The News Quiz: Ep 3. Power Outrage

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Hello.

In order to make sure we get through this week's recording of the news quiz without being interrupted by one of those very trendy massive nationwide power cuts that are all the rage in europe these days we are using our emergency backup power generator which is this giant hamster wheel

that was uh left over from when blue peter tried to crossbreed a gerbil with a woolly mammoth in a test tube never work sadly powered by this gary lineker

We've been told to use him as much as possible while he's still on the payroll.

Right.

It's still the only noisy response to.

Come on Gary, crank it up.

We've got a show to do.

Theme June please.

Faster Gary, faster.

Better, pretend you're playing for Spurs again.

Oh that was a mistake.

Pretend you play for England again.

Now we're there.

Welcome to the news quiz.

Welcome to the news quiz.

I am Andy Zoltzman, our teams this week, paying tribute to what has been going on in Spain and Portugal and Donald Trump's first 100 days.

We have Team Power Outage against Team Power Outrage.

On Team Outage, Ed Byrne and Lucy Porter.

And on Team Outrage, Jeff Norcott and the author and political journalist, Marie LeConte.

I should say we are recording before the results of Thursday's local elections come out, so we cannot do anything on UK party politics this week.

We will come back to it next week.

Such is the world we live in.

So Donald Trump, the president of the USA, passed his 100 days back in office this week.

Obviously, he dominates the news agenda, but we don't want him to completely take over this week's show.

So, for all of this week's starter questions, the answer could be about Trump, but isn't.

So, the first of our not Trump starter questions, this can go to Ed and Lucy.

Where in the world this week has found itself fumbling around in an enveloping darkness, with the pillars of civilization crumbling, almost taken backwards to a bygone age, leaving people desperately wondering how on earth what's happened has happened.

About Trump, what is that about?

Well, if it's not Trump, then I think it's Spain

where they had a power outage and no one could do any work for a whole afternoon, which luckily had no impact on the government.

So the power went out in Spain and Portugal and parts of France for a time.

Nobody really knows why at the time of recording.

They think it wasn't a cyber attack.

My guess is the Spanish energy minister simply pulled out the plug marked Portugal so he could charge his phone.

People People were stuck in lifts, the trains weren't working, blackouts, everywhere.

Obviously, in the Spanish blackout, very important to keep a pin between your teeth in case a football official tries to kiss you.

It's difficult to report on something like this without being really boring.

Because

you read about it in the paper, and it was like, it was a massive power cut.

Yeah, there was a massive power cut.

Yeah, some people were stuck in lifts.

Yep, that's what happens in a massive power cut, all right?

Some people reported ATMs weren't working.

Yep, that tracks.

That would be the sort of thing.

Some hospitals had to shut some stuff, but other hospitals had power generators.

Yes, this very much sounds like a power cut.

And the airports obviously were out, which means Simon Calder got a call.

I'm sorry, but I have a B in my bonnet about it.

I'm sure he's a lovely guy, and anytime I hear him, I'm sure he's very informative.

But Simon Calder is the travel editor of The Independent, and anytime anything happens at all to do with travel, he's the person we call.

No one else.

Why is the Monopolies Commission not looking to the iron grip Simon Calder has on travel?

Does Does anyone else even have a travel editor?

Like, the Guardian tried to hire one and he gets a knock on the door from Simon Calder's goon squad going, step down, you don't want this fight.

Step up Simon Calder's territory.

I mean, there were questions asked about the very foundations of civilization and how we in the UK would cope in such a scenario.

Well, if you speak to Brits at airports, I always think in these situations, Brits at airports on the news are the best people.

You know, there are people in war zones that are more chipper

than somebody who's going to Malaga a day late.

The EU immediately they said it was definitely not a cyber attack.

They used the word definitely, which made me think it definitely was a cyber attack.

That's the kind of thing I'd say of my wife.

I'm like, baby, I definitely did not take the meat out of the freezer and leave it out for a while, partially defrost it, then put it back in the freezer.

