The News Quiz: Ep2. Prisoners and Pensioners

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Hello.

Hello, welcome to the News Quiz.

I am Andy Zoltzmann, and our teams this week in a week featuring an alarming report on the state of the NHS and the first and possibly last presidential debate of the U.S.

election.

Our teams are Team Reform or Die against Team Perform and Lie.

On Team, let's call them Team Rod and Team Pal.

Team Rod is Simon Evans and Glenn Moore.

And Team Pal, Rhea Lina, and journalist and co-host of the Pod Save the UK podcast, Coco Khan.

And Coco and Rhea, you can have our first question.

Who this week put the win into looming threat of a long cold winter?

Well, I think we know who that is.

It's Mr.

Starmer.

Correct.

So the latest iteration in this quite sad story about the winter fuel allowance being cut is that there was a vote and Labour won quite sizably.

So Labour have a massive majority, so it was expected that they would win.

But it's interesting to see how many from Labour voted against.

Interestingly, 52 MPs abstained this time, and I think we can all say that they were just very, very scared of Keir Starmer.

So, it's been a controversial policy, but it is going to happen.

Majorities are really interesting because, in general, a government that has a sizable majority will try and do something extremely radical.

So, Thatcher was the privatisation project, with Tony Blair, it was devolution, constitutional changes.

With Johnson,

he was too flustered to do much.

What Labour we're going to do, we don't know.

So at the moment, we're continuing with what I call the heaven knows I'm miserable now talk,

where Pierre Starmer will find a department and face the nation and say, I'm sorry, it's bad.

Did you know today, just as while I'm here, the police minister was at a conference talking to an audience of law enforcement professionals about the epidemic of petty theft and got robbed.

So I think we know which department's next.

Yeah, this is huge with the winter fuel allowance, but I mean, we've got to put it into perspective.

They did do an impact report, didn't they?

And the reports say that we're only going to lose 4,000 people.

Only.

Only 4,000.

Can we put that into perspective?

We're only losing 4,000 people this winter to this.

In the 22, 23 winter, the Tories lost 4,950.

Okay.

The year before that, excess winter deaths were 13,400.

And the year before that, it was $60,760.

So if anything, like Labor's making things better.

Right.

So you're saying Kirstama is basically finishing the job that COVID started.

As I now call him, bad King Wenceslas.

Yeah, I think feel free to call him bad King Wenceslaus because what's crazy to me is that he's justified this.

He's justified this by saying, but they're going to get more money back in the pension reforms in next April, where we're going to raise all their pensions by about 4%,

which will give everybody about £460 a year which is more than the £200 or $300 they would have gotten from the winter fuel allowance.

So it's a win.

They're actually going to end up positive and you go, hang on a second, they have to make it through winter first here

in order to get that.

It's like squid game for pensioners.

I mean, in terms of the optics of it, Simon, I mean, shivering pensioners don't always convey an overt message of hope and progress.

Well, it's interesting though, isn't it?

Because they are perceived to be Tory voters, I suspect.

That's part of it, isn't it?

He doesn't mind being unpopular with people who

lost a young vote when they voted for Brexit eight years ago.

They still haven't been forgiven for that.

He knows he doesn't really have to worry.

He's got his own backbenches to worry about, doesn't have to worry about the opposition.

They haven't even got any backbenches.

They don't even need a backbench.

They've got a shooting stick and a couple of deck chairs.

And he's currently, I mean, he can make as many unpopular decisions as he wants at the moment because he is in that sweet spot where anything the Tories say, he can go, well, I would love it if you hadn't left me with this mess.

But here we are doing his kind of Oliver Hardy moment.

You know,

there's going to be two years of obvious accusations of hypocrisy.

There'll be a sweet spot of about six months with some meaningful debate, and then the government will be exhausted for two years, and then there'll be an election.

So, you know, we go through that.

In the meantime, the opposition is bizarrely Nigel Farage, really.

It is weird that actually he is in the honeymoon period, and they say, well, it is fine for him because he is in the honeymoon period.

And I don't think anyone has ever experienced the answer to the question, how is he a honeymoon?

You go, it was good.

I mean, a lot of old people die.

People say that he's coming out with the unpopular policies first, that maybe in the autumn statement he'll do something radical.

Perhaps there'll be changes to capital gains tax, there might be even more changes to taxes on higher earners.

I mean, we don't know.

He might be Clark Kent now and he might rip that shirt, S for starma, Superman.

You don't know.

It could happen.

S for son of a toolmaker.

I mean, some people have said that the government is already losing its lustre, which does raise the interesting philosophical question, can a potato lose its shine?

