Dead Ringers: Ep 2. America Went There

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Suffs!

The new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We demand to be home!

Winner, best score!

We demand to be seen!

Winner, best book!

We demand to be quality!

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs!

Playing the Orpheum Theater October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.

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From deserts to grasslands,

tropical rivers to the deep blue sea,

the living world is a unique and spectacular marvel.

A world containing a rich tapestry of beauty.

It is a remarkable time to be alive, but it also carries a responsibility to act decisively while there is still hope for humanity.

But there is no time to lose.

I truly believe we can and will.

What?

What he won?

Well, I tried my best.

Fire Fire up the jetpack.

Let's give Venus a go.

What a night this has been for America.

A night they told us would never happen.

Bigly impossible, the media said.

But as I watched the results come in with fake Melania at my side,

Belly aching that her check has bounced, they called the Donald the winner.

So I have just one thing to say.

I do not accept this result.

It's a steal.

Are you seriously telling me Americans voted for a Putin-loving felon who rambles on about Hannibal Lecter and windmills killing sharks and who brags about wanting to be a dictator?

Dictator?

They don't believe it.

That is why I'm calling on my supporters, especially the Shaman guy,

to storm the Capitol and overturn this bigly bogus result and put Kamala in the White House.

You're listening to today with Nick Robinson.

And Emma Barnett.

So Donald Trump will be the 47th and last ever President of America.

When it came to Trump getting a second four-year term, most of us assumed that would mean in a federal penitentiary with time off for good behaviour.

So as we dig into the election results, it seems that Kamala Harris lost the two main demographics that make up the US electorate.

White men over 50 who tell their female colleagues to smile more because they look prettier that way.

And Latinos under 40 who think Latinos under 40 should be deported because they're ruining the country.

Trump's victory means all the charges he was facing could disappear.

And that hasn't been lost on people, with both Prince Andrew and Russell Brown saying they'll stand for president in 2028.

It was a great night for Trump superfan, Elon Musk.

He's on the line.

When the result came in,

I was so excited.

A little engine oil leaked out of my PP.

So you were...

You were with Trump on the night.

That's right.

We Nazi and chilled.

We kicked back and Donald watched the election coverage on the television screen at my chest.

This is a great week for America.

No longer will the country be subjected to fake news by the mainstream media.

Instead, they'll have to get their fake news from me.

Time for Elon to power down.

As results came in, many took to the internet to share conspiracies about the sunglasses wearing figure next to Trump being a fake melania.

We can now reveal who was really by Trump's side that day.

No, no, no, let me speak.

Yes, it's me, Big Nige.

I did have to wear that dress, suspenders and high heels, which I normally wouldn't do in public because of woke, but it was worth it to be close to the big guy.

So do you think you'll be part of Trump's inner circle?

Absolutely.

Based on the simple fact that while I was necking down a celebratory pine in Mar-a-Lago, he almost remembered my name.

President-elect Trump's plans for large tariffs on imported goods were laid out in a speech.

For too long, China.

Tina.

And not just China.

The EU2

and the EU three

have been getting away with murder.

No more.

Once the Donald is back as your favorite president, the only people getting away with murder will be me, Dan Jr.

and Robert Kennedy Jr.

We'll each be allowed to select three people each day to kill

and two bears.

Happy days.

For her assessment of a potential US trade war, Rachel Reid joins me.

Good morning.

If you say so.

British goods could be hit with a 20% tariff.

Do you have a plan?

Oh, yeah, of course I've got a plan.

I'm the Chancellor.

One that doesn't involve reading out a sad poem?

No.

Perhaps, though, everyone is making too much about this.

You're right, Nick.

We should look on the bright side.

Be optimistic.

Not think that Trump will blow my budget out of the water and leave me dealing with a smouldering wreck of an economy with everyone shouting at me, What the hell have you done, Rachel?

What the hell have you done?

Like when I was 15 and I nearly shoplifted some eyeliner from Boots.

So you're remaining upbeat.

Sure, Nick.

We're all going to be fine.

As the result became clear, President Biden addressed the American people.

The country has spoken loud and clear.

And though it might be tough, it is decisive and has prompted me to do the only thing I can do: announce my intention to run for president in 2028.

