Bill Burr Live From The Fonda Theater In Hollywood

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Fallers here,

hear the yell.

Back to school, ring the bell.

Brand new shoes, walking blues.

Climb the fence, books and pens.

I can tell that we are gonna be friends.

I can tell that we are gonna be friends.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Conan O'Brien.

Hey!

How are you?

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

What lovely looking people.

Please have a seat.

Everybody have a seat.

Come on.

You just wasted a standing ovation.

Thanks for being here.

We're very excited to be doing...

Conor Brian needs a friend to hear at the beautiful Fonda Theater.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I had never played this theater before.

This is my first.

Who's been here before?

Have you been here, Fonda?

Is it mostly music here or is there comedy as well?

Mostly music.

Okay, so so this is terrible what we're doing.

Okay.

No, I asked a friend of mine who knows all the theaters.

I said, where is the Fonda Theater?

And he said, it's kind of at the end of Hollywood Boulevard where all the stars from the Hollywood Walk of Fame kind of peter out.

And I thought, that is perfect for us.

There's hardly any stars left when you come down here, but the ones there are like for associate producers.

Bill Mechanik,

Staz Bulroni.

Four years ago, I wrapped up the late night show.

I did 28 years, and I loved it.

I loved every second of it, but I thought, I've done this, I've done everything I think I can do with this.

It's a great format, but I'm tired of it.

It's time to go before someone asked me to go.

I turned out to be very wise.

I'll just go now.

Leave the party before you're tossed out.

And so I did that.

And I started saying, I love this podcast thing.

It's so informal.

I'm just in a little room.

I'm with Matt.

I'm with Sona.

We're goofing around.

There's no makeup.

There's no falderall and pageantry.

I love this.

This is great.

And then we start doing the podcast, and it grows, and it grows.

And people like you are listening to it.

It's very exciting.

It's growing.

And people say, you know.

Sheriff Ross is like, you know, we should do it.

We should get some bigger and bigger advertisers.

People really want to buy in.

We buy in, okay?

Then they say, you know what, we should do?

We should get it on camera.

I say, okay, let's get it on camera.

And then a little more time goes by and people are like, you know what you should do?

You should get multiple cameras on it.

Okay, you know what you should do?

You should do it live in front of a theater.

Get a lot of people here.

You know what you should do?

You know what you should do.

You know what you should do.

If you're going to have cameras and you'd be in front of a theater, you need makeup.

You know what you should do if you're going to be in front of people and you're wearing makeup and you've got a whole bunch of people in a theater and you got cameras, you should get a band.

I am right back where I started.

Welcome to Late Night with Conan O'Brien.

This was not the plan.

This is not what I wanted.

You did this.

You're all to blame.

We have a wonderful show tonight.

I do want to I just mentioned the band and I want to give them a shout out because my good friend of 32 years this man Auditioned for the original band.

He put it all together.

He's a genius.

Jimmy Vavino

My good man he was also there on that first show September 13th 1993 Seth Healy

Then we get to the scum that came late to the party

They waited till they saw it was this this guy right right here, Andy Sensesti, said, I'm going to wait 32 years to make sure it really works out.

Andy Sancesi on drums.

Terrific.

And Jennifer J.

Joe Oberly on bass.

My first major crush.

Bass player with that color hair just knocked me out.

Thank you so much for being here.

I love this place already.

You're an incredible crowd.

Very excited.

And I want to start the show by bringing out two people who are essential to the goings-on.

I love them.

I also/slash/loathe them.

No, we're family.

We get along like family, and I adore them.

And I wouldn't have a podcast without them.

Let's bring them out right now: Sona Movsesian, and Matt Gorley.

Love us and loathe us.

So, first of all,

what's up, HH?

No one ever calls it HH.

He gave a shout out for Hacienda Heights.

Yes.

Tell us about Hacienda Heights.

Hacienda Heights is a town in Earl A.

County.

We are listened to all across the world and people need to be informed.

Yes.

It's a kind of place where you would never go unless you had to go there.

The fanciest restaurant I think was the Claim Jumper when I was growing up there.

And the mall, here's what it is.

I'm sorry, can I say one thing?

This guy shouted at with great enthusiasm, Hocie and the Heights.

And you proceeded to say it's the kind of place you go that you don't really want to go to and will never go to again.

Well, here's the two things about Hacienda Heights you guys need to know: one, Fergie went to my high school.

The Duchess Fergie?

Yeah, that Fergie.

And then the second one one is the Point A Hills Mall is where they shot the, where the Back to the Future, where the DeLorean goes back and forth from the past.

The third thing you need to know is I grew up in Whittier, which is next door to Hacienda Heights, and we never went there.

You lived next door to Hacienda Heights, and you never went there.

We never went.

You know what I love about this conversation?

It's pleasing next to no one.

That guy's pleasing.

This guy's over the moon.

He's going to go back to Hacienda Heights tonight and go, I talked about us.

and they picked it up and talked for 40 minutes about hacienda heights

um how are you guys everything good yeah yeah yeah that's terrific i mean we're

i just talked about how you bring so much to the podcast

and i got him going i had some good stuff and then i threw to you guys and i get yeah

Did you?

You know, I'm not going to lie.

I think I listened to like nothing you said when we were back there because Matt and I were just chatting.

Yeah.

And then at one point everybody started clapping.

I was like, Oh shit, were we supposed to go out there?

And luckily, there's people paying attention.

Incredible, incredible story.

Um,

dying here where the stars just ebb out on Hollywood Boulevard.

Are there even stars on the ground outside the theater here?

I saw some, I saw a star, and someone had written on it.

So we could just go to the star.

This is the part of Hollywood Boulevard where you can write in your own name.

Yeah, this is also not the Henry Fonda Theater, it's the Bruce Fonda Theater.

Peter.

He was a sound editor.

Yeah.

You guys are probably curious about my life lately.

Actually, no.

It's such a simple thing.

Backstage, I told them, why don't you ask me about what I'm up to?

And they can't even do that.

No.

Well, I was just noticing how this audience is bathed in this beautiful blue light.

You guys look amazing.

Look at this.

Wow.

You know what I noticed?

There's a bar.

And this is, and I don't know if this is a sign that things are going well in my career or poorly, but there's a bar in the theater that we are performing in right now.

I say that as a positive.

I think so, too.

I think we should take advantage of it, to be honest.

Can we?

Can we?

Yeah, there's a bar right back there.

Are we able to get any?

I know the audience is...

The audience is not getting drinks because we're told you're all terrible alcoholics.

