505: Fury to Freedom

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I could not stop laughing when he says the food is really bad or whatever he says.

And she's like, What do you think I am?

A magician?

What does that have to do with this?

Do they make good food?

I mean, did you mean chef?

What?

Eli's a magician.

He's a fucking vegan.

Where are your mashed potatoes?

Check your wallet.

Okay.

I don't know how you did that, but now.

Potatoes in my wallet.

God awful

movie.

Movie.

Movies.

Welcome back to the Gamcast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian Cinema because we underestimated how soon we'd run out.

I'm your host, No Illusions, and sitting 700 miles to my immediate left is my good friend, Heath Enright.

Heath, welcome back.

Kia, karate,

all fired up this week.

This is why Eli couldn't be here.

We couldn't have, we can't have both of you all hyped up on karate on the same week.

So Eli is off this week to keep a fight from breaking out, but we are excited to welcome in a brand new guest masochist.

Kara Griffin is the director of online programming for Recovering from Religion and the host of the RFRX podcast every Monday evening at 7 p.m.

Central.

Kara, welcome to God Awful Movies.

Thank you.

Glad to be here.

And I believe it's Kung Fu, y'all.

Get it right.

This is serious.

Yes.

Oh, don't.

He said karate.

Apologies all around.

Oh, my God.

All our martial arts people.

That was embarrassing for me.

No, no, no, no.

It's kung fu.

Let's go.

Yes, yes.

I am currently cutting my guts out with a small sword for the infraction.

This is important to get right, y'all.

This is a serious film.

Yes.

So tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today?

We watched Fury to Freedom.

It's the story of the greatest kung fu master of all time,

Jesus Christ of Maxwell.

It's a Eucharistic control of the movie.

It's pretty great.

Well done, sir.

And Kara, how bad was this movie?

Well, I've seen worse, but not on purpose.

Yeah, that's what makes it so painful, right?

Because you know what you're getting into, but you get into it anyway.

Yeah.

I didn't quite know what I was getting into, but I didn't regret it.

Yeah,

well, that's true.

This is a fun bad.

So speaking of which, is there anything you want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at?

Oh, absolutely.

This has the best, worst kung fu leg swing, and it happens multiple times.

It's not a kick, mind you.

It's a swing.

You just wave your leg in the air, preferably over another person who is already falling to the ground.

And this somehow adds to your kung fu prowess.

Based on my knowledge of martial arts, that is how it works.

If you put your leg above something, you win the leg moment or something.

Yeah.

If you remember joust from the early 80s, maybe this is just me,

highest ostrich wins.

It's like that.

Oh, yeah.

Y'all must have taken Taekwondo or something.

Oh, Eli has a black belt.

We could lose.

Oh, it's such a shame that he's not here to show that off.

So, okay, so I'm going to go with best, worst, barbaric yaw.

All right.

So, this movie is called

Fury to Freedom.

And so, the hero of this movie is going to, this is his redemption story

in heavy air quotes there.

His redemption story.

But he has to start off at Fury and only get to Christianity slowly.

So, a couple of times he yells to indicate that fury, and they are my ringtone.

It's one yell if the right, if just if it's an unknown number, a different one if it's somebody I know.

It's like they got a Wilhelm scream on Timu because they couldn't afford the real Wilhelm scream.

And now there's like a big terrifying

price.

Paying a fortune for it right now.

It's the minimum shit.

It was rough.

All right.

I was going to go with best, best, Huffy exit.

Yes.

So it happens early, and our main character gets mad at mad at his dad.

And he's like, gaw.

And he walks out and then he pauses for a second and he's like, kick a chair.

And then he runs out.

It's the best.

Well, and it's obviously the actor set up because he's kicking it kind of towards this four-year-old kid, right?

So he's like, obviously, like angling it so that it doesn't hit the kid.

But what it plays as in the movie is just him going, you know what?

I'm not ready to walk away yet.

I know Kung Fu.

All right, well, I'll tell you what, this movie needs a minute to thaw out.

So we're going to take a quick break.

But when we come back, we'll dive into all the irredeemable redemption that is

fury to freedom.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

Hey, Noah, while we have a break, would you mind signing this get well soon card for Eli?

Oh, of course, man.

Is he sick?

Well, you know how he's off this week because he ate so many spiders that his nipples fell off, and now he has to convince a witch to reattach him with magic.

What?

I thought he was off because he was taking care of his special needs child while Anna was out of town.

No, no, it's the thing I said.

Do you know what he says when I'm off every single time?

Well, yeah, I can't say it during an ad, though.

Exactly, exactly.

So I say he's getting his nipples reattached by a witch because he ate too many spiders.

That's happening.

Wow, Heath.

It sounds like you're really motivating yourself with revenge instead of positivity.

Well, that just seems like a self-destructive behavior.

Have you considered talking about that with a therapist?

What?

No.

Well, when people hesitate to get help it doesn't just affect them it impacts families workplaces and entire communities yeah but like but but spider nibbles well i agree that those are funny words to put together but therapy is great for helping to learn positive coping skills and how to set boundaries it it empowers you to be the best version of yourself and if you're thinking of starting therapy you should consider better help they have over 10 years of experience matching people with the right therapists from their diverse network of over 30 000 licensed therapists with a wide range of specialties That sounds great, but I don't think I can afford it.

Well, because BetterHelp is entirely online, they can make it more affordable and more convenient, and you can easily switch therapists at any time with no extra cost.

All right, Noah, I'm sold.

How do I sign up?

We're all better with help, so visit betterhelp.com/slash awful today to get 10% off your first month.

That's betterhelp, h-e-l-p.com/slash/awful.

All right, thanks, Noah.

Now, I'm sorry, were you saying that he ate spidered nipples?

I guess I did imply that, yeah.

Because spiders don't have nipples.

I got, do they not?

I got carried away.

I got carried away.

They don't?

All right, everyone.

Welcome to the first Writer's Room meeting for Fury to Freedom.

This is the story of real-life kung fu badass turned preacher to troubled youth, Raul Reese.

So Raul's here, actually, with us today, and he's going to answer some questions that you might have about his story.

What's up?

Great.

So, Raul.

Raul.

Oh,

exactly what I just said.

So Raul, can you tell us how you became a Christian?

Sure, sure.

So one day when I was in high school, I was coming out of my kung fu class to kung fu.

Like five guys, they jumped me right after the class.

So I was like,

bow.

And I kicked all their asses so hard.

My buddy was there and he was like, Raul, help me.

So I kicked a little more ass to help him out.

And then I got this one guy in a thumb lock and he was like, oh, please don't hurt me anymore.

And I was like, no.

I'm sorry.

Are you sure this is the story of how you found Jesus?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because then I met the love of my life, Sharon, and she invited me to church.

Oh, so going to church with Sharon is what turned it around for you?

No, no, I told her, I told her no about going to church.

Oh.

But she kept begging.

So eventually I said yes.

Oh, and then you found Jesus.

Nah, nah, I fell asleep at church.

Church is like mad boring.

Okay.

So what happened to Sharon?

Oh, I knocked her up.

So we had to get married.

Oh, and so when you realized you were going to be responsible for another human life.

I got really pissed at that point.

And eventually I punched her and threatened to kill her.

Oh my God.

But one of the times I threatened to kill her.

One of the times?

Yeah.

One of the times I realized realized I was using the exact words my father used when he would hit my mom.

And I realized like, like what I'd become.

Okay, so then you turned your life over to Christ, please.

No.

God damn it.

Nope.

Nope.

I went out and hooked up with my side piece, Tiffany.

Tiffany with an eye at the end.

Her gonorrhea was in remission.

More or less doesn't really matter.

So I rented us 17 minutes at the Brown Sheet Motel.

Pretty sweet.

But when I called Sharon to check in right before that date with Tiffany, she was nowhere to be found.

Sharon didn't pick up.

Ah, so then upon realizing you were on the verge of losing your family.

Yeah, I went home and I got a shotgun to murder Sharon and my children.

For fuck's sake.

But then, but let me finish.

Let me finish.

So just as I was envisioning the beautiful pink mist I was going to turn my family into,

the guy on TV said Jesus died for my sins.

And I was like, no way, my sins?

So, yeah, I became a Christian.

So inspiring.

Is it?

He's violent enough for me to say so.

Yes.

Good point.

Hey, hey, hey, so you're going to put in the movie, like, how many hot ladies are always throwing themselves at me, right?

That's going to be the movie.

Whatever you say, man.

Nice.

I can kick really high, too.

Oh, good.

You think he'll play Iron Man?

I think they're going to try.

You guys.

You guys.

Hey, Eli, what are you doing here?

Yeah, I thought you were off this week.

I am, but I wanted to make sure you told everybody about Matreon.

Oh, that's right.

The time of year where we beg everybody for money extra hard.

Yeah, but it's not just that.

We also have all sorts of goals for new and upgrading members.

We do?

What are we having to do to ourselves this year?

Well, actually, this year we're doing nice nice stuff.

Wait, our goals are nice things?

Yeah, a bunch of people who increased and started their pledges last year said they didn't want punishments for Matreon anymore.

So, aside from stuff like a song and a magic trick and flare juggling at our patron-only pajama party, as usual, as usual, we'll also be doing a Heath Enright Secular Tacular here on Gam, and we'll even send Noah and Lucinda on a cruise in Alaska.

Oh, well, that sounds pretty great, right?

So many 80s movies.

Well, I meant the

Oh, yeah, that too.

Anyways, people can pledge or increase their pledge to any of our shows on Patreon, and they can go to Matreon.com to follow along with any of our goals and prizes.

All right, Eli, thanks.

Hey, aren't you watching Mac Solo this week?

Yeah, yeah, Solo Daddy Week.

You heading back?

Give me a second.

Okay, sure.

So Heath, what movies are you going to do?

Go watch your toddler.

I'm going.

I'm going.

And we're back for the breakdown, and we're going to open up on a red sports car, just hauling ass through a town in the middle of the night.

Yeah.

It's a pretty sweet sports car.

Gorgeous.

It's absolutely gorgeous.

It's actually a 1984 Fiat Pininfarina Azura that's speeding through the city right here.

Okay.

And I know that because of Google Lens.

It was like, do you want to know exactly what that fucking is?

And I was like, I do.

Oh, think of the emissions in that fucking car.

Yeah.

So, but our hero drives through town fast.

Oh, a hero.

Our main character drives drives through town really quickly.

And then we get like he's bursting out of his car and then going into a house.

And this is shown in like

first-person shooter camera perspective.

Brett, we can't actually see who this is.

We don't know whose eyes we're looking through, but we know this house is very scary for some reason.

It doesn't actually look scary.

I don't know if it's like the faux vinyl countertops that we're supposed to be horrified by.

Those were scary.

That's pretty scary.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All of the orange and brown.

Yeah.

They went with the Blair Witch thing, but just for a second, because they started doing it, and then somebody's like, hey, we should probably show the main character soon, right?

Like, we're going to do that in the movie.

And they were like, yeah, oh, yeah, yeah.

All right.

All right.

And then they just like slowly edge it towards, okay, he's a little bit in the frame, his arms in the frame.

And then the rest of the

little bit at a time.

It's third person.

He's like jaws, right?

Like we see him a little bit and then we see a little bit more.

But yeah, but he gets a shot.

As I'm writing, is this movie in FPS?

He gets a shotgun.

And I'm like, it is.

He loads his shotgun.

And then we get my best worst.

I think this is the fastest we've ever gotten to my best worst, which is his silly echo scream that he does here.

And, you know, I'm going to be honest, I didn't realize on my first watch of this movie.

Yes, I watched that scene twice.

Nice.

That was him screaming.

I was trying to figure out if I had missed something.

You know, was there somebody else in this scene that was screaming?

No, it was, I guess, him.

We don't know why.

It was confusing.

Like, I thought they were about to pan over and show, like, Raiden doing a flying torpedo in Mortal Kombat.

And I would have been like, oh, okay, cool.

Yeah, but now it makes sense.

Yeah.

Yeah, that would track.

So here I'm going to really depress you, Carrie.

You've actually watched this scene four times because we get this one twice per movie.

Per watching.

Oh, shoot.

You're right.

Yeah, I did watch that four times.

That was a mistake in retrospect.

Yeah, no, it really is.

I'll never forget that.

So then we get our opening titles.

It says Fury to Freedom.

So I guess that barbaric job, that was the Fury, right?

And this is where we're going to properly meet.

We're actually going to go back in time.

We'll catch up back up with that scene many moons from now.

But now we're going to meet Raul.

Now, his name is not Raul.

It is Raul.

Right.

For some reason, we never get an explanation of this, but he corrects several people people when they try to say something like Raul.

It's Raul.

Yep, yep.

It's jarring, y'all.

You will mispronounce my name, damn it.

I think he has Mexican ancestry in real life.

So it probably is Raul, according to like his parents.

You would think that it would be Raul.

Yeah, but no, I could never decide through this movie if this guy was the poor man's Scott Bayo or the poor man's Ralph Macchio.

Right, but he was one of them.

Oh, I was getting like discount Sylvester Stallone at the beginning.

