The Conan and Jordan Show - Lady Crackers

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It's a game changer all right well welcome to the conan and jordan show this is our second episode uh i have to be honest with you, Jordan, I didn't think we'd get to a second episode. Yeah.
Because during the last one, I'm just being honest, I wanted to smash your face into powder. But we made it.
We're here. And this is by popular demand.
People love the Conan and Jordan show.

What kind of polling did you do to determine the success of the first episode?

I've looked at no data. I've talked to no one.
I live pretty much a secluded, strange life.

But I know deep in my heart that this thing's a smash hit. So much so that, look, we have our own sign now, the Conan and Jordan show.
Now, I was under the impression that the previous

recording session was an audition of sorts. Oh, God, uh every part of the buffalo here we can't waste anything so no that was not an audition that's that was the first episode so now we have our own show we've passed we've passed whatever requirements we needed to pass what requirements are there this is the radio i was under the impression it was sink or swim that the first episode was going to determine the future viability of you and I.
Not really. No.
No, you were under no pressure. Is this a vote of confidence by any interpretation? Nobody.
I've run this up the flagpole at Sirius. They said we don't have a flagpole and we're not taking your call.
How does this compare, the launch of this show, how would this compare, let's say, to the launch of your late night show?

30 years ago now.

Or any of your new projects.

Even your Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend podcast.

Would this be comparable launch?

Not at all.

No, those were like massive battleships that, you know, you hit it with the champagne.

They slide into the ocean.

Then they have a storied career on the high seas defending England or America or whatever country manufactured the ship. This, um i don't know this is the emission of a little gas maybe from like a broken down machine uh but still it's something that's happening we have to respect it what kind of promotional circuit can i expect will we be hitting the road oh god no the word no no no we uh can't spread anything.
Is there any kind of press release

that I need to approve

or anything like that?

I don't even think we can afford that

and I'm told they're free.

So, no.

And first of all,

you've so far

been just asking a series of questions

and I've indulged you,

but let me get a little bit of stuff out.

Oh, you have an agenda.

Okay, go ahead.

Well, you don't have to announce everything.

It's the Conan and Jordan show.

It's the second episode.

This is where you and I talk

and people do all the time

ask me how's Jordan doing?

I want more information. it's the Conan Jordan show.
It's the second episode. This is where you and I talk.
And people do all the time ask me,

how's Jordan doing?

I want more Conan Jordan.

You know that our videos are a massive hit on YouTube,

various other sundry places, the websites.

People love them.

They can't get enough.

They want more.

Well, now we're giving them more.

And what better way to experience us than while you're driving around, maybe in your rental car or at home listening to SiriusXM. This is the way to do it.
People listen to the Conan O'Brien channel. They want to hear this stuff, you know? So it's you and I together.
How are you feeling about it? That's what you cut me off to get to? Yeah. I thought you had some bombshell you were going to drop.
That's what you had to say? That's the information you had to spread? Yeah. I can't believe you had Billy Corgan on your podcast and you didn't ask him what he was chanting at the beginning of 1979.
A question that's been confounding fans for decades on the forums. You had him right here.
I did ask him. You could have said, what were you chanting? But instead it was, oh, I'm a guitarist too.
Do you prefer a Telecaster or a Stratocaster? You know, why didn't you ask him the question that people?

It's just Stratocaster. It's not Stratocaster.
Second of all, just said the same thing.

second of all, I did ask him, we talked about it as he was getting into his car, because the magic moments for me aren't captured. Okay.
You, uh, greedily want me to spill that kind

