David Spade Returns

Speaker 1 This message is brought to you by Apple Card. Get rewarded for your holiday shopping.

Speaker 1 Earn daily cash back on every purchase made with Apple Card, no matter where you shop and no matter who you're shopping for.

Speaker 1 Use your daily cash back on anything from stocking stuffers to a treat for yourself.

Speaker 1 Happy Christmas to me. The choice is yours.
Apply in the wallet app on your iPhone today, subject to credit approval.

Speaker 1 Apple Card issued by Goldman Sachs Bank, USA, Salt Lake City, branch terms, and more at applecard.com.

Speaker 1 Macy's has a new parade this year, a parade of deals.

Speaker 1 So, if you're standing on the street waiting for that parade to go by, because you took this literally, you're going to be wasting your time. Wake up, kids.
It's a parade. Where is it?

Speaker 1 A parade of deals. What?

Speaker 1 Kid crying. Every day from now through November 27th, Macy's is featuring a new must-have deal that will last only one day.

Speaker 1 We're talking about daily deals on things you'll love, like a super cozy UG fluff throw. Hey, try and say that.
Even if you say it slowly, you'll probably mess it up. Ugh fluff throw.

Speaker 1 An upgraded Dyson vacuum. That's nice.
And some of your favorite fragrances, hair products, jewelry, too. Oh, and don't forget, Black Friday deals start November 10th.

Speaker 1 So remember, this isn't a real parade. It's a parade of deals.
I was fooled. Don't bring a balloon and get all excited.
Your daily thrill starts now. Shop now at Macy's.com or in store.

Speaker 2 Hey guys, my name is David Spade, and I feel

Speaker 2 somewhat sick about being

Speaker 1 just more like bad tummy about being Conan's friend. You know, I think I've always had that effect on you.

Speaker 2 No, maybe I'll be, I'll change it to honored.

Speaker 1 Too late. Okay.

Speaker 1 Fall is here, hear the yell. Back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walk in blues, climb the fence, books and pens.

Speaker 1 I can tell that we are gonna be friends.

Speaker 1 Yes, I can tell that we are gonna be friends.

Speaker 3 Okay, hit it. Friendship is a good thing.
Quiet.

Speaker 1 It's a miserable life. It's a miserable life.

Speaker 1 The whole rhythm of friendship is a good thing. Quiet.

Speaker 1 Oh, God.

Speaker 1 It's so insane.

Speaker 1 Okay, here we go.

Speaker 1 Hey there. Welcome to Conor Brian Needs a Friend, joined by Sonoma Mobsian.
Hi. And Matt Gorley.
And I had something kind of sweet and uplifting to talk about. Oh.
My wife noticed this. Suspicious.

Speaker 1 I know. This is, even I'm suspicious.
But, of course, the wildfires occurred. And Sona,

Speaker 1 you lost your home. It was terrible.
Oh my God.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 What's the matter?

Speaker 3 I just went, she gone. She gone.

Speaker 1 Alice, I know. Well, but you're devastating.
You're processing it, but it's devastating. And we've talked about it here.
And

Speaker 1 the fire came right, as I've said to people.

Speaker 1 I was, we were crazily lucky. The fire came to the back of our yard, to the edge of our yard and stopped and burned some stuff on the edge of our property.
So there's,

Speaker 1 and, and, and there was smoke damage, but we were overwhelmingly crazily lucky. And I'm back living in the house now.
Liza noticed that

Speaker 1 we had these fruit trees, this little small area of fruit trees in the backyard. And all of them burned and are like charred and had to be cut down and taken away, except one, the pomegranate tree

Speaker 1 that your parents gifted me

Speaker 1 and Liza back when.

Speaker 3 You guys hosted our engagement party.

Speaker 1 That's right.

Speaker 3 With just 200 of our closest friends and family.

Speaker 1 Yeah. No joke.
Oh my gosh. It was huge.
Yeah. We had a big party in the backyard for your

Speaker 1 intact engagement and a bunch of,

Speaker 1 I mean, obviously your friends and your family came. And I was, I mean, I didn't think I was getting a gift because that wasn't the point of it, but your parents brought

Speaker 1 this pomegranate tree and we planted it along with all the other trees.

Speaker 1 And it kind of doesn't make sense because all the other trees burned and there's not a really good reason why this tree didn't burn. Yes, there is.
Which is, say.

Speaker 3 Well, pomegranates represent prosperity.

Speaker 3 So

Speaker 3 obviously. And it's part of

Speaker 3 the Armenian voodoo that my mom put into the tree. It's protecting, it protected your house.
That's why it's fine. You're welcome.

Speaker 1 Did you have a pomegranate tree in your did your parents give you one for your house? I think I had that question as well.

Speaker 3 I did.

Speaker 1 The tree survived.

Speaker 1 So, wait a minute. Okay.
But wait, did your pomegranate tree survive?

Speaker 3 It did survive.

Speaker 1 It actually saved the house.

Speaker 3 No, no, it didn't survive the house.

Speaker 1 Maybe it just didn't know which house it was supposed to be guarding.

Speaker 3 It did protect the yoga studio that my neighbors built.

Speaker 1 That tree was the close to structure to it.

Speaker 1 You probably faced the tree wrong, and it probably misunderstood, like a well-intentioned dog.

Speaker 1 Don't worry, I saved the yoga studio, you idiot.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 I have to say,

Speaker 1 because I've traveled to Armenia with you,

Speaker 1 pomegranates and the pomegranate tree, it's like it is a very important part of Armenian culture.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it's got a lot of symbolism to it. It's very, it's a very important fruit in our culture.
And I think that, and also, it's not just, it didn't just survive. It's green and lush.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 I mean, ours is in bloom. Yeah.
It's spectacular looking as if nothing happened, surrounded by stumps. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I thought that was very cool.

Speaker 3 You now have to believe in the Armenian. I know we've talked about the witchcraft my mom does and the things that she believes in.

Speaker 1 You have to admit that there's some truth. Something.
I never, I don't think I was a big denier of the power. Yes, you were.
What do you mean?

Speaker 3 When my mom buried a baby doll in the front,

Speaker 1 you just said buried a baby.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but when

Speaker 1 you buried a doll in the front yard, you laughed about it. But wait, what was that for? I can't remember.

Speaker 3 For me to have babies. And guess what?

Speaker 1 It worked. Yeah.
Through science.

Speaker 1 Now,

Speaker 3 sure, my fertility doctors may have had something to do with that.

Speaker 1 You had twins. Did she bury one baby or two babies? She buried one.

Speaker 3 But it's not like.

Speaker 3 Was it a real, realistic plastic baby doll or was it like a Ken doll or was it a no it was like this doll I actually had when I was a kid and it's gender neutral too. It doesn't have any gender

Speaker 1 That's weird. The baby doll didn't have a big swinging dick

Speaker 1 when shopping for baby dolls. I like one with a big cock.
However did she find one like that? Wow, that's a real those are hard to find these days. Yeah

Speaker 1 It's just insane.

Speaker 1 Your logic today, Tona. I don't know.
This stall poops, it wets, it cries, and it becomes massively erect. And it stars in its own Skinamax after dark.
Oh, come on. Well, all I'm saying.

Speaker 1 Yeah, all you're saying. It's got a little weird mustache.
70s mustache.

Speaker 3 No, it's gender neutral. So it didn't look like a girl.
It doesn't look like a boy. She buried it, and then I got pregnant.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 3 With, yes, the help of fertility doctors, but still.

Speaker 1 I am not someone who I say, if it's working for you, go with it. And I don't pretend to know the answers.
I really don't.

Speaker 1 And so I'm, and I was very impressed and I have been very impressed by Armenians and by your country. And I'm just like, you guys have this very strong spirit.

Speaker 1 And I think, yeah, I would give it up for any power that you guys have. And this tree

Speaker 1 surviving, I have to say, it's a powerful thing to see.

Speaker 3 My parents, I sent them a picture of it because Liza sent me a picture of the tree. And it's surrounded by just charred

Speaker 3 stuff.

Speaker 3 And they were really touched and happy that it survived.

Speaker 1 Oh, good.

Speaker 3 They were really, really happy. And my mom was not surprised, by the way.

Speaker 1 She kind of knew it was. I don't mean to ruin the moment.

Speaker 1 I'm just thinking of your mom burying a baby doll with a huge plastic dick.

Speaker 1 And the dick is sticking out of the soil.

Speaker 1 And then it's like. She buried it six feet under, but still.

Speaker 1 The dick is coming up, and then it flowers.

Speaker 1 And a pomegranate comes out the tip of the dick. Oh!

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yes. Yes.
Oh, my God. And your mom just turns to a camera and goes, it's the power of our media.

