Lizzy Caplan Returns

hey Sona do you own a business that's ready to thrive I do well it's time to let Intuit QuickBooks take things like unpaid invoices and tracking expenses off your plate to take things to the next level make sense I really want my business to thrive you should it should Intuit QuickBooks is an all-in-one business platform that can help with day-to-day tasks like invoicing and expenses you want to be worried about that stuff that's perfect yeah that's what That's all I do.

Yeah.

That's my. QuickBooks is an all-in-one business platform that can help with day-to-day tasks like invoicing and expenses.

You want to be worried about that stuff.

That's perfect.

Yeah.

That's all I do.

Yeah.

That's my whole business.

It's your whole business.

Manage and grow your business all in one place.

Intuit QuickBooks, your way to money.

Money movement services are provided by Intuit Payments Incorporated,

licensed as a money transmitter by the New York State Department of Financial Services. One thing about the entertainment industry, it's easy to earn a reputation even if it doesn't reflect who you really are.
For example, everyone thinks that Discover is a card that isn't widely accepted. Can you believe that? I can't stand people who think that.
Yeah, me neither. Those are my least favorite kind of people.
In reality, it's accepted at 99% of places that take credit cards nationwide. This is a flawed concept.
99%. Yeah, it's almost all of it.
Yeah, almost, but just 1% away. So maybe now you'll think twice before judging a book by its cover.
Hello, unless it's a celebrity cookbook. Just stay away from those celebrities Celebrities can't cook.
In that case, judge. You know what I mean? Whenever a celebrity is making a cake, I think that's a bad cake.
Based on the February 2024 Nielsen Report. Learn more at discovery.com slash credit card.
Hi, my name is Lizzie Kaplan, and I feel...

Meh, I've had better about being Conan O'Brien's friend.

Yes! Yes! shoes, walk and lose, climb the fence, books and pens. I can tell that we are gonna be friends.
Yes, I can tell that we are gonna be friends. Hey there, Conan O'Brien here.
Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. Put a little pause there, Adam West style, to add a little drama.
Yeah, it was very... Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a friend.
Joined by Sonam Obsessian. Hello.
And of course, Matt Gourley. Hello.
And guess what? This is a different little take on things. I've got some gum in my mouth right now.
Oh, I hate that sound. God, don't come in.
I know, people don't like that. All right, I'm going to take it out.
But anyway, I just thought it kind of made me look like a guy that doesn't... I don't know, I don't care that much about my work.
I just do it.

I'm just kind of an artist,

you know?

You just,

you forgot it in there.

Yeah, I forgot it was in there.

And chewing gum

implies all of that to you,

that you don't care

about your work,

you're an artist.

Just because you

eat chewing gum?

I don't know.

I didn't put much thought

into it and then you asked

for an explanation

and the whole thing

fell apart.

Like wet cardboard.

The gum is out of my mouth.

For those of you,

what is it called

when you hate the chomping scent?

Misophonia.

Misophonia.

I think I have.

Yeah, I've got misohonia.

Oh, man.

Sorry.

Oh, God.

I need to go.

I just wanted him

to walk right into it.

I want to not be here anymore.

No, I've been around people

that have it

and you can't do anything.

You can't have soup.

You can't have peanut brittle around people that have it. And you can't do anything.
You can't have soup. You can't have peanut brittle

around people that have misophonia.

Yeah.

What's the matter?

What are you looking at me for?

I'm just saying it's terrible.

You're not a victim.

Let's put it that way.

I think I'm a victim in some ways.

How so?

Constant expectations of greatness.

Oh, I don't think anybody expects that from you.

Wherever I go, I'm burdened by middling expectations i uh no it's it's it's terrible for people that have that and it's it's tough to be around i know what do you mean like it's tough for you to be around someone who has that yes uh my daughter was constantly saying i hate the way that it sounds when you consume the food that keeps you alive i I mean, in her defense, but in her defense, you eat like an animal. Okay, let's get into this.
I mean that in a nice way, but you eat, the way you eat is- Describe it. Okay.
You've got the floor. First of all, you're angry whenever you're eating.
I don't know why. I don't know if you enjoy the food and then you inhale it as if all of your siblings are just looming over you.
They were. But nobody is anymore.
I know, but it's the phantom leg syndrome. I'll tell you why I'm angry when I eat, because I know that the food is sustaining my life, which is causing me pain.
But why can't it make you happy? You're mad at the food because it's keeping you alive. I'm mad at the food because it's keeping me alive so that all this continues.
Oh my God. Pretty dark, huh? Yeah.
No, I will admit that I eat quickly and I'm getting better. I'm trying to chew the food and be thoughtful, he said, lying.
Okay, I figured. Because I saw you eat not that long ago and it's the same.
Really? Yeah. I didn't get any better? No, it's okay.
It's okay to just be you. Well, Danny, your brother, does he eat quickly or no? He eats with the calm assurance that he was the oldest.
He only had one sister and no one was going to take his food. Yeah, actually, he does.
Your father was in the corner brushing his mustache. He wasn't going to take it.
Okay, come on. Why does it all go back to Gil and his mustache? That's a good looking mustache.
There's no way that it just looks that way. He's combing it constantly.
He's not combing his mustache constantly. Frisk him.
I bet he has a tiny little comb. I'm not going to frisk my dad.
Well, I'm going to have the police frisk Gil at the airport the next time he goes through. And I bet whenever he walks through the machine, he goes.
And they, I mean. Okay.
No, not that. It's a metal comb? I know.
What kind of comb is it yeah it's metal and they take it out and it's this tiny little mustache comb and then he has to explain to them that's why his mustache looks so good this riffs a waste of everyone's time Gil my apologies I love you you're a good man you're apologizing that's good I said it quickly let's not draw it. Look, I'm on Nev's side.
Yes. I think that...
And she's made me very conscious of the way I eat. And so she helped me that way.
There's a difference between inhaling food and are you doing the kind of open mouth... That's the thing that I have a misophonia for.
I can't stand when people... An open mouth chewer? I don't think I'm an open mouth chewer.
Someone very close in my life is an open mouth chewer. You talking about Jeff Ross? Jeff Ross is a chomp, chomp, smack, smack man.
And I think we can all agree on that. Yeah, he's chomp, chomp, smack, smack.
Yeah. Okay, yeah.
He'll be talking to me and be like, so anyway, and I'm like, what are you eating? And sometimes it's something that doesn't even need chewing. Like a melting, what do you have there, Jeff? A melted popsicle.
What are you chewing for?

It's two days old.

It was in the back of my car in the sun.

So it's liquid.

That's right.

Anyway,

I think we're going to go out to the East Coast.

We'll be there for the SNL thing.

There's nothing in your mouth right now.

Yeah, he's an open mouth chewer.

Yeah.

But he'll hear this.

Does he listen to the podcast?

I don't think he does.

Yeah, here and there.

But this is my way of talking to him now, is through the podcast. Podcastively, aggressively.
You know what? This is a great, I'm very passive aggressive, and this is a great way to talk to people who I know and love in my life and tell them how I really feel. That's not bad.
I'm going to talk to the person who does the lip smacking. Who is it? I can't say.
Why? Who? Oh, wait, we're on camera. Who? Say.

Oh.

Why are you doing all this miming on camera?

Anyone can look up.

This is going to backfire.

You edit it.

You can easily edit out the video.

Wait, you haven't told her?

You haven't told her?

No, I've told her, but it's gotten to the point where I can't say it anymore.

Well, then this is the perfect way does she listen to the podcast.

