Surviving Trauma: How Near-Death Shapes Us I David Ferrugio DSH #1341

where I was in a dream, which is probably not the same thing, but multiple times I was aware

I was in a dream and, but every dream happened to be an impending death. Whoa.
And I've always, you know, everyone has those dreams that you die at the end, but usually you wake up. You can't sit like recreate death in your dreams.
They say, yeah, and it happened, but there was one dream that I had. I still have no idea what it meant, but I remember I was on a balcony overview and like a skid

alright guys out here in LA with

David from the dead talks podcast. Thanks for coming on, man.
Thanks for having me, brother. Absolutely.
So your podcast is a very interesting one. It's about dead people and the purpose of life and everything, right? I mean, dead people show up.
I mean, I talk about death. That's the whole, the whole premise is to normalize the conversation around death in many capacities.
Yeah. Which is needed by the way.
Cause when I was a kid, I used to fear death and I had no one to talk to about it. What, what scared you? I don't know.
Cause I didn't lose someone close to me until I was my grandmother. So I was, yeah, I guess 10 years old.
Okay. And I get that might've sparked it.
Yeah. And then I just started fearing it from there on.
I'm just pretty calm as part of the process of why I want to talk about it. Yeah.
I don't know if it eliminates the fear fully, but I think facing it is part of that. Well, I think that awareness is the first step at least.
I agree. Right.
Yeah. But now I don't think I fear it anymore, if that makes sense.
Where are you at with it? I've accepted it, but I don't want to happen right now. That's fair.
I hope not. Yeah.
It ruined the episode right now. Yeah.
But instead of like, but instead of fearing it, like living every day, like, Oh, I don't want to die. Like, I don't think like that anymore.
Yeah. I, I try to think of that.
I'm not scared of it. I don't, it freaks me out, but I think being freaked out is different than being scared.
Yeah. That's just me.
Definitely freaks me out. Especially as we get older, we know more and more people that are experiencing it.
Yeah. Yeah.
It happened to me at a young age where I think opened my eyes to it. So I think that was the first step to what I'm doing now.
How old were you? I mean, I've had people die before my dad, which was the big one, if you will. Yeah.
But when he passed, it was, uh, I was 12. Holy crap.
Yeah. That's young.
Yeah. Pretty young.
That mess you up for a long time. I mean, still does probably, I guess I always think about the weird things that I do or my flaws, if you will.
I'm like, does that come from that? It would make sense. It would, but maybe that's just me.
But yeah, I'm definitely affected me for sure. Yeah.
It's hard not to. And that one was super unexpected.
Like he just went to work that day. No signs.
Yeah. I mean, I don't know where you want to get into with the story, but for those of you that don't know who I am, my dad died on September 11th, if you've heard of it.
And he was just, yeah, went to work that day. So he wasn't a firefighter or on the plane.

He was on Canter Fitzgerald,

which lost the most people, I believe.

So 105th floor.

So he honestly had no chance

because the plane hit below his floor.

Damn, so 105th lost the most people.

I don't know about the floor,

but it's company, Canter Fitzgerald.

So they lost the most people

because I think all their offices

were around the 105th floor,

maybe 104, 106, whatever. But yeah, they lost the most people because I guess they had the most people that were on the higher floors.
Jeez. Yes.
Wow. That's the crazy part because obviously I lost my dad that day, but it was a public grief, if you will, because there were so many other people.
So you can't, I can't forget the people that died with them. So it was like this communal grief that happened, but still isolating because it was my father.
Wow. So it was a little contradicting in that aspect.
Yeah, that is nuts. And then from there, you really, is that when you started the purpose of like finding out the meaning of life or did that kind of take some time? I mean, if you're looking for the meaning of life for me, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but you're not going to find that.
But I've definitely, you know, I've hunted for some sort of meaning in my own life. And I think the meaning in your own life ends up being the meaning of life in general, because it's personal to you.
I agree. I don't think there's a universal meaning.
Maybe, maybe there is, but I don't know it. Some religions teach it that way, but I think just focus on yourself works for me at least.
Yeah. I think there's, I think there's maybe a foundation and that comes to kind of the cliche aspects where it's love, compassion, yada, yada, yada.
So I think there are some universals that can apply to everyone, but not everyone will apply that. Agreed.
Um, who have been some of your more memorable interviews that kind of stuck with you? You've interviewed a lot of people, right? Yeah. Not as much as you, you're a thousand a day, but I I've had about 200 episodes now and you know, they're all, I have my favorites for different reasons and the most memorable for me, just personal, whether it's going to be the first one you're going to want to listen to, whoever's listening, my mom, because that was the first conversation that I've had that was extremely personal in regards to getting my family on and talking about a mother to son.
So that was personal to me. A recent one with a comedian, Ari Shafir was probably my most fun one because it was just banter.
And I have a very sick sense of so I love when humor is attached to conversations like this so Ari was a special one especially because that was the first episode I ate an edible before the episode started oh god so as the episode goes I'm like progressively getting higher and higher and Ari makes it a lot easier so Ari was definitely one of my favorites just because he's hilarious and it was more laid back I don't think I could do a pot on an edible man I didn't think I could either it was a rate I warned him I I warned him. I was like, I don't know how this is going to go, but let's give it a shot.
And I think it worked out. I mean, I'm going to look like an idiot, but I don't really care.
I'm going to watch that one for sure. Yeah, good luck.
How many MGs was it? Wasn't much. That's the confusing part.
I don't know if I bought one that was stronger than the usual, but it was like five. I'm good on five.
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Click the link below to learn more. Maybe it's because it was before noon that hit me differently.
And if you were fasting, it hits you harder. I don't remember if I ate.
I had a lot of coffee. Oh, edible plus coffee.
That's dangerous. Is it? Maybe.
I guess coffee is already pretty energizing. Yeah.
I don't know. It hit me a lot more than I thought.
So, but it was a good, that was a good episode. I mean, amongst that I've talked to so many different people.
I've had scientists, I've had a ex war veterans, a lot of near death experiences. So a lot of the near death experience episodes definitely, you know, pick my radar up.
Cause it's interesting. That's the one I wanted to ask you about.
You had a doctor who had studied thousands of near death experiences. I believe that was Dr.

