Paul W. Downs

You know, like a Conan bit, Sonic takes the pickle too far with their big dill meal. What? I don't know what they're saying.
What are they saying here? That's an insult to me. I don't take things too far.
Oh, my God. Sonic, I've got a beef with you.
And a very delicious beef. First, you get the Smasher Tot with Grillo's Pickles.
Then there's Pickle Season Tots. And they're pickling further than anyone before with the picklerita slush.

When I have a slush, I want pickles in there.

Full of pickle flavored bursting bubbles.

Topped with a Grillo's pickle garnish.

This must be the edge of the known pickle verse.

Oh, whoever came up with that needs a beating.

To which Sonic says no.

You don't understand.

This is just the beginning.

You think a pickle burger, pickle tots, and a pickle slush is a lot of pickle?

Hubris. We'll pickle everything.
That's their logo. Well, the Sonic and Grillos.
Big deal meal. It's the Conan bit.
Oh, my God. They're going after me hard.
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Hi, my name is Paul W. Downs, and I feel thrilled about being Conan O'Brien's friend.
Oh, that's very nice. It's true, it's thrilling.
Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens. I can tell that we are going to be friends.
Yes, I can tell that we are going to be friends. Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend.
I'm Conan O'Brien, joined here by the chuckling Matt Gourley. Sona Moussesian, how are you, Sona? Am I right? You what? I'm all right.
Oh. I'm sorry, I said that.
I mumbled. I think you said, am I right? Yeah, am I right? And then I did a weak ass thumbs up.
It's also weird how you kind of like turned it towards yourself. I don't like it.
Everything you did just now was just wrong. Are you an AI? Yeah, I think you are AI.
Every time you're like, well, hey, Sona, it makes me so uncomfortable. And we've talked about it before.
I hate it. People get very scared about AI.
I have been working very hard to have AI replace you, Sona. Oh.
And I have thousands of servers trying to learn Sona's rhythms. Impossible.
They've all exploded. They've exploded.
And they're in these salt mines. I keep them in salt mines deep under the ground in Utah.
And I've spent most of the money I've made in show business on all these servers. Oh, thank you.
They overheat and explode because they cannot match the Mavsessian rhythms. They don't make sense.
AI can't figure it out. She just moves at a different speed.
Who's she? She's so, I, me. Oh, you're talking about yourself? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What are you talking about the creator? Oh God. Oh,.
Can I just say, if an AI came in and just said nothing that made sense, I'd be like, that's a great AI of Conan. I know.
Yeah, there's plenty of those. Yeah.
What do you mean plenty of those? What do you mean? AIs that don't make any sense. Oh, yeah, yeah.
I'm just saying. It's getting so good, though.
I have friends. Not the guys I'm talking to.
What? These AIs. Do you have a relationship with an AI? I do.
My wife is an AI. Do you? She's a beautiful AI.
Well, I had to splurge in one area and then scrimp in another. So, I don't know.
I, you know, look. I did have a conversation with a Shakespeare AI once.
Like, you could go to this website. Okay? Matt.
Hold on. Don't make fun of me.
No, no. let's hear him out.
We need some content for the top of the show. So far we haven't really hit a gusher, so let's hope this is it.
Unless you think I'm some kind of nerd, I only ask them about James Bond. So you talk to an AI Shakespeare.
So you have a lot of free time. That's what I'm getting from this story.
No, I'm busy talking to Shakespeare Shakespeare on AI how did you find that someone sent it to you and was like oh you'd love this Matt maybe someone sent it or I heard about it like on a show or something I don't remember this was early AI days though oh okay because you wouldn't do that now no I'm too was AI before it was cool. You were doing AI back in the 80s.
Yeah, I was. When it was basically Pong.
Yeah, war games. Did you guys hear that...
Sorry to bust it. No, anything.
Anything. Yeah.
Because there's an old saying here, oh, it doesn't matter what you three talk about, it'll be good. This is proof that it's not.
Well, I want to sit there. We need this anyway, because I'm going to add all that out.
We you go ahead. Let's start again.
Oh, hold on a sec. Hey there.
Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. We're doing it.
Do over. Yeah, we're going to do it over again.
We can't start over. Because you know what? I don't want to do that again.
Guess what? Yeah. That was a terrible top.
No. And no.
No. Let's do it again.
Do it again. And go.
No one's limbo bar is lower than yours. You're like, hey, man, it was great.
You guys were talking and there was talking. People love this shit.
And go again. Go again.
Hey there and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. And we're going to get a good top out of this show if it's the last thing I do.
What do you mean get a good top out of this show? It's the beginning of the show. Top of the show, baby.
Okay, I'm starting again because that was, your instincts today are awful. Okay.
And yours are too. You both suck.
Here we go. You suck.
The fish rots from the head, sir. You suck.
That's right, thank you. Your suckiness is trickling down.
The fish heads rot from the top. Yeah.
Hey, Conan O'Brien here. Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend.
We have tried seven times to start this podcast and the assists I'm getting from my fellow players are just terrible. Instead of passing me the basketball, you guys are tossing it into the stands and then shooting yourselves with a German Luger.
Matt, how are you? I talked to Shakespeare AI the other day. You got to hear me out on this.
I'm telling you. Why are you so determined to ruin the top of the show? This is important to me.
I've always wanted a good top of the show. I'm sorry.
That's ridiculous. It's been my dream since I was a kid.
Hey, I saw two coyotes this morning. Hey, now we're onto something.
What were they doing? They were crossing the street and I was terrified seeing them do it. It was very frogger.
That happens every day. No, but it was like really heavy traffic.
And I was like, they're going to die. Oh, you were worried for them.
And then I was like, do I want? No, I was rooting for the coyotes. I don't want them to die.
No, that's what I said. You were worried for them.
But they'll tear Oki apart. You know what? Can I just say something, Matt? Everything you've contributed today sucks.
You're throwing in. You're not helping.
I'm understanding her. And you keep throwing She misunderstood me.
Throwing these giant steel anvils into the conversation, and clanging away, and now you're giving me a rap, like, we got it. Yeah, it's not out of time.
No! We're out of time. No, we're not out of time.
We're gonna get something good. So you saw two coyotes, did you? I did! Tell me about it.
Now, I'm taking away your speaking privileges for the next year. So, Sona, curious.
Curious about these coyotes. A lot of people in this world haven't seen a coyote.
It's like a dog only skinnier. Hey, you know what? It is.
It's like a dog only skinnier. And every time I see him, I'm like.
You're trading my content for this? Shut up. I'm on fire right now.
She's on fire. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She's got a hot hand and you keep knocking her royal flush out of her hand and you're playing hungry, hungry hippos in the corner like a drunk idiot.

Go ahead, Sona. Yeah, you're off.
I'm on

today. So the coyotes.
Yes, Sona.

So I'm watching them and I'm like, these

animals will kill Oki. Yeah.

Do I cheer for

their demise or do I want

them to live? And you know what? I want them to live.

Yes, I root for animals to live in the wild.

