Cōnānus et Jordānēs Show - Luke Ranieri

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Uncrustables are the best part of the sandwich.

I mean, we've been thinking that.

Why does hell say it, right, Sona?

Yeah.

Like, who needs a crust?

You've been saying that since the day I met you 15 years ago, Sony.

You said, who needs the crust?

And I said, First of all, my name's Conan.

You know,

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All right, well,

if we're listening to

a, I guess a hyperactive version of what are we listening to here, Jordan, explain what this is.

I'm going to say that I hear nothing, sir.

There's apparently a turn.

Turn the knob on your headphone.

Oh, my God.

What an audio.

When an audio is.

I should have explained that.

Apologies, Jordan.

That's my fault.

All right, now let's take a listen.

This is like a Duran, Duran, 12-inch, like a knife version.

Oh, I see.

You know what it is?

Yeah, this is a souped-up version of Tom Sawyer.

Yeah, Rush.

Let's kill it now because I think the idea is to get listeners, not drive them deep into the woods where they commit suicide.

What's the name of that fan?

Mindless self-indulgence is the name of it.

Yeah, which is

maybe the correct title for this episode.

Welcome to the Conan and Jordan show.

And we usually begin with the Rush song Tom Sawyer, which is that's your favorite band and maybe your favorite song of theirs.

And then this was a hyped up version by the band Mindless Self-Indulgence.

And that was a surprise for both of us.

I didn't know that was going to play.

Well, what I'm saying is, we've had a bit of time off, and there's been a lot of time to think of ideas.

And

that's what you guys came up with.

Don't include me in this.

Oh, okay.

I am.

I am.

What they did,

imagine a Soviet-era space capsule.

Right.

And they put two chimps inside.

Yeah.

Now, the scientists, the Russian scientists, have been working hard on blasting the chimps into space, but you and I are the chimps.

Okay.

So I am was unaware that that was going to happen.

Okay.

And I've done no preparation for this podcast.

Yeah, likewise.

Now, is that the sense, do all your podcasts involve the same lack of preparation?

Or do you somehow devalue this one with

some of the others?

Turner Brian needs a friend.

I actually care about those people.

I see.

We're talking about big stars like Al Pacino.

I'll read his book.

I'll think about all the things I want to talk to Al Pacino about.

Makes sense.

Or if I'm talking to President Barack Obama, I really put a lot of thought into it.

When they say,

when I call in, as I do in the morning and say, who am I talking to today?

And they say it's you and Jordan,

I actually stop off at UCLA and have a portion of my brain removed

and destroyed.

You know, I've heard you talk about when you have a big guest like Harrison Ford, that there were some extra people out there in the waiting room.

You know, the whole staff shows up, people that don't need to be here.

People are excited.

Yeah, I couldn't help but notice.

I walked in, it is empty out there.

There is no one there.

There's one tumbleweed.

And then the tumbleweed left.

Listen, we have a lot to talk about.

And Jordan, you know, I do treasure our friendship, if you can call it that.

I don't know what it is, but we have a.

We have some kind of chemical bond, which needs to be eradicated like smallpox.

But people are fascinated.

They like to listen to us.

They like to watch us travel the world.

You've come with me on some of my adventures.

And we have this show that we do, which

people do enjoy.

Believe it or not.

It's been great.

I haven't seen the metrics.

There are none.

Okay.

There are no metrics.

No one even cares to measure.

No.

Who would measure that?

Right.

But I want to start today with some, I think, good news for you.

Oh.

You have many pet peeves.

You have many

sort of causes that you champion,

which are a waste of time.

One is food coloring.

You've been bothered about food coloring.

Do you want to take us, give us just a quick tour of what you think about food coloring?

Well, it becomes most apparent when you compare some American food products to their foreign equivalents, things like M ⁇ Ms, where if you get them in the United Kingdom, the colors come from things like vegetable juice.

And the colors are a bit muted, I guess, you know compared to America's artificial colors.

Like the British themselves are kind of washed out.

Yeah.

Well, they'll live a bit longer because they have...

I think they all have massive heart attacks in their 50s.

Right.

Because of all the pints they've been having.

But anyway.