Jeffrey long.

He's,

he's been on some big pocket.

I think Theo Vaughn had him on.

He,

that's what he does.

He doesn't seem like he's had a near death experience,

but I believe he's a neurosurgeon and he's studies thousands of them.

Cause there are thousands of them.

And I just,

I always wonder,

you know,

if you pick through the weeds,

how many of these are legitimate and how many people are just,

maybe it was just a dream,

but there's just so many stories. And I guess you could like, is everyone, is everyone just lying about it? But there's so many, including one that I've had, not me personally, but within my family.
So like a reliable source, if you will, there's just too many to me to at least deny it where you should at least be asking questions. And it's thousands of people that don't even know each other and they report similar incidences.
Yeah. And I guess the, you know, my logical brain and what my belief system is, you could always go back to, okay, maybe they're listening to each other and cherry picking.
If you really want to, you know, take the devil's advocate of it, but there, there are, they are all so different, but there are a lot of similar patterns that are going on that make it at least more reputable, if you will, I would think. Yeah, I agree.
You also interviewed psychic sisters, three psychic sisters, along with plenty of other mediums and whatnot. I guess I like to cover all the grounds, regardless of my beliefs and let the audience decide what's real or whatnot.
I believe in that stuff, but you got to kind of keep your whiskers up as to who's talking bullshit. Of course, I believe in it too, man.
Was there a specific instant for you that made you believe in it? Not a specific instant. I mean, it's mostly been stories from other people.
I haven't had a holy shit moment when it comes to mediums. I mean, some close encounters, I guess.
Actually, that's a lie. There's one story that wasn't even a paid session, which made it even more significant for me because it happened by accident, if you want me to share that.
Yeah, please. So in 2023, my mom went into a cardiac arrest.
I was, without telling you all the boring details. I was landing in London, turned on my phone, found out, flew straight back.
And we didn't know if my mom was going to make it. And spoiler alert, she's fine, which is great.
She, she made it out there with no significant damage, which is wild in itself. But I remember my mom came out of the, not coma a few hours, she started coming out of it in the ICU.
And she started thinking that she just saw her father.

It's like,

I said,

where's,

where's,

where's John?

Like,

what do you mean?

John to grandpa,

John,

like me and my sisters looked at each other.

We're like,

grandpa,

John died before I was born.

I never met him.

So we had to break it down.

So I believed in the time that she did see her father.

I wasn't going to ruin her life by saying immediately he's dead,

but I had to take her there.

And she started crying as if it was the first time she just found out her father died, regrieving this experience, just forgetting that her father died. And at that time I was kind of calculating.
I was like, I think she just had an experience. And as time went on, one of the mornings I went back from the hospital and my sisters took my place.
I got a text from my sister saying, Hey mom, remember seeing dad. And at that exact time around 12 PM, when I got that text text from my sister I got a message on instagram from a medium amber that I had on the podcast That just randomly messaged me the exact same time frame And she just sent a nice message sending me love and light And kind of giving me permission to ask more questions.
She needs to say hey your dad just contacted me But I said that's weird You messaged me because my mom just said that she felt my dad or she felt remembering that she just saw him while she was dead while she was quote unquote dead. And she said, wow, that's wild.
You just told me because your dad was just bothering me and said that your mom, her time paraphrasing, but she said, your mom's not supposed to be here. She's supposed to go back.
And as much as I love her, I don't want to see her anytime soon. And I hope that she learns that she needs to start loving herself more than she starts loving other people.
Cause my mom is always caring about other people, a little, always worried about those people and other people as opposed to herself. So it was just a wild experience to me because she messaged me the exact same time that my dad, my mom remembered my father and with the message that was similar to what she said she experienced.
My dad sent her back. She had a message of that.
So I think the timing of it is like, again, I go back and forth of the devil's advocate. Is this real? Is this not? But when you put all those pieces together, I don't, I don't know what else to make of it.
I don't believe in coincidences actually. I don't either.
Honestly, I don't either. And I feel like coincidences are just the meaning you give the moment.
Yeah. I used to, but now as I've gotten older and seen stuff happen like that, I'm like, all right, something's going on here.
You know, there's something in the air. That's crazy.
Was that Amber Kavanaugh? Yes. She's been on the show.
Oh yeah. She's great.
Yeah. Dude.
I mean, her life is crazy. She doesn't remember the past three years of her life.
I mean, that's wild. Yeah.
She wakes up every day thinking it's like 2020 or something. I mean, I barely, I just almost lost my phone.
So I kind of relate,

