474: God's Not Dead: In God We Trust

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David A.

R.

White now does a, what, three and a half, four-minute monologue?

Like, I don't know, man, I started as a kid and I made the Jesus Man movies and then I made a bunch of like kind of family films and now I'm here and you're all Nazis and we weren't Nazis.

I swear we didn't start out as fucking Nazis here.

I'm a Nazi.

Why am I a Nazi, Martin?

Why don't you sound fucking Chinese anymore?

Chicuke can't, man.

God awful

movie.

Movie.

Movies.

Welcome back to the Gamcast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema because you don't want boring answers at the high school reunion.

I'm your host, No Illusions, and and sitting 700 miles to my immediate left is my good friend Heath N.

Wright.

Heath, welcome back.

David A.R.

The fuck.

White.

Yeah.

So excited.

David Abigail Robinette White.

Hussain Obama Biden.

The man who inadvertently inspired this show.

And truly.

Sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnick.

Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir?

Fantastic, Noah.

Let's do this thing.

Came full circle, didn't it?

So tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today?

We watched God's Not Dead, whatever the fuck number, United We Stand.

It's the story of accidentally releasing your Christian right propaganda movie with a big debate scene at the end

during the perfect moment of sad, stupid failure by Donald Trump.

It's moi,

perfect.

Every the whole third act is debates.

Yeah, it's so

we could not have forced them as masters of a simulated universe to make a more embarrassing plot for their movie.

Truly, think of, try to think of a thing that we could have forced them to make their movie about that would embarrass them now

more than it does on this particular release weekend that they have chosen.

Two days after the debate, this movie came out for its one day in theaters.

Yeah.

Like winning a hush money trial?

It's not exactly a movie, but it's the concept of a movie.

There you go.

There you go.

And Eli, how bad was this concept of a movie?

Well, if you started following Christians when their obsession with losing debates to us was an adorable quirk that we all had fun laughing at, and now you've watched them descend into fascistic, monstrous ghouls, but you wish you had a movie series to join you on that journey.

You will love it.

We're living breaking Backnee, and we're just watching it for a day.

David A.

R.

White is aging like Christian theocracy.

That's the fucking crazy thing, right?

When we started this show, I just have to point this out.

When we started this show, it was incontrovertible.

that David A.

R.

White was a handsome movie star with bad ideas that we disagreed with.

We are now equally as attractive.

And we've caught up with him.

We've caught up with Kimberly

and everyone else in the movie.

He started looking like a surfer guy, but in this, he looks like that really sad, you know, surf teacher that you get.

It's so rough.

Yeah.

He looks like he got rejected from the Dallas Buyers Club.

Like they were like, no, you're just going to, we're going to need you to ride this one one out.

And of course, this is, this was a field trip.

This is another one of Davey's one night only theatrical releases.

How the mighty have fallen.

So again, if you haven't been on this ride with us, keep in mind, God's Not Dead 1 was a smash hit that.

Every possible media outlet was like, are Christian movies the future of America?

Well, in the wake of that film, like every major studio bought or started their own Christian movie division.

Right.

Yeah.

They were the future of America at that point.

Yes.

And now they're a fathom event with a preview at the beginning that's like, hey, fathom events.

Let's see.

We got anime people.

We got I can't watch a movie made after 1940 or I'll say a slur people and circle within a circle, Christians.

I'll still say one regardless.

Yes.

Oh, God.

There was, as I'm sitting there waiting for the movie to start, this lady comes in with the group and she's speaking at full volume in a theater because so you can tell she's an asshole right away.

And she's going, this was the only time, the only night that one turbo movie had eight showings.

I don't know what the turbo movie was.

Eight?

Here's how the mighty have fallen for me, because I have two theater stories, but here's how the mighty have fallen for me.

I sat down in my seat at the theater and an usher came in and he said, hey, man, you're in the wrong theater.

And I was like, oh, no, I'm here to see God's not dead and he's like no you aren't nobody bought tickets to this movie and i was like oh um

so i review christian movies but i don't like to give them money so i bought tickets to the movie next door and i'm sneaking into this one yeah and the usher who works at this theater for a living looked at me and went fuck yeah brother and then walked out of the theater

also you're not in an argument about cell phone buttons with your old spouse, so you don't look like you belong.

Yeah, right, right.

Yeah, exactly.

So I should say my theater was fucking packed for this one.

Oh, goddammit.

Yeah.

All right.

So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best and being the worst at?

Yeah, I'm going to go with best, best.

David Arrow White's ex-wife being in the movie.

I was fucking furious about it.

Very clearly.

Oh, right.

Cause she owns half of the divorce.

Yes, the divorce.

Clearly, she still has, she has half the production company.

She's like, I'm in the fucking movie.

Deal with it.

So you have to see her on set.

It's awesome.

If there are any law students in our audience or honestly practicing lawyers and you need the best, I'll say it, the platonic example of the words contractually obligated, it is David A.R.

White's ex-wife's performance in this movie.

Just beaming at the camera with like five seconds of silence before her tiny little part that she forced him to do.

Just putting his money into a shredder on film.

All right.

So I was going to go with Best Worst shutting down the Teen Center, right?

Because at the center of this movie, sort of, there's this women's center that's going to get shut down.

And they multiple times they give us reasons why the bad guys are shutting it down.

And there's such good reasons to shut it down.

And they admit that there's a different shelter in the city that this is competing with funds for.

It's just they do so bad.

By the end, I was so angry that the women's shelter was still open.

The teens center has black mold.

We don't want the teens in.

We should definitely bulldoze this.

So you're saying we can't do lines of asbestos no more in this only place.

Yes, I'm religiously persecuting you out of doing lines of asbestos.

Yep.

And I'm going to go with best worst brought to you by.

So I don't know about you guys, but my fathom event was brought to me by the Christian Television Network.

Public Square, who folks who listen to our sister show, Scathing Atheists, will remember, sells largely anti-abortion-themed coffee.

Okay.

I'm on that show.

I didn't remember that.

That's ridiculous.

CPAC

and Patriot Mobile, the Chinese cell phone company for racists.

Oh, I loved it so goddamn much.

All right.

Love it.

Truly.

Well, if it's worth the field trip, it's worth keeping the break short so we're gonna do a quick ad and a quick sketch we'll be back in a minute with all the glorious stupidity of god's not dead nine united we stand or fucking whatever

okay um what about blood they said i have to sell it myself because they just take money really feels like a like an unnecessary middleman unnecessary middleman that's what i said thank you hey guys what you doing eli's trying to get the new phones they just announced one of them so bad Seriously, Eli, your old phone is fine.

No, it's not.

It's not the new one.

It's just so expensive, you know?

And

they don't take blood.

Did you know they don't take blood?

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Oh, what's

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Turns out it really is that easy to get $15 a month.

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I don't know, Noah.

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All right.

I guess I don't need to sell my blood after all.

Or that other donation place thing you were doing.

Nah, they already said I could only do my own anyways.

Whose

did you have?

I don't want to talk about it.

Sure.

Hi, podcast listener.

I'm Eli Bosnick.

I'm Heath Henright.

And I'm No Illusions.

You know, with so many branded versions of products out there, like the ones that brought us this movie, why don't we here at Puzzle in a Thunderstorm get in on the action?

There's branded coffee, branded vitamins, and even branded cell phone coverage.

Now, of course, we could start a coffee company or something, but that seems hard.

It sure does, Eli.

Which is why we're proud to introduce mystupidmarkup.com.

At mystupidmarkup.com, you can purchase the everyday essentials you need for your home, branded to your specific interest.

Bottled water?

More like god-awful movies water, am I right?

But with mystupidmarkup.com, you can take it even further.

Why settle for atheist coffee when you can buy atheist coffee for Mike Green, who lives in Bethel, New Hampshire.

Wow, that's so personal.

And the best part is with mystupidmarkup.com, there's no new subscriptions to buy or products to sign up for.

You'll just be sent straight to our PayPal, where you can give us money and then continue to buy the same things you already do.

No shipping fees, no waiting.

You just give us your money.

Mystupidmarkup.com.

Because if your cell phone doesn't tell everyone that you are a patriot, you might die.

You might.

We don't don't know,

and we're back for the breakdown, and we're going to start.

Well, we're going to start with Eli's best worst, and then we're going to get to the movie.

And this was a first for me.

I'd never seen this happen.

You know how, like, after Maria Menunos and after the ads and stuff, the like curtains will like open up and give you the wider screen to see the movie on?

This went the other way.

It like shrunk down to TV proportions and shit as I went to watch the movie.

I was like, that's so fucking weird.

We got that the Marvels movie.

What's

We are prepared for the car wash DVD release of this failure.

Okay, yep.

You just hear people yelling about channel three in the back.

I want to cut to the interview.

You remember that guy who was like, if you watch Dune on your phone, you didn't see Dune.

I want David R.

White to come out and be like, if you didn't watch this on a hospital television while you were dying in someone's problematic grandma,

you didn't see God's Not Dead five.

Those countess sold seats beds.

so and then and then we get david ar white thanking us for coming to his stupid movie right practically word for word right because david looks tired

he looks

he's like hey everybody yep we're we did another one his posture has given up at this point he's just like i'm sorta i'm yeah

because here's the thing right whatever happened and we know what happened it was a divorce right but like he was definitely supposed to be rich so that he didn't have to make a fifth fucking God's not dead movie.

But he's like, Yeah, no, did the books, and uh, you know, college is expensive.

So, so, um, sure is, David.

Here we are.

Shut up.

I'm in the movie too.

God damn it, Andrea.

Fuck you.

Fuck you, Andrea.

I never came.

Stay on your half of the set.

Why do we even have the tape line

if you're going to yell over my side of the set?

So, yeah, so, but he delivers his opening thoughts on the movie, which basically could be summarized as he thinks that Christians are way too polite.

Yeah.

You're good, man.

You're good.

I got you, baby.

And then we get a couple of clips of the movie coming up.

Oh, no, sorry.

We get the fucking newsboys, right?

The newsboys come on and the newsboys singer says, and I quote, you know, there's something in these movies for everybody.

Well, I'm like, I mean, only Christians.

Yeah.

What other audiences do you think you're appealing to?

By the way, fun fact, the newsboys have aged just as well as everybody else in the movie.

We caught up with them too.

Which is crazy because when we first met the newsboys, they were 40-year-old divorced dads playing in a garage, but now they're like 70-year-old divorced grandpas.

David A.

R.

White caught up with them.

Yeah, right, right.

So, okay.

So, but then the movie starts.

Oh, we get a little quick clip of Mike Huckabee, so we know that we've got him to look forward to in this movie.

He looks like the haunted chocolatier at this point.

Doesn't he, though?

He looks like, so we never found out what happened with that guy who tries to buy the infinite godslopper Slugworth.

Slughorn.

Oh, there you go.

If we had gotten a part of the movie where we met Slugworth or whatever the fuck his name is.

It's Mike Huckabee.

Yep.

Right.

That'd explain a lot.