Would you guys like anything?

Would you like anything, Sona?

Would you like anything, Matt?

The answer is always yes.

Yeah, me too.

Same.

I'm on the wagon because I'm driving this bus tonight, but what do you guys want?

I, uh, okay.

Well, my, my,

my,

my, uh,

what distracted you?

I don't know.

There's nothing happening.

Have you ever heard of it?

You went, I.

I short-circuited.

I mean, at least a cat or a puppy's looking at a fly.

You glitched.

You had nothing.

Listen, my usual drink is a dirty martini.

Extra olives.

And if they have the cheese olives, those are my favorite olives.

If not, I'll take the garlic olives.

If not, those olives, then I'll just take regular olives.

But that, and then,

but I figure if I only get one drink, I should like really maybe go for it.

So, should I, I mean, I haven't had one of these in a long time, but should I just do like a Long Island iced tea?

Whoa.

I meant like, do you want a beer or not?

What about you?

I want something special.

Okay.

Can you do a paper plane?

Oh, it's not even special.

Don't hurry yourself.

Don't hurry yourself.

I'll get these.

You guys settle down.

Hi.

I'll high five you.

Yeah.

I'll high five.

I didn't know you were coming.

I'll high five you.

I'll high five you.

I'll high five you.

I'm sorry, sir.

I missed the high five.

This guy held his hand up for a high five and dropped it before I got to him.

That is the most humiliating.

Even you didn't have the energy for a whole full high-five.

Yes.

Oh, the bar is back this way.

Okay.

Hello.

Where do I do?

Where do I go?

Okay, this is great.

You're actually making these drinks.

You are very good.

What is your name?

This is Chris.

Chris, it's so nice to meet you.

How are you?

Thank you.

Nice to have you again.

I think it's wise to drink because I am the host, and then I'm taking all of these drinks back up.

This guy was good.

Okay.

Oh, I want a vodka.

I'm good.

Hi, how are you?

I can't high five you now.

Is that a vod?

I'm going to try to high-five her.

Hold on.

Can you hold my mic, please?

Yes!

We did it.

Impressive.

You're an asshole, man.

The last thing I'll see before I go to sleep is that guy's hand dropping as I approach him.

Here are your drinks, guys.

Okay, now I have to gracefully get back on.

Oh, it's a good thing I work out so much.

But you knew that because of the shape of my body.

Cheers.

What's that?

Cheers, friend.

Nice.

Thank you.

Cheers.

Thanks, everybody.

Okay, well, now we're Bill Maher's podcast.

In all the best ways.

Now it's going to get interesting.

Yeah, no, it won't.

You'll just get kind of sloppy as always.

That's true.

It doesn't get more interesting.

You were distracted before by nothing, and now you're drinking.

This is the arc we are on on at the moment.

I just got back from New York.

Oh.

Okay.

Yeah, and you're not asking me, so I'm just going to plow ahead.

Okay.

Hey, what have you been up to?

Thanks a lot for doing that one thing.

Did you just get back from anywhere?

Did you fly?

You guys suck.

Cheers.

I say that with love.

I just brought you drinks and you won't even do the one thing you're supposed to do.

Yeah, I was in New York.

Thanks for asking.

And people in the crowd are shouting it out because you won't do your job.

I was in New York because I'm in a movie.

I'm in a movie, and I was

doing something I've never done before, which is promote a movie.

And it's weird because I realized that it's a completely different animal than anything I've done in my entire career.

Did you have to do red carpet interviews and things like that?

I did some red carpet interviews where people actually asked me, what are you wearing?

Yeah.

I proudly said pants.

No, they say, who are you wearing?

And I honestly don't know.

I just just say Sears every time.

But they, but the one thing I had to do, which was so strange, is there's a screening.

You go to these, like, Lincoln, there's New York Film Festival, and there's a big screening.

And you go and you get ready, and there's a whole crowd there at Lincoln Center, and everyone's excited.

And you say, okay, and here's the movie.

And then everybody walks out at a bunch of these screenings.

They do this.

The cast walks out and they go and they sit down and have dinner while people watch the movie.

That is the opposite of everything I've been trained to do.

So my heart was getting, you know, racing more and more as I got close.

I was stretching.

I got ready because I and the same mentality of I'm going to go out there and do a show for close to two hours.

Then I remember we shot this two years ago

and I don't do anything now.

And so I just walk out and people are just eating their chicken going, mmm, good chicken.

And I'm just, I'm obsessed with what's happening with the crowd.

Do I need to run out there and go, come on, what do we think?

You know, and give them a boost again?

Do I need to rush out there?

I mean, I have all the wrong instincts.

I should never be in film.

It's a terrible mistake.

No, but you know, I saw your movie, and we should say the name of it.

It's If I Had Legs, I'd Kick You.

And it's with Rose Byrne.

Are you complaining about having dinner with Rose Byrne?

She wouldn't sit with me.

Oh, no.

That's in Rose Byrne's contract.

Do they?

She's lovely, and she loves everyone.

She's kind to everyone, but she will not sit with me.

Do they be afraid of me?

Well, she's probably sitting with someone really important, and then I saw she was sitting next to a CPR dummy.

She thought it was you.

She thought it was me.

Yeah.

I love everybody having dinner, and then you're at a table by yourself.

Yeah.

That's kind of what happened.

Well, that's sad.

Are you okay watching yourself in a movie and acting?

How does it feel?

I shouted out, he's hot.

Did you disguise your voice?

I didn't.

I forgot to.

And then I shouted out, not Conan speaking.

That fooled nobody.

Oh, man.

I was okay with it.

I just, it's so clear that this is not something that's in my, so much in my world.

Don't say that.

I saw it.

And I thought you were great.

The movie is amazing.

The movie's amazing.

It's really great.

It is.

I'm very proud to be in the movie.

I think the movie is amazing.

Mary Bronstein did this incredible job.

She wrote it.

She directed it.

She's a badass.

Rose Byrne, I think, is one of the best actors working anywhere in the world today.

I thought she gave the performance of a lifetime, and I'm okay with what I did.

I think it was fine, and I'm very excited for the movie.

It was very good.

Thank you for saying that.

It was very, very good.

You were fishing.

And I just caught one.

Okay.

Oh, dad.

Hey, Sona, I heard you got a new car.

Yeah.

You know, David usually gives me a ride to work, but I'd love it if you.

No, no, no.

You're not.

I'm sorry.

You're not allowed in my new car.

My Palisade is my oasis.

