500: Devil's Knight

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And the greatest tracker in all the world is trying to track down the monster, so they have him see like a whole damn tree snapped in half.

He's like, oh, I might have gone through it off hand.

And then it's torn off fucking hand.

I'm like, do any of the clues not have a yellow goddamn arrow above them?

The hand might as well be pointing in the direction of the bone bevel.

I wanted him to like, because often, and this this is what they do in this, they'll grab a bit of blood and they'll smell the blood and then they'll taste it.

I was hoping he was going to lick the end of the hand just to be like, okay, is this what this is a hand?

God awful

movie.

Movie.

Movies.

Welcome back to the Gamcast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian Cinema because we don't know that the tides will still work if we don't.

I'm your host, No Illusions.

Heath is off this week, and he's really going to regret it.

But sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnick.

Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir?

Episode 500, No Illusions.

5 fucking hundred of these we've done.

And to help us celebrate that, we're excited to welcome back the absolute perfect goddamn guest for this fucking movie.

He's the co-host of Cognitive Dissonance, The No Rogan Experience, and Citation Needed.

And his name is Cecil Cicerello.

That's right.

He's graduated to last named him.

Cecil, welcome back.

Thanks for having me for your 500th episode.

Congratulations, guys.

That's awesome.

Thanks.

Thank you.

So tell us, Cecil, what amazing nugget of cinema mastery would we be breaking down today?

I say it.

I say it.

And when I say the name, it gets caught in my throat.

It is so amazing.

It is Devil's Night, and that is with a K, and it also is with a Kevin Sorbo.

Yeah, the K Sorbo, the K stands for K Sorbo.

We have two K's, and the third one is just implied.

Yes.

So Eli,

how bad was this movie?

Well, if you love the cinematic mastery of movies like Season of the Witch, but you wish they weren't so well acted and written and lit and shy,

you will love this movie.

It's if Season of the Witch had the production values it deserved the movie.

Right, yes.

No, I can't believe you left out and costumed.

That was the worst

anything that they did.

Nowhere did this movie go more hilariously wrong than in the costuming.

So, and you know, let me just say up front, and I know we've already kind of heavily hinted at this, but this one is good, bad.

This is a gather your friends together, pop some popcorn, roll a joint, and make a night of it, bed.

There is not a frame of this fucking movie that I didn't delight in.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

And like a lot of the time when we watch movies, we have to be careful about recommending them because we'd be giving the money to directly evil people.

But I will personally bankroll Devil's Night 2 myself.

Yes.

I've done the calculations in pizza and armor shine.

Yeah, man.

It's nothing.

It's like one afternoon at a spirit Halloween.

Yeah, it's the money that I had back.

I got the change back over when I left the UK.

We could fund it with the change that I still have.

So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best of being the worst at?

I want to nominate it for best worst blood packs.

So

in this movie,

like most movies, when they do a blood pack, they kind of get away from the camera a little.

Cause if you want to do a sort of quick and dirty blood pack, they just sort of put the blood pack on the skin and then they pretend to cut somebody and then the blood shoots out and it sort of just ejects out of the body.

In this, they, someone to cover it, they put a blood pack on somebody and then someone chews like a whole bag of flesh-colored big league chew.

Yes, it's a break.

And then they press it over.

It's like bubblegum covered.

It looks so ridiculous.

And they are as, like, I'm not kidding.

There are blood packs that are like as big as your fist on people's necks.

They look like giants.

And they just explode.

And it is the worst blood work you've ever seen in a movie, but it's so amazing.

Well, Ed, they're all like in extreme close-up, right?

So just get right up on that neck.

It's right.

Just move the camera over a couple of degrees and you'll miss it completely.

But like, nope,

I want to film this blood pack in all its glory.

Yeah, well, it's nice because the movie also becomes a what not to do makeup tutorial at the same time.

Two birds, one stone, and all that.

For more reasons than just that.

So I was going to, there are so many best worsts that I changed out.

I just kept scrolling to the top of the notes and going, no, actually, it's best worst this.

And honestly, like, it is genuinely best worst accents, but I'm not going to do that because we've done that so many times before.

This one is the worst, though.

It's the best worst that we've ever seen.

And I know what a huge statement that is.

But what I'm going to go with, what I ultimately settled on, is best worst: cowardly heroes.

Sure.

That's so amazingly true.

Because the movie is obviously written by a coward who doesn't realize it.

And it's like, why don't people just run away when the monster shows up for the town?

I don't even know anyone in that town.

I know.

God is going to say, fuck those people.

Shut the door on your way out.

What the hell?

Amazing.

I'm going to go with the thing I found the most mystifying, which is best, best matching scars.

It's, yeah, yeah.

I don't know.

Every single person in this movie has an identical matching scar on their cheek.

Like it's the exact same two cuts.

To the point that I was like, did they cut a scene where they explained that in order to get into this monster hunting party, you have to cut this X into your cheek?

Like,

it's baffling to me.

Truly.

Well, and it's not quite all of them, so it can't be that, right?

Like, that would make fucking claims.

What absolutely happened is that more than one person showed up with the cool X scar from Spirit Halloween, and there was a big fucking fight about who got to keep it.

And finally, they were like, well, maybe a lot of people got.

sliced twice in the same spot.

In that spot, yeah.

Fucking right angles angles from each other.

You know, what's interesting, though, is that Rob Schneider missed the sale at Spirit Halloween, and so he had to get it on his ribs.

So, if you look, there is one on Rob Schneider

on his body, yeah, it's on his body, not on the rest of it.

So, he's one of the people who has it.

It just they happened to miss his face and put it on his body.

Yeah, they, I think they bought like a scar pack in bulk, but they thought they were going to get a bunch of them, and instead they got like 144 of the exact scars.

experts the scar yeah absolutely yeah

all right well we have waited too long for this one so we're gonna keep the break brief and when we come back we'll dive into all the random assortment of shitty accents that is devil's konite

okay what about sword quarterly keep it okay what about sword annual totally different coverage keep that one too man hey guys what you doing

i'm trying to help cecil cut down his subscription costs but it's proving a little difficult.

The sword world moves fast, Eli.

Guys, if you want to take care of your subscriptions without the hassle, why don't you just try Rocket Money?

What?

What's

Rocket Money?

Really, Cecil, on episode 500?

It's not my episode 500.

We are a family.

We deeply are not a family.

Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings.

But Noah, does it actually work?

It sure does.

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All right, Noah, I'm sold.

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Go to rocketmoney.com/slash awful movies today.

That's rocketmoney.com/slash awful movies.

Rocketmoney.com/slash awful movies.

All right, Noah, thanks.

Okay, how about sword biannual and leave myself with an incomplete set?

I'd literally literally rather die.

Okay.

Okay, well, are you making your own leather straps?

Dude, of course.

Yes.

Okay, oh, I just, I got to ask.

Guys, guys, guys.

What's up, Chris?

Yeah, I haven't seen you this excited since the Metropolitan Museum rotated their sword collection.

It was cool.

Well, this might be even better.

Whoa, hold on.

What is it?

So, you know how I've been saying we should take all the sweet sword choreography we come up with at the Ren Fair and make it into a movie?

You do always say that, yeah.

Well, it turns out that Kevin Sorbo and Eric Roberts are going to be at the fair this weekend.

And Kevin said that since he's going to walk Eric to his car and blow into his DUI thing for him, anyways, if we could shoot all the scenes with him in it in the time it takes to walk Eric to his car, he will be in the movie.

Dude, that's amazing, right?

This is almost certainly how this movie got made.

It has to be.

No, man, it's not as professional as a Ren Farrakhan.

And we're back for the breakdown.

And here's how good it is.

We all have several notes on the production logos.

These are some motherfucking Fiverr logos, if ever I've seen them.

So the first one, we see the deer logo, and I'm like, oh my God, it's so bad.

I just lowered my expectations of a Kevin Sorbo movie.

It seriously looks like graphics from a 2001 hunting game.

It is so terrible.

And it's like all the logos are competing with who can have the cheapest looking animal in their logo, right?

Because we go from the deer to the monkey to the bird.

And I'm just like, oh, come on.

At a certain point, you're just making things up.

These aren't even real companies.

Right.

Yeah, exactly.

They just wanted to make it look like they were producers.

So they can't stop you.

I have to let you.

So, okay, so then we get our Star Wars crawl.

And this is amazing amazing because they have a whole Star Wars crawl and all it tells us is like, the monsters are the bad guys.

Yeah.

Well, and also they lose confidence in our ability to read this fast about two seconds into the crawl.

So you're watching it in silence with the music and then it's like, years ago.

Sorry, I got bored.

Also, it's just a tiny thing, but like.

I never really appreciated how well written the Star Wars crawl was until I read this.

Every single one of the lines ends in a hanging preposition.

It's like, and what the monsters would want it for.

I was instinctively pressing B to skip.

I didn't even have a controller.

I even got a controller and I'm just like, oh, come on, come on.

Who gives a shit about this?

But so, okay.

And then we cut to two dudes a wrestling,

right?

So we're about to meet this group of thieves that will just like be told the story of this movie.

They serve no purpose whatsoever.

But as we're meeting them, we're going to see the cheapest goddamn credits scrolling over top of them.

It's so hard to pay attention to what's going on in the movie because the credits are just so bad.

And they're so big.

There's so many of them and they cover half the screen sometimes.

Literally, there will be somebody on screen.

And sometimes, you know, you'll see something in a movie where it will look like, you know, they kind of kept it in the lower third.

There's like two thirds of the screen covered with credits.

Like at certain points, credits are over people's eyes.

Like actors are like snucking around them.

Yeah.

So, okay.

So, you know what happened here?

I didn't check on this, but this has to be true.

Because at one point, there are like 41 producers listed on the screen at one time.

Those are the, like, there was a Kickstarter level where it is, you will be listed as a producer in the front credits.

Yep.

Right.

Which is why the front credits go on for 15 fucking minutes and

they cover three quarters of the screen from time to time.

But as we're watching, and

I'm sorry, look, I can't just do the credits.

I know we can't just do them.

It's not god-awful credits.

But also, the credits are bright red and they haven't done an outline or anything around them.

No shadow or nothing.

No, nothing, nothing at all.

So they're almost illegible.

Well, and also, I'm sorry.

And they're also in a silly calligraphy font.

They're in a fantasy font, and that makes them really hard to read.

And so you're just like, why would it even put that up there?

It literally looks like nothing.

Yeah, exactly.

They're in somehow not quite papyrus.

Yeah,

right some papyrus

it's like the teamu knockoff of papyrus right yeah right

so and then okay and then we see like we pan over this group of people and the costuming in this movie these people look somehow like half of them are ready to shiver me timbers and the other half are ready to attend the continental congress right and at least two in every shot just have a bed sheet on their head yep yeah yeah yeah and then a guy shows up who's supposed to be he's a spartan warrior right?

He's dressed as a goddamn Greek warrior looking for his phalanx.

So, but we meet all these like murderous thieves and one of them has like, I stole a dagger today.

And he throws the dagger and like this mysterious stranger catches it mid-air.

You know, he catches it.

But one thing we need to reveal to the audience is.

Having one eye does not change his depth perception.

He is able to catch that dagger.

No problem.

Single eye.

Yes.

Let me ask a question because we're going to spend a lot of time with this missing eye.

Does he have one eye or does he have Play-Doh over one side of his face?

What I think he has over his eye, Eli, is a blood pack that they just never blew up.

That's what it is.

Chekhov's blood pack.

Yeah, so like, like, he throws, the guy throws the dagger, this other guy grabs it just from off screen.

And, and you're like, oh, what's the silliest possible thing that he could be missing when you pull that hood up?

It's his eye.

You can't catch the dagger then.

Have him do something else, badass.

But I guess, like, this, this group of murderous thieves is just like, well, that was a hell of a catch.

Give him a bowl of cruel checks.

All right.

You earned your dinner tonight, friend.

Yeah.

It's what we say on that sign just outside the clearing, catch a dagger, ass gas a grass.

All right, and then there you go.

Welcome.

