Don’t Look A Gift Horse Meat In The Mouth

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Conan O'Brien needs a fan.

Want to talk to Conan?

Visit teamcoco.com/slash call Conan.

Okay, let's get started.

Hi, Nerjamal.

Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan.

Hi.

Hi, guys.

Hi.

Hello, Nerjamal.

Wow.

I just cannot believe.

Hi, Sona.

Hi.

Hi, Conan.

Nice to see you.

Hi to me first.

Nice to see you.

Always save the best for last, they say.

And then hi.

Matt's here as well.

Hi,

I saw Matt.

No, we did.

I said hi already.

So

I'm having a lot of time.

I'm not.

No, there's no reason for us to assume he wasn't

recording.

I was.

Nerjamal,

welcome to our little podcast.

It's nice to meet you.

Am I saying your name correctly?

Nerjamal?

Yes, it's Nerjamal.

Yeah.

Nerjamal.

I'm saying it correctly.

Where are you coming to us from?

I'm calling from Almaty, Kazakhstan.

Wow, Kazakhstan.

It says first.

Yeah, I think you're our first person that we're talking to from Kazakhstan.

And you're in, you said you're in Almaty.

Is that right?

Yes, it's Almaty.

It's

in the south part of Kazakhstan.

That's what I assumed.

It's the best city.

It's a really good city.

Do you like it there?

Have you lived there your whole life?

Yeah, I was born here.

I was raised here.

And by the way, it's not the first time we are talking with you, Conan.

Yeah, I think our story goes back like seven years before if I can wait was I married to you

No, no,

I married some woman in Kazakhstan I remember

and it was very uh it was very short-lived

and uh yeah, most of it's been scrubbed from the internet uh wait.

So, how do I we interacted?

You said seven, eight years ago.

What was this interaction?

So, seven years ago, um

I was on my undergraduate studies and I was super depressed.

And I found one of your videos, like when I got this in YouTube poll, and I got and I was so in love with the comedy.

And

I saw this video where you said that if you send me snacks from the country, I will come to this country and, you know, say thank you in person.

So I believed that.

I was like, okay, I will collect all of the snacks that I know from Kazakhstan.

I send it to you.

And then no, nothing.

And I was like, oh, we didn't rest.

Wait a minute.

Hold on a second.

This is important to me.

You sent us a bunch of, I'm going to say Kazakhstani

snacks.

Yeah, that's

and you never heard back from us.

I do not recall getting snacks from Kazakhstan.

Oh, yeah.

Sona.

Sona, you have some Kazakhstani snack wrappers paying them out of your pockets right now.

Let's go.

Listen, here's what happened.

When you did that,

a lot of people from a lot of different countries sent us snacks.

And so a lot of us in the office would open them, save the letters, and then we would eat the snacks.

And

you didn't make me aware that I had been, I mean, the gift was to me.

Can I say though, we did send all the letters to Mike Sweeney, your head writer.

So I passed along my responsibility and now I'm

now

passing the buck along no, Mike Sweeney, who was not here to speak for himself.

So

here Jamal, let me make it clear to you.

I was unaware, but I would like to know what were the snacks.

What are some snacks from Kazakhstan?

What did I miss out on?

There were some chips with a taste of horse meat.

I know it sounds like...

Oh, Christ.

I know.

Like, I'm sorry, but...

Well, hold on.

So, wait a minute.

I can't believe horse meat-flavored chips didn't make their way to me.

Sona, I remember that week you smelled like horse.

And you had all this horse chip crumbs around your mouth.

You know what?

I do remember this box because they were very unique snacks.

And we tried them just to see how they would taste.

They just tasted like chips, if I remember right.

I mean, right?

They're not like.

So the horse meat flavor didn't really come through?

No, I have never had horse, so maybe it did, but it just tasted like chips.

I couldn't send horse meat because, you know, food regulations and stuff.

So I...

I hate.

You know what?

The government.

I hate

when the government won't let us send shredded horse through the mails.

Stay out of my horse meat snacks.

Exactly.

Don't tread on me, horse meat grabber.

Okay.

