The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories

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Speaker 1 A Monday warrior, me, me, strife. Today's Tom so you mean me pride.

Speaker 1 Okay, if you hear that song, it means you're listening to the Conan and Jordan show or just randomly playing with the knobs on your radio.

Speaker 1 I am Conan O'Brien and I am sitting here with Jordan Schlansky,

Speaker 1 who has been in my employ for many, many years as an associate producer. Never quite figured out

Speaker 1 what he does for me, but we've had a lot of adventures together. Yes.
People often ask me about you. Oh.
People say, how's Jordan doing?

Speaker 1 And then they also want to know, what's the deal with that guy? And so you're a regular part of my life. You come up a lot.

Speaker 1 That's flattering. Yeah.
Yeah. And not so flattering the way they ask it.
But

Speaker 1 the point is,

Speaker 1 we're shackled together.

Speaker 1 For better or worse. We didn't choose this life, but nevertheless, here we find ourselves.
Yes.

Speaker 1 Very well said. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I do enjoy doing these shows with you. I like spending time with you, short amounts of time that are controlled.
You know, you get on my nerves sometimes, and I'm told I get on your nerves.

Speaker 1 Well, I think with any intimate relationship, there are going to be ups and downs. We've never been intimate.
I believe we're intimate right now.

Speaker 1 Oh, well, your definition of intimate and mine is quite different. Maybe it is.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 We have certainly been intimate.

Speaker 1 You cannot deny that you and I have been in intimate situations. I don't think so.

Speaker 1 There's always a camera present

Speaker 1 and a sound crew. And no, I don't think we've been in intimate situations.
It's not always. You and I are friends.
We've hung out.

Speaker 1 No, I am not.

Speaker 1 You and I have socialized with no cameras present. When? Multiple times.
There have been numerous occasions where you and I have socialized. Name one.

Speaker 1 I'm not here to enumerate things that should be self-evident to a man that was there for these experiences.

Speaker 1 You and I are friends. Like it or not, you don't have to.
It doesn't work that way, Jordan. You can't yell at someone, you're my friend, you're my friend.
I'm just stating a fact.

Speaker 1 I asked you to give me a friend. This is not hopeful, by the way.
I'd be okay if we weren't friends. Nevertheless, we are friends.

Speaker 1 Well, I don't want to be friends with someone who doesn't care if they're my friend or not. And I'll tell you something else.

Speaker 1 I asked you to name specific times when we hung out in a social occasion that didn't involve us doing any kind of media project. You failed.
You failed completely. Or wasn't work work-related.

Speaker 1 No, you and I don't hang out. When was the last time you and I went out to the clubs and did the electric boogaloo together? That doesn't happen, you know? So

Speaker 1 I don't know what these times are you're talking about. There are many times.
Well, why don't you cite what? Okay, 2008, do a restaurant Upper East Side. We had a nice dinner.

Speaker 1 We walked through Central Park on a hot, steamy summer night.

Speaker 1 Came across Shakespeare in the park. Watched a beautiful performance together.
Went back to your apartment at the time. Spent quality time.
It was very intimate.

Speaker 1 That was 2008? Yeah, well, Dua Restaurant? Do you discount 2008? I don't remember any of this. Whether you remember it or not, it happened.
And so you and I walked through the park and we walked.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Do a Upper East Side. You lived on the Upper West Side.
Beautiful.

Speaker 1 Did we have tickets to this, Shakespeare and the Park? No, we came. This was serendipitous.
Do you understand? Some of the greatest organic moments in life are unplanned.

Speaker 1 We didn't know we'd have a magical night that night. Nevertheless, we did.

Speaker 1 We remembered it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we started out with a wonderful dinner, dinner uh of course you remember what you had uh yeah of course i remember what i had i had the uh polo scar pargallo and uh jesus yeah and i had the tortino for dessert uh

Speaker 1 you remember what i had uh bron i had a by the way a brancaya tre to drink well that usually goes away with a little uh no no

Speaker 1 i don't know what you had that that was your responsibility but um but after that we walked uh you you came up with you're a man that loves to walk and that's a great quality although you have access to many transportation options you like to walk.

Speaker 1 We've walked in many places of the world. But there was a Shakespeare in the park.
Usually those are in clothes. You can't just walk.

Speaker 1 No, we came across, it was some kind of Shakespeare production in the backstage. You and I stood there and we watched.
We stood there and we walked, we had a moment, a magical, magical moment.

Speaker 1 And then, and then we photographed, we photographed your apartment.

Speaker 1 You did this great thing where it was late at night.

Speaker 1 I remember you doing this. I remember you photographing.
I lived at the Majestic at the time and you photographed it. You took a nice photo of it, which I still have.
I remember this now.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it was. That's, and by the way, this wasn't us being friends.
I asked you to take, that's why we were together was to take that photo.

Speaker 1 I think I paid you for that photo. So this was a gig.

Speaker 1 I paid you because you're a photographer to take a picture of my apartment late at night because I was going to give it to my wife, framed, and you did.

Speaker 1 And we got a bite to eat first and you turned it into this, this

Speaker 1 date.

Speaker 1 Which it wasn't. You got paid.
We don't know when magical experiences will happen to us. We try to plan these things.
We say, oh, I'm going to have a special occasion night.