Speaker 1 Well, anyway, we've ruined another episode of Conan O'Brien. Before it even started.
Needs a friend. All right, my guest today is a hilarious comedian and a very old friend of mine.

Speaker 1 His latest stand-up special, David Spade Dandelion, is available for streaming on Prime Video. I am thrilled he's here today.
I really do love hanging with this guy.

Speaker 1 David Spade, welcome.

Speaker 2 I think you should roll right when people walk in because then you see the real and then when I drop my bullshit act and I start being nice to everyone for the cameras. It's rolling.

Speaker 1 It's rolling now.

Speaker 2 Oh, Oh, it is. Okay.

Speaker 1 No, the whole thing where you said bullshit and we were talking about how you hate Italians.

Speaker 2 Why do you hate Italian? I said it on the stairs.

Speaker 1 It doesn't count.

Speaker 2 We are on our way in.

Speaker 1 Thanks for being here.

Speaker 2 Do you have like a beginning or is this the beginning?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I've seen the show a million times.

Speaker 1 I'm clear.

Speaker 1 I love that when you walked in, they said, you said, which one's Conan?

Speaker 2 No, I know. I knew you were tall.
Oh, this one with the hidden cameras.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we have a little.

Speaker 1 Dana told me all about it. Oh, you got got the backstage dirt.

Speaker 1 Well, I want to mention, first of all,

Speaker 1 you and Dana do a great podcast, Fly on the Wall. Thank you.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 you guys get all the backstage dirt on what's going on at SNL over the years. Plus, you talk to other people as well.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you sort of watered down. We sort of ran through.

Speaker 1 You got through everybody. You know, once you would talk to Jim Brewer six times, you knew it was, you had to move on.

Speaker 2 Gervaise is always like,

Speaker 2 you haven't scratched the surface. Just does another 900 cast.
And I go, yeah, but Bill Squankmeyer from 1988.

Speaker 2 At a certain point, we realized, I guess people do like stars.

Speaker 1 That's the same thing.

Speaker 1 Mark Gervitz, by the way, if you don't know, he's been a manager at Brillstein for, I think, 75 years.

Speaker 2 78, 100 years.

Speaker 1 78, 100 years.

Speaker 1 He used to represent Al Jolson.

Speaker 1 It's a funny reference, Sony. You should look it up.
I know he's old. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Thank you. Hey, Conan likes money.

Speaker 1 I guess you don't like money.

Speaker 2 So he tells me, you want to do a gig in Ottawa tomorrow?

Speaker 1 I go, tomorrow?

Speaker 2 Ah, sorry. I'll call Dana.
He likes money.

Speaker 1 That's what Gervit says to you. So he will give you shit about not taking a gig because he says that Dana will take the gig.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and he just does it to make you feel bad.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Because they sit there in their office with their feet up and they get 10% of whatever.

Speaker 2 So it's better if you just say yes and they hang up the phone and go, oh, he's on three flights to Ottawa and I make money. So it's better if you say yes.

Speaker 1 Oh, they like a yes. They like a yes.
And they don't care what you go through.

Speaker 2 Not at all.

Speaker 1 Pretty good gig it's in Anchorage. I like Anchorage.
Somebody hates Alaska.

Speaker 1 I don't hate a lot.

Speaker 1 I think it's far.

Speaker 1 Okay, I'll break it to Alaska.

Speaker 1 They're your fans.

Speaker 1 This is what it's like,

Speaker 1 you know, having a manager. Yeah.
You know, there, it's.

Speaker 2 But I have to say, I've had the same guy since day one, you know, when I got out here. I will tell you a quick story that do we have an hour?

Speaker 1 This is six hours. Okay, this will fit in perfectly, this one story.

Speaker 2 It's exactly 58 minutes.

Speaker 1 It's about how you grew up until this moment.

Speaker 2 No, this is a good manager story. So, and I know then we'll get into some of that.

Speaker 1 And I will quickly say, Mark Gervitz, I've known him for a long time, and he's a mensch. He's a good fella.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I think I've only told this story on 17 podcasts.

Speaker 1 That's okay. Have you ever had people say this? No one listens to this.

Speaker 2 I haven't told this anywhere. And they ramp it up.

Speaker 2 Like, I go, I don't want to see this clip because i know it's all set up like like i want you to make it a clip like i shouldn't tell this this is but i'll tell this because um it's boring it'll fit right in so i here's spadey this is before you knew me um before we fell in love yeah this is probably i'm 22 moved out here doing stand-up from arizona

Speaker 2 got my first movie got six thousand dollars i cleared six thousand bought a car looked for two weeks going and i didn't just grab the first one, like first Camaro, what you would think, hot rod.

Speaker 2 I get in Honda Court. I take the hit.
I go, I just got to get one. It starts every day.
Buy it, cash, drive it to the improv, come out to show my friend. Stolen.

Speaker 1 So don't worry.

Speaker 2 Not even an hour.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 2 And then it's so embarrassing. I'm like, here it is.
And I'm showing, I'm a little buzzed. I went in and did a shot and I kind of go, Maybe it's on Kilkia.
Hold on.

Speaker 1 And then we're walking and I go, would it be on Beverly?

Speaker 2 Wait, let me check the 405 because I just couldn't believe, like, where is my car? Where did I park it?

Speaker 1 You can't believe someone took it.

Speaker 2 I could, that didn't even cross my mind. I go, I just don't remember where I parked it.

Speaker 2 And then the cops go, oh, they probably sold it to you, kept a key, followed you, and took it. And I go, so now what do you do? Spring into action?

Speaker 1 He goes, you'd think.

Speaker 1 One would think.

Speaker 1 I like these cops already. One would think.

Speaker 2 He goes, I'm already forgetting about this as I walk back to my car, but I'll say we're on the case. Anyway, nothing happens.
So now I'm back to zero. I have to borrow money and stuff.

Speaker 2 Anyway, so I, I, I, this is a police academy movie. This is how it started.
So I got that movie, cleared that. And when I was there, I was so new, didn't know how to act.

Speaker 2 I wasn't the fine actor I am today.

Speaker 1 You become quite the fast people.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 So I, I was there and uh, this Bobcat Goldthwaite, who was helping me out, was like, hey, this director of mine is here and he's doing a new show on Fox, which just started. This is how old I am.

Speaker 2 And I said, okay,

Speaker 2 that's what I always wanted like a sitcom or something. He's like, it's a single camera where you're like a high school like FBI.

Speaker 1 I was like, oh, how fun, you know? So I said, how cool.

Speaker 2 So Fox New Network, I don't give a fuck.

Speaker 1 So great.

Speaker 2 So he goes, hey, do you mind reading this script? Right. So he has sides.
This is in Toronto during Police Cabby. Did you fucking glue this on to make me look stupid?

Speaker 1 Glue it on.

Speaker 2 Dacoupash.

Speaker 1 So anyway, I go, okay.

Speaker 2 So I just read this. So I just literally read it to him.
And he's like, great.

Speaker 1 Well, okay, you're not quite there. We'll work with it.

Speaker 2 I literally knew nothing about acting. Just read it to him like a story.
And he goes, all right, but you got a little heat on you. This is what I didn't know.

Speaker 2 I had done stand-up at the improv for about six months, some casting. I got this job as a skateboarder in this movie.

Speaker 2 And so now I get back and I've got those heat on me, which I don't even know what that means. Just like, oh, they're talking about you.
So I got a manager. My agent moved to ICM.

Speaker 2 So now I'm at ICM, which is too big for me. I get home and they go,

Speaker 2 hey, this guy offered you that part, the lead in that show.

Speaker 1 And I was like, wait, my own show?

Speaker 2 I said, oh my God, this is like a crazy.

Speaker 2 And they go, okay. So they have a big meeting at ICM.
I think Gervas is there. And they go, here's why we're going to turn that down.
You've got too much heat on you. That's a new network.

Speaker 2 We want you at NBC. They're doing Cosby show.

Speaker 2 And we're going to have a meeting with Brandon Tarter Sauce or whatever his name is. And you're going to.

Speaker 2 You're going to get a job there.

Speaker 2 He's heard about you. He's excited.
He saw you stand up.

Speaker 1 I go, oh, I don't know.

Speaker 2 Wouldn't it be better to the one I have that's a thousand fucking percent on offer? No, no, no. And maybe like 20 grand a week, whatever, some magnanimous number.

Speaker 2 So I said, oh, so we're all agreed, all 12 agents, but I don't do this.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 2 So then I meet Tartakoff. They have me read something, right? So I'm, now I'm a free agent.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 My fucking casting director goes, oh, you're about to go in. I think we're doing these sides now.
I should never have taken them. I took them.
I go, okay.

