The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories

I'm going to go out on a ledge here and say, in the olden days, people used to go on Amazon to get very specific things. You know, I want to get a cuckoo clock.
It's made of caramel, hardened caramel. And they'd go on Amazon and they'd look it up and they'd order it.
But you know what? They're forgetting. Amazon is the go-to destination for both everyday essentials and those last-minute must-haves from detergents

to diapers, cookies to pain relievers. Find it all on Amazon and save time.
Remember the old days?

I got to get to the store and buy my aspirin. No! Hello, Amazon.
Check out Amazon Basics and

Amazon Essentials for quality products you'll love. Next time you run out of coffee, need a

new lipstick, or realize you're out of light bulbs, guess what?

Amazon has you covered.

Save the everyday with deals from Amazon.

This message is brought to you by Apple Card.

Apple Card's a no-fee credit card that gives you daily cash back every day.

That's 3% back at Apple and 2% back on every purchase made with Apple Card using Apple Pay. Apply for Apple Card in the Wallet app on your iPhone today.
Subject to credit approval, variable APRs for Apple Card range from 18.24% to 28.49% based on credit worthiness. Rates as of January 1st, 2025.
Apple Card issued by Goldman Sachs Bank USA Salt Lake City branch. Terms and more at

applecard.com. That's the most serious I've ever been reading an ad.

Okay, if you hear that song, it means you're listening to the Conan and Jordan show. So you mean, mean pride.
Okay.

If you hear that song, it means you're listening to the Conan and Jordan show or just randomly playing with the knobs on your radio.

I am Conan O'Brien and I am sitting here with Jordan Schlansky.

Hi.

Who has been in my employ for many, many years as an associate associate producer never quite figured out what he does for me but uh we've had a lot of adventures together yes people often ask me about you oh people say how's jordan doing and then they also want to know what's the deal with that guy and so you're a regular part of my life you come up a lot and that's flattering yeah yeah and that's so flattering the way they ask it but uh the point is um we're we're shackled together for better or worse we didn't choose this life but nevertheless here we find ourselves yes and we're not very well said yeah uh and i do enjoy doing these shows with you i like spending time with you short amounts of time that are controlled you know you get on my nerves sometimes and i'm told i get on your nerves well i think with any intimate relationship they're going to be ups and downs we've never been intimate i believe we're intimate right now well well your definition of intimate and mine is quite different maybe it is yeah i think we've certainly been intimate you cannot deny that you and i have been in intimate situations i don't think so i there's always a camera present um and a sound crew and no i don't think we've been in intimate situations not always we you and hung out. I am not.
No, I am not. We are not friends.
You and I have socialized with no cameras present. When? Multiple times.
When? There have been numerous occasions where you and I have socialized. Name one.
I'm not here to enumerate things that should be self-evident to a man that was there for these experiences. You and I are friends.
Like it or not. It doesn't work that way, can't yell at someone you're my friend you're my friend i'm just stating a fact uh this is not i asked you to give me this is not hopeful by the way i'd be okay if we weren't friends nevertheless we are friends well i don't want to be friends with someone who doesn't care if they're my friend or not and i'll tell you something else uh i asked you to name specific times when we hung out on a social occasion that didn't involve us doing any kind of media project.
You failed. You failed completely or wasn't work related.
No, you and I don't hang out. When was the last time you and I went out to the clubs and did the electric boogaloo together? That doesn't happen.
So I don't know what these times are you're talking about. There are many times.
Well, why don't you cite one? Okay, 2008, do a restaurant Upper East Side. We had a nice dinner.
We walked through Central Park on a hot, steamy summer night. Came across Shakespeare in the park.
Watched a beautiful performance together. Went back to your apartment at the time.
Spent quality time. It was very intimate.
That was 2008. Yeah.
Do a restaurant.

Do discount 2008.

I don't remember any of this.

Whether you remember it or not, it happened.

And so you and I walked through the park and we walked.

Yeah.

Do a Upper East Side.

You lived on the Upper West Side.

But did we have tickets to this Shakespeare in the Park?

No, we came.

This was serendipitous.

To understand some of the greatest organic moments in life are unplanned.

