Sarah Silverman Returns Again

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Hi, my name is Sarah Silverman and I feel

rejoice slash dead inside.

About being

about being Conan O'Brien's friend.

I love how you had to look down at the page to see who my name is.

We met in 1993.

You're one of my earliest talk show guests.

Yes.

And you're checking the page to see what my name is.

O'Brien.

Fall is here, hear the yell.

Back to school, ring the bell.

Brand new shoes, walk in blues, climb the fence, books and pens.

I can tell that we are gonna be friends.

Yes, I can tell that we are gonna be friends.

I wish I could be me.

I'm my favorite member of my family tree.

What the fuck?

Oh my god.

See, this is why we need to roll.

We're actually rolling now.

Oh, we are.

I thought I heard every one of your crazy songs.

We're starting to start one I'd never heard before.

We're starting this podcast with that song.

We're in right now.

Okay.

Well, yes, I'm Colonel O'Brien and then blah, blah, blah, Sona, blah, blah, blah.

Listen,

I say so much nonsense all the time that I'm always stunned when something burbles out of my mouth that you haven't heard before.

Me too?

But I just did it.

Yeah.

I just said,

what did I say?

My favorite person is me.

I'm my favorite member of my family tree.

I want to be me.

I want to be me because I'm my favorite member of my family tree.

Did you just make that?

I think I did.

I've never heard that.

I don't know.

It's true.

And it's a stupid thing to say.

So stupid.

Who would say, I want to be me because I'm my favorite member of my family tree?

These things spill out of me all the time.

As I've said, brushing my teeth.

In the middle of the night, I'll wake up and i'll say something like that sometimes i'll put it to music and the listeners should know that you hear conan in an unhinged form on the podcast i would multiply that times like eight yeah pre-recording that's what it's like in here i think yes i'm trying to be responsible somewhat when we do this and i should probably stop but

over the years everyone always said uh there was the meeting after the show you were around for those sona i was playing you were around for those the meeting before the show show, when we were going over the jokes and the band is playing, and the audience is loaded in, that was pure insanity.

Insanity.

And then the meeting afterwards was unhinged insanity.

Yeah.

As was rehearsal.

Rehearsal was often

a mad king,

a mad syphilitic king.

That he is

Caligula who's putting his horse in charge of the, making his horse a senator.

Only I have a Fender guitar strapped on.

Don't forget the syphilis, all the syphilis.

Yeah, syphilis.

And the horse had syphilis, too.

The point being

that

these are just little snippets that I guess are somehow

what's wrong with me.

Is it syphilis?

It's not syphilis.

I get tested every day.

But is this how you were as a kid?

Like, did you go around muttering, like, I like me, I want to be me.

There was a lot of

craziness.

And I mean, we've talked about this, but anytime I played any sports activity with other kids, all I did was talk and make up who I was and to describe who my character was and how I had been in prison, but I just got out because I had murdered a fan in the stands, but now they're giving me a second chance.

I knew my name.

I knew my whole backstory.

And my brother Luke, my poor brother Luke is a saint.

He's a year older than me.

He would be like, just...

play the game.

We'd play this, these pickup basketball games, and these people sometimes wouldn't even know me.

And I'd be like, yeah, see, this is who I am.

See?

You did it in front of people you didn't even know sometimes yeah so like there wasn't ever this thing in your brain that was like oh god people are gonna think I'm crazy you were just like whatever was no stopping it okay I did go to a summer camp once and I don't think the kids liked me that much but this one

camp counselor was I was on a trip and I made up this whole story about a bird a bird that was the size of a human that was running through the woods and I made up this whole thing and I was just babbling and improvising this whole thing and this guy was crying he was laughing so hard.

Oh my God.

And he got back and he was like, that kid is really, and they were like, that guy?

I don't like that guy.

And they were like, I'm telling you, he's really funny.

Tell them about the thing you told me on the trail and I couldn't recreate it.

And they still hated me.

Did people really dislike you?

Like, did you, you know, do you think that like you walked into a room and people were like, oh God, Conan.

I think when I first showed up, people were like, here's, I looked like the Wendy's logo

with a bull haircut and I had a weird name and I was not good at sports.

So I think maybe initially, but then I always, I think people came around to old Conzy.

Yeah, I think so.

It paid off.

Yeah, it did.

Look at you now.

Look at me now in a small room.

Somebody in a small room.

Look at you now in a small room at Larchmont in Los Angeles.

You're working with us?

Yeah, come on.

Yeah, look at us.

We're here.

A podcast with my assistant.

The creme de la creme show business.

Did you know that after Dean Martin broke up with Jerry Lewis, he just spent a bunch of his later years just touring around with his assistant.

Is that true?

Nope, made it up.

They made movies.

Why do I fall?

Why do I believe everything you say?

Because I have a certain authority.

My guest today is a very funny comedian whose latest comedy special.

Post-mortem is available to stream on Netflix starting Tamara.

See how I said Tamara?

Yeah.

I'm thrilled she's here.

Lover, who doesn't?

Sarah Silverman.

You got to do it again, like before.

You got to pause before the moment.

Oh, right.

You're right.

You're right.

You're right.

Why didn't you mention it?

Well, I've mentioned it multiple times in a while.

I hope you fall downstairs soon, but you're not hurt, but it's scary.

It's frightening to you.

The fall is frightening.

Okay, I'm processing that, but thank you.

It's scary, and you're scared by it.

Okay.

That's what I hope happened to.

It's a very specific wish.

Yeah.

I wish you ill, but not that.

I don't know.

But maybe you have a bruise, too.

All right, let's try this again.

Just for the listener's sake, if you've been listening chronologically, we're trying to get Conan to leave a pause because some music comes in and just.

I think you know what we need to do?

We need to make some kind of symbol right here between she's here and then I'll do it again.

I'll do that.

I guess today is a very funny comedian whose latest special postmortem is available to stream on Netflix starting tomorrow.

I'm thrilled she's here.

Sarah Silverman, welcome.

When I was thinking about today,

and I've been dreaming about today, yes,

and

masturbating about today,

But like with tears, you know, like

the way you do it.

And I cry when I masturbate.

It's true.

I don't know why this happened, but

all I've been singing on the way.

Are you still laughing about you crying when you masturbate?

I guess.

Yeah, laughing to cover up the fact that it might be true.

Go ahead.

I've been singing.

Conan, don't be discouraged.

The man, he isn't hard to understand.

Is that right?

I can't remember.

Game sign from Chico and the Man.

Yeah.

Chico, don't be discouraged.

But you made it, Conan.

I love that.

Conan, don't be discouraged.

My parody version.

