No STDs in Heaven with Nicole Byer

The following podcast is a Dear Media production. What are you nuts? What are you nuts? Yeah, we're the good guys, they're not the great guys.
We're just the good, the good, the good guys. So we're sitting here with the great Nicole Byer, an honor to be with you.
Did you watch Super Bowl? Oh, I watched that Super Bowl. Did you? I did.
And? And I don't really understand football, but like I was at a bar and I really enjoyed the straight men being like, and I'm like, why are you so excited for something you had no control over, nor that you did or can do? That's wild to me. Wild.
So true. It's crazy.
It's crazy. Yeah.
I'd rather watch like ice skating with the gays where they're like, oh, girl work. Like, I don't know.
It's like, I mean, I stream it or just like they're too invested.

It's male soap opera sports.

It is.

It's our soap opera.

It that's yeah, that's a perfect way to put it.

We know the backstory.

It sounds like you might have been at an Eagles bar if there was a ton of cheering.

And all I have to say is it's good that they won because those Eagles fans can be mean when they're angry.

I truly enjoyed the aftermath where I think their mayor was like, please don't climb up light fucking poles. Don't climb on anything.
Please don't. Rioting is out, right? I'm done with rioting.
Rioting? Rioting. Oh, rioting.
Sorry, I need to enunciate. No, no, it's okay.
I have an underbite. You do? It's pretty severe.
I wouldn't have known. It's weird, right? I don't think it's an underbite.
It just feels like your teeth are friends. I agree.
Well, my teeth, one is trying to outshine the other. The top part's trying to outshine the other.
I'm just glad that you have your teeth and you didn't go Hollywood teeth veneers. Oh, I simply couldn't.
I like real teeth.

Me too.

I like watching movies where you're like,

those teeth are fucked.

Yeah.

Yeah.

My wife had a whack tooth and she fixed it for our wedding

and I miss it sometimes.

Sorry, Paige.

It's nice that she fixed it for the wedding.

She rotated it in,

in like a three-week Invisalign extreme course. Rotated it in? Yeah, it was like a canine that was off on an island.
Oh, I'm sure it was endearing. Josh, you can stay with me.
I loved it, but now it's back. I like quirky features on people.
I think we're all going to look like modern architecture soon the same yes with

like a zempic and lip fillers and botox and shit not me i'm a little different that stuff not me i don't want that ozempic fuck that but well we talked on your wonderful pod why won't you date me yes right that you dabbled in the arts of the ozems that is funny that i was like i'm not doing any of that. No, I'm fully on Manjaro.

Same, same.

Same. I just, you can ask

Josh, I just switched. any of that.
No, I'm fully on Manjaro.

Same, same, same.

I just, you can ask Josh.

But it's not to look like anybody.

I just want to not die.

I was on Ozympic for a year and a half.

I just switched to Trisepatide,

which is Manjaro.

And do you like it better?

Oh my God, I love it.

I like it better too.

So much better.

I have less nausea. I'm super focused on not eating except the last day.
Yesterday was day six. I had seven muffins.
Seven. I couldn't stop my wife.
She doesn't even bake. She baked.
And I couldn't believe it. I was like, holy shit.
These muffins are so good. I ate seven of them.
I them i get that yeah yeah the last day you just like forget who you are you black out and then the next day you inject again you become your superhuman again yeah it's like that that movie with bradley coops do you know limitless limitless yes that's what i feel like it is it's i think it's delightful it's nice because i don't obsess over food. But on that last day, right before you hit it, you're like, let me gobble, gobble.
Let me get it out. What does it look like? Can we describe our food blackouts when it gets really bleak? Oh, yeah.
Sure. Good.
Oh, at home, it's like 8.30, 9 p.m.

And I'm like, what if I smoke a little weed?

Then I'm stoned and I'm like, what if I order some food?

Then I open up Postmates and I order enough to feed the cul-de-sac.

And it all comes to me, bags and bags, lots of cutlery because they're like, surely she's sharing.

And then you eat little bites of all of it till you're too full. And then you go, I should go back for another round.
Then you eat some more until you're really, really full. Then you take a nap and then you wake up and then you eat more.
Yeah. Mine is identical, except at the very end, I look at myself in the mirror and contemplate suicide.
No, turn the lights off and go to bed. That's the end of my journey.
Two weeks ago, yesterday was the seven muffins.

Two weeks ago was a full pint of Fai yogurt.

I ate the whole pint.

What?

Get out of here.

Who gives a shit?

Yogurt?

It's too much.

Yogurt?

Anything in that quantity.

How long were you fat before Ozempic?

A lot.

My whole life.

My whole life.

And you're binging yogurt?

I'm trying.

These are new habits.