but not that, that extravagance. Yeah.
Like she told me literally, she's not going to remember the podcast. I was filming with her live.
And that's scary. Isn't that nuts? That's I mean,

every day is a new day, I guess, but yeah, her story is wild because one of, with her story,

there's a lot that I've learned from these experiences of near-death experiences that

are very similar. Like a lot of the stuff that she's expressing, I've heard from other people.
And I feel like it's just a pattern as everyone's saying the same thing for a reason, but it's, it's something to question. Yeah.
You hear a lot of people saying they see loved ones. They see past pets that have been deceased.
Yeah. That's it.
And it's always deceased loved ones. So people say, Oh, it's just maybe your brain just this, that, and the other.
But when my mom had her near death, if you want to call it that she didn't think of us. And my mom's only thinking of her kids, her nephews and her grandchildren.
Like that is all that's on her mind. So you think someone in my mom's nature for my personal example, if she's in this place and her mind is just taking her on this journey, that's not quote unquote real.
She'd be like thinking about me, my sisters, her nephews. No, it was always deceased loved ones.
So I feel like that alone, again, it's just, I'm not saying this is so, but it makes me makes me question these patterns again, or just like, I don't know what else to say about it. That's a good point.
Cause no one's ever been like, Oh, I saw my son who's still alive when I was dying. The only example I heard, I forget who told me that told me that they saw their dog, but the dog was still alive.
So that was the first example of someone that was still alive and it was their animal. But then that animal died like three days later.
And I think it was Amber. Whoa.
I may be wrong. Maybe the animal was having a near death experience too.
Something along the lines of the dog was trying to bark at something. Damn.
Well, they say dogs can send spirits and stuff. Yeah.
They're tapped into something different. You think so? I think so.
Yeah. I think so too.
My dog be barking at the wall. I'm like, fuck, is there a ghost there? Yeah.
Maybe someone, you know, I don't know who it is. Not the wall.
Yeah. Well, I believe in astral travel too.
Yeah. I know how that works i understand it but i don't know how how do people do that have you ever done psychedelics oh yeah so have you done ayahuasca no yeah okay so basically that's the best example i could think of basically your soul leaves your body and that's astral travel but how do people tap it do tap into it intentionally or just happens through these processes psychedelics it happens through that but some people can control like It's called remote viewing have you heard oh yeah yeah yeah yeah cia shit so they can control their body to do that on my command which is nuts that i would like to tap into ayahuasca is coming up soon i'm scared to do that one i'm terrified but i i want to do it you think it's calling you right now they say it has to call you it's been calling me for a while but i've been waiting for it to actually knock on my door and i think i think i'm in a good place now where i'd be ready i just i'm still gonna be scared yeah but i mean just because you're scared doesn't mean you shouldn't do something and that's the important part right place right time for psychedelics right place right time for more right place than i think even right time in my opinion yeah the setting's so important because i've had bad moments during trips where like some random kid will pull up i'm like yeah the first time i did mushrooms in high school who's literally the worst environment literally but the worst environment i could have done i remember i was waiting for it to kick in and some dude tyler i don't know where the hell he is right now but he was staring at me i'm like why is first of all why the fuck are you staring at me second he goes i heard people on mushrooms want to kill themselves i'm like thanks man appreciate it I'm 25 minutes about to have this experience, and that's what's in my head.

I ended up throwing up.

It was a horrible experience.

Time was going in reverse.

It was horrible.

Yeah, I threw up too one time.

That was nasty.

Apparently, that makes it more intense.

Oh, it does?

I don't know.

Fact check that,

but I thought it would get it out of my system,

but now looking back at it,

after throwing up,

it got even more intense.

It just makes sense.

I've seen my friends have terrible trips.