You're saying that the UK, they use

natural food coloring.

They have more stringent requirements about limiting the types of artificial coloring that's used in our food.

And when you talk about artificial flavor, I guess I could see the appeal in it because you want something to taste a certain way and you can't achieve it otherwise.

But when you talk about artificial color, I mean, how shallow are we that we just need something to look a certain way?

Yeah.

You know?

Yeah.

Well, you've made the same point

many times that you think the Europeans do things better than we do.

Sometimes.

Well, you tend to mostly lean that way.

You seem a little anti-American to me.

I want to tell you that you should be quite quite happy.

Robert Kennedy Jr.,

who is now the health czar of America, he's in charge of, and rightfully so, given his medical background and his knowledge and his years and years of

study.

I think he has a medical degree.

Does he have a medical degree?

Does anyone know?

Are you looking it up right now?

You don't have to.

He does not.

It's not important.

Anyway,

Robert Kennedy Jr., RFK Jr.,

has decided to ban

the artificial colors and dyes that are used in the United States.

He wants to get rid of them.

And this is one of those instances where what the government's doing aligns with what you believe in.

And he is getting rid of those colors.

And so

probably

one of the places you're going to see this most clearly is Fruit Loops.

Yeah.

Now, do you enjoy Fruit Loops, the cereal?

They're not the ideal breakfast cereal, but I've been known to.

Ideal in what way?

Well, I did a deep comparison of different breakfast cereals recently.

And Fruit Loops, while

they have a lot of sweetness, which is enticing,

the texture is a little bit too airy.

I like a little bit more substance, like a Golden Grams is a little more fulfilling an experience.

Yeah.

I love Fruit Loops.

Okay.

I have long been a Fruit Loops fan.

Do you know how to spell Fruit Loops?

What are you talking about?

Do you know how to spell Fruit Loops?

F-R-O-O-T.

Okay.

L-J-J-L-O-P-S.

Good job.

Good job.

I went to Harvard.

Yeah.

You don't think I know how to spell fruit loops?

Right.

Okay.

So

fruit loops in the future, very soon, they have like fluorescent colors now,

which I love, by the way.

Those are going to be gone and they'll have a more muted.

muted tones.

You may call it muted.

I call it natural.

The way colors occur in nature.

Yeah, but I think that man's job on earth is to improve upon nature.

They will taste the same.

And I don't know what pleasure you derive in looking at that light.

I love the color.

I like the blue color.

And I like the way the colors change the milk.

The great thing about Fruit Loops with all of the radioactive dyes that we use in the United States is that you can turn off the lights.

And like an alarm clock, you can see, you can still see the little,

that's lit up.

That's what I love about Fruit Loops.

I don't even eat cereal in milk.

You know what's amazing?

What's that?

Fruity Pebbles.

Have you had Fruity Pebbles?

Yeah, they're a little, their texture is a little bit too slight for me.

I love that texture.

I love how small they are.

And they're so many specifically dislike that.

They're like slivers.

Okay, well, this is why you and I should never occupy a cell in a prison together because we just don't get along on some of the major life issues.

But the colors in fruity pebbles are insane.

I've never done LSD.

Okay.

And I don't have to because I've had fruity pebbles.

Well, you better stock up now, apparently.

Well, the nice thing is I can stock up and they'll never go bad because of the dyes.

Okay.

It's true that any box of fruit loops you buy today will exist in its intact form 10,000 years from now and will be edible.

Okay.

Great improv, by the way.

Okay.

I love that we're discussing current events.

I like that this has become the format of the show.

What else is in the news?

And we'll wait.

Just inform me in advance if we're going to be changing the format of the show.

No, no.

I mean, we spoke for an hour about breakfast cereal like two weeks ago.

If you want to continue, we can.

I'm assuming this is leading to something.

Where's the payoff coming?

I'm just telling you that we like to occasionally cover current events.

Okay.

This is a current event.

It's in the news today.

Okay.

That Robert Kennedy Jr., the very well-qualified government official in charge

in the cabinet, in the Trump cabinet, who's in charge of our health and our welfare, who's done, I'm assuming, just years and years and years of hardcore research and

study,

has decided that this is the best course of action.

