Timothy Olyphant Returns Again

This message is brought to you by Apple Card.

Did you know AppleCard is designed to help you pay off your balance faster with smart payment suggestions?

Did you know that, Sona?

I didn't.

And because fees don't help you, Apple Card doesn't have any none.

So if your credit card is an Apple Card.

Uh, maybe it should be.

Subject to credit approval.

Apple Card issued by Goldman Sachs Bank, USA, Salt Lake City Branch.

Variable APRs range from 18.24% to 28.49% based on credit worthiness.

Rates as of July 1st, 2025.

Terms and more at applecard.com.

Having the right people in your corner to support you in life makes all the difference.

Trust me, I've been there.

The person could be the friend who goes with you to test drive a new car, but it could also be the state farm agent who helps you choose coverage for that car.

Let State Farm handle the coverage parts of life so you can focus on the fun parts of life, like taking your new car out on the open road.

You don't have to worry about the coverage parts.

You betcha.

Go online at statefarm.com or use the award-winning app.

That app won an award.

No surprise to get help from one of their local agents.

Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.

My name is Timothy Oliphant.

And I feel so wonderful about being Conan O'Brien's.

It's almost as if I was given a beach house,

but one that I don't frequent.

Fall is here, hear the yell.

Back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walk in blues, climb the fence, books and pens.

I can tell that we are gonna be friends.

Yes, I can tell that we are gonna be friends.

Hey there and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend.

I'm sitting here with Matt Gorley and Sonoma Obsession.

Just put some...

What did you put on there?

Lip chapstick.

Chapstick.

Chapstick.

Okay, not a gloss.

Is there a difference between a gloss and a chapstick?

Of course.

I don't know.

I actually don't know.

One is gloss.

Okay.

And the other one lubricates.

I would think a gloss would lubricate it.

Gloss also lubricates, but the gloss glosses.

I don't understand.

You can't just, you're not allowed to use the word in the definition.

But that's what it does.

What is it?

Literally what it does.

It opens the door.

What?

A door is the thing that opens.

It opens the door.

That doesn't even make sense.

The door doesn't open the door.

It's you open the door.

The knob opens the door.

Stupid called and said, it's you.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Oh, you stupid called and it said, just kidding.

I'm coning.

Damn it.

You won.

I don't know how to say this.

She won.

She won.

I know.

I couldn't believe that she did that.

I just don't know how to say this, but I quit.

Well, I think you don't know how to say it, and I think you just quit.

But I think you'll be back because we have the best.

What does quit mean?

Well, you quit.

No, you can't.

You're not going to quit.

You're not going to quit.

This is like the mafia.

You can't leave.

You know what I mean?

You can't leave.

I want to leave.

Yeah.

You're going to be in the front seat of the car and you'll be wondering why Conan's sitting in the back.

Every time I'm out there, they pull me back in.

They pull me back in.

Wow.

That's

a great stalker channing.

So, anyway,

wow.

Okay.

Nixon impersonator for every.

Yeah.

All the people.

I resent that remark.

Is that Soccer Channing?

I was in Greece, and then I was in six degrees of separation.

I was on the West Wing as President Bartlett's wife.

I'm Stucker Channing, and I am not a cop.

That's how good my impression is.

I definitely quit.

I think everyone's quitting with you.

All our listeners are quitting as well.

You know, we have to keep this intro short today because the guy is on today

talks.

He talks and he takes over.

But every word is.

What makes

you handsome?

Adam and I talk about this.

He brings an element of chaos to this podcast that I think what you normally do to us, he does to you.

Maybe.

And there is such a sweet, like...

revenge, right?

There's a feeling of justice happening that it's like Freddy Krueger gets his in the end.

I think he's one of my favorite guests that we ever have because of what he does to this show he turns the other thing is I think he and Kevin Nealon are in the same category yes they're chaos agents who have no respect for me um right and uh and they they just go for it the fans are always delighted when these guys are on either one of them and uh yeah he's so smiley and genial and yet there's this uh contempt i don't know he's also like masculine but like a pixie from another world that comes in and just kind of messes with everything.

You know, I get no masculinity from him.

Oh, I get a lot of masculinity.

Are you?

No, none.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I think.

He's so handsome.

Yeah, he is.

That's different than being masculine.

It's not just being handsome.

He's like cool.

Yeah.

And he's like, you know, he could do, I feel like he could do everything.

He's in Deadwood, my favorite show of all time.

I love that he always comes in wearing sandals.

Yeah.

Sliders, man.

Sliders.

Okay, yeah, that's right.

He has small hamburgers tied to his knees.

This is going to come up.

Small hamburgers.

See, he wouldn't say that.

I think it's funny.

I think it's very funny.

And you know what?

Can I just say something?

I clean up pretty nice.

I think a lot of people wonder, if you put a Timmy Oliphant next to me, you'd be like, oh,

whatever.

They're both handsome.

Okay.

Why are you making this about him?

Because none of us can compete with him.

We can say he's handsome.

You can also be handsome.

He can also be handsome.

But he also has, like, I don't think any of the comments are going to be like, I wish Conan talked more.

Like,

I don't think that's going to be like a criticism.

It's not like people are going to light up the switchboards and be like, can you not have Timothy Oliphant on again?

Because I wanted to hear more Conan.

Shut Timothy Olephant up and more Conan.

I don't think that's just, I just don't think that's going to happen.

I've never heard him so quiet.

I know.

And you guys are friends too.

That's the part that probably stings the most is you guys are friends right remember in good fellas when they're playing poker

and uh

and then spider this is the third time this has come up on this yeah

it's important it's important okay because this it relates to this moment right now okay spider finally talks back to Pesci right and everyone's laughing and loving it yeah and Pesci's just staring at Spider.

Yeah.

That's what's happening right now.

Are you going to tell me shut up called and told me it's me?

I'm going to pull out a gun and pull the trigger, and the gun is going to say, shut up, called.

And it's you.

Do you know that when that happened, and Spider, the guy who plays Imperio, he might go Imperiali?

His squibs went off, the blood packs, and

he crushed a glass with his hand during the take.

So they had to rush him to the hospital because his hand was bleeding.

But they rushed him in the hospital and the doctors freaked out because they thought that he had been like machine gunned.

Hauling the streets of the squibs.

Because of the squibs, yeah.

And that's just another movie, fun fact by your podcast co-host, I'm at Gorley.

You know what I love?

You're the guy here that's supposed to keep us on time.

Yes.

Keep us on track.

And I'm in the Timothy.

The elephant mode.

All of this led to that one fact.

It was our pleasure.

I got to say this.

I'll get to hear about Frank Sinatra and Die Hard.

I'll concede the following points.

Tim Oliphant, one of the handsomest fellows you'll ever see, fantastic actor.

Yes.

And

a spectacularly funny guy who's also cool at the same time.

And I give him all of that.

I give him all of that.

And he's nice to all of us.

Come on.

That's overrated.

He is.

He's really nice to me.

I could be nice to you if I wanted to.

What does that mean?

Yeah.

He comes in.

There are two types of guests.

Everyone's nice.

Everyone's polite.

But there are two types.

Those that come in and they take in the room and they like bring people in.

And he brings people in.

Yeah, he does.

Goldblum was like that.

Oh, yeah.

Harrison Ford.

Yes.

Kesha.

Oh.

Yes.

All right.

Well, I think they pick up on my energy, which is very less.

This is not about you.

I know.

No one's talking talking about it.

Conan, my name's Conan.

No, this is the least about you this podcast has ever been.

It really is.

This is going to be the least you ever speak.

Conan Conan.

Conan.

This episode is going to win the coveted Conan Award.

All right.

Yeah, that's okay.

You forgot the most important part.

Here we go.

Let's get into this.

My guest today has starred in such shows and movies as Matt Garley's favorite of all time, Deadwood, Justified, which I also love, and Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, a movie I adore.

I'm a Quentin Tarantino freak, and I love that movie.

Now you can see him in the new FX series, Alien Earth.

Very excited to chat with him today.

He's one of our all-time favorites.

Timothy Oliphant, welcome.

We hang out.

Timothy and I, I call him Timothy because we're close.

Timothy Oliphant.

We hang out.

Not long ago, I hung out with you and we wandered around.

We looked at some of your artistic endeavors.

You're a very artistic man.

I want to get that word out there.

This is my third time here on the podcast, and I see nothing has changed.

I love it.

I wasn't sure because I knew it's gotten big.

Yeah.

You know, huge.

You know, I listen to it.

