Chris Fleming

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Hi, my name is Chris Fleming.

And I feel in the constant threat of physical danger being Colin O'Brien's friend.

And you should.

And you should, Chris Fleming.

Fall is here, hear the yell.

Back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walk and loose, climb the fence, books and pens.

I can tell that we are going to be friends.

Yes, I can tell that we are going to be friends.

Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, joined by my squad.

Sonoma Obsession, Matt Gorley.

How you guys doing hi i'm good i'm good as you know uh i am confounded by the world around me yeah so much has changed so rapidly and um i like a lot of people find myself sometimes going down an instagram hole really and um i i think a lot of people do that but i found sometimes that oh my god i just lost 20 minutes of my life and i have very specific interests i mean i'm a beatles fanatic but i also love guitar i i love these there are these different things vintage Batman clips from the 60s.

So Instagram is starting to know me and they're firing these different ads at me.

And a lot of them are for, oh, here's a cool little mini guitar neck that you can take on an airplane flight so you can practice chord shapes and it connects to your phone.

And the magic is all these ads that I get sucked into.

are very tempting because everything's about like $48 or, you know, it's, it's all an amount where you think, oh, that's harmless.

It's a water pick that can go in your back pocket that, you know, cleans your teeth and it takes an AA battery.

Everything takes like a double A battery.

So I, I, I don't know, they're starting to figure out who I am.

Instagram, I say they, but Instagram,

the algorithm is figuring out who I am.

And so this is very disturbing.

Lately, I started getting bombarded with these ads for something that converts any bottle in your car into something that you can urinate into.

And

it,

and so if you're on like a, if you're driving and you're stuck in LA traffic, as one can be, you can snap this thing onto the mouth of an empty bottle and it fits snugly over your equipment.

And

yeah, there's also a vibrate mode.

Hello.

No, no, it's just for urinating into a bottle.

And I've, I don't have that problem or anything.

But I keep getting this ad and I'm thinking, what about me screams?

I, I need to urinate into a bottle.

It would have to be what you're watching on Instagram.

I know, but I I mean you're watching piss contests.

I'm not.

I swear to God, I'm not.

I don't know why this is coming after me.

And everything else that I get, a lot of it's guitar stuff and a lot of it's they know I like kind of gadgety things.

Your phone also listens to you.

So maybe if you just said once, I really have to use the bathroom.

Or I'm really into peeing in the bottle.

Yeah, or maybe, like, who's the guy in the aviator again that Leonardo DiCaprio played?

Howard Hughes.

Howard Hughes.

Remember he saved him?

He saved his urine.

He just saved his urine.

Maybe you come off as the urine-saving guy.

Maybe you're just,

I'm not defensive on this topic at all.

I didn't know if it was an ageist thing because I'm not the youngest one in the room right now.

And I didn't know if it's that.

But I don't recall.

I'm not the kind of person, Ed Water.

That's a fair point that your phone is listening to you, but I don't think I've ever said, God, I love.

bottle urinating, you know?

And I don't, I'm not someone who perpetually complains about I've got to urinate a lot because I don't think I do.

So what is it about me?

What triggered this?

Maybe it's the music.

You always look at like.

My favorite band is Pee Pee Party.

It's true.

Maybe because you're into like guitars.

Maybe they think you're a musician who's on the road a lot.

And then a lot of people who are on the road a lot pee in bottles.

I mean, Tak used to tell me a lot of his bandmates used to pee in bottles.

Oh, God.

They're going to be so mad I said that.

The worst part is that we're all going to get this algorithm now.

We're all going to get bottle pee in.

My phone right now, I just heard my phone, my phone.

My phone is sitting on the desk, and I just heard it go, hmm.

Got it.

I was like, what was that phone?

Nothing.

Proceed.

Proceed, pee-pee man.

Hey, phone.

I don't want you listening to me.

No problem.

Better make up with your wife.

For what?

This morning you seemed kind of testy.

Hey, phone.

See it in the steel dossier.

Yeah.

Yeah, I love my phone just listening and making little kind of like Iago in Othello comments.

Like, oh, well,

oh, that's a juicy one.

What's that, phone?

Nothing.

Why don't you get back to your podcasting, Mr.

Wee Wee?

Jesus, iPhone.

Take it easy.

Maybe I'm not an iPhone.

We don't want to alienate other carriers and manufacturers.

Oh, my God.

You're right.

You're right.

Thank you,

nondescript phone.

I love that even your phone cares about our sponsor.

I know.

So stupid.

Tanisha's going to be furious.

Tanisha's working with

another phone company right now.

Okay, okay, phone.

Just take it easy.

By the way, you should get that cough looked after.

What?

Oh, my God.

It's so stupid.

All right, you screwballs.

Settle down.

It's the 1940s, see?

Hey, my guest today is a hilarious comedian who's currently on tour, and tickets are available at chrisfleming.fleming.com.

What can I say?

I love this gentleman.

Thrilled he's here today.

Chris Fleming, welcome.

I have some things to say about this man.

And

first First of all, hey, this is my podcast, which means I speak and you say nothing.

Now let's start the interview.

Every time I've been a fan of this guy a long time, and there's something about you, you are catnip to me.

Whenever I see this guy,

I immediately walk up, grab you by the arm.

Walk up.

What do I do?

Well, his prey drive kicks in.

Yeah.

Yeah.

If I don't see him first, I get warned that Flanny from Largo at a party, he said,

Chris, I think Colin spotted you.

You better get out of here.

You better get out of here and make it quick.

And he may look like my paternal grandma, but he's strong.

Especially when he's got a little white wine in him.

It fortifies him.

And outside of, when he's got no stage makeup on, he's featureless.

So you can't even see him.

You can't see him coming.

It's like a land formation that looks like a human being.

And then all of a sudden, he's coming at me.

Now, people are going to think this is a bit.

It true that anytime it started, I believe, I invited you to my Christmas party.

And as a bit, because everyone is way more famous than me there.

It's like Tom Hanks, you have like Halliburton executives there.

Yeah.

I'm big with Halliburton people.

And to make me feel comfortable

from the defense,

the landmine people are there, the people that manufacture them, not the people that are trying to stop them.

One of the Castro's there, I think.

Well, we used to have both Castro's until Fidel died.

But, you know.

To make me feel comfortable, because I was, and like, and it's also like a bunch of realtors, I think, there.

To make me feel comfortable, Conan will be like, I just invited you to be kind.

I don't actually want you here.

And then he'll grab me by the waist and drag me down his long hallway and throw me out the door.

I always physically, because I have a thing with you where I think you're one of my brothers, the brother I should have had.

Yeah.

That's you're right, Neil, instead of Neil.

I should have,

I should have, I feel like I have that relationship with you, and I have no right to think that, but I have no problem laying hands on you, dragging you out of my house and throwing you out of the house.

And then you, of course, scuttle back in.

Yeah.

And you do it also, not just, so in the house, everyone's like, ha ha, Conan's doing this bit.

Right.

But he does it in public.

So he did it in Texas.

Yes.

We were at

Austin.

Yeah.