I do. Even if they're coyotes.
I root

for all animals everywhere. Man, Sona,

preach! Preach!

You were great today,

Sona. That was terrific.
We learned

about wildlife and about your neighborhood, and then

you. I'm so glad I seated the floor

for that. That was really top-notch.

Also, I spoke to a Shakespeare

AI, and it was all cool.

I hate the opening, and I apologize to

everyone. I'm listening.

Hey, man, let's just start talking. And whenever we

Thank you. Oh, also, I spoke to a Shakespeare AI.
All right. I hate the opening, and I apologize to everyone.
I'm listening. Hey, man, let's just start talking, and whatever we say will be great.
And play will be like, yeah, man, it was really great. Look at all the laughs we're having.
I rest my case. We're having a good time.
Yeah. Do you want to start it again and then wrap? Yeah.
Hey, and welcome to Conan O'Brien. He's a friend.
I'm Conan. You don't need to know the rest.
You're going to love today's show.

My guest today is co-creator, showrunner, and writer of an actually good show.

The Emmy award-winning series that's thought about beforehand.

They don't just throw it out there like a bucket of diarrhea.

Hacks.

I'm thrilled he's here today because he actually makes something people enjoy that has thought, structure, content.

Paul W. Downs, welcome.

You didn't pause.

Oh, my God.

I'm thrilled he's here today.

Paul W. Downs, welcome.
I am an admirer of your work. Thank you.
Likewise. And of course, I want to shout out your cohorts on Hacks at the very top.
Your lovely wife. Yes.
Lucia. Lucia.

I want to make sure you said it first

because I was afraid

that I would...

Oh.

I was looking at like Lucia

but I've also heard it

pronounced Lucia.

Yep.

Lucia.

There's a lot.

Lucia.

It is a tricky one.

Jen Stotsky.

Yes.

I thought you were waiting

for me to say

which of the two

I was married to

because sometimes

that is a question.

I thought it might be

a throuple.

Hey, you're not alone

if you read the tweets. You know, I don't.
I don't, but I've heard. I write the tweets.
Okay. I'm putting it out there that it's a throuple.
Hey, from your mouth to- Because you know what? That gets a lot of heat out there. You just want the clicks.
That's all I want. It's about clicks.
Hacks is a wonderful show. Thank you.
And I'm always suspicious when a show is going to, and I've run into a bunch of times and I remembered saying this to Gene Smart and Hannah. I remember telling them when I've bumped into them that I'm suspicious when a show is going to portray people that are trying to create comedy, think of comedy.
I think usually it goes wrong because, and it's difficult, but if if you're trying if there's a movie that's portraying someone sculpting uh a sculptor's gonna watch it and go that's not how you do it well that's how sculptors talk what happened in austria this sculptor by the way was injured yeah i got that far a chisel fell on. A chisel fell from a high height and did the hurt his brain.

What happened?

I think he's attempting an accent,

but it's more of an actual disability.

This is an injured guy,

and this is not a foreign man.

This is a man who's...

Oh, it's not a foreign man.

No, no, he was just injured

by a high-falling chisel.

He's from New Jersey.

I mean, I'm Springsteen. But a very terrible, terrible injury.
I'm stupid. I'm so stupid.
I apologize. And the point that I'm going to get back to, which began as a compliment and then turned into probably just a horrible sketch.
It's almost impossible to do it. And then you guys come up with hacks and I see people struggling to create comedy and then perform comedy.
And I think, oh, I think that's the closest I've seen to how it really is. And of course, that comes from you guys being very talented, but also being still quite young and coming from this world.
Yeah. Yeah.
You started out, I mean, as a kid, you were making content all the time, even if it was just for yourself.

It was just for yourself. coming from this world.
Yeah. Yeah.
You started out, I mean, as a kid,

you were making content all the time,

even if it was

just for yourself.

It was just for myself.

Yeah.

There was no social media.

There was no YouTube.

Thank goodness, I think.

You're 77 years old.

That's right.

That's right.

That's what it says here.

There wasn't even,

there wasn't even cellular,

actually.

Wow.

Yeah.

I had the stick and hoop

and I was making myself,

I was entertaining myself

with a stick and hoop. Sometimes you'd play with the butter churn yeah oh my gosh but you you were making content and this I can relate to because I don't think I needed an audience if I was in my room right I was doing this shit and I'm you seem like a similar fellow to me 100% 100% yeah and what an honor for you to say that.
But yeah, I would entertain myself in the mirror. I wish my son did that because now I have a toddler who needs a lot of attention.
And I was like, I entertain myself for hours. All you need is a mirror and delusion.
Exactly. I still have both.
In equal measure. Let's talk about your creation story.
It was interesting to me because the minute I saw you and your work, I thought, well, they're all improvisers. And then I find out that you started doing stand-up initially or dabbled in stand-up a little bit.
And it's interesting because I always knew. I mean, I did early, early on, I did some emceeing, but I knew I needed a gang.
I needed either my gang of writers or I needed my improv gang. I needed some kind of a squad that I understood early on.
When did you figure out that that was kind of what you were looking for? You know, I did sketch in high school. I did sketch and improv in college.
And then when I moved to New York, I was like, you know, I want to be an actor. I'm going to just audition for things and I'll do stand-up.
I'll try my hand at that because I idolized stand-ups and always loved watching stand-up. I watched like, you know, Premium Blend on Comedy Central growing up where there was a lot of female stand-ups who I admire a lot.
And so I tried it and I found it really lonely. I found it really hard.
I was also doing a lot of characters. And at the time, you know, I think there are like phases that standup goes through.
And at the time I would say, Hey, I have a couple of sound cues. Do you guys have tech? And they were like, what? They're like tech.
I was like, yeah, do you mind if I bring out a wig and a rattle? And they were like, all right, I don't think you belong here. And it didn't really work.
Seinfeld requested none of this. No.
And now it's so funny because now I see stand up and a lot of people have PowerPoints and they have tons of tech and a lot of sound, you know. So it's different now.
But when I was doing it, I for a minute and I mean a minute, I was probably four or five months after graduating that I didn't do improv.

And I did stand up, found it very hard.

And then I went to the Upright Citizens Brigade and did improv and sketch because I missed it.

You get to UCB and there you meet, you start to meet your people.

Yeah.

Not just Lucia, Jen.

Lucia.

Lucia.

I'm changing it.

It's like cappuccino.

You know, that's how you.

