Batman Returns

This is Free with Ads, the the podcast that asks the question, why pay 20 bucks to see a new Superman movie in theaters when you can go online for free and watch a DC comics movie where the characters may not inspire us to be better people, but they do lick each other and themselves.

I'm Jordan Morris.

That's really good.

I'm Emily Fleming.

Today's movie is Batman Returns, my favorite Batman movie of all time.

The superhero sequel that started a million kinks for people in their late 30s to early 40s.

With us as always is the super producer of the He Freak, Matt Lieb, hitting us with those dark ass drops.

Just the pussy I've been looking forward to.

No, Matt!

Where does he get the wonderful toys?

Matt, of all the things, of course, you pick that.

I like the pussy part.

The fun thing is, you can't hear the moment where he bites a guy's nose off.

I tried that.

It was a great audio.

Not great for audio.

But I thought the pussy part was perfect.

Yeah,

a nice consolation.

Light.

A nice consolation prize.

Before we get into this movie, which is, as of this recording, streaming free with ads, we know cheap movies need cheap snacks, and we're going to put something inexpensive in our mouths in a segment called Cheap Ass Snacks.

Cheap ass snacks.

Wait, did we have that sting before?

No, I made it in the lobby.

We have done this once before, but with no sting.

So now we're doing it again.

And now we have a sting.

We have a little Little Caesar.

What was it?

Oh, we had a couple months back.

Pizza Cups.

With the Labyrinth movie, we sampled Little Caesar's Pizza Cups.

God, they were good.

Very, very good.

And now, this is Emily.

This is something you brought to our attention.

Yes.

Green Day,

the band, the frequent topic on our show.

Why is there nothing left in your cup?

Oh, I've okay, so I have drank all of those, by the way.

I grabbed these.

This is Green Day's Jordan Adams.

I think last time I ate my pizza cups in the car on the way over.

So,

yeah.

Yeah.

So, Green Day, frequent topic on this show.

They, of course, have the Godzilla remix of Brainstew, which is, for some reason, the funniest thing in the world.

Well, for some reason.

Yeah, I can't really explain it.

It's not funny, Jordan.

It's amazing.

Yeah, what it is.

The best thing, the most awesome

scroll over who thinks it's funny.

And, of course, we do so many 90s movies on this show.

They are frequent needle drops.

So, Green Day, always on our minds.

Emily, you sent us a news blurb that they have their own slurpee flavor.

Yeah, because they're celebrating the anniversary of, I think, it's the album with what?

I don't know.

Which album?

Was it American Idiot?

Is it Timer Elsa?

You know what I think?

Is it Enemrod?

Is it Ememeron?

So I think

they star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

Oh.

They did.

And this Slurpee flavor, anyway, is named for their album, Kerplunk.

It is called Kerplunk Candy Grape.

I don't know if it coincides with the anniversary of the album or anything, but

Green Day, They have a slurpee flavor.

Kerplunk candy grape.

I grabbed these at a 7-Eleven in beautiful Burbank.

Do you want some of mine?

Okay, so here's the thing.

I throw things out there, and then Jordan actually follows through with it, where he draws, like, he drives places and stuff.

Emily,

you're more of an ideas person.

Oh, God.

I hate that.

Anybody who says that, like, I'm more of an ideas person, it's always the biggest cunt in town.

It's just someone who doesn't want to do any work.

Which, you know what?

I think I'm the best lazy cunt.

Yes, I was going to say that.

If you're going to have to deal with a lazy cunt who's an IGS bitch, aren't you glad I'm the one?

I am glad.

I'm the best one.

But thank you for grabbing that.

No, no problem.

I have formed an opinion.

I've been drinking this since birthday.

I have.

And now I would love for y'all to have a sip of the green dish

slurpee.

There it is.

Okay.

And tell us what you think.

Let's do it.

I will say this is the first slurpee I've had in years.

I have not had a Slurpee in a hot minute.

Really?

Yeah, I've had them all the time as a kid, but just something I don't get that much anymore.

Y'all, do y'all, how often do y'all do Slurpees?

Maybe I should.

It's been a long time.

I also just don't like them usually.

I mean, I love me some nice, you know, shaved ice stuff.

Okay, I know.

I can drink a soda, you pussy.

Like, what do you think?

Well, first of all,

I think the real pussy thing to do is to not drink shaved ice and or

Slurpees.

Wow.

Real men drink Slurpees.

I think we can all.

We can have this argument.

Real men drink Fanta.

Yeah.

But you and I could all have this argument off camera because, good God, this is amazing.

Isn't it good?

It's like cotton cake.

It's awesome.

It's delicious.

It's very.

Are you sure you don't want some of mine?

I have had most of mine.

I'm not going to drink all of mine.

I'll drink yours because I'm not a pussy.

I asked yourself

because I'm a strong man.

I don't know if there's just something going on where I haven't had a Slurpee in a while and this sensation is really nice.

No, this is good.

This is great.

This is special.

It's really, really good.

And I was a little afraid it'd be kind of sour because of the green color.

And I'm like, yeah, I don't really love sour sweets.

I'm shocked that it isn't sour.

It's all sweet.

It's all delicious.

It's kind of tropical.

I think grape is misleading.

So I think that you and I were looking at like, we're trying to figure out what 7-Eleven's had this.

And then I didn't realize how many flavors that 7-Eleven had for slurping.

Yeah, totally.

There's a pina colada and stuff.

So honestly, I feel like pina colada is mixed into this.

Yeah, maybe a little bit.

It definitely has a little bit of that character to it.

To me, it's cotton candy.

As soon as it hits

strong, it is like a cotton candy.

I love this so much.

Matt, what are your thoughts?

It's really sweet and it tastes good, and I want more.

Okay, yeah.

Oh, I really like it.

You want some of mine, Jordan?

Put your straw in.

Thank you.

Well, hey, that's the Green Day Kerplunk Candy Grape Slurpee.

We like it.

