Get Out of This Place If You Still Can

Speaker 1 Here Comes the Guillotine contains offensive language, mature content, and adult themes.

Speaker 2 It is not suitable for a younger audience.

Speaker 3 This is a global player original podcast.

Speaker 2 Hello, and welcome to Here Comes the Guillotine. I'm Frankie Boyle, and I'm going to be talking to Christopher MacArthur Boyd.

Speaker 2 Hey, I stumbled across your D and D post and thought I'd shoot my shot. I'm a weed dice maker from Airshare and I would love to make a set of dice for you guys.

Speaker 2 If you find time to have a look at my Instagram page to see what they're like, I'd be more than happy if you gave me some colour suggestions that match a certain player forward slash theme.

Speaker 2 If not then best of luck in all your campaigns. Thanks, Stag and Moon Dice.

Speaker 2 Now Frankie. I have also received correspondence from this person directly

Speaker 2 and I've already sorted out a bunch of dice for you and a bunch of dice for me. Nice.
So you have asked you what theme you would like and you said tolkin yeah

Speaker 2 which is quite vague in terms of colour or materials. I think they've ended up being

Speaker 2 kind of black marble with gold writing on them. What a life what a world there

Speaker 2 I've got my big damon chest of ballotor you get the chest of ballotor you have I've got these

Speaker 2 custom dice. Gold lettering.
I've got

Speaker 2 a son who plays a paladin. Yeah.
He's a young adventurer who's just trying to get in there.

Speaker 2 What was his backstory of this character?

Speaker 2 He's just out of the monastery and he's pretty religious.

Speaker 2 Last night I thought of commissioning some art. Yeah.
I thought of just going, I'll get a kind of artist that I know is really good to do this and do I saw his characters.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 Instagram just smothers everything on the algorithm so much that I think there's just now no point in doing that kind of stuff. I think everything now is video or TikTok.

Speaker 2 But you could make a video out of it. You could make a video of it in Reels, but still just

Speaker 2 strangles it. So we did that.
We had a really good illustration done for the pod, but it was just really hard to get anyone to see it.

Speaker 2 It just kills everything. If it's not making money for Zuckerberg, any like any word in your thing, tickets out now, everything, like pretty much everything is banned.

Speaker 2 It's not just you fucking doing a a video and it's a warped language, do you know what I mean? It's warped language because now you can't say suicide because that gets de-pushed algorithms.

Speaker 2 You have to say unalive.

Speaker 2 and you know the way people, I mean this is a strange example, but if someone used to say that's a fucking lame ass,

Speaker 2 that's a fucking lame ass t-shirt, you've got now they have to say that's a lame ah t-shirt. They put H's instead of the S's in the word ass.

Speaker 2 So it's really

Speaker 2 and I think it's just like you cannot

Speaker 2 in the same way that you canny make things for the algorithm, you can know make things for the algorithm as well. I think you just kind of have to make what you think is good.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 maybe it's that thing you were saying about like, I

Speaker 2 you can you can make a ship that sinks and then go up and then blame the sea. Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 But I also think you need to be conscious of the sea, but you also just need to go, well, what would be good? And then people will find it.

Speaker 2 So I had the idea for this thing, and I can see the artwork and everything, but you're just like, there's now no platform where you can push anything. So unless you're doing like actual posters.

Speaker 2 So if you're doing an Edinburgh show of it, say we did the live DD or something like that, they would be worth doing the artwork.

Speaker 2 To me, that's kind of like it's not as bad as AI, but it is a kind of related thing for because I love illustration, I love

Speaker 2 comic book artists. And you know, I've Frank Whitey's stuff on your book was great, yeah, yeah, that was great.

Speaker 2 But I've always tried to like um hire illustrators when I could, yeah, um, because I do we bits and bobs, yeah. Um, and hopefully, for the crime novel, we've got a really good cover artist and stuff,

Speaker 2 but um, that seems to me a thing that people aren't thinking about as much. But, like, everything now that isn't video is just kind of de-pushed, yeah.

Speaker 2 So best I make some fucking videos.

Speaker 2 I'm just not

Speaker 2 just too old.

Speaker 2 Imagine a front-of-camera thing where you're pretending to be a wet, a fucking

Speaker 2 fuck off.

Speaker 2 But these dice,

Speaker 2 um,

Speaker 2 you've got token dice.

Speaker 2 We're going to do another Dungeon Dragons adventure.

Speaker 2 My custom dice,

Speaker 2 they're Iron Brew themed. So

Speaker 2 it's the silver of the man in the logo in the circle. Do you know that sculpture in towards the east end of the city centre somewhere near the kind of passport office where it's a guy in rings?

Speaker 2 Was that the Iron Brewman? Do you know that?

Speaker 2 It's absolutely 100% not going to be the Iron Brewman. I've not seen it, but they've not got a giant Iron Brewman sculpture.
They should.

Speaker 2 So I've got the kind of silver lettering on orange and blue, kind of marble.

