The Conan and Jordan Show – Beet Red Face

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Speaker 1 A Monday warrior, mean, me, strive. Today's time, so you mean, me, pride.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 It's time for an episode of the Conan and Jordan Show.

Speaker 1 Of course, we just heard Rush.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 And that's one of your favorite bands, if not your favorite band of all time.

Speaker 2 You hear the growl of that Moog synthesizer, indicative of early 80s synthesizers. No, it's actually Moog.
It's a Dutch name. It's actually pronounced Moch, if you really want to be accurate.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 1 And Moog himself.

Speaker 1 Yes. Just a quick favor.
There's a little slice there of go fuck yourself pie. Would you have just a little taste right there?

Speaker 2 I know a lot of people equate synthesizers with a late 80s sound. That is to say bright and blaring.
I'm talking specifically about 86, 87, and 88, the most horrible arguably year.

Speaker 2 But when you talk about early 80s, you're more of a buzzy synthesizer sound.

Speaker 1 You came out of the gate so hot, so fast, that we're in danger of scaring off the listener, even big fans of yours. So just take it easy.

Speaker 1 Take a breath, and let me introduce people to the concept of Conan and Jordan having a show together. I'm constantly stopped in the streets by people who say, you have that crazy Jordan character.

Speaker 1 Is he real? And I say, yes, he's absolutely real. And we thought, what better way to delight the serious XM listener than by capturing some of that magic right here in the studio?

Speaker 1 And that's why you're here, Jordan.

Speaker 2 Okay, I understand.

Speaker 1 And we play that song up front because you have made it very clear you love Rush, you love that Tom Sawyer song.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 we're here to learn more about you and maybe learn more about our relationship, how we get along and how we relate to each other. I as human, you as robot from the future.
I see.

Speaker 1 Sent here to destroy us.

Speaker 2 I'm not completely convinced that we have a show. I feel like when most people get a show, there's some kind of feeling of accomplishment.
Will I be financially compensated for this?

Speaker 1 I haven't been engaged.

Speaker 1 You should just be proud that you're here with Conan O'Brien and that your thoughts are being captured and put out into the atmosphere. I think that's the achievement.
Money, what does money do?

Speaker 1 Money just muddies the waters. It soils

Speaker 1 the whole enterprise, don't you believe?

Speaker 2 I think my artistic services should be adequately compensated.

Speaker 1 Well, first of all, you're calling yourself an artist now? Yes. Because you can babble on about a Moog Moonk synthesizer at length? Moch.

Speaker 1 And if you're an artist, what is your medium? You know,

Speaker 2 the spoken word, clearly.

Speaker 1 Okay. Oh, okay.
All right.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 1 Some work in oils. Some, of course, in clays.
You work in raw irritation.

Speaker 1 You're a difficult guy to speak to. And yet I overcome

Speaker 1 I overcome my irritation to be with you today because it clearly does delight people.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 1 And that's why we're here.

Speaker 1 And there's so much to talk about, first of all, when I

Speaker 1 won't name the protein bar, but I have a protein bar here, and you noticed it, and you mistook it for a candy bar at first, but it's just a protein bar.

Speaker 2 That's covered in chocolate, right?

Speaker 1 I don't think that's chocolate.

Speaker 2 That's not chocolate? There's a brown substance coating your candy bar.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but I don't even know what that is, but it's not chocolate. It doesn't taste good enough to be chocolate.

Speaker 2 I'm not aware of any alternatives to chocolate that have that brown appearance.

Speaker 1 Well, I can think of one.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 it's called a mcshitty, this bar. And

Speaker 1 I enjoy it.

Speaker 1 It gives me that little something I need in the middle of the day. I traditionally only eat two meals a day.

Speaker 2 It gives you something you need? It does.

Speaker 2 What type of protein is in that bar? A low-quality protein like pea or soy, or is it like a high-quality, whey-only protein bar?

Speaker 1 I don't want to get into it. That's not what we're here to talk about.

Speaker 2 What's the balance of proteins that carbohydrates to fat? Do you just shove something in your mouth because maybe your trainer recommended it, or did they have it at your gym? I don't understand.

Speaker 3 Jordan, what do you think what you're doing right now is worth monetarily?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Is this your art right now? What I'm saying is.

Speaker 2 Bullying someone.

Speaker 1 This is a slow burn.

Speaker 2 Why don't you go to go for like rapid fire laughs? We're here. People are driving to work.
This is slow and steady.

Speaker 1 Okay. Anyone listening to this right now has probably stopped their car along the side of a road and possibly is thinking of ending it all.

Speaker 1 So don't make any assumptions about what the listener is doing. Okay.

Speaker 1 I don't know what's in here. I actually don't have my glasses in studio.
Here, let me borrow yours, Frank. Please look, Frank is letting me borrow his glasses.
I can't reveal the name of the bar.

Speaker 1 Protein blend, soy protein isolate, calcium. Right out of the gate.
Whey modified.

Speaker 2 Genetically modified.

Speaker 2 Is it genetically modified?