We were in Austin and there was a four seasons hotel and I'm standing up in front and all of a sudden this big, it was, what's the big festival they have there?

i was doing something there and then i get back to the hotel and i'm waiting to go to the airport or something and this this car pulls up and um you uh you're the chauffeur in this story no i was under it like cape fear

in a tankini and he's and he sees me and he just starts

the door opens and chris fleming steps out and i'm there at a hotel and there's tons of people around the minute he, I don't even know he's going to be there, he steps out, and I instantly grabbed you.

I'm going to say, oh, no.

And I don't even say hi.

I grabbed him and started to drag him down the long

driveway of the Forest Suses Hotel.

While yelling, security, get him out of here.

And security in Austin, they're not improv trained.

They didn't go through the ground range.

So they're kind of coming up.

Because I look like someone who might be a new suit of you.

Of course.

I look like a super fan in alma ha or something.

Yeah.

The ones who really thinks we're connected.

Hey, take it easy.

I'm sensing more anger than excitement there.

And then, yeah, and then that happens at parties.

And then the thing is, at parties, I'm genuinely running from you and you're coming at me.

You really, well, at Sarah Silverman's, you saw me and you took off and I took off after you.

I had to put my drinks down.

Yes, he had two drinks.

He had to put them down.

And today, you walked into the podcast with a tea and whatever that is.

Again, I'm almost double-guava berry extract.

And you put them both.

I said, put him down, put him down, because I'm a kind attacker.

I let him put his drinks on the chair.

And then he started crawling.

You started crawling?

Yeah.

Because you're so high up.

It's like

it's what you're supposed to do when the birds come for you.

Right.

Or a nuclear bomb.

When they come from the sky, yeah.

Duck and cover.

Duck and cover.

And what did you tell me at that party?

As I'm running by, like Olivia Wilde, being like, Excuse me.

I don't remember.

What did I?

You said, I want to make a like a pillow, a life-size pillow out of you so I can thrash it around in the yard.

What is it wrong wrong with you?

I want a full life-size Chris Fleming pillow and I would just attack it like a like a Rottweiler and be like,

stuffing would be flying out of it because stuffing flies out of him when you shake him.

Yeah, out of my nostrils.

I'm going to say some nice things really quickly.

You'll be uncomfortable, but let's do this.

Let's mute my mic.

Okay.

Chris Fleming, a number of years ago, my young children who are very good

finders of great comedy, they come to me and they say, Dad, you have to watch this guy.

And I'm like, leave me alone.

I'm signing 8x10s to myself.

You're doing a lot of online gambling, too, at this point.

I was online gambling.

And that's why I had to sell more 8x10s.

Not even xxs.

There's this character named Gail Waters Waters.

You have to see it.

And my wife and I start watching them.

We become addicted.

One of the greatest, most fully realized characters I've seen, just looking at these YouTube clips, I'm, I'm blown away.

Then I find out that you're doing a show at Largo.

And so I go and I see your show and I'm, I can't get enough.

I'm addicted to this Chris Fleming fool.

And when you come to my shows, you always, he always texts me asking if there's a helipad that he can land on.

I'm always saying that.

And he says, I don't want to be conspicuous.

And then he's in the audience, rotisserie style.

Yeah.

Are you ever worried he's going to rush the stage and try to tackle you?

He puts up

that you are kind of

like a bull wanting to get out of here.

I want to charge the stage.

The fact that you're a ham, it does surprise me.

I don't think I have that as much as you do.

When you see a stage, you want to be on it.

I'm enraged.

I can see a fantastic production of, you know, like with the biggest, greatest Broadway stars of, you know, Hamlet.

And I'll be in the audience.

Why aren't I up there?

Do you know any of Hamlet?

No.

But you want to do Hamlet on Broadway.

Yes.

You could be Ophelia wandering around.

I could.

Tackling people.

Did Ophelia do that?

Yeah, yeah.

So anyway, I see your show, love that.

And then I start watching all of your, I know you retired Gail Waters Waters, but you made this ad that had me crying for a car.

Remember that?

Oh, the Crandolier.

The Crandolier.

The 2022 Crandolier.

The 2022 Crandolier, which is a car, and you had terrible animation for it.

Yeah.

And it was a car that wouldn't exist, shouldn't exist.

I made it out of like PVC piping from Home Depot.

I spent like a day in Home Depot building the Crandolier.

And the Crandolier is just this terrible car that no, it's way too big, right?

It's shaped, it's badly shaped.

It's, I think, two and a half lanes, and

you have to lie face down in it like a seal.

And

I don't,

I forget.

And then I find out that you made this pilot that was looking for a home.

And I, yeah, you did.

You sent me the pilot and I sent it to you.

I said, help me.

Help me.

So I watched the pilot and that in so many places had me crying.

Specifically for no reason, your character, when he decides to run, runs backwards for no reason.

And there's a callback to it later on where you see a giant moon and you see a silhouette of you running backwards.

When he's traumatized.

When he's traumatized, he runs backwards.

And he runs

across the moonscape.

And I just thought, why?

How is it that he and I don't live on an island together?

Yeah.

Just do this foolishness.

Yeah.

Because I'm doing it.

Off the coast of Oregon.

I'm doing it for my staff.

I'm doing it.

I'm doing it to my staff, to my family.

And everyone's rolling their eyes and saying, please go away.

And there's this other person out there who's doing this absolute foolishness.

You're Twin Flame.

And you also tried to save that show and sent it to Netflix.

And that guy who then tried to get it sent up got fired immediately.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Okay.

I like getting people fired.

And so I've a massive fan.

And what I will say, and then I go on to see your, you did a stand-up tour, and I went and saw your stand-up.

And I'm just following this guy around.

I can't say enough good about your work.

And one of the things I want to say before we get really stupid again is I cannot think of another comedian that I've seen who comes up, who's so prolific at instantly coming up with amazing references and images.

It's you're like a savant.

What about Ornie Adams?

Better.

Better.

Thank you, Conan.

Thank you very much.

You're very sweet.

I can't even say his name now.

I'd vomit.

You're very sweet to me.

No, you're just

the things that you say are little crystalline gems that come shooting out of your mouth.

I'm like,

how are you able to do that?

I've always sort of prided myself on being able to come up with things quickly.

You hear way faster.

Oh, my God.

The things you must say in your car when you're driving.

Oh, my God.

Cruising on the 134, Blaston Larry Manto and Buena Vista Social Club.

There he goes.

There he goes.

I can't only imagine the things your dashboard has hurt.

But thank you, Connie.

My dashboard is in therapy.

Anyway.

You know what you're like?

You're like the mob.

You're like the Boston mafia when they break your your arm and then they give you the cash to pay for it.

Yeah, that's what I always do.

Once you thrash me around, then I say.

And then you say incredibly sweet things.

But now we're back to the thrashing.

You monster.

First of all, I think we have some bond that comes from, you're from Stowe, Massachusetts.

Correct.

And I'm from Brookline.

And there's a Massachusetts thing.

I don't know what it is.

Do you have any insight into that?

Yeah,

our bond is that we're too wiggly for Massachusetts.

And the fact that we

acknowledge our hips, it's all about planting your feet and letting all that chowder settle and

you know what I mean.

And then

socks, all that.

And then you and I are these wiggle worms.

People are always comparing me to those socks that

at a car sale thing, you know, car lot that are going,

and you are too.