Yeah, but I like it, but it lines up because I often, I'm always worried the man is hard to understand.

So it lines up.

A lot of kids listening right now are thinking, what's Chico and the Man?

It was a very popular, very popular sitcom, huge, starring Freddie Prinz.

And then it ended when the star of the show ended his own life.

Yes.

Kind of tragically.

It was a big deal when I was a kid.

It was huge.

I just remember the guy, the comic that gave him the gun was like the youngest comedian ever to be on the tonight show or something.

Oh, really?

Oh, I like fun facts.

I mean, isn't it the funnest fact?

No, maybe not.

Yeah,

your fun facts are terrible.

Fun fact.

A fetus can only live two minutes outside the womb

if it's less than six months old.

Fun fact.

If it's not fun, then why are we all laughing?

You're right.

I think that's a good point.

Yeah.

It's a very good point.

I'm going to wear my glasses.

There she is.

I see you now.

Sarah, I come to both name-drop and compliment you, which is I had breakfast this morning with a certain Mr.

Billy Crystal.

who was raving about your show, Bedwetter.

He went to see the, oh, yeah, he went to see the musical.

He went to see the musical and he was like, it's terrific.

It's fantastic.

Because I said, I've got to go.

I've got to go see.

And then I got to name drop with him.

I'm going to go see Sarah Silverman and have a conversation.

She's like, oh, you got to tell her.

Her show is amazing.

Her show is fantastic.

So that's what I'm starting with.

I mean, obviously we had some other talk in there first about.

fetuses dying,

crying while masturbating and, you know, some stuff that went a little south.

But now we get to the good stuff which is a big compliment from

yes we go north uh with uh with with mr billy crystal loving your show so congratulations yay thank you yeah it's in dc it closes in a week or it's probably closed by the time this hits people's ears but hopefully it will go to whatever cut this part out no keep this part in

this i think drops in 2020 this is the clip

people will be listening to it on their jet packs um i'm very happy happy when I hear that you're going to come in and do the podcast.

I was like, I got the day off.

This is the day off.

This isn't work talking to you.

It's work.

Is it for you?

No, for you.

No, it's not.

I've always,

you're the best.

I mean, I love talking to you.

You're a ray of sunshine.

And I think in the community of show business, the business of show, who doesn't like some Sarah Silverman?

Everybody loves Sarah Silverman.

Yeah.

Yeah.

When you have a party, everybody shows up.

Like when you have these rooftop parties, I mean, these guys don't.

Sorry.

Aw.

Well, I'm come on.

Well, it's awkward, but

the people I see at your parties, it's incredible.

Yeah, there's like no one where you are trying to avoid a conversation, I feel.

I feel like everyone is a joy to see.

Yeah.

Even this guy?

Even this guy.

Even this guy.

It's very exciting that you came up.

When I show up, people are

even the biggest stars get excited.

Owen Wilson couldn't work up the nerve to come up and talk to me.

Yeah, it was exciting to see.

It was,

I don't know.

And you know what I admire about you?

You're very funny and you keep branching out.

I saw you in maestro and I thought you were a terrific actor.

Is that something that you've wanted to do?

Did you think about acting?

Because I always, you know, I didn't know if that was something that you had like an arrow in your quiver for a while.

You were just like, I want to try this at some point.

What is this acting thing?

Yeah.

No, I always wanted to be an actor.

Really?

Yeah.

But I always wanted to be a comic.

And then that really is, you know, more like, I always think that's like being gay, being a comedian, you know, because you're like born that way.

Right.

There's nothing you can do about it.

Right.

And you should just let your freak flag fly.

Yes.

But I, yeah, I like acting, but I, well, it's not up to me, but I feel that people can, I can get lost in a character and you aren't like, that's Sarah Silverman.

Right.

right but I understand that people tend to worry about that because they go oh but everyone knows her and they like you know she's like herself you were not though that's what I wasn't and I that's what I thought was interesting about in when I saw you in maestro I thought no that you're you were just this other person and it was not there was no speed bump of now I have to adjust my dials thank you for Sarah Silverman I thought you really did a beautiful job well I audition you know I always want to audition because I, you know, I want to

get the part because they like what I, you know, whatever.

I'm

now I'm embarrassed.

This isn't funny or anything.

Why can't we just have a conversation?

What's wrong with that?

We can add laughs later.

We'll pipe them in.

Laughs here.

I always, you know, love to audition.

Isn't it funny that the sound of like a million people laughing is like like a whisper sound effect?

Yes.

That's horrifying.

That sounds like wind coming through the trees and a murderer's chasing me.

That's like when you're talking about the children.

It doesn't sound like a lot of people being happy, but maybe you're right.

Because when that many people cheer, it sounds like death is on its way.

How do you do it?

How do you do that?

Well, I have.

Huge crowd laughter.

Imagine.

Yeah.

You're right.

That's right.

That sounds like a dental crew.

No, that's a guy who's had a tracheotomy and the tube came out.

And he's running around the hospital trying to get it plugged back in again.

What?

Did I lose the crowd here?

What's happening?

All right, so it's the same.

We're both doing the same scent.

I'm going to take my jacket off, and if you think it's too sexy, I'll put it back on.

Jesus.

Wow, Kate.

You know how to wear teal.

A little teal for you right there.

There's a great color on you.

Isn't this nice?

Your eyes pop.

They make the old papers pop.

That's fine.

Yeah.

It doesn't make the papers pop.

I distracted you.

You like to audition, but they still know it's you.

And they know that, you know, what I'm saying is you can't go in anonymously.

So sometimes you might even have a higher bar to clear because they're like, oh, it's Sarah Silver.

No, no, people won't get lost in it.

You know, whatever.

Like I, I, I, this great writer-director had a series on Apple Plus.

Oh, I guess I shouldn't say that, whatever.

And he asked me to be in it and a great role.

And I was like, great, you know, and then, and I've had to do this before too.

So I had compassion, but he, he had to call me and be like, I'm horrified.

Um, the people at Apple Plus don't want you for the part.

They feel like the people won't get lost in you or whatever.

And I was like, I totally understand that because I had a pilot once and I asked this amazing director to direct it.

And he got right back to me and was like, Yes, I'm in.

And he's like, This awesome, cool, far-out director.

And then it was for NBC years ago, and they were like, Oh, no, we don't approve him.

Oh, my God.

I know it was awful.

So that good a story, but thank you for your

this is how you react in a podcast.

It is.

I'm killing.

I am your father.

It's kind of close to that.

I think

that

there were many years where I could have made it when I was young as a leading man.

What would you play?

