Pretty Little Episode #70

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Hey, handsomes!

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Handsome. Chatting with friends on the handsome pod.

Chatting with friends on the handsome pod.

Pretty little episode.

Welcome to the handsome pod. This is a pretty little episode.
Yes, and I'm

your cool host, Mae Martin. Joined by.

I am not able to keep up with this level of cool, but my name is Tignotaro. Wow, go to YouTube.

Very cool look, May. Thank you.
Where did you get these? Well, my friend Joe is staying in this room right now. I don't know if you can see.

I pulled out the sofa into a bed there, and these must be his sunglasses I just saw. And they're stunning.
I think you'll agree. And why is he staying in that room on that couch?

He's, we're writing a new show. We're writing, he wrote Feel Good With Me, and we're writing a new show, and he's here for two weeks.

And every time he flies all the way from England, and every time I'm like, dude, I am all yours. While you're here, we are going to get stuff done.

And then he arrives, and I'm like, can we do an escape room? Or I'm like, I got to go to this to go to the sauna or something. Sure, sure.

He's really patient with me, but man, he's a good, he's a good boy. So, you guys are writing a new series together? We are.
Yeah, I'm really pumped. I think it's, he's so fun to write with.

It's just so rare to find someone who's like totally aligned and you know, we don't have any ego with each other. We're pretty blunt and it's just trying to make each other laugh.

And so, is this something where this is not a follow-up to Wayward? This is, you guys are just going to, are you coming up with a script or a pitch?

We're developing it with someone, and we're, we've been we got to write two scripts and like a whole series Bible. And then I guess at that point, they'll tell us if they're gonna make it or not.

But I hope they will because they'll make it. You're the number one star in the universe.

You're only as good as your last thing, you know. They're like, what is this trash?

Well, if you're only as good as your last thing, then you're really good.

I'm just pumped that this is a real like joke-heavy comedy. I really miss being silly like that how about

slip on a banana type stuff or like step on a rake and it comes up hit you in the face yes please give me all that I want like your pants accidentally fall down

you know who could write for you my son Max oh my god is he into that kind of

curious lapstick yes indeed yes I you know what I watched on a plane the other day for the first time freaky Friday the original Zen

what year who was that with

Lindsay Lohan, Jamie Lee Curtis? I didn't see it. And they're a mom and daughter, and they switch bodies.

And they just did a sequel, but I watched the original, and I was like, I don't know if I was like high from the altitude, but I was cry laughing by myself on the plane.

No, I think Stephanie's told me it's a really good movie. It's really

good.

They're both just... Jamie Lee Curtis is, because they swap bodies, is playing a teenager basically.
And then Lindsay Lohan's playing her mom. And they're just both great.
So funny.

There's also a 1976 version with Jodi Foster. No.

I know. I was going to say.
I wasn't seen that one. Yeah, I was going to say, I think I saw, I didn't know that was Jodi Foster in there.

Does she say like, mom, this fraud is pretty freaky? Or something like that. Is that a good Jodi Foster? Nah.
Jodi came to

come see me in the Good Light screening. No way.
Oh, yeah. She's there.

Do you know her? I mean, just, I don't know her well. I know her through,

I've known her wife forever. Okay, yeah.
Yeah.

We got to get Jodi to ask a question. Yeah.

I wonder if she would. She doesn't strike me as somebody that.

She's like, I have all the answers. I don't need to ask any questions.

Yeah.

I mean, who knows? Maybe she'd be like, yeah, I'll do your circus of a show.

She's so cool. Yeah, really nice person.
You've seen the songs of the lambs, I haven't really,

I mean, I promise I haven't. I believe you

I just always think about this one scene where she shows up at Buffalo Bill's house and she has no idea that he's the killer, and he invites her in and the girl is in the basement and she has no idea and just slowly in the kitchen standing talking, Jody Foster and Buffalo Bill.

like she realizes it's him he realizes that she knows it's him and it's like like the tensest scene and the and then it all explodes it goes crazy to make you a little nervous i guess it's making me nervous now talking about it

i remember um my first girlfriend went and saw that movie and she came over

i don't know who i was house sitting for but she came over to stay with me for the weekend and she had just seen the movie and she was freaked out

and i had no idea what what the movie was about or anything. And I just remember the whole night being like, here come the lambs.
Careful. Here come the lambs.
And she was just like, shut up.