Lucia. Lucia.
Okay. I'm Con Conando Did you just get hit with a chisel? Conando Conando Yes Conando from New Jersey From Conando She's Lucia Our problem Excuse me I don't think they are I think they show a great caring It's empathy Thank you so much Yes And that's now recorded I can use that at at the trial.
Abby Jacobson, Leona Glazer, you start working with these hilarious people. This is where you start to find, oh, we're all like-minded.
We're in a groove here. That's such a magical moment, isn't it? It saved me, I think.
Especially moving to New York. And I don't know, you move to New York, you have survival jobs.
It's really hard. Living there is hard.
And finding people that were like-minded, had a similar sense of humor, was huge for all of us, I feel like. And it really, we found our people and started to make things.
And the rest is kind of history. It is the same thing, not just in comedy, but I think for musicians,

sculptors, it's across the board because I so remember kind of finding some of my group

in college and then getting out to LA and doing improv at the Groundlings and starting to find

my people. And you start to think, hey, I'm not crazy.
That was the first feeling I had is there were all those years where I just thought, well, something's wrong with me. And yes, there probably is.
But then you find other people with the same whatever it is, issues, malady, and you're all having fun. And you're meeting at a diner afterwards to talk down the show.
And it's things will replace that joy yes i mean i i i think about that a lot that i mean i we still do it i'm so lucky to still do it with my best friend and my wife but us doing shows and going exactly to a diner and talking about the show or talking about something we've watched or talking about a sketch we'd seen you know and it's weird it is like a it is like a special language share, I think, when they have a similar sense of humor. And that's not just comedians.
Of course, it's a deeper level in a way for people that try and do it professionally. But, you know, I feel like anybody that you have a similar sense of humor with and who can make you laugh, it's just such a unique and special thing.
Now, here's the interesting thing to me, or an area that's interesting, is that you have this world of making comedy, jokes, bits, sketches, inside references with your friends, and you're making content at UCB, you're putting stuff up, you're having fun, and then at some point, if you're very fortunate and also good at what you do, it turns into a business. And pressure is applied and expectations are applied.
And there are budgets and there's a lot of people around looking at you and saying, hey, what's going on today? And I've always found it interesting that one of the challenges is to make sure you still keep the joy in it when that is applied. And when I think about Hacks, this is a big show.
I drive around L.A. and there are giant buildings that are just dedicated.
They've been painted over the windows. People can't see out their windows anymore because Gene Smart's face has been painted over them.
It's blocking the view, yeah. Yeah, and it's a children's hospital.
These poor, sick kids. They need light surgery.
And they're operating in the dark. There's no vitamin D.
Because a giant can of eye binder. And I mean, it's terrible.
What's happening to children? Sorry again. It's a big show.
It's a big deal uh and it's a smash hit and so you've got to be adults yeah and you've got to meet expectations and you've got a big fan base but you also have to keep that silly joy going yeah do you talk about that for a little bit well that is so funny it's it's it's true i mean our first our first job job was um was on broad city and at comedy central it was a low budget show you know we didn't know if it would break through we didn't know if you would watch and we kind of it was like i was almost kids in a candy store you know there was just us figuring out how to make tv because we had never done it and you're doing it my favorite kind of comedy is when i can tell people are doing this for themselves. Oh, yeah.
And I think one of the things I loved about Broad City, and it's the same thing I would have said about classic SCTV or so many shows that I loved, is that I had the impression that they were doing this for themselves to make themselves laugh, and then I just happened to be stumbling upon it. Yes.
And that was some of the beauty of it. Yeah, totally.
And, you know, that we kind of showcase that in a way in episode four of the season when Deborah just looks at one person and looks at Ava, because I remember doing solo shows at UCB, several, which is embarrassing to say. I did several solo shows.
And sometimes no one would be laughing except Lucia. Yeah.
And I was like, okay, it's good. I must marry this one.
And then I will call her Lucia. Her true name, Lucia.
You're not fooling anyone. I've been to the DMV.
I know how you spell your name. But yeah, we try it.
I mean, and that's, I think the secret of this show's success is also that we continue to try and make each other laugh. I mean, that's what we do.
When the three of us are writing together, oftentimes we all write the same scene separately. And then switch and just highlight things we like.
And then we combine them. So it's almost like a third draft.
And all I'm trying to do is make these two women laugh. So it is for each other as much as it is for everybody.
And that was very true on Broad City. And it's still true on Hacks.
And Lucia always talks about following the fun. You have to follow the fun.
And we try and do that on set. And it's so hard when there's time and budgets and actors and crew and 300 people making something to balance all of that and still have the freedom to figure something out or to follow the fun of something is a real challenge.
But we

are there for each other to remind each other to do it, which is not easy. No, I wouldn't think it'd be easy, but I think you're also, you have such a funny cast of which you are a part, which is interesting.
You wear so many hats on this show, but Megan Stalter is so funny so funny you get me started on je gene smart who's um just uh she is she is funny in so many different ways yes and when i watch her perform i think she's she's not hitting one note she's not hitting five notes she can hit every note in the register and uh i'm so in awe of her and happy for her that you guys created this because she needed a role she's always been funny yeah but she this role shows you that she's funny and she can break your heart yeah i know she is so good i think you're right like we often talk about the the music of jokes and the sound and the rhythm and you know sometimes you have to you have to adjust an actor and help them make the sound you want she always knocks it out of the park and then gives us more and we're like oh my god she hit a note we didn't even know and it's so true that she also is so gifted as an actress that she plays those emotional beats in a way that i it's we we we cry at monitor a lot which is crazy crazy, you know, still. Right.

Because she can break your heart.

