504: Night Cries

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I just had a realization and let me let me throw this at y'all.

Are night cries just another name for nocturnal omission?

Certainly more relevant to the movie than anything else.

Night cries.

Like, honestly, I spent so much time trying to figure out how the fuck that name fit to this movie.

That's better than anything I came up with.

So I'm going to give it to you, sir.

My pee-pee does nightcry-awful

movie.

Movie,

welcome back to the Gamcast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian Cinema because all the easy jobs in podcasting require being a transphobic piece of shit.

I'm your host, Noah Illusions.

Heath is off this week, but sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnick.

Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir?

Fantastic, Noah.

Trans Lives Matter, and this is our 504th batshit insane movie.

We hope that too.

And we're also excited to welcome back returning guest masochist Alan and Katie from the Werewolf Ambulance Podcast.

Katie, Alan, welcome back.

Hi, guys.

Thanks for watching.

Thanks for having us.

Now, you have been on the show before, but I've never been on with you.

This is our our first movie together.

It's true.

It sure is.

Very excited.

We thought you were purposefully avoiding us.

Okay.

You're right.

Well, it's funny because, like, we were in a situation where one of us had to take the week off this week, or not had to, but could.

And Heath and Eli were like, Well, Noah, do you want the week off?

You know, and I'm just like, no, man, Katie now are going to think I fucking hate him.

Yeah, I know.

I think you're fucking your Facebook history, searching for his name.

Yeah, right.

I think Alan described it as third time's a choice.

All right.

So tell us, Katie, what will we be breaking down today?

We watched Night Cries.

It's the story of being dead, but still having to cosplay as a barbarian princess for your husband's weird kinks.

Yup, sure is.

You say have to instead of getting to, Katie.

And I feel the judgment already.

I don't want to start the podcast.

I don't mean to kink shave.

One of these people is in heaven.

One of these people is in hell.

They're in the same place.

And they're both horny.

And they're both so horny and alan how bad was this movie it was surprising christian boobs bad uh-huh which is good or bad

am i bad

the journey of watching this film yeah right yeah

all right so is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at I would like to nominate this for being the best worst, ruining someone's whole fucking weekend by showing up at their front door to talk to them about their painful misfortunes.

Oh my God.

Sure.

I don't understand this and I don't like it.

This was, that was genuinely one of the most incongruent scenes in the history of god-awful movies.

Yeah.

Wow.

Maybe cinema.

Yes.

Well, right.

Well, that goes without saying, right?

That puts us high in the running if it's the weirdest one in camp.

All right.

So I was going to go with best, worst, obstructed nudity.

Right.

So the star of this show is the lead character's breasts, right?

And for obvious reasons, they're fabulous.

They're huge.

They're comically large, right?

That's the first time I saw them.

It's a good way.

Well, yeah, right.

I don't think so.

The bad way.

All tits are good tits.

Sometimes you see boobs so big that you're like, oh, your back hurts.

But these ones, you're just like, hey, God nailed it.

First try.

No, no, God did not nail that.

Those boobs.

No.

No.

God made the guy that made those boobs.

Plastic surgeon and Omahonda.

Bernie Schwartz Meyer.

Yeah, right, right.

Plastic surgeon.

But okay, but here's the thing, though, is that eventually they just, they're just like, hey, look, there's the boobs that you've been wanting to see all the movie.

But for the first like two-thirds of this movie, they keep doing like obstructed nudity with her.

Yes.

But missing.

Right.

But you'll just be like, no, but I saw the nipple.

I could see the nipple, guys.

It was just at the very bottom of the screen.

That's all.

I think the original goal of this film was obstructed nudity and side boob.

And then they watched the dailies enough times where the husband was like, hon, I'm really trying, but it's so heavy and my camera dipped.

And she's like, fine, I want to put my boobs in the movie.

We got to thank Dr.

Schwartzmeyer, though, now.

We got to thank him.

We got to put a little shout out.

And then titty Rebecca just isn't going to put them away anyway.

So why not just get to her in this scene?

Yeah.

Right.

I'm here too.

I nominate this movie for being the best at naming a bad guy.

Oh, my God.

So the thing is, is that it's just been a running joke on this show since its inception that when Eli can't think of a thing to name something, he just goes, hats.

Yep.

Just keep that in mind.

That has been a joke for 503 episodes and countings.

Wow.

So much so that when I was watching the movie, I had to pause and genuinely consider whether or not the movie was referencing me.

Yeah, right, right.

The timing doesn't work out, but yes.

Right, exactly.

Yeah, I was like, well, okay, no, no, they came first.

All right, they came first.

And I am going to take the easy one.

I'm going to go with best, worst casting.

So, as you saw when you IMDb'd this film, or if you watched along with us, the villain of this film is played by improv comedian and whose line is it anyway, cast member, Colin Mockery.

And I know what you're thinking.

Does Colin Mockery break out of his box and show us the evil, twisted side of the actor we never got to see on daytime television?

No, he does not.

He plays this part like a polite improviser who has been given a bad setup and is collectively but supportively knowing that setup.

I looked at his Wikipedia page to be like, did he get into some tax problems and had to do this?

Is he married to Boob's Lady?

Is he married to Boob's Lady?

Is he a shithead?

He seems like a lovely man.

He's the best.

He seems like he is a supporter of a transgender child and he does work for LGBTQ charities.

What the fuck?

How did he end up in this movie?

The story of Colin Mockri winding up in this movie is so much more interesting than the story of this movie, right?

So much more.

Yes.

I need to know everything.

I would watch a movie about that.

I want to know what his experience was like.

Yeah.

Colin, reach out to us, babe.

Sure, sure.

We'll have you.

All right.

Well, our our best worst selection probably has the audience who hasn't watched this movie confused as fuck as to how this is all going to fit together.

We've got what?

We've got boobs, a miscarriage, a guy named The Hat, and Colin Mockery.

So we're going to get the break brief.

And when we come back, we'll dive into all the boobful nonsense that is

night cries.

All right.

You guys ready to do ads?

Yeah.

Katie, before we start.

What's up?

Look, we don't want to make Alan feel bad, but have you ever seen the tentacle man?

You mean the thing where Alan stands on your lawn screaming, I am the tentacle man, at like two o'clock in the morning?

Yes, exactly.

Very much that.

Yeah.

Big time.

Okay, how do you make him stop?

I don't think you can.

He's very strong.

Yeah.

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All right, guys.

Thanks.

Oh, boys,

it's the Tentacle Man.

Seriously, it's not even nighttime.

Sometimes he likes to squeeze one out during the day.

Damn it.

Tentacle Man!

Hey, Frank, Steve, Brittany.

Oh, hey, what's up, Craig?

Okay, Okay, so

I just want to apologize for the other night.

Yeah.

It was my first time doing Salvia, and I don't know where I read on the internet that if you have a bad trip on Salvia, the right thing to do is to do 11 more hits.

We tried to tell you that.

No, you did.

You did.

But of course, by that point, I had found...

That 10-screen mashup of TV from 2005 on YouTube and was watching five screens with each eye.

And screaming.

Screaming, yeah.

So anyway, so I just, I wanted to apologize to everyone and that monkey.

But on the bright side, I wrote down sort of my lived experience as a screenplay and I'd like to make it into a movie.

Here, check it out.

Does Colin Mockery have to play the villain?

That is non-negotiable, yes.

Got it.

And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to open up on this silly fucking cowboy imagery with nonsense words over it that they're going to use at the beginning and the end and to like to make it seem like the movie was complex or something.

I don't know.

Yeah.

This is also where we get introduced to my second favorite set of costumes in the movie, which is the main character's duster.

Right.

So this guy, I'm guessing this guy is three and a half feet tall.

Yep.

And he's doing a Tom Cruise throughout most of the movie.

But the way you could tell he's doing a Tom Cruise is because this Duster is like my son wearing my bathrobe.

He will be in a

comic ball gown of cowboy duster throughout the entire film.

I just wanted to mention it up here at the top.

He looks like he was like a like he was a full-sized cowboy when he started across the desert, but things didn't go well.

Yeah.

I don't know, y'all.

He looks pretty cool.

You think?

I keep waiting for him to trip over the hem.

Yeah, right.

I refer to him only as Duster Daddy in all of my daddy.

That was my high school nickname.

Well, there you go.

And of course, this is the film's writer and director, Andrew Symek.

He's the genius behind all of this.

If you're thinking to yourself, wow, why didn't they cast a lead man that was remotely in the same league as the lead woman they cast?

It's because it's the writer and director.

Has he done any other movies that you guys have covered?

No, no.

I looked at his filmography.

I mean, I think we're going to do all of them eventually.

Oh, okay.

All right.

All right.

Such is our curse.

Yeah.

One of the reviews for this movie that I read was like, I used to work with Andrew at Canadian Tire, and he's a really nice guy, 10 hours off.

Yeah.

Oh, that's amazing.

All right.

So, but yeah, so, but we get these nonsense words about what do you dream about?

Oh, I mostly dream boring clichés anyway.

And then we see this guy, and he's like, We think he's an old-timey guy because he might as well be writing with a fucking feather and a fucking jar of ink, right?

The guy with his quill.

Yeah, he's writing a Madea Sarah letter.

My dear Sarah.

I've been on the front of the Civil War for many decades now.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, he's writing a fucking Ken Burns letter in the movie.

So, but we cut from that to this woman dressed as Xena running from a demon.

Right.

And I'm like, wow, cowboy in a sunset straight to forest demon chasing Xena is one hell of a transition.

Now, when Noah says Xena, I don't want anyone to think like authentic armor.

I do need you to think Lululemon leisure wear.

Yes.

That's very, you do need to be aware that athleisure is the costuming.

The armor isn't as authentic as it was in Xena.

You're right, though.

Yep.

And I can announce very proudly, for those of you who are interested, this is a character whose tum-tum will never be covered in the entire film.

Nor will her cleavage.

There's a point later in this movie where she's like in like a Jedi cloak.

kind of a situation, but they still have it cracked open enough to where we can see her tum-tum and her cleavage.

I wish turtleneck wouldn't hide that cleavage.

It is spectaculous.

Well, that's true.

She's serving pussycat dolls, if you all remember that abomination.

Yes.

Oh, very good.

I'm certain that this movie was 2003 based on how low-rise her pants were.

And when I looked it up and saw that it was 2015, I was stunned.

Yeah, her ass cracks, ass cracks.

And this is also one of those, like, so she's running from the demon.

And this is clearly one of those situations where it's like...

An actress has been asked to run and hasn't actually done that since middle school, right?

They're like, run across that field.

She's like, fucking what?

But she does, gives it her best.

It's far.

I had to look.

This is where I first wrote in the in my notes: her boobs are comically large.

I looked her up.