Speaker 1 Well, I am.

Speaker 1 I've been genetically modified. No one's this funny, naturally, or this good looking.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's

Speaker 1 sodium cassinate, all the stuff that was in the Bible, in the Old Testament.

Speaker 1 Alkalized cocoa.

Speaker 2 Why don't you try like a Rise-branded bar, which is just like 100% whey protein?

Speaker 1 Okay. All right.

Speaker 3 Here's your money.

Speaker 1 There you go. There's your money for your art that you just practiced by irritating me.
You know, this actually leads us nicely into our topic today,

Speaker 1 which is I wanted to talk to you about nutrition. Now, one of the things that fascinates me about you, Jordan, other than your complete lack of a heart rate or any kind of brain function.

Speaker 1 What really fascinates me about you is that

Speaker 1 you embody so many contradictions. I'm fascinated by this strange dichotomy in your diet.
You're all about healthy foods, but am I correct? You have a real weakness, fondness for junk foods.

Speaker 2 Well, there are, like any human being, I'm not impervious to marketing efforts by various large corporations that produce processed food products.

Speaker 2 I have cravings like anyone else.

Speaker 1 You always talk like you're in a deposition. Have you noticed that?

Speaker 1 This is not a deposition. This is a conversation between two friends.
Me compensated, you not.

Speaker 1 I don't understand why you talk that way. So you're saying you like junk food?

Speaker 2 I'm saying I have certain cravings.

Speaker 2 Candy is not a particular craving of mine.

Speaker 2 I would never eat a bar such as the one you're eating that's covered in a chocolate-like substance that that smells like chocolate, looks like chocolate, but according to you, may not be chocolate.

Speaker 2 I don't have cravings for candy.

Speaker 2 You know, I'll have like a tiramisu, I'll have a

Speaker 1 tiramisu or ice cream does not count. I'm talking about,

Speaker 1 I think, I remember going through your office and finding boxes of cereal. Okay.
And let's talk about that. Okay.
You like children's cereals.

Speaker 2 Well, it's interesting that you bring that up. I would say once every three to four years, I'll get a craving for some commercial breakfast cereal, okay?

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 1 well, okay, when you say commercial breakfast cereal, specifically, what are you talking about? Give me some brands.

Speaker 2 Oh, I'm talking about your Kellogg's General Mills, maybe even a Quaker.

Speaker 1 Those are not, I want specific companies. Okay.
You're telling me about companies.

Speaker 1 I want to know

Speaker 1 the names of the cereals. Tell me the names of the cereals.
Okay. Oh, great.
Oh, great connoisseur of foods. Tell me what these are.

Speaker 2 First of all, I do not believe that

Speaker 2 any breakfast cereal is healthy, okay? Even if they're marketed as such, even if they don't have added sugar.

Speaker 2 I believe the whole concept of extruding wheat or other grains is indigestible to the body, makes the body work hard.

Speaker 2 Even a supposedly healthy cereal like Cheerios, which is marketed as having whole grains, I don't think is healthy for the human body. That's my own belief.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry if I get the show in trouble for saying so.

Speaker 1 Now, not at all, not at all. Now, no, not at all, not at all.

Speaker 1 And first of all, I'm going to make it clear, those are your views, not mine. Yes.
All these cereal companies you mentioned, I'm a big fan of.

Speaker 1 I love those companies and I'd love to be in business with them.

Speaker 1 And I'm willing to hawk or market anything that they're selling. I don't care if it's irradiated.
I have no soul. But you, but you, Jordan.

Speaker 2 I'm going to fall off the wagon. Yes.
Understanding that I don't believe any of them are healthy.

Speaker 2 I'm going to go for the maximum impact, satiate my craving so that craving goes away and leaves it stormed for another three to four years. Give me the name.

Speaker 2 Okay, so, well, I made some new discoveries recently, but historically, I would say my holy grail, my guilty pleasure, would have been like fruit loops.

Speaker 1 Fruit loops.

Speaker 2 Regarding fruit loops, you have an American version of Fruit Loops and you have a British version of Fruit Loops.

Speaker 1 Oh, wait a minute. There's a British version of Fruit Loops.

Speaker 1 Hold on. They have a British version of Fruit Loops.
First question: is toucan Sam on the box or is it a different bird? No, it is toucan Sam.

Speaker 1 Or is their bird a lady, which is what the Brits refer to as a lady?

Speaker 2 Who says toucan Sam isn't a lady? Sam is a gender-neutral name. Very good.

Speaker 1 I like the way you've evolved. Go ahead.

Speaker 2 There are certain regulations in the European Union that prohibit the use of artificial colors, for example. So the fruit loops in the UK have different colors.

Speaker 2 They're colored by natural products, turmeric, spinach, things like this.

Speaker 2 And sure, the colors are a little more muted than the artificially colored product we get here in the United States, but that's a small price to pay.

Speaker 2 And furthermore, I found that the fruit loops in the United States have

Speaker 2 hydrogenated oil and the British ones do not. I've never had the pleasure of consuming the British ones.