And she, yeah, she has been the funniest thing in so many things. I remember her on Frasier being so funny.
Or in the Brady Bunch movie, I was, you know, I was like, the horny neighbor is the funniest part. That's true.
I love the horny neighbor. It's so cool to have her show her range in the show.
I've always believed that your home should be an expression of who you are. That was my, I have that like tattooed on my low back.
Oh, wow. I could have had so many things tattooed down there.
Yeah. And that's what I chose.
Down there. Yeah.
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And when I think of you, I think of bros. Yeah, a bunch of us get on our hogs, our choppers.
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I'm one of those little trolley car things where just one guy pushes up and down, up and down, and it goes on the train. On the train track? Yeah, and I've got my Miller Lite with me.
With your crew? With my WAC pack. Yeah.
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Look it up. Women have been just such a big part of your comedy experience.
I mean, you look at not just Lucia, not just Jen. I'm going to say it.
Lucia. Lucia.
Oh, my God. I actually think you might be talking about a different person at this point who's who's i'm sure wonderful as well sure i'm talking about lucia al dente terrific comedy writer who lives on the island of sardinia um oh my god uh i'm never gonna say her name again it's funny because.
The first thing you did- I know, but I'm, can I say something? Maybe there is something wrong with me. Or maybe she and I have beef and this is my way of getting at her.
It's so passive aggressive. It's so passive aggressive.
She cut me off on the 405 eight years ago. And her license plate is Lucia, so he knows.
She can go by one name. And I rolled down my window.
I went, Lucia, Lucia from now on. And she said, what? You'll see.
I said, you'll see. Give this riff time to grow.
Okay. Jen, Lucia, Megan, you've got two powerhouse female leads.
It feels to me like this has always been your comfort zone is being around all these funny women. Broad City.
I was reading some article about you and it said that you had a revelation when you saw Young Frankenstein. Tell me what that was.
Well, so my dad is a comedy fan and I remember watching Young Frankenstein as a kid and loving it and of course I loved Gene Wilder in it and wanted to be Gene Wilder but I was really that my first like my foray into doing comedy was to do Cloris Leachman's lines yeah um or Valtine you know and just like stay close to the candles the stairs can be tre. Like, she was so funny in that movie.
And Terry Garr is so funny in the movie. And Madeline Kahn is so funny in that movie.
And so I always was like, well, I think the girls are funnier than the guys. And I'll say this.
Who in the world is funnier than Gene Wilder? Gene Wilder, that is maybe, that is my favorite performance of his, and it's so beautifully honed. And we're talking about the women in the movie.
I know. And I mean, he's one of the greats of all time, and he's giving the performance of a lifetime.
And not to take anything away from him, but I can understand that. That's a great movie for anyone to see and learn very quickly that women are the funniest people in the room.
Yeah, 100%. And it's true.
I mean, Gene Wilder in that movie is so good because it's so grounded and yet so screwball and so crazy. He's just incredible in it.
But I felt that way also. I was a Nick at Night kid, so I watched a lot of Nick at Night.
watching i love lucy or mary tyler moore it was always it was always it was oftentimes a female story that i liked i also you know i was never a jock i was never you know what i mean i never yeah i know can you believe it um i was a jock and then about a year ago what yeah we'll talk about you stopped you hung up you hung up the bat you retired to that yeah most people assume I'm a real jock. You were saying, I'm sorry, I interrupted you with my stupid.
No. But you were saying that you were noticing early on in Nick at Night, you're watching all these women.
And a name you didn't mention, it was a thrilling moment for me. There's a moment where this season where Jean Smart goes to a cardiologist just to get a checkup.
And in room she sees carol burnett yeah we had a carol burnett on the podcast about a year ago i've met carol a bunch of times and i will never be jaded i'm always walking on air afterwards yeah and she is still so sharp and so funny and she was great in that playing herself. Unbelievable.
Unbelievably funny. Unbelievably sharp.
Wanted to, had things to add. Was like, you know, I can do a Carol Channing impression.
There was so much that she did. I can juggle.
Yeah, I mean, honestly, it was really amazing. And we shot that at Television City, steps away from her stage, where she shot the Carol Burnett show, which we had, you know, asked permission to feature last season when we shot there just to just to show it because she's such a inspiration for us and we needed somebody in this season that deborah vance could get sage wisdom from and look up to and like who better than carol burnett and the fact that she responded to the show and wanted to do it i mean it was a goosebump moment for all of us it was it really crazy.
The show delves into late night this year, which was fascinating for me because there are things that you cite in the show that I've lived through. And so I'll get a little bit of PTSD from watching it, but it's also really funny and apt, you know, like getting notes or this is what we heard about, you know, in the early days of my late night show, um, research and what are people saying and what do we need to try and adjust? And it was all stuff that just felt impossible.
I'm kind of reliving it a little bit through your show, but you guys are doing a very good job of hitting a bunch of the nerves, which means you're getting it right. That's good.
That's good. I mean, you know, obviously, like we talk about you and your shows a lot and we did a lot this season making it and we tried to get it right, you know.
Oh, yeah. And just writing the show about making the show was so stressful and so hard.
I'm like, I didn't do five shows a week and have to do monologue jokes right and yet i i viscerally i felt the pressure of that it's crazy there's a great moment where um deborah vance is trying out she's meeting the new writers for the first time and they're going around the room and there's one people are throwing out funny ideas and then there's one writer who's new who who's just like, yeah. And then he says something that's not that funny.
And then she farts. Yeah.
And then she farts. Because she farts.
Which by the way. Which is funny.
It's very funny. Sorry.
I would say head writer. Yeah.
Right away. He's promoted.
Yeah. The fart guy's promoted.
Yeah. Get fart guy back.
But anyway, he does it twice, and you see Gene Smart notice it, and then Gene Smart writes on a piece of paper and slides it over to Hannah, and it says, Riff Killer.

Which is such a great, because it's a little inside baseball, but we call it riffing, which is people are in a room, they're coming up with good ideas riffing. And then she just sides across Riff Killer because we've all been in a room

where things are cooking.

And then one person in the room is like,

yeah, and then maybe it's George W. Bush.

And everyone has to reset.

No one wants to be a dick.

Yeah, exactly.

And we all go-

Eduardo's pointing to Blake.

Oh, Blake.

You know it's me. Okay, but I don't...
You don't need to pretend I'm right here. You don't need to just talk about it.
Some people are riff killers. He thought it was a compliment, so he got it tattooed.
He got riff killer tattooed on his low back. That's nice.
Riff killer. But anyway, I love that moment.
And then I have to bring this up, which is because I just watched it last night. There's a scene where this killed me.
It's a very funny joke and nonsensical. But Jean Smart, Deborah, has stolen, is trying to steal a guest away who would have been on Kimmel.
And Kimmel's confronting her and saying, look, you know, I get this guest. You don't get this guest.
She's trying to get Kristen Bell on her show and Jimmy Kimmel confronts her and says, you don't get Kristen Bell because she always does my show. She's been doing, I got sort of possession of having her as a guest after Conan died.
And you know what I loved about it is that it said with no one questions it, it's just like after, since Conan died, you know, I get her after Conan died and it's just like, that's understood. And I'm laughing because no one questions it.
But in that universe you're dead and you can never be on that show except the flashbacks. Oh no, don't say that.
We definitely want you on the show. We do.
I think we've settled that score. No, no.
No, no. I'm kidding.
I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
But it was so funny to me. It's such a funny...
I always like jokes that, upon examination, they make me laugh on a guttural level, but they also don't make sense. It makes no sense.
And he says it the way we all know that Charles Lindbergh is dead. You know, it just, it was so funny.

It was such a great moment. I have to give him credit

because, you know, that was a Jimmy Kimmel

improv line. Oh, wow.

So I did not write that line. That's great.

Let me write that down. Okay.

He will be repaid

in kind.

I can't wait to mispronounce his name.

Jamey.

Jamey Kamel. Jamey,.
Jame, Jame, Jame.

Lucia.

Lucia, have you met Jame? So you're very much alive in our universe. And I do mean it.
I want to say it here. We would love to have you on the show.
Oh, I would. We would absolutely love it.
Then we can come up with a way that I was resuscitated. I's a joy to watch.
And I think one of the things that's interesting to me is it's all about like a magician makes you believe in the illusion. And so I know it's a TV show, but you guys have me emotionally invested in what happens to Deborah Vance and does this late night show work.
And I hope this late night show works out. Currently, things seem a little wobbly, but I'm emotionally invested in it, which means you're a very good illusionist.
Well, thank you. You've created this world that I'm completely invested in.
Thank you. I mean, a lot of that credit goes to Gene and Hannah as well for making these characters so real.
I feel that way too. I mean, I know we write the show, but they feel so real to all of us.
And I think they do now to them as well. There are some scenes this season when I think both Jean and Hannah do some of their best work in the show.
And we're like, God, that was good after. And they're like, I just said it because I feel, you know what I mean? Now it's like so in their bones.
They feel these characters are so real. I think something Hannah does really well, just as an observer, is that she clearly wants a maternal figure.
She wants a connection with this incredibly tough, you know, Jean Smart character. And she wants this so badly, but she also knows she has to be tough.
And there's this great moment where, without giving anything away, but she gets a hug from Jean. And you see Hannah kind of melt a little bit because she's getting that connection that she really wants from not just her comedy hero, but also someone who she has a real connection with and cares about.
And you see her soften a little bit and then Jean Smart reveals that she's doing it just because there's a camera on the way. And that's why she's doing it.
And she needs to make it look good for the camera and you see the heartbreak. I mean, Hannah is killing it.