I think I was held back by my small eyes,

my thin lips,

my prominent eye vein,

and

my complete inability to be someone other than Colonel Brown.

I think those things just tragically held me back.

So unfair.

I think, yes.

And I think I needed to, I wish I had broken through those walls because I also, I think.

I can't hear the word walls without thinking pussy walls go on.

I don't know why.

Is that even a word?

Well, now neither can I.

Because now you just, that just fucked me up completely.

Like the, like the labia?

I don't know.

I don't know where I've heard pussy walls, the phrase.

And I'm sorry to interrupt.

I am interested in the story you were telling, whatever it was.

Yeah, let's break this down.

Are these interior or exterior walls?

I'm in my mind, it's interior walls.

I don't know where I've heard it or why it's so embedded in me, but like whenever I'm watching The Bachelor or Bachelorette, which is any given Monday,

they always say like, you know, and I put up my walls and I always say out loud, pussy walls.

And then my boyfriend, who's like in another room, hears it and is like, knows exactly what's happening because it's like a, it's almost like an OCD thing.

But is, have you guys heard that?

Well, I'm curious.

In 1989, when the Berlin Wall fell, did you say that poor woman?

I mean, I'm just curious.

I think that's a great joke, and I think it deserves something.

Mr.

Gorbachev, tear down this pussy wall.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's what I'm going for.

It's more, it has to be plural.

Like, who is the vice president?

Can you believe?

I can't remember the vice president, the guy who ran for vice president with Kamala?

Walls.

Oh, yeah.

Waltz.

Yeah.

It is Tim Walls.

That also in my head.

I was like, pussy walls.

Well, that's probably what cost them the election.

What is it?

Pussy walls.

Why do I have exactly?

I don't know that that's something we can Google and find out.

I don't understand it.

I don't.

I tried.

I'm just saying, you're going to get something.

Try it with this.

Eduardo tried.

Well, what I'm curious about is now it's in my head so that if I go to say, we need to repair these walls, meaning structural damage to my home from the recent California fires, we need to repair these walls.

I'm going to go to pussy walls.

And that's going to cause all kinds of problems in the household.

So you've done this.

You've ruined my mind.

That was, I mean, honestly, a little bit my hope for all of you is that it's infected.

That's interesting.

Now, you jumped right in with a specific part.

The labia.

I thought that.

Just don't do that.

I mean, that's kind of the labia of the vagina.

The pussy walls.

She's a pussy.

He's very weird when you say things like that.

Labia is the lips.

I recently learned all this.

Vagina is the hole that is the hole where the penis goes in and the baby comes out.

The urethra is not on your clitoris, but it basically is.

I think it's like under the hood of it or something.

And it's the tiniest hole that somehow like five streams come out of.

And then what's crazy?

I'm learning shit.

No, I didn't.

I am a grown-ass adult with two children, and I'm learning.

I didn't.

Okay, keep going.

And the vagina is just the whole.

It's not the whole.

It's not the thing.

The thing is called a labia.

I've been spanked about this.

I bet you have.

Wow.

Yeah, I think.

Wait, what's the matter with you?

You look like you're about to pass out.

Don't project on me, but I'm fine.

Did you guys know all this?

I think I did from an anatomy class.

Great.

Wow.

I think I learned it from his anatomy books.

Yeah, and I got it all wrong.

Yeah.

This was not discussed at any point during my life.

And then later on, you know, you learn things.

Yeah.

And I mean, recently,

which is shocking.

But yeah, it's okay right now.

Right.

Yes.

From Sarah.

But it's incredible that, yes, we should be able to talk about this freely.

We should be adults and we should talk about this freely.

I mean, but also like, as a, I would say, straight men.

and gay women have like an actual view of the vagina that I have not had where you really like can see everything or you know, I mean it's like with the Terminator vision like we have little and there's little readouts on the side.

I mean

times in my life when I've been down there, there's these little readouts.

What is it saying?

What does it say?

Like run away?

It says do not engage.

Do not engage.

Do not engage.

Flee fleece hostile hostile

You know it's it's it's green and there's these digital readouts on the side and yeah, it's

I see that I picture it like it has, it's like pulled back with little pins like the

butterfly.

Or yeah, like a frog that you dissect or something.

Oh, no.

It's fillet.

Oh, yeah, because there's so many foals.

You know what I want?

I don't know if mine is.

One time, many years ago.

I'm sorry, I'm talking way too much.

This is fantastic.

I love this.

One time, gather around, kids.

Campfire.

Go ahead.

I was upstairs.

I mean, this is visual, really.

Wait, could I have your pen?

Sure.

But I was at the cellar a million years ago.

The comedy seller.

The comedy seller.

Sorry.

And I was sitting at a booth across Mark Marin.

And I don't remember who suggested this, honestly, but we both, we each drew a picture of a vagina and then we showed it to each other.

And it was so embarrassing because mine was like,

we exposed it.

And then his was like that, that like two parentheses in a line and then mine was like so much it was so much detail but like i don't know if that's just me i i've i i don't think that my vagina is

like maybe that's more of a

expressionist do you that doesn't look like a salad no

i don't my vagina looks like a salad i don't know is that not

i you know what yeah i can see it's like yes the hot dog bun.

But then if you open that up, there's a world.

A whole world to be found.

I don't know.

What is it, Nikki Glazer said that it looked like a hastily packed suitcase?

That

image got into my head.

That's so funny.

Yes, different perspectives.

There's the, of course, the Mark Maron perspective.

Keep in mind, he wears glasses.

So maybe he didn't have his glasses on.

You know, when he's.

But that said, I've never been face to face with a vagina.

Oh, come on.

All right.

No, I mean, I, you know, I remember my stepsister wanted to go on Shark Tank and

try to sell a vagina mirror, which would just be like basically a mirror on a selfie stick or something, but you could do that with an iPhone.

And I have, I guess.

So.

Wait a minute.

Your sister wanted to sell that as a product.

It's a million-dollar idea.

Isn't it?

It's a rearview mirror.

It's a rearview mirror on a

yeah.

What is it?

Listen, someone put wheels on luggage like way too late.

No one thought of it.

That is true.

When wheels went on luggage, I go, I can't believe it took this long to put wheels on luggage.

Why was there ever,

where was, were there ever?

No, you think Leonardo da Vinci would have thought of that.

I've always believed that your home should be an expression of who you are.

That was my mind.

I have that like tattooed on my low back.

Oh, wow.

I could have had so many things tattooed down there, and that's what I chose.

Down there.

Yeah.

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What I want to do is take this episode so far and maybe the whole thing in its entirety and play it for a group and have them turn the dials so that there's, you know what I mean?