Speaker 2 And they've given me two options, a kind of matte,

Speaker 2 more, I think I said sheer there. So turned on by the idea of the dice.
Not sheer, kind of glossy ones and more matte ones. And I'm really excited.
They basically let you give them

Speaker 2 my address. Shout out to these guys, yeah? Yeah, stag and moon dice.
If you're a stag and moon dice. If you're a Scottish tabletop role-playing game person, I highly recommend watching.

Speaker 2 You could roll your stagger moon dice on your Howard Bespoke Furnishing

Speaker 2 gaming chest.

Speaker 2 I played my first game on the gaming chest the other night. It was a game of Agatha Christie

Speaker 2 card game. It was good.
Yep. We apprehended both the accomplice, Thor,

Speaker 2 and the murderer, my girlfriend. So is it like Cludo, but a bit more involved? Much less involved.
Wow. And

Speaker 2 I was the only one that didn't really follow the rules.

Speaker 2 Hello to Frankie, Susie, and CMB.

Speaker 2 Being a fan. This is a sadly Susie-less episode, but I'll pass on you later.
Been a fan since day one of the pod. Thank you for in case you wondered, is Susie just being very quiet today?

Speaker 2 Being a fan since day one of the pod, thank you for filling my commute with laughter and neurodiverse insight, which would be a great name. Neurodiverse?

Speaker 2 Neurodiverse Insight would be a great name for the podcast. I don't know that

Speaker 2 we're neurodiverse as a group, though. We're sort of

Speaker 2 neurotic damage DHD and Susie's

Speaker 2 in their own way.

Speaker 2 My partner and I are currently looking to like

Speaker 2 my partner and I are currently looking to buy our first home together. So I was going to give another cuck one there.

Speaker 2 My partner and I are looking for a bull. We're looking for a third.

Speaker 2 We're looking in and around Glasgow. I was looking for some advice for areas that you all recommend and also recommend to stay the fuck away from.
Many thanks, James. P.S.
Just a thought.

Speaker 2 Not been much cum chat recently. Any reason?

Speaker 2 I think I brought it back in the last

Speaker 2 kind of batch that we've done.

Speaker 2 I waited for the right moment and I found a nice cum joke and I think we were in there. I think we were drained after

Speaker 2 nine months have come.

Speaker 2 Shrivelled, raisin-like scroat meant that there was no pumping out its

Speaker 2 solitary sperm one at a time.

Speaker 2 Like

Speaker 2 a grenade launcher.

Speaker 2 Yeah, no, I mean, listen.

Speaker 2 We need to know budget, brother. We need to know the budget, of course, we need to know the budget.
And then we know where you're coming from as well, like what you're used to.

Speaker 2 um remember that time you bumped in each other that weird deli across the road for the stand that's not very good it seems like it's going to be great and then you go in and the vibe is just off

Speaker 2 i'm talking about the weird deli like near the stand like next to the doublet and you go up a wee bit before you turn into kelvin grove the broken clock no not the broken clock there's another one that it's just i don't even know what it is it's a kind of uh

Speaker 2 weird deli yeah that's right i did meet you in there no i don't like that yeah i was in i was trying it out and then you walked past and I was like, save me. Save me.
Save me.

Speaker 2 I was wondering because I would never go there. I would go to Broken Clock.
Yeah, Broken Clock's great.

Speaker 2 I think,

Speaker 2 in terms of

Speaker 2 up and coming areas, what age thing this fucking guy is. His 30s, maybe.

Speaker 2 We say my partner and I. And then he's saying.
Partner?

Speaker 2 Well, is that a gay guy, though?

Speaker 2 Partner should be a gay thing, not a fucking gay.

Speaker 2 I'm a partner.

Speaker 2 Well, my expression you've taken it from the gays yeah you know my partner

Speaker 2 oh we're a partnership in life fuck off it's a girlfriend your girlfriend or it's your boyfriend partners kinda I like I mean I I that's someone said to me once it's like well the thing is see if we all call our partners partners that means that gay people don't have to like out themselves in a conversation

Speaker 2 and it's like

Speaker 2 well it's pride into it you know you're proud to be gay and you're proud be proud be proud of your

Speaker 2 sexual

Speaker 2 and what you call your business partner. Yeah.
And do you have to like then date them?

Speaker 2 I don't think so.

Speaker 2 Well

Speaker 2 you want to avoid that whole

Speaker 2 oh you said maybe partners bend over. It's a bit cowboyish in it eight Bernard.
Yeah. It's a Western Fressotte into the wood partner that uh

Speaker 2 rings false for me. Also it's not a partnership.
One person has more power.

Speaker 2 Always always.

Speaker 2 Well, my last partner said that they liked the term partner, but I don't use it in my new relationship. One person always loves the other person more, and that's what holds it together.

Speaker 2 The certain amount of simping and compromise that's required in the relationship is facilitated by the different levels of investment.

Speaker 2 And that's how the molecule works.