I would just say, Andy, I read a story about Keir Starmer that his children asked for a puppy and he negotiated them down to a cat.

I think that is.

I mean, that's barely a a meal, is it?

The decision could affect ten million people, but that won't really be a problem unless the temperature drops below, say, 20, 22 degrees Celsius at any point in the next six to eight months, which seems pretty unlikely.

It would be.

I mean, I, you know, as a centre-right individual, I would find it absolutely deliciously ironic if he's made himself this unpopular and then it's a mild winter and no one dies anyway.

I mean, that would be just, you know, the perfect combo.

Simon and Glenn, Kierstama has placed an order for the biggest what in history.

Foreign Secretary.

Watch the world tremble.

North Korea will be terrified at the sight of a 110-metre David Lamy.

Is that right?

It's not, it's not, well, it's a right idea, but it's not the right answer.

It's going to be the NHS reforms, right?

The biggest overhaul of the NHS since 1948, which is when it was founded.

And for those of us who do remember that far back,

you know, it was a glorious new door and it was a very exciting time.

And I think, in a way, he is trying to revive our hopes.

I remember the launch of the NHS in 1948 with its famous slogan: A hundred days to save the NHS.

It does make sense that you know he wants a 10-year plan, he wants stuff like a fully sort of digital NHS, moving it outside of hospitals, moving it to sort of local communities, trying to face trying to fight preventions.

Fight preventions.

Fight preventions, yeah, yeah.

No more cures.

He's right to be doing what he's doing because, at the moment, I don't think the NHS is good enough.

I think it does fail on a lot of fronts.

It is not good enough.

As an example, in 2021, my girlfriend went into hospital for essentially a routine procedure.

It ended up ruining her life.

It ruined my life.

She gave birth to a healthy baby boy.

It's ruined

everything.

I think it should be like EasyJet hotels.

You know how, like, if you get a bed at an EasyJet hotel, it's basically free, but you have to pay extra for like a window and add-ons and stuff like that.

Oxygen and things like that.

Yeah, essentially.

That if you go into hospital and it's sort of like, okay, so for free, it will be like medieval or like pirate ship sort of thing.

They'll saw your leg off with just, you know, a rusty sort of saw.

But for like an extra £10,

you can bite down on some leather.

And for like £20, you actually get the root canal treatment you originally booked in for in the first place.

And so you end up lying there saying, go on, I'll give you £150, give me a blast on the defib.

I would just like to say on this, like, I think in Stalma's speech, he gave some really good examples.

He talked about I've had enough of paying £5,000

a shift for agency workers.

I'm sure those agency workers aren't making £5,000.

Someone else is making a tidy profit there.

And so, you know, it just was quite rousing.

You think, yeah, no, why should we pay more for these broken systems?

But I don't think it changes the picture, which is that, yes, of course, we do need reform, but also we need money now to deal with the waiting list and to deal with things.

But that's what I think is genius about what Keir's trying to do.

Everybody's been throwing money at it.

They've been throwing money in different ways and the rest of it.

And I think, you know, his way of going, hang on, this hasn't worked.

Why don't we try not throwing money at it and seeing if that has, you know, a better effect?

And I'm interested to see how well that works for him.

Because obviously the report said lack of money was one of the problems.

So he was like, cool.

Lack of money is now the solution.

I think it's so crazy it might not work.

It's got to work though because everything, I feel like waiting times are up.

It feels like there are half as many GPs as there used to be.

Like doctor Doctor jokes are now just doctor jokes.

It's just.

Pull yourself.

Well on that subject Rhea, who, apparently, according to this report, needs to stop throwing what at what?

Oh, the government needs to stop throwing prisoners at the general public.

No, the government needs to stop throwing death in winter at pensioners.

No, okay, wait.

The government needs to stop throwing parties at 10 Downing Street.

I knew I'd get there.

I'm right, aren't I?

I'm right.

Children from 1960 safety videos need to stop throwing frisbees at pylons.

Yeah, ministers should stop throwing money at hospitals.

Wes Streeting said that the NHS needs three big shifts.

I think I read that right.

Panelists, can you.

So what three big changes would you make to the NHS clear?

Changes, is that what he meant?

I thought he just meant if we all did three shifts at the NHS.

I had serious demands.

Do you have some serious demands?

So did I.

Oh, I, yeah, heavy.

I've got some serious ones.

Yeah, she's got some serious ones.

I've got serious ones.

So,

privatization, the report highlighted that the acceleration of this under the coalition government has been enormously damaging for the NHS.

So, rolling back privatisation.