I'm trying. You have no idea.
I guess binging yogurt's better. It's literally not better.
A real food obsessed can binge. That's like when it gets really dark, when you're binging on healthy food because you're trying to be healthy.
I knew the great Teresa Strasser, who's this brilliant writer and friend of mine. She talked about her food issues and that she would binge on broccoli.
Wow. She just wanted to consume.
First of all, that must have been a fart fest. Yeah.
Unbelievable. That's tough on the Tom Tom.
When you binge on cruciferous. Oof.
Are you kidding me? Too smelly. Title.
That's funny. That's really funny.
That got me good. But what are you ordering from Postmates? Oh, wait, my phone is over there.
We can't show it. As long as it's a galaxy.
From memory or we are ending the bod. Okay, well, sometimes, you know, you get a whole pizza and then you eat the whole pizza and you get it with extra cheese and then you get a side of like meatballs and breadsticks and then sometimes you do a double dip or you get dessert from someplace else like BJ's a pizookie come on I love a pizookie I like when it comes in that little skillet and you know that skillet's only for cookies it's not big enough to make anything else no and it's like seasoned with extra cookies of past yes it's nice we can't talk about food without me mentioning that i'm a huge nailed it fan oh thank you for watching it not not only are you hilarious but like being able to watch a show that just like shows me delicious desserts it's fantastic you think that shit looks delicious i do i i think that some of them are very scary but i think that but i think that the the idea of that goes back to the binge eating okay i would eat all of it i'd eat any of it anything sugary i'll take it even the ones that don't look good but i'm a big fan thank you i appreciate it but you'd be surprised i love food and sometimes i'd, I don't think I'm hungry today.
Really? But also sometimes we had to taste a lot. Like one season, there were seven contestants and they had to make a cupcake, a cake, and then another cake.
So that's 14, 21. So that's 21 tastes of cake.
Yeah. After that, that really, that's, it's a lot.
It's not good. It's funny it's funny i hosted a food competition show for roku which is like hosting a show sponsored by the woods and really successful everybody loved it the food was we had six chefs and the food like i would say 99 of the dishes were unbelievable i couldn't believe it yeah.
Oh, that's so nice. Yeah.
That's nice. It was quite nice.
These people were fucking up like box cake. And that is, that's great.
But also, I fucked up noodles the other day. So, who am I to talk? What did you do? You overcooked them? No.
I watched a video where these chefs were like, you gotta over salt the water. It's supposed to taste like the sea.
So then I did that. And then my noodles were salty as hell.
And then I didn't cook them all the way through. So they were also crunchy and salty.
And then I over salted the meat sauce and then I put that on. So then it was just like too salty.
And then I had to throw it away. I had to throw away food.
Wow. Oh, that's terrible.
What a sad story. Benjamin, have you noticed anything different about me? Anything like new, like classier, chic, like tech forward, like a maybe like a Galaxy S25 Ultra from Samsung? I mean, it's hard not to notice.
You bring it everywhere. Thank you so much.
It's your new best friend. It's almost like it's a companion, Josh.
And honestly, it looks fantastic on you on you you with your buff arms cute smile a little bit lightly tight jeans the galaxy just i know i'm wearing too tight of a pant and i don't feel great about it um hey i just wanted to look the reality is and i just want to share this i i wasn't quite ready for a long time to make the change and get a Galaxy. But what I realized was like, you can't deny that these features are.
I mean, when you're talking about a 200 megapixel camera on here and a 50 megapixel ultra wide lens, like it's sick. I'm in the camera business, babe.
I record content. It's sick.
And I don't know if you noticed, but recently I posted a beautiful reel of a chopped salad. And perhaps you noticed that it looked a little bit clearer.
Josh, did you notice that maybe it looked a little bit more beautiful than my past posts? That's because Josh, I use the new galaxy and this camera I can, I can attest is out of this world. Oh, and by the way, a team from my town.
I don't I don't know if we just got a new semi known player. It's not a huge deal.
But I immediately use my A.I. companion.
I was like, yo, can you please go get the schedule? I always say please because, you know, A.I., but, you know, be nice to be nice. Be nice for sure.
Yeah. And I was like, can you please go and get the schedule from my favorite basketball team and actually put it on my calendar? So I know every time that there's a game and it's just one ask, multiple tasks.
It's unbelievable. Like we can be so lazy.
We don't need to do anything anymore because the galaxy is here. Yes.
Do you do the daily brief? You like this? The now brief? Of course. This thing, this now brief, it's like I'm the president, maybe not of America, but of the class.
President of the class. You're not even the president of your own house.
Where are you the president? In your own mind? In my small office that my wife allows me to have. But, you know, with Now Brief, it's cool because every morning I get like a daily brief of like weather or energy scores my appointments.
It's great. I feel very powerful.
But anyway, enough is enough. Listen, we can only gush so much.
Ben, do you want to tell the people how they can get one? Get your Galaxy S25 Ultra now at Samsung.com. It's as easy as that.
Certain features compatible with select apps and require Google Gemini account results may vary based on input. Check responses for accuracy.
Now Brief displays daily select information and select apps. A internet connection may be required.
Galaxy AI features by Samsung free through 2025 require a Samsung account login. Certain features compatible with select apps and require Google Gemini account results may vary based on input.
Check responses for accuracy. This episode of the Good Guys podcast is brought to you by our friends at Carraway.
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It's going to be juicy.

Can I take you guys

through my Super Bowl meal?

Because I went pretty dark

and insane.

So we start the day.

I decide I'm going to make

spinach artichoke dip.

And I'm going to do it.

We're not going to do

some shit chip,

some cracker.

We're going to be classy

and get a nice sourdough baguette.

Oh, little crostinis. So I go to this incredible bakery in the morning.
gonna do some shit chip some cracker we're gonna be classy and get a nice sourdough baguette oh

little crostinis so i go to this incredible bakery in the morning get two beautiful sourdoughs and i go there's this candied croissant thing i said let's start the day off right so i'm pounding that on my my drive back there is nothing left by the time i get home the bakery is three minutes from the house go. Gobbling, okay? Because I'm like, if I land and it's gone, I never had it.
Yes. Yes.
Yes. If you go to McDonald's and eat it in the car and it's gone by the time you get home, you didn't have McDonald's and you can have second dinner.
Yes. And then I start to make the spinach artichoke tip, but the sourdough is so good.
This baguette that I got and I've got too much bread. And go, I'm just going to get some butter.
I have some nice butter in the fridge and I'm just smacking like thick ass pieces of butter. Like you can see your teeth in the bite on the sourdough.
Right. This is then my wife's made this beautiful homemade family recipe macaroni salad for the party.
OK, but I go. Now, this is a light.
It's very light. It's not too creamy.
There's notes. There's a little vinegar in there.
Oh, perfect. Okay.
I crush two bowls, right? Elbows. You know what I'm saying? The king of noodles.
I do like an elbow, but I also like a capitelle. Delish.
Don't get me started. I love a capitelle.
Then I'm crushing at my mother-in-law's house. We're doing chicken tenders, teriyaki chicken wings.
There was a cupcake assortment, French onion dip. It was, it started to get out of control.
My wife all of a sudden was like, oh, I made pretzels. I'm like, when and where? And who does that? Homemade pretzels.
That's nice. That is nice.
Pretzels. It was a smorgasbord.
Oh, and then my mother-in-law made banana cream pie. That's nice.
My favorite. My favorite.
You guys ready for this, kids? With the Nilla wafers? The wafers? But she made it in a trifle. So it wasn't in the pie.
It was in like a baking pan. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It was like a banana cream lasagna. Yeah, that's nice.
Yes, that's it. Oh, that's it's really nice like magnolia have you had that one for magnolia oh i think it's just okay i've had a lot of good homemade ones and i think it's just okay i think magnolia is a little overrated well just a little i think their banana cream pie is the cat's meow he's nice he lives in the a hundred year old man.
Well, he lives in the Upper East Side. He's talking like his friend.
It's the shit. Oh, it's so good.
I made, it was just me and Claudia, Josh. Yes.
I made Crunchwrap Supremes from scratch. Oh, that's lovely.
Unreal. I made a seven layer bean dip.
Wait, what was the meat in the Crunchwrap Supreme? It was all beef, brown beef. Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. This was fantastic.
The refried beans, the yellow rice. It was...
What you'll learn, Nicole, is that Ben is a cafeteria Jew. Oh.
In that he picks and chooses what he wants. Tell her about the Philly cheesesteak you had the day before.
I did, but I just want you to know, Josh, there was no cheese in my Crunchwrap Supreme, so out of that, okay? Wait, there was no cheese in the Crunchwrap Supreme? What are we doing? No, I picked and chose for the day. I can't.
Then that's not, I don't know. To me, that's not a Crunchwrap Supreme if there's no cheese on it.
My seven-layer bean dip. Josh, you brought us down a dark path.
Our seven-lay layer bean dip. Do we like bean dip? I can take it or leave it.
I'm not a huge bean head. Yeah, me either.
Grilled salami. I made homemade mini hot dogs.
We like pigs in a blanket. Yeah, that's nice.
I love a pig in a blanket. Oh, a little puff pastry.
Puff pastry. Puff it up.
A lot of butter in that puff pastry mixed with that meat.