You are a wiggling worm.

Yeah, that's why, you know, I think Massachusetts, if they could have a time machine, the one thing they would change, they would stop Elvis from shaking his hips.

And wear our Boston Red Sox cap.

That's right.

And don't sing so much.

That's right.

Just talk about the Red Sox.

You probably at least know a little bit about the Boston Red Sox, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, no, I see.

And you know absolutely nothing.

No, no, no, no.

Like, even growing up, like, the jocks were like this, like, he needs a conservatorship for me.

Those are good jocks that know conservatorship yeah hey that guy needs a conservatorship

it should be legally placed in the podic in his parents will who is this guy he's an idiot about everything but conservatorships

the uh

duh duh wow he's really stupid conservatorships

as set down in massachusetts state law section uh

do you.

There's that Harvard education coming out.

It wasn't that.

I had this before Harvard.

They made me stupid.

Tell me a little bit about young Chris Fleming.

What is it about your origin story that creates this fellow that's sitting across from me drinking way too many liquids self-consciously?

Well,

I mean, I don't like the praise is freaking me out.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, we'll get past that.

Okay.

What, I mean, okay, first, growing up with women.

That was the big one.

That's how this happens.

You had a lot of women in your life.

I think I was raised, you know, almost

within Massachusetts to have that kind of, I was raised to be more feminine or whatever.

Yeah.

And the masculine was kind of, it was, it was, do not, right.

Do not go there.

Right.

And so I think that's how we start.

Okay, you start with surrounded by women.

And then I get into Michael Flatley.

Okay.

Is everyone out there listening?

This is these are rules to be a comedy genius.

A lot of women around you, and then lots of Michael Flatley.

So much so that I, okay, I had a poster of Michael Flatley up in my life.

Did you really?

Is this real?

Totally real.

Less a poster, more something I printed out from my computer and then put it up.

More of a mosaic you made for a six-year period.

Do we know Michael Flatley?

Oh, yeah.

He was the Lord of the Dead.

Lord of the Dead.

Do we love Michael Flatley?

You know he's from Chicago?

I didn't know him.

Oh, no.

Yeah, it's like finding out guys.

He's Italian.

He's Italian.

Stop.

Yeah, he's Italian.

It's so funny.

And he's also...

He's not.

He's also Native American.

I thought he was from Ireland.

You would think I did some.

Anyway, so he comes out on stage.

I see River Dance Live.

He comes out, within seconds, exhibits every cluster B personality disorder that there is.

I mean, the way that he's peacocking around.

I've never seen anything like it.

And I said, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So you want to be a dancer?

Oh, yeah.

Big time.

So surrounded by women

flatly and you light up.

Light up.

I try to do Irish step dance in my bedroom.

Tear my meniscus.

I have to go under six months of physical therapy.

For real?

For real.

Did you tell people it was from trying to do an Irish step dance in your bedroom or did you tell them football injury?

No, it was incredibly.

No,

everyone knew I wasn't going near the football field.

Is this a lingering injury or can you dance now?

My right is a little.

I can still dance.

The doctor told me I would never dance again.

Which he proved.

In Massachusetts, they love to give you a grim prognosis.

I got diagnosed as red, green, colorblind also.

I am in kindergarten.

Really?

Yeah.

You know it's only men that get it?

Yes, I do know that.

He told me that I would never go into space.

I'm in kindergarten.

Yeah.

He's like, you're never going to go.

You'll never go into the plane.

I can never go into space.

I told you you'll never go into space.

You can't fly planes.

You can't go into the Air Force.

Same thing happened to my airplanes.

You got to stay terrestrial.

I'm on land.

And space.

So it's like, okay, one of three jobs I'm aware of is no longer an option.

I'll go be a cowgirl there.

You should have told him my dream is to be a flying dancer.

A pilot who dances while he flies the plane.

I'm telling you, that's not going to happen.

Flying dancer is a really sexy name for something.

Like a soft rock album?

Yeah, flying dancing.

But

Toto.

So that.

I went to what you're describing, actually,

about

him.

Sometimes I just like the little noises.

I did this on my wife's, my first date with my wife.

We get in the car together, and we're in like a cab or something.

And I, and I just said, yeah, we're going to go to 30, you know, whatever, 35th and Broadway.

And I went, ooh.

And Liza didn't know me that well.

And she was like, huh.

And I went, oh, yeah, you can, this is a good way to go.

And then I was.

She was laughing?

No, she just said

looking for the door.

Oh, my God.

And I thought I should present who I am.

I should present who I really am up front.

Oh, yeah.

And I was doing all these muttering

bits in the car, which you know, all too well, Sona.

Yeah.

And she just did the eeriest thing.

She just pretended it wasn't happening.

And anyway, so I don't know why I threw one of those in there.

I don't think I've done that much on the podcast, but you were talking.

And I'm like, ooh.

Yeah.

I'm too comfortable.

Go ahead.

Keep chomping.

No, keep making sounds.

Oh, they hate.

What you eating there, buddy?

What are you eating there, buddy?

Boba, you want some of this?

I got Nicki Glazer into this.

It's like whoever got Miles Davis in a heroin.

Who was it?

I think it was Bublay.

Michael Bublay.

Bublay on Boba.

People are going to be really, people get really sensitive about chewing.

Yep.

That sounds like.

Michael Boba Boobla is on Boba.

Michael Buba is Boba.

Bob's also on a boba fat.

Now we're talking about it.

I saw Nikki Glazer recently do a show, and I was like, she's way off.

And then I said to someone, is she on boba now?

You want to hit this clean?

You're going to look?

Okay, another thing.

In three days, I'm one year off boba.

Another thing about this?

Get it away from me.

My friend, who's a comic, Jake.

Oh, I know comics too.

He said.

My friend, he's a comic.

Oh, I feel threatened.

He did a story.

I'm not just giving the professions of friends for no reason.

My friend, who's a dancing pilot, he'll never be one.

He told me, he was like, I used to be impressed by what you do.

And then I had what you have for Boba.

And I go, I could do that too.

If you had this every day.

So are you chewing on one of the little boba bubbles?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm chewing on the boba bubbles.

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One of my favorite things is a burger that's fresh off the grill.

Steam rising up off of it.

Yeah.

All those good burger vapors.

No one ever says that.

Hey, the perfect burger is the Sonic Smasher.

All right.

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This is fascinating to me.

You grow up, surrounded by women,

Michael Flatley,

Torn, A-C-L-U.

And I would go to plays like what you would, what you're saying is exactly what I felt like as a child going to musicals and seeing the comic relief.

And I go, oh,

that leg work, I could do, I could get 80% more laughs by moving my legs a certain way.

And my legs have, I don't know if your body has this, my legs have a different brain on stage.

When I'm like, oh, yeah.

They kick in.

It's like not think, I'm not thinking.

And my leg, my leg body, my leg mind.

It's all over the map.

Yeah.

So you,

when do you get it?

What's your first experience with comedy?

Are you doing improv?

You're doing sketches.

You're doing stand-up.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Musicals.

And then, well, pre, okay.

Preschool, it was a silent play.

Peter Rabbit.

I played Farmer McGregor, and I was super shy, but I wouldn't stop talking.