We didn't know we'd have a magical night that night. Nevertheless, we did.
I wish I remembered it. Yeah, we started out with a wonderful dinner, of course.
Do you remember what you had? Yeah, of course I remember what I had. I had the Polo Scarpaggielo.
Jesus! Yeah, and I had the tortino for dessert. Yeah.
Do you remember what I had? I had, by the way, a Brancaya tre to drink. Well, that usually goes away with a little kind of sewing.
I don't know what you had. That was your responsibility.
But after that, we walked. You came up with, you're a man that loves to walk, and that's a great quality.
I love walking. Although you have access to many transportation options, you like to walk.
I do. We've walked in many places on the planet.
But there was a Shakespeare in the park. Usually park usually those are enclosed you can't just no we came across it was some kind of shakespeare production and backstage you and i stood there and we we stood there and we walked we had a moment a magical magical moment and then and then we photographed we photographed your apartment we did you did this great thing where it was late at night oh that's right we i you doing this.
I remember you photographing. I lived at the Majestic at the time and you photographed it.
You took a nice photo of it, which I still have. I remember this now.
Yeah, it was. That's, and by the way, this wasn't us being friends.
I asked you to take, that's why we were together was to take that photo. I think I paid you for that photo.
So this was a gig. I paid you because you're a photographer to take a picture of my apartment late at night because I was going to give it to my wife framed.
And you did. And we got a bite to eat first.
And you turned it into this date. Which it wasn't.
You got paid. We don't know when magical experiences will happen to us.
We try to plan these things. We say, oh, I'm going to have a special occasion night.
And you plan and then things inevitably go wrong. And then magic happens when you least expect it.
That night was magic. One of many magical nights and days that you and I have had all across the planet.
All joking around, or I think your preferred term is joshing. All joshing aside, you and I, we've had some good times together.
You do get on my nerves. my nerves i can't fake that um i do find you to be kind of absurd um inhuman in a lot of ways a free thinker what's that i'm a free thinker i may not fit into the mold of uh the characters that we play as humans you just don't seem human to me you're like a cigarette machine yeah um that's malfunctioning you pull on it you're trying to get a pack of cigarettes and uh you know some molasses comes out you seem a little bit of the something's wrong in your cuckoo tree but but that's neither here nor there uh i have waved the magic wand of fame at your direction and you have become a known personality you're welcome as a, you did an interview recently with the online entertainment publication Collider.

Is that right?

Yes, I did.

Was this last week?

No, this was not last week, no.

This is right here last week.

Does it really matter when, though?

I mean, it was recent, right?

I mean, I'm saying to get hung up on details like that.

Was it two weeks ago?

It was longer than two weeks ago.

Was it three weeks ago?

It was longer than three weeks ago.

She's a very nice young lady from Toronto. I love canadians i i spent a lot of time in ontario specifically also british columbia your girlfriend in college was in canada wasn't she where are you getting these incorrect facts from no there was no canadian it's an old thing where people would say you have a girlfriend yeah yeah she's in canada no and of course that's code for she doesn't exist no um so did you do an Collider? I did.
Was it approved by my people? In what sense do you ask that question? You're part of the Conan machine and you're out talking about Conan O'Brien Must Go my show on Max currently running and you have the nerve to do your own interview I was asked to do an interview Was it cleared? Was it cleared with Cruz? Was it cleared with Frank? Did you clear it with Ross? Did you clear it with Eduardo? People that needed to know knew. I'm one of the people that needs to know.
Yes. I never heard a thing about this.
You and I don't have a line of dialogue for these matters. The people that needed to know knew.
Okay. I'm going to let it go.
It was discussed. Yeah, it was approved in all intents.
Yeah. I'm going to assume that it's fine.
Yes. And I'm sorry I flew off the handle.
I've been under a lot of pressure lately, launching the Max. I'm sure you want people to speak freely under your employ.
You have nothing to hide. No, I don't.
Yes. No, I have thoughts about the series as you do.
Would you say that to Stalin? Would you say to Stalin? I have original thoughts. I'm sure, Comrade Stalin, you wish people to speak freely here in the Soviet Union.
No, he didn't. He wanted absolute control, which is what I want.
My point is, I have deep thoughts, okay? And I have things to say about- No one with deep thoughts says I have deep thoughts. Yes.
Nevertheless, the thoughts are there, and sometimes people want me to express them. I express the thoughts, and no harm done.
How did it go, the Collider interview? Frank, how did it go? Well, let's take a look. We have a clip here.
Oh, here we go. You happen to be in the Argentina travelogue.
And that was an episode I really loved. You've been on so many journeys with him.
How has the relationship evolved from those early remotes to what we see in this episode? I think in the early remotes, I was still approaching this aware of the fact that Conan was clearly my boss. And I was kind of I felt an obligation to be subservient and play the role of the employee.
But I guess gradually over the years, I've been able to put that aside while we're on camera and act just like I would be naturally inclined to act should someone approach me in the manner that he does. So in that sense, think it's probably more truer to our actual relationship um as opposed to like employer employee wow yeah so you're saying there's been an evolution in our relationship i would hope that any relationship between human creatures or even animal creatures undergoes undergoes change over time jordan you don't have to keep qualifying it to say we're.
It really does give the impression that you're new to this whole human thing. I see.
And it puts people off. Yes.
You know, it really does create that image that you came here about nine years ago and were put into this shell, this form in order to observe us and then report back to the mothership. Yeah.
Well, I thought what you said was fairly accurate. Okay.
You realize you realize you still are under my employ under my aegis i could crush you with my thumb if i wished a bug um that i am observing you amuse me i'll let you live for now but maybe right now we'll squish there you go yeah so uh you i mean if such statements make you feel more powerful i'm not going to challenge them they do certainly yes yes uh my if you needed that reinforcement you've got it yeah thank you appreciate it should we take a look at the next one yeah this is good i thought you did a whole yeah i thought you did a good job oh here we go oh here we go what's one thing about the relationship with conan in these episodes that fans might be surprised to learn that doesn't come across doesn't come across on camera because i'm sure there was more b-roll that we haven't seen as yet well the reality of the situation is um despite how it may or may not appear uh speaking for myself i love traveling with conan i love spending time with him i love spending time with him in foreign environments i do truly think that when you um travel your experience any kind of new event with you know, it does bring you closer together. You not only experience things firsthand, but reflect it in somebody else's eyes as well.
I genuinely have so many warm memories of traveling to Argentina and other places with him. We would have wonderful dinners and we would talk about, you know, the food that we're eating and the local nature of that food and the culture around us and um it may surprise people to know that we really get along and i would like to think he enjoys my company as much as i enjoy his oh wow uh well i have one comment first of all you said some lovely things there but before we get to that you've got to change your background the next time you do a professional interview.
Yes. Because the angle's all wrong.
We're looking up at a, look at that. That's a mess.
And that looks like you've quickly made a video to try and get help. Yes.
To try and get to the place. I don't have the resources that you have.
Do you understand this? I'm a, yes, I'm a man among men. A human.
Yes, a human man. I've got media trained in this regard.
I do the best I can. Okay, well, look how that beam is coming out of your head.
Yes. And it does look like you've drawn the shade so you can cut up a body.
So let's move on to what you said. I write back at you, buddy.
I have enjoyed our travels together. You do enrage me at times, but what I have found is as infuriating as you are in person, when we go to these exotic lands together, you're still the same person.
But suddenly the quality of the food we're having is much better. And we're in, you know, we're in Buenos Aires.
Right. You know mean or we're we're in tokyo and so that sort of makes it all go down a little easier do you know what i mean oh i prefer you in a foreign land preferably if i'm not with you uh so um but i agree with you yes we come across as these two uh people who are always at each other's throats and And I do enjoy traveling with you.
I think it's a testament to our closeness that we can be at each other's throats and still endure. Yes, endure and even, may I say, thrive as humans and as animals.
Yeah. Okay, we're going to take a little break.
We'll be right back. We drink so much water every day, and it's just water.
And I'm like, hello, boring. Yeah.
There's got to be a way to make water more exciting. Well, guess what? Someone cracked it.
With authentic flavors and lively carbonation. Waterloo sparkling waters bring full flavor artistry.
Blay, you're drinking one right now. Drinking one right now.
I got the raspberry nectarine and it is tasty. Very good.
Very tasty. Everyone here in the office has been enjoying them.
They're excellent. They are delicious.
And you know, you say, what's flavor artistry? Some people think, oh, you're just talking a lot of high class nonsense. No, it's about custom crafting multi-sensorial flavor experiences of aroma, taste, and mouthfeel that make you say, wow.
Wow to that sentence. Waterloo waters are crafted, not formulated or off the shelf,

