The News Quiz: Ep 1. Space, Steel and Strikes

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Hello!

At the end of the last series of the news quiz six weeks ago, I made a pledge to myself that every time something happened in world news that was annoying, ludicrous, unnecessary, and or distressing, I would keep myself calm by spending an hour learning how to juggle chainsaws and practicing my impression of Mark Steele.

On the minus side, I haven't slept for six weeks, but on the plus side...

I'm Andy Zortzman and welcome to the new series of the News Quiz.

Welcome to the News Quiz.

I am Andy Zossman.

Our teams this week we have Team Blast Furnace against Team Blast Off.

On Team Furnace we have Athena Koblenu and Zoe Lyons.

And on Team Off, Mark Steele and Hugo Rifkind.

Right, and

our first question can go to Mark and Hugo.

It's a missing word question.

The answer is the name of one of our four panelists today.

So this is the headline.

Government steps in to preserve as vital national resource.

What's the missing word?

A, steel.

B lions.

C Athena, I assume meaning the Parthenon marbles from the celebrity retired former Greek goddesses temple in Athens.

Or D, Hugo Rifkind?

What?

Is the answer there?

Well, this is, of course, another wonderful story of the success of privatisation.

And there are so many, it's been such a success all round.

People love the train companies, don't they?

Because you go to the station for a return from London to Manchester and they say that'll be £8,950.

So it'll be cheaper to buy a hovercraft and get Beyoncé to drive it and then

you get on the train and realise that that money doesn't even entitle you to a seat or to an open buffet or indeed to a train.

Or there's the water companies that don't even have to provide the water because the water is already there.

All they have to do is get it into your tap.

But they can't manage that without dumping millions of tons of human waste into it so it's like going to the bakers and they say oh no we don't bake any bread you bring in the bread and then we'll take turns to have a dump on it

or there's the gas companies that charge 80,000 pounds a day for gas and say it's not our fault it's because the side effects of the Franco-Prussian war

nothing we can do about it and now it's British steel and of course the people who've owned it various companies they go we can't afford to keep running it.

And then what happens with the steel is that it goes through a cycle where it's losing money.

And so the government says, Well, let's nationalize it because it's only fair to share all the losses out amongst all the people in the country.

And then it starts to make money.

And they go, Now we're going to sell it to a major company because it's only fair that half a dozen huge billionaire shareholders take all the profits so that they've got all the wealth out of it.

So it goes bankrupt, so they sell it off and we can share out the losses again.

Is that the answer?

What I've loved this week Andy is how much we've learned about steel and furnaces.

I know a lot more about blast furnaces than I did.

The main thing I've learned about them is if you switch off a furnace you can't switch it on again like trust in a marriage.

But I've also known what you've got to do is if you don't want it to break when you turn it off you've got to do something called the salamander tap.

Salamander tap is when you basically you tap you drill a hole into the bottom of it to get all the molten stuff stuff out, because otherwise you end up with this sort of immovable slag that ruins everything, like a really bad hen night.

You know,

sitting there.

And apparently the Chinese wanted to do the salamander tap, but the fear was they'd get it all wrong on purpose, meaning they'd be breaking the furnaces.

So we've had to get hold of all this coke to keep them going, because if you don't end up feeding it coke, it ends up totally, totally broken.

Also, like a really bad hen night.

Those furnaces are really old now as well, aren't they?

They were were built in the sort of 40s or 50s, I think, and

there's talk of having to have them replaced with more efficient electrical furnaces or just replace them with a couple of air fryers, because that seems quite popular at the moment.

Well, in order to keep the furnaces going, something very rare happened, Zoe and Athena.

Can you tell me what happened on a Saturday for only the sixth time since the Second World War?

Oh, I know this.

Jehovah's Witnesses took the day off

and let us have a lion, and it was amazing.

They recalled Parliament.

Yes.

They had to come back off their hollybobs.

Yeah, I mean,

it's quite an extreme event.

Only six times since the Second World War that the Commons has been recalled to sit on a Saturday.

So six times since World War II, that puts it the same number of times in that time period as a football manager has agreed with a refereeing decision against his own team.

And six ahead of the number of times a government breeding programme has successfully bred a pantomime horse with an actual horse.

The ongoing efforts to try and make the Grand National funnier.

But

they were so pleased with themselves.

It's because they're getting time and a half.

It's what it is.

Politically, for the Labour government, Hugo, it was quite a weird sort of cognitive distance about a Labour government doing the kind of thing a Labour government would traditionally do.

Yeah, no one saw that coming.

Right, but that's not a good thing.

Yeah.