That pesky rabbit, we got to get counting tomatoes.

Okay, Farmer McGregor.

Do they tell you you don't really need to?

Let's keep it down.

Yeah.

So that was the first, that was the first sign of that impulse.

You got the bug.

Yeah.

You got the bug.

And then, and then I started making videos with my friends in high school.

See, this is the thing that I think is miraculous about this new era.

People like to bitch and moan about this new world we're in, social media and all the ills.

I think it's been a godsend in a lot of ways for people like you because you didn't have to compromise at all.

No.

When you started making your videos, you were,

you were going for 120%

Chris Fleming.

Like it or don't, none of my business.

Not, I'm going to cajole you into liking me.

There was no sense of neediness coming off of it.

It was, this is

me being funny in the way I like to be funny.

Yeah.

And if you're out there and you like this,

cool.

And I think you've just been, like I said, you're a really hard worker.

You're very prolific.

You're wildly creative.

And you could just

put this out in the purest form yourself.

That was not possible.

No.

Can you imagine the world if, you know, you came along in the 1960s or 70s?

I'd be the Unabomber.

Yeah.

You'd be the Unabomber.

And you know what?

That would have been pretty good, too.

Oh, yeah.

I would have done it cute.

No, you'd have been.

I mean,

the letters you wrote wouldn't have been all about our sick society.

It would have been more like funny bits.

I'd be one of those guys that steals tropical fish from a store or something, you know, and then does something.

Remember in Maine when that guy, there was like a hermit who would go in and break into.

Remember that?

Yeah.

Yeah.

There was a guy who lived in Maine as a hermit.

He just decided to try it.

He just parked his car and walked into the woods and then basically walked around and and broke into vacation homes in the winter and lived in the woods.

I read a book about him recently.

Really?

Fascinating.

Yeah, there's a book on him.

It was great.

It was a short read, really good.

And he was in the, and then they finally caught him breaking into a house after 15, 20 years of living.

He was taking people's fish.

He was taking people's fish.

No, he was

fish.

Is he just living there?

He was just squatting?

No, no.

He would stay there.

He'd get their food.

And then he'd live in the woods.

And

he'd live off like Panko and stuff.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, okay.

I don't see a problem.

I didn't see this.

I didn't see.

I'm going to say, I didn't see this detour coming.

Oh, sorry.

And I didn't prepare.

I was just trying to imagine what would happen if I didn't have access to Wi-Fi

to upload my stuff.

I'm just trying to envision that.

What do you think would have happened to me?

I would have been boned.

Maybe if they rebooted Mad TV for like daily motion or something.

I don't think.

I don't know.

I don't know what would have happened.

I think about this for myself.

He knows who.

I think about this all the time, which is put me in a world where there is no place to be a total maniac.

And I'm a

babbling idiot in a field.

And my job is in Ireland is to place the stones and build a stone wall.

And I'm saying, yeah, I'll put up the stone and the stone wall.

But first, I'm Stonewalley McStonerton.

Look at me now.

Oh, McWally McSonerton.

Now I'm his evil boss.

Oh, yes, his evil boss.

And people just be.

I'm his dead wife.

Yeah, I'm his dead dead wife.

She died a year ago with a milk sickness.

Oh,

pay me respects.

You would act out in a very public way.

I would act out, which is always.

Which I used to do.

You still do.

I know.

It's a problem.

It's an unscratchable itch that you have.

Right.

Which is good.

Why?

Because it makes you continue to be fun.

I hope so.

Even though you would think, see, if I were you, I would imagine

I'd be tired.

No.

No.

No, it's not.

You are so energized.

I'm energized.

energized.

You have so much physical, yeah, kinetic energy.

But I'm curious.

There are two kinds of comedians: the ones that are themselves always.

I have that disease.

And then there are the ones that are brilliantly funny.

But if you talk to them when they're not, they're really sullen.

They're like, um, yeah.

Okay, well, I better get up.

And then they get up there and boom.

And it's really great.

No.

You strike me as more my type.

Yeah.

But

I'm not as wild as you, I don't think, in my daily life.

But I don't see

that much of a distinction.

I definitely, part of my onstage stuff is me responding to the stress of being on stage and then using that emotion to then kind of act a certain way and using that energy.

So it is heightened, absolutely.

But I don't see a line between that.

You know, come nightfall, I'm not.

different than I than I was right during the day.

Are you medicated?

No.

You would think I probably should be.

This is me medicated.

Oh, wow.

And it's like, I don't know.

I do feel like if they shot me with horse tranquilizers, they'd be like, ah, horse tranquilizer, right?

Kick me again, dog.

And you also with fans are doing full heralds out in the streets.

Full bits.

You're doing bits everywhere.

Yeah, yeah.

I had to be stopped because I went with Liza and the kids up to see Liza's in-laws.

And we went to this place that's called like Snoquami.

And there's a place like Squamish Lake.

And I'm like, Squamish, I'm on Squamish.

And I'm talking to people, and I'm doing bits for people.

And my son just went, please stop.

He said it like lurch on the Adams family.

Your son, who is so composed.

He's so composed.

He's so composed.

And who adores you, by the way, thinks you're really funny, thinks you're funny.

Yeah.

Which also makes you mad.

Also, I saw it.

It enrages me.

I think also sometimes,

are you ever doing bits in public where people don't quite recognize?

I mean, you're obviously so recognizable, but I saw a video.

It doesn't matter if someone doesn't recognize.

I don't care.

I don't matter.

No,

they're going to get whatever sick thing is in there.

I saw a video of you at a music festival.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You look like Reese Witherspoon and Wild.

Yeah, that was what I was going for.

It was incredible.

I took my daughter to a music festival.

I think you went trench foot in there.

Yeah, I did.

It was a big field, and I'm.

You look good.

Oh, thank you.

What is that like when you're there, when you're at the music festival?

I mostly am stunned by how much older I am than everybody.

It's stunning.

It is absolutely stunning because everyone there is 20, 21, 22.

And then there is me

who voted for Eisenhower in an election.

And

I'm just, nothing will make you feel older as a dad than going to a music festival.

And I'm also thinking like, how come no one these ladies are wearing pants?

Yes.

Don't they get cold at night?

I've started feeling like pants.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know.

so i never see you being that way i think you're always going to be when a young person doesn't have their midriff out they're republican

right that's what it's

so here's my question so are you more a wood sprite are you elf uh are you a phantasm uh what are you are you are you a creature made of leaves i mean what are you in this bou clay i'm all i'm all of the above in the bou clay i have a question for the room has any guest moved the chair around more than Chris Fleming?

You have

you.

I move it a lot.

Yeah, I think you do.

You know, in heat, you know, it didn't move at all?

Pacino.

Okay, you know, when Pacino and De Niro are talking in heat in the diner?

Yeah.

And

De Niro's moving a little bit in case Pacino takes out the cuffs?

Yep.

That's what I'm doing because I know you're coming for me.

Here's my situation: I'm on the downside of a marriage.

Yeah.

That's the list of normal life to you.

Barbecues and ball games.

Yeah.

I watch that on loop.

That works uh both ways.

If I see you coming, uh, maybe I gotta put you down.

And there's another flip side to that coin.

Yeah.

If you see me see you coming, I'm gonna put me down.