just purified sparkling water and non-GMO project verified natural flavors, which I insist on.

Me too.

With zero calories, sugars, or sweeteners. I drink water constantly.
I just had a couple

of glasses of water and it was just regular water upstairs. And I regret that time.

It's boring. You'll never get that back.
I'll never get that time back. Three full glasses of water.
I was just regular water upstairs and i regret that time it was boring you'll never get that back i'll never get that time back three full glasses of water i wish it was waterloo and i could have had what did you have a raspberry you know what what's that one cracking open a peach right now okay well you should you could have offered that to me you just ate a second when i haven't had one oh sorry nice thanks a lot i'm so thirsty were you working tomorrow give waterloo sparkling water a try lookloo Sparkling Water next time you shop. Learn more about the flavors from Waterloo Sparkling Water at drinkwaterloo.com.
Well, vacation season nearly upon us. This year, treat yourself to the luxe upgrades you deserve with Quince's high-quality travel.
Essentials at fair prices, like lightweight shirts and shorts from $30, pants for any occasion, comfortable lounge sets. I like to lounge.
You ever seen me lounge? Yeah, you love lounging. I'm a king lounger.
I love to pair it with premium luggage options, durable duffel bags to carry it all. The best part, all Quince items are priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands because they partner directly with top factories.
Cutting out the cost of the middleman, passing the savings on to us.

I love cutting out the middleman.

And then I like to drive by the middleman and go,

sucker.

Yeah.

Sucker.

Throw an egg in their face.

Yeah.

You like the quince stuff?

I love quince.

I shop at quince all the time.

You know what I like?

It's lightweight and you throw it,

but they also make the duffels.

So you can buy the stuff and then you can put it in a duffel.

You just bought it quince and then you can drive by the middleman and go, hey middleman, this is Sucker. Hey Sucker, you're not going to get any of my money.
For your next trip, treat yourself to the luxe upgrades you deserve from Quince. Go to quince.com slash Conan for 365 day returns.
That's a whole year if you think about it. Plus free shipping on your order.
That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash Conan to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com slash Conan.
Sucker! Hey, big sandwich news. This is hot off the presses.
Literally! Firehouse Subs has teamed up with Hot Ones on a new, bold version of the iconic hook and ladder sub. You know the old hook and ladder sub? The old hook and ladder.
Used to be our favorite. Well, guess what? Introducing the all-new zesty garlic hook and ladder, a limited time sub packed with the perfect combo of mild heat and bold flavor.
We're talking smoky turkey, honey ham, melted pepper jack cheese

all stacked

on a freshly toasted bun.

Plus,

onions marinated

in hot ones.

Classic

garlic Fresno

hot sauce

and crispy garlic chips

on top.