Speaker 1 You plan and then things inevitably go wrong. And then magic happens when you least expect it.
That night was magic. One of many magical nights and days that you and I have had all across the planet.

Speaker 1 All

Speaker 1 joking around, or I think your preferred term is joshing. I'll joshing aside.
You and I, we've had some good times together. You do get on my nerves.
I can't fake that.

Speaker 1 I do find you to be kind of absurd and

Speaker 1 inhuman in a lot of ways. A free thinker.
What's that? I'm a free thinker. I may not fit into the mold of the characters that we play.
No, no, you just don't seem human to me.

Speaker 1 You're like a cigarette machine

Speaker 1 that's malfunctioning.

Speaker 1 You pull on it, and you're trying to get a pack of cigarettes, and

Speaker 1 some molasses comes out. You seem a little bit on the, something's wrong in your cuckoo tree, but that's neither here nor there.

Speaker 1 I have

Speaker 1 waved the magic wand of fame at your direction, and you have become a known personality. You're welcome.

Speaker 1 As a result, you did an interview recently with the online entertainment publication Collider. Is that right? Yes, I did.
Was this last week?

Speaker 1 No, this was not last week. No, but it's right here last week.
Does it really matter when, though? I mean, it was recent, right?

Speaker 1 I mean, I'm saying to get hung up on details. Was it two weeks ago? It was longer than two weeks ago.
Was it three weeks ago? It was longer than three weeks ago is a very nice young lady from Toronto.

Speaker 1 I love Canadians. I spent a lot of time in Ontario specifically, also British Columbia.
Your girlfriend in college was in Canada, wasn't she? Where are you getting these incorrect facts from?

Speaker 1 No, there was no Canadian. It's an old thing where people would say, you have a girlfriend? Yeah, yeah, she's in Canada.

Speaker 1 And of course, that's code for she doesn't exist. No.
So did you do an interview with Collider? I did. Was it approved by my people?

Speaker 1 In what sense do you ask that question? You're part of the Conan machine. Yes.
And you're out talking about Conan Brian Must Go,

Speaker 1 my show on Max, currently running. And you have the nerve to do your own interview?

Speaker 1 I was asked to do an interview.

Speaker 1 Was it cleared? Was it cleared with Cruise? Was it cleared with Frank? Did you clear it with Ross? Did you clear it with Eduardo? People that needed to know knew.

Speaker 1 I'm one of the people that needs to know. Yes.
I never heard a thing about this.

Speaker 1 You and I don't have a line of dialogue for these matters. The people that needed to know knew.
Okay. I'm going to let it go.
It was discussed. Yeah, it was approved in all.

Speaker 1 I'm going to assume that it's fine. And I'm sorry I flew off the handle.
I've been under a lot of pressure lately launching the match. I'm sure you want people to speak freely under your employee.

Speaker 1 You have nothing to hide. No, I don't.
Yes. No, I want

Speaker 1 this.

Speaker 1 Would you say that to Stalin? Would you say to Stalin? I have a thought. I'm sure, Comrade Stalin, you wish people to speak freely here in the Soviet Union.
No, he didn't.

Speaker 1 He wanted absolute control, which is what I want. My point is, I have deep thoughts, okay? And I have things to say.
No one with deep thoughts says I have deep thoughts. Yes.

Speaker 1 Nevertheless, the thoughts are there, and sometimes people want me to express them. I express the thoughts.
No harm done. How did it go, the Collider interview, Frank? How did it go?

Speaker 1 Well, let's take a look. We have a clip here.
Oh, here we go.

Speaker 2 You happen to be in the Argentina travelogue, and that was an episode I really loved. You've been on so many journeys with him.

Speaker 2 How has the relationship evolved from those early remotes to what we see in this episode?

Speaker 3 I think in the early remotes, I was still approaching this

Speaker 3 aware of the fact that Conan was clearly my boss. And I was kind of, I felt an obligation to be subservient and play the role of the employee.

Speaker 3 But I guess guess gradually over the years, I've been able to put that aside while we're on camera and act just like

Speaker 3 I would be naturally inclined to act should someone approach me in the manner that he does.

Speaker 3 So in that sense, I think it's probably more truer to our actual relationship as opposed to like employer, employee.

Speaker 1 Wow. Yeah.
So you're saying there's been an evolution in our relationship. Yeah, I would hope that any relationship between human creatures or even animal creatures

Speaker 1 undergoes change over time. Jordan, you don't have to keep qualifying it to say we're humans.
It really does give the impression that you're new to this whole human thing. I see.

Speaker 1 And it puts people off. Yes.

Speaker 1 You know, it really does create that image that you came here about nine years ago and were put into this shell, this form, in order to observe us and then report back to the mothership. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, I thought what you said was fairly accurate.

Speaker 1 You realize you still are under my employ, under my aegis. I could crush you with my thumb if I wished.

Speaker 1 A bug

Speaker 1 that I am observing. You amuse me.
I'll let you live for now, but maybe right now. Ooh, squish.
There you go.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 you... I mean, if such statements make you feel more powerful, I'm not going to challenge them.
They do.

Speaker 1 Yes. Yes.

Speaker 1 If you needed that reinforcement, you've got it. Yeah.
Thank you. Appreciate it.
Should we take a look at the next one? Yeah. This is good.
I thought you did a good job.