Speaker 1 They're not readily available. Why are you shouting?

Speaker 2 Why are you shouting? This is my normal tonality.

Speaker 2 By the way, we have a man, Eduardo, who can adjust the input level to kind of.

Speaker 1 Lower the irritation levels.

Speaker 2 Okay, I would like to try the British Fruit Loops. Nevertheless, Fruit Loops was always my holy grail.

Speaker 2 And I'll tell you something, not about Fruit Loops, but about tricks with Jose General Mills cereal.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 2 So they also have artificial colors here. And a number of years ago, General Mills took the admirable stance and they said, we are going to phase out artificial colors in our cereal.

Speaker 2 And I said, finally, our country is moving forward. They listen to the the consumer.
The consumer votes with their dollar. Consumer trends show people want healthier.
McDonald's offers salads now.

Speaker 2 So now finally they're getting rid of artificial colors. And they did.
And of course, the colors were now natural. They were a little more muted.
And the cereal tasted exactly the same.

Speaker 2 And suddenly there was an angry letter writing campaign by Americans complaining about this change. People saying, this is not the cereal I grew up with.

Speaker 2 I do not want my children having these disgusting colors. And I'm thinking to myself, you're blowing it.
You're blowing it. We're finally moving forward as a nation.
And

Speaker 2 you're saying the exact opposite of what you should have said. People are so disappointed that Cereal wasn't as bright as it used to be, tasting exactly the same.
And you know what General Mills did?

Speaker 2 They said, sorry, we made a mistake. And they put the artificial colors back in.
And that's regression. And I'm incredibly ashamed of this country's reaction to the naturally colored tree.

Speaker 1 Well, I love America. I'm a proud citizen of the United States, and it's been very good to both myself and my ancestors.
So I disagree. When America makes a decision, I back it 100%.

Speaker 1 Second of all, you're under this impression that people buy their cereals based on the company that made them. No one goes to the supermarket and says, where's the General Mills aisle? Okay.

Speaker 1 And where's the Kellogg's aisle?

Speaker 2 My favorite General Mills to Kellogg's aisle.

Speaker 1 No one cares. Just talk about the cereals.
I'm telling you, going forward.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? No one does that. No one else does that.
No one even thinks about who makes these cereals. It's not important.

Speaker 1 So your dream, the dream was fruit loops, okay?

Speaker 2 But recently I had one of my cravings that I wanted to satisfy, and I was in the supermarket, so I went to the cereal aisle and I said, let me just take care of this, nip this in the bud, and then it will disappear and I can eat normal.

Speaker 2 unprocessed foods for another three years. So I filled my basket with my holy grail fruit loops and then I mixed it up a little bit.

Speaker 2 I also did Golden Grams, which was also one that I have liked historically. And I went with a Lucky Charms, which is like a wild card guilty pleasure, another one of those super sugary cereals.

Speaker 2 And then I went with Quaker cereal life. Life is not quite as sweet as some of the other ones.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we don't need to know the company.

Speaker 2 Just say life. Okay, life cereal.
Now, I did some experimenting and I had some revelations about these cereals now as a grown man.

Speaker 2 You know, I change as I go through life, and my reaction every few years is different than the previous occasion.

Speaker 2 So I determined that while life, I still enjoy the taste and it's lower sugar than the others,

Speaker 2 there was some digestive instability.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 Did you get the runs?

Speaker 1 Did you get the shits?

Speaker 2 There was some digestive instability.

Speaker 1 Did you blow up gaskets south of the border?

Speaker 2 What happened? Sometimes you feel stable in the gastrointestinal tract, and sometimes you don't.

Speaker 1 So you had a, whatever, you had a six-hour makeout session. There was no, first of all, you had a six-hour makeout session with your toilet.
Is that what happened?

Speaker 2 I don't want to overstate this. There was no violent reaction.
I'm aware of the subtleties of my body. You see, I look deep beneath the surface.

Speaker 1 Subtleties of your body. It sounds sounds like you ate something.
I don't know why you're laughing. I'm not laughing.
I think this is... Look at you.
You look maniacal.

Speaker 2 You look at my face. Let me tell you something.
That's your face.

Speaker 2 I don't need a violent explosion to tell me something is wrong. I know I can detect subtleties in my body and my own digestion.

Speaker 1 Well, how subtle was it?

Speaker 2 You may not have even noticed it, but I'm telling you, I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 I'm telling you, I'm not sitting high side. I'm not hanging my body.

Speaker 1 I'm not hanging out by your toilet.

Speaker 2 Why do you keep bringing out the toilet?

Speaker 1 Because you mentioned the toilet. You said that.

Speaker 2 Because you have the word digestive instability.

Speaker 1 Digestive instability usually means one thing.

Speaker 2 For you, it does, because you're a man of extremes, okay?

Speaker 1 So you hear this, and

Speaker 2 you imagine a man on a toilet bowl, beat red face, sweat flying off his body.

Speaker 1 What do you mean by that? What are you talking about?