Sure, I'll be 106,

Unintelligible, and I lose my train of thought and talk nonsense.

But this result shows that those are the things Americans love.

It seemed all the big Hollywood stars endorsed Carmela Harris, but there was one major black celebrity who bucked the trend.

Yes, I backed Trump.

And I haven't felt this good since the Death Star destroyed Alderan.

The deaths of tens of millions of innocent souls might be on my hands.

But with Trump in the White House, I'm guaranteed a full pardon.

But the Democrats did get some surprising backers.

Good morning, Emma.

Good to be on the show.

I never thought we'd see the Daleks back the Democrats.

We weren't exactly pro-Democrat.

We were more anyone but Trumpers.

Trump flagrantly disregards the traditional conservative values we hold so dear.

Plus, we fear he may want to get rid of wheelchair access ramps.

A large proportion of Muslim voters ensured a Trump win by refusing to vote for Kamala as she supported Israel's attacks on Gaza.

Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu gave this statement.

You achieved your aim, voters.

You wanted to save the Palestinian people, so you punished Kamala, who was only mildly supportive of me, and installed Donald Trump, who thinks Palestine was a character in Dune

and who'd be happy for me to bomb Gaza into obliteration.

Boy, do I have some turkeys who voted for Christmas I want you to meet.

Meanwhile, in Britain, the reaction to the election was mixed.

Prime Minister Sakir Starmer joins me.

So, this is an uncomfortable result given that several Labour activists went to America to campaign for Kamala Harris.

I can't understand it.

I mean,

we sent our best brains to help that campaign.

You know, the guy who told Ed Miliband to make that big stone and put all his promises on it.

The bloke who slapped a bacon butty in his hand and said, tuck into that, Ed, it'll make you look normal.

Even the lass who told Jeremy Corbyn to just be himself.

I mean, I can't see how she lost.

Other news now, a new Conservative leader, Kemi Badenock, announced her new shadow cabinet appointments, including Dame Pretty Patel as shadow foreign secretary.

Well, it was very surprising, considering that I both hate foreigners and can't say secretary.

The Austinbury Festival is changing its ticketing system.

Fans have been told to log on as early as November, which is also when they're advised to start queuing for the toilets.

The offices of Netflix have been raided as part of a probe into tax fraud.

Investigators spent hours searching before deciding there was nothing they were particularly interested in and went to bed early.

Hello.

Madam President-elect, you must be dancing on the tables, am I right?

Have you been watching the news, Joe?

Sure.

Can't say I like what CBS did with their election graphics this year.

What with all those mighty tall guys running around, bouncing a ball and throwing it through a hoop?

But the blue team beat the red team, and that's all that matters.

I see.

So I thought maybe I should call Trump to offer him my sincere commiserations.

You know, I think that's a great idea, Joe.

Would you mind if I listen in on that call?

Lord knows I could use a laugh.

That was pour some sugar on me

by Deaf Leopard.

Which leads nicely into our phone in later.

Have you ever had someone pour sugar on you?

Perhaps you were buried in the desert and someone was torturing you by having fire ants crawl over your face.

Or perhaps it was just a dream and your duvet was just a bit too heavy.

Well, that's our phone in later.

But first, Cammy Badenock is the new Tory leader.

She joins me now.

What a pleasure this is for you.

Now, I'm sure we're all excited by what you're going to do first.

So, what are you going to do first?

Well, I have cogitated long and hard, and I have decided to resign.

I beg your pardon?

No, I am going to quit right now.

Why?

Isn't it obvious?

I'm leading a major political party, and I'm black and I'm female.

How hideously woke am I?

I am wokeness gone mad.

I am a classic example of a diversity hire, and thus I am everything I hate.

I will resign and and repair the glass ceiling I have thoughtlessly broken.

But, Kemi, you've been elected the leader of the Conservative Party.

That's a huge achievement.

Not at all.

Leader of the Tory Party is basically a participation medal.

Reiki, right, well, here's Bette Midler.

And wind beneath my wings.

You've reached the voicemail of God.

Oh, Mr.

President,

it's Sakir Starmer here,

Prime Minister of Great Britain, you know, where Downtown Abbey's set.

I just wanted to congratulate you on the Prince of England, Mr.

Starmer.