Speaker 1 I thought you did a good job there. Oh, here we go.
Oh, here we go.

Speaker 2 What's one thing about the relationship with Conan in these episodes that fans might be surprised to to learn that doesn't come across doesn't come across on camera?

Speaker 2 Because I'm sure there was more B-roll that we haven't seen as yet.

Speaker 3 Well, the reality of the situation is

Speaker 3 despite how it may or may not appear.

Speaker 3 Speaking for myself, I love traveling with Conan. I love spending time with him.
I love spending time with him in foreign environments.

Speaker 3 I do truly think that when you travel or experience any kind of new event with someone you know, it does bring you closer together.

Speaker 3 You not only experience things firsthand, but reflect it in somebody else's eyes as well. I genuinely have so many warm memories of traveling to Argentina and other places with him.

Speaker 3 We would have wonderful dinners and we would talk about, you know, the food that we're eating and the local nature of that food and the culture around us. And

Speaker 3 it may surprise people to know that we really get along. And I would like to think he enjoys my company as much as I enjoy his.

Speaker 1 Oh, wow.

Speaker 1 Well, I have one comment. First of all, you said some lovely things there.
But before we get to that, you've got to change your background the next time you do a professional interview. Yes.

Speaker 1 Because the angle's all wrong. We're looking up at a,

Speaker 1 look at that.

Speaker 1 That's a mess. And that looks like you've made it, quickly made a video to try and get help.
Yes.

Speaker 1 I don't have the resources that you have. Do you understand this?

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 I'm a man among men. A human.
Yes, a human man.

Speaker 1 I've got media trained in this regard. I do the best I can.
Okay. Well, look how that beam is coming out of your head.
Yes.

Speaker 1 And it just, it does look like you've drawn the shade so you can cut up a body.

Speaker 1 So let's move on to what you said.

Speaker 1 I write back at you, buddy. I have enjoyed our travels together.

Speaker 1 You do enrage me at times, but what I have found is as infuriating as you are in person, when we go to these exotic lands together, you're still the same person, but suddenly the quality of the food we're having is much better.

Speaker 1 And we're in, you know, we're in Buenos Aires. Right.
Do you know what I mean? Or we're in Tokyo. And so that sort of makes it all go down a little easier.
Do you know what I mean? Oh, I see.

Speaker 1 I prefer you in a foreign land, preferably if I'm not with you.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 but I agree with you. Yes, we come across as these two people who are always at each other's throats.
And

Speaker 1 I do enjoy traveling with you. I think it's a testament to our closeness that we can be at each other's throats and still endure.
Yes, endure and even, may I say, thrive as humans and as animals.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Okay, we're going to take a little break.

Speaker 4 We'll be right back.

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Speaker 1 You know me, I love to travel. You love to do it.
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Speaker 1 professionally for my travel show, but I also just like to, sometimes with my wife, go and visit a foreign land and try their different cuisines.

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Speaker 1 Screen Rant calls it one of the year's best films, while the Hollywood Reporter calls it a warm and witty delight that balances poignancy and humor with rare delicacy. Huh.

Speaker 1 Critics are praising Fraser's performance with Next Picture calling him brilliant and describing the film as a love letter to Japan. You know, true story, when I was shooting a show in Japan,

Speaker 1 we shot a segment where I rented a family.

Speaker 1 I think we still have a picture framed with you and your family that you rented. Yeah, it was really fascinating, and it was a great experience.

Speaker 1 And I worked out some of my issues between my father and I with my rental father. That's good.
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Speaker 1 I was up half the night last night watching a World Series game. Yeah.
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I used to just throw pig skin. Really? Chunks of pig skin.
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Speaker 1 I never had a football. Where would you find the pig? Oh, I went to a farmer.
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Speaker 1 throwing chunks of pigskin around.

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Speaker 1 Okay, welcome back to the Conan and Jordan show. I'm sitting here with Jordan Jordan.

Speaker 1 As you're well aware,

Speaker 1 the travel shows on MAX

Speaker 1 have been well received. We went to four countries.
You came along with me on one.

Speaker 1 And it reminded me that one of the reasons I brought you along on the Argentine episode was that you and I had traveled before. Oh, yeah.
And we had a really good time. We went to Italy together.

Speaker 1 Now, of all the travel shows we did before MAX,

Speaker 1 I think one of my favorites was Italy, just for the sheer fun and silliness of it. That's wonderful.
There was a lot of just kooky comedy. Do you remember going together to Italy? No.

Speaker 1 Yeah, of course I remember going to Italy. Do you understand? That was a pivotal moment in my life.
But I'll tell you something about that trip.

Speaker 1 That trip was a part of my life even before you and I went.

Speaker 1 That was a trip that I had done many times before, and that made it extra personal for me because I was able to share with a beloved companion these moments that have been so special to me.

Speaker 1 A beloved companion? Yeah, you're a beloved companion. The point is, I travel alone typically, and as much as I like...
Do you travel alone? Yeah, I often travel alone.

Speaker 1 As much as I like the freedom that comes with traveling alone and the moments of introspection, sitting in a piazza at 2 a.m. and just watching people go by and pondering the universe.
You creep.