Speaker 2 What I'm telling you is, do you need to know this particulars? Isn't the fact that there's digestive instability already a red flag to stay away from life cereal?

Speaker 2 Again, no offense to the Quaker Road Company.

Speaker 1 This was only my channel. From the companies.
This is my own. Don't mention the companies.
I do a lot of business out there.

Speaker 1 I am a very business-friendly comic.

Speaker 2 What I'm saying is, I prize my gastrointestinal stability.

Speaker 2 I like to have certain conditions.

Speaker 2 I like to feel empty, light, okay? Light on my feet. I don't want to be bloated.
I don't want excess bulk. I just want to be empty.

Speaker 1 You don't want to be running to the toilet at three in the morning.

Speaker 2 Listen to me.

Speaker 1 Does the toilet scream when it sees you coming?

Speaker 2 There's a pressure. It's a subtle pressure.

Speaker 2 Okay. You feel a pressure in your bowel yeah sometimes and it's very subtle okay

Speaker 2 it's not that subtle so the problem is when you have when you have this pressure it desensitizes the bowel to what normal pressure should feel like anyway regardless let's move on from that so I eliminated life so that's your critics food critics

Speaker 1 that's your food

Speaker 1 Your food critics report on life cereal. In my case, there was some digestive instability.
Heaviness in the bowel.

Speaker 2 An unstable,

Speaker 2 subtle pressure.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 2 So I rejected life cereal from the running, although I did enjoy the taste. And there are some people that may be completely stable.
I can't speak for your own experience. Okay, so I put life aside.

Speaker 2 Now, fruit loops was not as great as I remembered it. In the end, I found it monotonous, the fruit loops.
It was one tone. And what really surprised me was fruit, was Lucky Charms.

Speaker 2 Let me talk a little bit about Lucky Charm. I made some characters.

Speaker 1 I'm a fan of Lucky Charms.

Speaker 1 There was a time when I was a child when I thought, well, maybe this is a misrepresentation of of the Irish people, but I came to embrace it. Sure.

Speaker 1 And I love Lucky Charms.

Speaker 2 Here's my take on Lucky Charms, okay? First of all, I removed half the marshmallows. I found that there are too many marshmallows as in stock in the manufacturers.

Speaker 1 No. There's too many.
No. It's a good thing.
The marshmallows are like the best part. I'm not saying they're not.
They actually saying less is more.

Speaker 1 I think there's been a movement to have them make a Lucky Charms that's only the marshmallows, and I would be behind that. Okay, well,

Speaker 1 because the other part of Lucky Charms is just a conventional company.

Speaker 2 Well, it's funny you bring that up, and I made a discovery. Now they are are made with General Mills, and I recognize

Speaker 2 companies. I recognize that the flavor of the non-marshmallow part was very familiar to me, and then I realized they're Cheerios.
They're honey nut Cheerios.

Speaker 2 They are sweetened Cheerios plus marshmallows, same company, same ingredients of the non-marshmallow portion.

Speaker 1 You just

Speaker 1 did,

Speaker 1 you just blew the lid off this thing because I did.

Speaker 2 And if you remove half of the marshmallows and you eat Lucky Charms, you're eating Cheerios, sweetened Cheerios, plus some extra bonus marshmallows.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, they are here. We go Lucky Charms.
All right, here's Lucky Charms.

Speaker 2 And they've got all take out half the marshmallows.

Speaker 1 No, don't take out half the marshmallows. I love the marshmallows.

Speaker 2 You can have half of my marshmallows.

Speaker 1 Well, okay, we should share an apartment then because then I could get all the marshmallows and you could just eat whatever this other, I mean, basically, that's a packing material they put in there.

Speaker 1 Did you know that Amazon uses this as their packing material when they ship?

Speaker 1 I love the marshmallows. And I also love, when I was a kid, they just had, these just were monochromatic.
It was just an all-yellow or an all-gold.

Speaker 1 Now they have different

Speaker 1 faded colors. They've spray painted each marshmallow in the colours.

Speaker 2 They're encouraging this use of artificial colors as those people that wrote those letters to General Mills did.

Speaker 1 It tastes really good, this stuff.

Speaker 1 I think you were right. I'm going to say this.
I don't agree with you on much, and I think a lot of what you've said is pure idiocy and lunacy, but your choices are correct, oddly enough.

Speaker 1 Fruit loops are superior, and lucky charms are superior.

Speaker 1 Both quite furials.

Speaker 2 See, I told you I was disappointed by Fruit Loops.

Speaker 1 And now I'm just eating the marshmallows, and you know what? I'm in heaven. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I actually feel wasteful when I throw away half my marshmallows.

Speaker 1 It's good to know that you would have appreciated them. Can you save them for me?

Speaker 2 Can you save them for me? You know what? You can buy your own marshmallows. It's ridiculous to suggest that I would save them and transport them to you.
Do you want some fruit loops?

Speaker 1 Yeah, let me try the fruit loops. Take a look.

Speaker 2 Take a look at the British Fruit Loops and understand that they taste the same. And tell me if you would really...