It's my happy place.

So you're not allowed in.

Wait a minute.

What are you talking about?

I made you.

When I found you, you were wandering the streets with a bucket on your head.

What?

And now you're Sonoma Obsession and you're driving around the Palisade.

You won't give me a ride.

This is why I don't let you in my happy place.

Because you talk about me walking around with a bucket on my head.

Why would I let you into my personal oasis if this is the way you're going to talk?

You have to earn your spot.

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I think we should move on.

It's a big event.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We have a special surprise guest here.

We're going to dim the lights and have a little bit of an introduction.

And here we go.

Let's do it.

Yay!

Do I do it now?

Hi, I'm Bill Burr.

And

I feel wonderful about being Conan O'Brien's friend.

Bill Burr, ladies and gentlemen.

Hey, how are you?

How's it going?

It's going okay for me.

How's it going with you?

Oh, it's been a great week.

It's been fucking fantastic.

Yeah.

Jesus Christ.

You've been in the news?

Yeah.

I think the general consensus is how dare you go to that place and make those oppressed people laugh, you fucking piece of shit.

I can't believe you went to that place I can't find on a map and and this bot said I was upset about it so now I am

now let's paint a picture here it's one thing to wear clothes made in by sweatshop labor it's quite another to go to the factory and make them laugh

I can't believe how much anger I had about this issue after it went viral.

So you're here to apologize.

No,

not at all.

It was one of the most amazing experiences I've had as a comedian.

It was incredible.

And what was the best part is my whole life is I've been paranoid about the news.

Like I watch the news and it always goes like, this doesn't feel, it feels like they're, you know, they're moving stuff around, they're shifting it.

So to actually kind of be in the middle of one of those stories and actually confirm it.

and watching them lying their ass off saying there was no women there which was a lie it was just great to be at home like i'm like i can say i knew it i knew they were lying all right

it's not all right it's not like anyone's uncle that they do that you sound like anyone's uncle yelling at the tv

but in the best way let me lay this out let's lay it out for anyone who isn't initially lay it out man let's lay it out man we got eight track tape here

why did you turn into some a and r guy from the 1960s well i just want to lay it out i never like to assume everybody's on the same page you know we'll do a bump on the comments you went to riyad There's a comedy festival they had in Riyadh, and you went with a bunch of other people, yes, a bunch of comedians.

Yes, we went there, and I was scared shitless.

Were you scared before you went?

100%.

Because I had the same idea that part of the world as everybody else.

I thought I was going to go there.

There was going to be a bunch of people dressed like Yasser Arafat, shooting machine guns in the air, going, Beth to America!

There's one!

Cut his fucking head off!

So I land in Bahrain, and I'm going through customs, and the dude's standing standing there.

He goes, what are you doing over here?

I go, I'm a comedian.

We went to Bahrain first.

And I go, yeah,

I'm a comedian from America.

He goes, oh, yeah.

He goes, you think we're all over here waiting to cut your head off?

He literally said that.

And I had to be like,

no,

no, no, I didn't.

If I was more comfortable, I would have been.

And you thought I would be 600 pounds with camouflage crocs coming in here, waiting to eat a, I don't know what.

So we're going into Saudi Arabia.

Now we're flying over there.

And all I'm seeing is sand and like the highways.

It literally looks like the footage whenever they show up right before a military strike.

Yeah, I'm fucking nervous, right?

So we go there and everybody's like, cool, right?

Hey, how you doing?

Talking and just fucking normal, sort of, right?

And we were standing.

We was in the round.

First of all, the great thing about

the festival was...

The people that put it together, when they first said that they wanted a comedy festival over there, they said, okay, what is your restrictions with speech?

And they had this whole long list.

And the promoters were just like, all right, well, we can't, you guys aren't ready for stand-up comedy yet.

And to their credit, they said, all right, what are we going to do?

And they basically whittled it all the way down to you couldn't talk about any religion, theirs, yours, anybody else's, and you couldn't make fun of the Royals.

That was it.

And I know a lot of people are like, well, that's fucked up, man.

It's like, well, they just progressed the ball like 10 yards.

And it was amazing.

And we get there.

It's like in the round.

And I'm waiting to go on.

And everybody in the crowd is dressed like fucking Yasser Arafat, right?

And I'm sitting there going like, am I going to, and they go, just let you know the front row is diplomats.

And I'm like, well, what the fuck are they doing?

I already have dry mouth going, why did I say yes to this?

And then the Royals were like up in the box, but everybody else was like regular.

So I'm waiting to go on.

It was in the round.

It was like 8,000 people.

And I was like nervous and shit.

And right before I went on, this guy yells out, dressed in that whole dish dash thing.

He goes, hey, Bill Burr, I love you.

Kick ass, man.

And I was just like, what?

I can't believe this guy knows who I am.

And I went on stage.

And like, I just, I don't know, I just started doing my shit, and they were laughing.

And I was doing stuff about relationships, and they were laughing.

I said, you know, I kind of noticed the chicks over here, the hot ones, they wear the veil a little bit lower.

And that got a huge laugh.

So they're laughing.

They're laughing at it.

They are laughing.

And then I said, fuck it.

I'm going to do the joining a gay gym joke with the dudes sucking each other's dicks in the steam room.

So I get halfway through it, and the monitor goes out.

And I'm like, oh, fuck.

Am I going to get arrested?

And it ended up coming back on.

But like, I really have to.

Were they trying to edit you in that moment?

Or do you think it was just?

No, they didn't.

No, it was just, you know, I just, it just.

I love how you say the gay gym joke.

Like, you all know.

Oh, yeah.

No, what was so great about it was that it was the people there.

You could feel it.

Like, they needed it.

They wanted it.

And they wanted you to push.

And that's what the comics did.

And like, your job was to just, okay, we've gotten them to here.

Now you can move them to there.

And it's like, as much as people don't like what's going on over there, it's like they're not going to progress with isolation.

So if you go over there and you just sort of like move them a little bit towards us, you know, I don't know.

I feel like we're moving towards them in a lot of ways over here.

You know?

Yeah, I mean, Jesus Christ, we're fucking putting, grabbing moms and dads and sticking them in a van for making illegally made fucking tacos to go to go to Alligator Alcatraz.

Yeah, it's fucking insane.

It's insane.

And,

you know, someday they're going to be out of brown people to put in those vans.

They're still going to have the vans.

So you shouldn't be feeling comfortable about it thinking that you're not going to be in it.

Yeah, it's fucked up.

It's really fucked up.

