503: The Car

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There's been no indication that the car is demonic or supernatural or anything is strange about this except hitting people with a car.

Wade's like, I mean, that's only significant if we're in a movie called The Car about a demonic car.

So I guess we are then.

Yeah.

Not only is there no reason for you to share that information for me, there's no reason for me to care about it.

But since we are in a movie called The Car, that really matters.

Thank you for sharing.

Yeah, but this is the first hint that we get that it is a driverless car.

And fun fact, this movie was actually used to train the AI in the driverless Teslas.

This is

easy to tell how to do that.

Movie, movie, movie, movie.

Welcome back to God-Awful Movies, where each week we watch another terrible movie, so you don't have to.

I'm your host, Teeth Enright, and I'm joined by the Eli Bosnick.

Eli, how's it going?

Yup,

those are fun noises.

Those are fun noises.

And the movie.

And the fun noises that are a great impression of the entire movie just now.

We also have a professional skeptic, polymaths, I think that's how they would say it, and the co-host of the No Rogan Experience Podcast, among others, Michael Marshall.

Marsh, welcome back.

Oh, great to be here.

I'm coming at you in a directly straight line.

It's very threatening.

And as long as you forget that other directions exist, this is going to be very scary for you.

I'll just run straightforward as fast as I can.

Just one dimension, right?

Yeah.

It's just the one.

All right.

Well, what are we talking about?

Marsh, what are we going to be breaking down today?

We watched the car.

So normally here, I'd be saying it's the story of something,

but it isn't.

It is not going to be tricky.

It's not the story.

There isn't a story here.

There is only a car, and apparently it's an evil car.

But if you're looking to find out the why and the how of that, you're in the wrong place.

This isn't that kind of movie.

This is the car.

Yeah, I have on my notes here, kills people, doesn't like backsass, no graveyards.

That's what I have about the entire contents of the movie.

Yep, those are the rules.

And Eli, how bad was this movie?

Well, if you love the killer cars, a maximum overdrive, but that movie was all too realistic and grounded for you, you will love the car.

All right.

And is there anything you'd like to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at?

Yeah, I'm going to say the best worst, escape from the bad guy, because as I've alluded to,

this is a car here.

This is a car that's the bad guy.

And throughout this movie, the car is going to run people over.

And the thing about cars is when they run people over, they do that by going forwards.

Sometimes they do it by going backwards.

And so if you're being chased by said car or the said car is on the horizon coming at you, you can escape that by just not being in front of or behind all the other directions.

All the other directions are other angles.

And

I think there's only one point in this movie that they remember that other angles exist and the car has to be like, well, fuck.

Oh, hang on.

And it has to actually improvise how to hit somebody because it's no longer in front or behind them.

And then they forget that then.

They accidentally expose the weakness of this car in several of the action scenes where someone's running, but they take like slightly too hard a curve and the car is like, well, I've lost you.

The arc of the movie that they eventually get to is the concept of like an arc that goes sideways.

I was going to go with best, best recommendation by the Seth Andrews.

That's why we know about this movie.

And it is.

truly delightful despite all the bad things we're going to say.

It's terrible, but it's also really, really fun.

It's just that 70s thing of like, kind of like Marsh said, they're just like, yeah, we made a movie, it's got a car, and go fuck yourself.

I'm an artist.

I'm done.

I'm done.

We hope you come see it.

Yes.

You were supposed to stop me and say, stop right there when I said it's got a car.

Fuck you.

It rules.

And it's this, it's this pre-irony bad, right?

Because everyone who's starting to do something bad now, like, turns around halfway through and they're like,

These people did it with their fucking heart.

They made the car with their hearts and their souls.

And then they voted for Reagan and destroyed the climate and the economy, but it didn't matter because they made the car with their heart.

This real actor, Josh Brolin, is in this.

Or no, sorry.

Not Josh Brolin.

James Brolin, his father is in this.

He's also a real actor, though.

Yeah, no, James Brolin is a real actor, but I confused James Brolin and Josh Brolin when I saw his name in the credits.

And I was like, this is going to be a very interesting film.

I'm going to go with best, worst cops.

Okay.

So I guess I never realized it before, but what's important for horror movies to like exist is that the cops are for some reason not involved.

Because if the cops get involved, then you need the cops to be incompetent and unable to handle things that we sort of societally and innately understand cops handle and understand.

They don't do that.

So from the first moment of this movie, law enforcement is baffled and, I cannot emphasize this enough, emotionally undone by a car that runs people over.

90 minutes of the movie, they never have any idea what to do with there.

Is a car that is running people over.

They sort of get as far as, well, we could just try asking it to stop.

Well, we have tried that.

Okay, but have we tried again?

Because I think the third or fourth time we do ask it to stop, it might, that's what we've got.

If we don't get past that, that's all we've got.

Can I add one more?

Best, best cat poo.

And we'll get to why that's the thing, but this movie uses that line.

That's a line in the movie better than any other movie.

Yes.

So there's a controversy about this, Heath.

We'll get to it when we get to it, but you just stepped into a deep internet fight that goes back generations, my friend.

A deep internet fight of cat poo?

Yes.

Wow.

Okay.

Well, that is quite interesting.

I'm going to need a quick break to think about it.

And then we'll be back to tell you all about the car

all right guys welcome to the first ever writer's room meeting for the car love it lunch oh sushi oh totally let's do some sushi we need more than the title we got to think of the whole movie oh we did like the car yeah it's it's the car yeah that that's nothing though what what's it about

um it's about a car uh not just any car that's right the car right right the the car but what happens in the movie?

Everything you imagine that happens in a movie called the car, man.

That could be anything.

Could it?

Well, no, okay, no.

Like, I guess it would have to have a car.

Sorry, the car.

Exactly.

Okay, so what are we going to do when it's time to shoot?

Just like tell the cast and crew, it's called the car.

You guys get it, and they'll figure it out.

I was thinking so, yeah.

Well, you know what?

That'll work.

I think that'll work.

Oh, what about the cars?

Wait for the sequel, Craig.

Wait for the sequel.

Okay, how tall is the average QED attendee?

I feel like we just go with the average.

Oh, okay.

But then you're just like standing there, aren't you?

Yeah, yeah, that's fair.

Hey, guys.

What are you doing?

Oh, hello, Marsh.

Heath and I are just getting ready for the final QED.

Yeah.

Kind of a shopping list.

A shopping list?

Why do you need a shopping list?

Because we got to save money.

Watch our spending, Marsh.

Yeah.

Budgets matter, especially now.

Especially now.

Right.

Well, why don't you just try Rocket Money?

Oh, what's

Rocket Money?

Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps you.

find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings.

So if we bought like a bunch of rope, for instance, for QED

a lot of rope.

Rocket Money could help you with that.

Yeah.

Rocket Money's dashboard gives you a clear view of your expenses across all of your accounts.

Plus, the new goals feature automatically saves money for you so you don't even have to think about it.

Oh, we don't need to save for anything, Marsh.

Not anymore.

Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has saved a total of 500 million dollars in canceled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when they use all of the app's premium features.

QED was a premium feature of our lives.

Yeah.

The premium feature, if you think about it.

I do think about it.

I do too.

Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with rocket money.

Go to rocketmoney.com/slash awful movies today.

That's rocketmoney.com/slash awful movies.

Rocketmoney.com/slash awful movies.

Rocket money.

Because you don't know what you've got till it's gone.

Marsh.

Yes, thank you.

I get it.

And we're back.

And we're going to start with a quote from Anton LeVay.

Yes, history is goth kid, Who founded the church of Satan?

That guy, he said, oh, great brothers of the night, who rideth out upon the hot winds of hell, who dwelleth in the devil's lair, move and appear.

So the quote was basically, hey, bad boys, get to it.

That is basically the quote.

And it's the let's go girls of Satanism.

It absolutely is, yeah.

And just a reminder, the person they used to start their movie, Anton LeVay, lied about literally everything in his whole stupid life.

Or did he?

He did.

He did.

He said he was in the San Francisco Philharmonic at age 15 as an oboe player.

He was not.

He said he was a psychic homicide detective, whatever that means, for the San Francisco Police Department.

And he would catch murderers by like talking to the dead victims psychically.

Yeah.

He said he beat up tigers by zapping them with gamma waves from his brain when he was a tiger wrangler at some point.

He said he secretly played Satan in Rosemary's Baby.

I don't know why you would ever lie your way into an association with Roman Polanski, but he did.

It was cool at the time.

It was cool.

It was probably cool at the time, whatever.

Yeah.

He said he had affairs with Jane Mansfield and Marilyn Monroe.

Absolutely not.

Sure didn't.

This part, I think, is real.

He made fuckbots with mannequins, and then he put latex masks of his friends on the mannequins, which is terrifying.

He also predicted AI fuckbots way back in the day.

Yeah.

So that guy.

Who would have ever thought we would have fuckbots?

Yeah.

And we would want them as realistic as possible.

Right.

So anyway, that guy,

yeah.

The car.

Now we get the title card.

That guy said things go on roads.

And this movie is about a thing that is evil that goes on roads yeah ergo so quote that's how we're starting the movie and it's got a demon thing so church of satan something like that we see a car driving ominously through the southwest yeah and this screen was so blank for so long i checked twice if i had accidentally paused i did the like oh did i actually pause thing and i was like oh no it's just a blank screen and then i was like maybe i paused while i was checking to see if it was a blank screen yeah i'm exactly the same.

But the only thing that showed me that it wasn't paused is the camera was very slightly shaking, like it was being held by someone withdrawing from alcohol as they watched this kind of car approach.

That's the only clue that this wasn't a still image.

Yeah.

It felt like they were going to do some like Wiley Coyote stuff because we get that Southwest shot for a while.

They kind of do, actually, by the end of the day.

I was going to say, I will say, I think I put this later in my notes, but if you're watching along with us at home, and I know that some people do, if you picture the car being driven by the Roadrunner from Looney Tunes, the entire movie, not only is it way more fun, it actually tracks entirely.

Like, beep, you get a lot of meep, beep, instead of meep, meep.

It's very similar.

It absolutely is.

It's the only thing that the car says is beep beep.

Yeah, yeah.

So, from there, we see Peter and Susie, a couple, and they're biking together through this scene in the southwest, and the evil car is following them.

And we know it's an evil car because the car sees in orange filter.

Sepia, right, yeah.

Sepia, whatever.

It is so weird we get the car's eye view, not just a car's eye view, but the car's eye view that we're seeing them chasing down these two cyclists.

Also, the cyclists aren't cycling that fast.

Okay, it's downhill, but they're still only cyclists.

So this evil car has to be barely like trying to catch up to them, how long it takes.

This car chase of the cyclist, the car is really holding back the whole time.

Yeah, the film was probably shot at 22 miles an hour.