Wait, I'm not even saying this is a she. No, I mean you could have married anyone.
It's legal. Yay! He's bounding down rolling out the phone.
We're gonna say what they say. You can't be done.
I love this person more than life itself. Yep.
No. And this is but a...
And I have faults too. And so I'm probably greater faults.
I'm sure I have greater faults. It's been discussed and it's been noted and it's been put into the record and there's nothing more I can do about it.
Oh my God. How about the two of you, you and this person that Matt's talking about, eat.
You have a time minimum to eat a meal and this person What are we talking about? I don't know. I lost it as I am.
Eduardo speaks. I lost it as I was.
So you think you can put like a decibel meter on that person to make sure they don't pass a certain volume. There you go.
We'll fix you. But that's the problem.
It's not the level of volume. It's almost worse that it's slightly quiet yes because then you start like I start straining to hear it it's much my fault it's a dynamic yeah and I think it's fair to say that in all relationships especially the one you're talking about which is a marriage no no this is my clergyman okay yes that's right Pastor Samuelson you eat a lot of meals with him? Yeah.
They always get together for beans. Yes, I take my dinners with my clergymen out in the cloister.
You have oysters in the cloister. He's so horny.
Listen, you got to admit, that was the natural. It was a home run.
The lights exploded. Eduardo watched me trot in slow motion around the field with Robert Redford's body.
Can we please just actually give you a sandwich and say you can't finish this in less than 10 minutes? That would be hard. That would be difficult.
I have the same issue. I eat quickly, as do most people that grew up in a prison or penitentiary.
Okay. You know what? I put my arms around my food to protect it from my brother Neil.
Yeah. Who used one of those supermarket grabbers to reach over and get my food.
He was ingenious. I didn't have this oppressive sibling thing.
I think for me it was just let's get this over with so I can do fun things and live life. Food wasn't that exciting.
Watch Star Wars again. Okay.
Live life. You happen to be right.
Yeah. Yes, you're correct.
So I can organize my figurines. But take it easy.
Boba Fett goes in front. Yeah, I don't see a problem with this.
Mandalorian goes second. You're making my point for me.
R2-D2 third. Well said.
Sabart Rop-A-Beep goes fourth. That one's not real.
It could be. There's a new installment.
So you guys understand. Disney keeps cranking them out because they can't stop.
They don't have other content. I got a lot of editing to do on this one.
Zardarth Bixnax goes fifth. He's from the planet Arxnax Max.
Okay. Look Stax yuck! Now you're getting personal.
All right.

Well, anyway, yes, live life to its...

You are Zorba the Greek, man.

Just living life to its fullest.

This small thimble full of iced tea, decaffeinated,

and then off to organize my figurines.

Oh, you're one to talk, asshole.

Zorf Bilmore!

Yes, Pixie!

Dora Roosevelt, 14 volumes gotta be read by news. It's called Knowledge of History.
The nerd-off. Oh, please.
I think when I read history, I'm educating myself about the history of our nation, maybe with an eye towards how we should move forward. What you're doing is living in a fantasy world of Gax Bixnor, Chaz Bilney, Rax Haxldax, Zorth Bithri,

and Arndang Dysbo.

That's one character.

Oh my God.

All right, my guest today.

Oh God.

There's no transitions in this universe.

They were done away by the empire destroy all transitions excuse me excuse me that was a guy that was who's that darth vader no there's someone with emphysema okay that makes my guest today how do we know darth vader didn't have emphysema and there was no uh device assisting him my guest today is, I have, I have, I have some, no, no, no, I have some thinking. My guest today, my guest today, you have some D.
I have to go home and reconsider. You need to go look in the mirror for a long time, buddy boy.
I can't believe you're telling me this and I'm taking it from you. I take it from you.
No, no, not, no, no, not guest yet. I got it.
I got it. No!

You, of all people.

And you yourself are always admitting you're just projecting.

Yeah.

Why don't you go screw you dick wish?

Dick wish?

This is what you held up our guest for?

I hope you're proud of yourself.

You sure showed me.

I don't know how I'm going to recover from that lethal blow.

My guest today.

All right, I'll allow it.

You know what?

This is, I love this person.

What's happening, son?

Are you okay?

I'm dying.

I'm dying.

I am actually dying.

My guest today, of course, she's a very talented actress.

You know her from such films, TV shows as Mean Girls, Party Down.

I just, she's one of my favorite people.

You know that. Yeah, I love her too.
Yeah, you can see her in the Netflix series Zero Days. She's so crazily talented.
I also happen to know that she's an amazing person in every way you would want someone to be an amazing person. I'm excited.
I'm thrilled she's here today. Lizzie Kaplan, welcome.
Well, as you're well aware, I've got a bad case with Lizzie Kaplan. She's one of my favorite people.
Of all time, your work and also just you as a person, I'm just going to start off saying it. We've hung out a little bit on the side.
And I just always leave thinking, Jesus Christ, that Lizzie Kaplan if there's anyone cooler than than this woman i have not i have not met her and um damn damn seriously seriously i i absolutely adore you thanks and um i know you're going through some stuff right now and i know your your father just passed which is bizarre because i just went through this with my parents in December. Both of them went at the same time.
Like it was a suicide pact, which it was not. But it just sounded suspicious in the press.
Like my dad went and then my mom went two days later and it just sounds like, okay, this is a murder, you know? But it wasn't. Pillow.
Yeah, exactly. Her mom.
Yeah, exactly. But no, so we were chatting a little bit out in the hall and I said, we don't need to talk about this, but it might be good to talk about because I just went through it.
It's so fresh in my mind, the different weird feelings that you feel. So if it helps you at all.

Totally.

We can talk about it and then I'll charge you $350.

Cool.

Great.

Because that's the going right.

It's actually a bargain at this point.

Yeah.

So I like pop my Prozac right before.

I did recognize that pill.

Big fan, by the way. Oh, man.

Hey, keep that Prozac coming.

Yeah.

You guys are doing amazing work.

We have a bowl of it here. Yeah, right? The Coca-Cola was the original.
Interestingly, I don't know if you remember this, but I met your dad. I do remember that.
And I had a very long chat with your father. It was at a party, I believe here in Los Angeles.
And you came in afterwards and said, what were you doing? And I said, oh, me and your dad were just talking and we talked for a really long time and you looked aghast. Like, oh my God, what did he do? What did my father say? But I remember him very fondly.
That's really nice. Thanks, Conan.
Yeah, he was a very funny man, very strange man. It's wild.
It's wild, the whole thing. And I actually kind of wish I brought him around to more parties and more things because people had good experiences with him.
But yeah, it's weird. My mom died when I was 13.
So I feel as you do, but it's very fresh for you. Like you feel like an orphan, even though you're old.
And not you. You're very young.
Speaking for myself. I know what you're saying because Sona came, when my parents passed, Sona and a couple of the other people, not you, Eduardo, came out.
You can see it, better things to do. No, right.
There was a big game that night. No uh it was in boston and i didn't expect anyone

to come and and so uh some of the people uh who i work with flew to boston to be there which meant uh which was very nice it was so funny because i wanted i just wanted to make sona laugh and so sona came up to me at some point and remember i was just going like i'm an orphan yeah and but playing it up for sympathy when I'm a 61-year-old white guy.