Oh, really?

yeah but okay maybe that was just some of the scenes with the the gray sweatpants and going to the push-ups and yeah he had big sly vibes for sure he looked like the samurai cop guy to me and i was like no oh really okay that movie's awesome so yeah so he he wakes up and he starts immediately doing push-ups

Yeah, we see like a pan over some trophies and a baseball glove and then he wakes up and just bangs out a bunch of push-ups as fast as he can.

And I was like, wow.

Okay, this is this is is a meme about a sad guy at his parents' house in his childhood bedroom right now, which is, I think it was described as like the equivalent of cutting off your bangs is being in your childhood bedroom and doing like 23 push-ups in sadness.

Wow.

Yeah.

And it's real frustrating too, because you're starting out watching this film looking at this person who is clearly in his late 30s,

thinking this is going to be about an adult.

And then it takes some time to catch up to the fact that he's supposed to be a child living in his parents' house.

I'm not really sure.

Yeah.

Yeah, we do find that out, but I was like, okay, it's very possible this grown man displays childhood trophies in his grown-up house for sure.

Yes, that's where I thought we were Raul with this.

The real Raul?

Yes.

Yeah.

He's also like 55 years old, the actor in real life.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

I don't know how old exactly, but he looks ridiculously old and he's playing a high school kid oh yeah yeah no no no sorry so yeah that's the thing that messes me like at the beginning of this movie i had written down he comes down to kiss his wife right that that character is supposed to be his mom that makes more visual sense than what we look at yeah it really does i thought those were his kids right that's what i thought i'm like i i had him down as his two daughters his son and his daughter and no they're not they're supposed to be his sister and his brother But yeah, but he comes downstairs after he does his push-ups, I guess.

He's already rocking his leather jacket.

That's how badass he is.

By the time he comes down for breakfast, he's already wearing a leather jacket.

It's really cold in this house.

Apparently, they didn't pay the heat.

And yeah, right.

No, I get it.

Sometimes I need to go into a controlled slide while I'm having eggs.

You don't know.

I eat eggs hard.

Yeah.

They sliced sliced alone.

It's all coming full circle.

So, yeah, so, but he goes to kiss his mom, and she winces because her abusive husband has bruised her arm.

Yeah, this is the other part where I was really lost for a few minutes there because you think he's her husband at first.

Right.

And then you realize, okay, he's calling her mom.

He's worried about her safety.

And it pans over and you see this thoroughly unscary, allegedly allegedly abusive husband who's like suffering from either COPD or some kind of hangover-induced seizure disorder in the lazy boy.

And he's just enraged that this situation has befallen him.

Like, he's towering over everyone in this scene.

I'm not sure where the danger is for Sylvester.

It feels like you're not going to need kung fu to deal with this guy.

Yes.

I don't think you are.

I mean, that leg swing is going to make it look a lot cooler, but I don't think it's necessary.

He's pretty tall.

It'd be hard to go over top of this guy, this abusive dad.

So, yeah, but Raul hates dad, and he hates mom for being abused.

That was a bit of a shuddering moment, but he hates everything.

He just goes over to the dad in the chair and kicks his leg over.

Ha ha!

All right.

Yeah.

I think I win or something.

This would be a real short movie.

Right?

Yeah.

But Raul motorcycles away, not before popping his collar, okay?

But he motorcycles away.

Now we have to meet Sharon.

She is our 36-year-old high school girl that will be the love interest for our 36-year-old high school boy, right?

Listen, she failed a few classes.

Math is hard.

Don't judge.

So we see her going to work, going to school rather with it.

She's walking to school with all her cheerleader friends, and they're all congratulating her on being the homecoming princess.

But who will she go to the dance with?

Yeah, hard to say.

Ral comes by on his motorcycle mother walking.

Think about how quickly we failed the Bechdel test right there, right?

Like, so

at this point,

there's not even a man introduced yet.

They're like, what will be the man introduced to this conversation?

And then Raul drives.

They fail that test at the speed of a motorcycle, very literally.

Yeah.

And Raul comes by.

He's all like.

broody and a big snit.

Somehow, like visually, that's true as he's going by on the motorcycle.

And Sharon's just like, sploosh, Broody.

Nice.

It's 1985.

Also, Sharon's apparently been going to this high school long enough to be the homecoming princess, which excuse me for not having gone to a school that did this.

I thought it was homecoming queen.

Is princess like the runner-up?

That's what I thought.

Yeah, right.

His daughter.

Like, that's how that's supposed to work, isn't it?

Like, is there an adult at this who won the queen?

How old is the homecoming queen at this school?

Yeah, she'd have to be in her late 50s, wouldn't she?

Does your mom have to show up at the thing now and get like a tiara?

It feels like a bad situation.

It's getting worse and worse.

Oh, you think about it.

Yeah.

Yeah, but right, but she's gone to the school long enough to be that, but hasn't met the broody guy on the motorcycle with the leather jacket.

Right.

Why do they have to introduce her to this guy?

Like, he seems to be making a spectacle of himself in every scene.

How has she not met him?

This is never explained.

And we have to have like three meeting him scenes or almost meeting him scenes, right?

Because then we get her at the locker and he comes by, he walks by

in the hall with his friends all talking about fucking wrist control or whatever.

The script clearly just said like mumble, mumble, karate, kung fu words.

So they do that as best they can.

Kung Fu, not karate.

And at one point, somebody's like, you mean karate?

And he's like, no, kung fu, like street fighting, read a

fucking martial arts class book.

I don't know.

Right.

Yeah, right.

Right.

But apparently this talk about the distinction between karate and kung fu really does it for Sharon, right?

Because the guy wrote this movie.

Yes, this is this is what women like, clearly.

Well, I mean, if it's like, women will be throwing themselves at this character throughout the entire movie.

So clearly.

We, no one knows why, but it's happening for some reason.

It says it in the script.

Yeah, that's why.

That's the reason.

Yep.

Because I'm financing this movie.

So, but now we have to to learn what a badass he is, right?

So he goes into the locker room, and there's this guy who's much bigger than him, hogging the one little tiny mirror in the, in the locker room to comb his hair over and over again.

Again, no explanation for why this is happening in a high school bathroom.

Yeah, why would the high school bathroom only have one tiny little mirror?

Go fuck yourself.

One mirror in this locker room for everyone.

Yeah, I bet that's how it goes.

I mean, don't, don't we all remember getting in fights in the locker room over who could look in the one mirror?

The mirror.

Having flashbacks.

A lot of wielded combs.

Yeah.

Yeah, right.

No, that's right.

Well, that's why those switchblade combs got so big in the 80s.

Yeah.

I'm pretty sure the people who wrote this script were homeschooled or something.

That's the only explanation for these scenes.

Oh, there you go.

They're like, yeah.

Right.

What do people get into fights about?

Mirrors.

I don't know.

Were you looking at a mirror when I asked you that question?

Oh, shut up, man.

Should we put a litter box in the corner?

I heard that

Libs of TikTok.

So he starts talking shit to the guy who's hogging the mirror, and that guy grabs him by the leather jacket.

Big mistake, right?

So we get the second of the barbaric yawps, right?

But not the

best.

Nope, nope, we'll hear it again.

Guys, I wrote my notes here.

If I had super strength, but I had to scream like that to turn it on, I would not use it.

I think that's a good call, but then you wouldn't get to be the star of a movie such as this.

Yeah, right.

No, I wouldn't be able to do those sweet fucking elbow punches to the sternum.

What is he even trying to do?

But anyway, so he beats up the big guy, right?

Him and his buddy run away.

Then we get him in biology class, I fucking Sharon.

Right.

When he's summoned to the principal's office and we get the, you know, the classic, ooh.

That was fun.

That was fun.

I missed that.

Everything.

Ooh.

You walk out and everybody's just like, you feel notorious for just a minute.

Yeah, that felt good.

But so, okay, so, but now we have to see him at the principal's office, right?

He's a menace to society.

He gets in fights all the time, apparently.

Apparently.

And the punishment is that he's suspended for two days, which was always weird to me in school that, like, that was your punishment.

It's like you didn't have to come to school for a couple of days.

No sense.

Oh, no.

No.

I never understood that.

Considering this guy barely goes to class anyway,

how is this a punishment?

They're just, I guess, maybe they're just making it safer for everyone else, but not really because now he's just going to be released onto the rest of society.

There's really no upside.

And he's going to use that time to learn kung fu.

Right, which you can do in two days, it turns out.

That's all it takes.

One quick montage is all it takes.

Yeah.

So, okay, so when he was talking with his buddies about kung fu, one of his friends gave him a card of a kung fu teacher in town.

So he looks at that card now.

Now, at some point, this conversation literally happened in the making of this movie.

Hey, guys, should we make a prop card or just use this gentleman's actual business card in the film?

And they were like, hey, man, a business card is like a 16-cent prop, and that's 16 cents a blow.

We would not be snorting if we did that.

So they literally.

Plus, we got to buy the Wilhelm screen on T-Me, and there's like a bunch of terrorists now.

Yeah.

So they use the actual business card, and it's fucking great.

First of all, it says he's a SAG member.

Oh, the fucking car.

It's so silly.

So the guy's name is Gerald Okamura.

It says man of many weapons, martial arts expert, and then screen actors can do it.

Yes.

Now, luckily for Gerald, though, they did put a thumb over top of the actual guy's phone number because you know it's his fucking home number there.

But so he walks into the kung fu place, which the fucking soundtrack celebrates with a gong, by the way, when it comes to the cultural sensitivity that you can come to expect out of this film.

I think we just set the tone right there.

Very high-quality filmmaking, culturally sensitive.

We're going to be able to learn new things watching this film, I guarantee you.

Yeah, it was already going to be going really badly because we're going to watch 1985 Americans doing, quote, kung fu, what they believed to be kung fu.

And then they were like, we're doing a gong too, right?

Kong.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, obviously, obviously gong.

And then, so he walks it to this dojo or whatever, and there's a ninja beating up a guy when he comes in, right?

Doing the like silly demonstration fight stuff.

Yeah, in a mask.

Like, why?

Why would you have a mask on for your, why would you have a ninja outfit in the dojo?

This is just practice.

Right.

Also, that's a different martial art.

I just want to throw that out there.

I thought this was kung fu.

I don't know what we're doing anymore, y'all.

Well, also, look, I want to see the moment right before that where they're like, oh, there's a guy coming.

Get on the mat.

Get on the mat.

I'm going to be, I'm going to go to put on a ninja mask.

It's going to look awesome.

Right?

Or we have to believe that that's just what they do, right?

They're just on an endless fucking loop of doing that demonstration shit

until somebody walks.

There's also a great bit.

Raul tries to step up to introduce himself or whatever, and Gerald is furious.

He says, get off the mat.

And I'm like, dude, it's a customer.

I mean, let's calm down.

Right.

He doesn't know the rules here.

He just walked in.

You're wearing a mask doing God knows what in this facility that we call a studio for this entire movie.

Nobody knows what's going on here, sir.

You cannot blame him for that.

Yeah.

Right, right, exactly.

You can put up a sign if it's that important to you.

Right.

They're going for that like, you know, martial arts master thing where you ask to learn and they have to like say no, right?

And then you have to like persevere.

But they don't they don't do any of that.

It was just like, get out of here.

And he's like, no, sorry, can I, I want to learn the karate stuff.

And he's like, yeah, okay.

And then

at first it's like, kung fu.

But

then, yeah.

But then he's like, yes, no, I guess that is my job.

So then we get the kung fu lesson.

And I think all of us at least considered best worst kung fu lesson.

Oh, yes.

Right.

Because it's like a 90-second montage or so that we get.

And at the end of it, he's a master of kung fu.

This was so much fun.

Yes.

He's been to this place one time and just progressively that kung fu leg swing just gets higher and higher and higher.

He doesn't have to like gain flexibility over time or anything like that.

He's just a genius at this instantly.

It's incredible.

Yeah.

It's just about the sweepover, higher, higher, higher.

Like, I feel like I could win a fight against any of these people just by like holding a shiny object really high and they like points.

Oh, shit.

Yeah, they can't go over that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They'd have to be very tall.

Yeah.

Just your tallness by itself gives you such an advantage against this fighting style.

Yeah.

Well, so I guess we're supposed to believe that this is happening over a long period of time.

I guess.

Wasn't it a two-day suspension?

I'm so confused.

That's how he spent his time well he goes Sundays he goes on Sundays we'll find out yeah eventually I like that the lesson starts with just okay do anything you know come at me and then grab your foot and trip you and then come at me again grab your foot trip you

it happens so many times in a row it was the world's first corner trap it's the best yeah exactly exactly we just watch a really long corner trap sequence it's the best and then we get the the kicking higher and higher one where you feel like because again, it doesn't give you any sense of time going by, where you feel like Gerald should have been like, ah, shit, I should have started with my hand way up here.

You can kick very high.

What are we fucking around down here?

It's like the movie was like, hey, no corner traps movie, me, fuck.

And they move on eventually.

Yeah, I wrote montages have come a long way since then.

And then we got to Raul running into Officer John out on the street.

That's how I refer to all of my friendly local police officers.

Yeah.

My officer first name.

Officer first name.

Like, do you know me?

How do we know this guy?

What is happening?