Oh, I wasn't expecting you to pick up.

I thought you'd be too busy.

I always make time for a submissive backslapping.

Right, well,

jolly well done.

I'm absolutely chuffed

about the.

Do you know what chuffed me?

It's an English word.

Anyway,

Donald,

we're okay, aren't we?

I mean, I know we've had a few differences.

Your man, Wes Streeting, called me an odious, sad little man.

Did he?

Did he really?

Oh,

what a rude remark.

Still, I mean, he's only the health minister.

That's a pretty nothing job in the UK, really.

Foreign Secretary David Lammy called me a neo-Nazi sympathising sociopath.

I'm really sorry about that.

No, no, I quite like that.

Well, that was pretty good.

Nice sort of ring to it, I know.

But Sadiq Khan, nasty man.

You called me a troll who's beneath contempt.

Oh, well, that is, you know, that's completely off.

And don't forget, Keir, I call Trump a racist, misogynistic, self-confessed group.

Yeah, thanks, Ed.

Look, um, pleasant Trump,

I was hoping we could, you know, let bygons be bygones and, you know, focus on a mutually beneficial trade deal.

I couldn't agree more.

Because, I mean, what worries me is it.

Oh, you do?

Yeah.

You can have your trade deal as long as you let me turn Stonehenge into a golf course.

Yeah, sure, okay.

Buckingham Palace into a casino.

Yep, not a a problem.

And the BBC agrees to screen the best of Fox News in place of your match of the day program.

You bloody fascist over my dead body.

See you in hell.

Sucks.

The new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We demand to be hurt.

Winner, best score.

We demand to be seen.

Winner, best book.

We demand to be quality.

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs!

Playing the Orpheum Theater, October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.

Want to stop engine problems before they start?

Pick up a can of C-Foam Motor Treatment.

C-Foam helps engines start easier, run smoother, and last longer.

Trusted by millions every day, C-Foam is safe and easy to use in any engine.

Just pour it in your fuel tank.

Make the proven choice with C-Foam.

Available everywhere.

Automotive products are sold.

Seafoam!

Hi guys, welcome to the Rachel Maddow Show on MSNBC.

Joining me today is the failed vice presidential candidate Tim Waltz.

Because if I leave it any longer, we'll all have forgotten who he is.

Hi, diddly-ho, Rachel.

How do you feel?

I'm angry, Rachel.

I'm spitting angry.

I'm so angry, I'm not even going to send Donald Trump a congratulatory fruit basket.

You're angry.

What about the millions of us who had to spend the last few months watching you all gee and all shucks your way around the country like Winnie the Pooh on MDMA?

I mean,

how do you think we all feel?

Ah, shucks, not as angry as me, Rachel.

I was just about to mail Trump this letter expressing my hearty congratulations, but I stopped myself.

You're not sending it?

Oh, I still am, but I'm just removing the smiley faces.

I'm not a monster.

Mr.

Waltz, did you ever consider being less insipid and annoying, or did you actually intend to come across as a relentlessly positive waltzy-schmaltzy care bear?

How dare you?

You know, before I left, I was going to let you choose one of these delicious, cream-filled donuts, but now I'm just gonna give you a donut without even asking if you like the flavor.

Sorry, Rachel, but you left me no choice.

Oh, shucks, I'll just give you chocolate.

Everybody likes chocolate, don't they?

Hello, you've reached Great Ormond Street Hospital, the beloved institution saving children's lives every single day.

Please leave a message after the tone.

Greetings.

this is your king.

I'm calling about these terribly unfortunate stories in the newspapers about the Duchy of Lancaster making millions from the NHS.

And as the actual Duke of Lancaster, I really felt I ought to ring and say, where the bloody hell is my rent, you degenerate scumsuckers.

Does one look like a mug?

Don't make me set Camilla on you.

I've seen her do things with a polo mallet that would make you cry like a baby.

Anyway, looking forward enormously to next week and that new wing opening.

Goodbye.

Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to the one show with me, Alex Jones, your favorite novelty tea towel.

And with me, Vernon K.

Donas Where Genus went.

Thanks for joining us on the chummiest, happiest show on TV.