Speaker 1 I can't wait till my at customs at Heathrow and they say what's your business here in London Mr. O'Brien and I say I'm here to check out your fruit loops

Speaker 1 I'm laughing at you not with you

Speaker 1 Are there other foods besides cereals that you go crazy for? I mean, is it talking about processed foods? Yeah, processed foods. I mean, I know that you like Pop-Tarts.
I know that you like...

Speaker 2 I don't like Pop-Tarts. That was

Speaker 2 in 2008.

Speaker 1 Okay. So, what happened?

Speaker 2 It was 2007, by the way, aired in early 2008.

Speaker 1 I'm a good driver.

Speaker 2 That was a good one. We shot it in December.

Speaker 1 Watner's on at five. Okay.
Good driver.

Speaker 1 That's great. I'm happy for you that you're happy.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Other

Speaker 2 processed foods are not my weakness.

Speaker 1 So, your aberrant behavior, you say, comes in cravings.

Speaker 1 I do want to

Speaker 1 call something to your attention. Okay.
I am a fan of

Speaker 1 crime, true crime, and I've done a lot of.

Speaker 2 Crime itself or documentaries about crime?

Speaker 1 I love crime. Okay.
I'm a coward myself, but if I could get away with it, I would. All right.

Speaker 1 But serial killers specifically, many of them have described that it's an urge that comes over them every couple of years, and then they go insane.

Speaker 1 Their eyes get demonic the way yours did when you were talking about Fruit Loop's unlucky charms. And they commit these horrible acts.
Their face is splattered with blood.

Speaker 1 And then they compose themselves, they clean up the scene, and they go back to their, quote, regular lives where they're very contained and robotic. You exhibit all of the same traits.
It's the same.

Speaker 1 It really is the same.

Speaker 2 The only difference being that some men kill people and some men eat cereal.

Speaker 1 You say tomato, I say tomato.

Speaker 1 You're a murderer.

Speaker 2 You can eat your soy protein impervious to any criticism. While I'll consume high-quality whey protein, and once every three years, I'll have some lucky charms.

Speaker 1 All right. Well, I think we've exhausted this issue.
And by the way, that means that you've exhausted me.

Speaker 1 I want nothing more to do with you.

Speaker 2 We're going to take a little break. We'll be right back.

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Speaker 1 Hey, we're back. I'm here with my co-host, Jordan Schlansky.
Jordan, when I walk this earth, and I do walk this earth, people are always asking me about you. Do you get questions when you walk around?

Speaker 1 Do people come up to you and say, hey, I know you, you're that guy, Jordan?

Speaker 1 they do. Yeah.
And what's their,

Speaker 1 what do you hear from those people? What's the feedback you're getting?

Speaker 2 Well, the mere fact that people approach and oftentimes want a photo or a selfie already tells me that they're appreciative of the work that I guess you and I do together, the artistic work, our contribution.

Speaker 1 Well, people have tried, you know, if they see Sasquatch, they try and get a photo.

Speaker 1 So it's not always a compliment. It's like a, oh, Jesus, there it is.
Let me try and and get a photo of it in real life before it scurries away.

Speaker 1 But people are nice to you. Yes, they are.

Speaker 1 Do they question you about our relationship in real life?

Speaker 2 I can't recall any questions about you in particular.

Speaker 1 Oh, really? They're not interested in me at all.

Speaker 2 I get questions about myself, but

Speaker 2 that's my own experience.

Speaker 2 You might get questions about you and not me.

Speaker 1 No, I only get questions about you.

Speaker 3 How How often do you hear people ask you what you do on the show and

Speaker 3 what your duties are?

Speaker 2 Generally, it comes from Conan.

Speaker 2 No one else asks me what I do.

Speaker 2 It's a fascination of yours.

Speaker 1 Well, it's a fascination. I have to say,

Speaker 1 well, in the course of the time that we've been doing this

Speaker 1 radio show,

Speaker 1 you've constantly asked me when you're going to get paid. And I think there's no proof that you've actually done anything for me in 25 years of employment, and yet you've been steadily paid.

Speaker 1 So I'm just curious, why should I pay you at all?

Speaker 1 You may owe me tons and tons and tons of back pay from years, years of working for me and being well compensated and living a very nice life and going to wonderful restaurants and traveling the world and

Speaker 1 doing what I can tell is nothing. Every time I've quizzed you on what you do on the show, you have no idea.
And now all I do is want to chat with you briefly on the Sirius channel.

Speaker 1 And what do you say repeatedly? When am I getting paid? How much am I getting paid? Where's my money? That's offensive. I thought we were friends.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Nevertheless, I believe that artistic contribution should be compensated.

Speaker 1 What is art? What are you talking about? Art. There's no art here.

Speaker 2 I'm talking about when I'm finally engaged by Sirius and given a contract, I expect to be referred to as the artist

Speaker 2 in parentheses. That's generally how these things work.

Speaker 2 Are Are you an artist?

Speaker 1 When you walk your dog and it poops, do you say, ah, the artist is done?