She is incredible.

Yeah.

She is incredible.

And she does, like you're saying, so much sometimes with no dialogue.

You know, she's so funny and she's such a good stand-up herself.

But yeah, she's so incredibly good.

And it's hard, I think, to be that good.

I mean, obviously, your scene partner does a lot of the lifting and helps you out.

But to do what she does with gene is really incredible i don't know i i don't work with people that lift me up oh well yeah it's hard when you have to lift everyone up i know it's hard can i just say for a second i feel like i'm an olympic swimmer and i have two cinder blocks around my neck okay you stronger. That's pretty good.
You do? Oh, I see. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We test you and make you stronger. You're welcome.
That's what you want. And we're actively trying to drown it.
It's called drag. It's called drag when you have cinderblocks as a swimmer.
I was a swimmer, even though I wasn't a jock. Oh, okay.
You need the drag every now and again. You need a drag.
I do. I do it.
I do need it. Your character, Jimmy, your relationship with Kayla, Megan Stalter, is, I will say this, I haven't seen, I don't think I've seen that relationship on TV before.
Do you know what I'm talking about? I love, love, love that relationship. It's a relationship.
It's a dynamic that I have, and I'm flipping through my comedy nerd mind trying to find the same thing. And I'm like I don't think it's there I think that's a new thing you've cracked thank you I mean you know she's over the top insane so insane so you are trying a much more I love that you are you and I have some experience with an insane assistant oh my god but you know what I'm saying no I don't know what you're saying.
I'm nothing like her. I do, but I love how different...
What the fuck are you looking at me like that, Paul? I'm just looking. I'm just laughing.
We have hours of footage of you acting insane. Oh, there's not enough footage of you being insane? I'm the star.
I'm expected to be insane. At least Paul's character is like a normal person.
He's a normal boss. Yeah, you're insane.
I love how patient you are. Your character is, Jimmy is with Kayla.
It's to an, and that's, some of the comedy is to an absurd degree. And it reminds me a little bit of, one of the things that makes Groucho so funny is Margaret Dumont.
Because Margaret Dumont, he's acting insane. And she's next to him, oh, oh, Croucho.
And then, well, anyway, let's move forward when anyone else would say, I'm getting the fuck away from this person. But what makes it work is you, you can't, the whole dynamic of yes and is you are sticking with, with Kayla, with Megan Stalter.
You're going to stick with her and she's going to have awful, awful ideas with great confidence. Yes.
Yeah, she's somebody who, well, Megan is so funny and so, so good in everything she does. But when we, this is one character we kind of ripped from real life.
This is based on a couple of assistants that people that we've worked with have had and that we've experienced. Right.
Sometimes who are nepo and have entitlement, but also a little bit of insecurity, like having this extreme confidence and yet nerves is a really funny dynamic. And that is a duality that Meg plays in some of her original characters.
So we were like, she would be great for this. And yeah, we thought it was really funny to have somebody who is in the beginning, at least both his assistant and his boss kind of, because her dad owns the management firm that they work for.
And now, your initial problem is, how do I get rid of this assistant? And now you're partners in this season. And I love that you just keep turning up the dial on.
And what's also great is occasionally she has a good idea. Yeah, that's the thing.
I do think that's true in the entertainment business and in management. You have to sometimes

think outside the box and be insane. And Jimmy is not insane.
He's very by the book. He's very earnest.
And sometimes those crazy ideas actually work. So weirdly, she is a better manager than she is assistant.
She's terrible at being an assistant, but she has some out of the box ideas that especially this season that really do work. I want to ask you a little bit about the dynamic of your comedy partner is also your romantic partner.
And that's something that fascinates me. My wife is super smart, really funny.
We've never collaborated on anything. I've always thought, huh, that's like a Bermuda triangle that I have not gone into.
And maybe we will someday, but how does that dynamic work? Or did it just, you always knew it was going to work. Well, we started, we were on an improv team together and we started doing sketch videos before we were ever dating.
And it was in making those things because she's so smart and funny that attracted us to each other. And so we started dating kind of after we were already working together a bit.
And, but she's my, she's she's the best audience you know she's the person that i want to make that it feels the best to make sure she has such a good laugh and i love making her laugh so and it's been a real um cheat for us to work together not just because we have each other as an audience and as cheerleaders but also you know in this business you don't see your spouse if you're working as hard as we're working so thank we're on set together. That's really nice.
You know, we get to be together. I think it's different for different people.
But I mean, you know, your wife being smart and funny, you know what it's like to make that person laugh. Yes.
You know what I mean? Like it's part of the romance. If I can make my wife really hard.
And also, if she can really laugh and she makes me really laugh, that's the glue. Yeah, that's the glue.
That's the long-term glue that's right have you ever wondered

if lucia said yes just because it accepted your proposal just because she was yes anding you because of improv training honestly i had that's a fair question i had until now but you know what she is a very good improviser you know what i mean yeah what was she gonna do you put out a scene You laid it out there.

Will you?

And she has to say yes and we'll have a child. She's trained to not say no.
You're right. Well, I'm saying that's the best.
That's what I mean. I married an improviser too, and this is making me really look back.
Usual suspects. And guess what? It was during a sketch, wasn't it? It was, yeah.
And then you afterwards were crying and said, you said yes. You have no oh god well you know didn't you you guys uh had your first your only child is the only child yeah only your only child during the making of hacks yeah well you know funnily enough we weren't we were not planning to get married we were like oh well we'll just won't get married and you know we don't need to do that and then there was a point in time when i was like well i want to i want to get her a ring and i'll and i'll and i'll i'll float it i'll float it thinking that she'd be like we've talked about this we've talked about this we're not going to get married yeah um and she said yes and because we had been together at that point for 15 years so we've been together for a really long time.
But we weren't going to have children.

And so we did end up getting married.

We thought it would be a nice way

to celebrate our time together

with our friends.

I'm telling you,

it's all improv.

Yes, and.

Yes, no kidding.

That sperm and the egg were like.

That's right.

They were doing their own scene.

An improv class with sperm and egg.

They were, yeah.

It was their own scene

and they crushed it.

They crushed it. I worked, they crushed it.

I love that idea.

And scene.

Sperm.

You work at a gym.

Egg.

This is your first time at the gym.

And go, you're pregnant.

Actually, no, it's crazy.

We didn't find out.