Nicole, I don't know what your kosher is like, but as you know, at your shul, kosher means you don't mix meat and dairy.

Yes, I know that.

Yes.

You know, such a Jersey gal.

Yes.

And I just, I don't understand how there could be a video the day before and then we say, but there was no cheese in the Crunchwrap.

And we say that in a celebratory fashion.

The thing about Josh and Nicole is that in a celebratory fashion the thing the thing that nicole about josh nicole is that he has he is an issue with the people choosing to live their life however they want okay are you kosher no yes no you're not i i you are not i do i do my best n not. I do my best, Nicole.

I do my best.

Okay.

I grew up.

Do you have a kosher kitchen?

Relatively religious.

No.

I do.

Look, here's the thing.

I do have a kosher kitchen.

I have different meat forks.

I have different dairy forks.

Do you have different things?

I have different meat plates.

I don't have different sinks.

No, I don't go to that level.

Okay.

Okay.

The two big Jews over there. The two of you.
Okay. When you moved in, did you sanitize it? Did you do the whole sanitizing process? I burned it to the ground when I moved in and I built it from scratch.
It was complete arson. I moved in.
I lit the doorman on fire. The doorman then lit the drapes.
That's too soon for the people living in California. Yes.
Well, Karen Bass. Do you love Karen Bass as much as Ben does? I mean, she's interesting.
Karen Bass Pro Shop. That's going to be your next chapter.
Can you imagine? That would be so funny. Have you seen the Bass Pro Shops that are shaped like pyramids? Yeah, what a collab.
What are they doing? I love an outdoor shop. I don't care who knows it.

That's funny.

Do you like camping?

Never.

I'll never do it.

It's ridiculous.

Go home at the end of the night.

I agree.

Yeah.

I don't want to be outside.

I love inside.

You can't see.

It's dark.

You're in the woods.

Yeah.

Go to Motel 6.

Come back early.

There's certainly no need to sleep there.

Did you get that Disney money?

I don't. One thing about Josh, he won't stay at a nice hotel.
Courtyard Marriott, that's the top. Wait, really? No, I will, but I was saying it as it pertains to a campsite.
Oh, sure, sure, sure. That's the closest thing.
I get it. We're not having a Ritz-Carlton in the woods.
Yeah, there's not a Ritz-Carlton in the frickin' Poconos. Maybe there is.
It's probably a nice hotel. I don't know.
We don't know. Let's never look it up.
I'm not going to the Poconos. Right.
Where did you vacation living in Central Jersey growing up? The Jersey Shore? No, we didn't really vacation. We grew up like we were destitute.
We drove to Chicago every year in the summer because that's where my family lived. And when I grew up, I was like, oh, I think we could have flown.
I think I don't think it would have broke the bank, but we drove every year. And my dad would not turn on the air because that wasted gas.
So then he would just turn on the vents. So hot air would blow at us.
Oh, my. And it took 16 hours.
It took so long. So long.
You're driving through Indiana. Yes.
Well, no, Pennsylvania is the worst. Pennsylvania never ends.
Yes. And then Ohio is not so bad.
And Indiana to get to Chicago is not that bad, but it's Pennsylvania that sucks. Ugh.
Are you guys singing songs? Is there punch buggy? No. Daddy's like, shut up.
No. You're like shut up no it was awful are we doing drive-thrus are we doing snacks on the road we would be like we are hungry please we're hungry then my dad would be like well we're not out of gas yet we would only get fed when he had to refuel and then we would go to mcdon McDonald's and then we would only be able to get like little,

the little happy meals.

And you'd be like, but I haven't eaten in hours.

And he'd be like, sorry about it.

You know, I respect that only eating when you refill.

That is how, that is time management at its finest.

Yeah.

But you have children, literally just children, like six-year-olds being like, please feed

me.

And we would have like snacks, but the snacks would be gone very quickly. You should have loaded up harder at the rest stop before.
You thought we were allowed to buy treats? Oh, you thought that was a nice? No, eat the Ritz crackers in the car. And you're like, but they've been gone for two hours.
Yes. I ate them on the back seat.
They were great to to begin with they were a bit dry in the beginning

they're so dry

rich crackers are very underrated though

they're a delicious snack

they're apparently so bad for you

they're just like filled with oil

how do you do that to a cracker

what America does to food is kind of wild

how about a club cracker

you ever done one of those in a green box

those are also bad for you

50 cents favorite cracker

sorry cut that out guys

I don't know if that's true i don't want 50 to come for me but it is it's his favorite imagine eminem responding he's like that's not my favorite cracker it's eminem cut that out speaking of our people can we just talk finish about the super bowl are people such fucking losers for booing taylor swift that was weird that was so weird this woman so mean who cares if you don't like her just don't go to her concerts don't listen to her music don't boo her in person she's a human being who can hear and see you yes it's eagles fans it's eaglesagles fans that's it the whole arena was eagles fans and eagles fans just don't care about anything but the eagles the same way that 76ers fans don't care about anything but the 76ers it's these philadelphia people okay it's a good thing that they won because they would have rioted so i'm happy that they. And yeah, Taylor Swift being booed.
Not cool. This woman, she's she's a great, great artist.
I did like that. She was like, what's happening? She was like me.
Is this for me? What is going on? Yes. Because that's what I would have done.
Like, really? And she doesn't hurt anyone by being Taylor Swift and dating some handsome football. Like it doesn't hurt the NFL.

