The News Quiz: Ep6. Corruption Leagues and Leaked WhatsApps

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Welcome to the news quiz.

Hello, welcome to the news cruise, and you join us at an exciting time.

News just reaching us that American President Donald Trump has literally, as we both record and broadcast, claimed that he will negotiate a peace deal between Liverpool and Everton.

Possibly by as soon as the 2027-28 season, a bit unrealistic, but let's give him some time.

Our teams this week to celebrate the historic breakthrough phone call between Trump and Vladimir Putin.

We have Team Peace in Our Time versus Team Peas in a Pod.

On Team Time, we have Alice Fraser and Danny Finkelstein.

And on Team Pod, Rielina and Lucy Porter.

And we'll start, Danny and Alice.

New Home Office guidance is set to deny UK citizenship to any refugees who have done what?

Well, it seems to be come here on a small boat.

And I've always been a bit surprised that it's the size of the boat that mattered.

Yes, well,

specifically made a dangerous journey.

I blame hygiene and the footwear industry, Andy.

It's like we as a nation have completely lost the ability ability to imagine what it might be like to be in someone else's shoes.

I wish I say come here by a dangerous journey.

Have you seen the potholes on our road?

This is the thing.

It's nothing against the people themselves.

It's just that there's too many people in the UK.

That's what people are generally feeling.

So instead of denying everyone citizenship, what if we just redistribute the existing citizenships?

Because I guarantee you we want some of those boat people more than we want the people we've currently got.

You know what I mean?

Like, for example, I love John Cleese and what he's done, but he's not happy with Britain anymore and he's gone off to the Caribbean, so why don't we give his passport to just like the tallest refugee?

My grandfather was a refugee, my father immigrated to Britain.

Often when I think about this, I think people have made a dangerous journey.

Are these people not showing the exact range of skills that we need in a competitive global economy?

They're showing determination, they're showing initiative, they're showing physical resilience, they're showing the ability to think outside and often inside a box.

They're They're showing a frankly maverick aversion to paperwork.

I mean, these are exactly what we need.

DJ Dog Walker and the homeopaths are topping the charts this week with their smash hit, you say you need me brackets, so let me in.

But what chart are they topping, anyone?

The skilled worker visas.

Somebody, an academic, dug into it and said that on the list of medium skilled workers, people like Pilates instructors, DJs, and canine beauticians.

And I don't know if this is a scandal or just a party, I really want to be on the guest list for.

You know, lithe bodies banging tunes and cockapoos wearing red-hot lipsticks.

I was looking down this government list of things that were skilled and things that were not skilled, and it was really quite worrying.

It was like CEOs, yes.

Gym instructors, yes.

MPs, no.

Probation officers, yes, quantity surveyors, yes, aircraft technician, no.

And then design consultants, yes.

Pipe fitters, yes.

Referees, no.

My favourite one was nuns.

I mean, that is a blow to the British nun industry.

I mean, my mum was a nun, her mum was a nun.

That shows how standards have fallen, I guess.

I don't get why homeopathy is on the list.

I didn't quite understand that.

Because the less you know, the more powerful you are as a homeopathy.

Because if you don't know, homeopathy is based on the principle that you you can put one drop of something medicinal in a glass of water and then the water retains the memory of that medicine and then you can drink that water and it's going to heal you.

I don't know about you, but I don't want my water to have a memory.

I do not want my glass of tap water suddenly remembering a hot tub it was once in.

Imagine if this are all the things I could tell you.

I did like, what were the other ones?

Auctioneers, fair enough.

Mystery shoppers was on the list.

How do we know?

Bee farmers, piano tuners.

I'm just giving these to my kids as a list of potential.

Because none of these jobs are going to exist because of AI anyway, apart from nuns.

Let's move on to another question.

What's sapping the Labour leadership this week?

Well, apparently they've discovered another WhatsApp group where people say things that they shouldn't be saying.

I know that you're Labour and you don't want to be mistaken for the Tories, but you can learn something from Boris Johnson.

He knew to erase his phone.

Like, come on.

I love the fact that the WhatsApp group was called Trigger Me Timbers, which I actually quite enjoy.

But it's sort of like what you're saying, you're like, pirates?

Because pirates are notoriously bad at texting because the hooks

break a lot of screens that way.

My favourite thing was the description in it.

The honorable MP said he'd gone canvassing, and the woman at the door had said, You're all a waste of space, you do nothing around here.

My street is a shithole.

And he replied, It is a shithole and you effing live in it.

Then when asked to repeat himself, he told her, You heard, you live in a shithole, love,

and gave her a V sign.

