Episode 246: Do Opposites Really Attract in Relationships?

Hi guys, it's Tony Robbins.

You're listening to Habits and Hustle, Gresham.

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So with that being said, let's go into the next topic here.

We are going to be talking about, well, I'm just going to go right into it.

Yeah, just go right into it.

Okay.

Do you think opposites attract?

I think they do.

And I don't know if they sustain, but I think sometimes they do as well.

I think some things have to be similar.

Like your core values cannot be so opposite, but I do think personality traits can be.

So like with the re okay, so we were talking about something on the last episode, which was being a good listener, right?

The whole listening thing.

And I think I was saying something to the point where, you know, like when, you know, you're a big talker, it's good to be with a person that's a strong silent type, you know, because then like you're not fighting for airtime and it's not like, you're not like this.

And so in that way, I think it can be really beneficial and helpful if one person is like, you know, a big personality and another one is much more the quieter person.

It can really, you can bring out the more talkative big personality can help bring the quiet person out of their shell.

And then, of course, the quiet person can help the other person, like kind of like chill and be good and like, you know, have that bant, the back and forth.

However, the question is, does it sustain itself?

Like, do you think that over time?

And I don't know what I believe.

I've seen it work both ways.

So, what's more important to have the personality be similar or having like traits that you both like to do that's different things?

Like, isn't it more than just personality?

Like, if I like to exercise and you like to watch tv all day no that's never gonna work that's never gonna work but i'm saying but that's opposite but that's a core value also because one of your core values is health well yeah i'm not talking about just yeah but so as in so so my thing is that i think core values do have to align like they can't you can't be so far off with your actual values but personality wise like for example if you were with someone who also believes in health but maybe is much more into running right and doesn't do weightlifting well no what i was going to say is what if our outward persona personality-wise, is different?

Like I'm an outgoing, loud person, the other person's a quiet, soft-spoken person, but yet we still are obsessed with like, you know, health and fitness, then it can work.

Right.

If you're, oh, yeah.

So it doesn't, so I guess, so you're basically saying that the personality isn't as important as, but the core, not just values, I think what people actually like to do.

That's, but that's how, no, I don't, I don't think so, though.

I think activity-wise, I think it's actually better if you have different activity preferences.

Because Because if you did everything together, to me personally, I can't be with someone 24-7, no matter how much I like them.

So, I would actually enjoy it if they had their own hobbies also that they like to do on their own without me, you know?

And that's it.

Hobbies is different.

So, now we're getting into a whole different topic, right?

Good activities, hobbies, whatever, things that you like to do.

But I think core values are different than things that you do.

Core values are like your belief system, like your actual, you know, what you cherish, what you hold dear to you.

And I think health and fitness, like your health, while that's your core value, something you like to do is working out.

Somebody might hold health as a core value to them, but their main focus is maybe food.

Do you know what I mean?

Or maybe what they consume.

Okay, so there's a few different buckets here, right?

You have personality opposite attracts.

You have things that, like, just in terms of like ways you want to spend your time.

Yeah.

Right.

I wouldn't call it, I don't know if it's hobbies.

It's just like ways you want to like live your life.

But that is, that's not all.

Yeah, but like, if like, for example, like or routine.

Routine, okay.

And you and there's also core values.

You can have the same core values of somebody, but yet like hate to do the same stuff.

And if you both, if you hate to do the same, if you like, if you hate to do the stuff that your partner likes to do, it becomes a problem over time.

Because you end up growing apart from it.

There should be some crossover, sure, but I think that it's okay if there's like some differences in that area.

I think that that's different than, like, for example, if I'm with a guy who's really into cars, there's no chance I'm going to car museum with him.

But I'm happy that he has that.

I would find that actually a very attractive quality.

That means he can fix my car.

Yeah, I think cars is very likely.

Yes, I know you see it as a hobby because you're not into it.

So to you, it's like a hobby activity.

Whereas other people, that's their whole lifestyle, you know?

And then some people would view working out as a hobby, whereas you view that as your whole lifestyle.

Yes.

Okay.

So it's just a different perspective.