A lot of little orphan Annie gifts in the text messages. But it was just absurd.
I kept saying like, I don't know where I'm going to sleep tonight. Yeah, you're going to sleep at the Four Seasons Hotel, you fucker.
I did feel the same kind of thing, which was just, oh, I guess I'm an orphan, but I don't get to walk around with a big 1920s cap. Well.
See, this is why I love Lizzie. You know? She's giving me permission.
Don't limit yourself. Not now.
You two of you should hop a boxcar. We should.
As orphans. We should walk along together.
Two scruffy orphans. Two scruffy orphans in the poor season.
It's like, wait a minute, that looks like Lizzie Kaplan and Conan O'Brien. And there's an SUV following them, like 15 feet behind in case they need anything.
So anyway. But yes, I do.
I mean, I don't, I couldn't even begin to wrap my head around your version of it, which is like the one-two punch. But I do there's something which you will never know but there's something really kind about it happening that way that you didn't have to have like the five years of looking after your mom without your dad and yeah that would have been brutal that's a good chapter that nobody really needs but yeah i i just kept thinking like my so my mom mom died.
It was awful. And also you were 13.
I was 13, which is crazy. Everyone thinks, oh, it'd be the worst if you were two or three.
And I've read some about this and it's no, if you're, it's apparently the worst time is if you're a teenager. That's when it can impact you the most.
Can confirm. It was horrible.
And then like every funeral after that never felt as bad, you know, like a grandparent would die or it just never, it never hit as hard, obviously. And then my dad, I just assume he was 80.
He was not well. It wasn't that surprising, even though it kind of was in the moment the moment but i so so so fucked up over it obviously but i realized like it doesn't even matter if you're 13 if it's your parent your parents loom so large whatever your relationship is and we had a good relationship but even if you're not speaking to your parent if they died like that's gonna you're like it's coming for you conan yes, it's going to get you bad.
Probably after the Oscars. I don't feel things.
I think we have to get through the Soul Train Awards. And then we had Werner, the great Werner Herzog was here.
He's helping us out with something in a really lovely way. But he was here and he's always been very nice to me.
And he said, he had heard the news and he said, Conan, you only have. And he said in that Werner Herzog voice, one mother and one father.
I don't know why that's coming out Irish. What the fuck happened? How did he do it? Someone help me out here.
I got to access him. One mother and one father.
That's it. That's it.
There you go. Thank you.
I don't know why I went to the leprechaun. One mother and one father.
I don't fuck it up. Oh, but you still got lucky charms.
No, he's have one mother one father and i just was i was like this is not helping especially coming from him coming from him and he said and there is no afterlife they've descended to avoid of meaningless madness and chaos thanks ferner um can i can i say something very quickly? He was here, and obviously we all love him, and Maddie always sets out a basket of snacks and stuff, and so he was standing talking to you and some other people, and before he left, he's like, and now it is time for me to leave, but first, a little treat. And he went over and grabbed like a little thing and took it with him.
It was amazing. He narrates his regular life like that? First, a little treat.
And then I will descend again into chaos and madness. Anyway, yeah, it is, you're still going through it.
And then what's strange is the expectation other people have for you, which is you just, you feel what you feel. And I'm, I don't know if it's in the Irish quality or what, but I just sort of get through things.
And so I've had people that have said, you just must be devastated. And I think, I don't know.
I don't know what I'm feeling. I know that I've, and then I noticed that I had put my watch on upside down and backwards.
You're trying to reverse time. Yeah, exactly.
I don't know what I was doing, but like my belt was on wrong. I was telling everyone, oh, no, no, these things, well, they lived a long life and I think they enjoyed themselves and all was well.
And they went peacefully and quietly. And people would say, you just put your pants on over your head and poured gravy into the bathtub.
What are you doing? Yeah, I don't know. I don't, I guess it's like it's impossible for me not to just be making constant comparisons to when my mom passed away.
And I had no skills, no tools, no, I mean, I had support, but like 13-year-old friends support, which is not amazing for that situation, like as hard as they all tried. I i just it was it there were so many years of it just being so so so hard and now i realize like oh i do actually have support and a therapist and prozac and you know like a great like i will be okay i ended up being okay the last time against the odds because that was crazy.
I just like, I definitely am processing it in a much healthier way. I'm letting myself be sad, but that's not, that was not easy for me to do as a kid.
As a kid, it was just like exactly what you're saying. Keeping it moving, armor, armor, armor.
And now it's better. It's better for it to happen now and in this way.

But like, it's fucking crazy.

It's just crazy.

I'm so, I guess I'm just so sad about it, which feels healthy.

I'll take that over angry and confused.

Right.

Right.

That's a gift to be able to feel sad.

Yeah.

Let me tell you.

Yeah.

You should try it.

Please.

There's no time.

Now, mattress firm.

Oh, no.

Don't be the villain in your...

Oh, sorry.

Oh, my God. Do you...
I even remember the tagline from that stupid... Not stupid, terrific mattress.
the all-new nissan armada pro 4X is an unshakable fortress powered by a twin-turbo V6 engine ready to propel your adventures to new heights. Yeah, your voice changes when you do a car act.
I'm trying to become Will Arnett, but I can't do it. He's like, the all-new Nissan Armada Pro 4X.
No, listen, I'm going to explain this car to you because this car is fantastic. Its max 8,500-pound towing capacity has the power to haul all your favorite toys on your next big adventure.
You could steal the Statue of Liberty with this. It's incredible.
I'm not saying do that. I'm just saying this thing, that's a lot of Holland power.
Nobody gets left behind with the Armada Pro 4X's premium interior that seats up to eight passengers. That's crazy.
I don't know eight people. Going big never goes out of style.
No terrain is too tough for the all new Nissan Armada Pro 4X, the most capable Armada ever built. Built for the most rugged of terrain.
The all-new Nissan Armada Pro 4X gives you freedom to explore further. Oh man, I do a lot of traveling.
You know that I do the travel shows? Nothing quite like the feeling of an upgrade when you're traveling. Well, as a T-Mobile customer, you can take the perks with you.
That's good. Isn't that nice? It starts the moment you take off with free in-flight Wi-Fi, so you can stream your favorite show on the go.
Obviously, that would be this show, I would think. Yeah.
You go in a plane and then you stream your podcast? If I'm anxious about a flight, the thing that calms me is seeing myself. and then when you land T-Mobile's got you covered with 15% off

all Hilton brands. Did you know that? No.
Yep. Plus you're covered with five gigabytes, count them, five, of high-speed data in over 215 countries and destinations with Go 5G Plus or Next plans.
And I have to tell you, it's a nice feeling when I travel the globe for my travel work. I like to know that when I land in that other country, I'm covered, I'm there.
Yeah. I can text you and say, hey, I got here safely.
Yeah. I forgot to feed my cat.
Could you feed my cat? Oh, yeah. You could remind me I don't have a cat.
Right. It's all good stuff.
Yeah, you FaceTimed me before from another country and it was crisp.

She was clear.

Yep, you could see every mark on my face.

Find out how you can experience travel better at T-Mobile.com slash travel.

Qualifying plan required.

Wi-Fi where available on select U.S. airlines.

Terms and conditions apply. Shark CryoGlow is the only, I'm going to say that again, only LED mask with under eye cooling in the U.S.
Only CryoGlow uses high energy blue and red LEDs, deepetrating infrared and insta-chill technology to soothe and firm under eyes.

Complete with four unique treatments developed with dermatologists backed by clinical testing and FDA cleared.

IQLED technology provides dermatologists optimizing treatments of red, blue, and deep infrared light with four unique modes.

Better aging, skin clearing, skin sustain, and under eye revive for a completely customizable routine. Hell, I'd want all four.
Insta-chill technology soothes with three adjustable chill levels for a customized under eye treatment. I've used this.
You've used Insta-chill? Yeah, they sent us one and I took it. And you look fantastic, by the way.
Thank you. I feel fresh-faced.
I've been using it pretty consistently.