Speaker 2 There's a line from my favourite band Los Campsinos for the go.

Speaker 2 I've been told that the only way to get along in love is to like the other slightly less than you get in return. I keep feeling like I'm being undercut, which I think is very funny.

Speaker 2 It's a very complex lyric.

Speaker 2 Do you know what I mean? I'm writing script at the moment, and I'm like, oh, I might try and simplify that a bit for them. They're very verbose.

Speaker 2 I would say the closest, the closest thing you get to a modern-day modesty in terms of like really funny um overly verbose lyricism would be um

Speaker 2 Gareth David from Los Campsinos.

Speaker 2 Jack Garrow sent me a clip of Morrissey and Morrissey is on the stage doing what is like open spot level stand-up he talks about how he went you can't say anything anymore

Speaker 2 he talked about how he doesn't watch TV and he put on the TV and he saw a beautiful beautiful dude and then the deer got shot right and he's going that's why I don't watch TV so that's his bit, right?

Speaker 2 He was watching Bombay from the 1930s. He was watching a wildlife show.
He was basically talking about how he was upset by a wildlife show in the middle of a fucking live stream genocide. That was it.

Speaker 2 Yeah. So he was upset by the fucking deer.
I watched Longleat Safari Park on TV. I watched Meerkat Manor and they were nasty to one of the Meerkats.
I don't like it.

Speaker 2 Ignore the fact that Castle's being bulldozed.

Speaker 2 Slightly more normal than that.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 But he always

Speaker 2 was a very funny cultural figure for a long time. And then just

Speaker 2 the Overton window moved and he was left

Speaker 2 marooned. I think if you're in a mansion in LA,

Speaker 2 you're going to come slightly untethered, you know? Like a dirigible.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Like a blimp.
Yeah. Docked.
Where did blimps dock?

Speaker 2 In the old blimp station. Yeah,

Speaker 2 I would say that Morsey was like a

Speaker 2 dirigible at the blimp station who is completely untethered and has floated off not just out of the sky but out into space and it's became debris, interstellar debris.

Speaker 2 So I would say Morrissey's relationship to...

Speaker 2 You live in Beverly Hills, presumably,

Speaker 2 and every time you go to the fucking shops, a hundred wee guys dressed as you run after you trying to wank you off. And

Speaker 2 it's not great for the critical faculty. As one of the guys who try to wipe him off, it's not great for him.

Speaker 2 Possibly you retreat into

Speaker 2 a kind of revanch into the attitudes of your,

Speaker 2 you know, what you saw as a better time before

Speaker 2 you.

Speaker 2 When you could still walk down the street and you, you know, he's from, we forget, but he's from all that stuff about the Moore's Murderers and stuff. Yeah.
He was

Speaker 2 cutting about when the fucking Moores Murderers were abducting people. Yeah.

Speaker 2 you know, cause everybody idolised him when I was a teenager. You think of him as being of your generation, he isn't.
He's like from the British sixties. Yeah, and he was like really

Speaker 2 the thing about a lot of that,

Speaker 2 I can say they're kind of oasis and the same thing, but like when it came out,

Speaker 2 it was already

Speaker 2 nostalgic because Morrissey was like a kind of blown.

Speaker 2 I know this question is about where they should live in Glasgow and not a critique of Mancunian music culture but like Morrissey's whole look with the big massive exaggerated quiff that was like a kind of blown out Elvis

Speaker 2 and like the a lot of you know all that kind of muriel spark worship all that kind of kitchen sink drama stuff he was in the 80s as a person of the 60s and when you look at the 90s

Speaker 2 Oasis, you know, they were having the union jack and they were doing quite Beatlesy stuff

Speaker 2 they were trying to be the 60s as well yeah

Speaker 2 that

Speaker 2 impulse to have kind of 60s worship i say this as a guy who wears a you know at this at the fringe i had a quiff and i had the tweed suit and i had a kind of wide brimmed collar you know i'm guilty of it myself but it's uh it's an it's a bad hang to be living in the past and it will absolutely rot your mind which is a major theme in the political video game discolysium uh

Speaker 2 It's also in the video game Dark Souls. You know, you cannot live in the past, you need to destroy the past and build a new world.
That's the only route.

Speaker 2 With regards to what area of Glasgow you'd like to live in,

Speaker 2 without budget, we are struggling. Yeah, but I would say because it ranges from,

Speaker 2 I guess, you know, if you're looking for a flat in Glasgow, it can range across a million quid. Yeah.
So, like, without knowing,

Speaker 2 like,

Speaker 2 you're thinking. I would say move to the south side's very uncommon.
A lot of English people there so if you're English you'll make some friends pretty quickly outside the new Paisano.

Speaker 2 Are they English? I'm assuming. Coven Hill, Newlands I think is quite nice.
I mean I guess it's getting more expensive now. Covernehill is getting more expensive.