And I wonder whether he said vote Labour at the end of that

and then put her down as a possible.

My brother did go round canvassing for me once and somebody on the doorstep goes, You guys, you only ever come round here in election time.

And my brother was genuinely puzzled and he went, Well, why would I come here at any other time?

I don't know.

I feel this is sort of a sad decline in standards for the British government.

You used to have to lose an entire colony to even get a slap on the wrist.

I agree.

I think there's, you know, a woeful lack of standards.

I think members of the Labour Party saying unpleasant things about their constituents behind their back is a betrayal of everything Labour stands for because in the olden days Gordon Brown or John Prescott would have said it to your face.

We're kind of reacting to it.

You know, the Tories are going, yeah, get rid of them, you know, where are the standards and the rest of it.

I think it's a bit harsh to suspend Gwynne for wishing a pensioner dead.

I thought that was literally Labour's winter fuel allowance policy.

I think I'm just jealous because I have really dull WhatsApps.

Like, you could release them all, and there would be some sort of harsh words about the conditions of the badminton net at Harrow Leisure Centre.

When Edward Snowden went off and he was saying that the American Security Service Service is reading all our emails, my thought was, well, at least someone's reading mine.

Maybe they could tell my children what I'm trying to say, too.

But I mean, you should never assume anything's private these days.

I recently found out that what I thought were private chats I had with four different friends each week have been broadcast weekly by the BBC on the radio.

There you go.

Can't trust anyone these days.

It's been another sort of tricky week for Labour, more avoidable entries onto the burgeoning Labour blooper reel.

And to make it worse, Chancellor H.

Secretary Rachel Reeves is facing allegations that she has exaggerated what?

Herself.

Correct, yes.

Her CV.

I think she said she was in control of the economy.

I mean, she's got a very dull LinkedIn profile.

And that is by the standard of LinkedIn.

That's like being the drunkest person in a weatherspoon.

Yes, she's facing allegations that she's embellished her CV.

Suspicions were raised when she claimed to have hosted six series of the panel show Shooting Stars alongside Bob Mortimer.

Obviously, it's a key part of the modern workplace is being able to bullshit on your C V.

So, I'm going to challenge our panelists.

Give me an embellishment from their C Vs.

And at a point, we'll go to the one that impresses me most, Lucy.

I won the Croydon under 13's Irish Dancing Competition in 1981.

Which, the truth of that is, I came third.

And yep.

Career influence.

Where's Maureen Flanagan now?

Rhea?

Well, I've been telling everybody for years that I have a PhD in herpes viruses, and because I'm Asian and you're really lefty, you're too scared to question it.

I've been telling people my entire professional career that I'm mildly amusing, and they keep hiring me.

So I was the substitute for the under-15B football team for one cancelled match, and on my CV, I won't tell them that the match was cancelled.

Yes, I mean, it all adds up to another awkward week for Labour.

Starbucks Labour, well, now what are we, eight months in?

Not so much hit the ground running as hit the ground stumbling, ruptured a cruciate ligament after slipping on a banana skin they dropped on the ground in front of themselves and then somehow missed the ground anyway.

Kemi Badenock's Conservatives, meanwhile, are capturing hearts and minds as effectively as whoever graffited my local bus stop captured the intricate delicacies of the male anatomy.

So, all in all,

fairly unimpressive political situation.

Right, at the end of that round the scores are five to Danny and Alice and four to Rhea and Lucy.

Right, the Times newspaper Danny Wrightsworth conducted a survey of Generation Z

who are the generation who are named after me.

But anyway, there's been an in-depth survey of the attitudes of Gen Z.

They've interviewed people aged 18 to 27, and it's an interesting snapshot of the young people of this country.

So, for this round, our panellists have to tell me which is higher or lower out of a result from the Times survey of Generation Z and the result of another survey.

So, firstly, to Danny and Alice, which is higher?

The percentage of Gen Z who would unconditionally fight in a war for the UK, or the percentage of people in the West Midlands who play golf every month?

I reckon it's the percentage of people who play golf in the West Midlands.

Right.

Because it's 11% of Gen Z who would fight for Britain.

I mean, war's horrible.

I kind of feel, I think when I was their age, I would have said, I'd rather not.

But that's because they think that it's all guns and hand-to-hand combat, because that's what it was when they did the last survey and the survey before that.

But actually, nowadays, it's more like piloting drones, like playing computer games.

So, what most gamers don't realize is for the last three years, they've been playing Call of Duty, but they've actually actually been fighting Russians in Ukraine.

I've tried to emphasise to my kids the horrors of war by showing them it ain't half hot, mum.

You can't unsee that, can you?

