Charlie Sheen

It's here.

The Naked Gun is now streaming on Paramount Plus.

So excited about this.

Love the Naked Gun franchise.

You know what?

There's a lot of questions.

Can Liam Neeson do it?

Can he take on the mantle of this incredible franchise?

And the reviews are in.

People think it's hilarious.

It's a great film.

I've seen it twice.

It's awesome.

Finally, the world gets Liam Neeson as Frank Drebin Jr., yes, the son of Lieutenant Drebbin.

Neeson is joined by Paul Walter Hauser, Pamela Anderson, Liza Cauchy, Danny Houston, even WWE's Cody Rhodes, and the films directed by Akiva Schaefer, who's very talented.

Fans are already calling The Naked Gun the funniest movie of the year.

Now you can watch it at home so you don't miss a single joke.

Get your popcorn.

What?

The Naked Gun is now streaming on Paramount Plus.

Follow us here, and that means fall close.

I love fall close.

Me too, but this is something we really agree on.

Well, this is something we really agree on because I like to cover as much of my body as possible.

And most people agree I should.

Macy's Fall Fashion Guide is your one-stop shop for the season's biggest trends, curated by Macy's style experts.

Think weekend in the country, the new boho and statement luxury.

For her, that means romantic flowy dresses from Cece,

sheer looks from INC, Luxe Leather by Donna Karen and Carl Lagerfeld, and bold animal prints from Ann Klein, Steve Madden, and more.

For him, well, Levi's bummer jackets, vintage-inspired denim, statement loafers, and relaxed suiting from Hugo Boss and Michael Coors.

Shop now at Macy's.com or in-store today.

Hi, my name is

Charlie Sheen.

I love that you very few people struggle with their own name.

Well, no, Charlie, how are you?

Charlie.

I came up with the fill-in

in the middle of my name.

I'm using all of this.

I don't care what I'm saying.

I hope so.

Hi, my name is Charlie Sheen, and I feel enchanted

about being Conan O'Brien's friend.

I love that.

Yeah, I like that a lot.

I haven't used that word since childhood.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Fall is here, hear the yell.

Back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walk in the blues, climb the fence, books and pens.

I can tell that we are gonna be friends.

Yes, I can tell that we are gonna be friends

hello and welcome to conan o'brian needs a friend the podcast that gives life meaning sona vsian joining me along with matt gorley hi and sona i understand you've got a big gig coming up do you want to talk about it yeah we were talking about a podcast recording we have coming up that i have to miss because i'm going to

this episode Oh, just kidding.

Oh, I'm missing this episode.

You're missing this.

Oh, so you won't see me or hear me in Charlie Sheen's episode because they know it's Charlie Sheen.

I'm pulling a cone and I'm like, do they know?

I'm sorry, I'm from the old school of show business where you, voila, this is the new world of magic where they tell you how the trick works and then do it.

Start with it going, and tonight's guests are.

I know.

Nothing was ever a surprise.

I know.

Oh, my God.

Don't reveal how ignorant I am of my own life.

I don't even know who I am at this point.

So, but anyway, I'm going to try and clean up.

My job is to clean up this brambled brush.

Wow.

Yeah.

You are going to miss the interview today because

you have to go on a big gig.

Tell us what the gig is.

I'm doing a speaking engagement at a convention for assistants.

Why are you laughing so hard?

I was your assistant for 12 years.

You were terrible.

How dare you?

Why is there also a convention for assistants?

Because it's an important thing to bring us all together.

We are the most powerful people in the entertainment.

This is going to make me sound really ignorant, probably to a bunch of

speaking.

She's the one.

Stop laughing.

Obviously.

Stop laughing.

Obviously.

I kept you alive for 12 years.

I kept you alive.

I kept you alive.

This is the greatest thing I've ever heard.

I got you to where you needed to be.

I forgot what else I did.

I'm pretty sure, like, I.

Welcome, everybody, to the Convention of Non-Killing Murderers.

And our speaker today is Genghis Khan.

Genghis, talk about your life of not killing and not murdering.

No violence.

These are my people.

These are my people.

Now, are you there?

Is it kind of ironic that you're going?

People know.

You wrote a book called World's Worst Assistant.

Yeah, you wrote the forward for you.

I know.

Yeah.

You laugh.

You laugh at you.

You did this.

You laugh at you.

You laugh at you.

If you enabled this, you'd laugh you.

Is this a a preview of your speech?

Hey, number one rule of being assistant.

You laugh you.

You laugh you.

What are you talking about?

You're incoherent.

What I'm saying is, you enabled me for 12 years.

Okay, sure.

All right.

What do you mean, sure?

I mean, yes, I agree with you.

I don't think you ever reprimanded me.

You just made fun of me all the time.

Right.

But what I'm saying is, given that all of that is true, you still should not be speaking to thousands of assistants and putting your imprint on their minds.

How did I am

a success story?

In spite of yourself.

That's true.

But I assisted a high-profile individual for a very long time.

Very true.

Very true.

And I got you to where you needed to be.

Yeah.

What do you mean?

Yeah, I did.

Good debating skill.

What do you mean?

Or wasn't it a choice?

I was a champion.

Speech.

I didn't.

Speech.

She didn't debate.

Because debate involves logic and doing a little reading ahead of time.

She was really good at going, oh, me?

No, you!

You look at you.

You look at you.

You look at you.

Funny me, funny you.

You laugh.

You, and you, no, you did this.

You did this.

You enabled it.

Champion, once again, is Sonoma Obsession, Cessians, Session, Session.

No, for real.

I came into this ambitious, and then you started making fun of me very early on.

You said it sounded like I was arguing with Dracula when I was talking to my grandma on the phone.

It was your mother.

And it broke.

And it did sound like arguing.

It broke.

You were like,

and it said sound like, you know, Dracula the auctioneer.

And I just commented on that and I thought it was a very sensitive way.

Are you proud of what you've done to me?

Yes.

I think it's really funny.

Is it?

Yeah.

Is it funny for you?

Yes.

Because you, in AI.

You funny you.

You funny you.

Well, you win that one too.

God, you're good.

What's the subject of your speech going to be?

It's not.

It's a Q ⁇ A.

I don't even have to have a prepared speech.

I'm just going to have a conversation with someone, which is nice.

It's called the EA Mafia.

And, you know, they're like, it's a, it's going to be in Palm Springs.

It's going to be lovely.

Okay.

I'm going to say this at the risk of ruining all our good fun.

You are, were a remarkable assistant.

And no, listen, I, I will say this on some of the specifics, a disaster.

But the important thing is, Sona would have jumped in front of a bullet for me.

I think she would have, she's incredibly loyal.

Why would you have done that?

I don't know.

Just so she could get overtime.

To protect my paycheck.

I don't know.

She'd be like, well, I'm shot now.

So that's double overtime

for the length of my recovery.

Can I say something, though?

You compliment David Hopping way more than you've ever complimented me.

You always tell me he's doing a good job.

Yeah.

I taught him everything he knows.

I don't think that's true.

It is true.

No,

he took over and you were like, good luck to you.

You do you.

You do.

And then you jumped out a window and landed in a big hummus truck.

Oh, that sounds good.

I want some of that.

That actually sounds really nice.

No, I'm going to finish my nice thing.

Okay, yes, please.

Incredibly loyal, very street smart, savvy, really funny.

And we had a blast.

I had a blast working with you.

I think 95% of the time we were doing bits.