Speaker 2 To an extent in Glasgow house prices are tethered to school catchment areas

Speaker 2 slightly more than in other places. So if you had had a kid, that would make a big difference.

Speaker 2 Is that in any way related to the

Speaker 2 split between Catholic schools and underground matrix schools?

Speaker 2 In a very tiny way,

Speaker 2 a couple of particularly attractive Catholic schools have probably affected the property prices in that area, like St. Minions or something like that.

Speaker 2 But I would say basically, my point is: if you don't have a kid, then that opens up like some places where you could get a better house for slightly cheaper.

Speaker 2 Buy your first home. That's a thing.

Speaker 2 Oh, wait. I don't think they're moving here for anywhere else.
I think they already know Glasgow. Oh, because they're saying we're looking to buy your first home together.

Speaker 2 We're looking in and around Glasgow. So maybe

Speaker 2 that's very strange. In and around.
Around. Would you ever live around Glasgow?

Speaker 2 Would you ever go out to East Cobride or East Cobride?

Speaker 2 Airdrie or

Speaker 2 Try and stay Glasgow. That's my advice.
Yeah, because I would say try and listen, there's nothing against Airdrie or Clyde Bank or whatever, but. I've got plenty against them.

Speaker 2 I know a few people who live in the shadow of Erskine Bridge, one of the most popular suicide spots in the UK. It's actually listed on Wikipedia globally as one of the most popular suicide spots.

Speaker 2 So, if that's attractive to you, if you have quite a maudlin perverse nature, I would recommend going out there to Erskine.

Speaker 2 Maybe out in the old Kilpatrick Hills or something. You know, you could have a nice time out there.
My cousin's moved out there. After my grad's funeral, my cousin drove me out to see his house

Speaker 2 and he's having a great time. He's got a garden.
I'll tell you what, I don't have a garden. I don't have a big dog that's shaped like a meatball.
You know, my cousin's doing alright, but there.

Speaker 2 Depends if you drive as well. Yeah, I mean if you drive you can you can really open up some options.
Me and you, we don't drive.

Speaker 2 So we kind of need to be near train stations or near parks or near, you know, this kind of 15-minute city thing that right-wing reactionary types are against for absolutely no reason

Speaker 2 other than being absolute lunatunes.

Speaker 2 It's great being within a walking distance of a pharmacy in a supermarket. Can you get delivery out in the country? I don't think you can.

Speaker 2 Well, I live in... I moved back to my mum and dad's in the outer limits of the East End, out next to kind of Baleson area, not to dox my dad.

Speaker 2 But you can,

Speaker 2 as the old saying goes, not to dox my dad. But

Speaker 2 I was out there and I found, and I was going through it really when I moved back to my mum and dad's, and I found that me going through it coincides with a heavy dependence on just eating deliveroo.

Speaker 2 And the options are very narrow. They're very narrow out there.
You can and and I would always say not I know you have you've asked about Glasgow property markets instead of

Speaker 2 advice on Deliveroo but always get stuff that's within a mile of your house on Deliveroo because the quality of most food other than maybe a pizza or something will really decay

Speaker 2 if it's more than an hour. More than a mile away.
I'm going to Columbo this week and say if it's your first home and you're also considering leaving Glasgow and living on outside of Glasgow, then

Speaker 2 I think

Speaker 2 my wife loves Lanarkshire. My wife loves Covin Hill.

Speaker 2 I think I'm going to suggest Coven Hill because it's still not that dear. It's certainly cheaper than Shawling.
Shut up. It's

Speaker 2 up. But it's going to keep shooting up.
But also, if you're around that area, what about Langside Battlefield?

Speaker 2 Some of that can be expensive, like the nicer streets, like fucking Campbell Avenue or something like that.

Speaker 2 But if you were on a budget, I think there's a broad mix mixy

Speaker 2 prices around there. Worth going down there, you're really near anywhere that you're like near Queen's Park and you could get into the park, I think would be really good.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then you're right beside loads of places, Sean's. Yeah.
No, I mean, to me,

Speaker 2 apologies if I've said this in the podcast before, but to me, the south side of Glasgow should be recognised as a separate city

Speaker 2 in the same way that Salford is for Manchester or Gates Head is for Newcastle or Birkenhead is for Liverpool.

Speaker 2 Because to me, it's just a completely different south of the river, it's a completely different zone. I think even accent-wise, yeah.

Speaker 2 I Scottish cultural accent, people like it's supposed to be fucking Glasgow, you know what? You're just like,

Speaker 2 nobody I grew up with talked like nobody said Glasgow, what the fuck are you on about?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm just talking away that isn't that still so I can please strangers with absolutely four brain cells to rub together in the entire head. Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 2 Don't ask me if the time on your phone is accurate. What's that supposed to mean? Get back to home.
You old freak. Fuck me, man.
Anyway. Fucking city.

Speaker 2 Guy, get out of glass. Get the fuck out of this place where you still can.

Speaker 2 Oh.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Oh.

Speaker 2 This is Christopher reading out the thing, by the way.