Cause there's a few two cutaways.

Oh,

I'm sorry.

Do I need to look at the offensive coordinator drinking Gatorade longer?

Show me that fucking skybox.

I want to see her with all the homes.

I do wish she had stood up and then just like put her arms out and been like,

give me more.

Yeah.

Evil.

Yeah.

Evil era. Like whatever.
She's got so much money. She doesn, give me more.
Yeah. Evil.
Yeah. Evil era.

Like whatever.

She's got so much money.

She doesn't give a shit if maybe she's sad, you know, the day after.

But like at the end of the day, she's going to hop on her private jet and have a nice

time.

Yeah.

A very nice time.

She has so much money.

So much money.

Oh, my God.

The problems that that money solves.

People say money doesn't solve problems.

Have Taylor Swift's money. It does.
Okay. It does.
You have no problems if you have that much money. A leak in your house.
You never deal with it. Your assistant deals with it.
Your assistant's assistant's assistants deal with it. I want that.
Even the worst. Even the worst problem.
You can buy it. It's fine.
What? Your friend dies? Buy a new friend. You know? Like money.
Maybe clone them. Clone them.
Clone them that's what barbara streisand did with her dogs i know and she also has a mall in her home well yeah she's a doll city i want to be rich i know i want to have stupid shit i want a go-kart track in my backyard yeah give me a couple of like dumb rich a go-kart definitely a go-kart track in my backyard. Like a dirt track or like the indoor? Like a paved outdoor go-kart track.
I would love to have like a pool that is like fake rocks that looks like it's in Hawaii, but it's not. And then like a big old slide.
Oh my God. What else do I want? Wow.
I've never really thought of it. A shoe room.
A shoe room. A wig room.
Do you like all types of shoes? Do you like high heels? Do you like sneakers? What's your... Sorry? I wear a lot of sneakers.
I only really wear sneakers. I have so many heels that I just look at and then sometimes try on and then ask my dog if he likes them and then I put them right away.
I get it. They're so hard to walk in.
Olivia, our high heels is ridiculous. I think it's kind of goofy.
I wear mostly sneakers or loafers. It's always nice to dream about having a high heel, but no, I don't commit to the bit.
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Service is not available in all states. I want to go back to things that we'd get in our house if we were loaded because I like this.
Josh, what are you getting? Something crazy. I don't have crazy.
Like I'm so frugal. Like I want a sauna and I won't pull the trigger.
That's so attain i know they sell them at costco yeah that is so you could literally reach out to a company and they'll send you one they offered shout out sunlight saunas i don't know why i'm shouting them out i didn't take them up on it why just take it i gotta put i gotta put power on the other side of the garage not that anybody asked but i'm getting a hibachi table and a hibachi chef. That's my rich dream.
Oh, see, that's nice. But that's doable, too.
I have a live-in hibachi chef. I have a hibachi table.
And I say, it's hibachi time. And he's like, Ben, it's 830 in the morning.
I'm like, it's hibachi time. That's being rich.
That's fun. But does the chef, are there other workers who live with you or just the chef? No, it's justibachi time.
That's that's that's fine. But yeah, does the chef.

Are there other workers who live with you or just the show?

It's just me and him.

If you want anything not made on a flat top, he's out.

He's like, I can't use a skillet.

You could have anything from Waffle House.

Oh, yeah, you could.

I do love a Waffle House.

I found a waffle maker in my kitchen.

I didn't know I had one.

And then I had my boyfriend made waffles for me and it was so lovely. I was like, wow, this is how like civilized people live.
They cook for themselves. I don't I know I'm bad at cooking, so I don't do it.
What about because you have a podcast? Yes. Why won't you date me? But you're in a relation.
I know people bring it up. How's that? So far, so good.

Yeah?

I hope when this airs, it's still going good.

By next Thursday.

Oh, God.

I got to text him and be like, is it okay?

Yeah, it's going great.

He's so nice.

Is he a civilian or is he in showbiz?

No, he's a civilian.

So I don't really like talk too, too much about him because I'm trying to figure out what's respectful, privacy-wise for him.

Because he didn't ask for this.

Here we go. So I don't I don't really like talk to too much about him because I'm trying to like figure out what's respectful privacy wise for him.

He didn't ask for this. He didn't ask to be talked about.
He didn't ask. Yeah, he simply didn't ask for this.

And what's navigating that like? Does it feel natural or did you spend a lot of time single?

So it's like you're learning it's a new thing. I spent a lot of time single and I was in like a situation ship for like a year and a half, almost two years.

And he was like, do not talk about me ever.

So then that was super hard because I was like, but I do talk about my life. And then I would just like mention him, be like, I was on a date with somebody like I would just like because it was a date.
So I wasn't lying, but I wasn't like, oh, this is this person that I've basically been seen. Yeah, but I wasn't his girlfriend.

And I once was like, you're my boyfriend, right? And he was like, both parties have to agree to that. And I was like, OK, I guess I die now.
And I wrote a joke about that conversation and I asked him if I could tell it. And he said yes.
And he came to the show. And then he was like, you can't tell that again.
I was like, OK, this guy sounds like a real winner. Oh, yeah.
He was fun.

He was as if like a red flag, like anamorphed into a person.

And I was like, I'll stay.

I like that. But now I'm dating somebody who's like genuinely very sweet and has said openly, like, I don't mind if you talk about me.