Speaker 1 I would like to now frame his work and pick it.

Speaker 1 Is that your attitude about what art is?

Speaker 2 I don't have a dog.

Speaker 1 What I'm telling you is... That was a hypothetical dog.
Yes. And why do you hate dogs?

Speaker 2 What I'm telling you is I'm not responsible for the people.

Speaker 2 I'm not responsible for the U.S. financial system and the business model that exists where if you work, you get paid for that work.
I didn't invent that, but nevertheless, that's where we are.

Speaker 2 I'm going through life. Your eyes are crazy again.
I'm just going through life. Your eyes are society like everyone else.

Speaker 1 Your eyes are insane again. Right.
Are you aware what happens to your eyes? Want me to do it for you? I don't know. Your eyes get very wide.
Okay.

Speaker 1 There's a sharp break, a crazy break in the eyebrows, and you get a frozen smile, otherwise known as aurichtus, a frozen smile of a grinning ghoul. The smile that a corpse gets when it starts to,

Speaker 1 you know, decompose. the muscles pull back and it gets a frozen, eerie, crazy smile.
The death mask.

Speaker 2 That's your face. These are my human expressions.
I did not craft this. I didn't ask for this body.

Speaker 1 I was given

Speaker 1 skillet shirts. No one else.

Speaker 2 I was given this facial structure, and that's the way my facial structure reacts to any number of stimuli.

Speaker 1 But you could work on it. Have you worked on trying to have a regular smile?

Speaker 2 No, I have not worked on trying to have a regular smile.

Speaker 1 Well, you should work on it a little bit. You know, you only get one life.
You don't want to walk around and every time. What do your kids think when you start smiling on their birthday?

Speaker 1 And they think, why is that? I haven't had a fairy. Daddy's going to murder my smile other than

Speaker 1 your children don't want to talk to you.

Speaker 1 They're terrified of you. Yeah.
Sometimes

Speaker 1 a child is too afraid. When there's a masked, grinning, murderous clown in the house, a child doesn't go up to it and say, let's talk about this.
So I'm just saying, there's a chance here.

Speaker 1 You should talk to your wife and maybe

Speaker 1 we can help you.

Speaker 2 So what's your specific complaint right now? What's your grievance that my smile is aesthetically?

Speaker 1 amazing? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Is that what you needed to express?

Speaker 1 It looks evil. Okay.
It's sort of evil and my night holds me.

Speaker 1 So, Jordan, you're going to, we've agreed you're going to work on your smile and on just being a little more normal, okay?

Speaker 2 That will make you more comfortable for me to have a different smile. I guess I could consider it.

Speaker 1 I know that it's within my power. How's your workout regimen? What are you doing these days?

Speaker 2 Oh, yes. Well,

Speaker 2 you know, this is a complex question.

Speaker 1 I don't know if it's possibly beyond scope of this medium. Simplest question of all.
What's your workout regimen? What are you doing? Yes.

Speaker 2 Well, primarily I like to lift heavy objects. I believe in resistance training, also known as strength training.

Speaker 2 I stress my muscles beyond their capacity to prompt them to grow larger.

Speaker 1 Why do you do that? Everyone knows what... building muscle involves.
You don't have to explain the process.

Speaker 2 I don't know if everybody knows. You take that for granted because you have high-powered trainers.
The point is, if you don't stress your muscle, be honest,

Speaker 2 you have to work out to failure, okay? You have to work out until you can't lift another rail.

Speaker 1 Hey, buddy, you're there.

Speaker 1 Look at your face.

Speaker 1 You just took a torpedo amidships. You're going down by the bow.
Of all my employees, you're the one that's been the most honest with me over time about my appearance. Okay.

Speaker 1 And it's not always easy for me to hear. Oh.
And sometimes it's very painful for me to hear. But could you just tell me how you think I'm looking these days?

Speaker 2 How you're looking these days.

Speaker 1 Well, be honest. And you don't have to be mean if you don't on purpose.

Speaker 2 First of all, we need to be relative. We need to be relative to your age.
Okay. I'm not going to assess you as if you were a 20-year-old.

Speaker 2 Do you look as good as a 20-year-old? No, of course not. You wouldn't expect to.

Speaker 2 So there's that.

Speaker 2 So you've got, you know, age. And,

Speaker 2 you know, there are certain,

Speaker 2 look, you're a nice guy.

Speaker 1 I mean, what I'm saying is

Speaker 1 what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 Look, look, there are

Speaker 2 physically speaking, physically speaking, you have strengths, okay?

Speaker 2 What's your

Speaker 1 posture?

Speaker 2 And for a taller guy, you know what?

Speaker 2 Most people, when they hit puberty, people that are tall, they kind of developed a hunch stance because they're trying to like diminutize themselves because they feel a little immediately.

Speaker 1 No, I didn't hit puberty. No, I just stayed, but I stayed erect.

Speaker 2 No, for a tall man, you're quite, you are quite erect. You stand with good posture.