Yeah, I mean, it was 11%.

Actually, that's higher than the percentage of play golf weekly in the West Midlands, which is 10.2%.

I'd fight, but only if I agreed with the reasons.

37%.

I mean, that seems about right to me.

37% of people fight outside pubs.

Rhea and Lucy, which is higher?

The percentage of Gen Z who think the UK is stuck in the past, or the percentage of people who would not want to use a jetpack if it were commercially available and affordable?

Wow.

I'm Team Jetpack, baby.

You think that's higher?

You think more people wouldn't want to use a jetpack than?

No, I think that more Gen Zs think we're stuck in the past.

So I think that's higher than those that wouldn't.

Come on, you'd give a jetpack a go.

What?

Yes, sorry, I once answered the question.

Yes, I agree.

Although, I'm saying that just as I'm thinking, I refuse to use those motorized scooters.

I think with the jetpack, I'm just thinking about my lower back now.

With the jetpack?

Oh, imagine it'd be like a ruck.

No, no, yeah, but it's on the upper back.

But as soon as you're in the air, the lower half of your body is weightless, and that's going to take a lot of pressure off your lower back.

Well, the correct answer is the percentage of Gen Z who think the UK is stuck in the past is higher, 50%.

46% of people would not want to use a jetpack.

Who are these idiots?

Who commissioned the jetpack poll?

Somebody must have actually gone out and said, I know what I'd really like to know is what proportion of people would or wouldn't use the jetpack.

Well, the poll is on the YouGov website, and it says it surveyed 4,115 adults this month.

They didn't.

They never did.

Would that count as a dangerous journey into Britain?

Okay, which is higher?

The percentage of Gen Z who think Britain is a racist country, or the percentage of people who think it is okay when people refer to their pets as their babies or fur babies and refer to themselves as their pets' mum or dad?

Who questioned that?

I mean, I think my cats do regard me in the same way as my children do with a sort of bemused disdain,

but I don't consider them my children.

I think that's no.

The cats or the children?

Well, it's 48% think Britain is a racist country, but 57% think it's okay for people to refer to their pets as babies.

And if you're looking for signs of irretrievable national decline, that

is barking at us in the face and finally which is higher the percentage of Gen Z who are proud to be British or the percentage of people who think it is okay to pee in either the sea or a swimming pool

those are two very very different scenarios yeah

because the ocean is the ocean yes I would only piss in a swimming pool

It's a bit depressing this because my basic theory is that Britain's a really nice place.

I mean the whole way I live my life it's like my mum was in Belson and my dad was in Siberia and Pinna's nicer.

I think we can all get behind that.

But 41% are proud to be British, which is well down on the same poll done 20 years ago.

Only 5% of people think it's okay to either pee in the sea or a swimming pool.

The thing is we don't need to pee in the sea because there's so much sewage in it anyway.

Kemi Badenock wrote in the Times a response to the survey's findings.

She wrote, we need to instill a sense of pride and belonging belonging in our youth.

How should we go about doing that?

Who's got some national service?

National service, but we're constantly putting on the 2012 Olympic opening ceremony.

Oh, Perma Olympics.

I like it.

I did sort of think it was quite a brave thing to say because you wouldn't say, I tell you how we should start this campaign.

Let's ask the Conservative Party how to instil a sense of belonging in young people.

I don't think that'll.

I mean, I think though, there's fundamentally, again, I defend Gen Z, Gen Z, because I think there is fundamentally nothing more British than not being proud of being British.

It's that, you know, like Americans, yeah, they're proud of being American and they swear allegiance to the flag and clutch their hearts.

We tut.

That's what we do.

If one of my friends said to me, I'm so proud of being British, I would think they were having a breakdown or a stroke.

It's not our way, is it?

We love things about Britain, like, you know, Stormsey and Shakespeare and Hobnobs, but it's like a hamper, I think.

You know, like in a hamper, it's sort of a random collection of things, but the hamper kind of gives them coherence.

And Britain's like a hamper

with just randomsy chutney Shakespeare, then

yeah, we do do good chutney.

Interesting, if you put Stormsey, Chutney, Shakespeare into the What Three Words map app,

it takes you directly to Buckingham Palace.

I mean, it was an interesting survey.

How you interpret it is a sort of a Rorschach test of how you see the younger generation.

On some readings, they come across as resilient, tolerant, understanding, and flexible.

But not everyone has interpreted that way.

Others have said they're feckless, lazy, and betrayers of their nation.

But such is the world we live in.

And parents have been despairing of their children's generation pretty much since the first amoebic microorganism reproduced in the oceans billions of years ago and said, you'll never amount to much, which in the circumstances was actually quite accurate.

