Conan O’Brien Must Go: New Zealand Roundtable Discussion
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I mean, we've been thinking that.
Why does he say it, right, Sona?
Yeah, like, who needs a crust?
You've been saying that since the day I met you 15 years ago, Sona.
You said, who needs the crust?
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Okay, let's get started.
Okay, welcome.
If you are listening to this program right now, and you are because you can hear my voice, which is proof that you're hearing it.
Again, we're doing something a little different.
We did this last week.
Last week, we did a podcast about the Spain, Madrid episode of Colonel Brian Must Go, because that's when it dropped.
Well, guess what?
Today is the day that episode two in the series drops.
And today's episode then is about New Zealand because that is where I traveled.
I am joined by the crack team as opposed to the team on crack.
Why not not both uh these are all good quips uh and we'll edit them out uh
terrific team mike sweeney of course at the helm came in a little late wearing one of the one of the three shirts he owns yeah and i'm also joined by uh jesse favorite jesse gaskell it takes time to pick them out okay
worth interrupting jesse's intro for that little sorry little uh sprinkle um Jesse Gaskell, terrific writer, producer, joke writer, and Jose Arroyo,
also a terrific comedic mind.
And both of you have joined us.
It's a trap.
What's a trap?
It's a trap.
What you do is you put honey in the trap.
And then they fall into the pit and out of the spikes.
This team, this unit has come on most of the travel shows, just about all of them, if not all of them.
And I'm talking about the TBS days
and all those Conan Without Borders shows.
And now on the Max series, Conan Rebrian Must Go, season two,
we are today discussing the second episode in the series, which is New Zealand.
Guys, what did you think?
It's out now.
It's out right now.
Out right now as we speak.
It's amazing.
I loved it.
I actually saw it
just to prepare for this.
Oh, is that true?
You did somewhere.
You did a little homework.
You did preparation for this.
Okay.
And I saw it.
No, you're not ever supposed to watch these again.
I know.
I know.
So how does it hold up?
It holds up really, really well.
Your voice went up.
Sorry.
No, go ahead.
No, no, it holds up really well.
And it just,
you jump from the North Island to the South Island.
You cover,
we covered a lot of ground.
You covered a lot of ground, which is, yeah.
I mean, that's hard in that country because it involves flights and driving.
One of the things that we have found is in our travels is that,
you know, we go and the premise of the show is I visit fans that have reached out to me through the podcast.
And so these fans were pretty well distributed around both islands,
the north and the south.
I learned a lot.
I had never been to New Zealand before.
The people were extraordinary.
They were lovely.
We learned a lot about the
ancient culture,
the Maori culture.
Not so ancient.
It turns out they've only occupied the island for 800 years.
Longer than that.
Is that true?
Oh, wow.
That's what they were saying.
Yeah, during that welcoming ceremony, which I think was there.
I think it was there before that.
Before that, it was a medical conference.
Get away.
No, it was for Baoshan Lohm.
And it was interesting because when we went before we began filming, we were taken by a Maori guide to this mountaintop that looked over.
This is in the North Island in Auckland.
And
there was a long discussion about the history.
And then he led a ceremony.
It was kind of moving.
He was blessing the film shoe.
Yes, he was blessing the film shoe.
Another ancient rite.
Yeah.
And
which we should always do, really.
Yes.
Oh, okay.
So when I go to the American Girls Store to drink too much with a doll, there should be a blessing first at the American Girls Store.
Yeah,
it was really nice to be introduced to the culture and then visit the fans.
And we learned a lot.
Our visit coincided with something that is in the Guinness Book of World Records, which is part of the show, which is there is a ritual there called the haka.
To the uninitiated, just it looks kind of like a dance routine, like a very old kind of dance.
It looks like a flash mob.
Yeah, it looks like a flash mob, but it's something that's performed.
It's been around for, I'm guessing, hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of years, and it's very important to the culture.
And they tried to break the world's record for the largest number of people doing the haka at the same time.
So they filled a stadium and I was joined by none other than Taika Waititi.
Taika Waititi, who helped out.
And so that makes for a fun segment.
There were a lot of,
when I look at the footage of that now, when we were editing, I was stunned by how many people.
were doing the haka at the same time.
Because when you're doing it, you're just, you're in yourself, you're doing it, you're not quite aware.
But when you learn.
And you had just learned it too, so you were probably focusing on the moves.
Oh, I was just trying to remember
how to do this correctly, and it's intimidating because on one side, I had a you know, Maori guy,
and on the other side, I had taika, yeah, and um, people watching from the Guinness Book of World Records, and it's being recorded, so I was lots of news cameras, yeah, lots of news cameras.
I was in my head about let's do this correctly.
Well, I wasn't going on the New Zealand trip because I was still trying to figure out how to leave my baby.
