Dead Ringers: Ep 6. Super-injunctions, Superheroes, and, er, Diane Abbott.

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Hello, I'm Greg Jenner, host of You're Dead to Me, the comedy podcast from the BBC that takes history seriously.

Each week, I'm joined by a comedian and an expert historian to learn and laugh about the past.

In our all-new season, we cover unique areas of history that your school lessons may have missed-from getting ready in the Renaissance era to the Kellogg brothers.

Listen to You're Dead to Me Now, wherever you get your podcasts.

Suffs, the new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We demand to be honest.

Winner, best score.

We demand to be seen.

Winner, best book.

We demand to be quality.

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs, playing the Orpheum Theater, October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.

BBC Sounds, Music, Radio, Podcasts.

This is Times Radio.

I'm Andrew Neal.

The last strawberry in the bottom of the tray that tastes a bit funny.

This morning, I'm joined by Diane Abbott.

Andrew,

hello.

Your levity is noted and will be acted upon.

Well, Diane, you've been busy.

You've been going on the record about those comments that got you suspended from labour a couple of years ago.

The ones about there being different kinds of racism.

But I stand by those comments, Andrew, and I am unanimous in that regard.

So you're repeating your claim that racism against black people is different to racism against travellers or Jewish people?

Andrew, it's obvious.

Prejudices towards people of colour emerge straight away, but with prejudices towards Jewish people, you have to wait for them to offer you a bagel or invite you to a bar mitzvah before Jeremy, I mean before people other than Jeremy are prejudiced towards them.

I think I see what you're saying, unfortunately.

Racism can take many forms, Andrew.

You can look at me straight away and be prejudicial about my skin colour, but you have to wait for me to open my mouth to be prejudicial towards me for the stupid things I say.

I'm hearing, Diane, that you've just been suspended from the Labour Party again.

Oh, good.

You're pleased?

Well, yes.

Apparently, if I can get suspended six times, I get a free can of MS Mojito.

Dead ringers.

You're listening to today with Nick Robinson in London.

And Emma Barnett in court getting a super injunction to prevent Nick from talking to me.

Now more on the Afghan data leak scandal, which revealed this week that an anonymous government worker hit send on the wrong document, ultimately costing the UK £7 billion in a secret relocation scheme.

The unnamed worker in question has now agreed to speak exclusively to the BBC.

Yes, it's me!

The agent of chaos strikes again.

Liz Truss.

Who else?

Izzy Wizzy.

Let's get Lizzy.

Oops, I did it again to quote Brittany.

Classic trustmeister, fat fingering the UK into yet another mess.

Not my fault, though.

So, whose fault is it?

Well, obviously, it was the left-wing communist deep state, Nick.

They made me accidentally press send to all

just before they also made me be the worst prime minister we've ever had.

And would you like to apologise for any of this?

Nick, I'm Liz Tross.

Sorry, yes, silly question.

I know!

And now on BBC One, it's a welcome, if unexpected, return to Wolf Hall as Mark Ryland stars as Sir Thomas Cromwell.

You sent for me, King Henry.

Indeed so, my Lord Cromwell.

I hear you have some disturbing news.

I do, my liege.

I have heard from the BBC, and I'm afraid to say that they have decided to let you go from the series.

Let me go?

But I'm King Henry VIII.

For what reason?

Multiple complaints from women.

They include ribbald comments, unwanted touching, and cutting their heads off.

This is brutal.

For a regal man with a direct manner, this court has become a dangerous place.

What has it come to if I can't even take my breeches off and wave little Henry around my own palace?

Let me see these blasted charges.

I do not understand.

All these events took place over 500 years ago.

Indeed, my lord, I believe that is what the BBC calls acting swiftly on the evidence.

You on this list too, Cromwell.

Apparently you used racist language in the tapestry room.

I have no recollection of the alleged incident and do not believe that it happened.

Too late, Sir Thomas.

Come!

Take him away!

But who will be your most trusted confidant and advisor now, my lady?

That'll be me, Mush.

The newly ennobled Sir Gregory Wallace of Meat and Touvets.

I knew I'd fall on my feet.

I can see my trademark sense of humour and blokey banter being perfectly in tune with the 16th century, where there are a lot fewer mouthy birds of a certain age who couldn't take a bloody joke.