Okay.

And I'm assuming it's a good idea.

And I think you agree.

If you're looking for a political opinion, I have none to offer.

I am happy to hear that the United States is moving in the right direction with respect to artificial colors.

Now,

do you hate hate bright colors in general?

No, I have no problems with bright colors, but I have a problem with artificial colors.

Okay, but when you see a movie, you know that they're doing, sometimes there's going to be some enhancement to the colors and things like that.

When you see your beloved Star Wars.

No, when you call it an enhancement, I call it like an HDR color grade in the HDR 10 color space, or perhaps the Dolphy Vision color space, maybe even HDR 10 Plus.

Of course, I understand that movies are graded.

You're talking to an expert here.

You come in there talking about enhancement.

Do you want to to apologize?

Yeah.

I could tell you, I could tell you.

You think IRE level, 400 nits, you're coming to me, you're coming to me like I'm a chimp explaining.

You asked me to

spell fruit loops.

Yeah, I like pleasure.

You thought I was going to think it was F-R-U-I-T?

Yeah.

And you cannot pretend that everyone knows that it's F-R-U-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-O-C-F.

You wouldn't call them real fruit loops.

No, that's not.

No one would do that.

No, no, no, no.

No,

no, no one asks for, I would like the loops to be able to do it.

How do you spell fruity pebbles?

Fruity Pebbles is actually F-R-U-I-T.

Very good.

Just testing you again.

No, you can't do it.

This is what I majored in in college.

I wrote a thesis on fruity pebbles versus fruit loops.

Guess what?

Summa cum laude.

Okay.

Yeah.

I actually went to Oxford and was given several prizes for this dissertation, if you will.

Okay.

Well, we're going to move on.

But I hope so.

I thought this was going somewhere.

That was it.

That was the climax of that particular hunk.

You should be pleased with how that went.

All right.

Because I have great, I've listened to some of our last conversations.

This is a home run compared to some of them.

Good stuff.

Okay.

Yeah.

And I just want you to know that that's what's happening in the news, and I'm glad you're happy.

Right.

Your choice.

Okay.

Your choice for the person who would lead this nation on health,

Robert F.

Kennedy Jr., has is in full agreement with you on most everything.

Maybe we could talk about interest rates next.

No, no, no, no.

Yeah.

You're also an anti-vaxxer, I believe.

Just going to get that out there.

Anti-vaxxer.

And a flat earther, I believe, as well.

You think if you go too far in Europe looking for a cappuccino, you'll fall off the edge of the earth?

Is that true?

And then a dinosaur will eat you.

I've always believed that your home should be an expression of who you are.

That was my mind.

I have that like tattooed on my low back.

Oh, wow.

I could have had so many things tattooed down there, and that's what I chose.

Down there.

Yeah.

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Yeah, I know you.

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Yeah.

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Jordan,

you and I have spent a lot of time together.

Yes.

And you have certain obsessions.

One of them is pronunciation.

It's important to you.

Yeah.

And

sometimes your pronunciation

of words is

quite different than not just me, but what most people would think is the correct pronunciation.

That may be the case.

I can't speak for how people interpret the things I say.

When you and I were

doing the travel show for Max,

and we were in Argentina,

I said it would be a good idea if we took lessons and learned how to dance the tango.

You corrected me and said, it's the tongo.

That's the closest I've ever come to hitting you.

I've slapped you before, but I've never struck you with a closed fist.

That's the closest I ever came to striking you.

You insisted it was the tongo.

And it was an insane moment.

And I think if you go online, people will realize that you were in the wrong.

Well,

you're constantly correcting my pronunciation, and I think you're errant.

I decided to bring somebody in who actually knows about linguistics, and I believe you're a big fan of his YouTube channel.

I'm talking about Luke Ranieri.

Oh, yes.

Excellent.

Luke Ranieri is here, and he's going to come in now.

I think he's being probably.

Oh, here he is.

Hello, Luke.

How are you?

I'm great, Quinnen.

How are you doing?

Tell me a little bit about yourself because I'm not knowledgeable about your YouTube channel.

But thank you so much for joining us.

Tell us a little bit about how you became fascinated with pronunciation, linguistics.