My walls don't taste like anything.

The man who massacred the Keebler Elves or whatever.

Yeah, exactly.

So, okay, so then we open the movie.

We open on Exposition News Network explaining that six weeks before the election, the shoe-in candidate that everybody thought was going to win died.

And now the evil bad guy Democrat is running unopposed.

Why you got to do Joe Biden like that?

God of a movie series.

Okay, I didn't catch this part.

I like got into the theater a minute or two after this because an idiot at the front delayed me for so long with my ticket.

I had a ticket on my phone and I didn't have the QR code pop up in the app.

I just had like the receipt pop up in the app and he was like, you got to have the QR code.

And I was like, okay, but what do I do now?

And he's like, I don't know.

You got to have the QR code.

Go to the counter.

Go to the counter.

And they're like, oh, you have to have your credit card that you bought it with.

And you used a business card.

And I happen not to have that in my wallet.

Oh, no.

I don't normally carry that.

So I was like, all right, well, I bought it.

I have like, hey, I have the confirmation number here.

Also, it says right here that you can just show this that I have or show the credit card.

And they were like, I don't understand the word or.

And I was like, no, Jesus.

Christ.

Sir, I'm an employee at a movie theater.

And can I say, as a former employee at a movie theater, I would just have been like, do you know how many drugs are in my system right now, man?

I need you to practice some empathy and understand.

I can't hear you.

Yeah.

No, this guy was like, I don't know what to tell you.

I was like, well, I'm not buying another ticket and paying David A.R.

White money.

That is not happening.

They had to call somebody else over, but I got to miss some movies.

So

you got to miss the movie.

Lucky you.

So I finally walked in and packed theater for me too, by the way.

Packed.

Ah.

In Ypsilanti, Michigan,

there were literally seven.

Jazz scooters parked off to the side.

Amazing.

Yeah, I got to make the time.

Got to make the space.

So here's what you missed, Ethan.

You missed that the incumbent has died and now Ray Wise is running on a post.

And they don't ever say he's a Democrat or the other guy's a Republican.

The movie wants to present itself as being non-biased.

But we do learn.

Right.

And we learn that freedoms and liberties are canceled now because

of this socialist Arkansas Democrat who has all the power.

Yes.

Ray Wise.

So like Joe Biden died.

I don't know why you had to do Joe Biden dirty like that, Pure Flakes, but Joe Biden died.

And so he gives like a gentleman, now that Joe Biden has died, our evil machinations will come true toast to just a random newsroom of

Jews, right?

Is what we're supposed to say.

Yes.

They might as well be like counting out gold bags and kissing.

Well, yeah, he like his actual line here is about how he opposes religious freedom and supports bigger government.

Like, you know, how politicians always come out and say those things on television?

In Arkansas.

In Arkansas.

Yeah.

He says, he actually says, and I quote, religious superstition has no place in government as he runs for Congress in Arkansas.

Yeah.

His toast ends with, here's to reason.

And I just wrote in my notes, here's to reason, the bad guy of this movie.

Yeah.

He'll spend the rest of the movie saying such reasonable things, but bad guy style.

Yeah, but bro.

Bad guy Lee.

Yep.

So then we get a fucking patriotism money shot, right?

Statue of Liberty, Bald Eagle, all of that, along with clips from Davies' heroic speech at the end of the fourth movie.

So it is in order.

It is clips of Davies' speech and JFK's ask not what your country could do for you.

It's pretty much the same speech.

I didn't really notice the difference when they switched.

It's just the one was black and white.

That's the only way you could tell.

And that time that Ronald Reagan was like, we will all die without God.

If we don't have God, we die.

Yep.

So I wrote in my notes, JFK, Ronald Reagan, David A.R.

White, etc.

Also, somehow they all don't belong in the list.

I don't know.

So, also, and I have to point this out because as they're talking, as he's giving his speech about how we're losing freedoms, the little clip that they show is of a kid getting a vaccine.

Yeah.

And someone putting on a mask.

Yes.

Yep.

Yep.

That's where we're at now.

So, and just as I'm writing in my notes, well, this is a weird freedom fever dream.

The title comes up.

God's not dead.

It's not in God's We Trust.

What is it?

What's the United We Stand?

United We Stand.

That's it.

So we get the title, and we're in Senator Daryl Smith's office.

Now, he was the senator from the last movie that helped David A.

R.

White defeat public schools.

Right.

Yeah, I totally remember that.

Yep.

Yeah.

And also he's some of David A.

R.

White's best friends.

Okay.

So he's allowed to senator N-word.

He's really here to say the things that they would like him to say.

Yep.

Yep.

And they start the scene with like an Aaron Sorkin walk and talk is what they're trying to do through this office.

with nobody walking right talking.

It's

so it's just like a camera walking through the office is what we're watching.

It's pretty stupid.

They're like, the hard part of the walk and talk is the walking and talking.

But other than that, we've got this down.

So, yeah, so we're in his office and they're like trying to figure out what to do with this disaster now that the shoe-in candidate has died.

And as everybody else is panicking, Senator Smith is watching the clips from the last movie going, I think I've got an idea.

Yeah.

They might as well have like block quotes in this movie to hit the essay requirement, movie time requirement.

Oh, and I have to throw out this actual line.

One of the guys in the office says, and I quote, well, if the house flips, hello socialism.

Yes.

Also, I want to point this out.

I want to just put a pin in this early.

It's six weeks to the election, right?

They say that six weeks before the election, the other guy died.

They could have made it any amount of time.

I don't even think you can get somebody on the fucking ballot six weeks out or whatever but they could have made it a reasonable amount of time they didn't and that gets sillier and sillier as we get to the debates and whatnot right yeah from the people who brought you stop the steal comes but there's only three minutes until the election right yeah debate me in the next minute okay and instead of debating they're on cnn all of a sudden it's ridiculous we got to talk to hugo chavez about getting him on the debate stage is what we got to do So then, okay.

So then we cut to David A.

R.

White, and he's breaking the news to this young mother.

And you know, she's a mother because she's holding her baby every fucking time we see her.

He's got to break the news to her that the women's shelter is shutting down.

But more importantly, he's breaking the news to us, the movie watcher, that that's what his face looks like.

Okay, let me talk about something.

Let me speak my truth for a moment, if I may.

Okay, let me speak from freedom, from grace.

These close-ups are way,

way too close.

I don't know who he offended on the camera crew.

What he did.

I think maybe Andrea, when she wasn't in front of the camera, was behind it.

Oh, there you go.

Just bumping him.

Yeah.

This is the first.

Hiding the correct lens or whatever.

Yeah.

This is the first of so many shots of his chalky,

aged,

open

pores.

Oh, you can, you can watch Luke Skywalker fly through his pores and submit mosquitoes and shit.

Yeah, it's.

I thought a Sarlaq was going to emerge from one of his pores and eat this lady's baby.

Rough, David.

I'm switching to the jowl filter now, David.

Just keep going.

Keep rolling.

We're good.

So, and okay.

And so what he's telling this woman is that the shelter has to close down because the government funding didn't come through.

And I wrote in my notes, I'm like, oh, so your church is a welfare queen waiting on a government handout is what you're saying?

Yeah, as long as they don't spend a bunch of time later in the movie decrying government spending, this will be a consistent opinion for them to have.

Don't they have a whole bunch of like really generous Christians donating to their center?

It seems like they'd be fine.

No, apparently they need the government.

And also, and

just to undercut the stakes of this, Monica then says, but the city shelters aren't safe.

So they admit, you know, that there are alternatives.

Yeah.

What's more is that they're admitting that this church-run shelter is competing with those alternatives for the available funds.

And they're going to admit really soon that the alternatives don't have asbestos and black mold.

Yes.

Yep.

Yeah.

Later on, they'll say that the women's shelter isn't up to code.

And I'm like, oh, they just got fucking loose wires out.

What the hell?

Well, yeah.

I laughed so when they said it wasn't up to code, I laughed so loud.

I thought that the usher was going to come back in and be like, you have to be cool, though.

Everyone else knows this.

So, yeah.

So, but he tells her the bad news and then he goes back into the church to be sad.

And that's where where Martin the Chinese gentleman from the previous movies shows up to have a quick conversation with him.

Yeah, he's like hey pastor I I hope I'm not blowing this out of proportion, but this is just like when China killed a million people right

he he literally says this is just like the cultural revolution in China.

That is exactly what he says.

So fucking loud at this point, I got in trouble.

This was like, what, six minutes into the movie?

I think

they got in trouble.

They knew you were an interloper.

Yeah.

Well, okay, so we can't pass over this too because this is where he explains why the women's shelter didn't get the funding, right?

He says, yeah, well, you know, they led a Bible study in the middle of the shelter with all of the people who were staying there.

And they're saying, and this is a quote from the movie, and they claim government money was being used for religious purposes.

And quote, it was, though.

But that's what that would be.

Even in your own stupid movie, you had just admitted to doing the thing that you're saying they accused you of doing.

You could lie.

It's

like you could just make up whatever.

Someone was reading the Bible.

A Bible got dropped from a nearby library.

You don't have to do the crime.

The Bible blew in in Tumbleweed.

Sure, that's true.

Yes, yeah, right.

That's all it takes.

But yeah, but that's all it takes for Martin to go like, yep, just like communists.

Just like communist China.

Also, I have to talk about this.

So for those of you who have been with us for the long haul, first of all, thanks for sticking with us.

Second of all, Martin, Martin, when he entered this franchise, was very much a tokenized Asian in the movie series, but Martin's accent isn't really there anymore.

So they very clearly have written a lot of these lines to be said with the accent Martin had 47 years ago when they wrote the first movie.

And he's just like, yeah, this is a lot like communist China.

And you can see David being like,

come on.

Chinese that up a little bit.

Mickey Rooney did it better in the first week.

Really?

I knew we should have hired Mickey for the long office.

So then we get Senator Smith.

He's trying to woo this campaign, this former campaign manager, Lottie, into running Davies' congressional campaign.

But she just can't go back to that life.

That's right.

Right.

I wrote in my notes, she had a politician killed in the ring, damn it.

But we learn here that she has a complicated backstory with Ray Wise's campaign manager, who is played by

Charles in Charge.

Scott the fuck Bayo.

That is correct.

I was so excited.

And they show Scott Bayo for a second in like a newspaper clipping.

He's in a photo.

And you can't do, it's supposed to be like scary because it's like Scott Bayo, your mortal enemy from your backstory that we'll tell you in the next scene.

But you can't do

a scary, ominous photo of fucking Charles in Charge.

Charles in Charge?

Yeah, I know it's really, really hard to pull that one off.

You know what else you can't do?

You can't make Scott Bayo of 2024, the year of our Lord Anno Domini, an infamous seducer of women because he looks like a lizard that someone tells you is about to do a malt.

And he's probably like, don't take any pictures of him right now.

Come back in a week and seduce Scott Bayo.

We'll look great.

My note was, who's this gargoyle?

Oh, Scott fucking Bayo.

Nice.

Yes.