Her previous roles include brunette, curvy brunette, and hot young girl.

Oh, God.

Yeah, right.

Was she?

Was she ever in adult films, or is that just a coincidence?

They don't put that on IMDb, I don't think.

But I

know, but I will pull our podcast to a screeching halt to watch anything she is finished.

Well, so, okay, so she hides herself in a, in a school bus.

She comes along an abandoned school bus and she's like, oh, if I pull the door closed, there's no way the demon can get through that.

Right.

So she's hiding there when suddenly the cowboy comes in and saves her with a grappling gun.

And I'm like, did I accidentally wander into God-awesome movies instead?

Did I make a left where I normally make a right?

Holy shit.

And it should be said that the demon is like a competent season three Buffy the Vampire Slayer demon.

Yeah,

right.

And they can tell it doesn't look that great, so they don't linger on it.

No hanging on.

He is, however, being shot in the daylight when I feel like demons probably shouldn't be able to chase you, but that's, I'm not going to horn is so you can see everything.

That's a nighttime horn.

So he rescues the girl.

But the demon gets away.

It is chasing him.

And suddenly a soldier shoots it from a distance, like soldier with a sniper rifle.

Audience, you think I'm leaving shit out.

You're thinking, well, you didn't even introduce the fucking soldier, but no.

No.

No.

This is just the movie as it fucking happened to us.

We never see him again.

Never see him.

No, not once.

Chiajo wanna dumb.

We will watch him go over and be like, hey, thanks.

You saved my life a bunch of times.

And the soldier's like,

and wanders out of the film, never to enter again.

Well, this is where I develop my theory that everyone in this film was costumed by a 13-year-old boy, right?

Because we've got cowboys, soldier, and boobs so far, right?

It's it, well, and demon costume.

It's, I am still certain of that now.

Yeah, no, to be fair, I feel like if you got the 13-year-old boy who went with cowboy soldier boobs and then presented him with Colin Mockri, that child's answer would be

hat.

Hat, yeah, yeah,

yeah.

This felt like a weird, like modern day RPG.

Like, I'm gonna be a cowboy.

I'm gonna be a soldier, I'm gonna have my tickets in the wind.

Yeah.

So,

yeah.

So, but the cowboy tells her, he's like, wait here.

I got to thank the soldier who we'll never see again.

And, and she,

her character's name is Sarah.

She goes, you're not my real dad.

He goes, calm the fuck down.

I just saved you from a demon.

And she's like, right.

No, you're right.

You did.

You are Duster Daddy.

You are, after all.

So the soldier leaves to never be seen again.

And then they wander through the woods a bit because that's the easiest thing to make look post-apocalyptic.

Yum.

And then they find an old barn because that's the second easiest thing to make look post-apocalyptic.

He steps into the corner to have a whisper fight with himself.

That will pay off in the craziest fucking possible way.

She's not going to see it coming.

So it looks for all the world like he's talking to his penis.

100%.

If he had been talking to his penis, it would have been less weird of a reveal.

So much less disturbing.

If I started talking to my penis as a fit hope of the podcast right now, it would be less weird than the reveal of this movie.

Yeah.

The reveal is, I've been Eli's penis.

Yeah, right.

I see dead penises.

That's why Alan's the ambulance.

Because he can cure your Lyme disease.

I get it.

So, but then the Cowboy's like, so I'm going to go find a generator and turn the lights on.

And they're like, yeah, when demons are coming after you, it's probably good to be.

very well lit.

Yeah, he looks at the light fixtures and he goes, they had lights, which means they might have power, but like, or they had lights because there's an apocalypse.

There was an apocalypse, right?

Yeah, everybody had lights at one point.

But he goes to the basement of the barn to look for some.

And they've got this weird moment where like they're trying to make the barn seem creepy, but it's broad daylight and there's no music.

So it's just a guy very slowly walking through a barn.

Yep.

So that goes on for a while.

And then like a demon voice comes up and goes, you don't belong here.

And then he gets knocked down by a sudden close-up.

Yeah.

Sucker punched by a dementor, the Eli Bosnik story.

Yes.

I refer to it as a bushy shadow.

Yeah, there you go.

Yeah, a pushy shadow.

Pretty close to what they refer to it too, actually.

Yeah, that would have been a less stupid name to give it.

Yeah.

But the good news is, is that when he comes to, he's found the generator and it's all fueled up.

So he lights things up.

But as soon as he does, he hears Sarah screaming upstairs.

She screams and just stands there.

No, no movement.

Just a standing scream.

Yeah.

So she's found a couple of dead bodies because they had some pretty cool dead bodies and they were going to get some use out of those dead bodies.

Yeah.

And he's like, they're not going to hurt you.

They're dead.

And she's like, yeah, man, but like.

Still spooky to walk into a room and fight.

Yeah, right.

It's a whole family of dead people and their dead cat.

And you fucking took out the cat.

Yeah.

But he's also like, do you want me to move him?

And she goes, yeah, duster dad.

Will you move it for me?

She looks at him tenderly, which I find repulsive.

Yeah, no, it had real, the dog's already on my lap and I need a refill in my water vine.

We haven't mentioned this yet, but she also has tattoos all over her arms and chest that look like she just fell onto a wet page of flash art and then stood up.

But then I realized later that they're all like H's and A's and

possibly T's.

I don't know.

Hat, hat, hat, hat, hat.

So, yeah, those tattoos are going to pay off in the best possible way.

So, the cowboy goes outside to bury the skeletons.

There's another skeleton crucified outside, and he has this weird conversation with the crucified skeleton that, like, it desperately is saying, no, there's more to this movie just below the surface.

You just, you don't, you just don't get it.

It's actually quite complex.

I went into a Heath Enright fugue state here.

So, you know how sometimes Heath will be bored in a movie, and so he'll create an insane plot point and then fix on it for the rest of the movie, and he has to be like, No, man, the cat couldn't talk.

That was a character from another room.

Okay, this was my Heath Enright moment, which is that I thought

he didn't find a body outside.

He had like done that with one of the corpses.

I thought that too.

I thought that too.

So, I spent the rest of the movie being like, Yeah, but why did he use that body as a scarecrow?

That's such a weird choice to take a dead body.

He didn't.

Who did?

That's the thing is that he comes out and he's like, you're going to be like the scarecrow dead body, though.

I'm going to bury everybody else, but you're going to scare off the demons because they'll think, man, those motherfuckers are crazy.

They crucify him, bitches, in there.

I guess, right?

The monsters will think that.

I guess.

I don't know.

Why else would he not bury the crucified one?

The implications that statement has about

that the monsters are self-preserving is baffling.

Yeah.

This tenuous sweater of a movie cannot be tugged at in any direction.

No, you're right.

Speaking of tenuous sweater, so he goes back inside.

Thank you for that setup.

And

Sarah has now changed into her night panties and her night sweater, right?

She's got a flash dance.

Yeah, right.

Well, her flash dance sweater.

It's just off both shoulders being held on entirely by her boobs.

Not how shirts work.

You know.

Look, no.

Podcast listener.

I mean, you should watch this movie because it's fun to jerk off to, A, but B,

it will be impossible to, it is impossible for us to communicate to you how a hard breeze is going to take this woman's midriff sweater off for the rest of the film.

Yes.

Yeah.

Well, she'll be back in the Xena outfit pretty soon, too.

But yeah, I just had a realization.

And

let me throw this at y'all.

Are night cries just another name for nocturnal omission?

Certainly more relevant to the movie than anything else.

Night cries.

Like, honestly, I spent so much time trying to figure out how the fuck that name fit to this movie.

That's the bet.

That's better than anything I came up with.

So I'm going to give it to you, sir.

My pee-pee does night cries.

so at this point like so she he'd made some comment about you know you're going to need my help while you recover your memories or something earlier so he comes in and she goes how did you know my memories were like i i had lost my memories he goes we're not at the part of the movie where i reveal how i know that yet

he gang he gang

Why aren't we at the part of the movie where he revealed that

really?

Because it could just be, you could just reveal it and then we would all know and we could move on with the stupid fucking movie.

Of what benefit is his secrecy in this film?

I don't know.

He's playing this like a very aloof, mysterious cowboy.

But then when we get to know him, he's just kind of like a sniffling idiot.

It doesn't seem like he's got a ton of self-control.

I think it's that he can't act and his true self bleeds through eventually.

He's working on negging right now.

He's been watching a lot of Andrew Taylor.

Oh, okay.

There we go.

Every since 2015, sure.

So, but then she suddenly starts to remember, do not go quietly into that good night.

Yeah.

Because, again, this movie is just desperately trying to be like, no, I am intellectual.

Damn it.

That's Dylan Thomas.

I know that.

I knew that.

But it's the wrong part of the poem.

So it's just like...

It is.

Over fallen fields and foxes of your a Scottish man stand no more.

And he's like, what?

And she's like, it's Dylan Thomas mostly wrote about his country.

So

actually wrote very little about his dad.

But she remembers now that she was a teacher and her name was Sarah.

Doesn't fucking matter.

And it's a big reveal.

We don't care.

Yeah, right.

No, he's all right.

It's like, well, we actually already knew that because we have the subtitles on and it just says Sarah in front of your lines.

So

this movie is like watching a group play their 200th DD section.

Oh my God, in so many fucking ways.

Because like, well, okay, we're going to get to this goddamn reveal right here.

So she falls asleep.

Sarah falls asleep.

And then there's a voice in Joseph.

The cowboy's name is Joseph.

There's a voice in Joseph's saddlebag.

And it's like, finally, she's asleep.

I thought she was going to drone on forever.

And for all the world, I thought it was the saddlebag.

Come on.

Talking, swearing, saddlebag, sidekick, favorite movie.

Right.

Well, it's not like the reveal was worse because then she hears him talking and she comes in and she's like, what the hell is going on here?

And it turns out that he has a talking doll in his saddlebags.

Yep.

I

could not have laughed harder.

The doll talks like that episode of the X-Files where Scully's boyfriend has the talking tattoo.

Right.

Yep.

Well, yeah, especially because when she sees the doll, the doll turns to her and goes.

the fuck are you looking at yes she's a pot huff foul-mouthed doll which i love i'm here for this this dude that doll right he without Without a doubt.

Absolutely fuck that doll.

100%.

They have a very sexual relationship.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

No, she doesn't normally stay in the saddlebags, if you know what I mean.

So,

right, but so, but Sarah freaks out, right?

And they're like, hey, whatever you do, don't scream really loud, alert the monsters, and then run out into the darkness.

So she screams really loud, alerts the monsters, and runs out into the darkness, right?

She gets eight fucking feet out the door, and some post-apocalypse guy shows up with shit covered all over his face and accosts her.

It's so funny.

It's too soon, right?

It's badly shot.