So, and I will say this.

I do have to say this because one of the people that got the most amount of shit, and I'm not going to say any comedians' names, because of all of these sanctimonious cunts out there that are just, who don't really sincerely give a shit.

I don't know what it is.

Their parents didn't hug them.

It's bots.

I have no idea.

Like, they go after your wife.

It's like, she didn't open for me.

Like, I don't understand.

You're talking about online.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do you read that stuff?

Dude, I haven't been online for like a month.

I finally viewed the internet the way I viewed drinking towards the end, where I was just like, I don't want to be doing this, but I'm doing it every day.

And this doesn't feel good.

Right, right.

So, but what sucks is you can't be off the internet because people just keep texting you, hey, just checking in to see how you're doing.

And I'm like, kind of doing fine, man.

I'm sitting here eating a sandwich.

So,

no, but one of the comics over there, openly gay, went over there and just did her fucking act.

And she was in the middle of her act, and two of the diplomats got up and she said to him, What are you guys going to go get on Grinder?

Dude, 33 years of comedy, that's the biggest balls of anything I've ever seen.

Yeah, dude.

And her own fucking people were like, not all of them, but like hardcore psycho gays were going after her.

Fucking lunatics, man.

It was, it was, listen, what went up going on over there was a super positive thing.

If you actually give a fuck about those people and how they're living over there, there's going to have to be these types of things to kind of pull them in.

And I will tell you, the Cheesecake Factory in Riyadh, man, it's incredible.

It's right next to the Pizza Hut in the KFC.

And if you want a pair of Timberlands, it's across the street next to the Marriott Caddy Corner to the fucking Hilton.

But that's all fine.

That's all fine.

I love how there was no outrage too the week before.

The Canelo Alvarez fight.

The fucking head dude is sitting right there, but everybody wet their beak on that one, so nobody was upset.

And that's the thing about being a comedian, is you're an independent contractor.

There's no ad money tied to you, so everybody can just, you know, they release the bots so they can just keep it going.

Did you know

that?

Did you have an inkling before you went to Riyadh, did you or the other comedians have any sense that there'd be this kind of response when you got back?

No, I had no fucking idea.

Because, you know, what was funny?

One time I I did Abu Dhabi and somebody, one person texts me, oh, you're going over there to get that blood money, right?

And I go, hey, you know, just for the record, I'm also doing London, England on that tour, you know, which is arguably the bloodiest fucking money out there.

So there's like that element of racism to it where if brown people are doing it, it's fucked up.

If white people are doing it, whoo, whoa, whoa, who are you talking about?

You know, almost like sports.

So,

yeah, my team doesn't cheat.

Your fucking team cheats.

So, I mean, if we're going to do the blood money game, I think the only places, countries I've ever played in that is clean money was New Zealand and I think Iceland.

But then Iceland is weird, where over there they have an app, a dating app, that doesn't say, you know, if you're related, it's how, because they're all part of the same thing over there.

I'm sorry.

That's not a joke.

That's not a joke.

It's fucking true.

Yeah.

Look at you guys.

Oh, now he's going after Iceland.

Now I'm really upset with that place.

I don't really quite know where it is

next to England.

Is that it?

No, that's Ireland.

That's Isle of Man.

That's fucking Iceland.

So, no, I'm part of the, I don't give a fuck what all these phony fucking people are saying.

My thing is, is I go out to perform in front of fucking people.

And, like, I, as I've been traveling the world, I want to see more of it.

And the thing that I loved about going to these Arab countries is that their sense of humor, they're silly.

They're really silly.

And I'm a silly person and like anchorman type of shit.

But like, yeah, they don't fucking show that over here.

So it's kind of fun to get a worldview by going

a little more of an informed worldview than you know, if you sit on your couch and let some talk in head, you know, then you just think it's machine guns and people saying all of that stuff.

And it's like, I don't know.

It was a really like, I was like buzzing after the show.

That's what a good time it was.

And uh, all of these fucking assholes that didn't go and never will go, all they're ever going to see is, you know, the machine guns.

And, and, you know, yep, that's how you want to live.

That's how you want to live.

I, I, I, I really, I don't give a fuck, Conan.

And if it affects my career, I, you know, I've been to LAX enough in my life.

You know, I'll fucking sit home for a little bit.

I will actually tell you, LAX is slightly sadder than Saudi Arabia.

Now, there's something everyone can agree on.

You just brought us all together.

That's what comedians do.

They bring a crowd together.

You're supposed to, yeah.

I will say this.

I will say,

I have devoted a chunk of my life to trying to go to countries all around the world.

I don't always love what's happening in that country, but I go and my goal is to.

Why didn't you change it when you were there for eight days?

You should have walked in.

But the thing that I've always wanted to do is try and find real people and make them them laugh.

And it gives me a kind of joy that is very hard to describe.

It's unbelievable.

You know, when I did a gig in India one time and I didn't realize like they're like ridiculous, like ball breakers.

I just didn't expect that from them.

And I was doing this podcast before I went over there to like promote my show.

And they were going like, hey, man, when you come over here, what are you going to talk about?

And I sort of said some of the things they go, oh, yeah, they go, you should talk about this, you know, this subject.

I go,

why don't you talk about this?

They kept throwing out subjects.

And then I finally just go, go, Wait a minute, do you guys talk about these subjects in your country?

And they just laughed at me like they were trying to get me in trouble.

They were trying to set you up.

So then I was like, All right, I like these guys.

It's that same Boston.

I got there, and this is this was, you know, was it a wild place, and the sense of humor was great.

But then, you know, you did see fucked up stuff when you were there.

You know, I saw a t-shirt that said, Real Men Don't Rape, and I was like, Wow, like, where am I?

That's a real t-shirt.

That is a real t-shirt, like, you know, John 3.16.

It's.

Their version, yeah.

Someone holds that up at a football game.

Right by the goalpost.

Yeah, during a soccer game.

They put that up.

Have you talked to the other comics that you went over there with and

compared notes on the reaction since you got back?

Yeah, we all had like a great time over there, and then everybody else is just going like, dude,

what the fuck?

You know what I love?

That a bunch of people went over, but because of your success, you're one of the main names that gets mentioned over and over again.

So, congratulations.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I mean, you know,

I haven't literally watched any of it.

I don't care about all of that performative shit.

And it's like, if someone actually wanted to have a real conversation and stuff like that, you know, I mean, I could get all the way into like as far, you know, as like a performer, you know.

You know, one of my favorite things is this

scumbag

club owner texted my tour manager because he heard I was over there.

