Hunger, Boredom and Impotent Rage

Here Comes the Guillotine contains offensive language, mature content, and adult themes.

It is not suitable for a younger audience.

Yeah, but anybody.

Until Until popping candy comes up and all of a sudden

side candy popper

He's a bit of a gorgy chomps but

that's a game that I used to play when I was a weak guy was chomp

in primary school where you would get like uh this probably speaks to the decadence of the early 2000s late 90s and the kind of economic prosperity that I was thrust into and now don't have in my life.

But we would get 10p chomps,

those little caramel chocolate bars, and we would just chew them up and grog them out like a big

we get all the taste of the chocolate, and then we would just grog

three chomps at once onto the floor and look at it.

You gamified bulimia,

you know it, man.

That's what I was planning to do.

You're just joining us in a kind of pre-state.

We're having pre-Ironbrows and pre-Canoli's.

So we've got you and Mike.

Andy's still sorting a few things out.

Oh, he's off.

He's off, thanks, Bruce, Randy.

And we were sort of idly discussing how

it sounds like a euphemism for homosexual if you pair any area of Edinburgh with any confectionery job.

And it was like Newtown chocolatier.

He's a bit of a Newtown chocolateyer, that guy.

You can make your own at home.

Is he married?

Well, he's a bit of a

monotony popping candy

boy.

A poppin' candy boy.

That would be like a twink, wouldn't you?

Yeah, that would be a form of rent boy.

Anyway, speaking of eccentric homosexuals, we could maybe use this as a way to

introduce the new episode that you're listening to right now, which is a Dungeons and Dragons adventure.

If you want to add and boxed in this, that you're listening to right now?

Yeah, this could be it.

This is the intro to the DD thing.

Maybe.

I think we should.

Well, we should explain to people.

There's going to be a set of DD episodes coming up.

We just recorded with Robert Florence, Louise Stewart, my son Thor, yourself, and myself.

Yeah.

we went to an atmospheric tavern.

The oldest pub in Glasgow.

The oldest pub in Glasgow.

Where we received

an adventure, a quest,

and we went off and did it, and it was great.

We also received multiple ramekins of macaroni and cheese.

And if you've come to enjoy the

dynamics of this podcast, as in one week, it's quite upbeat and caffeinated.

Then it's the French method, the podcast, and where we have a big lunch, we record another episode, and it kind of ping-pongs back and forth between being upbeat and being incredibly

carbohydratively downbeat.

You're going to love this because we've done it twice in a row.

If you enjoy what you're looking from, a podcast is a blood sugar roller coaster.

You're going to love the DD episodes because we

ate heavily at that tavern.

Sloans.

They said we could only use the basement if we plugged them a wee bit, so it's hatch off to Sloan's.

Hatch off to Sloan's.

Another plug, hatch off to TESOL Mountain Bikes in Glasgow, who gave me a discount for my bike, which had already been discounted because it's a horrible,

pulsating orange.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

So I guess nobody had bought it.

Went round the park on it last night when I got home, flew around it

as if on a magical steed.

And I loved it.

you had a good time i had a great time did anybody say it into you the whole journey no i was going to quite clip

okay so maybe the doppler effect yeah uh ruined the comments or something

that's great yeah i think if i ever slow down i'm in for some abuse i'm gonna keep it means you can live in a worse area if you're going faster doesn't it way ahead of you yeah

the flash must live in some absolute shite holes.

Yeah, he's like, I don't give a fuck.

Yeah.

Can live in the suburbs of Metropolis.

I'm still going to be at the.

Well, he doesn't live in the Metropolis, does he?

He lives in.

Do you know what?

I've seen cutting about fucking Belton, the Flash.

He lives in a new build, he's wet.

Who's your least favourite speed freak?

Speed freak?

You mean like Fact?

Speedster.

You know, you've got Flash.

Speedsters.

Okay, okay.

You've got Quicksilver.

You've got...

It's really just them, too.

But then there's multiple Flashes, and there's multiple Quicksilvers, isn't there?

There's hunters of them along different timelines and blah blah blah.

And

there's like the Golden Age ones, the old JSA, Justice Society of America, Flash, that's where he comes from.

Quite liked him.

And then there was like, it's always like you'd have a new brash guy.

Everybody was brash for quite a long time from about 1970 odd to...