Okay.

I will point out, because we'll talk about it throughout the movie.

Scott Bayo is supposed to be like this smooth operator, right?

Because he's Scott Bayo.

Right.

But it's Scott Bayo from now times.

Well, and it's Scott Bayo from now times with this idiot writer writing his lines, his smooth lines for him.

Yeah.

You guys, hey, you guys remember when Scott Bayo announced he was leaving California and expected California to give a shit?

Oh, God.

You know what it's like?

Who's that guy who plays Fonts?

Henry Winkler.

Remember how Henry Winkler was the Fons, right that would be like if henry winkler was in this movie but he was supposed to be a famous seducer of women and also motorcyclists yes right that would have been much better yeah i would have loved it i'd still henry winkler sure yeah i still do so yeah but lottie is not so sure if she wants to be a campaign manager again so she goes home to think about it she's she's home with her kid you know, weighing saving democracy for Jesus and asking her kid how he would would feel about being written out of the rest of the movie okay I have a question about this kid's performance because this comes up for me over and over again is this kid doing an impersonation of a child's voice

Good question.

Because this,

every time this kid spoke, I was like, that sounds unrealistic for a child.

But it was a child speaking.

It sounded like when they have adults do a child's voice on Cartoon Network.

Yeah.

No, right.

It sounded like a southerner trying to do a southern accent and failing.

Yeah.

So, so, but the kid's good with getting uh written out.

Yeah.

And I have to point this out because it comes back in the most beautiful way.

She's telling him the Midas story for whatever reason.

And he's like, oh.

Would you sell me for a bajillion, bajillion dollars?

And she's like, not for a bajillion, bajillion dollars.

And I know that's just stupid, but I promise, podcast listener, it comes back in the best possible way.

All right.

I missed it.

So I'm looking forward to it.

Oh, God.

I'm so excited.

So, okay.

So then we cut to this fucking hoe down fundraiser for the women's center where everything is hay-based and it's all good old American.

Yeah.

Hey, Andrea, I see that in your contractually obligated two pages of script, you say, David loses a ring cost.

Yeah.

But he has to keep losing.

He has to keep losing is what I said.

Check it again.

Look at the language.

He has to lose for two entire straight minutes.

He's gained of him missing it goddamn i was so happy like i again got in trouble for laughing after the first like eight misses of the ring talk oh i was crying the best i could not see the movie because i was crying with laughter because i promise you i promise you podcast listener he was supposed to not get three or something oh he was supposed to he absolutely just kept failing in real life and they had to rewrite the whole thing

like oh it's funny because he never gets it the under five ring girl.

Cause think about this decision.

He misses three times.

That's all we need is the establishing.

She is no longer an under five by the end of this.

Yeah.

And then she's like, do you want to try again?

And he's like, yeah.

And then he misses again.

It's a stupid smile on his face again.

High eye.

How did you hit your own eye?

But as he's losing at ring toss, Lottie comes up behind him and she's got some life advice that's disguised as ring toss advice, right?

And she wins the ring toss right away, which was I think.

Yeah, yeah.

But she explains that she's there to recruit him to run for Congress,

right?

She says she explains that his opponent, Ray Wise, will hide behind separation of church and state in his effort to murder God.

To separate church and state.

Well, right.

When they say hide behind, they mean recognize the existence of, yeah.

Also, this is just another bad filmmaking thing.

For some reason, they decide that there are waiters at this fundraiser/slash county fair.

So, like a guy comes over and brings them a slice of pie at these picnic tables they're sitting at instead of them just having slices of pie in their hands when they sit down.

We get another round of the possum pie.

And do you have like an 87 Margot back there?

Who was incapable of what space work that they hired a third actor to walk into shot and be like, now there's pie in front of you.

So yeah, but she explains that if Ray Wise wins, the government will stop giving money to churches altogether.

Those are the stakes of the movie.

If the bad guy wins, the First Amendment will be enforced.

Yeah.

And David Arrowwhite points out in this scene, he's like, hey, I'm supposed to be a pastor.

I have no training.

I know nothing about politics.

And she says, the country doesn't need politicians.

I feel like it does, though.

That's why we have them to some degree.

Yeah.

But then she's like, you you know, as a congressman, you could get the funding for the women's shelter that you want.

And I'm like, wow, are you already looking to use your office to steer government funds to an enterprise that you control financially?

Maybe you're a politician after all, Davey.

I think you've got the makings, bud.

Yeah.

And this, it belies the entire job of pastor and reverend that these people believe.

They're like, oh, no, you could.

You can switch people in for jobs, right?

It's just like you just fucking say stuff.

It's so easy.

Yeah.

Right.

Okay.

And then we're going to meet Dean Kane.

So, Dean Kane, he's a real estate developer.

And we know this because, like all real estate developers in movies, he is never more than 11 feet away from a scale model of a project he intends to build.

That's true.

And look, I know we make a lot of fun of people in this movie, but I also want to give credit where credit's due.

I think it's awesome that Dean Kane showed up to set, even though he got stung by all those bees the morning that he was on film.

Oh, I think it's really cool.

He did that.

Dean Kane!

Dedication.

Hey, Dean, what the fuck's going on, bud?

Oh,

yeah.

Podcast listener, here are my notes about Dean Kane.

Who is this Asian gentleman?

Oh my God, it's Dean Kane.

Dean Kane looks like Dean Kane fucked a walrus.

Yes.

That's, yeah.

How did your cheekbones get fat, Dean Kane?

What did you eat?

Did you insert something into your cheekbones

you were superman dean

oh it's been a minute now you look like you're gonna lose a foot to diabetes botox made of nacho cheese yeah truly yes so

but he's a rich financier who's looking for a politician to buy pin in that well don't put it you would explode from all the nacho cheese don't actually just you know the metaphorical pin in that you look like mike huckabee after that yeah

then you end up as the haunted chocolatier.

So then, okay.

So then we cut to Lottie at her hotel.

And damn it if she doesn't run into Scott Bayo.

He's there to nag her.

And I don't know, like, they don't establish why he's there, right?

Why would he be in this small town?

They just need him to be there to nag her for this next scene, I guess.

Well, and he's nagging her and seducing her at the same time, which again, we have the context.

This is Scott Bayo, who used to be handsome.

But I couldn't help but wonder: if you don't know who Scott Bayo is and how he used to look, this scene feels insane, right?

It feels like the actor died on his way to set, and they were like, Holy shit, get this guy from Crafty over there.

He'll just read the line because he looks like he looks like the old dragon that's about to turn into a vial of magic dust they need to take to the new land to bring the dragons back.

Yeah, that's what Scott Bayo looks like.

And Lottie looks like a J.

Jill model or something.

And then there's this like mannequin for fucking, it's so silly.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And he tries to use French to flirt.

It's so dumb.

There's also a weird moment here.

And this is, there's an anti-psychiatry Easter egg in every one of David A.

R.

White's movies.

Hell yeah, there is.

Because there's a moment here where Scott says to Lottie, he goes, like, are you still on those pills?

And she says, I'm not on that medicine anymore.

I don't need that.

Right.

Because needing psychiatric medicine is a, is a weakness in this movie's estimation.

Oh, now she has infinite powers.

Yes.

This character will go on to have like nine panic attacks, by the way, just in case anyone's worrying.

Yeah, absolutely needs that fucking medicine.

Okay.

So then, but Davey calls Senator Smith to talk out his options to see if he should really run for Congress.

Yeah.

This is where the senator says, look, people don't want the truth these days.

The truth either.

And you watch this actor just fucking get ready to say it.

He says, The truth either loses or gets them canceled.

Gets them canceled.

Yes.

Yeah, he says real politicians are afraid to tell the truth.

And by truth, he means baseless claims about magical father figures that get sad when we touch our junk, but nobody wants to tell that truth anymore.

Yeah, exactly.

Meanwhile, he's an African-American gentleman who is in a movie that's also playing right next to Matt Walsh's Am I Racist in real life right now.

Yep.

But Senator Smith tells him, hey, just prey on it.

And he's like, well, damn it.

Now that's magic and I have to do it.

I do have to do that.

It's like exixo.

It's like that Superman creature whenever he says his name backwards.

Yeah, exactly.

So, yeah, but so that we watch Davey try to sleep, but all the previous scenes keep running through his mind.

And can I say, I was very impressed.

This is the first, it's not the first flashback to the movie in the movie we've seen.

I don't think it's the hundredth.

It is the earliest we've ever seen a flashback to the movie in the movie.

It might be.

I don't, I feel like we've probably beaten this at some point, but it's certainly right up there in the top five.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's He's just having flashbacks to that day.

Apparently that's what praying is, is like remembering recent things.

And he gets inspiration from the moment when he's

failing so badly at the carnival.

And the carnival barker is like, can't win unless you play.

Gets him to play again.

And that's his inspiration to like do the movie, to do the plot to become.

a senator or whatever from the carnival barker fucking yoda character

yes exactly.

All right, well, we've got what this movie is calling a plot, so we're going to take ourselves a quick break.

And when we come back, we'll dive back into God's Not Dead 11.

Don't tread on me, or fucking whatever.

This message is sponsored by Greenlight.

Oh, Jimmy, how could you?

I'll do what I want, Mom.

Now, now, dear.

What's all the fuss?

Oh, darling.

Thank goodness you're home.

It's Jimmy.

I'm afraid he spent all of his money in the most unwise of ways.

What's all this now?

It's not a big deal, Dad.

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How else am I supposed to make it to level 20?

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Now, just a few more gems for my fish tank.

I said stop it.

Fine.

Fine.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm tired of career politicians running this country.

These folks have lost touch with the people, with our wants and our needs as a nation.

Hell yeah.

We need ordinary folks like us to stand up and take our country back.

And also, I'm an electrician now.

Yeah.

But sorry, what?

Yeah.

I'm done being told black wire there and red wire here.

It's my house.

I'll put the wires where my faith and my life leads me to put them.

I think that's that's probably not a great idea.

I can do my own plumbing, my own masonry, my own surgery.

Please don't do that.

There is no expertise.

Everyone knows the same things because if they don't, I might be stupid and have to shut the fuck up.

And do we want to shut the fuck up just because we aren't a surgeon?

Because we didn't go to medical school?

Do you?

No.

Then let's get out there and do our own surgery.

I will ask real experts to help when I mess this up.

Yeah, me too.

Oh, yeah, no, obviously.

Yeah, clean up my mess

and we're back for more of this and we're going to rejoin the action with this is so dumb so lottie left right he didn't say yes fast enough so she left she flew back to washington dc but davey

flew chased her

and catches her at the airport how

how would that even work what did they mean they think what did they think happened i because i you know they had to film in an airport which has to be a little bit of a pain in the ass i said i was thinking to myself well that's not how this would work they would have had to been on the same plane or there would have had to been a different plane leaving from the same part of arkansas going to dc at the same fucking time or she just hangs out at the airport after she gets there for a little bit none of it makes any fucking sense he bought a ticket to wherever and ran through and just found her in there

yeah unclear yeah so but he said he tells her he's like hey yeah i've decided decided that I want to do it.