Boy, Henry, anyone ever tested you for autism?

I like him.

I like him a lot.

BBC Radio's Five Live.

This is Five Live.

I'm Adrian Giles, the sort of strange uncle that comes to your barbecue, but then won't leave until well after it's polite to have done so.

We can go live now to the White House where Donald Trump is speaking to reporters.

Mr.

President, do you have anything more to say about the Epstein files?

Shut up about Epstein, you losers.

Who cares?

The Donald has always said and not said that there is and there isn't an Epstein file.

If there was an Epstein file and it is or it isn't a Bigley file,

Jeffrey would be using it right now to dig his way out of his cell, Shawshank style.

My Attorney General, Pam Bondi Beach, has done the best job.

She's done the best job not releasing the Epstein files, which don't exist, and that is why I'm calling on her to release the Democrat hoax Epstein files.

Sir, you're saying she should release the non-existent Epstein files?

Correct.

Unless Pam James Bondi does or doesn't release them, I shall sack her and replace her with my good friend Gillen Maxwell.

What a great lady.

Party girl back in the day.

Last question.

Mr.

President, why did you phone the BBC this week for a chat?

Because I love the BBC now.

It's full of perverts and sex weirdos.

You're listening to the world at one and didn't your morning go slowly.

The Afghan data leak superinjunction issued by the Conservative government in 2022 has rocked Westminster.

The then Prime Minister joins me now.

What?

Yes, it's me.

Yes,

we'd almost forgotten.

Mr.

Johnson, did you know of this superinjunction?

I didn't know about it.

I ordered the damn thing.

You did?

And you're happy to confirm that now on the record?

Because if this injunction hadn't been lifted, the public might never have known about all this.

What do you mean, lifted?

I mean, well, the injunction is over.

The story is everywhere.

It is?

Oh, Christ!

You mean to say the little rascal knows I'm his daddy?

Wait, what...

What super injunction are you talking about?

What superinjunction are you talking about?

Boris Jr., Boris Jr.

II?

Boris Seller?

No, no, no, no.

I mean the...

Boris Jr.

III, Boris Jr.

Jr., Boris Jr.

IV, Boris Jr.

Sr., Boris Sena.

No, no, no, no, I'm talking about...

Boris Jr.

the sixth, seventh, eighth, foie, John Doe, Johnny Appleseed,

Stanley, Juan Carlos, Miguel, Adolphe, or Alanis Borissette.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

Oh yes, I've forgotten about them.

Is it there?

I'm talking about the superinjunction on the afghan data league that's brilliant news as i definitely don't have one

mr johnson this injunction was placed to prevent a national scandal threatening the lives of 100 000 afghans yes but on the plus side it keeps the big dog's baby jam off the front pages and inside a variety of south london ladies where it belongs

don't tell anyone i said that or consider yourself injuncted bozer big dog wah wah geek out

Hello and welcome to the rest is football with me Gary Lineker and despite leaving, still the BBC's top earner by quite some margin.

I'm joined for this special episode by my old mates Alan Shearer and Rio Ferdinand as we record ourselves doing a watch-along of the Lionesses' Thursday night quarter-final match against Sweden because we feel passionately that the women's game still doesn't get the attention or respect it deserves.

Right, Alan and Rio?

Oh, I couldn't agree with you more, Gary.

A thousand million billion percent, Gary.

Yeah, I guess we're just good guys.

And we're off.

Wow, straight away, that was an incredible, respectful nod of the head from Alan there.

Well, I saw the opportunity and took it, Gary.

But there's a moment to show support for the women in this game.

You know, you've got to take it.

Oh, look, here's a chance.

Rio's making a move off the sofa, extending his knees into a standing position.

Oh, fantastic.

This is his moment, Gary.

He's widening his arms.

I think he's going to bring his hands together.

Will he finish it?

Oh, some brilliant, respectful clapping shown there for the women by the former England International.

Oh, it just feels right, Gary, you know, to be out there giving the women's game and the women playing it the attention they should be getting.

Totally agree, Rio.

It's honestly terrible that some people still don't take much notice of the women's game and this tournament in particular when compared to the men's.

Oh, it's an absolute shocker, Gary.

You know, some people have no respect.

Hang on a minute, guys.

What's up, Rio?

I've just looked at the telly.

Yes, and?

