The News Quiz: Ep4. Conference & Confidence

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This is an appeal for calm.

I'm Andy Zoltzmann.

Please send in any spare bits of calm that you don't need.

With the world in its current agitated state, any calm you can donate will help.

Maybe you can spare a nice cup of tea, a 10-minute sit-down with a colouring book and a snoozing dog, don't draw on the dog, or even an old video of Michael Atherton batting stoically for a draw that the UN could project onto the skies above the Middle East.

Proper cricket, nature's purest balm.

And to do our bit, here is our specially calmed version of the news quiz.

Welcome to the News Quiz.

I I am Andy Zoltzmann.

Just quickly, after the Wi-Fi hack at stations this week that resulted in people logging into station Wi-Fi receiving a bogus warning about a fictitious terror attack, I'm a bit worried that my script might have been hacked and tampered with, but I'll worry about that after I've finished explaining why sport is a waste of time and balding lapsed Jewish comedians have no place on radio.

Hang on, hang on.

Our teams this week as the UN meets in New York and with health warnings over vegan dairy products, our teams are Team Give Peace a Chance and Team Give Cheese a Pass.

On Team Peace, we have Alice Fraser and Robin Morgan.

And on Team Cheese, Ian Smith and contributing editor at Navarra Media, Ash Saka.

Following more complaints about the imprecise scoring system on the news, quiz, I will just be awarding a grade to our teams as we go through the show.

And if they're not happy at the end, they can do a reset.

Right, we'll start at the Labour conference with our first question, and it's a missing words question, and this can go to Alice and Robin first.

Labour leader Kier Stummer, in his first conference speech since becoming Prime Minister, promised that he offered no answers or hope.

Are there words missing, and if so, what are they?

There aren't any words missing.

That was completely true.

He leaned into the lectern and was like, and you've got a problem with that?

He's gone really balsi now.

He's very confident.

It's the Changed Labour Party.

It's very, very exciting.

He said there was no easy answers, and he couldn't offer false hope.

Correct, yes.

It's an odd thing.

He's made a lot of promises.

He said Labour's going to do a crackdown on knife crime, give a real living wage, modern industrial strategy, a 10-year plan for the NHS, devolution for the nation's regions and cities, the biggest levelling up of workers' rights in a generation, more teachers, more neighbourhood police, more operations, rebuilding the public service.

And all he asks in exchange is £23,000 worth of cravats as free gifts.

He was on the Tuesday, wasn't he?

He was on Tuesday afternoon, and then they left Twest Streeting on the Wednesday in the Glastonbury Legends slot.

I really enjoyed his speech.

I thought it was quite exciting.

I enjoyed David Lammy's speech on the Sunday.

That was quite nice.

He said, Britain is back.

He said he's been going around the world telling other world leaders that Britain is back, which, given our history,

suggests the Empire is back.

There was a film about that.

So, when he said Britain is back, did you slightly get the sense that around the world everyone just said to each other, nail everything down?

Ash, what, as a political writer, what did you make of the whole Labour Congress?

They're only a few months into their term of office after 14 years in opposition, and yet they seem to be oddly fractious.

Yeah, it was weirdly fractious.

I mean, the thing which is really funny about Keostamo is that when he's not punching left in his own party, he really doesn't know what to do.

So, when journalists are saying, Hey, like, were those like £20,000 worth of suits, was that really necessary?

Did you have to stay in the £18 million penthouse?

He's like, I absolutely did, and it's actually quite rude to my children that you you would suggest that I wasn't fair and upstanding.

And it means that that difference that he played on for years, which is, I'm not Boris Johnson, is really starting to melt away.

And if he turned out tomorrow to have like seven more unidentified children, I'd be like, yeah, that tracks.

Can I say one thing?

I've been told online a lot recently that apparently I look like a young Sakir starmer.

So if there is a child around, I'm going to get some of those.

I'm going to get some hand-by-damned fleeces, is what I'm going to get.

You could take the Labour government down.

If you just said you're one of his illegitimate kids, no one would do a DNA test.

Yeah, I'll buy that.

And he's got a new catchphrase, which I think is very clever, because the catchphrase is change begins.

But he hasn't specified when

or who is doing it.

Just says change at some point will begin.

But he's, I think, made it very clear he's not going to be starting that

or it will go very slowly.

I mean, it was, you know, it was a set-piece speech at a conference, so it's bound to be a bit vague and a bit general.

I mean, looking for policy detail in a set-piece speech is a bit like looking for a dolphin in a haystack.

But it would be easy to spot if it was there, but it's unrealistic to expect any.

Do you think they're starting to make their plans for the country a bit clearer, Ash?