of stuff into a microphone. walked billy to his car it was uh acura and massive dent the back bumper um and uh i asked him that question and he told me the answer but that's the kind of thing i can share.
You can listen to the isolated audio tracks on YouTube and you still can't figure it out. He would have told you it's not meant to be a secret.
It's not like Quentin Tarantino not telling people it was in the suitcase in Pulp Fiction. It just so happens he's never been asked.
Now, you had the opportunity to ask and finally put this to rest, but instead you decided to stick to guitars. I asked him what I was interested in.
And I also knew that he'd tell me when we walked him to his Acura. And he did.
So I was satisfied. The internet is a great resource for many things.
You could look up Beyonce's song lyrics to Lemonade and see, you know, a thousand renditions of it. But there are some songs, John Parr's St.
Elmo's Fire, where there are not accurate depictions of the lyrics anywhere. Wait a minute, the song St.
Elmo's Fire? Okay. Do you like that song? 1985, Man in Motion, St.
Elmo's Fire by John Parr, which was secretly about differently abled people overcoming the odds, but under the guise of a teen movie as used in the movie St. Elmo's Fire.
They weren't teens. They were in their 20s.
Don't anger me. When people call people teens, when they're 25, 26, some of them pushing 30.
Emilio Estevez was 44 years old when he starred in that movie. You're a man that appreciates horns.
Do you understand the horn work that David Foster put into that final chorus? Yet nobody understands what the lyrics are. But I figured it out.
I figured it out. Tell me the lyrics.
No, you try to figure it to figure it out no i don't even know i looked at the sheet music in the 80s and the sheet music had the wrong lyrics i can't conjure the song okay i can't conjure the song i can see a new horizon underneath the blazing sky hold on they changed the lyrics in the last chorus that's the power the lyrics are the same in the first and second but one, he changes it up. But you can't understand what he's saying.

I figured it out. I listened to that

hundreds of times. You cannot figure

it out. Everything on the internet is wrong.

Everything on the internet is wrong. A life well spent.

Here we go. No, you gotta get to the end.

We're gonna listen to this part first.

Okay, this is, I remember this.

First note is up cut. Famous production

error. I think the year was

1985. I'm in the theater.
That's right. Yeah, I just said that.
Settle down. Thanks, Lou.
You're kind of revving. I'm fine.
Oh, listen to those drums. Those are terrible.
This driving beat, that was David Foster's signature. Night Ranger's Secret of My Success.
Wait, why are we listening? I told you to get to the end. You like this song? This song is fantastic.
This song gets the blood pumping. What are you talking about? Don't you hear that driving beat? It's like four on the floor, but you hear the hi-hat work.
And it's that ostinato. You may think that, oh, it's repetitive, the drumbeat.
I say it's ostinato, the Italian concept of persistence. That is a great musical technique.
All right, we just got canceled. But they just let me know.
Have you heard the end of Aerosmith's What It Takes? Where he's like, let it go, let it go. That's ostinato.
They cut that off for the single releases of their song. I'm going to ask you to do me a favor, Jordan.
When I hold up my hand like this, you're going to have to stop talking. Because otherwise, you just wash over me and you're a little out of control right now.
We had a nice conversation going and then you brought up this song, Man in Motion, the theme song for St. Elmo's Fire, which is a bullshit song.
And then I want you to tell me what he's saying in the last course. Don't try to deflect, pivot or otherwise change the subject.
Don't I don't care what he's saying in the last. Don't slowly fade out the music after we heard the inconsequential introduction based on the contents of this conversation.
Oh, you say the last listen to the last course and tell me what he's saying. You're saying that a great song has an inconsequential opening to the purposes of this conversation.
A great song, by definition, has a great beginning. How's your hearing? My hearing is perfect.
Listen to the last chorus and tell me what he's saying. Or Google it.
Take as much time as you need. Tell me what he's saying.
I forgot that the universal sign of good hearing is being able to determine and remember the lyrics to man in motion. Use whatever resources you have at your disposal as an A-list celebrity to tell me the lyrics to the last chorus.
Hey, you think I'm an A-lister? Tell me the lyrics to the last chorus. Listen, here we go.
St. Elmo's Fire.
I can climb the highest mountain. I can cross the wildest sea.
This is easy. This is kids'.
Yeah. Last chorus.
It starts with, I could hear the music playing. There he just yelled.
I think so. He drops it.
You missed the last chorus. Okay.
Because you. I don't care.
Tell me what the last lyric. No, I'm not going to.
I'm not going to tell you. My hard work.
You're not going to benefit after ridiculing me. You're not going to benefit from my hard listening work.
What I'm saying is also there are many lyrics for which no matter how many resources you have at your disposal, short of contacting John Parr, by the way, who's a philanthropist, a British philanthropist, you will not be able to determine these lyrics. Ice House is electric blue.
He's a philanthropist, but he can't give his music away. Look at that face.
Oh, man, you got served, owned. Jordan, you're a terrible person.
And our time away from each other has been a salve for my tattered soul. We're together again because the public demands it.
We have our own show. And you completely commandeered it right up top to make us listen to that piece of mid-80s crap.