We had been traveling and she had missed one of her periods.

And basically we found out when she was two and a half months pregnant. So the next day, we saw a heartbeat and that was two weeks before our wedding.
Oh my God. So we got married, came home, started season, that was season two.
We were shooting season two and then he came early. Again, this is like, again, sperm and egg doing their own thing.
He came early on his own time, and it was while we were shooting. And so she did direct between contractions because she was directing that day.
I know. I know, which is mentally unwell.
I mean, it's really, it's badass and so cool. It's pretty badass, yeah.
But it's also. She's earned the right to be called Lucia.
Yeah, oh, good. That's what it takes.
Now she's earned it. You know, now I've.
I'm sorry, Lucia, you're gone now. It's Lucia now, rest in peace.
That's unbelievable. Yeah.
That's unbelievable. So it was a crazy year.
It was a really, really crazy year. What's cool too is that as you go on through your career, you have this document, the actual show where, I mean, in a weird way, I don't think about this much, but I have it too, because I met my wife on a remote shoot.

We went to an advertising agency

and people look it up online all the time.

Oh, wow.

And I'm there just doing the Conan thing

where I'm on a remote, being an ass.

And then I just start talking to this one woman in the room.

Within seconds, I'm not even trying to be funny.

We're just talking about,

yeah, no, my dad, right.

And so, okay.

And you like cats?

That's funny.

Well, I've not even adopted.

I had a cat when I was a kid.

And we're going to go to the next slide. I'm not even trying to be funny.
We're just talking about, yeah, no, my dad, right. And so, okay.
And you like cats? That's funny. Well, I've not even thought, I had a cat when I was a kid and my producer was listening on headphones outside the office where we were doing all this remote.
It's like, what the fuck is he doing? So we have us meeting. Wow, that's really cool.
Then we have the episode where I'm just back from the hospital because my daughter was born. That's really cool.
And I'm talking about it on the air. Then we have the episode where I'm just back from the hospital because my son was born.
I mean, I haven't really thought about it that much till this moment now, but those are weird documents. I remember bringing my son when he was little and no, I brought my daughter to work right after she was born.
Not right after but you know the doctor said yeah she was still umbilical cord was stretched over ninth avenue cabs weren't hitting it it plays a low e note but anyway she's uh i brought my daughter in when she was old enough to come into and and was sitting at the i and i i saw tina faye recently and we reminisced about this because i said tina i will never forget tina was up in 8h rehearsing um saturday night live and i'm down on six on the late night set and i'm sitting and i'm holding my daughter and one of the cameramen zoomed in on my daughter.

Suddenly double doors fly open and Tina comes running in and she was like,

give me that baby.

This is before she had her own daughter,

but she was like, you could see that she had a baby fever

and she was like, give me that, oh my God.

And she, I almost didn't get Nev back.

And then it wasn't long afterwards

that she had her own daughter, but it was,

I have all these memories that are my show work

Thank you. And I almost didn't get Nev back.
And then it wasn't long afterwards that she had her own daughter. But it was, I have all these memories that are, my show work is intertwined with, you know, meeting my wife, falling in love, getting married, children.
It all becomes a piece. And that's going to be part of all the work that you do going forward, even after Hex.
It'll all be entwined. Yeah.
I know. We think about that a lot.
We actually, you know, we talk about the show like our first child in a way. Because it is like raising a child in a way.
And then he came and now has a sibling. You know? And he visits that sometimes.
And there's so much. Now we have a lot of...
And they fight. And they do fight.
Yeah. Well, he just really wants to go to Crafty that's all he cares about but now we have a lot of footage of because Gene is also Gene is similar to Tina Gene really wants Luca whenever he's on set and they have a great relationship and she threw my wife's baby shower and so we have all these photos and videos of him on set with Gene and you know know, sitting at Debra Vance's desk as like an infant.
And it is really cool that we'll have that. That's great.
Forever. Yeah.
That's, well, I'm, you know, I mean, it's funny because after a while, I always think back to the I Love Lucy show where Lucy goes to the club to tell Ricky that she's pregnant. And it's just fascinating to me because that was a show business relationship in real life, but also they were doing a show about that.
And then you saw all the ways in which it was intertwined. And we go by Polly Lou, that's our moniker, which is a nod to Desilu.
We don't have a show about our life, but we have a show that is our life. You play the bongos.
That's right. I wish.
I wish. Jimmy could pick up the bongos.
That would actually be good. He starts smoking a lot of weed and does the bongos because Kayla just drives him off the deep end.
That might be actually a good... We need something new.
We need something new for Jimmy. A new year.
I can help you with that and I'll be on set to pitch. I also want to give a personal shout out to an old fellow performer.
One of the first things I ever did on stage was a show called Happy, Happy, Good Show. I did it with Robert Smigel and Bob Odenkirk in Chicago in 1988 during a writer's strike at it.
And so we were at SNL and we went to Chicago and put up this very weird sketch show. And there I met Rose Abdu.
Oh my gosh. And Rose Abdu was hilarious and great.
And I'm just so delighted that she's on the show. She is so funny.
She's always note perfect. She is perfect.
And I tell you what, we've now,

whether it's at South By or at screenings

at the Pally Fest,

we've shown now

a bunch of episodes

to a live audience.

She kills.

She always knocks it

out of the park.

It's crazy.

She comes on for one pop

and always knocks it

out of the park.

She is a trooper.

She's like a vaudevillian trooper.

But I've looked at,

not long ago,

I found a program from Happy Happy Good Show. I think I'm 25.
I'm 6'4". I think I'm 155 pounds.
And there's a sketch where I'm supposed to be. Exactly.
Damn. The cinder blocks.
Jock or weather vane. You'd be the destroying.
Pole balter. Yeah.
No, the pole. The actual pole.
And I think it's a sketch where I'm, yeah, it's a sketch where all of us are supposed to be naked, but I'm holding a guitar and you can see my body and it's a freak show. Not that it isn't now, but oh my God.
but Rose is in the picture and all of us are just

really hopeful,

like,

we'll get there somehow.

It's just,

it's sweet.

It's a really sweet memory for me.

Yeah.

She's been doing it for a long time

and she is so good.

I'm really glad that she's

a part of the family

and she named the character.

It was a different name

and we said,

she said,

I'm going to base this on my aunt

and my mom.

And we said,

okay,

do you want to choose the name?

And she said,

Josefina.

I was like,

great.

She was like, I have it ready.

Yeah.

Then she renamed your wife.

Yeah, exactly.

And you are Lucia.

No, it's Lucia.

Luciana.

Luciana.

Am I the only one

who've noticed

that you have

the most amazing eyes?

Oh, come on.

And I have,

I've seen it on TV,

but in person,

I think I've fallen in love

with Paul throughout this interview.

Oh my gosh.

That's so funny.