I don't listen to it, but I read the transcripts.

And

he goes to the library and checks out the transcripts.

The microphone.

It's so good.

And it's so good.

It's this part where you're talking.

It needs to be improved.

It just needs a.

Who edits it?

Matt, right here.

Matt, you're right here.

Yeah.

You're seeing what I'm seeing.

Uh-huh.

Nobody stops him.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You should hear what I cut out.

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah.

Really?

Long hours.

Long screeds.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We're trying to substitute someone in, you know, swap them out.

But yeah, the names in the top.

I've been honest about my affection for Timothy Oliphant and maybe my man crush.

And then I find out today that there are two gentlemen in this room who join me in those feelings.

I might even supersede you.

Okay.

Why don't you go?

I was told by Matt and by Adam.

I love those guys.

Yeah.

He probably knows all that.

And what is it about the Timothy Oliphant episodes that seem to

resonate?

Oh, he just disassembles it and deconstructs it and takes over in such a lovely way.

Episodes of this show.

Yes.

That you've done.

Wow.

That you've been on.

Don't set me up, Matt.

No.

Come on.

We're only, this is only, we're like five minutes in.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, we call you Never Miss Oliphant.

So I guess the pressure's on.

Go ahead.

You're doing.

Yeah, fill that.

Fill that space.

Where are you going with this, O'Brien?

The name's Conan O'Brien.

You'll use my full name as I use yours, Timothy Oliphant.

A lot of excitement.

C is for comedy.

Exactly.

O is for O.

N is for

A is for ah.

And N is for no.

Who's more chill than this guy?

He walks in in flip-flops?

Those are slides.

The slides?

Okay.

I'm sorry.

What's the difference between a flip-flop and a slide?

How long have you been in California, Boston?

I don't know.

I don't look down.

Talk to me, Boston.

No one wears.

How long have you been in California?

I told you once I was walking in the streets of Boston and some guy, lovely, came up and just said, Hey, man, love your work.

Say hey to Conan.

That's what that is what I want out there.

I want anytime Tim goes someplace, I want people to be shouting me out.

Didn't break stride, that guy.

No, they got a lot to do in Boston.

He had to get to it as good as it gets.

He had to get to a dunkin.

I'm just going to hope and trust he's listening, and he knows that I'm talking to him right now.

And I say, that's as good as it gets.

He's from Medford.

Yeah.

That was pretty good.

No, there's a lot of affection for you, Timothy B.

Olafan.

I don't know your middle name, I just made that up.

Um, this is close, is it?

D.

Yeah, close enough.

Uh-huh.

Look at him drink, it's incredible.

Jeez,

the play-by-play.

You've added play-by-play, and he set it down to a little rubber coaster.

Who picked these coasters out, by the way?

I think it's for sound.

I picked the coasters for sound, Adam, right?

These are for sound.

Does Adam remind you at all of Michael Sarah?

Do you get a Michael Sarah vibe from him at all?

Thank you.

Thank you.

Stronger, handsome strapping Michael Sarah.

Yeah, exactly.

Right there.

You know, fantastic having you here.

It's good to be here.

You and I.

Thank you guys for having me.

You and I are.

I couldn't be the first to return again, but the second or fifth, seventh?

Oh, I don't know.

Good question.

How many returnee?

I mean, that's a good question.

I mean, first of all, you're.

Bill Burr?

It might have been.

I think it was Bill Burr.

Might have been Bill Burr.

But you, I mean, what do the fans say?

Got it.

Thank you.

Weigh in on this.

Weigh in on this.

I'm not readily available.

I didn't mean to hold up the show.

Yeah, we have all these facts at your fingertips.

How much water do I displace

when placed in a tank?

Tell us, Adam, what are the fans,

what's the reaction?

Because we get a very strong reaction.

I always assume negative when Timothy's on, but apparently it's not.

No, no, no.

Universally positive.

Yes.

Okay.

Universally positive.

And they love, too, that it's a different, it's a whole different kind of episode when he's on.

Rascal, because he comes in and he just takes over.

He's a rascal.

Last time he did the introduction himself.

You weren't even a part of it.

He made me leave the room.

You know what he is?

He is a rascal.

Rascal implies, and I say it like that, rascal.

And I don't mean the device that some older people use to get through the mall.

I mean

in the oldest timey sense.

And cut.

He is.

He's a scamp.

You're a scamp.

How have you been?

You're a lovable.

We haven't seen each other in a while.

I've been good, you know,

staying out of trouble.

How about you, man?

How's it going?

Really?

That's how quick?

Yeah.

How about this weather?

How about this weather over here?

I'm trying to get the ball out of my court so fast.

How have I been?

I've been fine.

I've been okay.

Yeah.

I've been good, you know, and

I don't think there's much going on in my life, you know, just here, podcasting.

What?

There's a lot.

There's a lot always going on in your life.

You're constantly doing things.

You have to be a very busy person.

I haven't seen you in a while.

And then if you say nothing's been going on, then all I can do is take offense to that.

Aren't you flying on Thursday to go do Toy Story?

I'm flying today.

Oh, see, there's a lot going on.

Toy Story 5.

What, number 5?

Yeah.

Guys, that's always the best one.

Friday the 13th part 5.

Yeah.

Death Wish number 5.

Best one.

It's always like the first one's amazing.

The second one's like, didn't really need a sequel.

The third one's like, what are they just trying to grab the money?

But the fourth and then the fifth is when it's like, oh, that's what I'm doing.

That's what they were trying to do all along.

Yeah.

That's what they were reaching for all along.

And you're a part of that.

I was excited because when they approached me, the impression I got was that I was going to be the face of the franchise now.

That's the impression I got.

Right.

And then I find.

And they are using your face because they're all little funny toys.

Okay, that's not nice.

That's not nice.

Got cruel.

That's not nice.

I didn't realize.

Don Rickles has stopped by.

Tasting your own medicine, man.

I don't think so.

Really?

I think I'm a kind man.

Okay, I appreciate that because it felt like it hurt a little.

No, it didn't.

That's what I hear from him all the time.

I mean, he's calling him Michael Sarah.

Nothing against Michael.

Michael Sarah's.

Why don't you apologize to Michael Sarah?

I meant it as a compliment.

I mean, Michael Sarah's a very good-looking guy.

So did I.

So, what the fuck are you talking about?

Michael, I just want to know if you're listening.

Nobody took it that way.

O'Brien.

He's a regular.

Be honest.

Be honest.

It was a slam.

Total slam.

Whenever I see someone who's really sick, sick, I say, what happened to you, Michael Sarah?

I visit wards where people are very ill.

And I go, hey, a whole room full of Michael Sarah's here.

Let me circle back.

Always kills.

They laugh really hard and they all die.

Let me circle back because

it occurs to me I'm in show business and he might be listening.

I'm a huge fan.

Yeah, me too.

Huge fan.

Yeah, me too.

And I think he's handsome.

Hey, Scott Dilgram, that's one of my favorite movies in the last 10 years.

Great movie.

Well, it's longer than 10 years.

I think it's 11.

Yeah, and then he wrote a little one,

went to the Oscars, got that guy an Oscar.

That guy,

Colkin.

What?

One of the Colkins.

I know it.

He knows which one.

I'm a fan of his as well.

God damn it.

Kieran.

Jesse Eisenberg.

Tell me about Jesse Eisenberg.

You just, you know.

That's not Michael Sarah.

God damn it.

Is that Eisenberg?

Do you ever get outside?

Oh, wow.

You spend so much time laying out in the sun, deciding which slides you're going to wear today and how you're going to swag.

Should I saunter or swagger?

I'll go with saunter.

you know what i want to take this opportunity now to say i'm a fan of both those guys

you're going to go far in this business

you're going to go so far god

damn it i want to come back as this guy i'm all in my head freaked out all the time and then right i will say i mean from where eduardo and i are sitting no offense it is kind of like a before and after picture oh jesus

what are you doing well i'm just i don't want to pull eduardo into this

i'm not co-signing well I'm all right.

Well, I'm just saying it.

I was just thinking.

Yeah, I'm before the accident, and he's after the accident.

Well, I'm just saying, like,

it's kind of like Captain America.

It's like Steve, you know, before

he goes in a thing.

Well, look at his hair.

Look at his great hair.

This is cool.

This is the greatest hair in show business, right there.

Okay, I guess you guys both have.

I'm just going to stop talking.

You know what?

You're reasoning.

You're pale.

I'm just saying it.

He's really.

Look at his.

You know what?

Gway.