And guess what?

I know my hot one sauces,

I think.

Yeah, you do.

And that's one of the good ones.

Try the new

zesty garlic cooking ladder

at Firehouse Subs today!

Exclamation point. Only for a limited time at Firehouse Subs.
I went to a party recently. It was a rager by my friend Rodman.
He had the tunes bumping. It was really fun and it was special to me because when you get together with good friends, good chums, amigos, pals from the past, celebrating important occasions means more moments with the coolest people in your life for me that's gotta be Rodman I have so many cool people I have so many cool you're just like so cool I do I have the coolest friends cheers to 50 years of Miller Lite the greatest tasting light beer for people who love beer since 1975 yeah you know what I say what I say it time.
I do. It's the 50th anniversary of Miller Lite.
Did you know that? I didn't. So many times, whether I've been out at sea.
Oh, okay. Yeah.
You know, on someone's yacht and I'll crack open a Miller Lite or whether I'm scaling a volcano. Oh, yeah.
It's about to erupt because that's the best time to see a volcano when you can feel the tremors and I crack open

to Miller Lite.

Miller Lite!

That's what I'm talking about.

It's great taste.

It's 96 calories

and I did a study myself.

It is 96 calories.

Go to MillerLite.com

slash Conan

to find delivery options near you

or you can pick up

some Miller Lite

pretty much anywhere

they sell beer.

It's Miller time.

Celebrate responsibly.

Miller Brewing Company

in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

96 calories

and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces okay welcome back to the conan and jordan show i'm sitting here with jordan jordan um uh as you're well aware uh the travel shows on max uh have been well received We went to four countries. You came along with me on one.
And it reminded me that one of the reasons I brought you along on the Argentina episode was that you and I had traveled before. Oh, yes.
And we had a really good time. We went to Italy together.
Now, of all the travel shows we did before Max, I think one of my favorites was Italy, just for the sheer fun and silliness of it that's wonderful there was a lot of just uh kooky comedy do you remember uh going together to italy no yeah of course i remember going to italy do you understand that was a pivotal moment in my life but i'll tell you something about that trip that trip was a part of my life even before you and i went. That was a trip that I had done many times before, and that made it extra personal for me because I was able to share with a beloved companion these moments that have been so special to me.
Beloved companion? Yeah, you're a beloved companion. The point is I travel alone typically.
You travel alone? Yeah, I often alone. As much as I like the freedom that comes with traveling alone and the moments of introspection, sitting in a piazza at 2 a.m.
and just watching people go by and pondering the universe. You creep.
Does your wife know that you like to travel alone? The point is, sometimes you want to share these experiences with somebody. And I was happy to have the opportunity to share this exact experience with you.
What's your favorite thing about the trip that we took do you we went to Florence did you like that yeah or Firenze you like to call it Firenze yeah well I said Firenze yeah Firenze Firenze yeah say it again one more time Firenze yeah you got it Firenze yeah it's one of those uh you know some countries go by the same name in English as they do in a native country that's one that has changed quite a bit hasn't hasn't it? Florence is a Fidenze. Rome, of course, Roma.
Do you have any others you'd like to, Venice, Venezia? How about Pisa? Yeah, Pisa is actually the same. Yeah.
I just wanted to ruin your theory. Okay.
Nevertheless. Of course, Naples, Napoli.
Yeah, Napoli. Very good.
Yeah, that's impressive. Yeah.
So basically. Condescending piece of shit.
Yeah. When you ask, I'll tell you, I'll tell you some of my favorite moments.
OK, when you ask, I've connected with these places on a spiritual level. OK, but often alone.
And I'd come back and I would talk to you about my trip and you at least pretended to be interested at the time when I come back from. Yeah, exactly.
And then to be there with you at La Loggetta or some of these, a Sorbillo pizzeria, some of these exact places where I've spent so many years, um, was quite moving for me. Uh, I'm glad that you were moved.
Yeah. I wish you'd kept moving.
Uh, but a little quip there, but, um, we had a good time. We enjoyed many enjoyed many foods together yes there's a segment where you and i are driving around in a little car and i'm playing um obscene sounds on a little sound machine yes uh that made me really laugh i to this day i can't see that without laughing that that has some background to it let you would drive around by yourself listening to...
Oh, yes. Celi di Toscana.

Yeah, specifically Andrea Bocelli's

Celi di Toscana.

And let me tell you something.

And then I thought,

hey, wouldn't it be funny

if we listened to what I like

to listen to when I'm driving?

And it was a lot of embarrassing noises

from a sound effects shop.

Think about getting this car started

and be very careful

with your valuable Conan payload.