What do you make of it, Marie?

Because it's put a bit of pressure on the Spanish government for their response to it.

It did what I, I mean, originally, I would say I was kind of planning to do my French woman bit of being that, oh god, you know, the UK could not cope, etc.

And then I remember that a few years ago in France, supermarkets did a sale on Nutella and there were riots.

So I have decided I'm not standing on solid enough ground to make any comment at this time.

I mean it's so awful to think of, isn't it?

Like if it happened in this country, just teenagers talking to their parents, men sitting in a toilet having to read the ingredients on neurofin like the old days.

It's just

awful z's.

What's the most boring thing you've ever read because you didn't have your phone with you?

I once found myself on the toilet on an airplane and I read my passport.

But did anybody ever think of like doing a whole book of like painkiller ingredients?

I think if there was a blackout, I would force some rhubarb.

Force some rhubarb.

I hear that works well in the dark.

Right.

What is that?

Is that a euphemism?

What does that mean?

It's when you keep the plant in the dark to make it grow faster.

Force.

They have like candles, don't they?

There's the rhubarb triangle in Yorkshire.

The rhubarb triangle in Yorkshire is where all the tractors mysteriously disappear, I think.

And do you have any key pieces of prepper advice?

for our listeners.

Well, we have got a wind-up radio so that we'll be able to listen to the archers at any point, which is crucial.

A Swiss army knife, because people will think that you're well prepared, but really, you only want it for the corkscrew.

I was all wind-up radio was just another term for the Today programme.

You always forget that most of it would be during the daytime.

I don't know why, because it's blackout.

We forget a lot of it would be fully lit.

Yes, large parts of Spain and Portugal were this week cast into modern oblivion.

Song's internet, songs, mobile phone, sons social media, sons everything.

Traffic was grid-locked, there were power cuts, trains got stuck where they were for hours, essentially everything just ground to a halt.

Living here in the UK, it's very hard to imagine what that must have been like.

People were without mobile phones and the internet for several hours, temporarily bumping Spain and Portugal into the top two of the World Happiness Index.

Spain was able to find a way through, as you would expect, from a nation that can exist on cold soup and indestructible but sumptuous hams.

But there are questions.

but there are questions about how the UK would cope in a similar event.

Of course, as a nation, we have prepared quite robustly for such things, primarily by ensuring huge swathes of the population can't afford to turn their electricity on in the first place.

Well, in other outage news, let's go to Ed and Lucy, which high street giant found a new reason to be terrified of spiders?

Marks and Spencer's, they suffered a cyber attack and it has affected a lot of their products and deliveries.

And it was a group called something.

Scattered Spider using Dragon Force Ransomware.

I mean, they definitely won the battle of the brand name.

For Scattered Spider to use Dragon Force Ransomware against Mexico.

You could almost hear and feel the collective tutting around the country by what was going on with a hack that brings the online retail branch of MS to its knees.

Because the interviews with people who have had things go wrong with their Marks and Spencer deliveries, it's the most middle-class complaint you've ever.

It's like all of them are prefacing with, well, I know it's not their fault, but

they shouldn't have taken the order if they knew there'd been a cyber attack.

And actually, the woman I spoke to was quite rude.

How much can anybody care when something like this big is happening to this big a company and you're phoning up and going, You took my order for flowers for my mother's 91st birthday and they didn't arrive?

We've lost 750 million pounds from our share price.

We are losing three and a half million a day dipping flowers up your mother's hole.

Can't you haven't delivered them?

But if this is Russia, I think we finally found something that the British public could get behind a boots on the ground campaign for.

Even Putin is not ready for a stressed home county's mum that it's her kids birthday and she needs a Colin the Caterpillar.

She doesn't need, you know, the little one like Steve the Moth or whatever.

Well, without Colin the Caterpillars, if you don't have Colin the Caterpillars, then people in offices will not know if it's their birthday or not.

Just don't know.

Just don't know.

It isn't just flowers.

It isn't just birthdays.