Just I trust you, which to me means, oh, I trust you to not say like super intimate things or like reveal like, you know, personal personal stuff about him, because that's not nice. That's not fair.
That's so healthy. Like I remember I dated a girl forever who would forever ago, but we only dated for three months because she would just like drink and walk around her apartment when people were there shirtless.
And I'd be like, that's just Dana. That's great.
I thought so too. Apparently it's a red flag.
That's so funny. Because people were like, she's cheating on you.
Yeah, probably. I was like, shirtless Dana's cheating on moi? But what would it take for her to take her shirt off? Couple sips.
And was it titties out or like in a bra? Boobies out. But she didn't.
She had the perfect boobs to walk around without a shirt on. See, if I had great, great titties, you couldn't stop me.
I would show them to everybody and be like, can you believe i have these that's what i would do like if i didn't need top surgery from being morbidly obese i would i knew that'd get you i would walk around with my shirt off constantly it's just the choice to say morbidly obese it's just very fun it's the top surgery for me i remember i went to a plastic surgeon once to be like you know i have some skin around my chest from losing a bunch of weight i'd love to have it and she's like no problem it's so when we do the top surgery i was like sorry it is it is wild to say to like a cis man top like top surgery just implies breasts. And you're like, you didn't have to say that.
I knew what they were. You saying it out loud really solidifies what they are.
And I no longer can live in a fantasy that it's just a little extra skin. I got some titties.
Sometimes doctors are so mean. You're in my head.
You are my inner monologue. Oh, it hurts, but it's good.
Yeah, and you're like, okay. Yeah.
Okay. We didn't move forward with it.
She's like, here's your options. Horrible scarring or a little extra skin.
I was like, it all sounds bad. Yeah, it sounds bad.
Yeah, that's a ceasefire no one wants.

Should we get to some

stories, Ben? Ben, you got anything

else? No, throw in a story.

Wait, before you throw in a story,

have you guys seen,

I think it's like Temptation Island

Spain. Have you seen

the videos of this man, Montoya?

No.

Olivia? So it's in Spanish.

So I simply don't really understand the premise

I'm going to go ahead and get started. in Spain.
Have you seen the videos of this man, Montoya? No. I don't know.
So it's in Spanish. So I simply don't really understand the premise of it.
No idea, right? But the video is of this man watching a video of his girlfriend getting fucking blasted by somebody else, like railed, like fucked, like back blown out. And then he starts like running.
The host just goes and he runs along the beach there's lightning in the sky and then he like falls to the sand and he's like no i have no idea what's going on or why they have to watch their significant others fuck other people holy crap but then he did something i saw another video he did he disobeyed the rules so he wasn't allowed to watch her fuck somebody else he had to turn his back while the other men watched and told him what happened this show is just to torture this one man montoya oh my god this sounds unbelievable. It's wild and I've just been getting little pieces fed

to me and I'm waiting for the whole

episode to get stitched together so I can understand

what's going on. Oh my God.

I found my new favorite show. We don't have

good enough shows in the States.

We need Temptation Ireland.

I agree. That brings us to our next

segment. Who would you want to be cuckolded by?

So here's the thing.

Should we all talk about it? I definitely wouldn't want my wife to be with a guy who was like, like if she was with Chris Hemsworth, that would just bum me out. Yeah.
Because I'd be like, yeah, you're right. Good move.
Yeah. I would too.
Yeah. No? I'm trying to think of like a hot person.
I'd be like, oh, I guess that's okay.ett if you fucked angela bassett i'd be like i get it she's so strong and i love what love got to do with it but i almost think josh like a chris hensworth you'd feel better than like watching page have sex with mclovin or like somebody like really like i don want that. I don't know to lose, lose.

Yeah. I don't know why I brought it up.

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What are you guys doing for, uh, you got anything going on for Valentine's Day with your book? I said you can either plan something or not because I don't know what I want and I felt wild being like plan something surprise me I don't know I simply don't know what I want so we might do something we might not it depends my friends in the food biz and Ben's a celebrity chef so good insight on this, Ben. They go, Valentine's Day is a hoax.
It's bullshit for restaurants. You're going to get crappy food, completely overpriced.
The move is you go out the 13th or the 15th, and you spend the 14th in. I think that's what we might be doing, because I made reservations at Luso and Frank.
I've never been there. Classy.
So we're going the day after Valentine's Day, because I couldn't get it on Valentine's Day. And he was like, honestly, Nicole, that's better.
And I was like, I did it. I did good.
I did good. I'm a good girl.
Please. And then he was like, shut up.
Stay with me. Oh, I know.
It's so scary. It's new.
Yes. It's fun.
It's nice fun it's nice you deserve love hey thank you that's what my therapist says all the time you do you do she says all parts of you deserve to be loved and that took a real long time to understand because i was like what do you mean of course yeah all parts of me but then i'd like be annoying and be like he's gonna break up with me because i was just so fucking annoying. And he's like, no, no, you took a nap and you were fine.
Yeah. Say more about that.
Taking naps? That end. What were you nervous about him not loving? Oh, that I'm just like loud, that I love tee hee hee and ha ha ha.
I'm just a loud person. Like I scream so much.
And I'm just I'm weird. I'm just I'm a strange person.
I just thought he would get sick of it. And he seems to not get sick of it.
He seems to find it nice. Isn't that amazing? It's really nice because I've dated a lot of men who are like, I don't.
You're very loud or you're always late. I'm like, yes, I'm black.
We run at a different a different timeline than everybody else.

But I'm super late to everything. And my boyfriend is very kind and always asks, do you need more time?

Are you still good for that time? And it's just a nice way of him being like, I know you're probably running behind just so I know.