Yeah, well, Officer John apparently knows who he keeps his ear to the fucking ground because he's like, I hear you were in a big rumble the other day.

A rumble.

It's a weird grapevine that's not really helping with anything because apparently the cop didn't like stop that from happening.

Right.

Do any consequence type stuff.

Right.

Do they have an officer that works in the school or not?

What is this?

Yeah.

It's unclear.

Yeah.

And if not, why are you listening to high school fucking gossip, Officer John?

You're creeping me the fuck out.

Yeah, I've got questions about Officer John's motives.

Yeah.

Well,

unless he's had a different fight that we're not aware of, too.

Officer John asking about his big rumble kind of works against the idea that a lot of time went by during that montage, right?

I'm telling y'all, he was in there for like one day.

I think you're right.

I think you're right.

two at most just a quick little thing with the sharks and the jets in between kung fu lessons

we'll get there so but officer john's like hey you should join the marines and he's like and he's like the marines this is act one no

right

So then, okay, so then we cut to the house.

And there are a couple of abuse scenes in this movie that are really uncomfortable to watch, especially because no one ever gets any comeuppance.

They just get forgiven.

Yes, everyone, every single person gets forgiven in this.

That's apparently the thing that you do to stop domestic violence.

Just forgive them.

They'll stop.

And they'll change eventually.

Yes.

Jesus Christ.

It's such a damaging message.

But the first of these is the scene that we get right here, right, where they're having this very cliche, why isn't dinner better

fight where the dad's yelling at her and eventually hits her.

Yeah, okay, I got lost in this dialogue as well.

I mean, granted, I'm lost throughout this entire movie and I find it hilarious, but I could not stop laughing when he says the food is really bad or whatever he says.

And she's like, What do you think I am?

A magician?

What does that have to do with this?

Do they make good food?

I mean, did you mean chef?

What?

Eli's a magician.

He's a fucking vegan.

Where are your mashed potatoes?

Check your wallet.

Okay.

I don't know how you did that, but but now I have these potatoes in my wallet,

and I'm an angry, abusive husband, so that just made it worse, probably.

Yeah,

so but but they, but Raul gets up and he yells at dad, and dad pushes him down.

He says, If you touch me again, I'll kill you.

And then dad touches him again and he doesn't kill him.

And I'm like, What's the point of even taking the classes then, man?

Right, Jesus.

I thought he was a kung fu master at this point in time.

He's been training for this for the last at least two days.

Well, at most two days, but yes,

Yeah.

Use your violence for the forces of good, damn it.

Yeah.

Unfortunately, abusive dad doesn't come at him like this, so he didn't know what to do.

Oh, you're right.

There was no opportunity with the table there.

He couldn't do the layout.

He could have delayed, right?

You couldn't go over the head or under.

Yeah, he couldn't do this move, couldn't

corner trap.

There was nothing else he could do.

He was stuck.

So dad sends him to his room.

He goes to his room.

Oh, this is where we get Heath's best works.

Yeah.

Right.

Yeah.

He gets, he gets pushed by dad and he's like,

I've only got two days of kung fu.

I'm still, I'm still losing to this guy.

And his dad's like, get out.

And he's like, fine, I will.

I wanted to leave.

I wanted to go to my room.

Yeah.

Long pause.

Kick the chair.

Run.

He does it so flouncy too, because he like doesn't put his body towards the chair.

He just does like a quick leg, goes out and runs.

It's the best.

Yeah, so he goes to his room.

He punches his heavy bag, but only once.

And then he tries.

This is the first of several times that he tries to act.

Oh, this was amazing.

Right?

This was the first time he started trying.

Yeah.

It's so good.

He has to, he's supposed to be like stewing in his room and, you know, sad about, obviously, abusive dad.

And he, he starts trying to act the crying, but like with words.

You know how you like cry with a little bit of words.

Yeah, yeah.

But then he realizes he's got nothing and he just stops.

Stops And they show us like 10 more seconds of him being like, I don't.

I don't have it.

I don't have it.

Just cut.

Just cut it.

This is the best it's going to get.

And that was the best cut that they had of that scene.

They had to use that one.

Right.

The rest were worse.

Somebody passed me a chair.

And just to make it a little bit better, my experience of this movie, because I watched it on YouTube with a lot of ad breaks, was he's in the middle of trying to cry, try to cry, try to cry.

And then all of a sudden, the chakaroni is back.

So I just, sorry.

I know we don't talk about the ads, but man, that was great time.

Okay, so now it's time for our love interests to meet, right?

Raul's walking by, Sharon is sitting there with her friend Lori, who also knows Raul.

And she's going to grab him and like introduce the two, right?

First, we have to establish that he cheated on his math test.

Oh, yeah.

In a really weird, inefficient.

way that he can't remember doing.

Like, did he cheat or did he just fail the math test or both?

I don't know, but I'm not confident that that helped him.

I don't think the movie knows because they try to claim that he, like, cheated on a math test with arm answers.

Like,

just like numbers written on your arm.

He's got zero through nine written on his arm.

Right.

Did he just forget what numbers were and that reminded him?

Dude, the one subject where, like, that wouldn't really work.

You know, dates and names or whatever, but like, nope,

Do you get your fucking multiplication tables on there or something?

So, okay.

But eventually, when Lori, when it's clear to Lori that she's not getting any, she introduces Sharon to Raul.

Which, for some reason, really embarrasses Sharon, and it's not clear why, given this is like the third time she's met this guy.

Right, right, yeah.

So, but then, okay, we have this scene.

We have to make me hate this character maximum.

He's eventually going to hit his his wife.

I'll hate him more, but I already hated him plenty for this scene.

Him and his buddies go into this bathroom, and there's somebody in there smoking a joint.

And they're like, Yeah, officer, he's right through here.

And then the guy has to flush his joint down the toilet.

Fuck those assholes.

I bet, like, man, back in the 80s, it was probably really hard to get a fucking joint when you were in high school.

Right.

I know it was in the fucking 90s.

No, it's so mad.

I was so pissed.

I'm like, what a dick move.

And then they fall on the floor laughing.

I'm like, I hope y'all got gonorrhea after that, after rolling around in that.

It serves you right.

That was revolting in that moment.

I was like, you're a high school pet.

Touching the floor of a public bathroom in real life right now.

That's like the set somewhere that people are using as a bathroom.

You're right.

Jokes on them.

Yeah, right.

Right.

That's what they get.

So, okay.

So then after class, we cut to Sharon.

Like, she's going to make her move and ask Raul to ask her to the dance that she is the homecoming princess of.

That makes sense.

Yep.

Tracking completely.

Yeah, no, that's

there's a weird moment here where she's like, you know, my boyfriend doesn't go to the school.

He's from Canada.

You don't know him.

But

anyway, like, why?

Okay.

But he's like, yeah, no, I'll take you to the dance.

This is like a fourth-level failing of the Bechdel test.

Yeah.

Making up a guy to talk about to a guy.

Wow.

So, okay, so then we have the scene where she's getting ready for the dance with her mom, right?

And mom's like, I'm a little nervous, and I wrote my notes.

It's okay, mom.

She's 36.

Right.

I think she can take care of herself.

She'll be fine.

And her mom looks like she's about 80 also.

Yes, right.

Why?

I think, honestly,

that's what 45-year-olds looked like back then, too, though.

Oh, man.

But yeah, but mom's like, she's like, well, is this fella Christian?

And Sharon's like, well,

no.

And mom's like, well, I don't want you dating no Jews or nothing.

Like, what?

Right?

That's the implication, right?

She's like, oh, well, I don't know about this then.

Yeah.

At best, a slur about atheists.

Like, that's the least offensive version of what was happening.

Yes.

And we're really giving them a lot of grace, assuming that as well.

Right.

She's like, well, you know, you should be obedient to God.

And I'm like, By that, do you mean obedient to you personally, what you think and say?

And it turns out I was right.

Yes, that is precisely what she meant.

Yeah.

Don't you know she's God?

Obviously.

God speaks through her.

She goes, Come on, mom, he's just my escort.

And I'm like, wow, how the meaning of that word has changed in the last 40 years, right?

I wanted them to say date.

They kept saying escort.

Yeah.

Made it worse.

Again, I'm back to my hypothesis.

The people that wrote the script went to homeschool.

I'm not sure they've ever been to a school function in real life.

Escort?

Did?

I don't know.

So, okay.

So then we cut to the dance.

My cue in the notes for this was just dancing with an asterisk.

These guys, they look like if Heath was being forced to dance to get his family back.

Okay, this was very triggering.

Whenever this happens in a movie,

I get all tense watching dances.

I just like flash back to my middle school and high school memory, reminding myself out loud in my head, like, don't snap, don't clap, don't snap.

And I'm snapping.

Fuck.

Dancing did not go well for me.

oh no you know at least you tried i think that was better than what was happening here i i was watching this and running through my mind the whole time i was like oh is is it a purity ball no one is gonna be tempted sharon's mom doesn't have to worry this is not seductive dancing at all

fine everyone is safe no there is room for the holy ghost for sure

there is plenty of room yeah yeah

well and and this really i feel like this actually backs up the chara theory as well right because we see the high school dance and clearly the people who are making this movie have no idea what happens, right?

Because it's like eight seconds.

It's like dancing and I don't know, fucking punch.

They punch.

There's probably punch.

And then that scene's over.

Yeah.

That's all we got.

They didn't know what else to do.

They're like, I don't know.

They danced.

That was a sin.

We don't know.

Let's go get forgiven for watching that.

In reality, it's just like the cool kids doing hand jobs somewhere else and me like trying to dance as best I can.

Yeah.

Right.

Okay.

So, but then the next day at school, they run into each other and she tells him she sure had a good time.

Maybe they should do something like that again.

Right.

And he's like, yeah, maybe we should do something like that again.

She's like, well, why don't you come to church with me?

And he's like, not at all what I had in mind.

So not at all like what we just did or like what we were talking about.

No.

Where did that come from?

He begrudgingly eventually agrees to go to church, I guess.

Yeah.

And then just like, but I won't realize the value until later in the movie.

Whatever.

Right, right.

Decades later.

Flounces off.

Yeah.

Okay.

So then

we have this long fucking montage of him and his buddy practicing kung fu, but his buddy is the comic relief.

You can tell because he's overweight, right?

Oh, 50-year-old Randy Quaid, his high school buddy.

Yeah.

Yes.

Yeah, and he can't kung fu good at all.

No, and Raul teaches at the kung fu school now.

We haven't seen the actual sensei again since then.

I don't know if his business card was really successful in the previous scene, and he got a different gig so he couldn't come back for this scene.

You can't get all that much Gerald Okamura in your fucking movie, okay?

No, don't be greedy.

But yeah, so we watched this for a really long time, and it's just fucking dumb.

But then, as they're leaving Kung Fu practice, a couple of punks surround them.

As is typical outside of a martial arts studio, that's that's where the young thugs come to rob people.

That's where the muggers really tend to target.

Yes, okay, so yeah.

Not a good pick.

You got to pick your game.

That's what poker players say.

Bad table for you if you're a mugger.

But they're trying to set up, yeah, like a mugging, but they do it wrong because they're idiots.

So a guy just walks up and is like, hey, can I get a little spare change?

And

they have to like turn that into, I'm mugging you.

Right.

Yes, but it starts with just like a street tough just being like, hey, can I get like a quarter?

I need to make a call.

Right.

A tumbleweed blows by all of a sudden.

I'm like, also, also, we have got to talk about this fucking guy sitting off in the corner wearing a Corinthian helmet made of cardboard.

What the fuck is going on?

What was that?

I had to rewind a couple of times.

I realize that's not what we do on YouTube anymore.

We call it something else.

But I was like, what is on his head?

What are we seeing?

I was like, he said, like, a Burger King crown.

What are we doing?

Truly insane.

And they never address it in the moment.

No, this is not a dress.

We just get to watch this fight, including a guy with a cardboard Burger King Roman centurion helmet getting like judo thrown.

And we get this whole like, you know, taxi scene reenactment.

Are you talking to me?

Yes.

Are you talking to me?

Sir.

Yes.

He's obviously, he's obviously talking to you, man.

Yeah.

They don't show us the moment where they established the rules of this fight, but it appears there have been rules established, which is

the mugging squad can do punches only, and the kung squad will be doing kick and kickovers only.

Right, yes.

Yep, that makes sense.

Don't mess up the choreography.

They only had two days to practice this, y'all.

Oh, right, right.

They haven't gotten to punches yet.

That's day three.

But also, but Heath, it's not just kicks, It's also

backhand springs.

There are several, I would say, very unexpected,

I would say inefficiently.

Well, you know what?

Most backhand springs outside of a gymnastic competition are unexpected

and inefficient.

Yeah.

Seems like walking over there would have been a quicker way to get there, yes.

I'm trying to think of a situation in which a backhand spring can ever be efficient, if that would ever be the way.

stepping away from the urinal.

No, because you wouldn't want your hands to get on that.

Never mind.

Never mind.

We've been over this.

We've been over this.

I can't think of a scenario.

It's pretty tough.

It's pretty tough.

I will need a minute.

So, but, okay, so.

Big balls would hate that.

Not efficient at all.

No.