But yeah, helped keep me sane

or kept me insane.

I don't know which, but

Sona, I love you and I owe you everything.

I love you too.

I'm serious, too.

I really miss working with you on a daily basis.

Back to how terrible you were.

Okay, even though I know we were so close to a nice moment.

Come on.

Come on.

My favorite quote is the, we did a remote that you can look up on YouTube, I'm sure, or our website, whatever.

I don't know how things work.

What?

YouTube.

What's that?

YouTube.

It should be on YouTube.

YouTube's still a thing.

Okay.

On the tube.

You can look it up.

But when you and I worked with someone.

The HR rep.

The HR rep blair i think right yeah oh that's right her name is blair and you said and you weren't making a joke you say i just think i have a mental block against assisting him and i said you are my assistant yes and it was such a great moment because i think that's true but it also in a great way worked it did work it worked and we're pals for life we are pals for life and i'm i'm a barnacle also i'm proud of you i'm i'm really glad that you're doing this and i think those people are lucky to have you oh my god thanks like a piece of what are you getting paid Yeah.

Can I get a little something?

No.

You can't get it.

No, that's mine.

Don't do that.

I just want to wet my beak.

I want to wet my beak.

No, don't do that.

Oh my god.

No, I'm not doing it.

Stop doing that.

Ew.

I love wet my beak.

Godfather.

Gross, I don't like the

sound effects.

Those are awful.

Awful.

My guess today, we got to get into it.

Yeah.

I mean, there's no time to screw around.

Maybe he wants to wet his beak.

All we've been doing is screwing around, just so we're clear.

I know.

That is actually the job definition.

That is what we do.

Quit screwing around.

We got to get get back to screwing around.

My guest today is an actor whose new memoir, The Book of Sheen, is out now.

He also has a two-part Netflix documentary titled, aka Charlie Sheen.

Charlie Sheen, welcome.

I want to make it clear to all my listeners.

I met you years and years ago.

You came on, I didn't realize you came on my show eight times.

That's amazing.

You came on the show a lot.

And the first time I met you, my immediate reaction was, and this is long before Two and a Half Men.

Okay.

My reaction was, damn, this guy is really funny.

Oh, right.

And I remember clicking with you right away just about how funny you are, which enraged me.

Because you were born with that head and I was born with this head.

That infuriated me that you were so quick and verbally dexterous.

Your delivery is so dry.

You You have the features and, of course, the career of a leading man actor.

Thank you.

But

you are so funny in ways that could surprise because it's not what I expected coming out of you.

And I think that served you really well or yours.

And now

speak to that.

Yeah, yeah.

What can I say?

Where do you go from there?

What can I say that you didn't?

Well,

you could say, no, no, no, you're wrong, Conan.

It is you.

Right, right,

True master.

Of course, you haven't done that.

It was you, though,

when I discovered that we had, like, instantly, we had a comedic rapport.

Yes.

And we understood each other's rhythms and timing and sensibilities.

Yes, yes.

And that's, that doesn't use, that's, that's rare.

No, it was, it was so much fun.

I remembered, you know, there was always, as you know, you, you, uh, you generate all kinds of stories.

And at the time, there was some story about how you liked feet, you know, ladies' feet.

And so, um, our producer we did it with Andy, yeah.

And our producer Frank Smiley said, uh, and you know, we thought, well, we'll pitch you this thing.

And I thought, well, he, you know, Charlie Sheen might just get mad and punch us.

It was all about us showing you different feet and you rating them.

Right.

And

you were like, of course.

Yes.

Let's do that.

And then you did it and you were really funny.

And to me, it's,

oh, he's really fun to play with.

And there's so many ways that I, first of all, a lot of similarities.

You and I were, when you talk about who really partied hard in the 80s and 90s, it's always Charlie Sheen, Conan O'Brien.

Well, yeah.

I mean, and not always in that order.

Not always in that order.

No.

No.

I'm sure he didn't party and you didn't just clean up.

Yeah, no.

And Charlie will bear this out.

But there was not a moment in his hard living

times when I wasn't right across the room.

It was me, Nick Cage, and you.

And I was.

And Sean Pan.

And Sean Pan.

And I remembered you guys sometimes saying, Conan, slow down.

Yeah, but that didn't matter if you never listened to us.

But if you're going to set up.

Yeah, that's why when I watched the documentary, read the book, I'm like, hey, where am I, man?

I was there often leading the way.

As litigious as you've been in the past,

we were like,

let's just disappear him.

And we did.

And I thought you'd see that as a compliment.

You know,

my wife, very appreciative.

My kids, so glad not to be mentioned.

It's so funny because you've always made me really laugh.

And

you've had this unusual career where, you know,

these

films, these iconic films that you were...

that you were in and then

where you're playing it's a heavy roles and leading man stuff and, you know, Oscar winning,

you know, platoon and you're in Wall Street.

And then you have this, we were talking about it,

Major League and the hot shots where you got to show this other muscle that most

guys in your position didn't, wouldn't have had that kind of flexibility.

Sure.

And you probably knew all along I could do that if I had to.

Or did you not know?

Well,

the hot shots movies, I, I, going into it,

I was going to be borrowing from the late, great Leslie Nielsen.

Yes.

And I just, I kind of, because I saw those films as a child or as a young teenager, like with Emilio in Westwood on a Friday night watching airplane.

It was the first time when I thought, oh my gosh, someone else gets my sense of humor.

And when I saw that, I thought, oh, yes, this is what it is.

Your eyes don't twinkle when you say it.

You have to have the 10,000 yard stare.

Everything you brought to any of your serious movies, you now bring to this.

But what you're saying and doing is quite absurd.

Right.

So I have to kill those jokes like I killed Sergeant Barnes.

Yes.

I just came up with that.

That's amazing.

And then I had another.

Very good.

Thank you.

Thank you.

That's a fresh one for me.

Okay.

Okay.

And then I just realized that you're talking with us too

i don't mean that demeaningly but you don't have part of the you're in part of the triangle you know what we discourage him as much as possible okay okay because i don't want to be like he's the only one that matters you really don't

know charlie

uh not really did you fill in for someone today

i've never met this guy before in my life no no he was here to uh fix the hvac that's right and we said he said this chair is comfortable i said we'll have a seat and i said this is true i did see platoon when i was in sixth grade six times in the theater In sixth grade?

Sixth grade?

Middle school.

Okay.

And I was obsessed with that movie.

You saw it.

How many times in the movie?

Six times in the middle.

Six times.

So you have, I mean, that's a lot of money in Charlie's pocket that came directly.

And I'm here to get it back.

You were dissatisfied, but you couldn't stop seeing it.

That was a lot of money in Oliver's pocket.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh.

Okay.

I didn't have any ownership back then.

Of course.

Right.

But one of the things that,

you know, between your book and the documentary, both of which I've found fascinating.

Thank you.

One of the things that I connected to on a personal level was because we're the same vintage, I grew up, came of age in the 70s as a kid.

Sure.

And in the documentary, you're showing a lot of footage from your Super 8 films that you're making.

And I recognize...

the jeans.

I recognize the shirts, the jackets.

I also recognize this idea that there were no helicopter parents back then.

You just did whatever you did all day long with your friends.

My parents never knew what I was up to or what I was doing.

In my case, not much.

In your case, a lot.

But I was looking at those,

looking at your Super 8 films, and I was thinking, yeah, I remember this part of my life.