Much of the dialogue in this scene, though, you cannot imagine that someone wrote it down, right?

this is this is clearly just hey guys let's sit around a fire and let's talk for a few minutes and pretend we're thieves and it's like an improv troop that's doing this because none of this could possibly be written down it's insane also it's the first time there's ever been an exposition dump in a movie that's also being heckled at the same time yeah which i really hope gets brought into other films right so again this is fantasy nonsense right uh in the land of velnor king magogla

right you can say and do anything except every third line is someone from the circle going, this is fucking boring, it is.

Yes,

right, except they don't do that great accent work that you just did.

Yeah, so what happens?

The one-eyed guy sits down, he takes a bite of his gruel, and he's like, I would like to tell you the movie.

So, and it's the story of this dagger, the dagger that he caught.

That's what he's going to center the story around swords.

No, it's not, though, not even fucking remotely.

The movie just keeps remembering, ooh, ooh, the dagger.

Stick the dagger in now.

Yeah.

So, okay, so we doodally do into the movie and we see a group of knights out hunting for the bone devil.

And when I saw all these men in their like fucking suits of armor, it's the first and not last time I wrote, oh, I'm so happy we have Cecil for this one.

Yeah.

I don't know if this was perfect for Cecil or if this was some kind of like statement of enmity towards Cecil.

Yeah, these are all like, like, this is all, they're all in these big helmets and they're out at night and they all have 10 millimeter eye spots.

Yes, like, why are you wearing your helmet running around the forest at night?

You know, 100%

three of these guys got out of their car, walked to the filming, and they ran directly into a tree.

You know what happened?

You know it happened.

Yes, absolutely.

And so, okay, and then

everybody starts just like they're just joshing, right?

They're out hunting a monster together and they're all like shooting the shit.

And they're doing like these terrible British accents, except one guy doesn't.

Yeah.

Fucking bone monster.

Yeah.

I'll fuck you right up, you fucking asshole, bone monster.

Come on down here, you fucking asshole.

Lord Pimberly,

do you mean to just stop talking like that?

I brought a gun from my car

if you want to shoot the monster.

So, yeah, so, so, but then, yeah, all of a sudden, you know, everybody's like, oh, I'm not scared of no bone devil.

And then one of the knights screams and somebody says, what was that?

We're like, we don't know because your dumbasses didn't bother to like put anything in there for him to be screaming at yet.

And then, and then.

Dynasty warrior music swells up.

So that's when we get the dynasty.

And this is a recurring theme.

Whenever there'll be a fight, they have gotten this really bad.

And if you've never played Dynasty Warriors, it's all like shredding guitars what's playing in the background with kind of like a piano going

and that's basically what's happening the whole movie whenever there's a weird fight scene and that's what's happening now.

Yeah, so they're gonna they're gonna reveal their awesome bone devil costume to us one appendage at a time here, right?

Fuck yeah, they are.

Yeah, and he takes out the first guy.

First season Star Trek wishes they

said

this is definitely like I would say maybe a Tim Baker Doctor Who outfit is probably sort of right where you're at no that's a good that's a good era yeah yeah it takes the first guy out yep and he has I'm not kidding an eight or nine inch blood pack on his oh my gosh he's wearing a rough made of fake

It's so bad.

And again, like they super close up.

They at least have the sense to always make it like night when we see the bone devil.

That's true.

Right.

They never give him the harsh light of the sun or anything but they go close up on these blood packs over and over again and every time i'm like why would you do that the other thing i want to point out too is this scene plays itself out it's they start with seven

there is uh four that die i counted and then there are two left that one runs away and one does a standoff with the bone devil their editor missed one

there's one that's just gone and i know it's just a dumb continuity error but but at the same time, you're like, come on, there were seven dudes.

Like, you made it a point to show all seven of them.

And now there's like one guy who just like, he's just like a random guy.

Like, I'm just going to sneak away, like, sidestep and not pay.

This is really blowing my business.

So, well, that's just the thing.

There absolutely was a moment where one guy turned to another guy and was like, well, nobody's going to fucking count.

What are the odds that the people watching this movie can count to see?

Are going to watch it?

Come on.

Your sister, my sister, the entire audience for through this movie, I think we're going to be right, yeah, right.

Also, the crew.

That's probably why they had so many people in the movie was so that that many would watch it.

So, but yeah, quickly, we're down to just the bone devil and this one guy who has a sword that's all wiggly.

It's a flamberge.

Yeah.

Okay.

How do you put that in a sheath?

It feels like you'd have to rock it back and forth the whole time.

You just, yeah, you do.

It's a wider sheath.

Okay, yeah, yeah.

No, that makes sense.

All right.

So then we get our first good look at the bone devil, and he's exactly as good as that deer logo led us to expect him to be, right?

Yeah.

And there is a core.

I use the word choreograph here in the most loosest sense.

Yeah.

They kind of were just like, I'm going to take a couple swings at you and then you eventually kill me.

And the guy's like, sure, no problem.

And they are missing each other by three and four feet.

It is amazing.

It is outstandingly bad.

It is unbelievably stinky.

You guys ever go to a wedding where the girl's dad is there even though he's dying and should probably be in a hospital somewhere?

Jesus Christ.

You know that father-daughter dance?

That's how all the fight choreography in this movie is.

It's Peepaw holding himself up on Dolores before he goes to meet Jesus in heaven.

The fight choreography.

All right.

So,

this is the point in the movie where one of the funniest facts about it was revealed to me, right?

Because I looked this up and I'm like, when did they make this old-ass piece of shit?

It looks so bad.

It was 2024.

Yeah.

2024, yeah.

It was last goddamn year.

So, okay.

So they're fighting.

And so, and then I have to ask, Cecil, because they're doing some sword fighting here.

How important when you're sword fighting are the sweet flare spins, right?

The batage.

You cannot underestimate the effect of a sweet flare spin.

Thank you very much.

I mean, we call those the Vader, okay?

That's what you do when you're out there fighting.

So absolutely clear.

That's why you got everybody.

All right, so then, okay, the bone devil kills the last guy.

He gets everybody.

And then we go to the survivor, the one guy who ran away.

He's telling the nobles about their failure,

right?

Which is weird because this is, again, this is Sigurd telling us this story.

So Sigurd is now telling the story to this group of people of someone telling the story of the thing that just happened.

And he's not there.

Right, right, exactly.

At the time that he wasn't there, right.

But everybody's making fun of him for being such a sissy that he ran away.

And this is where we're going to meet Redbeard, who we are led to believe is the movie's villain.

Yeah, he will die off-screen at the beginning of act three, so he's not,

right?

But we're going to feign villainhood from this guy.

So he pulls out his dagger and he starts telling him about how poisonous this dagger is.

He's like, he's like, oh, it's got the poison of the hook beast in it.

That sounds scary, right?

And we're like, no, it doesn't, not at all.

He's like, sounds scary

and just and just when he's about to stab this guy a lady comes in with a french accent that the three of us can talk about it is amazing why wasn't i added to this zoom code

Yeah, it is outstanding.

It is an accent that loses itself and then regains itself and then falls down a set of stairs and then gets back up.

He's amazing.

He locks the door and refuses to let the emergency services represent.

Yes.

It's like someone who had never heard a French accent saw a phonetic write-out of what a French accent is supposed to look like.

Hello.

It's amazing.

How are you today?

There's no way that's what they meant.

It's so good.

It's so fucking good.

Cecil's not saying it, but he wrote in his notes, it's Melania.

It is Melania.

I have 100% reminded me of Eli's Melania.

The moment she started speaking, I was like, that's Eli's Melania.

That is 100% Eli's Melania.

Dude, I saw that in your notes, and I just, I have her as Lady Melania from that point.

Oh, so, okay.

So, but then the king shows up with his very clanky retinue, right?

They all crowded to this tiny ass room.

There's like eight guys with

suits of armor.

This is another, the scars in this is what haunted me is what corner of what medieval fair were they allowed to use that every room in the movie is like a broom closet

broom closet, but it is a broom closet.

So it's a castle in Austin, I think, or Texas somewhere, maybe not Austin.

It's a castle.

I found it on here because there's the same photos because it's an Airbnb.

And they're using the actual, so instead of like someone having a set somewhere where it's wide open where you could sort of block and get people in position and not have to be all in the same room with the camera and the lighting and the lights they would just have an open room with like you know two sides to it or whatever that would look like the backdrop of a castle they don't do that in this they filmed on location in this weird castle that's sort of made for parties and so it's really really small and every room's like a broom closet parties but not cameras no it's like you remember when you were young and you were too poor to do a housewarming but your first friend did a housewarming and then 11 people were standing in the living room of his one-bedroom apartment and you all realized simultaneously that this was going to be a very hot and sweaty and unpleasant two and a half hours.

That's how this movie is shot.

Yep.

This movie is, is someone still in the bathroom, the filming experience.

So the king comes in and he's like, hey, fake bad guy who I have is red beard throughout my notes.

I don't know what the character's name is.

So he's like, hey, redbeard, lady Melania, come to my chambers for the next scene.

So they go to his chambers and he starts talking about how back in the day, the bone devil didn't dare encroach upon the villages, right?

In the land of Varoka.

So I wrote Movga in my notes.

But just then, his daughters come in.

Right.

So we're going to meet the two princesses.

One is just young, generic princess.

The other is Princess Monster Hunter.

She likes to want to hunt monsters all the time.

Princess Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

100%

Keith Sarah Huckabee Sanders, the entire movie, without ever breaking character.

They'll be like, oh, Papa, today we were doing needlework, but I'm afraid I wasn't very good.

Hey, did you guys know that if you dump a fucking chamber pot into your own room, they won't clean it for you?

They'll just bring you a bot.

It's fucking bullshit.

I'm the princess.

well there's a point

there's a point in my notes with her like so all the accents are really really bad like hilariously bad like some of the people are making fun of some of the other people bad right

these accents but hers was so bad that like it deserved special attention right like in my notes at this point i wrote like after her like eighth line i was like oh my god is she trying for an accent

has she been trying for an accent this whole time There's a line that comes up right after this where they talk about the lost blades, and the guy says, and it's from the trailer.

And so you didn't have to watch this whole movie.

You could watch this guy deliver this line from the trailer.

And it is what hooked me to watch this movie is the man delivering.

There is an elite group of monster hunters.

And I was like, that's fucking the best line

ever heard in any movie I've ever watched.

I cannot get,

I wanted to watch the movie immediately when Eli sent me the trailer.

I was like, like i cannot i can't hold myself back from this it's insane so good yes so he tells the king about this is the fake back he says there's an elite group of monster hunters called the lost blades they're the good guys right

so then we cut to a couple of the other sharp-dressed nobles at dinner this is i guess the king's brother and his buddy yeah and and the jester the jester the the fake comic relief right because this guy is clearly supposed to be the comic relief but they never let him actually do shtick.

No.

So we meet this group and we like we cut in at the end of a joke or whatever.

And the court gesture is like, I shall tell you a better joke.

And he like does a big warm-up.

And then the king comes in and this, and he's like, oh, well, I'll go fuck myself.

I'll fuck myself down.

All right.

Is it because I refuse to do an accent and I talk like this?

I feel like it's because I refuse to do an accent.

So, yeah, so, but the king comes in and he starts talking to his brother.

And they set up this.

This is amazing because it's entirely useless to the story.

Oh, yeah.

Right.

They set up this whole thing where the king's brother renounced his title to be with the woman that he loved, but now he's back.

And it's just, it's exposition for exposition's sake.

Yeah.

He might as well turn to his brother at the end of the scene and go, all right, well, see you literally eight seconds before the end of the movie.

Sure, yeah.

What I love too about this is that every single person in this movie has to be named, right?

So when they sit down, you get to find the name of the jester and the two nobles he's talking to because he introduces people throughout the whole movie.

It's like, oh, well, this is Baron Jameson.

And this is, this is Count Lucan.

And this is, and he keeps on doing it over.

And I'm like, I don't need to know who these people are.

You don't have to fucking spend 45 minutes introducing members of the cast who have four lines.

Please stop doing it.

Do not stop.

So it would make a lot of sense.

