501: The Second Coming

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So, but then the narrator takes us to this fucking cemetery to kick off a little rapture montage.

And this is where we get to see what Seth was talking about: the people having to be spring-loaded to the east.

We see shit.

You know, we see a grave just explode, and we're like, I'm listening, Ron.

Karen, buried in a Pez dispenser, immediately sprung to meet God in the air.

God-awful

movie, movie, movies.

Welcome back to the Game Cast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian Cinema because, after the first 500, we're finally all warmed up.

I'm your host, No Illusions, and sitting 700 miles to my immediate left is my good friend Heath Enright.

Heath, welcome back.

We got Ron Ormond.

I'm so excited.

I can't believe there's more Ron Ormond after 500 episodes.

And sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnick.

Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir?

Exactly.

Eli's awesome.

Exactly.

Yep.

Same.

Same.

And we're also excited to welcome in an old friend, but a first-time guest masochist, Seth Andrews, is the host of the Thinking Atheist podcast and the author of Deconverted, Sacred Cows, Confessions of a Former Fox News Christian, and Christianity Made Me Talk Like an Idiot.

Love that title.

And he's got a voice made of pure caramel.

Seth, welcome to the show.

It's so kind of you to say.

I had somebody on the Facebook page said, honey covered thunder.

Fuck, yeah.

But I don't, is this my first tango with you guys?

This is your first time.

Yeah.

We did a show together on my channel.

We were covering, I think, one of the Thief in the Night movies or Super Christian or one of the classics, you know.

So it is good to be here.

Yeah, yeah, we've done a couple on your show.

I've had you on scathing before, but this is, yeah, this is your first foray into God-awful movies.

Well, I am loaded up with caffeine and existential dread, so it should be a good broadcast today.

Excellent.

And my apologies, too.

And I

so I've got my two unofficial mascots.

I've got Linus and Gracie, my two dogs.

And

like just right before I went live with you guys, I hear the sound that no pet owner wants to hear, which is that

I was like, oh my God.

I thought it was the cat.

But I turn around.

It's Gracie.

And she vomited up one of those hair ties that Natalie uses to put her hair up in a ponytail.

And of course, I'm like, oh, my God, what else is down there?

Right, there's a license plate coming.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I've watched enough vet shows to know that I think we're okay.

I think there was only one on the ground, but I'm watching her.

So if during the reviews when we're doing the show, if you hear,

it is not Eli Bosnik.

It is probably my cat.

Well,

we should never make that problem.

I was just saying, give it the movie we're going to be talking about.

It really could be any of us reliving this.

But yeah,

also it could be the dog.

Gracie's just like, are you watching a Ron Ormond movie right now?

That's fantasy.

Yeah, right.

I was saving this hair tie for later, but now that I know Ron Ormond's on the screen.

All right.

So, so tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today?

We watched the second coming.

It's the story of

any minute now.

Yeah, this is going to get it.

Yeah.

This was in the 1980s.

Right.

Yeah.

No, hasn't quite worked out yet.

Made it all the more fun.

And Eli, how bad was this movie?

Well, if you love the Chrysploitation films of Ron Ormond, and Lord Almighty, I do, but you wish it was mostly a mega cut of Ron's favorite preachers in order of their literal squareness,

you

will love this movie.

I think this might be a prequel to the fucking number blocks, everybody.

I think there's a good chance.

They all look like the polygon team that killed Kennedy.

Can I ask a stupid question?

I don't want to insult your audience that probably already knows the answer.

I don't know anything about Ron Ormond.

You're talking about him like he's an old friend.

I mean, in many ways, to us, he is.

Yeah, but I can understand why no one.

So Ron Ormond was a exploitation filmmaker who found Jesus, right?

Well, his wife found Jesus, which means he found Jesus.

And then he started making Christian films, but he didn't learn how to make movies just because he started believing in the Lord.

So he made a series of incredible films.

This is the final one, but he also made If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horses Do?

Where communist Cubans behead children and offer them

together.

That's right.

I was there for that.

And Burning Hell, which was mostly him standing around a big fire pit dressed as Moses.

So you can see he saved all the good stuff for the last one.

All right.

Yeah.

A couple of our favorite all-time films come from Ron Ormond.

So, so now, obviously, you're not familiar with this movie, but did it give you Christianity flashbacks, Seth?

You know, it really did.

We'll probably talk about this a little bit during the review, but a lot of these films are cut from the same cloth.

You know, they're shot for about a buck and a half.

Half of the film takes place inside somebody's church sanctuary.

Like, it's almost like, okay, in the budget, we have enough to go over here to a rocky place and maybe afford some bathrobes.

And

somebody grab my wife's eye makeup because we got to have somebody who looks like the devil.

So we're going to go blue on the eyes and then red for the robe.

And then the rest of it is always in some old school 1970s church sanctuary with the wooden pews and the 70s paneling on the back and so they all kind of and it really does take me back to that era it's like a time machine for the 1970s and 80s yeah it's which is horrifying all by itself they had to do the apocalypse a little bit so at some point someone someone's like who knows somebody with the rubble pile yeah

everyone raised their hands yeah yep all right so is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at

Yeah, I'm going to go with best worst up next suggestions.

Oh, really?

From the Internet Archive Christian Movie section where you watch this.

For me, all of the upnext suggestions were Steve Anderson, the hate pastor.

Oh, my God.

Scathing atheist a lot.

Oh, wow.

That's pretty bad.

All right.

So I was going to go with Best Worst.

Sure, the guy died, but I think we can take all these clips and still make a movie out of them.

i have seen plan nine from outer space i am aware of plan nine and i am still making that claim because because that's what happened with this movie is that ron ormond died he had filmed a few clips for god knows how the fuck he was going to tie all this together and he left all these people standing around going like well i mean we could probably get 56 minutes out of this

If my cousin is willing to run through a field for like 33 minutes, I think we've got a movie, boys.

I think we've got a movie.

It's almost like a director's version of weekended Bernie's.

They just drug him in there and then stroked him into a chair.

Weekended Francis Ford Coppolis.

Seth, do you have a best worst for us?

I had a couple of best worsts.

I had mostly best.

I had best use of preachers wearing Jeffrey Dahmer glasses.

Have you ever heard of that?

Okay, Seth.

Yep, yep.

And I had best God voice by a human who already sounded like AI, even though it was 1980.

Did you notice that

this sounded very AI-e for four and a half decades ago?

And I'm going to go with best unnecessary Darth Vader helmet.

As Noah teased, it's pretty obvious where Ron's hand lays on this film, and it mostly lies on a prop helmet that we will speak about when he gets to it.

All right, well, I'll tell you what, we've been saving this one, so we're going to take another another minute or two to save it before we jump in, but we'll be back in a minute with all the disjointed scaremongering that is.

It's about the second coming or just the second coming, depending on who and when you ask.

Thanks for agreeing to do the ads with us, Seth.

Yeah, I'm happy to help.

So you guys do these as little skits, right?

Well, usually, yeah.

Okay, so I'm just reading the copy.

No, no, no, we have lines too.

Yeah.

They're not on my script here.

Oh, we thought it might be distracting for you, for us to put our lines in, but we'll just chime in when it's time.

Okay, sure.

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I love that.

I love love you romantically.

I am in love with you romantically from hearing that.

Saw my wife's head off her shoulders.

I would do it in a second.

I'm leaning in.

Never felt so free.

You guys are supposed to do the personal endorsement, right?

If you told me to kill a stranger with your voice, I would do it.

I mean, for Quince.

Oh, no, yeah, right.

No, they sent me one of their suitcases.

It was so nice and the price was so affordable that I immediately bought another.

Yeah, me too.

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I totally forgot you guys were like this.

We didn't.

Sorry.

Ron, I can't tell you how excited we are for your final film.

It's about the second coming.

This one is sure to convince people.

Indeed, it is, brother Ron.

Okay, so what were you thinking?

Well, to begin, I thought we could have a few preachers talk about the rapture.

I love it.

Then perhaps we lay out the sacrificial tradition of Christ christ through a few biblical reenactments a wonderful way to spread the word of the lord right but then there's a young man who's gone astray oh relevant yeah he gets chased by space nazis and then karate fights people outside of body he i sorry karate fights but of course they catch him and the mole people slit his throat with a slowly lowering torture blade Damn it, Ron.

You almost made it through the whole movie this time.

I know.

This is draft like 45.

Got it.

Yeah.

And we're back for the breakdown.

And we're going to open the movie up by giving Seth those flashbacks that we were talking about via a preacher named Tim Green.

Now, he's going to like

thank us in advance for watching the movie, basically.

Right?

So much of this movie is just padding the runtime.

So he's just going to show up and go, me and Ron Ormond made this movie.

Yeah.

I like how it starts where he does that, like, oh, hello, just reading my favorite book.

It's called The Bible.

Maybe you've heard of it.

It felt like racist Mr.

Rogers is about to start.

Yeah, right, right, yeah.

Mr.

Rogers, there goes the neighborhood.

When he said, I worked with Ron Ormond, I wrote in my notes, okay, I want to hear literally all of your stories, Tim.

100%

of them.

Yeah, so Tim promises us a panoramic, like he's telling us, like, he's basically like, you, you, just this movie that you are about to watch, it is so fucking good.

You guys are going to see, quote, a panoramic view of the end times.

I didn't find it all that panoramic.

By which he means stock footage of war stuff later.

A panoramic film and 4-3 aspect ratio.

And then, of course, he talks directly to us, right?

He's like, and for those non-Christians watching the movie, Jesus is coming and you're going to be super, super sorry.

We're going to hear that a lot.

Yeah.

It's all the funnier funnier because he's like, you know, because everybody keeps saying in this movie, is there any minute Jesus will be here?

This movie was made 45 years ago.

Look, there's nothing like a rapture movie where everyone involved is dead.

You know, it's really, it warms the heart.

I was struck by,

you know, they always seem to drop these Old Testament pastors.

in front of what looks like an old linoleum set, you know, those ones where they sort of paint the bricks onto it.

And I'm sorry, but late 20th century conservative pastors, Protestant pastors all look like they just got cranked out of the same assembly line.

I mean, they're all about, what, six foot, check.

They got a gray suit, check, because they don't want anything too ostentatious.

They got white hair, check, skin that looks like pinky mice, check.

You know, they got pure motly constipated, check.

I mean, it's the same freaking thing.

And how many pastors were in this movie?

I think I counted five.

I think it's five.

It's not hard to say if they're not all the same one or five.

That is very difficult.

Right, right, exactly.

Yeah, and they're all walking like they don't want to bend the knees in their pants and stuff.

Yeah, it's interesting.

So, okay, so then I guess the movie proper kicks in, right?

We've got our generic narrator in the back, and he's going like...

Spoiler, it doesn't actually, but sort of.

No, you're right.

You're right.

Actually, this is still pre-movie.

There is so much time padding.

Ron wasn't around to show them what order the movie goes.

Right.

So we get this voiceover that's just like, you know, since the beginning of Christianity, preachers have been saying that Jesus would return any minute.

Oh, God, why are we pointing that out?

And it's kind of like instructions for the end times, I guess.

It felt like one of those Cold War videos for like duck and cover, but

forbuckles.

But for sword mouth Jesus.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You just got to get under your desk and sword mouth Jesus can't get you.

Horse locust.

Horse locusts.

They're just going to like hover right over that desk, can't get under.

Yep.

Did you notice how uh evangelist tim green was selling the movie as something remarkable because it has been seen all around the world like anything that spreads is good and like

you know what else has been seen around the world cholera and murder yeah right yes michael bay movies these have all been seen all around the world I also find it suspicious, and I know you guys have already gone there, we have another piece of Christian media with a title that sounds like porn.

And this was true when I I was in Christian radio.

Oh, interesting.

I mean, think about how many American Christian Puritans grew up singing stuff like, She touched me, pour my love on you.

Yes, yes, Lord, right?

So I don't think this is low-hanging fruit when I say the second coming sounds like Jesus is going to return wearing a ball gag.

I don't think that is too much of a stretch, but that's just me.

Well, you got to stretch it a little for it to work, but yes,

not too much.

Stretch it too.

That's how you end up with low-hanging fruit.

sure you're young you can stretch your fruit as much as you want

hit your 30s they stop coming back

god your punchlines are so much better than mine you're just so good

then we're gonna meet a series of preachers right all of them apparently distinct human beings uh based on the names first we meet dr bob gray who looks like i wrote in my notes he looks like his wife hates him and that's his whole personality.

Yep.

Right.

Yeah.

I have Dr.

Bob looks like an insurance salesman if you could buy insurance for rape accusations.

And he's going to deliver the first like chunk of this, you know, if Jesus comes and you're not Christian, you're fucked sermon, which is what they're all going to do.

We also meet Dr.

John Rowlings, who he looks like a scary version of Vincent Price.

Yes.

Think about that.

Yeah.

He looks like he was there when Jesus was killed and he's overcompensating, right?

Yeah.

Oh, is this the guy who turns into the narrator who has

timeout showing up

person?

Right.

Yeah.

Who I'm convinced killed all the other pastors in some kind of octagon situation, which is why he got to continue narrating the movie.

Yeah, right.

Like if Salvador Dali

forgot to be interesting and became a pastor.

There you go.

He's he's Salvador Dali's accountant brother.

We also meet Dr.