We're watching the golf.

Oh, right.

Should I switch over to the Lioness's game?

Nah, we can just look up the score on our phones later.

You're watching the 10 o'clock news with me, Clive Myrie.

I may be number 13 on the BBC's highest earners list, but I'm number one on your wife's to-do list.

This week, Energy Secretary Ed Miliband branded the Conservative Party as anti-science for rejecting net zero.

The Conservative leader Kemi Baitnock joins me now.

Miss Baitnock, how do you respond to this accusation?

Hello, Clive.

First, let me answer your question with another question.

Would someone who is anti-science do this?

Hmm.

Sorry, what are you doing?

In order to demonstrate my point, I am finding the resonant frequency of this news desk.

Hmm.

I'm not sure that demonstrates anything.

Of course, it does.

I can detect the resonant frequencies of any object or person, Clive.

Miss Baknock, why do you do this?

Because I am a low-energy weirdo.

In fact, you can call me the low-energy secretary.

Detecting frequencies is just one of my scientific hobbies, Clive.

Others include blowing bubbles made of frozen bisto, injecting silence into sea cucumbers, and trapping moonlight in biro tubes.

Do you want me to detect your frequency?

Hold still.

That does feel weird.

Thank you.

Anything?

You are a perfectly formed Major F.

Well, any housewife could have told you that.

That's right, yes.

You're listening to today with me, Nick Robinson.

And me, Emma Barnett.

Former Defense Secretary Ben Wallace has defended his decision to take out the Data League superinjunction.

Ben Wallace, Greg Wallace, is there any Wallace not tainted by scandal?

The last decent Wallace joins us.

Lovely to be here.

I loved the Wensleydale sandwiches in the green room.

So Wallace, you have a squeaky clean image, so why has this story surfaced regarding a complaint made by Gwendolyn about your inappropriate conduct?

It wasn't deliberate, Emma.

I invented a window cleaning machine and it broke and grabbed her on the bum instead.

But you admit you were wearing the wrong trousers at the time.

Because I'm autistic.

Just look at me.

I've worn the same tank top for 30 years.

Right, and can you address the rumoured reason why your dog hasn't said a word for all these years?

Oh, he'll never talk.

Cracking superinjunction, grommets.

Keir Starmer surprised many in Westminster by removing the whip from four Labour rebel MPs.

The Prime Minister joins me.

It was time to show my party who's boss, Nick.

It's me, Keir the Cruel.

I'm savage.

I'm ruthless, a man of conviction who rules through fear,

through terror, with an iron grasp on power, as I banish into the dustbin of history these naysayers who dared question Keir's authority.

From there, they will never return.

But many observers say, far from looking strong, this makes you look petty and weak.

What does it?

Oh, Maco Satan come back.

Let's just forget it ever happened.

Hello, I'm Greg Jenner, host of You're Dead to Me, the comedy podcast from the BBC that takes history seriously.

Each week, I'm joined by a comedian and an expert historian to learn and laugh about the past.

In our all-new season, we cover unique areas of history that your school lessons may have missed, from getting ready in the Renaissance era to the Kellogg Brothers.

Listen to You're Dead to Me Now, wherever you get your podcasts.

Suffs, the new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We demand to be home.

Winner, best score.

We demand to be seen.

Winner, best book.

We demand to be qualified.

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs, playing the Orpheum Theater, October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.

Hello, you're through to our technical support helpline.

Can I start by taking your name, please?

Benjamin Netanyahu.

And how may I assist you today, Mr.

Netanyahu?

I'm experiencing some technical errors.

In fact, I've had a number of technical errors recently.

No problem at all.

I'll get that sorted for you right away.

Is it a phone or a laptop causing you problems?

No, it's my drones.

Your drones?

Yes.

Each time I order an airstrike on Islamic terrorists, they seem to target children queuing for water instead.

Which can only be explained as a technical error.

Right.

And have you tried turning them off and on again?

Yes, but then they target a food convoy.

The strange thing is, the drones themselves are brand new.

I bought them from a small boutique outlet called United Kingdom.

Right, maybe it's a faulty batch.

Possibly, except I've used the exact same missiles to attack Iran's nuclear infrastructure and Syria's military headquarters.

And they all hit their targets perfectly.

It's a real head scratcher.