Right.

He's like, hey, you can like call me on phones or whatever.

You could have just said, yeah, texted me.

Yeah.

They're in Washington, D.C.

at this way.

I want to be clear.

It's not the airport.

It's not the departure airport where he catches her.

It's yeah.

It's so fucking dumb.

So yeah, she's like, all right, get in the car.

We're going to strategize now.

So they get in the car and there's a guy in the, the driver of the car, I guess he was in one of the other movies.

Was he?

Oh, yeah, totally remember this guy, too.

He was a waiter from the other movie.

He says, He says it was a waiter, Heath, we know.

Okay.

He says, No, I remember you being

ahead, though.

I remembered before they said that.

Did you?

No.

Okay, I had no memory of this.

So when they were like, Hey, you're a failed actor, right?

I was like, Are we making fun of failed actors in this Christian movie?

Because, like, our podcast doesn't take shots at bald guys.

You know what I'm saying?

Like, we

know you're lame, David A.

R.

White.

So, yeah, yeah, but he's like, I recognize you.

He's like, oh, I'm a very famous actor.

He's like, no, you were a waiter in one of the other movies.

He's like, nobody remembers the other movies.

Nobody remembers.

The only people who watch our movies consistently hate us.

Yeah.

So, okay, so now it's time for him to announce his candidacy and he's going to do it on the fucking Mike Hockabee show.

Wow.

Dreams really do come true.

But wait, wait, Noah, what rock and band does Mike Huckabee have on his guest?

The musical guest that night happens to be the Newsboys.

Yes, those newsboys.

Okay, so the Newsboys are performing on Huckabee's show.

He has a real show like this, like a

late night, but like mid-afternoon.

Well, right, yeah, late night 7 p.m.

Yeah, exactly.

Okay, with musical guests.

Yeah.

The newsboys in this case.

And we see the epic drums for a second.

It's fun.

It's pretty fun.

Yeah.

I like that.

We see them just wishing they had named the goddamn band the newsmen at some fucking

story.

Yeah.

So tired and old and divorced.

They should perform with like an old bow flex off the side on stage.

Yes.

So sad.

Six missed calls from their lawyer.

Yeah.

I guess showing on the stuff.

And again, like.

Talk about how the mighty have fallen, right?

Because the first time we saw the newsboys in God's Not Dead one, they were actually taking shots from their sold-out Christian music concert, right?

Giant crowd, yeah.

We don't even see the second half of the studio they're recording in.

They're not even pretending there are people in this room at this point.

No, and we only get the coda, right?

Like they don't even play us the fucking song this time.

They're just like, da-da-da-da-da-da.

Newsboys.

And as they're walking in.

As they're walking in, David turns to Lottie and goes, the newsboys, these guys are great.

And I know, I know in my heart they were like, hey, David, do you think we could add a quick scene where, like, you say, the newsboys, these guys are great.

You know how there was the line earlier when there was a montage of you talking from a different movie, and then somebody's like, this guy is gold.

Can we get one of those for him?

Can we do one of those?

Only if when you see me later, you say, I look good.

Yeah.

Do you want to just kill each other and then we'll both get to go to please?

We'll all be remembered forever.

Also, this is where they introduce this dumbass bit.

Do it.

Shut up, Andrea.

But also, this is where they introduce this ridiculous bit where Lottie's advice to him is stay in the boat.

Right.

She says, as he's going out for his interview, she says, remember, stay in the boat.

This makes no fucking sense, but don't worry.

It'll be clunky and stupid when it pays off.

So

keeping in mind that don't rock the boat would have worked just as well.

They were too dumb to ever notice that.

It's the second worst managed catchphrase in the movie and it's still really bad.

Right.

Stay in the boat or if it starts to tilt really far, you got to hike out and then you got to maybe jump over onto the keel and you get it back down.

It's going to be a Jesus thing later on.

Now, if there's a shark there, you could get electrocuted.

Hold on a second.

Let me draw you a chart.

Battery.

And then, but he's going in for the interview.

And of course, the newsboys are coming out and they're like, David, you look great.

And he's like, you guys also look great.

He's like, we all look great.

But I just.

We don't wish we were brave enough to kill ourselves.

We have no sharp objects in our dressing room except for Andrea we have to get rid of guitar picks We have to get out of guitar pick Look at me running my hand across my skin.

It's not making

at all.

That's not what happened.

It's normal and cool and chill.

There's a normal amount of makeup on our faces to make so

hand is stuck and also like I know like we've watched all five of these fucking movies So I know that they have a long history or whatever but when the when the newsboys just know him It's kind of like you know when there's celebrities on the Muppets and we just have to believe that the celebrities all know Oscar and Big Bird and always have.

It has that very, very, that feel.

And then we're treated to Mike Huckabee's stupid, I'm in a movie face for the duration of the interview.

Oh, God.

They show a flash of his, like a, we pan over his audience and I'm making a joke about how old this audience is.

And I look around me in the theater.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I wrote Mike's, Mike's studio audience is filled with people who were there for the Bible.

So they're invested.

They pan out of the movie to the theater I was in.

Right.

That's the, yeah, exactly.

Right.

It was just, it was my theater minus me there.

Huckabee's crawling out like the ring.

And this is where the movie is going to introduce its directly conflicting premises.

Premise one, you can't get elected in this country if you're a Christian anymore.

Premise two, especially Arkansas.

Yeah, right.

Premise two, which Mike Huckabee directly states at this point in the movie, there are more ministers in Congress now than ever before.

They present both of those pieces of information, both of those claims back to back.

Spread them out at least, so it's not quite as obvious how dumb you are.

Literally, Jason Raypert is a congressperson in your state right now.

Yeah.

It's also this weird moment where he's like, so a lot of people are going to ask you about church and and state.

And like, we've never seen Christians talk about the separation of church and state, right?

They just sort of go, I'm doing my bigot thing, right?

They don't like address the fact that that's a thing that's supposed to be there.

And in this movie, we learn why, because his answer to what about the separation of church and state is,

I mean, we've all got a soul, right?

We can all agree.

We all agree that Jesus is the son of God.

We are magical spirits made of God.

Come fuck.

Arkansas is going to hate that.

Yeah, though, they hate Jesus talking.

So, and then Lottie is like standing off camera going nuts because he's going off screen.

He's not staying in the boat.

Damn it.

He's talking about Jesus.

She's doing hand motions like a boat.

He's like, what is that?

I don't know.

Is this from the earlier thing?

What do you do?

Yeah, so Mike Cockaby says, you know, what about church and state?

He says, oh, a load of bullshit.

Fuck that.

And then we cut to Ray Wise running attack ads using that clip of him saying, fuck church and state separation.

okay and also a clip of january 6th yes here's my thing

if i did january 6th and christians did do january 6th

i wouldn't mention it at all

well but so but here's the thing though is that that's what was so terrifying about this because this isn't at part of the effort to sanitize it right this is part of the effort to say oh yeah those democrats always going on about that time we tried to overthrow free and fair elections just because our guy lost.

Like, that's some kind of big deal, right?

That's why that was there because that's the purpose it serves in the film, right?

But the bad guy is using it as an attack ad so that the audience can go, like, yeah, they're always trying to act like that was a bad thing.

Yeah.

And they also blurred out the face of the rioters because

they might be coming to see the movie.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, exactly.

Because of the ongoing investigation by the FBI.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Also, during this attack ad, Ray Wise, playing Kane, the evil Arkansas atheist, he says miscegenistic.

He's supposed to be like criticizing religion and he calls it miscegenistic.

The fact that the movie said misogynistic wrong is fucking perfect.

I couldn't be bothered to look it up.

But also, clearly, Ray Wise is used to saying in real life, miscegenated as a bad thing and said it partially wrong.

It's so moi.

It's so and I didn't even notice.

Yeah, but so, but they do, they run the attack ad, and this is where Lottie tells him that Ray Wise has challenged him to a live podcast.

David, we would challenge David, please.

We challenge you to a live podcast.

Oh, fuck no.

Fuck.

David, I know we

have no illusions.

You are out voting.

We challenge you to a live podcast.

First of all,

definitely, if he, we can get him, and there's a number, and it's not very high, but it's not

forget is for me, right?

Like, that's, that's what you guys got to worry about.

about how the fuck's number is pretty high we could get andrea logan in oh yeah i think i think we could get andrea yeah i think if we ladies and gentlemen andrea logan

it's not white anymore it's just andrea logan yeah yeah i think if we tell andrea we're not gonna tell david she's free yeah right

we're like yeah we know we told you that we were gonna debate noah but you're actually gonna debate andrea three two one go

see coming around yeah yeah no i do like that so okay so but davey agrees to do the podcast on the condition that they agree to a debate afterwards, right?

So, we've set that up.

Nine seconds later, we're going to knock it down.

So, now we're doing the podcast, and the podcast is clearly a trap because Davey isn't in the studio the way that Ray Wise is.

It's awesome.

Right.

He's calling in.

They tricked him into doing a remote appearance.

How does that trick work?

Wait a minute.

I'm not in the room.

Yeah.

Right.

He realizes now that he's not in the room with the other on his podcast.

Okay.

To be fair, though, they do introduce him to that podcast the way we would introduce him to the podcast.

Yes.

So it's like, all right, so this is Senate Minority Leader, something, something, Kane.

And then there's a guy, a preacher person.

I wonder who should run the country.

Yep.

Yeah, right.

So, yeah, so the podcast is called The Low Down with Larry.

And Larry is clearly in Wise's back pocket, right?

Because he's like, yeah, so, you know, fuck pastors and all their dumb Jesus.

And Ray Wise is like, right?

And then they hang up on him.

Essentially, right?

That's essentially how it goes.

He might as well fall for homo says what because his podcast.

What?

What?

It's the best.

I have an affidavit that says what?

He signed it.

I had it notarized.

What?

Because they actually hang up and cut.

And David A.

R.

White, just like Eli just now, keeps talking more and more painfully.

So far after the cut, I laughed a lot at this moment.

Well, because again, the thing is, like, they shut off his mic, just like they did to Donald Trump.

You all remember that.

Yeah.

So, yeah, and Ray Wise is, he goes, like, religion is a bunch of dumb superstition.

And frankly, I find you smug and irritating.

And that's what they cut him off on.

And it's like, oh, that's the end of the debate, then, I guess.

And again, if I hadn't just watched the Kamala Trump debate, I might not feel like that was realistic.

But Lottie's furious because he let himself get like, but I mean, she's out of the boat.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, exactly.

He's out of the boat again, I guess.

But apparently she thinks it's time for them to go dirty.

But Davey would like to stay above the fray.

Yeah.

He says, I didn't get into politics to act like a politician.

Yeah.

And I just, I wonder what that's doing there, right?

Because like if this movie was like buried in a time capsule and dug up 20 years later, I might understand why the guys on the conservative side would be like, yeah, dirty campaigning.

That's just got to go.