It was people ordering swimming trunks and stuff like that to go on their holidays and then they hadn't arrived.

Of course Simon Calder's got to be online.

Involved and find out about the impact on people's holidays.

I mean, you talk about a super villain.

It is like an attack on M ⁇ S doesn't feel like the most super villain thing, does it?

Sitting in your volcanic island going, no, Mr.

Bond, I expect you to get your profiteroles from Lidl this week.

Yes, well, to sum up this story,

pockets of limited availability, not only words spoken on the snooker commentary during a particularly complex bout of safety play at the Crucible this week, but also a supply chain issue for Marks and Spencer, the celebrity retail behemoth, which has been punched in the commercial groin by a cyber attack.

Destroy MNS addicts were seen wandering the streets of Britain without luxury sandwiches, Percy Pigs, or any underpants.

Deliveries of packaged foods to Ocado, half owned by MS, were paused.

The co-op shut down parts of its IT network after an attempted hack, and Harrods was delighted to be added to the list of retailers hacked by the hacksters.

So at least it was in the news for something other than what it's usually in the news for.

Right, at the end of that round, it's now five to Ed and Lucy, four to Jeff and Marie.

We're on to round two, our North America round now, and your not Trump starter question in round two, Jeff and Marie, is which large North American country has just voted in a leader with no background in electoral politics?

It's not anything to do with Trump, so what is the answer?

Could it perhaps be Canada?

Correct.

The Conservatives were leading in the pool for a very long time as well, and then Trump got elected, and then the Liberals kind of came back from the dead, and Unanimousy Carney became the leader, etc., and won.

And I will say my only slight disappointment, I think it has been really good news.

But so, you know, I think it's F on races or stuff, like when the person who wins just sprays champagne everywhere.

I'd love to see that with maple syrup

because actually, Australia, I think, is getting to the polls as we speak.

And, you know, the kind of like left government was meant to lose and actually is doing okay, you know, stay in power.

So it's this kind of idea that the US is now acting as a sort of like global portrait of Dorian Gray in the attic, sort of getting more and more right-wing while the rest of the world is like, oh, no, actually, we're fine now.

We've decided we're not going to live.

Mark Carney said, they tried to break us so they could own us.

I'm like, sorry, is this boring Mark Carney suddenly sounding like Gladiator?

I'm Glutius Marcius Carnius, father to an abandoned EU project,

vocal proponent of quantitative easing.

I will have fiscal pressure in this life or the next.

I mean,

Carney actually did the heroic love.

We spoke about who's going to do the love actually thing of actually standing up to Trump, right?

And Carney did it.

You know, a bar snogging Martin McCutcheon.

He basically delivered that.

Whereas Starmer, if he did a rom-com, who would Starmer be in a rom-com?

He'd be the jobsworth that almost stops the guy getting to the airport at the end, wouldn't he?

I don't think you're allowed to go on that plane.

Man, you're ruining the plot.

I mean, the Canadian guy goes, they're trying to break us, but they won't.

And our guy goes, you're trying to break us would you like tickets to Woods a castle

Canada well Canada is odd like that isn't it it is it's a very like there's a whole French-speaking bit of Canada Quebec and beyond where you get all these people and they speak French but they're Canadian so they're talking French but they're really friendly it's yes

come on to say it's been so nice to meet you

I do feel the need to point out that one of the candidates I actually looked them up was called Sebastian Curino,

and he is the supreme dealer of the Rhinoceros Party of Canada.

So I'm actually quite disappointed, you know, he didn't win.

If you see that guy and I'll raise you, they had a candidate called Garrett Dogger.

Now, you know you encourage some people not to investigate their family tree.

You know

I did like the other catchphrase that they had, which was elbows up,

which, you know, defiance in the face of US interference, but it's Canadian as you can get that elbows elbows up because it's a defensive posture in ice hockey and of course it is simply polite table manners.

News breaking shortly before we recorded, we'll have a question on this.

Now, Ukraine and US have just signed a deal that will give the US access to some stuff in exchange for some other stuff.