Oh, can you stop the car for a second? Stop it? Yeah. Just one other thing.
Yeah. You're a fool.
You are a fool. You frame yourself as a sophisticated, an academic, you know, an intellect, and you're a fool.
I mean, this is like, this is like toddler humor. You know, all your training has led you to this.
So you are revered in the world of comedy. The elder statesman of late night television, Harvard educated in many decades.
Why bring up Harvard? Who gives a shit about that in the comedy world? Okay, I'll the lampoon the harvard lampoon respected publication editor-in-chief of some sort so yeah for a freshman i think first freshman in the history it's okay i'll i'll call president anyway let's get off to harvard all right nevertheless i'm sorry you have a sore spot about that i'm not i'm not gonna talk about where you i don't know what persecution you face as a harvard graduate that i just know i don't know what the sensitivity is about i don't know what sensitivity. I don't know what persecution you face as a Harvard graduate.
No, I don't know what the sensitivity is about. I don't know what the sensitivity is.
I don't know if something happened to you at Harvard that you don't want to discuss. I won't bring it up again.
No, no, no. Okay.
So anyway, you're revered. Comedians look up to you.
You're sophistication in the comedic world. You're a combination of the silly and the high end.
And all of that background and incredible resume brought you to a little classic Fiat Cinquecenta with me playing the sounds of a human gas release.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's called a fart.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It was very funny.

You couldn't call it that.

And we were just howling.

It was so funny.

I mean, you weren't laughing.

I think you just didn't understand what was happening.

You were just a confused robot.

But it was so funny.

I love it. that and uh we were we were just howling it was so funny i mean you weren't laughing good um i think you just didn't understand what was happening you were just a confused robot but uh it was so funny i love that uh italy episode i hope people check it out yeah it's really really a lot of fun it was very special to me yeah you mentioned to me that uh argentina wasn't your first choice uh you know i i've been to argentina now three times and i and the first two times i went i did kind of road trips through patagonia and and argentina is a wonderful country wonderful people wonderful culture wonderful food um you know there are some places that you go to and you say i had a wonderful experience here and this will carry me through the rest of my life and and this was great and i really treasure it but i don't necessarily um think i'll ever have the opportunity or need to come back i loved it i loved it i love buenos aires uh yeah i love we had some uh delicious uh steak oh yeah steak there is fantastic um and i was really enjoying the meal and we shot one of those meals i think you you annoyed me a lot during that meal oh yes yes we did yeah i got kind of maybe the angriest i've been on camera at you how familiar are you with the culture of argentina well i know that regarding the culture of the argentines i'm certainly no expert however i will tell you that i know that the passion and intensity of tango is flows through the blood of the argentine people it's on every street corner that we encounter.
Tango. Tango.
Tango. It's pronounced Tango.

Tango.

Class Tango in Paris. Last Tango in Paris.
Or more accurately, Last Tango in Paris. And I'm chewing and I'm furious at the same time.
And you can see an anger in my eyes. You'd have to watch a movie about the devil to see that much anger in someone's eyes you know yeah well i have a respect for the culture and i try to um honor the the people in the way they speak and and if that if that infuriates you that sounds like a problem that you need another time you got angry we i took you to japan oh yes you got that's the angriest i've seen you you got very angry because you and i had a traditional meal oh kaiseki please yeah uh we had kaiseki when we were wearing the robes and we were kneeling at the the little small table they were bringing us the various dishes you started to go on and on about the film karate kid 2 oh yes and uh you expounded

on how what made it so special is it was shot uh in this particular part of japan okinawa okinawa

island and then um i produced once you had really dug your own grave thoroughly i produced uh a um

a video that i brought with me of ralph macchio the star of karate kid macchio yeah macchio

Thank you. early i produced uh a um a video that i brought with me of ralph macchio the star of karate macchio macchio macchio but anyway i produced a video of him telling you that no they shot that in the united states it was not shot in japan apparently it was shot in hawaii okay so you um in that moment looked like a fool oh and i had trap perfectly.
And you got, admit it, you got angry. You got very angry.
Well, it's true I made a mistake. If you'd like to believe I was angry, if that increases your enjoyment of the situation.
You got really mad because you started to say, oh, oh, oh, I guess if I had a booker, I could book someone like Ralph Macchio. And I said Macchio.
And you said Macchio. I could get a booker.

I could get a booker.

Oh, big talk show host. You were angry.
You were angry. You were frustrated and angry.
You could believe I'm angry if you want to believe I was angry. Oh my God.
Everybody can see on camera. It got like, look at the footage, people.
My fascination with Japanese culture began with the Karate Kid Part 2. Now that movie was shot and took place in Okinawa, which is a southern part of Japan.
And, well, Daniel was staying in a ryokan, which is a... Daniel? Oh, yeah, Daniel-san, played by Ralph Macchio, which is actually...
The Italian may pronounce Macchio, but I believe he pronounces it Macchio, and I'll respect his decision. So, Jordan, let's recap.

Yeah.

Your entire fascination with Japan stems from the fact that you saw Karate Kid 2. Yeah.
And that it was filmed in where? Okinawa. Okinawa.
I have a message here for you.

Please press play.

And hold that out. where? Okinawa.
Okinawa. I have a message here for you.
Please press play.

And hold that out

to the camera as you watch it.

Hi, Conan.

It's me, Ralph Macchio.

Listen, I'm sorry to interrupt. I just wanted to tell that

Jordan guy that all the scenes in

Karate Kid Part 2 that was supposed to be

Japan were actually shot in Hawaii.

Oh, man, Jordan. Those weren't Thank you.
Jordan guy that all the scenes in Karate Kid part 2 that was supposed to be Japan were actually shot in Hawaii.

Oh, Jordan, those weren't real dinosaurs in Jurassic Park.