So, yeah, so, but he beats all the guys up, right?

What's amazing because his buddy's there as well.

So he has to like beat three guys up and then two of the other guys are beating up his friend.

So he has to go beat them up as well.

And then his friend gets off like one good good hit and it's like hitting him in the face with his bag because it isn't that inept yeah

classic boing

yeah and so as they're walking away from this alley full of their victims they run into officer john again and they have to go like oh lou lu lou doing walking stuff walking stuff you know you can't

report to the police that you were

yes almost mugged that's not what the police are for don't tell them quick it's a secret

what

i guess yeah but there's supposed to be a bunch of tension because of that right where it was just like oh how convenient that you would have this police officer there that could go and arrest these people for the crime that they committed but nope nope they were right around the corner you didn't hear raul yelling kia like 85 times just now you didn't hear that listen officer john is busy i looked over i thought i figured it must be some gymnastics demonstration because why the fuck else would you be doing backhand springs?

It's a reasonable assumption.

People LARPing Roman centurions.

I thought it was a LARPing thing, maybe.

All right.

Well, we just got that time I beat up five guys who tried to jump me.

So I think we're going to take a quick break before this guy beats battle toads on the first try.

But we will be back in a minute with even more fury to freedom.

Hey, Noah.

Noah.

Hey, Eth.

What's up?

Noah.

What's up, man?

Hey, hey.

Yeah, have you seen my whale head?

You have a whale head?

I do.

I haven't seen it.

I would remember that if I saw it.

All right.

Well.

Fine.

Yeah.

What are you doing with a whale head, Heath?

Great question, Noah.

I'm making my superfood bone broth.

According to my health expert guy, it's got everything I need for nutrition.

Yeah, that sounds incorrect.

Well, dude, hold on.

I haven't told you about the magic yet.

It's got whale bones for strong bones, like whales have, pretty sure.

It's got lion's mane for mane health and collagen for my joints.

I have the broth and the collagen goes straight to my bad knee.

Yeah, the details all made it worse.

But Heath, if you're looking for an easy way to eat better, why don't you try Factor?

Oh, what's

Factor?

It's a great place to get delicious, healthy meals.

They're ready in two minutes.

You just heat them up and enjoy, giving yourself more time to do what you want.

Two minutes.

That sounds great.

But is there a bunch of prep that's not included in that two minutes?

No, no prep.

Factory meals arrive fresh and ready to eat.

Perfect for any active lifestyle.

Spring is here and Factor's super easy meals let you get outside instead of all the time you spend prepping and cooking indoors.

Factor meals pack into the flavor with none of the fuss.

Okay, but here's the thing.

I like variety.

Do they have that?

You're making bone broth for every meal and you like variety.

Variety.

Yep.

Yeah, okay, just checking.

But yes, Factor has plenty of variety with 45 weekly menu options.

You can pick gourmet meals that fit your goals.

You can choose from Calorie Smart, Protein Plus, Keto, and more.

Factor powers your day with satisfying breakfasts, on-the-go lunches, premium dinners, and guilt-free snacks and desserts.

Okay, but have you actually tried it?

I eat Factor almost every day.

Lucid and I were getting Factor meals before they even became a sponsor.

Yesterday, I had a delicious creamy dill shrimp cavatopi, and this morning I had cinnamon roll pancakes that were so good they should be illegal.

Nice.

All right, I'm sold.

Where do I sign up?

Get started at factormeals.com/slash awful 50 off and use the code awful50off to get 50% off plus free shipping on your first box.

That's code awful50off at factormeals.com/slash awful 50off for 50% off plus free shipping.

All right, thanks, Noah.

No problem.

Hey, one other question.

Have you seen my jar of room temperature beef tallow?

I thought you were just going to try factor.

Yeah, I am.

But

don't worry about it.

All right, kung fu lesson number one.

Come at me with any attack.

All right.

All right.

Here we go.

What if I

did a little

tripped you?

Okay.

All right.

Nice trip.

Nice trip.

That was actually pretty cool.

That was pretty cool.

Come on, get up, get up, and come at me again.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

What if I did uh

something

like how about

tripped you

okay?

That one hurt.

All right, you got me again.

I did, you got me again.

I was going, I did.

Okay, come at me again.

This time we'd use a different attack this time.

I feel like you're just gonna trip me, though.

No, I'm not gonna trip you.

Really?

You're not gonna trip me?

Yep, I promise.

I'm not gonna trip you.

Okay, all right, fine, fine.

All right, new attack, new attack.

What about the the old?

What about ow?

So stupid.

Fuck you.

Got you.

You know what?

I quit.

I'm leaving.

I'm leaving.

I'm leaving.

Raul.

Raul, don't be like that.

Raul.

Wait, Raul.

Hold on.

What?

What?

What?

Congratulations.

You've earned a yellow belt.

Oh, fuck yeah.

Yellow belt.

I'm back.

Well done, my young student.

Thanks.

Okay, so

can I get my belt?

Pretty excited about that.

There's a whole ceremony.

It's in the next class.

Nice.

But you have to pay now, though.

Oh.

And we're back for more of this shit.

We're going to rejoin the action with Raul going to church with Sharon, right?

We have her like waiting for him.

He shows up a little late on his motorcycle.

He's got his Sunday best denim jacket with popped collar instead of leather.

Yeah, for church.

And her dress is,

it is a dress.

Sure is.

Say that about it.

Sure is.

Can double as a tent if you get caught like on the side of the road overnight or something like that.

You know, shelter, provide shelter for yourself and a family of rabbits.

It's like they were trying to do the opposite of pants as far as they could.

You know

what's the opposite of lady pants?

We want to, you know, propaganda wise.

Yeah, is that right, right?

Try to move the over to the window.

The jacket goes all the way down, right?

So, it but then we cut to him in church, and the sermon is so boring that he falls asleep.

And in his defense, the part of the sermon we hear is,

and we should pray for our congressmen and our senators

and our president.

And I'm like, oh my God, man, did you start a dog catcher?

What the hell?

Right.

I'd fall asleep too.

I think I fell asleep in that part of the movie.

It was so boring.

I don't blame this guy.

Right.

Yeah.

They're praying for i mean at the time of the making of the movie ronald reagan or at the time of the setting of the movie richard nixon so it's a lot good either way yeah no no

so and then we so we get the little quick church thing and now we're at a basketball game and she she's a cheerleader for the basketball team which i just I want to point out that the the dress code just seems very different.

I'm not here to shame anybody for what they're wearing, but like, girl, why are you dressing in that thing to go to church?

But then it's perfectly fine at school to be a cheerleader.

Like, just dress how you want to dress.

Stop with this whole, this is what I wear to church business.

Come on, we know this isn't real.

Yeah, further homeschool confirmation of your theory for sure.

Yeah.

Yes.

So, but then like, so we watched this for a while.

The home team takes the lead.

And I'm like, I don't fucking care.

Do you really think I give a shit about what happens in this fucking basketball game you're staging?

Well, neither does the movie.

But they get it wrong, though.

They do.

They show it to us, and they don't have to show it to us.

It's so stupid.

The home team hits a shot near the buzzer, and the guy gets fouled.

So he gets the A and one, and they show the foul shot.

They showed us the scoreboard.

That was tied.

And then they show us the scoreboard.

They're up two points.

They're actually up three.

Why show us that?

Right.

They thought they had it.

They really thought they had figured out basketball and they were really proud of that.

Like you're ruining this for them.

I guess.

Well, and also, like, apparently, Raul is really pissed off at basketball.

Right.

Right.

I don't, I, I, I don't understand why, but he's just sitting there just seething at the fact that

basketball.

He doesn't like basketball.

And this is the first and only sign that Raul might be problematic in this remote.

Yeah, right, right.

Yeah.

Now we're starting to wonder.

Yeah.

See if you can pick him out as we go.

Yeah, right.

So no, so we cut this yarn.

She's walking home and Raul shows up on his motorcycle and he's like, hey, do you want to ride on my, you know, giant thousand-pound vibrator?

And she goes, no,

no, my mom said that you're too rebellious and I can't see you anymore because of your lack of Christianity.

And he goes, but aren't you rebellious too?

And so they go on a motorcycle ride together.

100% this guy in real life being like, I can drive a motorcycle for real.

You got to show a shot of it.

You have to.

So they know it's not a stunt, man.

Also, I can kick over a motorcycle.

Show that.

And by kick over we don't mean that you're actually gonna knock it over you're just gonna swing your leg over the top of it just to be clear after that i'm gonna wrist the motorcycle

yes

i'm gonna control the muffler that's the wrist of a motorcycle most people don't know that then we get we we cut to we cut to him in bed getting an 8 30 p.m wake up call for the party

I don't know.

Right.

Like, and he's late.

They're like, where are you?

I thought you were going to come to the party.

Dude, it's 8.30.

Yeah, I'll get to the fucking

again.

Homeschoolers, yeah, right.

Homeschoolers party later than that.

Yeah, this party's over if this is homeschoolers.

So, yeah, so he gives them the like, I'll be right there as if he's being called into work, right?

He's going to a fucking party.

So, okay, so we cut to the party, and somebody at the party is challenging Raul to knock another guy out with one punch.

Just some random, just some guy that neither of them know right not some guy that they don't like no or anything like that and and he's gonna give him one dollar if he assaults this guy one of who's games of pac-man right here in your hand yeah so he comes up and there's this just really big guy and he's like hey i'm gonna sucker punch you in the face he goes you're gonna what and then he sucker punches him in the face and then it doesn't stop there somehow i guess the bloodlust gets him or something and next thing you know he's throwing people out of windows and hitting people over the head with beer bottles right no he cuts a dude's face with a beer bottle yeah broken beer bottle for free apparently

okay i thought knocking people out was a dollar a piece what the fuck are you doing man wait was this a bogo kind of a situation

We definitely missed a few of the key lessons at that two-day dojo stint that he did.

One of them being grab a bottle and hit somebody in the face.

And the other kick through windows when possible.

You just cannot invite this guy to your party.

Yeah, so he slices a dude's face and throws him through the window.

So then we cut to him at court for the face slicing, right?

He's been arrested for assault with a deadly weapon.

I feel like because this guy hit him from with a chair from behind and then kicked him in the ribs.

I feel like that's a mitigating circumstance, but the judge isn't having any of it.

It's nonsense.

The judge is like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, the state's going to drop the charges if you join the military right now.

And that's actually what happens.

That's the plot of the movie.

Yep.

I needed a DA to be like, nope, no, we're not dropping it at all.

Definitely not doing that.

Remember, y'all, this is how the justice system works.

If you're a young, straight white man with a promising athletic career ahead of you, or one time you did a sport.

Yes, right.

That's probably accurate for whenever this happens.

No, right?

Well, hey, let me tell you, I don't know what the fucking punishment for cutting a guy's face and throwing him to a window is, but I'd take it over being sent to goddamn Vietnam.

Right?

Like, I'll go to jail for 30 days or whatever we're doing here.

Yep.

This is a good idea.

Some probation.

Yeah.

Right.

So, but he's like, yeah, I'll join the military.

So we cut to outside the court.

We learned that Officer John put in a good word for him.

Well, I, or a bad word, if it gets like, because he ends up in Vietnam over the shin, but yeah.

Officer John was like, finally, fuck this guy.

Yeah, right.

John, so he says, so I suppose now, Officer John, you'll tell me to join the Marines.

And John says, well, that's up to you.

And I'm like, well, he was sentenced to do it in a court of law.

So I don't know if it's up to him.

He's got four choices here.

I don't think they're going to, like that.

I don't think that National Guard is going to count now.

Starting an Etsy shop.

It's going to adopt a highway.

Yeah.

So, okay, so now he's in boot camp.

And, you know, he kind of likes being psychologically abused by this drill sergeant, I guess so it would seem it started giving starship troopers vibes real fast

except like the difference was i i'm pretty sure starship troopers was intentionally a satire if it's source material and i don't know what we're supposed to be taking this guy seriously

That would be my, I wouldn't, I wouldn't have any problem doing the sir, yes, sir, shit.

I would just be snickering the whole time.

I'd be going, yes, sir, yes, sir, with the hat.

Yeah.

They always have to, they have to establish the drill sergeant character, and it's always like, I'm your father, and your mother, and your God.

But I always want to see the next thing that happens in real life with that guy being like, okay, and here's your orientation packet.

Everybody just

you guys can all flip to page six of your handbook.

Yeah, right.

So, but then we get a, we get a montage of boot camp, right?

We don't have a whole hell of a lot of time to devote to this.

So we watch a bunch of people being worn out.

Yeah.

And now we're wrapping up boot camp.

Right.

So a lot of of push-ups and pull-ups.

You always see that at boot camp stuff, right?

I don't, I've never been to a war, but I imagine there's not a lot of push-ups and pull-ups type scenarios where that's going to matter that much.

I don't know.

Fair.

You got to wonder, like, who made these fitness assessments?

And did they not do some kind of an assessment to figure out, okay, what are the functions that you need to be doing in this job?

How will we measure those?

How did we arrive at this test?

I really have questions.

Do you guys even read the packet?

No, actually, like,

I'm not saying that you're never going to need to like climb downward on a rope or whatever, like, but like, like, odds are it's not going to be a big part of your day, you know?

