Pretty Little Episode #69

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Chatting with friends on the handsome pod.

Pretty little episode.

Welcome to the Handsome Pod. It's a pretty little episode, and I'm a pretty little host called Mae Martin.
I'm joined by a pretty little host named Fortune Feemster.

Hey, buddy. What's up, bud? Not much.
Well, my nervous system's fried because I just got out of my third driving lesson. Whoa, whoa.

Yeah. As you know, I've had lessons in the past, but this was,

I have a new guy called Robert. And

today

I drove out to the hills. I'm driving around and he has a convertible, and I'm in my shades and my convertible.

You're taking driver's lessons in a convertible. That's

insane. And then he goes, Oh, we're not going to make it back in time for you to podcast.
And I was like, oh, but we have to. And he goes, well, I guess we better go on the highway.

I've never been on a highway, and I drove on the 405

and then the 101.

I said, Robert, if we're going to do this, like, you can't distract me. Like, cause he chats.
He'll show me stuff on his phone.

You know. And I said, how'd you do on the freeways? Well, like, once you're on, it's easier than.
Yeah. But I don't know.

When I look over my shoulder before I change lanes, like the minute my eyes leave the road, the car starts to drift. Right, right.

Yeah. You ever have that?

Oh, yeah. I mean, well, the newer cars, I don't know about his convertible, but a lot of cars now have the like lights in the mirrors that they light up when if there's a car to your right.

So that's helpful. I want all of that.
I'm going to need all that. Yeah.
I mean, it is.

But, you know, the freeways here are stressful. Probably the good thing is that traffic, was traffic moving or no?

Yeah, yeah, yeah okay i was driving 65 miles an hour well there's so much traffic here that rarely are you able to go past like say you know 70.

yeah um so that makes it a little less uh stressful but it la would be a stressful place to learn to drive for sure It was crazy. And then he goes, well, I just got a text.

One of my students just passed his test and he only made one mistake. And then he shows me the picture and it's a child with braces, like grinning, like full braces.
Like, I did it.

I should have done this so long ago. When are you going to take

the steps to do the actual driving tests of December 8th?

Okay. Oh, you got a date.
Oh, so it's already happened. Yeah, but I feel like I shouldn't.
Yeah, right. It should have already happened.
We're filming this a few days before that. Yeah.

So

people know. Got it.
So we'll see. May's going to leave us on the edge of our seats.
Yeah. Yeah.

Because you're just ready to, I mean, it is time for you to have a little more autonomy having your own car and 100% having to depend on Ubers. Oh, it's ridiculous, yeah.

But I think I've got to get a car so I can regularly practice and just go into the store and stuff. Like, if I get the license and don't have a car, I'm still going to stay rusty forever, right?

Right, yeah, at least that way, you could just be driving around your neighborhood and stuff. You could, you know, still uber to some of the bigger things if you weren't feeling it.

Would you feel safe with me and driving? I want you to practice for a little bit longer. Okay.

My friend is

cautious. My friend had.

I'm at the age where I have friends with teenagers and some of them are learning to drive and that is funny to hear about. Yeah.

I'm going to be good. I just won't ever be able to have like music playing in the car or anyone speaking.

You'll get more comfortable in time, but it just, it does take time, you know? So give yourself some grace, my friend. Thank you, my friend.
Well, I'm glad you were back in time.

I see your Dodgers hat. Go Dodgers.
Sorry, I know they.

I know they beat your team

Blue Jays, but that was an amazing World Series in general. It really was.
Well, I've got to get, I'm excited for the World Cup of soccer. I want to be

super excited for that, too.

You got a game?

I don't, I don't, but like,

I was looking at tickets. They are crazy expensive.
Really? Oh, my God. Yeah.

We got to find a way. Maybe we can, like, can they, can the World Cup be a sponsor on Handsome or something? So we can be like, we don't need you guys.
Yeah, right. Yeah.
Yeah.

I want to see some of those games. I'll be rooting for England.
You were talking about.

people from all over the world wanting tickets. So that's what

makes them so valuable and expensive is that it's not just like your favorite team here. It's like everyone all over the world wants to go to these things.
Yeah.

Glad I'm going to have my license for then. That's right.
Because driving in LA will be great.

It sure will.