Speaker 1 But why you? I mean, you can say, clearly I work out. Isn't that clear to you?

Speaker 2 Well, I know that you work out because I know you and it's come up in discussion. Yeah, sure.

Speaker 1 But no, but when you look at me. And when I look at you.
Be honest. Come on.
You can tell I'm in pretty good shape.

Speaker 2 Who knows what you would look like if you didn't work out? So by that reckoning, I'm guessing that working out has certain benefits to your. You're talking about visually?

Speaker 1 You want to know how you visually look? Yeah. When I walk into a room, what are you thinking?

Speaker 2 Well, look, a man is a complex sum of his parts and then some. I don't just

Speaker 2 dissect your physical appearance and separate it out from everything else. When you walk into a room, I say

Speaker 2 there's a man

Speaker 2 and he's got

Speaker 1 some strengths.

Speaker 1 This is like the worst day of my life.

Speaker 1 What can I say? I don't see why it's so hard for you to say. I hear a lot of compliments from some of the people that work here, younger people, and they say, oh, you look really good.
You look thin.

Speaker 1 You look like you work out. And you don't say any of those things.

Speaker 2 Well, I don't know what kind of feedback you're looking for. Do you want a thin? Well, sure.
I mean, you're not obese. So, you know, I mean,

Speaker 2 I've seen you different weights over the years. That's okay.

Speaker 1 There were different strains and pressures over time. Sometimes I probably

Speaker 1 self-medicated with food, but I think I've got it all under control.

Speaker 2 I mean, look, this is not 2000, late 2004, early 2005.

Speaker 1 I mean, you know, that's the period when you really thought I went to shit.

Speaker 2 No, you looked great. That's when you looked great.

Speaker 1 Late That's when I looked.

Speaker 2 No, you had a good few years, even through 2007. A few years.

Speaker 1 A few years. No, I can hear you.
I mean, at your peak.

Speaker 1 What do you mean by that?

Speaker 2 Is this the lowest you've ever been? No.

Speaker 1 A lot of people think I look younger than, say, a 60-year-old man would normally look. Do you think that's true? Yeah, I'd say so.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay. Yeah, you're not, I mean, 60, is that like a senior citizen? But by the strictest definition, I don't know when.
When do you not have to take your shoes off at the airport? 62?

Speaker 2 No, I'm just saying, like, I don't understand what's considered elderly, but, but you do not look elderly. Thank you.

Speaker 2 If people think 60 is elderly, and I'm pretty smart,

Speaker 1 I think there's a good chance I could take you in a fight. I think I would tear you apart.
Yeah, you've got height. Yeah.
No, you do not. No, no, not just height, but strong muscle tone.
Absolutely.

Speaker 1 I could totally rip you apart.

Speaker 2 Yeah, even at your worst in 2000, you know, one, two.

Speaker 1 I was upset. There was a lot of horrible things happening in the world.
Yeah, yeah. So I ate of the pizza pie.
What's the problem?

Speaker 1 Every now and then, terrible things would happen, and I would compensate by eating.

Speaker 2 So when you say you had a bad year, like nutritionally speaking, what are we talking? Late night binges? Like what were you doing to get me?

Speaker 1 I was doing everything.

Speaker 2 I'm just saying, how does it happen?

Speaker 1 Why wasn't Linda Wars and Wells? Explain to me what you're saying. No one was writing in and saying that I was the tub of late night binges.

Speaker 2 What I'm saying, was it just that every meal was slightly bigger? Were you just eating late at night before being at rest?

Speaker 1 You know my issue. My issue is

Speaker 1 I can really lock it down, but then like you, I have times of insanity. Okay.
And there were some times of insanity.

Speaker 2 But are you eating like hot dogs, like large quantities?

Speaker 1 I think I can get into my

Speaker 1 Like a snake, I would unhinge my jaw and I would shove stuff in there.

Speaker 2 Was it portion size that got you?

Speaker 1 It was everything. Right.
Everything. And yes, I was somewhat monstrous for months, several months maybe in 2001.

Speaker 1 But then I snapped right back into this immaculate form and you're still beating me over the head because I went off the rails for a couple of months.

Speaker 2 I'm answering the question that was asked of me. You look better than you did back in the early 2000s.

Speaker 1 Okay, thanks a lot. And you say that I'll never get back what I I had in the late 2000s.

Speaker 2 By the way, I've deteriorated as well. I mean, I'm answering.

Speaker 1 And we're not talking about mentally. We're talking about physically.

Speaker 2 Yes, I've deteriorated as well.

Speaker 2 I would expect you to deteriorate.

Speaker 1 I'm not deteriorating.

Speaker 1 Every day, I get better and better, stronger and stronger.

Speaker 1 He looks good.

Speaker 1 For what? I don't even think for.

Speaker 1 I think I look fine. You look fine.

Speaker 2 Fine is a good word for it.

Speaker 1 Fortunately. That's a perfect word.
This is terrible. Eduardo, would you weigh in? Sure.
I mean, is the only thing he's saying? Do you think he's being a little hard?