Greg Dixon.

These guys should not be allowed to use doctor before the names.

I don't know why I'm playing along.

Especially when you look like a 70s game show host about the apocalypse as a game somehow.

Yeah,

and Dixon is almost handsome.

It's actually a little tragic because he looks like if you dressed Josh Grobin up like a ventriloquist dummy and made him eat a peanut butter MM every time someone fucked to one of his songs.

Like it's just it's right.

It's so close.

What is wrong with you, Peter?

Who thinks like this?

He looks like the president president of Argentina right now.

Also,

exactly.

But that speaks to, like, you know, because Seth is talking about how these guys all look like they've just been assembled on the same assembly line.

That almost handsome thing is part of it, right?

Like, you can't be too handsome.

You know, you can't get people all hot and bothered in the fucking, that's why they kicked Seth out ultimately, right?

That's why they couldn't have him anymore.

I myself, I was listening to these guys sort of setting things up.

And of course, they go right to the book of Revelation, which is just a fever dream of what the funkery, right?

But, you know, I'm like, if you're going to make an end times movie, I think you have a theological obligation to include some of the stuff that they did not include.

Because we think about Revelation, we have all kinds of shit that they miss.

The seven-headed dragon riding space prostitute, right?

The whore of Babylon.

Singing eyeballs.

Yeah, the kraken, the horse locusts.

The whole time, I was mad that they weren't doing it.

Stars falling to the, yeah.

I'm just saying, you call Phil Tippett, the legendary legendary stop motion puppet too and they're like look i need a seven-headed dragon riding space prostitute tonight or tomorrow right and he's got one he's got he's ready he's ready that was in his private collection but you can use it if you don't ask questions about the stains you know we've watched something like i'm gonna say conservatively i think we've watched about 50 rapture movies and there's only been one that didn't chicken out when it came to the scorpion horse locusts right the the third uh thief in the Night movie, I think they actually had like a, you saw it in a silhouette or whatever.

Like a shadow.

It was definitely somebody who had that at home.

And they were like, yeah, no, I'll make that new.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

So, but yeah, so, but Dr.

Greg Dixon, I'm going to stop calling him fucking Dr.

Greg Dixon.

He's given his like, you know, Jesus will be back.

And he goes, you know, we know Jesus is coming back because the Bible says Jesus is coming back, right?

Which is a ridiculous fucking argument.

But instead of just finding, like, because you can't find any clear biblical evidence of the rapture, right?

Because the rapture is not in the goddamn Bible.

So instead, he uses this quote that's all just ambiguous as fucking hell.

He goes, you know, that Jesus is coming back because the Bible says that we should shun the frumius bandersnatch.

And you're just like, what the fuck does that even mean, man?

Yeah.

Whenever we get to this part of a rapture movie where preachers have to pretend the rapture isn't a construction of like 1949 or whatever the hell it became a part of their religion,

It's like reading text with your friends in college.

Like, what do you think she meant by I had a good time?

It's like, oh, come on.

Jesus is just not that into you guys.

And then the movie Bibles at us for a little while over a night sky.

Oh, yeah.

Peter Jackson wishes his walking montages were this boring.

Okay, well, we're going to get to the walking.

So, but we start off with, we have to meet Abraham, right?

We see Abraham, very white, Abraham sitting out there by his tent, and then God speaks up and he's like, Hey, kill your kid for me.

They're starting with the kill your son test in their Christian movie.

That was a bold move.

He was kind of a Peter O'Toole's alcoholic cousin.

Yeah,

that dude.

It was more of a God-drunk dial than a commandment.

Right, yeah, right, right.

Well, and that's maybe that's why Abraham has this look on his face, like, oh, okay, I guess that's uh, weird.

You fucking love me, you kill your son.

I don't know, you prove it, kill him.

So,

I always like to play this little game during Bible movies that are period pieces.

I always think about the pre-production meetings where they have these pasty white preacher types all in a back room trying to talk about, well, which area has the most Old Testament-looking rocks?

Yes, right, yeah, exactly.

Where can we drive in a day?

We want brown, but not too brown.

We want dusty and worn, but it can't be a ruin.

We want smooth contours, but we don't want something that looks sprayed on or fake.

We want a place that's hot enough to make everybody look happy.

They're not wearing pants.

You know, they're all going through these lists of requirements for what looks Bible-y, that's a half a day's travel.

Guys, I want a Jewish rock.

You know what I mean when I say that.

Well, and then also, like, you have to picture on the way, they all stop at the bed bath and beyond, and they have this whole like, we can't all have the same dish towels, guys.

Come on, we have to all pick something different.

I already have blue.

I called it.

They actually take the tablecloths and you just wrap them around their heads like scarves.

And that becomes an actual costume element in the film.

I mean, they were on a budget.

One guy definitely has the tablecloth from his local Italian restaurant on his head.

I had one more thought about this whole child sacrifice thing.

This is probably 10 years ago.

Just as a social experiment, I went on social media and I said, okay, fellow heathens, I want you to go to the religious people in your life.

And I want you to ask one question and then come back and tell me what they said.

Just paste it into the comments.

I said, if God appeared to you as he appeared to Abraham and he commanded you to sacrifice your child as an act of obedience, would you do it?

Now, unsurprisingly, almost.

All of the responses were no.

Almost.

But there were a few terrifying replies from devout believers who said, you know, God demanded it.

You know, I mean, God's law trumps man's law, and my kid would go to heaven anyway.

There was one responder who asked if they could pick the child.

Oh my God.

Davy, yes.

Isaac's a pain in the ass.

Sure.

Yeah.

And then he gets stopped by God.

Oh, all right.

Oh,

I'm sorry.

I was going to turn his room into kind of

a good office for woodworking.

I want to get a Peloton.

No, no, we'll go home and he can steal my blessing.

So, yeah, so we watch Abraham and Isaac walk for so goddamn long.

It's such an awkward Bible story.

It's just, he's about to murder his son.

He's like, hey, bud, we're just going to do a little normal walking, right?

Totally, totally cool.

And Isaac's doing the like golden retriever thing, like checking in every few steps, like running ahead a little bit, looking back.

Yes, yeah.

We're still going to be like, yeah, no.

I can't believe he hasn't said cop.

I'm not going to kill you.

I don't know why I said that, but I'm not going to kill you.

Build a a fire pit shaped like you.

I don't know.

Right.

We're just playing games.

I always pictured the altar as being like, I don't know, four or five feet tall.

Like for some reason, my brain, it's like an altar.

And in the movie, it looks like he just threw some Home Depot papers on the ground.

Yeah.

Fuck it.

Yep.

Right.

I mean, don't half-ass your human sacrifice, right?

The higher the rock pile, the sooner your kid can get to God is kind of my thinking.

You've only got one son.

Do it once, do it right.

You know what I'm saying?

And you know, I had this thought when he grabs his son's hands and he ties them with the belt i just got this distinct vibe that he had done this before i mean isaac just stands there like like oh is it thursday again

yes the kid fights back not at all He's just like, oh, dad, always tying me up and throwing me on fire fence.

Let's see where dad's going with this.

But of course, as we know, he's about to stab Isaac and God comes in and he's like, gotcha, you were going to do it.

You should have seen the look on your fucking face, face, man.

You were just.

He's going to stab him with a knife that looks like it was torn out of an Amazon Prime shipping box.

It's like the bluntest instrument ever made.

It's like, just lay there, kid.

This is going to take a really long time.

But then, you know, God says, ah, you don't have to do it.

And he's like, oh, good.

And then a lamb shows up all, hey, what are you guys doing?

And I don't understand why they would show us the lamb.

Is that in the bottom?

Yes.

Does it switch to a literal lamb?

Yes.

Like, yeah,

because for some reason in the story, God's like, no, you don't have to say, I mean, you have to kill something for me.

Something must die on my behalf now, but not your kid.

We're not killing nothing today.

Yes.

But knowing that's what happens, why would you show me the cutest goddamn animal in the fucking world in this little lamb right beforehand?

And they're like, and then this lamb showed up.

Look how cute it is.

We murdered it.

Yes.

Or lean in and show them just like watching a lamb in a bonfire

for a while.

I think in the Bible, it says it's a ram, which is one of those stupid pedantic things.

It's like when someone says, oh, Jonah wasn't swallowed by a whale.

It was a big fish.

Right.

Oh, now the story makes sense.

Thank you, grandma.

Right, but it's not an accidental mistake, right?

Because they want to tie this to Jesus and say, because that's one of the things they love to do.

It's like, right, right.

The lamb of God, just like you know who.

And so, you know, in case anybody wasn't going to get it, they actually like dissolve to the cross, to Jesus on the cross from the lamb.

Lamb's affix.

Yes.

Don't they claim the behemoth was a hippo or something like that to me?

Sometimes, or a dinosaur.

Take some of the danger out of it.

I've heard hippos will fuck you up.

Yeah, hippos are fucking worse.

Really, really.

You know, lambs and goats and rams, you know, I feel bad because if you read the Bible, they are constantly.

I mean, so they take human sin and they grab it and they throw it into these poor animals and then they slaughter the animals.

Now, here's a piece of trivia.

You guys may know this.

In the book of Leviticus, there were blood offerings, atonement offerings, and then there was one version where they would take the sin of the Israelites and they would transfer them into a goat.

And then they would release the goat out into the wilderness to ostensibly, I guess, starve to death.

And that's where we get the term scapegoat.

That was the escape

goat.

And it went out there.

Wow.

You could also do that with a chicken if you get enough centrifugal force going.

One of the least dangerous games.

How culty is blood sacrifice?

I mean, blood on the altar, blood of the lamb.

There are songs like nothing but the blood.

Are you there was a guy on Twitter a few years ago who posted, he was an ex-Christian.

He said, I cannot believe I used to sing about being washed in blood like it was totally normal.

Right.

Right.

Like I remember like my, the, the christian kids at my school trying to tell me that candy canes the red on the candy cane represents the blood of christ and i'm like well it's so much less appetizing now jesus

is wrong with you people feels like a bad thing for you guys right no yeah no we drink it we drink we love the blood what So yeah, so we dissolved to Jesus on the cross.

And it's the shape of a J like Jesus.

Yes.

Oh, man.

I just thought of that.

And it's the shepherd's crook and everything.

They have a whole thing, like nine ways that the candy cane represents Christ.

This actually tracks pretty well.

I'm going to think about Christianity.

If you fold the candy cane, it's the twin tower.

Well, yeah.

So, yeah, so, but the narrator kicks in and he's like, yeah, see, Jesus on the cross.

He goes, it was on this mountain and then they cut to the fucking Castle Grayskull play set or whatever, right?

With three little crosses on it.

This is my first diorama of the Jesus Mountain.

I fucking love it.

My wife can whip you up one of those mountain dioramas.

No need to bring the camera all the way out to the countryside.

Yeah, right, right.

So, yeah, so we cut the Jesus post-patron.

They show this all out of order, but we're getting, we meet the very white Pontius Pilate.

Well, hang on.

I got some thoughts on the cross, if I may.

Oh, by all means.

I know you want to jump to the Monty Python scene.

Oh, shit.

I just blanked on it.

What did they call him?

Build a bridge out of him.

What did they call that guy, Monty Python?

Your listeners are going to crucify me.

I want to talk about the utter impracticality of the positions of the crosses on that high mountain,

which was a cliff.

And the crosses are right at the edge of the cliff.

And I'm like, who thought that shit up?

Like, okay.

Okay.

Right.

You Roman soldiers who were on cross duty today, make sure you've got the proper shoes on.

Stay at least 10 feet from the edge, or you're going to end up just like Bob.

That's exactly what I was thinking when I saw the cross.

Wait, what happened to Bob?

Giving the guys on the crosses a big speech about not rocking back and forth because he got to use those crosses later.

Nine days without an accident at this location

is going to give us a

oh, guys, you put him, you've you faced him towards the cliff.

Now, how are we going to see him to make fun of him and shit?

So, yeah, so we get our Pontius Pilate, right?

And of course, like the narrator comes in and is like, Pontius Pilate didn't want to kill Jesus.

It was the Jews.

So we get like a first-person Jesus torture moment.

Okay, this is great because right after the crown gets put on our head, we get the one shot of a guy getting whipped.

And it's just the one shot of a guy getting whipped because they very obviously actually whipped Larry.

And he turned around and he's like, what the fuck, Chris?

Ow!

We better have gotten that fucking shot because I'm going to punch Chris in the eye now.

Just got this from Bed Bath Beyond.

Now it's got a rip.

Yeah, yeah, right.

It's ruined my wife's time.

I can't bring bring it i can't take it back now but yeah but we see jesus get nailed to the cross right because they absolutely have to show us the the hand with the nail through it and then the narrator cuts in he's like but don't worry this was totally god's plan he meant for it to go like this as much as it might not look that way Then we get a quick scene of pre-crucified Jesus given a sermon on the Sermon on the Mount of Olives.

And I'm just like, put your scenes in order.

You may not know what Ron Ormond had in mind, but you know what order these shots go in damn it ron didn't label the reels so scotch tape well i'm a voiceover guy so you know even when i was a devout christian i remember hearing narrators for christian productions i would just laugh out loud right we'd be at a church play and there was always this disembodied god voice and it's like james earl jones if you bought him on teamu kind of thing you know they always find somebody their only qualification is that their voice hits about a hundred hertz and they're not already out you know using that voice at the bar to try to pick up women, right?