And just see what happens when we take some of these turns.

Do you know what I mean?

And I want to say an older crowd, an older crowd that say remembers the Korean War well.

And I want them to be able to like turn the dials and just to see what would happen.

Wouldn't she be interested?

I mean, that would be fun.

Yeah.

I mean, it does take a lot of twists and turns, like a vagina, right?

No, what?

What do you mean, twists and turns?

I don't know what I said.

Vagina's like driving in Italy.

It's like,

you know, you could get killed at any moment.

You can't believe there's only one lane.

There's an ocean.

There's like a huge cliff with an ocean.

Suddenly, there's a burrow in the road.

This just reminds me exactly of the Dana Carvey conversation I had.

This is why I don't worry about you.

I don't worry about you at all because we start talking and then suddenly vaginas are flying around.

I did think of something yesterday that I thought only Conan will, well, you know, I mean, gosh,

I can't really do this in stand-up because I don't feel like anybody would remember, but I do think that they should

reveal the Epstein files, but it should be the Juan Epstein files.

And all of them are signed Epstein's mother.

From Mr.

Man, this is your second 70 sitcom reference.

I love it.

Mr.

Cotter.

Did you ever watch Welcome Back Cotter?

I watched it on Nick at Night because I went through a Travolta phase, and I just loved.

I loved that show.

But it's silly, right?

It's not considered like, is it considered like

prestige television back then?

I don't think so.

I don't think so.

It was a huge thing when I was in fifth, sixth grade.

People would put up their hand and go, ooh, ooh, ooh, like Arnold Horschak, and everyone thought that was hilarious.

I had a, my sister and I had a Welcome Back Cotter trash can.

What?

Yeah, it's a music.

Well, they make lunch boxes.

They don't make trash cans.

No, ours, we had a trash can, and it said, like,

I'm going to call you schools out because you have no class and like all the different things they say.

We laughed and threw away our garbage.

I'm glad you saved that Juan Epstein joke for me.

It just seemed like the right place.

So it's the Epstein files.

Right.

But it's Juan Epstein from Welcome Back Potter.

We know Trump is all over those, the actual list.

So that's probably what he would, maybe he would reveal that and be like, what?

I said I was going to, and I did.

So Trump is going to release the Juan Epstein files from Welcome Back Potter to throw everyone off the scent from the real Epstein and then say those are the, okay, I get it.

I understand.

So the logs will basically just be Juan Epstein and Juan Epstein's mother.

Yes, yes, which was

disgusting people

and criminals.

Are you a conspiracy theorist?

I don't know.

I mean, the moon landing was fake.

Are you?

I don't know.

I am not.

No, I am one of those people that thinks the simplest explanation is usually the correct one.

Occam's razor.

There you go.

I shave with it every day.

You didn't even go to college.

You don't need to go to college.

Yeah,

I'm not.

I am not.

When people say, hey, man, you know, everything happened, man.

I'm not in on that on that ride usually.

Yeah,

the guy who does my makeup is really fell into a whole thing about how the challenger didn't really explode and all those people are are still alive and right you know and i you know i was in i was in ninth grade and we watched it because there was a teacher from concord the next town over christy mcculla yeah who was killed yeah yeah well or was she where are they where does he say they are they're just living regular lives

and with different names does he ever explain why the people on the challenger would agree to this you all have families and stuff but we're going to pretend that you blew up and then you're all all gonna live uh on in different parts of cincinnati and what's the reason they're faking it does he yeah exactly not that it doesn't i don't know see that's the thing is they don't ever even need a reason yeah they don't even need a reason hey man you're not thinking it through man i'm sorry that's my idea of most conspiracy theorists i'm sorry if you're a conspiracy theorist and you're listening out there i i think you're wrong well like conspiracy theorists don't call themselves conspiracy theorists, right?

It's like cults don't call themselves cults.

I have a friend who I know, I feel confident, grew up in a cult.

And he goes, it's not a cult.

I go, you wouldn't know.

Yeah.

You're in it.

Right.

Did you have to?

There's no punchline to that.

There doesn't have to be until you call it out.

And then, you know what I mean?

That's just it.

We're in it, man.

We're talking about it.

You know, we're all in the flow.

There's no need for there to be a big boom, boom.

You know, we're past that.

We're in a new, we're in a post-comedy world now.

Laughs are for pussy walls.

Exactly.

Mr.

Gorbachev,

tear down that pussy wall.

I'm telling you, Sony, you're on to a great new routine.

This is a good routine for you.

I can't do this routine.

This is Sarah's routine.

No, no,

no, no, she does not want it.

Okay.

Well, I don't do stand-up.

Did anything come up when you searched pussy walls?

The only thing I could find, which Eduardo and I, I think, agree.

And he was looking for this long before you came in.

That's right.

I looked in my internet search history.

I looked back.

And instead of cock blocking,

she got pussywalled.

Oh, I've heard of that as clam jamming.

Oh, clam jamming is probably.

But the

theorem of a dictionary said that.

And then the other one.

Clam jamming?

Yeah.

I totally got clam jammed.

It's a clam a good.

Oh, Black Betty.

Clam a jam.

Yeah.

And then did he try it as two words or one word?

Well, it says two.

I think clam.

I think it's incorrect.

We don't know.

We still don't know.

I think it's not.

Did he try one word with a Z?

So my first thought was it had to have appeared in a rap song somewhere.

And sure enough, there's like a couple of lyrics where it says like ripping through the pussy walls.

Oh, yeah.

So

you don't want to do that.

I know, because that feels like we're making a lateral move to the side or something.

That doesn't seem right.

You know what I mean?

Right?

It doesn't sound like it

feels good.

Yeah.

This is the least hot and heavy talk ever

about intercourse.

A lateral move.

A lateral move near the vaginal wall.

Well, I didn't know that.

Could lead to tearing.

Oh, vaginal wall.

Vaginal wall.

It's the vaginal wall.

It's the hymen.

Isn't that what they're doing?

I don't think you know anything.

Oh, okay.

Ripping through the pussy wall is probably the hymen.

Oh, right.

Maybe it is.

Am I in context?

I don't think of it that way normally, but maybe that's what it is.

The hymen is like a little bag of blood that has no purpose except feels more of a gate than a wall.

It's more like a

wall.

Did you ever smoke a camel crush before they were outlawed in California?

You keep talking, and I'm just resting my forehead on the microphone.

What is a camel crush?

And I'm just going to be listening.

It's got a little ball of like menthol poison that you can

squeeze and you hear it go.

And then it's a menthol cigarette.

And

I guess what I was saying is that's like a hymen.

Oh, boy.

Can you Google that?