Sayonara! It was Hawaii. Thank you, Ralph Macchio.
You fraud. I understand that movie is a make-believe.
You fraud. I think right now you're in shock.
Yes, I am in shock. And you're going to try and talk yourself out of it.
No, no, I'm in shock. Your childhood hero just came out of my phone and took a shit into your mouth.
I am shocked that you had our talent booker reach out to his publicist. You have the connections.
Yeah, I can get to Ralph Macchio. Yeah, yes, you can.
You, sir, are a fool. I do not know where Ralph Macchio shot The Karate Kid 2.
It's Macchio! Because I'm a fool. It's Macchio! I am a fool for not knowing where that movie was shot.
It's Macchio, and I can get to him if I wanted to. It's Macchio.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I can get to Macchio.
Listen to you. Right now, you sound like an insane stalker.
We have footage of you with your eyes as wide as an owl saying, I can get to Macchio. I can get to Macchio.
I can get to Macchio. You got mad.
Okay. Well, guess what? You got mad when I took you to a very special experience in Italy.
Okay. Here's a real story for the people out there that they may not have heard before.
This is real life listening audience. OK, I we were in Florence and I want to do something special for you.
You know why? Because I have an intimate knowledge of that city. And I said, I can provide you an experience that you can't get as a tourist.
Look at how angry he is. No, no, no.
This is this is what I this is the way I enhanced your life without you even being aware of it. OK, so I know that, yes, you can have a wonderful dinner in the city of Florence, but I knew a very special magical place outside of the city in the town of Fiesole.
Okay. This is shortly outside the city, maybe eight minutes outside the city.
Okay. So I said, tonight, I'm going to take you and our entire crew to a wonderful dinner in Fiesole.
And you said, great. How, how close is it to Florence? And I said, it's about eight minutes outside the city.
And you said, great. So we all get in our vans and we start driving outside the city to Fiesole.
I remember this. Yeah.
And then I start, you know, I'm, I'm in the van enjoying our company. We're talking, we're, we're having a real experience here.
The, the night was full of opportunity. You know, this is a wonderful experience, virtually a local to a tourist like yourself.
And I start getting questions about the amount of time that we were in the van. It was more than eight minutes.
Okay. So people start looking at their watches and say, this is taking a while.
And I don't know what the rush was. I mean, we were done shooting for the day and we were off to a magical.
I'm sorry. We were all hungry.
You said eight minutes. It was not even close to eight minutes.
And the bus kept driving and driving and driving. And then we're going up a big hill.
And I was there too. And I could vouch for this.
OK, I'll accept the fact that I'll accept the fact. Let's say it was longer than eight minutes.
You became infuriated by the amount of time it was. Enraged.
Yeah, I think to get there. I don't think I became became infuriated i did not turn into the hulk yes my my shirt didn't rip no i didn't certainly i didn't suddenly go from uh you know um you know uh regular actor what's his name bill bixby i didn't suddenly go from bill bixby to lou ferrino uh that's not what happened the gn makes like a sound like gnocchi no everyone says that's not how they pronounce it who's they i pronounce it lou ferrino how do you say hulk hulk no hulk hulk is an english word it's actually called hulk no because he was danish what danish no he's not danish i'm just saying you do everything you can to mispronounce things just to be uh bill bixby that guy can make me cry i mean that guy the pain the lonely man theme composed by joe harnell when he would walk off in the distance bill bixby at the end of every episode tell me that doesn't bring tears to your eyes even even even like a guy like you that's always looking for the joke in this situation when that guy walks down he can he can't find companionship because he's cursed by this disease he was exposed to gamma rays he's cursed he walks he looks he only wants companionship he only wants to be a free man and Joe Harnell that lonely man theme plays tell me Bill Bixby and he was like a tortured soul in real life it's Boxby no what do you mean he's a tortured soul in real life how do you know Bill bixby that you could see when you talk about an actor and their ability to emote people think because he was on like a fantasy tv series they kind of discount him i mean the guy was like a genius actor tortured you uh you know there are stories about his life he had struggles nevertheless um that guy was able to communicate these touching sentiments that are unheard of in a superhero genre all right right.
Well, listen, uh, this is neither here nor there. I didn't get that enraged, but you did, uh, lie about how long it took.
But we had a wonderful magical dinner. I'd like to think.
Yeah. Remember the bicycles on the wall? This place had bicycles.
When we finally got there, it was bicycle. When we finally got there, it was nice.
Yes. Um, I, uh, I've traveled the world with you.
Yes. And, um, I, I want to say say i thank you for your companionship oh you're welcome thank you for yours very good you studied earthlings long enough to know that that's the correct yeah that was a normal exchange right yeah yeah do you practice at home with pillows you draw faces on them no i don't and say well thank you thank you very much i do good to see you as well, sir.
How are you? Nice to be here. I know how humans are expected to interact.
Do you understand? I've witnessed these things. Do you understand? I spend large amounts of time.
I'm sure you did. You know, when they put you as a baby into the ship and sent you hurtling towards Earth because your own planet was exploding, you had a lot of time on screens to watch us and learn kind of in your own way, how we interact.
I know how to play this game. Do you understand? I know, I know the rules.
I know how to bend the rules. Yes, I know.
No one suspects a thing. That's right.
I know how you all interact and I'm happy to play in your world. Okay.
Well, just an admission here. Yeah, that was fantastic.
Yeah. That you're not like us, but you've learned to blend.
I'm not. But are any of us really like us? Yeah.
The collective us. The rest of us in this room are like us.
There's no us. Yeah.
No, no, no, they're not. People have, people have their inner secrets, their inner deviations.
Where would you like to go in the future with me? The future, Conan? Where would you like to go? Oh like to travel yes well in fact uh i've got six uh an order for six more of these travel shows and um yeah i'm curious is there any do you have any requests you know i have another very special road trip that i take and i would love to share with uh you again in a very intimate setting. I found this great combination.