So, one of the things that's interesting about this movie is like the CGI is good, the budgeting is weirdly good.

There are moments where the stunts are good, but it was shot by someone who just never took a film class.

So, again, she makes it two steps out of the barn before the mutant grabs her, which means she had to look at the mutant and then turn around

so he could sneak up behind her.

But as he's accosting her joseph shows up the the cowboy shows up and he's like i'll kill you if you don't let her go and he doesn't let her go so he kills him right that woman means a lot to me but i shall not tell her why yeah not yet it's still act one and we don't have much right and we see that he has the same tattoos that she has oh right yes that's it yeah we do see that at this point he's got the same weird H's and A's around his shoulder blades too.

And so he shoots the guy and she's and he's like, come back in to the barn.

And she goes, How can I trust you?

And I'm like,

Well, he saved you from a fucking demon and he saved you from a guy with shit all over his face.

He's killed three different times for you.

He didn't take advantage of you when you were asleep.

In front of me, like, he has the same tattoos as you.

Like, there's a lot going in the trust him column at this point, right?

Yeah, he didn't even listen to the doll when the doll talked shit about you.

I don't really know why you're suspicious at this point.

So they go back in the barn.

The doll's pissed, right?

So to get her to trust him, he gives her the gun.

He's like, here, now you have the gun.

You can trust me.

And so immediately she like holds the gun on him and she's like, tell me the fucking premise.

Yes.

At this point, I wrote in my notes, you tell me what's happening in this movie or I'll shoot you.

Yeah.

And also, the doll is pissed because Sarah has been eating her food because the doll needs substance.

The doll eats tuna fish?

What is going on in this fucking movie?

She also tells her to drop that whole bitch bitch attitude.

She does.

Yeah, right, right.

So, like, I, the movie clearly wanted a spin-off with the doll story, and I did too.

Yeah, definitely.

Sure, Caitlin rules.

Yeah.

Caitlin is the doll.

Yes, thank you.

We got to establish that.

She'll be a big part of the movie going forward.

So, except for the hour where she is right, right, which is the worst hour of the film.

So, Sarah says, like, who am I to you?

And he goes, Everything.

You're everything to me.

And then we're like, I think she means just specific relationship or whatever.

She says at this point, I've never met you.

And I'm like, you know, you don't have memories.

Right.

We've established that you know this,

but she remembers suddenly that he is her husband and he's braved death to find her.

Also, I want to be very clear that she has now been attacked by several people in a post-apocalyptic wasteland and there's a talking doll and she's like, but why do you like me?

Like, that's not my poor fucking question right now.

Right, right.

And he's like, what the hell is that thing?

It's mostly mostly the boobs.

I mean, I was

like, yeah,

but he's also like, you remember house?

You remember house?

You remember beautiful gray kitties?

Oh my god,

it's a Russian blue.

They're so affectionate.

Those pets, those pants.

He goes,

you remember our house?

And we see a little flashback.

And she goes, yes.

And he goes, do you remember the rain?

And she's like, do you mean the concept?

Yes.

Generally, just in general.

It was raining earlier in this world, too, you dumbass.

In the the bus scene, it was raining.

Yes, I remember.

You remember bikes?

Yeah, right.

Do you remember up?

Like, what the fuck are you talking about?

And all of the flashback imagery looks just like, it's a cologne ad, basically.

Yes, idiots, right?

All of the her in the snow with the low fucking dress and shit.

Yes, absolutely.

Do you remember the movie?

Anger management.

Jack Nicholson.

So, yeah, so, but she runs into his arms and I'm like, oh, okay, well, this movie's over.

Now she remembers dying of cancer.

And I wrote, well, not a Christian movie until somebody dies of cancer is it?

Yeah.

She goes, where are we?

And I wrote the stupidest imaginable fucking place.

Yep.

But then we get like a set.

It's a new scene, but it's just a continuation of the last conversation because the person didn't know anything at all about filmmaking.

Right.

But she wants to know more about her backstory.

So he tells her about her cancer.

But only lightly, because this movie keeps asking questions and then not answering them.

Like she's talking about Margaret.

And I think, well, who is Margaret?

No, we won't find out.

Right.

No, certainly there will be some reason why the movie just grinds to a fucking halt for her to talk about her friend Margaret, right?

No.

So they're talking and then they have a flashback to her deathbed, right?

Yes.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

So they're in the deathbed and she asks about Margaret.

Don't worry, that'll never matter.

And then she like looks at him and she's like, you have to save me from the monster dimension.

And he's like, Um,

can we get a little more morphine in here?

I'm sure she's not getting enough morphine if there's a monster.

So, yeah, at this point, I thought she had nightmare cancer, yeah, which I then decided is a very good band name.

That is, yeah,

fuck yeah, fuck podcasting.

Let's start a band.

If I was gonna say podcasting doesn't work out, we are nightmare cancer, one, two, three, four.

So, okay, so all right, all right, it's the same thing.

Maybe I play the puzzle, yeah,

how dare you in public?

Not in front of the listener.

Keep that secret shame off the podcast.

Not my humanity.

So, okay, so, but then he's like, and then you died the next morning right after that flashback.

And she goes, oh, okay, what's your backstory?

He goes, I'm going to keep it vague, act one.

And she goes, okay, what's the tattoo's backstory?

And he goes, they bind us together.

And she's like, oh, okay.

No follow-ups.

That was just, we're, okay, you answered that.

Cool.

Are they going to be revealed to be the creepiest part of this fucking movie?

And I'm including Colin Mockery raping someone?

They are.

They are going to be the creepiest part of the movie.

But this whole conversation also appears to be set up as post-coidal.

Like she's laying in his arms with her flashdown sweatshirt back on.

Yeah.

Just like, yeah, it's, it's, oh, this movie rolls.

Yeah.

So then he wakes up and it's, there's like a rainstorm going.

He's having like,

all of these cologne ad flashbacks, right?

He sees her in the hospital.

He sees her in the snow.

He sees her dripping wet for some reason.

Yeah.

And fuck yeah.

I mean, I know the reason.

Let's be honest.

13-year-old boy's back.

Yeah, right.

So, but then we cut to him like in an oxygen mask, waking up in a chair in a very, this Assassin's Creed game is going to make me do something outside the animus kind of a moment.

Right.

Yes, I called it Assassin's Nicene Creed, which is a bad joke and I hated myself for it.

Well, this is where I started drinking also.

Yeah.

yeah.

It's a good time to drink.

I've been smoking for a while by now.

But yeah, so apparently he's coming out of, he's coming back to life flatliner style.

He's been flatlining his way into the afterlife to find his wife.

Just once when someone's doing a flatliners in a movie, I want someone in the movie to go, oh, so you're doing a flatliner?

This is a Glenn Danzigian stealing from another movie, steal.

Yes.

Right.

Yeah, but so so he comes back to, and there's a priest there named Ray that is his like handler that watches his body while he's flatlinering.

Right.

Yeah.

It's hard to say.

Yeah.

Right.

I think I prayed.

I think I nailed it.

I'll go back and

do.

Okay.

I won't know until the edit for sure, but I'll trust you.

But Ray is like a Catholic priest that's helping this guy die, which is probably the least creepy thing a Catholic priest does with his day, let's face it.

Right.

But he tells him, he's like, I found my wife.

And he goes, oh, well, then what the fuck is the rest of the movie about then?

I guess.

What are you trying to do with your wife?

We'll just figure out why you don't have a moral hang-up about doing this, priest.

But it's fine.

It's fine.

What was there?

I have so many questions about their initial conversation.

Like, yeah, I know we're starting this story in Media Res when he's already been doing this for a while.

But like, I am desperate for the prequel to this movie where he's like, hey, father, you got a second?

Actually, can we speak in your office?

How are your Saturdays?

Yeah, Chris.

All right.

Well, as dumb as it is, we finally have a plot.

So we're going to give ourselves another break, but we'll be back in a flash with even more

night cries.

Johnson, Hickabe, Smith, in my office this instant.

What's up, Mr.

Paperman?

I'll tell you what's the matter.

It's these mothers that are driving us out of business.

How so, sir?

They can't can't get enough of these photographs.

Photigraphs of grandbabies, photographs of dogs and cats, even sunsets.

There's enough paper for the rest of the world.

Well, sir, why don't you just tell them about Aura Frames?

What are

Aura Frames?

Aura Frames was named the best digital frame by Wirecutter, and it's easy to see why.

There's unlimited storage, so you can add as many photos, videos, and funny memes as you can find.

And it's so simple to set up.

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And not a speck of paper on them.

But can they afford it?

They sure can.

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Terms and Conditions Apply.

What's saved?

I'm confused.

Is the guy who owns the paper company called Mr.

Paperman?

Yes.

Convenient.

It's a family name.

Sure.

Hmm.

Sure.

Joseph, you're back.

I found her, Ray.

I found my wife.

My God.

What was it like?

Well, it turns out that when you die, you go to this sort of post-apocalyptic wasteland filled with monsters and demons and stuff.

Oh.

Well, what about Jesus?

Did you see Jesus?

Nope.

No, no, Jesus.

Ooh, but all the kids who were never born are talking dolls.

They're actually very helpful.

Dolls, you say?

You

okay, Ray?

Yeah, no, I'm fine.

It's just...

You know, priest here.

Oh, yeah, right.

Monster dimension.

I mean, they could be aliens.

Yeah.

That's not...

That's not really better, though.

Sure, I understand.

I understand.

I'm going to go for a walk for a bit.

Sure, man.

Whatever you need, take, yeah.

I didn't fuck anybody, and it's monsters.

Yep, it's monsters.

It is monsters.

And we're back for more of this shit.

We're going to rejoin the action with Father Ray bringing Joseph a plate of pears because this movie doesn't know what normal food is.

Here,

keep your strength up.

Here's 17 cherry pits and the rind of a cheese.

There's a great moment here where they do like Star Trek techno babble, but with spiritual tattoo shit, right?

Because they're like, why would you only just now find her?

And he's like, the tachyon emissions were interfering with the quantum coupling.

Because where are you on this map we have of the afterlife?

Oh my God.

Okay.

We could have done a show on this fucking map.

This is the laziest prop I have ever seen because only one thing is marked on the entire map.

Hat.

And it just

I wish it was called a map of the hat for life.

God, it's so stupid.

Why the hat of all things?

And also, like, if there's a section of the map that's controlled by the hat, you would just write the hat once and mark the whole section.

You wouldn't write a hat over.

You don't write United States, United States, United States all over the part of the map.

yeah right so well i guess yeah gulf of america would would beg to differ but

i mean there is a character in this movie named after the nickname for the new york times no you're right you're right no gray ladies in here i feel like they have to have trademarked that

so yeah we didn't even mention that yeah he he warned ray about the gray lady well that's i guess that's what this is where he does it right like because

they're like looking around on the map and he's like but there's something i have to warn you about i saw the gray lady again.