Not a lot of obstacle courses in Vietnam.

I mean, there's obstacles.

Not like cargo nets, you know?

Right.

Turns out they're ill-prepared.

Yeah, right, right.

So they send him to Vietnam.

Okay, statistically, it should just be like, cut to Vietnam, he dies, dies credits, right?

Like

that's what happens here.

Yes.

Right.

So, but before we can even find out about that, we have a quick scene where he like calls Sharon and he's like, hey, I'll be back in 13 months if I don't die.

That's pretty soon if you think about it.

It is.

Why is his deployment that short, first of all?

And why is Sharon waiting for him?

I thought she broke up with him before all this, or I guess the motorcycle vibrator got her back.

I don't understand yeah i think that's what's being implied perhaps rope them back in yeah all right she's got limited options i guess honestly i couldn't even tell you what happened in this fucking scene because there was like a survivation salvation army bell ringer right next to him the whole fucking time and i was just like oh come on doing the most good

like i'm like you haven't even found jesus yet go punch that guy right like come on trying to talk on the phone here at least kick over his head or something yeah well yeah right

you're over the bucket and then you defeat the bucket you get all the money.

But then, okay, so then we, we get, we get a bunch of stock footage of Vietnam, and I'm writing jokes in my notes, and I'm like, oh, but these, this is video of actually people dying and shit.

Fuck, I don't want to write any jokes about that.

Yeah.

So we get that for a bit.

Sorry, sorry to deflate that before I hand it over to you guys as a comedy setup.

No, it was.

I was watching this thinking, well, this took a dark turn.

Suddenly, this doesn't really seem like our proportionate punishment for his fight that he got into at a high school party.

And maybe this is going to take a turn and we're going to be thinking about the horrors of war and we're going to learn about mental health.

Spoiler alert, we're not, it doesn't.

We're almost going to anti-learn about that.

Yeah, we're going to like, we're going to know less about that when we come out.

Yeah.

So we see him like, yeah, we see him reflecting on the horrors of war.

And then he walks into like Frag as captain, right?

He's like, I'm not going back out there again.

And they send him to see a shrink for like threatening his captain, or I guess.

After, and I couldn't help but notice that this is now the second time in this film where he's threatened to kill someone if they, you know, put him in harm's way again, and then immediately proceeds to not do that.

But we're glad to hear that, and then just like fades into the bushes, like, yeah, in the most unthreatening way possible.

I laughed so hard at the bush's feet.

So they're trying to make this like serious confrontation happen.

So Raul goes up to his captain and he's like, if you send us out there to die one more time,

one more

time,

one more time.

Are you slowly backing it?

There's nothing back there.

What are you doing?

That's the closet.

Ow, I got stabbed by a bush.

One more time.

Just don't.

Really look where I'm going.

Seriously, don't.

Ah, fuck.

So, but then they send him to a VA hospital to be assessed for his trauma or whatever.

Apparently.

But we have this moment where, like, the psychiatrist is telling him, like, you know, well, you know, you have this type of trauma or whatever, and he has to freak out on her.

Right, for no reason, unprompted.

She's not doing anything to him.

He just has to freak out all the time for no reason and then like launch into his second like big attempt at acting this time he's gonna get it right with a capital a baby yeah he's acting so hard he's like saying act act act act

it's supposed to be the big speech he's like i am the fucking deer hunter yes i am

right yeah is that a character in that movie or is it just like a

i'm the deer hunter

it's like the truck the deer hunter would have driven yeah yeah like everyone just feels so sorry for him.

They're like, oh, quick, quick, pull him, pull him off stage.

Yeah, the orderlies come to grab him.

They're like,

this monologue is way too big for you, man.

It's just swallowing you right up.

You're going to need some tranks to stop that monologue

in real life, but we'll use it in the movie.

So, again, and then so they drag him out, they tranquilize him, and then we have him in group therapy doing the same shit again.

Right there, like, you know, what emotions are you feeling right now?

And he's like, hate hate i hate you and i hate him and i hate her and i want to kill all you motherfuckers yeah this was this was dark i laughed right after this though because yeah he's he's describing like a terrible thing right oh sure hate i want to i just want to kill everybody and then the therapist is like cool um danny how about you do you want to share

right after that and danny's like

and she's like oh nothing from danny okay billy share

i think you should address the guy who said he wants to do murders just now.

I think you should address that.

Yeah, right.

He goes, I want to kill everyone in here.

And then she's like, oh, so how does everybody feel about Raul wanting to kill you?

You know, we're pretty uncomfortable with it, actually.

It's really throwing off the whole vibe of group therapy when you, now that you ask.

Danny and Billy are like slowly put their hands up.

They're like, yeah, uncomfortable.

Me too.

Same, same, same.

No, actually,

we love it in here.

We love Raul.

We would never call him anything other than Raoul.

So, and then the psychiatrist says, well,

and the scene ends.

Like, there's no fucking way that's how that was supposed to be cut.

Well,

cut.

Yep.

Segue, segue, segue.

One more segue.

And then, so we get him on a payphone with Sharon, right?

She's not, he's not telling her that he's in like a psych ward or anything.

He's lying to her about it.

There's a great moment here at the end of the call.

She goes, I love you.

God bless you.

And Raul goes, bye.

Rough.

It's like none of the above.

But they're like, hey, you got to go back and see your psychiatrist again.

So he goes to see the psychiatrist, and she's got some conclusions.

She's done psychiatristing him.

And she has determined that he's faking his PTSD to get out of combat.

He's full of shit.

He's a gold bricker.

Right.

This guy, who is clearly the most disturbed, emotionally unstable person in her group therapy sessions, is faking it?

He was already PST'd up when he showed up at Vietnam.

Right.

How did we miss this guy?

And then she's like, oh, wow, I think you fooled the government.

You didn't fool me, but you fooled them.

So you're being released.

And I'm like, wait a minute, does she not work for the VA?

Who is this lady?

Right.

She's making the assessment on behalf of the government of his psychological wait.

Is she a hallucination?

And she has the whole thing.

And she's like, you're being honorably discharged.

And she does it with this whole like, I'll get you next time gadget attitude.

Right?

Yes.

I thought she was going to like nar to the government.

and the military about his fake trauma that he's faking and then he like goes back to war.

I don't know.

But yeah, it was more like a gadget next time thing.

Yeah.

He got away with it.

Yeah, and then he's just out.

We have to somehow establish that, well, he got out and it wasn't actually a mental health issue.

It was that he doesn't have Jesus.

That's the real problem that needed to be solved, that the doctors couldn't fix him for that reason.

Oh, my God.

I'm not convinced.

You know what?

It just occurred to me, and I'm sorry to make this so fucking sad all of a sudden, but yeah, this is actually.

Because this is based on a real guy.

This is that guy trying to say, no, I don't have any of that sissy shrink-needing shit, right?

That's what it is.

That is God.

It is that.

That's what it is.

Mental health care won't help with this.

Only Jeebus.

Right.

Yeah.

Also, I guess this is said in like 1970 or something like that.

I'd be 0% surprised if that narking thing was a thing back then.

So a therapist at the VA would like check a checkbox that says gold bricker and just send it to the military.

And it's like, you're back in.

Now you're back in Vietnam.

Oh, I'm sure you am.

Right.

How does she have no say in this?

If she's doing his assessment, why was that not for me?

What would you say you do here?

Yeah.

But he's out now.

He's out of the military.

So he hauls out in his Volkswagen bug to go see Sharon.

Of course.

Right.

Because I guess they did not know at this point in cinematic history that movies were supposed to have plots.

No, I think that came later.

Yeah.

But then we get a long montage of them spending time together down by the docks.

Oh, yeah.

We get a montage of like kind of date stuff, them doing stuff by the docks.

They, those things, by the way, in the montage are tag, he like runs out from something and pushes her, scares the shit out of her.

Also, hat fights, he likes

her hat

for a while, and she's like noticeably pissed.

And uh, the airplane baby, you know, baby food thing, like, she feeds him, she's like,

right into the weird fucking date day.

Is that not what y'all do on your dates?

Yeah, right, right again.

The homeschooled

incel that wrote this thing.

Yeah.

I hurt Anne's hand once.

You tried to bite it too fast, didn't you?

You didn't like it.

I got to get all the way up.

I got hanged.

I like food.

No, I get it.

I get it.

So, okay.

But eventually the date montage resolves on Raul proposing.

And she's like, oh, sorry.

No, you're not even the right religion.

Right.

And okay.

I've got to ask at this point, Sharon, how did this not come to your attention sooner?

We've had this full

entage of, you know, he's putting the airplane food in your mouth and everything.

And like, this did not occur to you before the proposal.

What were we doing all that time?

Or during the 13 fucking months he was in Vietnam.

Right.

This just now came up just right this minute.

He's been an atheist kung fu biker the whole time.

You knew this.

Right.

Nothing changed.

Well, but then he's like, well, but I am Christian.

What do you think I am?

Jewish?

And she's like, no, but you're not Christian enough.

He's like, what?

I'm supposed to stay awake at the church too?

No one said that.

You said come to church.

Right, I came to church.

Yeah.

I'm not a true Scotsman.

I don't know.

And then I wrote in my notes, just my cue for the next scene was just 80-ness distilled to its essence, right?

Because we see big hair taking an aerobics class.

Okay.

This was excellent.

This was almost my best worst.

So we see Sharon at the like quintessential 80s aerobics ballet class thing.

She's doing like, you know, the Jane Fonda thing.

Yeah.

But it's a sad moment for her in the movie.

So she's doing Jane Fonda aerobics in a snit.

Yes.

And it was fucking hilarious.

She's like, hmm, and

okay.

Yeah.

And we watch an absurd amount.

So we watch her whole fucking workout.

But afterwards, she gets in a car with Lori, her friend from earlier, and she's real sad.

And Lori's like, okay, what's wrong?

And she says, I'm pregnant.

And I'm like, oh, this is going to be one of those pro-abortion movies that doesn't realize it's a pro-abortion movie.

Yeah.

Seriously, I was like, are you switching to a kung fu abortion movie right now?

Like, I'm on board depending on how you pull this off at the end.

Right.

If you do the leg sweep correctly, you can defeat the fetus.

But you've got to be really careful to just go over the fetus and not over her, or otherwise, you know, you just kill everyone.

You don't have any splash damage or anything.

All right.

Well, now I'm fucking sad.

Uteris control.

So, yeah, so now she's going to have to marry the hyper-violent guy, and that means I'm depressed about where we're going and I need a break.

But first, let me give Act Three the hard sell.

Will this terrible human physically abuse his wife?

Will he psychologically abuse his wife?

Will he emotionally abuse his wife?

Yeah, this is more of a trigger warning than a hard sell.

Sorry, but yes, yes, and yes.

But stick around anyway for the he remains a piece of shit throughout conclusion of

fury to freedom.

Hey, Noah, what you making there?

A gift from my mom for Mother's Day.

You're giving her a pamphlet?

No, it's a coupon book.

See?

Okay.

This coupon entitles Bearer to one two quo quay fallacy,

additional two minutes of uninterrupted rebuttal, get out of a non-sequitur free.

What?

Yeah, yeah.

Mostly my mom and I just argue about religion and politics these days, and I'm always trouncing her since I do this for a living and she's just like a, you know, like a moderately informed retired lady.

So I figured this would be the perfect gift.

What do you think?

Well, have you considered an aura frame?

What's an aura frame?

It's a digital picture frame that was named best digital photo frame by Wirecutter, and it's easy to see why.

There's unlimited storage, so you can add as many photos, videos, and funny memes as you can find.

And it's so simple to set up.

Just plug it in and share away.

And you really think my mom will like it?

Yeah, Aura Frames were featured in 495 gift guides in 2024 alone.

It was selected three times as one of Oprah's favorite things.

It was named the number one digital picture frame by Wirecutter, The Strategist, and Wired.

And it's recommended by Fast Company, The Wall Street Journal, Forbes, and high-end home design publications.

Wow.

Well, that sounds way better than making a whole coupon book or letting my mom get away with a Tuquo Kui fallacy, actually.

But can I afford it?

Well, Aura has a great deal for Mother's Day.

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Awesome.

I'm sold.

So,

can you give me back my coupon book?

Give up two minutes of uninterrupted rebuttal, not a chance.

Oh, man.

Tu Kuo Kwe.

Lululu, doing kung fu stuff.

Kung fu stuff is my favorite stuff.

Lululu.

Hey, man.

You got any change?

Fuck you.

Make me.

Well,

I was just asking for change.

You don't have to give it to me.

I'll fight you for it.

How about that?

Okay.

Yeah, fine.

I guess

we can fight for it.

All right.

Well, you should be aware that I know kung fu.

Cool.

All right, let's go.

So it's time to fight.

Woo!

Timeout.

Time out.

Timeout?

Yeah, yes, yes.

I called time.

Respect the T.

Before we start, just give me a second.

Okay, yeah, before we start, what are the rules?

The

rules?

I don't know, man.

You're the one who baited into a fight.

All right, well, here's what we're going to do: you only get punches, and I only get kicks.

You good with that?

Yeah, fine.