That resonates with me so powerfully.

Killing time with your friends.

Only in your case, your friends are Sean Penn.

And his brother Chris.

Chris, your brother Emilio.

I mean, it's a who's who of very famous actors that you're clowning around with.

Only you're doing the same shit that I was doing in Brookline, Massachusetts with my brothers.

Only we didn't go on to become iconic movie legends.

You guys did.

Well,

yeah.

And

there's two people that are missing from the dock only because they joined the party late.

And

the choice in the dock to focus on that that

specific you know capture of time um and that was uh rob and chad lowe yeah so they were also like right down the street it was like what was in the water yeah what was in that point dumb water was rob moisturizing back then as a child ah he must have been he must have been yeah

it just that guy kills me what is killed me

my face rotting like a pumpkin uh in the hot late october sun um and And I've had talks with him, and I remember I was talking to him once, and he reached into his pocket and it came out, and there was like a little packet in there.

And he was like, squeeze.

Is that true?

Did that happen?

I think it happened.

I think it happened.

But he, you know, some internal clock went off that must moisturize.

But yes,

I don't know if he'll outlive me, but his face will outlive me by 120 years.

All of us.

Yeah.

All of us.

But one of the things that was fascinating about watching the doc was you're making these very innocent films with your friends.

Then you go off because your dad, Martin Sheen, is going to shoot Apocalypse Now.

You and

your family join him.

When you come home from Apocalypse Now, spending a long time in the Philippines, your films change in tone.

And you actually have some of the props from Apocalypse Now, like a severed hand.

You brought stuff back and suddenly all of the films go from, ha ha, oops, we fell down, oops, I went boom, yay, hippie, woo.

And then you come back from shooting that and it's people shooting themselves, shooting each other,

hands flying, body parts.

Yeah.

Your oeuvre completely changed.

It did.

It did.

Yeah.

I guess the

violence,

the pure spectacle,

the sheer amount of blood and body parts on apocalypse, like just like a, you know, like on a Tuesday.

Yeah.

You know, just seeing that.

and, and, but also starting to, like,

get, get in touch with, um,

you know, not with the emotional aspects of FX makeup and gore and all that, but with the technical filmic versions of it, you know, and then wanting so badly to to emulate that and bring that home.

And then basically,

it went from the stuff you talked about to our prop department just being

guns and blanks and blood.

That was it.

I mean, it's really funny to see that change.

Some of that's age, but also you were just on the set of Apocalypse Now for a long time.

Right.

There's skulls everywhere.

There's skulls everywhere.

The heads.

You're looking at the heads.

I mean, there's a lot of people.

This is you at catering.

Yeah.

It's just

skulls and bodies.

I'm just here for a taco.

Yeah.

You.

had these friends who were becoming famous.

And then you had your brother, Emilio, becomes very famous, huge star.

And then there's the whole Brat Pack phenomenon, all those guys and gals.

And I remembered, I came out to LA in 85, and I have a very clear memory of working at Sunset Gower Studios as a 22-year-old walking up the street to make a deposit at the Wells Fargo on Sunset in Hollywood.

And all of a sudden, I saw this Jeep roar, open Jeep roar past, and it was Emilio and Demi and Rob.

They were all in, they were all going, yay!

And they went by me.

And I remember thinking, oh, boy, if only I could be in that Jeep.

That's how I talked back then.

Of course.

Surgery.

We all did.

Your early movies were like, I'm going to go to Wall Street.

So glad they did ADR and fixed that.

Yeah.

You are around that.

And I was thinking, oh, right.

You'd have been around the rap, but no one knows who you you are yet.

And what did that feel like?

It felt awful.

Yeah.

It felt, I felt like I was just, you know, taking up the rear.

I felt like a valet on certain nights.

Even when I was in the mix, like we'd start at the Hard Rock Cafe and then we'd get, you know, wherever the night took us to all the VIP lounges and all the special places where you'd, you know, try to hang out with the untouchables, you know, not the band, like, you know, actual

super famous people.

But I never,

it felt

the worst was when

all the attention from all the pretty girls, you know, and they would all

go home with them, you know, and I would just go home.

And it was, and I just, but it was in, I think there's a line in the book that my, my, my inner bear had been poked and it, and it, and it lit a fire.

You could see from the fucking moon, you know.

You knew on some level, because had you been a different person, you might have said, well, gee, I'd like to be in their situation, but that's not really my thing.

It almost seems to me like you had this subconscious knowledge.

I'm supposed to be one of the people that everybody knows.

Well, that, or at least be part of all of the perks.

You know, I didn't give a shit about acting.

I was looking at that, just like,

you know, if I can just

give a shit about acting.

If I can just get a job that everybody like, you know, lines up to go see,

then that's how my nights will end.

I mean, seriously, that's kind of

the inspiration.

You are honest to a fault.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I only got into comedy to do good works.

Right, I know.

In the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

I'm not familiar with these perks you speak of.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have nine Bentleys

duct taped together.

I'm going to drive home.

This message is brought to you by Airbnb.

Twice I've used Airbnb in the city of San Francisco.

I've loved it because I can feel like a person.

You know how it is when I stay at a fancy hotel.

Yeah.

They're always like, Oh, Mr.

O'Brien, a legend.

I can't believe it.

And I'm like, please, please, it's just, I'm just a person.

No, you're a god.

It goes on and on.

You're a god.

Oh, wow.

Okay.

Yeah.

All right.

Nice.

That was me that said that.

Anyway.

And for those reasons, I won't stay at the Comfort Inn again.

But I like this experience.

I like this experience of just feeling like a person and you can wander around.

You feel like it's a very personal space.

You can chill.

And I know, Blae, you're a big Airbnb person.

Yeah.

And I like to, when I go on trips, I like to put my place up to host so I can make a little extra scratch while I'm away.

And I just got this cool new big glowing egg lamp that changes color.

So it's very, very cool.

And you've had no offers.

Loved it, except for the glowing egg.

Yeah.

You know, it's sci-fi.

It's relaxing.

It's really cool.

Well, your home might be worth more than you think.

Find out how much at airbnb.com slash host.

As a team mobile member, you can take the perks with you because you're traveling with...

Magenta status.

That's cool.

I love saying it.

I know.

I could tell.

Ask me my status.

Hey, Conan, what's your status?

Magenta status.

It starts the moment you take off with free in-flight Wi-Fi so you can stream your favorite show on the go.

Plus, you're covered with 15 gigabytes of high-speed data in over 215 countries and destinations with experience beyond plan.

That's cool.

And this magenta status sounds amazing.

Blae, tell me, I think you get magenta status.

What's it entail?

What's included in magenta status?

Yeah, I have T-Mobile.

I have had T-Mobile for a long time.

I love it.

And, you know, when we went to Thailand, I got great coverage and great high-speed data, which means that I could.

I hear it's up to 15 gigabytes.

That's right.

How did you know?

That's the word on the street.

Wow.

I hear people going 15 gigabytes.

Yeah, that's incredible.

Yeah.

But it was great.

I was connected and it really helped.

Well, this sounds great.

Find out how you can experience travel better at t-mobile.com/slash travel today.

Qualifying plan required.

Wi-Fi, where available on select U.S.

Airlines.

Terms and conditions apply.

Hey, football season coming up.

Yeah.

I'm excited.

Do you have a football team you like?

I mean, I grew up a Raiders fan.