Like a lot of this movie would make more sense if they also had a like donate this much on Kickstarter and be a named character with a lot of people.

I'm glad I didn't think of that, but you're probably right.

Very well could be

the case.

And because look, first of all, there are some really terrible expenses, but like the level of acting is so wild in this movie, right?

Right.

Like it goes from like all the way up to relatively competent and all the way down to at gunpoint.

Because the question that arises when you watch this movie is, what were these people good at that they decided to make a movie?

Right.

Right.

Because we've seen movies made by stunt men that aren't well acted but are well stunted.

Yes.

And we've seen movies made by people who can't make movies, but like they very obviously had an artistic vision or they thought they were good acting.

Or they were great at costuming.

And that's the point.

But yes, there's literally nothing that this movie is good at.

Nothing good at all?

So, and like they're so they're so bad at acting.

And these are like some of the main characters.

The king, who isn't doing an accent at all, by the way, he's from fucking nebraska right he's in nebraska hey how's it going guys yeah so he's

he's over here talking to his his uh brother and there's a point where the brother's like oh you're so angry and i'm like oh is that what he was going for was that he's supposed to be angry in this scene you are angry in this scene yeah

sure

i don't think so let's have some hot dish and then we

I'm sorry.

And then

we cut to the fucking peanut gallery, right?

We back out of the doodly-doo, and the peanut gallery is trying to press B to skip this part of the movie.

I don't like this movie.

All right.

Well,

thanks.

They like they argue about how good the first 15 minutes of the film have been.

I wrote it down.

I wrote it down.

Here's the lens.

I hate exposition.

Next line.

I'm surprised you know what that means.

Next line.

What's that supposed to mean?

Next line.

I think you know exactly what that means.

What the fuck is that?

Yep.

Oh, God.

Oh, you got a picture of that all sitting next to itself on a piece of paper, right?

Like he can see it say means, means, means, and means.

They probably lined up at some point.

So, hey, guys, the movie rhymes.

Well, not rhymes.

So, okay.

So, then we settle back into the story with a monster roar in the woods.

And I'm sorry, I can

this review is going to be so fucking long because every frame is so beautiful.

They have in this like pan over the foresting, they have sloppily colorized one of the trees to make it look weird so that it's a fantasy forest.

Fantasy forest.

Yeah, exactly.

Which it can't be a regular forest because look at that green and red strap tree.

One tree.

Yes.

Yeah.

In a forest.

Guys, I can't wait for you to meet Craig, who's playing our Minotaur.

He's like so ripped.

And like, he was always the guy in our gym.

And his sister died.

And so he's been trapped inside his house with nothing but instant mashed potatoes for the last three years.

But trust me, this Minotaur's tits are bigger than its horns.

I'm a fat man.

I'm a fat man, proud of my body, love my body.

I would not agree to be a Minotaur because then the only thing the human eye can focus on is my, and I cannot emphasize this enough, flapping tears,

flapping, dude.

You're not wrong.

They're fucking huge, man.

He's got knockers.

He's got like a rock door knocker on his nose and then two big knockers underneath.

Yeah.

Oh, so yeah.

So, so now what they've done, of course, is they've put a regular size guy in this gigantic fat suit so they can stab the fat suit a couple of times, right?

Yeah.

So this is what we're going to meet our group of monster hunters called the Lost Swords, and they're in the middle of fighting this Minotaur.

And of course, they don't have much choreography, so they kill him super quick.

But they, but the editor goes out of his way to use the exact same shot twice in a row.

And I'm not talking like once at the beginning of the battle and once at the end, I'm talking about there's a swing, then one other thing happens, and then that same swing happens again.

Oh, he's like, we can make it a little longer.

He's like, I mean, I need to just play the same goddamn card.

Whatever.

It doesn't matter.

Do you guys want to rewind the movie and just play it again?

It'll take a while to notice.

So, yeah, so they, but they bring the head of the Minotaur to this tavern and they're like, ah, we got him.

Well, the guy who says we got him, basically, his accent I had described in my notes as just generic bullwinkle enemy.

Right?

That's amazing.

That's an amazing, accurate description.

Oh, he's like, we have gotten your monster.

Jesus.

And so everybody's going to drink to the monster.

But hold on.

There's a dude.

There is a dude, though, that starts talking, and he's got like a straight up southern accent.

The guy with the guy liner.

Yeah.

He's like, hey, y'all, we got your Minotaur hit over here.

Like after the other guy talks, he comes in.

And it's amazing.

I'm like, where are all these accents coming?

They just said to somebody, they said, hey, guys, bring your best accent.

Whatever it is, it doesn't matter.

It fits here.

All accents are welcome.

What's truly amazing to me, though, is that there's like, you got, you have people like Kevin Sorbo and the king and the one knight that didn't do an accent.

So these people, imagine this.

These people walked under this set and they listened to Lady Melania going like,

or whatever.

And they're like, no, I don't have that great accent work like you guys.

No.

You're good.

Right.

Like, my God, there, it's, yeah.

It's, and, and, and what's amazing to me is that, like, everybody who's listening to this podcast thinks, oh, they're exaggerating.

No.

And we're just literally fucking not.

I'll tell you what.

Why don't you head on over to Tubi?

Why don't you go ahead and click on Devil's Night with a K.

Uh-huh.

Why don't you click anywhere on that bar?

And if you don't

have the most insane accent you've ever heard, I'll PayPal you 20 bucks.

You want that?

You want that?

Oh, God.

Oh, my.

Safest bet I've ever made.

Yes, right, right.

So, okay, so meanwhile, they're in the bar.

They killed the Minotaur.

Meanwhile, Redbeard is plotting bad guy,

right?

The monster hunter princess, the princess that wants to kill monsters, she shows up and says, I want to fight the bone devil.

Yes, but except it's selectively British.

Yeah.

I'm going to use his arms to plunge my clunge, if you know what I mean.

Well, and what's so funny in this, in this whole thing is that evil Redbeard is saying, Well, hold on, hold on, princess.

We will have you fight the bone devil, but I'm gonna, we need to send out my spies first.

And I'm like, what the fuck do you need spies for?

Like, what are they gonna do?

Like, sit around it with like a pad and pencil?

Be like, well, it seems like he's armored.

Yes, right.

Well, he just said,

so, how do I, how do you spell that, Frank?

Seems to like hearts.

Yeah, what, what use do you think it's going to be to say that the bone devil's cheating on his wife?

I mean, he is.

Did it just go into a proud boys meeting?

What is happening with this bone devil?

So, yeah, so, but Redbeard.

When the bone devil thought the camera was off, he started jerking it to ladyboy porn.

I don't know.

Are you allowed to call it that?

That feels problematic.

So, yeah, so, but he's like, don't worry.

We're going to hire the lost blades to kill the bone Devil, and then they'll fail, and then you'll kill them, and you'll get to be king.

And she's like, Is that how the system works?

He's like, Well,

it doesn't matter.

It's not going to go all the way through that anyway.

And she's like, Well, how do we know the Lost Blades will fail?

And he's like, I'll see to that.

He doesn't.

He never does anything.

He doesn't.

No, yeah, no, he doesn't see to that at all.

None of this ever comes back.

It's just

again, it's exposition for exposition's sake.

Okay, so we cut back to the Lost Blades.

They're out having a drink.

This is where we get the most amazing wig that ever was.

It's so amazing.

Dude, it looks like Olivia Newton.

I said that.

You just took his fuckdolls' hair to work.

That's okay.

It's a Britney Spears off wig costume.

Yours is better.

Yours is better.

That is so true.

Oh, it's amazing.

God.

If I killed and removed the skin of Dolly Parton and then had to make my way past her guards wearing said skin,

that's what this part of the movie looks like.

And nobody's like straightened it either because it's kind of a little crooked on his head.

He's standing there.

It's like, it's like his helmet is just a little off.

It's amazing.

It is the best wigwork I've ever seen.

It truly is.

And again, people think we're exaggerating, but we're not.

No.

So, because the thing is, is that we're the boy that cried wolf on this to a certain degree, right?

Because sometimes our movies aren't that bad and we have to sort of exaggerate shit.

So nobody actually believes this movie is as bad as it is, but it is.

Oh, yeah.

It is.

This is the part where they cut to the woman and she turns to them and she goes, oh, so did you guys kill that monster all by yourselves?

Shelves?

Yeah.

And she turns to, she goes, do I get a second take?

And they're like, no one gets a second.

No way.

We're live broadcasting this on Tub

to the only three people who will ever watch it.

We only brought the one gigabyte card, so no.

Right, yeah, right, yeah.

We're doing sort of a night at the museum Indian in the cupboard thing, which is when Noah and Eli and Cecil turn on this movie.

We start to act it out.

Yeah, right.

So, yeah, so, but then a gang shows up and they're like, we're here in case the good guys need a bar brawl.

And so there's a bar brawl.

And they miss their first attempt at this, right?

Because they're like, well, if a women and ale and the first waitress is like, oh, I can't wait to get reamed by all of you.

Okay.

Well,

there would be no reason for anyone to punch us in the face if you're answers.

Yes.

Right, Carol?

I guess we'll have to go over to the lady who says shelves in the street.

Yeah, exactly.

That'll do it.

We're going to aim for a secondary sexual assault target.

I just.

Hi.

Are you less enthusiastic to have sex with us?

I hope.

You are great.

Can I fight you over this next?

Yeah, there we go.

There we go.

So we get our.

Meanwhile, Carol's in the back with her ankles up in the air.

I'm a bricket.

I will be.

And then,

so, okay.

And then this is the point where I go up to the top and I change best worst wig to best worst fake punches, right?

Oh, yeah.

So good.

And they're missing each other.

Again, the choreography on this is they're, they're missing each other by like a foot and oh my god.

They're missing each other by so much.

It doesn't look like anything is happening, but the best part is they punch the Roman soldier in the face or whatever, and he kind of just moves his jaw a little.

It's this is the guy who's telling the story sitting in the other part of the movie.

And

he's in the movie now as like the big, strong, tough guy.

He gets punched in the face and it kind of moves him.

And then the guy's like, well, that didn't work.

Let me punch him in his fucking metal breastplate.

Right.

Yeah, exactly.

That works.

And again, like, like, let's back up and imagine that this guy is telling this doodle-doo.

He's like, so then I was in this brawl and these guys came in and they tried to fuck with us, but like, and they punched me a bunch of times, and I was like, oh, that didn't do anything.

So then I was, and I was like, man, I just like knocked the two of them together, right?

But that's what's happening

in the fucking movie.

He rock bottoms a dude on the table, too.

The guy throws his shot, he ducks, and he picks him up just like the rock, and he rock bottoms right on the table.

Amazing, sure, the fuck does.

But so they kick a bunch of ass, but mid-brawl, the king's men come in and they're like, you know, our boss wants to see the lost blades.

Yeah.

And then Rob Schneider is fighting at the same time.

And Rob Schneider is about three and a half feet shorter than every single person in this movie.

Yep.

And he has, he's been fighting this big, huge guy.

And he boxes his ears.

And this guy screams for four and a half minutes.

He yells for way too long.

And he yells for so long.

It gets uncomfortable when you're watching.

You're like, what?

I don't know if Rob pulled his punch there.

He really boxed that guy's ears.

He really.

Yeah.

It may have been.

He got him good.

Okay, so now the Lost Blades, which is a team of apparently 17 fucking people.

So many people.

This is the first time you realize that there are 28 of them.

It is hilarious how many of them there are.

So one of them is a samurai, but they don't say samurai because they're not sure if they're allowed to say samurai, but he's a person of Japanese descent.

So they happen upon the grave of his daughter.

Just wandering, sure.

And everyone stands there solemnly, and that's when you realize they're larger than the gay man's chorus of San Francisco.

Exactly.

And the way that this scene plays out is like he goes to pray at the grave and like, you know, guys six and 11 are like, oh, I'll go pray with him.

And then guy two and four are like, well, me too.

And then guys 14, 15, and 17.

And it's just

so long.

They got a butcher's ticket taker.

They're on a wait.

Yes, exactly.

They're on a wait for this.