People think they're dying type trips. Yeah, thanks.
Tyler just fucking Tyler. Did you make him leave? No, I couldn't know.
I didn't have a thought. I didn't even want to be thinking about that.
I was just freaked out. I was just, I still see his eyes.
Oh my God. Demonic.
I wonder where he's at right now. Yeah.
You should hit him up. No.
What's his last name? I don't remember. It's always been Tyler.
I see his face though. Shrooms are my favorite.
Shrooms are the best. I still microdose.
I mean, now I'm at a point where I got, I broke through where now I'm just completely comfortable with it, but it took me some time because my first experience was horrendous. It's kind of a lesson of life.
It's like you have those bad experiences and you work through it and then eventually it turns out to be a blessing. Right.
Cause some people would do that trip and then never do it again, which most people probably wouldn't. Yeah.
You get stuck. People get, people get stuck in one specific event that ends up defining the rest of their life, which isn't the way to me.
Yeah. I, uh, I think whenever I feel stuck in life, I do a little micro dose and it really resets me, dude.
And you're not even tripping. You're just kind of just, uh, balances you out.
Have you done a micro dose? Yeah. More, more than probably heavy doses to be honest.
Yeah. Same.
I haven't done a heavy dose in seven, eight years. I did a heavy dose a couple of years dose a couple years ago it was magic yeah where was it standard cliche went to joshua tree me and my buddy we're like let's have we're both going through some shit like let's just get a nice house let's you and me we set everything up the right way so again the environment just like set us up perfectly and then we went down this rabbit hole where we thought it was over and then we were about to go to sleep but next thing i know we were just tripping next five hours.
And it was, it was more fun than anything, but I had a couple moments of, it was like a, it felt like a real situation where it was healing. But then everything outside of that was, it was more like a fun experience where he thought he met God, but that was, that's questionable.
Yeah. A lot of people say that when they trip, maybe that's true.
I think it's their interpretation of God. He also had his face on a mirror.
So unless God's in the mirror, I don't know. But my face is on the mirror at the same time.
I'm skipping part of the story that's going to make no sense. But we were both in different rooms.
I found out after I found him. Both had our face on a mirror.
It's just ridiculous for anyone that doesn't do mushrooms. But our face was on the mirror.
Just, I don't even know what I was doing, but it was amazing. And then I walked in the other room and found him doing the exact same thing.
Some weird thing going on there. Dude, that's like rule number one, not to look in the mirror when you're tripping.
I know. And that's why I did it.
I remember that. I remember because I remember the first experience I had, I looked in the mirror and it went all downhill.
But I think again, it was me trying to push the limits and just see what I can handle. And it ended up being amazing.
Damn. Damn.
That's nuts. Yeah.
I haven't done it when I'm tripping. I'm too scared.
They say you can notice every single detail. It felt as if I was looking at myself like you were looking at me.
Like I saw myself like, oh, this is what I look like to other people. Maybe.
I didn't really look at it like that. I just saw myself in a mirror knowing it was a mirror, but I felt as if I was looking at myself like people see me.
Yeah, yeah, man. No, I'm big on this stuff, man.
I'm trying to master lucid dreaming right now. Okay, how's that going? And once I do that, lucid dreaming.
How's that going?

Terrible.

Okay.

I've been trying for eight years.

It's tough.

But once I master it, then you can start astral traveling on command.

Okay.

So lucid dreaming is step one.

That's step one.

And you're sober doing that?

Are you tapping in?

I do it like once a week, but you need to be doing it daily.

What is it? I mean, I made this another conversation on the side, but what are the steps to approach

that?

Dream journal, dream signals.