Well, I think that there was always a plan, right?

And the plan was phase one, during the election, you say, we're not going to have these kinds of tax rises.

Phase two, you get into office and you go, Oh, we had a look under the hood, and it's so much worse than we thought it was going to be.

And then phase three is you've got a budget coming along where it's like, Okay, we're going to magic some money out of a hat, maybe change some Bank of England rules.

And, like, what do you know?

Maybe we have to do some tax rises as well.

And it was quite obvious from the start, but what's wonderful about British journalism is that you've got this whole layer of very elite, very well-paid journalists whose only job is to comment on current affairs like they've just been kicked in the head by a mule.

It's like, oh, this is so surprising.

Who could have seen this coming?

Oh, they're saying it's worse under the hood.

Like, oh, now tax rises, what a surprise.

And it's like, oh, wow.

That does sort of make sense because Kier Starmer grew up on a donkey farm, didn't he?

That's obviously where the mules were coming from, I think.

That sounds like my dad.

It sounds like you've misheard tool and mule.

My dad was a mule, Micah.

They very quickly cut the winter fuel allowance.

So they lost a vote at the conference whether they approve of the fuel allowance or not.

What I didn't realize is how that vote happens.

It's a woman asking who's for, then everyone puts their hands up, and in the space of two seconds, she just goes,

Okay, and against, and then the hands up again,

yeah, I think that's against.

Yeah, it just seems bizarre that we're still doing counting hands.

Right.

I mean, unless you guys think it's good.

Um hands up first.

Also, um I feel like there's an obvious solution here.

So a lot of money was spent on um Rwanda, which is very warm.

We send the pensioners to Rwanda.

All the infrastructure has been set up to send the pensioners to Rwanda, and then we can put people seeking asylum in all people's homes.

What tell me a negative?

Ian, your plans never have negatives.

Thank you.

Another question on conference for Ashen.

Ian, Chancellor of the Exchequer, Rachel Reeves, claimed the government will make Britain the best place to start a what?

I wanted to say fight, but I think it's business.

Well, it could be both, actually, but business is the correct answer, yes.

And you know, in terms of you're kind of trying to rebuild business confidence, do you sense that is business behind Labour?

Well, I mean, this is the kind of funny thing about Labour Strategy, which is on the one hand, they're like, we really, really need private investment, we need international investment in this country.

And on the other hand, they've been spending the last, you know, few months going, Britain's really shit.

Like, we're completely upper creek.

Like, please don't expect any good things to happen because they won't.

So, if you're an international investor, you're a bit like, I don't really know if I want to put my money here.

So, over conference, I think there was a memo that went out, which was like, smile more and sound more upbeat.

So, during the Chancellor's speech, it was like, I really do believe in Britain.

We're capable of great things.

Not those things that you want, but different things,

cheaper things.

Look, we've got Gary Neville.

Ian, what do you think Britain is the best place to start?

If you had to finish that sentence, Britain is the best place to start.

A conga line directly over the white cliffs of Dove.

Yes, this was indeed party conference season.

The annual festival of fixed smiles precisely expressed vagueness and parties taking on their own fiercest rivals, themselves.

Starmer has stated his willingness willingness to be unpopular, and to be fair to him, it's very good to see a politician make such a determined effort to live up to a promise for once.

So let's move on now to a bit more detail on what was said.

A new government bill could require who to snoop into whose whats.

A new government bill could require Keir Starmer to snoop into everybody's wardrobes and pick what he likes the best.

Is this banks can snoop into benefit claimants' bank accounts?

Is that correct?

In case case they are on the take.

It's interesting, isn't it?

Istama said he wanted to get more people back to work and it's already had an effect.

One person has.

Philip Schofield's back on TV.

You cannot keep a good man down.

You've clearly never wrestled against a Pope.

How dare you?

In my hometown of Ghoul, I saw my best bit of benefit fraud.

I saw a man on a mobility scooter get an egg thrown at him and then get up off the mobility scooter, run after the kid

and punch that kid in the face.

That's what happens in Ghoul, you get to see benefit fraud live.

There's a man in Ghoul who's been claiming benefits has been decapitated

and but he's got away with it because he just stuffs his head into his shirt for his passport photo.

Another thing emerging from the Labour Conference, the government has said it wants fewer women to do what?

They want fewer women to be an afterthought to men.

And speaking of men, aren't men great, Andy?

I know you call it.

There's been loads throughout history: Henry VIII, Henry VIII.

I could go on.

Fewer women to use exclamation marks in work emails.

Isn't that a typically feminine trait?

I love an exclamation mark.

Maybe that's because you're a new man, so you know, this is an effeminate quality.