My brother was really into it, but now I'm a Rams fan because I like any team that's in L.A.

I don't.

I'm from Boston, so it's Patriots all the way.

It's going to be Patriots.

Love it, though.

I always get excited from tailgates to a watch party, celebrating all season long means more moments with the coolest people in your life.

You know, I get my crew together when we watch football.

Because they love football as much as I do.

Coolest guys.

Yeah.

They'll come in their little cut-off midrip bearing t-shirts.

Rodman, Greg, Rob Lazevnik.

We all have a blast.

Now, a perfect time to celebrate game day with friends, family, and a great tasting light beer is right now Miller time.

It's the 50th anniversary of Miller Light.

Did you know that?

I did it.

And it's football season at the same time.

Those two go together.

Celebrate 50 years of Miller Light while you're watching your favorite team.

It's like peanut butter and jelly.

You bet it is, except much better.

Yeah.

Because it's beer.

Miller Light.

It's great taste, 96 calories.

Go to millite.com slash Conan to find delivery options near use.

Or you can pick up some Miller Light pretty much anywhere they sell beer.

Miller Time, celebrate responsibly.

Miller Brewing Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, 96 calories, 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces.

There's so much.

I really recommend the documentary because there's so much in it.

Yes, there's all these harrowing tales that you have.

There are moments where I,

as you, as your star rises and you're self-medicating and you're

getting into all kinds of stuff where I'm like, okay, that's not me.

Like there's a scene where you're actually being very valiant.

You're trying to help a woman out who's in a bad situation.

She's in a house with kind of a violent guy.

And you say, well, I went to the, I knew she was in there with this tough guy.

So I went out to my trunk of my car and popped it open and I took out my, and you know the exact makeup.

I do.

I do.

Make it model of the gun.

Yeah, it it was an HK P7M13.

Okay,

not the way I go.

I go for a Glock M8944/slash B carry the three.

They were sold out of those

the day I bought the HK.

Okay, no, no, no.

That's no, anyway.

I think of it always as a ladies' handgun.

But anyway,

it shoots bubbles.

What do you want?

No, you, you, you.

Yeah, why was I so specific about that?

In the dock.

In the dock, it stood out to me like

you rattle off the name of the gun and you like chamber around and put it in your waistband.

I'm like, okay,

you're an actor.

What are you doing?

Um,

well, you know, rolling through a dangerous neighborhood, right?

So I figured I should pack a little heat, but it's in the trunk of your car, right?

But it's,

could you pardon me for a minute, sir?

I'll take care of you.

If you don't mind, I'll step out of the car.

Get my in the trunk if you mind.

Yeah, wait, all my wallet's in the trunk.

Hey, buddy.

No, but it still came in handy.

It did.

That was a tough guy moment, though, that doesn't really speak to like who I claim to be or want to be.

But it did feel dangerous enough that I needed to be armed in that moment, in that creepy place to help her out.

Yeah.

I just, I'm really glad I didn't have to shoot anybody.

Yeah.

Right?

Yep.

Because that's when it gets

confirmation.

I mean, mean, it gets

no.

I say it would be good if you shot up the place.

Okay.

But that's when it gets messy.

Yes.

You know?

Yeah.

And I do.

And not like our Super 8 movies.

Right, right.

This is the real thing.

Is this disallowed?

Are we like not?

I don't see any issue with that.

I have no issue with it at all.

It's just nicotine.

Yeah.

I have no issue at all.

I mean, I'm fine with it.

Vape away.

Okay.

No, I was going to say he was doing something else since it's audio.

Yeah.

He said, is this okay?

And he started removing his clothes.

Can you imagine?

He just pulled out a Hector and Cox 79B.

Is this okay if I fire upon Connie?

Amazing.

Yeah, it's fine.

Yeah, I don't have no problem with it.

But back to that night.

Yeah.

Yeah.

With Sandy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm not doing this in any particular order.

It's just as things come to me.

And one of the things that comes to me is, which makes me sad, but you are

very evocative of another very handsome, very talented, extremely verbally funny person that I got to know a little bit, not super well, but Matthew Perry.

Oh, wow.

He came on my show just as friends was hitting, and he got there early.

And I remember us just chatting in 30 Rock in the hallway

and taking a little walk and laughing.

And

I just thought, damn, this guy's so...

as you are, verbally dexterous, funny.

Then I find out that you guys actually became friendly before he passed away.

We did.

Which makes complete sense to me.

Sure.

Sure.

I wish that I had stayed in better touch with him or just stayed more available or

his orbit was

a hard one to penetrate, you know, or his ecosystem or whatever,

which isn't unsurprising because

when people need to be insulated to

hide or protect the things that they're doing,

the less people getting

past the velvet rope, the better, you know?

Yeah.

Yeah.

That makes sense.

But I read his book and I read it in a day.

And I just, I started it.

And I was like, okay, I don't want to do anything else until I finish this.

And then I wanted to reach out to him.

And then, you know,

kids and stuff and life.

And I was like, I'll call him tomorrow.

I'll call him next week.

But I wanted to just congratulate him and have a laugh about how I was included in his book.

Yeah.

That there's one line where he says, fuck Charlie Sheen.

I'm going to be just as famous one day.

You know, he was like using me like I used Emilio and Rob and Dad and the rest of them.

And I never got to reach out and, first of all, thank him for that and congratulate him on the book.

And then he, I think, died a month after I read it.

Yeah.

You know?

Yeah.

It was that, it was there.

There was a moment in my childhood.

There's a, uh, there was a coffee house in Malibu and it sits like it, it was there for years and they finally tore it down, like they get rid of everything cool, right?

And

I think I was 11 or 12, I decided that Jaws was the greatest film ever made, right?

And I saw it in the movie theater 100 times, like in a movie theater, because it played in theaters for a year or longer.

So anyway, in the middle of that, probably 40 showings into that, right?

Dad drops me off at that diner and I go and sit down.

He says, no, I'm going to park the car and I'll join you in a minute.

Right.

So he's, I'm waiting for him and a person sits down next to me and I turn and look at him and it's Roy Schneider.

Oh, wow.

It's Chief Brody.

Yeah.

And I'm frozen.

I don't know what to do.

I literally don't, I, we don't, there's no languages available.

There's no, I mean, I'm 12, you know?

Yeah.

And

then he was there just briefly.

Dad took a while with the car.

They knew each other from New York.

That introduction could have been like, oh, hey, by the way, it's my son, right?

He leaves, dad shows up, and I say,

Chief Brody was just here, right?

And he says, ah, it's too bad.

I know him.

I could have introduced you.

So then that's, so I never, I never got to tell him that.

Right.

And I was always like, Jesus, if I ever saw, you know, if I ever see him out in the world, then, you know,

I'll say, wow, I was a child in this thing.

But during two and a half, Holland Taylor played my mom, she knew him.

And so she got that message to him.

Oh, that's good.

Yeah, before he passed you know but it was another one of those things it was with matthew that it was kind of it was it it reminded me of the

shider missed opportunity yeah yeah that i mean matthew wrote very honestly about his experiences and you must have rang a lot of bells with you about those demons and what it's like oh yeah to have that kind of uh to be wrestling with that level of addiction yes and and his story i think took us more through

a lot of the,

you know,

just

a lot of the stuff that he dealt with specifically

with rehabs and with detoxes and with that whole world that tends to

cycle people.

You know what I'm saying?

That sort of the business model is to rely on relapse.