He has to have a flaw, doesn't he?

Because he's kind of got god powers, so you kind of need to go, well, he's a bit of a prick, and that's where I think it's going wrong.

He's like Frasier, you know, a god tier broadcaster, but it's his

flaws as a person that ruin his life.

I've never really, as we've talked about, you've never seen Fraser, I've never

really brought Frasier.

I like, like, I've watched little bits of it, and I go, okay, I could see how I could see how you could enjoy that if you didn't really

have many standards.

It's wild.

About the Emmys that I won for right now.

Well, exactly.

Exactly.

People like okay stuff.

It's okay and it's inoffensive and it's fine.

You know, and it's not.

I think it's because we're absolutely masterclass physical comedy.

It's an old style farce.

There's an episode where they run a restaurant and they have to do a lot of there's like indoors and outdoors and people are going through the wrong door.

I mean, it's wonderful.

Really void villain

power.

Dez Clark is outside the window, and he might be with someone else, or it might just be

Dez, both Des.

That's it.

You know, if you are a shapeshifter,

you could just shift into being a two-body entity, as he clearly has done out there.

It looks like my friend Jennifer's dad that he's speaking to, but I don't think it is.

And it makes me go, has he always been Des?

That's interesting.

Or is it like a projection of my fears or something?

I've known it for a really long time.

So if he changed from Jennifer's da to current like base form days,

it would have been in about 1998 or something like that.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

Quite

seems quite implausible that he's been at it that long, but then maybe he's been at it for centuries.

Is it?

I was speculating there in my own mind that it would be a kind of turn of the century thing.

It would be a kind of like at the flash of the new millennium.

Maybe you met him and he was just a man.

Then at the turn of the millennium, maybe Y2K was involved.

Maybe a meteor went past the planet

and it changed him.

Who knows?

I mean, I think

if you could shape-shift...

And I'm stealing this really from Grant Morrison did a Fantastic Four where Reed Richards, because he can

he's

Mr.

Elastic, right?

So because he can change his body shape, he can change the shape of his brain and the size of his brain, and that's why he's so dangerous.

And it's the same way, Des.

Des will probably be here with a normal-sized head, but then when he has to go away, do you know what I mean?

But also when he's just

booking on the corpus or whatever,

his head swells up to the size of a fucking hot air balloon.

Like they do.

Yeah.

Yeah, and then it comes back down.

Is that the not to get 20 comic books, but is that like the

it's like uh

it's like another alternate universe version of Mr.

Fantastic, who's like a kang the conqueror type?

Oh, yeah, there's a bunch of evil um fantastic force.

Fantastic for is a great one, they're evil.

The best one's planetary, the warren Ellis one.

What's that?

It's just like they're called the four.

It's just a flat out evil Fantastic Four.

They're not Fantastic.

In this, yeah, it's not Fantastic, you know, just for cunts.

And there's a bit where, like, um, the human torch, you're like, sort of like a tramp turns up and he's like, um, he's he's sort of intercepted, like, baby Superman, kind of thing.

And he's going, he's going, yeah, it seems to have some powers and stuff.

And he's like, still burns though.

He just fucking hoses it down with fire.

There's lots of really, really horrible stuff in it.

It'd be good to be a tramp with the powers of fire.

All tramps have the power of fire.

That's true.

It's part of the problem.

Part of the issue with a lot of

the horrible accidents in Glasgow.

Would you become a pyromaniac if you were homeless?

I'm a pyromaniac, yeah.

Yeah, I do get a sheer thrill at fire.

And

I think I've said this to the podcast before, but I used to set fire to pencils in my bedroom.

A HP pencil with you know the little yellow bit at the end of it, if it doesn't have an eraser or a rubber on it, you can that really catches fire quite quick.

And

set them into a flaming torch for your stretch Armstrong.

Yeah.

And this was when I was like a teenager.

And then my mum came upstairs and she was like, what have you been doing in here?

And I was like, I was smoking.

And she went, where's the doubts?

And I was like, I ate them.

And she went, right.

And she's left.

I think out a few had been eating cigarettes.

It's rare a story gets weirder with every sentence.

But

you managed it.

You managed it.

Yeah.

I think she was bedeviled by that

ruse.

But it's better just to not question it, I think, when someone says that they've been eating cigarettes.