Well, in that case, you might need to speak to your supplier and see if they can send you some replacements.

Replacements?

No, no, no, no, no.

I don't want replacements.

The reason I'm calling is: do you know where I can get more missiles with technical errors?

And how many technical errors would I need to blow up a hospital?

From the people who bought you Eau de Starma, Eau de Varage and Eau de Baidenoc comes a new fragrance.

It's exciting, just like the Liberal Democrats.

Davy.

A fragrance from a man or a woman.

But definitely not a Prime Minister.

Perfect for when you're on top of a water water slide or messing about on Lake Windermere.

With the salty scent of paddleboard.

And top notes that makes you think...

Did he not get enough attention as a child?

Plus, an unmistakable bass of...

Desperation.

Oh, de Davies.

It's as subtle as a sledgehammer.

This

sledgehammer?

We don't need you to demonstrate with an actual sledgehammer.

See, because this sledgehammer that I'm hitting the ground with isn't subtle at all.

We get it.

Please stop.

What I'm saying is that my perfume isn't subtle.

It's not a hard concept to understand.

In fact, it's the opposite.

Perhaps I'd better demonstrate one more time.

Don't do put a sock in it, you tedious clown.

Well, funnily enough, I happen to have a red nose and some very large shoes in my back, shall I?

Absolutely not.

BBC Sounds, music, radio, podcasts.

Welcome back to the newscast studio with me, Adam Fleming, and me, Chris Mason.

President Trump has threatened Russia with a massive 100% tariff unless it reaches a ceasefire deal in 50 days.

So, Adam, what do you reckon?

Will Trump follow through?

Or is it another case of taco?

The now infamous acronym for Trump Always Chickens Out.

It sounds simplistic, but actually it really does represent a pattern that plays out over and over again with Trump.

The same applies for Nacho.

Nacho.

Netanyahu arguably committing humanitarian outrages.

That's because I made it up myself.

You see, as a political correspondent, it's a real challenge to convey complex geopolitical maneuverings to an audience.

So I've decided to embrace these snack acronyms or snachronyms, if you will.

Okay, but back to Russia.

Do you think Putin will call Trump's bluff?

I think Panini.

Okay, what's that?

Putin always never intends nothing intentionally.

Chris, perhaps clunkily retrofitting nuanced politics into acronyms is a bad idea.

But I've got a whole list of them, and I really want people to hear how clever they are.

Like sandwich, that's starmer, always negotiates decisively within an international context of hostility.

And muffin, maybe Ursula von der Leyen feels frustrated with isolationist negativity.

How about Fajita?

For sure, all humanity is heading towards Armageddon.

Fajita has a J in the middle, Adam.

They don't work if your spelling is sloppy.

Toast, Chris.

I beg your pardon.

Toss off your annoying specky twerp.

Welcome to Newsnight with me, Victoria Derbyshire.

I'm a straight shooter, so if you're hiding around a corner, you're perfectly safe.

Nearly 60 Labour MPs have written a letter to the Foreign Secretary calling on the UK government to immediately recognise Palestine as a state.

David Lammy joins me now.

What's your response to their letter?

Well, Victoria, I don't have a response to the letter yet as i am still trying to come up with one no open it

david

it's me david your inner monologue here

you've been foreign secretary for over a year now

something no one thought was possible least of all me

So although that was a tricky question, I want you to answer it in the relaxed manner of an established government minister.

I am personally committed to a two-state solution.

Good, David.

Focus.

You almost sound statesman-like.

By helping Palestinians attain a brand new state...

Where are you going with this, David?

Which is a state of mindfulness.

What?

No,

David!

You've dropped a lamby!

I think what the people of Gaza should do is close their eyes and breathe in.

David,

you've forgotten something.

And then breathe out.

I always forget that bit.

Time Secretary, are you all right?

No, he is not all right.

He's an absolute lammy.

Tonight on Love Island,

it's the breakup no one saw coming.

When I thought he was arguing, I was like, Hi, Key Shots, like OMG.

What?

It's like they like seemed like, well, like the perfect couple.

That's right, it's all over between Angela and Unite.

I'm not going to lie, I'm fuming.

Unite was 100% my type of union on paper because they campaigned for statutory workers' rights plus their well-paying.

And what caused the shock split?

A domestic argument.