I would fly to Paris and I'd spend a couple of days in Paris.

You have your steak frites.

You have your wonderful wines.

You can explore the city.

And then I would rent a car and drive through the French countryside.

I'm talking about the Loire Valley where you stay in castles.

Now, these things are actual medieval castles that are now converted into lodging and hotels.

They're not like Las Vegas made to look medieval.

And you'll stay in the turd of a castle.

It's an incredibly romantic and ornate in these large green fields.

And then you want to have all these romantic experiences with me.

This is how you connect with humans.

No, no, no.

This is how you connect with humans.

Romantic is how you connect with someone who you have a romantic sexual interest in. Why sexual? Why sexual? Do you have a romantic interest? Of course I do.
What are you talking about? High romance. You ever hear of the romantics? You ever hear of the new romantics in music? The fact that you link romance with sex to me is very telling.
It's very two-dimensional. Things are not always so cut and dry.
I believe you and I have a very romantic relationship. If I said to my...
No, wait a minute. What? What? If I said to my wife, I'm leaving on a very romantic trip with Jordan, she would laugh.
She would laugh. She would laugh.
She would think that's silly. That's not my business.
The point is, absolutely, we have a romantic relationship. You like to pretend these things away.
You find yourself in this situation. I know you didn't plan it this way.
I do not have romantic moments with you. I know you didn't plan it this way.
Whether or not you acknowledge it doesn't discount the fact that it exists. Okay? We drive through the Loire Valley.
We drive through Burgundy and we have local Burgundy wines. And then we drive into Switzerland through the Alps and we eat raclette and fondue.
What's raclette? And raclette is a type of cheese that melts over a fire and you eat it. And you eat it.
How do you get it out of the fire? Please. You're in the Swiss Alps.
You're sitting in front of a fireplace. High romance.
High romance. Driving through the mountains.
And then you drive into northern Italy across the Dolomites. And maybe you end up in a town like Venice.
And you may think, oh, we've done Italy. Well, we did Tuscany and Lazio.
You mean Venezia? Yeah,? Yeah, Venezia. And it kind of got a flavor of all of its own.
And I've done this trip multiple times, often alone. I would love to share that experience with you.
Think of us galloping through the Alps. Galloping? Yeah, galloping through the Alps.
Not on a horse, but on some kind of motorized vehicle, perhaps. Or even just on foot.
No, no, you don't get into a... I't get into a gallivanting i'm sorry i misspoke but just picture us just running get into running remember the sound of music you don't get into a honda accord and gallop off into the distance it just doesn't happen yeah but can you envision the sentiment i'm talking about like picture the sound of music which was shot of course in germany but picture that in in the swiss alps you and i just running through the snowy mountains no i don't i don't like any of that no we're we're gallivanting no I don't want to gallivant no we're gallivanting in the Alps and then at night we're curled up in front of a fire what are you talking about we're wearing you and I are not curled up together maybe gestad you ever been to gestad oh my god it's called gestad no counts the g, of course.
I haven't been there. Listen to me.
And then we have risotto and polenta in northern Italy. We stay in the mountains there.
Hey, listen to me. I am not a homophobic person at all.
Yes. Okay? You have to, and I think you know that about me.
I absolutely know that about you. But I don't, I reject your advances.
I reject. I'm not advancing.
You're talking about, you just said. I'm proposing.
Come with me to the Dolomites. I'm making a proposition.
I'm proposing. I'm making a proposition.
I call it an indecent proposal. You said you wanted to curl up with him in front of a fire.
I would like to curl up with you in front of a fire. We're not intertwined.
I'm not against it. What I'm saying is.
I'm curled like a shrimp in my corner and you're curled like a shrimp in your corner. Let me envision this.
Let me envision this. Okay.
All right. Paint a picture.
All right. So there's a fire.
Where am I? There's a fireplace. There's a fireplace.
We're on the floor. There's some melted cheese on the log.
No, there's an, yeah, there is. There's an oval rug and your curled.
Why is it oval? Because it'll fit both of us. It's an oval rug in front of the- Wait, we have to be together on the rug? Yeah, we're going to be down on the floor and you're on the left side of the oval rug and I'm on the right side of the oval rug.
I want the right. I want the right.
I want the right. Fine.
We're wearing flannel pajamas and, and we've got a fondue pot and we're roasting our bread. We'll be drinking.
Maybe apples. Oh, I'm glad you asked.
You know, Switzerland has some great wines. They're very expensive.
In fact, many Swiss will buy like Italian wines because. Yeah.
Don't worry about the expense. But I'm saying like, you're like concentrating on the wrong things.
Our bodily positions are not necessarily important. What's important here? To me, they are very important.
I mean, you want to, you said we're curled up. Now to everyone in the room, that means we're together.
Our bodies are touching. Like spooning.
Well, not necessarily. Possibly.
If we, yeah. Oh, if they are touching, which areas are touching? I don't care.