I used to um kinda hit a wall with like my subjects.

I'm really I kind of dyscalcula and um

physics and maths and stuff and when I'd be in my room having our house was like ferociously cold'cause we didn't have sense of wheat and

um

and uh

we had a calor gas fire and I'd melt like sweeties in front of it in a fit of I guess looking back autistic

boredom.

Impotent rage.

I don't think there was much rage.

There's some hunger.

Hunger.

Boredom.

It's just boring into it, you know.

You don't have acc if you don't have access to drugs, you need to burn things, I think, is the issue.

Do you reckon, like, you could get paramaniacs just working in furnaces and

just got that'll satisfy your urges?

Maybe.

I don't think I would have thrived as a furnace worker as a 16-year-old.

Saboteur?

A saboteur.

Yeah, I think you're kind of a saboteur of your own life when you're melting chocolates.

Imagine people in Iran now just start finding like HB pencils at the sites of massive files.

Is that one of these

wee guys?

One of these wee guys' saboteurs.

What do I talk talk about?

My mind is a complete blank, a tabularasa, as you say in philosophy.

Yeah, blank slate.

Are we born with

you know, is it a nature or nature type thing?

Is the tabularasa debate into it?

A priori, other a priori.

They've kind of disproved it.

I don't think it's a bit

a proven it kind of deal.

They're kind of disproven it.

Do you know who proved existentialism?

It's not a proven thing.

These are not proof guys.

These are like.

But the idea that you're born a blank slate because of

because generational trauma exists.

Do you know what I mean?

So you're not born blank if you're Irish because

your parents and your grandparents and your great-grandparents would have lived through the famine and colonialism and all this type of stuff, and that has an effect on your body, doesn't it?

Well, yeah, but that doesn't mean that you also are born with the concept of justice, right?

So you know if you were there'd be a lot more kind of Irish Batman.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

Fighting the British.

They were called the IRA.

Very Batman-like behavior actually now you think about it.

They had their own form of the cowl

and the Balaklava.

They had secret identities and they had their own Justice League of sorts.

Butlers?

Yeah, they're butlers.

This is Padrick.

He's the IRA butler in the area.

I'm buttering Pennyworth.

You know, even

Jerry Adams is like if Bruce Wayne was a politician, but everybody knew he was Batman.

And he was like, at no point about ever being Batman.

You're like, hey, come on.

You know.

If Jerry Adams adopts an orphaned trampolinist,

it's going to set off a few red flags or something.

Yeah, yeah.

If there's a big uh

if a travelling circus comes to Belfast and there's two tragic deaths and you see Jerry sniffing about the dressing room for

a charge.

I'm just looking for a young ward

and I can train in athletics.

Jerry Adams has a podcast, we should do a mashup.

We should invite him on.

We were looking at him as a guest for the Glasgow live show, but I'm telling him we settled on his shape shifter.

It didn't happen.

He was expensive.

He's expensive.

Do you know who said he would do the podcast?

And just as I was leaving with Blind Boy.

Oh, that's right.

I went to see

be Blind Boy's guest on his podcast at the pavilion.

It'd be great to have Blind Boy on this, but as I was cycling around the park yesterday, you know what occurred to me?

Blindboy would be great on a D ⁇ D quest.

Yeah, yeah.

I would like to see if he's interested.

Who knows?

Yeah.

Do you know what always occurs to me about Batman?

Well, two things.

One is

Arkham Asylum

really

has a lot of confidence in the psychiatric method.

Because some of those people seem unreformable.

And I don't know that an asylum is necessarily where you treat a guy who has a crocodile's head.

So Killer Croc,

he's largely a crocodile.

Yeah.

He lives in the sewers and eats people.

He lives in the sewers.

He eats folk.

He's done a lot of crocodile stuff.

I don't know that there's a talking therapy that's going to...

My father?

Well, it sort of is your father because he was a crocodile or something.

Is that how he was born?

I don't think a crocodile shagged that woman and go for them.

hoof and they went, oh, well, weird

happened there.

It's probably the Joker's Christmas spectacular.

The Joker's special.

It's a crocodile shagging a woman.

But more than that, one of them's a fucking guy made of clay.

Clay face.

Is that therapy for him, maybe?

He could shape himself into something.