I mean, because that's essentially who that guy probably is.

This guy's name is John Calvert in the film.

I do not know anything about him, but you know, that guy was out doing his work and at voice and other aspects of his life.

Oh,

sitting down at the edge of the bar going, so,

you know, the Lord said that I'm your destiny.

So you honestly, like, hearing Seth trying to do a deep voice is kind of like seeing what happens when Thor's hammer hits Captain America's shield in a sense for me.

It's good.

It's really interesting.

So yeah, so when Jesus is crucified, we see the very culturally sensitive disciples listening intently.

And then we watch Jesus ascend to heaven.

And my God, it's glorious.

Yeah.

Not enough movies do heaven Jesus ascension with a boo

sound effect.

Highly recommend.

Why does the depiction of Jesus on the cross make it look like they crucified Roger Rabbit?

I mean, I don't understand why Jesus is a carpenter and he's a God-man, and his arms look like drinking straws.

I don't understand that.

I always get the silhouette there on that one.

They're really nervous about trying to show Jesus' face here, so we're constantly going to see him in silhouette and whatnot as well.

That's why I like the Italians.

They're not afraid of a ripped Jesus.

Yeah.

You go to an Italian chapel, you see a Jesus with a 12-pack cum gutters ready.

Fuck yeah.

looks like a Trump coin or something.

Yeah, right.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Did you just say the word cum gutter?

Come gutters.

That's what they're called.

Obliques.

Other people call them obliques.

And look, there are not many people do it with fat instead of muscle.

You can gutter it up however you want.

That can become crap.

I'm blushing over here.

Seth, why did you go back for clarification, man?

You got to learn to just push through, right?

So if you know, if you want to be friends with me.

Because I've told you once, I've told you with that.

what was i thinking asking you to elaborate everybody google cum gutters in

everyone google

one second i have a website make sure your seth your save search is off okay

so somehow now we are 10 minutes we're like 25 minutes into the room we're 10 minutes into the movie this is a 57 minute movie this is where we get the title it's like a fucking episode of invincible i was so mad i was like the movie's starting now that that's bullshit.

Like the chess clock was going.

Yes.

Discounts.

Like, I'm already in.

Right.

Be honest.

Now, the original title, the movie is now called The Second Coming, but the original movie title was, It's About the Second Coming, because you want the title to tell your audience what the movie is about.

I guess.

And then we get like the end credits, like end-level credits.

Now, there was a time, like credits migrated to the end of the movie.

They started out at the beginning of them, and they eventually just got so damn long we had to put them at the end.

This movie was made before that migration was complete, apparently.

I did enjoy one thing about the credits: they are doing some music, and the triangle player of this orchestra is going buck wild on triangle.

Truly, like he's the cowbell guy, and he is expeded about it.

So, we also, okay, so here's what I love about the credits.

First of all, they had a list of guest preachers, as though some of the preachers lived in this movie, and also they had a special thanks for Ruby Tuesdays.

What did Ruby Tuesdays do to earn that credit?

That's what I want to know because that must have been at a corporate level.

They probably hooked them up with the catch-up.

Yeah.

Right?

Like, yeah.

And then they've got that line that says, thank you to the folks at Mammoth Onyx Cave in Kentucky, which I guess had really good biblical-looking rocks or whatever.

Oh, it must have been.

And I'm like, okay, wait a minute.

I looked it up.

The rock beds at Mammoth Cave formed like 300 million years ago.

Allegedly.

The water flows formed the cave 15 million years ago.

Okay, so actors are telling an Old Testament story in a natural set, which itself disproves Yanyo's creation.

Oh, well done.

They just have to like fuzz out the sedimentary layers that you can see.

Yep.

It's pixelated like Japanese porn.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, okay, so the credits end, we get this, the angels appear to the disciples post-ascension and tell them to get to acting, right?

You know, it's like, we got a whole other fucking book we got to do.

What are we going to fill the whole damn thing with letters?

Yeah.

Angel guy comes in and he's like, hey, so that was the and magic trick.

Jesus did it.

It was like an applause sign for a live studio audience.

Yes.

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And the way they depicted his death, it's really remarkable that Jesus did rise again because the guy hammering in the nails.

looked pissed like he had had a fight with his wife on the way out the door and he was just sitting there with the big sledge sledge Jesus and laying down he's like what do you mean I never do

it too

what if I told you you were like just like your mother bam you know what if I slaughtered meat with the good scissors bam he just literally just pounded the shit out of Jesus so the fact that Jesus could recover from that to me it does sound rather divine pretty impressive

pretty impressive use the good scissors so okay so then quite generally we see that we go straight from the angels going like all right so Jesus ascended now it's time for the book of Acts we go straight from there to a city, like a modern city, right?

And this scroll comes along on the bottom, and the scroll is way too long.

I almost went with this for the best verse.

It goes, the time,

someday in the future.

And I'm like, that's the date.

That's not even the time.

You could just say future.

Like, right.

We'll know it's

the only word that matters.

Yes, exactly.

That's the Chiron of a religion that's been wrong for 2,000 years and counting my friends.

So then, and then it goes, Worldwide mandate.

No one allowed to buy or sell without global identification.

And of course, we had to all have that moment where like, what a weird thing to be afraid of, right?

You could just ban one of those and it kind of like works to ban the other.

Yeah, really, honestly.

Just make it less red tape, you know?

Yeah, yeah, no, absolutely.

And, and then it says, and I guess this is supposed to be ominous.

This is all the same bottom of the screen.

It's like scrolling across like a fucking ticker.

It goes, violators will be dealt with on location by global police right so we're getting a bunch of rules are people in this universe supposed to like read the text on the bottom of the screen of the world they're in interesting yeah so so then we see so we get that little scroll and then we see a goddamn clown car of global police I think it's cool that the global police all ride Zambonis in the future.

That's an interesting choice.

Wait, so they've got like five people all just hanging off of this little fucking car.

It's just hilarious.

And they have really silly like plastic.

Remember Spy Tech, the toy for kids from like 1990 with like the big radar thingy and it's all very silly oversized spy stuff.

They all have like a piece of that, each of them, and they fought over it for sure.

It reminded me of that.

Remember that video game shooter?

Yeah, I want to say it came out in the 1990s where it was like Area 51 or something.

Yes.

All the baddies came out and they jumped behind a barrel and all you did was just shoot randomly.

And then all of a sudden, there would be a civilian, like a woman in a mini skirt, would pop out and they'd go, No!

Yeah, and you're not.

I literally saw that street, and I thought, oh my God, I've gone back in time 30 years to see if I can play a Radio 51 video game.

I'm about to put $40 worth of quarters into something.

Yeah, right, right, yeah, exactly.

So, yeah, so we got one guy, he's got the big radar gun, another guy has the, he's just randomly in a motorcycle helmet.

But he's the only guy.

Yeah.

He's the only guy who gets a helmet.

Like, that was also a a huge fight.

Who gets to be the helmet guy?

I didn't realize Daft Punk put out albums and

starred in film Christian.

Christian Ryo.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, like, apparently they were like, well, you know, the kids love this shit when Darth Vader did it.

So give the bad guy a helmet.

And, you know, we're talking George Lucas money.

But yeah, but they're hunting Christians.

Apparently they're listening for Christians with the radar gun.

Or people who are, you know, buying slash selling slash trucking exchanging bartering i don't know they're going after fugitives of some sort well yeah but they're so they're listening for people

yeah with radar right they're they're listening for people buying without the tattoo with radar it can sense the velocity of money it can tell you

this blip looks extremely divine and holy we must now

Well, so, yeah, so they drive on and like, you know, with the very, very quiet, they're hunting Christians thing.

And as they do, a family of Christians emerges from the bushes, right?

And the dad gives this whole speech where he's like, he's like, if we can just make it through this scene.

Clay Smash Bruce.

Don't worry, Papa.

I'll juggle our silverware as we go across the street.

So the kid bangs into a bunch of trash kids.

And of course, they hear him on the radar.

So the Christians go get him.

And did you notice the guy in the daft punk helmet?

When he spoke,

I thought he sounded like kind of a redneck version of like somebody who just parked his tractor in the field.

And then he tried to speak like Berner Herzog.

He was like, Yes, yes, we have

everlasting life.

It literally had that kind of vibe.

And then he shoots what looked like a Hanshot first blaster.

Did you guys notice the guy?

Oh, a little wire.

Yeah.

Pyrotechnics guy got to do some work.

He was in the credits.

I was excited when I was like, Pyrotechnic's in the credits.

Okay.

Oh, yeah.

So we got some here.

I will say my favorite part of this character, the daft punk helmet guy, is that the visor part of the helmet has a very slow, like mechanical up button for it to like

so he could like look at you and then do his Werner Herzog speak.

Like a fucking garage door opening.

Yeah.

I wanted it to get stuck and

lower it.

I wrote exactly that.

I was like, I want, I want so bad for this to be like halfway up.

And he's like, just give me a second.

Oh, I'll just do it with my hands.

Fuck it.

Well, also, and this is made all the funnier.

I broke the gear this side.

I'm gonna have to get a new one.

Well, it's made all the funnier by the fact that he has a mustache.

Suicide is like popping out under the fucking helmet and everything.

And he's like, but he finally gets it up and he's talking to the dad.

And he goes, Your Christ has been dead for centuries.

And the dad goes, no, he lives.

Dude, smacks the shit out of him.

Oh, I think it was.

Your Christ has been dead for centuries.

He goes, no, we'll have everlasting life.

He goes, oh, tell me about this everlasting life when I've got you killed in this fucking gutter over here, huh?

Huh?

And I'm like, oh, that's a good one.

Turn of phrase, death, life, got him.

Yep, yep.

I also enjoyed that helmet guy has the evil tattoo you see for a second.

It's the 666, but you look at it, it's a 999.

Well, sure.

It's a 666 if you read it from your side while their fist is up.

Very few situations where that's practical.

Yeah.

Arms are like in a normal place.

So, yeah, so but he turns to the dad and he's like, you walk that way, and the dad starts walking that way.

He shoots him with the Han Shot first laser, which is fucking amazing, right?

It's like Ron Ormond never disappoints, even when he's dead, right?

And dad very,

so they show him falling in slow motion, but dad very much just fell down for real.

Yep.

Right.

There was no fight choreographer on this set.

So So we watch him hit his cheek super hard on this trash again.

It's so emotional.

Oh,

fuck Linda.

What's this bullshit at your church?

Christ.

This is why I'm secretly gay.

So yeah, so they shoot the dad and they shoot the mom, you know, and the kids like, you know, sad and he's hovering over top of the mom.

And the guy's like, we'll let you go if you renounce Jesus.

And he goes, No.

And then the helmet shoots him as well.

He says, He says, They're both dead.

And he goes, They're not dead, they're with Jesus.

And I wanted the helmet guy to be like, Okay,

they're still dead.

That's you agree, they're dead.

They're not dead,

dead, and with Jesus.

I didn't say they weren't with Jesus.

And that kid grew up to be Batman.

Yeah, that's right.

Yeah,

exactly.

I just want to throw that up.

He grew up to be Bible Man.

Yeah, exactly.

Bible man.

So then we get like, and this is going to happen several times in the movie, but this is the first time it happens.

So, like, there's like diegetic preaching in this film, right?

So, like, the scene ends, and just a preacher, like the Vincent Bryce guy, the Salvador Dali guy, just walks out of the shadows and goes, What you just saw will happen during the tribulation.

We're all just like, Wait, where the fuck did you come from?

Wait, are you walking through the doodly-doo of practice?

You have to swoosh in and out of that shit.

What are you doing?

Have you noticed guys like that always seem to blink at exact intervals?

it's like it's like they're being held hostage somewhere and they're on they're forced to make a video so they're blinking like i you know i fell asleep at the retirement home and i woke up in this suit and the guy in the black mask says i got to make a video jesus lord right tell my family i love them and the money is in the walls you know what i'm saying i did just get that vibe

But then so then the preacher once again admits, he's like, well, you know, look, everybody has said that they were living in the last days.

That's true.

but our generation is the rightest.

And we show like a clip of, you know, a hurricane and a flood and a landslide, as though to say, see the apocalypse, I guess.

But then they show like a modern building.

So it's like, yeah, the Bible totally nailed this prophecy, earthquakes, hurricanes, this high-rise apartment building getting blown up.

Exploding.

Yeah.

What I loved is they show the exploding building.

And then as he's continuing the narration, he's in front of an exploded building so i wrote in my notes did

did he blow up that building to illustrate his point about the end of it i totally got know where the budget went the opening of flash gordon vibes on that the disaster did you notice that oh interesting yeah yeah

you know we'll destroy this earth

i totally got a flash gordon kind of a thing watching that well but so and the greatest thing about the fucking blowed up building he i had the same thing in my notes is that he says at that point he goes like you know these were all the predictions of the ancient Hebrew sages.

I'm like floods and earthquakes, shit that always has happened.

And then they show a blown up building.

I'm like, well, that wasn't the Hebrew sages didn't say that.

I'd be damn impressed if they said that.

Yeah, right, right.

I'd be a Christian if they said that.

But then, and this is interesting when he admits this a couple of times, the Salvador Dali guy goes like, you know, we Christians don't really agree on what this shit means.