And it's late at night, so we know that tonight I'll be having trouble trying to sleep.

Yeah.

I'm drinking Slurpees running out.

I've heard of brain stew, but brain freeze.

Green day and slurpees.

Hey, let's talk about Batman Return, shall we?

Hell yeah.

We're all kind of around the same age, Matt.

I know you

had a period where you couldn't watch movies because of your strict family.

That's true.

The TVs were taken out of the house, but this was pre-TVs being taken out of the house.

So you have seen this before.

I have seen it.

I think I saw it in theaters.

Yeah, I have a very distinct memory of standing in line at the theater to see this.

I don't think I saw it in theaters, but I remember just loving it the minute I saw it.

Yeah.

I don't remember where I was, but I don't think I was in theaters.

A real treat to re-watch this for me.

It had been a minute, and yeah, we'll obviously get to it.

Well, hey, it opens on a big iron gate with the name Cobblepot on it.

Gotham City, a lot of gates with people's names on it.

It's got to have more gates with names on it per capita.

Yeah.

I don't want a gate with a name on it.

She all moved to Gotham City.

Can I tell you something really quick?

Please.

So I'm a big fan of Amy Sederis, right?

Sure.

I live in an apartment.

Like, I don't have like a bunch of people.

You should get a gate in front of your apartment that just says Emily Flynn.

No, listen, Amy Sederis

hinges a screen door to her apartment door so she can slam it dramatically.

I love it.

She's such a queen.

Can you imagine?

I want to slam a fucking screen door in an apartment.

Amazing.

Anyway, I would get my name

like Fleming Manor.

Fleming Manor on a screen door that I can slam in an apartment building.

You should do it.

Just saying.

Ask your landlord first.

Oh, yeah, that fucking bitch.

Sorry.

Yeah, they're going to keep your deposit when you move out and they find a bunch of hinges.

She couldn't even try to find this podcast if she knew the name of it.

Hey,

so this is The Penguin's Origin Story.

It takes place during Christmas.

This is a Christmas movie.

Oh.

Oh, I never thought about this as a Christmas movie.

Yeah, I know.

I think we're all kind of tired of Die Hard as a Christmas movie.

Let's see what we're doing.

Why not?

Why?

I don't think it's weird that I mean, I just think it's really cool that people think of Die Hard as a Christmas movie, but we need more options.

We need more

unorthodox Christmas movies.

Titanic is a Christmas movie.

Didn't we decide Showgirls is a Christmas movie?

I think we did.

Showgirls is a Christmas movie.

Oh, you're right.

Well, I would definitely think of this as a wintery movie, but I like the idea of adding this to the Christmas canoe.

You're right.

This is a Christmas cannon.

So

we see a young penguin.

We don't see him yet.

He's like in a box.

The baby penguin.

He's making all sorts of gross noises.

He eats the family cat.

And

right there, I'm like, well, this is going to be a one out of ten for me.

I cannot stand to see a cat harmed.

Well, are you going to mention what I want to mention?

Oh, I know exactly what we're going to mention.

That his dad is played by Paul Rubens.

And in Gotham,

he also plays Oswald.

Wonderful little Easter egg.

Dad.

Wow.

I love that.

This is why I love Gotham.

You fucking pussies who don't like Gotham.

You're yelling at internet comments again.

Okay.

Just like I've talked to two people who hate that I love Gotham, and I've taken it so personally.

Don't take it personally.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

It's fine.

People are allowed to not like things.

This is a me problem.

It's a me problem.

The cat gets eaten.

The baby gets thrown in the river.

Drifts all the way into the sewers.

Yes, it's another movie from our childhood and involves the sewers.

Why did the 80s and 90s have so many sewer movies?

And so many orphans.

A lot of orphans.

And a lot of

people wondering, what the hell goes on down there?

Yeah.

Probably all sorts of like penguins hanging out.

It was full of whimsy.

And then I moved to New York and everyone was like, chuds.

And I was like, what?

And then they were like, don't stand too close to the edge of the subway.

And I'm like, why?

And they, like, I was convinced the Chuds were real

when I first moved to New York.

I wish there was just like L.A.

Chuds, but there's not.

No.

You know?

They're just not as real as New York Chuds.

I know.

Because L.A.

Chuds don't read.

Yeah.

Like the New York Chuds.

It's the water.

It's the tap water makes the chuds breathe.

It's a more refined chud.

And the bagels.

I'm so sorry.

I think there should be like a ding against every time I talk about how I used to live in New York.

Yeah.

If if a fan could keep an account about how pretentious I am, that's all.

I've got one in my brain every time you mention it.

Your brain?

Yeah, I just roll my eyes.

I have a little Emily note in my brain.

Bullshit.

It's turning into a cancerous tumor.

Yeah, I bet it is.

Sorry.

So we're now in the modern day.

We're at the Christmas tree lighting outside Shrek's Department Store.

Great logo for Shrek's.

It is like a cartoon cat head.

Very, very cool logo.

Max Shrek of Shrek's Department Store, played by Christopher fucking Walken.

Oh, in the best wig.

You kind of forget he's in this sometimes because, like, the other performances in this are so huge and great.

You're like, oh, Walken's also in this and is also great.

But he is a lot more subdued.

He's not doing Walken voice.

But here's the thing: it's because he's so ethereal and beautiful.

Yeah, he does.

He looks really cool in this.

The wig, the eyeshadow, the eyebrows.

He's the most beautiful man I've ever seen in this movie.

And then after this movie, he just was like, I'm a corpse.

Yeah, he became old immediately after this movie.

But he was also a corpse and deer hunter.

Like, what happened to him in this movie?

He's beautiful.

He peaks here.

You know,

I think Tim Burton just knows how to shoot a weirdo.

Yeah.

He just knows how to shoot a weirdo to make them beautiful.

He's beautiful.

Yeah, because that's his whole thing.

It's like the beautiful weirdos of the world, you know?