Preserving jobs, nationalising stuff.

It's very retro.

Well, it's sort of nuts at the moment because you've got the main people who want to nationalize steel and everything else is reform.

They basically want to nationalize everything except for the NHS, which they want to sell, which is kind of all very much the wrong way around.

Right.

Oh, he was amazing, wasn't he, Farge?

I support nationalization, always have done.

What?

And then, do you see when he said to the steel workers, he said, I myself once worked in metals.

He was a commodities broker.

He sold.

sold...

That's not the same.

You weren't working in the steelworks.

I love working in the steelworks.

It gets a bit hot, but there's nothing like a bit of molten steel to liven up my day.

What else is he going to have been?

I worked on the bins for five years.

Another quick...

Another quick question related to this, Zoe and Athena.

Can you tell me the odd one out from these classic British brands and institutions?

Harvey Nichols, Wolverhampton Wanderers Football Club, Lotus Cars, Wentworth Golf Club, Clark's Shoes, and Wedgwood China.

The only one of those I have any knowledge of is Clark's shoes, of course, being the owner of quite a considerable number of comfortable yet sensible shoes.

Harvey Nichols is the only one that doesn't sell the second word in the name, because they don't sell nickels.

It's about metals again.

Where's wolves sell wanderers?

Do they?

Before every match, we get a load of nomads and we sell them off.

I've got six at home.

Trouble is they won't stay in the same room.

They keep going on.

Close, but not right.

Well, it's not close, actually.

The answer is Wedgwood China, which is the only one that does not have an owner from China.

It's owned by a Finnish company.

All the others are either fully or largely owned by Chinese companies.

So

I mean, what is left?

Is there anything that's left?

Nothing left.

I mean, is any of this a surprise?

I mean, who could have foreseen this happening, us selling off our biggest commodities to communist China?

And then, I mean, some would say, sort of deliberately trying to turn off the furnaces so that we'd have to buy their cheaper Chinese steel because the arse has fallen out of the Chinese property market.

I mean, I'm just speculating, but it does seem like that's what was sort of on their minds, doesn't it?

Well, so the company that owns Scunthorpe, it does make quite a lot of steel in China.

I think Scunthorpe made something like half a percent of all the steel it made.

But people do think it's like a Chinese ploy to basically buy British things,

buy them and ruin them so that they just no longer work anymore.

Like so far, I think they've bought the ITV player

and the Conservative Party.

Yeah, loads of stuff.

There's also this thing where like a lot of Chinese companies want to turn these places into environmentally friendly places, right?

So apparently, if you turn these blast furnaces into ones that can create steel more in a more environmentally friendly way, this is a good thing, but they take 80% less labour.

So you still have to make redundancies.

Now, on the surface, you can think that's a terrible thing.

People won't work, but people can be retrained, they can get other jobs.

Humans can't breathe nitrogen.

So there's an opportunity here, maybe, to retrain staff whilst making that more environmentally friendly.

Just anyone who owns this company now in Britain, they could do that.

That would be a good idea.

Yep.

So if any of our listeners do own a blast furnace, please.

And also, this is the kind of defeatist attitude saying that we can't breathe nitrogen.

What's holding this country back?

We can try.

I mean, there's quite a lot of methane too that comes out of this furnace.

Having discovered that I'm recently lactose intolerant, I can tell you

actually you can tolerate quite a high level of methane.

It's

for years.

For years.

I mean, the budgie's dead, but never mind.

It's so brighten to be tolerant of everything except for lactose.

Yes, business secretary Jonathan Reynolds has hinted that the government is set to nationalise British Steel, the not actually British company that doesn't want to make steel in Britain anymore.

A classic modern story.

After negotiations with the Chinese Jinya Group, who currently own British Steel but can't really be asked with it anymore, after those negotiations broke down, Parliament was recalled from its spring recess, celebrating Easter in the most traditional way possible by coming back early and

talking for a bit, then disappearing off again whilst people wondered if something miraculous had genuinely happened or

people will still be bickering about it in 2,000 years, mark my lapsed Jewish words.

Experts have estimated that unless things change, within 36 and a bit years, the entire UK manufacturing sector will consist of a single old couple in a shed in the Lake District eating boo-boo dolls of David Cameron.

Right, and another state of the nation question, Zoe and Athena.

It's just rubbish, rubbish, rubbish, absolutely all over the place, total garbage.

Not just reviews of my stand-up shows from early in my career, but also comments made in which British city recently.

Well, it's got to be Birmingham, hasn't it?

They've stopped emptying the bins.

I tend to follow a pretty good rule of thumb when it comes to whether a worker is essential or not.