Oh, thanks for having me.

Yeah.

I just fell in love with Italian and then later Latin.

And for whatever reason, I wanted to speak Latin.

I was just, for no reason, I was just a weirdo like that.

And so wanting to speak an ancient language, I wanted to figure out how it's actually pronounced.

And thankfully, lots of people smarter than me wrote lots of books about that.

And so I studied that.

And then eventually I started talking about that on YouTube, how to pronounce Latin and ancient Greek in ancient pronunciations.

Well, I don't know know how familiar you are with my dynamic with Jordan Schlansky, but for many years now, he and I have

sort of like the coyote and the roadrunner, we've been at war

and

we disagree about a lot of things.

Jordan is constantly correcting my pronunciation of certain words.

There are times where I'm convinced he's wrong.

He thought instead of tango, the word was tongo.

I don't know where you weigh in on that one, whether it's tango or tongo.

Well, in Spanish, it's it's tango, but so that's a short a sound, and a short a can go either towards a

tango.

I know it could be tango, but it's not tongo.

He was saying tongo the way Tarzan would,

Tarzan would name a fellow ape.

Hey, tongo, come here.

Would you agree that tongo would be incorrect?

It could be tongo, a quicker A.

I accept that, but I will not accept tongo.

I liked your Spanish pronunciation when you said tango.

That sounded good to me.

Tongo, si, but it's important to no totos

claro que si.

Claro.

Oh, dio shmio.

Si, oh.

Yes.

But okay, as for English, I think you go a lot of ways.

Okay,

would you just please agree with me before we proceed that tongo, T-O-N-G-O with a long-term.

No, I never spelled it T-O-N-G-O.

It's El Tongo.

It's El Tongo.

I didn't make the word up.

I'm only reciting it.

Luke,

there's no shortage of Spanish-speaking people in this town.

You've got a celebrity here.

You've got one of the few men on earth that can currently speak Latin, both classical and ecclesiastical.

And you're asking about Spanish.

We have 10 people in the building that speak fluent Spanish.

Luke?

You're wasting this man's time.

Would you say tango or would you say tongo?

Tongo sounds too much like the

Star Trek.

Thank you so much.

Now, before we continue, I'd like to know how to pronounce your name.

Is it Luke Ranieri or is it Ragnieri?

What do you prefer?

So in English, I do Ranieri.

Boo.

And in Italian, it's Ranieri.

I think Ragnieri sounds better.

I like it fine.

Yeah, okay.

And how do you go with Luke?

Are you Luke?

Like Luke, I am your father.

That would please my compatriot here.

He's a big Star Wars fan.

It's his religion.

Me too.

Do you go with Luke or just Luke?

I have a brother and I call him Luke.

Okay.

Yeah.

You're not going to divide us.

We have a preexisting relationship.

Do you understand?

You're the

I see where you're trying to go with this.

I'm going to spoiler alert right now.

He and I are aligned.

Oh, really?

Have you ever

danced the human?

Have you ever danced the tongo together?

Well, gentlemen, later we may have a chance to test this and

with a little bit of a competition.

We'll find out later.

Okay, now

there are some words I think you and I have spoken before.

You'll often give me what you say is the correct Latin pronunciation of certain words.

I do the best I can.

For names, like Julius Caesar.

We say Julius Caesar, and what do you say, Jordan?

Gaius Julius Geyser.

He says Gaius Julius Geyser.

No, no, that's not what I said.

What did you say?

No, I said Gaius Julius.

Geyser.

Okay.

Is that correct, Luke?

For a classical Latin pronunciation, I think that's very good.

Now, do you think you're not going to win here?

I see why you're trying to go.

Keep trying.

No, but now, is it perfect?

No, of course not.

Is it better than what you're throwing out of that pie hole?

Of course it is.

So my speaking is hurling things out of a pie hole.

So what you're saying, Jordan,

is do you say Jordan?

How do you pronounce it?

Jordan.

Jordan?

Yeah.

Oh, I say Jurian.

Gaius.

And what do you say for Julius?

Julius.

Geyser.

Geyser.

Well, that's the classical Latin, of course.