You know, there's eye holes.

So you could just like wear it and just go about your day.

You look kind of crazy, but you can just, you know, watch some TV and relax.

You look like when Hannibal Lecter cut off someone's face and put it on his face.

But it was cooling.

Yeah.

It really, you really feel it working.

It's actually really nice.

And I love it.

I'm going to keep using it. Cryo Glow.
All the kids are talking. Available at sharkbeauty.com.
Lizzie, you've described yourself as, and I can see it, that you were a tough kid. Was that before your mom passed? Is that your nature? Or is it because your mom passed at such an early age that you were a tough kid? And how were you a tough kid? It may have been in there somewhere, but no, it was after my mom thing.
I look at 13-year-old kids now and they look like tiny babies. I just remember a bit like my dad sent me to a therapist once.
It was a group therapist. And it was a bunch of other kids who had lost a parent.
And you had to like hold a talking stick to talk about that. And I went to it once and I was like, this is bullshit.
I hate it. I'm fine.
And I guess convinced them, my dad and my aunts or whatever, like, I don't need to do this. I'm okay.
And they believed me. And then they like never sent me back to anything like that or worried about me.
Right. Again, I don't know how anybody was like convinced by a 13 year old saying that she's fine when this happens.
But I think nobody else was fine in my family. So everybody was just kind of picking up the pieces.
So you were not a great target for, say, bullies. Like you would have chewed them up and spit them out.
Or were you the bully? I mean, I don't think I was the bully. Is that what bullies say? Well, we actually have some friends here.
Come on in, guys. Stephanie from Second.
No, I wasn't a bully. I've had the same friends since then, since before then.
And they're still my closest friends now. I always think that's a great sign.
And my dad was like that too. And my mom.
That was a big thing in our family without it being like a lesson that was explicitly taught. Like you just keep your friends.
But yeah, nobody like fucked with me. I guess I was tough.
I was angry, but I thought that was a toughness thing. And I tried to be funny and it was just like this oh i remember when i was 13 like the height of humor was the retort your mom so i just remember like say something somebody would say your mom and just like immediately the look on their face like oh god i said oh god and so i would just go to like trying to make everybody else feel less uncomfortable and i lived in that way of being for a really long time and now i don't care if people are uncomfortable which feels like a win but i didn't have that as a kid at all yeah that's a great superpower to care less about what other people think yeah it's like that's just like age honestly i think age helps and um i know you and i are similar in this way i have a social media presence but i am not on social media meaning uh you know through Team Coco and all of our different subsidiary enterprises.
We will post things and if something's going to go out under my name, I will craft it or approve it. But the last thing I would ever do in the world is type my name into the web and see what people are thinking or just live in that world because I think it is pure madness I think and and as our friend Werner would say chaos chaos and darkness yeah it's so damaging it's horrible and I'm sure that it's like been an impediment to professional things for me but I don't care.
Why? Why would you say that? Because you think you're supposed to be every day saying, this is the chia seed pudding that Lizzie had today. I can't do it.
You're going to do it. We brought out some chia seed pudding.
We're going to Instagram it right now. I don't know how to do it.
I feel like a dinosaur for not doing it. I was like right on the cusp.
Now anybody younger than me, I think like it's mandatory. They tried to tell me it was mandatory to be on this stuff.
And I just fought it and really was like, this whole social media thing is really going to blow over. This internet, I don't think it's going to stick around.
And now I now i do sometimes think like oh i probably should be playing that game a little bit more but i just can't do it i hate it it's embarrassing the amount of times you have to like divorce your feelings about your friend who you know and love in person and then their social media persona then some people like i just can't i like can't reconcile those two things anymore. And it's like an illness.
It's weird. The narcissism, it's made everything fucking worse.
Like, let's be real. It's made everything worse.
I'm hoping because our kids are the same age, I think. Yeah.
Like around three and a half. Yes.
Yeah. I think I'm praying that it like isn't as omnipresent for that.
But I don't know. I don't I really don't know.
I see it. I'm staying with some friends now.
I've known their daughter her whole life. She's amazing.
She's 13. She was a private school in Los Angeles.
And it's like it is a fight to not give this girl a phone and access. That's a big question is when they get the phone.
It was a big question for us. Yeah, because your kids are the age,

like this is like the beta testing generation

on this stuff.

And now- phone and access that's a big question is when they get the phone it was a big question for us yeah because your kids are the age like this is like the beta testing generation on this stuff and now we see like oh it's bad but as a parent like i get why it's difficult i get why you don't want to be the one being like hey you're you're gonna be the one kid who doesn't have this and that's gonna make you weird and an outsider and but it's so bad it's so bad there's uh and then there are questions the other way which is it can be a safety thing at a certain age that if they have a phone they can call you and so it's a big debate we wrestled with it a lot about what age we had the phones implanted in utero oh oh boy so when my daughter was born she came out with 700 likes. Wow.
That's really good though. Strong presence.

No, I remember us getting in.

We did pretty well.

Liza would know the exact age because I was probably looking in a mirror

and thinking about my career

when this decision was finally made.

Your social media, the mirror.

My social media is the mirror.

Look at that jawline.

If only those eyes were a little bigger and they popped on screen. Conan, I need help with the children.
Quiet! That eye vein has held me back. Trolling yourself.
Yeah, exactly. You're your biggest troll.
You suck. It doesn't add up to me that you would feel you needed to do anything like that.
I need to increase my social media presence or I have to do this or do that because you're so talented. And well, no, I'm saying I'm serious.
You're so you have really. No, I'm serious.
You have such. I don't see how.
Do you guys see what I'm saying? I don't see how anything you're doing is enhanced by. And this is how I make a Cobb salad.
I don't think- I fundamentally agree with that. And I guess that's kind of like the main takeaway is people aren't paying attention to you that much.
So anybody, people are paying attention to you all the time, Connor. No, no, I am, you know, I looked into it.
I am the exception to that rule. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you are.
When people say no one's thinking about you- Except you. That's because they're thinking I'm going to.
But no, no, I.

Yeah, they're not. And so like they think, you know, I look at some of my friends who are myself and I think like, oh, I should be.
I wish I did this job or did like two more jobs during this period of time. And the reality is like people assume you're working.
They assume you're busy. Nobody needs to know about like those fallow periods.
and the reason why people are even thinking about it

is because you feel the need to just like chime in

with your opinions every single day or like what set you're on every day. I just don't.
Yeah. It's a real disconnect for me.
Like, why do we all have to like log our fucking opinions about everything all the time? Like, it's our job. And you see, you know, like on message boards or whatever.
Sometimes I'll look at the at the Daily Mail. Oh, God, the Daily Mail is so bleak.
And the comments like it doesn't even matter. You know exactly what people are going to say.
Like they're going to judge this person on her appearance or her decision or something she did 10 years ago. And it's it's like these people it's now part of, it's their job now to sit down and like do their part of this equation, which is like log in their opinion about what a piece of shit this person is.
And I just think like, who are these people? I know we always think like, okay, they're in their mother's basements or whatever, but they're probably not. They're probably like living out in the world.
And yet they take time out of every day to like sit down and let you know

how they feel about Britney Spears is dancing. Like who? What? Why are you weighing in on this?