What's the power balance on this show,

if it is, in fact, ours?

Well, let's take a look at the order of the names,

the Conan and Jordan show.

Huh.

The size of the font is also...

Yeah, big Conan and then sort of little scripted Jordan.

I think you understand what the power balance is here.

You're here because I allow you to be here.

You live because I allow you to live.

And maybe you're just someone that I imagined and you think you have a life, but the minute I stop thinking about you, you'll disappear. Fascinating.
So let's talk. Man in Motion.
I do encourage the listeners to try and discern the last part of the song because that's an important use of everyone's time. What will the listener take with them after listening to this radio program? They will take with them newfound knowledge, although you didn't allow the knowledge to be revealed, newfound knowledge of a great mystery of the internet.
I think what people will take from this is a newfound hatred for you. If you ever have...
They thought they hated you before, but now they're going to go look... Before it was, if I cross paths with jordan i'll smash his face now it's gonna be i've got to find out where that fucker is and i need to take him out at the knees that's what's gonna be if you ever have eddie vetter on your show i trust you will ask him what he's chanting at the beginning of wma uh be the first thing out of my mouth okay okay i promise it i'll write it on my hand yeah all right swear to god go ahead usually it's how are you yeah i like to try and ease into it yeah i understand that makes people feel are you comfortable yeah that's all that's my technique but as a robot you would know that you have your own techniques jordan this is what we have to do we have to do a quick commercial the sponsor now is lady crackers oh yes don't you just give an ad for Lady Crackers right now and just make it up as you go? Lady Crackers Los Angeles olive oil and sea salt.
Now, you're going to often find lesser quality oils used in many products, things like soybean oil. These are industrial oils.
Then you'll find seed oil, sunflower, safflower. Rarely do you find a brand that's willing to go to the expense of providing a premium oil.

Because frankly, most consumers don't

understand what they're putting in their body. They shovel

food in. They don't understand the

quality of said food. Now you have a product

that is using olive oil. One of the finest

oils on earth.

Can I confirm?

Frank, he had no idea what

I was going to hand him. This is not

written. There's no copy? There's no copy? This is absolutely.
What are you doing? How are you able to do that? Well, the first thing I look for a product made with olive oil and lack of seed oils or processed oils like canola, which is also called rapeseed, which people perceive because it has a high monounsaturated fat content. Did you say grapeseed? Rapeseed.
Don't talk that way on this program. What are you talking about? That's awful.
That's a piece of flora. Nevertheless, I look for products that don't use processed or seed oils.
I like certain kinds of fats. I like olive oil, butter, or ghee.
Coconut oil is fine. Let's get back to, you know, the sponsor's going to want to hear their product name and a little more about the product rather than a list of every oil that exists.
Lady Crackers Los Angeles. Olive oil and sea salt premium.
Very few ingredients, which is always a good thing. Would you like to taste one? Why don't you open it up and taste one? It's okay.
Could you please? I typically try to avoid. Would you please? Yeah.
It's okay. Would you please? Avoid.
Please. Yeah.
Just open it. When I open a box like this, I don't, I like to keep these three tabs intact.

Okay.

Sometimes it's a challenge.

That's great.

I have to look.

I believe that we're defined by what surrounds us aesthetically every day.