But if I see you coming towards me, if I see you and you're headed towards me about to put yourself down, I may have to come over to where you are and put myself down before I'm down before you.

And there's another side of that lake.

Wait, what?

You're on a lake now?

Okay.

If I see you seeing me thinking about putting yourself down, I'm gonna draft up my own suicide pact that I'm gonna have you sign so that I can

put you down.

Why are you breaking?

Why are you laughing?

This is a serious matter, yo.

Let me tell you, there's a flip-flop side to this flip-flop.

Okay, we're gonna look at the other side of the onion now.

We're inside the volcano looking out.

Okay,

if I see you headed my way, you're gonna put yourself down on the other side of the lake.

Okay.

I'm going to take what you've done.

I'm going to take that note.

I'm going to copy it.

I'm going to put it through ChatGPT and submit it to Columbia Universal.

I'm not sure what ChatGPT is, but if I tunnel to China

is a flip-flop side.

I have the same thing.

I think we're probably obsessed with the same moments in movies.

Where Pacino needs notes, but isn't getting them.

Yeah, exactly.

Come on.

It's like, well, if he weren't Pacino, they would say, hey, let's dial that back a little bit.

He has a crazy shout in heat.

Oh, I mean, the ass.

The ass.

His eyes bug.

I guess it was a force.

Did you do it for me?

Because I can't remember the exact.

I don't even want to try it, but it's Hanka's area.

Yes.

Cowering in fear.

Yep.

And he's like, I don't know why I got caught up with that bitch.

And then Pacino whips around and goes, because she's got him.

And he forgets his line for a second.

His eyelids vanish and he goes,

Great ass.

Yes.

You got your head all the way up it.

And Hank is just like, Hank ya.

Hank is Aria's head goes back through the chair.

And that's how Pacino delivered every line in every movie after that.

Just yeah.

Just I don't, I will, I'm a, I,

I am anything that Pacino does, anything,

I'm with it all the way.

Me too.

He is my favorite actor.

Me too.

I can't take my eyes off of him.

I forgive every I don't even forgive it.

I think whatever he does is by definition fantastic.

Oh my God.

When he's snapping his fingers, telling his wife why he's got to stay on the edge.

Well, I got to be.

Yeah.

Kicking the TV out of his car.

Remember the guy who's hooking up with his wife?

And by the way, screen heat.

And then listening to this podcast.

I know.

I've never seen it.

So I'm not spoiler.

I'll alert you.

It's so good.

Yeah.

It's like the climax of heat is him kicking a TV.

out of his car in downtown L.A.

and then blasting the song Ultramarine.

Yeah.

Anyway, yeah, we should watch it together.

Listen, you took us down another road.

Sorry.

There's been a few little

cul-de-sacs you've taken us down.

And I won't stand for it.

I want to get us back on track here for a little bit.

Pacino made another movie any given Sunday.

See, that's sports related.

You have said that your concern sometimes is that you're not weird enough.

That's a quote of yours.

And I'm here to tell you, sir, fear not.

Fear not.

I'm here.

I want you to have me on speed dial.

And whenever you you have that fear, call me.

You'll call me.

And I will talk to you.

Are you a little freak?

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean by that?

When I say like, it's not.

Yeah.

Well,

your fear is you might catch your reflection when you're doing something slightly that's hacky or you feel like

this was my first thought.

It wasn't my third thought.

No, you know I do first thought.

I do.

I'm fully impulsive.

I don't, I don't go, I don't, I don't have more than one.

Right.

I just kind of boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

But it's like, I think it was starting out in stand-up in such an esoteric little club in Cambridge.

Everyone was so freaky that I, as a child, felt, I started in high school doing stand-up.

And so I felt kind of inadequate around the weirdos, the true weirdo.

You felt that you were not freaky enough

when you were starting out.

That blows my mind.

I want to meet these other people.

I want to meet these other

tribbles.

Just imagine little fuzzy people with one eyeball, single leg that comes out, and boing, boing, oing, boil, boil, boing,

you're not weird enough, Chris Limming.

They're building crafts.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We must go back to our planet now.

Seaworthy.

No, no, they want to go.

They're building a ship.

They're building a ship.

Yeah.

Very nice.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's.

And so you start to do.

Here's the.

I had this experience when I went to see your show,

your stand-up show here in LA.

At the Wilshire Ebel.

At the Wilshire Ebel, Abel, yeah.

And I went to see it.

And I'm walking in.

We park.

My wife and my kids are walking towards the theater and we see all these people who you could just tell are here to see Chris Fleming.

And I mean that in the nicest way.

They're really creative.

Everybody's

was everyone was on the exact same frequency and we all packed this theater.

I'm assuming that you start out in Massachusetts and you have your years in the wilderness, but when you do these shows now and the place is packed with people that are hanging on every word

and you can't do anything that's going to be off-putting to them, that's got to be an incredible.

Oh, oh, yeah.

No,

it's sensational.

It's like yet to be held like that.

And

almost everywhere, not Philadelphia is pretty rough on me, but everywhere else is.

They're rough on everyone.

They will throw a battery at you if they don't like what you're doing.

It is crazy.

Philadelphia.

But I was just there.

But no, it's unbelievable.

And there's a part of me that's like, it's almost like it's enough where we're at right now.

Like, I kind of just want to retain this.

I'm not really too keen necessarily even on expansion because I feel to be seen like that by people and encouraged, it really makes you feel like it's so effortless.

It's so beautiful.

But there's also, there's no, there's this flawed concept that you have to keep.

Yeah.

Oh, this is a really good restaurant we have to get to the point where there's fifth there's 18 in every state uh across the country and they have to be everywhere it has to be a franchise and you need to keep leveling up and i think there's nothing better than paying your rent doing the thing that's exactly what you want to do yeah and because of the world we live in now like i say it's not big tent anymore so it's not network 1967 where you need, you'll get canceled if you're

only 30 million people are watching your show.

Yeah.

Oh my God, what an embarrassment.

You got beaten by Mr.

Ed last night.

You're out.

No one in Rapid City tuned in.

Yeah, exactly.

You're done.

Yeah.

You're done, kid.

And then you're parking cars the next day across the street from Chasin's.

That's not the world we're in now.

You, what you need to do is just keep doing what you've been doing.

Exactly.

That's it.

Exactly.

I mean, and it's like, there is that, there is that like American thing in me of like um expansion or whatever that i that i that i don't really feel so much anymore because i have done big rooms that for that are not my crowds and to not be seen and not be understood and to not have a curious audience even though it is massive or whatever it's it's a horrifying experience and so it's really it i'm really really grateful at just kind of keeping my head down and just keep doing what I'm doing.

What is it like for you if you are in front of a crowd, let's say Philly or some town where Philly wasn't that bad.

I know you're exaggerating.

Yeah, yeah.

They attacked you three times.

That's...

They did piss me off a bit.

Okay, what do you like when, yes, I've seen you when the crowd is right there and everyone's with you.

Yeah.

When you're taking your flights of comedic fancy and for some reason they're not going with you,

do you try and get them back or do you have a fuck it gene?