Should we hear some questions from our angelic listeners? Let's do it. Hello, Tigmae and Fortune.
My name is Naomi, and I'm coming to you from South Korea. And I love you guys so much.

I love listening to your podcast every week. I actually had tickets to see TIG right before COVID hit and it got canceled.

And I haven't been back in the States since then, but I'm looking forward to seeing you all in the future. But I wanted to ask you, if we lived in a world where instead of cars, we all rode on mounts.

And whichever mount you have, no one else could have that mount. What would you choose? And it can be full size.
So if you choose a fish or a turtle it can be big enough for you to ride on it

which one would you choose to clarify this is which animal would you mount yeah I missed that too I was I just heard to mount

yeah okay so we're mounting an animal we're mounting something yeah

if we didn't have cars and such Okay, well, I mean, I feel like the obvious answer is a large cat, like a cheetah.

Well, I guess there wasn't, it wasn't specifically, Naomi didn't specifically say animals, but gave him animals as an example. Right.
So it could be people.

It says, what would you have as a mount if there were no cars? I've never really heard the term, and I'm like, kind of delighted. Yeah, I want to.
I haven't heard that either.

I want fast but safe, basically. So I want, oh, and maybe a little sexy.
Like

I'm still, I'm going to go leopard,

you know, like Bagira in Jungle Book. And imagine the rippling muscles underneath your bear gambs.
Well, it does make me think of the Zootopia 2 movie that we're all in.

Um, having it all, I just watched it, so I'm thinking about all those animals from that world. Yeah, um, and one of the

boats, the fairies, was a walrus, and so they get on

the walrus's belly has like

seats on it. And they got on the belly of the walrus and it swam them across the lake.
Yeah, that's good.

I mean, you'd struggle on land. Well, yeah, I don't think I'm going to go with a walrus, but it just made me think how funny having just seen

animals

being used in that way.

Walruses are pretty majestic and silly creatures. Wait, yours was a what again?

A leopard. A leopard.
That's good because they're fast. Yeah, and sexy and

they're not going to make any mistakes. And they might be a little too autonomous, like a little too rebellious.
Right, right. I did ride on a camel once.
Oh, you did? Yeah. Girl.

When I was in Dubai. What was that like?

It's kind of

crazy. It's not the most comfortable.

mean, and um,

you like get on it, they're so tall, yeah, and you get on it, like you really have to like stretch your legs, get on it, and then they say, like, hold on when it gets up, like, really hold on, and when it ain't lying,

really,

because it, it goes forward and then back

when it stands up.

So you, it's almost like a riding, like you see the bulls at the bars that people ride. It looks like that.
So you get on it and it whooshes you forward.

So I almost like chipped a tooth banging into Jax's head. Oh my God.
When it went forward and then it flings you back. And are you like between two humps? Yeah.
Yeah. Okay.
Okay.

And then you're up and it's so tall.

And then it's like, you know, a steady walk, but it's not sad.

They're giant. They're big.
So

it's not comfortable.

But they ride them, you know, like people here ride horses. So.
Yeah. Yeah.
But if I'm going down the highway on my leopard and then you're clomping along on your camel, you know I'm zooming.

I'm zooming. You're going past me for sure.
I don't. The leopard would have to be really strong for me to get on that one.
They're so strong. Nobody would fuck with you if you were on a rhino.

That would be too big, though. In a way, the rhino is kind of like...
What's that really ugly Tesla that's like armored? That's kind of what

the rhino is the

armored Tesla of the animal kingdom. I would probably do like a

cheetah or something. Yeah.
Yeah. So in the same world as you, Cougar, I want to, I want to be fast.
Yeah. I just hope they don't want to eat me.
No, they know their role in this world.

I want to hear Naomi's answer. Yeah, let's see what Naomi said.
I would choose a moose because they're very strong and fast and they're also very comfortable, I imagine, and beautiful.

And for day-to-day transport, they would be great. And also, if I ever got into some sort of battle, I think a moose would be really strong and fast.
Thank you all so much.

I look forward to hearing your answer. This feels like apocalyptic, like the grid is down.
The grid's down and

you're trying to lasso him. Yeah, you've got to lasso him.

Yeah, to be able to ride him. Well, let's hope that's not the case.