I like a beautiful looking box to surround me.

A box that I could picture you, especially if we're producing a program like this, ripping

this thing.

I would tear that.

I would just tear it apart.

But I like to.

Put it in your mouth, please. Yeah.
Stick it in your mouth. please.
Yeah. Just have the cracker, please.
Yeah, I understand. Yeah, well...
What do you think? Not overly salted. That's a good thing.
Right. Sometimes they put too much salt on.
Sometimes they put too much salt. Oh, 340 milligrams.
That's a little high per serving serving i don't know how you define a serving size one ounce that's a sponsor jordan so just try and be positive about it is that to say that it's a perfect product who am i to who am i to assess this is the worst ad ever you can't just crunch what i'm saying is i i see a lot of if you're looking for a cracker if i were looking for a cracker if i found myself a lot of people look for crackers in their daily lives yeah they feel like they want a cracker if i wanted a cracker i would certainly go for lady and larder that's a fine pitch i'm gonna do you one better lady and larder i want a cracker at night and i want one with a clean crunch that gives you that lady and larder crackle the munch crunch that makes you happy a whole bunch. That's why I like lady and larder.
Lady and larder, tear that box open, rip them tabs, and slam that cracker down your puss. And remember, if any crumbs go astray, use your tongue, get it outside your face, and lick them up.
Keep keep that tongue outside your head it's a good way to get those crumbs lady and louder now with more of the good stuff that you love get it now what do you think good at well you know we have different approaches yeah you talked in a very depressed way for a while and then said seems like kind of a high sodium content. In the end, we both appreciate lady crackers for different reasons.
Yeah. You like the clean crunch.
I like the lack of over-reliance on processed industrial oils. It's the clean crunch that gives you a munch and I love it a bunch.
See the way it rhymes? People love that in an ad. They're not going to remember your sodium content quip but they're going to remember mine do you have an idea for a jingle for this do you want to sing a little song about the company asked us to to sing a jingle can you please do the jingle i'm not one to sing but uh i could tell you i wrote a jingle for guinness beer once i entered a contest in 1996 and i, let's hear it.
And I believe I should have won. Okay, let's hear it.
They may have this regularly. You had to write a limerick.
You're familiar with a limerick? Oh, that's racist, but sure. Yeah, and I live with a leprechaun.
Okay. And I just ate a four-leaf clover for lunch.
A limerick is a written work that follows a very specific syntax and rhyming structure. Okay, five lines, one, two, and five rhyme,

and then three and four rhyme, okay?

Guinness had a contest.

Come up with a limerick,

and the winner will get,

maybe it was a trip to Ireland or something like this.

So in 1996, I sent in a limerick,

which I have to believe would have won. Do you remember it?

I absolutely remember it.

I can't wait to hear it.

And the fact that it didn't win

tells me that either they lost the mail

or the right person didn't look at it. Right.
What's the limerick? Okay, here's the limerick about Guinness beer. Across ire, a young traveler set out on a quest to find fortune, no doubt.
As he strolled into Ennis, he was pulled a cold Guinness. Hence, the lad's pot of gold was that stout.
You know what? That's good. Yeah, that is good.

That's very good.

I spent a long time on it.

I hope you didn't spend too long on it.

But I want to know what was better than that.

I'd like to know Guinness in 1996.

What was a better limerick than that to promote your product?

I got no acknowledgement.

There was an old man from Nantucket who wanted his young friend to suck it.

He said, Guinness, I said, I didn't mean your head. And then the guy kicked the bucket.
I just made that up. That's pretty good.
And you know what? I spent no time on it. Yeah.
And it's got something dirty in it, so everyone's going to remember it. Yeah, I feel mine is superior.
Okay, but the point is, you're still bitter that you lost that Guinness contest guy yes what was the prize i believe it was a trip to ireland i i can't confirm some price i don't drink beer myself my family fled that place let's get out of here there's nothing to eat you're referring to the potato famine no my people fled in 1982 the line at burger king was too long we gotta get out of here let's get to brookline mass they flew over on air lingus um on air lingus that'd be a funny and a limerick also Hey, listen, I thought you did a good job with the ad overall.