If you don't go to work and we all get the plague,

you are an essential worker.

I heard somebody talking on the radio the other day, there was a very busy rat catcher.

He was having you say that, I'm having to stop doing my insect work because the rat stuff's really taking off.

And

he said, Some of them are the size of kittens.

And I thought, but they are the size of kittens.

I went, I haven't encountered the rat for a while, but the last time I had, it was pretty much the size of a kitten.

I wanted them to say they're sort of the size of horses and we've saddled them up and used them to drag the carts to the dump.

They're getting really like gentrified these rats because generally they've got an abundance of rubbish to eat right so you'd think they're just eating the rubbish but one guy was on the news because a rat ate the electrics in his Mercedes

like the electric cables and I was like Lardi Da

You've got all the rubbish in the world you can eat and you're eating a luxury car.

Yeah yeah.

Who's eyelids go up and down automatically now?

They've got anarchist class war rats up there.

I'm a bit obsessed with bins.

I've got a right thing about bins, because where we live we have communal bins and people love to leave things by bins.

And it's um I'm on tour at the moment and one of the questions I ask the audience is how many bins they've got.

I know it's really enlightening stuff, but Chippy Norton, five bins.

Somebody five bins.

I know.

And I asked them what I was like, five b what's the fifth one for?

And I worked out it's for discarded gillets.

But they've got the army there now, haven't haven't they?

God, you know, people moan about the noise that bin men make normally just when they're going

at seven in the morning.

They complain about it when it's the army, won't they?

Number 73, put the green recycling box out now!

Yeah, the ongoing ampas in the Birmingham bin strike has seen the city adorned with over 20,000 tons of uncollected rubbish and festooned with rats the size of rats.

Latest projections have suggested suggested that if things are not sorted out, a rat will win a by-election in a Birmingham constituency at some point during this parliament.

Meanwhile, news just reaching us this evening that Birmingham City were forced to play with a giant rat on the left side of midfield in their match today after an Aston Villa-supporting pest control officer refused to remove the rodent from the St Andrews pitch.

The rat contributed an assist with a perfectly weighted through ball before being sent off for urinating on the penalty spot and threatening to get the referee bubotic plague.

and at the end of that round uh zoe and athena have five mark and hugo have four

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Moving from the state of Britain to the state of the entire planet.

This can go to Mark and Hugo.

What, according to European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen, no longer exists?

The West, as we know it,

this is, you know, as the Trump-induced global maelstrom of mayhem continues to unfold.

Do you agree with this, Mark?

As the West just ended?

I think that the West probably never did quite exist, did it?

The West existed.

Come on.

That's what neoliberalism is.

It's the West imposing values onto the rest of the world.

I think Ursula's just been a bit of a drama queen because Budweiser is going to be a bit more expensive.

I mean, the West is this highly influential concept that has spread all kinds of ideas about religion and commerce and democracy for like, I guess, almost millennia.

So it's going to take more than like a tax on high fructose corn syrup for all of that to crumble.

Otherwise, if that was all it took, I wish they'd done it before.

You know?

So, I mean, since we last recorded, we've had the Trump tariff mayhem.

Have you enjoyed that, Hugo?

You must have talked about it quite a bit.

Well, yeah, I mean, it's very interesting how it's relating to Britain, because the philosophy here of the government seems to be that Donald Trump is lashing out at all sorts of people, and we need to put ourselves in a position where he can't lash out at us.

And that position is up his ass.

What we could have done, and we had a chance last time Trump was president, and I bet the Canadians regret they didn't think of this, was when he was down in Mexico building his wall, the Canadians could have built one their side, then we could have put a roof over the whole country.

Starmer didn't think of that.

J.D.

Vance, the man who puts the vice into vice president,

said that Britain is in line for what?

Trade deal.

A massive, massive trade deal.

But it's weird.

It's like we keep talking about this trade deal we're supposed to do with America where we buy loads of their stuff, but we don't really want any of their stuff because their cars are sort of massive and use more fuel than British steel and can't turn corners and stuff.

And

they've got chicken washed in chlorine and hormone-injected beef, and Brits don't want it.

And it's weird because the White House is getting really shirty about how dare anyone say that our food is unhealthy, but they've also got a health secretary who keeps saying the food is really unhealthy.

RFK Jr., and he's got a worm in his brain, and he once ate a dog, but he's right about that.

We've all been there.

Yeah, I mean, unhealthy American food.

Someone told me this week, you know what Donald Trump's regular order from McDonald's is?

This isn't even a joke, it's just horrifying.