And the gray lady will be back.

She hasn't walked out of the movie quite like the soldier has, but she will never be explained.

So

yeah.

So you should think of her like the Federal Reserve.

It's complex.

There are people who probably know about it, but

we'll just let you know when it interferes with your lived experience, podcast listener.

Yeah, we are told that this is a problem because she has shown up four out of the last five times he's gone under.

And this time she's touched him.

Yes.

So they're supposed to, I think it's meant to be like, okay, well, you've got to get this all done before things get worse.

But like, get what done?

Yeah, you're on the gray lady's timetable.

Yeah, but what?

What is he doing?

But that's the other thing.

Right.

Yes, exactly.

They've never established what it is that he hopes to do, right?

He's like, you know, I think I can get Sarah over to this area past the hat.

And we're like, but to what end?

Yeah, why can't she just stay where she is?

Right.

What day?

Right.

Let's just fix up the barn or something yeah he can't figure it out that he's got to go and write more civil war letters to his dead wife well clearly yeah yeah so but they try to explain all of that ray sits down to write some more old timey fucking letters or whatever and then we get this stupid ass scene where joseph and ray are doing boxing practice

okay here's the thing this boxing practice has a very important implication for the movie oh it implies that he did not go into the afterlife the first time time knowing how to fight and shooty shoot and do action movie stuff, which means, again, in the prequel, which we desperately need, he went to the afterlife for the first time, got ripped in half by a monster, and was like, hey, we got to learn some fucking fighting out here.

Yeah, no, I know, Nigel.

Zero hearts.

He was definitely assaulted by the hat blast.

Because otherwise, why would you be afraid of something called hat?

Why would you fear it?

I got fucked by Colin Marker.

I don't know how to tell you this in a gentler way, father, but I need to learn kickboxing because I got fucked by Colin Mockery.

Let's think of it as confession, but I'm going to need all the details of what happened in fucking trays.

And you can draw pictures in your dear Sarah notebook so I can see what it looks like.

Did he do rhymes?

Did he make it rhyme?

So, but here's the, okay.

So here's the thing that I wanted to point out about this scene that I love so fucking much.

So they're doing the thing like Joseph is punching and Ray's got the boxing mitts, right?

So he's taking the punches and shit.

And at one point, as they're having the conversation, because they're doing stupid fucking exposition, we're not bothering with it because who gives a shit.

But at one point, Ray's surprised by what he says.

And so he stops the boxing practice by suddenly pulling the mitts away.

That's not how you stop a boxing practice, man.

That's how you get punched in the fucking head.

I just love that moment so much.

Maybe you just wanted to get knocked out.

Yeah.

Just put me up for a while.

I don't want to go.

Yeah, right.

Yeah.

So, okay, but then we cut to Joseph.

He's about to go dark, right?

Or Or no, sorry.

He's getting ready to do his death thing.

But while he's doing that, he's going to have a flashback to when he got the temporary death potion from Miss Cleo.

Yeah.

Oh, this is a flashback.

This lady's real.

She's a real person in the world and not part of the afterlife world.

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

She's a real lady.

So you guys are all on some Heath Enright shit right now.

I'm keeping strong like I'm the voodoo lady from the Pirates of the Caribbean.

That's exactly.

I literally have monkey eye in my notes.

Pirates of the Caribbean and Jar Jar Binks ain't got nothing on this woman's voice.

I had her accent as midway between Caribbean and leprechaun.

But no, so

what we're seeing here is this is his quest to master death, right?

It ended in this lady finding him and giving him the tea that would make him die temporarily, which is what he uses.

Whoa.

Yeah.

It's that bag of weed that he keeps zipping into.

Yeah, right.

Okay, okay.

Because we see his friend steal the weed later, and I'm like, what a shit fucking friend.

Okay, got it.

Tell me, tell me if I missed it.

Wait, I'm sorry.

I want to know Katie's.

So, Katie's experience.

Wait, you just thought,

is he swiping a bong hits worth of that guy's weed while he's

I get it, Katie?

Times are tough.

We're both parents.

You got to take your weed where you can get it.

That money time isn't going to pay for itself.

So, but also, so he during the flashback, he tries the tea for the first time and he sees Sarah like in the mist across the room.

But he sees her boob first.

Yes, yes.

I know too.

I was.

It is quite literally the way she comes into focus.

The way we all remember his wife.

Yes, that's hitties.

She's like, there's only one way out of this.

And it just goes to like a Vaseline tit.

Yeah, right.

So her fucking ghost is going, my eyes are up here, dude.

Before he sees his wife, though, he is death peeping on a child who's passing away.

Yeah, who is that baby?

Okay, so here's the thing, right?

And this is what I was just about to clarify.

I think in his quest to find death, he's doing like a Doctors Without Borders thing.

Yes.

And Voodoo Lady calls him out on that.

And he's like, yeah, no, I'm just a doctor here without porters here to help.

And she's like, you can't lie to me, child.

You want special pocket weed that lets you die and find your wife and call it Martha's afterlife.

Right.

So I was like to say that Eli's accent does not represent all of our accents.

But it represents

accent.

It represents the accent who plays the character's accent.

Yeah.

That was dead ass on.

I mean, you know,

I didn't choose Sebastian the Crab.

Sebastian the Crab chose me.

So, but yeah, but now the movie thinks, okay, so we've explained how he is able to die and undie.

I'm like, have we really explained?

It's like, yes, he did a Doctor's Love Border and he was watching kids in the eye as they died.

And the Caribbean lady saw him and gave him death weed.

That's how it happened.

This actually is starting to make sense to me.

I feel good.

This is actually the best movie I've ever seen.

This movie actually has a lot of death.

Do you remember how you dressed like a voodoo priestess for Halloween?

Okay, so there's a white guy and he's just look, he's like having a staring contest with the kids as they die.

So I was wondering if you would give him some cinnamon

to fuck off.

Bag of oregano.

Yeah.

So we back out of the, we back out of the flashback, right?

He's about to go in again and they're going to do the avatar, clunky, look into the camera and talk about what I'm doing exposition, right?

So he goes, I'm about to go in again.

It's time for another installment or whatever of Project Per Chance to Dream.

This movie really does want you to know it went to college.

Yes, yeah, right.

I love that they let non-artists make art.

It's beautiful.

It's beautiful.

He should have stayed at Canadian Tire.

Got fired for staring at women's chests.

Yeah, right, right.

Exactly.

That's how they come into focus in the movie, though.

So, yeah, so, but he masks up.

He's going to like, apparently he has to wear an oxygen mask because he dies for some fucking reason.

And you do.

Yeah, exactly.

And then Ray stands off to the side and does last rites.

And I'm like, see, damn, Cred, Christian movie.

He's doing a prayer thing.

And we're told that this is like the 48th time he's gotten last rights, which starts to feel like maybe it doesn't matter anymore.

Or

it's not last right

anymore.

You know it's not last.

If you end up in the monsterverse run by Colin Mockery when you have zero sins in you, I don't even want to know where you end up.

Seriously.

What's going to happen to us?

Granted, he is just ending.

He's like ending up in an unused episode of Supernatural.

So speaking of which, so yeah, he wakes back up in the unused episode of Supernatural.

There's this, the first of my best words, right?

There's this long porny shot where she's in the shower at the barn has a shower.

The post-apocalypse barn just happened to have a fucking big bucket of potable water.

And rather than save that for the post-apocalyptic wasteland, she's showering with it.

Sure.

And they do the like side boob moment,

but you can see the nipple.

She's like, just because it's probably cold or whatever.

The frame literally dips.

We watch him not be able to hold the camera above her nipple line and be like, shit.

Oh my God.

Steve, keep it.

God damn it.

See you.

Keep the camera.

Sorry, I've got the flu.

So now your boobs are on Tubi.

Booby.

Booby baby.

Tuby boobs.

Yeah, nice.

So much more than I expected.

Oh, my God.

And that's not even the end of it.

Yeah, no, right.

We're just getting the boobs started.

I'm happy for all of us.

So that scene exists for its own sake.

That's just boobs for boobs' sake.

And then she's back in the zen outfit.

They go out for adventures.

We see Ray, the priest, stealing a bong hits worth of the death tee while he's under, right?

So we can have it analyzed.

But why does he do that?

Oh, he's having it analyzed.

Okay, sorry.

I missed a lot.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, I

so 503 movies, you start to get to where you can decode these pretty easily.

Okay.

So then, okay, then we have this weird fucking scene where the doll is saying its tearful goodbye to Joseph.

I had forgotten about the doll.

And then when the doll came back, I was thrilled, but only to say goodbye without being explained.

Like, did they just run out of puppet budget?

I will clearly, right?

Because it's one thing we should explain about the doll is that the doll talking looks really good.

Like the CGI for it is very good.

You could imagine this in a

triple-A film, but they don't have doll walking budget.

so the doll's always standing still sure

that's like their tell but yeah so but the doll is like you know it's time for me to go off on my own and have my own adventures i can't ride in your saddlebags anymore if you know what i mean you can't fuck me anymore yeah well right right yeah

your wife's here it's awkward

and then so and they start walking away and we're all writing in our notes is like as much exposition as this movie has had why won't it tell us what the fuck is up with this doll and And then Sarah says it.

She's like, hey, what the fuck up is up with the talking doll?

And he just goes, she was a friend.

She says, I never got the chance to ask you about her.

How is it not top of mine?

Right, right.

How do you ask Andy?

Other, like, oh, yeah, and the tattoos.

What about the tattoo?

What about the talking fucking doll?

Yes, thank you.

This movie presupposes that Sarah, a former teacher, is the dimmest bulb you have ever met in your life.

Yeah, it's a bunny.

But before she leaves, Caitlin asks, Caitlin the doll asks him to go find her parents, which was startling because nobody fucked to have that doll.

I'm certain of it.

So many implications.

Yeah, it's gonna, the payoff on that is the greatest thing that ever fucking happens in a film.

Oh my God.

That's what, like, that elevates this film, honestly.

It turns it into an A24 film.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, absolutely.

It's fucking fine art at that point.

Okay.

So then we cut to it.

So they walk off without the doll and they come across a bunch of skulls in the forest.

That's how we know shit's getting real, right?

That's how they know that they're in the hats territory.

Okay, but there's this moment that I want to talk about because when they come across the skulls, they're sort of in a pathway formation, you know, kind of like a better homes and garden.

Yes, right, right, yeah.

And also, they're the same fucking dead people we saw in the barn earlier, right?

They're the exact same rotted corpses.