Speaker 2 I had been coached on a little scene he wanted me to read. Now I walk in, I do the police academy read again.

Speaker 1 Blah, blah, blah, read it.

Speaker 2 I leave. Gervitz goes, all the people that just got a development deal at NBC take one step forward.
Not so fast, Spade.

Speaker 1 I go, what do you mean?

Speaker 2 He goes, you were too green. They saw you read.
You're not ready, but they like you and they're going to keep an eye on you. And I go, So now what?

Speaker 2 And he goes, now we hit the pavement, start auditioning. So I auditioned for 30 pilots that year and got none, not even one callback.
I didn't know what I was doing. Right.

Speaker 2 And then he goes, you know what? Fuck ICM. Let's leave them.
Let's go to, there's a smaller agency, Abrams, which is medium, right? They're good. This guy loves you.
And I was spinning out.

Speaker 2 I could not believe what was going on. I'm like, lost everything, lost my heat.
They all ain't going bad. And I got into classes to act.
And then I was with this agency.

Speaker 2 And I swear to you, about three years ago, we're at dinner in Gerwitzko's. And then ICM fucked him over and dropped him.
And I go, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 I left ICM.

Speaker 2 Remember? He goes, oh, is that what I told you?

Speaker 1 And I go,

Speaker 1 no. What do you mean?

Speaker 2 Did they drop me? He goes, oh, yeah. I go, they dropped me.
They're the ones that fucked me over. And he goes, I know.
I couldn't tell you that, though, because just a tough biz.

Speaker 2 They said, we don't need him anymore. He didn't, it didn't click.
And I was like, Jesus. I said, he goes, you wouldn't have been able to handle that.
I said, I would not have.

Speaker 2 There's no way I couldn't handle that. Just mentally, like, the rejection was so piled on by that point, I couldn't deal with it.
So then I went and scraped my way over to, you know, SNL or whatever.

Speaker 1 Well, I mentioned this the last time you were on. I was present when you auditioned.
I went with, and this was not common, but I went. I don't remember this, actually.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I went with, it was not common, but Lorne, there was a showcase. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I can never say who was there. I can't remember.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Lorne. I remembered, I didn't go to a lot of these, but Lorne wanted me there for some.
I was a writer at SNL, young whippersnapper.

Speaker 1 Hungry. Hungry.
I go with Lorne and Schneider, I think was the same night.

Speaker 1 And the other guy was

Speaker 1 Tom Kenny, the voice of,

Speaker 1 this is before he was the voice of

Speaker 1 Spongebob.

Speaker 1 And so,

Speaker 1 and watched you guys, and I remembered you were doing okay. And then at the end, you did your Michael J.
Fox impression and get killed.

Speaker 1 And I remembered Lorne, us driving away, and Lorne being like, you know, I liked the Michael J. Fox guy.
And

Speaker 1 then he liked Schneider. And so he brought you two in at the same time.

Speaker 1 And then I remembered getting to know you really when it was those Tuesday nights when we would stay up all night and write and you and Chris Rock and Schneider would be kind of wandering around to see who had what ideas.

Speaker 1 Do you know what I mean? And you'd come in, you'd go like, hey, fellas, anybody got any, hey, buddy, got any ideas?

Speaker 2 Couldn't help me out.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 it's funny because I know you're special, your stand-up special is Dandelion, and you have an explanation for why it's Dandelion, which is a little bit about your character. Fragile.

Speaker 1 Fragile on the inside. But I always found you, my read on you was always, this is a guy with you.
You always had that kind of tough, not tough, but I would say sarcastic, dismissive, super sharp.

Speaker 1 Shell. Shell.
But I could always tell you were a very sweet guy underneath.

Speaker 2 I would say, yeah, I would say thank you, you and i kind of agree that it was so tough there scary and it was tough it's the same reason i was sarcastic in high school like i wasn't as scared of getting beat up at s nl but in high school and grade school it was i was in some bad places that i didn't like and so it was sort of my thing being a bit of a pip squeak so uh getting to snl was the same thing i'm just in over my head clearly and just trying to take it all in and going to doors going, I don't know what to do like here, you know, and like everyone, it just takes takes so long to

Speaker 2 seep in and then figure out how write on that legal pad and all that shit.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I'm not high-tech legal pad stuff.

Speaker 2 It's a pad and a pen and you just go, go. And then the door closes and I go, go do what? I write a sketch, Toonses.
I don't know. I don't write my own sketch.
Do I write theirs?

Speaker 2 Who's the host? Do I get to meet a celebrity?

Speaker 1 The thing, I'm sure you guys have covered this on your podcast, but the thing about SNL that no one understands, how, and this is true of a lot of show business, how little supervision there is. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, you get to SNL and you think someone's going to tell you, okay, here's how it works. No one tells you anything.

Speaker 2 They're almost mad you're there.

Speaker 1 Yeah, oh, they are mad you're there. Lauren's

Speaker 1 standard line when you'd encounter him in the hall was still with the show,

Speaker 1 still with the show. And you'd think,

Speaker 1 I think I am.

Speaker 1 Uncrustables are the best part of the sandwich. I mean, we've been thinking that.
Why does he say it, right, Sona?

Speaker 3 Yeah, like, who needs a crust?

Speaker 1 You've been saying that since the day I met you 15 years ago, Sona. You said, who needs the crust? And I said, first of all, my name's Conan.
You know,

Speaker 1 anyway, it's the perfect grab and go for all of life's moments with unbeatable soft bread and a variety of flavors like, well, peanut butter and grape jelly, peanut butter and strawberry jam.

Speaker 1 Hello, peanut butter and raspberry spread and so much more. No mess, no prep, just thaw and eat.

Speaker 1 Yep, get them in the freezer aisle today.

Speaker 1 The LL Bean flannel has been part of the holiday for over a century. Cozy, reliable, and made to last.

Speaker 1 It's the shirt you wear when you pick out your tree and when you're home relaxing with a warm cup of cocoa.

Speaker 1 And it's the one you wore in the family photo where somehow everyone's matching without even trying.

Speaker 1 These shirts, these flannels from LL Bean have been around for a long time. Yeah, they have.
They've been around from the olden days. I'm going to go churn some butter, but first, my LL Bean flannel.

Speaker 1 Oh no, President McKinley has been wounded.

Speaker 1 Anyway, these have been around a long time. They're great for the holidays.
You got to get them. Go check out LL Bean Flannel.
Invited to the holidays since 1912.

Speaker 1 The best B2B marketing gets wasted on the wrong people. Man, this tears me up.
So when you want to reach the right professionals, use LinkedIn ads.

Speaker 1 LinkedIn has grown to a network of over 1 billion professionals, including 130 million decision makers. Hmm, I wonder if I'm one of those.

Speaker 1 That's why LinkedIn has the biggest B2B ROAS of all online ad networks. Spend $250 on your first campaign on LinkedIn ads and get a free $250 credit for the next one.
Pretty good deal.

Speaker 1 Just go to linkedin.com slash Conan. That's LinkedIn.com slash Conan.
Terms and conditions apply.

Speaker 2 I told Lauren when we talked to him on the show,

Speaker 2 because, you know, it's a little easier to talk to Lauren now when all the stress is gone. He's fun to talk to because every year he would talk to the managers or whatever and go,

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 can you just say he's coming back so he can keep his apartment?

Speaker 2 We're not there yet. So I would, for six years, I lived.

Speaker 1 Lauren was the one that stole your car, by the way. Was it?

Speaker 1 Oh, it's a Honda court. I love those.

Speaker 1 Someone give me a ruler. I'll jimmy it open.
Take that, prick.

Speaker 1 I know how to hotwire it. I learned it in Toronto at university.

Speaker 2 Things just got worse for you.

Speaker 1 I love that that was revealed later on, too. Mr.
Honda. Lauren! Lauren!

Speaker 1 You hold me back. I thought Gervitz told you.

Speaker 2 I put the drop on you at ICM.

Speaker 2 So anyway,

Speaker 2 I says, I say, I says.

Speaker 1 I forgot you were an old sailor.

Speaker 2 I says, I says, I says. Remember that Farley bit?

Speaker 2 I says to him, I says, right to his face, I says, I says. I says, I says, I says.
And I'm like, I go, afterwards at Reethr, I go, you're not really going to do this on update.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Oh, yeah, I am.

Speaker 2 I go, is that enough to kill with one three words? No.

Speaker 2 watch. And I did, and he did.

Speaker 2 But anyway, I tell Lauren every year he doesn't bring me back. And every year I have to get ready.
I drag my mattress down. I have to sell it.
I fucking get out of my apartment.