And yeah, I mean, yeah, it must have been hard for him to figure out how to make a beautiful Helena Bottom Carter into a beautiful Eva Green, into a beautiful Monica Bellucci

in his marriages.

To Merton Yuggos.

Yeah, he loves the Yuggos.

He's

one of the,

you know, one of my favorites, one of the goats.

Nobody cooks like him when he's trying.

Maybe some issues with women, maybe, I don't know.

Maybe.

I'm going to kind of like have an argument here.

Sure.

He's making some ladies very happy.

I don't know.

That's true.

The most beautiful woman in the world.

What is he doing?

I don't know.

He's just that good of a fan.

That dick is crazy.

I just know it.

Yeah, that dick gotta be crazy.

They go crazy for that.

That spooky dick.

But the spooky dick was crazy.

What is he doing?

It's probably shaped like a sandworm.

I hope it's just money because I'd do it too.

Nah, it's like a Betelgeuse sandworm type thing.

Shut the fuck up.

So

he's just kind of an evil business guy.

He has a giant son who I think is the tallest person in the the movie.

Tallest guy.

And I'll quibble a little bit with the point that I don't think he's doing walk-in voice.

I do think his walk-ining in this is pretty strong.

And I think that the son, who has five lines, is doing a little walk-in impression to sound like dad.

Yes, yes.

The son doesn't say hardly anything in this movie, but I think he says it like this.

Dad, I love you.

Is it weird?

Don't throw me to the penguin.

Penguin.

The penguin.

is it weird that i think this movie could exist in the hudsucker proxy it's the same vibe

for sure

i really think the cohen brothers and tim burton should hang out yeah they should team up i feel like they're both gothic in a different way i feel like there's a southern gothic kind of vibe to yeah you know the cohen brothers that you know Tim Burton, they could really make something cool.

They both shoot tall buildings in the same way.

I think they could get together and beat the shit out of Wes Anderson.

100%.

Dim a wedgie.

Yeah, exactly.

Just beat him up, be like, we get it.

You like symmetry, you idiot.

Don't get my ass got in the toilet.

Oh, swash.

But oddly enough, I do feel like a Wes Anderson movie could work with this movie.

It could also work.

Strangely.

So, you know,

Max Shrek, he's evil.

He's doing some evil business stuff with a power plant.

That doesn't really go anywhere.

Plot, not this movie, Strong Point.

Who the fuck cares?

You're right.

He has his put-upon secretary, Selena Kyle.

She tries to speak up in the meeting, um, but is shot down.

Um, and this is kind of a funny detail that I noticed.

Uh, I think this is my first time watching this on, like, in like HD.

Um, oh, Max Shrek has a bunch of uh photos of himself with celebrities, and it's all like photoshopped on his wall.

And there's one of him, like, shaking hands with Elvis, like Nixon.

Anyway, really fun.

Noticed that at all, yeah, really fun details.

Again, I've probably only watched this movie on VHS, so like seeing it in HD was really fun.

That's so cool.

Oh, yeah, I mean, obviously, like a fucking gorgeous movie.

Can I also comment on there's a lot of movies that make beautiful women look like, oh, they're not so beautiful.

Like, Miss Congeniality does this.

They try to make the most beautiful woman in the world look.

Here's, okay, this is a very stylish movie, a very specific, intentional, like, stylized movie.

The way they make Michelle Pfeiffer cheekbones for days, like the most beautiful woman alive, it's her, like, performance, physicality, and and her like the way she fits into the look of the scenery and everything yeah you believe it you believe that she's this woman that people would ignore yes and even though she's perfect and that i think speaks to the aesthetic and the direction of tim burton because i had the exact same feeling i was like i was shocked at uh how

how well they were able to pull off her being kind of frumpy or her being kind of just like some some girl in the background well it wasn't that she was frumpy it's like, she's not doing good.

Yeah, yeah.

She's having a tough time.

She's having a tough time.

But the tailored business dress suit.

Woof.

Yeah.

She looks great.

She looks great.

Both As Cat Women and Selena Kyle.

Oh, yeah.

We go to the Christmas tree lighting.

Has anyone watched Traders?

Has anybody tried to watch Traders?

I watched the newest season.

I've never watched any season before.

It's a reality competition show hosted by Alan Cumming.

I tried to watch it.

It wasn't hosted by him in the past, though.

Okay, well, Alan Cumming hosts a season of it.

it, but I tried to watch.

Kind of didn't really bounce.

I kind of bounced off the actual game, but I loved watching him.

He's great.

And specifically, the way he pronounces murder.

Murder.

He's just born to pronounce that word.

And in that same way, we get to hear Christopher Watkins during this speech say, baubles.

He was born to say baubles.

It's the greatest

single word said by an actor.

It's a word invented.

Baubles.

It's invented for him to say.

Yeah.

Wait, Matt.

Baubles.

Can you find a way to rip that sound?

Oh, yeah.

And can we please make it a sting for something?

Yeah, we'll figure out some way to re-mention baubles

eventually.

I wasn't even thinking.

And so they're lighting this Christmas tree and clowns invade.

Now, is this a little confusing?

Because we just had a movie where the bad guy was a clown and now we have more clowns a little who cares?

Move on.

Yes.

I never even thought about it that way.

Yeah, it's interesting because, like,

in the comics, the penguin is a gangster.

But in the first movie, the Joker is a gangster.

Now,

whatever.

Well, also, I mean, you could think about it and go, didn't...

Burton do the movie before this?

Yeah, sure.

Okay, so the fact that the Joker got taken down, what are these like, but, you know, lost lackeys that have to find someone new to cling to?

I think that's it.

Yeah.

So I think it goes with the penguin's backstory in this is that he was a little circus boy and he became their boss.

But I think if you did want to sequelize this a little more, and by the way, I kind of like how this, you know, it doesn't mention the first movie a whole lot.

No, no, it doesn't.

I think you could do a thing where like the penguin took the Joker's gang anyway.