Today we'll be interviewing the grower of Sudbury's third largest marrow, meeting Didcot's oldest roofer, and hobnobbing with Arbroath's sweatiest potter.

Oh,

what's the point?

What's gotten into you, Alex?

America, that's what.

Alex, we've got to keep it light and fluffy.

I will not.

America, the Middle East, Ukraine, the world's a desperate void of darkness and despair.

Oh no, she's gone full goth.

No,

this is it for me, Vernon.

How can anyone be bubbly when everything is just bollocks?

Alex, you'll leave me no choice but to say the chummiest, causiest words until you cheer up.

Oh, here we go.

Flannel pajamas, knitwear, biscuits for dunking, the crackle of an open fire.

Oh, oh, it's working.

Keep going.

Eurovision, Christmas toffees, apple bobbin, weekend in Clitheroe, National Trust Berksale, cup of soup, and a crossword.

Oh, by Jove, he's done it!

Fire up the satellite link.

There's a sweaty potter that needs a grilling

available now for Americans who want to pretend that Trump's not as deranged as he seems.

The complete works of Donald Trump all on one download with Sir Ian McKellen.

They're eating the dogs.

The people that came in, they're eating the cats.

They're eating.

They're eating the pets of the people that live there.

When voiced by top British actors, you'll almost believe he makes sense.

Dame Judy Dench.

All I know about magnets is this.

Give me a glass of water.

Let me drop it on the magnets.

That's the end of magnets.

Olivia Coleman.

This is a tough hurricane.

Yes, it's one of the wettest we've ever seen from the standpoint of water.

And soliloquies from Sir Patrick Stewart.

Supposing you brought the light inside the body.

Which you can do either through the skin or in some other way.

And then I see the disinfectant that knocks it out in a minute.

One minute.

Is there a way we can do something with that?

By injection inside or almost a cleaning?

Mark Rylance.

She wants to get rid of your cows.

No more cows.

The complete works of Donald Trump.

Download today and you'll get Elon Musk's tweets read out by Alan Bennett so they don't seem batshit crazy.

Absolutely free.

The woke mind virus is either defeated or nothing else matters.

Doris.

It's 3 a.m.

on this historic election night.

I'm Katrina Perry.

And I'm Somi Samaskanda.

And we're joined by election guru, Professor John Curtis.

Professor, what do the latest exit polls tell us about the result?

I've no bloody idea.

I'm sorry.

I'm not a bloody expert.

But you are.

Of the UK electoral system, yes.

But apparently every time there's an election of any kind, I'm expected to have an opinion on it.

Well, I won't do it anymore.

My entire knowledge of America is cleaned from watching the Dukes of Hazard.

We won't let you go until you say a number.

Come on.

Okay, uh, six.

A bigger one.

A one that sounds important.

Two million and six.

But is that unexpected?

Well, I didn't expect to say it, so yes.

So, there has been been a totally unexpected 2 million and 6

that is going to cause shockwaves across America.

Now, over to Richard in Nowhere'sville.

You're listening to Nick Ferrari on LBC.

Good morning.

Now, Trump's election victory made a lot of the left-wing political commentaria look stupid.

Over the last few years, they've said Trump was a clown.

He said he was incompetent, a dim-wit, a fraud, a disaster, a laughing stock, and frankly, out of his mind.

And our first caller believes there's an important lesson here for the UK.

I know!

Because

that lot are always wrong.

They wouldn't know a political genius if it ran up to them and shouted, Hello, I'm Liz Truss.

Which I often do, by the way.

But anyway, I was just calling to say that I don't think people will be talking about Trump for much longer.

What do you mean?

Well, let's just say if my plan goes as well as I'm a humdo percent sure it will,

Trump will only be the second most amazing and totally unexpected political comeback ever.

What?

Please, no, no, no.

At least Trump had a lot of supporters.

You are the comeback that literally no one wants.

See, I've united the country already.

The Trustmeister is back.

Just call me Lizerus.

I know.

Oh, no, no, no.

Let me

speak.

This is the Farage Post-Election Night Party Podcast.

Deary me, I might have overdone the celebrations last night.

especially as this podcast is coming live from a ditch face down pants around my head

with giant stars and stripes foam finger lodged right up my hoop

what a night for america though unbelievable time to use my standing in the republican party for political gain nothing can stop me now

oh hang on oh no last night's coming back to me now oh nigge what have you done i just got into a moonshine downing contest with J.D.