Solomon Grundy.

Solomon Grundy is going to be very poor in grip work, I think.

He's like a kind of nursery rhyme-based Frankenstein type guy.

Yeah, I don't know.

You're not going to get to the bottom of things by talking through, you know, cognitive behavioral therapy with Solomon Grundy.

But also, the people of Gotham, relentlessly charitable.

They will go out to that fucking charity ball for the Wayne Foundation in Gotham Public Library, even though though the previous year

everyone was gassed by a psychotic climb everyone had a rectus grin at the end of the night because a joker your son was turned into clay

but also like i think they want that so that's kind of a metaphor for culture isn't it like we turn up to this stuff going oh oh yes i just hope it's like the theatre right you go to the theatre and you're like um oh yeah i want to go and see macbeth but what you really want is somebody to forget their lines or somebody fall off the stage or something.

That would make everybody's fucking night.

Do you know what I mean?

I was talking to him.

It's like going to see a NASCAR.

You want to see a death.

Oh, yeah, of course.

That's even more that.

Formula One is the only sport that's boring, even though sometimes people burst into flames.

You want to see a millionaire

implode.

If tennis players just fucking come busted, I would watch that stuff like it was like...

They sound like they're about to explode sometimes, tennis players, they're like, ah, you're like, fucking hell, man.

You're just hitting a ball, you don't have to scream.

Well, maybe that's

how pyromaniacs could channel their things.

Let's set fire to a few sporting events.

I'm happy to go to

Wimbledon with a few HB pencils and sort it out.

What would you say?

You said you were speaking to someone there, and I interrupted you.

I was talking to Tim Key.

And Tim Key was talking about he was doing a play, and it's a really hard to remember speech, a famously hard to remember speech.

And he said, you know, it's absolute murder.

And

he struggled with it one night.

And he said, like, and of course, you still get people come up and say to you, Oh, I was the other night, because that's kind of what they want.

Do you know what I mean?

On some level, underneath it all, you're kind of like, oh, I hope something

hope something happens.

Hope it's not just a Hamlet, you know?

I don't really know.

My girlfriend lives in London and she was like,

hey, you're coming down this weekend.

What do you think about going to see Evita?

Which is that musical about an Argentinian politician's wife.

I know what Evita is, by the way.

Right.

Evita is like one of the most famous musicals of all time.

Shrek.

I met her.

Isaac.

Okay.

There's a land dispute with a local lord.

So I've never heard of Elvita in my life.

I thought it was about the Elvira.

I thought it was about that Gothic

vampire woman with the big boots.

Who ruled Argentina?

Don't cry for me, Argentina.

That was my impression of a vampire performing, the big song.

But in the new Evita, which I'd never heard of, and then someone said,

it's the musical where they sing Don't Cry for Me, Argentina, which I have full awareness of, that song, but not the musical or who this politician is.

Evita Perron.

What was notable about her?

She was the sort of first lady of Argentina.

And a point where it was exciting?

At all points in Argentina and modern history have been really exciting.

Yeah,

she was the wife of a terrible president, but...

Like a despot.

They've all had something to them.

I think after him it's like a junta, so he's kind of remembered fondly, but it was all pretty bad.

Always good to be followed up by the junta.

Yeah.

Well, not for you, but in terms of your reputation, it's good to be followed by a junta.

Yeah.

But in the new Evita, and I'm glad we're getting down to the true purpose of the point,

which is musical news.

But in the West End, just now.

Evita, she goes out into a balcony on the street to sing Don't Cry for Me, Me, Argentina, to all the people walking past the theater.

And if you pay for a ticket to go and see it, you watch this live on a screen.

Which is absolute genius.

It's just made the most famous fucking musical of the last 50 years.

You know, and the woman is that fucking great woman who is like

in Snow White, right?

Who was like pro-Palestine and all that?

Right?

Everybody's paid 350 quid to go and see it.

They're a bunch of cunts.

And they don't even get to see the big number.

And it gets delivered to the public.

There's the true spirit of fucking Argentina.

Right there.

Brilliant.

What a great idea.

But I don't want to go see it.

You might see it.

So you can just stand out in the street.

If my girlfriend said that, you want to go stand in Soho for a wee bit?

Yeah, I was going to do that anyway, probably.