But it's definitely that thing of like, okay, I just, you know, I'd really like it if you paid me the £600 that you owe me, but no worries if not.

Any other assertions, Alice?

Time?

Yes.

The answer is due time.

They want fewer women in prisons because apparently not only is it likely to lead to further criminalisation and self-harm, it's also highly unflattering to be in prison.

It's not working for women, according to Shabana Mahmood.

Everyone from a cool winter to a highly saturated fall colour palette

is really washed out by a ten stretch.

So, yeah, this is Justice Secretary Shabana Mahmood announcing measures to reduce the number of women in prison on the rather spurious grounds that all the evidence shows that for most women offenders, prisoner is ineffective, inappropriate, counterproductive, dangerous, damaging, and expensive.

But apart from that,

it works a birthday treat.

But

politically, it's always a tricky thing for a government, sir.

I think it's always difficult because people have this natural sense of fairness, which is if you've done something wrong, you should be punished.

But every time you take someone out of their community and into a prison, it's like you create a tear in the social fabric, right?

So, more damage happens.

If you take a woman into prison, the likelihood is that she's going to be somebody's primary caregiver.

Two-thirds of women who are in prison are survivors of domestic violence, and disproportionately their care experienced as well.

So, the kind of damage that you're creating has this ripple-out effect to lots of other people, including children.

When you render a child without a primary caregiver, that's a really expensive problem for states.

So, I think that, yes, this might rub up against people's sense of fairness, but ultimately, it's always thing.

I realised there were no jokes in that, I'm so sorry.

What about if, whenever someone commits a crime, they get to nominate one friend or family member to go into prison with them,

and that's non-negotiable?

So, yeah, you've been chosen to go into prison with Karen, and you don't even have to know them, you pick a celebrity

just to make it so that people are by themselves.

Well, that would make sense.

And also, obviously, prisons breed crime like Catholic rabbits.

So, actually, one of the great problems with prisons in terms of re-offending is there are not enough innocent people in jail.

If more than 50% of the prison population is innocent, then by sheer force of personality, they will cure everyone else of crime.

Or also, if lots of people are re-offending, why don't we make less things illegal?

So when they come out of prison and do those things, we're like, well, that's not illegal.

You can set fire to whatever you want.

I feel like I'm suggesting a lot of really good stuff here.

I had a GCSU sociology teacher who said that in all seriousness in like lesson one, module one of like crime and punishment.

He was like, how would you get rid of crime tomorrow?

And this one girl was like, get rid of all the laws, sir.

And he was like, bingo.

I mean, I do have a good solution, which is that for all women, in order to stop them sort of costing the prisons money, what you need to do is put them under house arrest, right?

And so I suggest you don't even need to give them the ankle bracelet, just give them a two and a half year old

and they will plan to go out in 15 minutes and they will still be at home four years from now.

And to merge my idea,

it can be a two and a half year old of their choice.

Let's move on to the obvious highlight of the conference.

This comes in the form of a true or almost true question.

Is this true or almost true?

Addressing the Middle East crisis, Kier Starmer called for the return of fish fingers.

Almost true.

Correct.

Yes, it was almost.

What did he actually say?

He said sausages.

Yes.

Which I thought was a profound misunderstanding of both an Islamic culture and a Jewish one.

Yes.

I mean, it was a, you know, clearly, I think it was a slip of the tongue.

Do we think it was a slip of the tongue or

it was inevitable?

This is what happens when you have a hotel continental breakfast three days on the trot.

That's too much eggs and bacon.

It's too much processed food.

It's happened all the time.

Liz Truss started going on about pork markets.

Keir Starmer has now banged on about sausages.

It didn't get reported on, but Wes Streeting finished his speech with, give me a dippy egg, I want a dippy egg.

I like that he didn't technically correct himself.

He just said hostages afterwards.

So he didn't go, sausages, oh, sorry, what am I saying?

So it sounded like the the start of a list.

He basically went, I demand the return of the sausages.

Hostages?

Mashed potato?

It's very odd.

I thought it was a possessive on the sausages, so it was the hostages of the sausages being held to be the sausages.

Return of the sausages is

not my favourite of the trilogy.

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Right, at the end of that round, we're doing a grading system this week.

Alice and Robin have A minus, and Ash and Ian have a straight A.

Right, now we have a special round looking at what former news quiz hosts are getting up to these days.

Some of them have been in the news this week, so each of these questions deals with a former news quiz host, and this comes in the form of a misleading headline.

So Ash and Ian, what is the real story here?

Sandy Toxvig marries Bjorn from ABBA, which is a bit of a surprise on various levels.

Is it Mary's like officiated

ceremony?