Who's getting the better end of that deal?

I think it's whoever's getting the most stuff.

Right, okay.

It's the minerals deal, isn't it?

Yes.

The minerals deal finally signed between UK UK well, that's the next one, but yeah, Trump's gonna get parts of Norfolk, but I

Kia will just go, and not only that, but you've got access to other Merlin attractions.

The problem with the news, right, is when that broke down, it was, we were all so sad.

That bust up in the Oval Office, everything's over, the West is over, there's gonna be Russian tanks in Cornwall within a week.

And now it is actually quite benevolent, it's better than everyone expected.

The US adopted a more sort of hostile tone to Russia.

But the news are like, yeah, don't tell the public about that.

I'm like, please tell us the good stuff too.

You know, no blackouts today.

No constituents punched by their MPs today.

I have to say my favourite bit about this story, and I'm just going to read from the actual news story, was actually about Trump.

So asked whether the minerals deal was going to inhibit Russian President Vladimir Putin.

Trump said, well, it could.

Well, thank you.

Back to the studio.

Because in terms of the art of the deal, I mean, a lot of people are pretty sceptical about whether this deal will stick.

And we will do do a full update on the story in, let's say, thirty five years from now.

I don't want to make the old end of the Cold War mistake again.

I mean Trump's press secretary said the deal represents the US taking an economic stake in securing peace.

There was also talk from within the Trump Administration about the importance of the value that will be created by that.

And I guess that's what wartime deals are all about.

Who can forget Winston Churchill rousing this nation by saying we will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the hills, and we will never surrender because peace is an unmissable business opportunity.

At the end of that round, the scores are now eight to Jeff and Marie, and seven to Ed and Lucy.

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Moving on now to round three.

Ed and Lucy, you can take this.

First, we'll have a food and drink round.

This is your not Trump starter question.

It's not about Trump.

What is it about?

Extending what tariff could make life a lot less sweet.

No, don't get me started on the sugar tax.

I hate it.

They've ruined everything.

I remember the first time I swigged a LucasAid.

It's in the title, LucasAid because of glucose.

It's supposed to be a source of sugar.

And the first time I glugged one with a hangover at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival and tasted the bitter fakery of artificial sweetener.

And I looked at it and went, oh man, they got you two.

It was like Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

So I'm quite against it.

And now they want to ruin milkshakes as well.

Yes.

So I'm again it.

Am I getting is that coming across?

Yeah, I'm getting that involved.

I feel it's wrong that I didn't have this much anger about Trump.

I think they're coming for adult drinks now because it's going to be like your coffees.

And basically, once you take the sugar out of my decaf oat milk latte, there won't be anything real left in it at all.

It's just.

It's also what it's doing just to the English language: is that you now have literally, I've seen it on cans, things being marketed as a low-calorie energy drink.

Now, does anybody know what a a calorie is a measure?

And the idea is that, you know, if you drink a caffeinated drink that's got no sugar in it, it just wires you to the moon.

It doesn't give you any energy.

It's a nervous breakdown in a cat.

That's all it is.

You're an adult man.

Have an espresso and then, you know, likely want to kill yourself or others, like normal people.

Still don't have sweet.

No,

what would you want to have?

Sweet drinks?

I mean, it's yeah, the taste.

I've just come back from France because all the drinks, they're in the same bottles as we have back home, but they've got sugar in them.

Yes, because we can be trusted with those.

I mean, look,

this is yet another policy by Labour that's going to make them unpopular with the working classes, isn't it?

What's next?

You can't name your dog after a footballer.

This is the only.

I mean, you're just expanding on a Conservative policy.

It was the Conservatives who brought it in, which to me seemed very odd because it's a problem.

It wasn't the only thing the Conservatives did that wasn't that Conservative.

I think that was part of their problem.

I mean, they always tax people for eating unhealthy food.

What about taxing people that eat healthy food but post about it constantly?

Let's tax those people.

This is literally the last thing the governments actually feel qualified to do.