Not that I'm a popping candy boy or anything, but I will go.

I will stand in the street.

Maybe I'm going to try and time it right.

What else did she ask if I wanted to go see?

It was Evita.

I was thinking, you know,

have the audience allowed to go out if they want.

Have them pilot.

If it's a big finale, why not?

I had seen that to the friend I went to see that guy, Will Seaward.

You heard him?

No.

He's like a big Brian Blessed type storytelling guy.

And he had this bit where he ended the show by

a werewolf comes in and gets him in the story, and he has to usher everybody out as quick as they can because he's trying to protect everybody from a werewolf.

And it was really exciting.

Right.

What was that really mad guy?

It wasn't

Kim Noble.

Oh, but he used to leave one year on a horse.

Just to do a horse in a cow kit.

He'd just

ride off after the show.

I mean,

he must have lost a lot.

Horses are expensive.

Fair enough if it's a penny fucker.

Fair enough getting an extra flyer without hopping on a fucking store.

I mean, it costs.

Like, you get a steel cost.

I had to explain it to somebody.

If you want a stool on stage at certain venues, they go, it's going to be a steel fee.

We need a source of steel and then look after the stool.

So it's going to be like 25, 30 quid per show picked with stool.

And you're like, what?

It's just a steel.

Well, you can bring your own stool and look after your own steel, but we've got a limited space backstage, so the steel's going to incur a pretty hefty fee.

It's not really built for the performer, the friendship.

Tim Noble doesn't seem to me the sort of guy who's poring over the eternal

show.

No, I don't like to.

You've done a few of the hangs, the blind boy hang.

You were a guest on that.

I've done a few things.

And then you interviewed

Tim Keat or Moore.

Have you got a kick out of this?

I'm not doing any for a while now.

I just think sometimes you're like, when they're a funny person anyway, they might as well have a kind of slightly straighter person.

Do you know what I mean?

Maybe not totally straight, but like Tim Key one, he's very jolly, very light kind of spirit.

I told him he was a very light spirit and he seemed baffled.

But

in Scottish terms, he would be like...

In Scottish terms, he's fucking Willie Wong.

Yeah.

I guess if you're English, you're like...

Why is he drinking alcohol if he's happy?

I don't really understand that.

If you're a posh bastard.

But you saw, I thought you could almost do some journal interview and it would just, you know, be just as good.

So I think I maybe might just do ones if people are slightly more serious.

Love of GJ.

Well, next one I'm doing is Yannis Varifax.

What is he?

An economist?

How would you call it?

An economicist.

An economist?

He's one of the world's foremost foremost economicists.

This is why I don't get the yeah.

This moment,

because I don't know how to say it.

But economists, I think it's quite good if you know like less, not quite, not as little as that.

Yeah.

You may know the word.

But it's quite good if you kind of interview those people from a position of mild ignorance because then they have to explain to you and then in the course of that and explain it to the audience.

And I think that works quite well.

Yeah, it's good if an interviewer genuinely is baffled by you, and then they can go, What is happening here?

Explain it.

I'll see what else I've done.

I've hired a PT, not had my first session yet.

Oh, really?

Is this uh

you know who it is?

Yeah, it's Power Man.

Powerful!

So, this guy popped up on the socials, and he's he did pop up, I sent you him repeatedly.

He's very mantra-focused,

he's driven um

he's an exciting shouts be powerful a lot anyway i got a message from this morning oh and he goes um what time is it shoot i'm like friday maybe a bit such and such and he replied with a four second voice notes i see it

be outstanding

So I have really high hopes though.

Do you know what I think a lot of time with PT that is what people do need.

People don't really need somebody to go, Well, I'll put together a diet pound for you and you eat chicken, you eat fish, and rice, and now fruit and vegetables because that's healthy.

And then like, you know, you don't really need a lot of the exercises showing to you.

You just need somebody for a bit of uh

what's it called?

Alkies need it.

Alkies need it.

Yeah, like it accountability is the word I was looking for.

Everybody needs accountability.

Alcoholics need accountability.

You get an accountability buddy, I think.

The accountability buddy is like an accountability buddy.

Really?

I think so.

I'm like such a long-ago alcoholic.

I've not got any of the young hipster from like...

I don't know if that's a real problem.

I'm like Grandmaster Flash of alcoholism, man.