Speaker 2 Then about a month later, can't get a hold of him. He's an amaganza, no phones.
I mean, it's always the funniest. I can't get a hold of him.
Then he finally goes, he says yes.

Speaker 2 So I go back, get an apartment, stressed out of my fucking gourd. And then when we had him on the show, he goes, you were never in any danger of getting fired.

Speaker 1 Lauren,

Speaker 2 look at me. There was some danger because maybe in your head, because it all it did work out, but it took a while.
You were there.

Speaker 2 It took a while for me to get any, you know, you get a few snarky lines here and there, but I was not that valuable. I remember one time Schmeigel said, Schmeigel, Smeigel.

Speaker 1 Schmeigel is from Lord of the Rings, and he's the lowliest creature. Yes.

Speaker 1 And then, and then there's Robert Smigls,

Speaker 1 who's also in

Speaker 1 the future.

Speaker 2 And so Schmeigel says, because Schneider was acting up for something, and Rob and I have talked about this forever, but we were all handling it differently. And he goes,

Speaker 2 he goes, Schneider's tough, but he is valuable, worth having around. And I was like, I want to be valuable.
That's what it hit me. I was like, oh, you want someone to say in a position like

Speaker 2 Smigo was like, we need you around.

Speaker 1 Because he can go to Lauren, Rob, and he'll go, yeah, he's worth it.

Speaker 2 Because Rob is a funny writer, you know.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And he had a kind of a gruff, abrasive personality back then, if that's fair. But

Speaker 2 I was the nice guy finishing last guy. And Rob was like, hey, I'm going to get in there.
But it was working.

Speaker 1 You know, everyone stuff gets rewritten over time, and everybody.

Speaker 1 And there's how you experience it. And this is actually kind of a big, a recurring theme on the podcast that fascinates me.

Speaker 1 So I revisit it a lot, which is I talk to these very famous people who've had incredible success, like yourself. And then

Speaker 1 their take on it is

Speaker 1 harrowing. I felt like I wasn't going to make it.
It was scary.

Speaker 1 It was touch and go. I squeaked by.
And then in the end, things kind of worked out. But that is not how anybody else sees it.

Speaker 1 They just see you as being someone who is like, okay, big star on SNL and then in movies and then

Speaker 1 many

Speaker 1 TVs, sitcom, you're just like a staple. Yeah.
But that is not how

Speaker 1 it feels feels to you. I think,

Speaker 2 in fairness, I'm pretty objective about it. I mean, most of things I say are lies, but when I look back, it was pretty,

Speaker 2 it was hard for me to get a foothold. I mean, obviously, Sandler caught fire pretty quick, and he's got so many moves, all these characters.

Speaker 2 Spoon Man, everything was happening so fast. I was like, holy shit, he really came in loaded.

Speaker 2 Dana obviously is so good on the show and Farley right from the get-go. So I just didn't have that.
I was sort of just a comedian that could write some funny stuff, but took a while.

Speaker 2 By the end, I do like I'm lumped in with Farley, Sandler, Rock. I mean, that's just kind of how it is.
Yeah. And I love it.

Speaker 2 So when I was just on a show, Rich Eisen, this morning, I mentioned you because I was saying that that chunk when I got there of talent around, which made me better, was running with people better than you.

Speaker 2 And I said Conan and Smeigel and I think Greg Daniels and

Speaker 2 all these writers and Downey.

Speaker 2 And, you know I could go on and on Frank and then you got Neil and all the cast and Mike Myers and our new guys coming in with me and Adam and Chris and Chris Frock and Meadows and shit so that was just a big chunk of people that you could look to anyone and go oh I can learn something from this guy I can learn how to write or I can learn how to perform or look at the table read it took a while to seep in and then I got better at it but man

Speaker 2 Every I could have gotten if I left any year I told Gervins I want to leave once he goes then what I mean where do you go you left SNL and it didn't work. Now that's a hard place to be in Hollywood.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And so he said, just stick.
Even when I wanted to quit to do movies, he's like, you're getting movies only because you're on SNL. Do you understand? I go, well, I don't have any time to do them.

Speaker 2 Maybe one in the summer. He's like, but if you leave,

Speaker 2 it's hard to explain, but it's true.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You know, how did you, I'm curious because I remember I was at your audition and I also

Speaker 1 clearly remember it's burned into my brain going into Lauren's outer office on the ninth floor,

Speaker 1 which is one floor above 8H, his little office that looks out over the studio.

Speaker 1 And there was a.

Speaker 2 He watches the cows graze.

Speaker 1 It really is rehearsal.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 that's like the office that he moves to later in the week. That's not the office high up in the tower.

Speaker 1 And so when everything shifts to the stage for the second half of the week,

Speaker 1 Lauren's there. And I remembered there would always be people waiting outside to meet with Lauren, and Lauren would keep them forever.

Speaker 1 And I have a very clear memory of this kind of stout, boyish-looking, toussil-haired guy sitting out on this couch waiting to talk to Lorne for like more than a day.

Speaker 1 And I went up and chatted with him because he was Odenkirk's friend and it was Chris Farley. Oh, and then, and he was sitting there and he was super eager and he was laughing real hard.

Speaker 1 And I would, and so I took him on a tour of the stage and was doing that shtick I used to do where I would, if someone was already hanging a lamp, I'd be like, and hang that lamp.

Speaker 1 And you over there, Joe, I was saying all their names wrong. And if the guy was on a crane, use the crane.
That's the way. And Farley was following me around giggling.

Speaker 1 And he was, and I just said, I love this. He had the energy of a puppy when you first go get the puppy.
Just so much fun.

Speaker 1 And then you guys found,

Speaker 1 was it the two of you that realized we have this thing or did someone else see it and go, wait a minute, you've got this energy of Spade and you've got this energy of Farley.

Speaker 1 It's peanut butter and jelly. Let's put them together.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it was probably, it was either Lauren or the Turners because

Speaker 1 Bonnie writer

Speaker 2 writer, I forgot to say those two.

Speaker 2 But, you know, Lauren's like, maybe something about how they are at the office. I think that's how it all started.
Like, I make fun of Chris. He laughs, tells me to make fun of him again.
he laughs.

Speaker 2 Just we walk around, we go to Musso and Franks or whatever. Not Musso and Franks, Wally

Speaker 2 and Joseph's, wasn't it?

Speaker 1 Yeah, in New York.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and Huxley's and all the places that have been condemned now.

Speaker 1 In furnace, they were condemned then.

Speaker 1 You just still hate them still.

Speaker 2 Yeah, anyway, so then that got the Billy the Third got written up, that one with

Speaker 2 the Turners wrote that first draft, and then I think turned it over to Fred Wolf, turned into Tommy Boy. But that was also because Billy was Billy Madison that summer.

Speaker 1 That's funny. I'm curious about something.
Tommy Boy comes out and not thought of as a success initially,

Speaker 1 but then very quickly afterwards, you find out that it's huge. Is that correct?

Speaker 2 I think it opened number one, but not crazy through the roof.

Speaker 2 And then after time,

Speaker 2 it was looked upon more fondly over time. But I mean, like the the video,

Speaker 1 the video sales were insane. I think it went to 100 million.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they said that Paramount goes, this video, they ordered Black Sheep after Tommy Boy for the following summer. They're like, start now.
We got to do another one.

Speaker 2 Maybe while we were before it came out, because we shot it the next summer. So if I could still be doing those, that was the funnest, you know.

Speaker 1 I leave SNL, go to The Simpsons. I come back, and Chris

Speaker 1 would.

Speaker 1 You just signed that?

Speaker 2 That's Chris Simpsons. That's worth less.

Speaker 2 I'm just trying to remember how I know you.

Speaker 2 The more you tell me, are more clues.

Speaker 1 Worthless.

Speaker 1 I come back to do the late night show, and you guys were all so generous and nice. I mean, I'm the new late night host.
I'm down on six, and I know all you guys.

Speaker 1 And so you're all coming down doing bits. Chris would come down and do bits, which I look at now and they just

Speaker 1 fill me with joy. They also make me sad because he's the one where he runs in on Letterman.

Speaker 2 I see a lot on Instagram. Yeah, he runs down and grabs a guy and he throws him in the garbage can.

Speaker 1 Yes, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Unreal. That was one of the best pieces of television I've ever seen.

Speaker 1 Fantastic.

Speaker 2 Funny, probably not super thought out. He's wearing a thick suit.
The funny thing is, he would wear like a t-shirt, then a shirt, then a button down, then a tie, then an overcoat, then a cashmere.

Speaker 2 I'm like, God damn, dude, how do you move? I, because my neck is fucked up. I can't wear more than two layers.

Speaker 1 He has layer. I like to feel tight and hugged.
I'm like, god damn.