Well, I never even thought about like this, and I've also never questioned the fact that they were clever.

I know, it's very weird.

I watched it again and I didn't question it, but you're completely right.

But I'm going to choose to believe that he took over.

That's a better story.

Oh, thanks.

So then that's, you know, so the clowns are invading.

We get the first, you know, Batman pulls up in the Batmobile.

I like it.

They shoot up the bat signal, and Michael Keaton is Bruce Wayne is just sitting in a chair, brooding.

He's not doing anything.

He doesn't have a real job.

He's a Nepo baby.

Yeah, there you go.

Yeah, he doesn't have to look at a book to read.

He's reading on the inside.

That's right.

He's reading in the mind.

He's just staring at fire for like half the movie, too.

What do we think he's reading?

A Grisham or what the fuck is he reading?

He's reading a Stephen King.

Choose your own adventure.

I'm going to go into this.

I'm reading something spooky-ookie.

Shut the fuck up.

So he kind of tools around in the Batmobile.

He kind of beats up these clowns.

There's this part where there's this clown who's like spitting fire and he turns the Batmobile around and like launches the fire jets at this guy.

Now, every time there's a Batman movie, there's a debate.

Batman doesn't kill.

Right.

Batman fucking killed this guy for sure.

I always thought that was so weird when people were like, Batman doesn't kill people.

I'm like, why the fuck not?

Like, I don't.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Who's going to arrest him?

Also, I think Arkham Asylum is worse than death, personally.

And I think him sending him there is way more inhuman

than fucking killing somebody.

Also, I have a distinct memory of owning a Batmobile toy that had gun turrets on it.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

What do you do with a gun other than kill people?

Well, huge huge machine guns.

So here's a little bit of an argument.

I never use that.

Where there are guns or weapons, it doesn't always mean like penetration of the skin or death.

Sure.

Could be shooting rubber bullets, could be shooting tear gas.

Think about the Power Rangers.

They had guns in the first season.

That's right, they did.

And all they did was just do little fireworks on the chest of the putties.

They liked to do that.

Yeah, they could be.

Sure.

You're right.

This is a comic book world.

These could be.

Penetrated anyone.

And then you think about the Ninja Turtles.

They had all these weapons.

You never saw them stab anybody.

It would be really funny, though, to see Raphael stab someone in the head with a side.

And then just have to deal with it.

Just like freaked out.

Just bleeding out.

Now, that is a sketch.

Y'all don't steal that and do it on TikTok.

I'm watching you.

Do it on TikTok.

That's a lot of it.

It's a hard thing.

Don't go back 15 years and do it on Funny Your Die.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah, but she did that.

So, yeah, so Max Shrek, he kind of gets kidnapped by the penguin and kind of roped into this blackmail scheme he's doing.

Selena Kyle goes back to the office to work late, and she finds the secret power plans that Max Max had that don't really go anywhere, and he pushes her out the window.

But she is chomped on by a bunch of neighborhood cats

and woken up into a cat zombie.

Again, this is never explained.

No, I don't care.

I don't need it.

I've got nine lives, whatever.

This is what I like.

What I love about this is that there's stuff happening.

As a kid, my memory of Batman villains was that in order to become one, you had to fall into a vat of something.

Yeah, that's not a value.

And what I like is that she fell into a vat of cat and became cat woman.

As a kid, I was like, I guess that's just you.

They licked her back to life.

Yeah.

And then she woke up and drank milk right out of the carton.

Well, I think that a lot of what I liked about Batman is there isn't supposedly any supernatural element.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

If you add style to it and the suspension, suspension of disbelief and and fantasy to it then you could just make this universe whatever you want but it isn't about superpowers it's what is this theatrical universe right that looks like nose for too right yeah there's always some sort of scientific explan like like mr freeze became mr freeze because he got frozen and that's why tim burton would never want to fuck with that yeah i forget i think that was was it joel shoemaker shoemacher yeah and that's when they got into the whole like poison ivy is more scientific.

Right.

Like Mr.

Freeze is more that.

But I think that the spiritual heart of Batman is Catwoman, Batman,

Riddler, and Penguin.

At least for me personally.

So I

don't need an explanation.

Just fucking do it.

And that's what this movie does.

Catwoman, big deal.

Move on.

Fucking move on.

Like, it's perfect.

It's a perfect movie.

Sorry.

I'm telling my, I'm showing my hand too early.

So she's now this kind of like, you know, wild-eyed cat zombie.

She goes to her apartment.

And again, this is a really fun, cool apartment shot.

Yeah, the apartment looks great.

And she.

It's my favorite apartment in cinema history.

It's awesome.

And again, my first time watching this in HD.

And, you know, she has all these little like kid collections.

Like, she has all these stuffed animals.

She has like dollhouses.

And it's this kind of like.

Yes.

She is now, she is no longer a child.

She's an insane woman.

When am I going to get that transition?

Just get bit by a bunch of cats.

Just lay down in the road until cats leave you.

I'll push you out a window if you get a bad cat.

I got to make my American girl doll

goth at some point.

Yeah.

What I love about this is

it's so made for kids, especially like adolescent girls.

But also moms.

No, for sure.

But I mean, she's so...

teen girl coded.

She goes from her coming of age story in this is she's being harassed by her boss

and then gets pushed out of a window and she goes from American girl doll Emily to, you know, Patty and Dirk goth girl.

Yeah, I think that I am more the first one in terms of appearance.

Well, you haven't fallen off the window yet.

I know.

But let me tell you, there is a photo that I will find.

My mom was very into face painting for a while.

Sure.

She painted my face in full-on Michelle Pfeiffer with the stitches and everything, and I got the costume.

That was one of my biggest Halloween costumes.

I'm obsessed with it.

I think this is one of the most fun,

like feminist characters.

Yeah.

I don't know.

It was like, but also, she's a woman.

Like, she's a grown woman that's a cat girl.