And I sent one of the fine chocolates of Kazakhstan.

By the way, I called the office, even though I was a progress student.

I was

calling the office and had office manager on call.

And I was asking if you

had the chance of tasting it.

And I don't remember what he said, but I was making sure that you would taste it.

So you know what makes me suspicious?

You said office manager.

This is not.

This is not like an Apple store.

This is not a professional.

We're not a Staples.

This is a very goofy place.

So anyone who picked up the phone and said Office Manager was probably just some random idiot.

Yeah.

It may not have been someone who worked here.

Let's cut to the chase.

I am sorry.

Narjamal that I did not receive and acknowledge your gift.

That makes me feel

sad.

Not so sad that it, I mean, it's a sadness that will be short-lived, but

I'm sorry that I didn't get your

relationships.

Because there is a continuation to that story.

Oh, God.

So I don't know.

No, keep it coming.

Keep it going.

Keep it going.

We need to hear.

I just feel badly for what's coming.

So

I'm like, okay, he didn't respond to that.

And then I had a graduation ceremony.

And I thought, okay I

need to invite him but I didn't have money because you know I was a student and there was only one thing that was precious to me it was a printer that was a gift from my mom and I sold it and it was the ex exactly the price of a letter to send you because it was a FedEx and it was expensive.

Wait, wait, wait.

You sold a printer that prints out, you know, emails, any right?

A real printer.

A printer that copies and also scans and also prints.

Wait a minute, you sold that?

And that's how much it costs to send a letter from Kazakhstan to Los Angeles?

It was like a,

how to say,

it's like in three, four days.

It was like a very fast delivery.

So it costs that much.

Yeah.

Was this...

Did you print your letter with this printer?

Or was it handwritten?

Yeah, of course.

Before I sold it, I was like, this is your last.

It's like the gift of the Magi.

Yeah, it is.

You know,

I sold my hair to buy you

the watch fob.

And that's so funny.

I sold my watch fob to buy you this comb.

Yeah.

That's the trick.

Sorry, it's a O.

Henry story that no one cares about anymore.

And thanks for the help with the watch fob because you actually have a watch fob on you right now.

Listen.

So I helped you and you're going to insult me.

That's not an insult.

Hey, That's not an insult.

Well, it's a lie.

It's a lie, but it's not an insult.

I do have some pearl and lake combs on me.

Wow.

Oh, my God.

Narjamal, I can't believe this story.

You sold a printer, an expensive printer, so that you could get the money to FedEx.

Sounds like almost overnight.

A letter to me.

Please tell me I responded to the letter.

Please.

You responded to this video on your Instagram account and you made it like just the day before my graduation and it was crazy.

I was like, to be honest with you, I was crying of happiness.

This makes me happy, Narjamal.

I'm not kidding.

I hate that you went through all this and I'm so happy that you got, that I've responded.

We have a lot of,

as you can imagine, it's a little chaotic here.

And there's a lot of people in Kazakhstan sending me chips

and selling printers to send me their wigs so that I can get them a watch fob.

How long ago?

Sorry, just so I know who your assistant was.

How long ago was that letter that you sent?

I sent in 2019.

Oh!

You were done by then?

No, I was still your assistant.

Hey!

Hey!

We have it on record that she accomplished something.

Okay.

Yay!

Cut you footage of cheering crowds from the 1920s.

No, good job.

Listen, Sona, all joking aside, Sona is a great assistant, and she did take care of the important stuff.

You really did.

I did.

And so, the fact that, I mean, we joke around a lot, and some of it's based on truth, and a lot of it's based on truth, but you

it's mostly based in truth.

It's all true,

but you.

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Nerjamal, I'm so glad that I responded to you.

I feel badly that you sold that printer.

I do.

I think we should get her a new printer.

There is a continuation.

Oh, this story has so many labels.

You know what's faster?

Nerjamal, you can say, but there's more.

You don't have to say, but there is a continuation because it's just a little shorter, but there's more.

Okay.

Thank you so much.

That's okay.

I'm just trying to help you.

I'm not a native speaker, so yeah.

No, no, no.

You speak very well.

This is a little trick.