Yeah, at this point, I'm like, I don't need to I'm not gonna try to win anybody over I would have as a younger person yeah but I don't feel that anymore and it gets really fuck it and I can get a little bitchy

and that can allow you to write jokes that you would not when you're heightened in an angry way, you can also, your brain can function in a different way.

And I have found that to be productive in some ways, but it's pretty gruesome.

And especially if you're doing physical stuff, if they're not laughing, I can get locked somewhere.

Like I need the laughs to push.

Like I've got stuck in like a half somersault because they weren't laughing.

Defying gravity is what you're saying.

You're just frozen in the air.

No, no, on the ground.

Oh, on the ground, yeah, on the ground, like in one of these.

And I needed the laughs to push me, but I could, but they never came.

That's the worst.

I always think that's up there with if you do a bit that involves you running out of the room and no one laughs, the walk back

is the saddest thing in comedy.

You do a bit where you're like, oh no, yeah,

I'm out of here.

And you run out of the room, it's silence.

And then you can hear your shoes squeaking as you walk back in the room.

And it's the,

oh, oh, yeah.

Well, anyway, that was good.

You were saying.

It's been doing this socially or on tape.

It's all the same.

It's all man.

Why draw distinctions?

Yeah.

You got a laugh quota every day.

And you got to fill it.

If you commit to something physical and people aren't there with you,

it's rigor mortic.

It's a true horror show.

Completely.

Completely.

Yeah.

That's why then the only thing to do is go twice as hard.

No, but see, I can't.

I just freeze.

But see, that tells you

you're in fight or flight.

You fight.

I freeze.

So if you are, if you're mad, you'll go even, you'll go more physical.

Because you've done so many tapings for so many audiences.

You must have

a thing in you that you can tap into to go,

I need to work not in collaboration with this audience.

I get, maybe.

I don't know.

Yes, I think it's just called, yeah, hours in the cockpit, but you too.

I mean, we just, we both have, we're both in the same situation.

The thing I love about your work is that it's, you've never done one thing that I would have thought of, not one.

I look at you and I think, I very much feel a kindred spirit with

this fellow.

And all the stuff you're coming from and your point of view and your physicality is very different from me.

And so I can just enjoy it as a fan.

And I'm just waiting to hear what you come up with next.

It's just that is

for me.

That's darling.

That's really darling.

It's true.

I know, I believe you.

No, thank you.

It's not that true.

I just said it to fill time.

We were so close.

Can I say one thing?

Nothing I've said so far in praise has been true.

Yeah.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, I know.

It's all been kind of a bit within a bit.

Yeah.

Did you notice I was doing this every time I said I really liked your work?

I felt something under the word.

Little little air quotes.

No, I meant everything I just said 100%.

That's what's endlessly fun about watching you do your thing is, and

you don't make any concessions

in the best way.

This is the idea you had.

Do you think you make concessions?

I don't think you make concessions.

I think I did.

I think I.

There were times in,

yeah, I think there were times in interviews for all those years when I was doing late night where I would, you had a choice sometimes, what's the funniest thing I could do versus what would a good host do?

And I would let good host win because I because you're not a psychopath.

Yeah, well,

let's be careful there.

I was definitely a

psychopath.

I'm a psychopath who, or sociopath, choose, or both, psychosociopath.

You know how to pose as someone.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, that's it.

That's it.

Yeah.

No, but I do have, if I'm out with somebody in front of a crowd,

I do, I don't want them to get hurt.

Does that make sense?

That's beautiful.

Like, I don't want them to get hurt.

So there were plenty of times where you could tell, like, it's your job as a host, which I took really seriously, to take care of this person, even if you're deep down a sociopath.

I felt the need to do that.

And that would make me, it sounds like a selfless thing.

It wasn't.

It's selfish.

I'm not happy if I'm out there with someone who's really unhappy unless they really deserve it.

But if they're unhappy, I can't do my thing.

It doesn't work.

Yeah, I don't see that as selfish.

I mean, no, I'm being really

strict.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Strictest terms.

I get very squeamish when people

try and pretend that they're being selfless when I think

I know I've really when people

present themselves as selfless and when you look at it, they're doing it in their own self-interest.

And so it's not really selfless.

I get to know that.

To preserve your curb.

Oh, I like it.

Yeah.

Of course.

So I just try to be stringent about that.

I feel the same way.

Which means strict.

But the fact that you can do Man on the Street stuff, I couldn't do that because I don't even like the idea of, like, I like being on stage in just a black space, a void.

The idea of like potentially.

I don't know how you do that, working with other people, like Rando's on the street.

Yeah.

And then they must get uncomfortable occasionally.

You know, you probably are really good at.

They mostly, it's funny.

When we do all those years of doing the remotes, I always,

I think

if the other person was really uncomfortable, I don't think we'd end up using it.

Yeah, right.

Because it, and now again, not to be nice, but it probably wouldn't be that good.

Now, every now and then there's someone who deserves

every now and then I get,

yeah.

The clause, the talent?

Yeah.

What guests do you think have deserved the Conan talent?

Well, that's for a second podcast we do where there's no microphone.

We only had the Pope on once.

Boy, was he a prick.

And when he texted me after you did your hot ones, the day your hot ones came out.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it was trending everywhere.

And then Conan texts me.

He goes, Watch my hot ones.

I fucking killed that shit.

I did.

And you know what?

Because I wanted.

And he did.

And he did.

But you know what?

I did it for.

Well, not to brag.

No, of course.

But my thing is, I feel that I'm your tutor.

I'm your mentor.

And I was trying to show you what a real man does.

You know,

stop blowing.

And you.

Were you doing your conservatorship on it?

But you know,

you would have had a little bite of a wing and then scuttled away and done become a bunch of different characters.

Oh, I wouldn't have been able to take what you did.

Okay, that's what I wanted you to adjust.

Truly.

This whole thing was a sting operation, and I just got it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

My hot ones beat the hot ones you're going to do in the future.

In 30 years?

In 30 years when you do hot ones.

In hospice care.

When I'm sundowning.

Sean is like a very old man.

And he has no lips because he's been eating hot sauce for 40 years.

No chin.

He just has a chance.

That's where bone is coming through.

He looks like the red skull that battled Captain America.

He's got pieces of bone coming through.

Don't lump me in with every nerve thing.

Yeah, you know.

You know, you're not really a Marvel.

You know, like when a bedwetter, you know.

Okay.

Now that I do know.

You know, like when someone's like, oh, there's a girl.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, when people's afraid of Cootie, Cootie's great, of Cootie's Cootie.

What are you doing?

I like Cootie singular.

Why are you doing that?

I don't know.

I just felt like we were piling on a body.

I was like,

you know when people like, of course, like, you know, when people pretend to like America, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Anyway, people were describing.

When you did that move, I thought of the

trailer that you're in with Roseburn, where you got the glasses on.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

You look like every woman that taught me in elementary school.

That's what I'm going for.

I went.

That's what I'm going for.

All right.

Chris Fleming, Chris Fleming, he's the funniest guy in town.

Chris Fleming, he's always around.

And we're in Cleveland, by the way.

Yeah, there's no influence.

What town is Cleveland?

I'm just looking through your papers.

It says here, you owe me

$8,000.

That's interesting.

Look, this is the first guest we've had who paid to be on the podcast.

This is a paper play.

