Lats and Longs

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Why does he say it, right, Sona?

Yeah, like, who needs a crust?

You've been saying that since the day I met you 15 years ago, Sona.

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Okay, let's get started.

Hey, Marta, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan.

Hi, everybody.

Hi, Marta.

How are you?

I'm just so happy to meet all of you.

This is really, this is right up there.

Now, it looks like you're either having an MRI

or...

Where are you?

You're in some strange environment that I can't identify.

Where are you right now?

Physically, you want my lat-longs or do you want to know what I'm sitting on?

You're in a boat.

Are you in a boat?

Oh, okay.

You're in a boat.

All right.

Okay.

When someone says, do you want to know my lat longs?

I usually think that means a boat.

Oh, latitude and longitude.

Yeah.

Sometimes in clubs, I go up to women and say, do you want to see my lats?

Oh, God.

No, no, no.

You shouldn't do that.

I know.

They asked me to stop.

So,

clubs,

he said, having never been to a club.

Your name is Marta.

Marta DeWolf.

This is what I know about you.

And you're on a boat.

Are you a real sailor?

Or how serious are you about sailing?

We're starting our eighth year.

Wait, eighth year sailing?

So

you've sailed the globe.

Well, with COVID, we got stuck in eastern Turkey.

So

we've gone about 22,000 miles.

Oh, my God.

Seven countries.

Yeah.

So you started sailing and you said we.

Who are you sailing with?

My husband.

Okay.

So the two of us.

The two of you sail together.

How big is the boat?

It's a catamaran.

It's 43 feet.

Okay.

It's a good size.

It's two people can handle it

quite efficiently.

Yeah.

We don't need anybody else.

Okay.

So you and your husband for a number of years now have been sailing together, circumnavigating the globe.

Is it treacherous?

I mean, I have to admit, I...

I used to be intrigued by the idea of sailing the globe.

And then I saw the movie Dead Calm.

It's Nicole Kidman's first movie.

And Billy Zane shows up and he's crazy.

And I'm so terrified of late 1980s Billy Zane that

I won't go on boats anymore.

I wouldn't mind it.

There's a reason I don't watch those movies.

And you also have to pick your crew really well.

Well, he wasn't even on the crew.

I think the lesson I took away from Dead Calm, and I'm going to take this away from your life now and just to the movie Dead Calm, Nicole Kidman's breakout performance,

was that they picked him up.

He was on another boat and he came, came, you know, rowing their way.

And you don't pick up anybody.

You don't pick up hitchhikers when you're on the high seas.

Is that a good rule?

Oh, no.

But yeah, it's treacherous.

We've been in a mini tsunami, two medicaines.

What's your name?

What's a medicaine?

It's a hurricane in the med.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

That's not fun.

I'm sure you would have known that.

I'm sure you would have known.

In the Mediterranean.

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

I'm sorry.

You're using all these terms.

You're not talking.

Yeah.

The three of us aren't pirates.

You know, it's a hurricane in the med.

I mean, medicaine sounds like something you'd take if you had a migraine, doesn't it?

So

have you ever thought this could be it?

We could die right now.

Yeah, last year we were in the Ionian near Zakynthos.

Okay, still I don't know what's happening.

Everything you say, Marta, is a riddle.

We were in a medicaine.

Where?

In Glip Glop, near the Chip Chop.

This is one of the Medicaines, and I could see the eye forming above us.

And we were six hours away from shore, and there were four water spouts around us.

And, you know, they flip boats.

So I did.

I called my dad and I said, do you know where my papers are?

That was the scariest.

But a lot of cool things have happened.

Like in eight years, we've had six or seven scary times that was the scariest but i would say 98 of it is just dolphins and mermaids oh you know very nice um

yeah i'm gonna ask you about your

relationship with your husband because i'm just thinking to myself if i was in a contained area with my wife and i love my wife my i love my wife my take my wife please no i love my wife but

but take it easy i haven't had my meds uh but i have

i had a medicaine uh your medicaine i uh

i'm just thinking of us being in a contained space having to work together she would jump on the ocean for eight years jump yeah she would she would start she would start swimming towards the crazy billy zane

what uh do you guys have times like that where you're really on each other's nerves oh oh yeah oh yeah yeah yeah did i say there were three bedrooms and three bathrooms

so

yeah so what is it but it's you know it it's helped our communication a lot because at some point

you have to let go of the small stuff because it becomes dangerous so we've it's really like we the kids left uh you know they they we became empty nesters and oh they didn't leave the boat

i got the impression

they left we took a hard

turn to starboard and they went over the side.