Yeah, so the death car comes up behind them and the car's honking at them like as a warning.

And like Mars said, they're cyclists.

They're going kind of slow in a road.

And I was like, okay, I'm.

I'm kind of fine with these people getting killed if they don't like get out of the way after all this honking.

Like they're just in the way now.

The first scene of this movie could very well be two bicyclists who murder themselves by not pulling over when a car is directly behind them.

Yeah.

Right.

But they don't pull over and the car pulls up next to Susie and knocks her over a cliff off the side.

Yeah, although the car waits until there's a very small wall there because the car doesn't want to have it too easy to knock her off the cliff.

They need to go off like a bank shot off the cushion to like ricochet her off the cliff.

Yeah.

So Susie gets knocked and then the car gets behind Peter.

And we get this shot.

They're trying to like make it scary as fast as possible.

And the shot is like a car right behind the back tire of this guy.

And it's like edging the back tire, like almost touching it and then not, and then almost touching it and not.

Hey, man, I don't think that's what edging means.

That can be edging.

I felt edged.

I'd be all.

Just the tip.

It's rare that we tell on ourselves so openly on the edge.

Just a bumper to see how he's.

I don't know.

How do you?

It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter.

So the car's approaching him like you intercept like battery on your nipples right and you're just really putting those clips on there it's like that

i don't think that's how anyone uses the term edging you know how that happens and then you get knocked off the side of a bridge also sexually yeah that that's what happens next peter gets on a bridge and then gets permission to come

And the demon car knocks Peter off the side of the bridge.

Yes, it does.

But this is Peter's fault because he's been chased by a demon car.

And again, rather than just either pulling over or just swerving onto the opposite side of the road and putting the brakes on, the car will go right past because it can't respond as quickly.

He thinks the best way to escape is onto a bridge where there's literally nowhere else to go other than a 70-foot drop or something down on the other, like down at the floor underneath.

It's Peter's fault that he got on the bridge.

Just don't get on the bridge here.

Do anything else other than get on the bridge.

This is the first of so many times where it's just like, oh, go sideways, sideways.

I wanted the camera to pan down to the standby-me kids, and they were like, well, that's not how you avoid something that's coming at you.

Yeah.

So they both get killed and we see one shoe on the side of the bridge or a little bit earlier.

I think it was Susie's shoe, just to show that somehow this knocked off one shoe as part of the murder.

And one bike.

The bike has lost one wheel.

Yeah.

She has lost one shoe.

It's very much a one constituent part left kind of accident.

Is that what we're going on here?

Yeah.

So from there, we cut over to James Brolin.

He's going to be our protagonist.

He's Officer Wade in the movie.

And he gets woken up with some nibbling by his lady friend named Lauren.

I wrote my notes.

This is how women had to wake their husbands when they needed them to get a credit card.

And at this point, Wade is, he's styled like the evil cowboy who's third in command of the bad guy gang, who then sells them out to the other bad guy gang.

That's what he looks like throughout this entire thing.

He gets his own scene while the protagonist kills him, but it's not a long scene.

And it's not at the end of the movie.

The 70s was a confusing time because everybody kind of looked like what Marsh said just now.

So like,

that's what's happening there.

He wakes up and he goes to brush his teeth and he yells from the bathroom, hey, you can't brush your teeth without wiggling your ass.

Yeah, you ever notice it's impossible to brush your teeth without wiggling your ass?

Gentlemen, this is a phenomenon I have not experienced.

Oh, I actually checked and it's kind of true for me.

What?

Because it's just you're like you're doing a body wiggle and like your ass is like right in the middle of the body and it just kind of has to wiggle a little bit.

Why are you doing a body wiggle while you're I'd like to get into it?

I was edging.

Are you talking electric toothbrush or non-electric toothbrush?

I think this is non-electric toothbrush because you're doing the manual brushing at that point.

I think this is something that no longer happens because we've got electric toothbrush.

We just hold it on the tooth.

Yeah, because we're using electric toothbrushes because it's 2020 fucking fast.

Yeah, he was definitely not using an electric.

I wish I had an out, out, but I was using the walk.

Okay, well, you're just a weird bit.

If you just learned anything on today's episode of God Off a Movies, it's that Heath is a pervert.

Weren't you at the same time practicing your ventriloquism act?

Because he seems to be.

Because while he's saying about how you can't brush your teeth without wiggling your ass, he's doing it with perfect diction, despite having a mouthful of toothpaste and toothbrush.

And he continues having a conversation while brushing his teeth, and his diction is perfect throughout.

It's incredible.

Okay, well, I was, and I'm glad that Marsh is reading my newsletter.

Eli, eli no i never do well it's working less of your edging practice

so they start fooling around when he comes back from the bathroom and we get kind of a crazy moment lauren during the fooling around the beginning part she just this is the lady she just grabs his dick and she says that's a little move i learned from a fourth grader and i was like what the fuck is happening right now so she needed a child to teach her how to grab someone's dick in order to stop them.

Because he's fooling around.

He's like, it's play fighting.

And then it starts to sort of edge on borderline sex crime.

Like she's very not into it all of a sudden.

And then she grabs his cocks around.

But did she happen to be taught that by a child?

She, as a grown adult, couldn't have figured out that there's an exposed vulnerable spot right there.

It needed a child's eyes to give her that information.

She did at the end.

Right.

She's a teacher at a junior high that includes this.

Apparently, a fourth grade girl taught her this move.

The girl would grab the boys' dicks and take their lunch money.

But yeah, so she sneaks out because he's got two daughters in the house and she doesn't want to have like the awkward moment.

No, but throughout this, she's being very loud about this whole thing.

She's almost like they're loudly play fighting.

It's almost like they're about to loudly fuck.

At a point, his daughters come and put their ears to the door, which again is going to be just a load of therapy just waiting to happen when they do hear everything that's going on.

But after all of that, she says, well, I just need to leave discreetly because I don't want your daughter to know that I'm here.

But you've been shouting all sorts of weird things and involving yourself in like this weird, loud, play fight-turned semi-sex crime going on.

I think they've heard that.

It would have been funny if one of the daughters was like, I'm the fourth grader, taught you that.

Karate, go on, get him.

Yeah, I just, I, again, I don't understand why it has to be a secret.

It's never really explained what their relationship dynamic is because, and I can't emphasize this enough, everyone starts getting chased by an evil car and they get pretty distracted.

That's a very good point.

Yeah, also, his bedroom has a back door, so she leaves through the back door of his bedroom.

Whose bedroom has a back door into a second corridor?

I've never seen it before.

James Brolin, that's him.

Only people in a French farce.

Yeah, exactly.

So you know where to hide your mistress at any given point.

So you can then get them confused as to what you were saying to which one of them.

Dress them as the maid.

Yeah, exactly.

My great-grandma and Amelia Earhart had a situation like that with a bad dog.

See, it's all

the same.

So it does make sense.

So, anyway, she leaves and then we cut over to a guy playing a French horn on the side of the road in Utah.

Yeah, I wrote in my notes.

This is what I picture Heath doing when he's not returning my text.

Yeah, this is also where we meet a very strange character named Amos.

He's an abusive husband and we find out right away he's yelling at his wife, Bertha, and then French horn guy tries to help defuse that.

And then Amos, the abuser, starts yelling at French horn guy.

Yeah, and so he is abusive.

Now, here's a quick question: Does the movie know that domestic violence is bad?

Will it know that domestic violence is bad throughout the entire course of the movie, or will we forget that and start lauding him as a hero in the back?

He does become a hero in the backseat.

It needs to be way more clear what the movie's opinion is.

Yeah, I feel like 11 minutes before the end of the movie, they were like, Okay, who are the named characters?

And they were like, Well, the only named character that's not part of the movie right now is Amos, the horrific wife abuser.

And they were like,

Well, he could be a part of the ending, I guess, right?

There's no reason who hasn't occasionally, but yeah, this is this is where we establish him as an abuser.

And again, like, like Keith said, he gets confronted.

It occurred to me watching this how hard it is to confront an abuser in any situation, let alone when you're holding a French horn.

It's just everything has that real silly twist to it.

When you're like, one second, let me put, okay, I got to fit it into the case.

I have strong words with you about women's rights as soon as I can.

I need to empty it.

It's got saliva in, but I don't have to sit down in any way undermine the severity of this moment.

But then I'm going to talk to you about domestic violence.

Yeah.

So Amos yells at him and he's like, leave now, or I'm going to shove that French horn up your ass.

You'll be farting music for years.

And then French horn guy's like, farting music, that'd be fantastic.

Strange moment.

And he's like a wandering French horn minstrel guy.

Yeah, wandering French horn minstrel.

A finstrel, if you will.

Okay, well, he's like, all right, I'll get out of here.

Sorry, sorry.

And he's going to hitch a ride to somewhere else.

And he sees a car coming up the road.

So far away.

That's the other thing about this movie.

Car chasers often happen with like twisty rods because then that's interesting.

But none of the rods in this are twisty.

They're pretty much all just completely flat, completely straight for as far as you can see.

And so he's waiting for this car to arrive.

We're going to find out it's the car, but he has to wait so long that he basically has to filibuster its arrival because it's just taking forever to get there.

He vamps for a while and it goes badly, right?

Like, because what he's supposed to do is like one or two lines, right?

Like, oh, there's going to be a hot babe in this car, right?

But then because the car is still seven minutes of driving away, he's like, and she.

is going to like board games, not just two-player board games.

She's going to like want to get people together.

Oh, God, still so far away.

I'm just going to send a text.

ETA.

Here's a list of my favorite boards.

Oh, thank God.

I'm getting hit by a car.

Yeah.

So, not surprisingly, it's the evil car.

It flies up, almost runs him over, and he yells at the demon car.

He yells, up yours with a splintered fiddle.

So that's a theme now.

That's like a kink of the movie: objects

in asses.

Music.

Yeah.

Now, I will also say that this establishes the killing pattern, I think, for the car, which is the car kills people

who yell at it.

Yeah,

it seems to respond to criticism and then it becomes a fight.

And that's what happens here.

The car hears, I guess, the yelling and stops and then goes back, runs the guy over, and then runs him over a couple more times and then flies off.

Do you think it's spooked?

Do you think that's what it is?

The car is just misunderstood.

And that it's just like when you yell at it, it kind of gets scared.

Like when you get one of those little dogs that because they're so little, they have to be super aggressive in order to hold their own space.

Do you think the car is that?

The chihuahua of demonstrations.

No, don't worry.

He's the car's more scared of you than you are of it.

It's just

relax.

Just don't make eye contact with its lights or some its grill.

I don't know.

Project, project the good vibes.

Project the good vibes.

Go to its owner's house.

They're like, oh, that's his chair.

And you're like, he's a car.

And it's like, it's his chair.