And you have to start by coming at me

like this.

You have to come at me like this.

I'm sorry, like, like this?

No, no, no,

like,

like this.

Like, like that, like this.

Got it.

And, and,

and if I kick over your head, I

win.

Why would you kick over my head?

It's none of your business, but that's a rule too.

Yeah, all right, man.

Great.

So, okay, quick review here.

That's me, punches, you kicks.

I come at you like this.

And if you kick over my head, you win your money from yourself.

Per

yes, perfect.

Wait, sorry, just one more quick thing.

Um, is your friend over there wearing a

like a Roman soldier helmet?

Yeah, it's that's his thing.

I got it for Burger King.

Yeah, it don't worry about it.

It's just cardboard, it won't hurt it.

All right, all right, cool.

And you have to fight me one at a time.

Yeah, one at a time.

Deal.

All right, all right.

I'll count it down from three, and then you come at me like this, like

this, like this.

Yes, I got it.

Okay, okay one

two

three

ah fuck

i broke my fucking nose what the fuck so give me your loose change fine here just take it thank you oh

hurts so bad

you're a dick

this is your idea

And we're back for still more of this shit.

We're going to to rejoin Sharon and a different friend, I think, on a porn set.

I don't know.

Does this cloth everything around them?

I don't even fucking know.

But yeah, but they need to.

She's talking about the pregnancy and how this is going to ruin her life because she's not allowed to just end it.

Right.

It's not clear why.

The pregnancy, not her life, is I think

she's got it, dude.

Got it.

Okay, that escalated quickly.

But she was saying, my life is over.

Oh, no.

But it seems like the problem is

just

that they're not married.

Like, this is giving real, like, you know, teen pregnancy angst.

But again, these people are like in their 40s by now.

Right.

Well, yeah, there's that.

undercuts it a bit.

So, but they pray and she's like, God, I know I'm not allowed to have an abortion.

I'm sorry for fucking.

Yeah.

Actually, they pray for forgiveness because of the sex with the kung fu atheist.

Yeah.

And then we get a quick clip of their shotgun wedding.

You know, they run out to the just married car.

They get rice thrown at them.

We're happy for them.

Always seem dangerous to me.

It is.

It's not safe.

It's not good for the birds and wildlife.

Yeah, right, right.

On the sidewalk.

Also, it's bad for the person you hit in the eye with the rice.

That's exactly.

Exactly.

Also, that.

Right.

That's who I was really worried about.

But yes, also birds.

Yeah.

We actually get like a my eye.

It's awesome.

So, but now, but then the baby is born and we denote that by with crying, right?

There's, there's.

Lots of crying.

And this, this cut to the, the porch steps or something into their house.

And I'm sorry, what in the ever-loving hell is that dog puppet thing that's playing on the porch steps?

Like, what?

What is that?

Someone help explain.

If the rest of the movie was like them trying to remove the curse of that thing,

why else would you show it to us?

Okay, so then we cut to Raul and he's hard at work at the supermarket checking out a bunch of hotties.

I had written in all caps 80s hair when we met Wendy.

Yeah, Wendy is the quintessential 80s hot lady for him to flirt with, even though he's married now.

Yeah.

And she just, she comes, he's, he's checking out at the grocery store.

That's his job.

And she walks up and she's like, hi, I'm Wendy.

I am buying nothing but whipped cream.

Would you ring this up?

And actually, is all she has.

Oh,

my God.

I thought that was just a joke.

That's amazing.

So, and of course, he doesn't know how cashiering works.

So, he opens the till and then he goes, That'll be $8.30 or whatever.

And then this part just really gets me.

She calls him Raul because he probably has a name tag on and she can read.

and then he corrects her again.

It's like, no, it's Raul.

Raul.

There is no explanation for this in this entire movie.

100% bothered by it.

Raul Rees in real life was the like script supervisor and he was furious.

at every moment when Raul was said wrong.

That's really the fury.

The main character gets Wendy's number because she pays with a check for $8.37.

And he's like, is your number on it?

And she's like, yeah.

So like, he establishes a date with this person.

And then she's like, okay, bye, Rao.

And he corrects her pronunciation angrily because Raul Rees, the real guy was like, correct it, correct it.

And that's the end of the scene.

I would have corrected her.

No one can say that.

It's Raul.

Yeah.

So now Wendy is only the first of the, well, I guess unless we count Sharon and Laurie.

She's the first woman that'll throw herself at Raoul as this movie goes.

You can take a drink every time one does and be quite inebriated by the end of this.

When she says, she's like, like, is a check okay?

I was like, imagine explaining this fucking movie to a 15-year-old.

A check.

Okay.

Women did not yet have the right to have a credit card at this moment.

Oh, my God.

In the setting of the movie.

Jesus Christ.

Because I think this is 1973, I think, is the actual answer to that question.

The setting.

Yeah.

Okay.

All right.

Yeah.

I was going to say, the movie was made in like 85, I think.

But in the 70s, no, that's true.

Yeah.

Got to get a man to sign off on your bank account.

Yep, terrifying.

Wow.

So, okay, so he gets they failed the Bechdel test again for that, right?

That counts as another

extra failure,

negative points.

Yeah, yeah, no, they have to take this course again next semester.

So, okay, so now he gets home, and Sharon's complaining because he got home too late.

And she also notices that he's not wearing his wedding ring.

And his explanation is that it gets stuck on the till at his highly demanding grocery store.

Gets stuck on the till.

What?

How would that happen?

What crazy, tragic farce, slapstick mishap

has to happen for you?

I'm stuck in the till.

It's my ring.

Somebody's got to get me out with the jaws of life.

This is pre-OSHA, y'all.

Oh, yeah, no,

you know, attacking people.

What are you, the first half of a fucking infomercial over here?

So he's like, oh, yeah, no, here's, by the way, true story.

My wedding ring was eaten by a dog very shortly after my wife and I got married.

The fact that my marriage managed to survive me explaining that to her still amazes me to this.

Your wedding ring and your homework were the same excuse.

Wow.

I'm going to be honest, I'm struggling to believe that story.

I don't believe you.

The only reason that you can believe me and the only reason that she believes me is because I would have made up a better lie, right?

Like, there's no way that's the lie I would have gone with.

I can't take the wedding ring test.

My grandpa died again.

I mean, did it ever, you know, come back out of the dog?

Not that I'm aware of.

It's entirely possible that the dog's owner pawned it, but I, yeah, I was never made aware of that.

But yeah, so, but she's telling him that she needs him to go to church with her, goddammit, on Sundays.

But damn it, Sundays is his kung fu day.

And that's the only day you can do kung fu.

I don't know if you know this, but you can only do kung fu on Sundays.

It's the law.

It's so tragic.

She actually says, like, we don't have money for food for our kids that we have, like, our new kids.

And he's like, I can't stop doing kung fu on Sundays.

I almost have my purple belt, whatever.

I have to go.

Yes, right.

Yeah.

Also, like, where did this other kid come from?

Why is there a four-year-old now also in addition to the baby?

When did this happen?

Was there a montage that we missed?

Did she have this kid like before they graduated high school?

I feel like maybe that part of the montage had to be pulled out by the Dove Foundation's request or something.

So then we cut to him at Kung Fu Practice, but he's not focused.

He's focused too much on his family and not enough on his Kung Fu,

apparently.

Yeah.

This appears to be an important lesson in Kung Fu.

You remember Slapjacks, the game you would play as a kid?

That's a big part of Kung Fu, it turns out.

Clearly.

That's what I learned here.

I was great at that game.

I bet you were good at that game too, weren't you, Heath?

You were fucking awesome at that game.

I was a big fan of Slapjacks, yeah.

Okay, yeah, I figured.

So, yeah, so they play Slapjacks for a little while, and he's like, you know, do better.

And so, he does better, and then the sound cutout on the first version of this that we found on YouTube, and it did not fucking matter.

No,

it did not.

You did not miss anything, yeah.

I mean, because of racist music, maybe

supposed to be like, yeah, yeah, and with no sound, it's actually pretty funny because

he's doing that complete silence.

Yeah.

It was uncomfortable.

So then just because it's a pet peeve of mine, when people wake up from nightmares by sitting straight up, he does that.

We see him like remembering Vietnam and doing that physically impossible to do thing, right?

Don't you do that?

If you ever have a nightmare, you wake up and just leap straight out of bed.

Yes, hinging at the hips, yes.

But okay, I point this out, A, because it's my pet peeve and I have to, I kind of have to point it out, but B, because earlier in the movie, when he was like flashing back to all his Vietnam shit, he flashed back to this scene that had not yet happened, right?

That's the quality of filmmaking we're working with.

The movie's in a simulation, and it all makes sense.

Right, yeah.

It's going backwards and forwards in time.

Those were tachyon emissions.

So, okay.

So sometime later, he and Sharon are looking over some old photographs, right?

I wrote in my notes, guys, what the fuck is this movie about at this point?

And the movie was like, I have no idea.

I don't know.

Keep watching.

We'll try to figure it out.

No one knows.

You think for a minute that it's going to be about domestic abuse and getting mental health care for people who need it.

But guess what?

That is not where this goes.

No, it goes in a much darker direction.

It's called Christianity.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, exactly.

so he's like hey look at these pictures of me with my old girlfriends and she's like oh well you know i just happen to have a whole book of pictures with me of me with my old boyfriends in this holster right here it's like wow that's weird that you had that so so quickly you had that ready huh and at this point raul becomes just livid he's like he's about to kung fu punch the pictures of her exes yeah

Great.

I actually wrote that down and then he rips the page.

Yes.

I was like, wow, I was actually really close.

I was joking.

Well, and she tries her fucking best, right?

Because he tears up the pictures and she's like, well, then I'll tear up your pictures of you and your old girlfriends.

And then he hits her.

Yeah.

And that's not fucking funny.

No, that took a turn.

Like, everything was fine.

And then it was.

We were all having fun with our little jokes.

Yeah.

And then we took a turn for no apparent reason.

Yeah.

So the next day we've got her at the table.

Her friend Laurie comes in to go shopping and sees that she's been, you know, they had the shit beat out of her.

Yeah, just really sad.

The only positive for me was like, my one thought was: okay, if Sharon learns kung fu and beats the fuck out of Rao with a crane kick or something,

Mr.

Biagi at some point.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Right.

Like we saw her earlier doing ballet.

We know she has the flexibility.

Oh my God.

She can kick really high.

Yes.

She can win at the kung fu kicks.

She can joust ostrich her.

Yes, yes, yes.

She can, oh, I love it.

We need to make a sequel, guys.

The path is clear.

So, okay.

So then we cut to like, and by the way, we're just kind of done with this, right?

We're not going to revisit this.

We're not going to dwell on this at all.

We're going to move on to the next plot point, which is him getting his black belt at the fucking standing room only

karate show.

What even was that?

I was like, are we in Vegas?

Is this a magician show?

I am not familiar with this ceremony.

It had the vibes of like a big, like a Celine Dion concert or something in Vegas.

Like a residency for this stupid little kung fu kata dance that he's doing.

Yeah, so he does his kata

and

or whatever, I guess I had this nikata and kung fu, or maybe it is, I don't fucking know.

But anyway, he does this very unimpressive martial arts thing, and it's weird that they needed a stunt man to do it, right?

Because he's in ninja mask the whole time, right?

It's so bad that you're like, Well, why didn't you just get somebody who was really impressive at this?

Or did they not get good at this until the 90s?

It's the best.

I think they did maybe get somebody like that, but just like re like delist level that

because then they had to switch to shadows for almost the whole thing, where the expert maybe just as shadows, the expert can look like an expert.

And we get to see Raul, I guess, allegedly beating up a bunch of ninjas in shadow form.

Like he's Steven Seagal in all those Steven Seagal videos of like how Aikido is real, but it's definitely not.

Yeah, right.

No, exactly.

And this is how they assess him.

Yeah.

If you can defeat the shadows, you pass.

And the crowd goes buck wild when you're talking about it.

Right.

Well, because he's officially a master of the martial arts.

The marital arts, not so much, but the martial arts, he's got.

Yes, squiggly blue line.

I did mean marital arts.

Fuck you.

And do you get a scroll at that point?

Yeah.

Well, if you look at the scroll, it's just, it's reflective.

You just see yourself in it.

You don't understand that until act three.

But yes, that is how it works.

He gets handed the actual scroll because now he's a kung fu master.

And he takes off his mask with a giant smile like he just graduated college, like he got a, you know, a master's of kung fu degree.

And he's fucked sided, fist bumping.

Oh, that's what it is.

It's his fucking, it's his kung fu diploma that's what that's what they hand probably yeah so okay so but then he's driving home his wife is being very supportive because he'll probably fucking hit her if he if she isn't and he tells her at this point he's like well this morning i signed a lease on my own kung fu studio fucking yikes Like I bought some Bitcoin and started a band and I put your down payment on the band's studio.

Like, babe, I signed a lease for my own kung fu studio.

Everyone who ever got divorced said that.

And then very soon after.

The leading cause of divorce.

Yes, exactly.

I know some people that this happened to.

It did not help the marriage.

How's the kung fu studio doing?

Are they like crushing it?

No.

No?