And I mean, I actually I realize I'm sort of like talking in circles right now. I feel like I have

fairly insightful things to say about this. Not today.
But I do. I do think like, how can you not

connect these dots that like the lack of community, like people's quality of life just being shittier. Everybody's isolated.
People are fully okay living in this kind of like alternate reality where it's your opinions and the more fiery your opinions are, the more people pay attention. The more clicks.
But like, it's just create. Look at where we are.
The world is like, look at where we are. It's Trump.
What the fuck? Like, does Trump exist without any of this stuff? Like, I don't, I don't think so. And beyond that, we're just, people are sad.
Kids are sad. Everybody feels isolated.
And there's no, I think we're in a weird position too, because yes, it is fully incorporated into our lives. We're young enough that like we had phones from a young enough age that it's like woven into the fabric of our beings, but we had childhoods that weren't.
And now they don't have that. I don't know what that looks like in the future, other than more like really lazy Gen Z people who don't know what a good, a hard day's work looks like, which I find myself saying all the time.

It sucks. than more like really lazy Gen Z people who don't know what a good, a hard day's work looks like, which I find myself saying all the time.
You just sprouted a bonnet. I know.
I am like so Tom, my husband really makes fun of me a lot because I am like a dinosaur about this. And look, I get left behind in this scenario.
Like, I don't think the internet's going to stop because it's making us sad. Well, I always go back to you to you just have to you know I don't know if I'm quoting Jersey Shore here but you do you is that I'm sorry no that's Werner Herzog as well yeah no no this is different you do who you do you in the chaos of the eternal void Jim Tan Laundry yeah it's just like GTL in the Werner Herzog voice.
Werner Herzog was in. He was in one season.
He was in one season of Jersey Shore where he told them all that they were in a void. But Lizzie, I always go back to who are my people? It's like my wife, my kids, for you, you know, Tom, it's Alfie.
and who are my friends? And then what is my work that I do? I just always keep pulling myself back to that and saying, and then try to have empathy, which is working a muscle. You can't just say I have empathy.
You just have to keep going at it. But that's hard to do.
Like for your job, that's really hard to do. I mean, talk shows are usually very mean and you're very nice.
See, that's hard to do. Like, for your job, that's really hard to do.
I mean, talk show hosts are usually very mean. And you're very nice.
See, that's how I... He's the nicest person.
Guys, guys. I've ever met.
Neither of you has the talking stick. He's like Dolly Parton.
We have microphones. Yeah, you put microphones in front of our faces.
We've got to do this talking stick thing here. i intuitively fight against the bleakness which

gets harder and harder and harder with all the issues that come up and um but if i didn't have

kids i would retreat into well my life went pretty well and um you know i i exist the earth does seem

to be getting warmer but i'll be gone before that's too much of a problem i mean i would have

the capacity maybe to think that way i would hope that i I wouldn't, but I would have the capacity to. But when you have kids, as you know, you're invested in, oh, okay.
The future. We need to figure out how to fix this.
I know. I know.
They're like the greatest balm of all time. And also.
But also right now, going through what you're going through with the loss of your dad i found um and i know that sona's been through so much lately lost lost her home in the end uh but i remember talking to you right after you lost your house in the fire and you were saying like i've got these mikey and charlie and they need me present they were kind of saving your ass because definitely you can't say to them mama's gonna just be depressed and weirded out for two years i'll see you then yeah yeah i'm not gonna be like i'm in a bed just crying all day yeah so you know and then you they they're ready to continue on and so you're ready to continue on absolutely like the best medicine it really is and it like gets you out of it totally they're like little prosax yeah they are sweet sweet prosax but yeah they it does it it it's amazing even if you're in a bad mood like a normal bad mood and you go in and see your kids like unless you want to have them you know when they're talking to their therapist or writing their memoir later yeah mother was sad all was sad all the time. She took, she took it all out on me.
She would kick the dishwasher and then ignore me for two days. Like, we're not going to do that.
We're like, not those people. My, my best friend lives in Alcestina.
I'm so sorry. You lost.
That's like unbelievable. And watching her, she has a six year old and their house did not burn down uh but they're totally displaced and they have to live in the back house of a friend from schools how and like it's actually turning out to be kind of a great situation for now but what if she didn't have this little girl to like get to school and not be a husk of a human like i don't i don't know yeah i realize now because i i mean i had my kid kind of late like how much time you just spend like wallowing your own shit and then you don't get to do that anymore and it like rips you out of it it's a it's a wonderful thing is this the funniest um episode of this am i wrong that i love this episode yeah i, me too.
Eduardo is the line you're the line judge on these things This is right up my alley Excuse us for having a conversation Shuckles over here I know This is the life of the party these days This is I don't know It's making me feel a lot better. Yeah, it is kind of therapeutic.
It's really therapeutic. I think everything feels very heavy right now.
For sure. Even if you're not going through something, things just feel really heavy.
It's okay to talk about it, you know. Agreed.
I think you have to. And it is like absorbing the, because I'm from LA.
I just moved. Like we sold our house in December and gave the keys to the new owners on January 24th.
So like right after the fires. And we were supposed to come back and pack up the house that we've lived in for 11 years and say goodbye to the house and have all these people over.
Where are you moving to? New York,ork baby all right yeah yeah that just happened and like take alfie to disneyland and do all this shit and we couldn't come back because of the fires and being in new york and watching it i have this is my hometown but i've like talked so much shit about la and what it means and how it's changed and how it's gotten worse. And I'm sensing a theme in my overall personality.
Do you have more Prozac? Yeah. No, right? I got to up it to 20 milligrams.
Also, Prozac is new and we'll recommend, really. We can do an ad for them.
I mean, I'm, like, obviously loud and proud about it. Maybe I'll regret this part of it.
No, no. But yeah.
So watching it from afar was really strange. And seeing like my hometown go through this, I felt like this groundswell of love for L.A., which hasn't gone away.
I think this city is amazing. I think Altadena specifically is amazing.
Like what they're doing. And that was like the LA.
I didn't grow up in Altadena, but I grew up like in the Miracle Mile. And it was much more that vibe than let's say the Palisades vibe, which is its own unimaginable, like I don't even know, tragedy.
But there's something about like the Angelenos who are from here, who aren't in the business, who just like have regular jobs, regular families, and like you're just doing it in LA. Like that was my upbringing.
And I have so much love for this city. And it was really horrible to be away because all of us like in New York who are from LA kind of huddled together because you'd go into, you know, when it was like actively happening or just kind of starting, I like went to get my hair.
I was like, how you doing? I'm like, well, not great. Like L.A.'s on fire.
It's like, oh, yeah. You know, when you're not from L.A., you don't live there.
It's just like L.A. has fires.
It's just like another thing that's happening somewhere else. And when it's your home, it's crazy.
And so like my dad obviously passing away was brutal. And then I've stuck around for these couple weeks and feeling the sadness of LA has been really intense.
But also, everyone in New York is like, it reminds us of 9-11. People are really coming together and building each other up.
And the community, that was the main kind of complaint I had about LA. There's no community.
And there so is. And I feel like an asshole for saying that.

I lived in New York during 9-11, and one of my clearest memories is going out to dinner,

and the waitress would come over, the wait person would come over and say,

you know, would you guys like to start off with some drinks?

And we'd say, well, how are you?