Which is a code for battling your addiction.
You got a baby on your back.
Yeah, exactly.
You were at New Horizons.
Oh, I fell off the baby again.
You know, it's crazy.
Can I just back up for a second that you were with child when we went to
Norway and Thailand.
Norway and Thailand.
And we didn't know.
Of course, you kept it a secret.
Well,
you know that I have a policy.
No one's allowed to.
None of my writers are allowed.
You're like Rumpel Stiltskin.
You get the baby.
None of my writers are allowed to reproduce.
And it's a thing when you work with me that you have to sign.
And so you broke the rules.
And no, but so that was...
That was interesting that Dot, who's now how old a year?
She's a year and a half.
Year and a half.
Dot
was with us on
trips, which is really kind of cool.
Oh my God, that's right.
She's been to Norway.
I should have
bring her on all of them.
Well, actually, this means that she's in the union.
She's in the guild.
She's in the Writers Guild.
Oh my gosh.
Oh my gosh.
Yeah.
And
so now she's going to bankrupt the show.
She shows money.
Yeah.
She's going to dun you.
She's in a rear sale.
Yes.
So
yes, you weren't allowed to go.
Well, I was.
I just hadn't quite figured out a way to be gone for it because i knew the new zealand show that that trip in particular was going to be long it's a really long flight yeah and the trip was like almost two weeks i think that you guys were gone also this was you were newly
you know you were still getting to know your daughter and it was completely understandable that you were like yeah i don't i don't think i'm ready to go on this trip yeah and you guys were really really cool about it i have to say well but but then but then immediately after that trip um you said i so want to get away from this child
Sign me up for the once I saw the dailies.
Amazing.
The child did come with us.
Yeah, but you stayed here.
Yeah.
It's amazing.
Just weeks later, you were ready to go to Spain and meet Javier Bardell.
Yeah, somehow I did pull it together for that.
Pull it together.
You're right.
One of the most magnetic, sexy
mommy, mommy.
Yeah, please, not now.
Not now, don't you?
No, but I was going to say that I was at home and I was, you know, keep keeping track of the trip.
But that first day that you landed, I woke up and
all over the news were these shots of Conan doing the Haka.
And it was just, it was perfect because part of the Haka is that you do these really grotesque war faces.
And so the still that I kept seeing was you with your tongue out and your eyes engorged like a...
gargoyle.
Yes, yes.
Of course, hips thrust forward.
It was because I said engorged.
Yes.
Hips not engorged.
Devoid of any liquid.
Deflated.
But
that was our, yeah, the day we landed, which is probably the best time to learn that.
It's called Tearing Off the Bandage.
15 hours.
Very quickly, we dove right into
culture and me at a stadium.
Yes.
And
in front of all of New Zealand.
And then we did.
I don't want to give away any secrets, but let's just say
it's worth watching that episode to see what's happening in the stadium.
Then we're making our way through
the wilds of
the North Island and the South Island are quite different.
The South Island is the island where
Peter Jackson filmed a lot of fun.
Both islands.
He was on both sides.
He was on both islands, okay.
But yes, some of the most dramatic
yeah, when the hobbits are hanging out
in karaoke bars
and
driving catamarans around a marina, that's that's the north island
when the hobbits are going through uh middle earth yes that's the south island right exactly
yeah
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You know me, right?
Yeah, I know you.
And when I think of you, I think of bros.
Yeah.
A bunch of us get on our hogs, our choppers.
Yep.
We go up the coast, driving around, cruising with my gang.
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some of the distances we traveled to get we had to go over this big mountain pass to get to hokitika hokitika and that was quite a journey before we left the north island we did meet this young woman named Abby Howells, who was sort of getting me up to speed on,
I wouldn't say customs, but pronunciations, how people use it.
Attitudes.
Attitudes, how slang.
And she was,
without a doubt, one of the funniest people I've met.
Yeah.
Her improv, yes, and was off the charts funny.
You guys are doing like a two-person show.
Oh, my God.
I would tour,
I would do a two-person show with her in Vegas if I could.
She's so funny and really delighted and really delightful.
She should be an international star.
I just
think she will be.
Which is not something I say about everyone.
No, but she was amazing.
She's kind of the breakout, I think, kind of the breakout star of the New Zealand episode, Abby Howells.
And I just want to give a shout out to her because I'm hoping I cross paths with her again.
She was so
uniquely funny.
She's just funny in her bones and
just
so much fun.
And I love the segments with her.
Yeah.
Oh, they were.
We're at the ocean.
And again,
this is one of the magical things about these travel shows:
you guys do a great job of finding these people.
I don't know who they're going to be.
I get out of a van.
I walk up.
They say, this is Abby.
Hi, Abby.
And within two seconds, I'm thinking, she's hilarious.
This is really fun.