Yeah, well, but the thing is, her character is a grown-ass woman that people are ignoring.

Yeah.

They don't see her as desirable.

So it kind of reads as, oh, she's probably in her late 30s.

Right, right, right, right, right, right.

And then she just like transforms.

There's something very empowering about her being an older woman who has a job.

I don't know.

I loved it.

I loved it.

I was watching it going.

I'm like, is this one of the finest cinema performances?

Yes, it might be.

Yeah, like, no joke.

She's so good.

But also, I think there's another amazing cinema performance in this movie.

It's full of them.

It's fucking full of them.

Fucking full of them.

So, yeah, so that's, so she, it's the kind of the final nail in the coffin.

She has a little uh uh like neon sign that says hello there and she smashes it to say hell here yeah I bet we have at least one listener who has that on their wall 100%

email us free with ads at maximum I desperately want that neon sign so yeah so she goes out and kind of like starts doing superhero stuff a little bit she says saves a woman says I am cat woman hear me roar

meow they do this they do this so back in the kind of penguin story by the way Batman is not in this Batman movie list Who gives a shit?

I know, and it is kind of a cool way to do a sequel.

And I kind of wish when superhero movies, like, okay, we got to do Spider-Man 6, we got to do Thor 9, like, make it more about the villains.

You know, villains are interesting.

We've already gotten the superhero.

Anyway, so I like it.

Would you argue that DC is like the villains are better than any of the heroes?

I mean, I think DC has DC has really strong villains.

They're really, really cool.

I think that that's the difference for me, and that's why I'm kind of more of a DC girly.

But yeah, they're great in this and obviously it's so cool that like this movie is more about them than it is about Batman, who I already saw a movie about.

So yeah, so in the kind of penguin story, they're trying to get him to run for mayor.

They do this scam where they like he saves the mayor's baby.

And then they take in one of the most visceral scenes in all of film, Walken like kind of lures him into this campaign office using a dead fish, which he starts to eat raw.

And he introduces introduces him to these PR people, one of them played by Jan Hooks.

Good to see Jan Hooks here.

She's very funny.

And then she's like, she wants him to put on gloves.

And she's like, polls show that

the voters like fingers anyway.

Very funny line.

He doesn't have any.

And then so he's eating, she's chomping this raw fish, and then he bites this guy's nose until it bleeds.

Oh, my God.

It's all so gross and hilarious.

Yeah, because the guy insults him.

He says, I guess they don't have any reflective

surfaces where you come from.

Well, he's also going to town on this fish, which I feel like I've watched the thing about how

he talks about, like, DeVito talks about the process of that.

But,

oh my God, it's so disturbing.

It's really gross.

A horror movie at this moment.

Yeah.

Can I say something about Danny DeVito in this?

No, I think he's wonderful.

I think he's wonderful.

I think his performance is great.

But as an adult,

re-watching this, I realized

in this movie, the penguin is actually

sort of a penguin,

which is a strange choice.

Because Catwoman is not actually sort of a catwoman.

I disagree.

She makes her own nails.

She likes milk now, sure.

Why is she licking herself?

Because she fell off a building and she has some sort of traumatic brain injury i'll accept that yeah all right but the idea but she doesn't grow fur no you're saying or a tail whereas whereas the penguin seems to be part penguin right and there there's something about that as a kid i did not question this at all it is a kids movie i still don't question it matt as an adult i started going like wait why was he actually kind of a penguin isn't that strange that didn't

That didn't sit weird with you.

I think there's a lot of arguments you could have here.

I think that the circus element is something we talked about where it's like

there is like Lobster Boy was this kind of thing and

like carnivals and stuff like that.

So I think they were trying to expand on this.

Oh, okay, I like that.

And it was almost like he decided

because my parents threw me away, I'm going to lean into

that he was raised by the underground penguins?

Yes.

That is what they said.

Okay, but also in the circus.

I know, because the penguins find him on his little sewer journey.

Sure.

And I guess maybe.

they're giant penguins, by the way.

Yes.

And I think, I mean, they're also, there's this movie's tallest bird.

Oh, that's true.

That's true.

Tallest bird.

So, yeah, so it's, so they're, this, they're trying to do this mayoral campaign for the penguin.

Meanwhile, like, Catwoman is just doing all sorts of, like, terrorism to, like, Max Shrek's Empire.

Love it.

Um, the, uh, she kind of fucks up his department store.

Uh, very popular internet clip, the raw footage of her, Michelle Pfeiffer, whipping the heads off all the mannequins in one take.

That scene is edited in the movie, but she did it in one take, and you can hear the crew go nuts in it.

Very great video.

I'm sure you've seen it, but it's awesome.

She's a fucking badass.

She's great.

She's about to do a couple of new things.

Anything she does, I'm watching it.

Always good.

So that's kind of going on.

And then Batman and Catwoman kind of have their first fight.

They end up kind of fighting under the mistletoe.

And he says, mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.

And she says, says but a kiss can be even deadlier if you mean it great memorable line but think about if she didn't have the follow-up what if you just said to someone mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it and she just eats it oh or just like what a what a thing to say under the mistletoe yeah then she just goes it's a good thing your dick isn't made out of mistletoe

yeah for those of you listening at home we have had sex before i promise

and that's what it sounds like It may have been a while, but I remember it.

You probably have never had sex, so you don't know that that's what it sounds like.

You're all a bunch of virgins.

You're a bunch of virgins, all like us, who fuck a lot, as you can tell by our impression of Blowjaw.

I regrow my hymen once a year.

Severe.

Like a gecko who's lost its tail.

So, like, she's.

So, Batman and Catwoman are like having flirt fighting while Bruce Wayne and Selena Kyle, they don't know about the alter egos and they're like having a little flirt thing.

Michael Keaton and Michelle Pfeiffer's chemistry is out of control.

It's so

it is crazy.

And he like

sometimes in a movie when someone is being a weirdo, like Michael Keaton is a weirdo in these movies.