Speaker 1 Does your wife know that you like to travel alone?

Speaker 1 The point is, sometimes you want to share these experiences with somebody, and I was happy to have the opportunity to share this exact experience with you.

Speaker 1 What's your favorite thing about the trip that we took?

Speaker 1 We went to Florence. Did you like that? Yeah, yeah.
Or Firenze, you like to call it. Fidenze.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I said Firenze. Yeah, Firenze.
Firenze. Yeah.

Speaker 1 One more time. Fidenze.
Yeah, you got it. Fidenze.
It's one of those, you know, some countries go by the same name in English as they do in the native country.

Speaker 1 That's one that has changed quite a bit, hasn't it? Florence is Fidenze. Rome, of course, Roma.

Speaker 1 Do you have any others you'd like to? Venice, Venezia.

Speaker 1 How about Pisa? Yeah, Pisa is actually the same.

Speaker 1 I just wanted to ruin your theory. Okay, nevertheless,

Speaker 1 of course, Naples, Napoli. Yeah, Napoli.
Very good. Yeah, that's impressive.
Yeah. So

Speaker 1 basically. I'm an ascending piece of shit.
Yeah, when you ask,

Speaker 1 I'll tell you some of my favorite moments. Okay.
When you ask, I've connected with these places on a spiritual level, okay, but often alone.

Speaker 1 And I'd come back and I would would talk to you about my trip. And you at least pretended to be interested at the time when I came back from hiatus.
Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 1 And then to be there with you at La Logetta or some of these Sorbilo Pizzeria, some of these exact places where I've spent so many years

Speaker 1 was quite moving for me.

Speaker 1 I'm glad that you removed. Yeah.
I wish you'd kept moving,

Speaker 1 but a little quip there. But we had a good time.
We enjoyed many foods together. Yes.
There's a segment where you and I are driving around in a little car and I'm playing

Speaker 1 obscene sounds on a little sound machine. Yes.

Speaker 1 That made me really laugh.

Speaker 1 To this day, I can't see that without laughing.

Speaker 6 That has some background to it. You would drive around by yourself listening to

Speaker 1 Toscana. Yeah, specifically Andrea Bocelli's Celli di Toscana.
And let me tell you something. And then I thought, hey, wouldn't it be funny if we listened to what I like to listen to when I'm driving?

Speaker 1 And it was a lot of embarrassing noises from a sound effects shop.

Speaker 1 Think about getting this car started, and be very careful with your valuable Conan payload.

Speaker 1 Oh, can you stop the car for a sec? Stop it? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Just one other thing. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You're a fool. You are.

Speaker 1 Frame yourself as a sophisticated, an academic, you know, an intellect, and you're a fool. I mean,

Speaker 1 this is like toddler humor.

Speaker 1 All your training has led you to this.

Speaker 1 So you are revered in the world of comedy, the elder statesman of late night television, Harvard-educated,

Speaker 1 many.

Speaker 1 Why did you bring up Harvard? Who gives a shit about that in the comedy world? Okay, I'll tell you, the lampoon, the Harvard Lampoon, respected publication editor-in-chief of some sort.

Speaker 1 Some score president. For a freshman, I think first freshman in the history.
It's okay.

Speaker 1 Let's call president. Anyway, let's talk about Harvard.
All right,

Speaker 1 nevertheless, I'm sorry you have a sore spot about that. I'm not going to talk about where you are.
I don't know what persecution you face as a Harvard graduate.

Speaker 1 I don't know what the sensitivity is about.

Speaker 1 I don't know what the sensitivity is. I don't know if something happened to you at Harvard that you don't want to discuss.
I won't bring it up again. No, no, no.
Okay. So, anyway, you're revered.

Speaker 1 Comedians look up to you.

Speaker 1 Your sophistication in the comedic world. You're a combination of the silly

Speaker 1 and the high-end.

Speaker 1 And all of that background and incredible resume brought you to a little classic fiat cinquacenta with me playing the sounds of a human gas release. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's called a fart. Yeah.
Yeah. It was very funny.
You couldn't call it that. And we were just howling.
It was so funny.

Speaker 1 I mean, you weren't laughing, but I think you just didn't understand what was happening. You were just a confused robot.
But it was so funny. I love that Italy episode.
I hope people check it out.

Speaker 1 It's really, really a lot of fun. It was very special to me.
Yeah.

Speaker 6 You mentioned to me me that Argentina wasn't your first choice.

Speaker 1 You know, I've been to Argentina now three times. And I, and the first two times I went, I did kind of road trips through Patagonia.

Speaker 1 And Argentina is a wonderful country, wonderful people, wonderful culture, wonderful food.

Speaker 1 You know, there are some places that you go to and you say, I had a wonderful experience here, and this will carry me through the rest of my life. And this was great, and I really treasure it.

Speaker 1 But I don't necessarily think I'll ever have the opportunity or need to come back. I loved it.
I loved it. I loved Buenos Aires.
Yeah, I loved it. We had some delicious steak.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 The steak there is fantastic.

Speaker 1 And I was really enjoying the meal, and we shot one of those meals. I think you annoyed me a lot during that meal.
Oh, yes, yes, we did. Yeah, I got kind of angry.

Speaker 1 I got maybe the angriest I've been on camera at you.