Glay.

Just check yourself out for a little while.

I'm going to go think about what you did.

So sorry.

You actually have a little color.

I feel like you've been in the sun.

I have been a little bit in the sun, but you would be shocked at how little I've been in the sun.

Right.

I can do this in five minutes.

This was just from the car into the studio?

Yeah, it probably was.

This is reflected light.

You've got your umbrella?

This is reflected.

This is the light from my night,

from my clock radio at night.

From your iPhone.

Yeah.

You're a lovely man.

Thank you.

You're a man.

I'll tell you something.

I know you don't like to be a good person.

Is this you keeping this on track?

There's nothing.

There's no planning.

Look at the notes I made.

These are my notes.

It has been date at the top.

There is nothing on these notes.

There's nothing on these notes because you know what's so funny?

That's it.

Today, I'm not helping.

My assistant, my sorry, Sona, but the assistant who really does stuff.

He handed me the notes for Tim Oliphant, and I was like, what are you talking about?

And it is just a page of nothing.

I think there's written in invisible ink just Conan plus Timothy all over and over again.

I was all over that.

Come on, hit me with some questions.

You swam competitively

at USC.

And my question for you is: do you still, I know you don't just get a body like that.

You jump on.

Well, I'm sorry.

Why did you say it like that?

That's true.

For once, I agree with you.

Exactly.

So, what's the regimen?

Are you up every morning?

Are you in the pool every day?

Are you in the pool every day, Timothy?

All that you want a question?

Oh, suddenly you just want a question.

He can't stop himself.

Literally, all he had to say there was, do you still swim?

I like the way I did it.

I mean, are we worried about filling the time?

How long is this thing?

It's about two minutes left.

We're experimenting with real short ones.

That's almost enough time for your next question.

I want to know.

You can answer a question.

I swam this morning.

I know you did.

I could smell the chlorine when you came up up the stairs.

That's possible.

Yeah.

Yeah, I swam this morning.

Yeah.

You got a follow-up?

Yeah, I do.

When you swim, do you strap weights to your legs and why not?

I think you would build your legs, and also the possibility that you would drown would go up like 40%.

How about you?

What's your exercise?

What did you do today?

That's good of you to ask.

I did weights this morning.

I did weights.

I know.

I know it doesn't show, but I did some chest.

I did some bicep.

I did a lot of crunches.

I do a lot of crunches.

Two guys over their 50s talking about exercise.

Nobody is sexier than that.

Two guys talking about exercise and what hurts.

I want to be able to get onto a toilet and off a toilet.

And that's a lot of my exercise.

I have a fake toilet in my exercise room and I get onto it and I get off of it and I get onto it and off of it.

Do you ever occasionally accidentally use it?

No.

There's been some confusion after a few drinks.

So you did weights today?

I did weights.

Yep.

I did weights.

Weights.

People probably want to know, how do I get Conan's body?

Well, it's called Don't

Be Ill as a Child.

I admire you, Tim Allphant, and there's been some excitement.

I know usually we don't talk about what you're up to on this podcast, and you're going to try and derail this as best you can.

No, no, I'm all.

You're involved in a project right now.

You're involved in a project that I've known about for a while.

This is the toothpaste.

Nope.

Nope.

This is not the toothpaste.

Okay.

Think again.

There's a lot going on.

It's in a recycle.

The oliphant urinal taste.

It's going to recycle.

You want to pee on Timothy Oliphant?

Well, now you can.

Celebrity compost.

Yeah, exactly.

Did I tell you why my compost?

Oh, look at these roses.

Oliphant.

They should do something where you have to figure out which celebrities who manages this.

But it's really close to

the deteriorated state, but people can still look at it.

How do you expert guess?

How do you get your hydrangeas that full?

Yeah, that's Clooney's.

That's what he throws out.

That's what he throws out.

Celebrity compost.

This guy's excited about your project.

Talks to me.

Very excited.

Gorley, tell him.

This is the first question you asked today because you're coming out of your skin over this.

I do.

I love the Alien franchise.

I'm excited.

I don't know what you play.

Are you a synthetic?

Do you bleed milk?

What are you doing on there?

First of all, thank you.

I'm glad you're excited.

Okay.

Number two, I do play a synthetic.

Wow.

Wow.

That's a real stretch.

Now, wait a minute.

Talk to me.

What do you want to do?

Hey, we're talking.

What do you want to know?

We're talking.

Are you a good synthetic, a bad synthetic?

Are you saying you're one thing and then you're the other?

Because that's the real rich history of it.

That's going to ruin the movie for us.

I'm sorry.

The TV.

Yeah, when is this little puppy?

When is this thing here?

It's coming out right around the time that your new FX series, Alien Earth, Earth, comes out.

You really are running the show.

I do what I have to do.

I appreciate that.

And your publicists will thank me.

They'll say, thank you for cutting through the bullshit, the cruel jibes and jests to get to Timothy's Project because this is an exciting one.

And also, Deadwood's my favorite TV show of all.

time.

That's very kind of amazing.

Thank you.

I know so.

I've had TV show as well.

Oh, did you?

Yeah, Late Night with Conan O'Brien, followed by.

Does it ring a bell?

What's this podcast called?

Sam and Jesse Eisenberg.

A couple of years, not that long ago, I uh you and I met up as we do when we like to prowl the bars and you had um very different hair and you had uh you were headed off to Thailand or I just come back from Thailand Thailand.

What's that?

Yep, I was in Thailand.

Yeah, isn't that what I said?

Yeah, no, sorry, I thought I'd stop you.

Oh, it's never better.

Yeah.

Okay, so he's in your favorite show, and he's beating up on the guy you hate the most.

Well, he's my favorite guest because, yeah, because he gives us the freedom to do, like, there for us, go him, or what's that phrase?

You know what I mean?

There for you, go me.

You know, he's, did you go to college?

I have a master's degree.

There, but for the grace of God, go I.

No, no, that's not it.

Blade, no one steps in.

You know, Harrison Ford was here and told him to shut the fuck up.

So did Tom Hanks did.

And Tom Hanks did it too.

And you know what?

You're amazing.

You always step in and go, excuse me, I think you meant TNT.

No, we didn't mean.

Anyway, you know what I mean.

He comes in and he makes it okay for us to just, he takes over and we can just relax.

You know what I mean?

A little bit?

Like

he does what we normally have to kind of do.

You guys have to be like the stopgap against the madness.

It just occurred to me, Hanks.

That's how we got into Toy Story.

Oh, yeah.

He pulled some strings.

Yeah.

He pulled some strings.

I wish I had.

Nice.

I was disappointed to find out that Hanks is in it.

I didn't think he would be.

I thought they would have moved on from the woody thing.

And I thought I was the main focus.

And then I find out that all those guys are in it.

I'm sorry.

And I was thinking, well, what am I doing here?

You know, what's the point of bringing in the big gun if you've already got those guys?

Yeah.

Let's keep talking about your stuff.

Toy Story 5

comes out, I believe.

That's always the best.

That's always the best one.

They went as far as they could without me.

What are you playing?

What are you?

I don't want to talk about it.

I'm a synthetic.

I bleed milk.

Sleep.

Always sleep.

Dear little action figure?

We'll see.

Connor Brian Needs a Friend is brought to you by Airbnb.

You know, one of the best things, Sona, about traveling is getting to immerse yourself in a new culture, try new things that you wouldn't have otherwise thought of.

That's right.

Yeah, that's why I love Airbnb experiences, authentic, unique ways to explore a city like a local and meet new people along the way.

Yeah, it is.

I'm such a fan of Airbnb experiences.

Get this?

I'm hosting my own Airbnb original experience at the Sirius XM Garage, LA on Thursday, September 4th.

You'll get to sit down on a very intimate, one-of-a-kind live podcast recording with a mystery celebrity guest, followed by a cocktail party and and a fun surprise experience you'll only know about if you're there.

This is something you want to be part of.

I think it's going to be what the kids back in the 60s called a happening.

Plus, you'll take home exclusive Connor Brian Needs a Friend merch.

But that's not all.

Everyone at my Airbnb original experience will get to record their own I feel.

So come and tell us how you feel about being my friend.

No profanity, please.

I think this is going to be a fun day.

I'm very much looking forward to the secret guest on this podcast.

I think it's going to be a lot of fun.

Go to airbnb.com slash Conan to snag your spot on August 21st.

Guests and co-travelers must have an Airbnb account prior to signing up for the experience.

Max two guests per booking.

Hey, can't wait to see you there.