It's two quarter pandas with cheese, two fileo fish, and a chocolate shake.

Right.

No fries.

That is outrageous.

Anyone knows when you order a file of fish, you're waiting for like 20 minutes.

How much time does that man have?

Well, he spends that time eating the other two quarter pandas with cheese.

With a bit of heart disease sprinkled on the top.

Passing crowds.

How is he so thin?

What?

How is he still alive then and so and bouncing about like he is?

Because he's preserved.

He is 99.9% processed food.

And everybody knows if you put a burger in a cupboard for 80 years, it won't change.

That's all he is, is a burger with a bit of hay on top.

He's a Tracy M in installation.

Yes, this is the news that in global terms, the sun is apparently apparently setting both in and on the West.

Amidst the fallout from Trump's cigarette end casually flicked into the petrol-filled paddling pool of international trade.

Of course, you don't need to be a rocket economist to know that tariff-based trade wars don't always work out well.

And with the USA and China now locked in a fevered bout of tit-for-tat, eye for an eye, scrotum for a scrotum revenge tariffing, everyone else is nervously waiting to see what happens.

Where will the splats land each morning on the giant world map on the floor of the White House pigeon coop that is the brain centre of Trumpian trade policy.

Of course, if you wanted a viable and sensible plan for an equitable global economic system, Donald Trump is probably just outside the top 8 billion people in the world.

Maybe

around the 8.1 billionth mark, just above Vladimir Putin and just alongside the likes of Peter Andre, me and Homer Simpson.

Prank Vice President J.D.

Vance says Britain stands a good chance to get a decent trade deal because, ah, who cares what the because because is, the goodness of the chance and the latest reason for it will have changed by the time you hear this, even if you're in the studio audience here today, because sound waves are not quick enough to keep up with news in the Trumpian era.

And it's quite hard to sort of keep calm in the Trumpian news world.

And my kids often say to me, just, you know, try and ignore it for a bit.

But it, do you know, I found it's quite hard to ignore Donald Trump.

Even if you try to avoid it, it's like trying to ignore a non-house-trained baby hippopotamus that has been strung up on a special winch above your dining table at Christmas dinner,

having been fed a series of undercooked pork chimichangas.

It's just so hard to completely put it out of your mind.

At the end of our world round, the scores are now seven point all.

Right, we now have a special space round coming your way.

This can go to Zoe and Athena.

Scientists have long known that in space, no one can hear you scream.

But this week, we discovered that in space people can hear you making what sound.

It would have been, oh god, it was awful.

It would have been the sound of Katy Perry singing

a Louis Armstrong song.

Sorry, a bit of sick came up.

Sorry,

I couldn't watching it actually just made my toes curl.

It was like watching.

I've always hated hen parties, and this just looked like the worst one on the planet.

They all got into their sort of designer jumpsuits, like Power Rangers.

and then they all got into a massive rocket designed by Anne Summers I think

that vibrated itself up to this stratosphere to rim space

I'm only surprised somebody didn't open a bottle of Prosecco while they were up there

I was surprised it was only an 11-minute ride though that was

but the fact that they called themselves, this is the women on Jeff Bezos' rocket, the fact that they called themselves crew as well, they weren't crew, they were hand luggage.

It did look extremely phallic, the rocket, it's true.

But if you're going to make a rocket that looks that phallic, as Jeff Bezos did, you wonder slightly at the psychology of having the end come off.

It's really alarming.

And then it sort of floats down on this parachute and it lands and you see them all come out.

And I was thinking when that happened, it's like that's not the first time that Katy Perry has emerged from the embrace of a massive bellend

because she was married to Russell Brand.

Oh, just and it, but then she came back and did the thing of like, what have you learned while you're up there?

I've learned to love myself and that we all have to love each other.

Now, if Neil Armstrong was still alive, he'd be thinking, oh no, I blew it with, oh, this is one small step for a man and one giant leap for a cop.

What I should have said is, as I'm getting onto the moon, I realize I am beautiful.

I did kind of love it, the whole thing.

I thought it was really good in sort of news terms.

It wasn't just Katie Perry, there's a bunch of other people.

Lauren Sanchez, you know, who's Jeff Bezos' somewhat enhanced fiancée, can we call it?

And it's amazing to see all of her define gravity rather than just these events.

You know, there are conspiracy theories.

It didn't happen already.

Really fast work, yeah.

Because when they landed, the door opened from the inside.

And there's this theory that like spaceships never do that in case you'd like to accidentally open them when you're up or something.

So people are saying, no, it didn't really happen, it was faked.