Which is weird.

You would have thought Jesus would be super specific.

You wouldn't think that like the most important thing that you could possibly know would be this open to interpretation but uh yeah what we do know though is that the rapture will happen when you least expect it and i'm like well then isn't this movie delaying it by making people expect it more hey can you just give us like an eta as best you could your god narrow it down to a generation all right well with the promise that a plot will break out eventually sort of we're gonna pause for another break but we'll be back in a flash with even more of

the second coming.

Are you on the way yet, at least?

Okay, try mine.

No, it will destroy your palate, Seth.

Try mine.

Mine, try mine.

Guys, guys.

Hey, guys, what are you doing to Seth?

Oh, we cooked him dinner.

Well, we started cooking him dinner, and then we maybe got a little busy arguing over whose food was better.

You tied me to a chair.

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Thanks.

Sorry, Seth.

I guess we got a little out of hand.

Yeah.

Why'd you guys take his shirt off?

For the

rope.

Man, I'm really sorry about this.

It happens more than you think.

Yeah, it does.

Hi, I'm Tony D from Tony D's House of Christian Movie Signs.

The rapture just happened.

And this weekend, we're having a sale so crazy, our products will be gone like a thief of the night.

We got whistling tea kettles, TVs that have been left on, mysteriously still running lawnmowers, and so many abandoned piles of clothes, I don't know what to do with them.

Baby clothes, adult clothes, clothes weirdly laid out in the shape of a person that could only have been lying flat on the floor, all at rock-bottom prices.

Dony D's House of Christian movie signs the rapture just happened.

When tour in the field, they're both getting amazing deals.

And we're back for more of the shit.

We're going to rejoin the action in a diner where we're going to meet the main character of the movie.

More than a third of the way through it.

This is Roger.

All right, fellas.

We've shot 34 minutes of us wandering through our churches repeating our philosophy.

I think we can start including some of those reels Ron left us in his wheel.

You want to wrap it?

Oh, you want to keep it?

Okay, yeah, we can do that.

No, no, no, that's where the movie starts.

That's why you're in charge.

So Roger's at a diner.

He's having a food when Tim Green, the preacher that introduced us to the whole movie, shows up and he's like, hey, Roger, I sure hope you come to church tomorrow.

Right.

And Roger's like, I'm not really into that church scene.

And, of course, we've watched Ron Ormond movies before and we're like, oh, this character had a chance to get saved and didn't take it.

He's going to get fucked up.

Yeah, that's the nice thing about a Ron Orman movie is that other rapture movies, you know, they let their protagonists sort of hang around a little bit.

But if you said no to Jesus in front of Ron Orman, you are about to be covered in red ketchup very soon.

Oh, yeah, your head is coming off.

Before the red ketchup, probably Glycerin Tears.

Did you see that on the kid before they executed him?

Oh, yeah.

Like the first act.

I was like, those are so obvious.

Like right before you can see that they took whatever those things are.

I'm surprised Glycerin Tears did not get a mention in the credits along with, you know, Mammoth Onyx Cave or whatever.

And Ruby Tuesdays, yeah.

But yeah, so Tim Green promises Roger, the main character, that there's going to be this great sermon about the end times and the second coming at the church, but he's still not impressed.

His girlfriend shows up, and there's a great moment where Roger's like, he's like, she's like, oh, who's your friend?

He goes, he's not my friend.

He's a preacher who was just getting the fuck away from my table, wasn't he, preacher, man.

So the pastor goes to leave, but of course he has to try to talk the girlfriend into coming to church first.

He has to Jesus flirt with her a little bit.

He's like, hey, the whole conversation is just a series of boundary violations, isn't it?

Just to walk in and say, hey, good to see you.

I'm going to have a seat.

You're living wrong.

You don't want to burn, do you?

Who's this stranger?

You're going to burn.

Yes.

You guys need to go to church.

It's a total series.

Here's a pamphlet about how you're going to burn.

Here's your homework.

Change your religion now.

Okay, bye.

I'm struck by how these preachers.

especially of that era are so obsessed with like pocketbooks and handouts, which I think is just the most weak ass form of evangelism because it requires really no commitment, no time, no energy, no legwork.

I mean, you might as well just like have slipped a flyer under the windshield wiper of their car for what it was worth, right?

And this was 1980, which of course was the heyday of the chick tract.

And if you don't know what chick tracks are, those creepy little.

gospel cartoon booklets created by a guy named Jack Chick back in the 60s.

And so essentially, Jack Chick, he was this wackadoodle, bigoted, apocalyptic nightmare of a a human being.

And apparently he went to his illustrators and said, okay, look, I want you to create pages and pages of penciled hate designed to make non-Christians either laugh out loud or shit their pants because the whole thing was just apocalypse driven.

They had titles like The Beast, Almost Time.

Where did they go?

And I think there are like 250 chick tracks doing this pocket evangelism.

And I think really they're designed to make Christians feel like they're doing something meaningful when they slip one of these books, like this pastor, they just slip it, hand it over, drop it in somebody's Halloween bucket, et cetera, right?

Right.

Well, yeah, it's a way of always getting the last word, right?

Like, oh, we'll take this.

And of course, as Mitch Hedberg said, anytime somebody hands you a pamphlet, it's like they're saying, here, you throw this away, right?

But you still get the last word.

I thought he was going to leave one of those ones that looks like a $20 bill as a tip at this dime.

Yeah.

Fucking word.

And then the waitress just beats the fuck out of him.

Yeah, right.

And Ray Comfort for making it.

Yeah.

So, but his girlfriend hooks up with him.

The preacher leaves and she says, hey, let's go out to all the night spots.

Let's do risk behaviors together.

Less of a Christian who hasn't been exposed to nightlife and more of an alien faking its way in a human corpse situation we're watching on the screen right now.

Yeah.

His girlfriend is Eve, by the way.

I thought that was fun.

Oh, I missed that.

And she's like, yeah, I guess we can go, you know, do risk-b.

I just got here, though.

This is weird.

We just sat down.

Okay, we're leaving.

We're leaving.

At a restaurant, apparently they were meeting at a restaurant to go on a date elsewhere.

Okay.

So he like, he had dinner by himself and had Eve meet him there.

And then the plan to leave right away after he's done.

She's like the talking snake in the parking lot said you'd be here.

So they leave and then all the lights go out and everybody freezes and that fucking preacher is sitting there again diegetically and you're like, stop.

Would you stop just showing up like that?

Okay, I laughed at this one.

Salvador Dali, they pan over.

He's like sitting by himself in a booth in this liner and he's like, that was about, please darken the room.

Please, everybody.

Yeah,

everybody actually freeze, don't move.

The rapture shit.

Okay, it was about the rapture.

Stop eating that french fry.

Yeah, right.

No, but yeah, he's like, the Antichrist is going to show up after the rapture, and then you'll sure be sorry.

But he starts giving us a sermon, and that fades to a different pastor

giving the same sermon.

Yeah, they do like a Mr.

Show segue thing.

Yeah.

Which is kind of fun.

Yeah.

Zoom out.

It's like a shoebox diorama.

Zoom out again.

It's God drawing himself like M.C.

Escher.

I thought they could have had fun with it.

They did not.

And correct me if I'm wrong here, but we kind of fall into a different movie for a few minutes here, right?

About this Antichrist guy.

Yeah, the Antichrist versus this one preacher's heart condition becomes the plot of the rest of this movie, including, and I'm really hoping you guys can clarify this, the box accident.

Okay, so we're going to get to the bus accident, but first we've got the, we have to meet the facial paralysis communist accent guy.

Oh, every off-Broadway director?

That guy?

Yeah.

I wrote the turtleneck and the blazing.

Yes.

It looks like the Heaven's Gate guy.

It looked just like the Heaven's Gate color.

Oh, wow.

I wrote in my notes as Dracula mid-stroke for his accent.

Yes, right.

I want to so call the name Believe.

I like that he fell into his real Brooklyn accent for a second because he like forgotten.

He's going to keep doing the Dracula and then he remembers again.

He's like, all right, evil accent.

And he has to transition back into it from Brooklyn accent back to evil Dracula.

It was fun.

Anyways, I am the

Antichrist.

But so what's happening here is that the preacher has just given this speech about the Antichrist.

He's given this sermon about the Antichrist.

And so now the Antichrist, who is at the church at the moment, steps in and he's like, hey, I thought, you know, you said some really rude things about the Antichrist.

And I think we could, you know, or whatever.

And so they're having this like theological conversation where the, where the pastor's like, look, I know an Antichrist when I see what I can tell by the accent.

It's a Ron Ormond movie.

You sound vaguely, you sound like a Brooklyn guy who's never been to Europe doing European as though that was one accent, right?

I was just doing this.

Yeah.

You're taking me back to the moment, man.

That's so good.

You've literally transported me back to the film.

That's method.

That's so method.

Really good stuff.

So, but then

the preacher's like, I'm going to tell on you.

And he's like, no, I'm going to give you a magical heart attack.

But apparently the priest has some anti-satanic heart attack pills

on his desk.

These are some really good pills.

They work in three seconds to prevent

demons.

You've not even been all the way down your throat yet.

I don't know how it's working.

West.

Curse you, Bayas.

I'm just struck by how.

Believers are so easily affected by satanic power.

I mean, if you read the Bible, right?

No weapon formed against me shall prosper.

The victory is already won, blah, blah, blah.

And then all it takes is some angular-faced dude, squinting guy walking into the office and he gives you that look, like the look that, you know, an olive garden waiter brought you the calamari instead of the breadsticks and you got pissed off.

And so you channel that kind of rage.

And all that's all it takes.

And you go into heart palpitations, heavy breathing, sweats.

I do not understand.

I wrote in my notes, I'm like, why don't you compel him in the name of Christ, dude?

If I was a pastor and a firm believer and the Antichrist killed me even before Act II started, I would have words for Jesus when I got up there.

But maybe my powers might be a little bit stronger than the demon and the powers and principles.

You didn't say superior powers and principalities.

You just said powers.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, no, so he kicks the Antichrist out.

Didn't realize I was on the losing team.

Maybe tell your dad to design the heart a little bit better, more intelligently.

I don't know.

Fuck.

So he kicks out the Antichrist and the Antichrist is so mad that he like uses his telekinesis to shatter the glass in a framed picture.

That was a weird low-level use of Antichrist.

Very petty.

Very petty Antichrist stuff.

Oh, you're going to kick me out?

Well, fucking break your little frame that you have.

There you go.

Fuck you.

If you're barefoot later, you might hurt yourself.

So, but then, okay, then we cut to this weird ass bus accident that Eli was talking about.

This has nothing to do with the goddamn movie whatsoever.

Clearly, like, again, like, all of this footage was meant to be tied into a larger film.

Nobody could figure out what he had in mind with this, but they're like, fuck it.

We've got the footage.

And we have a bus because you know, these are church people.

So, what are the, what are the resources?

What are the assets?

Oh, sure.

They've got congregants.

They've got a building.

And somewhere in the parking lot, they've got a bus.

And they're like, oh, shit, that's a prop that we don't have to pay for.

We've got to shoehorn this into the film somewhere.

Well, and what's amazing is they need a bus accident, but of course they can't wreck this bus.

So they just have it like somehow like diagonal a little bit.

Yeah, it was like one of those damaged ships in the original Star Trek where, you know, they would shoot the Romulans and hanging in space, apparently by one engine from it, like a fishing line would be the ship.

That's what they did to the bus in this movie.

Right.

I want to know why a bus driver with children in the bus is doing fucking 70 miles an hour on a dirt road with S curves, right?

He's like, all all right, kids, you have flexible bones.

If you hit the ceiling, I think you're going to be fine.

He starts,

so

we see the accident and he's talking to the cops and he's like reliving it.

And we're flashing back to it.

And this guy is just, it's like me playing fucking Mario card in here, right?

He's like, I'm sorry, so I'm hauling ass down the road, seeing if I can get the 80 on this motherfucker over here.

And then some asshole comes in.

He's like, drifts into my lane.

I'm like, you're going to kill all these kids.

And the car that comes around the corner that runs them off the road.

Anybody see that old 1977 horror movie called The Car?

No.

If you haven't seen it, you got to go to YouTube because it may, the whole film may actually be on YouTube, but it's, it was sort of in the 70s and that specific kind of a vibe where supernatural, inanimate objects become evil kind of a thing.

And the car was this old school Lincoln Continental, black in color, blacked out windows that apparently was a demon car with no driver.

And it would just, it would just drive around and fuck people up.

And that's all it did.

It could go, it could run it over hitchhikers, it could drive through your house.

The only place it couldn't go was into a cemetery.

Oh, it's gold.

And so the car that comes around that runs the, and so this is within three years of each other.

And I think, okay, Universal Studios had this old car.

And they're like, well, let's put a classified ad out and see, are you, is anyone out there making an apocalypse movie and you need evil on four wheels called?

Oh, interesting.

Yeah.

right.

And then Stephen King did so much cocaine and did maximum overdrive.

That's like a third steal of that.

That's true.

Yeah, right, right.

But yeah, so, but, but the cops are all like, well, that all sounds a little unbelievable.

And the kid, and he's like, no, this kid was sitting up front with me.

And I'm like, what?

He's like, tell them about it.

And he's like, yeah, no, that's exactly what happened.