Speaker 7 How familiar are you with the culture?

Speaker 1 of Argentina.

Speaker 7 Well, I know that regarding the culture of the Argentines, I'm certainly no expert.

Speaker 7 However, I will tell you that I know that the passion and intensity of of tango flows through the blood of the Argentine people. It's on every street corner that we encounter.

Speaker 1 Tango.

Speaker 7 Tongo. Tango.
It's pronounced tango. Tango.
Last tango in Paris. Last tango in Paris.

Speaker 7 Or more accurately, last tango in Paris.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I'm chewing and I'm furious at the same time.

Speaker 1 And you can see an anger in my eyes. You'd have to watch,

Speaker 1 I don't know, you have to watch a movie about the devil to see that much anger in someone's eyes, you know?

Speaker 1 Yeah, well, I have a respect for the culture and I try to honor the people and the way they speak. And

Speaker 1 if that infuriates you, that sounds like a problem that you're talking about. Another time you got angry, I took you to Japan.
Oh, yes. You got, that's the angriest I've seen you.

Speaker 1 You got very angry because you and I had a traditional meal. Oh, kaiseki.

Speaker 1 Please. Yeah.

Speaker 1 We had kaiseki and we were wearing the robes and we were kneeling at the little small table. They were bringing us the various dishes.
And you started to go on and on about the film Karate Kid 2.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 you expounded on how what made it so special is it was shot in this particular part of Japan. Okinawa.
Okinawa. Island.

Speaker 1 And then I produced, once you had really dug your own grave thoroughly, I produced

Speaker 1 a video that I brought with me of Ralph Machio, the star of Karate Key's one.

Speaker 1 Machio. Yeah, Machio.
Machio. But anyway, I produced a video of him telling you that no, they shot that in the United States.
It was not shot in Japan. Apparently it was shot in Hawaii.
Okay, so you,

Speaker 1 in that moment, looked like a fool. Oh.
And I had set the trap perfectly. And you got, admit it, you got angry.
You got very angry. Well, it's true I made a mistake.

Speaker 1 If you'd like to believe I was angry, if that increases your enjoyment of the situation.

Speaker 1 I I was really mad because you started to say, oh, oh, oh, I guess if I had a booker, I could book someone like Ralph Machio. And I said, Machio, and you said, Macchio, I could get a booker.

Speaker 1 I could get a booker. Oh, big talk show.
You were angry. You were angry.
You were frustrated and angry. You could believe I'm angry if you want to believe I was angry.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. Everybody can see that.

Speaker 1 It got like, look at the footage, people. My fascination with Japanese culture began with the Karate Kid Part 2.
Now, that movie was shot and took place in Okinawa, which is

Speaker 1 the southern part of Japan.

Speaker 1 And well, Daniel was staying in a Ryokan, which is

Speaker 1 Daniel's son, played by Ralph Macchio, which is actually the Italian way pronounced Macchio, but I believe he pronounces it Macchio, and I'll respect his decision. So, Jordan, let's recap.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Your entire fascination with Japan

Speaker 1 stems from the fact that you saw

Speaker 1 Karate Kid 2. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And that it was filmed in where? Okinawa. Okinawa.
I have a message here for you. Please press play

Speaker 1 and hold that out to the camera as you watch it.

Speaker 1 Hi Conan, it's me, Ralph Macchio. Listen, I'm sorry to interrupt.

Speaker 1 I just wanted to tell that Jordan guy that all the scenes in Karate Kid Part 2 that were supposed to be Japan were actually shot in Hawaii.

Speaker 1 Oh, Jordan, those weren't real dinosaurs in Jurassic Park.

Speaker 1 It was Hawaii.

Speaker 1 Thank you, Ralph Macchio.

Speaker 1 You fraud. I understand that making a lot of.
You fraud.

Speaker 1 I think right now you're in shock. Yes.

Speaker 1 And you're going to try and talk yourself out of it. No, no, I'm in shock.
Your childhood hero just came out of my phone and took a shit into your mouth.

Speaker 1 I am shocked that you had our talent booker reach out to his publicist. You have the connections.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I can get to Ralph Macchio. Yeah, yes you can.
You, sir, are a fool. I do not know where Ralph Macchio shot the karate kit.

Speaker 1 Because I'm a fool.

Speaker 1 I am a fool for not knowing where that movie was shot. It's Macchio.
And I can get to him if I wanted to. It's Macchio.
Oh, yeah. Okay.
I can get to Macchio. Listen to you.

Speaker 1 Right now you sound like an insane stalker. We have footage of you with your eyes as wide as an owl saying, I can get to Macchio.
I can get to him. I can get to Macchio.
I can get to Macchio.

Speaker 1 You got mad. Okay.
Well, guess what? You got mad when I took you to a very special experience in Italy, okay? Here's a real story for the people out there that they may not have heard before.

Speaker 1 This is real life, listening audience, okay? I, we were in Florence, and I want to do something special for you. You know why?

Speaker 1 Because I have an intimate knowledge of that city and I said, I can provide you an experience that you can't get as a tourist. Guess how angry he is.
No, no, no.

Speaker 1 This is the way I enhanced your life without you even being aware of it. Okay.