And then the person would end up sitting down at the table and we would all chat and i remember thinking this is this weird um eden that we're all living in where all the old societal norms have gone out the window and people were really talking to each other and if the bartender you ask the bartender you ask whoever's uh you the person in the store, how are you? Where do you live? How are you doing? And that happened in New York City. And then I remembered it going away.
Like, that's humanity just has this way of, if you hit a human being over the head with a big stick, he behaves himself for like six hours and then goes back to being whatever he was before. And I know that this too shall pass, but it is, you do, it's lovely while it's happening.
And I'm noticing, I just keep having these great conversations with, I think I mentioned this, but there was, had to go to Sundance for something. And I, there was a woman who was driving me to the event in Utah, uh, from Salt Lake to, to Sundance and started chatting with her.
And it turned out she lived in LA and I said, well, how's your place? And she said, well, my place burned to the ground and she's driving me. And we just had this intense conversation.
And I thought, well, this is kind of what it's supposed to be all the time. Exactly.
Which is, how are you?

What's going on in your life?

Not to drive me, driver.

Yeah.

Where are the Tic Tacs?

Which is what I reverted to by the end of the drive.

Oh, you got back there.

Enough of your whining.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, your house.

Where are my Tic Tacs?

Yeah.

He's a spearmint.

I wanted the fruity kind.

Sorry they burned in the fire, sir. That's no excuse.
Oh, my God. A burnt Tic Tac's the best one.
Yeah, so it's just perspective and empathy and all that kind of stuff isn't something you attain. It is a practice, and it goes away, and we all find ourselves drifting away from it, and then something happens, and we get pulled back into it.
Yeah, I wonder. I mean, have you felt, because I'm nervous about that, just like how everybody was like showing up and flooding the GoFundMes or whatever.
And like you're saying, like everything, people move on to the next thing eventually. This is going to be a long recovery.
Do you feel that it's still as intense no no no i don't i i mean i even asked if i would still get a discount somewhere and they're like oh we stopped doing that a week ago that was really the sign because when it first happened you would walk into a store and and and tell people that you had lost your home and they would give you this discount 20 how long did that last was that three weeks that was like a few weeks and then uh i went into a store i'm not going to say which one but i was like hey i lost my home in the fire do you guys have a discount and they're like oh we stopped doing that a week ago if anything there's a surcharge yeah i know i know the sad thing is when it was a 99 cent store i know i want this scrunch. Do you have a discount, ma'am? I know.
It's 50 cents. I think that there's still people.
I mean, there's still the empathy there. It's still there.
There's still some feeling of it, but it is waning a lot. It is very quick how quickly people kind of just move on.
To be fair, I would often go to a McDonald's and tell them or a a Cheesecake Factory, and tell them I had lost my home in a fire, even when I hadn't. But you did it.
You're taking my discounts. I know.
And they would be like, that sounds terrible. And I'd say, so this McFlurry.
What are we talking about here? Can I get 80 cents on the dollar? And sometimes I'd put a little ash on my cheek. I did! What? I'm just telling you the real me.
I kept, always keep a little ash in your pocket. Oh my God.
You can get a discount. It's not like I had ash ever on my face.
Well, you fucked up. You're not so okay.
You'd be having a, you'd be having a discount McFlurry right now. She had a little ash in your pocket.
Why didn't you work up your orphan angle instead of the fire one? There seems to be this consensus that I'm too old. Okay.
Which I don't get, because I think I'm very well preserved for a man my age. Ah, gee, I lost my parents.
Do you have any soup? Sir, I saw you drive up in a Porsche. Yeah, but I'm not rich.

A cash poor.

A cash poor.

Ascent rich.

I have a lot of land in Montana.

In Vast Holdings, but I can't access it.

Can I have some soup?

All my money's tied up in a holdings.

It takes 24 hours to get the bank in Sweden to All right. What's your name? Billy.
You're changing your name? Billy does work better. It's a better name for me.
What's the name you were thinking of naming your son but didn't? Mickey. That's a good one.
Mickey. Mickey the orphan.
orphan. Mickey the 61 year old orphan.
It counts. Who's done quite well.
It counts. It's so fucking dark.
It really is, isn't it? I'm sorry, but my parents would laugh at it. I can say that now because they're not here.
They would laugh at that. Like them in the afterlife.
No, we wouldn't. You asshole.
We never liked you. I am going to get back on track here.
Yeah, take it back. And I'm going to get back on track to one of the things that makes me very happy for you.
Okay. Is that I think it is a wonderful era for people who have what it takes, have ability, and have a work ethic.
And you have all those things, and you're getting to do consistently this really cool work. You have this project now, Zero Day.
And I was looking at the cast. This is on Netflix.
And I'm like, you know, I've had so many people sit in the chair that you're in, and people talk a lot about body dysmorphia and how people can think they look a certain way and they don't and they hate on themselves. And I consistently believe that there's something called career dysmorphia that hasn't been diagnosed yet.
And I'd like to invent that and submit that to the New England Journal of Medicine. But I've had Al Pacino sat in that chair and talked so much about the huge chunks of his career that didn't work out and how they didn't want him for the godfather and how he couldn't get a job in movies in the late 80s and thought he was through and how he thinks all the bad reviews people told him about and i kept wanting to cut him him off and saying, you're Al Pacino.
You're the face of film for at least the 70s. You do iconic work in every decade.
And you have it too. It's just so funny to me that you would talk about, oh, you know, the fallow periods, and maybe I could do more if I got the word out on my chia seed recipe and you're in zero day on netflix your co-stars are robert de niro angela bassett connie britain jesse plemons and matthew modine yes dan stevens it's what it's gabby hoffman it's the craziest cast and it's the best work i see now is limited series series is our cinema.
And I like limited series too. I like watching them and doing them.
It just feels like a very long movie. I haven't seen Zero Day.
My dad died. I don't know if we mentioned that.
So I haven't watched the screeners which is bad because I do want to watch it. That's interesting.
I'm trying to picture you watch yourself. I hate it.
Yeah, I would imagine you would. I don't always hate it, but I do want to watch this one because it's fairly dense and complex and I want to be able to like talk about it.
It's topical, a little like eerily topical. I hope people are in the mood to watch something that looks a lot like what's happening in reality, but it's kind of this horror show version of it.
Very smart people made this show. Very smart people were in this show.
And I don't know, it's ensemble enough that I think I could watch it without hating the experience too much. But I think it's good.
I mean, I had a great time doing it it was surreal you oftentimes like the don't meet your heroes thing rings very very true it didn't on this like de niro's like just a nice man it was like a kind generous man i always think so leslie linkaglatter who directed all the episodes and she did did Homeland, and she's the president of the DGA. She's like a badass, incredible woman.
She's done a bunch of movies. She's wonderful.
And she directed every episode. And her vibe on set is she did one episode of Masters of Sex in the first season.
And I wanted her to be our all the time director but she was doing homeland so she didn't um she maintains this on-set energy that i don't even like it's six months it's six months to shoot this um robert de niro has never done a television show i believe he didn't know what he was getting into in terms of like the time like how much time it takes and like the hours and he was in everything um but the first day of shooting on that the crew is always in a good mood for everything on the first day the last day six months later everybody was in as good of a mood the vibes were so good it was just like a job that felt important but at the same time right size in terms like in your real life like you'd go to work and you'd go home and these people didn't need to be like your best friends and you didn't need it was just like it felt very grown up like adult but also really fun right i don't know it was great it was a great experience and we honestly like during the strike which was the last fun thing just taking it back to like the doldrums again um we were supposed to start this june of last year maybe i don't know what year it is yeah we were supposed to do like june to december and that was the strike and we ended up doing january to the next june so it was a full year and everybody stayed on board everybody was just as excited and we knew we got to like- Which is rare because usually that's when people say, you know, I got this play I'm going to go do in the West End. It was nothing.
And even just having that moment of like, well, everybody else or so many other people were really stressed out about what they were going to do and work and all of this, like that Netflix is probably not going to shelve the Robert De Niro series like it just felt like we had a safety net at a time when there wasn't a lot of safety nets and again like if it's just the experience which for me is truly the only part I like of this whole job like it was a great experience and I think it really good. And I think you should definitely watch it.