And he goes, yeah, he goes, bring back a Burka and a sweatshirt in size oppression.

Like, that was his joke.

So I wrote back to him.

I go, why don't you start, I go, why don't you concentrate on not ripping off comedians, you fucking piece of shit.

And he never wrote back.

Yeah, because he's a fucking.

Was he going to give it a thumbs up?

No, but that's like.

Ha ha.

No, but that's like...

No, he didn't even defend his position.

Right, right.

He knows.

Yeah.

He's like, that fucking guy.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, no.

And you know what's funny?

He's just a typical club owner.

So that's like, I'm saying with people,

you know, listen, I could say so much fucking more about some of the stuff, but I don't want to.

Everything that you say, they twist it around.

It's just another log to throw in the fire.

And all of these, just none of them really give a fuck.

Like, things like this have to happen in order to gradually progress.

And then, you know it's just it just it was necessary it felt it didn't it felt right afterward like i i really and it really was like the people and i vibed with them and they were funny fuck you know they were funny fucking people so i don't know what to tell you i had a good time all right um

on a more personal note uh-huh um you've come on this podcast uh many many times i think you have the record for being on this podcast the most because you and i are friends Do I get the jacket?

I spent that money on the drinks for those two minutes.

I just want you to know that in all the times you've done it, you started out saying you felt honored to be on the podcast, then you said great, then the next time you were on,

you said good, and then the last time you said all right.

I was losing you.

You had an iron

deficiency or something.

Why can't you ask me what's going on in my life that I'm slowly slipping into the abyss?

Why does it have to be about you?

Maybe I'm slipping into a depression.

You could fucking check in on me instead of being like, the compliments I'm graphing that my friends have, like, how insincere are you about your friendships with people

that you have a record

on April of 2021, you were.

I'd like to point out, I let you talk for quite a while

about issues in your life.

I wasn't listening

because I was busy monitoring the different responses you've had to I Feel Blank about being Conan O'Brien's friend.

And I made that tally.

I get it.

No, I get it.

And I notice that when we hang out, you know, we both check out every once in a while and think of our own bullshit.

But somehow we sort of spend, oh, yeah, that's right.

I'm hanging out with Conan.

How you doing, man?

How you been for the last seven minutes?

I've been thinking about myself.

I went and saw you in New York, and I watched you do Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross on Broadway, and you were spectacular.

I don't know if anybody here saw it.

Financed by Saudi Money.

All right.

No, I wasn't.

I was kidding.

Possibly.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Yeah.

I just learned my lines.

You did more than learn your lines.

You were spectacular.

You were great.

I talked about it at the top of the show, but I've dabbled a little bit with this acting thing, and I have a lot of respect for, because I know you've been working working at it for a while.

Yeah, you've done a lot of different acting gigs and you've been terrific.

And I, and when I was watching this, I kind of thought, I think, I felt like David Mammet wrote this part for you.

That's how it felt because it so fit your rhythm.

Did it feel right the first time you got into it?

It, well, I played this guy, David Moss.

He talked like how everybody talked where we growing up.

He talked super fast.

He interrupted people.

He didn't listen.

I'm like, oh, I know this guy.

But

what was fun was that first scene I would do with Michael McKeon and when you finally get it going and when it kind of like locks in with his, because we talk over each other and everything.

And

yeah, Michael was like

probably the greatest listener I'd ever worked.

Because I swear to God, you know, you do it every night.

And like, you know, sometimes you're doing the line and it just would come out just a little bit different to the left.

And he just would always just catch it,

no matter what.

And he would give me something different, like 128 shows.

He surprised me every time.

And

it was very, very easy to do that scene with him.

He's an incredible, everybody knows that, but like to actually get to do it.

There were so many nights when I would be doing it, and I would actually be out of this scene being like, I'm on Broadway doing a scene with Michael McKeon.

This is fucking crazy.

Then it's like, oh, he stopped talking.

What do I say now?

But it took took a while to kind of get it.

Was it terrifying the first night you went out and you're, you know, the curtain's coming up Broadway and you've got a seven-page monologue.

Yeah, you know,

I would run away when you would go into it.

I would get on an e-bike and take off.

It was, it was, it was weird.

It was like waiting to go on was, was nervous, but like the live crowd actually made me feel comfortable because this is what I've been doing my whole career.

So it just, I had to do like a, this new thing where it's just like, rather than doing this, I'm kind of doing this to get to that.

But

the thing I was most nervous about is like, what if I forget my lines?

Like, like, I can't, like, if I forget a joke, I can just say to hell with it, go to another joke when I'm doing stand-up.

So to do that, they call it going into the white room.

And I was so afraid that that was going to happen.

And that's what happened because the way Mamet wrote it, he kind of like the...

The monologue repeats itself twice.

So I would joke.

It was like you did two donuts in the parking lot and then you drove out.

So two times they say, you know, he killed the goose or he fucking killed the goose.

And I would get lost like, where the hell am I?

So one night I was doing it early and I went into the white room and I couldn't fucking remember anything.

There was a line that it had with like, you know, what the hell was it?

It was something like, oh, that's the God's truth.

And it gets me depressed.

I swear it does.

At my age, to see a goddamn, that was like the line.

So I went into the white room like a page before that.

And me and Michael just start improving.

And like, I got to set him up for the next thing so but he knew where I was so he just out of nowhere just looks at me and improvs the line he just goes does it make you depressed

and I'm like as a matter of fact it does all I want at my age oh my god all I wanted these idiots to do earlier was say so what did you do in New York

and they wouldn't do that and does that make you depressed

yeah so he did that and then we got through it and there was like an elevator ride down and we laughed the whole way down.

Like so many nights we would laugh about something and then he saved me.

He saved me so many times.

And then only once I had to save him, but I was so psyched, you know what I mean?

That

I knew where we were and that because he, you know, he helped me out so much.

So like the fact that one night in all of those times.

And it was just also, you know, to work with a legend like him.

And then, of course, all the other guys, like, oh my God, Bob Orton Kirk and Kieran Culkin, what they were doing, you know, once they really, you know, got comfortable with it, like, I just wish I was in the second scene longer.

I got to say,

Donald Weber Jr., John Piracello, and Howard Overshone, like, we just, you know, we vibed.

There was no egos.

We all knew that Michael was the guy.

We all had respect for him, and we just, we just, we had a great time.

We had a great time.

I did have one, I noticed one thing, which is I went back and I said, I've known Bob Bowdenkirk.