No, they're not.

No, none of that worked out.

And she's like, well, if you, but now you'll have two jobs.

You'll always be away from home.

And I'm like, are you sure you don't want him always away from home?

Right.

You might be safer.

Yeah.

And then she goes, You're not even trying to go to church with me, and I'm like, I'd love to see trying and failing to go to a place.

Like, I don't know how that

keeps getting into car accidents on the way,

right?

What's happening?

What's stopping him?

I tell you what, I bet it's not the kung fu.

I bet that's not the reason he's not able to make it to church.

I'm just guessing here, just him walking in place next to a church, like a side-scroller video game.

I wrote my notes.

I was like, I feel like this movie should just be playing on a loop in the waiting room at abortion clinics, right?

In case you were having second thoughts, just yeah, instead of the required sonogram, Christian bullshit, right?

Yes, yeah, exactly.

This is the blue state version of the sonogram.

If you decide to keep the baby, you have to watch this movie.

Congratulations, end of pregnancy center instead of a crisis.

Yeah, there you go.

Yeah, yeah.

So, okay.

And I guess now her parents are coming to visit the kid or whatever.

He's too busy teaching kung fu to be part of the grandparent visit, right?

Which, I mean, you know, could it be that he just doesn't like them or they have never liked him?

I mean, yeah, like they did forbid their daughter from dating him because he wasn't the right religion.

So I guess it would be reasonable.

Oh, and then one of his students is hot for teacher.

A second beautiful woman throwing herself at him.

Oh, yeah.

He just, you know, he's trying, but you know, he just, he just can't help it that all of the beautiful women throw themselves at him.

Yeah, well, because all of these beautiful women just can't, yeah, exactly, exactly.

It's hard to defend against so many, even when you know kung fu, yeah, right, right.

That leg sweep doesn't

stop everything.

Can you help me get out of this gi made of whipped cream by anybody?

Oh, yeah, right, right.

It's like, can you give me a ride?

Dot, dot, dot, home?

Yeah.

But then we see him, he's getting home to his family, but too late.

The in-laws are already leaving.

He missed the trip.

So unfortunate.

I'm sure that was not intentional.

So, and then we get, so we've seen a bunch of these.

I would imagine this is probably a first for you, Carol, but Heath and I have seen this a thousand fucking times, where Christians have to write a part of their own movie where somebody is complaining about Christians, and they don't know what we complain about them about, right?

It's never these self-righteous pricks or these like hypocrites or anything like that.

It's always going to be something stupid.

So he's like, Why are your parents always so huggy all the time?

I always wanted to hug people and love people so much.

I'm not exaggerating.

He uses the word huggy.

That's what he's mad about.

Okay, I thought this part was kind of accurate.

But usually it's not.

Why are you Christians always so humble?

And why are your penises always such a good size?

You're right, right?

It's never anything that you could possibly reflect on and say, oh, yeah, okay, I can see how that would be irritating to someone that wasn't a part of our community.

No, no, no.

It's, I was a hundred percent perfect, and everything I did was wonderful, and that makes them mad because they hate good things.

Yes, because they hate goodness so much.

Hey, let me tell you something.

As somebody who just recently came back from American Atheist Convention, atheists love to fucking hug.

Okay.

Right.

Turns out that's a thing people do.

It's not like just one religious tradition.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Do y'all have love?

I would be less abusive if I had answers about the universe in a book of some sort.

But I can't find one because I'm an atheist.

If only we knew how to human.

Oh, no.

But yeah, but he yells at her and he's like crazy abusive.

And then she tries to get up to go to church and he throws her down.

It's a very, very uncomfortable scene.

Don't worry, he will apologize to an imaginary carpenter at some point.

So he'll be redeemed for all of this.

But woof, man, it's he threatens to kill her if she leaves him at this point in front of the kids.

The kid's sitting right there.

Yeah.

Oh, and I remember looking up this movie online and I was trying to find like reviews of it and things.

And of course, there are none on any of the places that you would normally go to look for reviews of movies because no like sensible people ever.

No self-respecting person would watch this fucking movie and do a review of it.

Yeah, no, I get it.

I get it.

Right.

But I went onto this one site that was like the producers of this film or something like that where they rate these kind of films.

And rather than rating them on things like, you know,

quality,

they had these other metrics that were like, you know, is it too violent?

You know, is

folder language, et cetera, et cetera.

And it had a marking that was kind of middle of the road for violence.

But then it had a little explanation that was like, there's some violence, but don't worry, none of it is gratuitous.

And it's all, you know, part of a wholesome message.

And I'm watching this and I'm like,

what?

This is like legitimate trigger warning type shit, right?

Like this was very uncomfortable to watch.

Wow.

So Dub, man, the one time Dub actually could have helped a motherfucker out, they they didn't.

Wow.

That was it.

It was Dub that did this thing.

And I'm like, okay, y'all think this is okay for kids.

This is wholesome.

Okay.

Does that say Goldilocks zone for violence?

For domestic violence?

Ah.

You have a little icon for that?

That's inappropriate.

Wow.

So Sharon is packing to leave.

Good.

Which this homicidal movie will decide is not the right answer.

Right.

And so she goes, she leaves, and then we cut to Raul, and he's with a different beautiful woman that no doubt threw herself at him, right?

Yeah, it's nothing he's doing.

It's not him, it's them.

Yes, exactly.

So he's like, hey, why don't you go and check into this Roach motel for us real quick?

I'll be right along.

I just need to make a phone call real quick.

So he calls home and nobody answers.

Straight to murder-suicide plan.

Yep.

No answer immediately escalates to that.

It was to murder.

Like if she had been taken along, shit, he would have shown up at the house.

He would have had the shotgun and he would have been like, oh, right.

Poop.

I forgot about that.

Right.

And like, so his plan is, okay, he flies into this murderous rage because he called and she didn't answer, assuming that she's not at the house.

So where does he go to go and do his murderous deeds?

To the house, to the place where he just confirmed he doesn't think she is located.

The only place he knows she isn't.

Didn't this guy get like combat training?

I mean,

not great.

This is why we lost the war right here.

Right.

I think this might be it.

Toilet paper on your shoe.

How many dicks did you suck in that bathroom to get toilet?

Oh, you were taking a long shit.

You were taking a long shit.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

Well, sorry.

So, but he gets home.

Nobody's there.

So he goes and he gets his shotgun.

This is the part from the beginning, right?

We've caught up with the cold open.

Now, when we we saw this the first time around, we didn't realize that there was like a one-year-old and a four-year-old that lived in this home.

Right.

Where he's just got a shotgun sitting on the ground in a closet and then just fucking the shotgun shells at

a fucking four-year-old eye level in a drawer, in an unlocked drawer.

Yeah, this is safe.

Truly terrifying.

How did anybody live through the 80s?

How did any of us make it through the fucking 80s?

I don't know how any of us are still here.

I truly, I think about this all the time.

How did we survive this long as a species?

I truly do not know.

And I'm an anthropologist.

So, yeah, so he loads his shotgun and then he starts walking back and forth, pacing the living room like he's a fucking video game guard.

Right.

And, but he turns on the TV.

And damn it, if there isn't some Jesus stuff on the TV, y'all.

Okay, the moment of turning on the TV, I laughed at too.

Cause he's like, his plan, he's in a complete insane rage, planning to do a murder suicide of his entire family, right?

With a shotgun.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So he like goes around the house, smashing stuff for a second.

Then he's like, all right, waiting to do the murder suicide.

Could be a while.

Maybe I'll catch a little TV.

They don't have candy

televangelism exposition channel is on.

Yeah, right.

Luckily for us, it wasn't fucking Wheel of fortune, it was the God of the universe redeeming people through the death of his son, which works out great for the plot.

It sure does.

How fortunate that Jimmy Swaggart came on the TV or whoever it was, the guy that sells colloidal silver to people to secure the viruses or something.

Good thing he came on when he did, because if it had been the sham wow guy, this guy would just be, you know, in debt on microfiber towels and sponges at this point.

Those counters would have been just spotless, those vinyl counters, faux vinyl.

It still would have been a good ending.

Yeah, no, right, right, yeah, exactly.

One way or the other, he was redeemed.

Yeah, but then he, so, but he watches the guy talk about God's love, and so now he's going to pray weepily.

Third time, he tries for an act, but not

is it learned in the interim.

God loves me.

I am going to call in the next 10 minutes about the God sham wow things.

And I could use a bucket of dried potatoes.

It's in your wallet, remember?

Yeah, right.

What a callback.

He pulls out a baker bucket.

It was here all along.

Some colloidal silver, yeah.

So, yeah.

But then he asked Jesus, he says, Jesus, make yourself real to me.

And I'm like, can you do that?

Can you pray to God for God to exist?

I don't think you're allowed to do that.

That's like wishing for more wishes or something.

There's got to be a rule against that.

But no.

I mean, there would be if there was a God that existed.

Well, right, right.

Oh, yeah, exactly.

I guess you could pray to God for anything.

It seems so.

Yeah.

So, but then he's like, he's like, I don't want to shoot and kill my family anymore.

So he lays the shotgun down on the ground,

which is just a living room where his kids play.

I mean, you'd think you'd unload it.

But he just lays it down on the ground and he goes out and he's got to go find his wife.

I'm just going to set this down under an anvil that I I have strung up here.

Right.

So, but he's, but now he's got to hunt down the person he threatened to murder earlier in the day and tell her the good news, right?

So he checks the gas station

and the other gas station.

So where else would anyone be?

I don't know.

Seriously, end of list.

He doesn't know either.

Also, why is he on first name basis with everybody at the gas stations?

Like, how much gas are you blowing through back in 1985, right?

Well, that fiat, whatever the fuck.

Oh, yeah, no, that's

through some gas.

That's true.

So, yeah.

But then after he tries both of the gas stations in town, he tries her parents' place and that's where she is because fucking duh.

And so we get this long moment where he's on the porch, like knocking on the door, yelling for her to let him in, and she's like not letting him in.

Yeah.

Yeah, that was probably a good decision.

You would think, right, she's like, God, grant me wisdom.

I'm like, well, you got the fuck out of here and you're not opening the door.

So, like, so far, so good.

Yeah.

Right.

He actually, he's supposed to be like a good guy now, right?

Like, sort of,

he apologized to the inside of his head.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Nonetheless, he is outside of the store and he actually yells through the door.

I could kick through a door with kung fu right now if I want to.

It's well established that my kicks can go through a door.

That's a really good reason to open the door for someone else.

Oh, yes.

Absolutely.

Yeah, right.

Right.

I'm going to kick over it.

No, that doesn't make any sense.

Will you crack it a little bit?

Technically, I think you can be able to kick over it.

Oh,

so

hurt myself real bad.

It's a two-story house.

Oh, God.

If I can't huff and puff that much.

So, but he's like, yeah, he yells that.

And she finally, she opens the door crack and he smiles at her.

He goes, I'm born again.

And she slams the door again.

And I love her for it.

Yes.

Good job, Sharon.

She eventually relents, but her instinct is correct.

God did give her that wisdom.

Yeah.

She just didn't use it.

She did not.

She did not.

No.

The tone shift here from Raoul was insane.

Yeah.

So again, he's supposed to be reborn, but then he yells about kicking through the door.

Finally, she opens the door and it goes from like, okay, he's in murder-suicide mode straight to like, I'm born again.

Like, like you're watching a Mu Dang in a little video is the smile on his face.

Right.

And so, okay, but now it's time for us to see him completely transformed by his faith, right?

So first we see Sharon Sharon waking up, which was a little bit surprising at first.

I thought that we had taken another turn in this film and we were seeing some kind of like a sex scene or something the way she was waking up all like

sexily.

It felt like definitely they cut straight to like, oh, well, he's a born-again Christian and now Sharon is getting some great mouth stuff.

Yeah, right, right.

Sharon is a more generous lover.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, but

I didn't want to inject that.

I'm glad, Kara, that you're the one who broke that one.

Because all of us thought that.

And I was just like, I don't want to sexualize just waking up.

But yes.

I was like, this doesn't track the Christianity is pretty sure it's gay to give your wife mouth stuff.

So I'm pretty sure.

Right.

And turns out that that is not what was happening.

Guys, it's gay to have sex with your wife.

Well, if she enjoys it, yes.

Yeah.

But she goes out and we catch it.

She goes out and he's doing Bible study, early morning Bible study, but he's sitting at the couch, but not on the couch.

He's like, he's crouched down in front of the couch, using the couch like a little table to hold up his Bible.

Why wouldn't you just sit on the couch?

Yeah.

Couches are confusing.

It's hard to use all this furniture.

The house is scary.

The countertops were weird.

We lay down on bathroom floors.

We don't know what we're doing with this furniture.

No, that's true.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah, we've established this.

Yeah.

So, but yeah, but we get a montage and now he's a great dad, right?

He's playing with the kids and he's saying grace and he wants to turn his abusive dad Christian now.

Right.

Because, you know, the only thing that can induce someone to love their kids is suddenly getting Jesus.

People who are not Christians don't care for their children.

It turns out that they hate their fucking kids.

Yep.

Eli hates his fucking kid.

Yeah, I get it.

I get it.