I'm like, well, let's go back to why the fuck a kid was sitting up front with you while you were driving a goddamn bus.

We were smoking cigarettes together.

Yeah, right, yeah.

But the kid tells us, he's like, I tried to get the car's license plate, but it disappeared.

Pin in that in case you have an extra pin that you never have to pull out any point in your fucking life in the future.

So, okay.

So then we cut to a preacher talking about that crash, right?

He's the church the next day going like, yeah, you know, so there was a bus crash.

I bet that's going to come back later on in the plot somehow, huh?

Well, hang on a second because I was lost.

Who was on the stretcher?

Whenever they loaded the, there was a body after the accident.

I thought a kid got taken away on a stretcher.

Yes.

Made even more confusing by the fact that this preacher is about to preface his church sermon by being like, so anyways, nobody was hurt.

And I was like, I thought I just saw someone on a stretcher.

Yes.

Anyways, that's the morning announcements for church that we apparently have right now.

Let's get to our religion.

Yeah.

Those kids almost died.

And now a little Doc Severin and the Tonight Show band and they like use a choir as like a zoopaway before the sermon.

This guy, it turns out, like, do churches have like a warm-up comedian, Seth, in your experience?

Is that not true and topical?

There were tons of that particular flavor of church choir with the robes.

I mean, these days in hip church culture, like the less formal you look, the more apparently you're in touch with the Jesus who accepts everyone, come as you are, Jesus, kind of deal.

But back then, it was all like those sort of satin robes and muted colors with the white collars.

And you look like, you know, you literally look like you were carved out of ceramic.

and then they sit everybody in rows.

And sometimes they segregate the men and the women because, you know, people with urges and robes might just sort of reach out

to each other.

And also, how excited were you when the choir started singing and it cut away?

Right?

Because you Ron Orman knew our hearts.

Imagine being Ron Orman, newly converted Christian filmmaker.

You film an entire choir performance, and days before your own death, you're like, that's boring as shit.

Cut it.

No strawberry syrup.

It goes.

So we cut to, yeah, because we have the choir start singing, and then we cut to like Dimitri, that that is the Antichrist.

So you can tell, because he has a European name, right?

Dimitri the Antichrist, he's like magically attacking the preacher in a flashback or something.

I can't really tell.

Right.

But then we watch that sort of weird flashback and we cut to the end of the choir song and the guy going like, well, that was the end of the choir song.

It was lovely.

Wouldn't have want to cut that out of a movie or anything.

But then he introduces the preacher, who is the preacher earlier who had, you know, who saved himself from the demonic heart attack.

I say the preacher from earlier.

There's been like 11 of them so far, right?

Yeah.

So that guy was like the opener.

Wait, I saw the movie and I'm lost.

Which preacher?

Which preacher are we talking about?

It's hard to keep track for sure.

Yeah, so this is heart attack preacher.

Okay, the one at the desk who grabbed the pills.

Yes, yeah.

He's the headliner pastor with like the real sermon, I guess.

Right, right, yeah.

He's no bullshit warm-up sermon there.

I just felt like this was a missed opportunity.

I mean, the Antichrist or whoever is going, you know, he's going after the pastor at the pulpit.

I'm like, this could have been a full-on scanner's ripoff, right?

Oh, no, shit.

This could have been a scanner.

And instead, what do we get?

We get this like spine-chilling display of apocalyptic limpness.

He's like, just like,

spunk, and then lays on the ground.

And then some dude comes up who obviously has no medical training.

What are chest compressions for CPR?

Are you supposed to do like five centimeters deep, 100 a minute, right?

This guy looks like he brushed away some lint on the guy's chest.

They said, oh, sorry.

Sorry.

It looks like, you know, he was a good man.

He's down.

He's down.

Hey, you know what?

We're already at church.

Might as well do the funeral right now.

Yeah, right.

Maybe I do the elbow.

Hey, nope, still heart attack.

All right.

Well, and look, if any Christian filmmaker was ever going to go full skaters, it was Ron Ormond.

You have to feel like maybe they talked him out of a more bloody and spectacular death.

They're like, the dude could just have a heart attack, man.

Is this the guy who put the sticks through the children's throat in

if horses, what tire?

Is that right?

Yeah, if Footman Tire, you want to be aware of that.

He was always doing like kind of gore porn and calling it, well, I don't really enjoy this, but it's something that will happen.

So therefore, I must do it, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's the guy.

Yeah.

So, but he, but yeah, so he has a heart attack.

He preaches all the way through it, right, about what full of shit atheists are.

And then, you know, the guy says, like, yeah, he's gone.

And his wife, they turn to his wife and she's got this like, well, damn it.

Now who's going to drive on the way home?

Kind of an attitude.

Okay.

So just to be clear, the Antichrist character gave the pastor a minor heart attack earlier.

to like build the moment and now gave him another one.

It was a warning shot.

Or maybe he was just practicing, right?

Or

he hasn't used his heart attack powers very much.

He got nervous.

He's like, oh, God, that was shit.

That was shit.

I'll come back.

I'll come back later.

I'm going to warm up.

So, but yeah, so, but he dies, and then everybody freezes long enough for fucking Vincent Price to explain that, you know, God actually meant for all of that to happen.

Hey, everybody.

I read what Eli wrote in his scam notes during that last scene, and no,

God gave Satan powers for dramatic tension.

Loves a three-actor, the Lord of the universe.

Yeah, right.

But the preacher guy is like, well, you know, but this reminds me of that time that Jesus came back from the dead.

So we doodally do

to

Roman guards in front of the tomb playing farkle.

No, Noah, they're playing dice.

Are they like normal dice that you would have?

No, they would not be normal dice.

They'd actually be far larger than any dice that you would ever put.

Extremely silly and large.

these dice belong at an orgy for the near-sighted or hanging off of someone's rear view mirror

or both this is what your grandma uses with grandpa for his birthday so authentic as they're standing out there in front of hardware store dura flame logs

sitting right in front of them right right i like that they made one of those dice wrong it has two fours on it you can see oh did it really has four and four next to each other so yeah so but they're all just they're playing some dice and hanging out.

A thunderstorm kicks up around them.

An angel in white robes appears and rolls back the rocks.

Oh, here's a great idea, Roman soldiers.

Wear a metal hat in a lightning storm.

Awesome.

That's awesome.

Why would they have their helmets on at this point, right?

What are they worried about happening?

But yeah, and then the guards pass out from Jesus's holiness, apparently.

Yeah, but they saw the other guy fuck up his face out of the trash can earlier in the movie so they do like a southern bell pass out onto each other's calves and like yeah right

yeah I'll catch you if you catch me pass out yeah

so now it's the next morning the women show up at the tomb they don't seem you know surprised that the rocks rolled back at all And of course, where Jesus should be, a glowy angel is there to explain what's going on in the story.

Does it tell us why they just waltzed in?

I mean, they just walked in like it was another day at the office.

Yeah.

I'm sorry, it's a this is a grave, like, and you guys are walking in like you're, you know, I don't know what they were doing.

And then they find that pristine cloth, the empty cloth and the burial shroud, I guess, but it was, there was not a mark on it, right?

It's pristine.

I thought the shroud of Turin people are going to be pissed.

I wanted one of the women to turn to the others and be like, ladies, we should wait 500 years and then sprinkle some blood on this.

What do you think?

That sounds like good a let's use the fibers from a different era, though.

How about that?

Yeah, let's make sure we use all of the two.

Sign it.

Sign it Shippothesius at a sign it, Greg from Roman times later.

Let's add some carbon to it, too.

And then to bring the good news to the masses, Mel Gibson can go on Joe Rogan and spread the good news.

What a plan.

What a plan.

Yeah,

but the angel's like, he is risen, and he disappears with a quick ta-da.

And then this very southern lady goes, Y'all, he is risen.

Yep, that's a sheet.

He is a resurrected guy.

That's official.

He's risen.

And every casserole I make has marshmallows on top, savory or sweet.

I promise you that.

So, yeah, so and then Vincent fucking Price shows up and he goes, he is risen.

Everybody, freeze again, freeze again.

I'm talking now.

And then he doodly-doos us into Babylon because apparently that's the other footage they had.

Oh, that was the Wren Fair?

Babylon?

Yeah,

where we meet Zoltar.

He's there in case anybody wishes they were big.

Yeah.

At any point.

I like that there were magicians doing magic tricks, crystal balls, and the wise men all sharing one big book.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That was cool.

So this is Nebuchadnezzar, the king of Babylon.

And they tell us that he has, yeah, a magician, but also a sorcerer.

Yes.

And I was like, cool.

He thinks one of the, like, he's got a real magic guy, and then he's got like a tricks guy.

Yeah.

I think that he has both.

Probably kept asking the sorcerer to do that one where he figures out his card or whatever.

Do the one with the linking rings.

He's like, that's not a fucking sorcerer trick, man.

He also, he also, he says he's got magicians and sorcerers and wise men.

And I'm like, so what are the fucking magicians dumb?

What are you talking about, man?

So it's like what Eli describes me as the smart one.

You know, it's kind of

So then, okay, so we cut to Nebuchadnezzar.

He's having his nightmare.

And we see the big, lovely tiger print over his bed.

Oh, no.

I want to talk about this guy's bedroom because this sounds like the guy I'd want to hang out with.

The whole time, I'm like, okay, I see.

I see hanging ropes.

I got a purple dot wall that's shaped like an X-Files alien.

He's sleeping under the tiger tapestry.

He's got 15 lit candles while he sleeps on top of the covers.

He has a blue and a green silk pillow.

And while he sleeps, he is wearing a little tiara.

That guy was awesome.

That guy fucked.

You know, that bed is spinning.

They don't show us, but like, that bed can fucking spin.

And vibrating.

And vibrating.

And there's a mirror on the ceiling.

Yeah.

No, this is this.

There's some work being done.

So, so here's how amazing this fucking room is.

Seth, there was also a giant lion print in that room, and you didn't even mention it, right?

Didn't get around it.

There So much shit getting going on.

You were just like,

I can't even be bothered to mention the giant lion photo that kind of fucking clashes with the tiger theme.

Yeah, the movie even like insists on showing you again.

It's like, here's the lion, and then you see the tiger poster behind the bed.

And they're like, by the way, if you didn't see it earlier, because you got confused.

Yes, right.

Here's the lion.

We have both.

And this guy fucks.

And we got, so we get one of these moments, and this happens all the time in biblical movies, where they're showing us something that was never meant to be visualized that far right because this is the story where Nebuchadnezzar has the dream about the statue that's layered and it's got gold and it's got the feet of clay right or whatever so what we have to see now is a statue that's layered like this that's gold and then whatever bronze and then iron and and then clay and it's like well it looks really fucking dumb so so because again it's not just because the dream if they could accurately represent it would already look silly but these motherfuckers had paper paper-mâché money.

You know what I'm saying?

So it's it looks like your nephew's troubling first attempt at a chocolate Easter bunny.

Like, you're like, Yeah, this is great, buddy.

I'm gonna put this away and check you in patient.

But thank you so much.

Yeah, no, I won't be eating it.

It looked like they were building the statue of Paper Mache at kindergarten and they couldn't get all the crayon colors they wanted exactly because somebody else got like other ones, right?

They did the best they could, yeah, exactly.

So,

and then we see like a rock hurls towards it in slow motion and it hits the feet and then the statue falls and then the statue explodes and then the statue explodes again.

They have the budget for absolutely nothing, but when it came time to blow some shit up, Ron Orman was like, blow it up twice, though.

Blow it up.

Make it blow up while it's blowing up.

It's like how occasionally when you're listening to Christian music, you'll hear like a tiny bit of artistry from the person they could have been.

That's how I feel whenever Ron gets to blow someone up or kill someone.

Yeah, right.

It's like, there was a filmmaker in there once, my boy.

She would have gone to church without you, Ron.

So then we cut to fucking Daniel Bob having dinner, right?

And this is my favorite fucking actor because this guy's going to play Daniel, but he's got this just absolute Tennessee accent about it.

He has a Tennessee accent and he has the haircut of Stewart from Mad TV.

Yes.

So the king's guard shows up.

So sorry, the king, you know, wakes up from his nightmare and he's like, hey, go get all of the wise men and the Chaldeans and the fucking magician and all of them.

Bring them to me.

I have this dream thing going on.

Right.

So the king's guard shows up where Daniel and the other wise men are and he's like pounding on the door.

He's like, hey, what do you want?

He's like, I'm going to kill you slowly.

And he's like, what?

He goes, the king had a bad dream that he needs interpreted.

It's such a weird threat because he's like, I cannot wait to peel the skin from your flesh.

And he's like, what?

And he's like, sorry, I should back up.

The king has a task that I think you won't be able to do.

And then when, when you fail,

I'm sorry.

I opened this weird.

I'm like,

I'm kind of freaking out right now because I feel like I started things weird.

Do you want to go back out and start again?

Okay, can I start again?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, you came in a little hot.

Smooth it out.

Hey, Daniel.

How's it going?

Shake it out.

I like how the king walks in and attempts to be threatening with.

If you want to know what was on his head, Google 1990s Jiffy Pop.

Because it was just a

bubble of foil on his head.

And then he appears, he's using the same kind of dull knife that Abraham was using.

Did you notice?