33% of those surveyed thought they were different to the other two-thirds of the population.

127% of Gen Z were prone to exaggeration.

And minus 20% of young people were negative about everything.

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Another question on the state of the nation.

According to the latest league table, the UK is displaying relegation form in what globally popular sport?

This is the corruption league.

Yes.

Basically, what's happened is we've gone down in rankings from 8th to 20th, although actually we haven't become more corrupt.

It's other countries have become less corrupt and we aren't keeping up.

And at the end of the day, I became really, really irritated with Denmark basically because they're really annoying.

They're happy, they're rich, they're not corrupt, they're peaceful, and they protected the Jews against the Nazis.

So I can't even be annoyed with them about that.

They still not apologise for what they did on these shores, what, 1,200 years ago?

It's absolute Merry Mayhem, to be honest.

Yeah, we're just above Belgium, are we?

We are.

I mean, that's good.

There's 180 places on the table, and number 147 is Elon Musk.

I mean, yes, stuck at 20th place in Transparency International's latest corruption perceptions index.

And perceptions is quite a load-bearing word there.

But I think this league table is worse than one of your polls.

They're merely perceptions.

But, you know, it's 2025.

Perceptions are are the facts of the third millennium, so we've got to go with it.

I mean, I think part of the scores were tabulated during the pandemic when the Tories were handing out PPE contracts to their friends.

But you know what?

Lucky for us, everyone was doing it, so it didn't affect our ranking as much.

Nobody ever really talks about the upsides of a global pandemic, do they?

I know some fans of Britain not being a hotbed or at least a warm bed of corruption think it might do us good to have a season or two out of the top flight because 20th that is relegation, isn't it?

So it's 18th, 19th, 20th, you go down to the championship of incorruptibility.

You know, a couple of seasons out of the top flight, sort yourselves out and get back to the glory days.

But relegated teams don't always bounce straight back.

And there's a concern that if we slip right down the leagues, we could even find ourselves travelling to Albania or China on a wet Wednesday night for a tricky away game, kind of

stop ourselves dropping into the non-leagues.

But the good thing is, we'd get a parachute payment and we could pocket it.

Well, I mean, it's not so easy.

In football, you can just whip out the checkbook.

But you can't do that in not being corrupt.

You can't just

sign a morally unimpeachable goody two two-shoes to fill that tricky gap on the left side of midfield.

And no, so I mean, the way of doing it in football is you sell yourself off to Saudi Arabia, and arguably that's going to make things worse.

I don't think we're very corrupt as a nation.

If someone hands me a brown crumple paper bag, I'm expecting to find an almond quasar.

But at the end of our state of the nation round, Danny and Alice have eight, and Rhea and Lucy have seven.

Right, moving on now.

A fundamental reset.

Who promised this this week and why?

It's BP.

BP promised a fundamental reset.

They promised to turn the world off and turn it back on again, renew our energy.

They're going to hold one finger down on the North Pole and one on Ecuador for three seconds until resources are renewable once more.

They've basically been sort of attacked by an activist investor who says, don't do so many renewables because it's undermining your profits.

And it turned out they care about this more than people boycotting book festivals.

I only made seven billion pounds in 2024.

Your heart bleeds, doesn't it?

It really does.

But they're sort of backpedaling on environmental things, despite the fact that we have had the hottest January on record.

The planet has done dry January.

It's extraordinary.

In The Guardian, they wrote that this is the warmest the planet has been in 125,000 years.

And I know that's what they wrote because my husband cut out the article and stuck it next to the thermostat.

January was the hottest January in the history of January, and as the old traditional folk song goes, it's getting hot in here, so take off all your environmental commitments.

Moving on to another planet-related question.

The world ain't what it used to be anymore.

Words that have been said since the dawn of words, but literally true this week.

Can anyone explain why?

This is because we believe that the inner core of the Earth has changed shape.

Yes.

I mean, how worried should we be by this?

Is this a sign that the core of the earth, which of course is known by scientists to be the yoke of the earth,

it's a sign that soon, maybe Wednesday, a magic giant chicken is going to hatch out and peck us all to death?

This seems to be the way it's heading.

I'd welcome it.

I mean, going with the trend, I don't want to tell the earth what to do with herself.

She's been working for a while to get hotter.

I think eyelash extensions over Antarctica and maybe some tits on Japan.

I was in Norfolk at the weekend and I think you know Norfolk, Holland got the right idea flat.

Because with my knees I'm like let's not have hills.