Can we take a nap for the rest of this?

I think we need

to take all the furniture out.

We need to have it resurfaced.

I mean, I don't know what to say.

I don't know what to say.

I'm at a loss.

I think I started out, if you can believe it, with a compliment from Billy Crystal

about

how you turned your memoir,

The Bedwetter, into a musical and how he saw it and he thought it was brilliant.

And to pass on that compliment, now there's exploding hymens,

lateral penises,

Reagan is yelling at Gorbachev to tear down the pussy wall,

vulgar sketches, courtesy of a ghost, Mark Marin.

Your sister has a crazy device that takes a rearview mirror off a Hyundai,

and people can examine themselves.

and the whole podcast is

just is it's over.

It's over.

It's over.

There will never be another podcast after this one.

This is the end of Conan O'Brien needs a friend.

This is now Conan O'Brien needs a job.

You've done this.

You did this yourself.

Yay.

You should.

No, sounds.

You should feel good about it.

You would think I would be done with vagina humor in my 20s, maybe my 30s, surely by my 40s.

But there's just still so much more to explore, you know?

There is.

There is.

And it's you speaking your truth.

I'm so sorry.

Why don't we talk about your penis and balls?

Okay.

Let's get into it.

I feel like they talk like this.

Like, what?

That was my dad trying to do an Irish accent.

Oh, my God.

Connor, it's your penis and balls.

Penis and balls.

Oh, my God.

It's your penis and balls.

I think I've anthropomorphized

my genitalia before on this show, and it's always just kind of petulant and whiny.

Yeah.

I don't want to.

It's always flipping through like the New Yorker.

I'm trying to get it interested in, you know, doing something.

I don't want to.

To see it more of that, is that just it's recalcitrant.

There's a word that's a good word.

Yeah, it's just kind of fussy and flipping through the New Yorker and looking over its little shoulder, which I guess would be a scroll tie.

I want to apologize.

I promised one great school that we would donate an episode.

And in advance, I said it was this episode.

I just did it numerically.

I didn't know it was going to be Sarah Silverman.

I said it was episode 3252.

So this is being live streamed

to the Michael Driscoll School, which is a K through 8 school in Brookline, Massachusetts.

You can be anything you want to be.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Today's word is scroll tie.

Let's not, you know,

let's elevate this.

Well, or take it further.

Or

let's not stigmatize words that mean, you know,

there are genitals.

Exactly.

I mean, what's the problem?

I don't see a problem.

I really don't.

What?

You don't even need to say words anymore.

To do Seinfeld.

You jump, huh?

He means held hostage and he had tape over his mouth and he'd still be like,

oh, God.

I'm just an impressionist.

Seinfeld, anything.

Seinfeld being held hostage.

Ho-ho, hey-ho!

Ho-ho!

Hey-ho-ho!

He wants to know who kidnapped him.

He's got duct tape all over him.

Who haul?

He who?

Who haul?

He's a handful.

It's a simple question, Jerry had.

It's a very reasonable.

He wants to know the identity of the people.

They wore masks, of course, to get the ransom.

Somebody must have done an impression of him

once he has dementia.

Yes.

No, it's who are these people?

Seriously?

And who the fuck am I?

And where am I?

I'm frightened for my life.

That has a literal

undertones of Mr.

Howell.

Yeah.

Yeah, it does.

It does.

Just to keep it on the 70s.

Another sitcom, yeah.

Well, that's 60s.

Sorry.

It is?

Yeah.

Gilligan's Island?

Yeah.

Sorry.

I think probably, I'm just going to guess.

Again, I know.

65.

I know from Nick at night.

Maybe 68.

I don't know.

Well, anyway, a little sip of water.

Now.

Now,

my brother Neo would know exactly the air dates for Gilligan's Island, so I could always consult him.

Wow.

I swear to God, if I called him up right now, he'd probably, he would tell me exactly, he'd say, oh, yeah, the original air date was September 3rd, 1964, and then it went off the...

It was close.

It was September 26, 1964.

Is it?

I just made up the date.

Oh, my God.

Oh, wait.

I think what we're revealing here is that I don't have a brother Neil.

Neil doesn't exist.

Neil doesn't exist.

And I just use Neil as an excuse for my insane knowledge of 60s television.

Is Neil in the room with us right now?

Yeah.

I am.

It's like the end of Spartacus.

I am Neil.

I am Neil.

I am Neil.

Yeah.

But Neil still doesn't know anything about vaginas.

Okay.

Let's just say Conan doesn't know anything about vaginas.

That's the podcast.

Yeah.

The new podcast.

The new podcast should be.

Conan doesn't know anything about vaginas.

Right, but then think of the guests we'd get who'd come in here and explain things to me.

It'd be fantastic.

What a great show.

Okay.

I've been looking for the picture in my phone of your mouth that I used as my vagina.

That's right.

I've actually been tasked with finding it.

I think we should explain that for any you should explain it for any listener who doesn't know the story behind it.

What story behind it?

Just kidding.

Yes, and

not an improviser.

Just going to rest my head on this microphone.

I'm determined to conduct a serious interview with you.

Okay.

And you guys are welcome to jump in at any time and help out, but I'm going to forge on, which is.

Let's get quiet you gotta get really quiet here you wrote a memoir in 2010 and then you decided that's what i'm plugging here it needs to be a musical oh yes where did that leap come from

actually

adam schlesinger may he rest in peace came over my apartment was like this book's a musical and i read the chapter titles he's like that's a song you know whatever and then i was like all right

we we made it had you experienced writing writing songs before?

Yeah,

I had a show on Comedy Central that was musical, and my first special had music in it.

But I didn't know that you were.

Oh, this, I didn't realize you wrote all the songs.

Yeah.

No, I didn't write all the songs in the Sarah Silverman program.

I wrote some of them and co-wrote some of them.

But in my special, Jesus is Magic, which I, you know,

I'm guessing doesn't hold up because I say a lot of things that I wouldn't say today or I'd get in a lot of trouble and have.

But yeah, I wrote this.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

Are you showing up?

You all right?

Can you show me awful?

I just wanted to see if I could do ventriloquism.

Guess what?

What?

You can't.

That's very clear.

You also have to throw your voice to be a ventriloquist.

It's just not about.

It's, well, also articulating, but you also have to throw your voice, I believe.

Yeah, no, I can't do that.

Well, if the doll has had a stroke and that's its backstory, then it's okay.

Oh, no, it's terrible.

What happened to you?

Oh, it's okay.

I'm slowly getting better.

What's your intense therapy?

Well, you still don't sound great.

Oh, it's a long process of getting better.