And I was like, careful, there's a lamb behind the door. Oh, my God.

I wish it was about lambs. How are you, Tig?

Oh, thank you for asking me.

I'm doing well. I know you're in Toronto and behind you, framed, is that like art of an old bill, like

of Canadian money? Yeah,

$10.

That brings back, that's like what money was like when I was a kid, and then they turned it all into these weird plastic bills, like plasticky, but oh man.

Those are terrible. I'm sorry, Canada.
I don't like your plasticky bills. No.
I understand they're not, you can't rip them and all that kind of stuff, but like,

oh, well.

I know.

I got some change the other day, a bunch of $1 bills here, and and then someone had written

like Annabelle on one of the bills. And I thought, how come that seems like something I would love to do, write little messages on all the money?

And then, because it gets circulated out back into the world. They didn't write Annabelle?

Oh,

my Lord. And that's

why they pay you the big bucks.

Has done it again. Speaking of writing on bills,

I did a show the other night

with a magician. No.
Okay. You don't want to hear the story? I love magic.
And was this magician fucking amazing? May

May. I'm delighted.
May.

Okay, so Stephanie and I are sitting backstage at my show. Yeah.

And it's this charity event. There's a magician.
And of course, it's like, it's a real crap shoot with a magician. You never know.

He's like, okay,

I'm going to hand, he's sitting on one side of the table, we're sitting on the other. He said, I'm going to hand you,

or no, he said, pick a, you know, classic, pick a card, any card. Yeah.
I pick a card. He said, okay, here is a

marker, a permanent marker. Sign your name on the card.
I was like, all right. And he said, now, this is insane.
Oh, my God. He said, all right, put it back in

the stack. Yeah.
I was like, great. He shuffles it.
He's like, all right.

Now, that wallet that's sitting in the middle of the table. No.

I was like, yeah. And he said,

you haven't touched it. Neither of you have touched it, right? I was like, right.
Like, I didn't even notice the, I saw it, but I didn't pay any attention to it.

He's like, and I didn't touch it, right? I was like, right.

He's like, okay. You want to open it? So I open it.
It has two snaps on it.

And behind, you know where you put your license in a,

where there's a plastic cover? You put your license in there?

My card was in there signed. No.

Yes, yes.

I was like, I am so sick and tired of your bullshit. I need you to step away from me, sir.
Oh my god.

I could not believe.

And then he told Stephanie to pick a card, which she did.

He said,

what was your card? And she was like, you know,

an eight of diamonds or whatever. And he was like, Are you more partial to the diamond or the eight?

And she was like, the diamond. And he was like, okay.

And he goes, and then she said, no, the eight.

I want you both, May and Thomas, to look at me when I tell you this.

We were sitting on the other side of the table from him.

And he said,

look at your hand. Her physical hand.
Yes. I have goosebumps right now.
You can't, if you could see it. There was with that permanent marker an eight written on the inside of her hand.

What?

It was all of this all night long.

Oh my. That's why I kept yelling at him.
I am sick and tired of your bullshit. Oh my God.

May, your brain would ooze out of your ears. This man, this man.

But also the fact that Stephanie pivoted, she went diamond actually ate. Oh my fucking God.

Also, okay, because the card thing, I'm like, did he know your signature? And he'd put it there before. But how would he know what card you chose? This is too powerful and dangerous.
Exactly my point.

He needs to be arrested. Yeah, holy shit.
One of the best magicians I've ever seen in my life. You got to give me the name and I'm going to

look this guy guy up. Magic Mike.

No.

Imagine how powerful you'd feel, but also

the pressure if you get it slightly wrong in front of all those people. Oh.

Wow. Well,

I can't believe you just telling me about it felt, I felt like I was being astonished by magic.

He's mind-blowing. I think I'm going to have him do one of my Largo shows.
Yeah, you have to. Well, should we get

into our questions, see what people have to...

What would you do if it was from the magician?

I wouldn't doubt it. I would not doubt it if I walked into my closet or bedroom here in Toronto and that he's there.
Yeah.

You know what's smart? Checking all state first for a quote that could save you hundreds on car insurance. You know what's not smart?

Not checking that there are enough seats in the car before a road trip. You forgot to count your cousin Mark.