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It was a bit of a leap to say that moose are comfortable. I don't know about that, but who knows? Actually, wasn't there a guy? There was, oh, this is going to be a really garbled fact.

But there was.

Yeah, there was a guy who had a pet moose that was an alcoholic. The moose was.

And

yeah, I can't remember the details, but is it ringing a bell, Thomas?

Guy with a drunk moose?

Moose alcohol.

I mean,

to be fair, the moose was supplied this alcohol. So

the guy was an enabler for sure. Here we go.
I found it. Okay, the phrase drunk pet moose, that's what I googled, refers to

the historical anecdote of Tycho

Brahe,

a 16th century Danish astronomer who kept a pet moose that became so inebriated on beer at a banquet that it fell down a flight of stairs and died. Oh, this is sad.
I'm so sorry.

No, that's really dark. Oh, no.
Oh, man.

Poor moose.

Yeah, that sucks. Suddenly, the moose is an alcoholic.
It just got into a batch of something. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It was just, its trough was filled oh no

all right well we're gonna treat our thank you for that tidbit

sorry

it was a different time a different time

you had your moose at your banquet that's right i bet even at that time he was eccentric though even i bet even in the 1600s they were like this is funny

yeah They're like, don't invite Tycho to the banquet. He's going to bring that moose.
Loose cannon. Yeah.

Should we hear another one?

Hey, Hey, handsome. My name is Mallory.
I'm from Knoxville, Tennessee. And here is my question.

May, I'm not sure if you remember this or not, but you told Justin Trudeau that his legacy would be great. And now he is dating Katy Perry.

Is that the great legacy that you envisioned for him? That's hilarious. And if not, what did y'all think his legacy would be?

Oh, man. Of course, I remember.
It was a really impactful moment.

If you don't know, I met Trudeau when he was prime minister and I had all my friends were like, you got to challenge him on his environmental policies and all this stuff.

And then something, I was bewitched by his charisma and I heard myself say, your legacy will be great. And he just looked confused and was like, thanks.

I think what I meant was he legalized marijuana in Canada.

And he

just at the time that he was elected, he seemed like a really

breath of fresh air. It was hopeful.
It was like Obama. There was like a, yeah, it was like a surge of optimism.
And then, like Obama, like,

there's only so much you can do in power

to live up to all your promises. And he, you know,

he made, by the end of his term, basically or his reign, would you say? People were like really disappointed in him. But

I don't know. know.
But now he's dating Katy Perry, so how do we feel about that? We feel,

I mean, it makes sense somehow. Yeah, they're both good looking.

They're both good looking. Two like Zoolander.
Two very good looking. I can't do the accent.

Ridiculously.

Ridiculously good-looking people.

I was about to. I've never called anyone a himbo.

That's. How is he a himbo? I don't know, but he's sort of, he's like so, so, like a Kendall.
He's so classically good-looking Trudeau that I don't know.

I, truth be told, until the Katy Perry stuff did not know he was divorced. Wasn't he married?

Yes, he was. He was Sophie Trudeau, who

is the star of my favorite YouTube video of all time, which is her on Martin Luther King Day getting up to make a speech after these deeply moving speeches have been made, and there was a gospel choir, and then she gets up, and no one's asked her to do this.

And she goes, Okay, I'm going to step up. This is not planned, trust me.
I'm going to sing an original song that I have,

and she sings an original tune. You just got to watch the video, and it is, I know it off my heart.
Is she French-Canadian?

Yeah,

she sounds like Celine Dion, but not in the singing realm, probably. Totally.
Yeah. Wow.
I did not know about that. I will have to look it up.
Yeah.

When When did they get divorced? Was that a recent thing? Yeah, I think a couple of years ago, pretty recent. Oh, okay.
Yeah. Yeah.
I think they're going to

have a blast together, those two. They're going to have a blast.
They were on a boat recently, and she was in a bikini, and he was shirtless and jeans.

I mean, everyone's living their best life over there on that boat. Whenever I see pictures of a celebrity couple standing on the stern of a yacht

making out and getting photographed, I'm like, they must have known

because would do you go and stand on the roof of your boat and make it like remember jlo and ben affleck their famous yacht

well now i've heard various versions of this oh okay not with this particular couple but there are some celebrities who 1000 call the paparazzi yeah and those pictures are

there because they wanted those pictures to be there. Yeah.
Now, who how to decipher who does that and who does not, I'm not sure. Yeah.