Mattress Rooms, sleep experts.

Use their extensive training and expertise to match you with the perfect sleep solution.

Snoring?

They'll match you with the right bed and base for quieter nights.

Sleeping hot and waking up like a boiled potato.

Well, boiled potato?

I've never had a boiled potato.

Usually I haven't fried.

Anyway, an Irish guy gets stuck on potato.

There are mattresses designed to let hot air and humidity escape so mornings aren't spent.

peeling off the sheets, sharing a bed with someone who tosses and turns like an angry sea captain.

Mattresses, well, I've spent the night with an angry sea captain.

Mattresses with motion isolation technology help keep the chaos on their side of the bed.

Hello?

Sagging or dipping?

No, thank you, please.

Mattress Firm offers beds with edge-to-edge support to help everything stay even.

Plus, they'll even set up your new mattress and haul away the old one.

That's important.

Yeah.

You got to haul that old one away.

Don't let a hoarder in your family keep the mattress, he said from personal experience.

Oh, no.

No, I didn't say anything.

I didn't say anything.

You don't know who I'm talking about.

Could be my wife.

For the great sleep you deserve, visit Mattress Firm during the Labor Day sale, the best sale of the year.

They make sleep easy.

Introducing Searchlight Pictures' new movie, The Roses.

Perfect couple, Ivy and Theo Rose, played by Benedict Cumberbatch and Olivia Coleman, have it all.

Successful careers, a loving marriage, great kids.

But when Theo's career comes crashing down just as Ivy's fame starts to skyrocket, a tinderbox of fierce competition and growing resentment ignites, threatening to destroy everything they've built if they don't destroy each other first.

Directed by Jay Roach of Meet the Parents and written by Tony McNamara of Poor Things the Roses is a sharp, laugh-out-loud comedy about love, rivalry, and what happens when success becomes a battlefield.

Also starring Andy Samberg, Allison Janney, Shooty Gatwa, and Kate McKinnon.

All spare when love is warrior.

In theaters everywhere, August 29th.

Get tickets now.

Be honest.

The two of us, Oliphant, O'Brien.

I'm ready to be honest.

Okay, no, no, but seriously, the two of us in something together.

Why have we not monetized this relationship?

Because every time we hang out, you say, Let's figure out a way to monetize this friendship.

Yes.

Yeah, I do.

And then, yeah, I'm always on a and I'm waiting.

I'm always on a Zoom with faux Michael Sarah over here.

And we're figuring out a way to try and let's get some coin out of this.

You know,

Jesus.

I think it's like a midnight run situation where you're a cool loose canning cop and you're an accountant that he has to take across country or something like that.

You know, you're handcuffed together.

No, I think I am.

Okay, I'm I'm out of ideas.

A porn star.

You know, a guy who's just known for having a Big Johnson.

And then this guy comes along and he's like, oh,

teach me.

What do you think, guys?

Yes.

And

I know, I would, I think it'd be, we got something.

And clearly, I would be very happy to play some kind of subordinate role.

I mean, I get it.

You're the movie guy.

I'm not that guy.

But I think there's a project out there.

There's a short film.

There's something we do together.

I love that.

I see.

I always assumed you wanted you wanted first billing.

No.

No, you're okay with being I would totally, yeah.

I'm sorry.

I would have spoke up.

I have ideas.

So the only thing stopping you

is you thought I would get top billing.

Yeah.

I was like, no, no, I'm

count pages.

I'm deluded, but I'm not that deluded.

I'm deluded in many ways, but no, I think this would be something that you drive.

I mean, you've got it all.

Can we do like a...

You're a leading man.

You're a character actor.

You've got it all.

Can we be like just a little short, little five-minute things?

No.

Can we still do that?

You want it like full and yeah, I want it to be like at least 25 minutes long.

Maybe

my ideas are all about the length.

Yeah.

It's like, I've got it.

It's 28 minutes.

And then I don't know what it is.

But I do think us together, that's a magical, there's something here.

It's not peanut butter and jelly, but it's like peanut butter and then almond butter together on a sandwich.

Yeah, and I feel it.

There's something here.

And by the way, way, it's here right now.

It's here now.

People feel it.

Yes, they do.

They do.

There's an affection, but there's also an animosity.

And when those two come together, it's like when they cross the streams in Ghostbusters, we got you, Gorley, back in the conversation.

Tell us about it.

Ghostbusters?

That's what brought you back?

I mean, what do you want me to say?

Isn't this where you go?

Well, I don't cross the streams.

It's a tripartite stream.

You're right, you son of a bitch.

Not a fan of his.

Wait, did you just say that about me?

Not at all.

I'm at the microphone.

Do I get to speak my truth at some point?

No.

Okay.

All right.

All right.

You admire me, and this is on act.

He said desperately.

I'm imagining you coming over here and getting in your head about this because it's you.

You're like, I'm going to be talking to Conan.

Yes, it's okay.

Okay.

Oh, me?

Yeah.

I do get a little nervous.

Why do you get nervous?

I'm not even.

I don't know, but the show business, I get a little nervous.

I was like, yeah, I got a thing.

What am I going to talk about?

Should I plan some bits?

I like bits.

You do like bits.

You always get.

I saw Smiley down there.

I was like, God, why didn't I do a pre-interview?

Frank Smiley's.

Frank Smiley's in the building.

We don't do.

It'd be great if we did pre-interviews.

And we had planned all of this.

Whatever the fuck it is that we do.

This is why I plan this out.

I don't like the people feeling like we're wasting their time, which.

That's what this was.

I remember the first time you came on, you had written an ad and you just interrupted the interview to do yours.

I brought my own ads.

I had had some bits.

Yeah, I did my own ads.

Appreciate your memory.

You bet.

Yeah.

And I thought, oh, I could bring ads again.

People love ads.

People love the ads.

They do.

Feel free to make one up

anytime.

I mean, you can always make something up.

Whatever you want to promote, you can promote a product that you want to be involved with.

Oh, that's a great idea.

You know what I mean?

Like, I don't know if you want a Rolex watch or you want a Maserati.

You start talking about it and maybe you manifest it.

That's smart.

Yeah.

What's your next question?

Do you have questions?

What are some of your questions?

What have you always thought?

I want to ask Tim this next time I see him.

You've ever been in a fight, a real fight?

Not since I was quite young.

Okay, like how young?

Fights

maybe high school, junior high school, right?

Somewhere around there, junior lights.

Yeah, somewhere around there.

But even then, were you shouting, not the face, not the face?

Time to be an actor, you see.

He is good looking.

We shouldn't hit him.

Yeah.

I would shout not the face, and they would say, why?

You would shout, the face, the face, the face.

You might rearrange things in a more pleasing manner.

Yeah.

How about you?

I was the, I got my face punched in in Boston once

down the north end, yeah, near what was then the, I guess it might still be the aquarium the aquarium yeah welcome with a friend of mine bunch of kids came over they said give us 50 cents i said i don't feel like it and in the time when i finished saying i don't feel like it ta ta i got hit so hard in the face i think once maybe twice but anyway shattered my nose and was uh went to the emergency room yeah and they had to remold they had to make a nose out of scratch

And that's been my nose.

And my mom, I think it looks the same.

I think it looks fine.

No one's ever said anybody about my nose, but my mom, for years afterwards, would go, Well, they want you rude.

I know.

My mom would go, You used to have a beautiful nose.

Really?

Yes.

And I was like, Mom, it's, I think it looks the same.

I've seen photographs, but she would do that.

Oh, you used to have, oh, you could have been something with that.

And I'm like, well, I think I've done okay.

Oh, but anyway, yeah, that's it.

I think your nose is nice.

I think so too.

How old were you?

I was 18.

18.

Yeah.

So the 50 cents part that was made up?

No, that was real.

Back then, 50 cents was the equivalent of $50 today.

No, it was 50 cents.

I'll never forget that.

Really?

I think he didn't want the 50 cents.

I think he wanted to cave my face.

Hey, give me 50 cents.

Let me ask you.

I was told later that I was, I think I was wearing a.

It's kind of a cool line now that I think about it.

Yeah.

Hey, give me 50 cents.

Give me 50 cents.

Yeah.

That's funny.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's funny.

Anyway, that's my story.

I tricked you into me talking about me.

You asked me.

You rolled the tape back.

It's about the third, fourth time.

Yeah, but but you said, how about you?

That was your deadly error.

That was your mistake.

You're right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

My mistake for pretending to care.

Yeah.