These are, you're dwelling on the wrong things. I am free.
I think I'm'm dwelling on a very important fact if our body should touch i i don't even necessarily notice it i it could happen accidentally that's not my goal or nor am i trying to avoid it the point is here we sit in los angeles in an urban environment now picture this is the wonder of travel picture us now in the swiss alps curled up in front of a fire together okay i i can't picture it yeah i think so i would the most i can picture is that i'm in an armchair a leather armchair on one side of the room you're on the leather armchair on the other side of the room that just seems so distant almost like you're trying to avoid me i like yeah and also i want like a japanese screen between us and uh that's it okay and then And then I just find your description to be a little strange. That's all.
Yes. Well, I have specific castles that I have stayed in and I would love to spend time in with you.
And just picture large fields in France running through the fields. Why are we running? I don't want to run through a field.
There's a gopher hole. You break your ankle.
What I'm saying is when you see a large expanse of green grass, okay, France is like a green country. Isn't that doesn't seem like a green country to you? Like, do you see colors when you like, if I say like the number, like if I say 1983, do you see yellow? Nope.
No. If I say the 1990s, do you see red? How long have you been experiencing these headaches? What I'm saying is you don't associate color with different words or places? No don't I mean yeah if you say brown I think of the color brown if you say yellow I think of the color yellow but if you say 1983 I don't think of yellow you don't think of yellow 1985 red 1986 blue 1987 green 1988 yellow again 1989 red again you don't you don't see that I'm pulling the ripcord okay I'm getting us out us out of here.
No, no, this is not a joke. This is a real thing.
I see I see colors. There's no way.
Get analyzed. Frank, get this analyzed.
When I when I see certain words or place. Okay.
France is a green country. I picture large green fields and you and I just running through the field.
MRI. You need to have an MRI.
You have an MRI and they need to inject dye and then they need to do a kind of imaging where they can see. That's called with contrast.
Yeah. Magnetic resonance imaging.
Yeah. Then you'll see the colors.
As opposed to computerized axial tomography, a CAT scan. Do you know laser stands for light amplification by stimulated emission of radiation? Do you know that SCUBA stands for self-contained underwater breathing apparatus? Did you know that we're out of time means I'm ending this right now? Okay.
Thank you very much, Jordan. This has been a really great episode of the Conan and Jordan show.
Or it's been an episode of sorts. I don't know if that's a great one.
What are we playing right now? The Lonely Man theme. Oh, this is the Lonely Man theme.
Look for the piano version by Joe. Oh, yes.
Oh, my gosh. Are you okay? Yeah, it's consuming me.
This is the song they would play with Bill Bixby as Bruce Banner David Banner in the TV series, Bruce Banner in the comics changed on purpose by the series creator and he's walking away and he's alone because if anything infuriates him he turns into the Hulk he. He can't exist in human society.
Yeah. This is the theme that should play when you wander alone in Europe with no one to talk to.
And when you rent a castle and there's a fireplace and some cheese, but I'm not there. There's no one to cuddle with.
Of course, you forgot to invite your wife, who, by the way, is very beautiful and cool, but you didn't think to bring her with you on this romantic getaway because you thought maybe your podcast co-host would be there. And it's very sad.
This is the song that plays. This has been the very emotional episode of The Conan and Jordan Show.
We'll see you next time. Good night.
The Conan and Jordan Show with Conan O'Brien and Jordan Schlansky is produced by me, Frank Smiley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Jim McClure.
Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez. Our supervising producer is Andrew Bruce.
Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. The theme song is Tom Sawyer by Rush.
You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan and Jordan? Call the Team Coco hotline, 669-587-2847, and leave a message.
It, too, could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please

subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. And be sure to

subscribe and tune into Conan O'Brien Radio, channel 104 on Sirius XM. All set for your flight?

Yep, I've got everything I need. All set for your flight?

Yep, I've got everything I need.

Eye mask, neck pillow, T-Mobile, headphones.

Wait, T-Mobile?

You bet.

Free in-flight Wi-Fi.

15% off all Hilton brands.

I never go anywhere without T-Mobile.

Same goes from a water bottle, chewing gum, nail clippers, passport.

Okay, I'm going to leave you to it.

Find out how you can experience travel better at T-Mobile.com slash travel. Qualifying plan required.
Wi-Fi were available on select U.S. airlines.
Deposit and Hilton honors. Membership required for 15% discount.
Terms and conditions apply. Haraday presents, in the red corner, the undisputed, undefeated Weed Whacker Guy.

Champion of hurling grass and pollen everywhere.

And in the blue corner, the challenger, extra strength, Hannity.

Eye drops that work all day to prevent the release of histamines that cause itchy, allergy eyes.

And the winner by knockout is Hannity.