Speaker 1 So I know that, yes, you can have a wonderful dinner in the city of Florence, but i knew a very special magical place outside of the city in the town of fiesole okay this is shortly outside the city maybe eight minutes outside the city okay so i said tonight i'm going to take you and our entire crew to a wonderful dinner in fiesole and you said great how how close is it to florence and i said it's about eight minutes outside the city and you said great

Speaker 1 so we all get in our vans

Speaker 1 And we start driving outside the city to Fiesole. I remember this scene.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then I start, you know, I'm in the van enjoying our company we're talking we're we're having a real experience here the the night was full of opportunity you know this is a wonderful experience um from virtually a local to a tourist like yourself and uh i start getting questions about the amount of time that we were

Speaker 1 more than eight minutes okay so i people start looking at their watches and say this is taking a while and i don't know what the rush was i mean we were done shooting for the day and and we were off to a magical i'm sorry we were all hungry you said eight minutes it was not even close to eight minutes And the bus kept driving and driving and driving.

Speaker 1 And then we're going up a big hill and then we're down a little bit. And I could vouch for this.
Okay. Far away.
I'll accept the fact. You lied.
I'll accept the fact.

Speaker 1 Let's say it was longer than eight minutes.

Speaker 1 You became infuriated by the amount of time it was enraged. Yeah, it is.
I think it got there. I don't think I became infuriated.
I did not turn into the Hulk. Yes.

Speaker 1 My shirt didn't rip. No.
I didn't certainly, I didn't suddenly go from,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 regular actor. What's his name? Bill Bixby.
I didn't suddenly go from Bill Bixby to Lou Farigno. That's not what happened.
Lou Farignho. The GN makes like a Nya sound like Ngoki.

Speaker 1 No, everyone says that's not how they pronounce it. Who's they? I pronounce it, Lou Farigno.
How do you say Hulk? Hulk? No. Hulk.
Hulk? Hulk. It's an English word.
It's actually called Hulk. No.

Speaker 1 Because he was Danish. What? What? Danish? No, he's not Danish.

Speaker 1 I'm just saying. CC Comics.

Speaker 1 You do everything you can to mispronounce things just to be a

Speaker 1 Bill Bixby. That guy can make me cry.

Speaker 1 I mean, that guy, the pain, the lonely man theme composed by Joe Harnell, when he would walk off in the distance, Bill Bixby at the end of every episode, tell me that doesn't bring tears to your eyes.

Speaker 1 Even

Speaker 1 like a guy like you that's always looking for the joke in this situation, when that guy walks down,

Speaker 1 he can't find companionship because he's cursed by this disease. He was exposed to gamma rays.
He's cursed. He walks.
He looks. He only wants companionship.
He only wants to be a free man.

Speaker 1 Does it sound like you? Joe Harnell,

Speaker 1 that lonely man themed play. Did he sound like you? Tell me Bill Bixby.
And he was like a tortured soul in real life. It's Boxby.
No. What do you mean? He's a tortured soul in real life.

Speaker 1 How do you know why? Bill Bixby, that you could see when you talk about an actor and their ability to emote, people think because he was on like a fantasy TV series. They kind of discount him.

Speaker 1 I mean, the guy was like a genius. I didn't know that.
He's tortured.

Speaker 1 You know, there are stories about his life. He had struggles.
Nevertheless, that guy was able to communicate these touching sentiments that are unheard of in a superhero genre. All right.

Speaker 1 Well, listen,

Speaker 1 this is neither here nor there. I didn't get that enraged, but you did lie about how long it was.
But we had a wonderful magical dinner, I'd like to think. Yeah, remember the bicycles on the wall?

Speaker 1 This place had bicycles on the bottom. When we finally got there,

Speaker 1 when we finally got there, it was nice. Yes.

Speaker 1 I've traveled the world with you. Yes.
And

Speaker 1 I want to say I thank you for your companionship. Oh, you're welcome.
Thank you for yours. Very good.
You've studied earthlings long enough to know that that's the correct response.

Speaker 1 That was a normal exchange, right? Yeah. Yeah.
Do you practice at home with pillows? You draw faces on them? No, I don't. And say, well, thank you.
Thank you very much. I do appreciate that.

Speaker 1 Oh, and good to see you as well, sir. How are you?

Speaker 1 Nice to be here. I know how humans are expected to interact.
Do you understand?

Speaker 1 I've witnessed these things. Do you understand? I spend large amounts of time in the world.
I'm sure you did.

Speaker 1 You know, when they put you as a baby into the ship and sent you hurtling towards Earth because your own planet was exploding, you had a lot of time on screens to watch us and learn kind of in your own way how we interact.

Speaker 1 I know how to play this game. Do you understand?

Speaker 1 I know the rules. No one suspects a thing.
I know how to bend the rules. Yes, no one suspects a thing.
That's right. I know how you all interact and I'm happy to play in your world.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Well, just an admission here. Yeah.
That was fantastic. Yeah.
That you're not like us, but you've learned to blend. I'm not.
But are any of us really like us? Yeah. The collective.

Speaker 1 The rest of us in this room are like us. There's no us.
No, no, no, they're not.

Speaker 1 People have have their inner secrets, their inner deviations. Where would you like to go in the future with me?