America.

So we can be.

Which camera are you looking to?

America.

The American camera. Okay, there we go.

Hey, America.

Okay, that's China.

Yeah.

Let's just make it the number one show on Netflix

till the next thing comes out on Netflix, America.

The last observation that I will make is, and I'm certain I'm right about this, as dire as things are right now, and this is my need to be optimistic, but I also think this is accurate. Let's say you could go back in time to what you would consider like the classic period of making entertainment.
And it's like the 1930s, the 1940s. They would have watched you in Mean Girls and they would have said, she's great.
She's really funny. That's what she does.
And that's what you would have done for the next 50 years of your career. And because we live in this different era, there's nothing you can't do in this era.
Whereas they would have definitely put you in a slot. Yeah.
And you would have been punished for being really good at one thing and they never would have seen the other thing. Even if that means there's iPhones and other problems.
I love Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos. I just want to say they have been on their yachts many times.
I bet you have. You're yacht guy I know my yachts you got big yacht energy that's the only big energy I have I have big yacht energy no I love a big yacht I like being invited I like being at the beck and call of a billionaire oh yeah and then when they say like dance for us i do a little something that makes more and then i get a krugerrand a gold coin in case anyone doesn't know what that is um i also think that even like not in the 30s like in in recent times they would typecast you and pigeonhole you and now it's like only it's very new to not have that happen like in the past 20 years maybe right, you can do more than one thing.
Right. But a lot of people do find themselves like stuck in a lane and it sucks.
I'm stuck doing one thing because that's what I can. That's not true.
That's not true. I heard.
I, but I'm saying happily, I'm happily stuck in my lane. You're not stuck in a lane though, because I just read that you were incredible in your Sundance movie.
Okay. As a male gigolo.
This orphan thing is working for you. Yeah, that's how I got the part.
Yeah. I'm an orphan.
Yeah, I'm an orphan. Why am I getting smaller and squeakier as an orphan? I don't know.
But Lizzie, this was a lovely conversation. This is so surreal.
I feel like we're just starting it. No, but this was- There should have been more jokes.
You have dysmorphia. There should have been laughter.
Well, we're going to put laughter over all the parts. Oh, that's right.
When you talk about losing your dad, when you talk about losing your dad and I talk about losing my parents, we're just going to pipe in laughter from the 1940s that would be amazing i love lucy laughs yeah um uh nothing has changed it's only you've only today confirmed my feelings about you lizzie which is you're one of my all-time favorite people you are uh incredibly hyper insanely talented and you're a real person and every time i see you you're lizzie kaplan and you're very wise

and uh just a delight to be with you thank you very much i'm gonna say it zero day netflix if

you're not watching it you stupid yeah you're stupid yeah don't be stupid watch zero day

come on why isn't that gonna be the tagline? No, that is the tagline. I mean, De Niro's been saying that on everything.
I mean, Mother's Day is coming. It's a special time.
I remember the time I made my mom breakfast in bed and I brought it to her and then I spilled it on her lap. Oh, geez.
The orange juice went everywhere. Oh, God.
Flapjacks were flying. I really screwed up.
She never forgave me. Sorry, Mom.
It's hard to find a gift for a mom because what do you give a superhero? Macy's is going to help you give the gift of luxury at a great price with makeup and fragrance sets or skincare products from the brand everyone loves. Like, I don't know, I'm just going to couple off the top of my head, Lancome, Clinique, Estee Lauder.

Macy's has the fashion too, of course.

You'll be able to find just the right clothing, shoes,

and accessories to match whatever style of

mom you have in your life.

With all the best brands and newness for the

season in stores now, it's the perfect

time to head to Macy's. What kind of mom

are you? Are you a fancy mom, cool mom,

laid-back mom, biker mom? I'm definitely a

cool mom. I don't know, you're kind of a nerd mom.

I'm a nerd mom. Okay, it's coming from you.

Wow. You got your glasses, they're

And Are you a fancy mom, cool mom, laid back mom, biker mom? I'm definitely a cool mom. I don't know.
You're kind of a nerd mom. Oh, I'm a nerd mom.
Okay, it's coming from you. Wow.
You got your glasses. They're taped up in the middle.
I just made a robot in the garage. So make a Mother's Day this Mother's Day.
Let Macy's be your guide to gifting for Mother's Day. Shop now online or in store.
This message is brought to you by BetterHelp. You know, a lot of people say therapy costs a lot of money.
But think about it. You're investing in your own mental health, in your state of mind.
So let's talk numbers. Traditional in-person therapy can cost anywhere from $100 to $250 per session.
That adds up fast. But with BetterHelp online therapy, you can save on average up to 50% per session.
So it's really not that expensive. With BetterHelp, you pay a flat fee for weekly sessions.
That's saving you big on cost and on time. Now, therapy should be accessible.
It should feel accessible. It shouldn't feel like a luxury.
With online therapy, you get quality care at a price that makes sense. Your mental health is worth it.
Now it's within reach. With over 30,000 therapists,

BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform

having served over 5

million people globally. That's a lot

of people. That's a lot of people.

Thanks, Sonia. Sorry, that was my

contribution to this. Wow.

I wasn't sure 5 million people globally

was a lot of people until you

chimed in. It is.

I think you need some online therapy.

It's convenient too. You can join a session was a lot of people until you chimed in.

It is.

I think you need some online therapy. It's convenient, too.
You can join a session with the click of a button, helping you fit therapy into your busy life, plus switch therapists at any time. That's a great convenience.
Your well-being is worth it. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Conan to get 10% off your first month.
That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Conan. Recently on the podcast, we talked about how you could mail into a comic book advertisement and get the Polaris nuclear submarine.
Yes. The only thing I'll add to that, this was many years ago.
I don't think it's still true, but when I was a kid, probably around 1970, 71 on the back magazine there were these things that you could on the back of a comic book there were things you could send away with one of them famously was like x-ray specs and it showed a guy i mean it's so not pc today but a guy looking at a woman in a dress and the idea was that you put these on you can see through her dress oh good yeah how many of those did you buy? 700. And they do work.
Yeah. One of the things that really intrigued me was, give us, I don't know what it was.
Seven dollars. Seven dollars.
And we'll send you a working mini Polaris sub that fires missiles. You can get inside.
It has a periscope. Now, I never did it, but all these years later, it floats into my mind every now and then.
What the hell was that thing? What did you, because legally, if you send them $7, they have to send you something. And so we brought it up and you remembered it too.
Yeah, I did. And I remember the hovercraft too, and they're distinctly two different things.
Okay. So the submarine does send you a submarine, but apparently it's been very hard for people to track down.
And I found the third point of Singularity blog. It looks like they went on a kind of hunt themselves and ultimately found it.
It's the other tab, Eduardo, if you don't mind. And this is what you end up getting.
And it's like a cardboard submarine. Oh, my God.
Wait a minute. I swear to God, that kid looks like me.

Yeah.

I mean, that's what I looked like back in the day.

He's got the same bull haircut,

the same look of just defeat.

Oh.

No, no, no.

But that, wait a minute.

That, I have to say,

looks more impressive than I thought.

Really?

Because I see just cardboard that's kind of pinned together

and certainly not going to do well on the water.

Oh.

But isn't that nice?

He's using his imagination.

Isn't that the whole point?

Does it fire a missile?