But when you're the side with Donald Trump, right?

It feels weird.

Why would you point out that that was ever, ever of value in politics?

Yeah.

Also, I have to point out, and I know this is just in my theater experience thing, but I was in one of those 4DX theaters that's like also a little bit of a roller coaster.

And at random intervals, my seat would go like,

wait.

So, so their

that's awesome.

Their theater system had to figure out how to use exciting haptics for this fucking.

So, just every once in a while, they were like, Bram, there it is.

Here's what, yes.

So, here's, here's what I think, and here's what I pray.

So, what I think is nobody was supposed to be in that theater.

I had already told them I wasn't supposed to be in that theater.

So, they were resetting whatever that system is and just at random intervals.

But what I pray is that david arrow white was like and what do we do for the 4dx version um

now would be a good time for a

so all right so but lottie's pissed she storms up and now moira is going to explain lottie's backstory with scott bayo now you might be thinking to yourself listener oh they've forgotten to introduce us to this character moira No, we haven't.

God, I love Moira.

This character just comes out of fucking nowhere and she's like, I shall explain the backstory.

And everybody's like, ah, who are you?

First of all, not only does she enter this scene explaining the backstory, in this scene and every other scene, she will be dressed like Barbara Streisand as the villain of a sci-fi epic.

And no one will ever...

She's just in fucking...

ball gowns with live snakes over her shoulders and no one everyone will just be like hello moira i noticed you're wearing day at the office a gown of emu feathers

Angela Merkel from the future.

So, yeah, but she explains that Scott, Bayo, and Lottie used to date, and now they don't.

And that's the extent of the backstory, at least so far.

Yeah.

And one of my favorite moments happens right after this, where we get to see Lottie in a...

coffee machine infomercial or something.

She doesn't know how to work it and she's just like so fucking angry, grabbing grabbing at it.

Flies everywhere.

It's the best.

She looks like me trying to do literally anything.

Yes, but yeah, she's very angry at the coffee.

This is when Scott Bayo calls to A, rub it in, and B, try to have sex with her.

Feel like those are conflicting goals, but okay.

Okay, quick question.

Maybe I'm crazy and I completely hallucinated part of this conversation, but did he not start this phone call with something like, they have chocolate gravy now.

I hate this bullshit.

He does a tight five on chocolate gravy.

He does.

That is true.

So Scott Bayo had something weird happen in his life and insisted on this.

But chocolate gravy sounds, A, great.

And also, we have that.

It's mole.

It's mole sauce.

That's a thing.

Sure.

Yeah.

That's not what it is in Arkansas, unfortunately.

Okay.

Savory sweet.

Come on.

It's not savory.

It's just chocolate sauce.

But she wants the debate.

Damn it.

They agreed to a debate.

And he says that they're not getting no stinking debate.

And this is where I first wrote in my notes.

Boy, are they squirming in this theater every time anybody says debates?

Every time I became slightly more erect, I was like, oh,

they're not going to end their big movie with a debate or they,

oh, my gosh.

And no one will ever shoot at our candidate's ear.

Yes!

So, okay, but then we go, we see her going to see Dean Kane about funding the campaign, right?

He needs a politician to buy, and here's an unbought politician, right?

Yeah.

And I know that it's like a thing that they replace actors in movies so that they'll be more popular in China with like Chinese actors and they'll add Chinese plot lines.

But I actually find it really offensive that they replaced Dean Kane with a sumo wrestler for this scene.

I think that was really unkind of you.

Okay.

So, so yeah, that's my statement.

So fucking up.

You were super.

Here's the thing.

I'm not a good-looking man, but I was never Superman.

You know what I'm saying?

They were never like, you know, who looks like Christopher Reeves, Eli Bosnik.

No, Eli Bosnik has been Eli Bosnik the whole fucking time, Dean.

I'm just imagining you as Superman.

Oh my God, Juperman.

Yeah.

So

Superman.

Yeah, Superman was Jewish.

So, okay.

So, but then we hard to circumcise, let me tell you.

You got to use a kryptonite scalpel.

Okay, so Lottie goes to tell Davy the good news, and he's not so sure about his campaign being funded or whatever.

They go out to celebrate the campaign funding, but he thinks they could have just had pizza delivered to the office.

He's a simple guy with simple tastes.

Right.

Yeah.

He also does this thing.

They're about to eat, and she starts to dig in, and he does that passive-aggressive, no, I'm saying grace first thing.

And I just want to say from my heart, you have no idea how much I would eat if someone did that to me.

I would eat things on the table that weren't food or something.

Yeah.

What's so funny is these Christian.

I'd eat you food if you were like,

I'm throwing it in.

I'm just like, wah, wah.

Broccoli spear, broccoli spear.

So, but that's just the thing is the movies always seem to think that it's embarrassing for us.

Right.

Like she goes to dig in and he's like, father, we think, and she puts her silverware down.

I'm like, oh, wait, I better not interrupt.

i came here to eat not say magic goddamn spells do whatever you want over your food i'm eating whatever you want yeah got tostado nachos here what do we say motherfucker do people say grace at restaurants though is that real oh yeah

at restaurant in public dude when i was at dollywood there was this girl that would always say grace over her lunch that she got out of the

uh the vending machine yeah no

so it's very

grace yes yeah

for this Nilla wafer bag that I'm having for lunch.

Yes, for this egg salad sandwich that probably won't poison me.

Yes.

Yeah.

So anyway, so they have their celebratory dinner.

Then we cut to the hotel room where she's tearing toilet paper in half.

You know, like mentally healthy people who don't need to be medicated do.

It's so funny to me.

I want to be part of the conversation where they're like, well, she has to be doing something.

What would you be doing when you're just sitting there like nervous habit?

Come on, just throw them out there.

Honest answer answer for me i would be praying to have the god of the universe torture scott bayo the person yeah and that's what's happening so that's what she's doing yeah all right so my theater never got as excited as they did for this scene when she pulls out the bible and prays wrong She does prayer hands, but with the Bible in between them.

Idiot.

And that's not how you pray.

That's not how you pray.

And she prays that she can have her revenge against Scott Bayo.

And the audience just went wild.

Your palms don't touch.

There's no magic.

It It doesn't even complete the circuit, you fucking movie.

We can't even hear you right now.

That Bible is, that's not gleek the fucking monkey.

That's a fucking Bible.

The string has to be taught between the two cans to be able to see the car.

And this is where the bajillion dollars thing pays off.

No illusions.

I remember, I promised.

That's right, because this is where he gets a call, where she gets a call from her sister, Andrea Logan.

That's the end of my fucking name.

Fuck yeah.

She is beaming at the camera.

Okay, podcast listener: there are are only three human beings who would be happier to be in this movie than Andrea Logan.

And it's the podcast.

No, it's you.

We are on this.

So, and let me just say, because you've made so much fun of how Davey looks and how, like, Andrea looks great.

She's

fantastic.

Oh, she's winning this divorce so fucking hard.

In three seconds in the movie, she wins the divorce 19 times over.

It's the best.

She just has her capoeira instructor and her yoga instructor on either arm.

having an orgasm.

Yep.

Beautiful.

This is the first I've ever had.

Well, no, a bunch with this guy, but like first person ever.

It's amazing.

Did you say, did you say we're rolling?

There come is getting on my side of the set.

So yeah, so, but she calls, she's the sister and she calls to tell her that, you know, maybe she should give up and forget all this campaign stuff and just be a mom instead.

Right.

Yeah.

And the kid gets on the phone and he's like, I miss you, mommy.

And she's like, I miss you too.

And he says, I hope they're giving you a bajillion dollars because she's selling him out.

Oh, okay.

You're right.

Yep.

I did totally miss that.

Circle.

So, okay.

So then we get a fucking campaigning montage.

Right now, campaigning mostly consists of doing walk-in talks with people who are having trouble keeping up with you.

and changing the whiteboard percentages of who's at the most.

it's the best david ar white

has people following him down the street like he's rocky except he's giving little political rants while they follow him very excitedly he made like an entire series of movies to stage people listening to him ever yep people caring about his tweets yep i think in my heart i think david ar white has been considering a run for office and he was like hey you know where we could get some footage

so

now, so also there's the newscasters come on.

They're really inspired by the campaign.

And I will, I have to say, the two news anchors' friendship being torn apart by this campaign is the through line.

I did not know I needed.

It's true.

It's pretty fantastic.

The guy and the girl there, like they almost reached Jane, you ignorant slut levels of hatred by the end of this movie.

It's fucking phenomenal.

So, okay.

So, but the montage ends with the bad guys realizing that Dean Kane is financing their campaign.

So now they're going to have to debate him after all.

Oh, yeah.

All right.

Well, this movie just made Christians think about debates again.

So we're going to take a break and soak that in.

But first, let me give Act Three the hard sell.

Will the entire rest of this movie focus on political debates?

Will the Trumpers in our theaters get sadder and sadder for the remainder of the film?

Will I glide out of the theater on a theater-wide slick of their tears?

Find out the answers to these questions and more.

We return for the oh-so-triggering conclusion of God's Not Dead 14 Jesus Guns Babies.

Or fucking whatever.

Hey, podcast listener, are you enjoying this audio podcast?

Do you wish you were seeing, smelling, and tasting it as well?

Then why not check out God Awful Movies live in Nashville on December 7th?

That's the sound Nashville makes, apparently.

Tickets to our live shows make amazing holiday presents, a fantastic date night, or a super weird prank on your religious parents.

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God Awful Movies Live in Nashville, Tennessee, on December 7th.

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Because Nashville.

And look, I might not be a fancy politician for.

I'm sorry.

Can we cut?

Cut.

Yeah, cut.

Sorry, David, what's up?

Yeah, sorry, guys.

I hope I'm not being a prima donna, but these close-ups seem

a little too close.

Too close?

How so?

I mean, Rick's lens is literally pressed right up against my face during this shot like i could feel it and i'm just worried it might look a little i don't know bad rick are you are you pressed to his face a little bit yeah yeah sorry it's just i've been making movies for a while you know and i i just don't ever remember us shooting this close with so many shots of my chin or my cheeks well david if you're accusing me of you know, using this footage as stock footage of the moon slash selling it to companies that sell adult acne medication i'm definitely not doing that

okay well now that you said that i do think you're doing well but i'm not i just said wait did the moon people say no rick shut the fuck up man i mean they said no already or something

okay

And we're back for still more of this shit.

We're going to rejoin the action 12 days from the election, gearing up for the big debate.

Again, they could have just had a reasonable amount of time, but no, they're doing a debate with 12 days for the fucking election here, right?

He's going out.

She's telling him to stay in the boat.

He's not even wearing the right tie.

Damn it.

What a way.

What is wrong with the tie?

I had no idea.

Because if he had been wearing like a really flamboyant tie, I would have gotten it.

Or if it had...

Or a tie with a cross on it.

Write a crucifix on it.

Yeah, it would have like reinforced the story that they're trying to tell anyway.

But no, it's just you're wearing the wrong tie.