Yes, there you go.

Sandy Toxvig has officiated the marriage of Bjorn from ABBA.

And that makes me hugely excited that I could one day fulfil my dream of marrying off one of Buck's Fizz.

Yeah, Abba's Bjorn Ulvaeus has married his partner, Christina Sass, in a ceremony that was officiated by Sandy Toxvig.

Which is the gayest-sounding news story to involve a straight couple getting married since Liza Minelli went to Elizabeth Taylor's eighth wedding on Michael Jackson's Neverland estate.

If I was Sandy Toxvig, I'd have done it as a hologram, see how they like it.

I found out that Bjorn has been married twice before as well in weddings officiated by Simon Hoggart and Barry Took.

Do you think when they said I do, the QI siren come on us?

An obvious answer.

Let's move on to another Newsquiz host, another misleading headline.

Nish Kumar, who hosted the Newsquiz in early 2020, remains a long shot outsider to be new leader of the Conservative Party.

But the man who is current favourite, Robert Jenrick, had a bit of trouble this week trying to define what.

Britishness, I think it is.

I mean, okay, well, the one thing he could say about Britishness is that it's been ruined by ethnic minorities and migrants.

There's one thing that everyone can agree on, is that we're definitely the worst.

I like how he looked at me as if I was going to go, oh, yeah, yeah, that's it.

He had so much to say in the green room, was it?

He's the frontrunner, isn't he?

For the probably going to get the Tory leadership.

And obviously, he's sort of to the right of the party, which means I guess that side of politics is now sort of a Robert Generic Nigel Farage sausage fest.

Sorry, hostage fest.

I sort of don't understand what is England's national identity, but a sort of a vague patchwork chorus of a thousand complaints about the weather in 400 different completely incomprehensible regional dialects, working vaguely in harmony towards a brighter future.

Crisp sandwiches.

You don't get them in any other country.

You know, I look at it and like, especially the really cheap crisps, which are mostly fat, and you have them in the cheap white bread, and you crunch into it, and a single tear rolls down my eye.

And I can hear land of hope and glory somewhere in the land.

Robert Jenrick's angry about this war cornmeal bread that's coming under him.

Yeah, it's brown.

At the end of our news quiz host round, both teams are now on a B.

Let's go across the Atlantic now.

Kirst Armer, after leaving the party conference, popped across the pond to New York there as the United Nations issued further trademark resolutions, including please stop and Loveheart emoji.

The USA and France call for 21 days of what to happen and where.

I guess I'll be ceasefire in Lebanon, in the south of Lebanon.

So, obviously, there's been an outbreak of hostilities between Israel and Hezbollah.

It's been going on for some time with rockets being fired into Israel, displacement of tens of thousands of people, and now there's airstrikes being launched on Beirut and preparations for a ground invasion.

I mean, it's there's nothing funny about it, but you have all the sort of wagging fingers from Washington and Westminster going, Oh, Netanyahu, will you please stop?

And he's just like, No,

I will not.

Because, yeah, this sort of threatens to create a big regional conflict, which is very bad for everybody apart from Netanyahu's cabinet, because it gives them a stay of execution.

Ian, you've never been Secretary General of the United Nations yet.

Not through want of trying.

That's a personal goal of yours.

I mean, any suggestions what the UN might want to do?

Well, they should heed the wise words of Russia, who called for an immediate cessation of hostilities.

And I imagine they did that while, like, giggling to themselves to be like, this is cheeky of us.

I think what I'd want to bring up is why the days of a ceasefire are so specific.

21 days.

It's a very specific number.

Personally, I'd be more in favour of not a 21-day ceasefire, but a 21-millennium ceasefire, which might be enough time for everyone to calm down.

Do you think?

Is that enough, or do we need a bit more than that?

I reckon on the hour of the end of the 21st millennium, you're going to hear the sound.

That might be the most depressing thing anyone's said on.

In fact,

the Secretary General Antonio Guterres said a United Security Council can make a tremendous difference for peace.

Now, given that the five permanent members of the Security Council are the UK, France, USA, China, and Russia,

can you tell me something that is about as likely to happen as unity between those five countries?

Someone running the London Marathon but not telling you that they're going to run.

That really puts things in perspective.

I've got something that I think would unite those countries.

It's immature, but farts are funny.

Farting is funny.

Little whoopie cushion under the German Chancellor's seat.

He goes on it, big old fart noise, putting straight on the phone.

Let's withdraw the troops.

Kirstam is already making a joke.

Sounds like Schultz has already withdrawn his troops.

They're laughing.

They're having fun.

So, yeah, maybe just bring a load of whoopy cushions into the UN.