I've got a serious one.

Cheaper entertainment for hospital waiting rooms.

No, do you know what costs £20,000?

Those wooden blocks you have to push around a wire?

I think we should make GPs answer their own phones.

Do we have any GPs in?

Wow.

You are a brave woman to admit that.

I say we stop the show and have an appointment.

Where's your receptionist now, bitch?

I am.

Thank you so much for your service.

Please don't quit.

Please don't quit.

Please don't go private.

We love you.

Yeah, Kier Stahlmer has said that the NHS is like a pair of eggs in the early stages of an omelet-making competition, broken but not beaten.

He gave...

Wow.

Too soon.

The report has suggested that focus should be more on care in the community and prevention and other means to save money for the NHS, such as people watching YouTube videos of how to do a frontal lobotomy on themselves with a pizza cutter.

We can all do our bit.

Well, scores are four points all.

Moving on to another government measure.

What is going to be banned by next summer?

Oasis.

Rent increases?

Are you closer?

Just being evicted for just no reason.

Yes, no fault evictions.

Some fault evictions will still be allowed in certain circumstances, such as when you've just lost a general election, for example.

So, I mean, it's this, because it's obviously housing is a big issue.

I'll illustrate that now.

Who here likes living somewhere?

Spot the GP again.

That's why it's such a big issue, I guess, Coco.

People like to people do love living in a house.

Yeah, that is true.

That is true.

So, this is about the end of section 21.

That was a standard clause in rental agreements that essentially said that you could terminate terminate a tenancy through no fault.

This meant that tenants were scared to say anything to their landlords in case they, you know, did this, use this clause.

And so this has been on the books for a while.

It looked like it was going to happen in the last government, but then they got cold feet.

They were lobbied quite hard from the landlords' groups.

And now it looks like it is going to pass.

It's not a perfect solution, but it is here now, and that's that's something.

I think, yeah, I will take something.

I rent in a city, I live with eight other people, I live in the loft, and they don't know that.

Let's move on to

another issue in the government's intro.

I spent much of the week since we last spoke on the news quiz at the Oval watching England lose to Sri Lanka in under three and a half days.

Honestly, what is the point of a sporting event that takes less than half a week?

I will never understand.

Listening to my fellow Testmatch special commentators say things like, they really shouldn't have got out like that, they just weren't in long enough.

I can see why they're doing it, but I still think it's a risky approach.

But what else might people have been saying that about this week?

This week's tortured cricket men

has been applied to the early release of prisoners.

Correct.

Well done.

Another thing that was forced upon Keir Starmer.

And yeah, so he has no room in jail, especially with the massive upsurge of Facebook felony over the summer.

And consequently, they're all out and popping champagne corks or possibly on closer inspection Carver and Prosecco I hope

yes some fairly infuriating scenes and if you happen to be one of the people who was on the wrong end of the GBH that the bloke got out

about five years early for and so on possibly not that amusing but we'll see whether it works who knows Prison.

Prison is there for four main reasons apparently.

It's there for retribution.

Of course the people in Iceland feel that some sort of justice has been done.

It's there supposed to be as a deterrent.

There's supposed to be a degree of rehabilitation and also it just keeps people off the street where they can't offend again.

And the first three of those have all proven not to work.

The first three of those are all just myth.

And the only thing that actually works is keeping them off the street, and that's the one they haven't done.

So

it's probably time to convert the prisons to high-end flats and

let the rent control take over.

Some people were in for soft reasons, I think, in the first part.

I have a guy on my road over the summer who got arrested for thought crime.

Yes, thought was, I've been killing a lot of hitchhikers recently.

It was a bloke who was arrested for living in somebody else's loft.

At the end of that round, Simon and Glenn have six.

Coco and Rhea have four.

Let's move across the Atlantic.

Coco and Rhea, you can take this question.

67 million people in the USA tuned in to watch the first and possibly only episode of What 2024 Reality TV show this week?

Kim Kardashian's Book Club.

It might have been better, but not any fully clothed attraction.

That's a weird thing to do, isn't it?

Shoes, jeans, shirt, I like them.

Well, then you go for a naked date.

This has to be the first and possibly last debate between Trump and Harris.

Did you enjoy it?

I slept through most of it because because it was on at 2 a.m., but I did wake up to the highlights.

Right.

And what were your personal highlights of that?

I'll be honest, my personal highlight was how uncomfortably long Trump insisted that Harris hated Jews.

She doesn't like Jews, she hates Jews, she hates Israel, she hates them all, Jews, she hates the Jews.

She's married to one.

What did you make of it, Scott?