Listen, you either get good talking CGI or you get a bunch of skulls.

yeah right

so but and we haven't talked about this because we've got this all we've all peppered this to our notes like they're dead right so are you afraid to die when you're dead where do dead dead people where are the dead dead people go that is a great question right do they go back to being alive like but the movie in the movie like any remotely competent script establishes this shit Do they go on a space adventure with Ryan Stiles?

There are so many questions.

Yeah.

Did Greg Proup show up at some point?

Yeah.

I figured it out.

You need to die seven and a half years

before you're on a pirate adventure with Drew Carrey.

Yeah, but also, is

that sounds awful?

Are heaven and hell copyrighted that we had to go through?

Yeah, right.

They couldn't get their rights to hell.

Devil shows up mid-production.

Hey, guys, my lawyer's here, and you can't use any of this shit.

And I'm Jewish, so this is going to be a real problem.

I'm normally pretty cool, but this is a big farm.

Yeah, right.

So, okay, but so they're in the hat territory, which means, by the way, he can't use his gun, right?

Because if he uses his gun in hat territory, the bad guys will hear him and take him to the hat.

I know.

It will never not be fun.

Yes.

There's no single person on this set who had a line with the term the hat in it who didn't turn to camera after their first take and go, Are we sure?

Every one of them a little higher pitched than the last one.

Yeah, so but then so they're in the hat territory, they come across some bad guys, bad guying some good guys, right?

Yeah, beating up a family, yeah, right, a helpless family.

And Joseph's like, ah, you know, we've got, because there's going to be traffic if we get there any later.

We really don't want to fuck around with all this.

This isn't our problem, right?

But she gives him that look, right?

No, yeah.

And so he'll hero after all.

Yeah, I wrote in my notes.

She gives him that look like I just told Anna, we don't have time to go to Target.

So he goes to Target.

Yeah.

He goes, and this is like the fact that this is the writer and director makes this scene so much fucking funnier.

Right.

Because now he's going to do the Batman thing, right?

He shows up and he's doing the whole like, I'm badass and looking down.

So all you can see is my hat.

You know, he's like,

stop messing with with those good guys.

And then they're like, what are you going to do about it?

And he disappears.

Yeah.

Right.

He just wanders off.

And first of all, they're just in a forest.

You would see where he went.

Right.

Like, they're not locked down like the camera is.

They would just watch him walk off to the right.

But also, like, if he does that and then walks off, they're like, well, we're just going to go back to bad guying.

this family again.

Why would we give a shit about you?

You just walked off.

Yeah, you're right.

But they don't, they don't.

They go out and they look for him.

And now he's hiding in the woods and he gets the drop on him and

he kills him.

he's got like a harpoon gun so he's allowed to shoot that it doesn't make noise yeah and at one point he kills one of the bad guys but not before he can do a he's right behind me isn't he facing the camera kind of ruins the tone

in the middle all this the little girl from the family that was getting bad guide she looks up at him and she goes all creepy she goes he's coming for you And it's like, that makes no fucking sense in this.

Why would you know that?

I also took the voodoo to you.

Yeah.

I mean, she's dead, right?

Yeah, well, you know what?

These are all real people.

I don't know.

My dad was taken hard right into oncoming traffic lights, and now we're here at this point.

Now we have to get beat up by the men of the hat.

Yep.

Yeah.

So, but the good guy dispatches the bad guys in the most boring possible fucking way because it's both of them.

It's just like, oh, I'm behind you now, so I shoot you.

And then a third bad guy gets the drop on him.

But Sarah shoots him.

Shoots the third bad guy, right?

Sure.

But she used a regular gun.

It made noise.

She's alerted the hats people.

So now the hats people show up to get him.

And it's one of those great moments.

And this happens in regular movies too, but I love it so much where, like, there are bad guys, and the good guy defeats them, but then they need to be captured in the next scene.

So an equivalent amount of bad guys show up again.

And instead of defeating them, they're just like, well, there's obviously nothing.

There's too many bad guys.

We are completely under your control at this point.

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Get fucking.

So, yeah.

So those bad guys take the good guys to batter guys.

I'm like, man, this is a lot of bad guys to shoehorn in 45 minutes into an hour and a half movie.

But we go to the bad guy.

Now, this is the hat.

And like, to this point, I'm thinking to myself, okay, there's a talking doll.

There could be a talking hat, right?

Yeah.

But the reality was even better.

Now, because like we've already said it, it's been in the sketches.

We've been talking about it since the very beginning of the movie.

I did not know until this goddamn moment that the hat was going to be played by Colin Mockri.

Me neither.

And why would you expect it?

Right, it's the least expectable possible thing.

Right.

Right?

Like, in order for it to be less expected than Colin Mockri playing the bad guy, it would have to be some kind of geometric shape playing it that you can't perceive from the third dimension or something like that.

It is equally absurd to him being played by Mr.

Rogers

or Barack Hussein Obama or

Elmo the puppet.

And he is mustering about as much like terror as any of those.

Well, right.

Yeah, because it's not like he reached deep down in and found this villain.

He's playing this as Colin Mockri.

He's just happily eating his dinner.

He is politely but firmly knowing this script.

I don't know how, I don't know who he owed money to or how he ended up in the movie, right?

But he was there.

He was wearing the hat and he was like, yeah, I mean, I do have to say these lines or they won't let my daughter go.

But

I can say, welcome.

Won't you have a seat?

In the most pleasant tone I can muster.

I really wish one of them had been like, holy shit, Colin Mockray.

Well, okay.

All right.

So, but that's the thing is that Sarah.

does.

So

here's how the scene plays out.

They bring him in.

He's like, ah, have some food.

We've taken all your guns and weapons, but I'll feed you at least.

And then he's like, I want to rape your wife.

And the wife, the whole time, is just beaming, smiling ear to ear.

And I'm like, there's no reason for her character to be charmed by the guy who's threatening to rape her.

This actress is just like, oh my God,

is Drew Carey nice?

Do you think, do you think they called you the hat because of scenes from a hat college?

Help me.

I'm eating a comically large bread roll.

Yes,

I'm eating a hamburger bun.

I'm eating an uncut hamburger bun as I do.

Okay, yeah, for my fellow upstate New York trash, for who remember Winnageees, she's eating a Winnageee.

Okay, it is a pumpkin-sized bread roll that she's digging into with the happiest grin on her face while Fred Rogers is like, oh boy, I can't wait to get to rape it.

Yes.

Yum, yum, yum.

It is a bit incongruous.

Yes.

My least favorite things, number one, consent.

Number two, interruptors.

Okay.

So, and then, all right.

So, but he's like, eat, have your fill.

And I've decided I don't want to rape your wife.

And you guys could just chill at my place and you can leave tomorrow.

So we cut to them in the bedroom.

And, you know, she's like, all right, so let me strip it down to my underwear real quick and we can fuck.

And he's like, he's not really going to let us go.

He's just,

he's the hat.

He's the bad guy.

Yeah, but can we fuck?

Yes, literally.

She's like, right, right, right, right.

He's the bad guy who's going to kill us and murder us.

But like, counterpoint, we have 15 minutes.

So.

And I know you're good for about seven of them.

Yeah.

So we could go twice.

That's why he keeps the tape on his hands at the like boxing tape.

Let's last a little longer.

Right, right.

So, yeah.

So, but she's like, she's like, hey, boobs.

And we get the, the second, like, they clearly meant for this to be.

a obstructed nudity shot, except the guy sneezes again and the camera goes low enough to to see Nipple.

And then we get this like long, stupid, slow-motion fucking by the fire scene.

And look, you know, in a world where porn wasn't free and ubiquitous, I guess I get why these scenes were in movies, but now there's just porn.

Right.

Why do we need 12 goddamn minutes of these people's slow-motion fucking by the fire?

Right.

But listeners at home, you should know that the word boob is in this section of note so many, so many times.

It's literally.

We're all rooting for it pretty hard.

Like the last quarter of Rudy here.

Yep.

Yeah, right, right.

Wow boobs, boobs.

Booby.

Well, kind of top boobs, Christian boobie boobs.

99% boobs.

Yeah, this is the, I'm just reading from the notes, guys.

But then he wakes up again with the priest.

And I really wanted the priest to be like, hey, man, you came in your pants.

dog you came in my pants this is getting really awkward for me i'm a priest i don't did you hire me a priest to watch you die so you could find and no offense raw dog your wife

yeah so he but he wakes up and he's like in the real world he's like sketching all the things that he's seen in the afterlife i really wanted him to be drawing them fucking like an image right here we did it it in this position, but also we did this for a little while, and then my leg, but then my leg fell asleep, and so we had to switch.

I caught a cramp.

Here's the cramp.

This is a, I drew the cramp.

He also, but so he does this, and then he like, we look up from those sketches, he sketched the gray lady as well, this creepy monster thing, right?

Which is so much creepier than the CGI we will eventually get from for the gray lady.

Sure.

But then, so, okay, so we haven't mentioned this till now, which is amazing to me.

But when he's dead, this character has a giant scar down his face,

right?

When he's alive, he doesn't.

That's how we know when he's in a dream or when he's in death or whatever.

So at this point, he picks up a knife in the Music It's All Horror movie and he stabs himself in the face.

That's horrible.

And this movie was not prepared for how funny that would look, right?

They were sure they were going to get like a horror craft scene instead, but the guy's just like, ouchie.

My cheekums.

We're also, as the viewer, just going,

but why he do that?

Yeah, why he do that?

Right.

Yeah.

And we never get an answer by that.

Well, so yeah, like the real reason is because they feel like they have to have a ticking clock because if he could just go back and forth from death over and over again indefinitely, then this movie has no stakes.

Right.

So what they're trying to establish here is, oh, like dying this often is making him delirious.

You remember Flatliners, right?

Yeah.

So

it's, we get, because in the next scene, we've got like Ray, the priestess, he's patched him up and he's kind of explaining this plot point.

You know, he's like, we can't keep sending you in.

You'll lose your mind being torn between this life and the afterlife.

And he's like, yeah, that was too close.

to act three for more than me for me to go in more than one or two more times, certainly.

Yeah.

But he's like, I don't know what happened, but I promise it won't happen again.

And then there's this great moment where the priest is like, hey, I know this is weird for this just now to occur to me, but like,

what if you're just dreaming?

And the fact that we're suggesting all this stuff so heavily before you fall asleep is the reason you keep dreaming about your wife and a monster afterlife.

This far into the process, he has this.

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And this is his response.

And I would like you to correct me if this is not the response.

How do I know it's real?

It's real.

Yeah, it's just it.

It is.

How would we get this far into the movie and it not be real?

That would just be silly.

So, okay.

Jesus Christ.

But then we get the scene that elevates this movie to pure insanity.

Fuck can't we?

The one where he goes out to meet the doll's parents.

No, it's real.