The five members of the Security Council, the reason why they're the US, UK, France, Russia, China, is because they all were on the winning side of World War II.

And it's like when you make friends on holiday and you realise you've got nothing in common afterwards.

And you're like, oh, you know, shall we just keep in touch?

And it's like, no, no, not really.

It's also not just that, but then for the next 70 years, you spend a lot of your time trying to kill each other.

And there was another quote from Antonio Guterres, the Secretary General, describing the UN.

He said, We have no power, we have no money, but we have a voice.

But I'm in that situation.

The UN, I've got no power, I've got no money.

I can speak.

I'm not getting involved in these things.

I think the UN's a bit like Father Christmas.

It would be nice if more people believed in it, but like Father Christmas, it's hard to take him seriously without a strong military presence.

We have no money, we have no power, but we have a voice Sounds like what the Guardian does to try and get you to pay them.

Like when the UN ambassador from Slovenia, he's the rotating president, he condemned the poisonous mood at the UN, to which the ambassador from Italy said, Maybe we wouldn't be in such a poisonous mood if you'd pitched in your share of the check after the diplomatic dinner, Slovenia.

To which the ambassador from Slovenia said, I loathe going Dutch, to which the Dutch ambassador smashed a porcelain windmill covered in clogs and took his shirt off.

And then the transcripts stopped after that.

Israel has rejected a 21-day ceasefire proposed by the USA and France and endorsed by Team GB.

Israel boss Benjamin Netanyahu extended a firm middle finger to the concept of compromise as the year-long game of atrocity tennis continues.

I think this delicate, intractable, and nuanced situation needs Benjamin Netanyahu, very much like a paddling pool needs a piranha.

In other words, not at all, unless you want everyone to have to flee for their lives as quickly as possible.

Right, at the end of that round, both teams are back up to A-

We finish this week's show with a special round.

A number of biblical prophecies have come true this week.

Admittedly, they're prophecies from this, the recently discovered gospel according to St Alvin, unearthed by archaeologists last month in a fly-tip sports hold all on the outskirts of Hemel Hemstead.

But still, a biblical prophecy is a biblical prophecy.

Our panelists have to tell me how this prophecy ends.

Wars will rage, rich men will do ill, words will have no meaning, and then the gasping world will at last receive the second.

The second course at this fancy restaurant.

Why do they think we want to spend 45 minutes chit-chatting between not enough entree and too much main?

That's a good answer, but it's not correct.

Any other suggestions?

We'll receive the second Neville brother.

Phil Neville has been very quiet.

Not the correct answer.

Anyone know that?

It's a moon.

Yes, we're going to get a second moon.

Second moon.

To send all the astrology girls crazy.

It's a little asteroid, which still seems quite big to me if we're counting it as a moon.

It's getting pulled into the Earth's orbit.

So for, I think it's like a month and a bit.

Spare moon.

Yeah.

Quite exciting, though, isn't it?

It is exciting.

Say what you want about Starma, but he said change is going to begin.

Last 14 years, one moon,

three months in, he's doubled the moon.

Can't say further than that.

It's about time as well that I think the moon's had it too good for too long.

If you look at like Jupiter and Saturn, they've got lots of moons and they've all got individual names.

The moon is so arrogant.

What's your name?

The moon.

I am the moon.

So I think we need to come up with a name for the moon now, because it isn't just the moon.

It can't be called the moon too.

I can't believe this libertarian moon economics that you're coming up with.

Oh, the free market will solve the moon's arrogance problem.

It'll get competitive again and start, I don't know, giving women more periods.

Like, I don't understand.

I'm going to wait for this rash of werewolves that can come in every fortnight.

Oh, God, yeah, there's going to be so many werewolves.

Oh, man, Starma, you've done it again.

The moon was discovered by NASA's asteroid terrestrial impact last alert system.

Why don't we have a first alert system?

It's mad that that's the one that's picking asteroids up first is the last alert.

Basically we have enough time to go, oh God.

You're not going to lie this.

Right, so that means that Ash and Ian are our winners this week with an A plus.

I'm sorry, you're very nice people, but suck on that.

We don't have enough triumphalism from the winning sides on the newsquiz.

We're bringing that.

Thank you very much for listening to the Newsquiz.

I've been Andy Zaltzman.

Goodbye.

Taking part in the Newsquiz were Ash Saka, Alice Fraser, Ian Smith and Robin Morgan.

In the chair was me, Andy Zaltzman.

And additional material was written by Christina Riggs, Jade Gebby, Mark Granger, and Sharon Wanjohi.

The producer was Sam Holmes and it was a BBC Studios audio production for Radio 4.

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