And I'm going to get yelled at for saying that, but there's that's it's really true, you And then they

can probably happen insidiously where it starts out one way, but then things can become a business.

Yeah, and then you want to return customer sometimes.

And I mean,

I'm asking, I'm not telling because I don't know.

Yes.

Yes.

That is accurate.

Okay.

Well, the lawsuit's on you then.

Yeah, that's fine.

It's fine.

Once again, in added to the stack.

There's actually seven stacks behind you of lawsuits.

But I could relate to a lot of that and just being at the mercy of people all the time and just giving away, giving up your power and giving up your agency and giving up just

the light that makes you special, you know, and it just, that just being dimmed, you know.

Plus, I never did the freaking drug that he,

you know, was it

ketamine, yeah.

Yeah.

The other thing that I'm, I'm grateful that, you know, I was never involved.

My heaviest drug use

never included fentanyl.

Yeah.

So that was never.

There's a good chance you wouldn't be here.

Exactly.

Exactly.

Yeah.

My ex-wife Brooke was engaged to a guy who had a nice business, you know, former athlete, young dude, good looking, but couldn't stop getting loaded and wound up in rehab again and scored dope, some cocaine in rehab and went into the bathroom and did a couple of big lines and died on his way to the floor.

So it's like, and that was fentanyl.

Yeah.

You know, and I just think about, my gosh, how many situations was I in where

we couldn't like order the fentanyl test strips on Amazon back then, right?

I mean, it was just like you can now, you're saying?

Well,

yeah, yeah, you can, right?

Yeah, right.

I thought you might order fentanyl on Amazon.

Oh, no, the test strips.

Oh, Danny, for a second, I was like, well, hold on.

Yeah.

My phone's right here.

We're wrapping early.

Yeah, I misheard you.

But

it's not like today when you can just get fentanyl on Amazon.

There's another lawsuit, but not me again, you.

Yeah, you talk about, there was a great quote where you said that you and Matthew Perry,

I had a friend of yours that described you guys as veterans of the unspeakable.

Yeah.

And that's a Downey quote.

Is it Jim Downey?

No, Robert Downey Jr.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's a Downey quote.

Most people say Downey quote, and I I go to Jim Downey.

That's awesome comedy writer.

That's awesome.

And you go to that other Downey who no one knows.

Is that him?

Maybe one day.

Maybe there's another really funny, very funny, verbally

dexterous guy, brilliant actor.

No.

And a lovely man.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But I gave him a new nickname in my book.

I call him Bobby DJ.

Oh,

that's pretty good, right?

I like Bobby DJ.

Rolls right off the tongue, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, Bobby DJ.

Well,

I don't have one of those.

I have a, I'm not going to say guilty pleasure because usually when you say, oh, I, I, I watch these comedies on reruns, but I'm, I'm friendly with one of your directors on Two and a Half Men, Jamie Widows.

Oh, okay.

Who's

a lovely guy?

One of the great people ever.

Yes.

Yeah.

He's a lovely guy.

He's hilariously funny.

A lot of you will know him.

Like, wait a minute, how do I know that?

You know, great.

TV director, but Animal House.

Yeah.

He's in Animal House.

He's Hoover, I believe.

Oh.

In Animal House.

Now, hold on a second, Dean.

You know, you sit down, you know, that smart guy.

And he tells great stories

from that set.

He has great stories about Belushi.

He has great stories.

I mean, I got to get him on here to tell those great stories.

But his price is high.

So wait, anyway, he talks about.

You should be getting paid hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Interesting.

Wow.

They skipped that part.

Yeah.

No, no.

Skipped it.

I'll be paid.

Two and a half men.

Anytime that show is on i'll watch it seriously yeah because your character in that is funny in a way because i'm such a comedy nerd i'm like this is a little different i'm trying to think of who else has been funny in this way it feels very original to me to be playing that rhythm uh on a sitcom it just felt unique to me you feel like there's some precedence for it well yeah i was i was i was borrowing um or honoring uh parts of it uh from ted danson right yeah From cheers.

Yeah.

But it's darker.

It is darker.

Sanders.

It had to be somewhat likable.

Of course.

That didn't seem to trouble your character at all, being likable.

You still like your character.

Right, right, right.

You're not afraid to say the most horrendous things.

Right.

Because

I had confidence that whatever

that my character would wind up doing, that

he would ultimately always be forgiven.

I've watched the blocking on that show.

I think you burn burn four calories an episode.

You're always very comfortably dressed.

Right.

And you're always usually sitting one leg crossed over the other with a beer.

And then

other people can have complete meltdowns or John can have a complete meltdown.

You're watching, you've got some great jokes.

Sure.

Then cut to you in bed with an incredibly different, beautiful woman every week.

And you're like,

wait a minute, did you win some kind of contest?

Must have.

Must have.

Yes.

Yeah.

No,

that's an aspect to it that nobody complained about.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The actors or the audience.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And interestingly enough,

I was either married or in some relationship.

No, it was only two relationships during the entirety of two and a half.

It was either with Denise, married, and then that went bad, and then Brooke married, and then that went bad.

So anybody you see me dating on the show was just on the show,

which kind of sucked.

I love that you're acting like, I know it's hard to believe, but I didn't actually sleep with that woman in that scene.

That's usually the case.

Yeah.

This is going to be hard for you to believe, but I've interviewed thousands and thousands of women over 30 years of television.

And guess what?

I didn't sleep with any of them.

Seriously?

Wow.

How is that possible?

Thanks, pal.

Thanks.

Okay, B, Arthur.

Sorry.

Wow.

Wow.

You brought B into it.

I had to.

Wow.

I had to.

You mentioned that you watch it whenever it's on.

Right.

Do you know who else does?

My parents.

My parents will stop what they're doing.

And if they finish dinner or they're about, then two and a half is on, they'll just sit down.

That's fair.

And then they'll just take it in.

And then I'll show up at the house the next day, right?

And they'll be like, hey, we watched this episode where so-and-so does this.

And then the kid did that.

And then, so what, why did John do that other thing?

And I'm like, mom,

I I can't answer that question.

I don't remember the episode.

You know what I'm saying?

They want specific details.

Oh, I know.

You know what I'm saying?

And

I'm like, okay, give me a little bit of backstory.

And all the backstories are identical.

You know what I'm saying?

It's the week you threw John out of the house.

I'm like,

I'm like, I need more.

I need more, mom.

You need more.

You're slightly

unpleasant.

You're skeptical that something John's trying to do is going to work out.

Right.

And you're drunk in the scene.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You immediately throw one woman over for another.

What happened in that episode?

I really like watching you and John cry or

scenes together.

There's a really nice, real chemistry there.

Thank you.

And I know I was happy.

Because I'm friendly with John and I know that you guys went through stuff and that could not have been easy for John.

Sure.

I was very happy that he participated.

I was too.

Because

it felt like

there was a bit of a, let's put that behind us, let's come together, which I thought was for the most part.

There was the most part.

Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah.

But you say for the most part, who's who he's?

Because there's a couple of moments in the dock where he's still kind of hacking on me a little bit, you know?

And then he's questioning if he should be in the dock because, you know, is it going to be another Sheen

experience that starts great and finishes in the toilet?

Right, right.

So, I proved him wrong this time.

Have you, though?

Because many people consider coming on this podcast to be a rock bottom.

And by the way, I went through all of your experiences, both in the book and the dock.