It can be like hard to have chemistry with them.

I don't think he's being a weirdo.

I think his Bruce Wayne is intentionally kind of a ticky weirdo.

And I think that's why it was novel, right?

Because he wasn't necessarily playing a Playboy.

He was like this kind of damaged dude.

Yeah.

And I think that's why people like it.

But I think it, like, it can be hard to connect with those sorts of performances, but they're so fucking good to get.

I sometimes worry if he can move his neck.

Maybe, yeah.

Not in that.

Because he's always like...

I feel like it was a suit.

It was

a suit issue.

It was a suit issue.

It had to be.

But even out of the suit, he's kind of herky-jerky.

Exactly.

It's not just the suit.

I kind of compared this this performance to Robert Downey Jr.

with Iron Man.

Sure.

Where it's this super, like, kind of cocky, charismatic guy, but

Robert Downey Jr.

can move his fucking neck.

That's true.

He has that

all difference.

Also, can we talk about how goddamn pointy Michael Keaton's lips are?

Of all the, okay, because you don't see the full face of Batman, right?

It's all lip, baby.

That helmet.

Batman and Robocop.

You don't see much.

It's a lot of lip performance.

But you see a lot of lips.

I mean, Val Kilmer's lips.

I would argue.

Best lips in the living room.

Best lips.

Fucking limp.

Best Batman.

Batman.

But

everybody's played Batman.

Gorgeous.

But I swear to God, you could cut glass on the top points of Michael Keaton's lips.

They are hard points.

Yeah.

Nothing sexy about it.

I mean, I still think it's hot, but yeah, he does have...

No, it's hot.

There's like two Batmen.

who have bottom faces, bottom halves of the face,

where they are instantly recognizable.

He is like, he's one of them, and then also Christian Bale.

They both have very distinct mouths, so I'm kind of like, I'd know it was him.

Yeah, I'd know.

If Michael Keaton eats you out, you're getting a couple more pussy lips.

You're going to get a few more.

The little lady.

Sorry.

It's okay.

This is all set up.

They're flirting.

The penguins are running for mayor.

We're about to get to the climax, and we'll talk about it when we come back.

You know, we've been doing my brother, my brother, me for 15 years and

maybe you stopped listening for a while, maybe you never listened, and you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years, I know where this has ended up.

But no, no, you would be wrong.

We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing.

Yeah, you don't even really know how crypto works.

The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on my brother, my brother, and me.

We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

And if not, we just leave it out back.

It goes rotten.

So check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

We're back.

It's free with ads.

We're talking about the thrilling finale of Batman Returns.

Baubles.

So,

you know, Bruce Wayne and Selena Kyle, they have their story.

The Penguin is running for mayor, but they try and frame Batman by taking control of the Batmobile.

Very cool scene.

Hell yeah.

Wait, do you guys have opinions on the Batmobiles?

I'm not like, I like, I just am like, cool, the Batmobile.

I don't have one that I love above others.

I like how there's a new take on it in each movie.

I think that's kind of neat.

I think it's one of the coolest things, but I feel like this is the same one to the first movie, but maybe I'm wrong.

I think it is.

The Tim Burton

Batmobiles were my favorite.

They're cool.

I am not a Nolan Batmobile fan.

Me neither.

I think that's fine.

It's just, it's, I, I, I don't, it's too boring.

Yeah, it is.

It's like military vehicles.

Right.

But then the Schumacher ones, I think those are my favorite.

These are pretty cool.

Where they have just like neon lights on them.

Yeah.

Batman's coming.

Batman's coming.

Yeah.

No element of surprise.

Exactly.

But they're cool looking.

I would love just a taco truck.

That would be sick.

I mean, that would make sense.

So while Penguin has control of the Batmobile, he's doing all these taunts, which Batman is like recording on a CD.

Probably very new to see a CD in a movie.

It's a big mind.

What does he have?

What's that flat tape?

1992.

So, like, he, you know, plays it for a big audience.

There's so many press conferences in this movie.

People are constantly having press conferences all the time.

You're so right.

They're all getting attention.

Think about how many press conferences.

Yeah.

Yeah.

This movie is 90% press conferences.

So they play his rant during one of the press conferences.

Everybody hates him.

They all throw vegetables at him.

He has this great line.

Ah, there's always somebody who brings vegetables and rotten eggs to a speech.

Great little funny joke, calling that out.

Yeah, so they, the kind of, there's a, there's a, this kind of fancy Christmas costume party, I guess, Christmas costume party, whatever, where everyone seems to be dressed as buildings.

I think people are dressed as famous buildings at this thing, anyway.

It's like drop dead gorgeous.

Yeah, yeah, it is something like that.

And then kind of Bruce and Selena do the mistletoe thing to each other.

The mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.

So they know.

And she's like, do we have to start fighting?

It's a great line.

Hell yeah, you do.

But so that kind of

leads to the climax.

The penguin gets mad about his mayoral campaign.

And so his solution is to strap missiles to a bunch of penguins and send them out into the middle of Gotham.

There are like six moments in this movie where I'm just like, this is so fucking weird.

It's so fucking weird.

This was like a mainstream sequel to a blockbuster.

It's like, well, and now the penguins have missiles on them.

It's so great.

The thing is, with these movies, the real enemy was corporate greed.

Sure.

Oh, shit.

And then there's just this crazy guy who they pin who ends up being a scapegoat in a way.

They wanted him to be the mayor so they could pin a bunch of shit on him.

That was the whole point.

So him strapping missiles to a penguin is like, yeah.

Yeah.

What would you do?

What, like, what was he going to do?

Win?

Like,

he was always the scapegoat from the beginning.

So Batman kind of jams the penguins' radar signals,

and they all go back to the penguins' hideout.

Selena Kyle fights Mac Shrek.

She, you know, he shoots her a couple times.

She, like, loses her remaining lives, and then she

kisses him with this taser she got earlier in the movie.