The absolute very best thing that happens in this scene is is a couple people start to go over after the Japanese man goes and stands, sits in front of his daughter's statue and starts ladling water over the statue.

And they all start filing in.

And one guy walks up and he says the best line in the history of movies.

And he goes, Yes.

What am I looking at here?

Someone described the scene out loud.

I would literally started crying.

I was laughing.

So I was like, that is the best scene.

I was like, no, this movie, I'm like, this movie can do no wrong now.

Nothing this movie does will ever take that away.

It is the best part of this entire thing.

Well, and the second best line ever written comes immediately after, right?

Because he's like, what am I looking at here?

He's like, oh, that's the daughter.

His daughter died.

And then he goes, how did she die?

And somebody goes, demon wolves.

And no follow-up.

None.

Just, oh, yeah.

That'll get you.

You got to watch out for them.

Yeah.

Cover your garbage, everybody.

Demon wolves, you know?

Got to put a brick on the lid.

That's the

important thing.

Yeah.

And this is also where we first see that everyone has that same goddamn ex-scarf.

So many of them.

Okay, I should have to talk about one more moment in the scene because it's so funny to me.

So when he first sits down at his daughter's grave, he does the real thing where you take water from like a vessel near the grave of someone in your family and you pour the water over the stone.

But there are so many of them that it starts to like turn the land around the daughter's grave into the greatest sinking.

They just stop doing it.

They're like, okay, now it's silly.

We're just fucking bukakiing this little girl's grave.

We need to know.

Jesus Christ, Eli.

It's a fucking pool floaty at this point, guys.

We got that.

So, okay.

There's also another part of this, too, where one of the guys sits down and he's wearing on his arms, he's wearing what look like metal bracers right so he's got these metal bracers on his forearms and he puts his hand on somebody else and you can clearly see the plastic flex really deadly and i was like holy shit i was like that's the plastickest plastic armor i've ever seen it was amazing outstanding awesome so okay so then that night they're they've set up camp we meet the healer who is i he's going for a german accent i think oh his is good i was thinking it was swedish i thought it was was okay swedish it could have been i think it was he was just going for general european sure i think that's what he was doing he was like he was gonna pick and choose from a lot of different countries and no one was gonna hold him down i think that was his key and he's wearing half of a wig like the back half of a wig

to make his hair long, but it's just his regular hair in front.

It's ridiculous.

And what happened to this scene is it's amazing.

It's more of this exposition for exposition segregation because he's explaining the rules of the magic in this.

He's like, well, you know, I I can't do spells, but I can make potions and stuff.

And he's like, oh, I bet that'll come back later in the movie, huh?

He's like, no, no, you'll never see me again, and there will be no more magic

from here on.

That's literally all.

He will get his face ripped off at the end of the movie.

Oh, he does.

No, it's pretty cool.

Other than that, nothing else happens with him.

No.

But then like guys 11 and 16 start talking shit to each other.

And again, like consider how much better this movie would have been if this had been a group of like five people, which is all you need.

right.

All you ever fucking need is five guys here.

Yeah, but then you, then you can't get the Kickstarter big donut.

I guess, yeah, right, right.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, clearly, we need to take a break for a fucking tankard of ale or whatever, but we're going to be back in a minute with even more of Devils Conite.

Ariel.

Garmond.

Great rest.

Finally.

Hey, guys.

What you doing?

Oh, hey, Noah.

This week's movie made me realize I'm way out of shape.

So Cecil's teaching me sword stuff.

He's basically my personal trainer.

Well, that's nice of you.

Oh, I'm charging him.

Yeah, he is charging me quite a bit, actually.

Eli, you don't need a personal trainer to get the results you want.

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What's Fitbod?

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That That sounds way better than doing 50 merry weathers in a row.

I don't know, Noah.

Have you actually tried it?

I sure have.

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All right, Noah, I'm sold.

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That's f-i-t-b-od-d.m-e slash gam.

All right, Cecil.

Looks like I won't need to learn the blade after all.

That's fine.

I wasn't actually teaching you sort of stuff anyway.

What were those words?

I was just naming fonts.

Ah, I wondered why there was a Times New Roman.

Yeah.

Your Majesty.

Yes, Counselor.

I have found a band of monster hunters to cure us of our bone devil problem.

Excellent.

Send them in.

Your Majesty, my men and I are at your service.

You are very welcome.

Allow me to introduce them.

This is Gerard, the greatest hunter in the four kingdoms.

Aye.

Then there are the twins, Golan and Roland, their axes as sharp as their wits.

Greetings, Your Majesty.

Then there's Osako, a warrior from the Far East.

Your Majesty.

Wonderful.

I know that you will.

Sorry.

Sorry, Your Majesty, just a few more.

Oh, well, the more the merrier.

This is my son, John.

How the fuck are you doing?

And Carl the Giant, my lord.

And of course, Ranga the Centurion.

At your service!

Excellent.

Now, if we could...

Sorry, just real quick.

Come on!

Steve, Brian, Alan.

Sure.

Chris, Matt, Other Matt.

Fucking come on.

Brian, Philbert, Aussie, Honanen, Weasel, Gartard, and Renatheon.

Jesus fucking Christ, there's like 50 of you.

Are you done?

Are you fucking done?

Yes.

Great.

Now, go kill the bone devil.

On our honor, Michael.

Yeah, yeah, go in your fucking school bus or whatever.

As you wish.

We should get a school bus.

Not now, Other Matt.

And we're back for more of this shit.

We're going to rejoin the action with the Lost Blades arriving at the castle.

This is where you get to see the outside of that castle and it is Newman Castle.

And I put a link in

the description.

That was nice to see you.

Yeah, the castle didn't do anything wrong.

Yeah, the castle is a.

I got to be honest.

It looks kind of dope.

I would be honest.

I kind of want to go.

I'm like, I would go if I was in the air.

Go there and do a LARP.

I would go check it out.

It looks kind of fun.

Like, I could see, like, if we, if we could put together a big LARP there or something, I would do it.

That would be fucking sweet.

That'd be a hoot, bro.

I'd do it.

I would be unsurprised to see a photo of you and your lovely wife with her frozen smile on your Facebook.

Hostage smile.

We found another castle, everybody.

Oh, look, another ruin.

Amazing.

What are the chances?

Yeah.

So, okay, so the Lost Blades, they go into the castle.

And this is where we meet the two big-name actors in the movie, right?

This is where Kevin Sorbo and Eric Eric Roberts are introduced.

Okay.

Here, I want to talk about how drunk Eric Roberts is.

Do you know when you go in a bar and there's a person so drunk in that bar that you leave the bar?

Right.

He's not doing anything yet, right?

You just walk in and you sit down and he goes, hey,

and you're like, nope, the night ends.

At best, you're vomiting on me in the next 10 minutes.

I will get a Shirley Temple somewhere else that's how drunk eric roberts is he is also full on on mom's leg holding on to another actor at all moments of this

yes he might as well be in a papoose yeah

and he's doing an accent he's doing british he's

it's amazing yeah it's like imagine putting like 11 drinks into heath and then asking him to start a fight based entirely on accents with mark That's the accent he's doing.

He's only in the movie too for like it's like a 30 seconds and then that's the end.

Yes.

Right.

He's in this scene and it and that's it.

And he's just part of the royal entourage.

Right.

I don't even know if they give this character a name.

So the lost boys come in to see the king.

Lord Sussex.

Oh, that's right.

Lord Sussex.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So the lost boys come in to see the king and the king's like, I will see these 27 men in this very tiny room.

Everyone else leave.

Keep coming in, guys.

No, there's more room in the front.

There's room in the front.

Come on up.

No, don't gotta huddle up here.

This is small room.

Everybody, squeeze in, squeeze in.

There's more room.

Explore the space.

So it's fucking amazing how many people they fit in this.

Well,

look, he eventually has to send everybody else out.

And they make a big deal of it in the movie.

They're like, oh, I don't know.

Should we leave him alone with these vicious warriors or whatever?

And they're like, that's the only way to fit everybody in the fucking room, man.

You have to, like, just from geometry's sake, you know?

So, and

Eric Roberts is like, you know, do you, do you think, uh, do you think we should stay?

And, and he's like, no, we can't afford you.

He's like, all right, well, I will leave the movie then for good.

Hey, Callan, thanks for bailing me out of the jail.

Where are you going, buddy?

You want to go get Waffle House?

No, I've got to be in this movie.

I'm being paid $99.

Boot bragging.

Bootbraggy.

All you can eat browns chicken.

Yeah.

I'll come be in the movie.

Nope.

It's okay.

I'm okay.

I'll be in movie with you.

Let's go be in the movie.

Tell him, tell him, call him right now and say, hey, I'm with

my name.

He's so drunk.

He's so drunk, he calls the guys sales souls instead of

well, if it isn't the sales.

The lady with the French accent is like, okay, man, take it here.

Oh, so so the but everybody shows up.

Kevin Sorbo, Kevin Sorbo's carrying this great big sword in front of him, just like it's a, I don't know, like he's a walking stick or something.

And they leave, and then he talks to the lost swords guys.

So the main guy there, who I have his guy too, because he's not the one telling the story, talks to the king a little bit.

They back and forth.

And the king is just a good guy.

He's a regular fella.

He's the kind of guy you'd like to have a beer with, right?

That's what they're going for.

Yeah.

And the guy that he's talking to, I shit you not.

I did not realize that man was going for a French accent until at the end of this fucking scene, he said, we.

Okay, to be fair to him, he saw what French accent lady from earlier was doing, and he was like, Okay, Craig, don't overdo it.

Don't want to do it,

don't want to embarrass her, yeah.

Yeah,

I don't want to ruin my chances with her, yeah.

But you can put your suburb in there,

but ultimately, he hires him to go kill the bone devil, right?

And then we cut to the next scene where we watch Princess Monster Hunter practicing with her sword.

This is where we get

this lady who's using a two-handed sword, who is like, she's like shuffling her feet like Ali.

She's like trying to move her feet back and forth.

And she's like constantly shifting her hips and she's swinging with the wrong hip.

It was really bad to watch.

I'm just saying, like, as a guy who fights with a sword, I'm like, okay, no, stop.

Please just stop doing this.

I don't want you to do this anymore.

You're embarrassing yourself.

And she must have been the best with the sword in the movie because her character is all about how good at sword she is.

Right.

That's the whole thing.

So, like, this is how good this fucking shit is.

I swear I am not exact.

Once again, I have to.

This movie is so bad.

I have to keep trying to convince the audience that I'm telling them the truth about how bad it is.

The other day, a lady tried to sex traffic Noah, and it's still more believable than this movie.

So I was writing in my notes, how's her technique here, Cecil?

Because of course, I know that Cecil does swords.

And as I'm typing that, she legitimately misses the stationary target that she's swinging at.

Doesn't quite get it.

Almost got it.

She missed it by about a foot.

Yeah.

Suburb.

By about a foot.

Not all can master the soul.

So, yeah, well, then, and then Lady Melania comes in to give her some shit for being too sordid and not ladylike enough, right?

That's where she uses the word.

Sevour.

It's fucking amazing.

You would rather stand here and play with your Seward.

It has four syllables the way she says it.

It's just

this is my favorite part of the whole movie, though, is that Sorbo has to be in a woke movie with a woman fighting.

Oh, man.

That is my favorite part of this whole movie is that.

What is he gay now?

What has happened to Sorbo's career that he has to say yes to a movie with a female quasi-protagonist who is good with a sword?

The best thing about this entire fucking movie is right before I watched it, I saw the story about him saying that after watching Snow White, the left can't make good movies.

Yeah.

Not like devils, no, yeah, yeah, no, the left cannot make movies like devils tonight.

I'll tell it, I will give you that.

Famous leftist Gal Gado.

So the Lost Swords, they head out to fight the bone devil and the princess, Princess Monster Hunter is watching them walk off.

Now, one of the monster hunters, the lost swords, is a woman, right?

We realize here, though, at this point, that we're supposed to have not realized that and thought that was a dude.

Yeah, we were supposed to not realize that that obvious woman was a dude the whole time.