Speaker 2 I'm not being blown underneath the table by

Speaker 2 dear Frankie Susie and particularly Christopher.

Speaker 2 What do you do when you've gone to see two great comedians doing whip work in progress at the rum shack, a great venue, and find yourself sharing a table with two strangers that appear to have been drinking heavily all day?

Speaker 2 You initially respond to their pre-show pata with polite indifference, but then, to your utter shame, feel implicated when they proceed to heckle really weirdly and cackle in all the wrong places from start to finish.

Speaker 2 We know it must have been really bad for the comedians, especially the poor wee fella

Speaker 2 who were trying to sort out their shows for the fridge, but right now we're too humiliated by the horrific thought that anyone in the room might have thought that we were associated with this pair of utter cunts.

Speaker 2 We feel it may be safer never to to go out in Glasgow again. Any advice? Ellie and Ricky.
P.S. Both acts were great as always.
All the best for Edinburgh Chuckar La.

Speaker 2 This is a

Speaker 2 discreet reference to a gig that I've done with none other than

Speaker 2 someone we are about to have lunch with in

Speaker 2 20 minutes.

Speaker 2 Josie Long. We had the seat.
You came to a bunch of them. Oh no, you came to one of them.
I came to one gig just interjected.

Speaker 2 I came at one where the fucking guy behind the bar kept moving the fucking glasses and the bottles and stuff. And he wanted someone to come up and talk to him and go, Can you not do that?

Speaker 2 And he wanted some interaction. I didn't want to give it to him, but I also wanted to bounce his fucking head right off the bar.
Yeah,

Speaker 2 yeah, shout out to the rum shack, incredible friend. Shout out to the rumshack.
No, no, not all great stuff.

Speaker 2 Most of them were sent.

Speaker 2 I mean, that really bothers me. I wonder how it affects

Speaker 2 neuronal people. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 2 Maybe you're getting you need heavies. I need heavies.
Right, your work in progress have some fucking big monster.

Speaker 2 Well, this,

Speaker 2 can I just say the four work in progresses me and Josie done? We've done a series of tag team whips in a great venue that I'm sharing in the south side. Place I think is great.

Speaker 2 I don't consider it part of Glasgow, but I think it's an absolutely fantastic area.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 one of them was spoiled, as you can probably guess from that letter, by a couple.

Speaker 2 And you know, that thing I said, she was basically Josie went on first and had to leave

Speaker 2 to go do something else, which is fine.

Speaker 2 But a woman was heckling and really disrupting.

Speaker 2 Like, because a work in progress is basically you going, I'm not charging full price because the tickets were less than what you would pay to see either me or Josie.

Speaker 2 You know, it was really quite cheap. You know, me and Josie, I would say, are two people who really put their arse into a whip.

Speaker 2 And we're not going up there and going, I've never even thought about this. Let's just see, you know, we put a bit of effort in.

Speaker 2 But Josie's show kind of got ruined by this woman laughing in the wrong places. But then when I came on, she started heckling me quite a bit.

Speaker 2 And I said to her, listen, I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave because

Speaker 2 you're not getting what everybody else is getting, which is that this is like a rehearsal for me and to me an opportunity to try out some materials. I'm gonna have to leave.

Speaker 2 She went, No, I'm not leaving. And I said, I'm gonna turn around for 10 seconds.
I'm gonna count from 10 to 1. I'm gonna give you the opportunity to, you know, get out of here.

Speaker 2 And I won't make fun of you.

Speaker 2 I just need

Speaker 2 to do this a certain way. And she wouldn't.
And I turned around for 10. I turned around.
She was still sitting there. She goes, I'm not going anywhere.
I was like, okay.

Speaker 2 And then her, and to be fair to them, they didn't make a single noise. Well, that's not true.
The guy, both of them got up to go to the bathroom in the last five minutes,

Speaker 2 really loudly and distractingly.

Speaker 2 I mean, it was a real awful. And I had people come to me with French going, I saw you at that whip and the rum shack with that woman was horrible.

Speaker 2 And I just wanted to see what the show was like for real. And it was great.
So thanks a lot. So there's no security there.

Speaker 2 It's just that it's usually one drunk can run it for 50, 60 people.

Speaker 2 One drunk, but you can say that about the King's Theatre. Do you know what I mean? That's true.
You can say that about the front. I mean, remind that time at the end of the day.
There is in theory.

Speaker 2 There isn't theory.

Speaker 2 In theory, the security in the players.

Speaker 2 Something security bevel that comes

Speaker 2 do you know we stayed in a hotel in kildare

Speaker 2 yes right so a golf gold medal sausages they had wonderful sausages which would have been awarded the gold medal um and there was a bar so i'd imagine quite an upmarket bar where you might have a a nice single malt or something and a nice restaurant and all that kind of stuff but you would imagine people occasionally have a little too much to drink

Speaker 2 and their security gentleman I don't know if you saw him was a guy who's maybe about 55 was a very very large man looked like maybe used to

Speaker 2 no no no This would be the top hat guy simply to greet you. There's another guy who wanders about and he has a long overcoat on and he looks like maybe played a bit of rugby back in his past.