I do believe the movie wants some amount of sympathy or empathy for the car character.

I think that's true.

I think the movie wants it to be a little bit ambiguous.

Who's the good guy here?

The murder car or anybody else?

Yeah.

Oh, the people getting murdered.

Yeah.

So he gets killed.

French horn guy's dead.

And then we cut over to Wade's daughters.

That would be Lynn-Marie and Deborah.

And they're playing hopscotch before school in helmets that they're wearing.

Did he make them put a helmet on for the hopscotch?

I thought, because I think they didn't.

I think the helmets are because they're about to get on a motorbike.

Yeah, but like, that wasn't clear.

So he just says, make sure you've got your helmets on.

And then we see them playing hopscotch.

And it just made it seem like he's a wildly overprotective parent when he's had a really fussy helicopter parent.

I like the idea that it was just like a really violent feud of hopscotch between these two sisters that requires helmets.

After your last concussion, we're doing helmets only hopscotch from now on.

So now Wade gets a call on the radio from the police station.

He drops the kids at school and now he's got to go check out the crime scene where dead French horn guy is.

Okay, I have a thought about this next scene because without my theory, I think this scene is fucking batshit and makes no sense, right?

So here's what I'm going to propose.

I think the performance of Amos in this next scene, because spoiler podcast listener, they're going to talk to Amos about the accident that just happened with French Hornguy, and he's going to be fucking nutty as shit.

We'll talk about that in a second.

Here's my theory.

My theory is amos gives that performance so that we the viewer are supposed to suspect that he is the one in the car that killed the hitchhiker oh and that's why the cops are kind of like asking questions angrily as if they suspect him yes but that makes no sense because we saw the car

a long way away

Amos went into his trailer and the car started arriving from the horizon.

That makes because I was very confused by this because I thought Amos must have phoned in this this hit and run.

He must have.

Who else would have phoned it in?

Yeah.

But then he's covering for the car.

Like he's in cahoots with the evil murder car.

He's doing the class.

I expected Batman to show up and start hanging him over the side of a roof or something.

It's the classic, like, I don't know nothing, Kappa.

Nothing, I say, nothing.

Okay, what if he summoned the car in like a headless horseman kind of style?

Sure.

dug up the car's steering wheel and then he has the steering wheel and he has to tell the car that the steering wheel is owned by by the guy with the French horn who wants to fart music.

And then the car comes for revenge.

Okay.

Yeah, this is the where's my toe.

I guess that would track at this moment.

Solid theory.

I'll tell you this: tracks more than the fucking movie.

It does, it does.

Everything tracks more than the movie.

We're out here problem solving with skeptic of the year of Michael Marshall.

That's what we're fucking right with.

So, anyway, the cops ask him about the specifics of the car.

He says, I didn't see the plate.

I don't know.

All we learn, really, though, is that he has a dynamite truck that's going to matter maybe later.

They just start by telling us that for a second.

At the very end of the movie.

I didn't even pick that up.

So later, it was even more confusing as to why he came back in particular.

I didn't even clock the fact that there was a dynamite truck in.

It's so clunky the way it happens.

This scene literally starts with Amos being like, that's my dynamite truck for later, man.

Anyway, let's talk about what happened now.

Yeah, on the side of the truck is just Chekhov's dynamite.

It's just on the side of the truck.

Which again meant the writers of this movie were like, How can we introduce a dynamite truck?

I'll know.

How about the owner of the dynamite truck?

Is a vicious wife abuser, vicious wife abuser?

Excellent.

Yeah, yum.

It's very strange.

So the cops are like, All right, we're going to put out an APB for some sort of murderous guy in a car.

And then we cut over to the police station, and there's a cop on the phone.

He starts the scene by saying into the phone, I'm going to track you down and shoot an arrow up your ass.

So, just another example of objects going in asses.

It felt like way too much, way too fast.

Interesting.

Thank you for touching on the theme.

Yeah, English class.

We love it.

I should explain that this chief character, Chaz.

Chaz.

Yes, Chaz is his name, but he is like, he's not the police chief.

He's like the assistant police chief.

Rank is very confusing in this movie.

At one point, a guy puts on a sheriff's badge, and I was like, I really need you not to do that.

I'm really having a hard time keeping track of your org chart as it is.

But he is like an assistant to the head chief of the

Native American or a First Nation people, depending on

how he self-defines.

And the entire movie will spend every white character will racially abuse him for no reason the entire film.

It's ridiculous.

Yeah, he's Navajo.

He speaks Navajo in the movie later.

So he's assuming.

Yeah, at least speaks that language.

But even the phone call that he's getting right now is racially abusive.

We introduce him being racially abused over the phone by this unseen voice, and then he's immediately straight after that racially abused by the script writer who continues to do that throughout the process of the movie.

Yeah, yeah, I think he just gets a morning phone call from the local racist being like, Hey, Chaz, it's uh, Chris.

He wants to call and yell some racism at you.

And he's like, Oh, okay, yeah, no, I got it.

It is 2 p.m.

Yeah, okay, right.

Another strange thing going on in this scene is that Wade is getting changed into his police uniform in the middle of the office.

Yeah, you've seen him butting up his shirt and like tucking his shirt into really tight pants.

No locker room, huh?

Just getting it out there in the office.

Yeah.

And again, we won't go into the details of it because it's actually really like sort of boring and strenuous.

But what we watch happen in this scene that will happen a bunch through the rest of the movie is we'll watch these cops, or I'm going to say these actors who were written by a screenwriter, figure out how cops would look for a car painfully and slow because they're like, all right, well, guys, there's a car out there and we need to get it.

And they're like, well, what the, what do we do?

And he's like, God, great question.

It's not one of you, is it?

And they're like, no.

And he's like, fuck, I'm out of idea.

Like, I cannot explain.

And I will, I will try not to, because it would make a nine-hour episode of our podcast every moment where they just have to figure out the most basic of police work.

What do police do about cars that are doing?

We should call the cops.

So from there, we cut over to the school where Lauren teaches, and she's running a band rehearsal outside in in the yard of the school.

She is.

She's conducting the brass section, but that's, that's not a euphemism, just to be clear.

And when they finish, she says, that was delicious.

It was not.

It was not.

She's a liar.

Yeah.

So the principal, I'm assuming, comes over and is like, I need to speak with you, Lauren.

And the principal shows Lauren that a student drew like a pencil sketch of her naked, like standing next to a chalkboard.

And the principal's mad because you're not supposed to be attractive to 13-year-old boys, apparently, is the scolding.

Yeah, well, she's like, do you think it's healthy for a 13-year-old boy to imagine his teacher naked?

And Lauren very reasonably says yes.

But also, the pencil sketch is like good.

It is really good.

It's like a weird New Yorker cartoon.

Like it's not.

There's a little too good.

It's not the nakedness that 13-year-old boys, in my humble experience, are drawing.

Can I say it?

It's death.

There's a deafness to the curves.

I'm pretty sure there's an artist's eye.

some artistry to be encouraged there yeah thank you yeah but also the the other sign that there's some artistry here is that he appears to have drawn it on a scroll because the headmistress has to unfurl it from a little kind of rolled up scroll and it's massive it's on such a large piece of paper so i think she's mostly annoyed that they've used up the school supply of papyrus yeah and we've got to go back and get some more it's a big format it's a triptych yeah

and then we meet for a second margie i believe which is another teacher and a friend of Lauren.

And Margie's like,

you think principal lady's ever fucked before?

And they're like, no, she's never fucked before.

Nah, she's never fucked before.

So now Wade and Luke show up at the school in their cop car.

To inform them what's happening in the movie.

Well, yeah, all we learn from this moment is Luke, one of the other cops being like, I'm two years sober in case that matters later, like the dynamite or whatever.

I don't know.

And then they get a radio call that they have to go check out the dead biker scene.

Guys, there's more movie.

This part is just summing up the rest of the movie.

Okay, cool.

Well, now that we, now that we know Luke is sober, yeah.

So they drive away and they go to the scene where the bike people got killed and they see one shoe and a bike wheel.

And we've got the station chief there who we haven't met before.

And he is basically like rassen, frassen, frassen over the dead girl, sort of annoyed about it.

You can see he's like muttering to himself over the, over her body.

Yeah.

And again, I cannot emphasize enough how absolutely decimated all the cops are by any of the deaths deaths in this film, right?

The majority of this movie is cops like running to front, center, stage of camera and being like, I didn't know people died.

I didn't know.

And us just being like, hey, are you going to do a harm?

You know what it's, you know what it was like?

It was like they told all the people playing cops in this movie that they were in the kid dies drama genre, but didn't tell them they were going to include so many shots of the scary car, right?

It feels like Rabbit Hole.

It's the performances of Rabbit Hole in Friday the 13th.

Yeah.

And then we get we get this long segment of like town gossip to kind of figure out who got killed here.

They find out that Susie is the one who got killed.

That's the body they have.

And they know that because of a heart-shaped locket.

So apparently all the cops know who's got what lockets, I guess.

Oh my God, other people's work drama of the movie.

Right.

We got a very long backstory about Pete, the other cyclist.

It's a very, very long backstory about how his troubled upbringing and this cop taking him under his wing.

And it's starting to make me feel that this movie was a biography of Pete, the missing cyclist, after a while.

Yeah, they go into a lot of detail here.

We learned that Peter was in the Bible class that was run by Officer Luke.

And I was like, that's fucking weird.

Oh, no, it's Utah.

It does make sense.

Yeah, no, it does.

For sure.

And they all decide, like, okay, well, we're clearly dealing with a serial killer in a car.

That's the plot now.

Guys, I checked the title of the movie.

It's the car.

So I think we can blame just one great

singular.

So Chief Everett, who we meet here too, he's the cop in charge.

He's like, all right, shut down the county, seal off all the roads.

They're doing roadblocks.

And then we're back at the station and Wade is telling everyone how to set up roadblocks, like the details of that.

It's also, he's doing that by handing them them Manila folders with their assignments in as well as how to do it.

And I don't think cops, especially when it comes to roadblocks, I don't think you get your assignment in a Manila like folder that you have to open up that tells you how and where the roadblock goes.

I really wanted it to just open up and we see like just a piece of paper that says block road with your car.

Sorry, you want us to block road?

Do you have a dossier that would explain the details?

Oh, yeah, no, I'll give everyone a multi-page plan for that.

And then we get this fucking bizarre scene.

I'll try and go quick because it never matters matters to the movie okay so you remember abuser guy from the beginning of the movie podcast listener okay now the chief of police in a completely straight-faced dramatic scene is trying to convince his wife to press charges and she refuses that is the whole it is a fucking svu scene drops from the sky into the center of the motherfucking car so that's true but you're missing one crucial detail that I think really elevates this scene is that while, and this is Bertha is the wife, so that you've got the, you've got Everett sat down with Bertha, he's holding her hand, he's trying to sort of talk her through why it's so important to make this step to protect yourself.