When you compare it with, say, our similar debates over here, which are a bit pallid by comparison, something.

Well, I think if we want to know who won, I think it was the moderators.

The moderators actually did a good job this time.

The last election, I'm sure I'm not the only one who thought, What are these people saying?

And it would, you know, they wouldn't adhere to their 60 seconds answers.

So I think that was a really good example of the role of the moderator.

Even if there is moderation, they still managed to get the lie out in the first place, though, and people still hear it.

And Trump was still repeating insane stuff like, old Democrats believe that you should be able to terminate a baby after it's born and stuff like that.

And stuff that is nonsense.

But actually, I looked it up.

Ted Bundy was more than 2,000 weeks old when he was terminated.

Keir Starmer thinks you should be allowed to terminate them well into the seventh decade.

So are they there?

As you say, bizarre things were said in

the debate.

At one point, Trump said now she wants to do transgender operations on illegal aliens in prison.

And, I don't know, 60,000 people around America just shouted, bingo, at the same time.

That was one.

Trump accused her of that, and that was fact-checked by ABC and found to be false, and it's actually true, and it's been,

maybe not in jail, but that they should be illegal aliens who have not been given citizenship, would be allowed to get transgender surgery on the state, was something that Kamala Harris was definitely after.

And I will also say could provide an excellent deterrent to illegal aliens crossing that border if they thought that they may be ending up, you know, trans

before they had realised what was going on, because it can be a whirlwind before you've adapted to the culture.

So I think that

that could actually go against him ultimately, but that was found to be true.

Sorry, Simon, your microphone's been off for the last 30 seconds.

During the debate, Kamala Harris revealed that she owns what?

A soul.

Two dogs.

Well, she used to, but then someone

She owns a gun.

Yes.

So does Tim.

Tim Waltz also owns a gun.

So apparently that's proof that they're not going to take them away from crazy people, which I don't follow the logic from A to B.

I'm like, you could still do it.

She didn't feel that she felt that it was politically advantageous to say this, but not to admit, you know, owning something irresponsible and wild, widely illegal, like unpasteurized cheese.

If it ever comes out that she's ferreting away a slowly mouldering weapons-grade camembert in her fridge, that could be election over, I think.

I mean, usually it's a sign that a debate is going really badly if at some point you have to blurt out, I have a gun.

I mean, the issue with the allegation that immigrants have been eating cats in Springfield, Ohio, which

I mean, that's, I don't know if you, how often you have to say the same lie before it becomes a fact in American politics.

It's definitely a lower count than other countries.

But I mean who is Trump trying to appeal to?

Well I will just say again and having lost you again over and over again on the trans thing and everything else but I have watched the clips of people in their various town hall meetings in Springfield making those accusations.

But as the moderator said there's no evidence of it.

Hey?

The moderators said at the time when Trump repeated this

claim

that

they've done some research, they've reached out to various people in policing and in the State Departments in this area, Springfield, Ohio, was it?

And there's no evidence of it.

There's no meaningful reports.

There's no, so really we're talking about conjecture and people saying, I think they maybe ate my cat, right?

It's such a weird excuse to give for your pet going missing.

When I was a kid, I had a goldfish.

My parents replaced it without me knowing, but then I immediately noticed it was a different goldfish.

And I said, what happened to the old goldfish?

And they went on immigrant ate it.

And so, like,

if it helps, actually,

I actually reached out to a few Republicans just to clarify what you can and can't do with your dogs and cats and pets and animals in general because it is a little confusing right now.

And so here's a list of things that the Republicans told me that they do with their pets, just so that if there are any immigrants listening, you can understand where the line is.

So you can kick your dog.

You can shoot your dog.

You can shoot your goat.

You can strap your dog to the roof of your car in a windshield-equipped carrier for 12-hour drive in which the dog gets diarrhea.

All of that's fine.

You can cut off a whale's head, strap it to your car, and drive home with it.

That's also okay.

You can also hit and kill a six-month-old bear cub and then leave it in Central Park because you left it too late to eat it.

I've done eight out of those ten things.

Do I win anything?

And just as a point of information, Robert F.

Kennedy Jr., who did the bear thing you're talking about, was a Democrat at that point.

But Mitt Romney, when he strapped his dog to the roof of his car, was not.

And neither was Christy Noam when she shot her dog and her goat.

And neither was Brandon Phillips, a GOP operative that kicked actually someone else's dog.

So, yeah, fine.

Okay, I'll drop the bear in the whale's head.

Does that make sense?

Also, Harris, Kamala Harris, quoted Donald Trump saying that windmills cause cancer.