I'm really going to try and get some money out of you for this.

I do believe, I'm going to wrap this up.

I do believe this.

I believe that the almighty, the almighty God, put this man on the earth just to amuse me.

I agree.

And I'm eternally grateful to that God because, look at him.

His fingers are vibrating.

I so want to reach across the table and throw him over the room.

But I won't because I'm a kind man or good at posing as a kind man.

But I'm so overjoyed to see what you do next.

And all I ask is that I get to come watch watch it.

That's all I want to see.

You're truly the best.

Thanks, man.

That's all I want.

I look up to you so much, so thank you.

Oh, gosh.

See, he was nice at the end.

No, it's like there's people.

There's certain people that give you praise that keeps, you know, that's what keeps you, that buys you years of doing the things that you feel strong about doing.

So he's one of them?

Oh, big time.

Oh, my God.

Of course.

Yeah.

I did some work in the early 90s that was memorable.

Okay.

That's all I'm going to say.

All right.

I want you out of here.

I know, I get that.

How did you get here?

Did you get here in a car?

Some kind of thing.

I'm picturing like a VW bug.

It's pumpkin yellow.

You want to see it?

Come on, really?

What do you really have?

I want to know what's down there.

Well, you want to see the other one?

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, I'll show you after.

I have one car now that I drive.

I drive on the right side.

It's a Japanese car.

And so cops look and they're like, should we shoot the tires out?

It's a way of it.

They don't.

It's called a Nissan Figaro.

Oh, nice.

It's tiny.

Oh, yeah.

You want to go on a ride sometime?

Yeah, I will.

The battery died.

Let's do something.

I really do.

I really do want to go and get a meal with you.

Let's do it.

I haven't seen you in a while.

You've been and, you know, my family, anytime you wanted to come over and do a tight 10, and then we'll give you a little

pita sandwich with some creamed corn on it.

What?

What's my favorite meal?

We'd have you over.

Seriously.

You're a wonderful person.

I'm just going to say this to all of our listeners.

If you haven't seen Chris Chris Fleming do his thing, go online, start watching.

You'll never stop.

He's a brilliant, brilliant fellow.

Peace out, Tupac.

Props to your mother.

I got nothing.

No way to end this.

Just say thank you.

Bye.

Looking at my hand right now.

It's really dirty.

Eduardo, cut the mic.

No, no, cut the mic.

Blay, I've been to your apartment many times.

Look, I don't know if you know this, but I'm an interior decorator now.

I've heard, yes.

Specifically with Ashley, and you have great taste.

I think you need to zhuzh it up a little bit.

Okay, especially your sofa.

Your sofa is horrendous.

I play a lot of video games.

Honestly, the couches are sagging, and it's my back is really hurting.

So, I really could use some new furniture and your help in picking out something.

It's going to look nice and it's going to last me for a long time.

I picked out a few sofas that I think might fit your vibe a little bit.

Okay.

This has a recliner.

It's got lights on the bottom and it's got cup holders.

I like this a lot.

Now, would you see me as a leather guy or a cloth guy?

Look, I run hot.

I'm sweaty all the time.

Me da.

You know what?

I'm not even going to make fun of you for that because so am I.

That's what friendship's all about, sweating together.

Let's see you the next one.

I like this a lot.

I like the speaker in it.

I like the color.

I like the cloth.

Yeah.

Here's the thing, dude.

I don't want to go to the store to pick this up.

I understand.

And this is the beauty of Ashley.

Ashley provides fast, reliable white glove delivery right to your door.

That's great.

I think when I see this, it's not just a new sofa, it's a new life.

It's a new beginning.

I love it.

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Blae, you're joining us here because we have to ask you a question.

We need to get to the bottom of something.

Okay.

Okay.

When we record, you sit back there with Eduardo and Adam, and we took a picture of a recent session.

We're going to bring it up on the screen now.

Let's take a look.

And we just want answers.

This is what you brought in.

Yeah.

Five cans of seltzer water and a hand sanitizer.

Well, the hand sanitizer is not mine.

Okay.

But

still.

When I use hand sanitizer, I don't use hands.

Do you drink that much in a session?

Oh, yeah.

Really?

Oh, easily.

Not shown is probably the coffee I finished.

How do you not have to pee five minutes in the next one?

Well, I was just going to say I have a big bladder, but I didn't want to offer that information.

How do you know your bladder is big just because you don't have to go pee pee all the time?

Because I could drink that much.

It'd be fine.

Okay.

I don't know.

You know,

look at his body language right now.

Well, why are you so dismissive?

I don't like being at the station.

Why are you so dismissive?

I don't like being at the station.

Can I run this for one second?

You have your arms crossed in front of you.

Oh.

Oh.

What?

No.

No.

That was the universal signal.

Do you think that's going to work?

No.

Do you think that's going to work?

I'm doing this.

You do you.

No.

You to you.

No, no, no.

No, no, no.

Don't say this to you.

You to you.

No, you to you.

UTI.

Listen, I need to conduct a serious and serious talk.

I'm not talking.

You're pointing.

You're not talking.

Hang on.

That's not a gotcha thing either.

I'm just kidding.

Clearly, clearly this isn't a gotcha thing.

But why you love being in here?

Your leg is going like a jack camera.

You You have your arms crossed in front of you like you're defiant.

Right.

And you're shouting.

You always shout at the microphone.

Does he not, Eduardo?

This is true.

Okay.

Why can't you, I'm known to be loud, but I do lower my voice when we're on the microphone.

Right.

You shout when you get on the microphone.

I am.

Too loud.

No, God.

Excited to be here always.

I love what I do.

And I love working for you.

And I love working with my best friends.

And I am excited to be here.

Good answer.

Thank you so much.

I've said previously on this podcast, guys, back me up.

When you're behind this counter, it feels like you're very far away, out of the action.

So I feel like I need to project.

I have a large head.

But you understand how microphones work, right?

This is not why we brought you up.

I have a large head and it just comes out of me, man.

It just reverberates.

It's like I want to talk.

I want to hate.

Okay.

I just wanted to attack you a little bit.

Jesus.

And make you self-conscious.

Yes, it's working.

Okay.

Settle down.

And remember,

that's a very sensitive issue.

You let my client say his piece.

Thank you.

Thank you.

No, no, no.

And now I'm going to make the.

No!

This goes for men and women, too.

God, Jesus.

This means add a little proprieto.

It looks like you're trying to give me like a, like a, like a, what is this called?

I don't want to say

nipple twister, a purple nurple.

I was going to say titty twister is what I call it.

Yeah.

Yeah, well.

A purple nurple.

Thanks, Potty.

I thought it was purple nurple.

It's a purple nurple.

I do think I'm going to turn this back to Matt because he had some kind of idea here.

I don't.

If the idea was you drink four cans of water,

I'll be shocked.

If you've built your church on sand, I will be shocked.

But I'm sure there's something big coming here.

What you got, Matt?

No,

I'm abstaining.

I'm not getting in that.

Hey, but that's a lot.

Get him!

Isn't that a lot?

Isn't that a lot?

Five cans in

like 45 minutes.

No, these could be like two hours.

But how do you open them during an interview when we don't hear them?