Amos has stood behind them at the inch behind them, right there the whole time.

It's like, well, maybe don't do this in front of her abusive husband.

Maybe that's why she's so fucking reluctant to do anything.

Licking a knife back and forth while she decides.

Yeah.

And also Bertha is way more bruised since the last time we saw her.

We didn't see her or amos even coming into the police station so we didn't see that happening but she's way more bruised since we last saw her and i just assumed that that's what happens when you go into an american police station that at some point they just yeah they're getting bruised yeah stand up with us

such a strange subplot no reason to have it well hopefully no reason to have it hopefully the spousal abuse won't be a red herring and then they're going to try to redeem that character hopefully that doesn't happen in the movie we're going to take a quick break and then we'll be back with more the car car.

And it appears that whoever ran him down did it on purpose.

Holy shit.

What the fuck are we going to do?

This, this is horrible.

Right.

Yeah.

We're going to track this bastard down and we're going to bring him down.

How are we going to do that?

I have no idea what I'm doing.

Okay.

Well, we're going to set up roadblocks to stop him.

I have no idea what that is.

And what if he doesn't stop?

What the heck?

Okay, guys, guys, guys, we're cops.

Okay.

We've stopped people in cars.

We don't want to stop before.

We're doing that.

Have we?

I don't remember that.

Okay, this might be a little harder than I thought it was going to be.

It seems simple.

I feel like we need tape.

Tape.

Yes, tape.

Okay.

But then if we beat Stephen Town by two, we're well out of relegation.

I feel like you made up like all but two words of that sentence.

I didn't.

Guys, guys, I got great news.

Oh, really?

What's that?

So, you know how Marsh's new thing is

breaking people's hearts?

Really, guys?

Both ads this week.

Yeah, this is our thing for a while.

We do not process change well.

Right.

Anyway, yes, my new thing is breaking hearts.

What is it?

Well, now you can do it for way cheaper with Mint Mobile.

What's Mint Mobile?

Great question.

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All right.

Well, Marsh, probably have some people to tell their puppies are sick, something like that.

Probably doesn't call till they're dead, anyways.

I am still doing skepticism, you know.

You know, I've got loads of exciting things to do.

Nobody cares.

Whatever, man.

And we're back.

When we left off, Officer Luke was rattled from all the death in town.

So he sneaks out to his secret stash of whiskey in the trunk of his car.

And of course, he's two years sober and this is Utah.

So it's a big deal.

Yeah.

Have you ever been?

and like run accidentally into someone else's family drama, right?

Like you're talking and you're like, oh, it's like the movie Clowns.

And they're like, oh, no.

And like, you watch everyone freeze but you and you have to be like, oh, that's what this movie is like.

It's like walking into someone else's family drama, the horror movie.

But also, he's keeping his secret stash of booze in the boot of his police car, which seems like an incredibly stupid place to keep it because I imagine with a working car, you're going to be in and out of that trunk the entire day for all sorts of,

or you would be if you knew how to police in any way.

So maybe it's actually a really secure place for your secret stash because none of the police have ever thought to look in the trunk of the police car.

Nope.

Because that's where you keep the police things.

Continuing to support my theory that this is everyone in the movie's first day as a police officer.

There's a prequel to this movie where everyone gets killed who was a cop and this townsfolk just sort of pick up their outfits and take them on.

Very strange.

So now we're back inside the station and Chief Everett reveals that he's especially sympathetic to Bertha, the domestic abuse victim, because he went to high school with her.

And he says, she was my first, as in like sex.

Is that what that meant?

I assume sex, yeah.

But this makes, this was mind-blowing to me because she's there, like as she's walking out, she's walking out with a kid.

We didn't know she had a kid.

Her husband looks way too old to be having a kid as young as this is.

But this is a film made in the 70s.

So I assume, okay, Bertha and the husband are about 30 and just people were a bit rough back then.

Everybody went from 18 to 55.

Yeah,

everyone smoked their breakfast.

But then we found out that the chief went to school with Bertha and the chief is very clearly in his late 60s.

So like, if she is the same age as that chief, that child is a medical marvel.

It's an absolute miracle.

Yeah.

It's true.

When he said, I went to high school with her, I wrote in my notes as what?

Her principal?

And like the chief, maybe don't casually talk about how he once fucked the domestic abuse victim you've just seen.

It's maybe not great in the workplace.

The movie definitely wants us to think that this is a moment of like fondness or tenderness, but it's like terrifying.

And then there's just a pause and then it's basically, so shots, shots, shots.

Literally, that's the whiskey's in.

Very strange.

Like actually, he's like, yeah, so spousal abuse, that's like really.

Really sad.

I hate this.

Shots?

Shots at the club?

Literally says shots at the club immediately after that.

Yeah.

I know we exaggerate for comedic effect podcast listener, but I promise that is exactly what happens.

Yeah.

We also see Wade looking at the giant topographical like relief map, like the size of the entire wall of the police station that just shows like their area, their county.

And he's, I guess, looking for...

good spots for a murder car to hide out.

A demon car.

Yeah, where a demon car might hide.

Some of the flat bits, not the lumpy bits.

He's trying to rule the lumpy bits out because cars want like lumpy.

Right.

Then they cut over over to just outside of the station and Amos, the abuser, is being abusive to his wife and family some more at the car they're about to leave in.

And then the murder car turns its lights on and slowly rolls ahead.

It decides to attack at this moment.

It runs towards Amos, the abuser, but Amos like dives out of the way and Chief Everett, who is outside now, gets run over by the car.

And he is instantly dead as well, like instantly dead.

The second he hits the ground, he's dead.

There's not a mark on him, he's completely, he seems fine.

No missing shoes for this guy, yeah.

Yeah, I can only assume it was the COVID vaccine that got him.

He's one of these died suddenly.

We'll see him in a

so now.

Amos goes back in the station with Wade to describe what just happened.

They're both yelling at each other.

He explains, like, it's the same evil car.

I'm sure of it.

And again, I just have to clarify: everybody in the room, in this police station, is clueless as to how to stop what they now believe to just be a guy in a car who runs people over.

They're screaming and gnashing teeth.

It reminds me of like those old scenes in the Bible after God would like throw a fireball at the Jews for the 11th time for worshiping Baal or something.

That's how everyone is reacting to this double homicide at this point.

This is ashes and sackcloth, yeah.

Exactly.

Do you think the cars, like cars as a concept, this is only the 70s.

Do you think cars as a concept just made it to Utah?

And maybe that's why.

This is the first time anyone.

I told you those carriages were a bad idea.

Nobody needs to go that fast.

Nobody.

We also learned that there was another witness to this particular car murder, an old Navajo lady.

She saw it too.

And she's explaining what she saw.

And Officer Chaz is translating from the Navajo.

Well, he's translating some of it.

Okay, so here's what they're trying to do.

They're setting up the dramatic effect of later it's going to be revealed there was nobody in the car.

That's her thing, right?

But what happens in the scene, because they're trying to set that up, is he goes, did you tell me what you just said?

And Chaz goes, most of it.

And Wade has no follow-up questions.

He's like, well, all right, as long as I got the majority of it.

All right.

Good talk.

Yeah, she also said that bad things are coming with the winds, according to Chaz's translation.

And that is like the Anton LeVay quote, I guess, that's telling telling us that there is, in fact, some sort of wind-based demon at play.

Yeah.

And it's like she causes it in the movie.

Because if you'll remember, from this point up until now in the movie, the car has not been preceded by a wind, but it's like the car hears the old Navajo lady say that and it's like, ah, shit.

So from now on, there will be a wind right before the car shows up.

Oh, this is perfect.

I wanted a theme to my thing.

I wanted like a little, you know, ominous thing that starts through the dust kicks up a little bit.

That's perfect.

Yeah.

It's also great.

We see some of the other police trying to figure out, as Eli is saying, at one point, they get a phone call because they've put out to all the other nearby states or nearby kind of areas about we need to look out for a black car.

And they've heard somebody reported that a black car has been seen somewhere in another state.

So yeah, it's probably the same one.

How many black cars are there?

Black is quite a common color for cars, but they seem to think this is a red hot lead.

Absolutely red-hot lead.

Yeah.

And once again, all of the cops are baffled.

They're just like, what the fuck do we do now?

Well, if he's in a, I have no idea.

We're going to have to have a team meeting to vote out.

We have a can of gas in the center of a big hoop, and then we yank it real fast.

Oh, God, that's good.

Let's pin in that until the meeting tomorrow.

We'll figure it out.

We'll figure it out.

So they meet up the next day in the station.

And the plan is keep trying to catch the evil car.

Wait, it gives him a speech.

And he's like, thanks for, I don't know, what we're cops.

Do more cop stuff still.

Cool.

And then donna the dispatch officer gets a call and explains that the school principal wants to do the rehearsal for the parade they're going to be having and wade is worried because there's possibly a demon car about hey I know that a car has killed three people and counting and we don't know where it is.

Should we fill a road with innocent children?

And Wade is like,

tough, tough question.

Can it be specifically innocent children being trained to walk in a very specific

line in a uniform fashion?

Yeah.

So Wade tells Officer Tattleman that he's in charge of the parade rehearsal and he's got to make sure they do it after 3.30.

I don't know why the time of day would matter to the demon car, but Wade's word.

Car's got a day job.

Yeah.

I also like that Officer Tattleman is his name.

Like a cop in Utah named Tattleman is fucking perfect.

Yeah, it's pretty good.

And then Donna Dispatch has a little bit more info.

She also speaks Navajo and she's like, hey, so it's good Chaz isn't here right now.

He was translating the other day and he held something back.

That lady also said there was no driver in the car.

Right.

And again, because there's been no indication that the car is demonic or supernatural or anything is strange about this except hitting people with a car, Wade's like, I mean, that's only significant if we're in a movie called The Car about a demonic car.

So, I guess we are then.

Yeah,

not only is there no reason for you to share that information for me, there's no reason for me to care about it.

But since we are in a movie called The Car, that really matters.

Thank you for sharing.

Yeah, but this is the first hint that we get that it is a driverless car.

And fun fact, this movie was actually used to train the AI in the driverless Teslas.

This is

to tell us how to do that.

So, from there, we cut to a cop lying on the hood of his cruiser.

And I guess this is like the roadblock net that they set up.

He's hoping to catch the demon car in a speed trap and pull him over.

So from there, Wade gets a radio from Donna Dispatch saying that they found Peter's body.

He's the other biker.

So Wade goes to check out that scene.

And he sees the dead body and he looks up at the bridge and he's like, hmm, maybe this bridge is the blue one.

Wait, is this movie called The Car or the Bridge?