Right.

This is your rock bottom.

Okay.

Okay.

This beats you going to the trunk of your car for

MI 1533.

28, 33.

23, 23, what is it?

36, so whatever.

There was a different time.

When you watch 60s movies, that joke about women's measurements all the time that people did back then.

What is it?

She's 24, 30.

I forget how 36, 20, 36.

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

And you're like, what?

You watch it now and it's just a standard thing.

Like, she's 36, you know, 24, 36.

Wow.

You're like, you're listing her bust and hip measurements.

What?

I've never understood it.

Clearly.

There doesn't need to be math in that moment.

You're taking what should be a beautiful moment and

reducing it to

ratios.

The ratio of hip to breast is quite pleasing.

It's the golden mean the Greeks discussed.

Pythagorean theorem.

Your

Emilio is not in and your dad's not in.

Is that

do you,

I think you mentioned at one point you wish they were in the dock, but it they maybe felt like they don't want to speak to all of this.

I don't know.

They watched a rough cut of the first episode at my house with the director, Andrew Renzi.

Ramon was there.

Mom was there.

And

they loved it.

They were so entertained.

They were laughing.

They were just like, they were so engaged.

And then they both said,

you know, dad said, I'm already in this thing.

I'm already represented in this thing.

And I like the way I look in that better than today.

He says, he said, you don't want that.

It's an actor thing.

He said, you don't want the old version of me.

And I'm like, well, kind of.

And,

you know, that's the authentic moment right now.

And so, so he said, no, no, no, I can't.

And then Emilio, they both decided that, or came to a realization that they, it was my story.

And even though they're, they're, you know, part of my life, obviously the whole journey,

they didn't want to get in the way of my story.

They didn't want to,

in any way, put it through their own

filters or

in ways that might misrepresent some of the stuff, how it actually happened.

They didn't want to get in the way.

But of course, the press jumps on it and they're like, they're not in it.

What's the backstory?

What's the feud?

And there's like none.

Well,

your dad has a very special place in my heart because early on on when I was doing my show in 93, 94, and people were saying, what is this?

Who is this guy?

This comedy is aggressively strange.

We had a bit where it's very hard to explain, but it was stay-in-your-seat theater where we would...

It's already funny.

It's already funny.

Well, we would have, we needed someone with gravitas

who would...

I think it was a medical drama, and we needed an actor, a guest who would be the medical drama.

But what happened is we had other actors with green screen

sort of felt over their faces, moving to different positions.

And then when their line came up, we would take someone from the audience, literally a person who had been waiting in line outside Rockford Center 20 minutes ago.

Their face would suddenly be put on the actors' bodies.

They're just sitting in their seat.

Do you remember?

I don't know if anyone has seen this, but they would project it's early, early, aggressively weird stuff.

Your dad said he'd do it.

And so, I mean, we never thought Martin Sheen would do this.

And he'd be the superimposed face.

No, no, he, he was the actual guy.

He's Martin Sheen as the doctor.

And then he'd turn to another doctor and go, what's the diagnosis?

And we'd, there'd be just a, you know, a body there with the green sock on.

Right.

And then someone from the audience who's just sitting in their seat, who's from the Bronx, their face would be there doing a scene.

And they would just, we'd hold up a cue card and they'd say, three CCs of Palo Homa Samosone.

And your dad would go like, great.

And then one more thing, I'm in in love with you.

You know, and

your dad just went to the bathroom.

Did he commit to it?

The whole thing?

He didn't.

I mean, of course he did.

Wow.

He committed to it a thousand percent.

That's amazing.

And

he was lovely to me.

And we had a great conversation.

And I've always just had a, that is just a, I mean, who does that?

Especially with his stature, you know.

This new guy, something that's bound to fail.

Let's do it.

Sign me up.

Yeah, exactly.

So, well, I'm glad that you guys are, and you talk about this.

I didn't realize that Emilio was the first choice that Oliver Stone wanted for Platoon.

Interesting, right?

Yeah.

Interesting isn't the word.

I know, I know.

It's

bananas?

Let's go with interesting.

Let's not use a fruit.

But no, it, I mean, first of all, stuff between siblings and brothers especially, I think can be, and I shouldn't say that, sisters too, but stuff between brothers is extremely loaded.

Then you're both saying, let's do this acting thing.

You're, you know, Emilio's first having success.

Then there's this, what turns out to be a very important film, very important big director.

And Emilio is their first choice.

He's going to do it.

And then something happens, the project gets delayed.

And then they come around and they say, well, Charlie, Oliver, wants to see you for it now.

Yeah.

How heavy is that?

It's, man, it's a trip.

Emilio and I like never had that moment where we like sat down and processed it or even gave it the,

you know.

It never existed between us that we felt that we needed to, you know,

because it wasn't like that, that didn't work out for him.

And then he did nothing.

Yep.

You know,

he did a ton of cool shit and films that people are still talking about to this day, you know.

You know, I didn't mean to speak for him, but he told me that he didn't love the script.

He didn't love the script.

And then

if you ever have him on, there's a story with him and Tom Cruise like jogging on the beach.

That's already a great image, isn't it?

Yeah, slow motion, the whole thing.

And they're talking about the script of Platoon.

They're kind of comparing notes.

And Amelia's like, well, what about this thing?

What about when he, you know, and then when the bunny character pees in the in the dead VC's face and calls him this thing, you know, and like, what about all that?

And Tom's like, yeah, man, that's pretty gnarly.

And, and so it, I don't think.

How about we, us losing the Vietnam War?

That's part of

that part.

We should win it.

Yeah.

But so I don't, I don't think Emilio really felt like he missed out on a fantastic opportunity, which is interesting until he saw it and was like, oh, shit.

But I think he sees that

it just would have been a slightly different film with him than it was with me because that is, I think that is the only part that we've ever,

what's the cross swords on?

No, that's not right.

What is the thing?

It's the image in my head now.

I'm changing that.

It's the only role that ever

penis is touched.

Yes.

Yes.

I'm trying to help you.

Am I helping?

At the premiere.

So what the hell?

That's not in the dock, is it?

Jesus.

I wanted to save something good for this, you know?

Sorry, Melio.

Now I've done it.

Being diagnosed with leukemia, lymphoma, myeloma, or one of over 100 other types of blood cancer makes people want more time to do the things they love.

That means more time to be grandparents, movie buffs, artists, athletes, musicians, you name it.

Blood Cancer United, formerly known as the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, is the world's leading organization focused solely on blood cancer research, support, and advocacy.

It was founded in 1949, largest nonprofit funder of blood cancer research.

It's helped pioneer treatments for adults and children alike, as well as advancing policies to help enable access to care for all.

Very important work is being done by Blood Cancer United.

They do more for people with blood cancer so people with blood cancer can do more of whatever they want.

It's a very good cause.

Learn more and donate at bloodcancerunited.org.

This is an ad by BetterHelp.

World Mental Health Day is in October and BetterHelp is shining the spotlight on therapists.

people who truly make the world a better place because the right therapist can change everything.

So here's what BetterHelp does.

They do the initial matching work so you can focus on your therapy goals.

It's a short questionnaire and it helps identify your needs and preferences and their 12 plus years of experience and industry leading match fulfillment rate means they typically get it right the first time.

If you aren't happy for any reason, and this is crucial, if you get a match and it's not quite working for you, switch to a different therapist at any time from their tailored recs.

I take this stuff seriously and I think this is important.