If it was going to ever be the case that someone accidentally opened the spaceship door while it was in space,

that would have been the time it would have happened.

I just want to get a selfie.

So, I mean, Mark, I'd say you're the British Katy Perry in terms of your

status in the creative arts in this country.

Are you gunning for a space trip?

Well, I don't know.

Would a British one work?

A British rocket would just get to the edge of space, and just as you were thinking, oh my god, this is amazing, I'm looking out at the edge of the atmosphere, there'd be an announcement: if you see something that doesn't look

please alert NASA immediately

see it say it astronaut it

um yes the uh latest Jeff Bezos sponsored mission to hashtag not really space lasted 11 minutes and yes we are just receiving a confirmation that you do not count as an astronaut if you're only off the ground for 11 minutes.

Glad to clear that up for everyone.

There are concerns now that Katy Perry's journey to space could spark a pop space race, which now inevitably seems set to culminate in Ed Sheeran and Taylor Swift wrestling on the surface of Mars for ownership of the universe.

Since we're talking about pop music, it's a special question for people who are fans of spouses of members of the Beatles and trees.

So,

what this week might have made your oak go oh-no?

Touch me, I'm real.

This was the oak tree on a Toby Carvery

car park that was felled in Enfield, wasn't it?

It was a 500-year-old oak tree, and somebody made a boo-boo.

They claimed it was diseased and almost dead.

What it was was coming out of winter.

I've been confused with being diseased and almost dead in March, but by April I'm looking a lot pucker.

And yes, they felled it to people's horror.

This is a bigger deal than we realise.

This is actually my part of London.

I live here, and I can assure you, that tree was all we had.

Like,

our house values are just plummeting right now.

Like, the tree is gone.

What are we going to do?

I actually think it's a conspiracy.

I think someone from Croydon did it.

They had a guy from the Woodland Trust saying it's really bad.

It's a really healthy tree.

Although he was saying it after it had been chopped down, which is exactly the sort of denial I'd have if I was lying in bits in the car park of a Toby Carver.

Yes, this is Oakgate, the Toby Carver tree scandal, an arboreal murder mist mist tree that had people stumped this week.

Chop was very much off the menu at Toby Carvery, whose owners apologised for the slaying of the professional tree, which was described as being around 500 years old, more than 6'4 inches tall, and of one fixed abode.

The owners of the chain saw their reputation ruined by these senseless acts.

And charting this tragic story, a new tree crime podcast will soon be available on BBC Sounds.

A film of the tree slaying is also set to be made, and it's rumoured we're just hearing right now that it will be directed by Hollywood filmmaking superstar Tim Burton.

Right, the scores are now nine points all which takes us to our final tiebreak around.

We've saved the biggest news story of the week for our last story.

So this is the big finale.

The news quiz doesn't generally deal with technical legal rulings about the precise meaning of words in specific pieces of legislation, but we follow where the news takes us.

So here goes our tie-break question.

The UK Supreme Court this week ruled that the meanings of the terms woman and sex, specifically as used in the wording of the Equality Act 2010, referred to biology and did not extend to cover transgender women.

The ruling not only supported women's rights based on biological sex, but also emphasised that under the Act, transgender people have clear legal protections against discrimination and harassment.

Delivering the judgment, Supreme Court Judge Lord Hodge said, we counsel against reading this judgment as a triumph of one or more groups in our society at the expense of another.

It is not, at which point everyone interpreted the judgment as a triumph of one or more groups in our society at the expense of another.

Hey, it's the 2020s, it's just how we roll.

Thus, was the complex and nuanced 88-page judgment reduced, ironically, to a binary win-lose scenario.

Anyway, the question is this: whilst the full implications of the ruling are yet to become fully clear, will I, for example, as a biological male, be legally obliged to check whether trans men who were born female but have lived as male for decades and had full gender reassignment surgery, whether they're using a urinal that is rightfully mine?

The question is: after this judicial ruling on a delicate, sensitive subject that generally erupts into a volcano of rancor whenever and however you discuss it, what?

And we are out of time.

The correct.

The correct answer was W.

Woman begins with the letter W.

This week's show is therefore a draw.

Thank you for listening.

Goodbye.

Taking part in the news quiz were Mark Steele, Zoe Lyons, Athena Kublenu, and Hugo Rifkin.

In the chair was me, Andy Saltzman.

And additional material was written by Mike Shepherd, Christina Riggs, Ben Pope, and Eve Delaney.

The producer was Rajiv Karia, and it was a BBC Studios audio production for Radio 4.

I think I got that pretty much bang on.

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Suffs!

Playing the Orpheum Theater October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.