Let me ask you, do you like it when just you and I go out and we involve, we involve the wives sometimes, beautiful Alexis, the beautiful Liza.

We involve them.

But do you like it when it's the four of us?

Or do you really like, oh, it's just me and Conan there.

This is going to get off the hook.

You get more excited when it's just the two of us.

Because I know I do.

I think we all know that you do.

Yeah, you didn't have to say it.

We all knew that.

I think they get more excited when it's just the two of us.

We get to stay home and watch Below Deck.

We have to listen to these idiots.

My wife

told me to give you a message and ask about Liza and her family.

Don't let me forget that.

Okay.

Because I realized we jumped right on the air.

All right.

I will do that.

We will discuss that.

Everything's good.

Everyone's fine.

Okay.

That's nice of you to ask.

She's fantastic.

I love your wife.

She's an amazing person.

She's also,

I just,

I love her art as well.

I've seen her

crafting her.

Did you guys?

It's not when you want to be her.

No.

She has to wake up every day.

I love her.

He's right there.

I love her as well.

I don't know.

I love her.

Am I wrong?

And we love your wife.

And so she makes,

I feel like Liza,

both our wives have in common.

They make us look better.

I think that's fair.

I think Sona put it best in my regard.

She said once about Liza, she's the only part of you I like.

It's my favorite thing about you, for sure.

Yeah, he can't be that bad.

Liza, right?

Yeah, exactly.

Exactly.

Exactly.

Yeah, she's a redeeming quality.

Yes.

It's like you chose a running mate to make you electable.

Hey, she got me Texas.

Yeah, she's your LV.

She got me Louisiana.

Exactly.

Yeah,

that's about right.

She picked up some swing states, and I won.

Yeah, you think I don't sit here with a list of questions.

I usually just let it happen.

And I think that's the charm of this podcast.

Oh, yeah, this is happening.

Well, I think it is.

You know, you keep, you know, and you do this every time.

You question the process, you question my methods, and we always end up with a good pie.

I love it.

You're a chaos agent in the best way.

That's what I I like about it.

It shakes this podcast up.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I appreciate it.

There's good to be here.

Let's get started.

I'm so sure we're out of time.

I just want you to be happy.

That's all I've ever wanted for you.

That's all I've ever wanted for you to be happy.

You know?

Who are your buds?

Who are your pals?

And let's exclude me for a second.

But this is a guy, this Tim Oliphant.

this Tim Oliphant's a guy who's loyal to his old pals.

He's loyal to his old friends.

You have friends from back in the day.

Yeah.

Back in the late 50s when no one lived out in LA.

You wouldn't.

You had your switchblade in your back pocket.

You would drive around in the 50s.

All this morning.

We were getting texts.

What are you doing from the morning?

Oh, this guy also, he loves a jazz fest.

Oh, man.

Does he love to go to New Orleans and see a bunch of jazz and live music?

And he wears a scarf around his head and he dances around.

He's always saying, you'You should come with us.' And I think,'No, I don't want to.

Oh, yeah.' I did mention you would enjoy the.

I don't know, would I?

Yeah, I thought it was gumbo, and I don't know about that.

Good food, good times, good music.

Okay, I didn't go this year.

Pearl Jam was there this year.

I think they headline.

They do jazz now.

JazzFest says, Don't make me explain Jazz Fest.

I was just going to say, I just pictured Eddie Vetter on stage going,

Wow.

Crowd walking out.

I love the way you play to them when you go off on this thing.

I try to crack that.

I just want you to know.

You can't.

I love it.

I can't look at you when I'm doing this shit.

The only reason we're all doing it.

All I see is judgment.

This is my impression of you doing the show.

So you like, do you go to

jazz fest?

I get you the.

I throw my neck out.

Who are your buzz?

He's got bugs.

He's got bugs.

They get cakes and they hang out at the canal.

Well, come on.

Yes.

Come on, get me, get me.

That's what the people like.

Come on, man.

He's going to make quite a Reddit sub stack.

He's doing it again.

Is that a thing?

I don't know.

Substack.

Reddit sub stack?

I don't know.

I don't know this world you guys are in.

I don't know what a sub stack is.

I just know there is a thing.

There is a thing.

Yeah, I don't know what that is, though.

No, you're too cool to know about it.

You've got your slides.

You've got whatever you've been working on lately, paper-mâché volcano, whatever you've been crafting.

You were asking about buds?

Yeah.

Just who are my buds?

Well, you're friends with people from way back in the day.

Friends with a loyal guy.

I'm going to start shouting them out.

So, yeah, since I was like, yeah, my buddy since I was like six.

I'm going to write these names down.

Stoll.

You've met it?

I've met some of them.

Yeah.

Our buddy Stoll, Steve Stoll.

Yeah.

Steve Stoll.

Hey, Steve Stoll.

Exactly.

smithers yep smithers smithers

just texted me this morning yep jb yep got a nice text from him yep uh i did an episode of the show stick yes stick yeah it's really uh and um owen wilson i know my episode aired last night because i got texts from a bunch of buddies that just said nice ass

oh you showed your ass by the way not my ass oh

and oh i'm so excited this came up uh because there's nothing better to me than like when you see the Hollywood Reporter and the story is like not Oliphant's ass in stick.

You realize they have nothing to talk about in the Hollywood Reporter.

Right, right.

And it was a cover.

Do they take like reference photos of your ass and jeans and try to match it with someone's bare ass?

No, this is how it works.

So I got the gig, which is a great gig.

I enjoyed the hell of it.

I'm just preface the story with that.

Owen Wilson.

Can't get enough of Owen Wilson.

So it's always something right before you start a job.

There's always a little drama somewhere.

And this was a small one, but right before, I think I was about to get on the plane, they're like, hey, you have this scene and getting spray tanned.

And they think it'd be funny if you were naked.

Are you okay with that?

Or do, you know, is that a problem?

I asked Alexis, I said, they want me to be naked.

You know, see my ass in this thing.

And then she's like, no,

what's in it for you?

You know what I mean?

Like, she's like, nowadays, if you're naked on TV, you're basically naked on the internet they've kind of ruined it right right and it makes me so mad when now when when actors are naked on like mediocre shows yeah i'm so mad i was naked on alf right

that that was alf

oh

you were body dump you were alf's body

my dick was out

that's what i was getting at yeah yeah yeah for two seasons my dick was out because the puppet got lost the contract was out.

Yeah.

Anyway.

I'm so happy I brought that.

This whole story led to that.

But listen, so

your wife said,

best not to show your ass.

She was just like, what's in it for you?

Everything gets on the internet, and then it's just your ass on the internet.

And also, and this is where she sold me.

She's like, also, you know, you could leave.

You don't have to,

you know, they can shoot that and you've left the set and you just will go out.

And I was like, oh, there you go.

Yeah.

So, I was like, So, yeah, I want to get, you have to get a body double.

Yeah.

Because I was like, Yeah, that

buys me an evening, right?

I leave while they shoot that part.

And then you show up, and uh, the body double's there.

And I was like, Well, he's not in that great a shape.

Like, they should have gotten me like a nicer ass, I felt like, yeah, but it turns out he had a great ass, actually.

It just you couldn't tell, right?

So, it's really great.

I, I, I, I think, uh, and now, in fact, I'm changing my story.

That was my ass.

Now that I think about it.

Is his headshot just his ass?

I wonder.

His naked ass.

But it's also the naked ass as a chef.

The naked ass.

It's that one that's four, you know, four photos.

Yeah.

Nerd, jock, chef, policeman, ass.

See, if I'd done the pre-interview, I would really, really punched that up with Smiley, that story.

It would have been really good.

I thought it was good.

Yeah, we would have.

I missed this okay.

Yeah, I thought it was great.

We would have missed the ass.

Oh, you're the best.

Yeah, right.

I saw you brought it back to Alf.

I heard that.

Fuck you, Brian.

Everyone knows that was really funny.

You got a huge laugh.

You played it to the people, and

it totally sold.

Very big.

I'm counting.

You're very good.

Matt set him up for that.

We got to give credit where credit's due.

That's fine.

I'm used to just being forgotten.

Oh, shit.

Oh, my God.

What is going on with him today?

Oh, no, this has nothing to do with here.

It's just at home.

I got you, Matt.

We're going to do another podcast.

Yeah, you did a.

Wait, can we just shut up?

Yeah.

Okay.

Me and you?

Come on.

All right.

What are we going to do?

I want to do a podcast called Actors on Actors Acting.

Okay.

And we just give notes.

You know what I mean?