Speaker 2 But, and then he's running and he's sweating. I'm like, he's like, why am I sweating? I'm like, you have 14 layers on.

Speaker 1 That's the other thing, funny thing, too, is that he got tagged as the funny fat guy,

Speaker 1 but he was incredibly athletic. and strong.
Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I didn't. Agile.
Yeah. And he could do all these amazing things with his body.
And I think in the same way, his hero Belushi,

Speaker 1 because he was, you know, paired with like a bean pole Acheroid at the time or whatever,

Speaker 1 he could, you could think of him as the heavy guy of the duo.

Speaker 1 But I remembered him being just such an incredibly physical comedian.

Speaker 2 I think it's an extra move that is surprising to people, but it's one more funny thing about him. Like he can do those pirouettes.
We did that skating sketch, remember? Yep.

Speaker 2 Bump up the jam, they will. And it was like Phil was Vern Lindquist or something, and I was Scott Hamilton, and it was Nancy Kerrigan Show and Farley and Nancy Kerrigan, and he kept falling.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's going to hurt him.

Speaker 1 He kept falling over and over, and he got down to like zero points.

Speaker 2 But he was a really good skater, too. And so it was funny that he could skate well.
And you go, oh, that's a surprising move.

Speaker 2 And then when he does any sort of like ballet, he can do these weird moves.

Speaker 1 All adds to the funny. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, he is missed must be i mean i know that you had an incredibly uh close relationship with him i miss him and uh knew him as like a friend and a guy that i would do things with from time to time but clearly it was uh

Speaker 2 must uh i hope time has made that i'm sure an easier thing to handle yeah i mean we were all pretty close with him and so any any of that stuff i remember uh one time he goes i don't want to be known as the funny fat guy.

Speaker 2 I go, would you take the fat funny guy?

Speaker 1 And he said, it's a little better. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But I remember seeing you at another, there's another sad Norms memorial. Yeah.
Where

Speaker 2 something did happen funny. Not the dying part, but there was other stuff that was going on.

Speaker 1 Right. Right.
By the way, it was like Broad Steve Netflix.

Speaker 2 It was something because I remember going to the talk and there was like a crane shot or something. I'm starting to cry and they're like, push in.

Speaker 1 I'm like,

Speaker 2 camera dolly coming out.

Speaker 1 What was that? I spoke. I don't know if I was MCing it or you can't MC,

Speaker 2 but it always just turns into that. Let's be honest.
No, no, no.

Speaker 1 It's true. It turns into

Speaker 1 doing well. I spoke about him up front and talked about him and then brought other people up on stage.

Speaker 2 The two things that I remember are Lori Joe is sort of running it or whatever. And I said, Lori Joe, she goes, can you speak? And I said, I'm not good at that.

Speaker 2 I said, I would do it if I just do it right away away up front because I don't want to sit there and rot while thinking of, oh, and I was. So she goes, okay.

Speaker 2 It was like Downey went up, standing ovation. I'm going to bring Conan up, standing ovation.
Laurie Joe goes, then I think you bring her up. She gets a standing ovation.

Speaker 2 And then we finally get back to you and you finally go. All right, we're going to bring up some friends, David's fate.

Speaker 2 And so I walked up and I go, well, I guess the standing ovation portion is over because I was the first one. First killed, by the way.
Yeah, that was a good one.

Speaker 1 I should have gotten off.

Speaker 2 Honestly, that was the fucking funniest thing that happened. And then, but when I walked up, I fell on those fucking stairs.
Oh. And you caught me, I think.
And you grabbed me.

Speaker 2 And I think you fell too.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'll tell you, I know exactly what happened.

Speaker 1 We're at this goofy, I don't know what venue we were at, where we were, but

Speaker 1 you went up. You tripped on the stairs.
I think I did catch you. You don't weigh a lot, so that was easy.
It was like catching a packing peanut. 94.

Speaker 1 90. Yeah, I don't know.

Speaker 1 That's generous, 94.

Speaker 1 You fell and you started to float and I grabbed you. You're like a balloon.
Yeah. But then I thought, what's wrong with Spade? Why do you trip on that step?

Speaker 1 So then cut to me.

Speaker 1 What's wrong with fucking Spade? He can't walk upstairs.

Speaker 1 So then

Speaker 1 you do your thing. I go up to then take the stage again to bring up the next person.

Speaker 1 My foot catches on something on the step and I trip and I turned it into like a roll and stood up again and people thought, oh, Conan's doing like physical shit.

Speaker 1 But then I walked off stage and I said to the guy, that step, Spades tripped on it and I tripped on it. And the guy went, yeah, that happens a lot.

Speaker 2 We should fix that someday.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he knew. He said we should fix that someday.
And I'm like, yeah, what happens when dame Judy Dench is killed? I mean, the two of us can take a fall. You know, what happens when it's the...

Speaker 2 It was pretty funny to me that he kept going, like, it felt like most people trip.

Speaker 1 And I'm I'm like, Well, this isn't an anomaly.

Speaker 2 Like, with me, I look over and thought he'd be like this. He was like,

Speaker 1 Like, yep, another one, another one, yeah. And then he said, like, I went into it with him a little bit.
I went, What do you mean? He was like, Well, you know, it's higher than the other steps.

Speaker 1 Like, each other step is exactly four inches like this, yeah. And then there's one that's like five, and he said, and it's also uneven and it's coming off.

Speaker 1 Like, fix it, and there's also an earthquake. That's not my union, you

Speaker 2 I mean, I don't know how many of these funerals you host, but

Speaker 1 you did a good job. I have, you know, it's weird.
I became the funeral guy because I've done a bunch. Oh, boy.
And

Speaker 1 I really fret over them and worry about them because

Speaker 1 it's not just a regular thing. You're really trying to think of who was this person.
And now they're starting to rack up where it's like,

Speaker 1 I've done a bunch. Too many.

Speaker 2 It's hard. You're good at that stuff.
You're doing the popes?

Speaker 1 I'm doing the popes.

Speaker 2 Is the Popes going to be in LA?

Speaker 2 Can you get me in? Because my friends always want to get tickets to shit.

Speaker 1 Can you get me in?

Speaker 1 I just have to tell this one story, which is, I have to tell this because it's a Lauren story.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 after 9-11, you know, there was like months and months and months of cleanup, and it was an area that you couldn't go to, but sometimes people went down there.

Speaker 1 And Mike Sweeney ran into Lauren somewhere, and Lauren knew that Mike Sweeney was my head writer. And they're chatting for a little bit.
And then

Speaker 1 Lauren, to be magnanimous, said, have you been down to Ground Zero?

Speaker 1 And Mike Sweeney went, no, I haven't. He went, would you like to? And suddenly,

Speaker 1 Sweeney pictured a velvet rope.

Speaker 1 And you are a Sweeney, but yes, yes, right this way.

Speaker 1 And there's the big pit.

Speaker 2 We called ahead.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'll have the veal and I'd like to be near that part of.

Speaker 2 What I kept saying, which was never working, was I might head down to Ground Zilch.

Speaker 1 And everyone's like, where are you touch on?

Speaker 2 Ground Zip. And And they're like, you're talking about the 9-11 where people died? I go, no, no, I'm talking about something else.

Speaker 2 But that was tragic. But yeah, I went down there like a week later because there was a 9-11 benefit where we all flew in and there was a concert.

Speaker 2 I think Adam went on, everyone went on. And they took us down.
There was one of the perks.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. It is.

Speaker 1 It was a weird time. It was so weird.
It was such a crazy thing.

Speaker 2 It was like a humble brag. I went down.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Do you get close? Yeah.
I got a little souvenir. But 9-11, yeah, I know you think it's funny.
It's not funny.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 my friends,

Speaker 2 it's noted that you laugh.

Speaker 1 My friends. Sona, can I? Sona, what the fuck is wrong with you? That is so funny.
You're a monster. I'm crying.

Speaker 1 We're doing a thing about how it's not funny. Yes.
And then you start laughing.

Speaker 1 It's awful. No, it is awful.
It's awful. You're young and stuff, but we lived there.

Speaker 3 He said ground zilch.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that was funny.

Speaker 3 So let's not forget. He said ground zilch.

Speaker 1 No, never mind. Let's not forget.
Lever means 9-11. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 David Spade called it Ground Zilch. Never forget.
Let's never forget.

Speaker 3 Never forget.

Speaker 1 The terrible day? No, that Spade called it Ground Zilch.

Speaker 1 You're a monster.

Speaker 1 Let me ask you about Norm.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 1 You did stuff on, you were on the road with Norm, and a lot of us when Norm passed were.

Speaker 1 shocked.