Thanks.

This ad?

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

You did a fine job.

We're going to take a little break.

When we return, Jordan and I will have a deep philosophical discussion. Don't touch that dial.
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Isn't that nice? It starts the moments you take off with free in-flight Wi-Fi so you can stream your favorite show on the go. Obviously, that would be this show, I would think.
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Hey, Sona.

Pretty recently I got together with a bunch of my chums.

Yeah. What did you guys do?

Guys I went to college with. We all played football together.
And

don't laugh at that. That's real.

Sorry. Yeah.
It was one of those

little table games of football.

It's actually a video game.

Simulated football. And it was the 80s so it wasn't a very good game.
Anyway, it was a good time. We got together.
We had a good time. It's really nice to get together with people.
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Can you believe it? I can't. It's the perfect beer for beer lovers.
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96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces. All right, I'm going to move on to our next segment.
Conan and Jordan discuss a philosophical question. Frank, why don't you tell us what you had in mind here? So we're going to have a segment here called Conan and Jordan have a philosophical discussion.
Okay. Jordan, if, and Conan, if time travel were possible, would it be ethical? Well, I think we would redefine our ethics and morality to suit the emergence of new technology.
I can't imagine many circumstances in human history where ethics have stopped the progress of technology, unfortunately. A lot of times conflicts are justification to develop technology.
You look at nuclear technology, both fission and fusion, you know,

originally,

originally fusion,

and then later fission,

fusion,

of course,

you're taking to light elements and joining them and fission,

you're taking a heavy,

like a uranium or a plutonium and you're splitting it.

Nevertheless,

I can't think of situations where technology never advanced, at least to my knowledge, because of ethics and morality. Can I stop you before you get boring? Oh, wait, I'd need a time machine for that.
I'd have to go back nine minutes ago to the start of your day. Blammo! You just got blammoed.
My question would be, is sports betting allowed? If sports betting allowed, then definitely let's have that. Let's go back in time.
I could clean up. Then you make a lot of money.
Then you go back further in time when land is really cheap. You go to Long Island and you say, hey there, 1680 farmer,

what do you want

for these nine acres

on the ocean?

These nine acres?

Why, I would wish

to have

$6.

$6, eh?

Here's $16.

Well, thank you.

Yep.

That's what you would do.

Would you go backwards

or forwards?

If you had one shot, you'd go backwards and what would you witness first? If you can only witness. I'd go to Ford Theater and I'd say, hey, Abe, behind you.
I'd save Abraham Lincoln's life. But if you are just an observer and had no ability to change anything and you can witness one event so you could pick the time and place and you can go back, would that be it? I mean, just as an intellectual curiosity, I would go back in time.
You would go back to the assassination of Lincoln. Would you go back? Because Lincoln, there's no mystery.
I don't want to have just one. I want to see many things.
If you had one or two, would you go to the Kennedy assassination to uncover the mystery or would you go to something where there's certainty? Or would you go back to the Jurassic period and look at a dinosaur? I've seen Jurassic Park, and I think they probably got it right. Okay, so that doesn't interest you.
So I don't need to see that. So would it be the Lincoln? And I wouldn't go to the Roman times because I saw Gladiator, and I think that's a good.
I think most movies have pretty accurately depicted what those times were like. And I think if I go back in time, it's going to look like that only a little dirtier.
Like people's togas will be dirty. And I'll be like, ah, this i don't want to see that yeah so um nah i don't want to see that stuff i really just want to go to ford's theater and go hey abe heads up because you know what i'll tell you this abe lincoln was six four my height and a strong backwoodsman he would have turned around booth was a relatively small guy and an actor i've interviewed enough of them to know that they're pretty easy to take in a fight.
So he would just clean Booth's clock. That would be fun.
Abe would just be wailing on Booth. And then it would just turn into another failed assassination attempt, which there are many throughout American and world history and wouldn't be as consequential as it was today.
And in the end, you wouldn't have witnessed a momentous occasion. You would have just witnessed a closer to average occasion.
I would have witnessed the ultimate beatdown. A.
Blinken kicks the shit out of some little actor, takes his Derringer away and kicks the shit out of him and then throws him off the balcony. And then all the actors that are starring in the play, Our American Cousin, starring Laura Keane, they all start kicking booth.
You see, you have me inside you. You know, sometimes you'll give me a straight answer and you have the facts as well.
What you ridicule me for is really a reflection of yourself. Did you just say that I've had you inside me? You have me inside you now.
Stop. Don't ever say that again.
Don't ever say that again. I don't want you inside me.
What you see and you detest in me lives inside you. That's why you detest it.
Don't ever say Don't ever say that again don't ever say that again i don't want you inside what you see and you know lives