We don't really talk about the good stuff.

We talk about the...

We're like, what happened there?

You know what I mean?

We'll pick up those roles.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

We bring out.

Really great people.

We introduce them with lots of like, you were in this.

That was great.

You were in that one.

Loved it.

But this one.

Like when Gary

was in that movie called Tiptoes where he played a little person but he did the dwarf thing gary oldman gary oldman yeah this has it had a what happened there moment yeah this is yeah what happened there yeah was that a like where what were you were you chasing so at what point when you were shooting it did you go uh-oh like this isn't gonna work and how come you didn't go uh-oh sooner exactly and then and then we just talk about that is there an actor who's never had a what happened there moment like a ray fines who's just like always it might be rafe fines what did he

You know, no Avengers.

Avengers.

Not the Marvel Avengers.

He did that.

Oh, that's right with the umbrellas.

Yeah, that's right.

It was Connery and Uma Thurman.

And Jesse Eisenberg.

No, Michael Sarah as Jesse Eisenberg.

That's right.

That one didn't work, right?

He was good.

He's always good.

Yeah.

What about when he did, he was for a while there, he was like romantic leading man, just like for a blip.

He was like, he did a patient.

Was he made in Manhattan with Jennifer Franklin?

Yes, he was.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Ray finds us?

Yes.

Yeah.

Okay.

So I see what you're saying.

I see what you're saying.

What happened?

You acted like it was a question.

Like, huh, did he?

But it was really you saying, oh, he totally missed with Made in Manhattan.

Yeah, I saw what you did.

Oh, oh, because of.

Apologies, Rafe.

By the way, he's so good.

He's very good.

Let's be honest.

What about you?

Have you had a moment where you were?

I love that we say he's so good.

I've seen him not in all.

I just saw him.

I've seen him on stage

twice.

Oh, my God.

Like, oh, oh my god jaw dropping like shakespeare or what i saw him in shakespeare way back when on broadway with a young damian lewis really good yeah he's fantastic i love that guy that guy's a good dude i haven't talked to that guy in a long time but he's a good dude i don't know if i've met

when i'm on the show it occurs to me people might listen people probably listen to it some people if damian lewis is listening to this i want him to know

ad i want i can't speak to numbers but this is a big problem damian lewis probably listens probably listens he's a wonderful damian Lewis number.

Adam knows everyone who listens.

He's a wonderful guy.

He's a good guy.

I loved him.

I loved him as Henry VIII.

He was fantastic.

Oh, yeah.

He's a crazy good actor.

Good dude.

We were in a movie that was really bad.

Which one?

But it was fun.

That could be like, oh, what happened there?

Dreamcatchers?

Yeah, Dreamcatchers.

Wow.

I love Larry Kasman, too.

I can't talk right now.

I'm not a damn man of movies.

I wonder what this is.

But wait, what's Dreamcatcher?

I don't know.

I don't see Adams.

Trust me.

How did you pull Dreamcast?

I've got our ass.

I've got Damian Lewis is in it.

He had a cast member.

Yeah.

He had a cast member.

Okay.

I just love movies.

What can I say?

I don't know.

I just have

a database in here that I'm not proud of.

It was a great.

God, that was a fun set.

A great experience.

Yeah, the movie didn't work.

But Damian, yeah, that's where I met Damian.

You have the memories.

Of memories of making.

So many memories.

So many good ones.

Oh, and you guys were in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood together, too.

Oh, there you go.

He was Steve McQueen, right?

Yes, he was.

He was.

Yes, he was.

He was great as Steve McQueen.

Yeah.

Really good.

And he had a, they had a, one day I'm sure there's going to be a long version of that film.

And if I'm not mistaken, he has a really cool scene

with Leo.

There was talk of maybe there being other projects coming out of the film.

There is a sequel.

That Tarantino wrote in Fincher's Directing about Brad Pitts.

Oh, I didn't know that.

Yeah.

Wow.

Okay.

All right.

All right.

What's happening?

Yep.

Yeah, my question.

What's on?

Yeah.

Are they filming this?

My question is.

I love that they're that camera just,

whatever you can.

I don't know.

We can cut it.

I don't know.

Do you want us to cut it?

I don't know.

I don't.

Let's see.

I'll cut.

I'm hoping a minute.

Oh, gotcha.

That'd be exciting.

I think it'd be good.

That'd be amazing.

You never know.

It only is what it is.

Yeah.

But my understanding is.

You must have.

so that's probably the kind of thing that you've tim that's a big i was i was gonna be

that'd be a big deal that you would probably tell your friends about right

i haven't seen you are you talking

me yes you've seen me you saw me uh like a month ago when we went to the see was that two months ago when did we go to your art installation you know installation yeah you came to the studio yeah and we had a little

ceramics.

We got a bite to get.

It's nice.

That's where the future is, guys.

You're ceramic.

If your kids are listening, don't go into show business.

Go into ceramics.

I bought six pots from you.

Are you telling your friends?

Are you telling your friends?

He's telling Stack.

Are you telling you telling Smithers?

Are you telling

me I wrote them down?

That's the only thing you've written down this morning.

Did you tell Bennett?

Did you tell him?

Bennett.

Okay.

JB.

What's that?

Bennett.

That's a stupid name.

JB.

I like to do this.

It should should be Bennett.

Bennett.

Tell him to change it to Bennett.

Anyway, I think you would have told me that you knew what a huge fan I am of the first film.

You think you would have mentioned that to me?

Yeah.

Oh,

no, no.

I think I just got, it was just a few weeks ago that I wasn't sure when they're.

Yeah, okay.

Well, I mean, I'm still not sure.

We won't dwell on that.

Find out about this and say, you know,

what's he doing talking about?

He's out.

Okay.

It's all good.

We got a lot of things going on.

So we go, yeah.

When does this thing come out?

Oh, no, I'm not going to start talking about other projects.

What am I here to say?

I'm here to sell the alien thing.

No, you're not here to sell it.

You and I have a great conversation, which we're having, by the way, whatever you think.

And then

they say, I got to have more of that.

Tim Oliphant.

What was he talking about at the end?

And then we say, alien Earth.

Oh, the aliens come to Earth.

That's fantastic.

I've got to see that.

I've heard that's really great.

Yeah, they shot it in Thailand.

And Tim Oliphant's in it.

He was so great on the podcast.

I got to see this.

Thailand.

two for two

works every time

you know what's the thing about because you're you you go you're a travel guy you got the travel show that's that's a travel guy yeah I got the travel show what a

so well versed in my work you do the thing with his different places you're the places guy

I'm gonna play to them you're the places guy you go to the places Okay, so here's the thing about the travel.

It's such a fine line between trying to respect the language and the accent.

And then you're like, now you just sound racist.

Yep, exactly.

You know what I mean?

It's like if you just say like, swatikop, or they're like, no, that's not how it goes.

But if you go like, swatikop, you know, they're like, okay, now you're making fun of us.

Right, right.

You know what I mean?

You got to find this little sweet spot.

Yes.

Right?

Exactly.

That's been your experience.

Nope.

Not at all.

I always get it just right.

Very Very culturally sensitive.

But keep doing your version of the wrong one.

Just do it a couple more times.

When you go into a different land with the culture.

Yep.

Did I tell you?

We had been in Thailand for a few weeks.

And

we're using

the translate thing,

the app.

So you say the English, pops back out in Thai, and then you say that.

So we're getting, we got our couple things down, right?

And at least, you know, I feel pretty confident and we're branching out now and we're now at restaurants and I've been I've been asking the waiters at any of the restaurant I've been pointing to the menu and saying, you know, what do you like?

Yeah, right.

What's your favorite, right?

But saying that in Thai and

I'm getting nothing.

They're not giving me, it just seems to be

working, yeah.

So it occurs to me that if you go on the app, if you can say it in English and then it says to you in Thai, that I can flip that.

So I'm like, oh, I say it in Thai and it'll tell me back in English and I'll know now if I'm saying it correctly.

So I start off with the basics just to make sure I'm saying it right.

So I'm, you know, swati crap.

And then it's like, it's saying whatever that was, hello, or right?

And you're saying,

you're saying thank you, goodbye, and hello.

And then I say, and what is your favorite?

And I say that, and it comes back and says,

gaze into my eyes.

And it all starts to make sense.

Yeah.

So, for at least two dinners, you were telling people, clearly, this is the crackle.

It's pretty good, right?

Gaze into my eyes.

Gaze into my eyes?

That's fantastic.