Again, I don't know the medical evidence for this reel.

Was that part of your doctorate on whether windmills...

Oh, yeah, yeah.

There is evidence for that.

Trump saw it on TV.

Okay, well, there can be.

Well, I did some research in terms of where's got the most windmills, and it's Holland, and I looked into whether Holland has a specific cancer, and it's called Gert Wilders.

See,

my evidence for this is that my great-great-uncle Trevis never saw a windmill in his life and didn't die of cancer.

I mean, admittedly, he died at the age of 36, trying on a new pair of crocodile shoes way, way, way before they were ready.

So

it's all the pre-finine in American politics.

The old saying goes, join the non-existent dots and you shall see whatever you have drawn.

I think one of the best reasons to hope that Kamala does make it is just because, you know, one of their first state visits is usually to the UK.

And if Trump comes over in the winter,

Keir's not doing nothing for him.

He could.

You know what I mean?

He could put him near a window.

He's screwed.

Let's move on to, well, some endorsements for the candidates.

Whose latest number one is Carmela Harris?

Taylor Swift.

That is correct.

One point to our audience there.

Close the gap of 50 at the back of the room.

I think it makes sense.

If you've got celebrity connections, they now need to get Taylor Swift into the campaign as much as possible.

You need to hype up the celebs in your life and stuff like that.

You need to name drop.

People do what I name-drop all the time.

I live in a vaguely celebrity area.

I talk about it all the time.

So,

in terms of who used to live on my road, you know, David Tennant.

So, the guy he played, Dennis Nelson.

Is this going to make any difference?

Do you think Swift declairing for Harris?

I mean, I'm sure it will add momentum to the campaign and obviously it's going to generate headlines, which is, you know, helpful.

But Swift's fan base tends to be female, tends to be younger.

If those demographically, Harris is already quite strong in those areas.

What she needs is men, and she needs younger men, so she needs whoever is influential with younger men.

I genuinely don't know who that is.

Andrew Tate.

She needs to eat Andrew Tate's.

Yeah.

Isn't there a nice one?

In terms of men, it goes Obama then human trafficker in Romania.

That's where it goes.

But it seems late to endorse and also it seems strange that there are people who still haven't made their minds up is what I find really, really...

weird about this.

And there are people, I saw a video last week in which we were asking people who are going to vote for.

They asked this man, are you going to vote for Kamala Harris?

He said, I don't know who that is.

And they said, no, Mr.

President, you do.

Yeah, Taylor Swift posed for a photograph with one of America's few remaining uneaten cats.

Trump warned Taylor Swift that she would pay a terrible price.

I'm not sure she's too worried about that, given that 4.3 million people just paid Taylor Swift a terrible price for her tickets.

Didn't Elon Musk say after, okay, I'll give you a child, as if to say, oh, would that stop you from voting for Kamala?

But what a horrible...

Yes.

What a weird pickup line.

I thought he was marketing his latest product, which is an electric child.

Yes, this was indeed the presidential debate between Donald Trump, the undisputed Da Vinci of division, the Caravaggio of cantankerousness, the Vincent van Gogh of viciously vituperative goading, the Pablo Picasso of provocative peeve, the Elon Schiller of egotistical showboating, the, will this ever end, the Tony Hart of trash-talking hate-mongering.

You can't go anywhere after Hart.

Against Carmela Harris, who's now marginally ahead in the polls.

Carmela Harris was endorsed by Taylor Swift.

He'd previously be endorsed by another pop star, Charlie XCX.

Have I pronounced that right?

Is it Charlie XCX?

Not Charlie 9010.

And just some breaking news reaching us.

Well, casting agents are already starting looking for the future stars of the remake of the forthcoming Harry Potter remake.

They will be starting production of the remake of the remake in about 10 to 15 years at the current rate of remake interval.

Couples are being encouraged to send in an egg cell and a sperm cell for screen testing, and the lucky embryos will be fertilized next March.

So do send in your produce to One Wood Lane.

Well, that concludes the news with the final scores.

Coco and Rhea have nine, Simon and Glenn have eight, and the audience have one.

Well played.

Thank you for listening to the newspaper.

I've been Andy Zaltzman.

Goodbye.

Taking part in the newspaper were Rhea Lena, Simon Evans, Glenn Moore, and Coco Kahn.

In the chair was me, Andy Zaltzman, and additional material was written by Christina Riggs, Mike Shepard, Rebecca Bain, Samantha Lydon, and Teresa Burns.

The producer was Sam Holmes, and it was a BBC Studios audio production for, wait for it, Radio 4.

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