So then, okay, so now he's going to go talk to his alcoholic dad and try to get him to love Jesus.

Right.

We're going to get that scene.

I was so mad.

I was like, oh, he's going to confront his shitty abusive dad.

No, no conversation.

Just sharing the good news about Jesus Christ.

Yep.

The humble carpenter.

Yep.

He goes, he goes, dad, it's, it's kind of hard to explain.

And I'm like, I read a whole C.S.

Lewis book about it.

And yeah, he never managed it.

He's a much better writer than these guys.

And then he apologizes to his dad.

I was so mad.

Oh, my goodness.

It's almost like, well, if only Raul had been a better son, his dad wouldn't have abused his entire family.

Oh, wait, that is actually the opposite of how real life works.

Yeah.

But that's literally what they're doing.

But that's what they're saying.

Right.

Look at the advanced.

He's asking forgiveness from

the abusive debt, like for being too lippy.

He's asking

for forgiveness.

That's the implication for not being a better son, is what he said.

Jesus.

I'm sorry I kicked that chair on the way out.

That one.

Yeah.

Right.

Or should have at least done it more manly.

So then we cut back over to Cobra Kai, right?

Class is getting started, but he has to make an announcement and tell the whole class he's Christian now.

Because this is very relevant to practicing kung fu.

You gotta be the right religion, or you won't know which hell to kick him into, I guess.

Yeah.

He goes, the Bible is the world's number one bestseller.

And I'm like, well, I mean, if you count the people who keep giving it to people who don't want want it, I mean, I don't think that's that's like,

what's his name?

It's like when Trump's son got a bestseller.

No, that doesn't count.

Yeah.

I believe this is a bandwagon fallacy.

Just because a lot of people read this book doesn't mean things that are inside of it are valid.

Yeah, you know what else sold a lot of copies is the fucking secret.

Yeah, right.

Right.

If this is the best.

Selling point you have on this book, I remain unconvinced.

Right.

Yeah.

Also, Christian kung fu is like the theme of his dojo now.

I guess.

Uh-huh.

That's just Jesus getting slapped in the face and then getting slapped in the face and then getting slapped in the face over and over.

Just turning cheeks.

Ehonda's like, I love this guy.

Yeah.

Right.

So,

but oh, and then he's like, Sharon is in our class now, too, my lovely wife.

And the side chick, the one that was throwing herself at him earlier, she gives him the fucking distracted boyfriend meme look at this point, which was lovely.

But apparently now it's it's kung fu class, but if you stick around afterwards, there's Bible study.

Yeah, and you gotta wonder, are they charging for that?

Are the students having to pay extra now?

Because I bet

that is not what they signed up for.

Yeah,

in some states, you have to pay for that.

I think the law is like Oklahoma.

You have to pay for this part.

Yeah, the Supreme Court's going to make us all pay for that pretty soon.

By the time this episode comes out, maybe.

Cool.

So then we cut to him pulling up at his old high school, right?

He's there to see his principal.

And there's a great moment where the secretary realizes who he is and like she jumps back from him.

I'm like, yeah, well, you know,

he earned it.

Yeah, he just shows up and he's like, yeah, I'd like to,

I'd like to tie up a loose end in my character arc.

Is the principal here?

Yeah, right, right.

Apparently getting born again is like a 12-step program and you got to go do some stuff like this.

Right, right, exactly.

Because he's like, hey, principal, I know I was a tough guy back in the day, but I found Jesus.

Is it okay if I just go and tell all the kids which religion to be in your public school?

And they agree.

And he's like, well, yeah.

Yeah.

Obviously, that's fine.

Let the wife beat her Christianize the public school kids, obviously.

We got to Sharon real quick, praying that he'll do a good job Christianizing all the public school kids, right?

Right, because he needs so much encouragement.

He needs supernatural powers to go talk to people at the school where he has already been many times previously and has had zero issue running his mouth to anybody he wanted to before.

And now he needs supernatural help to do this.

Okay.

Raul needs help with a really good First Amendment violation.

We need to

violate the shit out of there.

For this to work out.

So, yeah.

So that it's so, but then it's not even like they don't even like bring the kids in for an assembly.

He just goes out into the quad and starts yelling a sermon at all the kids.

It's so good.

He's doing the cool guy thing, right?

It's like, yo, listen up.

I'm a ruffian just like you, rap scallions, but for Christ.

And

he gets so excited.

Where is Officer John when we need him?

Yeah.

There is a random dude yelling at kids in the courtyard at the school.

Like, Officer John, it's your moment to shine.

Right.

Nowhere to be found.

So good.

There's this.

I love this.

This is such a silly moment to focus in on, but he goes, like, look, I know what it's like to have troubles.

You have troubles with school, with parents, with drugs.

And when he says with drugs, they close up on one girl who's like,

what?

You know, let's just wait.

Why?

It's not a drug problem.

I don't.

It's more of a solution.

But yeah, this big like finale message that they're getting to, this is the the beginning of it, is like he gets

Jesus got Riz.

Skibbity fire, no cap.

Yes, yes.

He goes, you know, come on, who's man enough or woman enough to follow Jesus?

What are you guys, a bunch of chickens?

And that motivates like 90% of the kids.

Well, they're like, wow, I want to change religions.

Now, first of all, like, most of those kids would just be fucking Christian.

They'd be like, yeah, man, it's the 80s in America.

Right?

Right.

Obviously, that's our religion.

right i i love how they act like they're they're letting people know about jesus for the first time like dude every everyone here knows about jesus right yeah even the hindu kid they do this in so many movies this is like a big trope of like wait i'm sorry just say say it back one minute i'm gonna write it down jesus christ

christ christ christ christ jesus christ i got it i got it yeah so but yeah but and then the principal watches out the window he's like wow he really did make Christians out of all of those kids.

Who were, you know, Buddhist before this.

Right.

Yes.

Yeah.

A bunch of heathens and Muslims out there before.

God damn, he's good.

He's got Riz.

That son of a bitch did it.

All right.

So, and now we're in some different room where he's sharing the gospel with different people.

And Officer John's like, hey, I wonder what's going on late that night at this kung fu studio on my route.

I should hop in and check it out.

Right.

So he steps in and Raul is doing his little sermon.

And he goes, there's this amazing moment where he goes, you know, before I found Jesus, I used to cheat on my wife all the time.

And we cut to Sharon looking like she's hearing this for the first time and trying to be cool about it.

It's rough.

Right.

Yeah.

Everybody cringes.

And then very next sentence from Raul, I was going to do a murder, suicide, and my family.

I should also add that.

And then, like, this crowd of extras has to try to cringe harder in the act notes.

Yeah.

Right.

And that's impossible.

So they've been cringing the whole time they've been involved in this film.

Hey, guys, as soon as I saw your jacket, I cringed.

Okay.

It's a

cultural appropriation to anyone.

But then, and then he's like, he's telling this whole story.

He's like, but I was about to murder my wife.

And then I turned on the TV.

And luckily, it was not a Sham Wow commercial.

It was, it was Jesus.

Right?

It's a miracle.

And he also, he describes in in his little sermon, he describes Jesus as, quote, the central figure of the human race.

I would love to know how we have determined that.

Right?

What do you mean by that?

I don't feel like China got a vote.

Like median?

Right.

So powerfully split time in half.

All right.

He's average.

He's the fucking Peoria of humans.

I don't know.

Whatever.

Okay.

But then he's like, you know, but Jesus is you and you should be Jesus.

And who wants to come up and do an altar call?

Right.

And then we see that in the back of this room is abuse dad.

Yeah.

Who had also never heard of Jesus before this day.

Yep, apparently not.

Yeah.

And we get to watch Raul be like, damn, do the altar call.

Go.

Come on.

But he does.

Dad eventually gets up.

Yep.

And Raul hugs him, even though he doesn't like huggy people.

And everybody's like, is that his dad or is this a gay thing?

It's the 80s.

This matters, right?

It's just a big hug with abusive dad.

I was like, please sweep the leg.

Sweep the leg.

Yes.

That's right.

We've been trained to be a bad person.

Sweep the leg.

This is the greatest ending of all time.

That would have made this whole movie worthwhile.

Oh, I don't know about worthwhile, but it would have been really fucking good.

Yeah, right?

So then a title card comes up and it goes, Raul Reese is now a minister minister helping troubled teenagers in Southern California.

His congregation has grown to several thousand.

God,

that's actually real.

And I'm like, but that's it?

Why make a movie a couple thousand?

Whatever.

That's nothing.

I hate it so much.

We may make a movie about our podcast.

We got more than a couple thousand.

Yeah, it's a fair question.

Like, also, I'm wondering, how did he not get arrested after this testimony?

I mean,

this is the confession confession that Officer John has been waiting for this entire time.

He's finally got him.

Oh, you're right.

He's like busted.

If Officer John comes in, sweeps the leg, cuffs him.

Oh, so good.

Oh, right.

He sweeps dad's leg and then Officer John comes in.

It's for the wife beating thing.

That's still illegal.

If you did, tell Jesus you're sorry.

Right.

You're still both going to jail.

Right.

Yeah, exactly.

Both for beating your wives.

And then fucking Porky Pig.

That's all, folks.

Yeah, I love it.

Yeah.

I love it.

He's an actual kung fu pastor now.

He is.

In real life.

And he act, I looked him up.

I found a couple pictures,

an early one.

So it was like how it started, how it's going.

Yeah, right.

You can see why the ladies were throwing themselves at him.

It's not great.

He's, he's doing like a big crouchy thing with Psy because he thinks he's Raphael.

And it's, he's, you know, he's 30 or whatever.

And then

he's much more of a Donazello.

The other picture I found was him on the cover of Real Kung Fu Magazine.

Not Kung Fu Magazine, Real Kung Fucka.

On the Facebook Kung Fu Magazine.

No, no, that's a different publisher.

And now he is 70 and he's not crouching down.

He's doing

holding a sword as best he can.

Yeah, down.

He's holding it down.

Yes, exactly.

It's got a little bit of back pain, it looks like.

Yeah, he's doing this.

I found an actual video of him doing like two minutes of highlights of him actually doing wrist control, like a Steven Seagal video.

It's fantastic.

Yep.

Yep.

He does wrist control and elbow control.

There's a sword bit at the end.

We'll share.

I will have Tim share it on all our stuff.

So, all right.

Well, I have to say, nothing about the experience of watching this movie was fun, except getting to hang out with you at the end of it, Carol.

So thank you so much for suffering alongside us this week.

Well, thanks for having me.

This was a lot of fun despite having to watch this movie.

It's okay.

I think it all came out in the wash, and this has been a great time.

Awesome.

Awesome.

And A, if you don't mind, could you remind our listeners where they can go if they'd like to hear some more from you?

Absolutely.

So you can find me over at Recovering from Religion.

Just check us out at recoveringfromreligion.org.

And you can join us every Monday night at 7 p.m.

Central Time for our podcast, RFRX.

It's live.

You can join via the link to the Zoom meeting.

Yeah, we're still on Zoom.

We're working on it.

But just go straight to our website and you can find us there.

All right.

And of course, you'll find that website linked on the show notes as well.

And well, that's going to do it for our review of Fury to Freedom.

That's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to tantalize you for the next one.

So, Heath, tell us what's on deck.

Lucy just left a locked psych ward.

Kimmy is a Ugandan immigrant.

Both teenagers begin college full of promise, but quickly succumb to a mysterious mental health crisis that threatens an entire generation.

Based on the New York Times best-selling book, we're going to be watching the coddling of the American Mind.

Oh my fucking God, it's the woke mind fire assistant.

It sure is.

Jesus goddamn Christ.

All right.

So with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 505 to a merciful close.

Once again, a huge thanks to Carol Griffin for all their help.

Be sure to check out the show notes for links to their show and to Recovering from Religion in just general.

They're an awesome charity.

And an at least equally huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go.

If you'd like to cut yourself among their ranks, you can make make a per episode donation at patreon.com/slash Godawful, and thereby earn only access to an ad-free version of every episode.

You can also help out a ton by leaving a five-star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms.

And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our siblings shows the Scandal Gay Citation Dated TD Minus and the Scapper Cut, available wherever podcasts live.

If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can get GodAfflamLeavesgmail.com.

Tim Robertson takes care of our social media.

Our Theme Song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnick and Vivalda's on Mars.

All the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morgan Clark, and was used with permission.

Thanks again for giving us a check of your life this week for Heath Enright, Neli Busting.

I'm no illusion's promise to work hard to earn another check next week.

Until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club close.

Without Raul's amazing kung fu,

the U.S.

went on to lose really bad in Vietnam.

Is that what happened?

Sharon later revealed that none of the kids were Raul's.

This did not come as a surprise to anyone, given the Thai wife.

Well, yeah, right.

No, right.

He was only in that class for a couple of days.

Raul went on to still hit his wife.

Guarantee it.

I do too.

Sorry, it's just, I don't want to end on a down note, but that's how it's going to end.

That's how it goes.

This content is canned-credentialed, which means you can report instances of harassment, abuse, or other harm at their hotline at 617-249-4255 or on their website at creatoraccountability network.org.

The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle in the Thunderstorm LLC, Copyright 2025, all rights reserved.

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