Speaker 1 And I kept thinking, oh, I must have been the only person that didn't know.

Speaker 1 And people all thought, well, Conan, you knew Norm and he does his classic appearances on your show.

Speaker 1 And I was like, I know. We were desperately trying to get him back.
I desperately wanted Norm on my last episode. We were trying to get him and

Speaker 1 not getting an answer back. And I thought, well, he just doesn't want to come.
And I was bummed about it, but thought he's probably got other things to do. That's too bad.

Speaker 1 He's an all-time great guest. And then he dies.

Speaker 1 And And I just thought, well, I didn't know, but everyone else must have known. And then Jim Downey called me and said, you know, more or less, Conan, fuck you for not telling me about Norman.

Speaker 1 I said, Jim, I didn't know. And he, and, and Jim Downey said, I would think Downey might know.
No, Jim didn't know. Did you know? I did not know.
And I, and you were touring with him.

Speaker 2 Well, I'd done some gigs with him. And then

Speaker 2 before COVID, Me, him and Dennis Miller was our last one together, but great. Super fun, obviously.

Speaker 2 And then, um, but, but, you know, we would talk and he, it was more about coming over for dinner, same thing, where he didn't tell me because he'd go, no, I can't.

Speaker 2 And then I, he goes, I go, well, it's just me and you sitting 10 feet apart, but something to do. And he's like, yeah, okay, for sure.
And then that night I go, where are you?

Speaker 2 He goes, David, it's COVID. And I go, what is it? So you're not coming? We're not supposed to leave the house.
I go, I know, but we've talked about this. Like, you're allowed to go places.
And then,

Speaker 1 oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
Well, let's do it next week then.

Speaker 2 And then he just did that routine and then until it was too late but i didn't know so i don't know who knew i think gervitz knew and maybe um i think gervitz

Speaker 1 yeah i think that's about it yeah and and i think

Speaker 1 i mean i i think two things about it and they're diametrically opposed one is i wish i had known because i would have told him what he meant to me yeah and there's that feeling of feeling

Speaker 1 uh

Speaker 1 I wish I had known. And so initially I was mad that I didn't know.

Speaker 1 And then there's the other side, which is

Speaker 1 great respect for him wanting to keep it private

Speaker 1 and him not wanting people to treat him any differently because he was sick.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 So I have both feelings at the same time.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I feel the same way. Like I do, it was just so overwhelmingly horrible that I just like,

Speaker 2 then I later it took me how it affected me where like it was, I was mad at him. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But I'm, by the way, just not to lighten up the load, the feel here, because I know it's getting sad, but when we were at the memorial or whatever that special was for Norm.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Where we watched, were you, we were watching the special. Remember that? We watched his special.
That's why the cameras are there.

Speaker 1 That's a separate thing.

Speaker 1 That was a thing.

Speaker 2 Wasn't that after the memorial was in the middle of the day?

Speaker 1 You're talking about two different things. No,

Speaker 1 there was a kind of a

Speaker 1 eulogy for

Speaker 1 Norm that I sort of spoke at at and brought people up. And then there was a separate thing where Norm had made,

Speaker 1 it was fascinating. He was planning to do

Speaker 1 an hour, and he had an hour together or 50 minutes. And he really had it in his mind.
And he knew, I think, I believe, and Lori Jo would know better.

Speaker 1 I don't want to speak for her, but I think he was planning to go into the hospital for what he thought was going to be something routine maintenance, routine maintenance treatment for his condition.

Speaker 1 So what he did was he said, before I go into the hospital, I want to record.

Speaker 1 So he recorded using similar technology.

Speaker 1 Like just a literally just a camera there. I mean, we're doing here.
It's far more sophisticated. And he did from memory his whole

Speaker 1 50 minutes, and it was really funny and great. He goes into the hospital and he dies.
And then Laurie Joe found the tape.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 they thought

Speaker 1 to round out the special or to give it something else, let's have you, me, Sandler, Chappelle, Letterman. Who else was there?

Speaker 1 Molly? Molly was there, Molly Shannon. A bunch of.
That was it. Might have been it.
It was, and had us watch it. We hadn't seen it, watch it in real time.

Speaker 2 That was kind of weird because Dan was filming us.

Speaker 1 Yes, and then talk about it right afterwards. And that part,

Speaker 1 I mean, I think it came out really well, but I remembered being,

Speaker 1 it was very powerful to be in a room and have everyone else leave and shut the doors and then show. And then suddenly Norm was there.
Yeah. And he's, he's being hilarious.

Speaker 1 And we're laughing and loving it. And then it's over.
And then

Speaker 1 I think we just started talking about it.

Speaker 2 Help seriita parts, though, because you can, you're just watching them going, and then you start drifting your mind going, okay, it's over. This is right before.

Speaker 1 And then we talk and then it's funny because we're all talking and then also we're like just a weird scene yeah will that ever be released do you think it was i think it won an emmy i didn't realize that yeah it was

Speaker 1 i think it's on netflix

Speaker 1 oh your mistakes

Speaker 1 yeah that's nice um yes it won a uh no it uh can you edit out me laughing at 9-11 no no no okay because we never forget oh nothing special we never forget it's called nothing special though yeah it's called nothing special and it won an an Emmy.

Speaker 1 Was it called Nothing Special?

Speaker 2 What's that? Was it called Nothing Special? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Normato. The thing that you guys are watching is aired.
Yes, yes.

Speaker 1 His material. No, no, no.
Just and just so we're has he been listening?

Speaker 1 This is his first podcast. Is he new?

Speaker 1 He won a contest.

Speaker 1 Is he a contest? He gets a silly. He's a contest winner.
He got to fly in. And we didn't.
He told him not to talk. I mean, he's not going to make fun of it.
That microphone isn't even real.

Speaker 1 No, it was the special was

Speaker 1 you see,

Speaker 1 it plays Norm's special, and then you see our reaction to it. So that's the whole.
So you see both. Sorry.
No, that's okay. Don't be sorry.
Yeah. Don't be sorry.

Speaker 1 And that's humanity. You should feel terrible with your crime.
I wish that it

Speaker 1 all.

Speaker 2 Memorial, the first one with the dolly shots, whatever that one was, that you were falling everywhere.

Speaker 1 When people die, and I'm mourning them, I tend to do a tumbling act for a little bit. Just to sort of lose it.

Speaker 2 Also, by the way, I think it was like four inches, and the next one's like nine inches because everybody, their toe hit that fucking thing.

Speaker 2 i'm still mad about that step but i left in between that and then there was like a part two or maybe it was the i'm confusing him but i had to come back yeah so i had about or i just left during it because it was getting too sad so i ran out this is when i went to mcdonald's and in the amazon special i talk about that exact thing i went to mcdonald's in my suit and was in line and the crazy guy comes out of the bushes and starts takes off shirts that's smacking yes The guy ordering.

Speaker 2 Yep. So I go, let's back up, but let's park.
I don't, I want to watch.

Speaker 2 So I went in and that whole thing takes place from the norm McDonald's.

Speaker 1 I didn't really, okay, so that happened from the normal.

Speaker 2 That's a real story and it was really happening. And I did get scared when he came in because I thought we were going to fight.

Speaker 1 First of all, I want it noted that someone you were very close to, a colleague and a cherished person, passed away and you were present at the memorial, but walked out halfway through to go to McDonald's.

Speaker 1 But also. But then something funny happened, which you could use in your special finger line.
So I already got my set. Yeah, you did your set, so then you're out of there.

Speaker 1 I scored, and now it's time for some chicken McNuggets.

Speaker 2 I try to sound real, and it's too many comics there, and I'm trying to sound like say nice stories about Norman. Everyone's just looking for punchline.

Speaker 2 It's such a weird scene because it's all comedians, and you're just like, I'm just going to leave here, and everyone's going to be like, who did well? You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 It's like, that's everything. It is.
Okay, Okay, let's talk about this. This is a real phenomenon.
Yes. Where a

Speaker 1 funny person dies. Yes.
Who are they? Who are their friends? Other funny, professionally funny people.

Speaker 1 We get together when people pass on, when they die, and there's a gathering, people speak, but you've got a room full of people who are competitive about getting up and being funny. And it's a strange

Speaker 1 phenomenon. These things are weird because you think, nope, it's not about that, but there's some part of you that wants to do well.

Speaker 2 And there's some nerves and some awkwardness. And I think it started, I went to Gary Chandling's funeral.
And then everyone was like, Bill Maher did great.

Speaker 1 I kept going. And then everyone said, can I say something? Maher used props.

Speaker 1 And he had a lot of balloon. He was doing balloon work.
Oh, he was? I don't remember that. No, I remember it clearly.
And he had a whole trunk like Gallagher or Gallagher 2.