And everyone's like, no, man.

That's a chick, bro.

Everybody's very obvious.

But guys, you wouldn't be able to tell because they put her in a fetus helmet

her head looks like a xenomorph from aliens it's so big it's

bananas it's such a weird helmet man it would because she's got like 40 pounds of hair stuffed up into it right she's got so much fucking hair oh god so so so we cut the red beard she looks like a preemie baby

and not one that makes it

one that like where they go on the ask the Photoshop thing and they're like, take all the tubes away.

I'm going to make a card for my sister.

That's what this one.

I'm not

going to see those appearing in this joke under protest.

I'm not in this one.

So, meanwhile, so we cut to Redbeard.

He's torturing the creature from the Black Lagoon.

I had this baby Godzilla, but you're better.

No, Eli had it even better.

What did you have, Eli?

Oh, yeah.

See, now I had it down as Rhino Ninja Turtle.

I think it was right.

Yes, I think you're better.

I think yours is better still.

It's this one-eyed, one-horned, flying green, green people eater.

So totally different.

So here's what I thought the plot of the movie was at this point, the first time I saw it, because I watched this twice.

But the first time I saw it, I thought the plot of this movie, and this is not the plot of the movie, so I'm not spoiling anything, but I thought the plot of this movie is that this guy is bleeding these creatures and making more more creatures?

That's what I thought the plot of the movie was, and that's what it seems to be implying, but it never, ever, ever is the case.

It's a completely lost and useless scene, and it doesn't make a lot of sense.

But that is what I thought was happening, but I was completely wrong.

No, it turns out just that at some point later in the movie, it will be useful for him to have tortured a frog klops,

right?

And so they do that.

Yeah, yeah, no, they definitely needed to do Chekhov's torture of a rhino ninja turtle.

Yeah, spoiler alert.

Do you think they shot the frogklops escape and they were like, guys,

what's the frogklops' motivation?

It's interesting.

So, so, okay, so, and this is.

We need an I spit on your grave, but with a four

going on here.

So, but then Princess Monster Hunter comes in and she's like, basically, she just looks like looks at us and says, you're supposed to think that that lady was a guy from earlier, the woman one with the fetus helmet.

What up, what up?

Torturing frog pops, I see.

No follow-ups.

Anyways,

they put a chick in a big helmet, and I don't know who that was supposed to fool, but I want to plunge or clunge, if you know what I'm saying.

Okay.

Arrange for me to fist fight her in the next 26 minutes.

Right, yeah, don't worry.

And this gift card is yours.

So, okay, so then we cut to the good guys.

They're two days' travel from the monster's lair.

We know that because they say at the beginning of this scene, we'll be there in about two days.

But as they're walking along, they hear a woman screaming.

And this is another moment where, like, the average listener who didn't watch the movie is going to think I'm fucking exaggerating at how explicit this lady screams are.

You are not supposed to be attacking me.

I'm fucking proud.

I'm fucking wicked.

And you're over here attacking me.

I'm being actively kidnapped against that girl.

That's all good

Oh, if only there was a band of sell source to say

somewhere in the 150 monster and demon magic girls to rescue me, that'd be just swell.

But here I am, north by northwest compass points 54.8623987.

I'm using Western none of you.

Well, now I lost it.

Damn it.

So, and yeah, so the monster hunters, they send the scout.

They're like, you go ahead and find out what's going on.

I'm like, well, she's being kidnapped.

She just yelled that out loud.

Pretty obvious what's happening.

You don't have to be a genius.

You need to send a scout over here on seven right now.

So, yeah, so

and then like the scout shows up.

Then everybody, all 16 of the rest of them, they all like line in behind him.

And one guy turns to the scout and he goes, what's the situation?

I'm like, there's a bunch of people in a black cloak tying a woman to an altar.

What the fuck do you think is the situation, man?

Like, how many ways can you explain this particular goddamn set of facts?

That's why you send a scout.

It's so that they could show you they could come back with detailed information.

Yeah.

So then they're like, so what do you think we do?

We save her?

And the one guy, the

French guy is going like, no, no, we don't want to save her.

That would be a whole thing.

Cause then what would we do with her?

Yeah, I got to watch her.

I don't want to babysit her.

Why would you have, like, I feel like you could just let her go and go home.

Right.

Or make it a child if it's something you're worried about having to take care of.

Right.

Right.

So, but, but then, like, the good guys that want to intervene are just like, well, we could just intervene.

And he's like, God damn it.

And they, they intervene.

Yeah.

And then this, this is a part with a, where one of the guys throws an axe and he throws his axe.

And again, this could have been fine if they would have just moved the camera just a little bit.

But this guy guy has a full foot big belly, fake big belly in front of him full of blood that just explodes.

It just explodes like a dead alive bed blood pattern.

Boom.

And everything, I mean, everything gets covered.

It's like a cannon full of blood.

It's amazing.

It's so dumb.

So, yeah.

So they kill all the black cloaked sacrifice cult guys.

And then the boss, the French guy, well, he turns Scottish now because he's really angry.

Oh, this is so good.

He yells at him for saving the lady.

It says he saved the lady.

And they're like, what?

We were just trying to save the lady.

And he says, and they're like, I said, we were just, I forget exactly what the line that leads up to it because he says after that, they say, well, we're just, we're just trying to be heroes or something like that.

And he goes, well, then start acting like it.

And he gets so mad and I started crying again.

It's amazing.

It is genuinely an Oscar worthy moment.

The second part of this movie that had me in tears.

Oh, my God.

Outstanding.

So

we haven't mentioned yet that the character that's like supposed to, we're supposed to think is a guy, but is actually a woman, is this character, the boss character's daughter.

Yeah.

Right.

So that'll come up late.

Well, actually, I won't.

It'll never fucking matter, but it'll come up.

So, okay.

So that night they're all camping again.

Lady John, I have her as.

She comes in to apologize to her dad for rescuing that lady.

These are the actual lines that sat next to each other on the script.

Quote,

is that what you think this is about?

Her,

well, it's what I thought it was about.

Jesus fucking Christ.

And again,

we cannot exaggerate how bad her accent is.

It's like Eli surprised Heath with an accent.

Yeah, right?

He goes, do you know how reckless that was?

And I'm like, well, then that is what it was about, man.

What it was.

It was what she thought.

No, she was on channel.

No, it's not.

Absolutely.

I thought it was what I thought it was thought was about.

So, and then while they're talking, we cut out and we see this one, like guy nine is fucking the human sacrifice lady that they that they just rescued.

Cast members, hot wife, agreed to do a sexy.

Cast members, hot wife, agreed to do a sexy.

So she made her a succubus or maybe a vampire.

It's not good, but she agreed to do a sexy.

Had a fight with her pants off.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, yeah, so she gets done having sex and she like pulls Guy Nin's heart out of his chest and starts eating it.

Yeah.

Right.

Sad night for Guy Nine.

Well, it's a weird one.

Well, yeah, right.

Ups and mixed, mixed.

Yeah, mixed night.

Mixed night.

But like the message then is, well, I guess they should have just let the human sacrifice cult do their job.

Yeah.

Should have listened to guy too.

Okay.

Way to go, stupid.

Let me throw this out there.

I feel like it was on the guys in robes when they started being attacked to be like, hey, hey, hey, we understand how this this looks, but we assure you she is the succubus.

Let's talk this through.

Well, to be fair, they like introduced themselves by throwing an axe into that guy's beer belly, right?

So like that's.

I'm not saying it didn't require quick action.

Yeah,

see, I'm like, I understand being shocked for a moment by that.

Yeah.

So, okay.

So then the monster lady rolls up on the camp, still snacking on dude's heart.

And it's time for a half-naked demon lady fight.

She underhands that dude's heart right into that guy's face

it's very funny yeah it's a softball for his face great start and then so and we get like so like they fight her for a while she kills a couple of them and then sigurd comes out and he's like i'm the most badass i'll take her on one-on-one hold the phone wait a minute no illusions oh there is a fight where she goes after one of the chubby dudes who pulls a falcon out now a falcon is a curved sword and he takes a swing at her she dodges like slits his throat with her claw or punches him through the gut with her claws or something and then she pulls the sword away from him stabs him with it and then she pulls him back to like hold him like you would a hostage but falcians only have edge on one side and he she uses the false edge on his neck on the other side to cut his throat a few seconds later but they have to cg it in because there's no blood pack and she uses a dull ass blade on his neck because it's literally just a square bit of metal that she's placing up against

rugby.

Tries to cut him with juggler's knives or something.

My sword nerddom couldn't let that pass without mentioning it.

I apologize.

Fair, fair.

So yeah, but we watch the fucking best choreography they have.

Eventually, Sigurd

stabs her through the belly, and then he does a jackreacher head butt just to be sure.

Did he blocks one blow?

She has a sword.

He blocks one blow with his greave.

And his greave is basically a shin guard.

So while he's fighting, he lifts his leg up really high with his shin guard to block a shot.

It is outstanding.

It is outstanding.

You can't miss this one.

Yeah.

When he killed her, I really wanted him to turn to the daughter you had just been arguing about the consequences with and be like, you were saying?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well.

Okay.

So now it's the next day.

They're sneaking through the woods and the greatest tracker in all the world is trying to track down the monster.

So they have him see like a whole damn tree snapped in half

where he's like oh i might have gone through

and then it's torn off fucking hand i'm like do any of the clues not have a yellow goddamn arrow above them

the hand might as well be pointing in the direction of the bone devil it's so good well and then apparently they realize that they're like well and then have him like smell some dirt or something so they know he's like really Really tracking it.

I wanted him to like because often and this is what they do in this they'll grab a bit of blood and they'll smell the the blood and then they'll taste it.

I was hoping he was going to lick the end of the hand just to be like, okay, is this what this is a hand on?

No, it's a human.

Human.

It's a hand.

No, I was right the first time.

Yeah.

Dips his finger into the finger.

So

they come across the clearing where the last group of guys fought the bone devil.

It's night now.

Yeah.

Apparently they wanted to make sure they could fight the bone devil at night.

They could have established at some point, oh, the bone devil only comes out at night.

We have have to fight him at night or whatever they didn't it's just that their costume looks so fucking bad they can't do this during the day

and then the guy with the wig is the first guy to get killed yes then his fucking wig like goes sideways on his head as he falls yep that's how hard he gets hit

yep yep

so they certain they circle up you know and and there's too many of them to circle so there's so there's a they're making this huge 17 guy circle well 16 because wig is dead now and all of a sudden like you know guy 13 is just like, I'm sick of your rules.

I'm going to go over here and fight the bad guy.

Well, that's a terrible idea, man.

Why would you do that?

Yeah.

He gets his ass kicked real fast.

Yes, he does.

Yeah, right.

Right.

So then, so they, so they start one at a time in the bone devil, right?

They start fighting him.

Yeah, sure.

Guy seven dies.

I write in my nose.

Not guy seven,

but he was the one with the daughter, right?

He's the Japanese guy.

So when he dies, oh, no.

What does he say, Noah?

Hey, Noah.

What does he say?

Hey, Noah.

Sorry, real quick.

What does he say?

What does the Japanese person say when he dies?

He might as well say, Domo, Erigato, Mr.

Roboto, right?

He goes, his dying words, which are printed on the screen in a different font from everything else.

Different font, fantasy Japanese font.

Only subtitles we get the entire film.

Right.

It just says, he goes, Ericato.

Sayonara.

Yep.

I shit you nut.

It was outstanding.

Tefin Lewy Rewind Royalty.

Yeah, absolutely.

But ultimately, the good guys, they kill the bone devil.

Lady John cuts off its head by stabbing it in the balls somehow.

The editing is so bad in this fight scene.

It's terrible.

And what I love, too, is as the guy's dead or dying on the ground, it might have been before he said Erigato.

It might have been afterwards, but they're all like, several of them are sort of doing like the wake viewing where they're like stopping on the ground to like hug their dead friend as he died.

And then they jump back into the fight real quick and then another person's like okay it's my turn all right yeah

sorry the bone devil gets down with him

so and then we so but they kill the the bone demon and we cut back to the peanut gallery the the group of thieves that's being told this movie and they're like oh well we're just here to have the run time obviously right

What else could we possibly be doing here?