You have to switch ties.

So then we get a series of clips of the debate.

Mostly it's Ray Wise dunking on Jesus.

There's this, there's this fucking incredible moment where he's like, hey, do you think the church should be in charge of the government?

And he's like, that's not Christian nationalism.

And he's like, it is.

It is, though.

That's the definition of that thing.

Yeah.

And this is one of those times when Ray Wise is doing the evil voice for the good thing that he says.

He's like, the role of government is to make lives better.

Regardless of your faith.

The protagonist is like, government's dumb.

Fuck you.

Yeah.

In the Christian nationalism moment, right?

For his example, what David A.R.

White's character volunteers is, if a politician wants to ban books, is that Christian nationalism?

And Ray Wise is like, yep.

What a stupid time.

Unbidden.

Nobody brings that up.

He was having a Donald Trump moment.

He's like,

he starts

out of the blue, defending book banning, defending teachers coercing students into prayer.

And then he comes out against health care.

Why would you choose that?

It's the best.

It's like Kamala Harris tricked the movie into talking about something else.

Truly.

Hey, there aren't a lot of people in Eli's movie theater right now.

Also, you should talk about how you don't want people to have health care.

Because he's making the point that like he hates big government.

That's David A.

R.

White's point here.

And then right after saying, I hate big government, also,

we need the government to man all the gay books is what I guess.

Yeah,

talking about Jesus fucking Christ.

And then, after that, because this movie's too stupid to realize that he's just bombing on stage and there, it's stupid bugging that they wrote.

Then, we listen to this writer win an argument against his shampoo bottle for two minutes.

He fucking does.

Oh, God.

He showed his niece who blocked him on Facebook so good.

He's like, You don't trust in God.

You trust in power.

And again, because this is a Christian fantasy, Ray Wise just goes like, oh, yeah, he doesn't.

He just clutches his chest.

Yep.

They're like, oh, go to commercial.

Go to commercial.

The evil liberal has been outwitted.

It got me.

I've been owned.

Owned, I say.

Yes.

Facts and logic.

And

during the commercial break, Davey delivers this incredible fucking line.

Imagine how the writer felt after he got done writing this goddamn line.

Lottie says, well, they're really going after God out there.

He says, God's not their target.

The country is.

God's just standing in the way.

Yeah.

God's a bouncer type.

Yeah.

He hurt Ray Wise's feelings.

So after the debate, he's like, senator, and he's like, fuck you.

I'll fuck you right up the ass.

It's so funny.

He goes way too far.

It escalates so quick.

He does his evil speech.

It's so good.

Yes.

Ray will take down all of morality if that's what it takes to get to take.

I'll kill God with my bare hands to show you, son of a bitch.

Seriously, it ends with like, I will make you crumble cut.

Yes.

Oh, so fucking good.

And then we get a quick shot of Scott Bayo, Ray Wise.

They're going over the debate, and Scott Bayo can tell they're about to go negative with their campaign.

Now, the senator assures him that there's no dirt to find on him.

He's lived a clean life and he's never done anything wrong.

And they're like, hmm, maybe we can use that.

Now, that's going to to come back later in the movie, but I want to emphasize here that the bad guy they've set up now is a person who's never done anything wrong, right?

There's like literally nothing bad, no dirt to be had on him.

And the evil thing he wants is human rights for all people, regardless of faith.

Yes.

And to pull out the lens a little bit more, right?

What's happening at this point in the movie is that the bad guys are tricking the good guys into lying about fake news.

Yeah.

Because you know how sometimes the good side is the one that gets caught lying

in their accusations?

That actually happens to the good guys a lot.

See, you know what it is?

It's usually it's somebody who's manipulating it.

What it usually is, is they make it up about them and then they trick us into doing it is what they did.

We put in our movie.

Hey, antagonist Kane, do you have any skeletons in your closet?

No, I don't at all.

I'm a perfectly, perfectly moral atheist.

I did drag a puppy and a pregnant woman out of a collapsed center for, I don't know, Christian something.

It was like not up to code, and then I saved lives.

Oh, yeah.

Well, do you think we could trick our opponents into telling a big lie because they're fucking hideous?

Yeah.

No, I think we could do that.

Okay.

So cool.

Kamala Harris, get out of this guy.

So now it's nine days to the election, and Lottie is getting some dirt on Ray

from the girl without the dragon tattoo.

Okay, imagine being in the writer's room and being like, okay, guys, so obviously this is where our protagonists are going to get tricked into spreading fake news.

So the most important thing we do is we not make the fake news identical to the bullshit we've been trying to stick to Joe Biden for 19 years.

And they were like, I'm going to do the opposite.

By Mac's drug addicts, I'm going to do the one that we get proved wrong on.

And then the crack son gets to yell at me.

And that's one.

Let's do that.

Kamala Harris gave me a dossier of the perfect thing.

We're using it.

We're using it.

It's so good.

Also, I love this too because the text that the girl without the dragon tattoo sends her is, your dirty laundry's ready.

And I'm like, why not?

It's so good.

And then they meet at the fucking laundromat.

Oh, they do, don't they?

Dirty laundry.

Sissels.

Fuck yeah, baby.

And the crazy spy lady that she's using for the dirty laundry getting is dressed like a spy lady who gets dirty laundry on

just like a hoodie with the hood up in the laundry map or the hoodie just says regular hoodie on the front.

Normal.

Unmarked hoodie.

So dumb.

Not distributing information spy.

I got in the most trouble.

I laughed for like three minutes here.

I did the thing where I couldn't, I was weeping and I couldn't get it back.

I couldn't help but squeaking every once in a while.

I'm just, I'm looking at her going, Dodson, Dodson, we got Dodson here.

Yeah.

Yeah.

She might as well enter and exit the room to boom, boom, boom.

Hiding behind a bush.

Yeah.

Yes, truly.

Did you bring that bush?

No.

Regular bush.

She just is the washing machine.

Smart.

The old people in our audience are enjoying that, young people, just so you know.

I agree.

So, okay.

So, so then Lottie takes the dirt to Davey, right?

She's got evidence that Ray was taking bribes and

Davey doesn't want to use it because he doesn't want to fight dirty.

But if they have evidence that he took bribes, not turning that evidence over to like the police or something would make them an accessory to the crime.

Yeah, it's not dirty if it's true.

It's dirty to not publicize

if it's true.

It's such an insane mentality, right?

Because the mentality is no norking,

no telling, and it doesn't matter if someone does a fraud.

That actually,

it's actually the campaigns that get the news first, and then they give it from them to the news.

Yeah.

Shit, that's the word I used.

Why should I get in trouble for a fraud somebody else noticed?

It's literally the lights.

I don't.

And then the answer is stitches get stitches.

Right.

Okay.

Yes.

I think we can all agree that what we want out of a politician is someone who would hide the illegal activities of their opponent because it's not

old shit.

Yes.

Yeah, truly.

Right.

He goes, I want this folder burned.

And I'm like, you want the evidence destroyed?

Okay,

man.

Mike Lindell pops up in a hoodie.

I have some packets of data I can use on it.

Are those physical packets?

Are those little plastic bags where you

give a guy a million dollars?

I don't even think that's data.

Hand it over a briefcase of money.

Are you done using that claw machine?

So then we get the women's shelter getting shut even downer than before, I guess.

It's the exact same fucking scene.

Monica's standing there with her baby going, they're shutting us down even more.

And he's like, like, I thought we had more time.

Also, Monica is smudgy in this scene, which I fucking was cleaning chimneys.

Eli, sometimes you get smudgy when it is

in the black mold.

Oh, right.

Yeah, well,

and they keep saying, Well, you know, God doesn't do it.

God works through his people.

And they keep looking, and she keeps being like, I feel like God might want to be a little more hands-on.

Has God read who moved my cheeks?

God should make me read who moved my cheeks.

So then, okay, now it's eight days to the election.

We get a little scene where the driver is now starting to believe in David A.

R.

White a little bit too.

Okay, this is so stupid.

This driver is now presented as like

every man voice of wisdom, just your average Joe.

And he says, I don't vote.

Voting doesn't do anything, but I'll join your church.

I love Christianity.

He's going to be the voice of wisdom after saying that for the rest of the movie.

He sure is.

Well, I think we're supposed to be like, now we know a lot of people feel that way, and that's a super cash money and relevant opinion to have.

But

we're here to ask you to vote for us.

But this one time, will you do this evil democracy thing for him to help us out with destroying democracy from the inside?

Yeah.

That's the movie.

Can we say, as we got into the, oh, this is a movie about getting out the vote thing, I became less and less comfortable than us and David A.

R.

White probably have similar conversations about the assholes on our side and us needing them to show up and fucking vote.

Yeah, no, I had a couple of those feelings too.

We're going to get to them.

So he goes into the office, though, and he sees Scott Bayo on the news debunking the dirt that they didn't use.

Right.

So somebody has leaked that dirt and it turned out it was fake and it was fake news and they didn't actually do all the bribing and that wasn't Hunter's laptop at all.

But it was really the bad guys fault because they are the ones who tricked them into accusing but now keep in mind his campaign never publicly came out and said anything we're supposed to believe that lottie leaked the dirt anyway right but his campaign never did so they're blameless already right but something something she's christian sort of and i'm christian so i have to back her up is where they're going

no fucking idea right they they thought they had some clever thing here where now the people would assume that they had leaked the bad information and were making shit up or whatever.

It's

like no narcing.

It's like you wouldn't throw the guilty person under the bus, would you?

And I was like, yeah, I would, that's perfect if there's no coming in.

If she did the thing, she illegally distributed documents against Met Loyal.

Of course you would fire that person.

Yeah.

Right, right.

Well, exactly.

And then she's like, you know, I didn't do it.

And everybody looks at her like, but didn't you, though?

And she's like, oh, you don't believe me.

I will resign.

But only tomorrow for dramatic purposes, I'll wait.

Yeah, also, I just have to point out that Moira is in this scene again, and she's just in a ball gown of irradiated globes that are hovering in you know intricate patterns that only fourth-dimensional beings can see.

She's like, Your globes are touching my face every time they circle around.

I'm in the movie like I always am, and I'm disappointed in you.

Can you just get a little bit further away, though?

I'm hovering a foot off the ground.

Just every scene moira was in i wanted to shout to my empty theater can y'all see moira too

does moira warn you all about climate change so

so yeah so but but lottie walks out all dejected and davey is all very disappointed and sad we cut to scott and ray celebrating their awesome plan we just can we talk about swinging a miss joke guy i know it's just a tiny moment and we've this review is long but can we talk about it oh yeah so Lottie walks out and Moira's other assistant, the guy who shows up is like, I guess she's going to get more time at home now.

Am I right?

Am I right?

Oh, oh, yeah.

And then David A.

R.

White yells at that guy.

Yeah.

He's like, he's like, fuck you, Sam.

She's having a bad liar day.

Be a better Christian.

Now you're fired, maybe.

I don't know.

Yeah, no, he fires him.

No narking.