I need to know right now.

Okay.

And then he radios back to Donna and he's like, All right, any news on the wire or whatever?

And she's like, Nope, totally safe, quiet.

Nothing bad is happening.

And I was like, okay, murder car's got to like levitate up right now.

And it almost does.

It almost does.

Oh my God.

I made a joke.

We'll talk about it when it happens.

I make a joke that comes true several points during this movie.

It's phenomenal.

So, yeah, they just show the murder car kind of having a nice little afternoon sightseeing.

The Red Rocks.

It might as well cross out the chief on a giant photo with its tire or something.

So from there, we cut over to Lauren, and now she's leading the parade rehearsal with all the kids.

And it's crazy.

They seem to be practicing for the parade on a literal speedway track.

Yeah.

Arguably the worst place to do that if there is, in fact, a demonic murder car around.

I had no idea what this was.

I just, I couldn't tell because this is such a grim little town.

I couldn't tell.

Is that a field?

Are they stomping in the desert?

I just, I do not understand America.

I couldn't understand what, how they would even have this.

But if it's a speedway track, that makes slightly more sense.

It's a speedway.

They say speedway in a minute.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Now, interestingly, this is what I picture when I picture Marsha's childhood, but the dirt is wetter.

So this is interesting that you don't identify.

We had grass.

We could afford grass growing up, actually.

Should we stay on a speedway?

Could we move to like Bowser's Castle or Rainbow Road, maybe to stay safer?

from?

Yeah.

So Officer Tattleman is there and then he gets a feeling that something's going wrong.

And so we watch this guy climb up onto a tower that's next to the speedway.

Like

he's Roy Scheider looking for jaws in the water.

Like he climbs up on a lifeguard thing.

And seriously, I was like, okay, come on.

You got to have like a tail fin slowly raise out of the dirt.

Oh my gosh.

That's almost what happens.

So close to what happens.

Yeah.

A big windstorm kicks up because, you know, the Navajo prophecy thing with the wind and the demon car.

They remembered some of the things in their movie.

Yeah.

And the horses in the parade practice all kind of know that it's the wind of Satan.

And the cops are like, every shut up, shut up.

Do you hear that?

And they hear a car horn in the distance.

They do.

Now, Heath, you mentioned there that the officer runs up a tower.

So we do know there are structures beside the perfectly flat area that are built for cars.

So where do we think that all of our protagonists will flee to when trying to escape the trainer?

It's so good.

Because they're like, yeah, everybody run because they hear the horns and then they see the car coming in the distance.

And they could run literally anywhere except.

Actually, anyway, they could go into one of those towers.

Yes.

The road, the speedway, but they all have a stampede down just the road.

They run straight down the road and then in the only moment where they change direction, they run into oncoming horses.

They do.

This one cowboy, this one who's dressed a bit like a cowboy, who just runs straight across the path of some on-rushing horses and gets trampled.

It's, oh, come on, you just don't buy your costume from the costume shop if you're not going to be able to, in any way, deal with the horses here.

You know, you just don't, don't do that.

Come on.

So the demon car finally shows up, enters the speedway.

They're running away.

They finally leave the speedway a little bit.

And then the demon car starts just doing donuts for a second.

Like, I guess this is the equivalent of the evil laugh taunting moment for the demon car.

I think the car was surprised everyone stayed on the speedway, right?

I think the car was like, oh, really?

All right.

Well, just kind of ruining it for me.

That's too easy.

Here I come.

I hope you guys don't.

Do you want to go anywhere else?

Less flat surface.

There's the tower right there for a few of you.

Oh, how would I get you on the tower?

I fell.

I tripped.

I tripped.

Do you think the demon's got like a hunting kind of drive in it?

Like you need to sort of like when you feed a cat, you need the cat to feel like it's achieved its food so it can sort of satisfy that hunting itch.

If you just have the food there, it can be a bit bored and lackluster.

Do you think the demon has the same thing that it doesn't get, doesn't get the thrill out of it if it's too easy for it?

Yeah, that's what it felt like.

It felt like the donuts were like, come on, just do something.

Like, you gotta do something.

It makes a little bit harder.

Put the little mouse thing on top of it for a little.

Yeah.

And so this leads to, I'm going to say my favorite moment in the movie.

They all run finally off the speedway and Lauren guides them through a little gate that has nothing on either side of it.

Nothing.

And they all pile through this tiny little gate

slowly.

There's like a two-foot stone wall around the side of it, but like, you know, people can go over that.

Yeah.

And the reason the stone wall is there is because this is a graveyard and the little stone wall is like, I guess, going to block the demon car, but also the fact that it's a graveyard is going to matter magically.

Yeah, it's a graveyard that is about a 30-second run from the speedway track.

Is that normally where those two units of your towns would be in relationship to one another?

Yeah, NASCAR is pretty dangerous.

Well, I know you don't have it over there.

It's just convenient to have the graveyard right next to the speedway track.

It saves a lot of time with Uber crashes out.

And then everyone gets to go watch a race right afterwards.

It's good for the goose and it's good for the gander.

But it also means that there's definitely going to be times when you're at a funeral and the priest is giving the sermon over the body and

it's in the background the whole time.

And then there's a crash and they're like, all right, dig another one.

Just do it right now.

It is challenging as a grieving mother of an infant to be like, yee-haw, because you have to yee-haw when the car goes by.

I can understand.

I can understand why she's using it.

So

this will be what I think is the strangest part of the movie, right?

Which is where Lauren and the car, and correct me if I'm wrong, gentlemen, will have a big yellow fight.

They sure will.

And it's because of the magic of the graveyard that's what starts it.

So that the demon car sees them all run into the graveyard area and then like zooms up next to it, but then stops because, you know, respect for the graveyard for the dead rules for our troops.

For respect for the troops and the dead, sure.

And then we get this moment of a demon car just like shuffling back and forth on the edge of a graveyard.

Like, yeah, like me as a kid when the ocean was a little too cold and the wave would come up and I'd be like, and I'd back up.

It's great.

While Lauren yells at the car.

So, again, Eve, do you mind role-playing this so that people can experience?

I won't do it for as long as the movie does it because the movie does it for 11 minutes, but I'll be the car, you be Lauren.

And I just want everyone to sort of experience what this scene is like.

Go ahead.

Hey, demon car.

Beep, beep, beep, cheat.

You're a chicken.

You're a cheat.

Cheat.

What?

Oh, Oh, you're baby.

You're doing donuts now?

Again?

Babe, babe.

But for 11 minutes,

truly, like, there's no amount we could have stretched out that bit to convey to you that that is all that happens for 12 minutes of this movie.

To a point where the car, because it doesn't go in the graveyard, it does a lap around the graveyard and then resumes the argument.

And she, she seems inconvenienced that it's back.

She's like, oh, it's, are you back again?

My God, she says.

And she seems annoyed that we're still doing this.

And they try and have a tense standoff where they sort of zoom in on her face, but it doesn't work when the other thing you're zooming in on is the fender of the car.

It's just the front of a car.

So it's doing like slow pan into her face.

Yeah, it's shot, reverse, shot.

They're doing the Cohen brothers shot, reverse shot.

Yeah, but half of the shots are a car.

Right.

So Lauren keeps roasting forever.

She finally picks up a big branch and throws it at the car.

And the car gets mad about that and kind of smashes the side of the gate to this cemetery, but still won't go in.

And that's when Margie, the other teacher friend of Lauren's, makes a run for it and almost gets hit by the demon car.

She runs kind of out the back of the graveyard area and the car zooms around the side and just misses her.

She makes it to the cop car to radio for help.

And the car runs away.

Right.

Yeah.

Right.

The car hears the sirens in the distance because the cops are finally coming because the radio call and the car bugs out.

Yeah.

And then we get one other teacher who decides to yell.

This is the principal.

Oh, this is the principal.

That's right.

The principal yells one final taunt at the team car as it's leaving.

She yells, cat poo.

Yes, now let's teach the controversy here.

Okay, what's the controversy?

She definitely yells.

I think we're all in agreement that she yells cat poo.

Yeah, I rewound five times to be sure of that, but yes, she does.

Skeptically, you're Michael Marshall, my friend.

So this is, it's cat poo.

And yet, the lying subtitles tell us that what she said is Tadpole.

Oh, I didn't have the subtitles because I found it elsewhere on the internet.

But yes, according to the subtitles on Amazon Prime, what she says is Tadpole.

Why would she shout that?

I don't fucking know.

Okay, why would she

yell Catpoo?

Yeah.

Another great question.

That's not a good insult.

But Tadpole, Tadpole isn't even a bad thing to be necessarily.

I mean, they're pretty good guys.

They're little fellas.

They've become frogs.

Who doesn't like frogs?

We all love frogs.

At least cat poo is a bad thing.

It's like, right, it smells and stuff.

It's tadpoles.

They're fine.

It's a weird one.

So, I mean, like, Lauren yelled, you're a chicken earlier.

So, like, chicken shit means scared, but like, cat shit doesn't mean you're scared.

It does not.

That's just been like,

you have toxoplasmosis, maybe.

Demon car.

Fuck you.

Or it's an odd moment.

Or she yelled Tadpole.

We're not sure.

Or she yelled Tadpole.

Chiefs the controversy.

Okay, well, the demon car bugged out.

So the school is safe for now.

And now we cut over to a different officer, Officer Ray, staking out one of the roads, and he sees the demon car, and he radios in to the station.

And again, to be clear, he radios in.

Guys, now that we're actually, I have no fucking idea what to do when this car gets here.

Right.

And so we watch them be like, shoot him?

And he's like, with what?

And they're like, your gun, man.

You brought a gun.

He's like, like, right.

My car's not blocking the road.

Why wouldn't it be?

This is a roadblock.

Should I get in my car?

Shoot him.

Hit me.

Like, again,

all of this

makes no sense why this cop is so unprepared for this moment.

Now, to add to the confusion of the cop not knowing what's going on, this is where the movie will introduce that the demon car is bulletproof.

Apparently so, yes, which at least, at least helps, because I wasn't sure whether cars were just harder to stop in the past and that was therefore scary.

Maybe that was a thing that, oh, yeah, you can't, there's no way to stop a car.

Once a car's in motion, you can't stop a car, it's impossible.

Yes, waking, waking a sleepwalker or something, not allowed to do that.

It feels like a time travel film.

Yeah, like it truly feels like they went back to the bronze.

Remember that really good Predator movie?

Because they have to make one every 75 years that takes place among First Nations people.

And so it's them dealing with this futuristic technology.

It's really smart.

That's what this is, but with a car.

car.

Yes.

Yeah.

And they didn't go back that far, but they did go to Utah, which is effectively like going back

to the Bronze Age.

No, I agree.

Also, this felt like another moment where the demon car was like, all right, it's been a little too easy.