We wrote on Saturday Night Live together when we got started back in the day.

So I was visiting friends backstage, saying hi to everybody.

And i got to you i could tell you really missed because you're in new york but you missed your family a lot and you it just felt like you were hurting a little bit like you you missed you missed near you missed your family yeah that's the thing that we didn't take into consideration like nia was and i were just going like all right well you know it's like a you know four month gig you know we'll come out you know 10 days a month and blah blah but we didn't realize we were instantly going to be in like this long distance relationship so it was really one of the hardest times of our marriage because it was like I was lonely and she was swamped with the kids, so we both needed help.

You know, usually in a relationship, one person's starting to go down, the other person pulls them up.

We were both kind of going, we were both sort of sinking there for a minute, but uh, we always turn it around because, um, you know, we're meant to be together, so it worked out, but it was definitely

hard.

Yeah, I have my agency look after the kids,

true story, yeah,

William Morris Endeavor, they're fantastic.

Yeah, yes, they are.

Yeah.

I'm going to see them for the first time in three years.

Looking forward to that.

They have a script pitch.

Oh, yeah.

And I've been going through this bullshit the whole week.

My agent never even called me.

He's been under his fucking desk.

Is that true?

Or during this whole controversy, you haven't got on your podcast?

No, you know what it was?

Was he heard me on the podcast, you know, saying what I said here, that I had a good time and it was, you know, a positive thing or whatever.

So he thought that that was the mindset that I was in through the week.

And as the week went on and more things happened, and then like,

you know, I don't want to get into it, but like some of, you know, some of the people that spoke up that was, was, you know, all right, you know,

I don't know how to say to somebody, hey, man, can you check in with me?

I don't know how to do that.

So, you know, it wasn't until the weekend I was like, dude, are you going to fucking like call me?

And then he was just, I didn't know, you know, but you know,

we're cool.

We're cool.

So the important thing is when all the people that are angry angry with you hear what you had to say tonight, they're just going to calm down.

Absolutely.

Well, I'm not really.

I heard you out and I stand corrected.

No, you're going to get you're going to see a lot of that online.

A lot of I stand corrected.

Well, I got to be honest: what I was trying to do here tonight was not connect with the people.

I'm trying to connect with the bots because they're the ones that really seem to control the narrative.

Yeah.

So, if I can just get the bots

to stop telling the mouth breathers

what to look at.

Go to that speaker.

It's going to take over him.

Fucking.

All right.

Time for your medication.

Morons.

Bill,

you and I have been in it together for a while.

Are you breaking up with me?

That was like the most fucking.

I never want to see you again.

I never want to see you again.

You've presented your argument, and I don't buy it.

Yep.

you've been a good friend i love it when you come on the podcast and i always i love doing the podcast man and i appreciate you having me on especially during all of this bullshit you're a real friend dude all right

listen bill burr you're a man among men and i don't know what that means i don't know what it means either you know what letterman david letterman said to me once i did something that i said something he liked or something he went well conan you're a man among men and for the rest of the weekend i realized that means absolutely nothing nothing nothing i love the guy he's a hero of mine, but that means nothing.

I didn't notice it the first time.

The second time you said it, I was just, oh, fuck.

Yeah, yeah.

That doesn't mean anything.

Other men, you are, in fact, a man.

Yes.

Bill Burr, thank you so much.

No worries.

Thank you, guys.

All right.

All right, we're back.

I have no idea what's going on anymore.

How much of the drink do you have?

I'm almost done with her, actually.

Is that one?

Have you been having both, or are you just having the one?

I just, I'm finishing her up, and then she's on deck.

Oh, okay.

All right.

Okay.

Do you want an olive?

No, I don't like olives.

I hate olives.

I love olive oil.

Love it.

Don't like an olive.

Okay.

Little fun fact about me, and that's going to light up the internet.

Wow.

Don't ever say I never set you up for anything.

You like an olive?

Drives home.

I earned my money tonight.

Comedy, gold mine.

Back to Hacienda Heights.

H squared, baby.

H squared, baby, all the way.

H squared.

Where do you live now?

Pasadena.

Okay, I give an address.

Pasadena.

What?

I'm just saying.

My address?

Yeah, people like to visit you.

I'm not going to give you my address.

Very cool.

Oh, you've gone, become one of those, huh?

All right.

People who like their privacy?

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

That's all I got.

Okay.

Yeah.

A little wasted.

Yeah, Matt, what you got?

Well, we have some questions from the audience that have been pre-selected.

Do you want to go to those?

Sure, I'll take any questions.

Okay.

We're going to bring those people up right now here to the front mic.

Usually on the show, sometimes we take questions off of a voicemail, but since we have a live audience, we thought, let's cut through the middleman.

That's right, this is Catherine, correct?

Hi, Catherine.

What is your name?

Catherine.

Catherine.

And where where are you from, Catherine?

I'm from Canada.

Oh, well, that's a pretty big place.

Which part of Canada?

A small town called Maple Ridge, near Vancouver.

Let's just say Canada.

Oh,

Canada.

Okay.

Drinky,

drinky, winky.

That's great, Sona.

On native land, stand beside it, and guide it.

How's it going?

You're saying they ripped him off?

I'm so sorry.

I tried to let you have the floor and then they took over.

How can I help you?

That's okay.

It's a very serious question.

If you could switch legs with any animal, what would it be and why?

I'm sorry, switch legs with any animal?

That's my best question.

That's the best question we've ever gotten.

That is a spectacular question.

That is great.

Did you ask that because of my leg to torso ratio?

Which is famously way off?

No.

Okay.

What are animals on your shirt?

Because I feel like you're trying to direct us.

I'm not, but I think it's a snake or a dragon.

Oh, a snake.

Okay.

Again, helpful.

Hey.

You already have animal legs, kind of.

I know.

I feel like I already do.

I feel like I have like ostrich legs.

That's what I was thinking.

Flamingo.

I have very long legs.

I think if I could switch, I would go for even longer legs.

You know what I mean?

Like, what would that be?

I don't know.

What's got the longest legs in nature?

Giraffe?

Giraffe has long legs.

I might just go for even longer to make my human body even more of a parody.

So I might go for that.

I might go for really long.

Did you have any thoughts in this area?

Feel free to jump in.

I did think you might say flamingo because it's kind of similar to the.

They have very thin legs.

I think they would snap very quickly.

Do you know what I mean?

I'm very athletic.

I run around a lot.

I perform a lot of athletic maneuvers.

And I think...

No one who does any sport ever says athletic maneuver.