This is the only scene in the movie that doesn't take place in either like the priest's office or

the

hat's house.

Right.

The half-terlins.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The hat for half for a life.

The hat for

life yeah right so so we just this is our experience he just goes to this house he knocks on the door and this couple this young couple comes to the door and he goes hey does the name caitlin mean anything to you and we're like oh my god these people are the the damn dolls parents they sure are did this guy fuck a doll what happened here right

and they and she and he goes She wants you to know that she's okay.

Like, dad, I mean, she's dead, but she wasn't.

She's decidedly not okay.

She's a doll in the monster verse.

Seriously.

He doesn't mention that she's a doll.

He's like, had to, like, we have established that he's had to sew her up a couple of times.

So there's times where she would have been like just half of a fucking doll if he hadn't been there.

Yeah.

No, that was because of the fucking though, right?

Yeah, well, right.

Obviously.

Yeah.

So she's a fetus.

She's a fetus.

She's a foul-mouthed fetus.

Stillborn.

Well, that's, yeah, that's what we established here is that she was a miscarried pregnancy.

Or stillborn, or yeah.

Or stillborn.

The parents are devastated.

Like, Caitlin, we were going to name our baby Caitlin, right?

And that's what we establish here.

Jesus Christ.

Absolutely ruining these.

These people are just trying to watch HGTV.

To be clear, what happens when you die is you go to a monsterverse run by Colin Mockery, populated by demons, unless you were a fetus, in which case you enter a doll and have to help the good people of said universe yes how to ride around in a saddlebag that's just not right if you're lucky if you're not those are lucky ones yeah yeah this is demonstrably not a Christian movie though right because like there's no heaven and hell there's just fuck you monster there's monsterverse yeah yeah yeah no so but Jesus Christ right but also like the other thing too is that it's not like there's a message that he's giving them that's helping them in any way right right he tells yeah he tells them that like the fetus had known, you know, the combination to get into the safe to get Uncle Ted's will or something.

This would make sense.

But all he's doing is torturing this poor couple.

Yeah, he's like, he's like, yeah, she was my angel.

And the dad is like, fuck

you.

You know, this is a movie because dad did not start swinging on this dad.

Yeah, right.

So incredibly not fun fact, there was actually a church in the 90s that used to do this by reading listings of like children's funerals in the paper and they stopped because a dad beat the shit out of you

they were like oh you know what's wrong with this proflotation i don't have any teeth anymore i i am a a huge sissy and i would whoop someone's yes 100

we are we are both going to the hospital i need to be removed from you you to be stitched back together

you guys just have to do some boxing exposition right

all right.

Well, I think we all need a minute to deal with the implications of miscarriages end up as dolls in the afterlife.

So we're going to pause for a break here.

But first, let me give Act Three, the hard sell.

How far along does a pregnancy have to get for it to be a doll?

Are earlier miscarriages smaller dolls?

Why wouldn't this world just be teeming with little sapient dolls then?

Find out even more disturbing unanswered questions when we return for the boobtastic conclusion of Night Cries.

All right, everybody, settle down, settle down.

You're here because you've been included in the gang of the hat.

So let's go over a couple of things.

I'm sorry, did you?

You know what?

This is why you got to let me finish.

Yes, his name is the hat, but I assure you that even though his name is the hat, and that doesn't seem very scary or very bad, he is in fact both scary and bad.

Does he wear hats?

Yeah, well, yes,

he does.

He wears a variety of hats.

Are they scary?

Not particularly.

No, but he is very scary.

So, you know, the hats kind of take over the job a little bit.

Man, this must be one scary-looking motherfucker.

Well, you would think that.

But no, he looks like a

slightly built, pleasant 67-year-old Scottish comedian who moved to Canada when he was seven, actually.

Like a grizzled Andrew Dice Clay type.

No, no.

No, like comedy sports sitcoms, kind of a sitcom guy.

I got to tell you, I'm having a really hard time picturing this guy as well.

He is scary, okay?

Scary.

And also, he's a rapist.

Well, that's off-putting.

Yep.

Very much so.

Yes.

Now, let's go over the patrol calls.

Why does he wear hats?

I said we're going over patrol calls.

And we're back for still more of this shit.

We're going to rejoin the action with Ray trying to justify the movie's inclusion on Gam with a quick homily.

Okay, but here's the thing.

The only part of the Bible that talks about sleeping, which is like dying temporarily to rescue your wife from the monsterverse, is the bitchy part where Jesus is like, oh, you guys are just going to go asleep.

I was kind of going to cry in the garden, but it's fine.

No, I guess if you guys want to fall asleep, you can.

Yeah.

Yeah, because apparently this, like, there was a point where this guy, Andrew Simek, as he's writing this, he's like, you know, but I do have something to say on the spiritual side as well.

So I'd like to include this little homily moment.

So we get that.

And of course, this leads to him going in again, right?

Like going back into the Matrix.

And Ray comes in and he's like, you know, I'm not doing this again.

We're too far into the movie.

And he's like, you are doing it again.

And so he does.

Okay.

Yeah.

And then he comes to like mid getting kidnapped at the hats place.

Jesus Christ.

Which brings about the question:

is he like brain dead and frozen the entire time he's in the outside world?

Is it like Avatar where there's just this lifeless corpse of him until he goes back to dead?

Or does time stop until he gets back?

Yeah, a lot of questions.

You're thinking about this movie way more than they did.

Well, that's

the movie's just like, don't think about that.

Boobs.

Hey, boobs, boobs, guys.

Bibles and boobs.

Bibles and boobs.

Right.

Yeah.

Cause we cut straight.

Like, yeah, we're fucking one scene removed from the homily.

And now Sarah's getting tossed in the harem room

where the red-headed lady has her boobs out.

Her boobs are so out that she's using her boobs to hold her shirt open.

Yeah.

So I was like, yeah, I probably love this lady.

She fucking rolls.

They're like those things you put on the other side of a window to tuck your curtains in, James.

It's working.

Just tuck it back here, tuck it back there.

There you go.

Yep.

Tits in the wind.

But they throw her in there and they're like, dress her all sexy.

And they're like, the same sexy for the rest of the movie.

They're like, no, a different bikini for every scene she's in from this point out in the fucking film.

What the afterlife lacks in, you know, readily available food, it.

The wardrobe is never an issue.

Yeah, no.

Well, there's not much cloth.

That's the thing, though, right?

Sure.

They really got to make that cloth last.

Disagree.

The sponge with which she is being given a milk

is the size of my whole torso.

Okay.

You know the whole milk bath sentence is on footage somewhere.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

So here's the thing that I need to explain.

Okay.

She is in this room being introduced to the harem of Colin Makery.

And as she's being introduced, Two women walk up to her with your grandmother's mixing bowl full of milk and a sponge.

I know I exaggerate for comedic effect, podcast listener.

I'm not exaggerating.

A sponge the size of a pumpkin.

And they just start dumping the sponge the size of a pumpkin into the milk like they're ready to give her a milk bath.

And no one's acknowledging it and no one's addressing it.

I was screaming at my laptop.

What is happening?

Someone acknowledge the big sponge and the milk.

You have to acknowledge the big sponge and the milk.

Eli wrote in his notes, this is someone's very specific kink.

And I wrote after that, well, now it is.

Yes.

Well, I mean, we're told at the beginning of the scene that they have to get her dressed the way the hat likes it, which implies that Colin Mockery only likes to fuck women who smell of old milk.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, that's a gift.

Devastating.

He's Canadian.

I get it.

That's fair.

It's called aged milk, not old milk.

It's a poutine thing.

yeah.

A cheese-like funk, yeah.

Right.

She's gone slightly rancid.

So,

okay, but now we cut to the fighting pit, right?

So, if at first we see dog fights there, which, you know, fucking gross.

Colin Mockri is watching over this.

He is now dressed as a hoplite.

Yep.

No idea.

Yeah.

He has like Halloween adventure Roman soldier hat.

Yeah.

So, but

because he's not the helmet, right?

He's the hat.

Yeah.

You should have to wear a hat.

This doesn't fucking count.

All headwear is not a hat.

No, it's true.

And previously, he'd been wearing like a Dr.

Seuss style, like large top hat.

A top hat

bowler before that.

The bowler.

And he goes back to the top hat later, so he's really just the two hat.

It's very upsetting.

Yeah.

So, okay, but they bring out Joseph, right?

The cowboy now has to fight in the pit.

Yeah.

It's a good thing we've established that he can box, right?

Oh, right.

So, and then they bring out an eight-foot-tall, full-bodied demon monster with a bunch of horns on it and shit.

And he's ashy as hell.

Yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah.

Something fierce.

Also, they overdid it with the horns.

There's just too many fucking horns.

So, there's like obviously one extra practical horn.

So,

yeah, well, he's got like one horn on his chest.

It's fucking ridiculous.

That's for dancing.

Sorry.

Hold on to it.

We need that.

Yeah.

But yeah, so, and then we get this incredibly uninspired, quick and boring monster fight.

Yeah.

Right.

Because the monster throws him once, he grabs a knife, stabs the monster in the eye, and then chokes the monster with barbed wire, and it's over.

Yeah.

It lasts 40.

The monster coming out and roaring lasts longer than the fight.

To which Colin Mockery responds, exact delivery of the line.

Well, that was fucking impressive.

Yes.

But as you're writing in your notes, wow, that was really fucking unimpressive.

Colin Mockery goes,

that was fucking impressive.

So Colin Mockery is like in the movie talking shit on the movie that he is in.

Yes.

He's politely knowing the movie.

Look, look, I have met several kind people, public servants, people with good in their hearts.

And when they're exposed to the goblin troll that I am, they sort of freeze into a timeless space.

And that is what Colin Maufrey is doing to this movie.

So, yeah, but so they're like, they're like, all right, well, you killed the monster.

It doesn't matter.

We're still going to stab you and throw you in a coffin.

So they stab him and throw him in a coffin.

There's this great moment where he's taking, he's taking the wisdom of the crowd.

Because she's like, no.

And he's like, oh, no.

What do you say?

But they accidentally play the dramatic music of the moment over the crowd's response.

So he says, what do you say?

And the crowd says,

and then they stab him in the side and he says, it is done.

Yes.

Just like Jesus, Christian movie.

I wasn't reaching at this point.

It's a Christian film.

It's a Christian movie with boobs.

So yes, but they take him out in the coffin.

He's still alive in the coffin, right?

So they take him out.

He's chilling, regretting a few of his life choices.

And then we watch him, like, we watch like him in the coffin as they bury him for like a fucking while.

And it's great because, again, what are we all familiar with?

We're all familiar with the kill Bill scene, which is shot by an excellent filmmaker.

This is shot by someone who is a bad filmmaker.

So he's just like,

no, Ruben, here, I forget, what did she do in the boothie?