inside you that's why you detest it don't ever say that don't ever say that again don't ever ever say i'm inside i'm a part of you and you're a part of me i've seen you at your best i've seen you wait we're inside we have an incredibly intimate relationship that you don't acknowledge we're certainly inside each other then it is intimate yeah and that's hard to do too think of the geometry of that one.

He If we're inside each other, then it is intimate. And that's hard to do, too.
Think of the geometry of that one. He mentioned where he would go if he could time travel.
Jordan. Yeah.
Where would you go? Oh, yeah. This is fascinating.
This is a legitimate question. Yeah.
You know, I'm assuming one shot, one chance. I mean, the question is future or past, right? Because future is like unwritten.
Where do you even go? Do you go 10 years? Do you go a thousand years? I'm not going to take away future. I'm just going to say past.
Oh, past. Yeah.
Well, you know, I would want to witness something. I probably like you wouldn't necessarily want to solve any mystery as much as just witness something.
I might go back and witness dinosaurs if I could assure my own safety. And you'd have to be in the right place at the right time so you really have to educate your safety so we have to talk to the dinosaurs first and say leave that guy alone over there i don't want to be killed by a dinosaur i just want to witness them well it's going to be a problem if you go back there you have to take that into account yes i do have there's a good chance i mean if i and i could see you being very irritating to a Brontosaurus, I could see a Brontosaurus being like, I just fucking hate that guy.
It's a Brontosaurus. It is not.
Saurus, of course, the Latin for lizard. You're just saying shit.
It's not Brontosaurus. Quetzalcoatlus.
What? You familiar with Quetzalcoatlus, the flying dinosaur? There was like a 1982 or 1983 horror movie called Q. Q stood for Quetzalcoatlus or they called it Quetzalcoatl.
But the actual scientific name is Quetzalcoatlus. Quetzalcoatlus was a Mexican god.
You know the 1980s. Just talk over me.
That's fine. No.
Quetzalcoatlus, if he was a Mexican god, he must have been named after Quetzalcoatlus. Say how you pronounce Brontosaurus again.
Brontosaurus. Okay.
You need to be hit. I'm not going to say with steel rods because that's, but with a denser wood, like a wood, but it's a dense wood, like a mahogany.
You need to be hit with mahogany. Okay.
Because no one says that. Even a brontosaurus, if it just heard that, would put both of its giant paws in front of its eyes and just be like oh my god what a dick no it's not how do you say pterodactyl uh pterodactyl why do you say these things like dracula i'm just looking at the the root of the word i understand that these words have latin roots and i look at the root of the word and i use it properly i'm not one of those people that says alum or haphazardly throws out the word alumni improperly.
What do you say? Well, if I'm talking about a man, it's alumnus. And if I'm talking about, okay, we'll see what you're doing.
If I'm talking about a man, you got an alumnus, a woman is an alumna, right? Two men or a mixed group is like alumni and two women or multiple women is alumnae. And the word alum is not based in any reality.
Conventional wisdom says now, if you're using it to express gender neutrality in a modern way, that's fine. But you have to know all the rules before you break them.
That's what Air Supply said in Making Love Out of Nothing at All. I know all the rules.
Written by Jim Steinman, who, of course, was an author, famous songwriter. He would act through his muses.
He couldn't sing himself Jim Steinmet. So he got Meatloaf.