That's what I would do if I had to be a ventriloquist.

I would make sure the doll had had a terrible cerebral event.

That's what I would call it.

Impressive, huh?

Yes.

Okay.

You did it.

You got us back on track.

I'm doing what I can.

I'm doing what I can.

But anyway, I hear great things about this musical.

Thank you.

Yeah, yeah.

And he saw it because I saw his musical, Mr.

Saturday Night, which was really great.

And the woman who played the incredible Broadway star who played his daughter plays my mother, Beth Ann.

That is Shoshana Bean and she's incredible.

And so he came to see it because they, yeah.

And are you nervous if you know that someone of that caliber is in the audience?

I don't like to know that people are in the crowd.

I don't want to know, like if I'm performing, no, I don't want to know.

I actually took a chance.

I mean, did I tell you this?

But I remember, do you know Todd Glass?

Yes.

So funny.

So, so funny.

But I worry that he can get in his head.

So it was years ago, and he was about to to go on at Largo, and I knew he had like some bigwigs coming to see him.

And I took a chance.

And right before he went on, I said, I feel like I should tell you they didn't show up, but they had.

But I felt like if he thought that they didn't show up, he'll be more relaxed.

Yeah.

He'll just be fuck it and be super relaxed.

And he was.

And then when he got off, I go, I lied there.

And he was so happy.

But it could have gone really bad, of course.

But I just wanted to.

What if he had gone out and just badmouthed the exact?

Yeah.

Fuck them for not coming.

Yeah, fuck them.

I don't need them anyway.

They're just a bunch of empty suits.

It was impulsive.

My heart was pounding, but I felt like it was the right thing to do and it ended up being good.

And now he's a big star.

I think you did the right thing.

You took a chance.

He is the funniest.

Second funniest.

Third funniest.

Fourth funniest.

That's the seventh funniest person.

who's not in this room right now.

Let's take it down.

Let's take it down to you have a new stand-up special.

Oh, yeah, yes, and I'm gonna bring it up because you've clearly forgotten, but it's called Postmortem.

Yeah,

now, how long did it take you to put this together?

This set

it was definitely the fastest hour I've put together because of the events that it's about.

My parents, you can't relate to this, but died very closely together.

Yeah, yeah,

what's that like?

Um, they died nine days apart, and uh, we

moved in and like dueled them through death at home and so it's um it just and it happened when my last special came out i've only done i think this is my fifth special and my last special before that was my fourth special oh

i'm sorry i i know this is a terrible right turn but maybe i i don't know what's going on but my elbow if i even touch it to a surface it hurts excruciating pain it's like nerve-ending or something.

Does this sound familiar?

Yes.

Really?

Yeah.

That's happened to me.

What is it?

It's like something is weird, and then when you touch it the wrong way, it's very painful.

Yeah.

But then it just kind of self-corrects itself.

And then my boyfriend goes, you should call the doctor.

I go, no, because in three days it will be gone and I'll just have never known what it was.

Yeah.

Anyway, what was his name?

My parents died.

Sorry, go on.

What was I talking about?

Oh, yes.

The two most important people in the world world to me passed away within nine days of each other.

Wow.

So you win.

I'm very competitive about these things.

My parents went within three days of each other.

But.

Oh, yeah.

So as we were taking care of them, my last special came out.

And so when I went back to doing stand-up, I was starting completely over.

And of course, all I had to talk about was my, that experience and it developed faster than usual.

Yeah, because those are such strong feelings.

You go out there, it's fresh, you're talking about it.

Would you workshop this at the aforementioned Largo?

Is that where you would go?

Of course, of course.

Largo's, uh, well, we did many, we did podcasts from Largo, I believe.

Did we?

Or did we just do no, we did, you know what we did?

We did late night shows.

What during the COVID, we did the late night shows.

Well, you're talking about this like it was in 1987.

It just happened.

It was all during the pandemic.

COVID feels like a long time ago to me.

It does.

It actually does.

Now people talk about it and it feels like oh yeah covid anyway largo terrific space uh and every time i'm there i was there recently doing a bunch of oh my god you were amazing at the oscars oh this is the point of this podcast thank you you are amazing

amazing but i worked out stuff for the oscars at largo and um your picture is everywhere backstage plus there's a big pillow of your face backstage which you donated

yeah it's it's very nice that's a great space to be It's not, there's not pictures of me everywhere, but there's a couple pictures.

There's a lot of pictures of you.

I think you just bring pictures every time you move.

No, I jump with the pillow.

You hang them up when no one's looking.

There is a pillow with my face on it back there.

That's my friend Mark Cohen crocheted it.

And then he gave it to me.

And I lived in a tiny apartment.

And I was having lunch with Flanagan.

And I was like,

I love him so much, but I can't have a pillow with my face on it in my living room.

It's like, it's

embarrassing.

I can have.

He goes, bring it over here.

Bring it over here.

Wait a minute.

My penis suggested?

Yeah.

Bring it over here.

So you did this hour.

Do you think, this is a question that I get a lot, that one of your parents was aware that the other had passed?

Because most people that find out that your parents went at the same time or almost the same time think that it's not coincidental that one person knows that the other has passed and decides to also join them.

Well, no, my dad knew that my stepmother, my stepmother had died.

She had cancer.

It was terrible.

She loved life.

Blah, not blah, blah, blah.

Sorry,

not blah, blah, blah at all, but you know what I mean.

How was your eulogy, by the way?

It was.

She loved life.

Blah, blah, blah.

She was so wonderful.

And they were in bed together holding hands.

So she was, he was,

he was, they were holding hands and she had passed away.

And my sister had texted me because I had gone home to sleep for the night.

And she said, Janice has passed away.

And dad is, is, would normally normally be awake by now but I think he in his bones he knows and he doesn't but yeah he well he he lived another week and and people came to visit him and stuff and and so he knew and and he even um he was so funny in his final days like

he um

Jeff Ross came over.

He was very close to my parents.

Roastmaster, Jeff Ross.

Roastmaster general, not your executive producer for May Night.

Though that would be, yeah.

And Jeff would not go by if your dad was on his way out.

Yeah.

What's the point?

Why would I go?

There's no soup there.

I got food.

I don't think I'll go.

He'd be talking to your dad as he was dying while texting.

Oh, God.

But anyway, so

Roastmaster, Jeffrey Royal.

Roastmaster General.

Yeah.

And he, first of all, he came, and I oddly, shockingly have this on video.