Yeah, yeah.

And like, again, as Eli said, they're roasting the movie at this point.

They're like, well, that's kind of anticlimactic, isn't it?

You would have thought with a big fight with a bone devil, you guys would have done a little bit more.

I have to be clear.

That's not Noah doing a joke.

No, they say the words.

That was kind of anticlimactic, wasn't it?

And I was like, well, if you're going to do my job, do I do the around the fire burning movie?

Too good.

So, but then they're like, but wait, that can't be the end of the movie.

You haven't told us why you're missing that eye yet, right?

There's more to the story.

And he's like, well, yeah, no, obviously, there's more to the, we're only 45 minutes into it.

But the thing with the eye, you're going to find out it's actually a pretty lame.

It's okay.

Like the dagger.

It's the dagger and the eye are the two draws.

They're the two things that get revealed and you're not going to like either one of them.

You ever tell, you're like, you come home and you're mad about something and you tell your wife and then you're realizing as you're telling the story that you're the villain.

Yes.

Because you suck.

And so you have to be like, anyways, I didn't tell you enough.

I was nine the first time I saw a Batman comic scene.

You just tried add sympathy.

That's what he's doing around the campfire.

Right.

So, okay, so we doodally do from there into a feast that the king threw for them to celebrate their victory over the bone demon, right?

And this is K-Sorbs comes back and we're like, oh, okay, so this isn't the last, that wasn't the last we'll see of K-Sorbs.

It, you know, like I said, it was the last we saw of Eric Roberts, though.

Okay.

I have to talk about the construction of this scene because I think I went into some kind of psychotic fugue state.

Here's how I would describe this scene.

Kevin Sorbo, the war hero, is telling a story of him and the kings conquering, and everyone in the room is giving him notes.

That's exactly it.

Yeah, and they try to

like make this into a bit.

They do it again in the very next scene, right?

Where apparently like they're trying to make a comedy beat of, you know, Kevin Sorbo keeps trying to tell his war stories, but he's really bad at telling stories.

But again, but but it becomes meta again, right?

It's just like this window into this fucking writer's universe where he's like, telling stories is fucking hard, okay?

Everybody's always trying to tell you how to make the stories better, isn't it?

This isn't

relatable, isn't it?

What does that mean, middle?

Middle's all the parts except the end.

How would I know when it's over?

It seriously felt like they were workshopping a story for like a creative writing 101.

Yes.

And all those people are sitting around giving him feedback the whole time.

It amazing.

And he's really bad.

I don't know if it's, it's just, I mean, maybe he was, maybe Kevin Sorbo, benefit of the doubt, was just acting like he's really bad at it, but he really seemed like he was really bad at it.

Yeah, right.

No, that's not.

I feel like he was telling a story from the set of Hercules and they just caught this on camera and they were like, open it in the movie.

So, okay, so, but then like Lady Melania comes in to show her appreciation.

Lady John realizes that, you know, for as long as they've been trying to kill this bone devil, he sure didn't have a lot of scars on him.

Yeah.

Wow.

It might come back.

Also, just one other thing I have to point out about this scene, because it's one of my favorite things to see in films.

It's rare, but occasionally, when they feed extras, the extras are actually being fed.

And that's never been more obvious than it is in this scene.

There is this one girl.

She's my fucking hero who's just like, man, we got everything that they had at Old Country Kitchen.

We get like a big

bit.

And they think we can have seconds or thirds or whatever we want so what there is a whole dramatic scene happening i'm not kidding you less than a foot from her face and she is grinning ear to ear as she bites into her second country baked biscuit so

so okay so then they we we cut to k sorbs telling more warship we like get the same fucking scene again right of him like fucking fucking up his story yeah i think they forgot they did this scene already right yeah something like that they were like they they get to the edit and they're like there's no way to cut the one without the other, man, or something.

Yeah.

So, but he does this to the point where he just is like, okay, yada, yada, yada, yada, yada.

The story ended anyway.

He does.

He totally yadas it.

So then Lady Melania comes and she wants to see K-Sorbs.

So he gets up.

We realize the actor and not the character is very inebriated.

And we have to, I want to talk about something that makes me very happy.

When they walk out of the scene, there's an extra who literally just turns to everyone and goes, I liked this scene of the movie.

Yeah, right.

No, I have a speaking line now, too.

I was in this one.

Hi, mom.

So,

meanwhile, guy 11 and guy 12 are flirting with Princess Monster Hunter, but she wants to know more about Guy 3, and that is, of course, Lady John.

Yeah.

So, what's your buddy's

dick-like sense?

So, but, and then we also get the younger princess.

She's introducing guy one

and lady three

to the princess, to older princess, right?

Where she delivers this amazing line.

And I've, I've had to, I'm imitating her accent, but I think I'm getting this about right.

Congratulations on killing the boon devil.

Spot on.

No.

Okay, so I thought I pretty much had that.

Yeah, you got it.

You got it.

Okay.

And so, but then

her and Lady John start talking, and she decides that she wants to challenge Lady John to a sword fight.

Done, done, done.

She has real, like, you know how like Marjorie Taylor Green looks when she thinks she's like doing a gotcha about trans people?

That's the vibe of this scene.

All right, well, promising a sword fight in the next scene is the closest thing this movie will ever get to building suspense.

So we're going to take a break here.

But first, let me give Act 3 the hard sell.

Will Princess Monster Hunter and Lady John roll D20s to see who wins the sword fight?

Will someone in this movie try to sell us overcooked turkey legs?

Will Cecil manage to contain his sword rage for the remainder of the episode?

No.

Find out the answers to the other questions.

Now you've spoiled that one.

But the other two we'll find out when we return for the rinse-repeat conclusion of

Devil's Night.

But with a K.

Hey, thanks for agreeing to do the live show plug with us, Cecil.

Yeah, no problem.

You guys are going to Portland?

Yeah, and there's only like 50 tickets left.

Amazing, guys.

Good for you.

That's awesome.

Yeah.

All right.

Here you go.

Right here.

Okay, I'm the pink lines.

Yeah.

Okay, here we go.

Hey, knuckle fuckers.

Wait, what?

Why am I starting that way?

Well, keep reading.

It'll be obvious.

Yeah, again.

Hey, Knuckle Fuckers.

It's me, Cecil.

Me and Tom heard these cock gobblers are

having a live show in Portland on May 24th, but bad news, Twig suckers, Twig suckers, wait.

You got to let it flow.

If you let it flow, it'll all.

Yeah.

Every ticket you don't buy, Tom and I are going to buy and donate to a literal Nazi.

Dude, what?

Cecil, please.

That's right.

Heavily armed Nazis will be at the Portland show unless you buy all the tickets.

I am not kidding.

I am Cecil.

Guys, I'm not going to do this.

I'm sorry.

You heard him, folks.

Head to GodAwfulMoviesLive.com and get your tickets today because every ticket you don't buy, Tom and Cecil will buy for a literal Nazi.

Our health and well-being is at stake.

Godawful MoviesLive dot com.

Just do a normal thing like one time.

No.

No.

With this venom, a man can be paralyzed while still feeling everything.

Oh, you don't say, my lord.

Go, shall

say.

Duchess, what a pleasure.

Sa, dalango, panong the sword.

Sorry, didn't quite get that.

Hanang the sword.

Something s s sword?

Yeah, no, no, I'm getting sword.

Sword, definitely.

To mock me, no, that's that's different than last time.

I think she's mad.

Such insolence.

Nice, nice.

Yeah, I got that one.

Join the mang.

Such a non-go quiet bear just on deu.

Jewel mijo present de dina de sou or

again all I'm getting is sword

or

sword

no now you're just adding consonants

And we're back for still more of this delightful bullshit and we're gonna rejoin the action panning over a castle model made from poster board

They have a castle.

There's a real castle, but like clearly there's a fucking waffle house behind it or something like that.

They can't get an aerial of it.

So they've got this poster board casual and they put like two light bulbs in it.

They're like, no, it's all lit up.

Definitely light bulbs.

Yeah, 100%.

The music is bagpipes, but we cut over to a drum and a lute.

Right, yeah.

Yep.

And so the crowds gather around for the big sword fight between Lady Monster Hunter and Lady John.

At this point, Redbeard turns to Lady Monster Hunter and he's like, hey, you know, I have a cheat code in the form of this poison-tipped dagger that this movie's ostensibly about, right?

And she's like, no,

I don't need it now.

He's like, are you sure?

Because

that would make this whole part of the movie pointless.

Why would he be telling this part?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Also, did you guys see Tiny Crown?

Yes.

So, podcast listener, what happened is in the first three quarters of the movie, the king is wearing a crown that fits him.

And in between takes, he lost it.

So for the rest of the movie, he will be wearing very clearly the crown that the princess was wearing in the earlier scenes, but it doesn't fit.

It's too small.

So it just rests on top of his head like a little king fascinator.

I talk about it.

The rest of my notes for the rest of the film are tiny crown, tiny crown, crown so tiny.

It's so hard because there's so much to distract you from what's actually happening in the movie.

Like at this point in the movie, we've got this crowd, quote unquote, right, that's all gathering around.

And there are two people going, woo, yeah, trying to sound like a big crowd of people.

There's only two voices.

It feels worse than nothing.

What's great is that some of them understand they're supposed to do Renaissance cheering.

Right.

Some of them are doing normal, modern sports cheering.

Fuck them up.

Yeah, right.

Put them in a body bag.

I say, princess, demonstrate your skill get them.

Yeah, right, right.

Rules.

Defense.

So

pitchers got a big bullet.

So yeah, so okay, so the sword fight starts.

And once again, as I write into my notes, how's their technique here, Cecil?

Princess Monster Hunter just sort of ineffectually taps the other lady's sword.

Like, I don't even know what she was doing.

She just like throws like a, like a kind of a, it's like a half beat, but it doesn't, she's completely out of rage.

It doesn't make any sense.

But I do want to point everybody, I got to admit that they're fighting.

The one, the lady of the castle is fighting single sword

and lady monster hunter is fighting sword and buckler.

And listeners, I own the same buckler.

Oh, you mean the Mortal Kombat guy's hat?

The Mortal Kombat guy's hat with you?

I saw the same buckler.

And I took a picture of it and I put it in the notes.

I saw that.

I saw that.

I do see that.

Same buckler, guys.

I'm in the same.

It's probably cooler than it looks in the picture.

We probably have the same armor.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Between us.

I actually have this buckler, too.

I call it a walk, and I use it for like fried rice and stuff.

I don't know.

It's cool to see guys.

Yeah, no, they definitely use it.

Yeah.

So, yeah, so they start sword fighting.

And at first, Princess Monster Hunter wins long enough to reveal that Lady John is actually a lady.

Dun done, done done.

To be clear, when they announce the fight, they say we're going to fight till first blood.

And Princess Sarah Huckabee Sanders gets first blood, and then they just keep fighting.

Yes, no, they're going to keep doing this.

Yeah.

Yeah.

100%.

Well, so she reveals she's a lady.

By the way, by taking her helmet off, and she's got this gigantic mop of hair, right?

And the crowd all gasped and they're like, that was a lady the whole time.

And nobody noticed until right now, guys.

None of her.

45 compatriot monster hunters knew that she was a lady except for her dad.

And they're all kind of like kicking the ground.

They're like, oh man,

this really puts me in an awkward situation.

I don't know that I like this.

Yeah, right, right.

But yeah, but the fight goes on, and we know that Lady John is serious now because she does a couple of sword figure eights.

Which Cecil will tell you powers up the sword.

Yeah, 100% powers up.

She Vaders a couple times.

It's pretty great, actually.

Yeah.

I wrote my notes here and I bolded it, underlined it, and put it in all caps.

We are torturing Cecil right now.

Yeah,

it was something else.

It was definitely something else.

Yeah.

They actually, be honest, though, this scene was probably shot better than most of the other ones.

It's terrible choreography, but at least the edits cover up a lot of the slop.

The monster stuff is so bad in this, it's laughable.