It's Cesar in the ecclesiastical Latin.

You should know that.

You're a Roman Catholic.

So Cesar Romero is your favorite joker.

Sure.

Okay, how about Socrates?

First of all, what do you say?

Socrates.

Socrates.

What do you say, Luke?

Socrates is the modern Greek pronunciation.

Jordan did it perfectly.

Ancient pronunciation, say classical Attic pronunciation, solcrates.

Oh, you never did that one.

That actually sounds like if I was getting directions, you know, in my car, do you know what I mean?

From a, from a GPS, and

you know what I mean?

And it said that I had to take a left on Socrates Boulevard, it would go, take a left on Socrates Boulevard.

Do you know what I mean?

That's what a little bit of what it sounds like.

I think

most GPS voices are probably programmed to speak in the correct ancient Latin.

And that's why it sounds sounds so weird to us.

Do you agree with that?

I have a real agenda with this man.

If we have his time, I have questions, okay?

I know you have bits that you have planned.

I'm not doing bits of it.

I'd like him to rattle off every astrological sign in Latin.

I'd like you to tell me how to pronounce Tyrannosaurus Rex in Latin.

I want to know how to say Brontosaurus.

I want to know.

All right, okay.

Okay, I have questions here.

Okay.

All right.

I think our viewers would.

I'm going to blurt against the astrological signs because that's just cheesy, and you're probably going to use that on some dating website.

Tyrannosaurus Rex, what would be the correct way to say Tyrannosaurus Rex?

Tyrannosaurus Rex with a classical Latin pronunciation.

Wow, that's a real deal-breaker for me.

I mean, you're talking to a kid.

Let's say you're talking to a kid, and you just want to say, oh, and oh, let's go to the museum.

I don't want to go.

I don't want to go.

No, come on, it's really cool.

They have a T-Rex there.

Oh, cool.

I will go to the museum.

I love a T-Rex.

Jordan, when he's talking to his kids, he's going to say, Do you want to come see a Turanus?

And the kid's going to go, No, I don't.

And so, your kids are never going to see a natural history museum in their lives because you're such a freak.

Okay.

Brontosaurus, how do you say it?

Brontosaurus.

From the word bronte, meaning thunder in Greek.

And of course, the saurus means a lizard or a reptile.

Of course.

Yeah.

Now, caveat.

We have all these Latin words.

Is caveat the way to say it?

Or is it

caveat?

Oh, I say kaviat.

Kawiat means may he or she be careful.

Watch out, kawiat.

But this caveat I would bring up is the fact that we have these names from Latin, ancient Greek, other languages, and we've anglicized them, like

Caesar.

And, you know,

we can say,

if we're speaking in Latin, we'll say Geysar or Jaisar, potentially.

But in English, we have these English pronunciations like Caesar and Tranosaurus Rex.

I mean, I would like to see you go

to

an olive garden and ask for a Geysar salad and see what you get.

You know what I mean?

It's not going to happen.

So

I think sometimes it's off-putting.

I guess that's what I would say to you, Luke.

I appreciate your knowledge, and I appreciate that someone is making sure they understand the

long-dead pronunciation of these names.

But when Jordan does it in real life, it can feel like a put-down and it can be socially a little awkward.

Could you see how that would be having done that for a long time and then changing my own behavior?

Yes, I can't understand that.

So you modified your behavior because you realize I'm not going to say Geysar.

I'm going to say, yeah, well, Caesar was stabbed on the Ides of March

by the senators.

That's what you would say.

You wouldn't say Geysar, right?

Usually talking about history, yeah, Caesar was stabbed by Brutus and Cassius and the rest of the conspirators.

So you learn that Luke, because he's a human and has lived among humans, has altered his behavior somewhat, even though he is an expert

far more than you at all these pronunciations.

He has altered his behavior

somewhat in order to

fit in society better.

He has a forum to disperse his knowledge.

He has an excellent couple.

It's called Furum.

That's close.

He has a couple of YouTube channels where he can talk about these things.

This is my forum.

Do you understand?

This is my chance.

Do you know what I've done here?

I've started a dialogue.

There are millions of people listening right now that now know how to pronounce

that.

And it never even occurred to them before.