Oh, they zoomed out.

Okay, I can't do that because I'm just in my closet with digging sounds I downloaded from the internet.

Just laying down.

But Ray wakes him up at this point into the real world, right?

The priest.

He's like, you're out of the animus again.

You don't get to play the fun parts of the game for a little while.

And he's like, all right, well, my wife has been kidnapped.

We need to save him.

He's like, or, or I will inject you with this

syringe full of sedatives that I have.

To be fair, he is a Catholic priest, so I have to say that.

Oh, okay, right, right, yeah.

Which he calls scoplamine.

So close.

It's made from scallops.

Yeah, exactly.

I know you're allergic to shellfish.

But the priest calls somebody for help, and we're like, oh, who's going to be revealed to be the bad guy who's in on it with the priest?

It's Jim.

We've never met a character named Jim.

I don't know who Jim is.

He has a rotary phone, I guess, to go with his quill fucking pen.

Yeah, he exists in a different dimension, I think, as well as hell.

He also lives in a dungeon.

It's true.

He does live in a dungeon.

That's true.

So fucking trigger warning for implied rape in the next scene.

Jesus Christ.

What a weird fucking movie this is for that to come up right now.

But here's the thing.

It's an implied rape scene that Colin Mockri does not consent to.

So that's the least threatening, right?

Because this is the classic I'm about to rape you blackout, right?

Where it is assumed that he rapes her.

But Colin Mockery is just like, well, I'm going to put on a little jazz music.

How have you been enjoying your time in the afterlife so far?

Good.

Glad to hear it.

Glad to hear it.

Well, that's where the camera goes off.

Yep.

Yep.

But it's also, she's giving Princess Leia and Javo's palace vibes.

100%.

She's wearing a little bikini.

She's, she's got the big like hoop earrings.

A different bikini than she was wearing in the other scene, by the way.

She's changed bikinis since the pit.

So, right.

She's chained up, and there's this moment where he pulls the chain and it's supposed to bend her over, which is supposed to be this very foreboding thing.

And she gives him this very like sensual, like, what are you going to do look?

And it cuts to colin mockri's fate you have to watch it he is completely blank he's like nope

i said i the answer is no

and then it blanks out yeah colin you're kind of giving dead inside right now and he's like yes yes yes i am

can i get a profession that isn't this movie yeah

i will now accept dildo factory as a location let's just move on anything

so joseph now is like back at the real world trying to convince Ray to send him in one last time.

He's got to load up on weapons, but Ray has stolen all of his death weed.

Shit.

That's right.

His devil's breath.

Yeah,

he's like, you've been taking a drug called sclopolamine or fucking whatever they made up.

He's like, it's called devil's breath.

And I'm like, hey.

Sounds good.

I would try that.

This is a real drug.

It's scopolamine.

Scopolamine?

Either way,

but it's just, it's like, you know, when you get surgery and then sometimes you throw up, it's that what they give you to keep you from throwing up.

It's not, it's not really all that intense.

It's an anti-nausea medication.

I think it's given to like, now I give you the ancient voodoo secret of Odinestron, baby.

So, yeah, but so he's like, hey, look, you've been smoking the fucking anti-nausea medication for too long.

The cops are coming to institutionalize you.

And so he's just loading a gun.

He's like, you haven't stopped me from dying.

You've just stopped me from coming back.

And I'm like, okay, that's actually pretty cool.

For this movie, that was actually a fairly clever turn.

Okay.

And let's, can I say, if the rest of the movie was just him fucking yackety stack style committing half suicide and then I'm bringing him like it's just a one-on-one the happening, I'm fucking him.

Right.

So he goes to shoot himself.

He struggles for the gun.

Like Ray runs up and struggles for the gun and he accidentally shoots Ray

in the in the melee it's it's a shame about ray okay can i fix this movie can i fix this movie can we all agree that this would be an incredible movie if we flash cut to colin mockery assaulting the wife but now it's the priest and he's like ah

i don't know that priest had a great jawline yeah he did he did he get a hell of a profile Why wouldn't you have mentioned this when you said you needed to go back in?

This is such important information.

Well, the devil's in the details.

Well, so, and I'm expecting, okay, well, now he's going to go down to like death world and him and Ray and the fucking doll are going to team up to rescue her, but the movie somehow misses that too.

No, the priest just dies.

Yeah, the priest just fucking dies.

But then the cops come in right afterwards and they're like, man, did you just shoot that fucking priest?

And so he commits suicide by cop, right?

So that he can get in.

i wanted him to go to a different afterlife because suicide by cop is a different thing yeah right right now

you didn't get the last rights this time man sorry you're just going to the dmv ends up on an undersea adventure

so yeah so so but then he he he pops into an afterlife uh well he now he's in a hospital and he's like going back to his wife's deathbed scene from before yeah

so that the part where she like asked him to save her from the monster universe, that was her talking to his ghost from after he died now.

Imagine realizing that your beloved wife wasn't speaking her final words to you, but to your cowboy avatar.

Yeah, right.

That's really disappointing.

Yeah, wow.

I've been there, Katie, and can I tell you it hurts?

Sure.

Also, how did his dying wife not go, you know what?

That beard is working.

Yeah, the beard is right on him.

Yeah, yeah.

It's like, you're really, your jaw is awful.

Honey, once you feel ready to date again, you should should really do a little stubble thing.

All right, I'm going to go.

Maybe a scar, maybe a scar along the side of your face.

I know that's a weird thing to say.

Also, be careful with that duster.

It is way too long for you.

You're going to trip over the hem on that thing.

Have you met my friend Margaret?

I call Margaret the gray lady.

Whoa.

Holy shit.

Margaret.

Fuck yeah.

I just blew your minds.

Yeah.

Stay tuned, kids.

So, but then he wakes back up in death, but he's still in the fucking coffin.

And he's like, ah, well, shit.

Yeah.

Shit.

I don't have it.

I should have

brought a shovel or something.

God damn it.

Or Uma Thurman.

I don't fucking know.

I should have brought Uma Thurman.

He tries pushing the coffee.

He pushes the lid and he's like, no, well, obviously,

obviously that wouldn't work.

Why was that working?

But just then, the gray lady shows up.

And it's way sillier looking than I was prepared for.

In a movie that already contains a stillborn fetus talking doll, the gray lady is like,

this feels awkward.

Because, one, it's way too close.

It has to be way too close to his face.

So she's like, hey, sorry, can I scooch it?

Do you mind?

It's not a real Republican.

I'm not in here.

I'll be down here.

Anyways, would you like?

I think I'm offering you super strength, but buddy, I don't know.

Yeah, I gotta go into your eyes.

And then you're gonna be super strong once I live inside your eyeballs.

Yeah, yeah, right.

No, and also, it looks like a fucking, like a voodoo thwamp from Mario Arts.

It's like thwomp fucked the mask from the mask, you know?

No.

Not the one with Eric Stoltz.

No, not that one.

Not that one.

So, but then

it grants him some kind of getting out of the grave power that the movie doesn't really establish.

Like, does he have super strength at this point?

I don't fucking know.

There will never be consequences.

It'll never come up again.

Nope.

Nope.

And this is the last we will ever hear of the gray gray lady.

I mean, outside of the New York Times.

So, but then he gets out and the doll's there.

And it's like, yeah, I was going to dig you out.

But then I was remembering, like, I'm a fucking doll.

What am I going to do?

It's going to take forever.

Tiny Barbie shovel.

Can you imagine?

Oh, I know.

Colin Mockery did rape your wife, though.

Oh, God.

I should let you know that while you were having a shoving match with your priest friends, Colin Mockery raped your wife.

So deal with that, however, you're going to.

So then we cut.

Okay.

So then we cut to Sarah.

She's now in her, God, her fucking post-rape lingerie.

The redhead is snuggling her from, I didn't make the fucking movie.

All right.

I'm just, this is my job.

But you did make the phrase post-rape lingerie.

I did.

I did.

Yeah.

Well, I didn't describe it.

But she does not look distressed.

She seems kind of fine.

I'm snuzzled by that lady who looks good in her absence.

My eyeliner looks worse after like a good sneeze.

Oh my god, it looks like I'm so peckable, right?

And she's gotten her brows done at this point, as well as even more like sculpted than they were previously.

Yeah,

so then, okay, then we cut to Joseph, and he's got a plan.

His plan involves putting an explosive inside the doll and the doll dying.

Unborn fetus doll suicide bomber.

Yeah, you could not have told me that Colin Macrey was going to be in a movie about

unborn fetus doll suicide bomber.

Bond, Bon.

Well, that's going to be like, this is going to be a really awesome.

Like, if you're ever watching Who's Lying With Us, Who's Lying Us, or whatever with somebody, you can turn to him and you're like, Did you know that Colin Mockri was once in a movie killed by an unborn fetus doll suicide bomber?

Which is why we named the first album by Nightmare Cancer on

Suicide Bomber.

Right, yeah, unborn fetus, suicide, unborn fetus, doll, suicide bomber.

Unborn fetus doll suicide bomber.

Katie and Eli.

Click, click, click, click, click, click.

But there's also a

because we were doing the puzzle.

Right, yeah.

This is the rhythm.

God damn it, Eli.

There's a professional.

Dude, he can't cut it now, Katie.

The whole world will know.

So, okay.

So, but the, but the doll, like, so that the new plot point is the doll is going to sacrifice herself to save him.

And they have this, like, you know, like, I'm sorry to ask you to give yourself, to sacrifice yourself for me.

And she's like, yeah, it's a really fucked up thing that you would do to your friend in the goddamn story.

I'm a child.

Right.

Yes, exactly.

I'm not even a child.

Right, child.

Free child.

Yes.

Save you.

But she's like, but it's okay.

I'll do it because I love you.

Yeah.

And we're like, what?

You would think she would be like, and to what end am I giving my unborn life?

Right.

And he would be like, I don't fucking know.

Okay.

I didn't really haven't established anything.

Who the fuck are you?

Where am I?

Why is Colin Mockery here?

Yes.

Wakes up as a talking goldfish in a different animal.

Like, God damn.

I got to go find Nemo.

So, okay.

So now Caitlin, the doll, and Joseph, they're breaking into Colin's place.

Her job in this break-in is to make the guard look in the direction he was already looking

so that Joseph can sneak up and shoot him in the back of the head.

Yeah.

But as soon as he shoots him, everybody's like, hey, we all heard gunshots.

Let's run to there now.

And he's like, oh, yeah, right.

And so, okay, so now he has to John Wick his way through the bad guys, except he just walks through and he shoots him.

All right.

So apologies for sort of a long explanation here.

So When you watch a really good action sequence, there are two kinds of people who see this.