Speaker 2 That was being filmed, too.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I think Avatar filmed it.
Yeah, they had to. Has that been filming for something for a documentary?

Speaker 3 Oh, I thought Gallagher was. Sorry.
I got confused. I thought, I thought.

Speaker 1 So you guys are here to help. Yeah, I know.

Speaker 2 She's throwing confusion.

Speaker 1 I am.

Speaker 2 You should do Gallagher 3.

Speaker 2 Do you know what Gallagher 2 is?

Speaker 1 Gallagher 2 is his brother. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And he does Gallagher's act.

Speaker 1 Right. But I think,

Speaker 1 have they both passed on to their reward? I think Gallagher won.

Speaker 2 Well, according to this podcast, I'm sure they did because everyone's dying so far that we've talked about it.

Speaker 1 Oh, I know. You guys are talking a lot of death.
A lot of sorry.

Speaker 2 A lot of deaths. Sorry, we're jinxing everyone.

Speaker 1 We are two survivors here. You know, Sona, you and you really are young people.
You don't know what it's like. We,

Speaker 1 we have been through the shit. We're like guys that were in war together.
We're like in the Titanic. We're just talking about it.

Speaker 3 We're in SNL together. I don't think that's.

Speaker 1 It's a lot like the Titanic SNL. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Sorry.

Speaker 2 God, we talk about SNL forever. It's so embarrassing, but it is something to talk about.

Speaker 1 Right? He said doodling. Hey, if you're bored, just let me know.
I think this is, I actually love talking about this stuff, and it's meaningful to me. Oh, because we were both there.

Speaker 1 If you want to take a break and go to McDonald's, go ahead, and I'll just keep talking. You can get yourself the McGriddle, whatever it's called.

Speaker 2 I almost got beat up. That's a big story.

Speaker 1 You're not even concerned. Well, let's hear about it.
Oh, I can't.

Speaker 1 Say hello to the all-new Alexa Plus and see how Alexa can do so much more for you. Need last-minute concert tickets? Craving your favorite restaurant? Just sit back, relax, and talk naturally.

Speaker 1 Alexa's on it. It remembers what you love, anticipates what you need, and makes it all happen.

Speaker 1 Whether you're using Echo, Fire TV, or any compatible device, Alexa Plus brings thousands of possibilities to life. Everything.

Speaker 1 The fact that you can just order concert tickets through her, that's crazy. Yeah, exactly.
You didn't know that? Even I knew that. Wow.
Yeah. And I fought in World War I, and I know that.

Speaker 1 Ready whenever, and yeah, and you were born in the second Obama administration. This is incredible.
Ready whenever inspiration strikes, amazon.com slash new Alexa.

Speaker 1 I'm sure a lot of you out there are plain Coca-Cola people, and that's respectable. Trust me, I'm one.
Yes, I am. You've many times seen me just, I like to order just a regular Coca-Cola.
I really do.

Speaker 1 I really do. But if you haven't tried a Coca-Cola from Sonic, now is your chance because right now it's completely free with any purchase.

Speaker 1 Now, if you're a regular Joe, you're thinking to yourself, I can get a Coca-Cola from anywhere, Conan, why would I go to Sonic? Well, I'm going to tell you.

Speaker 1 Sonic has all the flavors and add-ins to make the perfect Coca-Cola for you. I'm talking strawberry, cherries, coconut, sweet cream, jalapenos.

Speaker 1 Second of all, let me say this again. It's free.
But I like an add-in. I like to have a little flavor.
And you know what? Coconut in your Coca-Cola is delicious. It really is.

Speaker 1 So create a Coke your way, any size, any flavor, free with any purchase in the Sonic app for a limited time. Live free.
Eat Sonic.

Speaker 1 I very much enjoyed your special. Did you watch it? Yeah, I did.
Oh, my God. I watched it last night.

Speaker 1 What are you talking about? When I talk to a friend and they have a special, I,

Speaker 1 you know what I, what I liked is that you've got very funny material. You're obviously a very funny comedian.

Speaker 1 But when you notice something that's just happening in the real moment and fuck around about it, you're one of my favorites.

Speaker 1 And one of the first things he does in the special is you're talking, and I didn't even notice it, but I realized you're kind of doing that thing when there's a long cord. Mic cord.

Speaker 1 Your mic cord, and you're trying to run, and you went, by the way, the cordless mic was invented in 1996, guys. And

Speaker 1 it's hilarious, and it's not even part of the set that you had planned. And then you go on this whole riff about Jeff Bezos and

Speaker 2 give me a shitty mic for my fucking special.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and I noticed this at at the SNL 50th, and I know I'm bringing SNL back into it, but for a reason, you did a sketch in that, and at one point you're not even in the sketch anymore, and you ad-libbed a line that was one of my favorite lines of the night.

Speaker 2 That's right. You told me that was very,

Speaker 1 and I mean, it absolutely was hilarious, which is a sketch is going on. You take us through it.

Speaker 2 I'm doing a sketch with Mulaney and Pete Davidson, Broadway New York Musicals. So it's kind of a long sketch.

Speaker 1 And it's about the evolution of New York throughout the different eras, like starting out in 75 when SNL starts out, and then a bunch of people saw this.

Speaker 2 And me and Pete are like two young kids, and he's telling us the story of how it started.

Speaker 2 And so, as we go through it, I don't know if they predicted this, but of course I got bored during it. So

Speaker 2 they have me, they write me in the middle of it. I walk in and I sit in the audience.
You're in the audience somewhere.

Speaker 1 So it's which, all the way, people don't really know. You like suddenly, you're not there, but you don't quite clock that.
And then all of a sudden they just

Speaker 2 go, listen, Jimmy.

Speaker 1 And then he goes, wait, Pete, he just breaks character.

Speaker 2 Where's Spade? And he goes, oh, I think he went back to the audience and sat in the audience. And then they look around and then they have a camera at me.
And I'm sitting in the audience.

Speaker 2 And they cut to me. And I go, oh, yeah, no, I got a feel for it.

Speaker 1 And so I asked around, and I think that was you. Was that your line?

Speaker 2 Well, they gave me a line and it was something like that. And then Wally goes, I'm not going to give you a cue card.
You got it. And I go, yeah.

Speaker 2 And then when it came to me in rehearsal, I said that, which was basically something like the line.

Speaker 1 And then, but you said it your way,

Speaker 1 and you were so dismissive, and it was so, it was so thrown away. You're like, yeah, I got a feel for it.
And I, you know, I laughed very hard a bunch of times that night.

Speaker 1 That might have been my favorite moment.

Speaker 2 Thank you. That was fun because we did in rehearsal and it worked.
And then Melanie was like, just do it like that. Like, whatever.

Speaker 1 So it was perfect.

Speaker 2 It was, it was fun to be at the 50th and it was fun to be in something because, you know, we just go. And I thought Lovett's line was funny too.

Speaker 1 Oh my God. They they didn't Lovetts is at the American Girls Store.

Speaker 1 He's sitting so far away.

Speaker 1 They have people sitting and he's at the American Girls Store. And what was his line?

Speaker 2 And they go, because they have all stars in the audience, but you can't fit everyone.

Speaker 1 And they go, where's John Lovitz?

Speaker 2 And then they pan to the real American Girls story. He's sitting with all these dolls around him.
And they go, oh, Johnny. He goes, I'm not mad.

Speaker 1 I just want to know why.

Speaker 2 They go, sorry, John, that you're all the way over across the street in the American Girls.

Speaker 1 I'm not mad. I just want to know why.

Speaker 2 Like, he doesn't get there's not enough seats.

Speaker 1 He's like, We had a crazy night. I don't know if you're gonna remember this, it wasn't that crazy, but we occasionally get dinner together.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it'll be, and when I say we, it's you, it's Dana Carvey, it's myself. It's the same group.
We always go to the exact same restaurant on La Cienega, Koi. Love it, and it's this thing we do,

Speaker 1 and we'll just sit around and talk. And I remember one night,

Speaker 1 we don't, it wasn't planned, It was a total accident. We're leaving the restaurant and we hear a hell.
Hello. And it's John Lovitz.

Speaker 2 What do we have here?

Speaker 1 What do we have here?

Speaker 1 And he is always himself and he's always, he's one of the funniest people you'll ever meet because he's always himself.

Speaker 1 And whatever he's doing, if he's standing with an attractive woman, he'll say, oh, and this is, you know, and this is Jessica. And then he'll look at me in front of her and say, jealous.

Speaker 1 He's a walking content character.

Speaker 2 And he does play the John Lovitz.

Speaker 2 He does what you want to hear.