I grew up in Holland Lucy and they are all over six foot tall for a reason and it's because if they ever flood they'll still be able to breathe and

I love you but I don't think you're tall enough.

If you're not familiar with the structure of the earth, if you think of the outer core of the earth as the chocolate on a Malteser and the inner core as the sort of honeycomb bit, then you should have paid more attention at school.

Moving on to our final round now, we have a special animals round.

Now, it's increasingly accepted that this famous planet of ours would probably be better off without humans.

So, for our final round this week, we're giving our panelists as headlines with a human or humans in.

They have to replace the human with some animals to give us the actual news story featuring animals this week.

So, for Rhea and Lucy, the headline is, Feral Prince Andrews run rampant around Scotland.

What should be there instead of the humans?

It's actually feral pigs.

Correct.

Feral pigs, my least favorite brand of pig, I have to say.

Polieved to have been illegally released in the Cairngorms in what seems to be some guerrilla rewilding.

Yeah.

Basically, in journalism school, you're taught to do this, you know, the how, the where, the when, and all that was in the story, but I couldn't understand why they'd done it.

Why did you go and release a feral pig anywhere?

And they were saying that the Cairngorms is full of people rewilding odd animals.

What a sort of bizarre hobby.

Where did they put them before they took them out?

Where did they get them from?

We've all bought a feral pig as a pet and then thought, oh no, this will never get on with Malynxes.

To be fair, I don't know if the pigs were feral before they were released.

Pigs are very quick to go feral.

You can have a tame pig and it goes...

It's like that thing where the lift stops and the person you're in the lift with immediately puts camo gear on their cheeks and like rips the bottom off their skirt and uses it as a headband like they go feral immediately to start trying to eat their next-door neighbor before you've even run out of Mars bars like this

pigs just want to go feral when the cameras stop rolling on babe pig in the city yeah pigs just want to go feral to my favorite cindy lauper song

Yes, the herd of feral pigs illegally released in the Cairngorms.

The pigs were eventually captured, summarily tried and executed.

Sorry, kids are listening.

They were humanely relocated to feral piggy heaven, where they frolic with the frogs made of felt and where the veggie sausages taste so sweet.

Moving on now, Danny and Alice replaced the human in this headline with the correct animal.

Scientists plan to bring Florence Nightingale back to life.

Woolly mammoths.

Correct.

I love this story.

It makes me so happy.

They want to bring

there's an eccentric billionaire because, of course, there is, and he's trying to de-extinctify animals, including the dodo the thylacine the woolly mammoth and presumably some dinosaurs when people stop being so gun-shy about the documentary known as jurassic park

um yeah i'm really excited by it i want to see a woolly mammoth i think we could probably do with a cautionary t-rex of tech billionaires have been at the top of the food chain for too long they've gotten the complacent

it's a dangerous game because they want to implant the woolly mammoth embryo into an elephant, but then that elephant's going to give birth to a very hairy baby that it's not expecting.

And it's going to end up with like all of these abandonment issues when the elephant goes, that's not my baby.

And then it's going to need therapy to understand how to provide for its needs.

I mean, it's just, I think it's cruel.

And it's like, well, yeah, they're not going to do better now.

What are they?

It's like, if all our jobs are going to be replaced by AI, how are they going to fare in the gig economy?

Yeah, they didn't have a Cardo at the time.

They're going to be much better off now.

Yes, the woolly mammoth, another thing in the long list of things that were thought too big to fail, but failed anyway, despite having tusks that could grow up to almost the height of a double-decker bus which is not the problem it sounds as the mammoth generally eschewed all forms of public transport

the creature died out after complaints from the woke and due to an ice age for which they were ironically not actually woolly enough they've used the dna from a mammoth that it says here died 50 000 years ago so more precisely mid-february 47 975 bc disappointing valentine's day in anyone's book

they've hacked into its dna and are now we can only assume planning to create an elephant mammoth hybrid to quite inevitably take over the world and one day destroy us all.

The DNA tests, interestingly, have proved that the mammoth was not, as some have suggested, an elephant that died whilst running a marathon for charity wearing a chewbacca outfit.

It was a different species.

Right, that brings us to the end of this week's news quiz.

And the final scores, Rhea and Lucy have 13, Danny and Alice 12.

Thank you for listening to the news quiz.

I've been Andy's Old from Dubai.

Taking part in the newsquiz were Alice Fraser, Lucy Porter, Rhea Lena and Danny Finkelstein.

In the chair was me Andy Zortsman and additional material was written by Christina Riggs, Tasha Danraj, Cameron Loxdale and Ralph Jones.

The producer was Rajiv Currier and it was a BBC Studios audio production for Radio 4.

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