Also, like, I just want to point out that Penguin's penguins are taller than him.

Yep.

They're like a bunch of Dakota fannings.

Like, they're about that height.

Yeah.

So the scene.

Dakota fanning, also very sleek in the water.

Absolutely.

The scene that you're talking about, the

taser kiss, the death of Mac Shrek.

Yeah.

Is a recurring nightmare that I have.

Oh.

What?

That was one of the scariest things I had ever seen.

It's terrifying.

Just because

he comes out as a skeleton.

Yes.

And he turns into a skeleton.

But not just like full-on skeleton.

He also has like his eyes are all bugged out and stuff.

And as a kid, I was like, whoa, this is the scariest thing I've ever seen.

Wait a minute.

Did you not see Indiana Jones when you were a kid?

I only saw Temple of Doom.

Oh,

so this was scarier than Temple of Doom?

This was scarier than Temple of Doom.

Yeah, because a woman did it.

Yeah, first of all, because I was like, damn,

these bitches could do anything.

Never kiss, never kiss a woman.

As a five-year-old, I said, damn, these bitches is crazy.

It was actually pretty scary.

It was very scary.

I'm with you.

That was supposed to be in the original plan for this movie is that was supposed to be harvey dent

played by billy d williams and that was supposed to be the origin of two-faced who would be the villain in the next movie no shit yeah that's kind of a good idea it is a good idea and uh marlon wayans was going to be robin oh uh so they they did not make those movies we avoided that a real wacky robin i feel like

marlon wayans actually is in my mind has proven himself to be a very good actor he is but he's not robin yeah it's true he could be robin no he's a he could I could see it.

He can't do everything.

That's true.

So, yeah, anyway, so I think they've done that story in the comics now.

They've like gone back and like continued this Burton universe.

Anyway, I've read it.

So, yeah, that's kind of the end of all the bad guys.

Oh, Batman kills the penguin, and the penguins have a little funeral for him.

And that's what I'm like, this movie's insane.

I love it.

The penguin funeral is like, and you know, he at this point has gotten his ass kicked.

He's bleeding from the mouth, and it's this like dark black blood.

And he's just like i just need a drink of ice cold water it's so good and he falls in and he dies and then and then then giant penguins show up to to just

to just march with him march with the body and i'm like i love that does this mean something or is this just he fucks those penguins i mean right i mean

this is his family at this point i'm like

they just let tim burton do whatever he wanted and i am i'm i'm all in on it I'm so in on it.

Weird shit.

Cool.

So, yeah, that's kind of the end of everybody.

Selena Kyle kind of disappears, but Bruce Wayne finds her cat, and he takes it home with him and Alfred.

That's right.

And then we see her silhouette come up against the bat signal.

Fucking awesome last day.

Hell yes.

She's got one life left.

One life left.

Batman returns.

We're going to rate the movie on a scale of one to ten Superlat commercials, but first we've got to talk about the humps of the movie in a segment we call Hump Watch.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I jumped the gun on that one.

We all know what's coming.

Yeah, I mean, you know, Michelle Pfeiffer, we haven't talked about her on this show yet in any official capacity.

Oh, my God.

Special special shout-out to the woman who plays the Ice Princess, though, who gets pushed off the roof by a penguin.

Total babe.

Yeah.

Super hot.

90s babe.

Any other thoughts other than Michelle Pfeiffer?

Michelle

Pfeiffer is the ultimate hunk, but I got to say, Christopher walking in that beautiful, ethereal, icy gray wig.

Good God, he's beautiful.

He's like not just sexy and handsome and masculine.

He's beautiful.

Like, I don't know.

It's those cheekbones, man.

Yes.

He's a pretty man when he wants to be.

Yeah.

But, yeah, I mean, of course, Michael Keaton and those pointy ass lips.

Razor-sharp tips of the lips.

I think I'm giving hunk of the movie to Danny DeVito.

Okay.

All right.

And I'll tell you what.

I get it.

You need attention.

No, it's not an attention thing, but it's because I haven't talked in a while.

And I just feel like talking.

Say some stuff, Matt.

Say whatever word you're talking about.

I just haven't talked in a while.

And no,

the reason is because, you know, he plays this very gross little guy.

And yet, as soon as he starts giving a speech to Gotham,

I realize like, oh, yeah, man, he's got Riz.

And there's something about his Riz.

I mean, the problem is at one point he's eating the fish raw, and everyone thinks he's weird.

Yeah, but when he tries, he's the hottest dude in this movie by far.

Well, I think that maybe that is an Oswald Cobblepot, like,

um,

I don't know, trait because when you watch anything else, like the new

television show, yeah, in which the penguin is not an actual fucking penguin, yeah, he does a funny little walk, he does a funny walk, but he's not the richest or most like attractive man, but his power of persuasion

is his biggest strength.

Exactly.

Which I didn't realize that until watching this again.

That is his biggest strength.

That's his thing.

He's got the gift of gap.

He can talk his way out of anything.

And it is sexy.

Yeah.

It's sexy.

So I think he's the hunk.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, we are going to rank Batman Returns when we come back.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined!

No, no, no, it's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Lom.

I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

We're back!

It's free with ads.

We're going to rank Batman Returns on a scale of 1 to 10 super loud commercials.

But first, we want to tell you about some bonus episodes you can get of this show and all the Max Fun shows.

Go to maximumfund.org/slash join, support the network, and you will get our bonus episodes, including our two-part Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode, our upcoming Buffy the Vampire Slayer musical episode, and as Emily mentioned, we watched the pilot of Gotham for this show.

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And of course, you can also get our merch at maxfunstore.com.

Let's go ahead and K.

Batman, 1 to 10, super loud commercials.

Emily, I think you're the biggest fan of this movie, I think.

So I'll let you go last.

I'll start her off.

I also love this movie.

It's so gorgeous.

Again, if you have not seen it seen it in HD, do it, do it.

It looks so good.