At least this kind of quasi looks like it, but it's still pretty bad.

Although, Cecil, did you see the part where they go close up on the blades of the swords and you can see where they're all chipped up because they're actually using fucking swords to do something working them together.

Yeah, these are stage swords, man.

100%.

Good.

Yeah.

So, yeah.

But then ultimately, Lady John wins, and Sarah Huckabee Sanders is so mad that she grabs the poison tip dagger and tries to kill Lady John with it.

Lady John, you know, gets does some wrist control and accidentally stabs

and accidentally

murders her.

Yes, murders, Princess.

Well, to be fair, she didn't know that the tip was poison, right?

She thought she was just regular stabbing her in the heart.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

I mean, how would you know that it has hook beast poison on it?

No, right.

They don't learn.

It's in that gentle parenting book.

You're allowed to stab them with their own dagger.

Right.

No, absolutely.

The best line in this whole thing, though, is when they're fighting and then

the buckler punch, there's a buckler punch.

The lady falls down.

The sort of princess falls down.

And the monster hunter lady is sort of declared the winner.

Now, this is right before she stabs her with the dagger, but she's declared the winner.

And one of these ladies is leaning up against the pole and she goes, Bravo, I was not expecting that.

And I was like, that's an amazing line.

That's so good.

Again, I am surprised by the outcome of this sword fight.

What an interesting twist.

And then, yeah, I'm from Oswego, New York.

And then we get this king, the guy who looked at Lady Melania and thought, nah, I'm not that level with my accent work.

That guy has to do the my daughter is dying level of acting, and it goes great.

It's very good.

They leave such a long pause where he's supposed to be like acting, and you see the actors just sort of standing behind him.

I wanted them to be like,

well, we should probably head out.

Yeah, so that's a no.

Time to go.

Is there a room where the coats are on a bed?

Get a room where we can go get the coats.

Yeah, so he, and the king goes, like, throw them all in the dungeon.

And K-Storms is like, are you sure?

Because, like, it was totally, it was her dagger.

It's totally fair.

Daughter murderer there, right?

And they outnumber us 44.

Well, that's the other thing.

Yeah, right.

Yeah.

There's three of us.

They outnumber the whole kingdom.

Right.

Yeah.

But, but he begrudgingly follows the king's order, right?

So, okay.

So now we cut to the lost blades in the dungeon, and they're all mad at him.

They're like, how did you not tell us that Lady John was a woman?

And he's like, how the fuck did you not know?

It's so clear.

It's so obvious to everybody.

They're like passing around a speaking stick.

So, I

oh boy.

Okay.

I'm trying not to cry.

I feel

like you betrayed my trust when you snuck a lady daughter into our in future.

I would like you.

Oh boy.

You know what?

I'm not ready.

I'm not ready.

Someone else take the speaking chamber pop.

And Lady John's French accent, which we somehow have not talked about.

It almost gets lost in the sea of bad accents, but it's probably the worst accent in the entire movie.

And it's getting worse,

right?

Like, she's like, she's ramping up.

Yeah.

Yeah, right.

I wanted her to drop it when they knew she wasn't a man anymore.

She could be like, oh, thank God.

Anyways, how's it going?

Yeah.

I'm crystal.

So then we cut outside, and there's like a lynch mob that's shown up that all wants to kill the

lost swords for killing the daughter, the princess, right?

And

when we see this, we get the sounds of like crowds of hundreds of people.

Yeah.

But there's 11 people.

But there are fours of them.

So yeah.

Right.

So that's the thing.

This whole movie, there's always like either way too many people or way too few people at all fucking times in this movie.

There's never the proper number of goddamn people at any point.

And Kevin breaks this whole scene open, right?

So I have always had the thought in these movies when there's a crowd outside that want to kill the overpowered heroes, why don't you just let them through?

The heroes would obviously just kill them all.

And so that's what Kevin Sorbo does.

He's like, yeah, no good in there.

Go on, go let the superpowerful warriors, all 98 of them out of their cell.

And they're like, well,

well, now we chicken out.

Don't we?

Yeah, right, right.

Yeah, so they're like, all right, well, no, no.

The best part, though, the best part though is they made Kevin Sorbo say that the lady John was the the best sword fighter in the kingdom.

They made his character in this movie admit that a woman fighter is the best in the kingdom.

Oh shit.

Yeah.

Go woke up.

So I just want to say way to go woke.

Yeah.

Kevin Sorbo.

Nope, God's not dead 74 for you.

So he heads out for to get reinforcements.

Then we cut back to Redbeard.

He's torturing the frog clops again.

I wanted him to be talking to the frog clops about work drama.

And then she was like, I'm not going to use the dagger, but then she turns around and uses it.

And it's how she dies.

So I feel like that's going to come back on me.

No, you're right.

You're right.

I do need to learn to like say things early, but I'm a people pleaser.

No, it's not.

It's, it's a, it's from my mom.

Like it comes from a, I've told you all this.

Are you going to escape and snap my neck?

Yeah.

Yeah, right, right.

Yeah.

So, okay, so Lady Melania comes in to get mad at him and she catches him torturing the frog clops.

And And she's like, Wait, you torture frog clopsis in here?

And he's like, I torture fucking frog clopses.

Where I torture fucking frogs is none of your goddamn business.

That's what I do.

You were actually earlier in this room with the frog clops.

I know you forgot.

So, but then he's, but he's heard enough of her bullshit, so he kills her.

And then her daughter runs up and's like, Mama, no.

And we're like, who the fuck is her daughter?

Have we met this character yet?

One time.

One single time.

And they killed the daughter off screen, which is such a weird line for these people to draw yeah yeah the yeah take the daughter away yeah who was in this writer's room or director's room and was like and guys i think we could all agree that it would be a little bit disfaceful if we fake kill the princess on screen so right before the ninja turtle rhino escapes and starts smooshing people's heads together yes yeah

we should do a nice tasteful funk kill of her in an off-screen moment am i right yeah i think we all agree here right yeah because during the commotion here, the frog clops escapes.

Did anybody catch how?

I don't know.

It just stands up.

He's actually always been able to get out.

He's just a mess.

He's kind of been into the standing club the whole time, right?

He's like, yeah.

No, do it slower, Redbeard.

Yeah, they don't speak Frog Klops, but he's just been like, do my Cloaca, do my Cloaca the whole time.

So the Frog Klops, he escapes.

He kills Redbeard off-screen.

And we're like, isn't Redbeard the main bad guy?

There's 20 fucking minutes in this thing, right?

Anymore.

Now it's the fucking frog clops.

Yeah, well, right, yeah.

So then, yeah, so he goes rampaging through the castle, yeah.

And this thing is fucking running through the castle.

And this is my favorite choreography of the movie because it's these fucking frog clops is beating people up like it owes them money.

Yeah, he's like slamming heads against the wall.

He's like punching people in the stomach.

He's like stomping on their foot.

He's kicking them out.

It's an amazing dude.

It's so good.

Truly,

it is just that fight where Bam Marghera fought those guys at that truck stop, but in a rubber suit.

Almost moment for moment.

It's so fucking good.

It's amazing, dude.

And there's this great moment where the fucking guards run out to the courtyard and they're like, run for your lives.

And there's these three passersby that are like, so what do you suppose you meant by that?

She literally says, that's a strange thing to say.

Yes, that is peculiar.

What a peculiar thing to say.

Yeah.

So, and then bloody guards come out and the monster comes out and one of the ladies screams stupidly and we get some more of Cecil's best words, some more of the neck blood.

It's so many more blood packs here.

There's like five of them that are going up.

It's amazing.

Oh, they're just squooshing by at a certain point.

Yeah.

They also, I don't know when, but they bought fake intestines.

Sometime in between the last scene and this one, because for the rest of the movie, a monster will also grab intestines out of at least one person in every scene.

And it's the same same intestines it's the same over and over again dirty same dirty it's got carpet lint on it yeah no and listen remember remember the wacky wall walkers like after you used them seven or eight times yeah exactly that lady's biscuit is stuck to the end of it yeah

it's insane this is also When Sorbo, because like Sorbo's on the ground and one of his, like a couple of his guys are starting to move away and run away.

And Sorbo gives his Friday night light speech.

He's like, you know, you signed up for this and we got to sometimes lay our lives down.

He's like, so I want you guys to get in there and I want you to give it hell.

And you guys go take care and kill that thing for coach.

I'm going to go hit the shower.

I'm going to be easy.

Yes, I'm going to run away and go find something else to do.

You guys go take care of it.

And then they both just go get killed by the goddamn kids.

And they just immediately die.

They mean it dies so fast.

He's like, he like kills one of them.

And then he just starts punching the other one in the face.

He's like, where's my money, motherfucker?

where's my money and it's like and you're and then servo's like well i'm just gonna go away now for a little bit well and i just we should we have to point out that at this point like there is no indication that the movie is aware of how funny that is right like the movie does not seem to be like because they look that was just like a tongue-in-cheek oh he's a very cowardly character but he's not supposed to be yeah right he's supposed to be like a hero yeah yeah so meanwhile okay so the the king is looking at the dagger that this is ostensibly about, the one that killed his daughter, right?

And Kay Sorbs comes in and he delivers this amazing goddamn line, the one that I would argue is the best of the entire movie.

He goes,

we have a monster loose in the castle.

And guys, he delivers it with all of the, this is what my career is, self-awareness that we just dream of Kevin Sorbo delivering a line with.

It's amazing.

So we come back outside.

This one lady just walks up and smacks the frog clops.

So he pulls her intestines out.

And isn't this the part two where they reintroduce the king's brother so they can have a little bit of conflict before the end of the movie for no reason?

And

that's the king's brother's like, hello, it's me again.

You know, I've been thinking about that time.

I have said, oh, got killed by a monster.

All right, sorry.

Oh, crap.

I thought the movie might still be about our relationship.

So and then we cut to Chekhov's comic relief over here, the guy who is like obviously supposed to be the court gesture, but never did a funny at any fucking point in the movie.

And then he dies.

The monster kills him too.

Yeah, he sacrifices himself.

Yep.

Like to save the little, like, like, I guess the princess.

The princess is monster's coming at him.

Dude has already been like, his blood pack's already out.

Yeah.

And he's on the ground.

And the monster is sort of walking over.

He's like, does this bitch got some money?

And he starts walking over to her.

And then that's when he screams out something like, I laugh when they torture you.

And then he comes running away.

And then the girl, who doesn't realize he's doing that so she can run away, just stands there and screams for a whole minute.

Right.

And he's like, well, God damn it.

Yeah.

This is you.

Jesus.

I did this for nothing.

And so, okay, so while this was all going on, we skipped over this because this movie is so stupid.

We had to, but the

good guys escape from their dungeon during all of this, right?

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

The bone monster kills the guard that that's guarding them and they, he drops the keys near them.

So they escape.

And so this, they're running.

They're leaving, right?

They're like, oh, monster and stuff.

Fox, fucking.

He says shit.

We're not getting paid for this one.

No, I got to go level up before I take this thing on.

Yeah, I'm definitely going to go out.

Yeah, right.

No, he's level 11.

I'm just six.

We're going to fight a couple of very small frog clops outside.

Yeah, exactly.

So, and then they were leaving, and then the fucking bone devil shows up because that suit was too expensive for them to stop using halfway through the fucking movie.

This is where the bone devil rips that dude's face off.

Yeah, yeah.

And he also pulls out the same guts he used in the last suit.

Well, yeah, because the frog clops, he's like, if the frog clops gets to do intestines, I get to do intestines, guys.

I do too.

Yeah.

So we see that again.

And then we cut to now, I guess the king is fighting frog clops, right?

And apparently, Kevin Sorbo's job is to stand like close to the king, holding his hands over the little princess, going, stay there, stay back.

Yeah.

And watch the king die fighting the frog clops.

Yep.

It felt like a tag team fight.

Like he, he couldn't go in until he actually got tagged by the king.

Interesting.

You know, he's standing there.

He's got his, he's reaching in.

He's on the rope and he's reaching in, but the king can't get him because the frog klops has like got him in the sleeper hold, you know, for five minutes.