I know.

Yeah, I do a lot of athletic maneuvers.

I'm a junkster.

And I think it would be dangerous for me to have flamingo legs.

I need a giraffe that has stronger legs worthy of me.

And also spotted, and I am spotted.

So

my body is, no one wants to hear about this, but my nude body is covered in freckles.

Oh, come on.

Even parts that never see the sun riddled with freckles, which I've been told by my dermatologist, who has since retired at 35 because he didn't want to see me naked anymore,

that my nude body was a horror show.

So I'm going to to say, yes, it will match the rest of me.

Entire body, naked, freckled.

Perfect.

Thank you.

Thank you, Catherine.

But she cannot wait to get out of here.

Look at her.

She's hailing a cab right now.

Next up is Nora.

Hi, Nora.

Hi, how are you?

Hi.

My question for you is: when it comes to friendships, what is a green flag and what is a red flag?

Very nice.

Okay,

green flag is they've seen my work.

Oh, man.

They're familiar with it.

They know the Haute Oeuvre.

So yes, of course they know the late night show.

They're familiar with the Simpsons episodes.

They even know some of my sketches on Saturday Night Live.

But they also followed me through the Turner years and they're a fan of the podcast.

A red flag would be not really knowing the whole Oeuvre.

Maybe just being a fan of late night, but then losing touch.

Or just knowing the HBO Max show, but not really knowing the stuff before that.

How do you have any friends?

I don't have any friends.

He doesn't have any friends.

The name of this podcast is Conan O'Brien and his friends

have driven people away yep

would you like to add anything because I always like to find out more did you have any thoughts on this issue

what are your red flags what are your green flags red well green flags I would say you know if a friend because I know this is a debate especially in Los Angeles if a friend picks you up at LAX

That is a green flag.

Now, as we learned tonight from Bill Burr, it's way too depressing at LAX.

We would not be friends.

But don't you also think if you ask a friend to pick you up at LAX, that's a red flag?

Yes.

I mean, it depends on the friends.

It depends on how long you've been friends.

What?

It depends on how long you've been friends, I think.

If it's someone you just met and were like

an Uber, and there's just so many ways, there's so many ways to get from the airport.

Putting that on someone, saying, can you...

It's up there with, I have a wet couch.

that I want removed from my ninth floor apartment.

I don't even know why.

Yeah, it's wet.

It's soaking soaking wet.

And I need you to help me move it.

That's so specific, I'm worried that that's happened.

It happened two weeks ago, and we still don't know why it was wet.

No, it's just, it just sounds very unpleasant.

No, I wouldn't do that.

I wouldn't even pick back up from the airport.

And what's your husband?

What's your

green flag?

What's a red flag?

And don't say not be willing to take you to the

apartment.

Maybe like leaving you on red protects, like like never hearing back from them.

Oh, ghosting ghosts.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

See, I knew the term, ghosting.

Yeah, that's impressive.

I'm proud of you.

You've done it.

Yeah, well, ever since Benny Blanco slid into my DMs, that's what I'm saying.

Don't do that.

Don't do that.

I learned that phrase so I could sound cool.

Benny Blanco has never slid into my DMs, and I don't know how he would.

He's never going to.

No, he's never going to, but I'm going to keep saying it until people think that I know what's going on in the world.

Yeah,

I don't know about that.

Yeah, ghosting people was.

But the other thing, too, is when someone sends you a text, there's this immediate expectation that you're going to respond right away.

And I don't like that.

I don't like that.

I like the olden days, the olden times when a letter would arrive, and I would open it with my letter opener.

And I would read it to my wife who's suffering with cholera.

And

the fog is rolling in, and there's a little peat fire.

And I read the letter, and then I think I shall respond, but first, a trip, a trip down to the waters.

And then maybe a couple of weeks later, I write back.

That's, I'm from another time.

I'm from a time when people responded.

And this thing now where someone just texts you at four in the morning, like, yeah,

and then you're supposed to text right back, yeah.

And you don't?

Criminal, criminal.

I won't participate in this new world we're in.

I object.

I object.

I object.

I object.

I object.

And you're with me, aren't you?

Well, I didn't say a timeframe.

As long as you respond at some point, it's just when you don't hear anything.

I know.

I lost track of what you were talking about.

Like, were you saying?

Yeah, you just had two cocktails.

No, no.

Were you saying that ghosting is wrong or people don't respond quickly?

I think you should have a seven-month period to respond to a text.

Oh, what?

And until that seven months has elapsed, you have not ghosted them.

Not at all.

I don't know if it's a time-sensitive text, though.

Like, your eggs are ready?

Sure.

Your poached eggs are ready.

Wonderful example, yes.

My wife, this is true, she does it all the time.

She'll text me in the house.

Like dinner's...

I don't keep my phone on me.

I wander the house like a nomad, a man free of his phone.

And she'll say, I sent you a text that dinner was ready.

What is this?

You must shout up the stairs the way my mother did.

I was going to say, I feel like you guys are different because you're probably like, ooh, I was always shouting in the house, and she was like a lot more sophisticated.

When she shouts in the house, I also complain.

I complain no matter what she does.

Oh, good.

Okay, that's good.

It's a no-win situation for any wife of mine.

Yeah.

Well, glad I got that off my chest.

Thank you for your question.

Thank you, Nora.

Red flag and green flag.

Red flag.

Welcome, John.

Hello.

Thank you.

I was going to say welcome back.

That's not right.

It's like when you're at the drive-through line.

I shouldn't do that.

Hello, come on.

We got a tight 10 minutes we're going to do right now.

I know.

I'm so sorry.

It's a little bit.

No, no, no, no, no, no,

I was getting worried.

No, no.

How are you?

What is your name?

I'm good.

I'm John.

Good.

Nice to see you all.

It's good to see you, too.

You're very performative.

I like that.

You have almost a Shakespearean vibe about you.

I love it.

You just entered.

This is the scene.

A skull in my hand while I speak.

Okay, now I'm scared.

Yeah, but probably smart.

So, So yeah, I have a question.

You're waving at us as if you're angry.

As if this question wasn't even one you wrote.

I did write it,

thankfully, I think.

So.

Hey, John, are you okay?

I'm okay.

I was totally fine.

And then something about the past few steps, I was like, oh, God, I'm walking up to speak with Conan and Sona and Matt and Jimmy Volvino and the band.

But you know what?

You shouldn't feel that way.

They're just people.

And he's a monster.

But an elevated monster on an ivory throne.