This is a little life hack.

Instead of, but there is a continuation, but there's more.

Okay.

But there is more.

Yes.

A year ago, you had this radio show where you told that people could call you.

So I thought, like, okay, you know, he didn't still show up.

I mean, I haven't seen him in Kazakhstan, so I should call.

But it was 2 a.m.

And I was trying to call, and it was an international call.

So obviously it was very hard for me.

So my friend who lives in Michigan, she was at the office working.

So she was like, let me help you.

And she postponed all of her meetings.

And

she was calling.

you we collectively we called like 500 times i think so we got you on the line and she was on the phone.

I was talking like this through laptop, and she was putting her phone like this.

And we could speak for like 10 minutes.

Were you speaking to me, or were you speaking to someone at the show?

No, I was speaking to you, Conan.

And you said that I have a beautiful name, and now that I know you forgot.

And

I remember this.

I was really excited.

But wait, I'm just trying to understand the context of it.

That's all.

So many people, Narj Mal, you're very near and dear to my heart, but so many people call in.

You hosted, it was like a one-hour just call-in style show.

Got it.

And at Sirius XM offices.

And it was during that time that it.

And I remember specifically.

See, I don't even, yeah, there were.

It was just Conan.

I am constantly.

Yeah, yeah.

Narjamal, you have to understand I'm constantly on the go interacting.

I do things without us.

Well, of course I do things without you.

I've got to make some scratch.

Which is hurtful.

Yeah.

That's money I get to keep.

I don't have to, you know, take off 2% for you guys.

It does feel like we should have got Mark Twain prizes.

Yeah, I agree.

They are.

They're coming.

Okay.

They're called the Shania Twains.

I'll take it.

Man, I feel like a woman.

Bitter than that Mark Twain guy.

Please, I'm making it about Narjamal, and you're making your dumb Shania Twain jokes, which have been made before, by the way.

I just borrowed it.

Narjamal,

I feel badly about the printer.

And

it sounds like I've had I did send you a video and I did talk to you on the phone.

So I think I've been a pretty good guy, but I feel very badly about this printer and the goods you sent me that were not acknowledged.

So I think

I need to replace the printer.

Do you think that's fair?

That would be fair because my mom didn't know that I sold the printer because I couldn't tell her.

I was ashamed that, you know, when I showed your show, she was like, What is this?

And I'm like, Well,

you know what,

the guy that I sold the printer for, and she was so disappointed.

And you know what?

I bought her.

Wait, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Your mother said,

You showed your mother the show, and you said, This is the reason I sold the printer.

And your mother was, her reaction was disappointed.

Yeah.

Did she think I was funny?

I mean, I'm a little disappointed.

Did she think I was funny?

She was like,

No.

But who cares?

I think that you're funny.

No, now you don't understand my psyche.

Narjamal, you don't understand my psyche.

I always go towards the person who's not responding.

And now I feel like

I don't need to visit you.

I'm obsessed with winning your mother over.

She told me this Komdan guy needs to buy me a printer then.

So I'm like...

Oh, that's how you win her over.

Oh, there you go.

No, I feel like I have to buy her something more than that now.

I mean, I really have to win her over.

Buy her a person who's in the trade of a printer.

You know, it's principal.

From the 1880s.

Yeah.

She was like,

she would have been okay about the printer if she liked you.

Right.

If it had been a better comedian.

Yeah.

Then she would have been

a bored.

Does she have a bunch of people?

Is she a big comedy fan?

She likes my jokes.

Because, by the way, I started doing a stand-up comedy after, well, after I started watching your show.

I got inspired and I started doing

comedy.

Good for you.

Yeah, so thank you.

But in Kazakhstan, it's like sometimes there are two people in the audience for English crowd.

So I'm not doing that well.

But

why can't you do it in the native tongue?

Why can't you speak do stand-up comedy for the people of Kazakhstan in their own language?

That's a good question.

Why are you doing it in English for two people who...

usually think in English and

everything that I consume is in English?

For example, through your show, I was introduced to great comedians like Lauren McDonald.

I love your segment with Kevin Nealon.