Okay.

It's all right.

Okay.

So I don't know.

This is helping me.

This is actually therapeutic. This is giving me some closure because that's something.
Yeah. You get inside and it does close and it's got, I mean, seven bucks.
I guess this is seven bucks back then. Yeah.
So now this would be the equivalent of like $35. That's true.
So, or $50. I don't know.
Times have changed. It's so funny.
He looks so far from water. I know.
I mean, he's like, he's in the Midwest. There isn't a body of water for 800 miles.
And he's like, see you later. For the listener, this looks like a cardboard submarine seated in the middle of a big lawn.
Yeah. And there's a fence way in the backyard and then power lines.
All you can see is just lawn and no ocean. It's fun.
So how fun is that? Isn't that fun? If you're a little kid, you're not going to go to the ocean and go in a submarine. I used to make things out of boxes.
I used to too. I used to, if a big box came in, it was just a done deal that either Luke or I would get to build something with it.
So I don't know. I'm, I'm, I am not disappointed by that.
Me neither. That actually looks like, looks better than I thought it was going to look.
Yeah, me too. I'm impressed.
So this, this, this, I salute this company and I think this should have been used by the military. The thing that I more remember was this hovercraft.
Okay. When I said last time that I thought it was a kit, that's what the hovercraft is.
You were supposed to take your motor out of your vacuum and build this hovercraft. So let's go to the other tab here.
This must have thrilled your parents. I know.
When they went to use the vacuum. Does this look familiar to you? Yes.
Lifts 200 pounds. Yes.
Nothing about this looks familiar. And then scroll down and you can see on this blog.
Wait, go back up to see what this blog is named. Dwyer and Michaels.
Okay. Alright.
This guy actually built the vacuum. Okay.
And here's the order. Astronauts iron on with order.
Okay. You can float on air free.
Lifts 200 pounds. So basically, yeah, a hovercraft you could build.
I remember this. Yeah, now scroll down and you can see that the guy built it.
Okay, there's a bunch of other ads. Oh boy.
That's it. He's building it? Yeah.
Okay, well there you go. And then, yeah, play that video.
What? Look at that. Oh, I know this website.
It's called Bad Use of Your Time.

Well, I'm supposed to do dialysis today,

but I figured I'll build this hovercraft from the 60s.

I mean, that's kind of cool.

We can't get enough air from a vacuum.

Oh.

Ah, got him.

He wasn't looking. But no kid that's, you know,

an eight-year-old kid is going to be able to build that.

I guess it's a nice project with your, you know,

scout troop leader or your dad.

Big problem here is you have to take the motor

out of your parents' vacuum cleaner.

And that was not going to fly in my house.

No kid from the 50s that took the motor

out of their vacuum cleaner would get away unscathed.

Also, how do you do that?

How do you just take a motor

out of a vacuum?

Why do they think an eight-year-old

would even know how to do that?

Okay.

Yeah.

That's fine.

I'm asking the real questions,

but you guys are being nostalgic.

I agree.

Wait.

No, I'm not.

Don't throw me into this bus.

Yeah, just because we don't answer

every one of your questions.

Well, you stare at me confused.

I just don't know why I hired you.

That's a look that goes back to... You don't have...
Shh. Don't think about it.
Don't think about it. 2008 questions.
Shh. Do, do, do, do, do.
Chachachachachachachachachachachachachachachachachachachachach. Good.
That's what I... I now know what Rosebud means.
That helped me. That helped me.
How? Why? I don't know. Because it was a mystery that never got solved.
It was an itch that never got scratched. It was a riddle that never had an answer.
And now you have shown me what it was. Do you remember, too, like the x-ray gogs? There was also a thing where you could go from being a scrawny little kid to a big kind of like buff guy.
And there's a little picture of tough guy kicking sand on the little guy on the beach. Yeah, those are called steroids.
That's called a comic book? That's called juicing. I don't know what they were promising.
They were just probably sending you a booklet that says take two soup cans from mom's kitchen and start using them to make a bicep. But I, now we know what that is, which is medical grade chemicals that will transform your body.
And I don't know because I'm on them. How long have you been on them? Sadly, I've been on them for my entire life.
Oh no. What would you have looked like? I'd have had no skeletal structure.
Well, that was fun. Thank you for doing that.
That helped me. And I hope it helped everyone else who listens from my generation who remembers that.
Sona, you seem confused. I am completely confused.
But I also, I mean, I think that every generation has like toys and stuff that like kind of dupe you. Yeah, exactly.
What was yours? McDonald's Monopoly. Oh, that's different because that was Rick.
But I was thinking of the SpyTech gear. Do you guys remember the spy tech stuff? It was like a bunch of gear that they sold to kids that was supposed to help you be a better spy.
I remember this. There was a mirror periscope.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a microphone or like a, not a microphone, but something you held up so you could hear things from further away.
And so, and it didn't work? I don't know. I think we bought a bunch of it.
I don't think any of it worked. Were you doing actual spying? Yeah, on our neighbors.
We would go around our neighbors, hide behind bushes and try to spy on them. Do you ever hear anything juicy? No, because they didn't work.
Hey, they're Armenian too. We all live in this neighborhood.
What about you? What did you mention? I mentioned McDonald's Monopoly, although to Sona's point, it's been explained now through documentaries that it was all a scam. It's rigged.
But as a kid, you were sold on the promise of like, oh, if I just buy a bunch of fries and we keep eating at McDonald's and we get these little game pieces, we can win a mansion or some really cool prizes. And you're just constantly after the chase.
Well, the real win there is the health that you got from our generation reminds me of the columbia house records yes i was thinking like a penny for like 19 cds yes for one penny you know i have to say all of these things are true disappointments the sub is looking pretty good yeah now that you mentioned i mean and i'm just saying I'm happy because the one I dreamed about the most actually appears to be somewhat valid. Would I take it deep into the North Atlantic and attack a Russian sub? Probably not.
But that kid seemed pretty happy. That kid could have been you.
Yeah, that kid could have been me. Yeah.
And then maybe in some other, you know, fold in time, that kid is me. Yeah.
You know? Well, this has been a strange end to any conversation. I'm going to sign off now, but dreams deferred.
We'll continue. It's the new segment.
Peace out, Tupac. Oh, geez.
Live your dreams or your dreams live you. I have no ending for this, so I'll just keep no please until I hit something just say bye and we end or do we a beginning becomes a reality as we finalize we'll see you next he's turning my sound off Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam Avsessian, and Matt Gourley.

Produced by me, Matt Gourley.

Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao.

Theme song by The White Stripes.

Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

Take it away, Jimmy.

Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair,

and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns.
Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn.
You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847

and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode.
You can also get three free

months of SiriusXM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash Conan. And if you haven't already,

please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. Calling all fun lovers and memory makers, Texas invites you to cheer from our stadiums and dance like no one is watching.
Culture seekers can find the art that truly inspires. And from our shopping hubs to our chic boutiques, fashionistas will never leave empty-handed.
Texas is an unforgettable experience that's waiting just for you. Visit TravelTexas.com and plan your trip today.
Let's Texas. This episode is sponsored by E-Trade from Morgan Stanley.
Dive into the market with E-Trade's easy-to-use tools,

and now there's even more to love.

Get access to expert insights from Morgan Stanley

to help navigate the markets.

Open an account and get up to $1,000 or more

with a qualifying deposit.

Learn more at E-Trade.com.

Terms and other fees apply.

Investing involves risks.

Morgan Stanley Smith Barney LLC member SIPC.

E-Trade is a business of Morgan Stanley.