It's a different color, but it's like he walked in and threatened it with a garden tool.

He's like, you will come and interpret the king's dream, or I will make uneven rows in your pomegranate field.

So, yeah, so, but he's like, yeah, no, I can interpret the dream.

And so we, we watch Daniel thinking about the dream.

Now, the way this is visualized.

Yes.

So he's like standing there staring out a window and the upper right quadrant of the screen is showing us the dream again.

You mean he thinks?

He thinks in the movie?

In the movie, they think?

When people pray, do you think some of them are like, toodly do, toodly

trying to make it actually interesting?

Interesting, yeah.

Or somebody watching that movie going like, well, that's fucked up.

When I pray, I don't see stuff up in the upper left.

But Daniel totally credited God with all the heavy lifting, right?

He's like, Yeah, well, you know, I interpreted the thing, but God figured it out.

So, sorry, Noah, it was, I may have interpreted

the dream, but God has saw the meeting.

Right, yes, yes, right.

So, we cut to the king watching the least sexy belly dance of all time.

So, and but he's like clearly not into it.

Sorry, I really would love to enjoy your sexy belly dance, but um, like there's a new episode of Severance on Apple TV, and I'm kind of waiting for you to finish so I can watch this.

I just, I don't want to.

I think that scene, I may be wrong with the family in the alley, but I think that scene was the first time that a female character said a word in the entire movie.

Yeah.

And it was whispered and it was like unintelligible.

Like, okay, well, you're right.

We'll give you a line, but this is the Old Testament.

And so, you know, you're not allowed to have authority over men anyway.

So we're just going to make you mute and dress you in, you know, glittery things.

And then you go sit in a corner.

We didn't have the women's liberation of the book of Timothy yet at this point in history.

You have to pass the reverse Bechdel test.

Well, no, you only communicate about men to other men.

Right.

No, I'm thinking about it.

I think you're absolutely right.

There's this one woman who goes, Daniel's here.

And that probably is the first time.

Or no, Eve, Eve has spoken in the book.

Oh, that's right.

That's right.

Eve.

Yeah, I didn't want to spoil it, but there is Eve and and the night events that she is dancing about.

Right, yes, yes.

But damn near, enough that we had to scratch our heads about it.

Yeah.

So, but Daniel shows up, and so the king claps, everybody stops dancing, and the music stops, and everything.

I feel like that's a confusing signal.

What if he really was enjoying the dancing?

Right?

Yeah, they'd have to start again.

Every time he claps once, they stop, claps again, he starts again.

So, but Daniel explains the dream.

He goes, like, you know, the feet of clay.

He doesn't actually explain the dream, but he's like, you know, you get it.

You've read the Bible, right?

And then fucking Vincent Price shows up again to tell us what the rest of that scene would have looked like if Ron hadn't died before they finished filming it, I guess.

You guys get it.

Daniel did the thing, and Jesus was the rock.

And we did a thing where Larry crawled out of a big paper-biche rock dressed like Jesus, but we just didn't have the heart for it.

So, anyways, if you're wondering what the signs of the apocalypse will be, it's

disagreeing with me.

Yes, right.

Yeah.

yeah so just out of nowhere he's like well so yeah so the part that daniel missed is that the rock was jesus and i'm like well how the all-knowing god revealed the meaning to him in a state of trance or whatever how did he miss a part just god walking away from daniel patting his pockets oh did i forget to tell him that the rock is jesus

Oh, that's awesome.

So you got Nebuchadnezzar who requires someone to explain the dream.

And then you have the preacher who has to explain the explanation of Daniel who explained the dream.

Yes, right, right.

Really, a good, it's kind of a great metaphor for how the Bible has been transferred down

to the generations, right?

Yeah.

And then they realize that their prophecy still hasn't happened yet that they just named.

So he's like, wait, no, there's, there's also the fucking falling away thing.

We're not wrong yet.

We're not wrong.

Right, yes, we're not quite wrong.

Yeah.

The decay of society has to happen.

And they show us that for a second.

The decay is going to be disco and like ladies with credit cards buying.

Yep.

But isn't that like, doesn't that really tell you something about this all-knowing God that he's got this incredibly important message, right, about Jesus shaking things up and everything and be ready for that and the second coming and all that.

So the way he does it, he's like, you know what, I'm going to do is I'm going to give the king a dream and then I'm going to have the ninth person that tries to interpret it interpret it correctly.

I'm going to have that put into a book and then we'll have Vincent Price interpret that later for a movie in 1980.

Yeah, right.

That was God's fucking plan, apparently.

J.J.

Abrams is reading it like, it seems a little unclear.

And then, what if a ball rolls down a ramp and that lights a match and then that rope that falls, and then the mouse at the bottom gets the cage?

We had a shade of this recently.

I was co-hosting a show on the line, and we had somebody call up to do a riff on numerology, which is one of those things where they go through the Bible and they're like, okay, in every sixth chapter of the seventh verse of the 30th word of the 50th letter on a day with an R in it, if you stand on one leg, if you add it all up, then it comes to six, six, six, or

a seven number of some kind.

And that means something relevant.

And I'm like, what kind of a, what kind of a sadist

would essentially say, okay, eternity's in the balance.

So to keep from burning, here's what I want you to do.

You guys know Sudoku?

that actually spells out MAGA.

So that's how I vote.

All right, well, I'll tell you what.

Now that we've been reminded, Jesus is coming back for the 26th time in the film.

It's starting to kind of sink in.

So I need a minute to rethink things.

But first, let me give Act 3 the hard sell.

Do you know where you'd go if you died tonight?

Have you heard the good news about Jesus?

Do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior?

Find out the answers to these questions and more when when we return for the so much crazier than you are prepared for conclusion of the second coming.

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Well, no,

I'll be there somewhere, yeah.

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AA con, because you could spend your Easter hunting for community.

Aw, very nice.

Right?

Mitch.

Mitch.

Hey, Craig, what's up?

Did you hear?

Thousands of people are disappearing.

Oh, you mean like the rapture?

Oh, oh,

yeah.

I guess.

Must be the rapture then.

Yeah, it has to be.

Good point.

Hey, fellas, fellas, did you see that the rapture happened?

Right?

What are the chances?

I'll tell you this.

I am sure it's the rapture.

Why, sure.

Literally all media and aspects of society have been permeated by promises of the rapture.

Not understanding this was the rapture would be like not recognizing Mickey Mouse.

If Mickey Mouse spent billions of dollars a year telling people about himself.

Yeah, exactly.

Hey, fellas, did you hear about this mystery on the news?

Mystery?

Charlie, what are you talking about?

Now, apparently, there's a missing earring.

No, Charlie, people are disappearing.

So it's the rapture then.

Yep, the rapture.

Definitely the rapture.

And we're back for still more of this shit.

We're going to rejoin the action with Roger awaking to an alarm clock that Tom Curry would consider a little much.

Right.

Okay.

So at this point, I was like, what the fuck is happening with this movie?

And that's when I looked up and realized that Ron Ormond had died.

Now, I know what you're thinking.

I should have realized that when they dedicated the movie to him, but I didn't realize he died midway through making it.

So now the whole movie had a real, I'm going to make this last Jolly Rancher last for this car ride.

Five minutes.

Yes.

Yeah.

And when he died, was it like the death of the preacher on stage?

Did someone just come by and sort of brush their palm across his altar?

It's like, oh, fuck.

He patted him on the chest and was like, yep, dead.

Yep, it's not going to work for you.

Yeah.

I wonder if they filmed that afterwards as sort of a, I bet it was the Antichrist that got him kind of a thing.

Have you noticed that in the rapture movies and A Thief in the Night, that whole trilogy, or actually it's four films, they have Jesus.

arriving, the rapture happens, and all the believers disappear.

If you read the Bible, it is like a big deal.

You know, the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised incorruptible.

We shall be changed.

So the fanfare is going to be so grand, so global, so intense, so undeniable that it can be outdone by a desk alarm clock, right?

The trumpet of Christ's return doesn't wake him, but the buzzing of his alarm clock rouses him immediately.

Makes no sense.

Alexa, snooze the Jesus trumpet.

Well, and also like we get the hangover.

Like the sketch just talked about, we get the whole stupid, like, nobody seems to know about the rapture after it happens thing as well.

So, so he calls his mom to tell him he's too hungover to go to church with her.

And we, you know, we all had that moment of like, wow, did it really take that long to dial a rotary phone?

God, I forgot about that.

But while he's doing that, the news cuts into the radio and it's like, people everywhere have disappeared.

We don't know what happened yet, but we'll tell tell you later in the movie you know yeah and i know that you all just heard a sketch about this but i will never get over rapture movies where everybody doesn't know it's the fucking rapture

sometimes i walk in the room and call my wife's name twice and i'm like oh that was the fucking rapture

I like that the radio had excellent timing for explaining the rapture.

Like right after he gets up, alarm straight to a radio and they like break in and they're like, breaking news, rapture.

And then they say it again.

they're like right if you were if you're just joining us after my one sentence a second ago i'll say it again rapture if you are calling your mother and not really paying attention to the radio i should probably mention one more time it's like in all those movies when someone's like turn on your tv when something newsworthy happens in 300 channels they just happen to have it on i repeat yes yes the plot of the yeah yeah the premise So yeah, but he can't get his mom on the line and he's heard that a bunch of people are disappearing.

So he goes to check on his mom, right?

And we know right away that she's raptured because her tea kettle is squealing away, and that's one of the six items at Tony D's house of fucking rapture clichés,

right?

But Roger, the character, doesn't know it's a rapture movie, so he just resorts to breaking mom's window way too fast.

Instantly, mom could have been taking a shit, Roger.

Relax, even a piss

because it's just like knock, knock, knock, ma, ma breaks the fucking window.

I don't think he gave her a second ma.

I think it was a one-ma situation.

I think she was out front looking in a bewildered way at the sky.

And here's why I say that, because there is in Christian tradition this notion that when Jesus returns, he will return from the east.

And it's rooted in a scripture about, I forget exactly what the scripture says, but Christian tradition is so married to this that if you go to a cemetery where you see Christians are buried, the plots are facing east.

The head must face east because when Jesus arrives, apparently, like

he's going to arrive so he can be seen in the east.

And I've just never understood this.

Okay, so you're a Christian in, I don't know, New York City.

Does that mean Jesus is going to drop down what?

Over the North Atlantic?

If he descends on Israel, then what?

The people at Riyadh, they can't turn around and look west, so they're totally hosed.

You know, I just don't know.

Jesus comes down and he only does like 180-degree pans.

He's like, well, I'll just leave everybody else.

And if they face the heads east, those people can only see west.

It's like laying in bed.

You wouldn't put your TV behind your head.

You'd put it in front of your head.

I don't know.

It's something about how if they were to rise up, they would be looking east.

Okay.

This happened at my own grandmother's funeral digression.

They had an outdoor service and they had her positioned out there and her casket was there.

And my mother, my religious mother was like agitated.

She's like, oh my God, it's something.

I'm like, Well, what's wrong?

She's facing the wrong way.

And so, I'd never heard of this thing before.

So, I'm like, What are you talking about?

Well, she has to be facing the east.

And I'm, I just don't get Jesus comes back and he doesn't see grandma facing east and just says, Fuck it.

And he just leaves.

I don't understand this at all.

So, I think I get it.

Okay.

So, it's not about because Jesus is going to take her one way or the other, but imagine that you're the only one in the elevator facing backwards.

It's going to be embarrassing.

Yeah, That's a power move that I do.

I like to pace the back of the elevator and go, not today, not today.

I'll tell you, people let you out first, no matter what floor you're going to.

Oh, interesting.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So he breaks into mom's house.

He's looking, she's got the radio on again.

It comes on at exactly the right time one more time, right?

And it comes in and it goes like, more news on the disappearances.

The president is meeting with the joint chiefs of staff.

And a bunch of preachers.

If you just broke into your mom's house and walked into a room where there's a radio on, good luck to you.

Right.

Here's the news.

Well, and then he picks up, I guess it's not a Bible, right?

Because it has to talk clearly about the rapture, and the Bible doesn't do that at any point.

So he finds this little tiny book, right?

And he starts absently leaping through it.

And he goes, oh,

this is a book about the rapture.

How convenient.

Have you noticed how freaked out everybody is about the rapture?

I mean, this is something Christians are supposed to be looking forward to.

Come, Lord Jesus, please take me away.

Heaven's going to be an amazing place where I have mansions and streets of gold.

I'll get to be reunited with grandma, my best friend, and the family dog.

And I cannot wait for Jesus.

And then all of a sudden, a sign of the imminent return of Christ comes along or the rapture.

And they're like, they lose their minds.

Every time, yep.

This should be parties.

So which is it?

Are you excited about the end of this physical realm or are you terrified of this physical realm coming to an end?

Is there any chance that a bunch of you are liars and you're not actually found out?

Yeah, right.

You guys seem really sad at funerals, which doesn't make sense either.

Also, have you noticed on the radio when they were saying that the president and the joint chiefs of staff will be meeting to discuss this?

And I'm like, I'm sorry.

Why in all of these films are the president and the joint chiefs of staff not raptured because they're apparently not Christians?

Can you name one American president who was not identified, at least publicly, as a Christian in some way?

So is the implication that they were all secret atheists and just being politicians in their religion?

Jimmy Carter, that evil atheist,

that was the guy at the time.