I'm surprised no one just sort of got down and looked right into your face.

I tried it so seriously, too.

Like, I would really be like, just gaze into my eyes.

But they're nice people, you know?

They're very good people.

They were very nice.

And the food's extraordinary.

And you're a foodie as well.

Did I tell you, here's another cultural thing.

Yep.

I'm not letting you in on Brian.

I got stuff to tell you.

Because you think, you think, all right.

There are certain things you think universal.

We're all right.

And I'm with my buddy Jonathan.

Hello to Jonathan out there.

He's American who's been living in Thailand for like 15 years.

And every now and then he gets a hankering for just something very American.

So we went into a subway.

He's like, I'm going to get a meatball sandwich.

And he orders the foot-long meatball sandwich.

And this, God bless him, what a sweet young Thai kid on the other side of the counter.

He gets out the bread and then he gets the little scooper they use.

And it's one meatball, two meatball

in there going up not not the length of the bread

he's building a tower

so he's got a loaf of bread and a tower all tower meatballs

this is when it gets good he then gets the other piece of bread and he puts it on there what and that's when he realizes he's done something wrong

bread touching bread touching bread touching bread because he looked up at us us like he knew something was off, but he wasn't sure what.

And I was like, I give him the little nods.

Tip those meatballs, buddy.

So not everything translates.

That's my point.

I'm going to get you on this project one last time.

Is this Noah Holly who worked on this project?

Yes.

Okay.

I'm asking you this because Fargo is one of my

fanatic for the Cohen Brothers.

And when Fargo came out, it remains remains one of my favorite movies of all time i can quote from that movie i know it frame by frame when i heard that they were going to do a tv show called fargo i said this is going to suck there's no way this can be good because it's someone saying no we're doing a tv show about the godfather one and two i just think that's going to be terrible that can't work don't touch my movie i've been stunned by his work.

I think it's absolutely fantastic.

And so I'm excited for this.

Yeah.

Alien Earth.

And I I know you're excited.

Well, yeah, taking another movie and turning it to TV.

It's in good hands.

It is in good, I do think it's in good hands.

I've seen a couple of them, and it's really special.

It was special reading them.

It was really, it was one of those jobs where it was more fun the more we shot.

You know, I felt more.

When I say fun, like the work, the material, you could just feel.

It was, oh, this is going to be special.

You know, that was kind of a nice, I just had a ball.

I had a ball.

Can't wait.

And, you know, Noah's a really special writer.

So

he's a fun one to work with.

Well, we screw around a lot here, but I will say to you sincerely, which I know you hate,

you're an amazing actor.

I love watching you do your thing.

I'm very fascinated by acting because I am not an actor.

I don't fundamentally understand it.

And I'm always asking you.

Because Tim is really good at analyzing performances and telling me what he thinks.

And I will just ask him about movies.

I'll ask him about actors.

I'll ask him what is it they're doing that's, and you're very good at explaining to me how you, you know, how it translates, what you think is happening there, how it works.

So delighted to see this.

Very happy for you.

And I just want us to go out, just the two of us, no wives, maybe to Thailand.

Maybe to, you know.

He's ruined it.

Thank you.

He ruined it.

I haven't had a chance to circle back.

Just say a sincere thank you before he ruined it.

And now

I kill you, the two of us in Bangkok, just driving around one motorcycle, you know, my arms wrapped around you, behind you.

Gaze into his eyes.

How can I gaze in your eyes if I'm on the motorcycle behind you?

Tim Allfant, go with God because I won't do this anymore.

Okay.

That's it.

I'm ending this.

I'm just going to throw down.

It's got to stop.

Let's stop it.

No.

Let's stop it now.

Let's stop it on my turn.

Is that the thing?

It's a control thing.

Yeah.

I got to end it.

No!

No, please, please come back.

I mean, come on.

This is a value.

Thanks for having me.

You know, I think the relationship I have with my team has been a critical.

part of the phenomenal success of Conor Bryan Needs a Friend.

For sure.

And maybe my late night career.

David, you know, you see me with my team.

I care about my team.

You actually do.

Yeah.

And don't say actually do.

You actually do.

I stand by that.

I show a lot of caring and concern for my people.

Justworks is an easy-to-use, intuitive HR platform that helps small businesses support their people.

And that's what I'm all about.

You love supporting

people.

Yes, they do.

Quiet.

Whether you're hiring, you're fired.

Whether you're hiring,

automating payroll, expanding globally, or handling confusing compliance stuff, JustWorks has you covered.

You can hire and manage international talent without juggling extra platforms, paperwork, or licensing fees.

I hate that stuff.

The licensing fees.

I'm up all night with that stuff.

And your team gets access to premium benefits like health insurance, 401k, and commuter perks.

Plus, with transparent pricing, you'll always know exactly what you're getting and what you're paying for.

Go to justworks.com to learn more.

They do your human resources right so you can do right by your people.

Justworks for your people.

One of the hardest things about B2B marketing is reaching the right audience.

You know what B2B is, don't you?

Business to business.

You bet it is.

It's not some little robot in a Star Wars movie.

LinkedIn has grown to a network of over 1 billion professionals.

And that's where it stands apart.

from the other ad buys.

I say this all the time.

I hope people are listening.

You can target your buyers by job title, industry, company, role, seniority, skills, company revenue, all the professionals you need to reach in one space.

Why be talking to the wrong person?

I know.

What's the point?

That's like going to a delicatessen and asking for, I want a monkey wrench.

Yeah.

You go to a hardware store for that.

I think that's a really good example I just made up.

That's a really good one.

Stop wasting budget on the wrong audience and start targeting the right professionals only on LinkedIn ads.

LinkedIn will even give you an extra $250 credit on your next campaign so you can try it yourself.

Isn't that cool?

Yeah.

I want to try it.

Yeah.

Play around with 250 bucks.

See what you can do.

Just go to linkedin.com slash teamcoco.

That's linkedin.com slash Team Cocoa.

Terms and conditions apply only on LinkedIn ads.

We have a special guest in studio today, David Hopping.

You

very recently acquired a dog.

Yeah, two weeks ago.

Two weeks ago.

And this fellow is in studio

because you have been bringing him in.

I told you you could, and then you took advantage.

Well, he has some separation separation anxiety, and it's nice that he's with us.

Took advantage.

I have separation anxiety from professionalism.

Why don't we?

Oh, my God.

Man, I'm shooting from the hip.

And I don't know if I'm hitting anything, but I love it.

When I draw that fast, it's either going to be very good or like, what the fuck?

Either way, I get the giggles.

Atlas, where are you?

This is Atlas.

This is Atlas.

Can you have Atlas sit up?

Sit?

I mean, we want to, if people are tuning in on video, Atlas is very good looking.

He's a beautiful pup.

And I have to say, you sent me a picture from the shelter, and I thought, you might have made a mistake because it looked like he would.

What?

No, because let me explain.

Because he looked like a massive German shepherd.

Oh, yeah.

And I thought he was three times bigger than this because he photographed like a monster.

And then I meet him.

He's a very gentle fellow and tiny

part.

That's not German Shepherd.

Not that big.

A Belgian Malinois.

But we don't know what else he's mixed with.

What is a Belgian Belgian Malinois?

It's like a police dog.

Oh.

Are you smart?

So watch out.

Why did you say that so sensually?

Because I've never heard of that word.

What is a Belgian malinois?

Because that's the only way you can say Malinois.

Can you tell me this breed, what are their specialties?

What is a Belgian malinois?

Malinois.

Okay.

They're supposed to be really smart, which he is.

They have a lot of energy.

He loves to run around.

He ran around at your house last week.

That's right.

You brought him over.

And

my dogs were not home at the time.

They were vacationing in St.

Bart's.

But

that's the ultimate in the bubble thing.

My dogs are at St.

Bart's.

But

he's very good looking and he's really sweet.

He's the best.

Aren't you?

Yes, you are.

Do you think he's bummed?

He can't be a dog?

Like a cop dog?

Sorry.

I think he's a cop dog.

Do dog shit with the cops?

He doesn't really like going on walks.

He likes to sit in the air conditioning.

So I think he's fine.

I think the dog's fine.

I'm a little worried about Sona.

Yeah, what is your problem?

I don't know.

Because his friends are all like cop dogs.

I'm just wondering if he missed his calling.

No, dogs aren't only friends with other people in their life.

Come on.

All cops are just friends with the cops.

So it's

true.

It's what happens.

They go to the same dog cop bar.

How is your life changing?

Let's talk about that.