Just tax sugar.

It's what is it, five percent now?

Then it'll be three percent tax, then they'll tax you for a plain candy crush.

It's it's just it is dismal.

Or like you say, like where does a milkshake begin?

I mean, I don't want to get the Supreme Court involved again, but it feels like that's the way this is going.

I think that compromise of keep the sugar but make them smaller.

Because when I was a young girl, drinks were like normal size, and now people are wandering around with drinks the size of a septic tank from a camper van.

I totally agree because they always go for like McDonald's, KFC, and Burger King.

You know, they come in for my family, really.

There, I've served the Colonel in many campaigns over the years.

But then you see all the stuff people have at coffee shops.

It's literally like a litre of diabetes.

Well, moving on to a more positive food and drink health story, Jeff and Marie.

It's well known, of course, that drinking milk straight out of a cow reduces the risk of getting a paper cut when opening a milk carton.

But

drinking what other renowned liquid could reduce the risk of what medical issue?

Scientists have found.

Fairy liquid in constipation.

That feels like a piece of actual Trump policy from Trump One.

Pretty sure he said that at a news conference.

It's champagne, isn't it?

Champagne can help you stop getting what?

It was sudden heart attacks.

Yes, sudden cardiac arrest.

My whole life, I just think this is how these research facilities get funding.

That's how they do it, is that every once in a while they tell you something that you're worried is bad for you is actually good for you and everyone, it makes everybody happy, right?

So you say coffee helps stave off dementia.

Red wine, good for the heart.

Crack cocaine, good anti-inflammatory.

I mean.

Well, yeah, the whole thing as well, because they said, oh, you know, yeah, it's champagne is good for you.

And then, as you say, they buried the lead a bit because then you read on.

And one of the contributory factors was maintaining a positive mood.

And you go, well, if you're drinking a lot of champagne,

presumably things are going pretty well.

You know, your only worry is whether you're butler's iron you're cumbund for Gleinbaum.

Drinking champagne, being thin, eating fruit, and having a happy attitude.

Being comfortably middle class.

Champagne is one of those things that I just can never imagine buying.

It's a level of like, imagine that that's your life, that you like literally buy champagne and just drink it.

Oh, yeah.

We cut to our French correspondent.

During lockdown, I bought a bottle of champagne for myself because my worst ex-boyfriend had just got fired from his job.

The only time I've ever bought it, not for an occasion.

And I have no regrets.

I drank it in the bath.

I was not doing well, to be clear.

It was not down for a break at the time.

That is the most glamorous nervous breakdown I have ever heard.

Mr.

French, Lucy, they just do stuff differently.

So stoic.

I mean, one of the things with drinking generally is that, like, if you had a problem with drink and you stopped drinking it, it turned your life around.

Nothing but admiration for that.

But there's another class of people that just stop drinking to prove that they can.

And I've had enough of that.

Do you know the ones where they sort of do dry January and then they start saying these ominous things like, go, I just didn't miss it.

You're like, I miss it.

I miss you being fun.

I miss

nights out that went beyond 9 p.m.

I miss anecdotes that didn't involve cycling.

I know we've had a pop at the middle-class met, but the cycling, what is it, lads?

I don't understand.

Like, why do you wear all the gear?

No one needs to be that aerodynamic for a hobby, man.

I used to occasionally give up booze for a month to prove that I could do it.

But then I was informed that apparently giving up booze for a month or so to prove you can do it is a sign of alcoholism.

So

I've made sure never to give up drink again.

When people stop drinking, they say things about alcohol that they think are revelatory.

So they'll say, like, you know, you only drink to change the way you feel.

You're like, yeah.

I've had 48 years of being me.

Every so often, the novelty wears off.

Scientists have claimed that champagne can reduce your chances of having a sudden cardiac arrest.

Sudden cardiac arrest, of course, is something that can stop you drinking champagne, so good to know that it can work both ways.

Well, that's the end of our food and drink round, and the scores are now 10 points all.