I will say I wait till there's laughter and i go underneath the table and bardo sees this i go way underneath the table this is true and it's so it's like i wait for like ha ha ha

underneath the table no one hears it so i defy our listeners can you hear me ever open a can of pop no i never do yeah thank you well it's not a can of pop this is just um well it's soda it's all the same isn't it soda it's you know what you could do is pre-open them yeah but then they get flat yeah they don't really get flat

here for two hours i you know i do i will sick you're being fine talking about four volumes I will pre-open a couple times.

I think this is one of the best things you've ever brought to the podcast.

I agree.

The great mystery of the four cans of pop.

I agree.

Okay, so can somebody get something straight?

You always

have to do it.

You want something to talk about.

And I bring you something to talk about.

And this is the response I get.

I'm sorry.

You pulled bullshit on me.

I apologize.

That's true.

What did you bring to talk about?

What did you bring today?

I apologize.

I assumed that if we were going to bring something, something of quality.

Oh, my God.

I never didn't think it was going to be quite.

I will never bring another thing.

I brought something too.

Sona, you keep these tissues, healthy.

These clean eggs.

Oh, my God.

I charge you with needing.

Do you need all of these?

Are you a real noseblower?

Or are you an eye wiper?

I can get hours out of this.

Look, it's on my head.

Cook crew, cooker.

If you found this out, you would go for 15 minutes on him if you found it of your own accord.

I don't agree.

I uh, listen, I find you guilty.

Um,

and and and maybe I'm wrong.

Maybe you having four cans of pop is a deep vein of ore, and I'm being ignorant.

Well, look, so let's explore it more.

So, what else?

We're absolutely out of time.

Now, the pop, where do you, how far beneath the table do you hold the can of aforementioned pop before you ignite the grenade that makes such a loud noise?

Uh, you know, what I am thinking of now is that he must be tortured when the conversation gets kind of serious.

And he really wants, maybe he's had a lot of saltines and he really wants to open his can of pop, but he can't because there's no laughter.

And I've taken us down, I'm taking us down a road of.

Well, geez.

And so, well, I'm really sorry that you lost your father.

Were you close to your father?

I was very close to my father.

Oh, I see.

And you're just there struggling, and then you're probably trying to force a laugh.

You ever heard of a laugh that joke?

Seems like he got a lot of material out of this suggestion.

You know what?

You've been, this is, I'm helping you by making this very funny with my mind.

You are, that is, that is, honestly, that is really, if you want the honest truth, that is actually truly the case.

I do get annoyed when the podcast gets serious and I'm very thirsty because I'm just waiting for a laugh.

And I will say, and I hesitate to even bring this up.

Remember the time we had a fireman's widow on

and she was recently widowed?

And she was really upset.

And I was talking to her about the pain of loss.

Remember?

And then you were in the corner and I couldn't see what you were holding on to the table and and you kept going,

knock, knock, knock, knock.

Who's there?

Dishes.

Dishes, Sean Connery.

And I was like, what?

And the woman said, I just lost my husband in a fire.

And you were like, and you heard,

I'm not sure.

Yes,

Adam has something to say in that respect.

I was just going to say, I think the intention here was, you know, if you remember, Blay narced on Eduardo for watching Salvador.

And I think the intention here was to, I, was to, was to kind of get some revenge on Blay.

I don't think this delivered necessarily.

So we need to figure out a way to get better results.

Let the record state this is not revenge at all yet.

Okay, but I will say, I will say, yes.

Why is Blay?

Listen, Blay, why did you just high-five him that you need greater revenge

brought upon you?

You dummy.

Wait, what?

He just said this doesn't count as revenge against me because it's not mean enough.

And you,

you,

you gave him a fist bump.

I thought you had to do it.

He just said,

let's convict him to death and hang him by the neck.

And you went, yeah, and fist punk.

I kind of wasn't paying attention.

Okay, I know.

I know.

You're thinking about your next can of pot.

Oh, you did have something to say.

What was it?

Oh, I was going to say, I

please speak more quietly.

Let the man push you.

I think it's a normal volume, personally.

I think he is speaking at a normal volume.

That's a fist punk.

Yeah.

That's a fist punk.

Oh, my God.

He's getting a headache.

This room is hell.

This is hell.

This is your segment.

I know.

All right.

Look, I was going to say, I do burst in sometimes.

Now that's revenge.

Yay!

Nice.

Never screw with the guy who controls the volume knob.

I want to clarify something.

I think this is a great thing that you brought in because I could go after you.

That was fun for me.

And we got a lot of good, hard laughs.

Me mocking you, doing the whole bit with the Kleenex tissues.

We'll probably get a Kleenex tie-in now.

I was on Cloud 9.

So did I throw you under the bus?

Sure, I did, but it was a lot of fun.

And we had a lot of yucks.

And Eduardo, I still think we have to try again to get Blay, even though we've gotten him twice in this segment.

We will.

And so I'm going to keep an eye.

And if you keep some jelly beans back there, I'll be all over you like a cheap suit.

You know, I say bring it on.

Oh, wow.

I say, bring it on.

Challenge not to put it on your body.

I feel like a lot goes on back here that we don't know about.

This is the real podcast.

Cans are being open.

Are you doing a crossword puzzle ever, Adam?

Be serious.

No, but I check my phone a lot.

He checks his phone a lot.

Yeah.

He also has worry beads.

He's always rubbing worry beads.

And if he thinks that the podcast has lost its way and is no longer relevant,

I can hear it rattle, rattle, rattle.

One day we should, the three of us should be back here and they should be.

Oh, that's an idea.

Is it?

Yeah.

Who's going to do what Eduardo's doing?

Oh, I guess Matt could do it.

If he shows me the basics, I can do it.

I'll be blank.

It takes two knobs.

Frankly, Eduardo.

That will be Eduardo.

One says louder and one says quieter.

Conan will be Adam.

Yeah.

I can sit over there and I can worry.

I'm worried.

I'm worried.

I don't hear money here.

All right.

Oh, please.

Please.

No one is safe.

No.

He's always this.

Oh, my God.

You know what he asked me to do before we came in here today?

He wanted wanted me to wear a shirt that said Walmart.

And I was like, why?

And he went, they're not a sponsor yet, but they might be.

And I'm like, this is a really ugly shirt.

I have nothing against Walmart.

Right?

It's ridiculous.

It's, you know, it is silly.

It's so Adam to do that.

Yeah.

Remember those glasses you wanted me to wear that said STP motor oil?

And I was like, why?

And you said, just wear them.

Yeah.

Or that shirt that says, I love fracking.

That was my shirt.

And fracture.

My grandmother, grandmother, my grandmother made me that shirt.

She was big.

She was saying, I'm telling you, there's a way to get oil out of the ground that's even worse for the environment.

And I'd be like, Granny, it's 1975.

Let it go.

All right.

We're good.

And you know what?

I love you all.

No.

No, I don't.

No, there it is.

There it is.

Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonoma Obsession, and Matt Gorley.

Produced by me, Matt Gorley.

Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Frost, and Nick Liao.

Theme song by The White Stripes.

Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

Take it away, Jimmy.

Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

Engineering and Mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns.

Additional production support by Mars Melnick.

Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn.

You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.

Got a question for Conan?

Call the Team Cocoa Hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message.

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And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

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