And so the kids left.

So, oh, you were empty nesters, and that's when you decided to hit the high seas.

That's when we decided, yeah, we wanted, we were pretty comfortable.

We wanted to get out of our comfort zone and just kind of see a little bit what we were made of.

And we thought we would do this maybe three years, but we're starting our eighth.

Wow.

So,

yeah, seven countries.

Incredible.

And I want to just get to the, if let's say you're not getting along with your husband,

what do you do?

I mean, you can't, do you just, you stay on your side of the boat and I'll stay on mine?

How bad has it gotten?

Well, there was a time during COVID in Turkey where we didn't talk for quite a while.

And actually,

I know this is Conan O'Brien needs a fan, but I would consider at one point you were, you three were my only friends.

Oh, wow.

I was, I was on the kayak and I would go kayak around Cleopatra's ruins and some of the only English-speaking people and you'd make me laugh.

You'd listen to our podcast when you were not getting along with your husband.

And laugh.

And he's like, oh, she's enjoying this

or whatever.

Let me ask you something.

Marta, did I drive a wedge between you and your husband?

Did you fantasize?

Did you fantasize about being with me and away from your husband

when things were on the rocks i'm sure this isn't the only relationship you've wedged yourself in between

oh it makes me sound like the intruder but uh

i uh listen i hope i didn't cause uh exacerbate any problems but it sounds like we brought you some joy at a dark time you you did and i've got to tell you i was in a crossfit class in in gallipoli in greece and i was cracking up in the corner and this lady came over to me and in her broken greece said

her Greek said, I haven't laughed like that in so long.

What are you listening to?

I want to laugh like that.

And so I showed her how to pull up your podcast on her

device.

And so there's a lady somewhere in Gallipoli, Greece, who's now cracking up laughing.

Maybe.

Maybe.

Or maybe she's going, I don't know what this is.

Marta is spreading the word.

I love that, Marta.

Paint the logo on your boat.

You know what?

sona has a good idea the conan logo on the side of your boat we'd pay you and i say that without

before before i've even checked with adam um

but i'm sure there's money in that we'll look into it and i say that knowing there probably isn't

all right i i i'll take uh

we'll get you a t-shirt i don't know yeah

it would be great

proudly where are you now in the world well let's see do you know where this flag is is from?

Of course I do.

Oh my God.

No, I don't.

I'm ashamed to say I don't.

It's three legs.

Oh, you're in Sicily.

Oh, hold that flag up again.

I've never been to Sicily.

I've always wanted to go there.

It's three legs coming out of a head.

It's supposed to be the shape of the island because the island's like a triangle.

But we're at the point where we need to lift the boat out because we do all the work ourselves.

We sand and paint and like today I we put the sails up because during the winter we take all the hardware off

and I sent my husband up the mast in the bolsa chair using the winch, but we're waiting for a phone call from Malta to see if they'll lift us out.

So it's a 12-hour sail from here and we'll head to Malta, lift out, sand, paint, and then head out to Greece.

What's that?

Yeah, so you're you're going to go there.

When you say lift out, they're going to take this giant catamaran you're in and using winches, they're going to take it out of the water and put it in

on dry land?

They can do what, yeah, they'll either use a crane or they'll use a sled, like it goes underneath the boat.

We've had both done.

So we lift it out every other year to service the engines and

paint.

We have to put more anti-fouling underneath, get all the barnacles off, and then paint it.

And we do all that work ourselves.

You do it all yourselves.

Wow.

So you've really challenged yourself.

Can I ask you about your life before all this?

Did you have a very conventional life?

I mean, this is a well, all that anti-fouling paint went to my head.

I don't remember much of it.

Yeah, I can tell you.

Pretty high

anti-fouling fumes.

You'd have to be.

You'd have to be.

So you guys, and where did you, what is your port of call?

Where did you leave from?

Where did you sail out of at the United States?

On the, well, we left, we bought the boat in France in 17.

And then so we sailed down the eastern, western coast of Portugal through Gibraltar and dot, dot, dot.

But we sold the house in Bellevue, which you know, Washington.