But then he's unfired later off screen at some point because he's still there with Moira later.

But yeah, so, but the news sure thinks Davey should drop out of the race because of this humiliation of

the thing that they aren't actually involved in, right?

Lottie talks to her sister some more.

Andrea Logan comes in to like dunk on Davey a little bit more in his own stupid fucking movie.

Right here at the crest.

Right here.

Okay, cut.

And then we cut to Davey.

He's in his office.

He's talking with Martin.

This is the point where they tell us that the city is about to condemn the shelter if they don't get it up to code.

It's not up to code.

Okay, look, podcast listener, maybe you're not aware of this.

A building that isn't up to code is dangerous to be in.

Right, that's why they have the code.

Black mold, exposed wires, asbestos.

These are the things that bring a building up to code.

Yes, yeah, lack of safety rails on the stairs type shit.

Yes, exactly.

So what they've now admitted is that this shelter is relying on public funds, that it's using those public funds to promote its religion, and that there's loose fucking wires hanging out of the asbestos in it.

Instead of fixing the asbestos and the loose wires, they're buying Bibles to proselytize with public money.

Yes.

There's an empty stair where one of the stairs should be.

Yeah.

That's the persecution narrative.

Right.

But it's worse.

It's worse because he also has a letter from the board.

He has to turn in his badge and preacher's gun right now.

Yep, he sure does.

The church board has suspended him, probably for the fucking women's shelter not being up to go.

Now, let me hit you with a little fan theory.

I think the monologue that follows this.

was not written in the script.

I think it is David going full shia labee because it has nothing to do with the plot of the movie.

David A.

R.

White now does a what three and a half four minute monologue like I don't know man I started as a kid and I made the Jesus Man movies and then I made a bunch of like kind of family films and now I'm here and you're all Nazis and we weren't Nazis.

I swear we didn't start out as fucking Nazis.

I'm a Nazi.

Why am I a Nazi, Martin?

Why don't you sound fucking Chinese anymore?

You remember how you fucking sounded, Martin?

You remember how you sounded when we hired you, Martin?

Arsenal, switch them up, Martin.

She took the kids, man.

The newspaper's don't return my fuck off.

They're busy with their families.

We got these fat podcasters telling everybody how bad I look like I don't know.

I know.

Also, I have half your money now.

Go fuck yourself.

Sandra Sam, you're son of the sit.

I actually own half of that tape.

I was going to bring it.

And that chalk you're taking out.

I was going to bring that tape home and use it to fix my PlayStation.

Bring my home up to code.

Okay.

Taking half your Boflex.

So he gives that absolutely insane Shia LaBeouf monologue.

And now, I'm sorry to have two fan theories in a row.

Now what is supposed to happen in the movie is he's supposed to dramatically walk through the rain, yep, but he doesn't.

No, he does not.

At first, he doesn't.

He gets some rain later, but they're like, it's raining out, and then it's not for a bit.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, what's that?

We're supposed to see a scene where he's like soaked in rain and comes in and dries off.

And what very clearly happened is they were like, All right, so we're doing the soaked in the rain thing.

You're going to stand and we're going to spray the hose up in the air, and then you're going to get like super soaking wet and pray to God.

And he was like, I cannot afford to dye my hair again.

And they were like, What?

And he was like, You heard me.

I can walk briefly through the rain and then be inside and be perfectly dry.

And they were like, Okay, David.

Also, I just bought this dad bod t-shirt.

And if it gets wet, it'll not be wet.

It's wet.

I can't return

after Andrew sees it.

She's taking half of it.

So

she owns the top half, which is really the most painful part.

Now he's just wearing a tube.

A tube

like his his weird midriff

while his texts to the newsboys turn green.

Yeah, so so but the driver guy, and as he's going to walk out into the rain, the driver's guy's like, I'm your driver.

I'm right fucking here.

He's like, I want to draw through the rain for dramatic purposes.

He's like, do you?

And he's like, not, not really, though.

No.

He gets home and apparently he's just left his TV on to the news talking about what a piece of shit he is.

Or maybe Andrea did that.

that bad news exposition channel is just always on in this house yeah

so but then as he's sitting there feeling sad for himself Daryl comes in to buck him up for act three right Davey wants to withdraw but Daryl brought some pine cone metaphors to help him out hey bud any chance you're having uh I don't know an emotional nader perhaps that's why I popped in I've got a metaphor you You listening to the bad news exposition?

Turn that off.

Turn that off.

Why would you

talk about you specifically?

hey guys you're smarter than me and i googled pine cones and saw nothing is his thing about pine cones needing to be on fire true because that seems

i think that the pine cones he's talking about i think that is correct yeah so that's weird there are certain pine cones that are coated in such a way that they'll survive a forest fire and and and and won't sprout until a fire has come through yeah i think that's correct that's fucking dope as shit cones that's cool yeah i guess but like the point is just he's saying you know wildfires burn everything down but then like emerge from the ashes.

It's good for the forest in the long run or something like that.

Right.

And you're a pine cone that has to go through the fire first.

Right.

Yeah.

So this is also where we get the line that we got previewed at the beginning of the movie.

40 million Christians don't vote and 15 million don't even bother to register.

Yep.

Yeah.

That's the movie's money shot.

Right.

That's what the that's the the thesis statement of the whole fucking movie is you guys should get out and vote.

Yeah.

Which Which is super funny because you guys are the ones making it hard to register.

Yeah, right.

Right, exactly.

Like, you know, most of those Christians who don't vote do it because you've kept them poor and made it hard for them to vote.

Yep.

So, yeah, right.

Like, I wonder what percentage of those Christians are black.

Yeah.

But he explains that Christians should run the government.

And this is such a great moment because David A.

R.

White is like, well, what about non-believers?

And Daryl's like, well, fuck them, right?

And he says, well, you know, the atheists will actually appreciate us seizing all the power once they see what a great job we do with it.

They'll actually like it.

We're going to do a theocratic utopia, you know, just like Margaret Atwood.

It's going to be awesome.

And they're going to love it.

And they're going to stop being atheists.

So then he's talked back into it.

So he goes to the office to strategize with Moira and the fired guy.

I love that he looks back at the burning pine cone in the fire.

So Daryl throws a pine cone into the fireplace to like end his metaphor.

And then at the end of the speech, David A.

R.

White like didn't get anything that just happened, but then he looks over and he's like, wait a second, thanks to this visual aid, I'm a burning pine.

I'll die.

Yep, that makes sense to me now.

Also, you got to be in it to win it, a carnival barker told me.

These are my two inspirations.

I didn't lose a fight to Andrea's new boyfriend.

He committed assault.

So.

So he goes back to the office and he tells him he's not dropping out and he's not throwing Lottie under the bus.

So he goes out to have a press conference where he apologizes for the thing he didn't do and promises to never not do it again, I guess.

Which is so fucking insane.

He's like, look,

someone did a bad thing.

It wasn't me, but I'm sorry.

And it won't happen again.

Yeah.

I forgive me.

How so stupid?

Because, yeah,

the conversation right before he does this press conference is, hey, David, you got to lie to preserve your image of honesty.

And he's like, did you hear yourself just now?

And this other campaign person is like, well, you got to lie or throw Lottie under the bus.

He's like, I'm not doing that.

He goes out and he non-pologizes in the vaguest terms for a thing he didn't do because honesty.

Yeah.

That's the point they're trying to make here.

I guess.

Yeah, but he challenges Ray Wise to one last debate and the whole theater squirmed again, right?

And Ray Wise goes, he won't stay dead.

And they have this whole thing about how, like, well, if you want to debate him again, you'll look like a coward.

Because what kind of coward would not debate him?

Another person who wanted to debate him again in a second debate.

I could not stop ejaculating

at the thought of so many hardcore Republicans watching him be like, Come on, only a coward would refuse to debate.

Everyone will know I'm a big chicken shit coward, piece of shit.

Man, baby, tiny hands.

Lost a fight to Andrea's new boyfriend.

The rest of the movie is just from inside of a briar patch.

And Karma is just smiling from the side.

Yeah, but

and then we get Lottie.

She's in the car.

She's ready to give up, but the driver guy has words of wisdom for her about not running away from your problems.

So then she goes to tell off Dean Kane because it turns out that he was the one that leaked the fake dirt.

Yeah.

And look, can I say something brave?

I know that actors have limited schedules and they can't always show up to set, but using a big pile of mashed potatoes instead of Dean Kane was inappropriate.

It was inappropriate.

You know what?

If he can't make the set day, rearrange the shooting schedule.

He used to be Superman.

And then as if you were like, as if cueing Eli to make jokes about another person's appearance, we get the newsboy scene, right, where they're watching the news, going, like, well, it looks like Davey's been set up.

And they're all holding their instruments.

Do you remember their band?

So apparently, they just always hang out together like college roommates.

They all have like bath beds and they always have their instrument in their hands.

Like the fucking ninja turtles with their weapons.

Yeah.

Yeah.

A hundred percent.

And drum guy drums, air drums the entire scene.

He does not.

He's just in the

so the music never stops in his head.

So we love you.

My kids do want to see me.

But they decide that they've got to pray for him.

So they all gather around and we get to watch them earnestly pray and it looks so stupid.

Meanwhile, Scott and Ray are weighing Davy's debate challenge and we're having yet another, but I'd look like a coward who's too orange and whose hands are too small to jack off scene with two of them.

And Kane, Ray-wise, he's supposed to be in his like evil downstairs bar that he has because it's evil and scotch is evil and really nice living edge wood for the bar.

Yes.

Evil.

And I was like, I like a lot of evil lair stuff.

That's like all my, I feel like you should have an evil lair.

Yeah.

You're pretty evil.

You're not a good person.

Certainly not.

So, but then, but, but Ray wants revenge for fucking something in the last movie.

I don't even fucking remember.

So then we cut to davey he's having the same coffee-based infomercial frustration that lottie was having before

and she walks in and they commiserate about what a piece of shit coffee maker they have i guess yeah and he gives her a a tip about the coffee spill he's like you should use a damp paper towel to wipe up the coffee you spilled as if there was like a genius hack that he had like what happened in david ar white's life with coffee something very serious and bad

You know, you're going to think lick it up.

You're going to think because it's coffee and coffee is delicious that you should just lick it off the floor.

But no.

But that's how they get you.

That's how they get you.

Damp paper towel.

And then Andrea shows that video to the judge and the judge is like, you know what?

You don't have to occupy the same house anymore.

Yep, exactly.

So, okay.

You're crying.

But then they, they, this is where she reveals that Scott Bayo is her baby daddy.

Right.

He, when she got pregnant, he wanted to get an abortion because he's evil and godless.

And I'm like, come on.

Like, how many abortions has Scott Bayo paid for in his lifetime?

Don't give me this shit.

He can't be in an anti-abortion movie now.

Fuck you.

Yeah.

But she admits at this point that she wanted revenge against Scott Bayo more than she wanted to glorify God.

And that's been the problem the whole fucking time.

And I noticed something during this scene that I want to point out.