Okay, so let's, let's go, let's do it.

Okay, so basically then, let's go with personalities.

Let's stay with personalities.

Yes.

Okay, so if you're a big personality, do you think that you should be with someone who also has a big personality or is it better to be with your opposite?

Yeah, that's a good question.

I think if I wasn't single, I'd be able to answer this question more.

I was going to say, maybe we should get like another person on here.

No, this is what I think.

I think that sometimes what seems to be attractive at the beginning can end up being a detriment later on, right?

It could get annoying.

Like,

I go back.

I waffle with this.

I actually don't know.

Like, sometimes I think, is it better to have, you know, like I said, the yin to the yang.

Like, it's all about like, they always say opposites attract, like, you're finding your yin to your yang.

Well, does that really work?

I mean, I don't know.

I'm not, by the way, I'm not saying I'm not like the holier than now.

I don't know.

I'm just, I'm posing a question.

I'm not saying I have a distinction.

I'm just putting it out there.

What do you think at home?

Do you, or in your car?

Like, are you with somebody who's an opposite to who you are?

Are you normally attracted to people who are opposite of you?

Or do you normally date people?

Or are you married to somebody who's very similar to you?

And if so, is it working out?

Or is it not working out because you guys have too much in common?

I'm just posing the questions.

I think there was one thing that my aunt said, it's actually funny because both of my aunts are married to their opposite people.

Like they're a lot more squawky and like loud, my aunts, and then their husbands are a lot more like the silent types.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But one of my aunts gave me a really good piece of advice once.

She said, you know, it's not necessarily always about love.

It's about like.

You have to be with someone that you really like.

Someone that's not going to annoy you on a day-to-day basis.

Like you actually like their personality.

You like the way that they are.

You're proud of them as a person.

You enjoy their company because love can fluctuate, right?

It's like it'll always either be there and sometimes it'll be in a gradient.

But when you like someone, you actually like enjoy them.

And so I think that if your personalities are opposite, that can definitely work as long as you actually like that person.

But it, you know, it's, I always see this to me.

It's like there's so many people in LA who are aspiring actors or comics or whatever.

And if I'm dating like a comic, for example, if I don't think that their material is good, if I don't think that they're actually a good comic, I would find it very hard to be with them because I would.

like i wouldn't be i just wouldn't be able to i'd have to be proud of them i'd have to be proud of their stuff i'd have to vibe with their humor i have to actually like them as a person and if their stand-up isn't good and their humor isn't good chances of me liking them are kind of low because that's a pretty like integral part of my existence You know what I mean?

Well, I'm going to tell you something.

I understand what you're saying.

So with all the research, you know what they say?

What?

They say that in the end, people's attraction to differences is vastly outweighed by our attraction to similarities.

Wait, you're saying that.

Listen, people persist in thinking that opposites attract, right?

But in reality.

In reality, similar partners become much more complementary over time.

Interesting.

So that's what I find very interesting.

So like, there's like when I was saying earlier, it's that like, I think it's like part of like the ether and society, like opposites attract.

Like it's like a very, it's like a platitude that people talk about.

But in reality, if you actually go through it, like, yeah, I know people who it works on both ends, but all the research points to that it's usually at the end of the day, you'd rather be with somebody who you're most similar to or more similar to than someone you're more opposite to.

And that's with everything.

That's that's across the board

because certain things that you're like kind of like not sure about end up being way bigger red flags so it says here

yeah so it says we should chat gpt this i love this chat gpt yeah what are we asking yeah asked do opposites attract what does the research say on opposites attract does just ask the question

say

let's see what it has to say.

The research on whether opposite attracts,

whether opposites attract is mixed, and there is no clear consensus on the topic.

On one hand, some studies suggest that people are often attracted to those who are similar to themselves in terms of personality traits, values, interests, and backgrounds.

This phenomenon is known as homophily or similarity attraction.

According to this view, people seek out partners who share their attitudes, beliefs, and lifestyles because it provides a sense of familiarity and validation.

On the other hand, some studies suggest that people are also attracted to those who are different from themselves.