I kind of want some sort of like real conflict with a challenge.

So the demon car rides up to Ray, but then stops dead and is just like, all right, man, like, you're going to do something?

And Ray,

finally, after getting enough instructions, he shoots twice and says he misses, but it's kind of like maybe it's a bulletproof scenario.

Well, again, we won't learn that this is what happens every time someone shoots at the car until later in the film.

So because

this guy has spent the beginning of the scene going, what I do when car get here, I genuinely just assumed he missed.

Yeah, yeah, every time they pulled a shotgun and stuff, I assumed they missed.

Cause we see quite a few different cops trying to take the car out, but you're pulling their gun and it doesn't stop the car and the car just drives past them because they don't know what a fucking roadblock is the entire time.

And this is one of the times when they are doing car chases that I realize it's just straight roads.

It's not interesting.

Oh, where did he go?

Where did he go?

Well, you know, further along, but just a bit further, like angle your head slightly up.

There he is.

You're not going to lose him.

Look with your eyes.

Yeah.

But he even, they get into a car chase with the sheriff at this, or one of the guys who's the sheriff at this point, and the car nudges him.

So the sheriff's car is half off the cliff.

And then the evil car is just sort of gently nudging like he's trying to win the argument rather than just kill him.

Just like, come on, yeah, yeah, this was fun.

So, yeah, the demon car gets shot at by Ray twice, it does nothing, and the demon car is like really just disappointed with the cops and like leaves, kind of shaking its head, just being like, I'm gonna get on a podcast to make fun of these cops.

This is terrible.

And then the car gets into a chase with the other cops.

And which guy's is it Ray who finally catches up with him?

Yeah.

Who's Who's getting shoved off the side of the cliff here?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And as soon as they shove him, the sooner the car gently nudges him off the side of the cliff and tries to, first of all, persuade him to just leave the car off the side of the cliff of his own accord.

There's a door right there.

Come on.

And then he doesn't do that.

He nudges him off the cliff and you think, oh, he's going to roll down the cliff in his car and he's going to be bashed around.

That's going to be, that's going to kill him, but it's going to be, that's how he dies.

The second the car rolls over, bam, instant explodes.

It's amazing.

It's so fun because it's like halfway rolling when the car's roof explodes.

It's like they keep all of their flammable goods in the roof of the car.

Like the police lights are filled with kerosene.

That's the only way they could make them work in the 70s.

Don't worry.

I lined the top of my car with C4.

We got to stop keeping all the gasoline on that one side of the car.

Yeah.

It immediately touched the ground.

The top.

Yeah.

And then again, because this movie makes perfect sense, if the car is the roadrunner, after he explodes the car, we cut up to the car and the car goes

and then drives away.

Yeah, little dust cloud as it as it goes yeah absolutely and is this also the bit where there's two cars they've figured out that if you are one car driving at a car on a two-lane road it does have somewhere to go there is an option there if you can work the max out so they go how about with two cars driving side by side it's got nowhere to go now and i'll leave aside the fact it's utah it just goes slightly off road for a moment everything is flat and comes right back again yeah

but they don't know about that instead the demon car takes out these two cop cars in the most amazing way I've ever seen in any car film.

Oh my God.

It decides to sort of jackknife itself sideways.

So it starts rolling end over end, like side over side.

An M-Bison attack.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like an M-bison attack.

It does a barrel roll attack from Street Fighter on these two cop cars.

It's amazing.

Which the cars, those two cars instantly explode, and the demon car emerges driving in a straight line again back along the road.

Right.

So again, the stakes of the movie have now just shifted drastically from car that kills people to immortal indestructible car that kills people yeah thus destroying all the stakes of the movie until about 14 seconds before the credits roll and then the car just rolls out of the barrel roll and keeps on going totally fine totally fine unharmed but then wade is further down the road on his motorcycle and the demon car just stops right in front of Wade's motorcycle, looking for some more, you know, better challenging conflict, I guess.

Right.

He shoots the car.

He misses twice.

Again, the movie does not clarify that he's bullet.

I mean, at this point, we were guessing it was bulletproof, but he shoots the car twice, he misses.

And then he, what, this is supposed to be the moment of tension, everybody.

He walks over to the car.

He goes to open the door.

No handles.

Well, before he goes to the door, just to be clear, this is the evil car.

He approaches the evil car directly in fucking front of it.

Like in front of the car down the road.

Exactly.

You're approaching an evil devil car.

Why do it from directly in front or the back which i wrote down are the only two options it has to hurt you but no it finds a surprise third way that's right he goes to the edge where he tries to like get in and see the driver and the car again gentlemen i want you to correct me if i am interpreting this wrongly punches him in the ball so hard with the door that he blacks out

but like it's the softest little door push.

Like that's what we see happen in the movie.

Yes.

Like the car might as well take out a leather glove and be like, slap slap.

We're in a fight now.

And he faints.

Yeah.

Yes.

And he will be hospitalized as a result

because none of these police officers have ever been involved in any conflict before.

And the demon car revs the engine for a second as like a laughing, oh, I did a good prank.

Ha ha, rev, rev.

Like a muttley laugh, like you're talking about.

So looks like we've got a middle school type feud between a cop and a sentient prankster car.

Stakes are heating up, and we're going to need one more quick break.

But first, let me give Act Three the hard sell.

Will Officer Wade have a stain on his shirt?

Will the demon car make him look at the stain and then move his hand up and hit him in the nose?

Will Wade go for the handshake that's offered only to have the demon car slick back its hair?

Ha ha!

Find out the answer to these questions and more when we return for the vehicular conclusion of the car.

And he looks at me and he says, stop torturing me.

Wow.

And did you?

Well, of course not.

But I was taken aback, you know, by the directness.

Oh, I get it.

I would be too.

Hey, guys.

What up?

What up?

Chris,

you're

a car.

A car.

Yep.

Just got my request through.

Demon car, baby.

Demon car.

Right.

Cool.

Yeah.

So what are you going to do?

What?

What do you mean, what am I going to do?

I'm gonna run people over the Battleman stuff, right?

Sure.

Is running people over as a demon

car, yeah, car

on brand?

What?

What?

What do you mean?

Well, it's just as demons, you know, our whole thing is turning people away from heaven, isn't it?

Right, and killing people as a demon car doesn't seem to do that.

Yeah, yeah.

And if you're not careful, you might send people to heaven.

Okay, well, you guys are obviously not getting it.

The demon car thing.

I'm not saying it's not cool.

Oh, it's very cool.

No, no, no.

This was something that was really exciting for me.

You guys knew that.

And then the minute I shared it, you guys shat on it.

Oh, come on, Chris.

No, that's not fair.

I'm going to go.

You'll run people over, which was my evil plan that I wanted to share with my friends.

And oh, Chris, Chris, don't do this.

I'm leaving.

The brand has gotten weird since the 60s, right?

Yeah, imagine the other guys feel the same way, right?

Yeah, that's fair.

Yeah.

Oh, hey, guys, it looks like you're enjoying a delicious and healthy meal from HelloFresh.

You tear out my heart.

Because with HelloFresh, you will find my bloated corpse

outside of your door.

You know what?

Never mind.

Fuck you.

And we're back.

When we left off, Officer Wade got slightly shoved by a car door, and now he's getting examined by a doctor.

And I can only assume that the doctor, it's also his first day, because the doctor seems to think that he's seriously hurt when he's just been nudged by a car door.

That's not going to hurt him.

Everybody in this entire movie is doing their job for the first time ever that day.

Yeah.

And we're going to learn later that this doctor doctor is the one whose daughter died at the very beginning of the movie, right?

Yeah.

Which then makes the rest of the scene make sense.

But because of how the time dimension works, we just think he's an awful doctor or like terrified of the camera.

Like they found their friend Phil and they were like, Phil, I know you have an anxiety attack every time there's a camera in the room.

You want to be in the movie?

And he was like,

sure.

Although the one thing we do know that the door attack did, it has hurt him significantly because it's knocked his speaking out of sync with his lip movements so he needs to be kept in overnight until that re-syncs back together right right and to treat the small bruise that he has from

getting slightly shoved so the other cops show up now and they talk about the terrible thing that happened with you know the barrel roll attack during the game of chicken that killed some of the other officers And he's trying to say that he shot the car and he shot the tires.

I mean, we saw him shoot.

He definitely missed because we could see the bullet hit the ground next to the the tires.

So I thought, I assume he just missed the tires.

But Chas, the Native American police officer, is saying, well, you know, it's just bulletproof glass.

What about the tires?

Self-sealing tires?

Like, oh, yeah, those 1970s tires that you could just shoot with a gun and they'd still be fine.

They just seal themselves right above.

They regenerate whatever.

And the other detail they have that makes them think, oh, it's a weird spooky car.

There were no handles on the doors.

How did anyone get in?

It's a fucking cyber truck.

Nobody ever goes in and nobody ever comes out.

Yeah.

At this point, Officer Luke names the five cops who died very slowly, one by one.

And Lauren is there too.

She only gasps at two of the names, which I thought was offensive.

Like,

I don't know how she decided which ones mattered to her.

Or was it just running?

No, it wasn't the first two.

It wasn't even like she ran out of them on gasping.

It was like one and four.

Yeah.

It's not like the bit in the Oscars where you see the

immemorial and it's like, okay, I'm going to be clapping to begin with, but obviously

it's the seventh dead person.

I can't have the same enthusiasm for clapping seven in as I was for the first one.

Yeah, like the chant at the protest that goes too long.

Exactly.

Can I say something about the Oscars at Memoriam while we're here and there are 27 seconds of this movie left?

It must be weird in the edit room when they pick who to show last, huh?

When they're like, okay, well, we all know that Heath is the big one this year, right?

We're all saving Heath for the end.

Okay, cool.

Where do we put a lighting designer that a lot of people do?

I don't know why.

I bet that's a brutal murdered heathen.

No,

not Heath then, right?

Oh, Devil.

Oh, okay.

Remember when Heath Ledger died and at the end, everybody was like, oh, that's the one we were waiting for, baby.

And then one more light.

And I'll just say those chants at a protest, you know, you don't want the depeater out.

It's why it's important to stop the chant on your own terms.

So you can do the chanting with a bang rather than just carrying on.

And then there's less and less interest in the chant.

And before you know it,

you're going through the motions of the chant.

But does anyone really want to come along to your protest anymore?

Just saying we need the chant now more than ever.

It's fine.

I get it.

Online chanting is dead.

It's cool.

Thanks for coming.

Thanks for helping kill it.

Some of us chant for a living, but no, no, that's cool.

You got to fucking chant about Joe Rogan.

All right.

So they're still figuring out the details of this bulletproof tire regenerating demon car.

And Lauren adds a very useful piece of information.