Very deeply in love with you

Well, I think one of us has to call your wife. I am very happy for you.
Thank you. Massive congratulations.
If you ever want me to play a parking lot attendant on your show... We need you on the show.
I'm not kidding. Well, whatever.
Whatever you guys want me to do. A parking lot.
You exist in that universe. No, I'm dead now.
No, you're not. No, you've been demoted to parking lot attendant.
If you don't have a late night show, you're dead. Yeah, yeah, exactly.
I think that was his. Yeah, yeah.
It's all good. I'll do whatever you guys want me to do.
It doesn't matter. And I have no ego about it.
I'll do craft services on this show. Oh my God.
My son would love you. Yeah, seriously.
Just give him some Pirate's booty. All chocolate, Pirate's booty.
But anything to help get an oar in the water,

like this show needs any help.

I think you've won.

It's insane.

I can't even get into how many Emmys you've won,

Peabody, but all well-deserved.

And makes me happy, always does,

when these youngsters out there, and you are youngsters,

are doing really good, fantastic work and killing it, makes me, by association, proud. So, thank you.
I'm glad you feel that way because we admire you and your work so much. And you know, Jen, my co-creator, interned for you and has amazing stories about that.
Covered your assistant's desk and was very nervous and said that you were not only funny but kind and

what?

yeah

cuts on his mic

depends on who

she's a very good assistant

I think

oh wow

she knows how to play it

okay

oh he was very kind

suddenly

Bugatti shows up

outside her door

with a bow on it

thanks for playing along

Conan

anyway Hacks it is season four now. Is it season four? We're in season four, yeah.
Yeah, you're in season four. And I'm five shows through and loving it.
Thank you. And keep doing what you're doing.
Thank you. Please.
I know you were thinking of stopping. Yeah.
I almost retired last year. I'm encouraging you to continue.
And then I said, I'll keep going. No, it was this podcast.
Yeah, actually. You walked in your own like, I think we're going to stop now.
Too much success. Well, now I can retire.
You know, I mean, this is, I actually, you know, I always wanted to be on your show. Oh.
And, oh, it was a dream. And so this is a dream.
But, you know, I saw you once and i said to my wife i'm gonna go up and introduce myself and just tell them that i'm a fan everyone likes to hear that they have fans and she was like so you can you can edit this out if you want if you want to keep privacy and anonymity but it was at the hotel du cap yeah okay so i'm at the hotel du cap and i was there on a junket i got sent there but they love you there you're on the wall oh really They have a signature of yours on the wall. Yeah.
Okay. So I'm at the Hotel du Cap.
I was there on a junket. I got sent there.

But they love you there. You're on the wall.
Oh, really? They have a signature of yours on the

wall in the bar. The Hotel du Cap is not a hotel that I would book myself.
I was sent there because

I'm not the kind of person. Look, I like a nice hotel.
I like a nice hotel. Where is this hotel?

Oh, it's in Eden Rock on France. Like near near Cannes near Cannes and I got sent there they said do you want to go and do this panel there and we'll fly you and your wife and this is a legendary hotel it's insane and I get there and they're throwing some big shindig and I do my thing and I'll never forget seeing me? Bon Jovi oh bon jovi we'll get to you okay seeing bon jovi and and bon jovi and i say oh hey man what are you doing here and he went they flew me in just to sing you know like a cob on a steel and i said you're guys singing one song he's like like that's it and they're covering I thought, show business, I haven't experienced this a lot.
This is fantastic. But anyway, so did we encounter each other? So no, because I, so we were actually, we weren't even staying in the main hotel.
They have like a little annex that's less money. And so, because I wasn't flown.
I paid for it. But we were on a budget.
So at dinner, I said to Lucia, I'm going to take all of the baguette in the basket. And I put baguettes in my pocket.
I love this. And so we get back to the hotel.
We had had some French wine. And I said, oh my God, there's Conan.
I have to go say hello. And she said, babe, you have baguettes in your pocket.
Your pockets are stuffed with baguettes. You would love that.
You're going to look like Jean Valjean. You look like he's stolen food.
Just wait until maybe you meet him properly one day. No.
I know. I want to say.
No, he's got baguettes in his pocket still. I know.
Well, honestly, I would. I love bread.
Oh, me too. First of all, she was wrong.
Okay, she's Lucia again. Demote it to Lucia.
Lucia. No, are you kidding? I would have loved that.
I should have done it. I would have loved that.
And as I think you will attest, you would have said, oh, I don't want to bother Conan O'Brien. You would have come up to me.
We would have started chatting. I would have asked you some questions.
And then within 10 minutes, you'd be saying, I think I have to go. That is the usual experience.
I should have done it then. That would have been huge.

And I would have been like,

oh, now I've got bread in my pockets too.

Let's do a bit.

Hey, let's meet tomorrow,

and I'll have bread in my pockets.

Be like, I don't think Conan, this is.

What roomian?

It's getting a neediness here.

Oh, that was good.

Yeah.

Needy.

Needy, yeah.

That was very good.

Very good.

Paul, thank you so much for making the time.

Congrats on everything.

And I'm real happy for you.

Thanks so much introducing searchlight pictures new movie the roses perfect couple ivy and theo rose played by benedict cumberbatch and olivia coleman have it all successful careers a loving marriage great kids but when theo's career comes crashing down just as iv Ivy's fame starts to skyrocket, a tinderbox of fierce competition and growing resentment ignites, threatening to destroy everything they've built if they don't destroy each other first. Directed by Jay Roach of Meet the Parents and written by Tony McNamara of Poor Things, The Roses is a sharp laugh-out-loud comedy about love, rivalry, and what happens when success becomes a battlefield.
Also starring Andy Samberg, Alison Janney, Shuti Gatwa, and Kate McKinnon. All's fair when love is worried.
In theaters everywhere, August 29th. Get tickets now.
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Every now and then we stumble upon a revelation

that really rocks our world.

And just the other day,

we found out that Sona, you were a Girl Scout.

Yes, I was.

I just don't see it.

What do you mean?

Do you?

It's kind of shocking.

Yeah, it is a little shocking.

You're a rule breaker.

Yeah.

You're a rebel, you know?

You're the pinky Tuscadero, you know?

I still remember my pledge.