Speaker 2 And there's just, I think, in that job, the communication of possibility.

Speaker 2 You know, so if someone's had a little too much to drink, there are things that might happen and there are things that might not happen.

Speaker 2 And these can be communicated

Speaker 2 with a large hand on the shoulder. Nothing really needs to be said.
Having a good evening, sir.

Speaker 2 A giant hand grips you from shoulder to collarbone, and you decide that maybe the evening has reached a natural conclusion. And I don't think

Speaker 2 I very much doubt this guy has ever thrown a punch in his life.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 that kind of thing has its place in comedy. Of course.
You know. Yeah.
If you had that guy in there.

Speaker 2 But listen, it's just a whip in the basement of a Caribbean restaurant. And I found the whips very useful.
And I do think

Speaker 2 at the end of the show, I said, listen,

Speaker 2 sometimes you go to a whip and the c and it's it's really easy, and it's really helpful to write, but you do need to pressure test your material in difficult circumstances.

Speaker 2 I think I think it is helpful as long as you're doing other whips that are helpful in a fun way, it's good to have a hard whip. Sure, man, and people talk about that.

Speaker 2 You go, you learn more in the hard gig and all that stuff, but sometimes what you're learning is to make it faster and shorter and more immediate. And that's not necessarily

Speaker 2 if you're taking it to the Edinburgh Festival,

Speaker 2 you don't necessarily need to make it fast. I explained this to the woman.
I said, I'm going to an arts festival to do a one-man show.

Speaker 2 And listen,

Speaker 2 you're not going to be there. So, the way

Speaker 2 if you were there every night, that would be really expensive for both of us. The accommodation is like insane.
So,

Speaker 2 I'm trying to get ready for this thing, and you're making it so that

Speaker 2 I think I've done a good job, but you know, everybody in the audience felt I'm

Speaker 2 I

Speaker 2 I pride myself on being able to play a difficult room and because I came up a certain way

Speaker 2 in the circuit doing like

Speaker 2 Rangers and Celtic

Speaker 2 clubs and stuff you know

Speaker 2 they're quite quite the gig the Rangers and Celtic club

Speaker 2 fucking kicks off in there almost every night

Speaker 2 I met Rangers clubs and Celtic clubs I did a I did a Rangers club in Canada and there were so few

Speaker 2 paragraphs. And Rangers fans there that the Celtic fans just showed up.
And I think once you're over there, those old divisions kind of fade away.

Speaker 2 And it's like, oh, we actually know each other, don't we? Protestants and Catholics versus

Speaker 2 whoever else.

Speaker 2 But do you know that way? I'm not actually au fait with a lot of kind of

Speaker 2 those divisions, you know what I mean? Because I grew up in a kind of gothic household. You're just a fucking Spaniel gambling about in a fucking minefield.

Speaker 2 I went up in a Knights of Columbus club, I think they're called, the kind of Celtic equivalent of an Orange Lodge.

Speaker 2 Obviously, it's not the same as an Orange Lodge, but it's a kind of social club for Saudi fans.

Speaker 2 I went up to test the microphone and said hello, hello, at the start of the set, and people were really fucking upset with me.

Speaker 2 And I had to go, nope, sorry, I don't know any of that stuff, but you know, anyway.

Speaker 2 But yeah, I would say that I remember speaking to

Speaker 2 Kev about this, and he was saying, you know, people,

Speaker 2 because he had some gigs that were in the newspaper because people were heckling. And, like, yeah, yeah, sure.
You know, Peter Kaye recently had that thing.

Speaker 2 Somebody shouted out his gig, and it was in the newspaper. And it's like,

Speaker 2 I mean, it's just another example how journalism as an industry has completely crumpled on its arse. I had that in the fucking Glasgow Herald one time.

Speaker 2 I had to get a lawyer's letter out to him because we did a gig in

Speaker 2 Theatre Royal or something, and just guys making animal noises and screaming and stuff. People like, get him out, you know, get him out.

Speaker 2 And I was like, I'll go off for two minutes so the security can get across the room, get him out, and go on the show. So, it's a great show.

Speaker 2 It's actually a show that the fucking album comes from, right?

Speaker 2 But, um, there's another reason we had to get him out, right? So, recording,

Speaker 2 um, and then it fucking turns up in the herald and they're like, you know, stormed off stage, doesn't mention that you came back, yeah, right, or that it was just a thing for an album, yeah. And then,

Speaker 2 like, just this complete perversion where they put in quotes from the people who got thrown out

Speaker 2 So I went I sent them a lawyer's letter and went yeah you're gonna need to change your story back to something much closer to the truth to reality Yeah, but that's the risk you have because say you're not me See you're a fucking new comedian and you're doing your first gig there

Speaker 2 like what's that headline like for your career? Yeah, well they don't care because they've just got some clicks at it. Yeah,

Speaker 2 so I remember speaking to some comedians and they were saying, if you're playing a big room,

Speaker 2 you know, if you're playing the Kingstere, that's what, 1,750 seats. If 1% of them are Arsholes, that means there's 17 Arsholes there.
If you're playing the Hydro,

Speaker 2 how many seats? That's like 11,000, 12,000 seats or something like that. I think it's just going to way higher than that.
That's like 100.