The phenomenon is known as

complementarity or opposites attract.

According to this view people seek out partners who possess qualities that they lack or who can offer different perspectives and experiences one factor that may influence whether opposites attract is the level of involvement or commitment in the relationship studies have found that similarity is more important in the early stages of relationship when people are forming initial impressions and building rapport however as a relationship progresses and becomes more serious complementary traits and differences become more important in maintaining a long-term partnership.

Interesting.

That's very interesting.

Kind of makes sense though, like if you think about in the long term like i always think that i want someone who really has the skills that i don't have like i would love someone who do you know that guy yeah totally but that's different again like this is where it becomes so nuanced right yeah because i think core values are really the most important i think i think you're right i think the core values are but what you're saying like yeah i'm shitty in technology so yeah i'd love to have someone who's really good in technology because it helps my life like things like that are is that considered opposite though but it is interests and it is there.

Yeah, there are like certain, I, I'm talking more personality, I think, honestly.

Yeah, but again, I feel like there's the difference between like interests and personality and like your, just how you go about life versus your actual core values.

Like, I think that as long as core values to me match up, that's something that I can't really, I can't back down on.

Like, you have to take, you have to, you know, have serious priority with your health and fitness.

You have to really care about family.

Like, if I'm with someone and they're bad mouthing their parents to me or like their grandparents, they're like begrudging to go visit them to me.

I find that a really bad sign.

Yeah, that's a huge turn off.

Huge red flag.

But this is what I'm saying.

I think at the end of the day, I think that the thing that I've uncovered from doing this podcast is that it's not about those.

I think it's about the value system and personality.

Like, are you going to be annoyed with the person because they're so different than you?

You know, that's the end of the day.

Like, of course, I think it's obvious we want to have a person in our life that has a very similar value system system as us.

But that doesn't necessarily, that can come in any, you know, package.

It can come in a loud mouth or it can come in a quiet mouth.

You know what I mean?

It doesn't really matter.

But I think, I think I'm talking more about, that's like a given.

Like, okay, yeah, we all want to have people that we have the same values as.

I'm talking more about overall like personality.

Like, is it better?

It's a given to you, but how many people end up in relationships where their values are completely different and then it's not a great relationship?

No, I know, but I'm saying on the basis of what we're talking about is opposites attract.

Oh, oh, yeah.

And I'm not talking about everything else.

I'm no relationship expert, by the way.

I'm just saying on this one little, on this thing of like opposites attract.

The annoy you part is really big.

Like I can't be with someone who's gonna, who I'm gonna get annoyed with.

You know what is a huge factor?

Like taste in music to me.

If somebody has really bad taste in music, for example, that's something you guys do together a lot, right?

Like you're listening to music in your house, you're playing it while you're cooking, you're doing whatever.

So if you have really different tastes in music to someone, and not only only do you have different tastes in music, but you actually don't enjoy their music, like it annoys you, that to me, that would be an issue.

I'm thinking about that right now.

Yeah.

Again, this is on a relationship episode.

It's more of a, I guess it could be though, right?

It's more of a brainstorm.

It's more of a brainstorm.

Oh my God, that's so funny.

It's true.

It's true.

Well, like, I feel like initially I'm always attracted to people who are like these big personalities because it's like energy and exciting and all these other things.

But like, after a while, I'm like, you're so fucking annoying.

Like, leave me alone.

You know what I mean?

Like, take it down a notch.

You know what I mean?

Or can't you just chill?

And I feel like, you know, that's what I feel.

But there are some people, but it's also because I'm a big personality.

I mean, not massive, but like more on the louder side than the quiet side.

But like at the same time, I mean, I think that I think what initially attracts you to somebody doesn't necessarily have like longevity.

I guess that's my point.

Yeah, that's true.

Wait, I have a question for you because this is something that I feel like a lot of people always discuss.

What about slowly falling more in love with someone?

This idea of over time it builds.

Like slow burn.

Yeah, because I have a lot of girlfriends who they will start dating someone who they don't really like at first.

And then, you know, five years later, they're married with two kids.

Like, you know, madly in love.