So like time doesn't work in dreams. You constantly check your phone.
If the time's off, you know, you're in a dream. There's a hand one where you can't see your hand while you're dreaming for some reason, like the details.
So just go like this once every five minutes in real life. And then you'll start doing it in your dreams.
Is that what inception was kind of, they had that one item that would confirm if they're in the dream or not. That's kind of what you're saying.
That's a great movie. Fantastic movie.
Yeah. Fantastic movie.
But yeah. Um, have you ever lucid dreamed? Uh, once, but it was by accident.
And I remember I was calling things out. I'm so immature at the time, but I remember I had on a boat, there was a party.
I was like, Oh, I wish there were more women here. And then all of a sudden women poofed.
I was like, Oh man, I'm like, am I controlling this? I was like, I wish all these women wanted me. And all of a sudden they were all pulling me.
They were like all pulling me in. I was like, am I doing this? Is this like just like part of the dream and then nothing cool happened from there but that was the closest i got yeah and it only lasts like 20 seconds once you're aware yeah it felt close that was the closest i've ever gotten there's been there's been dreams that i've had where i was i was aware i was in a dream which is probably not the same thing but multiple times i was aware i was in a dream and but every dream happened to be an impending death whoa and.
And I've always, you know, everyone has those dreams that you die at the end, but usually you wake up. You can't like recreate death in your dreams, they say.
Yeah, and it happened, but there was one dream that I had. I still have no idea what it meant, but I remember I was on a balcony overview in like a city line, like it was New York.
And it looked like Independence Day. Like an alien ship got on top of the city, shot a beam of light down, then it exploded.
But it was so far away that the cascading of the explosion took time to get to us. I remember hearing screams all around me.
I couldn't see anyone. My friend Sam was next to me.
And we knew we were going to die. So I didn't run.
I was like, oh, we're dead. We're dead anyway.
I remember hugging her, telling her I love her. And then as the explosion approached me, I closed my eyes and waited for my death to come.
Felt like a whisking of air. And I was expecting to wait.
I thought I was going to wake up, but the dream continued for the first time where I died and then everything went white. And I felt myself rising up.
And as I was rising up, I remember hearing voices, but I didn't take note of what the voices were saying, but I heard voices speaking to me. And as I was rising up, I was like, oh, I'm dying.
And I guess I'm going to heaven. But then I started thinking of hell.
And as soon as I started thinking of hell, you ever played golden eye as a kid? No. When you die, like blood covers the screen.
I felt the red coming from underneath and it was battling the light and the darkness. There's a battle of back and forth deciding if I was going to get a heaven or hell, then eventually I woke up.
But that was the closest I've gotten beyond death, if you will. But maybe I didn't die.
That's a trippy dream. A little bit.
I, uh, I believe dreams have meanings. I think, I mean, yeah, I think, right.
How, what else are we doing? Cause whenever I have a trippy dream like that, I'll look it up and it would be so spot on to what I'm dealing with in real life. It's like our subconscious talking to us.
I think so. Yeah.
95% of our subconscious, we're not even aware of. So it's like just pulling that shit up.
Some matter, I guess, putting in the puzzle pieces of what it means yeah it actually helps me a lot in business how so because i'll have dreams where like i'll crash a car and then i'll look it up it'll be like you're moving too fast in life and i'll be like all right let me slow down does it matter what car you're driving no it's usually my actual car that i have in real life and you've slowed down and actually yeah i slowed down that dream went away i had one last week where my friend or slash business partner crashed my car so I looked up with that man and meant like I'm giving him too much control in the business and it's almost relatively obvious too if you really just looked at it now yeah if you're just objective with it but most people don't think to actually look up the meanings but the classic one is like you running away from something in your dream which means you're running away from your fear in real life so the reason i tried to master lucid dreaming at first before i even knew about astral projection was because i used to have nightmares every night and i wanted to fight back i used to be running away from a big scary monster it was how long it was this it's always high school every night in high school i'm sorry what was the monster in real life it was like i was running away from fear of uh public judgment and you had to determine what the fear was or the dream told you that uh the dream didn't tell me no it was just a shadowless big figure and you know you run mad slow in your dreams yes so i was like all right fuck this let me like fight back what about uh you seem to know more than i do what about tidal waves and water because that's how i used to die in my dreams so that could either be you died in a past life drowning is common actually. I know a lot of people that's happened to or something else.
I'd have to look that one up. I mean, it's probably a pretty common fear, but definitely drowning freaks me out.
Do you have that fear in real life? When I think about it, yeah. So you probably had a past, have you done past life therapy before? I've done it.
I've tried it once and she didn't get me anywhere. I tried it three times.
Didn't work twice. Tried it with a new girl and it blew my mind.
I need to try it again. I actually paid for five sessions after one.
I forgot. I have to get those four more sessions.
I think you got it. Was that the hypnosis version or was it a different version? It was hypnosis version.
We did it remotely, which I already didn't feel comfortable with. I thought I feel like I'm more comfortable with that person.
But yeah, I didn't go anywhere. And then she was kind of shocked that she didn't.
But I did give her a warning that I feel like I have this weird blockage that I feel like I'm always chasing to break through and I haven't defined even what that blockage is I think it's a form of letting go but I still haven't decided what I'm even what I even have to let go could be a past life thing too I had some past life trauma that I had to clear up I feel I mean I've always said I've I thought I've I'm an old soul a lot of people say that i'm like i've just kind of said it lackadaisically and then amber again she keeps coming up she said i can see people through soul ages meaning not biological ages like by ages of soul and i said so i'm just curious how old do you think i am she's like well there's no number to it but if i had to do it from zero to 100 i say you're like a solid 77 like oh that sounds right i got some time left but i've been around the block yeah so maybe i've drowned a few times you give me old soul vibes man do you that's a compliment was it the shirt the shirt's a banger is that what it is the shirt gives you old soul vibes good cartoon man i'll take it yeah cartoons don't hit like that anymore no and i need to watch it again because you know when you look at old cartoons you realize the real like the a lot of this hidden messages like now you know the wokeness if you want to say i'm curious to see if there's any hidden shit that's really messed up yeah i feel like there wasn't as many back then but we could be biased since it's our era yeah i need to look back at it but this era i mean it's blatant i just tried watching beauty and the beast last night i'm like i can't even watch this why what do you see just like they push the lgbtq stuff dude in the new versions i don't know about that movie specifically but yeah and a lot of the new disney movies and stuff yeah they said these they're planning all these different things that i've never realized when i look back at certain ones like oh fuck that was there yeah i don't want my kids watching that shit personally i don't even have kids yet but yeah that's a whole nother rabbit hole of what i'm gonna do with that but i'm kind of good with myself right now you now. You leaning towards it now, it sounds like.
I'm fine. I don't really, I'm, you know, if I meet the right woman that I'm open, like she might just change my mind, but I'm either way, like I'm down to have kids, but I'm also down not to.
But I think if I met the right woman, I might be like, oh no, we definitely need to have kids. Do you live in LA? Yeah, I live in LA, but I'm trying to get back to New York.
So LA just got voted the worst dating market in America. I mean, I hear that anecdotally.
I don't,

it makes sense.