Yeah,

somebody can.

You need somebody support you.

As I was eating our Laboratory

Espresso cannolis today, I was thinking, I don't think Power Man would approve of this.

No, he wouldn't at all.

But it was me, really.

I mean, you asked for a cannoli, and I got two.

Yeah.

So that's really both of both misstepped there.

Yeah.

In terms of what Power Man wants from our lives.

But I'm not really

living for Power Man.

I'm moving towards it.

I'm moving towards the Power Man ideal.

Yeah.

He's an exciting guy.

Had that good anecdote about the he does social media videos.

He's in very good shape.

His body terrifies me.

Because he would just wear normal clothes and you can see all his muscles through his clothes and you're like

fuck that man.

Yeah.

It's scary.

There is a certain person, isn't there, where you're just like they know what their muscles are all called.

And that's the kind of stage I've never gone to.

Never been able to identify a deltoid.

Who knows?

Yeah.

I think it's um sweets.

Yeah.

Give me a pack of deltoids, please.

Ten.

Ten

American deltoids.

Ten deltoids.

Can I get some raspberry flavoured deltoids, please?

And they're like we

buds.

Someone gave me.

I was on a road trip to Wales recently and someone brought along milk duds.

The American sweet.

Never had a milk dud.

Sounds good though.

Never had grits either.

I don't know what grits is.

Is it like porridge?

It's like

some mashed up kind of shit, I think.

Because people say, Oh, it's that kind of thing of like with wheatabix, where you need to wash your dishes straight away.

Because wheatabix and supposedly grits,

it's easy to wash them when they're still wet, but when they dry, it's like washing cement off a bowl.

This is why we need your tour of the American Black South.

Do you know what I mean?

Where they're like, Can I wash those grit balls?

And you're like, I like wheatabix,

and they go, What

I want to see you just retracing the whole kind of civil rights movement

in food, yeah, yeah,

some great um moments that I would love to um recognize and respect while

being put off by collared greens, etc.

You don't like colleagues,

uh, it's like fried

greens with a lot of kind of garlic,

um, yeah, I'd make it fried, and it's no, it's good yeah it's it's really good i'd be up for that

we could have a show where we just imagine what we think

from difficult

this week

i think maybe

corn corn pork yeah okay imagine a lot of pork probably they cook it in the fucking ground or something one of those ones I watched that thing and it was kind of like um it was kind of like Grey British bake-off but it was like grey american barbecue off all right right because the other challenge is to build by hand one of those underground barbecues oh my god where it's like a coffin essentially made out of a pig's coffin burning pig's coffin with smoke pouring out of it

And yeah, you have to make it by hand with like, you build essentially a small cairn

with an underground tomb.

like a grave, and you put your pig inside that with like coal and stuff.

And you,

the woman who won it was like an adorable middle-aged woman, and she made it by hand.

It was like her versus this big, bulky guy, and she tore him apart with her handmade

funeral, funereal

event.

I would absolutely watch him barbecue off.

It was good.

It was on Netflix.

It was the first season, it was like really.

I mean, I've never watched Greybridge Bake Off.

That kind of thing doesn't really appeal.

I couldn't really have like a good outside grill because I'd be dead in a month.

What do you mean?

Too much food?

Yeah.

Too much meat.

Yeah.

You get a lot of stuff.

I freeze a full of meat in a really good grill.

I mean, I would imagine that would finish me off.

Maybe the only thing to keep me alive is that I don't have a garden.

You could barbecue indoors.

That would really.

Indoor barbecue.

Oh, yeah.

Did you eat too much?

No.

I get smoked out like a rat.

Indoor barbecuer sounds like one of our Edinburgh

homosexuals.

He's a bit of a gorgy indoor barbecue, if you know what I'm saying.

He really puts that sweet baby race off.

Hey, how you doing?

Pruduous Andy here.

Thank you for listening to another episode of Here Comes the Guillotine with Frankie Boyle, Susie McCabe, and Christopher MacArthur Boyd.

Susie and Christopher are playing Edinburgh Fringe this summer, so if you want to to head along, head to their socials for more information.

You can get all the episodes of Here Comes the Guillotine on Global Player right now.

Search for Global Player on your app store or go to globalplayer.com.

This is a Global Player original podcast.