Also, weird that he's going to bring in the Navy on this.

He's like, wow, a lot of people disappeared.

I wonder what the Navy thinks of this.

I don't understand that.

But this is,

of course, where we get the money shot.

of the film, right?

Because Roger sits down on the end of the bed and he looks right at the camera and he says these exact words.

I shit you not.

My mother was right.

Yeah, she sure was.

It's funny you wrote that that's the money shot because I wrote in my notes, that's the closest Christians are going to get to officially porn.

You're right.

Yeah, exactly.

Exactly.

As we learned with Fireproof with Kirk Cameron.

It was mean to do an atheist podcast making fun of Ron Orman's movies at any time ever.

That's what I'm saying now.

That's what I've learned.

Yeah, right.

So, but then the narrator takes us to this fucking cemetery to kick off a little rapture montage.

And this is where we get to see what Seth was talking about, the people having to be spring-loaded to the east.

We see shit.

You know, we see a grave just explode and we're like, I'm listening, Ron.

Karen, buried in a Pez dispenser, immediately sprung to meet God in the air.

It's fucking phenomenal.

I was looking at this grave and I was like, is there about to be a person on this grave?

In my wildest dreams, I did not believe we were going to watch someone explode out of that grave

with a candy crush sound effect.

Yes, right.

Seems like a nose for ratu kind of thing just goes boing into a vertical position.

Well, and then we've got like, yeah, right, no, it's like somebody stepped on a rake, but a human being.

And then we have, we have this little montage of different people like, you know, where the, where the dad gets raptured at the farm, and the son doesn't, and the husband doesn't get raptured, but the wife does.

And every time somebody gets raptured, they do do it to the sound effect of Link finding a secret room,

right?

I don't know what that is.

Now I gotta go look it up.

Did somebody perform it for a while?

Oh, Mr.

Flash Gordon reference doesn't get your Zelda joke, Noah.

Yeah, not quite as relevant as the Jiffy Pop of the 1990s.

I have failed you, Gunnar.

I have failed you, my son.

What's it sound like?

What's it?

Yeah.

He had that in the fucking chamber.

No, it was real.

Yeah, you asked me what a Legend of Zelda sound effect sounds like.

Okay, come on.

So then we get the evening news.

I love this fucking evening news report so goddamn much because this is the, you know, the rapture has happened.

The anti-craze is taken over, and we're about to do the 666 thing.

Right.

And so the evening news guy comes up and he goes, everyone will have to be labeled every man, woman, and child.

Sources say this comes directly from World Headquarters.

And we're like, World Headquarters of what?

The evil

UN.

I love the fact that when he shows his own 666 stamp on his hand, it looks like he just got stamped for admission at the trampoline park.

Right.

Yeah.

He's like, My hour started at 11:20.

I've got 15 more minutes.

You're not kicking me out of here.

That's exactly what I was thinking when I saw his wrist.

Yeah.

And the news guy says it's the edict is it has to be electronically labeled on your your right hand or your forehead First of all, who the fuck's choosing forehead?

That's insane.

Right.

That would be weird electronically labeled like this is 1980 like you would get like an Atari 2600 smashed into your forehead like what technology do they think they're using there?

I love computers in 1980s movies.

Have you noticed that all it takes is like 10 seconds for them to do exactly what you want them to do?

Right, yeah.

All you have to do is it's like, was it Star Trek IV?

scotty sitting there in a mac and he just like immediately starts typing and within 30 seconds oh look transparent aluminum like those computers in the 80s will do what all you have to do is just type in please make a number of the beast boom right immediately

i hated that scene so much because why would he be good at typing right it makes no he's been able to talk to his computer and he's typing like a super fucking typist like why would being from the future make you fast at typing that's so dumb

Also, everyone's going to scan like the same bank account number.

It's all

the same number.

There needs to be a fucking QR code or something.

You can't just scan all the same ones.

I feel so stupid that I've never thought of that in my life.

Like, I got barcodes because there was during the satanic panic, there was a claim that barcodes were actually the numbers of the beast and computers were tied into the end times and all that.

Well, I mean, like one of the 10 digits was a six.

If everybody's everybody's six six six i mean we're definitely all drawing from the same well aren't we financially yeah well yeah what if i were to tell you about a little ponzi scheme known as the federal reserve okay all right all right hear me out and why is this reporter immediately in agreement with the whole thing too he's he's just like excited about it well because he works for the deep state oh okay okay right he's what scared yeah scared the illuminati got to him we shouldn't have called the antichrist a rapist.

That's our fault.

He did get convicted of a thing that is that word.

Ew.

Okay, I'm friends.

Sorry.

So, okay.

So then we cut to Roger and he's in line to get his tattoo.

So we see like their idea.

We see 1980s idea of a futuristic tattoo machine.

So

it might as well be a Gravitron, right?

I was wondering if somebody was going to play Loadrunner on one of the monitors.

That's how old it all looked.

It's a sweet game.

I also they mentioned it earlier we don't get to see anyone take it but they mentioned that the choice is hand or forehead and i just i really want a one-on-one interview with the guy who chooses forehead it's just like you know sometimes i got my hands in my pockets

okay it's a lot easier

so like but when you want to like boop it at the store you're gonna headbut the little thingy or little bow little bow you're gonna headbow

okay

hell of a time getting that under the passport scanner at the airport right that is that is really good.

And I hate self-checkout at the grocery store.

Let me tell you, I got to get my squeeze myself under that little thing.

Gets me right in the cum gutters.

So, but,

but okay, so, but, but Roger decides at the last minute that he can't do it, right?

Because he's been reading about this rapture.

So he jumps out of line.

And then we have this scene where he's at a, he's at like a greasy spoon.

He's ordering, I try to order a hamburger, and they're like, but you ain't got the mock.

No mock, no boyga for you.

I'm so sorry, Noah.

I know this film is only 15 minutes, and we are so close to the end.

You can taste it.

I can taste it, but I do need to talk about how this order is taken.

The man at the counter says, what for you?

And you see the actor who plays Roger go like, we're obviously taking.

No, oh, we're not taking that again.

All right.

What for you it is then?

A hamburger is what I would be for.

He goes, a hamburger medium.

And I'm like, I think in that place, you get the hamburger, how he cooks the hamburger, bro.

I don't think this guy has a meat thermometer back there.

And if he does, he doesn't use it for the meat.

So, yeah, so he leaves.

He's like, no hamburger for you.

He goes, okay, I don't want to start a problem.

So he goes outside, but a couple of atheist heavies are out there ready to beat him up for not having his mark of the beast.

Atheist hooligans, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, this, I love this scene.

Our protagonist, TJ hookered the hell out of this thing.

I swear.

It was just, I mean, it was absolute 80s action gold.

Yeah, it was.

It's like you've got that

in the background, and obviously the trumpets going on.

And he's, you know, and one of the baddies, I think, was wearing the obligatory leather jacket, if I recall.

And, of course, had the obligatory switchblade to pull out halfway through the fight.

I feel like you start with the switchblade,

you're going to be fine.

But no, halfway through the fight, he's like, also, switchblade.

That switchblade's not going to do anything against that shatner that william shatner move that that the guy did at the end with the double fist he just kind of spun around and sent him off into the wall now yeah no switchblade can master that no no they wouldn't figure that out for another 10 years at least so but roger wins the fight and he runs off and he like hides under a bridge where he turns to god and he's like lord you got to help me and lord's like

Should have thought about that before the rapture, Roger.

What's that about, though?

I mean, I don't mean to jump in again, but I'm sorry.

He, he, he runs, what, a distance of maybe a hundred yards, and he's running at the speed of litigation.

Okay.

And all, and then he just stops and decides, you know, this should be a great time to do some reading.

Yes.

And he just sits down and starts reading.

I don't understand this.

Yeah.

And the atheist researchers are like, he's gone.

Where'd he go?

He's

magically under a bridge, disappeared.

And he pulls out the book again.

So he's like, just now finally reading the answer key about the rapture in this book he had.

Right.

And he reads some more.

And he's reading like the details of the prophecies.

And every detail, it appears, is somehow playing out exactly like it says in the book right next to him there under the bridge.

He's like looking around and it's happening.

It's amazing, too, because just in case you don't follow along with what he's doing, he says out loud as he opens the book, my mom used to tell me to read Revelation.

That's the exact fucking line in the movie.

And then he's like, all the trees and grass will burn up.

Check.

And I'm like, did that happen off screen somewhere?

And they're like, no, see, here's a fire.

And he's the whole time he's sitting there, of course, the drama is, I wonder if he'll be discovered.

Now we're talking about a Caucasian sitting under a bright streetlight, wearing a white t-shirt.

This guy could have been seen from space, right?

From space.

But no,

he's got plenty of time to read Revelation and sure is sorry about rejecting Jesus for all those years, right?

We get a locust tease here, right?

It's because they're going through all the things.

It's like they'll be in the pit.

And I was like, oh, I know it comes out of the pit.

And they're like, the locusts come out of the pit.

And I was like, oh my God,

but they don't.

No, they don't give a shit.

Ron was dead.

I was furious.

Me too.

Thank you.

Instead, holding you in the light.

The clown car Zamboni of Jesus cops rolls up again, right?

And Helmet shows up and he turns to the main character and he goes, at last we meet, Mr.

Morgan.

And we're like, what?

Are you just, you're just excited to finally meet the main character?

Hold on, let me pick my thing.

My thing's broken.

Let me put up the thing.

Fuck.

Ellie, I laughed at me.

Mr.

Morgan.

Fuck.

Was the implication that the hero was on a list?

How would they know who he was?

I don't know.

I know.

I wasn't making a connection at all.

I was like, this seems awfully very familiar conversation considering that you just turned a corner

down the road, right?

Right.

Like, there's a very like Ron Ormond had some other ideas in mind of these two characters knowing who they were, kind of the thing going on.

But then Roger

punches him in the helmet.

Like, chat, you dumb

anywhere else, man.

Hurt me.

Hurt myself.

He punches him in the helmet, and somehow I think punching helmet in the helmet knocks him unconscious.

Knocks himself out.

Yes.

They actually do a cleanup shot of this later in the movie where they show someone knocking him out with the gun.

Like someone was like, crack, I found that reel where the guy knocks him out and he's not his helmet.

Should we just put this wherever the fuck we feel like it later in the movie?

Why would you go for the unarmed guy in the helmet when the dude next to him apparently was carrying what looked like a submachine gun or whatever?

Why not take him out first?

Right.

And he doesn't have a helmet.

Do the big Shatner punch.

Come on.

Yeah, obviously.

So, okay, but then Roger wakes up in a dungeon and all of us are just like, our notes are all just question marks from this point on, right?

Because suddenly there are oompa loompas.

There's a dude who's painted green

here.

Yeah.

There's the mud farmer from Monty Python Holy Grail.

Yep.

Yep.

This is like when we're at a live event and someone asks one of you two about the podcastiverse.

They're like, so wait, I don't understand.

The Wool Dasher Mizzel knows Manscaped?

Man, what do you guys have to do?

You gotta ask.

You gotta ask the schizophrenic Jude, man.

We're just doing a podcast.

It's so fucking weird.

So there's a guy who like looks like,

you know, if you were trying to do a horror version of Alice in Wonderland that was also a porn, this character would judge her at some point.

Yeah.

Well, the whole thing was like one of those Christian hell houses.

And if you don't know what hell houses are to the listeners, these are Christian versions or church versions of haunted houses that they will do in the month of October, except that all of the stuff that you're supposed to be seeing is real.

And they have this obligatory, like fake cave that's usually made out of garbage bags and spackle.

And they throw people in red robes and there's a red and brown floodlight.

And then they've always got somebody in bad makeup who does the obligatory obligatory devil voice where they're like what should be done with the one who refused the mark

that's exactly what that scene did for me i just thought oh my god i just went back in time yeah to all of the hellhouses we went through that's exactly what it is they did this is all the leftover from the hellhouse yeah made it into the movie this is it's just like a debanking hearing like uh marken gason

i heard that actually did happen i've been listening to the joe rogan the no rogan experience well yeah right right yeah

so but then if this is I guess his trial right they're like we charge you with not having a tattoo on your face and I'm like well pretty easy to find him guilty of not having a tattoo on his face I guess and they do right away and they sentence him to death via best best weapon ever yeah this is almost my best words this is so good yeah this was it would look like something that Mario would have to run through right by the way oh Seth Mario is a character that runs off

Stop talking.

He's an Italian, you see, Seth.

He's an Italian.

He's like something Loadrunner would have to do.

Is that it?

So, yeah, so, but they have a swinging guillotine that slowly drops a little bit at a time towards your neck.

But it's a pendulum.

It's not going to actually cut your head off.

It's just going to slice it a little bit.

Yeah, it's just like a mezzaluna thing.

Yeah, right.

Cutter thing.

But it's not even on like a normal like analog slow dipping device.

It's like a ratchet thing.

So it just goes down like a click and it's like, nope, still not hitting his neck.

Okay, one more click down.

Nope.

Now it's really close, I guess.

Three, two.

Okay, now we got it.

And then cut his head off.

Somebody climbed to the top and hand-painted 666 on the wood.

Like, oh, it's not deadly

until we decorate it.

Guys, what have I told you about branding the guillotines?