And so many great comedians through your show.

And I was like, I got inspired and I started doing it in different countries as well so I decided to come back to Kazakhstan to I mean to do something you do stand-up comedy you do it in English and you're doing it in Kazakhstan you say the problem is that when you're at the club how many comedy clubs are there in Kazakhstan

there are several but what are their names what are the names of the Kazakhstani uh okay

there is one in um

in in my city it's called central stand-up club

but we have uh sounds very like Soviet.

The Central Stand-Up Club.

You must have your papers.

You must have your papers in order.

You have been issued a warning by the Central Committee of the Stand-Ups.

Yuck Yucks of the State.

Yeah.

Chuckles for the people and for the revolution.

The people's belly laughs.

Laughter for grain.

And for larger families.

Sorry, we went on a little run there, and it was a lot of fun for everybody and I think it showed a real knowledge of different cultures.

Nerjamal,

I do feel like I owe you.

You've been a very loyal fan.

I'm glad that I've inspired you to do comedy and to try and make other people laugh.

I do think it's the hope for the future is laughter.

Well, actually also vaccines and enough food for everyone in maybe a cooler climate.

Those are ahead of laughter.

Laughter is like last.

But

we need to get rid of nuclear, I mean, nuclear disarmament, global warming,

enough food, some kind of renewable,

cool energy source.

We need an end to dictatorships and oligarchs, and then laughter.

Those are the things in that priority in that list.

Okay, thank you for the lecture.

You're good.

You're good.

But

let me say more in continuation.

You.

I think we're.

It's more, right?

It's more to this.

There's more.

This is how you'd sell it.

There's more.

But wait.

You don't say.

But you say, but wait, there's more.

But wait.

Oh, okay.

There's more.

And you give kind of a look like a, but wait, there's more.

There's more.

Yeah.

That's good.

You got it.

You got it.

I think you show a lot of promise, Nursimal.

You're very funny.

You're very persistent.

You're very generous.

You have a big heart.

You're creative.

You're all the things that I love about a fan, about anybody, but especially a fan of mine.

I think your mother is way out of control with her comedy tastes.

And I'm just going to be, I'm going to wake up at three in the morning and wonder why can't I win over Nerjamal's mother?

I know.

But

I'm very happy that we are talking, and I hope we get to meet in person.

I hope we get to meet in person, and I will find a way to right what's been wrong.

Okay.

Wow.

That's a lot of promise for the person who told that you will travel to the country where you send the snacks.

So I am like,

Jesus.

I am just, no, no, no.

To be fair, I'm really honored to see you guys.

I'm trying to.

To be fair, you lied to me, Conan.

You broke my heart.

You broke my heart.

You didn't acknowledge the snacks I sent.

You robbed

my mother of a printer that I stole from her just so I could communicate with you.

And you don't remember the time we talked on the phone.

Other than that, you seem like a swell guy.

You left the drapes open in the Tahoe house.

This is just

I've been annihilated, Najmal.

I will make this right.

Or my name isn't

Steve

Robalabalob.

no, I'm going to make this right.

Okay,

okay.

I like you.

You're a nice person.

You guys, I am so honored and so happy to be here and to see you.

I was like a big fan.

I'm still.

I listened to the podcast

and I love all of you.

Oh, that's nice to think that Sona and I never let you go.

I met.

Yeah, you can rely on those two.

Yeah, because Sona never forgets a thing.

All right, well, it's an honor.

honor.

Narjamal, it's an honor to talk to you, and I do look forward to meeting you in person.

Something tells me our story continues.

Something tells me there'll be more.

More in continuation.

There'll be more in continuation.

To put it in your own words.

All right.

You take care, Narjamal.

You too, guys.

Say happy safe.

Thank you so much for an invitation.

This is

that's like mind-blowing.

Thank you for all of the people who worked there, Aaron and Eduardo.

Thank you so much, guys.

She's so sweet.

She's so nice.

Edwardo.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Yeah, cut out the part where Edward is likely.

Wow.

We can convert that into landfill.

Wow.

Bye-bye, Narjamal.

Take care.

Bye, Conan.

Bye.

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