She's like, hey, by the way, the magic of a graveyard seemed to be like super duper helpful.

And everybody completely ignores that.

And

they keep going, talking about the details of this car, like the handles and the license plate.

They also point out how much wind and dust there was.

And I think that's just your town, man.

Like, I've seen your town.

It looks like a windy place with a lot of Utah, poor city planes.

Okay.

Well, chaz gets assigned to drive lauren back to wade's house and wade's gonna stay in the hospital overnight so chaz and lauren are driving back on a road

but they make it but they make it but then the demon car peeks out from behind a like a a road bush menacingly for a second oh my god okay so here's the thing right he's they're driving and he they pass by like where chas lives and chaz is like hey do you mind if i leave you alone in your house and go check on my family?

And she's like, Oh, I mean, I guess as long as there isn't a demon car waiting for the opportunity to take, oh, she's

abandon the one important task you've got in your job for the day.

Yeah, no, sure, just do that.

That's absolutely fine.

Please go ahead and abandon that.

Yeah, right.

So, she starts to walk inside toward the house, and then the wind kicks up and blows away the slip of paper that she had, and it blows into the road.

What's the paper?

Because she does go retrieve it, and it must be really important.

What is that bit of paper?

What was that bit of paper?

We don't know.

Oh, yeah,

we do not know.

It's the script for the movie.

Gets eggs.

Okay.

Got it.

I think it was another naked drawing that her kid at school had drawn, but it was one that captured her really well.

And she's like, I'm keeping that one, actually.

Yeah, I'm going to keep all of that.

Right, but she doesn't get hit while she's in the road.

But we see the demon car pull out from its hiding spot in the road bush or whatever.

So it's on the way lauren goes into the house she locks the front door behind her in case in case the demon car wanted to like break in i guess i don't know

at this point i was like i mean maybe you should like bury a dead body inside the fence of the yard

yeah or something create a graveyard i just want to point out for later in the movie that i did write in my notes here i really want her to open the door and the car is sitting on her couch with a loaded gun okay

something so close to that will happen later in the movie podcast listener i just i would like to verify that i wrote it as a joke in my notes at this point she walks in the demon car is facing the other way is trying to do the spinny chair move like an eight-point turn took a donut

beep beep beep

right but the demon car is not there it's on the way though She calls Wade at this point just to be like, yeah, I made it home.

And by the way, there's a big painting of Wade in the living room where she is.

She's a painter.

I think that's what reminded her to call him.

She was like, oh, that's right.

I did think I needed to call you.

Yes, that's why it was calling.

It's such a large painting.

And then while she's on the phone to him, she is just casually framed with the window of her living room in the background where we can see the road.

But I'm sure that's nothing because nothing's there.

Window might as well be.

Window might as well be shaped like a target.

Right.

And she even says on the phone, I can hear the car coming.

So then maybe turn around and look out of the window you're still in front of.

And she gets hit by the car.

Well, not just hit by the car, the car

flies through the window.

Yes, exactly.

It's the same shape as the window.

It's perfect.

Like a letterbox for letters.

It's that for cars.

And there's like a 9-11 side of the Pentagon car-shaped hole that's right, exactly.

Yes.

But there's no car pieces to rest.

The car just goes straight through the house and out the other side.

So we know the car is Jewish.

The car just goes straight through the house and out the other side.

That is why Americans shouldn't make their house out houses out of wood.

Did they learn nothing from the three little pigs?

Did they

have to do that?

We did not learn anything.

Everybody knows that.

Well, his portrait survives, so you know, thank God.

There's not too many casualties.

Yeah, the painting is perfectly fine because they cut to Lauren's body getting taken away on a gurney.

And we see the painting.

I wanted like the car to have, I don't know, defaced the painting.

Right, beep, beep.

Like the mustache was erased.

You can't put a mustache on, but you could like erase it off or something.

But no, it's fine.

And then we get, I'm going to say five minutes of sad silence acted pretty well by all these cops who are sad.

Yep.

I wrote in my notes at this point.

Not going to lie, the car has a lot more mournful silence in it than I thought it would in the film.

But then Luke finally has an idea.

He's like, okay, hold on.

I got it.

I know why the demon car did not go into the cemetery.

The ground was hallowed.

So they've figured out that the magic of graveyards is going to be helpful and they will never use it.

They'll never use it.

Yes.

I was going to say, is the magic of graveyards how they defeat the car?

Absolutely fucking not.

At this moment, I was like, okay, you run out and you grab Lauren's body from the gurney and be like, we need this for a thing.

Don't worry about it.

Don't make it weird.

Right.

You put a little bit of dirt on the top and then you start riding the gurney at the car.

You're back in, baby.

Or we just bury a series of people around the car, like when those uh self-driving cars could get like trapped by people doing a salt circle because it thinks it's a white line you do that with uh with ash with dead bodies uh ash or how you can throw baloney at a cyber truck and it'll stop yeah exactly

right but the magical explanation here is that lauren was the only one who wasn't killed on a road and therefore she cursed the demon car in a bad way and that connected the demon car magically to her so that the demon car could kill her her feelings by ramping flying through the house well she insulted the car oh okay so again this is the movie being like a little bit sympathetic to the demon car character yeah absolutely had it coming had it had a fair motivation okay that's the one thing we learn about violence towards women in this movie is that it's fine if they had it coming or if you're if you have other skills that are useful we'll have a look at yeah those are the two things we'll find out all right well it's revenge time but they're not going to use any of the magic thing they just figured out they get the whole team together.

They meet at the station to figure out a plan for killing a demon car.

And we see, by the way, that Wade checked the Bible that he had in his desk for any clues on how to kill a demon car.

Whether it's a Christian movie or not, yeah.

Okay.

Does he use anything from that Bible to kill the car?

No, not at all.

But Marsh, I agree.

This does get.

I think this counts as a Mormon movie specifically.

100%.

Here's why.

So it's a police department in Utah already.

One.

They're racist towards Navajo people, aka Lamanites,

Czech.

They fight against a demon car,

and there's the subplot about alcoholism, but they only show one little sip of whiskey in the dark in the entire movie.

Exactly.

Yeah.

That's true.

That's true.

All coming together.

Christian film.

Yeah.

But this scene opens with them being offered coffee.

So how are we going to square that circle with the Mormonism?

Well, we don't see anyone say yes.

That's true.

They also also know.

They all say, no, the coffee's disgusting.

What are you talking about?

Yeah, it's all coming together.

We did this in the wrong month.

Oh, and they also explained that Everett is a Methodist at one point because he's the guy who was like, shots of whiskey, shots, shots of clubs.

And then

later they're like, he's Methodist, by the way.

We didn't cover it at the time because it's so fucking useless as a part of the scene.

But as me, immediately after he dies, a coroner comes and starts working out his funeral details.

And that's why it's just so we can learn that he's a Methodist and that's why he was willing to drink.

That's the only reason they take a weird funeral admin issue.

Absolutely a Mormon movie.

Propaganda.

Wow.

The car.

Mormon movie month starts early.

Noah can't get mad at us when he's back from AA car.

Yeah.

So then after, I guess, looking for clues in the Bible about demon car murdering revenge, Wade goes over to the giant map again and

he looks at it.

He's like, okay, the only place for killing a demon car on this map is snap right here.

And he hits it with his dedicated map stick pointer thing.

And then he says, we've only got two hours to make this happen.

Why?

What, what's happening there?

No idea.

No fucking idea.

Why is there a ticking clock to this?

He might as well say, gentlemen, I'd like some steaks to this film.

We've got two hours.

Okay, so now we need to possibly redeem the domestic abuser.

So Officer Chaz unlocks Amos from the cell where he's being held for assuming more domestic abuse.

I guess.

Right.

And they're like, Amos, we need you.

And it's, it's for the dynamite from earlier.

He has a truck full of dynamite.

Yeah.

And he's like, God damn it, I'm in for no reason.

He's just like, yeah, let's do it.

Why are you getting help from the domestic?

It could have just been a guy.

It could have been a guy who did any other crime.

And they could have had everything else be the same.

Thing is, even if he had the truck full of dynamite, the police could just be saying, oh, I know that the guy we arrested has a truck truck full of dynamite.

I'm just going to go and commandeer that because

it's a murder car.

There you go.

Well, they have a plan involving dynamite.

And then we cut to Wade.

He's back home in his garage and he's doing something, I don't know, magical to his motorcycle.

He like grabs a little thing off the tool wall and like clips it onto the side of the motorcycle.

I didn't know what that was.

Was it like a magical item?

Like a cross?

Never matter.

Will not matter at all.

Never matters, never has anything.

I think it's a spark plug, but I genuinely don't know okay no why would he put why would he put

again i have no idea i want to be very clear i have no my brain was just going like

spark plug thing that goes in car okay and it never comes back it does not it does not and then we see the other cops they're loading up dynamite into a a truck to go to their spot that they've decided on and in i laughed a lot at this moment they're loading it up and just some rando officer who doesn't have a name yet even rando rando officer eli almost drops so much dynamite while they're loading it up like an infomercial it's the best and and abuser guy is like be careful with that it's dynamite and everyone in the scene goes like yeah i mean we know we know that dynamite is bad you're an abuser okay so podcast listener if you'll remember earlier in this comedy program i told you I want her to come inside the house and for the car to be sitting there with a gun.

That is now almost exactly what's going to happen to Wade.

Yes.

Right.

I laughed so hard at this, too.

It's a gun.

He walks into the garage and the demon car is sitting there waiting for him.

It's not even sitting.

He's doing more tinkering or whatever.

And then he hears a noise and he's like, fuck, the demon car's right behind me.

The demon car is right behind me, isn't he?

Would be an appropriate line for this film.

Yeah.

And then Wade is sort of like acting very cautiously around it.

And I wrote, quiet, its vision is based on movement, because that's the bars he definitely has.

Yes.

So he gets this big screwdriver, and we watch this.

Again, we're going to say it short so you don't have to be bored.

He gets this big screwdriver and he's going to like try and lever his way out of the garage.

Well, the demon car locked them both inside the garage

from the outside somehow.

And he...

He every time he goes to lever the thing, the car like, like runs in him a little bit.

So he jumps back and then he goes forward and just like, boom, he runs back and he goes forward.

and he does it so long that i thought the car's plan was try and kill him with carbon monoxide poisoning

orange

yeah so he he goes for the screwdriver thing the car lunges at him and then backs up again car's like don't even think about it okay i'm backing up again and then he's like whistle whistle

same thing and then the car lunges again

It's a three beat podcast listener.

He does the exact same thing.

I was

weeping with laughter at this point it was i left really hard yeah i did i got to admit this not all of this movie was fun to watch because it was mostly just dramatic performances of cops who were very sad that their friends and family were dead but this really brought me around to the car the the don't go for the gun you're going for the gun i i see you doing it stop don't do it again i i hear you whistle you're saying whistle you're not even whistling Yeah, but then, like Marsh said, the car starts revving the engine and we see all the smoke coming out.