He got Celine Dion.

He even got Air Supply,

who I believe Max Weinberg played with Air Supply in 1986.

Do me a favor.

Go back and visit the dinosaurs.

That's my request.

Go back and visit the dinosaurs

and just sort of stand around and see what happens, okay?

And if you get stomped or crushed,

that's just what happens.

You're an alumnus of Harvard University, okay? No, I'm an alumnus of Harvard University. Are we going to say it correctly or not? I don't know what that was.
Harvard University. If you're going to say it, just say it.
You know, you gave a great speech at Dartmouth College?

Nope.

I gave a great speech at Dartmouth College.

And you may remember the success of your speech,

but I remember some of the events that happened surrounding that.

There were dinners.

You came with me when I gave you.

Yes, there were dinners with alumni of that school who have gone on to achieve greatness, captains of industry, CEOs of major company who I hold on customer service with for 45 minutes were coming up and giving me their business card. And all these people respected and revered you.
They wanted to talk to you. They wanted to meet you because absent the ability to intimately know somebody, people use certain classicative data to assess you as a person.
They know what your education is. They know some of the facts that you know.
I know you on an intimate level. I know what they don't know.
So while these captains of industry were coming up and respecting you and talking to you, and they had their tweed jackets, and you probably had some tweed jacket as well, because that's the role you play when you go to an Ivy League school. Yeah, we're all playing characters.
I also had a falcon on my shoulder. Yeah.
So they're coming up and talking to you. I know the real you.
I know that you're an animal. I know that you're eating hot dogs.
You're eating Big Macs in your spare time, and then you get all dressed up and cleaned up and you talk intelligently to these academics. But I know the real you behind the curtain.
That's all I'm saying. Well, if an animal is someone who eats fast food, then call me an animal and call most Americans an animal.
I love the United States of America. I really do love this country.
And for you to attack it that way, I think is not just scandalous, but treasonous. You're so you're thinking in your head as they're talking to you thinking, yes, they respect me.
Yes, I am respectable and sophisticated. And then you go home and you shove your face with your crackers or your crackers of different seed oils.
You just lost, look at it, he lost it. You lost it.
The wheels just came off the trolley. The wheels just came off the trolley.
Look at him, he's spiraling. No, I'm eating lady crackers and you're eating Ritz.
In your hotel room at Dartmouth after weeping in the corner

and you're tidy whities.

Hey, I just gave this speech.

These people respected me.

I'm an academic.

I'm wearing this tweed jacket.

I know you're an animal.

You're whimpering in the corner eating Ritz.

We're ending it here.

You know what you've had?

You've had a complete breakdown today.

And I can tell always because you get a fiendish look on your eyes.

Your eyes arch up.

You start to smile.

That's my face.

That's the face I have.

No, no, no, no, no.

You're talking about my physical condition.

You, and then you lost your mind. You started spiraling on the word cracker and you lost it.
You flamed out. And now a bunch of men are rushing up to you and pouring foam over you so that you don't burn to death.
Jordan, this was a great episode. It was a great episode because you came out of the gate hot and then you ended up in this spectacular explosion.
I feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for anyone who's in your life, but I also love you.
And when I say I love you, I'm lying. It's just not true.
Anyway, this has been episode two of the Conan and Jordan show.

I think one of the most fascinating shows in the history of any medium.

It's unrehearsed.

We never know what we're going to talk about.

And we just play with this spinning top that is Jordan Schlansky.

Medium comes from the Latin medium, the singular.

Media or media being the plural.

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Yes, me too.

Me too.

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So when you want to reach this, that was, that ad should never have gone to me for a special pot. It's a lot of buildings.
Yeah. A lot of buildings went and I had to flee the country for a while.
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