Please, fire away.

So, Conan, you've become a magnet for cameo appearances and movies.

Yep.

Thinking throughout history, if you could slot yourself into any movie, which would you choose and why?

Wow, that's very good.

That's an excellent question.

Thank you so much.

Yeah.

What?

Wow.

Soda.

Not me.

It's paying off.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're answering for me.

Me and Deep Throat.

You know, I'm going to go with that.

Because you would be so uncomfortable.

And it would be really hard.

Or I'd get into it.

No, you don't think you'd get into it.

I think you'd be really uncomfortable.

What do you mean?

What would I be doing?

You'd be like, guys,

do you know her name?

Are you okay, ma'am?

Are you okay?

Can I help?

Can I get you any water?

That's what you would be doing.

I'd be offering her water.

Wait, but is he not playing deep throat?

What?

What?

Do you think I'm the one who's...

Well, that you said deep throat.

No, she meant the movie.

Well, not the character.

No, John saying what she's doing.

But you immediately put me as the one who's on the receiving end.

Yes.

I did.

Good lord.

But I meant deep though.

But yes to that, too.

I'll do whatever it takes to make it in this business.

I got to get to the top.

And I don't care what I do.

I got to put money

in the bank, food on the table.

No, sorry.

I didn't mean to.

No, I can't think of anything else now.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm obsessed.

I'm sorry.

You meant like a cameo.

Like, what movie would you want to be in?

Oh, man.

Wow, that's a really good question.

You could play Deep Throat in All the President's Men, where you're in the

Hal Holbrook in the parking lot.

Yeah, Hal Holbrook in the parking lot.

Yeah.

No,

that's terrible.

You just lost the crowd.

You can't see this at home, but maybe you can.

They're They're filing out.

Yeah.

Wow, that's a really good question.

I would love to be.

You know what?

One of my favorite scenes of all time is one of the Pink Panther movies with Peter Selvers, and I just watched it again the other night where, and I can't remember, there are so many Pink Panther movies, but he is getting ready to interrogate the staff of an English manor.

And he's upstairs and he jumps on the parallel bars, and then he dismounts and falls down a flight of stairs, completely humiliates himself, but shoots up and then starts interrogating the entire staff.

And

there's like a police, there's a butler who's just there watching it all, realizing what a fool Cluseau is.

And I would just love to be that guy.

I would love to have been in a scene with Peter Sellers as Cluseau.

That would be my dream.

And just be the straight man watching Clouseau completely humiliate himself.

It's one of my favorite scenes in any comedy of all time.

So I'll say that.

And then deep throw.

Yeah.

And I'll do whatever it takes.

I just want to work in the business.

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much.

We have time for one last question.

Jasmine.

Hi, Jasmine.

Hi.

How are you?

I'm good.

That's my husband.

He's done.

Oh, really?

Wait a minute.

Did you know that he was going to go up first?

Yeah.

Okay.

Did you ever say, like, let me go first or something like that?

I tried.

He wouldn't let me.

Interesting.

Interesting.

Wow.

Okay, I don't like that.

I think we should have a little couples counseling with me sometime.

Okay.

So I'm a middle school sixth to eighth grade history teacher.

Oh, good for you.

I love teachers.

I love it.

And I'm always looking for ways to make history fun and engaging for the kids.

And I know that you're a big history buff as well.

So my question is, if you were to take over my job for a day, what fun and exciting things would you do with the kids to get them also excited about history?

Oh.

Well, knowing me, I would probably dress as a historical figure.

Yes, I've done that.

Just for my own amusement and I'd come in and I'd want to be that character and inhabit that character and answer questions.

I would need to turn it into an over-the-top performance and maybe I'd have several costume changes where I'm different characters.

They might hate it.

They probably would, but I would just do that.

I would do that and there's no stopping me from doing that.

And I would make it, I would, I would be asking afterwards, how many laughs did I get?

And you'd be saying, that's not important.

They really needed to learn about, you know, what happened at the Battle of Trafalgar.

And I'd say, but how many laughs did I get?

Oh my God.

And so it would probably be detrimental to the class.

I would recommend to them what I think is the best podcast in the world, which is The Rest is History.

It's a podcast that's made in London, and it's with these two amazing hosts, Tom Holland and Dominic Sinbrook.

And they talk about history, and they're really funny.

And they tell you these stories.

And there's like 800 episodes and I may have listened to half of them.

It's everything a podcast should be, ourselves included.

It is informative but also really funny and it's stories and that's all history is and so I'm very passionate about it and I think

some people tune out when you say, oh, let's talk about history or you should study history.

They're stories.

They're the best stories.

I'm sorry.

It just felt like the right time.

I'm sorry.

I hate it here.

I really hate it here.

I blame the Fonda, those pathetic stars out on the sidewalk.

They're like post-its.

They peel them up at night.

That's what I would do.

But anyway, yeah, I mean, I'll give it a shot with your students someday.

Maybe we could try it.

How old are they?

Sixth to eighth grade.

So they're going to hate me.

10 to 30.

That's tough.

Yeah, that's tough.

That's a tough age.

That's a tough age.

They're probably going to, I'm going to do my bit, and then as I'm dressed as Napoleon, they're going to beat the shit out of me in the parking lot.

They're just going to wail on me.

You're just going to see a guy in a paper hat getting wailed on, his long, giraffe-like legs fluttering in the breeze.

You're going to get cyberbullied.

I'll be cyberbullied.

I don't even know.

Yeah, I'll have to, my wife will help me get online so I can be cyberbullied.

I'm one of those guys that needs help getting cyberbullied.

Can someone assist?

My manhood is going to be questioned, but I can't get online.

Well, it was very nice to meet you.

Thank you.

I like you.

You're a nice person, and you're doing great work.

Thank you for doing that.

Thank you, Jasmine.

Sorry, I didn't mean to.

History is important.

You stink.

You're just

a terrible person.

You know, I really don't love you.

No, no.

So no, what we have is should be bottled and sold as some sort of

poison.

Exactly.

Yeah.

That was really nice.

I've had a really good time tonight.

I did.

Have you guys had a good time?

Yo, Thorpe?

Quite a ride.

Quite a ride.

Isn't that quite a ride?

Yeah, quite a ride.

Yeah.

What do you mean?

It was a roller coaster.

Yes.

Yeah.

Lots of different emotions.

How is it New York?

Yeah.

Good night, everybody.

Sonum Obsession, Matt Gorley.

I love him.

You know it.

I know it.

No matter what I say.

Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend.

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