One is the kind of person that looks at this and sees, you know, the interesting interplay between choreographers and stuntmen and camera operators and everything that makes this all work and everything and all the interesting, clever things that maybe the choreographer came up with, interesting ways to use the environment around him and all this.

Other people just see guns and shit, right?

Like, okay, guns and shit.

Pequew.

Pecue, right?

Got it.

Right.

But once in a while, a person who just sees guns and shit is called upon to make one of these scenes.

That's what we're watching.

He's just like, no, you guys get it.

Peeq, Peq, right?

It looks like you sent an adult laser tag champion to play with a children's purpose.

And he's taking it way seriously.

He's like, he takes it.

Way too serious.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I said adult laser tag champion.

They were already picturing it.

So, yeah.

And also this character can't be bothered to reload a gun, right?

So every time he runs out of ammo, he just throws down the gun and gets another one, which becomes ridiculous.

That's straight up John Wick, though.

Well, well, John Wick reloads the guns all the time.

That's part of the cool stuff that he does, you know?

He does kind of cool reloads as he's hiding behind shit.

Anyway, but there's a point where you're like, hey, man, instead of an extra tiny gun, why not more ammo for the submachine gun that you just threw away, right?

And also, it goes too far, too, right?

Because at the end, he has to kill the guy with the knife.

He's out of guns.

He kills the guy with a knife.

And when he gets done with a knife, he throws away the knife as though it was also out of ammo.

Oh, that is out of

Wait, is that when he's fighting the guy that I named Jacques Reacher?

Yeah.

Yeah, the

giant guy comes out.

He's got a big meat hook.

And they're like, why would you have a meat hook?

He's like, signature weapon.

You can't start, you can't this late in the movie have a signature weapon.

That doesn't count.

It's already happened.

So yeah, so he has the big fight with Jacques Reacher.

They have the fight that I imagine Eli and Heath having the day before our company actually falls apart, right?

Fucking dumb and ridiculous.

But eventually, and there is a lot of slapping.

Yeah, but it ends with him just shooting the guy in the face.

It's like you're supposed to overpower the big guy, you dumbass.

But no, he just shoots him.

So, okay, so he defeats the big guy.

And so now he's running through

Colin Mockery's layer going, hatch!

Hatch!

And the movie does not realize how silly that is.

It sure does.

Heartbreaking.

So, yeah, so

on his his way through, he just walks right through the fucking murder pit.

So, of course, Colin traps him in the murder pit and shoots him.

Right, like 63 times with a machine gun.

And then he brings out Sarah as a hostage.

And I'm like, you don't need a hostage.

You just shot him 63 times with a machine gun.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And he does.

So Colin Mockery does, I would say, the only acting he deigns to do in this movie at this moment, where he does his sort of villainous, We're All Dead, What Does It Matter Anyways monologue.

But it really feels like Colin just sort of expressing for the first time how he feels about the movie.

He's like, Where am I?

What is this movie about?

You implied that I raped someone.

I'm a grown-up.

I have a daughter.

People could just clip that and send it places.

I was on two beloved Canadian sitcoms.

Put your chest away.

I'm 70.

Ma'am, put those weapon-grade boobs away.

But he shoots Joseph again, 64th times the charm.

Then he turns to shoot Sarah, but just then, Caitlin the doll shows up.

And I'm like, oh, wow, you could have showed up 63 bullets in Joseph ago.

But okay.

Again, no walking budget.

Yeah, right, right, yeah.

No, that's it.

That's it.

No, I had to wait until he came to this thing I was leading against.

Sorry.

And can I say that Caitlin's self-sacrifice, self-sacrifice self-explosion is a little bugs bunny for the tone of this film

yeah yeah yeah it's a little like

that's all folks it's just not me

it didn't there was a rape three scenes ago right and and and then she explodes in a way that you almost expect colin mockriy to have to like pull his duck bill around to the right side of his face again at the end of it.

Yes.

Right.

Which he would have loved to do.

Right.

Well, he would have explained why we had Colin Mockri in the goddamn

It's not for him shooting a gun because that looked absurd.

That's so silly.

Right.

But she blows him up.

Sarah shoots the remaining henchmen, but it's too late.

Joseph is dying squared.

I don't know.

We don't know what happens when you die, but you're dead.

But I guess in this instance, he's undying.

Yeah.

Oh.

Right.

So, so, like, I guess he was temporarily dead after the cops shot him, but they defibrillated him or whatever back into the real world.

So he's like, you know, giving his living words.

I don't know how to even say it at this point.

And this is where he reveals that they had a son who is also dead.

Didn't go looking for him in the afterlife, did he?

Thank you.

There are three minutes in this movie.

Last if you count the credits.

Yeah.

It was insane for them to introduce this at this point.

Also, the fact that he did not go looking for his child, but instead found found his wife and raw dogged her in the band.

He does not tell her about her dead child.

No.

No.

So

in the recent Nosferatu episode that we did, Katie has a theory that men will do literally anything for pussy.

Yeah, that's true.

And this movie backs up that theory right now.

Right, precisely.

Oh, right.

They never got around.

Since I can't fuck you anymore anyway, I might as well tell you about the kid.

Yeah.

So, but he tells her, you need to find our son.

And she's like, yeah, live your life, by the way.

Don't keep pretend, like making yourself die every week to come see me.

And he's like, but you are my life.

He better not get remarried because she's waiting.

Think about the drink that the fucking writer poured for himself after he wrote that fucking line.

Okay.

So then we cut to the, we're back in the real world.

Joseph is going to prison for murdering Ray with a gun.

Right.

Because he should.

Yeah.

Well, they're like, and you dug up your wife's corpse and you carved all those magical tattoos into her.

And we're like, oh, gross.

Yeah, that's fucked up.

Right.

Which means that if they wanted to find their son, he's got to go to an even older coffin and carve and dig up his little boy.

Oh, God.

Ah, daddy's coming, son.

God, Eli.

Here's one of the Pokemon symbols.

Shit.

But see, he doesn't want to fuck his son.

Yeah, right.

He's going to do that.

Less symbols required.

But then we get this weird moment where Sarah finds Ray the priest priest in the afterlife.

This is where she's wearing her cloak, but still her cleavage is visible and her tummy is visible.

She's the duster daddy now.

Yeah.

Full circle.

Yeah.

And he's like, I don't have memories.

And she's like, don't worry about it.

You're way hotter than the guy who played my husband.

I will fill in your memories.

So everyone just has to survive in this post-apocalyptic world after they die.

Like, absolutely, fuck that noise.

Right?

I will not do it.

I'm just dying until I find a place I want to stay.

I'm not saying that constantly.

Where is he dying until I'm in Orlando?

Yeah.

So, God, no.

Give me Monsterverse any day.

So, but yeah, but she like teams up with the, with Ray, and then we cut to the prison where Joseph's being held.

And there's a guy.

He's like,

I see how far into death you got.

I want your help finding my daughter.

And we all wrote in our notes some form of, oh, that's adorable.

They thought there was going to be a sequel and everything.

I wonder if he still thinks that.

He probably does.

It's only been 10 years.

It's plenty of time.

Right.

Yeah, exactly.

Exactly.

Avatar 2 took almost 10 years.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, that's all the movie there is.

And I feel like that's all the movie there's going to be.

Katie,

normally I would say, you know, thanks for suffering alongside us, but I don't think that's appropriate.

for this movie.

So I'm just going to say thanks for hanging out with us.

You're welcome for the boobs.

And thanks for having us.

and thanks for all the tips.

Yeah, thank you for the boobs.

Boobs.

And of course, if our listeners aren't done with you yet, remind us one more time where they can go to hear more from you.

Werewolf ambulance at any of your podcatchers.

You can find us at werewolfambulence.com.

There's a link tree there for all of our business.

We have t-shirts and podcasts and podcasts and t-shirts.

And that's about all we have.

That's really what we have.

Patreon.

Yeah, yeah.

Where you can get extra episodes of us talking about action movies.

Oh, I love action movies.

Yeah, that's about about it, right?

That's it.

That's

existentist.

We're just trying to exist.

Monster hellscape that we've all died into.

No, right, right.

Aren't we all?

Running from Colin Mockri in a Monsterverse would be way better than the current political climate.

I think we can all agree.

There'd at least be more boobs.

Clearly, clearly.

Well, there would be fewer boobs, but better boobs.

Yeah.

And they wouldn't be running our fucking country, the boobs in this instance.

So that is, of course, going to do it for our review of Nightcrist, but that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to loop back around to the start.

So Eli, tell us what's on deck.

The true story of Raul Ries.

Raul abused his wife and hated his father.

His name stood for fear, for fighting, and for fury.

To his high school friends, he was a violent, dangerous combatant.

In Vietnam, he was a top-notch fighting Marine, yet a danger to his own commanding officer.

To others, he was a kung fu expert.

But to his family, he was a time bomb ready to explode at any moment.

Oh, god damn it.

One night, a miracle led Raul back from black rage to inner peace.

Raul Reyes was never the same.

What could change the heart of a man from a desire to kill his own father to a bash to save him?

We'll be watching from fury to freedom.

Oh, and I will be back for that.

I will be back for that.

That sounds amazing.

Okay, so with that to look forward to, we're going to be episode 504 to a merciful close.

Once again, a huge thanks to Werewolf Ambulance for helping out today.

And be sure to check the show notes for a link to their show.

And perhaps even huger thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make this show.

Go.

go.

If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com/slash Godawful and thereby earn early access to an ad-free version of every episode.

You can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms.

And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, The Scathing Atheists, Citation Dated, D and D Minus, and The Skeptocrat, available wherever podcasts live.

If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email at GodawfulMovies at gmail.com.

Tim Robertson takes care of our social media.

Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnick and Vivil Drops on Mars.

All the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morgan Kirk, and was used with permission.

Thanks again for giving us a check for your life this week.

For Heathen Wright and Eli Bosnick, I'm Nelucius promised to work hard to earn another chunk next week.

Until then, we'll leave you with the breakfast club close.

Caitlin walks off this set and onto the set of Puppet Master 17, where she belongs.

Colin Mockery turns to Cameron and says, it's a living.

The guy in charge of the obstructed nudity would go on to work information security for Pete Hegsa.

Turns out the reason that family family was in the monster afterlife is because they were Episcopalian.

Just so you know.

I was so curious what this word was.

That's saying

Episcopalian.

Okay.

You know, if you sound it out, Episcopalian, you doubt it.

That's right.

You got to sound it out.

You can read Eli Bosnick.

Slightly more challenging

acting job than Eli normally gives to our guests.

They get it.

They know.

The last time they were on, Katie Bain broke he, so I figure.

Well, that's why he's not on this time.

He's still

avoiding me.

All right.

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The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle in in the Thunderstorm LLC, Copyright 2025, all rights reserved.

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