Yeah.

So that's where my wife is from.

She's not from Bellevue, but she's from Seattle.

Yeah.

So wow, you've

been listening for years.

I know all the of you all.

You're living.

I mean, this is a common, this is a fantasy a lot of people have, but they don't do it.

And I think because of Billie Zayn.

Um,

again,

I don't think anybody else has really heard of that movie much.

It's a big movie.

Is it?

Dead calm.

Yeah, it's a big movie.

Four people in this room have not heard it.

Only one person has.

It was a breakout movie for Nicole Kidman.

I mean, I remember Days of Thunder.

I think it left an impact on you.

Oh, it did.

It's kept me out of the water.

I don't even go near water because of Billy Zane.

And you'd think that would be because of the Titanic, but no, years before that, Dead Calm.

Listen, I took us what you could say way off course.

Okay.

I've always believed that your home should be an expression of who you are.

That was my mind.

I have that like tattooed on my low back.

Oh, wow.

I could have had so many things tattooed down there, and that's what I chose.

Down there.

Yeah.

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Yeah, we didn't let them have lunch.

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This is very cool what you're doing, I think.

And do you still keep in regular contact with your kids or do they not know where you are and haven't seen you in years?

They've all been to the boat.

And my father has come.

all the,

you know, it's interesting.

When my son first came, I said, like, if I were in Oklahoma, would you come see me?

And he's like, hell no, but you're on a catamaran in Greece.

So I'm coming.

And, and I get it.

You know, I get it.

He's just joking, but

it is pretty cool.

Yeah, sailing the Greek island.

It's really nice to have family.

The hardest part is where do we get our mail?

Did you sell your house to buy the boat?

Wow, you sold everything.

This is your life now.

Sold the house, the clothes.

Life of pirates.

I would dress up like a pirate and look for treasure.

Well, you sort of dress like a pirate.

Okay.

In general, we have found some.

You've found treasure.

Well, go ahead.

Let's get off.

Oh, my God.

Well, wait a minute.

Let's get off the sim cards and how the internet can be sketchy and get to you finding treasure.

I did.

I found some.

They're called

amphoras.

Yeah, amphoras, yeah.

Pieces of amphoras that are under the sea.

They are like little bottles, right?

And it wasn't an amphoras.

Well, they're big bottles.

A jug.

They would transfer.

Hold oil or wine.

Yeah.

Is there gold?

Is there gold in it?

No.

There's mosaics underneath.

This isn't the goonies.

She turns everything into the goonies.

I know you love the goonies.

I love the goonies.

I do.

So anyway, no, no, no.

Real treasure.

If the goonies were a realistic show, a bunch of kids who talked over each other

would stumble upon a bunch of

big old empty bottles of olive oil.

That's what they would find.

And they'd call it the rich stuff because kids don't know what treasure is.

They don't have to.

Horrible movie.

Can you imagine them on the boat?

Geez.

Yes, I can.

And I have.

I've dreamt about it.

Okay.

Let's move.

We got into dangerous shoals here, Marta.

Well, before we go, any advice for me on, do you think I have what it takes to sail the?

Do you think that?

I do.

I've actually got a few jobs for you.

If you decide to come to visit, so

we've got really high ceilings, so I think you would be fine.

And the first question I asked before I go anywhere.

Yeah.

And a king-sized bed, right?

And king-sized beds.

But

when you come, if you come.

to the boat, we would give you two jobs.

One, you could reef the main

and two, you can furl the jib.

And you can furl the jib by hand

because that's we don't have the electric winch for that.

And you're strong enough.

I know you are.

I'm a strong guy.

Yeah.

Thank you for saying.

And you can tell I'm strong just probably from looking at me or just from stuff I've heard.

I've heard you brag on the other part of the

word for it.

So

you're going off that bite from me.

Okay, that's not good.

Yeah, so reef the sail and

jib the jab.

Reef the main and furl the jib.

It's furloughed.

It's jib the jab, please.

This sounds like stuff I could do.

Will I do it?

I don't know.

Yes.

Go ahead.

Do you know the difference between port and starboard?

Like

the easy way to figure it out?

Give me the little quickie.

Yeah.

Okay.

Starboards to the

four letters.

Right.

Port is four letters.

Left is four letters.

And port, what color is port wine?

Red.

So everything's red.