Now it looks like you're going to need a second vehicle for everyone to get to grandpa's house. Yeah, checking first is smart.
So check All State First for a quote that could save you hundreds.

You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary subject to terms, conditions, and availability.
Allstate North American Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

Well, hit us, Thomas. Who do we got? Hi, Handsome.
This is Clauda from Brazil.

And this is a question for the day when May is around

because it involves games.

So the game I want to propose is that you tell

your life story in one minute.

So you've got to time yourselves one minute

and

you tell your life story.

Wow.

Okay, I like it. Should we do it?

Sure, you go first.

Okay. You got a timer, timer, Thomas? You tell me when.
Oh my God. And maybe do a countdown five for it with your fingers when it's getting to the end, and then we'll have to cram in the end.
Yeah.

Okay. I'll put it on screen so you can see it.
And

it'll go off. Okay.
Yeah. So tell me when you're ready, May.

Okay, I'm ready.

Now? Okay.

1987, I was born. My name is May Martin.
I was born to Wendy and James in Scarborough General Hospital. I I was so premature.
And then I grew up a very needy child, but confused.

And then I went to school, dropped out of school, loved doing drugs, then kicked out of my house, then moved to England.

I had, got engaged once, then also got engaged a second time, but then also generally happy doing comedy. What never had any dogs that I owned.
What is happening? I got tattoos, allergic to coconut.

Did a podcast called Handsome. Wait, I'm done.
And I got 25 seconds left.

I go into Shiatsu Massage School, got a diploma. That was back in the day.
And then

now I am living in a house and my friends are around. And

there were moments in life that were hard. Overall, things always work out for the best.
And I believe in

Mother Nature to see me through. Wow.

What a life.

What a life. That was really depressing.

I only needed 40 seconds and then I was struggling to fill the last 20. Yeah, that's good though.
Think about all the moments in between that I've lost.

Just nothing happened in between those moments.

That was it. You've lived 40 seconds.
Oh, man.

God, our little personal stories.

Do you want to do yours, Tay?

Yeah.

Thank you.

Great. All right.
One, two, three, go.

On March 24th, 1971, Matteel O'Callaghan Notaro was born.

Did I say Jackson, Mississippi? That's where I was born.

And then my parents split up and I moved with my mother and my brother down to Paschristian, Mississippi, where we lived until my mother and stepfather met and got married and moved us to Texas, where I wet my pants until way too long and had a greasy bowl haircut.

It was still popular, though, very well liked. I was smoking the whole whole time, sitting in trees and what have you, and skateboarding around the neighborhood.

We had 12 cats and a dog, and I failed every grade I ever touched. We lived in New Jersey for a couple of years.
I dropped out of high school, moved to Colorado.

Just like I left life of my own out there.

Met my first girlfriend, came out of the closet, and I moved to Los Angeles with my childhood friends and got into stand-up, met Stephanie, and had Max and Finn.

Whoa,

See, that was good.

Also, I had cancer. Yeah, yeah, wait,

we missed some big chunks.

Read my book. It's called I'm Just a Person.
That was fun. Thank you so much, Clara.
Yeah, thanks. No answer from her.
From Brazil, right? Yeah, but I would like to hear her minute-long life story.

That would be good. Yeah.

Why didn't she give that to us? That's a good game, though. That's like when you meet people for the first time, that's a good game to play.
Yeah, that's really good. Yeah.

Yeah, what else? Who else have we got? What else and who else? Yeah. Next up.
Hey, Ansom, Steph from Vermont. I'm curious about traditions.

They could be holiday-related or anything your families have traditionally done that maybe they hope to hand down through future generations.

I'm big on traditions and then my mom's always trying to scramble them up and do something different and

which I also admire as a quality, but I really like your classic Christmas meal. And my mom's often like, this year we're having elk sausages and bok choy.
And you're like, oh, okay.

But one tradition is we play poker and drink wine. That's always really cool.
Your whole family, all four of you. Yeah, yeah.

And then there's always the tradition that my dad has of if you see the new moon through glass, then you have to go outside with a coin in your hand, bow to the moon three times, say, good evening, lady moon, and turn the coin over in your hand.

Now, that is a very,

I don't know,

pagan.

No, it reminds me of Ozzy Osborne's song, Bark at the Moon. Oh, yeah.
You said, um, bow to the moon. Yeah, yeah.
Do you know Bark at the Moon, Ozzy's song? I know that phrase, but no, I don't know.