Well, I mean, because you're in a relationship.

How's Dustin doing with all this?

Oh, Dustin, he was like so excited to get a dog.

Are you guys both out of the house each day?

Do you cohabitate?

Yes.

Okay, so is the dog home alone a lot?

Not yet.

We're working on it.

We're building.

That's why he's here right now.

Have you tried some of the tricks?

There are things you can do to make a dog feel like it's not alone.

Yeah.

Well, you suggested we get like a heartbeat thing.

Yeah.

So we're trying that out.

There's something that simulates a heartbeat.

I've used it in my marriage.

My wife was like, you're human.

I knew it.

And then the little thing fell out of my t-shirt.

It's like a full stuffed animal, too.

No, that's a little device that goes in the stuffed animal.

Oh, got it.

Yeah, it fits in a little sleeve in the stuffed animal and it gives it a little heartbeat.

And they're for like kittens and puppies.

Atlas might be a little old for that.

Yeah, he does like watching TV.

Like he knows when I say it's Love Island time, he jumps up on the couch.

He's definitely your son.

Oh, Atlas.

He loves this YouTube channel.

Does he actually watch the TV?

Because I have one of my dogs who watches the TV and gets engaged.

Yeah.

Okie loves Isle of Dogs, that Wes Anderson movie.

Yeah, that's a good one for pups.

My dog likes Kirasawa.

Okay.

Yeah.

Fancy the channel.

No, he loves the Criterion channel.

Okay.

Yeah.

That's cool.

Doesn't quite get the seventh seal.

Oh, yeah.

You're calling your dog.

I thought you were.

He's coming to me.

I mean, I think he just likes me and stuff.

Oh, okay.

I forgot.

Those are for Sona to eat.

Yeah.

I was going to say.

I used to give Sona treats.

When she get a task done right.

When she did it right, remember?

Yeah.

But it was alcohol.

Here you go.

Yeah.

So, how is he changing your life?

I mean, you got to get up and walk him in the morning.

Yeah.

It's good.

Dogs.

There's a lot of walking, which is good.

Dogs make you move more than you normally would.

Yeah.

We can't go to Disneyland as much, but it's worth it.

Oh, I'm sorry.

As much, you said, but you still go.

Well, we haven't since we got him.

Can't you dress him as goofy or something and go?

Oh, that's a good idea.

Yeah, you could dress him as a character.

Can't you fake him as a service dog or something?

Yeah, I mean, that just feels wrong.

And also, you just revealed the scam.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Now everyone at Disney is going to know.

Does he like when Andy brings his dog in?

He hasn't met Andy's dog.

Oh, I thought they were both here together too.

Gina's Gina's dog.

Oh, Gina's dog.

Yeah.

Dogs coming by.

Very dog-friendly office.

You should bring Oki.

She should.

You used to.

I know.

I brought my rat in, but E.B.

killed it.

Oh,

she thought it was a random rat.

It had a little bow tail.

Yeah, it was a fish.

She also killed my cockroach I brought in.

Jesus, I can't catch a break around here.

He's really, he's a good-looking fella.

He's the best.

Yeah, he is.

How old is he?

This is the best use of

the best use of the the podcast is to bring in a really cute animal and then talk about how good it looks.

And people are listening in their cars.

Like, what is this?

Well, but he's, I think there's a calming energy.

It humanizes me to have a dog in the room.

No, it just touched my leg.

Get it away from me.

No, it doesn't.

It doesn't humanize you.

Well, something will.

Let's get you that heartbeat thing.

Yeah.

It keeps falling out of my t-shirt.

Yeah.

Well, you should try one of these tricks, David.

I will.

You know?

Sorry.

I I was going to say I love an animal-friendly work environment.

Yeah.

Thanks for doing that.

Well, it was against my will.

Would we ever get a studio cat?

You know, you know, it's interesting.

When we started the late-night show way back in 1993,

somehow,

I forget what happened, but someone maybe found a cat, brought a cat in, and there was a cat that lived in 30 Rock

in our studios for, I want to say, two months while we were putting the show together.

And

then I think, you know, it's NBC, it's 30 Rock.

You can't have a cat there.

Someone, I think, blew the whistle on us.

And so the cat was deported.

Oh, God.

Yeah.

Whoever blew the whistle sucks.

Yeah.

It was me.

Yeah, it sure was.

It sure was.

It was not.

It was not.

I wish I could remember the cat's name.

But that's one of those trivia things that, you know, someone will call in and tell me, you know, Robert Smeigel or Dino Stemmatopoulos, one of those guys that was in the trenches in the early days will remember.

I bet people are just waiting for the answer.

People have pulled their cars over and they're just sitting there waiting.

Well, you're just going to have to wait.

What was the name of that cat?

Well, now I do want to know.

We'll find out.

Okay.

We'll find out.

I'll get it to you.

Eduardo, how are you?

I haven't seen you.

Great.

I mean, you've been sitting there.

Yeah, I've been here the whole time.

I know.

I look right through you.

I just saw a Seattle Mariner's cap floating in the air and no person attached to it.

But now you've faded into view.

Beep beep.

Beep, beep.

Do you have a dog?

I had a dog.

I don't.

I don't remember.

Sorry.

You brought it down to the door.

No,

no, my dog passed away like 10 years ago.

Oh, you're average.

I'm trying to warm my wife up to us having a dog, but she didn't grow up with a dog, so she doesn't know what that

entails.

Would you get a little dog or a big dog?

Whatever she'd be cool with.

This guy knows the idea.

It's us, all dog people, huh?

Just

nobody else has a cat.

I mean, no no one has a cat here.

Well, no, we have cats, too.

We have cats and dogs.

I want to get a parrot on my shoulder.

That's another story.

And wear an eye patch and walk around.

Arr.

Arrrrr.

And have the parrots say, you're lame.

You're lame.

You're lame.

Old bit.

Oh, bit.

Old bit.

Old bit.

Old bit.

Arrrrrrrrr.

Oh, my God.

All right.

Well, we had a good time, I thought.

I thought we really had a good time.

Listen, welcome to Atlas.

Thank you for watching.

Thanks for letting me me bring him in.

Well, you know, for now, it's okay.

Hanging by a thread, that dog.

Hanging by a thread.

He's so happy.

He's a very chill presence.

That's a good idea.

Very chill presence.

Yeah.

Really nice guy.

Our dog, our puppy now, who's about a year, is insane.

He's so good, though.

Yeah.

What's your puppy's name?

Odin.

Oh, you could do all like Norse gods.

That was with the kids.

Yeah.

The kids mandated these Norse names.

They were in a Norse phase.

So,

yeah.

We had a cat named Thor.

I mean, we went through everybody.

Yeah.

Loki, Thor, Odin.

What else is there?

Scarsgaard.

Abba.

Scarsgaard.

Yeah.

Stellan, Skarsgaard.

Come here.

Different Skarsguards.

Scarsguards you haven't heard of.

Alexander Skarsgaard, come here.

Alexander comes running.

Stellan, come here.

Stellan comes.

Stellan?

There's a Skellen Scarsgard.

There's a Stellan.

Stellan, Stellan.

Okay.

And then ones you haven't heard of that decided to go into anesthesiology.

Latika Skasgard!

Crachton!

Crachton Skarsgård!

Umlots flying everywhere, rolling around on the floor like marbles.

Well,

Atlas, here's to you.

Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonom of Session, and Matt Gorley.

Produced by me, Matt Gorley.

Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao.

Theme song by The White Stripes.

Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

Take it away, Jimmy.

Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

Engineering and Mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns.

Additional production support by Mars Melnick.

Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn.

You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.

Got a question for Conan?

Call the Team Cocoa Hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message.

It too could be featured on a future episode.

You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at seriousxm.com slash Conan.

And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

With leading networking and connectivity, advanced cybersecurity, and expert partnership, Comcast Business helps turn today's enterprises into engines of modern business, powering the engine of modern business, powering possibilities, restrictions apply.

All set for your flight?

Yep, I've got everything I need.

IMAS, neck pillow, T-Mobile, headphones.

Wait, T-Mobile?

You bet.

Free in-flight Wi-Fi.

15% off all Hilton brands.

I never go anywhere without T-Mobile.

Same goes from a water bottle, chewing gum, nail clippers, passports.

I'm gonna leave you to it.

Find out how you can experience travel better at tmobile.com/slash travel.

Qualifying plan required.

Wi-Fi were available on select US Airlines.

Deposit and Hilton Honors membership required for 15% discount terms and conditions apply.