Like, what is your estimated time of it's just nice and it feels considerate because sometimes I will have a long day and I will be rushing to get somewhere. And then he's like, it's okay if you need, like, 20 more minutes or an hour more.
Like, it's just, it's really considerate and kind as opposed to, like, him being like, why can't you be on time? And it's like, genetics. Yeah.
He's a real sweetie. That's so nice.
That's nice. Well, I've got a story here and you know, why not? And this was, I ate 30 eggs a day for 30 days, mostly raw.
All the changes to my body, including sex drive, energy and cholesterol were positive, but I almost got broken up with. Can you imagine? Can you imagine those egg toots? Can you imagine? Joseph Everett, everett creator of the popular what i've learned youtube channel devoured 900 eggs in a month oh my god when did he do this not recently 36 eggs a day oh yeah did you egg truck got broken into and the eggs were stolen i was like this is funny black market fucking eggs we're looking at the dumbest timeline.
Totally. Like, I feel dumb all day, every day.
The bird flu? What are we doing? Measles is back. What are we doing? I was not expecting measles to return.
No, because there's vaccines that eradicated it. Like, remember chicken pox? Yeah.
I got chicken pox. Ben, did you get chicken pox? Of course.
They don't get it now because there's a vaccine. Yep.
And people will probably stop taking that one too and then they'll come back to the... But then you rob people down the road of shingles and that's not cool.
You saw that the broccoli... I think broccoli is killing people.
It was either Walmart or Costco. There's a big recall on broccoli.
Really?'s deadly i sent that to you josh right it was broccoli yeah yeah yeah broccoli killing people left and right they're dying this guy from eating the eggs gained 13 pounds of muscle mass oh protein he had a notable drop in triglycerides don't know what that means he was able to lift 44 more pounds no But he said that it wasn't without a tick-ups. On night five, he admitted, I had so much gas I couldn't sleep.
And my girlfriend asked me to sleep on the sofa because the flatulence was keeping her awake. Men get dedicated to a lot of weird shit.
Totally. The fact that that man had to sleep on a couch with a woman in the nice comfy bed, and he said, no, I will forge ahead.
I will continue to eat raw fucking eggs. Were they raw? They were raw? Yeah.
Oh, man. Not for me.
Cook my eggs. Yeah.
Love a cooked egg. Cooking is an option.
Yeah, cook them. Do it.
Raw eggs? For what? I guess to body build. what's the difference? You can't have a big omelet? Oh, I guess not.
What do we think about on a quasi serious note? You know, this bombshell report came out about Liam Payne, former, sadly, deceased from One Direction. And they're saying things like struggled with sexuality and like all these things coming out.
And then the great Twitch from Ellen, the Ellen show who passed away sadly, and his wife sort of did this tell all book. Like, what is this with bringing things up when people are gone? I simply don't know.
I think it's fucking weird when a person can't defend themselves. Me too.
Yeah. We shouldn't be publicly talking about them.
That's weird.o fucking behavior unnecessary i don't like it me too once you're once you're dead i definitely don't care what your sexuality was when you were alive no you're dead no my business he's dead he can fuck whoever he wants your raw dog whatever ghost he wants like anybody could you imagine there's no stds in heaven huh i don't think so new movie a bunch of people in heaven being like oh i'm itching what's going on is it that new guy that's how they know the devil's taking over everybody in heaven already has hpv come on the whole world does come on everybody's got it so hot i mean if you don't have HPV have you been fucking did you hear that that comedian Jim Jeffries got he the village people want to sue him over the YMCA he said it's not about gay dudes so I guess Jim Jeffries said that YMCA is a gay anthem yeah and he got a letter a letter from Victor Willis, wife, Karen Willis, who also manages the VP lead singer that ripped into Jim for his obscene and derogatory and false description of the hit song and sent a cease and desist. I don't want to get sued, so I don't know if I should comment.
That said, it definitely is a gay anthem. I thought all of them were gay and it was great the ymca was it's about young men and hanging out and doing the ymca yeah and being gay and they're dressed like strippers right isn't like a construction worker a little cop uh yes a fireman but also that to me sucks because I'm like, that implies that

being gay is bad or something that's gay

is bad. Totally.
Like,

what? You should be so happy.

You should be so happy that a group of people

embrace the song. She should counter sue.

We should counter sue. We should counter sue.

We should. Yeah, let's sue

the village people. All of them.

All four of the, I don't know, how many people

are in the village people?

I mean, they're called the village people. The West Village people four of the i don't know how many people were in the village people it's i mean they're i thought it was called the village people the west village people no i don't know well there was another story and i think this one is interesting but i've lost it you want to get do some call-ins wait real people well they leave us messages okay okay it's called a speak pipe but they're real humans uh if you want to leave us a.
Oh, yeah. Okay.
Okay. It's called a speak pipe.
But they're real humans.

If you want to leave us a message, get some advice.

Go to speakpipe.com slash good guys.

Keep it brief.

Brevity is key.

Here's from, I don't know.

Guys, major moron here.

Yesterday, I heard a story about someone's partner stopped canoodling with them.

And the only way that they could get off was by having their partner describe an entire

Thanksgiving meal course by course until the end, the grand finale, if you will.

Anyways, I was like, Claudia Page, is that you?

What are you nuts?

Those are our wives.

Love you guys.

No serious offense.

And also in case you were confused, we call our listeners morons. That's why she said moron here.
Okay. Okay.
So she's saying that her and her, she heard that two people aren't having sex anymore. She said canoodling.
Canoodling. Yeah, that's also something that we do.
Yeah, we're sometimes PG, sometimes R-rated. We're a confusing bunch.

But her lingo is straight from us. So they no longer canoodle, but they read Thanksgiving menus to each other.

And course by course until the person climaxes.

Yes.

It's like constant missionary.

Thanksgiving isn't different.

Every night you want to hear the same, it ends with turkey.

That's so confusing for me. Maybe we fried the turkey this time.
Like this time we did a dry rub. Oh, okay.
All right. A turduncan.
Okay. All right.
Maybe there is some variety. But like, I don't know.
I'm fat, but not that fat. I'm not coming to fucking mac and cheese.
Hearing about it? No, I gotta eat it. Unless it's smoked turkey.
None of this Thanksgiving turkey. Maybe a nice smoked turkey sandwich.
That I could. I'm not a turkey gal.
I'll say that on my own time. No one is.
But I did have a really great turkey one Thanksgiving. My old roommate, John Millhiser, made this turkey that was the moistest turkey I've ever had.
It was so good. And we ate it for days.
Wow. And it never dried out.
And I simply don't know what he did. He came in it.
He came in it? Yuck. This is seconds after you said you're PG.
My old roommate came in a turkey and then I ate it and I have good memories and now you've ruined them for me? Okay. Okay.
Upper East Side, daddy. We're talking about climaxing.

Can we move on?

She even gave his first and last name.

Yeah.

Yeah, what if this gets clipped out and his family hears it?

His mother's like, did you come in a turkey?

He works at H&R Block. He's going to lose his job.

This is another one from, I don't know.

Hey, good guys. This is Douglas.
from, I don't know. Hey, good guys.

This is Douglas.

Nail Moron here.

Just reaching out.

Curious what your guys' ideal breakfast is.

Like, if you're going to have a big, delicious breakfast, what's on the menu?

What's on the table?

Lay it out for us.

Because every time you guys do this, it makes my mouth water.

I absolutely adore it.

Hope you have a wonderful day.

Thanks.