Yeah.

So, yeah, so the, but the frog clops kills the king.

So Kevin Sorbo picks up his, his sword.

And he's, he's like doing this pose that's clearly like, they're going to probably put this one on the cover.

Right.

Here is the cover.

100 the cover yeah so he and while and this is amazing again i have to remind the audience that this movie is not doing this in a self-aware way right while he's posing for the fucking cover of the dvd

the daughter the young daughter sneaks up behind the frog clops and stabs him with the poison dagger Yeah, work smarter, not harder.

Smart, I'm telling you, man.

It's weird that the poison from the horn beast works on the horn beast.

You wouldn't think that it would.

Yeah.

I hate to be the guy who finds plot holes, but that one did occur to me.

Maybe they left it out at room temperature for a while and then it went back in.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, bacteria.

And embolism.

Well, and then again,

I don't think they were trying to make Kevin Sorbo into a cowardly character again, but he's been stabbed by a poison that paralyzes him.

So then Kevin Sorbo stabs him a bunch of times and goes, got him.

Got him.

Yeah.

Well,

all right, little lady.

Fucking chew.

Wait, what?

Cut that part.

That's not in the lines.

Just keep the part where I stood there with the sword.

Yeah.

Eric's throwing up in my car.

Hard.

Hard

with his whole, with his whole body.

So, okay, so then we cut to our good guys.

They're now running away from the castle where they know there to be a rampaging frog clops and bone devil.

Right.

That's the tag team.

That's the other tag team.

Yeah, right.

Exactly.

Well, the frog clops is dead now, but they don't know that.

Well, yeah, we didn't know.

He got hit with a chair.

Right.

So, yeah, but they're running away and the bone devil shows back up.

And guy number two, Lady John's dad, he stops and he goes, you go on.

I will fight him on the bridge.

And they're like, well, you're just totally going to get killed.

And he's like, no, I'm not.

And then he totally gets killed.

Shouldn't we all stop and fight him together since we're all going to fight him eventually?

And he's like, no, I want to do this one solo.

Okay.

I have to talk about the moment the bone devil kills him because the bone devil grabs his throat

and then he grabs the bone devil's throat and the bone devil looks at him like that's nothing.

That's not, I'm a bone devil.

I'm made of bone.

I'm a bad bones that's covering that whole area.

What would that even be?

You sure?

I'm not kidding you.

I thought maybe I was getting you the way, because this hurts.

Hold up, let me move my thumb a little bit.

I'm moving it up.

I'm moving it up.

Nope.

How about down?

Down.

Nope.

Catch it out.

Over to the side.

Nothing.

Vulcan.

Where is your Adam's apple?

And he starts tapping on his neck to see where it is.

It's like he's trying to find a stud.

I'm going to ticker you.

I'm going to ticker you.

Okay.

So, yeah, so he's like, so he kills them.

He kills the dad.

And everybody's like, run away.

Be as cowardly as possible throughout every part of this movie.

And they're like, okay.

All right.

Yep.

So then.

And oh, by the way, we should point out that like while the fucking guy, the bone devil is strangling the dude, the plastic finger on the costume, one of them is bent all the way backwards.

backwards

and it's just wiggling around like a wacky waving inflatable flailing arm, flailing tube man.

Yeah.

Oh, it's outstanding.

Yeah.

So, okay.

So now it's the next day, and a couple of the survivor good guys, because most of them got killed by the bone devil at this point.

A couple of them are sneaking through the woods, right?

The number of guys and witch guys keeps fucking changing.

It sure does.

Right?

Because like, but apparently, like, six of them are still alive, but we're only seeing two of them at a time.

And we're like, what are we watching?

Also, what did the bone devil do for 12 hours?

Yeah, right, right, yeah.

Catch up on severance?

Yes.

Okay, I cared the main French guy.

I'm going to go home.

I'm going to see how season two will be now.

Because everyone's talking about it on Reddit, and I'm going to scroll past it, and I'm going to see.

Well, he gets a long rest.

You know, it's a refill.

I know I'm slapping my spell slots back.

Yeah, exactly.

Well, it makes sense now.

So, yeah, but so they sneak around for an entire day because they can't show this costume during the day.

Nope.

They sneak around for the whole day to try to fight him again.

They fight him in the same fucking place he was before.

And I wanted the moment where the tracker guy was like, well, that was a waste of fucking time.

Man, I did the whole thing.

Why did I smell that blood?

I didn't even have to smell it.

So much blood.

I literally.

It's only going to be smelling for like a week now.

Yeah.

And so the bone devil shows up and starts fighting him.

Guy six dies.

I'm like, not guy six.

and this is where sigurd guy one gets his eyes scratched out

yeah right and that's why he had to tell this whole story because if they were like what happened to your eye you'd be like ah scratched by a bone devil yeah demon wolf it's like a minor bone devil i'm not i'm not getting a whole bowl of soup out of scratched by a bone devil right no

And then they pull the exact same guts out of Rob Schneider.

So the exact same guts make another appearance and Rob Schneider goes.

I think that's their fourth appearance.

Yeah.

But ultimately, the team attacks the bone devil and we see the same goddamn fight we've already seen three times in this movie, right?

Because we saw it the first time they fought.

We saw it when they fought in the castle.

We saw it when they fought on the outside of the castle.

And now for a fourth goddamn time, these guys are all going to fight the bone devil and they're going to win.

They always win, too.

Yeah.

Right?

So then, but he gets killed.

And, but, like, obviously he has healing powers.

That was the whole point.

That's why he showed up again anyway, right?

Or was it?

Yeah, or so you think.

Yeah, right.

Wait a minute.

don't spoil it, guys.

Right, right.

So, but Lady John and the fucking bone devil fight again.

This is the fifth fucking time.

Yeah, because it snaps itself up like Jason.

Yes.

And then she decides, well, you know, I know we were using swords and that was working, but what if I do that choke thing dad did?

And we just both go down into the water.

To be clear, she has sword fought this thing four times and won on every occasion.

And she's like, nope, nope, nope.

I'm going to hold him down in the river.

and sacrifice myself.

It's like, really, why wouldn't you just kill him with the sword again?

And then just like cut him into five pieces and keep him in separate boxes or whatever.

I don't know.

There is, there is her.

She falls in.

There's the guy who lost his eye who's still alive.

But there's also Frank is also alive.

And he's standing on the side.

And we never get to know what happens to Frank.

No, no, Chris.

He's just like, hey, you know what?

Frank's just like, no, I just, I wandered on.

I could be a Cooper.

Yeah.

Maybe I could do that.

I don't know, man.

It's less stressful.

Is there another monster hunter band out there?

I can go join them.

I don't know.

So then, so, yeah, so we back out of the doodly-doo.

This is where we've caught up with the story, apparently, now that he's one-eyed.

And they're not, and then they're like, Well,

was that how the story ends?

That's not a very good end.

And he's like, It's the best, it's the best one I've got.

What if I told you it was the mother?

Yes.

And they're like, what possible indications would we or anyone who has been following the story have of that?

And he goes, or you.

The thing about mothers is

they never give up.

And then the bone devil attacks everybody.

Right.

And kills everybody in this circle.

Which implies he cued the bone devil.

When I say this, you jump down and you kill him, okay?

So what I concluded from this, and feel free to argue, Gak, is that him and the bone devil

resolved their differences and now go throughout the countryside.

He tells the story, gets a free bowl of soup.

Then, when there's a dramatically tense moment,

he's like, The thing about bone, when I say bone, you say devil, and you bone.

And then she comes in and kills everybody.

I think this is a romantic comedy.

They hashed it out in front of a bonfire, they pass that speak and stick back and forth.

Okay, figured it out.

I wanted like an interview with them, like the end of Harry Met Sally, and

ever since.

So, yeah, so, but yeah, then the, like, everybody gets killed, and Sigurd stands up and he pulls out his sword.

The music kicks in, and it's time for them to battle one last time,

and the movie ends.

The movie's over.

The movie ends in the middle of the final battle.

So, this movie, this movie that has desperately padded its runtime, right, to get to an hour and 26 minutes was like, you cannot possibly care about seeing this guy fight this monster again.

Just you get it.

Yeah, you guys saw this five other times.

You're good.

You get it.

You're okay.

You know what happens.

Bone devil.

Yeah.

And then the last, the very last scene, because they do a little bit of like bone devil music.

It's like a devil's night song.

And they do this bone devil music.

It's the song is like, watching you, watching me, watching you, watching me, watching.

And it's like really, really terrible.

And then they cut back and it's the red beard guy is alive, but he's covered in poop.

So I don't know what that is.

I don't know why.

And then he hears a bear scream, which is clearly a bear.

And then he turns his head.

And then that's the actual end of the movie.

So I don't know if you guys got that far.

You must not have followed through.

I watched all the credits.

So I saw that Redbeard actually did not die.

He must have been thrown down the poop chute and was landed in the poop.

Oh, interesting.

So he's he's alive.

It was off screen, like they said.

It was off screen.

Yep.

So Devil's Night 2.

Yes, exactly.

Get ready, everybody.

Part 2.

Fuck yeah.

All right.

Well,

with the promise that if there's a two, Cecil, we will

if we have to break your ass out of prison, we'll be in it.

We will get you back for part two.

Okay, great.

All right.

So that's going to do it for our review of Devil's Night, but that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to tease you one more time.

So, Eli, tell us what's on deck.

Depictions of famous biblical stories, as well as the end times, accompany the overarching plot of a man who continues to avoid church, even as the end of the world looms ever closer.

We'll be watching Tim Ormond's.

Okay, now I'm sold.

All right, I was not at all sold until you got to Tim Ormond.

Okay, the second coming.

Oh, awesome.

All right.

So, with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 500 to a merciful close.

Yeah, there should be some woots and stuff there.

We're not done podcasting.

No.

We're still coming next week.

Yep.

There's still here.

We're going to do another 500 after this one.

Yeah.

So once again, a huge thanks to Cecil for suffering.

I can't even make it sound like we suffered this time for enjoying

Cecil.

Yes, yes.

You're welcome to Cecil.

And once again, be sure to check out the show notes for links to his other shows.

If you haven't checked out the No Rogan Experience yet, the show he does with Michael Marshall, you absolutely should check it out.

It's one of the best podcasts that is currently on your podcast, whatever, catcher, whatever the hell they call it.

Once again, huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go.

If you'd like to count yourself among the Lear ranks, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash Godawful and thereby earn early access to an ad-free version of every episode.

You can also help us a ton by leaving a five-star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms.

And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, The Scathing Atheist Citation Needed DD Minus and The Skeptic, available wherever podcasts live.

If you have questions, comments, and cinematic suggestions, you can know about GodAwfulMovies at gmail.com.

Tim Reyberson takes care of our social media.

Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnick and People People Drafts on Mars.

All the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clerk and was used with permission.

Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heath and Wright and Eli Bosnick.

I'm Neluji's promise to work hard to earn another chunk next week.

Until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club close.

Heroka, in accordance with new administration guidelines, went on to change their rules regarding DEI.

Noah refused to write a breakfast club close because he wants to leave a wide-open slate for the sequel's right.

Bone Devil never did get to tell that guy about his car's extended warranty.

I feel like for this one movie, I should have been one

chill.

So what?

So join.

So what?

Some word.

We should all do this.

We should each do this in a different accent, and we should change accents at each other.

Change accent midstream.

You never change accents midstream.

French to Scottish because I'm angry.

Yeah.

I can't be angry in French.

This content is can-credentialed, which means you can report instances of harassment, abuse, or other harm at their hotline at 617-249-4255 or on their website at creatoraccountability network.org.

The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle in the Thunderstorm LLC, Copyright 2025, all rights reserved.

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And Juliet, the new hit Broadway musical and the most fun you'll have in a theater.

I got the I Go the Top!

Created by the Emmy-winning writer from Schitt's Creek and pop music's number one hitmaker.

And Juliet is exactly what we need right now.

Playing October 7th through 12th at the San Jose Center for the Performing Arts.

Tickets now on sale at BroadwaySanjose.com.

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