Speaker 1 But we were with him and we're all talking to him. And then

Speaker 1 I can't believe this really happened. But we all walk outside the restaurant and Lovitz is standing there and he said, hold on, they're delivering a car for me.

Speaker 1 And they delivered like an

Speaker 1 army. Was delivering a car to him at the restaurant.

Speaker 1 I don't mean like an Uber. I don't mean, I mean he was taking possession of a fancy car and looked at me and was like, jealous? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I was jealous. Dude?

Speaker 1 Dude, as they are lowering a car. You're Portia, sir.
Yeah, and I thought, who?

Speaker 1 Who the fuck? Says, yes. Well, yes, I'll take possession of my Bugatti.
And I'll be over at Coi

Speaker 1 looking for old friends from Saturday Night Live. Wait till you see me standing with them.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 when you see me standing there and you see when with them with her shitty cars, make sure you wait

Speaker 1 and then back up and have the car delivered. And it was, it was a happening.

Speaker 2 I loved that. Yeah, yeah.
Loitz is always a crackup. He has tons of cars.
I'm shocked. I like cars.
He has way more.

Speaker 2 He pulls up, do you like it? You like it. He goes, how can I? Because he goes, you should get a Mustang.
And he pulls up this new blown-out Mustang. He goes, How can I get you in this car?

Speaker 1 He's trying to sell it.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he is always a crackup.

Speaker 2 Oh, also, you did the Mark Twain. I saw you at the last Mark Twain that I was in, which was the Sam Hill.
That was a really funny one.

Speaker 2 Was yours fun too?

Speaker 1 Yeah, it was a lot of fun. It was a lot of fun.
I was more fun than I thought it was going to be.

Speaker 1 I really like showing up for other people. Yeah.
Being talked about, of course. Is it weird?

Speaker 1 I was dreading, and then I loved it. Yeah.
Just because everyone was so funny.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I just saw the lineup out there on the the poster that you signed for yourself or something.

Speaker 1 But it was on the other side. I know other people

Speaker 1 signed it to me. I don't know exactly what happened.

Speaker 1 I stood with a marker and I signed Letterman, Mulaney.

Speaker 1 It's part of your deal. Sign here.
I signed everyone else's name on it.

Speaker 2 I was with Nikki Glazer in Vegas and she gallantly took a red eye. We did our show.
Yep. And she goes, I'm going to miss your set.
I'm going straight to the airport.

Speaker 2 Went straight on the red eye to you.

Speaker 1 Got it together i mean she killed that's a brutal she killed and i was just in vegas yesterday and ran

Speaker 1 i think drove by seven different signs oh for me and nikki yeah for you and nikki and i adore her yeah she's i adore her and i adore you i love the idea of you two being out there together and that would be a show i would love to see that show yeah you'd laugh it's funny we just and like what you're saying earlier it's like when you do corporate shows you probably do those when you Dana and I do a bunch of them.

Speaker 2 And he fucking kills. He's exactly what they want.
He exactly, I'm pretty much what they want when he's exactly what they want.

Speaker 2 But whenever you do anything in, actually, any show when I'm on the road, this tour, if you say anything that they don't think is scripted, like that mic thing, or you say something about this, you make fun of the guy over here with the lights.

Speaker 2 It always works 10 times better than whatever you're really doing.

Speaker 1 Yeah, of course.

Speaker 2 It's so funny that it always works that way. One time I was doing this corporate and this is just a dumb example, but it was like three nights.

Speaker 2 One night was like Stevie Nicks, me, and then Journey, right? So

Speaker 2 I'm going backstage. They're like, and don't forget, tomorrow night, we got David Spade coming up, but don't forget, tomorrow night, Journey.
They would put over Loud's figure.

Speaker 2 So I forgot six times before I go on, I go, hey guys, I don't want to hear one fucking more thing about Journey, okay?

Speaker 1 We're here tonight.

Speaker 2 I don't give a fat fuck about Journey and all their contest winners that are in that.

Speaker 1 It's not even all real journey, and I'm ready to break it.

Speaker 2 But I said, we're here, and I'm here, and it's going to suck, and we're going to get through it.

Speaker 1 And then you get your precious journey,

Speaker 2 and then that works better than the horse.

Speaker 1 So anything like that. Anything else you've got.

Speaker 2 And then I go, anyway, dogs are funny. And they're like,

Speaker 1 oh, I smell your acts. Go back to journey.

Speaker 1 You really got it with that journey thing. You don't say shit about anything else.

Speaker 1 David, I've kept you here long enough.

Speaker 2 God, that did go fast, Conan. I have to say, we did a good job.

Speaker 1 It was nice and fun, and you were great. I think I did a good job.
You did a great job. You were all over the map.
I think Sona and I did the best job. Yeah, I think me and Matt.

Speaker 1 In your own way, you guys killed it.

Speaker 2 We learned about Building Seven over there.

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Building Seven.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 to end on a positive note,

Speaker 1 Pearl Harbor. Yeah.

Speaker 1 There we go.

Speaker 1 Sona doesn't know what you're talking about.

Speaker 1 David, on a serious note, I've known you,

Speaker 1 I don't know, I think it was 1989, something like that, 1990. I can't remember.
It was a long time. I've known you a really long time, and I'm always really happy to see you.
And

Speaker 1 you are a deeply funny person and also a sweet gentleman. I've always known you to be that.

Speaker 2 That sweet rumor.

Speaker 2 Hopefully it's sticking around.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we're getting it. We're getting the word out there.
It's not trending well. People aren't buying it, but there's a lot of pushback on it.

Speaker 1 Um, but David Spade Dandelion is available to stream on Prime Video. I watched it last night, very nice.
It's really funny, and um, that's it.

Speaker 2 You're a good man on the road, comes. And so, I know your friend Adam, you know, tell your friend Adam.

Speaker 1 I said hello.

Speaker 2 Actually, someone said they there is a house over there by you guys.

Speaker 2 I don't even know where you live exactly, but we keep it that way. Didn't you get

Speaker 2 close to you?

Speaker 1 Yeah, you could tell it's got. Oh, no, no, no, no, It's it's fine.
The fires got Sandler and I live very close to each other. I lived closer to the fire than Sandler.

Speaker 1 But can you still live there?

Speaker 2 You cannot.

Speaker 1 Yes, I can. Yeah.
Oh, great. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 We're God, you know, I'm very lucky. We were very fortunate that

Speaker 1 our house was close and we had to move out of it for a couple of months, but it was just smoke damage.

Speaker 2 Sorry to bring that up, but yeah, I'm glad you're okay.

Speaker 1 So you saw us getting out with some good sentiment and some good feeling, and you brought up the fires.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I said quickly, I was rocking my brain, Chat GPT, what's the saddest thing that's happened recently?

Speaker 1 Three fires in Los Angeles, and it goes, This show's over, I wouldn't bring it up.

Speaker 2 I go,

Speaker 1 so wait, so Chat GPT knew

Speaker 1 they knew everything.

Speaker 1 I would have ended on the journey, bitch, yeah.

Speaker 1 Really, Kill.

Speaker 2 I thought you had timing, you're proving,

Speaker 1 yeah, all right, David. I hope I see you real soon.
Yeah,

Speaker 2 give me about 100 yards ahead of you and then you take off.

Speaker 1 Yeah. All right.
Thanks.

Speaker 1 Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam Offsessian, and Matt Gorley. Produced by me, Matt Gorley.
Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Frost, and Nick Liao.

Speaker 1 Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
Take it away, Jimmy.

Speaker 1 Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and Mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns.

Speaker 1 Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn.

Speaker 1 You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Cocoa Hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message.

Speaker 1 It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at seriousxm.com/slash Conan.

Speaker 1 And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

Speaker 1 Now's the time to start your next adventure behind the wheel of an exciting new Toyota hybrid.

Speaker 1 With the largest lineup of hybrid, plug-in hybrid, and electrified vehicles to choose from, Toyota has the one for you.

Speaker 1 Every new Toyota hybrid comes with Toyota Care two-year complementary scheduled maintenance, an exclusive hybrid battery warranty, and Toyota's legendary quality and reliability.

Speaker 1 Visit your local Toyota dealer today. Toyota, let's go places.
See your local Toyota dealer for hybrid battery warranty details.

Speaker 4 Black Friday is here, and Pandora Jewelry is offering up to 40% off store-wide and site-wide. Now through December 2nd.
Explore jewelry designed to last beyond this season.

Speaker 4 From classic charms to modern rings, bracelets, earrings, and more. Whether you're holiday shopping or treating yourself, now's the perfect time to find something special.

Speaker 4 Save up to 40% on the jewelry you love. Shop at Pandora.net or your local Pandora store.
Exclusions apply.