So I talk about the thing, and then you see it at the end, you know, like in the credits, I put a bunch of like videos and pictures like you know when you see a biography or something and then you you see that like the real people I like that anyway Jeff walked in and he said everyone called my dad Schleppe Schleppe I got bad news I don't think you can be my emergency contact anymore you know my dad was laughing and then Jeff had introduced my parents to this magician named Bernie Shine who's

closer to their age and they all became good friends and about six months earlier they had all gone to see Bernie do magic you know so Jeff is sitting with my dad and he goes, Do you want me to FaceTime Bernie so you could say goodbye?

And my dad said, Okay.

And because my dad wanted to go, he probably could have gotten better, but he was like, No, I'm good.

I want to, he really just wanted to be with his Janice.

So

Jeff calls him and he holds up, you know, the camera.

And

Bernie gets on and he goes, Donald, I'm so my, you know, Donald, I'm so sorry.

And my dad goes, Bernie, your show was so bad, it killed Janice.

God bless him.

That's hilarious.

And then he goes, and I'm not feeling so hot either.

He knew he was going to go dying.

Oh, my God.

That would be, I guess, I hope.

I mean, I hope I'm able or in condition.

Whenever my time comes, I hope I can be nice to be funny on the way out, wouldn't it?

You're going to be funny.

I don't know how you stop yourself from it.

I just want to do like, but I really want to do long, involved bits that take a long time that interfere with my medical care.

You're lying in bed like, I'm funny still, right?

Isn't that funny?

Yes.

How was that last one?

How was that last one?

Liza, it's funny, right?

Mr.

O'Brien, you'd live if you could just take this pill, but we can't get it in your mouth because it keeps moving.

But right.

But like, it's still funny, right?

Like, what I'm doing is funny.

I'm telling you, what you have is not that bad.

You just need this antibiotic right now if you just sit still.

He's dead.

He wouldn't stop.

Come on.

You love it here.

You love hanging with us.

We're the best.

We love it here.

What's better than hanging on?

How are we doing on time?

No, I'm just kidding.

No, we've, we've that was a real Kevin Nealon.

My favorite Kevin Nealonism of all time was when he was on the talk show once, and I've mentioned this, but I don't care.

He's on the talk show, and he's doing really well.

Everything's going great.

And then there's a brief pause where neither one of us are talking.

And Kevin just says, Where is our waiter?

Just

kills me.

And I've seen that clip is out there.

I think he's like the most underrated.

Although people do love him.

I mean, his episodes on this show consistently.

So he is acknowledged.

People know how funny he is.

He's the funniest.

I always tell,

I tell Kevin all the time, I'm telling you, you're the funniest and people know it.

Yeah.

It's out there.

It's out there.

Oh, okay.

So that's the, that's the line.

It's on the dark web.

Everybody knows.

No, he's so fucking, he's so funny and I love his jokes.

You know, his joke where he goes, this is what bothers me about like the generation after, you know, like that were of comics who are like, that's so hacky talking about airplanes, talking about rental cars, difference between New York or LA.

That's because comics used to have to be on the road, and they still do, you know, and that was their lives.

And that's what they're talking about.

It's not just hackneyed because, like, you heard someone tell you that stuff is hackneyed.

Nothing is if it's funny.

Like, there's no topic that

you can't talk about.

Anyway, this isn't part of his joke, but he has a joke about being on an airplane.

He goes, you know, I was on an airplane, you know, and I don't think that the pilot was very experienced.

You know, he got on and he goes, oh, thank you for flying with us.

We'll be taking off in roughly five to ten oh whoa whoa here we go

and then he comes back on 10 minutes later oh where is the uh oh here it is

and he used to do impressions that i don't think not on in on in his professional life but he would always do impressions of the Beatles talking about does this ring a bell no i'm not going to do it right.

You just have to have him do it when he's here.

But it's like,

I remember it was like, I was fucking John in the asshole and pulled down and came on his face.

And that's when we wrote, I will.

That's like an easy version of

like a real, like an almost aristocrat's version of that's always the Beatles talking about how they wrote songs.

I've never heard him go blue.

I think that's why it's just only for you know

at home words.

You just sold him out as being incredibly.

Yeah,

I adore him.

I adore that man.

We both do.

He's not here, but.

I mean, he's not dead.

He is to me.

Our thing is, we don't look each other in the eye.

We just will never be, you know, I won't take down my wall.

He won't take down his

pussy wall.

There's the way.

See, it all comes around.

Pussy around.

Oh, wait, no.

Okay, I'm stopping it here.

Pussy Pussy here.

The show is post-mortem.

It's streaming on Netflix.

Yeah.

And

I postmortem.

But it's not sad.

I mean, it's got sad moments, but it is.

It's a comedy special.

It's a comedy hour.

It's a comedy special.

It's a comedy special.

I don't think I, I just, all I did was say the title, and you went, it's not sad.

Well, I said, I said the title.

You have that title.

That's the title you came up with.

It's about my parents dying, but I am pointing out that it is, you know, just the funny parts.

A good comic can take any

event.

Tragedy plus less than a year equals comedy.

Thank you so much for being here.

We've said it all.

We said it all like Bogey and Bacall.

I treasure our friendship.

I do too.

And I'm happy whenever you're coming by.

And I think I learned a lot.

about female anatomies today and male anatomy and that Kevin Neal's really blue, disgusting comedian when I'm not around.

He never does that stuff for me, only for you.

Sad now.

But Sarah, thank you for being here.

He can also fart on command.

Anyway, thanks.

Bye.

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Yeah.

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Now, David, hopping, why don't you tell us about your Quince experience?

I just, it's been warm.

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And then we have some travel coming up to the East Coast this fall.

So I also got myself a nice suede bomber jacket.

I noticed that jacket and I complimented you on it.

You did.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I said, that's a nice-looking jacket.

You love a good jacket.

That stuff looked good.

Yeah.

It's great.

It's really good quality.

Yeah, it is.

Yeah, I saw David dressing very nicely and I was like, what's going on here?

You did ask if I was okay.

You're running a fever.

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Uncrustables are the best part of the sandwich.

I mean, we've been thinking that.

Why does hell say it, right, Sona?

Yeah, like, who needs a crust?

You've been saying that since the day I met you 15 years ago, Sona.

You said, who needs the crust?

And I said, first of all, my name's Conan.

You know,

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Yep, get them in the freezer aisle today.

Okay, let's do some review the reviewers.

This is where we kind of read through some of the Apple podcast reviews and we can review or answer or comment on anything they say.

So let's do it.

They're all five stars, right?

And they're all five stars.

Yes, this is from Deborah PDX, okay, called Conan the Bacterium.

I love you guys so much.

Have you heard about Conan the Bacterium?

This is a real bacterium that can survive radiation.

Check out the recent episode of Shortwave.