We did so much improv.
It was really fun.
I know.
Well, and I normally wouldn't, I think, I think someone telling me, just watch this half hour of improv would maybe turn me off a little bit.
But it was legitimately so funny watching the uncut.
Oh, the uncut.
Yes.
No, no, we wouldn't, we would never, we cut it down.
We would never ask you to watch half an hour of improv.
Jesse, how dare you suggest that?
It was hard to edit
because there were so many good chunks in there.
And it all built as it went.
So,
and it just got funnier and funnier.
And so then you're like, oh, how do we tighten this up without losing any of these great people?
I met the only other, I never meet anyone with a first name Conan, but you guys found someone in New Zealand whose name is Conan O'Brien.
And I met with him.
That was fun.
He was also really funny.
He was funny.
They were a naturally very funny people.
And that was our talent booker, Gina Batista, came in one day.
She goes, I got an alert that there's a Conan O'Brien or something on her phone.
She goes, I don't know that there's a Conan O'Brien who's in the city.
And he has one of my, he had my Mexican alert.
He had my Amex card.
We figured out where the leak was.
And he was, he was really funny.
He was great.
He would counsel him.
You know, it's funny.
There's something,
we found this a lot.
It's one of the things that I like so much about the travel shows is that you go to these other countries and they're
very self-possessed.
They're like, oh, yeah, okay.
I know this, I've heard of this Conan guy.
But anyway, and then they get on to just being themselves.
And so the comedy is, it's a different thing.
Yeah, they're not nervous around.
Oh, God, no.
No.
There's a, there's a, there's a
little scent of,
I don't know, disdain.
No, just be laid back.
Abby mentioned that that's one of the sort of national pride of New Zealand is how laid back people can be.
Yeah.
And they were all very unflappable.
Yeah.
And no matter, you know, just meeting someone in a, in a DVD store, guys just buying renting videos and they're just like, hey, Conan.
And they knew who you were but they're just like yeah and they're just kind of sleepy you traveled 45 000 miles to be here basically to the moon and back right
to go see them hey that's cool the um we go then we go to the south island and uh
that was pretty fascinating just because the
um
the winding van ride up over the mountains yes uh through fog past uh just i mean that
yes,
there's a part of this life of making remotes, and there's no escaping it where
if you're going to do this, you're going to be in a van for a long period of time.
Yes.
And some countries more than others.
And yeah, New Zealand is a van country.
You're in a van.
It's not luxury transport.
And there's no way, I mean, if you want to get from
which city were we in in the South Island?
Christchurch.
Christchurch.
We were in Christchurch.
Then for us to get to Hokatika, which is on the other side of the island south.
And this is getting closer to Antarctica.
That's the fascinating part.
And I really wanted to go all the way south.
And if we had been that kind of travel show that's actually trying to inform people,
and we would have, I would love to go back someday and go to the very southern tip because that's almost as close as you can get to Antarctica without getting on a boat.
Other than Patagonia.
Patagonia, I think, is a little closer.
We looked into it and we were kind of like Dunedin and down that way.
There's wildlife and, but, you know, yes, it would be
taking you away from the fan and it becomes a whole different show.
Exactly.
Exactly.
This will not be in the special, but my...
We finally get to Hokatika
and
what you will not see in the special is we we check into this hotel and I was taken up to this room that makes no sense.
I've stayed in every kind of hotel room in my life and this hotel room,
you take an elevator up two flights
to the third floor and then you walk down and they say just go through that door and you go through that door and there's some more stairs.
The stairs take you up to an elevator.
that is not functioning.
It's not a functioning elevator and hasn't been for a long time.
But then you like go up a ladder and there's another door,
and then you're in a hotel room, and there's an elevator door in that hotel room, but it doesn't open.
And that's in the like living room of the hotel room.
It was just, I couldn't figure it out for the life of me.
And then we
called it the penthouse suite, yes, penthouse suite, but it's the kookiest thing I've ever seen.
And then we
uh walked
to
a bar,
and there was karaoke at the bar.
And was it you, Jose, who played a cruel practical joke on me?
Or was it, oh, it was Chalemi.
It was Jason Shalemi.
Jason Shalemi called up a song and he said, You're next, Conan.
And I went, I don't want to do it.
And I said, No, no, no, you're next.
And it was Led Zeppelin.
Yeah.
A whole lot of love, a whole lot of love, which, if you know the song, you know, it's that, I mean, I don't know what the rules are.
If I can sing, I can't really sing it right.
Oh,
you need to
there's that part.
But then there's Led Zip on file acclaim.
Yeah, not for that.
I'll just say a cat got trapped
in a grain thresher.
But then, as you know, in that song, there's a long break
of just,
and so everyone's looking at me, so I'm just gyrating in this tiny bar and gyrating and gyrating and gyrating while various weird 1969 noises are playing.