This This World Mental Health Day, we are celebrating the therapists who've helped millions of people take a step forward.

If you're ready to find the right therapist for you, BetterHelp can help you start that journey.

Our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash Conan.

That's better, H-E-L-P dot com slash Conan.

Well, this is another story that's fascinating.

You give a verbal commitment or you sign a contract to do Grizzly 2 Revenge.

Right.

It was originally called Grizzly 2 the Predator.

Just for anybody, any cinephiles out there that think I'm violating

the true spirit of the Grizzly franchise.

Well, I'm just going to tell you.

I'm besmirching the great Matt Gorley.

He saw Grizzly 2 Revenge in the theater 75 times.

I'll thank you to respect the sanctity of my favorite film series,

regardless of whether you were in it.

I'm out of here.

I move to dismiss.

Yeah.

Emotions denied.

But you know, you, this is the crazy story.

So you've said, yes, I'll do Grizzly 2 Revenge, which, by the way,

also stars George Clooney and

Laura Dern.

So a lot of great talent came out of Grizzly 2.

And the Bear has gone on to

now the, yeah,

he's got that whole, that whole honey company.

That's stupid.

That was stupid.

He's the Paul Newman.

I love it.

That was a huge thing.

He's the Paul Newman of honey.

Yeah.

All profits go to me.

But you know, you say you're going to do that.

And then you get this call that they want you to be the star of the karate kid.

That happened.

Yes.

And take it.

So

I think it was on a Friday, and

I went and I auditioned with

Abeltson, correct?

We have a research team here.

Yeah.

With John Abelson.

Yeah.

And

I thought the

audition was a disaster.

Right.

And it was the scene where he wakes up from the beating of the bullies, right?

And he wakes up to his, to this, you know, this mystical sensei, right?

And so to Pat Merida.

Yeah.

And then

the dialogue was kind of stilted and didn't really have any kind of flow

like it did in that scene, but it's not supposed to.

That's kind of their first encounter, isn't it?

Yes, yeah.

Yeah.

So this should be a little tentative.

Exactly.

Yeah.

And I thought I tanked it.

And I, on the drive home, I was like, all right, let's just park that and just do better next time, you know, and I get to Glennis Liberty's apartment in Santa Monica.

She's my very first agent, right?

Who actually got her agent's license because I decided that like I was going to become an actor.

Wow.

You know, she was a friend of my mom's, but she worked for Pollock and Redford and, you know, she knew her way around.

And so um we we would usually have like a chalk talk at the end of the day of auditions and stuff like that and and she was on the street like looking for me and I thought somebody had died and I pull up and she like runs right up to me and and and she's like crying and and babbling and just so excited I couldn't believe it and I'm like slow down slow down slow down what's going on and she said they they they they need you in in karate training on Monday you got the party well I'm like well hold on today is Friday so and she's like yes,

you're going to be the karate kid.

It's like the biggest film in town.

Right.

And I'm like,

okay,

but I have to,

I got the thing with the bear.

I got the predator thing.

And where is that shooting?

That shooting in Budapest?

Budapest.

Yeah.

And not like when it's cool to be in Budapest, you know?

And so

she said, well, I'm sure there's, you know, I'm sure there's a way to get you out of that.

And, and, and, you know, what should I tell them?

And I said, I just tell them that maybe if we could just have the weekend, you know.

So I took the weekend and went to dad and I said, hey, I got this amazing opportunity, like a career-making move, this giant movie that I think is,

you know, it's got hit written all over it.

You know, it's a game changer.

And he says, and I said, so help me out.

Give me like a cool way to get out of the grizzly thing.

And he didn't even, he didn't even offer anything

in that regard.

He just said, well, so you gave them your word, right?

And I'm like, the grizzly people.

Yeah.

I'm like, well, yeah, but it's the thing with the bear in budapest it's it's totally forgettable anyone can get eaten by a bear dad right

and uh he's like he's like

i i've narrowly beat out a side of ham

exactly

and he said it's not about that it's not about that it's about that

you know um one big film um is in this business is not going to carry you as far as you know being known as a as a man of their word.

So I had to sell that to Glennis, you know, and she was like, Yeah, have you lost your mind?

And then after a while, she agreed with Pop.

And so

how was it when Karate Kid comes out and it's huge?

Was that must have stung a little bit?

A lot of it.

Did you go and see it?

A lot of it.

Did you go and see it in the theater with the bear?

I picture both of you.

Oh, you fucked up.

It's just not a a big paw.

You're taking more than your share.

You're splitting up.

They offered me the part of Miyagi.

The bear could have been Miyagi.

This is great.

The bear was supposed to be Miyagi.

You were supposed to be Ralph Macchio.

The whole thing's fucked.

Oh, my God.

But he went with, oh, everyone just sees me as the thing that chases people and eats me because I'm a bear.

But anyway.

I saw it in the movie theater, like on a Friday night.

And it was interesting.

It was,

it a

strange mashup of

intense jealousy, right?

And missed opportunity, all that stuff.

But add to that relief.

There was a relief.

And I don't know how to explain what that was about.

I think Ralph was so freaking good in that movie, right?

Yep.

That I was looking at ways like,

how would I have done that differently?

How would I have done that at all?

And I was kind of like, okay, I think I kind of dodged a bullet here.

I don't think they would have filmed the whole movie with me.

I think they would have been like, okay, cool.

No, you gave it a hell of an effort, kid.

But, you know,

but also

I've had that experience at my age now where I can look back, the things that I missed out on that I was convinced were essential to me moving ahead that devastated me at the time.

Sure.

Now I see them and I go, well, they don't fit this arc that I have at all.

Interesting.

They just don't.

Interesting.

Yeah.

And

you could not if I got in a time machine.

On my way here today, there was some street work.

So I had to pass my old apartment on Cochran.

I had a $380 month apartment.

1986.

I lived on the first floor way in the back.

I looked out on an alley and I passed that apartment.

I always slow down if I'm in that neighborhood and look at that apartment.

Wow.

Because it's going to sound weird, but I almost feel like there's a ghost of me from 1985 that I used to sit on the steps of those apartment, of that apartment complex and think like, how am I going to make this thing work?

I don't know.

And so every now and then I'm like, I'm on my way to go talk to Charlie Sheen and I've had a pretty good run, but I'll stop and sort of honor that moment at that apartment at that time.

If I could talk to that guy now and say, trust me, the gig that you, where it's between you and another guy to go work, be a writer, performer for Letterman, and you didn't get it.

And they only hire like one person every three years and that you're not going to be on that boat i still think that kid would have said you're out of your mind that was my chance and it's over i'm not going to make it right and i've had like nine of those you know and but you but then you look at it later on and you go no you weren't supposed to do karate kid wasn't supposed to happen no no and and um because that traject that choice changes other choices so then you're not going to get platoon you're not going to get exactly you're not going to get wall street you're not going to get none None of those things happen if you do.

Probably not.

Probably not.

And

following that amazing in-theater experience with

the Karate Kid as we know it,

I didn't work for like eight months after that.

And then I started writing stories about, okay, gosh, maybe they've, maybe they've tried to blackball me because I said no to their big, you know, their big event franchise film, you know?

Yeah, it, it, it just, so that sort of compounded the, the, the,

you know, the funk that that that left me in, you know.

And you did contemplate, like, I could be a cinematographer, I could be an AD, like I could get into this business in another way if this doesn't work out.