Here's a quote from the episode.

It sounds like it's describing all three of you.

Oh my God, he recalls thinking, there's something new that forms when you put the pieces together, which makes it better than one or the other.

It's the combination in which they interact with each other.

In other words, the interaction between the three components is greater than the sum of its parts.

Aw.

That's Conan and bacterium.

But I don't understand.

They say the bacteria is hard to defeat because it's got three components?

They just said it can survive radiation.

So, huh?

Good question.

What if that's what you're named after?

Because

your dad's a microbiologist.

What if he was like, oh, Conan is a bad person.

No, he is.

Bacterium and then you were born and he was like, oh, God, let's name this one Conan.

It's a really mean thing to say.

Well, that's not how I was named Conan.

Okay.

My dad went to the, I was unnamed for a little while.

For how long?

I was born,

I don't think that long, but they were, you know, they want the name right away.

And my dad said he wanted to go to the medical school library and look, he didn't have the name yet, and he looked up names.

He thought it should be interesting.

And my dad had very specific ideas about how a first name should work with a last name.

And because the last last name is O'Brien, he thought it should end with,

it should elide well with the last name.

Yeah, he's right.

He's right.

And he also wanted something that was simple.

He hated nicknames.

So his name was Thomas, and everyone called him Tom, and he didn't like that.

So he wanted a name that wouldn't be broken down into a nickname.

He had all these rules.

And so Luke, Neil, Conan.

But where did he find Conan?

He looked up, and I think it's, you know, one of the early religious figure.

I don't know if it was a cardinal who was in Ireland.

And actually,

there's a very famous thing called the Bayou Tapestry, which is this like cartoon that describes the battle in 1066 and all the things that happened when England was invaded by the Normans.

And there's one panel that shows a guy fleeing and underneath his name, he's a cowardly person.

It says C-O-N-A-N.

And then the next panel is Conan surrendering the keys to the city and he has the keys on a long pole.

Like he's so afraid, he just wants, doesn't even want to touch the bad guys.

He's just handing them the keys on a long pole.

Oh, my God.

It's one panel and then the next.

And my parents

years ago went to the gift shop where the Bayou Tapestry is held.

And you can look up the different panels.

And they bought the two panels and gave them to me.

Conan fleeing the battle and then Conan handing over the keys.

And

it's hilarious.

So I'm named for this guy.

I was going to say.

No, he didn't.

he saw this and they were named.

No, no, no.

That's not why he named me that.

He just, he found that later on and thought it was really funny.

He gave me that name because he saw it somewhere.

He thought it was really, didn't know anything about Conan the Barbarian.

Nothing.

It's cool.

Yeah.

Conan is a really cool thing.

It's just because all your other siblings have like pretty traditional names.

Yeah.

And then you're not traditional.

It's like,

you know, there's that story, that song by Johnny Cash, a boy named Sue, where a guy names his son Sue and he gets beat up all the time, but it makes him stronger.

And then at the end, he goes to his dad and says, why'd you call me Sue?

And he's just like, because it made you a tougher guy.

I was, you know, Conan was a little like that at times growing up.

Did it make you tougher?

Oh, God.

Well, clearly, you've seen him.

I'm a pretty rough and tumble fellow.

You're very much like the tapestry version of Donan.

I want the keys if you hand me over.

It can go one of two ways.

Which is the first time you're going to make you tougher or it make makes you immediately surrender at the Battle of Hastings.

The first time I met you, you just handed me your car keys.

I'm sorry.

On a pole.

I'm sorry.

Please don't hurt me.

So Krona named after your grandma.

Is that right?

My grandma.

Yeah.

Well, you know, I go by my middle name.

Talleen is just a, like a, I think it was just like a nice Armenian name, but then they just called me Sona.

Does Sona have a meaning?

Well, she was Greek, but the name itself in Hindi means gold.

That's cool.

But I don't know if it's if there's a like if there's a Greek meaning to it.

I don't know.

I have no idea.

Yeah.

You haven't given it much thought.

Matthew, are you named after anybody?

My namesake really belies me because it's really cool and it just doesn't fit for me.

I was named after Marshall Matt Dillon from Gunsmoke.

You're kidding.

What?

I know.

What a cool person to be named after.

I was almost named Festus.

And that's really funny if you watch that TV show.

My grandmother, who died the week I was born, loved that show and loved him.

So she kind kind of, I think to honor her, they named me after him.

I thought it was biblical.

Not my name.

I'm named after a TV show from the 60s and 70s is hilarious.

That's awesome.

I know my name is very biblical, Matthew James, but my dad's name is James.

None of it's biblical.

Interesting.

Very interesting.

Can I point out that it says in Latin sona means can be heard.

Oh, no way!

That's so funny.

Try not hearing her.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

That is so cool.

I can't believe I never thought to like Google that.

Do you know what math means?

What?

Gift of God.

It is a true.

Booze.

You didn't get everything right, God.

All right, I got a re-gift this one, God.

You got a factory irregular.

What am I doing?

What is this, a white elephant?

Nothing.

I'm jerking off the thing.

I'm doing the jerk-off motion.

Like, no one can see it.

When you do the jerk-off motion, you always have the penis way off to the side

and it's coming out at a a weird angle.

It's like around the corner, yeah.

What?

And also, no, it's not sad dressing, yeah, it's not salad dressing, and it's not castanets.

Oh, my God!

Oh, now you're a Pepe A.

Grind that out!

Oh, my God!

All right, well, let's don't look at the video for this, you won't like it.

No, I know, don't do it.

I'm worried for your husband.

Well, hey, thank you.

No wonder Tack has always doubled over in pain.

Surprise.

That's already done.

Is that how it's done?

You don't know what's going on.

Someone got all hot and heavy last night.

It's also not just one of those, it's all of those.

He's got to go through all of those.

Stop it.

Stop it.

Oh, my God.

Now he's at Benny Hanna.

Now he's at Benny Hanna.

Oh my God.

Oh, he made the onion volcano.

Okay, okay.

Let's wrap this up.

Thanks, you fan.

We took your kind of interesting scientific fact and we got to Benny Hanna chef chopping up with blades,

tacks,

tackle.

All right, peace out, Tupac.

Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonoma of Session, and Matt Gorley.

Produced by me, Matt Gorley.

Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Frost, and Nick Liao.

Theme song by The White Stripes.

Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

Take it away, Jimmy.

Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

Engineering and Mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns.

Additional production support by Mars Melnick.

Talent Booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn.

You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.

Got a question for Conan?

Call the Team Cocoa hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message.

It too could be featured on a future episode.

You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at seriousxm.com/slash Conan.

And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

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