And then finally,
and I was looking at Shalemi and I was like, you fucker.
And everyone's looking at me like you need to make this interesting, but it's impossible.
And then you finally get to the John Bonnam.
But again, that takes a while.
It's the worst song to do karaoke song.
Song should not be on that playlist.
I agree.
I agree.
And Jason Shalemi, wherever you are, I'm not going to fucking forget that.
And I will pay you back in kind.
Oh, he's the only one who could pull that off.
I have the whole thing on video.
I will say that.
Also, it's Jeff Ross's birthday.
We celebrated Jeff Ross's birthday.
That's right.
That's right.
That's why we did karaoke.
Is that why we did it?
That's right.
It was Jeff's birthday.
Jeff Ross's birthday.
And Jeff said, I want
to see Karat.
I want a whole lot of love in a very small bar.
And again, there were people in the the bar, regular patrons, who just could have cared less about any of us.
Yeah, they had no idea.
This is a photo of Conan just sitting there as it says musical break, 12 measures.
Yes, 12 measures.
And you know what I did?
I sat down.
I sat down, and I look like when someone's about to be executed by a firing squad and they allow them to sit in a chair.
Yes.
I'm like Gary Gilmore, just sitting there waiting for it to stop.
Accepting your fate.
Yeah.
But anyway,
we had
we,
I meet a fan there who lives in very remote conditions and that's worth watching off the grid.
Yes.
Yes.
So that was fun.
It was a very, again,
none of these two shows are alike because these countries are all so different.
And I stress there are a lot of travel shows out there.
I promise you, you will learn nothing from my travel show.
In fact, my travel show, and I've said this before, it robs you of any knowledge you may have had of that country.
It is a protein that eats at the brain.
But I think it's funny.
I like to think it's funny.
I hope it's funny.
There's a couple of Easter eggs in it.
A couple of Easter eggs?
Oh, yes.
Oh, my God.
I get to do another dramatic turn.
A lot of people right now are, if you like The Pit with Noah Wiley, if you like The Pit with Noah Wiley,
watch my travel show on Macs because let's just say New Zealand has their own version of the pit, Shortland Street, which is just as gripping
and intense.
And I get to act in it,
and
you get to really see my acting chops.
Exactly.
And I think
Noah Wiley should fear me.
He should fear if he because if he saw this, I think he would immediately.
That's why they rushed the pit on TV.
It wasn't ready.
It wasn't ready.
And they caught Windy around Shortland Street.
Yeah.
Yeah.
A lot of the basic sound editing hasn't been done on the pit.
The pit was going to cover a week at the hospital, and they found out you were coming.
And they said, let's take it away.
Donan's doing Shortland Street in New Zealand, and he blows Noah Wiley out of the water.
So what they did is they just quickly made it a day.
And instead of having all the script ready, they just, a lot of it is just people reading medications.
And contraindications.
And contraindications.
Well,
I want to thank you guys again.
And again, a shout out that you're here with me.
But Mike Sweeney, Jose Arroyo.
Good accent on there.
Yes.
I thought that was important.
And of course, Jesse Gaskell.
And
so glad that you guys, you guys worked so hard to make these shows come out.
And a shout out to the whole team.
Blae, of course, you were there.
Eduardo and Adam, you're in the studio, but you did nothing for these shows.
Chalemi, a shout out to you, Jeff Ross.
I'm very lucky to have you guys, and I'm going to say that,
and then I'm going to quickly make a joke about you guys being awful and a loadstone around my neck.
Shout out to Bex, our fixer in New Zealand as well.
She put together.
And to Bex Beer.
Okay, and to Bex Beer.
Which I probably shouldn't do because it doesn't matter.
We do have a secret.
I'm Miller Light with the fixer.
Yeah, Miller Light.
Bex is the one who found Abby Howells.
Yeah,
that's great.
This is the segment called Too Much Information.
And also
Monday Excel Company.
They were amazing.
Renting us a car.
The Kia Bird.
You were hilarious in many different ways.
Thank you, Bob.
Well, listen, I'm a painter who uses many different colors.
Yes, yes, yes,
which is my way of saying funny in different ways.
Anyway, check it out.
It's on Max.
Two-dimensional.
There are two episodes now out.
Last week was, of course,
Spain.
And this week is New Zealand.
And you can tune in next week.
We'll be doing a podcast about the third episode in the Conan O'Brien Must Go
series.
And we'll see you then.
Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan with Conan O'Brien, Sonoma Obsession, and Matt Gorley.
Produced by me, Matt Gorley.
Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Leo.
Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
Take it away, Jimmy.
Supervising producer Aaron Blair.
Associate talent producer Jennifer Samples.
Associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Burm.
Engineering by Eduardo Perez.
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