Speaker 1 The future, Conan? Where would you like to go? Where would you like to travel? Yes. Well, in fact,

Speaker 1 I've got

Speaker 1 an order for six more of these travel shows. And

Speaker 1 I'm curious. Is there any, do you have any requests? You know, I have another very special road trip that I take.
And I would love to share with you, again, in a very intimate setting.

Speaker 1 I would, I found this great combination. I I would fly to Paris

Speaker 1 and I'd spend a couple days in Paris. You have your state frites.
You have your, you know, your wonderful wines. You can,

Speaker 1 you can explore the city. And then I would rent a car and drive through the French countryside.
I'm talking about the Loire Valley where you stay in castles. Now, these things are...

Speaker 1 actual medieval castles that are now converted into lodging and hotels. They're not like Las Vegas made to look medieval.
And you'll stay in the turret of a castle.

Speaker 1 It's an incredibly romantic and ornate and these large green fields. But you want to have all these romantic experiences with me? This is how you connect with humans.
No, no, no.

Speaker 1 This is how you connect with humans. Romantic is how you connect with someone who you have a romantic sexual interest in.
Bisexual?

Speaker 1 Bisexual. Do you have a romantic interest? Of course I do.
What are you talking about? By romance. You ever hear of the romantics? You ever hear of the new romantics in music?

Speaker 1 The fact that you link romance with sex to me is very telling. It's very two-dimensional.
Things are not always so cut and dry. I believe you and I have a very romantic right.

Speaker 1 No, wait a minute. What? What? If I said to my wife, I'm leaving on a very romantic trip with Jordan, she would laugh.

Speaker 1 She would laugh. All right.
She would laugh. She'd think that's silly.
That's not my business. The point is,

Speaker 1 the point is,

Speaker 1 absolutely, we have a romantic relationship. You like to pretend these things away.

Speaker 1 You find yourself in this situation. I know you didn't plan it.
I'm not a romantic moment. I know you didn't plan it this way.

Speaker 1 Whether or not you acknowledge it doesn't discount the fact that it exists.

Speaker 1 Okay. We drive through the Loire Valley.
We drive through Burgundy and we have local Burgundy wines. And then we drive into Switzerland through the Alps and we eat rocklette and fondue.

Speaker 1 And rocklette is a type of cheese that melts over a fire and you eat it and you

Speaker 1 get it out of the fire.

Speaker 1 Please,

Speaker 1 you're in the Swiss Alps, you're sitting in front of a fireplace. High romance, high romance, driving through the mountains.

Speaker 1 And then you drive into northern Italy across the Dolomites and maybe you end up in a town like Venice and you may think, oh, we've done Italy. Well, we did Tuscany and Lazio and

Speaker 1 Campania. Yeah, Venezia.

Speaker 1 Venezia. It's kind of got a flavor.
It's all of its own. And I've done this trip multiple times, off and alone.
I would love to share that experience with you.

Speaker 1 Think of us galloping through the Alps. Galloping? Yeah, galloping through the Alps.
Not on a horse, but on some kind of motorized vehicle, perhaps. Well, it's just

Speaker 1 on foot. No, no, you don't get into a

Speaker 1 gallivanting. I'm sorry, I misspoke.
But just picture us. You don't get into a running.
Remember the sound of a single cup. You don't get into

Speaker 1 a chord and gallop off into the distance. It just doesn't happen.
Yeah, but can you envision the sentiment I'm talking about?

Speaker 1 Like, picture the sound of music, which was shot, of course, in Germany, but picture that in the Swiss Alps. You and I just running through the snowy mountains.
No, that's

Speaker 1 like flannels. I don't picture any of that.
No, we're gallivanting. No, I don't want to gallivanting.
No, we're gallivanting in the Alps. And then at night, we're curled up in front of a fire.

Speaker 1 What are you talking about? We're wearing

Speaker 1 a bunch of people. Maybe Gestad.
You ever been to Gestad? Oh, my God. It's called Stad.
No, Konstig. Gestad.
So, what I'm saying is, and then

Speaker 1 we have Risotto and Polenta in northern Italy. We stay in the mountains there.
Listen to me. I am not a homophobic person at all.
Okay.

Speaker 1 You have to, and I think you know that about me. I absolutely know that.
But I don't, I reject your advances. I reject.
I'm not advancing.

Speaker 1 You just said

Speaker 1 I'm proposing. I'm making a proposition.
I call it an indecent proposal.

Speaker 6 You said you wanted to curl up with him in front of a fire.

Speaker 1 I would like to curl up with you in front of a fire. We're not intertwined.
I'm not against it. What I'm saying is...
I'm curled like a shrimp in my corner and you're curled up. Let me envision this.

Speaker 1 Let me envision this, okay? All right.

Speaker 1 All right, so there's a fire.

Speaker 1 There's a fire. The fireplace, we're on the floor.
There's a rug. There's a lot of cheese on the logs.
No, there's an. Yeah, there is.
There's an oval rug.

Speaker 1 Why is it oval? Because it'll fit both of us. It's an oval rug in front of the...
We have to be together on the rug.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we're going to be down on the floor, and you're on the left side of the oval rug, and I'm on the right side of the oval rug. I want the right.
I want the right. I want the right.
Okay, fine.

Speaker 1 We're wearing flannel pajamas and we've got a fondue pot and we're roasting our bread. What are we drinking? Maybe apples.
Oh, I'm glad you asked. You know, Switzerland has some great wines.