But I do know there are other celebrities that genuinely are just like doing their thing. And these camera lenses are crazy.
I remember filming in Toronto actually with Arnold. Yeah.

We were on a boat in a harbor

just filming. And I looked up and saw like pretty far distance

a guy taking pictures of Arnold in particular.

And then those pictures were in the Daily Mail, like two days later. Imagine if you saw a walrus with a camera attached to its head.

Oh, and I know that Arnold doesn't care about that, so he's not calling. Of course,

if you were going to call the paparazzi because you wanted a photo to get out to project a certain image of yourself,

what situation would you like to be fake, snapped, and like where you go, oh, damn, pot, the pops are here. I mean, all I can think about is how many horrendous photos there are of me online.

My favorite thing to do back in the day was Google, like, just my name and me walking, and I have the craziest faces.

Really? Yeah, like I walked out of a thing, I didn't know that there was like a camera person there, and I'm like, my face is like distorted, my belly's like hanging out.

I have some of the worst photos.

And obviously, that's not a a common occurrence. It's just once in a blue moon, there's a camera.
I wouldn't mind staging a whole kind of hero situation for myself where I get actors to do a fake,

they start brawling on the street, and I go up, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, guys, come on. Oh, that's a good one.
Because didn't Ryan Gosling have that?

He broke up a fight, and there was a photo of it, and it was real. Oh, really?

I would like that.

Yeah, I would just, I mean,

I would do just the bare minimum of like, I've actually like brushed my hair. Oh, right.
Okay. I have a little makeup on you just want to circulate like

just that I can take a decent photo

My guts like you know they've they

a nice jackets hiding the the the rolls a little bit like I'll take a nice jacket. All right.
Yeah. Well, we can arrange that.

Oh, please. Did Mallory send an answer to that question? The answer to that question for me is, yeah.

That's pretty much what I thought. All right.
Thanks.

That you did intend for that to be his legacy, dating Katy Perry. Or that Mallory is saying that's what she expected Trudeau's legacy to be, dating a son of a woman.
Oh, I see, I see.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I think that's kind of fair. Yeah, I mean, I could see him kind of like

living out the rest of his life, like doing speeches and stuff and going to like galas and dinners and just dating good-looking women. Yeah, for sure.
He'll probably have a podcast. Oh, yeah.
Could.

He might send us a question and then

we'll be sorry.

Forever. Ridiculing him.

Well, what? A lovely couple of questions. I always enjoy these because

I never know what we're going to be asking. And neither of these things are things I have thought about.

You never think about what your mount would be? I know. Well, now that

now that this apocalyptic question has been presented, maybe I'll think about it more because there could be other animals that we're just not even considering.

Oh, I mean, we didn't even touch on polar bear.

I'd love to see a little mouse mount biggie and

for Biggie to be the

the vehicle for a mouse. That would be really cute.
Yeah.

Well, it's december 12th what do you got going on um i'm about to do some holiday shows in florida in orlando and st. petersburg um and then i'm gonna go uh spend some time with my mom for the um

holidays and then i'll end the year in norfolk virginia seattle washington on new year's eve and then uh vancouver so any canadians out there who want something to do at the end of the year come on out yeah big time i think i'm i'm i have a largo show coming up but if you check out my my instagram or maymartin.net for for stuff uh and then i'll probably be trying to chill over the over the holidays but keep sending your questions please an advice request or whatever you want to say to us to speakpipe.com slash handsome pod

and i guess in the meantime keep it keep it pretty handsome

Handsome is hosted by me, Fortune Feemster, Tig Notaro, and Mae Martin. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Woulette.

Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and follow us on social media at handsomepod.

What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast!

That was a head gum podcast.

You know what's smart? Checking all state first for a quote that could save you hundreds on car insurance. You know what's not smart?

Not checking that your plants are watered before heading out of town for the holidays. Nothing's more sad than arriving back home to wilting houseplants.
Yeah, checking first is smart.

So check All State First for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate.
Potential savings vary subject to terms, conditions, and availability.

Allstate North American Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.