I guess looking at LA from a distance,

I haven't had that many,

I haven't had a horrible experience myself now.

Okay.

Well,

you also have a big podcast and social media.

Yeah.

In LA,

come on.

I guess.

I mean,

it depends who I'm talking about.

What do you do for a living?

Like I talk about death.

Like what?

I have to explain it.

Ironic.

I remember I was out with my buddy.

We started talking to a girl and she was asking what we do. I was like, I don't know i'm just sometimes i don't want to talk it's like what do you do like i talk about death and she was like disgusted at it yeah but i talk about it's more healing this that and the other and my other buddy alex who's a really big podcast behind the scenes on some really big work there's true crime stuff yeah and as soon as he said that she's like oh my god interesting i'm like okay so murder and grotesque serial killers is more interesting to you than the healing aspect of confronting death like we got the shit backwards true crime slaps bro it does it is interesting i'm not knocking that it was just ironic that's part of the tabooness i'm trying to break is this when it comes to real death even though serial killers is real death it just feels distant because people haven't experienced that right but when you're talking normal death, quote unquote, that's more close to you.
I think people are more scared of that. Yeah.
I think they don't want to open up maybe. Right.
No. And I'm like, what, like, this is the, what is more, they say death in taxes, but not everyone pays taxes.
Like death is the only thing that brings us together. Yeah.
As scary as it is. That's the one thing I could look at.
I'm like, Oh, you're going to die. You're going to die.
You've lost people. You've probably lost people.
It's unifying in a way. And I think it's freeing once you are able to confront it.
Yeah. It's inevitable.
Unless you're Brian Johnson. I've been trying to get him.
Yeah. That's a whole perfect fit for your show.
I know it's like almost the, it's the opposite almost. So I'm going to, I'm planning on getting him on at some point.
Yeah. Cause your show talks about accepting death and he's like, nah, fuck that.
Yeah. I'm curious why I wouldn't, I don't even want to live that long.
I'm like, I'm i get to 80 i'm probably good unless i'm i can maintain my fitness i'm cool with that my brain outside of that i'm like yeah 80 years sounds good i'm careful with throwing out numbers just because of first of all the advancements in technology but second of all my dad would always say yo i'm i'm going to 60 and i'm done wow and then he did it and i was like damn he manifested that, 64. Yeah.
How long ago was this? This was a three years ago. How you feeling? It was tough at first.
And I was like, so, um, afraid to show emotion around it, to be honest. Like I didn't even want to cry.
What made you fearful of the emotion? I've always been like that. I'd never showed emotion around people growing up.
And three years in, have you felt as if you've embraced the emotion at all? Or you're still kind of in the same place? I've embraced it more, probably not as much as I should have. Cause we get caught up in work.
So I just tried to work it away and put it on the back burner for a bit. And you say you still feel like it's on the back burner? A little bit, but I've worked on it.
I've talked to people about it. Talked to psychics.
I've talked to like emotional experts. So talking about it feels like it helps.
Yeah. Podcasting is podcasting is a form of therapy man yeah i i agree and that's why i've i've saw a therapist maybe once or twice and then he told me he was retiring so like oh i'm too fucked up for you so besides that i never went back and i feel like my podcast has been healing for me but what a thing and this isn't me telling you what to do because it's everyone has their own grief recipe if you will and i And I think I found the patterns of all these people I've talked.
And even with myself, that first step, I feel like whether it takes a year or three years, 10 years, it's different for everyone. There's no timeline to grief in my opinion, but that first moment where you can face it and truly let yourself feel as cliche as it is.
And cliches are there for a reason that tends to be the first step of that healing process whether you'll fully be healed or not can't tell you that but once you start embracing that emotions because constantly we do push it off we got shit to do life goes on but you can live in grief and i think there's a balancing aspect to living and grieving because you have to be able to do both and there's a duality to it and a pendulum that you're never going to find the perfect balance but i think you have to attempt yeah because you don't want to get want to get too caught up in grief. No, you don't want to get too caught up, but it is important to, to yeah, get caught up in a sense of allowing yourself to feel it and allow it to pass in that moment and then continue on because life is going to keep going, whether you want to or not.
And a lot of people do get stuck in that place and forget to live. Yeah.
And it's hard to live when you feel like you lost purpose because the person you lost gave you purpose. And it's just a, it's a convoluted smorgasbord of every emotion possible.
It is. And I know a lot of people watching this probably hate on psychics, but getting that closure for me was huge, to be honest.
What closure did you get? So he took his own life and part of me felt responsible for that, for not like keeping more contact with him. He was very lonely, had autism and stuff, lived by himself, himself had no friends so just i talked to two or three different psychics to get in touch with him and just seeing why he did what he did you know felt like uh finally could close that door and how were you able to feel verified in that they were contacting your dad that's why i did two or three and they all they all said the same thing.
Also, I told none of them it was a suicide beforehand. Wow.
So they wouldn't have known that. And it wasn't published anywhere because, uh, what happened was he left the psych ward and, um, they didn't even rule his death as suicide, which is fucked up.
They probably do this to a lot of people, but he, uh, overdosed on medications. Yeah, man.
Well, I appreciate you sharing that. Yeah.
Do you mind if I ask you what gave you the closure specifically? There was a reason as to that took it off your own, took it off your back kind of? He basically couldn't handle the meds anymore. His body was shaking and he just wanted it to end, but it didn't have much to do with me.
I thought it was like me, honestly. I feel like that's a natural response.
I mean, it closes someone like that, that guilt. I can't, I can't imagine how overwhelming that probably feels.
And he had attempts in the past. He always struggled with mental stuff.
Um, when you're that smart dude, it's dangerous. 160 IQ.
Yeah. I'm probably nowhere near that, but sometimes I wish, uh, like the ignorance is bliss thing is definitely a real aspect.
Cause sometimes I get too deep in my thoughts and analytical. Then sometimes it's just, you just got to shut up and simplify everything we're doing because you go too deep down that rabbit hole.
It's, it's, I don't think it's healthy. Yeah.
I mean, healthy examination. Like you have to examine your life, but at some point I think we go too deep and then you got to show yourself a little grace.
Yeah. When you're that smart, you need similar people around you.
The problem is he's one out of 50,000 people with that IQ level. So it's really hard to make friends.
If you live town of 50,000 there's going to be no one there for you so you're so isolated super I saw him he was very lonely he relied on drugs a lot of his life to get by drug addiction he drank a 30 pack of beer a day 30 yeah smoked a pack of cigarettes a day at least yeah he was yeah he had a lot of addictions man yeah and then I guess that goes back to the idea of uh escapism for the the root of the issue if you will yeah that's why escapism for me i try to be as holistic as possible i love that even though i have a very addictive personality i do too super yeah you see the way i'm drinking my coffee luckily i could channel it to podcasting right now which is great great for business. 14 episodes of 14 a week.
So my record is 23 in a day. So the Guinness, is there a Guinness book up there? I'm actually looking into applying for one this year.
So 23 in a day, 52 in three days, a hundred in a week. That's my record for daily and weekly.
I don't know how you do that. Yeah.
It's, it's not easy, but it's fun. You can, you can attest to that.
Podcasting is a very fun position to have.