Sure.

That was more really

because I had done all of those jobs in our Super 8 world.

You know, I'm not saying I did them well, but I had enough knowledge about, you know, what happened on both sides of the camera, you know?

And that was sort of the pitch to my parents at the at the breakfast table that first morning of summer after you know being kicked out of high school

i i kind of sold them on this thing and it's in the book um i don't know if it's in the dog but i said look um i'm gonna give the acting thing a shot you know i'm just gonna spend this first summer of freedom just auditioning and just see where that takes me if that doesn't work out then

they give the kind of the not a big lie but the medium-sized lie lie that I told them was that

I'll go to film school and I'll learn how to, you know, I'll be an editor or director or cinematographer.

And, you know, and so I just wanted them to feel like

there was a backup plan that

wasn't the same one that

dad had struggled with for so long in his early years.

And they bought it.

They bought it.

You know, they thought, okay,

yeah.

He wants to be a botanist.

Did.

Oh, you also, and you talk about this, you had to sell your dad on changing your name.

Yeah.

Which is a moment.

It was a moment.

Yeah.

And I just,

you know, your original name.

Carlos Estevez.

Right.

But Carlos had already been Charlie from in throughout childhood

because we've had an uncle Carlos, dad's brother.

And so some of them would yell, hey, Carlos, and we'd both like come in the room.

And that, you know, we had to put a stop to that, right?

Yeah.

There's only room for one Carlos.

Yeah.

And seniority rules in that moment.

So I became Charlie and then I was Estevez all the way through high school.

And then when I made the change or when I decided to

give this thing a shot, I sat with him and I said, I really want to use Sheen.

It's got a bit of ring to it.

You know, Emilio's already using Estevez.

And that way

you've got both bookends of your heritage

represented out in the world.

You're You're a good salesman.

Thank you.

You are so good.

I'm in the wrong business.

Well, you and I should start an advertising agency.

I would love to.

I would love to.

Yeah.

I just, I just, yeah.

And I meant you say to your dad, like, I can see it in lights, Pop.

Right.

Exactly.

Charlie Sheen.

You weren't wrong, you know, but.

I mean,

I just, it was, plus it was easier to say.

Yeah.

You know, what's your name?

I'm Charlie Sheen.

Even though when I walked in here, it stumped me.

Yeah.

And that's like on camera.

That's going to be on like YouTube.

Yeah, I know.

I know.

You're screwed.

You're screwed.

All right.

My name is.

Well,

I don't want to take all your time.

I'm going to say this.

First of all, you said you wanted to hand me something.

Yes, yes.

But I don't know if you still do.

Maybe you changed your mind.

I know.

I absolutely did not change my mind.

You and I had a banter that I think ran over the course of a couple years.

And it was during Spin City.

Remember, I was on the zone diet and I was like super thin and like eating nothing.

Right.

But I had this thing on Friday nights that was a treat to myself that was called the McFlurry.

Do you remember this?

Yes.

And we had great runs about we had, yes, the McFlurry was important to us.

Yes.

And then you said, you would always say, well, has McDonald's reached out and like offered you free food for life or anything great like that?

I'm like, no.

Unbelievable.

Yeah.

And then you would make jokes like,

well, why are you out here talking about McFlurry?

Why aren't you saying

names like Portia and

Ed's Diamond Store?

And remember all that stuff.

Yes, Yes, yes.

So shortly after that, this shows up in the mail.

Like, no joke.

The guy from Arby's,

the guy from Arby's.

Bill Arby?

You know?

Very soon.

He sent me that.

Oh, my God.

And Arby's free food for life card.

Yes.

I don't know if we can cush in on that or, you know, yes, this is, and it's signed on the back.

Yeah.

I've been carrying that around for like 20 years.

I love that you have this.

And also, and you're the reason I have it.

You're welcome.

You're welcome.

And can I say one other thing?

This,

I want to know, would you go to Arby's and order everything?

And then when they go, wow, so cool to meet you, oh, and by the way, I'm not paying.

And you're driving like the nicest car in the world.

Here's the good news.

I've never used it.

I've never used it.

No one's nice to Arby's, but you know,

I love Arby's.

I think Arby's, it hasn't changed in years.

And that's a good thing.

They do have the meats.

But

I just,

I imagined there'd be a line behind me and just what you said, and the guy brings all the stuff.

And I'm like, well, I got this thing.

And then he's like, okay, well, there's some paperwork.

Yes.

Right?

Yes.

And then I'm like filling stuff out.

People are recognizing TMZ shooting it.

And they're like,

and then he's like,

so that's two shakes,

three roast beef.

Like in bananas.

Yeah.

Like in bananas.

Exactly.

Who had the.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I've never used it, but I saved it.

And I don't know.

I just had it all these years.

Just hang on to it.

It survived the car.

You know where that needs to go?

The trunk of your car.

There it is, right next to

the BPX 45.

Something you need to see.

A gun?

No.

You can take the honest road to free armies or the dishonest road to freeze.

We can take it.

I'll plug it in two ways.

I rob you of these corned beef sandwiches or I get them for free.

Either way.

Either way, I'm leaving here with the meats.

Charlie Sheehan, this is what I'll say.

This is one of my favorite sessions.

I mean, it's up there in the Pantheon.

You always, since I first met you, a delight to talk to a really funny person.

Thank you.

Likewise.

You have been very honest about your struggles and the craziness.

And, you know, I went downstairs and you got here and I just, I told you, we hugged and I said, I'm really glad you're still here.

Wow.

Thank you.

Because

we lose all these people.

We lose these beautiful people.

We lose these really funny, wonderful, and people.

We lose so many people.

Sure.

And I'm just very grateful.

that you're just still with us.

Thank you.

And

go with God.

What the hell was that?

You're very religious today.

It was powerful.

We'll change it.

Go with Satan.

Satan.

There you go.

Go with Satan.

I already went with Satan.

Satan's like, enough with him.

He moved in and wouldn't leave.

Go with Arby.

Go with Arby.

Yeah.

Charlie, seriously, thank you so much for being here.

Thank you.

This was great.

It's an honor.

Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ovesian, and Matt Gorley.

Produced by me, Matt Gorley.

Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Frost, and Nick Liao.

Theme song by The White Stripes.

Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

Take it away, Jimmy.

Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

Engineering and Mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns.

Additional production support by Mars Melnick.

Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn.

You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.

Got a question for Conan?

Call the Team Cocoa Hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message.

It too could be featured on a future episode.

You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at seriousxm.com/slash Conan.

And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

Hey, I'm Paul Scheer.

I'm June Diane Rayfield.

And I'm Jason Manzoukas.

And we're the hosts of How Did This Get Made, a comedy podcast where we deconstruct, make fun of, and celebrate the best, worst movies ever made.

Have you ever seen a movie that's so bad that it's actually good?

That's what we're talking about.

From blockbuster franchises and made-for-TV romances.

To bonkers, 80s, action flicks, and obscure sci-fi musicals, we cover it all.

You can find How Did This Get Made wherever you get your podcasts.

And don't forget to follow the show so you never miss an episode, idiot.

If you're looking for new ways to get ahead, then you're our kind of person.

We're Udemy, and we help learners like you upskill in AI, productivity, leadership and management, and more.

Learn at your own pace from real-world experts.

You can also prep for certifications that show employers what you know.

Upskill for the career you want at udemy.com.

Now, back to your regularly scheduled listening.