This is the Thanksgiving guy. Yeah, truly.
i moved on to breakfast and i gotta come who doesn't like a little morning sex honey oh i recently went on a pancake journey where every saturday we would go get pancakes but i've since relinquished that dream and have really come come to the realization that pancakes for the table is the move. And then I like a savory.
I like bacon, eggs, toast, a little jam on that toast. Some fruit, maybe a little whipped cream to go on the pancakes.
Yeah, depending on what kind of pancakes they are. But I love a lemon ricotta.
Delicious. Maybe a little blueberry compote.
Oh, that's nice. Yeah, it is.
Oh, that's nice. Oh, it sure is.
Same here. I'm a big French toast guy.
If I'm going sweet, I love a big challah French toast. That's nice.
French toast for the table. French toast for the table.
The pancakes, if you can do a chocolate chip silver dollar pancake, you get those little ones. You can roll them up by hand and dunk them into the little maple syrup.
Fantastic. Then I like an omelet.
I think you've got to wrap them up in sausage to break up the sweet. Oof, that sounds fantastic.
Need that. A little hash brown.
I love a potato. I do like a potato.
Yes, a little hash brown. Ooh, a crispy hash brown.
I don't like breakfast potatoes like the Chunkums.

No, that's crazy.

Nice and crispy.

Where are we?

Yeah, stop it.

Outer Michigan?

That's not an appropriate thing.

Outer Michigan?

Upper Peninsula?

What are we, at the top of the middle?

Yeah, what are we, in Canada?

Keep your potatoes, Ontario!

Keep your fucking Manitoba potatoes to yourself And eat them in Regina Regina I like a donut I love donuts Donuts are nice But I also like, I fox with the parfait I'll go hard body karate Like a well done And I know it sounds healthy We all know it isn't No, it we all know it isn't. No it's not.
It's not. It's the granola that's sweet.
Bulky ass granola. Honey.
Fruits. If you like a parfait I think it's called Good Things Cafe in the lower east side.
They have like an acai parfait bowl and it's like I don't know how they do it but the like the acai is like frozen-y but also creamy is really good and there's berries in it and And there's like oats. Oh, that's a nice time.
I would recommend it to you, but you're all the way up there. Yeah, I'll take my car down there.
Don't worry about it. Park in front of the bus station.
Hi, guys. I'm Allie from NYC.
I have a quick question. Josh, I'm on your IMDb and I see you were in Captain America Civil War.
What the hell were you in that movie? I feel like I've seen it a good amount of times and I have to know. Anyway, you guys, rack me up.
Both of you, congrats on having babies. BH, BH, BH.
Yeah, let me know. I'm so curious.
First of all, what were you? A human being who's an actor. That's who you were.
That's exactly right. That was a little rude.
God bless you. Oh, really? BH is Baruch Hashem, which in Hebrew is thank you God, which we say a lot.
And we're both, both our wives are pregnant. Him with his beautiful first child.
Oh. Baruch Hashem, because we're very, you know, the Jews, we're always worried.
We're nervous. We praise up.
Uh-huh. Me with my third.
So it's all over me. Three.
I know. It sounded good when we were trying.
Wild. So here's the crazy thing.
People have asked. Captain America Winter Soldier.
There is a Josh Peck credited on that film. It's not you.
It's not me. Here's another crazy thing.
The great Chris Evans has a. Has a friend from growing up.
Yes. Named Josh Peck.
Mmm. It is his assistant.
Ah. That he puts on all his films.
Mm-hmm. So he worked on Winter Soldier.
Here's the crazy part. Years ago, and I'm going to augment this to try to not get the person who fucked up in trouble.
Okay. One day, I'm looking two three years ago uh-huh and i see an email for a deal a deal memo for chris evans yeah wow and when i tell you it's everything people who who are listening don't understand how personal that is that's wild especially for a movie star yes like for you know for me it's like oh josh would like coffee in his trailer i need to know the detail you don't get a trailer and i'm like you have a tent yeah also i i real quick i once did a movie very bit part where i did have a tent and the tent blew away when I was trying to change out of my costume.
And I really was like, the world will continue to humble me in a wild way. And I don't know what I did to deserve that.
Let me shine. Let me have a, let me have a, what is it? A fucking honey wagon, the little itty bitty slim trailer with no bathroom.
Let have that please yeah but keep going so i get this and it is his the only thing that was not included it was for a new film he was going to do was his fee so i didn't know okay but i knew his travel expense his per diem uh-huh how much hair and makeup with his personal hair and makeup people were going to get, his trainer, his assistant, his driver. If the movie was successful, what the publicity tour would look like.
Wow. Private, private planes.
It was in depth. And I.
That's fun. Read it a bunch.
Yeah. I would memorize it.
I would then just start reciting it to people at parties. Hold the phone.
Did I get every word? $1,200 for protein powder. And so after I stared at it good and long.
Real quick. Did the movie come out? It's out.
Okay. The movie has come out.
Okay. And by the way, shout out the great Chris Evans.
We actually did do a little indie movie when I was like 12 and he was 18.

And so always been a lovely guy.

And this was just a mess up on someone's part who I won't say.

So I am attached on an email with a bunch of people.

So I write the person.

I take everyone off of C and I just write the person directly.

I go, I am not the Josh Peck you're looking for.

I said, you've sent me this mistakenly. I've destroyed it i want you to know so it doesn't happen again they write me back thank you so much really appreciate it i'm i'm correcting this i got emails the next three years that's incredible it was like god playing a joke on me every four months that's incredible i'd be like i guess i didn't get that under five on ncis newark chris evans is doing a fucking that is so marvel movie funny yeah that's wild did you ever respond again to be like you have to take me off of this? I finally called the person and I go, this is how I knew they were really messed up because the secretary answers and they go, hello, so and so.
And I go, hi, this is Josh Peck calling for so and so. And they go, oh, we'll put you right through.
I'm like, that's never happened. I always hear this.
Call back! Not here! And the person gets right on quick. Yes.
And goes, hey, Josh, what's going on, man? So, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, for Chris. I go, do you know which Josh this is? And he goes, yeah, it's Josh, Chris's guy.
I go, no, it's no it's not and he goes oh i go yeah i've been getting emails for years uh-huh you got to do something about this he goes oh man somebody messed up all right thanks click that was it and the emails have stopped sorry chris my god I know. I hope Chris Evans hears this And reaches out to you to find out who that person is So you can fucking fire them You made the mistake and you're gonna hang up on somebody? That's right Get real Grow up Get fucked My god I don't like that at all.
Yeah. Well, I get a couple deal emails too, okay? You heard a Hallmark channel? You heard a Lifetime? Well, you know, ladies are loyal fans, and I think those are good places to be.
I'm like, premium economy, I'll take it. I was like, big seat on spirit.