What I find very interesting, I find it to be those are the best types of, like from from everything I've seen, those are the best relationships, right?

Because like the ones that are like super hot and heavy right away, they fade and they and they and they fade really quickly.

And it's they're very long, they're not long-lived, they're super short-lived.

But the ones that actually are slow to burn are the ones that have like the, they, they, they stand the test of time, they have the longevity, and it, like, actually is more meaningful and true.

Because I think at the beginning, the ones that are like, like, like, fun,

that's more lust.

And then it burns out.

Yeah.

Because, like, you're attracted to like an energy or a charisma.

But all those things, like energy and charisma, all that, like, that's more lustful.

And that doesn't have real bones.

Like, you know what I mean?

It's more like frivolous.

Absolutely.

You know?

And to like distinguish the difference between love and lust is really hard.

Even if you know theoretically, I feel like, or even intellectually, I should say, that you're feeling lust, not love.

It's really hard not to act on it.

And so then people convince themselves that the lust that they feel is actually love.

And then they move forward in these relationships.

And then they actually end up realizing it when it's a little too late, when they're like years into it or married with kids.

So like, it's really hard to sometimes like not act on lust, even though you know it's not love.

Does that make sense?

Yeah, you get caught up.

Very easy to get caught up.

And then you're like, because everyone

it's a chemical thing, right?

Like, and so, like, that's why you tend to make excuses for, you know, like, and like reasons, like, oh, you know, like, for people's bad behavior when you're like lusting for them, right?

The red flags are all green all the time.

Yeah, they're green.

Or like, it's like, well, no, it's because, like, oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Like, he didn't call me or he didn't do this because, yeah, like, he's really busy or his dog ate his homework or like he had to like leave town for two weeks or like he had to do that.

I'm just making up shit, but like, I think the whole distinction between love and lust is very, even though there is a big difference to to recognize the difference and then act accordingly is would be so helpful for people.

It's so interesting.

I always wonder who I'm going to end up with.

Like, is it going to be someone who I don't think I can end up with someone who's a crazy loud?

Because while I am a big personality, I get annoyed with that too much.

Like, I need someone who can.

Yeah, you're annoying.

You can, yeah, someone's got to match my level.

Like, you can be my level of annoying, but no more.

Like, you can't go more.

Well, I mean, mean,

look at Noah, right?

That's my husband.

I mean, this guy has more energy than anybody I've ever met.

He's not quiet at all.

Oh, quiet is like,

anyone who knows Noah listening to this episode, like, please, quiet.

This guy is like, the guy has no off switch.

I mean, the guy can go for all night, all day, not like totally sober, has so much energy, the happiest human alive.

And there's a lot of good about that too, you know?

Does it get annoying?

Sometimes.

You know?

But honestly, I think I would prefer that personality to someone who has no, like, again,

who's like, has no energy, who's lethargic, who doesn't want to do anything.

That's even worse.

Yeah, no.

When it comes to doing things, I definitely need someone who's active, like who wants to do things.

Cause I, you know, two lazy people, like on a, on a Sunday, that's

your lazy Sundays, I know.

It's funny because I work on Sundays, so it's not even like I have, usually my Saturdays are more lazy.

That's my more like my rest day.

Oh, okay.

And I just like wash fights and do nothing.

But it's a good day.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, you keep on talking about your lazy Sundays.

It's hilarious.

But that's basically, that's all, really.

Distinguish between love and lust.

Know,

really, really, what do you think at home?

Do you think, again, do opposites attract?

Yeah, I'm actually dying to know what everyone thinks about this.

Can you post, like when we post this episode in, I don't know, June or March or May,

will you just put up a poll on your Instagram story?

Of course I I will.

And ask.

Oh my God, I am

so curious what everyone has to think about this.

Because it's a really big, and then also put up one of those like question things where people can write answers.

And I'm curious what their thoughts are about this.

I'll do it.

Yeah.

Okay, great.

And join the Facebook group.

Okay, guys, have a great day, night, whatever you're listening to this.

Thanks for tuning in and have, hopefully, we'll see you again soon.

Bye.

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