The whole, I'm looking at this thing going, all right, Jesus, how many moving parts are the just use Abraham's butter knife because I think it will be more efficient than what you're doing here.

Oh, my God.

So, yeah, so they had, they do that.

And then, of course, he wakes up.

It was all a dream.

Because fuck, you know what I'm saying?

He does the sitting straight up thing.

If you're just joining us on the radio, it was all a dream.

Don't worry about it.

There's a reason, by the way, that Christian apocalypse films are so focused on beheading.

First of all, I think there's kind of a gore porn aspect to this.

I think there's a lot of the, I think I mentioned this earlier, a lot of the apocalyptic preachers, I think this is their way of talking about the shit that they really get off on, but then they say, well, it's not my idea, but they really enjoy the sort of the dark side.

But if you get into Revelation 20, it says, and I saw thrones and they sat on them and judgment was committed.

I saw the souls of those who had been beheaded for their witness to Jesus.

And I think this is one of the reasons that we see axes and knives and guillotines and all these, you know, sort of pit in the pendulum type contraptions to behead.

I'm not sure why believers have to be beheaded, like it makes them more dead or something, but that's where that comes from.

Also, a lot of people assume that 666 is actually in the Bible.

And if you want some real fun, try to watch any explanation from any apologist on why it's going to maybe be be 666.

Well, it's the number of man who was created on the sixth day, or it's Satan's mockery of the Trinity.

So he doubled three, or it's a triangle, and what?

And that has scary, pointy ends.

And if you have two triangles, that's 666.

You know how when you're making fun of something and you fucking double it right in their face?

It's like that.

That is insane.

What?

I thought it was in the Bible.

I assumed.

I've read it and I just assumed I missed it.

It is insane.

666 is no, it's just they just have to like make sure it up.

No, it says it says like 600.

There's a reference, I think, in 1 Kings about Solomon.

He had 666 talents of gold.

The number, I believe, is in there.

Oh, wow.

But there's it when it talks about the number of the beast, as I understand, there's not actually a direct link.

So, what happens is a lot of these seminary types get together and they start doing this game of Twister where they're like, you know, the beast as described in Revelation is sometimes described in Greek symbolism with the symbol Chi-Shi stigma, which represents the value, which may have been 666.

It's crazy.

It's so stupid.

So in our movie, our character's woken up.

Now he's realized that the revelation or that the rapture hasn't happened, right?

So he calls his mom, you know, just to make sure, just to doubly check, but there's no answer.

So he rushes to church just in time, I guess.

He storms and everybody stops church.

It's like the record needle scratches in the sermon or whatever.

And they're like, Roger, what's the matter?

He's like, looking for my mother at the church.

I guess I could have just come in quietly to do that now that I think about it.

He's just joining us.

Your mom's taking a shit.

She'll be right out.

I really wanted him to smash the window of the church.

Sorry, I know.

I said church twice.

You want proof that this was staged, though?

If anybody's been in a Baptist church, the first two rows were occupied in the film.

In real life, no Baptist ever sits on the front two rows.

I don't know why.

Maybe it's for deacons or they just want to to sit back.

They don't want to get the stare from some Byron Brimstone.

They don't want shamoo to splash them.

You don't be like one of those nerd Methodists that sit in the front, right?

They have this guy, they actually find a seat for our hero and they put him next to this creepy 70-year-old woman who can't stop staring at him.

And I thought, you know, I'm thinking to myself,

she's rubbing on this guy going, you know, I'd like to get the number to his beast.

That's exactly what I was thinking in my mind.

So, and then the preacher is like, excuse me, I was doing a, I was preaching.

Could everybody look at me?

He actually says that.

He's like, everybody look at me now again.

Please clap.

Yeah, right, right.

He starts preaching again.

And all my notes at this point are just like, oh, my God, how did you people sit through this shit awake?

Right.

Like, how in the hell did you make it through week after week of this shit?

without falling asleep visibly.

Right.

But so he's preaching.

And apparently Ron Ormond thinks the same thing, right?

He's like, guys, this is fucking boring.

Let's flash back to earlier parts of the movie so that the audience can go, oh, wait, yeah, what was the point of the bus crash?

What was the point?

I don't know.

We never learned it.

We never learned it.

Why did we introduce Dimitri?

What was that all about?

Right?

Yeah, wasn't he supposed to become like the head of the UN or something like that in most of these movies?

Eventually, yeah.

Was that part of the dream?

Why would he dream about that part?

He wasn't in it.

Of course, we would link a car accident on a dirt road to a one-world government and the Antichrist takeover of the entire planet.

I was not

tracking.

We can all extrapolate that.

They don't need to spell it.

That's a good point.

It's good writing.

Well, but so also, you know, and the thing is, of course, obviously the bus crash was included because they'd already filmed that and they needed to use everything they could to get to that sweet 56-minute runtime.

But they also needed to include this fucking montage, right?

Of remember the movie.

So we see a bunch of sayings of that.

And then we cut back to the preacher for a second.

He's like, it's like there will be a war between good and evil.

And they're like, oh, yeah, no, that's another way we can run time.

How about three minutes of public domain war footage?

It's so weird because what we hear in the sermon is there's going to be this epic war between God and the one world globalist evil army or whatever.

And then we see Vietnam stock footage.

They cut to a war that had finished five years earlier.

There will be wars that are already over.

Any minute now?

And why would the United Nations be attacking God with like regular weapons in Vietnam?

None of it makes any sense.

Right.

Who's yes?

I think it's like those old Tarzan movies.

You know, they'll show some actor and he's swinging on an obvious indoor set on the fake vine.

And all of a sudden, to give an era of an air of authenticity, they just cut away to some stock clip of a National Geographic clip of a cheetah running out on the savanna.

It's awesome.

Yeah, so we watch these war shots for so long and eventually we resolve on this radio operator and he's yelling for help and he turns over one of the many dead bodies around him and it's Roger with ketchup on his face.

Was the implication that he was himself a soldier at some point originally?

Maybe he was having a flash to the future during the war against Jesus, Satan, which happened in Cambodia.

Yeah, right, right, yeah.

Which will apparently involve rocket-fired grenades.

I'm very excited for that part of the Holy War.

Sword mouth.

Jesus is going to have a hard fucking time.

RPGs are going to be.

He'll just knock him back.

He'll hit him back with his fucking sword.

Yeah.

With his pickleball partner, Heath.

And right.

That's right, everybody.

So, but after having, you know, thought about both of those montages back to back, of course, Roger realizes it's time to give his life over to Christ.

So he takes a knee right in the middle of the dude's sermon, I guess, right?

And he has a personal moment with Jesus.

We see Jesus marching into battle on his horse with all his angels.

Okay, this was excellent because we see that for a second.

And then we get another clip from Vietnam there.

So, like, theoretically, Jesus and a squad of angels appear in the sky magically, astride beautiful white horses.

And then one guy from the fucking United Nations Army shoots a bazooka at him.

He's like, dude, what are you doing?

I don't know.

They couldn't handle chariots of iron last time.

I want to see him a bazooka.

God damn it, man.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

So, yeah, so, but yeah, Jesus stops the war mid-explosion.

We actually see like some explosions just freeze frame, and they're like, oh, it was Jesus who did that.

And then Roger weepily apologizes to Jesus for not being Christian yet.

He says through his tears, he goes, I don't want to die and go to hell.

So his only stated motivation is fear, right?

And then the movie winks at us.

It's like, you probably don't want to die and go to hell either.

The end.

The end.

And we get like Tim Green's contact if he gives us his fucking LinkedIn.

He's like, huh, pretty good movie, huh?

I'm still alive somehow.

But that's it.

So if you're not convinced, you won't be convinced.

And Seth, thank you so much for letting us dredge up your old trauma for our entertainment.

Oh, dude, it's always so good to hang out with you guys.

I learned a couple of new phrases that I will be never, ever using in everyday conversation today.

Or Googling.

In fact, I'm going to erase them from memory if at all possible.

And definitely don't go to SethAndrewscumgutters.com.

Okay, whatever you do.

Stop it.

Don't say it.

I swear to you.

You guys.

No,

what a real thrill to be able to hang out with you lovely people.

And thanks, Fred.

And honestly, this is fun for me.

You know, Christian media is its own animal.

And the Christian media of that era, mid to late 20th century stuff, is just so ripe for parody.

And it's a great sort of a microscope into what drove fundamentalism in that time.

As, you know, Noah mentioned it.

A lot of it was about fear.

These days, you get a lot of the Joel Osteen happy-clappy Jesus would never send anybody to hell or judge gay people or that kind of thing, this sort of Christianity light.

But this speaks to what happens if you read the freaking Bible literally and preach it literally, which was so common during the satanic panic.

And 1980 was right there when Michelle Remembers came out.

A lot of the satanic type stuff.

Everything's the end times.

Everything's a sign.

So to be able to go back and look at this stuff, it really does sort of peel back the layers and expose it for what it is.

And I think that's a lot of fun sometimes.

So thanks for letting me play along.

It's more fun when you're not living through the Satanic Panic 2.0, but yeah, it was a fun trip down memory lane.

And thank you for telling us about the car.

Is that the name of it?

1977?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, it's it.

I can't remember if it was a made-for-TV film or if it was an actual theater release.

It is so 70s.

It is so 70s, but the car itself is awesome.

It is awesome.

And it's, I think the whole film is on YouTube.

But if you want to see just the creme de la creme of the movie, the scene that defines it, type in 1977, the car cemetery scene, and you will see the power of God preventing a Lincoln Continental from driving over

heroes.

That might text.

That sounds like a Christian movie.

Yes, right.

That we could do that one.

All right.

Well, you should do that.

Each was sold at the car.

Yeah, right.

If you do the car, you send me that link.

I'm Googling right now.

It auto-completed to cemetery scene cum gutters, but like, I'll see you next time.

That's just because we're on the same computer thing.

algorithm is wrong depending on what websites eli doesn't make we'll try to get you back on if we ever do the car there's a very intense wrestling match happening over my mouth right now

and a quick reminder that if you'd like to hear more from seth's silky soft voice be sure to check the show notes for a link to the thinking atheist and true stories with seth andrews if you want that voice in more bite-sized chunks Seth, thank you so much.

And of course, that's going to do it for our review of the second coming, but that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to come again.

So Eli, tell us what's on deck

in a film that explores a model for health that works in symbiosis with nature to remote wellness healing damn it free of a corrupt and flawed medical paradigm we'll be watching terrain it's like rfk jr is assigning us these ones now okay so with that to look forward to we're going to bring episode 501 to a merciful close once again a huge thanks to seth for suffering alongside us this week and a perhaps even huger thanks to all the patreon donors that helped make the show go if you'd like to have yourself among their ranks but you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com/slash godawful and thereby earn early access to an ad-free version of every episode.

You can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms.

And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, The Scathing Adias, Citation Aid, DD Minis, and The Skeptic, available wherever podcasts live.

If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email GodAwfulMovies at gmail.com.

Tim Robertson takes care of our social media.

Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnick, and Beavole Drafts on Mars.

All the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morgan Kirk, and was used with permission.

Thanks again for giving us a check of life this week for Heath Enright, Neil LeBosnick.

I'm No Illusions, promising to work hard to earn another check next week.

Until then, we'll leave you with the breakfast club close.

Jesus went out to get a pack of cigarettes.

Still

weighed down.

Commander Helmet continued to be way worse at catching Christians at night than he was during the day.

Ron Ormond went on to be sorely missed.

And I don't know if you've seen the highlighted intro that I've got here for you.

I hope there's nothing in there that you object to, none of your books that you've disowned or anything.

Okay.

I don't care.

It makes no difference.

I've got a couple that I've been like, you know, I was just like, don't, don't read.

Yeah, I don't care.

I don't care.

The only thing is, is when somebody introduces me as the thinking atheist, I'm always like, Jesus Christ, I'm the guy that took 30 years to figure out donkeys can't speak Hebrew when you're calling me the thinking atheist.

Just stop it, you know.

Just stop.

Yeah.

Gotcha.

All right, here we go.

But of course, they catch him and the mole people slit his throat with a slowly lowering torture brain.

Did you mean wrong or brave?

One more time, Eli.

You got this.

You gotta have a mild stroke because somebody needs to call somebody.

Do you want to swallow your eight pieces of gum and do it one more time?

Never

getting this world record, damn it.

Mitch, Mitch,

Mitch.

I hit the

button.

Give me that.

Eli, did you say you've gone red?

How dare you?

We say gone red sometimes, Seth.

We say gone red.

It's bad enough that you guys leave me hanging, but now you gaslight me in front of Seth.

This is a weird lie.

All right.

So

all you need to know there, Seth, is it's an inside joke, but it was a good one.

It was a fun one.

Gaslighting.

They're not sedimentary layers.

It's no, you know what?

I was going to say something crude, and I thought, I don't think I can get away with it.

Sorry, my fault.

No worries.

Do you want to tell me?

They're called cum gutters.

I was going to do it, but I talked to myself about it.

Go ahead.

What's that like to not say a thing?

Yeah, right, right, yeah.

Once in your whole life ever.

This content is can-credentialed, which means you can report instances of of harassment, abuse, or other harm at their hotline at 617-249-4255 or on their website at creatoraccountability network.org.

The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and the Thunderstorm LLC, Copyright 2025, all rights reserved.

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