So for our final tiebreaker round with the scores tied, as tie-breaker rounds often are,

there was a poll this week of public behaviours that British people find most annoying.

Littering of various sorts, picked up the silver medal, 96%,

and failure to pick up your dogs, how shall we put this on an esteemed programme of historical record, posterial turgilistic exflagrations,

that topped the chart at 97%, which does raise the question, who are the 3%?

Unless you are an actual dog, raise the bar.

So our panelists have to tell me which of two things that are going to put them do British people find more annoying?

And the the first one, Ed and Lucy, what do British people find more annoying?

A, not making room on the pavement for others to pass, and B, coughing or sneezing without covering the mouth and nose.

What was interesting about that is that four of the things were basically about walking.

Yes.

Number five was not making room on a pavement for others to pass.

Number eight was walking without paying attention to where you're going.

Number eleven was suddenly stopping while walking.

And number nineteen was walking slowly.

I didn't realise Britain was such a nation of A-poor walkers or really busy walkers.

Yeah, young people were much more

annoyed about slow walking and walking generally and people my age.

I've got no hurry to be anywhere.

I just like to stop and have a think.

Right.

Only apologize.

But what do they find more annoying?

Poor pavement etiquette or failing to cover the snout area whilst coughing?

I think it's the first one.

Well, I don't know.

No, I think women found bodily fluids being ejected woolly-nilly.

And I say willy-nilly advisedly.

I think women hated that more.

I'm personally more bothered about people sharing their fluids.

So I would go for that one, but you've got to.

Go for it.

That is correct.

But it's close.

88% of people were very or quite annoyed by people failing to cover their snout area whilst coughing and seizing.

Only 87%

got annoyed by not making room on the pavement for others to pass.

So, what does that show about us as a nation that potentially spreading a pandemic is on a moral level with rude pedestrianism?

Is that

Jeff and Marie?

Your one is this.

What do people find more annoying?

People swearing and using foul language, or people talking loudly on their phone in public?

It's got to be music out of the phone, is it?

Like, talking's bad.

Yeah, I really

but also who who cares that much about swearing?

I think that, yeah, no, exactly.

The second one is just so obviously more annoying.

I think playing music out of the phone, my issue is all generations are doing that, it's every age.

But with teenage lads, it's almost always grime.

And I don't mind a bit of grime, but it is always grime.

And you're like, let's, you know, can we not have something that's a bit more accessible?

You know, show tune, maybe

a bit of Neil Diamond, something the whole carriage could enjoy.

What I do is I've started like playing the content that I enjoy back to the lads.

I'm like, yes, rest is history, lads, in your face.

I'm happy to see to your

you as a person.

So we're going with Marie's answer.

I say you're well spoken.

I think you're probably right.

Well, you are correct, Marie.

69% of British people find other people talking loudly on their phone in public annoying.

51% find public swearing annoying.

So running the stats on this, I think it means that if someone is talking loudly on their phone and you call them a,

you have statistically calmed the situation down.

Well, that means that after our tiebreaker round, it is a tied match.

So it's a draw between Jeff and Marie and Ed and Lucy.

I think they'll have a tiebreaker round and still end in a tie

is up there with a low calorie energy drink for me.

And just time to plug the new BBC app.

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It partners people with a communicable illness with other people who fancy a few days off work.

Makes them

hugely successful and seldom life-threatening, available via all the usual outlets.

Thank you very much for listening to the newsquiz.

I've been Andy Zaltzman.

Goodbye.

Taking part in the Newsquiz were Lucy Porter, Jeff Norcott, Ed Byrne and Marie LeComte.

In the chair with me, Andy Zoltzmann, and additional material was written by Cameron Loxdale, Laura Major, Ruby Clyde, and Eve Delaney.

The producer was Rajiv Currier, and it was a BBC Studios audio production for Radio 4.

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Sucks.

The new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We demand to be hurt.

Winner, best score.

We demand to be seen.

Winner, best book.

We demand to be quality.

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Suffs!

Playing the Orpheum Theater October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.

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