It really is.

I mean, there's not many opportunities in the day-to-day life

where you get to sit in front of someone,

talk to them about whatever you're talking about,

and hone in and tap in.

And regardless, there's no distractions.

It's just this, that, and the other person.

And people don't do that these days, I feel like, as much.

No, I'm on my phone half the time these days.

That's why it's great to shut my phone out.

The podcasting aspect has externalized in my own life where i feel like i'm a better listener now as opposed to thinking of the next thing to say as opposed to looking who's walking through the door looking at my phone i put it aside as if this is a podcast only no one's listening except us and it just makes you more present because i think the past is done the future hasn't happened and literally every moment we have right now is the only moment we have. Absolutely, man.
Yeah. Cause I look at my screen time and it's scary.
Same. Oh my God.
Terrifying. Nine hours a day for me.
I don't even know what mine is at. Maybe I haven't been looking at it much, but it's not healthy.
It's not healthy. It's a good night's sleep on my phone.
Yeah. I can't even watch a movie now without taking my phone.
It's all bad. I've noticed that too.
I have to, I want to get rid of it. I can't wait till all my shit's handled.
Like right now't know, you know, I have a couple people handling my social media, but I just want to get it completely handled. So I really don't have to tap into that world because it is a, it's technology now.
It's great. It's helpful in many ways, but it is not good at the same time.
No, it's not. I'm going to do a dopamine detox this year.
Have you heard of that? Just no technology. No devices or anything that causes dopamine.
So like sex, uh, whatever for three days. That's good.
I would like to do that. Yeah.
And then you could take a next level. You could do a darkness cave retreat.
I've heard about that. Yeah.
So you're in the dark for three to five days. What do you do? Nothing.
Just meditate. Can't eat.
Can't do anything. No mushrooms.
No, that'd be trippy though. You'd be tripping balls in there with that.
Well, I've been in an isolation uh on a flow tank yeah i've done that too that was wild i spent more time on the floor naked in the shower than the isolation tank that's a whole nother conversation you were tripping tripping yeah then i walked five miles home i don't know what the fuck i was doing i don't know i spend a lot of time by myself and that's clearly one of them i've struggled with loneliness the majority of my life being an only child i'm the i'm I don't know if I felt lonely. I wonder if I've chased loneliness because I do travel alone by myself until that other person comes to my life.
Of course, that'll change, but I've traveled by myself. I spend time by myself.
I'm extroverted, but I feel like I need that alone time. I just need that alone time.
I don't know. I like silence.
I like not talking, even though I talk for a living. And I And I think, I think being comfortable with yourself is the first step to being comfortable with someone else.
Yeah, I agree. Wow.
You travel by yourself. Not a lot of people do that.
That's interesting. Not, not Americans.
Every time I travel, I meet Europeans. They're constantly by themselves.
Really? And they think we're the weirdos. Oh, wow.
How long are you in town for? I'm like, maybe three weeks. Like, that's it? I'm like, what do you mean? Americans are the opposite.
Americans are just, I don't know. We're something else.
Three weeks is gnarly. By day five, I'm like like getting bored.
Honestly. I mean, I meet people along the way, but I like, I like getting into adventures where sometimes it's a weird feeling.
Cause I feel that loneliness sometimes when I've traveled and I've done it enough now where, okay, I would like companion at this point in my life. I just took a trip by myself where I met friends.
I wasn't totally alone. When you find those alone moments, it is a little bit of an eerie feeling, but it gets you to sit in an uncomfortable place.
And I partially like uncomfortable places, even though I don't like it in the moment, I embrace what's uncomfortable. Cause to me, uncomfortable moments are where the gold is.
And I think that's where everything is found. And you just got to kind of put yourself through that.
And I think that's just how I've kind of journeyed through my life for better or for worse. Yeah.
Those uncomfortable moments suck in the moment, but they're so crucial for growth. I mean, you have to be uncomfortable.
If you're comfortable, how the hell are you going to, you're just not going to do anything. You're not going to move.