I live by my pledge. And I think that I, I think that I- What's the pledge? On my honor, I will try to serve God.
I've already lost it. Oh my God.
And my country. So far you're batting a thousand.
To help people at all times. And to live by the Girl Scout law.
Okay. And yeah, I do that.
I always do that. So you're welcome.
Do you think that you upheld the Girl Scout code when you were my full-time assistant? I helped people at all times. But what about me? I helped people at all times and I lived by the Girl Scout law.
So, you know, I did my best with you. You do very well in a Senate contribution.
I know, it does sound like that. The Senate votes unanimously that you are the new Secretary of the Interior.
I do not recall. So that's what I'm going to say.
Did I always help you? I do not recall. So how did you get into the Girl Scouts? Whose idea was it? Was this something that your parents came up with or is it something you wanted to do? I think my parents, I think they wanted to get us into American stuff.
And so they signed me up as a Girl Scout when I was really young. I was a Daisy and then I became a Brownie.
I think that, no, I was a Brownie, then I became a Junior. And so- I don't know what the ranks are.
It starts off at Daisy. I thought Brownie was the beginning.
Daisy was like- Daisy's the baby. Brownie and then Junior and then it goes up but I stopped after Junior.
And then it's Reich Führer. Very top.
Oh God. Yeah, that's when you get a long leather coat and a riding crop.
It was fun though. I had a lot of fun.
In a Mercedes. Okay.
Well, we are joined by someone else on staff who we also can I share a photo and then it'll yeah

very good oh my god look at that Sona so serious I don't know why I'm holding the flowers like that Sona you look kind of like nonplussed about it all does look like you're curling the flowers it does

oh I just

this is incredible

look at you

yeah about it all. It does look like you're curling the flowers.
It does. Oh, I just...
I know. This is incredible.
Look at you. Yeah.
And a flower bearer at a funeral or something. But also, look at...
What do those markings indicate? Are those different awards that you won? Yeah, those are my badges. That's what it's all for.
Yeah, but what were the badges? Do you remember what your badges were for? I have no idea. I think it was like, I mean, it was the 80s and 90s.
It wasn't for flower holding. It was like, oh, I made applesauce.
Oh, look at me. I made a pie.
Oh, look, I learned how to sew. Yeah.
And camping and stuff. Yeah.
I bet Sona was really good at selling cookies, though. Oh, my God.
You just tapped into a thing. We would go in front of the Albertsons, and it was me and this troop leader's daughter, and we would battle it out to see who would sell more.
And sometimes we were so aggressive, we scared away customers. And you were just, and here's the thing, you were a little girl who scared away adults, and you were holding cookies.
We're in a brownie uniform. Look at that monster.
Look at that monster. Yeah.
Oh my God. You always be closing.
It's an assassin. Yes, you were a- Just an assassin.
You were a David Mamet play. Desperate.
These are the Glen- I want the Glen Gary leads. I can't sell these Milanos.
I want the Samoa leads. I want the Samoa leads.
These Milanos ain't selling. Milanos are not Girl Scout cookies.
And you should know that. I don't know.
How dare you? Oh, by the way, no one's bought more Girl Scout cookies than I have. Okay.
Because we have some moms here. Yeah.
That work here that have daughters. And all I do is buy Girl Scout cookies.
Buy the bucket load. Okay.
And I take none of them home. I don't eat them.
Well, you should know Milano's are not Girl Scout cookies. Okay, tell me what the cookies are.
There's Thin Mints. There's Samoas.
There's the, that's pretty much, oh, the Tagalongs are really good. The shortbread.
Okay. There's the lemon ones.
I mean, it sounds like, and what was your spiel

when you were trying to sell? Would you like to buy

some Girl Scout cookies? I bet your spiel was

more like, you're going to buy some fucking cookies.

Or you're going to have a flat tire

when you're done buying grapes. And you're

going to have protection from here on out.

You understand? I was smoking a cigarette

outside the Alba. You just wore a tracksuit.

Tracksuit with badges on it.

Tracksuit, badges.

You're smoking a bubblegum cigarette.

Look here, see?

Why are you carrying a tire iron, you old scout?

You like having knees?

Must be nice.

Look, you buy some tagalongs

and I won't be tagging along,

if you know what I mean.

Hey, I'm also going to sell you some Milanos.

They're not street cred. These fell off a truck.
Yeah, I don't think those are Girl Scout cookies. I said they fell off a truck.
Now, David, it was also revealed when you saw this picture of Sona, you said, wait a minute, I must add something to this. I was a scout you were a scout you were not only a scout you were an eagle scout I'm an eagle scout that's as high as you can go yeah you're lucky to have us yeah I know so wow both my assistants have risen in the ranks of one of the most prestigious blah blah blahs oh look at that picture.
That's so adorable. I think that that's me holding a participation trophy.
No, you got a slot car. You're doing a slot car race.
That was my Pinewood Derby car that I like built. Oh, look at David.
And then I lost. And that's my participation trophy.
He got a participation trophy. What does a participation trophy look like? I mean.
It's just smaller than the other trophies. But is it a figure kind of shrugging? It's a car.
It's a little car. Oh, it's a little car.
It's not even a car. It's just a blob.
That was a big day. Yeah.
I can tell. You've never been able to live up to that day.
You put in so much work and then you put your car up and it's over in like a second. David, you look no different.
Sona looks like, Sona has grown into an adult person. You look like, look at David and look at this little boy.
I need to get the round glasses again. Oh my God.
That is so cute, David. That's a very cute photograph.
Now, what kind of badges did you get? I mean, if you went that high, I mean, it sounds like Sona just had a couple of bullshit badges. No, seriously, like you didn't stick around that long.
You didn't have any badges. If we're in nature with the two of us, we could...
Yeah, we could start a fire. We could do that, I think.
could you start a fire, do you think, using just two sticks? No, I could with a lighter. Yeah.
Oh, wow, that's what they teach when the scouts now? You need to go into the woods and all you have is an acetylene torch and 17 pounds of beef. Soda got her fire badge from just leaving a curling iron on.
So what about you, David? I mean, we had to do like the camping one. The climbing one was awful because I had to repel from like a 30 foot tower and I was terrified.
But we didn't sell cookies. We sold Christmas trees.
Oh, that's nice. Wow.
Did they come to a certain lot or did you have to haul a tree around? They would come to a lot and then the Boy Scouts, we would just sit there and sell to everyone in Carlinville. And this is Carlinville, Illinois.
Shout out to Carlinville. Yeah.
And David has told me many stories about Carlinville. You're basically a local at this point.
No, I know all about Carlinville. I have gone on the local websites.
Yeah. You've shown me where you used to hang out, one of the two places where you could hang out in Carlinville.
Hey, Carlinville, Colonel O'Brien here. I would love to visit Carlinville someday.
Hey, I think I deserve a parade. There will be a parade.
No, David doesn't get a parade. Do they both get to be on the float? No! No, he's a local boy made good.
David drives the float. I'll still wave.
And our float will come in second. What is our float going to be? It's going to be the participation float.
I love that there's a float competition for Conan to visit. Yeah.
And because you're driving, we get the participation. Sona wins somehow.
I know. I will say this.
I trust you both with my life. And that speaks well of the Boy and Girl Scouts.
Because I think you're both exemplary people. I don't say that you have great skills.
And I wouldn't go turn to you if I was lost in the woods but you're both very good people they gave you a good moral code yeah we'll take it yeah yeah thanks so shout out to the scouts we took the oh hey scouts get a milano there's no reason why you just can't start putting milanos in there and no it's not a trademark name And no, I haven't looked into it. Just do it.
But anyway, and, and Carlinville, we'll be seeing you soon. We're going to be in the paper.
You just sexually harassed a city. These pictures can be viewed at Team Coco podcast on Instagram.
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Maybe it's time to turn up the heat. Or turn it down.
It's time for something that's not too spicy. Try Doritos Golden Sriracha.
Spicy. But not too spicy.
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