Vance.

When I said I should have been VP.

Well, maybe he'll see it as a joke.

Then I set fire to his car.

Locked his wife in a broom cupboard.

Then spray-painted Farage for President on Baron Trump's face.

Oh, no, wait.

Oh, oh.

Oh, that's not good.

Everyone's sending me a video of last night.

Now let's have a look.

Hang on, huh?

Oh, that's fine.

I'm just dancing.

No trousers on.

And I've dyed my short and curlies blonde.

Popped a tiny red tie in my tackle.

And there I am shouting, everybody look at my dong al Trump.

Unbelievable.

Well, the bad news is, I've probably burnt all my bridges.

But the good news is, sexual harassment in the US is legal as of this morning.

Well,

looks like I've got two options.

Stay here and face the music.

Or jump on the next flight back to Clacton and serve the people who elected me.

Face the music, it is Viva LeDonald.

You're listening to Front Row.

The latest Hollywood classic to be given a remake is Cabaret, the Bob Fossey musical set against the rise of fascism in Nazi-era Germany.

And the new version is said to reference certain aspects of contemporary politics.

I do not find this party amusing.

Ah, but this is just the beginning.

Someone will provide some fun, surely.

Who will?

That orange man dressed as a Hitler youth.

Listen up, Frauleins.

We all knew the Donald was favorite to win.

Thanks to Elon and Bob Kennedy.

Great guys.

Not forgetting my bestie, dear Vlad Putin.

Great patriot.

Tomorrow belongs to me.

It was either the White House or jail or a ditch at the mercy of that witch Kamala.

She's a witch, but thanks to my mans, I'm not the bitch of a drug baron from Tijuana.

Tijuana, because tomorrow belongs to me.

Now I'll be your king and Vance will be queen.

I'll show just how rude I can get.

And if you thought fillating a mic was obscene, oh boy, you ain't seen nothing yet.

Just ask Melania, tomorrow belongs to me.

What do you think, Elon?

Well, let's rebrand this land as the US of X.

It's a pretty smart move, huh?

Yeah, I agree.

They say all my fans are just weird rednecks.

Well, not all.

Some are normal like me.

Now I'll do whatever my Putin demands.

He has photos of me and PP.

Ukraine will be pleased.

Their fate's in my hands.

This country belongs.

The world will belong.

Tomorrow belongs

to me.

Dared Ringers was performed by John Colshore, Lewis McLeod, Jan Ravens, Jess Robinson and Duncan Wisby.

The writers were Nev Fountain and Tom Jameson, Lawrence Harth, Ed Amsden and Tom Coles, Rob Dark, Edward Chu, Cody Dahl, Joe Topping, Peter Talouch, Duncan Wisby, Vicki Richards, with additional material by Jennifer Walker.

Music was composed by Duncan Wisby.

It was a BBC Studios audio production for Radio 4, and the producer and creator was Bill Dare.

Hello, I'm India Raxon, and I just want to quickly talk to you about witches.

In this series from BBC Radio 4, simply titled Witch, I'm going to explore the meaning of the word today.

It is a twisting-turning rabbit warren of a world, full of forgotten connections to land and to power, lost graves, stolen words, and indelible marks on the world.

Because the story of the witch is actually the story of us all.

Come and find out why.

On Witch with me, Indiakison.

Subscribe wherever you get your podcasts.

Hello, I'm Greg Jenner, host of You're Dead to Me, the comedy podcast from the BBC that takes history seriously.

Each week, I'm joined by a comedian and an expert historian to learn and laugh about the past.

In our all-new season, we cover unique areas of history that your school lessons may have missed, from getting ready in the Renaissance era to the Kellogg brothers.

Listen to Your Dead to Me Now, wherever you get your podcasts.

Want to stop engine problems before they start?

Pick up a can of C-Foam Motor Treatment.

C-Foam helps engines start easier, run smoother, and last longer.

Trusted by millions every day, C-Foam is safe and easy to use in any engine.

Just pour it in your fuel tank.

Make the proven choice with C-Foam.

Available everywhere, automotive products are sold.

Seafoam!