Speaker 1 They're very expensive. In fact, many Swiss will buy like Italian wines because you gotta worry about the expense.
But I will say that we'll put this on here.

Speaker 1 You're like concentrating on the wrong things. Our bodily positions are not necessarily important.
What's important here...

Speaker 1 To me, they are very important. I mean, you want us, you said we're curled up.
Now, to everyone in the room, that means we're together. Our bodies are touching.
Our body is spooning.

Speaker 1 Well, not necessarily, possibly.

Speaker 1 Oh, if they are touching, which areas are touching? I don't care. You're dwelling on the wrong things.
I am. I think I'm dwelling on very important facts.

Speaker 1 If our bodies should touch, I don't even necessarily notice it. It could happen accidentally.
That's not my goal, nor am I trying to avoid it.

Speaker 1 The point is, here we sit in Los Angeles in an urban environment. Now picture, this is the wonder of travel.
Picture us now in the Swiss Alps, curled up in front of a fire together. Okay.

Speaker 1 I can't picture it.

Speaker 1 I think so. The most I can picture is that I'm in an armchair, a leather armchair on one side of the room.
You're on a leather armchair on the other side of the room.

Speaker 1 That just seems so distant, almost like you're trying to avoid me. I like it.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And also I want like a Japanese screen between us.

Speaker 1 And that's it. Okay.
And then

Speaker 1 I just find... I find your description to be a little strange.
That's all. Yes.
Well, I have specific

Speaker 1 castles that I have stayed in and I would love to spend time in with you. And just picture large fields in France running through the fields.

Speaker 1 I don't want to run through a field. There's a gopher hole, you break your what I'm saying is when you see a large expanse of green grass, okay, France is like a green country.

Speaker 1 Isn't that doesn't seem like a green country to you? Like, do you see colors when you like, if I say like the number, like if I say 1983, do you see yellow? Nope. No.

Speaker 1 If I say the 1990s, do you see red?

Speaker 1 How long have you been experiencing these headaches?

Speaker 1 What I'm saying is you don't associate color with different words or places? I don't. I don't.
I mean, yeah, if you say brown, I think of the color brown.

Speaker 1 If you say yellow, I think of the color yellow. But if you say 1983, I don't think of yellow.
You don't think of yellow? Why would you think of yellow?

Speaker 1 1985, red, 1986, blue, 1987, green, 1988, yellow again. Okay.
1989, red again.

Speaker 1 You don't see that? I'm pulling the rip cord. Okay.
I'm getting us out of here. No, no, this is not a joke.
This is a real thing.

Speaker 1 I see colors. There's no way.
Get analyze this. Frank, get this analyzed.
When I see certain words or places. Okay, France is a green country.

Speaker 1 I picture large green fields and you and I just running through the fields mri you need to have an mri

Speaker 1 you have an mri and and they need to inject dye and then they need to do a kind of imaging where they can see that's called with contrast yeah and um magnetic resonance imaging yeah then you'll see the colors

Speaker 1 as opposed to computerized axial tomography a cat scan do you know laser stands for light amplification by stimulated emission of radiation do you know that scuba stands for self-contained underwater breathing apparatus did you know that we're out of time means i'm ending this right now okay uh Thank you very much, Jordan.

Speaker 1 It's been a really great episode of the Conan and Jordan show, or it's been an episode of sorts. I don't know, that's a great one.
What are we playing right now?

Speaker 1 Oh, this is the Lonely Man theme. Look for the piano version by Joe Herring.
Oh, yes.

Speaker 1 Oh, my gosh. Are you okay?

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's consuming me.

Speaker 1 This is the song they would play with Bill Bixby. As Bruce Banner.
David Banner in the TV series, Bruce Banner in the comics.

Speaker 1 Changed on purpose. What a series creator.

Speaker 1 And he's walking away. Yes.
And he's alone because if anything infuriates him, he turns into the hulk. He can't exist in human society.

Speaker 1 This is the

Speaker 1 theme that should play

Speaker 1 when you wander alone in Europe with no one to talk to. And when you rent a castle and there's a fireplace and some cheese, but I'm not there.

Speaker 1 There's no one to cuddle with. Of course, you forgot to invite your wife, who, by the way, is very beautiful and cool, but

Speaker 1 you didn't think to bring her with you on this romantic getaway because you thought maybe your podcast co-host would be there.

Speaker 1 And it's very sad.

Speaker 1 This is the song that plays.

Speaker 1 This has been the

Speaker 1 very

Speaker 1 emotional episode of the Con and Jordan Show. I'll see you next time.

Speaker 1 Good night.

Speaker 6 The Conan and Jordan Show with Conan O'Brien and Jordan Chlansky is produced by me, Frank Smiley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Jim McClure.

Speaker 6 Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez.

Speaker 6 Our supervising producer is Andrew Groos. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn.
The theme song is Tom Sawyer by by Rush.

Speaker 6 You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan and Jordan?

Speaker 6 Call the Team Cocoa Hotline, 669-587-2847, and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode.

Speaker 6 And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

Speaker 6 And be sure to subscribe and tune into Conan O'Brien Radio, Channel 104 on SiriusXM.

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