Speaker 1 Harsh, or do you think he's accurate? You can be, say whatever you want, and you can work together tomorrow.

Speaker 1 No one's

Speaker 1 that's why does it always fore that?

Speaker 2 Listen, we see the world through a subjective lens. You understand? We consider a number of possibilities.
You don't exist in a vacuum. Your physical appearance doesn't exist in a vacuum.

Speaker 2 When I look at you, I think of your life circumstance. I think of your aura.
I think of so many things that are far more important than your physical shell.

Speaker 1 Physically, sure, you're deteriorating,

Speaker 2 as we all are. And it will only get worse.
And not even on a linear scale, it will be exponential.

Speaker 1 It's going to go fast. Do you think I'll go downhill?

Speaker 2 The difference between 60 and 70 will be far more dramatic than the difference between 50 and 60.

Speaker 1 I don't think so. I think 60 and 70, I'm going to do pretty well.
I think 70 to 72 is when I go right in the shitter. I think that's when I become just a total mess.

Speaker 2 What I'm saying, there will be times when you look back on this video, for example, and you say, God, I was an Adonis back then. Look at me now.

Speaker 2 I'm saying this is, from this point forward, as good as it's going to get for you. Now, sure, you can make certain improvements to your lifestyle, nutritionally speaking.

Speaker 1 But it's not going to change that much. Right, exactly.
I could go to Britain and have their fruit loops, but it's not going to get that much better.

Speaker 2 But you understand, this is the beauty of the human experience. There's a rise and a fall.

Speaker 2 This is the period where, look, I didn't make these rules of nature, but they exist. Your body is useless to human evolution at this point.

Speaker 2 We know that you have value to us, but Mother Nature doesn't know this. Your genetic programming doesn't know this.
You are, as

Speaker 2 potentially everyone in this room, a couple of very good looking men in here, you are deteriorating.

Speaker 2 You are in the decline, the decrescendo, the plummet.

Speaker 1 All right, well, this has been fun. Well, I want to ask you a question.
You were saying that you were kind of beating around the bush those two bad years, the decline years. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 3 What was wrong with him in those years?

Speaker 1 In your estimation. Okay, well.
In your estimation.

Speaker 2 And and thank you frank yeah my pleasure well you see i'm being prompted to be critical and then i will be criticized for being critical what's worth mentioning is when people do decline sometimes they decline in different ways okay we have different deficiencies for whatever reason your own particular deficiency was somewhat unique among the people that I know.

Speaker 2 Sometimes I see people get bellies. I see people, you know, have lose muscle mass.
You had a very specific deficiency.

Speaker 2 Your face and your body itself stretched horizontally. You widened.
Your face widened. I don't understand the mechanics of it.

Speaker 1 I was with child.

Speaker 2 What I'm saying is... I was carrying a baby.
Unless there was.

Speaker 1 I was carrying a baby. Okay.

Speaker 2 So now, in case there was like an injection of human growth hormone to widen the bone structure of your jaw, I don't understand the mechanics of that.

Speaker 1 Look at my face now. Does it look the same?

Speaker 2 Is it too wide? You look okay. You're not

Speaker 2 too wide.

Speaker 1 Why don't you fucking say I look good? I'm a good-looking man. Why can't you say that?

Speaker 2 You have strengths.

Speaker 1 You definitely have strengths. We're out.
You definitely have strengths. We're out.
We're out. We're out.

Speaker 1 You know, that's it. Anyway, this has been the Conan and Jordan show, soon to be just the Conan Show again.

Speaker 1 And I'm very depressed. I'm going to go have

Speaker 1 I'm going to go have

Speaker 1 wine. And it is.

Speaker 1 It's a little after two o'clock in the afternoon as we record this. I'm going to have a lot of wine, and that face is going to plump up real nice.

Speaker 1 But, Jordan, thank you for joining me.

Speaker 3 I do appreciate that. It's my pleasure.

Speaker 2 That's the mini mob. You see that growl?

Speaker 1 It's a growl. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. No one cares.

Speaker 1 This is your favorite band?

Speaker 2 Bob Moog.

Speaker 2 Dutch name, of course, Molch. Just like a strop waffle.
You're familiar with the Dutch street stropwaffel, the O-O, stroke meaning syrup. No, good nod.
Waffle meaning waffles. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Baffle is, of course, waffle.

Speaker 3 We were just, I was just informed we were just canceled. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Wait. Nope, I just heard we were back.

Speaker 2 Who was even assessing this show?

Speaker 3 The Conan and Jordan Show with Conan O'Brien and Jordan Chlansky is produced by me, Frank Smiley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Jim McClure.

Speaker 3 Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez.

Speaker 3 Our supervising producer is Andrew Groos. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn.
The theme song is Tom Sawyer by Rush.

Speaker 3 You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan and Jordan?

Speaker 3 Call the Team Cocoa Hotline, 669-587-2847, and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode.

Speaker 3 And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. And be sure to subscribe and tune into Conan O'Brien Radio, Channel 104 on SiriusXM.

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