It's just funny to think of him singing, bow to the moon.

And like with his crazy Aussie, bow to the moon. Yeah, a lot of that comes.
My grandma had a lot of strange traditions and superstitions and stuff that my dad has passed on.

What about you? We have a lot of traditions and Max and Finn love traditions. Yeah.

It helps the world make sense to kids. Yeah.
And it just creates comfort and safety feelings. And there's so many.
Finn is so sentimental.

And there's so many times that he's like, I'm going to do this with my kids. And when I'm a dad,

I'm going to,

he has such dot energy already.

I can't think of specific things that we, I mean, I know I've talked about this before, but like on Christmas Eve, we have vegan gumbo and then we have it for the days following. And

I've mentioned that Nana comes in town and we have our little tree trimming party with her where we get the tree ready and put on some tunes and have our oat nog and what have you.

It's just little, like your tig bits are almost traditions. It's like little turns of phrase that you say as a family, you know what I mean? Like

in my family, if you ever say like,

I used to say,

I'm going to go outside and my dad would say, who's Ina?

Or like, if I said, surely not, he'd say, don't call me Shirley. Oh, yes, yes,

did you ever see the airplane movie? Yes, yes, so good, yeah. I'm forgetting her name, who is so funny from the

airplane movies. And I saw her at the airport.
And I, I was in a movie with her, but before I was in a movie with her, I was like, oh my gosh, I can't believe I'm seeing her at the airport.

But of course,

oh,

Julie Haggerty.

That's her name. Before I was in that movie, I was thinking, oh my gosh, I can't believe I'm seeing her at an airport.

And then I thought, but gosh, anytime she's at an airport, people can't believe they're seeing her at an airport.

And she also feels like she could play Maria Bamford's mother. Oh, really? Okay, yeah.
I know exactly the type then. Yes, yes.
But yeah, I think we have just traditions.

You know, even just little things, like after Max and Finn's practices, you know, basketball, baseball, they like to go to

this place called Burger Lounge that has a really good vegan burger.

Yeah.

And that's just kind of a little thing that we do. Yeah, nice.
Should we hear Steph's answer? Let's do it. Given the timing, I will share a holiday one.

Around the time that I was born, we were renovating my old family farmhouse when my grandmother came upon a lump of coal.

Without telling anyone, she wrapped it along with a bunch of other like gag gifts and she distributed all of them to everyone on Christmas Eve at the family dinner.

She set out all these rules about how many swaps you could do before you open your mystery gift, but then whoever ultimately unwrapped the coal had to do the job the following year.

Tig, when I hear you talk about your mom, I often hear the spirit of my grandmother in your stories. Thank you so much for your joyful contributions to our world.

Our family is navigating some challenging stuff right now and your episodes lift me up twice a week. Something I'm really grateful for.
Oh, my gosh.

I love that. Yeah, that was so touching and meaningful.
And

yeah, I'm sorry to hear you're going through a tough spot. Yeah, glad we can brighten it up a bit and hang in there, kid.
Yeah.

The holiday seasons, tough for a lot of people, but also you find your little bits of magic. I can't get over that.
I'm going to Google that magician right away.

I'll get you his name. Please.
He's really something. And this was lovely.
And please keep submitting your questions. Go to speakpipe.com/slash handsome pod.

Also, don't forget we have a live-streaming Holly Bobs show this Monday, December 22nd. It's so rare.
The three of us can all get together and we're going to party and have the best time.

So go to the ticket link in our social media bio or dynastytypewriter.com to get your ticket. And be prepared to see see me crunk.

Yes.

Oh,

girl, I am going to be crunk.

Yes. I'm going to bring some like sweet liqueur, some Christmassy liqueur.

Love it.

And until next time, keep it. Keep it

pretty

handsome.

Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feemster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Willette.

Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsome pod.

What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast!

That was a hit gum podcast.

You know what's smart? Checking all state first for a quote that could save you hundreds on car insurance. You know what's not smart? Not checking the oven when you're baking a new pie recipe.

The apple pie was looking so good, but now it's a little more crispy than you intended it to be. Yeah, check in first is smart, so check All State First for a quote that could save you hundreds.

You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary subject to terms, conditions, and availability.
All State North American Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.