Right.

And they know how to pronounce the real names of dinosaurs.

I'd like to cover Greek gods.

I want to talk about things like habeas corpus and Eploribus unum.

We say these words every day, but we don't know where they come from.

You're providing a service.

So many dates aren't going to happen because you've provided this knowledge.

So many guys are going to be at bars and they're going to say, by the way, it's not Caesar.

It's Geyser.

And then they're going to go to say something else and the girl is gone.

So

in fairness, Coda, my fiancé liked me because I was talking about those things.

That's how we met.

I think she's Italian.

He has a beautiful fiancée.

This man is.

I just want you to respect him.

Can I just say one thing right now, okay?

Can I just say one thing, Lou?

I have no proof.

There's no proof here that you're fiancé.

It could be the old girlfriend in Canada bit.

We have no proof that this girlfriend's real.

She's probably in our

pictures are right here.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I've got a picture, too.

Do you want to see the picture of my girlfriend?

Yeah,

I've got lots of pictures of my girlfriends from the past.

Now, they're going to look a little like supermodels that you've seen, but they were really my girlfriends.

Do you know that you're not an Aries?

You're an Adias?

I didn't know that.

Yeah.

I didn't know that.

Well, now you learned something new.

And

for the rest of your life, you're not going to be able to do that.

And you are.

What is your, what is yours?

I'm an Addis too.

Yeah.

Well, you're April 18th.

You should know my birthday.

It's five days before yours.

I share it with Dex Weinberg.

I don't know your birthday.

Okay.

Because I don't want to know your birthday.

Maybe after 30 years, it's time that you learned these things.

You could have wished me well.

Happy belated birthdays.

Yeah, thank you.

Thank you so much.

Well, how would you say?

Are you familiar with the Karate Kid movies?

Absolutely.

You know who they starred?

They starred Ralph Macchio.

How would you pronounce his name?

I remember.

It's M-A-C-C-H-I-O, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Macchio.

In Italian, it's Macchio.

Yeah.

Ralph Macchio, Lou Farignho.

Lou Farigno, the Hulk?

Lou Farigno, the Hulk.

But here's where we get into an interesting thing.

There is how they're known, meaning how they are known throughout the world.

So you could be a huge fan of Ralph Macchio.

I'm sure even if you pulled Ralph, if a state trooper pulled over a sports car and the plate said Karate Kid 1, Karate Kid 2, whatever, it was a vanity license plate, and the thing went down and he said, license and registration, what's your name, sir?

And it was Ralph, the star of those films.

And he said, he would say, I'm Ralph Macchio.

He wouldn't say, I'm Ralph Macchio.

So

this is important to me that you're saying what you think it should have been 10,000 years ago, but

no one calls it that.

I mean, my name is Conan O'Brien.

What would my name have been,

you know, 800 years ago in Ireland?

I assume it was something like Goanan, because I think that's what it is in Irish, Go Nan.

But yeah, that's a really

good point.

It'd be Gaelic.

I don't know.

But that is not my name.

My name is Conan O'Brien.

That's true.

Though if we Latinized your name, it would be Conanus Briennius or something like that,

which would sound cool.

We like to Latinize our names when we speak because it makes it easier for different parts of the grammar.

So

we have Conanus Briennius and Jordanes Lanskius.

Do you wish that I called you that?

No, I like to, I appreciate all these factoids.

Many people spend time on the internet watching various things.

I appreciate spending a couple hours watching Luke and his excellent dissertations about any number of subjects.

However, I believe in staying true to one's background,

so to speak.

So I would want to know more of the Polish-Russian origins of my name and Irish for yours.

But yeah, there are so many things I have to ask Luke, but I'll have to save them for another time because it appears you have an agenda of jokes and quips.

So

I'll let you take the lead.

I'll let you take the lead And we'll converse offline.

Why don't you test us, Luke?

Why don't you test us on the pronunciations of historical Greek and Roman names?

Do you think that's maybe a good test for the both of us?

And we'll see.

I think that's a great idea.

Let's try that.

And let's start with

what we're going to do, we're going to play a little game.

Okay.

And you'll both get the chance to steal.