Speaker 2 If 1% of those people are cunts, that's like 100 people are cunts. And like, if you're in the rum shack

Speaker 2 to 60 people doing a whip,

Speaker 2 that's 1% of that's like 0.

Speaker 2 I don't know. I'm not going to say that.

Speaker 2 It's less than one person, and I would say this person was less than a human, if I'm honest with you.

Speaker 2 So there was a person there who ruined it,

Speaker 2 and that's just the nature of performance. And I would say, you know, for you, that was the one time you went to see me, but I done 25 whips and then I done 32 fringe shows.

Speaker 2 So I don't even really remember that, to be honest with you. The comedian is just trying to make the show go well.
No, but I don't think anybody has ever stormed off.

Speaker 2 Like, the comedian is just, and people have stopped shows and had hecklers removed for hundreds of years. And it's the right thing to do.
And it's sometimes the right thing to do.

Speaker 2 So people are like, oh, you should deal with a heckler.

Speaker 2 Like, the majority of the time, you can deal with it in lines. Remember that woman we had in fucking...
What was the woman who ran out? Darlington. Oh, my God.
She stormed the stage.

Speaker 2 She tried to stop on the stage. She fucking got thrown out, threw herself on the ground, took all her jewelry off.
No,

Speaker 2 this was a different one.

Speaker 2 She

Speaker 2 claimed to be a police officer, hurled all her jewelry around the fucking thing, was screaming and crying.

Speaker 2 The tour manager got her got her clothes and jewellery back on, and then she ran into oncoming traffic. She ran out of the building screaming.

Speaker 2 Yeah, like there's no put down on earth that's going to like heal that wound. Jesus couldn't have fucking sorted her out.
Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Bad show having someone thrown out. You should be able to deal with that's your job.

Speaker 2 You know, Sometimes it's that's the way to do it, yeah.

Speaker 2 And maybe in hindsight, I should have said, We're gonna stop the show and we're gonna get around these people, and I'll just do the rest of the show. And everybody get a drink

Speaker 2 or something, yeah. So, I'm sorry you had a rough night, Ellie and Rickey.
I hope that uh both acts were great as always. Thank you very much, Ellen Rickey.

Speaker 2 But uh, I'm looking forward to having a Nippon kitchen with Josie Long in the next

Speaker 2 in the next 12 minutes, uh, but uh, yeah, I would just say I'm glad you enjoyed it, and I hope everybody got so. And I think, honestly, I hate to give any credence to Hecklers and I refuse to, but

Speaker 2 that is kinda the thing:

Speaker 2 somebody stands up in front of an audience and they can do anything. Like, I watched that show, Heckler's Welcome by James A.
Castor. And then, uh, have you heard about this? No.

Speaker 2 He was so, I mean, I really, really rate James A. Castor.
I think he's a fantastic comedian.

Speaker 2 He was really not enjoying touring because people, because he's so famous now from, you know, Bake Off and Taskmaster and Off Menu and these things,

Speaker 2 he's he's doing alternative comedy to a mainstream crowd, and people are ruining it the way that anybody gets heckled. But he's doing quite not immediate stuff, really kind of tricky comedy.

Speaker 2 I think he's doing technically, I think it's really interesting, a lot of stuff he's doing. So

Speaker 2 he was really not enjoying it. And he went, Do you know what? I'm so stressed out about touring.
I'm going to do a tour where there's rules. Heckler's welcome.

Speaker 2 I'm going to do a show where people can shout out, but there's rules.

Speaker 2 And at the end of it, he realised he kind of got the same amount of heckles as he would have, you know, the same amount of people heckled. And

Speaker 2 it was just him thinking about it differently at the end of it. It was quite interesting.
I really like him. I mean, I just think it's like

Speaker 2 sometimes you just need to wait for your crowd to age.

Speaker 2 Do you know what I mean? And I wonder if he does a tour in a couple of years and some of those arseholes have, you know, had a kid. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It might all be a bit easier.

Speaker 2 Thanks so much for the questions. I hope you.

Speaker 2 And what did you say, Governor Hill?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I would move. I would go to Partick.
Hank Particks, honestly. Do you know that I used to live in a Partick on Dumbarton Road? It's expensive, though, man.
It's expensive, but it's rough.

Speaker 2 First time. But it's nice.

Speaker 2 Rough? Partic?

Speaker 2 You're a fucking doe fan.

Speaker 2 Fucking.