You're not going to try to make a change. And I think being uncomfortable, whether it be trauma, grief, life shit, you literally need that to grow.
It's just a reminder that you might have to change. It's a reminder to what should be your priority in life.
And I think if you avoid it and try to run away from it and be escapist within uncomfortable moments, then it's going to be tough to learn. Yeah.
Which is a default response for most people to escape it. Yeah.
Because we think we're, I think there's this innate survival mechanism or defense mechanism, if you will, to get out of uncomfortable situations biologically or mentally, because it's, this is uncomfortable. This isn't normal.
We're in survival fight or flight mode, but I think it's in order, we have to embrace it at the same time. Yeah.
And it's a balancing act to kind of counteract what your body's telling you. That's been the biggest thing I've been working on lately.
Cause I have an avoidant personality to have you taken that test. Shows like your attachment style.
I don't know if I've taken the test, but someone concluded that I was, whatever that means. You was what? That was, I am an avoidant.
Someone died. Someone told me that I was like, I don't know what that means.
That's impressive. If they could do that without talking to you.
What does that mean? was what that was i am an avoidant someone died someone told me that i was like i don't know what that means that's impressive if they could do that without what does that mean what does that mean exactly besides the nature so when there's conflict you avoid it so basically oh i have it because of childhood trauma okay i got yelled at i would go to my room i wouldn't argue back interesting um there's secure attachment there's avoidant there's anxious attachment and there's one more. I don't know.
I don't know what I, I don't think I avoid conflict. It depends.
There's certain scenarios. I think conflict should be avoided.
They just no need to confront it because you're just not going to change the other person's mind. Yeah.
I just nod and say, okay. And then I'm, and I'm done, but then there's conflict that should be faced head on.
Agreed. But being avoided in business has screwed me out of so much money and like so many business accolades.
So I I've been working on that. How are you avoided in business? Like at any time there's a confrontation, I just shut down.
Oh, interesting. Yeah.
So I need to actually like stand on your own kind of hold my ground type stuff. Yeah.
People just walk all over me. Yeah.
I think I've been before the podcast, still technically I still handle real estate, but I think that taught me a lot in regards to the negotiation aspect, specifically with business, where it's the back and forth and when to be passive, when to be aggressive kind of taught me about life a lot, to be honest. Yeah.
So you made your money before the pod? Yeah. I was, as an agent, just representing buyers and sellers, I'm still technically doing that, but as I'm in a transitionary phase of getting the podcast, that next, next level, it was doing great, but it's not, it's not there yet where I can fully step aside and it's getting there, which is but real estate is still technically my day job i just for the last year or two i've really just kind of turned that switch off that's cool man who's your dream guest you got a list i got a lot i mean my list is 17 pages 17 pages yeah it's nuts i mean i could i don't even know if i could put a 17 page i mean again i have i have people in my head people in my head that I can draw.
I mean, Pete Davidson's one of them just because he's a,

he's a nine 11 boy.

And I think that,

Oh,

I didn't know that.

He lost his dad on nine 11 too.

So from my person,

it'd be a good conversation because he's been so public about it.

And I haven't sat down with someone who lost someone to nine 11.

I really geared towards the comedians.

I really want to feel Vaughn on the show.

Any of those big guys,

honestly,

Keanu Reeves is a,

is high on my list. Keanu Reeves would be legend.
He's gone through a lot of loss from my experience Jim Carrey will be another one but outside of that I mean I'm down to talk to anyone for the most part but I would say those are my big fish. Comedians are fun.
I just had Joe Gatto on. Nice.
I could put you in touch with him. That'd be awesome.
Yeah I love trading guests with other podcasts. Where can people watch your show? People can watch my show wherever you get your podcasts.

YouTube, you can get it on social media.

Any of the platforms, look up Dead Talks Podcast,

Apple, Spotify, yada, yada, yada.

Perfect, we'll link below.

Thanks for coming on, man.

I appreciate it, bud.

Thank you so much.

See you guys.