Now, let's start with speaking of the assassination of

Julius Kaisar.

Here was one of the men behind it.

Now, Conan, we're going to start with you.

You can pronounce his whole name or just that?

We'll call it last name.

Well, he was stabbed by Brutus, and so I'm just going to say it was Brutus.

And now you've got to try to do it in a classical Latin pronunciation.

Best you can.

Marcus Junius

Brutus.

Is that it?

Not bad.

Not bad.

Yeah, I just did it.

I did it the stupidest way I could think of, and you said that was pretty close.

Now you go for it there, Chimpy.

I would go with Marcus Junius Brutus.

Okay, I'm going to give that point to Jordan.

Okay.

So when he said you too, Brutus, he was saying etu brutus.

Brute.

Brutu.

So you too, Brutus.

Okay.

Yes.

That's a lot to get out while you're, I mean, he was bleeding out of, I think, maybe 35 different knife wounds, and he had to get all that out.

Some historians say he didn't say anything.

Others said he, in fact, said, he said, in Greek, kaishutek non, and you, my child, and you, my son.

Yeah.

And others, etu brute is a natural.

And also there's one account where he just went, what the fuck?

What the fuck?

Can you imagine if you can go back in time in a time machine and hear everyone?

How beautiful is that?

Even when he says something like, etubrute.

Can you imagine hearing everyone speaking like that, dressed in their togas?

I can imagine the togas.

Yeah.

I do that a lot.

Yeah.

Okay, continue, sir.

All right.

So

speaking of Brutus, this was his wife.

How is this pronounced in Latin?

Jordan, we're going to start with you.

Classical Latin.

Classical Latin

porchia.

And I'd go ecclesiastical.

I'd go Porcha.

I'm going to go Porchia.

Very nice.

I'm going to go Porchia.

Not bad, but I think I'm going to have to give that point to Jordan.

We call her Porcia.

I see how those things are.

I see the fixes in.

Okay.

Excuse me.

It means

little piglet.

Oh, that's a nice.

That's great.

That's great.

That's some real misogyny there from Brutus.

Hey, hey, little piglet.

Come here.

That's nice.

Women love it when you call them little piglet.

I'm going to go home tonight to my wife and say, hey there, little piglet.

You know, it's even worse because, in a way, women in ancient Rome didn't get their own names.

The usual name that they were called was just the feminine version of their father's family tribe name.

Yep.

They wonder why that empire fell and is no more.

When you don't treat the women right, the empire crumbles.

A word of warning.

Well, how about a poet or two?

Let's start with this one.

First, Conan, can you guess what we call this poet in English?

Because it's a little bit different.

I'm going to say in English it's Virgilius.

Oh, that's right.

Yeah, Virgil.

Very good.

And what can you do your best classical Latin pronunciation, Conan?

Vergilius.

Not bad.

Not bad.

You know what?

Because you guessed it was Virgil, and the Vergilius sounded pretty good.

We pronounced the V as a W.

I was going to go that way.

I could have gone that way, but I knew that it was a fork in the road and I could take either one.

That I like that.

That was good.

I think I get that point.

We don't even have to try, Jordan.

I'm giving that point.

Just so you know, we're keeping score.

This is a free and fair game show, so this is all

correct and above board.

Of the game shows that have existed in the world, this might be the worst.

And I say that with kindness, but let's continue.

And that may be.

Well, let's take

this one.

Jordan, what poet is this in English?

What do we call him in English?

Horatio in English?

Not usually.

Oh.

It's Horace.

That's right.

Conan is correct.

And how would we pronounce this in classical Latin Jordan?

Horatius.

Horatius?

Yeah.

I have a question.

Very good.

I'm sorry.

You got to give me both of those points.

I'll give you both a point.

I knew it was Horace.

He didn't even know who it was.

Well, how many points we have now?

We have three to two Jordans in the lead.

Okay, let's go one more time, and you have to ask me first.

Okay, let's do a Greek one.

This is a mythological figure.

Of course,

we would know him as Odysseus.

Right?

Very good.

But in the Greek, it would be Odysseus.

Adysisus.

Adius, get to the chopper.

It's not a tumor.

Odysseus.