Basically, we had a row over who should take the bins out.

They said no one until they get a pay rise.

And I said, bloody get on with it, because Birmingham stinks and bins give me the ick.

It was a proper bust-up.

And then they got all suss and pied me.

Although, actually, I'd already pied them weeks ago.

Coming up after the break, Angela is offered solace from an unlikely source.

Can I pull you for a chat, babes?

Just wondering where your head's at, whether you'd be interested in recoupling with me in Casocentrism.

It's pretty Gucci.

Chug on King, you mug.

Fair enough, here's what it is.

In a world filled with death and despair, there is one group of superheroes dedicated to upholding all that is good and decent.

Sir Ian McCallan.

You have shown great bravery, young hobbits.

Sir Patrick Stewart.

You have shown the Klingons a metal, Mr.

Riker.

Dame Judy Dent.

You have shown Spectre what for 007.

And Alan Bennett.

You have shown me a dick pic, Steve, from Essex.

Looks like a tortoise in a packamac.

I'm beginning to regret joining Grinder.

They are the National National Treasures.

The National Treasures have been summoned to their secret base deep beneath BAFTA headquarters.

Pay attention everyone.

There's a terrible crisis that requires our assistance.

What crisis, Dame Judy?

Gaza?

Ukraine?

The host pipe banned?

No.

Both Greg Wallace and now the other one have been sacked from MasterChef.

And we have to save the BBC from itself.

They're stuck with an entire series and two Christmas specials they can't broadcast.

What a frothy little program of people cooking and other people saying, that's quite nice, can't be shown on the television.

However, will people cope?

Well, because we're all just so nice, they're reshooting Master Chef and inserting us as new presenters.

Patrick, you're Greg Wallace.

Sir Ian, you're John Tarode.

Why am I John Tarode?

Well, you can be Greg Wallace if you like.

John Taroda.

What's my motivation for being Greg Wallace?

Mostly baldness.

Make it so.

What about me, Dame Judy?

Alan, you'll be a pan-fried salmon with samphire and rocket

on a bed of raised asparagus shoots served with a red wine and celeriac juice.

I think I've got three Olivier awards.

In, Patrick, here are your scripts.

Let me have a look.

The sauce cuts through the asparagus,

but I am not sold on the garnish,

Greg.

You are having a laugh, Tarode.

My taste bugs are boogieing with each other right now.

I tell you what, four.

I wouldn't marry this meal, but I'd take it away for a dirty weekend.

Who wrote this shit?

We can't do this, Dame Judy.

This patience.

You can and you will.

Have you forgotten how I had to be Hugh Edwards for three months last year?

I was so convincing I'm now not allowed to see either of my goddaughters.

Exactly, and I didn't want to be Gary Lineker either, but I mastered both tweeting pious opinions on Gaza and studiously avoiding the subject of trans women in sport in just one afternoon.

So come on, boys.

We're the only thing standing in the way of Channel 5 becoming the national broadcaster.

Oh, bloody hell.

What is it?

Oh, it seems that now we've all been sacked by the BBC's hysterical new guidelines.

Oh, dear.

I should never have opened that dick pic.

Dared Ringers was performed by John Colshaw, Jan Ravens, Lewis McLeod, Jess Robinson, and Duncan Wisby.

The writers were Nev Fountain and Tom Jameson, Lawrence Howard, Rob Darr, Tom Colbles, Tucson Douglas, Sophie Dixon, Joe Toppy, and John Holmes.

With additional material by Lizzie Mansfield, Rachel E.

Thor, Davina Bentley, Alice Bright, Phoebe Butler, Declan Kennedy.

It was a BBC Studios audio production for Radio 4.

Dared Ringers was created by Bill Dare, and the the producer was John Holmes.

Hello, I'm Brian Cox.

I'm Robin Inks, and we're back for a new series of the Infinite Monkey Cage.

We have our 201st extravaganza, where we're going to talk about how animals emote when around trains and tunnels, or something like that.

I'm not entirely sure.

Doing one on potatoes.

Of course, we're doing one on potatoes.

You love potatoes.

I know, but yeah, you love chips.

I'll only enjoy it if it's got curry sauce on it.

We've also got techno-fossils, moths versus butterflies, and a history of light.

That'll do, won't it?

Listen first on BBC Sounds.

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