And I was like, oh, carbon monoxide kill.

Okay.

But then the car starts blowing the horns, and the sound of the horns is so loud that it breaks all the windows in the garage and the house.

So it ruins the carbon monoxide plan.

At which point, my only thought was, is the car's plan to starve him out to just keep like threatening him whenever he leaves, when he ever tries to move and sort of until he like slowly starves to death or dehydrates or something.

I don't know.

Right.

But now the windows are broken.

So Wade can dive through the window.

He dives out and he jumps on his motorcycle and we get a chase scene.

So Wade, he's actually luring the demon car to their dynamite trap, right?

So it's kind of like he has to pretend it's a regular chase and make the demon car think that's what's happening, but he has to eventually then get to the trap spot.

Yeah, he calls.

He's like, the car is hot on my tail.

And they say, stall him.

I wrote in my notes, how?

20 questions?

He just starts doing really big doughnut circles.

Gets on the other side of a really big dining room table unless they meant stole him as in like use the clutch to make the engine cut out because you were changing game

do you have an emp no what it's also really important to note that the people making this movie started to lose the light at the beginning of this chase so much so that the end of this movie will be almost unseeable.

So we're also watching them run away from being able to see the movie.

Also, the movie got confused about how how a chase scene would ever work.

And they go back and forth, not knowing like who's chasing whom.

So they're like, you got to stall.

You got to stall.

And then he's like, okay, no, no, never mind.

I'm chasing the demon car now.

So I guess it's like a different scenario happening.

Yeah.

And the demon car goes to attack the dynamite truck.

And they are so lucky that it's not a police vehicle because that would have exploded on contact.

Obviously, yeah, of course.

So at this moment, I was like, oh, okay.

So they're planning to like blow up the mother alien nest of demon cars and the demon car can tell.

So it's attacking the dynamite truck.

But then I was like, oh, okay, no, fuck me.

Now it's back to chasing Wade.

Yes.

You got to pick a motivation.

Like, what was the demon car thinking throughout this?

Not clear at all.

Right.

And to be clear, in case you're like confused or you think we're describing it badly, this is how the movie is cut, right?

We're not watching the decision-making process of this car.

We're just writing down like okay now it's chasing wade chasing the dynamite car and it's chasing wade again

it's not a through line we're not letting you no the movie was writing that down because he's on the radio being like okay i think i'm chasing the demon car now i don't know what's happening yeah and and now i'm chasing the dynamite truck and the demon car's watching from a distance i don't know what's happening we all poked our head out of different doors in this long hallway yeah And then at one point in the chase,

clearly, Wade, like, I don't know, talks to the demon car.

He's like, hey, demon card, you want to stop and like square off and like, you know, just menace each other for a second?

And they do.

And they just like stare at each other for a second and then keep going.

It's like, okay, maybe I'm, I'm the only, no, Heath, you were fat kid.

When you're a fat kid and you're playing as a kid, you would occasionally have to convince your friends to stop whatever running game you were doing so you could get some breath.

That's what he and the car do here.

They both do like a ta-da.

Oh, why are Kunkaroos so delicious?

They're going to be illegal in like 45 minutes, but God, I love them so much.

What's your guy's favorite movie?

I think we should talk about it.

What's your favorite?

Our movie.

Yeah.

So that happened.

I want to drink a Capri Sun so bad.

What do you think?

Hey, before Marsh tells us, what do you think Capri's Sun was called in England?

A Shasham's folly.

We had Capri Sun.

Skinny old orange and yellow.

We had Capri Sun.

I mean, it probably wasn't 89% chemicals like yours was.

It was probably smaller.

No,

I was sure

to actually taste like a capri-shaped.

It's not called like juicy bag or something.

No, it was a capri son.

It's called juicy bag.

Although I think we'd call it capri-son.

I think we expressed it where it took capri son.

You got your bagason.

You got your bagasuck.

Oh, Michael.

Don't you forget your bagasuck before you get it, Scala.

Don't be calling me to come round the billy bag.

One day before I die, I will give you a northern accent that you can actually do.

I'll actually lead you towards the north of England for an accent.

Well, you have until QED.

Which part of England is Eli right now?

That was very much like a bad cockney, co-estuary English,

edges of the Thames kind of accent.

Didn't even make sense.

From about 300 years ago, it doesn't make sense.

You make enough places in England.

Right.

So, anyway, they square off for no reason.

I guess maybe Wade was tired for a second, had to catch his breath.

Then they keep chasing.

And then Wade finally realizes, okay, if I take my motorcycle up a kind of steep, dirt hill area, the car can't get up it.

So he does that.

Yeah, hills, the natural enemy of the car.

Yeah, the natural enemy of cars.

And now it's time for the big finale, right?

Which we've spent the whole movie making fun of them for not knowing sideways.

And it turns out the car's downfall will be

one, two, three, sideways.

It will be.

So here's what happens.

For some reason, his motorcycle goes away.

Who fucking knows?

This movie's impossible to follow.

And so he, Wade, and Luke are standing at the edge of this cliff filled with dynamite.

Yeah, they've got canyon.

They've got the canyon like laced with dynamite along the edges of the car.

They're planning to collapse the canyon onto this single car.

It's such an American cop solution.

We'll blow up parts of the landscape to deal with this one car.

Yeah, we'll find this black housing district and lure the car inside.

But they stand like on either edge.

They stand right in front of the edge of the canyon and the car comes at them and they do a one, two, three, go sideways.

The car drives over the edge of the cliff into the canyon and then they blow it up.

And then the explosion this is this is a little bit of lore that i was very interested in zero seconds before the end of the movie the explosion turns into an evil fire dragon a fire snake yes demon dragon yeah yeah but it was a demon was made it was a fire demon killed by fire which seems like a weird detail the fire is the one thing it should be fire there was an ice demon that came out you'd be like oh man you got that

this is all coming together yeah

no and then literally and i cannot i'm not lying podcast listener, this is literally how the movie ends: the fireball turns into a fire dragon demon and sort of dissipates, and the main characters in the movie go,

huh, the fuck was that?

And then the movie is over.

I really wanted pause, and then so whiskey, shots, shots,

seriously, final line of the movie is it's over.

That's what Wade says.

Yeah, but then we hear a car horn.

So, final line is, it's over.

Or is it?

Or is it?

Demon car just being like, fuck you guys.

I was a sneak demon fire.

So they were very excited about the sequel that they set up for sure.

I don't think it exists, right?

No.

I'm not aware of it anyway.

Okay, well, we should make it.

What's the subtitle for The Car 2?

Okay, I'm going with The Car 2, the train.

Okay, and then the tagline: this time it's on rails.

I just want to really test how incapable people are of realizing they can run in anything other than a straight line, just them trying to outrun a train and not think they're just stepping straight down the track.

Exactly.

A lot of people told us our movie went off the rails.

This time it's on the rails.

They're all just those people in early cinema who were terrified of that film of a train because they thought the train was coming to get them.

It's that in real life.

Coming through them.

Yeah.

I like the idea of like a serial killer, you know, leaning into that too.

Like,

they keep going with it, like, son of Trans Sam or something like that.

There it is.

Wheels above.

I don't know.

That's going to do it for the car, but that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we found another terrible movie for next week.

Eli, what's on deck?

A man takes part in a series of troubling experiments with drug therapy in an apocalyptic setting as he tries to get back home before it's too late.

We'll be watching Night Cries.

Fantastic.

All right.

With that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 503 to a merciful close.

Big thanks to Marsh, as always.

And Marsh, are there any events coming up that you wanted to tell everyone?

There absolutely is.

It's going to keep happening forever because we love it.

We've announced QED is happening on the 24th to 26th of October in Manchester.

So you can check that out at QEDcon.org.

And we have said that this is our last QED.

We've been doing it 15 years, I think 13 events, something like in that kind of region.

And we really want this one to be to take QED out with a bang, to sort of have the big sort of end of QED party that it kind of deserves from how much fun it's been for 15 years worth of us doing this.

So yeah, go to QEDcon.org.

This is your last ever chance to get tickets to QED.

So come along to the last ever one.

Truly best conference ever.

This is the last one.

Yeah, this is the shot.

Don't fucking wait, everybody.

It's going to be over.

Yep, this is the one.

Yes, definitely, definitely check it out.

We hope to see you there.

Wow.

And of course, a big thanks to our Patreon donors for all the generosity.

If you'd like to help support the show, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash godawful.

That'll get you early access to an ad-free version of every episode.

And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, The Scathing Atheist, Citation Needed, Skeptic, and Dnd D Minus, available in all the podcast places.

Also, check out the No Rogan Experience podcast.

Fantastic.

Highly recommend.

And if you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email GodOffMovies at gmail.com.

Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Drafts on Mars.

All other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission.

Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week.

For Marsh and Eli, I'm Heath.

Promise to work hard to earn another chunk next week.

Until then, we'll leave you with the Animal House clothes.

The car demon's next vehicle was a cyber truck, so it broke down before it could actually harm anyone.

The glue just came apart, and all the panels flew off.

Kyle Richards, who played Little Sister Deborah, went on to become the longest-running cast member of the real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

What

the car three,

the plane, had the subtitle Boeing Boeing.

I was so sure when you said the plane you were doing a 9-11 thing.

I'm glad you went the direction you went.

Thank you.

That's personal class.

Absolutely.

Classy and I.

I'm tired of these snake demons on this motherfucker.

You can cut the fuck you part.

I don't know if Rocket Money allows us that.

To end their ads with fuck you.

Yeah, I mean, you can do an entire ad ad about mass suicide, but don't swear.

Yeah, exactly.

We've gotten that note.

That's a form email that we get from several, several advertisers.

Okay.

I love that.

That's fucking great.

All right.

Stopping there.

Oh,

no, no, not stopping there.

Oh, yeah, we got the ads.

I didn't stop.

Okay.

Still rolling.

Eli, double check that you're still rolling.

Yeah, it feels like I am still rolling.

Yeah, no, I see the red and I see the Zencaster.

Just look at the clock that's on your Zoom.

Is it running still?

Still clicking.

Still clicking away.

It's a solid red.

The red.

Solid red.

Still seeing seconds click away.

The numbers are going up, not down.

That's a great question.

I'm not sassy, but we all know how necessary this is, right?

This would be a moment for anyone who isn't me to get sassy, but yeah.

It's like, hey, do you want to pee before we put on your whole smell outfit?

And you're like, no, and then you're peeing.

Buckles before juice.

Yeah.

All right.

The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle in the Thunderstorm LLC, Copyright 2025.

All rights reserved.

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