Odysseus, Odysseus,

Odysseus.

What do you think?

We get it there.

Yes, you are.

Yeah, definitely getting there.

Uh, Jordan.

Well, first of all, we know Odysseus was Ulysses in Rome.

And

despite the pronunciation, which I'm not familiar with, I will tell you that a lot of people know about the Iliad, but do they also know about the Odyssey?

Do people know that nobody could string Odysseus's bow except his son, Telemachus, or is it Telemachus?

And he had all these suitors coming after his wife, and

he had a dog, and the dog was the only one that recognized.

They thought he was dead, and he comes back, and the dog is the only one that recognizes him.

And all these suitors are trying to string this bow, but they can't string the bow.

And then Odysseus gets up there in disguise, and he strings the bow, and he executes the suitors, and everyone lives happily ever after.

If you were on the street in, say, San Diego, and it was two o'clock in the morning, and you said all of that, the police would put a blanket around you, and then they would take you to a shelter and you'd be medicated.

Right.

And the body cam footage would totally exonerate those policemen.

I understand.

You just rave like an absolute fucking lunatic.

Yeah.

And even I,

I mean, you have the safety of being on a Zoom, Luke, but even you retreated somewhat from the camera.

Wasn't that a little bit frightening, the intensity of that speech?

Well, it's kind of like, you know, Tower of Terror.

Sometimes frightening is enjoyable.

There are people out there that appreciate me.

You need to understand that.

I've met them.

I'm sure.

I'm polarizing individuals.

Yeah, there's a Yeti.

There's a Yeti out there, and I haven't met it.

I've heard tell, but no one has footage.

I have never seen even a photograph of someone who enjoys what you're saying.

Right.

What I'm saying is, you know, I am polarizing.

I understand that.

There are people.

No, polarizing means half are with you, half are against you.

That's fine.

You aren't polarizing.

You are completely alienating.

Okay.

No one is in your corner.

I've never met anybody who's in your corner.

Okay.

Ever.

All right.

Ever.

I understand.

ever the people that dislike me i get it i really do

that's the population of earth yeah

but the people that can tolerate me i get you too i'd like to meet them yeah

all right well i want to thank you uh luke it's been lovely talking to you and uh i do appreciate what you do you seem like a lovely person i am going to check out your youtube channel i want to give you a shout out luke reignieri uh or you would say ranieri

No, he wouldn't.

He'd say Ranieri.

Don't argue.

The man who actually knows his name.

Yeah, well, you don't know.

He knows.

How can they access your YouTube channel?

What's the best way to find it?

Well, yeah, if you search for Luke Ranieri, you'll find both of them really easily.

Great.

And otherwise, the main channel is called Polymathy.

It's like polymath with a Y at the end, Polymathy.

And you can find a lot of my videos that way.

Well, I am a fan of people who know their stuff.

You seem to know your stuff, and you seem like a very affable fellow.

And so I wish you all the best.

And it really has been nice talking to you.

Thank you for intervening here because this was an intervention.

And

Jordan, I do think now you may know some of what you're talking about.

Okay.

I still think you're completely wrong on Tongo and I know that Luke agreed with me on that.

And that'll wrap this section up.

Okay, for better.

or worse, and I want to say worse, this was the Conan and Jordan show.

And Jordan, once again, I wouldn't say it's a pleasure, but it certainly is an experience.

Okay.

You are so additive to the process.

You're sullen, okay.

If I think to contribute, I'm not going to pretend to contribute.

Okay.

But you know, when I do say something, it means something.

Okay.

Are you about to snap?

I have nothing to say right now.

Okay.

Well, for a guy with nothing to say, you are very animated and you seem furious.

So we're going to go to take this out.

This has been our episode of the Conan and Jordan Show.

We hope you enjoyed it.

We certainly have an interesting time making these.

We hope you find value in this process.

I'm just going to mutter on my way out.

Jordan?

I have nothing to mutter.

The Conan and Jordan Show with Conan O'Brien and Jordan Shlansky is produced by me, me, Frank Smiley.

Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Jim McClure.

Engineering and Mixing by Eduardo Perez.

Our supervising producer is Andrew Groos.

Talent Booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn.

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