It is iconic that an airline calls it big seat.

Also,

planes are falling out of the sky and we're like,

not bugging out about it.

Like they are.

What?

Yeah,

they are.

There was a crash yesterday.

There are so many crashes.

We got to fucking figure this out.

It's no good.

Is it the drones?

Is it the Jersey drones? I don't know.

And that's a weird thing that never got solved.

Where is the Malaysian flight?

We all stopped talking about that. These are the questions we need to be asking.

A whole plane got evaporated?

Where is it at? Where's Amelia?

Where is it?

Where is that dumb bitch?

Where did she go?

Making us all look bad. They say you're the first bitch up there.
She went, I'm going to disappear. What? Oh, yeah.
We never figured it out. No, we don't know where that bitch is.
And who is Sacagawea? Who is she? Who is she? Who is she? We ask the hard questions. Thank you.
She's got a gold dollar. I should know about this person.
No. She traveled with Lewis and clark i don't know i think she did she did something good it sounds great she does have a gold dollar remember when they were gonna put harriet tugman on tugman on the i call her tugman for a very long time in mixed company i said it and they're like that's not her name and you of all people should know that and i said okay yeah you.
But they were like going to put her on the $20 bill and then we never did. What happened? I don't know.
We're doing away with the penny. You saw that? The penny's gone.
Penny's out. Do you know how much it costs? But what if it's $9.99 and I hand them a 10? What then happens? Do you know how much it costs? I just found this out.
Do you know how much it costs to make the penny one penny three cents that's a bad deal and trump knows deals so you know how much nine cents it costs nine cents to make ten cents nine sorry to make the nickel nine cents to make a nickel yeah We have problems with our change. No more change.
Change is done. No more 9.99.

Whole numbers.

Whole numbers. a nickel yeah we have problems with our change no more change change is done no more 9.99 whole numbers whole numbers should we get to what are you nuts yeah all right our final segment is called what are you nuts it's our gripes with people places and things big or small whatever's currently sticking in your craw ben and i will start you go last ben what do you got it's just the general critiquing when I put out a recipe, Josh, okay? I put something out, okay? Sometimes I like to put in, it's specific to cilantro, okay? This is my what are your nuts is cilantro.
Sometimes I like to experiment. I like cilantro.
I'll even throw a cilantro sometimes in a meatball, which people are, they go crazy. They're like, cilantro and meatballs, what are you nuts? And I understand that that was a little bit crazy.
Some people have an aversion to cilantro. Some people think that it tastes like soap.
I think that it tastes delicious. So I go for my Super Bowl spread.
And I'm thinking of the people, Josh, I'm thinking, you know, a lot of these people, they don't like cilantro. They think that it tastes like soap.
They have an adverse reaction. So I don't put cilantro in my guacamole.
Oh my God, World War III. You'd think that the way that I just insulted the maker of the guacamole by not putting in cilantro.
What are you nuts? The stars of the guacamole, Josh. Avocado, a little onion, little tomato, salt, pepper, lime.
Cilantro is optional. Okay.
I like it, but most people don't. So I leave it out.
When I don't leave, when I leave it out, they want it back in. I can't win.
That's it. What are you nuts? My what are you nuts is Costco.
And I love Costco, but people love Costco too much. I was there this morning with my son.
We're gassing up. I'm cheap.
It's 10 a.m. It's not 10 a.m.
It opens at 10. It's 945.
A line around the corner. I'm like, it's not the day before Thanksgiving.
It's the day before 4th of July. It's a midday in February.
Y'all need Costco that bad? You're lining up with those gigantic carts? Yeah. What are you, nuts? Nuts.
It's just Costco, but it is awesome. Isn't it funny that the gas isn't sold in bulk? Yeah, it is.
Why is everything else sold in bulk but not gas? So true. Very interesting.
Why can't you get a full tank and then a little bit extra for the same price as a full tank? Yeah, bring like a little two liter. Yeah.
Throw it in there. Or why can't you buy 10 tanks at once and then come back for all the tanks? Have a tab, a tank tab.
A tank tab. Technically you can, but you're paying for those 10 tanks.
You can fill up a tank of gas anywhere, but I think Costco should price it in bulk. Yeah.
Otherwise, what are we doing? That's Costco. But it's still a little cheaper and I love it.
Do you have to have a membership to get gas there? You do. Wow.
Worth it. But you don't need a membership to eat.
No, and they have soft serve, and that's nice. It's delish.
I love soft serve. Me too.
It's time to call you and me. Have you ever been to the window in Silver Lake? Mm-mm.
They have this, it's called like a peanut buddy. So it's a cone with vanilla soft serve and they give you a nice amount.
Almost too much for one person to hold on a cone. Then they dip it in the chocolate and then they put peanuts on it, chopped peanuts before it like hardens.
Oh my God. The other day I had one.
It was the bell of the ball on the block. I was licking it and people were like, hello.
And I was like, hello. And I was like, why are all these men giving me attention it's like bitch because you're walking around licking a cone like truly slurping on a cone and then i had to finish it over the sink because there was so much ice cream it went right through the cone and i was like i'm not throwing this away i'm eat.
Anyway, my what are you nuts is how come how come pants are different?

How come you can order pants from the same brand, same size, and I'll just be different.

It won't fit you.

If I know my size, you should send me the exact same jeans that I bought before.

Why are we doing this to people?

Why is an extra large different in different brands?

Why is there just a central like sizing thing for the people? For me. Preach.
Our store's nuts. Nuts.
Nuts. What are you nuts? Nicole, do you want to plug anything? Where do you want the people to go? Tell us.
Oh, you can. I had an aneurysm.
You can go to NicoleBeyerWasTagin.com. That's my website because Nicole Byer dot com was taken.
Dot com's taken and I won't take it back. No, there's no point.
Just make a different website. Yeah.
But I will be in Nashville the week this comes out. Next weekend I'm in Nashville.
But I'm also going to be like in Austin, Portland, Miami. I think I'm going back to Denver.

Maybe it's D.C.

I don't know.

But all my tour dates should be there.

She's on the road again because Hollywood won't make anything here.

So true.

Come on, Gabby Newsome.

Give us some tax credits.

God, please.

Jeez.

No, it's cool.

I want to make more things in New Mexico.