And yeah, I mean, and it's so, so weird.

It's wild to think that this weird movie, which maybe would get made today, but it would be like an A24 movie that plays in three theaters.

Like the fact that this was a blockbuster.

It was a really explains itself.

Yeah, and would have too much backstory.

Yes.

That this is like a weirdo movie, had happy meal toys and shit.

I don't know if it specifically did, but I'm sure.

I think it did.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I think it's so

wild that this was like a blockbuster.

And yeah, it's so cool and so, so fun to rewatch.

I'm giving it a nine.

Oh.

Matt, what'd you think?

I am sorry that I'm going to do this, but I just have very, I have very strong feelings about this movie in general, which is that

I think it's good,

but I can't fully enjoy it as an adult because I'm scared of when he gets electrocuted and because I feel like the penguin being an actual penguin is a weird thing.

I'm not weird.

The movie is weird.

So I give it it a six.

I like it.

It's fun.

It's not my favorite Batman series.

You know,

I do like Nolan, even though I don't like the Nolan Batmobile.

But it was fun.

I'm glad.

I'm excited to watch more Batman movies in the future and to know what you think because I will never forget this moment.

I know.

I knew I was, I felt like I was betraying you by not liking you.

This is replaced the Moonstruck in the middle.

Yeah, this is, yeah, new moonstruck.

I just forgot about the Moonstruck thing.

I've just remembered how much I hate you.

Yeah, you forgot that I

love you i share different opinions

they're wrong emily what do you think take it home all right first of all i just looked up um you know kids meal.fandom.com and it's pretty page i mean it's pretty cool there was like not only toys there were cups that are pretty rad and i'm gonna need the the catwoman cup stat stat but um yeah i guess catwoman had her own mobile there was a catwoman mobile from me dog

anyway i'm gonna need that um it's a tippy tin for me dog.

I know

I've been pretty

fruitful.

Like, I've been

doling them out.

I've been doling out the tippy tens lately.

Here's what I love about it.

Tim Burton, Paul Ribbon, I do think that there is a correlation between imagination and

justifying.

like plot points in reality.

Yes.

And I really love the way he just,

you feel like you live in a world of someone's imagination as opposed to living in a world that has justifications and reasoning.

I love the world that this movie exists in.

Also, I love Batman the Animated Series.

This feels like watching Batman the Animated Series, but as a live-action movie for me personally,

I love this fucking movie.

Michelle Pfeiffer is the goat.

This is the best performance I've ever seen her do.

I love her so much.

Other than Grease 2.

Other than Grease 2, of course.

Yeah, Lizzie.

Yeah, I guess we have talked about a Michelle Pfeiffer movie.

Yeah, other than Grease 2.

Yeah, this is her second best performance.

Second best performance.

We all know.

So, yeah, I love this fucking movie so much.

I think it is my favorite Batman movie, period.

But I'm excited to watch the other ones in the future.

Maybe they can change my mind.

All right.

That was Batman Returns.

We think you should watch it.

Let's talk about some plugs.

Anybody got anything going on, Matt?

Any?

I sure do.

Come to the Elysion on May 30th and see myself and my wife.

Hell yeah.

We're going to do a live podcast, live obituation room with Francesca Fiorentini with me and others.

Come check it out.

Pick it link in the description.

Elysian Theater on LA's beautiful east side.

That's right.

Emily, you got anything?

Yeah, I got May 24th.

I will be performing at the Broadwater.

I'm doing stand-up, and I think the show is called The Come Report.

I think I've promoted this before.

I think I'm headlining.

Hey,

finally.

Finally.

You're headlining the cum report.

Anyway, that's kind of what I'm doing.

I showed up a month ago on the 24th thinking it was that day.

Okay.

It wasn't.

But it's actually May 24th, so come on out, please.

The Broadwater is also in LA.

Yes, the Broadwater is, it's a pretty cool, like, independent theater.

Oh, yeah.

And there'll be other people, I guess, full of come.

I don't know.

Sure, maybe.

Young, dumb, young, dumb, and hopefully full of come.

Hey, if you're a Canadian and you live near Toronto, come see me at the Toronto Comic Arts Festival.

I'm going to be there June 7th and 8th, selling books, signing books.

It's a free event.

It is at 50 Carlton Street in Toronto.

Please come by.

It's a really, really cool event supported by a library.

We love them.

Okay, coming up next week, a very special episode.

Let's set the table a little bit.

We had a discussion a couple weeks ago where Matt and Emily vaguely remembered movie posters from their childhood.

That made us us horny.

That made you horny and afraid.

Yes.

And you were wondering if they were actually real movies.

Yes.

Matt's was an aunt on titty movie.

That's right.

And y'all found it so quick.

Immediately.

Someone, I think, basically Googled Titty's covered in ants and found it.

And I was like, oh, I should have done that.

But Emily's was kind of hard.

We got a lot of stuff that wasn't right.

And it was so close.

Like, people sent me stuff that was really good, but I can't believe this.

I started thinking, because I thought it was a a movie cover i saw on a grocery store right dear not deerberg it was like uh i don't know what it was dearbergs i think was the name of the grocery wiggly wiggly something but they had a little movie section and i every time i went to the grocery store i get horny from just looking at this um cassette tape and i thought it was bernadette peters right in like scantily clad clothes and hands ripping her clothes off and it was like gray in the background and it was bernadette peters

i i thought maybe it was a figment of my imagination you guys sent me amazing options, and oh my fucking God,

finally, someone found it.

Found it.

I can't believe it's real.

Like, I just feel like there's this universal connection to my past self.

Yeah.

Okay.

And not only did someone find it, but it is available.

It's free.

So

next week, we will be watching Stripped to Kill Two Live Girls from 1989.

As of this recording, streaming free on Plex.

It's a horror movie about Strippers.

We have not watched it yet.

We will be watching it and bringing our findings to you next week on the show.

Tune in, please.

I'm so excited.

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supported directly by you.