Left is port.

else is starboard.

Oh,

that's I always knew that starboard was to the right.

I just did know that.

Oh, I didn't know that.

Yeah, I knew starboard was to the right.

And it's green.

Yeah.

And it's green.

Yeah.

So this is right up there with meeting the Michael Jackson of Albania in Albania.

I just want to tell you how to do it.

Have you met the Michael Jackson of Albania?

How's he?

In Albania.

Yeah.

Okay.

Oh, he's good.

He's really good.

Does he look anything like Michael Jackson?

Not at all.

Yeah, right.

Not at all.

And Sona, before we go, I want to tell you I went to the only Armenian village in Turkey, and there's 103

residents, inhabitants.

And I thought of you while I was there.

I thought, if I ever, I don't know if I'd write you a note or something, but I did think of you.

I thought, gosh, what?

Nice.

And it's really close to Syria.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Do you know what it is?

I was just thinking.

I wonder if it's the village my dad's from.

Zakifli?

No, that's not it.

Oh, my God.

Excuse me.

Okay, bless you.

Bless you.

That's very cool.

I'm allergic to her talking about Armenia.

No,

I just sneezed and it was an accident.

But Sona's father was born in a village, right, a long time ago.

And

Sivas, pastia.

No, Sivas.

That's in Turkey.

That's where Ashig Vesa was from.

Yes, that's where my dad's from.

See?

Wait, see?

This is cool.

He grew up, and you said that he doesn't even have a birth certificate or he got one.

Someone would come twice a year.

Well, yeah, they came and they, yes, yes.

Is his birthday on this birth certificate his real birthday?

No.

Right.

You know, but got it.

Is it a document that said he was born?

Yes.

It's very cool.

I love your dad.

Your dad's a cool guy.

Cool mustache.

Okay.

I knew his mustache was coming.

Marta,

I'll, you know, if we cross paths, I will try to help you on the boat.

I'm going to be honest with you, I'll probably just hang out and

get their snacks.

Most people think we lay around and drink chardonnay all day we don't as you probably have gathered but you could if you came to see us you could lay around and drink chardonnay all day right like one of the desperate housewives

completely covered yeah exactly yeah that's the sun is a problem for me so i just stay i'd stay below deck i think and uh

put you in a big big hat yeah i'd just stay under the covers in my bed my king-size bed and uh i'd get one of those hats that you can drink beer out of only i'd put Chardonnay in it

and just lie in there.

I'm on a boat with my flippy floppies.

Yes, with my flippy floppies.

Well, Marta, it was really nice talking to you.

Stay safe.

I have a question for you.

Oh, you do?

Okay, go ahead.

I do.

So I know that you are a pizza aficionado and the marinara is your go-to pizza.

Yes.

So I went out with a group of friends.

They said it's the best pizza place in, and I'm in Sicily, right?

Everybody says it's the best pizza, and every restaurant says it's the best pizza.

It was so disappointing.

And

I'd like to know when you are looking at these different pizzerias and in throughout Italy or New York or wherever you are, how do you determine what a good pizzeria is?

Oh, I have to see the pizza.

I have to actually see the pizza.

I have to get eyes on it.

The best pizza I've had is in Naples.

I had amazing pizza, Napoli.

And so you could get there pretty quickly from where you are now.

It's probably just a couple of hours.

Depends on your ladder, your long.

Yeah, one hour in a car is eight hours for us.

Okay.

Well, it would take about three weeks to get there.

Really?

I think you should get rid of the boat.

Just get a private plane, zip around.

But yeah, get eyes on the pizza.

And if it looks good, it probably is good.

That's all I can tell you.

You know, pizza is like people.

I know a good one when I see one.

Looking around the room.

A lot of people.

Just don't smell it.

A lot of bad pizza in this room.

Marta, it was nice chatting with you.

Happy sails.

It was an honor.

Red dawn at night.

Sailors won't fight.

Starboard to lee.

Mizzenmast.

What's going on?

Lots of glee.

Lots of glee.

Thank you very much.

Avoid the bree.

It's been out in the sun.

I think that's a hot dog bun.

Oh, my god.

I'm going to go to the hospital, but it was nice talking to you, Marta.

You take care.

Okay, I really enjoyed it.

Thanks for having me.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye, everyone.

Buena Sera.

Buena Serra.

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