They say great actors, you can really tell because of the way they listen.

And David A.

R.

White is not just not listening while she does her very dramatic monologue.

He's not moving his face.

Nope.

He is acting like a character for whom a Velociraptor has entered the room.

He's trying to not make eye contact with Andrea Logan, who is just out of frame

dancing and doing face.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Cartwheeling into other men's dicks.

She's just dick, cartwheel, dick, cartwheel.

Dancing through a fucking pile of his money.

Shooting confetti guns

and the confetti's made of his money.

Yeah, right, right.

But this is where the fucking stay in the boat thing finally pays off.

This is where he explains that he's a Christian.

He doesn't have to stay in the boat because Jesus can walk on water.

This is also where we get the worst catchphrasing in the movie.

He does the, because remember, God's not dead.

He goes, God is good all the time, but

the black guy is not in this one.

So he's like, God is good all the time.

And she's like, I wasn't in that movie.

And he's like, right.

Okay, we'll revisit it.

I think we killed that character off or something.

I don't really remember.

Okay, I'm so glad glad you said that, Noah, because I was like, I think that character died, but I did not want to

normally tell you.

I checked and I'm like, is the actor dead?

No, no, they killed the character.

Right.

He probably died in the fire or something.

Because the worst thing I could do would be like, that guy died.

And you guys be like, no, he's in the first act.

He's the senator who hires an opportunity.

Oh, no.

So it is a throwback episode.

I did enjoy that right after God is good all the time, the tagline, they immediately pan over to the Christian right politicians' terrible polling numbers that they've written to me from their white card.

Yep.

Seems like God's a Democrat.

Yeah, right.

He's not

all that good.

So, okay, so now it's two days until the election.

Perfect time for another debate.

Yes, obviously.

So it's time for the big finale debate.

Debate tomorrow, dead man's curve.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, exactly.

And we haven't mentioned this, but they keep talking about how this congressional race is so important because it's going to determine control of Congress.

How?

Right.

Because like this is not a special, like, so they could have just had the guy died and so there's a special election.

They didn't.

He died during the campaign.

Why is there just the one congressional election?

The movie never acknowledges that or

dumb that it could have been a senator.

Shut the fuck up, Andrew.

Yeah, right.

All right.

But Ray Wise shows up.

He gives Davey one last chance to back out before the debate and admit that he's wrong.

And if he does that, then he'll do all the stuff Davey is after.

So why wouldn't he say yes?

Yeah, you're about to lose.

This guy's offering to fund your women's shelter that you think is very important and like not have asbestos and wires hanging out.

And he's like, no,

no.

No, I want to win the movie.

Yeah.

so okay so the debate begins davey brought a bible like that's his signature weapon right like the news newsboys have their instruments he's got his bible

two bibles like nunchucks

so but ray shit talks christianity that's his strategy to win this congressional race in arkansas One of David's lines here at the early parties, he goes, remember how sad you were when they eliminated prayer in school?

Right.

So, okay, so first of all, that never happened, but like the thing that you're pretending pretending that was that that happened in 1962

dude you don't really not even you david ar white are old enough to remember that

this is when they do the stupid like in god we trust thing uh-huh where he's like hey you know they added that in the 50s because they were afraid of communism and he's like actually abraham lincoln said the word god Yeah.

Yeah, I'm sure he did say that somewhere.

That's nothing.

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

This is also where we get my favorite moment in the entire movie where Ray Wise is like, isn't love thy neighbor central to your teaching?

And David's like, no.

Yeah.

No.

Hey, did I just say no?

He says no to that.

And then he's like, no, the point of Jesus is Jesus.

Jesus.

Jesus.

And that's it.

That's it.

The debate audience goes bananas class.

Yeah.

And Ray Wise pulls out a copy of the script and he's like, that can't possibly be something you wrote for yourself to say.

Well, and then and Ray Wise is talking about how like, and Lottie's

off in the distance going, get out of the boat.

You know, like, she's ready for it.

Get up, you son of a bitch, because Mick and La.

Right, right.

And Ray Wise goes, no, we hold these truths to be self-evident.

And Davey goes, finish it.

Literal Bible thumps.

He literally thumps his hand down on the Bible and says, finish it.

Finish it.

Ray might as well just start staggering like the pre-fatality Mortal Kombat character, you know?

Truly.

Yeah.

And that, and that's where we get the all caps Facebook rant this movie has been building to the whole fucking time.

Yeah.

And again, felt very uncomfortable because I've said these words.

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I've said these words.

And the bad salt, you are the light.

Fight the good fight.

Fight the good fight.

You say that a lot.

I mean, yeah.

Well, I did.

So, yeah, but of course the entire rant he's giving is how the fuck are you not voting when things are so important?

And it's like, but you're the bad guys, though.

It's the bad guy.

Yeah, he says, if all Christians mobilized and voted, do you know what would happen?

And I wrote in my notes, 2016, we were there.

It was not.

Yeah, yes.

Yeah.

He talks about how America would collapse without God.

And I'm like, that's right.

Why there's no democracies in Europe right now.

That's probably it.

Yeah.

That's right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't like that we need to make this movie for people in Michigan and Wisconsin.

Yeah.

Right.

Yeah.

Terrifying.

But he basically ends his all caps rant with, you have to fucking vote.

Yep.

And it's so important and so good that fucking Ray Wise like just leaves the stage in shame.

Yeah.

Because he's so

crowds just throwing their underwear at him.

At this point, he looks to the debate moderator and goes, he's not allowed to grab my microphone and just charge out into the audience and start yelling shit.

Is he?

And the moderator is like, what are you going to do?

He's winning.

I'm sorry.

He is winning.

Sorry.

My packed theater of.

150-year-old people, they're all up out of their seat.

They're punching at the screen going

crazy.

They loved it.

So the last line, too, of his little rant, he goes, God gave you a voice.

God gave you a vote.

Use it.

And everybody cheers.

And then we cut really, really close in on him, that lunar surface cut that we were talking about in the sketch.

And he goes all just as sexually as he can.

He goes, use it.

Sorry, what?

What was the last thing?

I wasn't talking to you, Andrea.

Did you whisper the same thing again or was it a girl?

I wasn't talking to you, Andrea.

I was thinking about the gun I have in my closet at home.

I took half of it.

I'll give it back to you if you want to use it.

So he walks off stage because I guess that's the end.

And now that's his closest.

He won the debate.

And he tosses the ring onto Lottie's bottle.

Callback.

Full circle of a circle.

And he does the second half of the catchphrase and he's like, and all the time, God is good.

I used to have a black guy for that.

It was a thing that we used to do.

He died.

Eli thinks he died and and he's afraid to write it in his character.

I'm pretty sure.

I'm pretty sure he died.

So the actor is still alive and well, but I believe the character died.

So now it's post-election, and they have this whole fucking bit about how, well, the election's over, but we're getting a lot of recounts and stuff and doing a lot of extra counting, which is completely normal in an election.

A lot of times, people that think

one didn't win, but then it turns out that they did.

And so, yeah.

But of course, that just allows us to have suspense until the doors of this SUV open and out walks Congressman David A.R.

White.

And the women's shelter is fully funded now.

I like that they had a montage of just all the named characters saying nothing and waiting for election results for like a good minute and a half.

We just watched them say nothing.

They're just like, hmm.

Yeah, no, we're, this is like the, this is, we're building suspense, right?

This is what we're doing here.

Should we nap or just go all the way to sleep?

So, yeah, and then we get Martin preaching about how God always wins in the end and everything.

And I'm like, isn't that contrary to your, like, we need to get out and do something message that this was all about?

And he's like, shut up.

Amen.

Amen.

Don't count China.

No, and there was, and there were like extra scenes on this and stuff.

There was like a whole extra segment at the end of this movie.

I hear in theory.

Yeah, they put up a QR code.

And of course, I scanned it.

Oh, did you?

It was fucking out of there.

I just slid out on their tears.

And And I was like, one of these nerds is going to fucking scan this code for me.

I aren't doing shit.

I scanned it.

It goes to godsnotdead.com/slash take-action.

Yeah.

And there's links to sign a pledge that you will vote.

Separately, there's also a link for like actually vote by registering.

There's a link to bonus scenes from this movie.

Ooh.

And a link to the newsboys because they're they made a new single assemble.

in God we trust, yeah.

And then we get their song called In God We Trust, and Narry a Soul was leaving the theater in my theater.

They were going nowhere.

I was the only one that walked out of mine.

Yeah.

Oh, you were waiting to find out if Thanos showed it.

They thought there was a Thanos scene, but then there's not.

And the lights came out.

And I got to watch everybody be like, oh.

And then in the silence, everybody did the thing where they put the recliner back down and it it makes fart noises all the time.

That's the only time we ever sit down.

And I laughed.

And it was the only time I was ever appreciated for a laugh.

Everybody was like,

farts.

All right.

Farts are funny.

We are united.

United, we stand.

Common ground.

I put your boot in.

This is like 9-11.

All right.

Well, I guess that's going to do it for our review of God's Not Dead 33.

Make theaters great again or whatever.

But that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to stir this pot again next week.

So Eli, tell us what's on deck.

Well, Noah, we just can't get that sweet, sweet movie popcorn craving out of our mouths.

So we're headed back to the theaters again

next week to watch our favorite documentarian and contributor to the Daily Wire, Matt Wallace.

Oh, God damn it.

Answer a question we already knew the answer to.

Am I racist?

That was the next theater over from with ah.

All right.

Well, with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 474 to a merciful close.

Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go.

If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash godawful and thereby earn early access to an ad-free version of every episode.

You can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms.

And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the Scathing Adias, Citation Data, DD Minus, and the Skiff Card available wherever podcasts live.

If you have questions, comments, or send media suggestions, you can email GodAwfulMoves at gmail.com.

Tim Robinson takes care of our social media.

Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Beeville Drops on Mars.

All the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morgan Clerk and was used with permission.

Thanks again for giving this chunk of your life this week for Heath Enright, Neli Bosnick.

I'm No Illusion's promised to work hard to earn another chunk next week.

Until then, we'll leave you with the breakfast club clothes.

David A.

R.

White went on to appear on our podcast from inside a claw machine.

Congress went on to impeach President Harris for wearing a tan suit.

God's Not Dead 6 is about how David A.

R.

White just needs to borrow 100 bucks from Christianity for Monday when he gets paid.

Come on, Christianity.

You know he's good.

My car's broke down.

It's just down there.

It's just down here.

Who the fuck?

I don't.

It's so funny because I put a thing on Facebook where I joked around.

I'm like, I'm made me at the theater at God's Not Dead 11 trying to...

And a bunch of people were like, Oh, wow, are they on 11 already?

Yeah,

it's like the Fast and the Furious movies.

We're done counting.

Yep, yep, we're done now.

Yep,

the woke left, they don't want you to know that.

No, they don't.

I always like to edit it out of the outtakes and stuff like that.

Right, yeah, wokeies.

All right, here we go.

The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle in a Thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2024.

All rights reserved.

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