Speaker 2 Particip's fucking crazy, man. I lived across the road.
Dumbarton Road is

Speaker 2 a fucking... It's the cantina scene from Star Wars.
Yeah, man. It is fucking.

Speaker 2 Yes. How dare you come in with Dauphin? I lived across the road for an alcoholic cokehead cage fighter who fucking screamed Rangers every night for a year.

Speaker 2 I used to walk about that fucking street meeting for my kid. Wanted to go to after-school club.
He loved it. And I would walk about that street just going, fucking hell, man.

Speaker 2 And the mental new businesses that would open and close, the bazaar.

Speaker 2 I remember this place, like a Turkish fucking deli or pastry place and went in and they all have like the jam doughnut and he heated it up in a microwave man this fucking red hot donut scalding and you're just like scalding

Speaker 2 citrus brazil in your fucking gop i mean there's no i would say movie party i think it's like

Speaker 2 i always dreamed of moving out because my dad's hairdressers was there and i always wanted and i would walk about and it was so different vibe-wise to where i grew up in the suburbs i was like this is fucking what it's like all about i remember i walked past a charity shop when I was a teenager and I went in to look at a keyboard they had in the window.

Speaker 2 The guy wanting to hire went, I had my headphones on, he could hear it through the headphones. He went, Are you listening to the Black Angel song for the Velvet Underground? I was like, Yeah,

Speaker 2 nobody in Baylesson had ever asked me if I was listening to the Velvet Underground. I was like, I'm where I'm supposed to be.
And if you live in White Street,

Speaker 2 there's a very good chance that your back court was done by Manda. Wow, that's good.
Yeah, unless they've recently renovated them.

Speaker 2 Yeah, very probably. Shout out to Hughes.
Shout out to Stagg and Moondece. Shout out to Howarth's bespoke furniture.
And shout out to what's your dad's name? Hugh. Hugh Boyle.
Hugh Boyle.

Speaker 2 Does he still make fences?

Speaker 2 Make fences? Is that how you dad? He would have been doing like slabs. He'd have been putting his slabs down and

Speaker 2 you know, mixing the corner. Is he retired? He's still doing it.
He's very retired. He's 81.
Well, shout out to his business in the the past. Yeah.

Speaker 2 If you invent a time machine, you could go back and get some slabs put down by your dad.

Speaker 2 Or, you know, if you're wandering around Glasgow, that we, because you're talking about Langside, that we Italian thing that used to be the tramway station, the slabs outside that, that was my dad.

Speaker 2 Wow, you showed me that. My uncle did, my uncle just died recently.
He did

Speaker 2 the Armadillo, the

Speaker 2 Buchanan Street Steps. Wow.
And he did some stuff. He's done Buchanan Street Steps.
And the stuff in Pollock Estate around the original burrow collection and slabs. Yeah.

Speaker 2 There you go.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Shout out to all the great slab work in Glasgow.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay. Right.
Thanks so much. Can I just quickly do my plug?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Join me to jump in on it.
I have it. It's just going to be me saying.

Speaker 2 I did a hype man stuff.

Speaker 2 What's happening, Christopher?

Speaker 2 Let's have a very plain advert because we need to put it in. I would like it to be in at the end or just in the advert, but

Speaker 2 here, this is Christopher MacArthur Boyd from the Here Comes Guillotine podcast that you're listening to saying, please come and see me

Speaker 2 on tour next year, 2026. I'm going on my second ever UK tour in support of my new show, Howling at the Moon, Done at the Fringe, very fun.

Speaker 2 I'm going to be all over the UK, I'm going to be in Glasgow, I'm going to be in London, gonna be all over Scotland, I'm gonna be all over England, a wee bit of Ireland, some of Wales, not as much as I'd like, but a wee bit of Wales.

Speaker 2 But go and check that out. Have you got into plug frank? And have you got a support act on that tour? I've got Roscoe McClelland.
Wow, so you're going to get 20 minutes of Roscoe McClelland. Yes.

Speaker 2 A break where you could get a drink, and then you're going to be back with yourself for the main show. A soft drink, a hard drink, either.

Speaker 2 That sounds fantastic. Thank you so much.
And you have a paper book back?

Speaker 2 Oh, my paperback book. Your paperback book.
Came out on September the 11th of a short history of the apocalypse. Never forget it.

Speaker 2 Which is, you know, a challenging read, but becoming more relevant by the day. Every day it gets more and more relevant.
And I think Susie is not here, but she is also on tour next year.

Speaker 2 She's doing a show, Best Behavior, on tour in the UK and Ireland. And she's also doing a new show at the Kings next year and the Glasgow Comedy Festival.
You can come see me at the Kings as well.

Speaker 2 And please do. Thank you so much.
Peace and love.

Speaker 2 My power.

Speaker 2 You can get all the episodes of Here Comes the Guillotine on Global Player right now.

Speaker 2 Search for Global Player on your app store or go to globalplayer.com.

Speaker 3 This is a Global Player original podcast.