The Clanging Funeral Bell

Here Comes the Guillotine contains offensive language, mature content, and adult themes. It is not suitable for a younger audience.

This is a Global Player Original podcast.

Hello, and welcome to Here Comes the Guillotine. I'm Frankie Boyle, and I'm going to be talking to Susie McCabe, Christopher MacArthur Boyd.

Can I just... Sorry, just before we start, or you know, formally start.
Do you know how in the last episode we were talking about people that had died? Diane Keaton. I'm never kind of gutted over it.

Go, all right, I okay.

But Diane Keaton, I was like,

no,

fuck off, universe.

She done society a favour by keeping Woody away from more vulnerable people for a wee while, you know. She was the, you know, you put

some jam on a bit of bread and the wasps.

She was society's that for Woody Allen. She was the human jam.
Yeah. Woody Allen human jam bread.

I thought she was. I thought she was a great actress.

She was in quite a lot of films when I was growing up. It was like that kind of thing.
And then, obviously, she's in The Godfather, and I love The Godfather, and she's great in The Godfather.

And I'm just seeing as I seen it, I was just like,

fuck's sake.

Do you know what I mean? Do you know when somebody famous dies, like when Bowie died, I I was like, oh, come on.

I was gutted. I.

I've never actually listened to Bowie's last album. Oh, really? Blackstone?

I listened to that, and then I thought, once I listen to this, it's kind of all over. So I've never actually done it.
I will do it.

The beautiful thing about that for me was that he'd never really done any jazz music his whole career.

But then his brother, who died when he was growing up, when he was young, was a jazz musician and he always felt like, well, I don't want to do that because that was his hang.

And then when he died, he was like,

I'm meet my brother, so I'll put a jazz record there. It's beautiful.

I was gutted. Absolutely guttied.
Chris Benoit died when I was 11, and he also murdered his wife and child. Wow, I remember the jokes about that.

What were the jokes about that?

I can't remember.

Nobody told me it was fake. But I know, but the thing about him was he died, and we all found found out he died.
And then the news came out the next day.

But his pals, I think, kind of guessed that

he had committed these heinous crimes.

So they were as tribute going, listen, we don't know about this, you know, it's a shame he's dead, but let's not.

The whole story comes out. Dude,

it could have been anyone that did an eight-foot elbow drop.

We've had a similar death to that recently with Ian Watkins.

He was fucking murdered in the prison.

How similar it is. Well, the band members were like, no, we kind of, nah, you're alright, thanks.

Yeah, man, he got fucking.

As

not to be a power theft, Jacob Holly of the Screen Rock podcast pointed out, like, he was killed in prison and they keep all the pedos together.

So it's like he was he was a pedo who was killed by pedos.

Do you know what I mean? Well, it's sex offenders, isn't it? They're not all pedos.

It might have been a pedophile. Like a paedophiles have quite a distinct thing.

I would also say we're probably on legally shaky ground, and this would be the worst thing to get sued by

two sex offenders.

They've got 25 years and a million quiddle of global player.

I think it's like

the it's a kind of

vulnerability thing, isn't it? So, you know, we think beast wing, if you were a beast, you would say it's actually a fucking isolation wing or whatever. Do you know what I mean? For protection.

Protection, it's called, I believe. So it could be someone wants to someone wants to kill you because of a

debt or cause you've said the wrong thing. I mean, say we got put in prison and Shaheed Baldi's in there and he's been following the podcast.

We might be put in the fucking Beast Wing for our own protection. I believe Shahid Baldi is in charge of the subreddit.
For Here Comes a Guy.

He does it from an iPad that he's smuggled up his car.

It's a bit like the old Louis Thoreau documentary, wasn't it? When he was in the American prisons, and that was fucking wild, the pedo one.

And they're like, well, I found God. And that's all they kept saying.
He was like, so what about the prison are you in? And they were like,

so I pray.

I'm in the pedo wing.

You know.

I done a gig for the pedos once and a uh, well, for the protection in a jail. What jail, Peter Reed? Fuck, it was

Polmont, so not quite a jail.

That's no sex offenders, is it? In Polmont. Isn't it young offenders? Young offenders.
Young sex offenders.

It's an amazing kind of new romantic

era.

The young sex offenders.

We are here.

I thought protection was like we guys like me who couldn't have been with the rest of the prison because they got their head kicked in because they were specky or something.

But it was actually, yeah, it was.

I was looking at them and I was like, no,

this is the sex offenders, definitely. They were just kind of...

They had the look.

They had a kind of online.

Have you heard about that? The online hunch that people are developing?

People on their phones, because they're like that.

The human body is evolving to be a more

rounded

way, aren't we? We're kind of going back to the. That's right, we stood up and now we're going back to

cavemen.

Have you heard about the

millennial stair?

No.

I wanted to have it. The Gen Z stair.
Or is it the Gen Z?

Right, okay. So I didn't, I was in a shop, and the woman had been like, or the girl had been like, do you have like your card? And I was like, yeah,

and the signal was really bad. And she went, oh, if you do this, do that, right? Bum bum bum bum bum.
And I was like, all right, okay, I've never felt more like Manana.

And it was this really uncomfortable moment.

They just stare and smile because they don't know how to interact. And my mate who was with me, my best mate, we Emsy, was like, oh, I, this is a thing.
And I was like, really?

And she went, yeah, my niece and nephew are a bit like this.

And I was like, what the fuck? And I wanted to ask if you had had that because obviously you've got older kids. Oh, they're staring.

It's more in disbelief than anything. It's like, fucking.
Remember, going to me, I like, so I was like, I got shampoo and conditioner. And she went, aye, these are two different kinds.

Well, you got fucking dragonfruit shampoo and coconut conditioner. I was like, oh, well, you want them to be the same? And she was like,

yeah, so it all smells the same. You could tell her looking at me, just going, this old prick doesn't know how to wash his hair.

Did you explain that you've spent a lot of your life living in hotel rooms? So

shampoo and conditioner just isn't just funny.

Pay your way.

So you've got nice smelling hair. Right.
Putting shampoo. And you wouldn't have two smells.

surely that's better. Well, I guess if it's like if what country is dragging fruit from, let's speculate.

I would say the Philippines. The Philippines.
Where are coconuts from? Caribbean. Caribbean.
Those two places should not.

You're mixing two breeds of cross-pollination.

Right into straight eugenics.

Yeah, he talks.

See, when he talks about conditioner and shampoo, careful, that's a metaphor. We know exactly what that is.

That's his cross-pollination, I think he calls it.

Some people have speculated that the Gen Z stare comes from

developing your social skills during lockdown. So,

you know,

they're all a wee bit slightly stunted. People stare at me a bit anyway.
So, I don't. You know what I mean? Cast a baby the other day in Policy State, and it was clearly its first beard.

Do you know what I mean? It was like, what the

that guy's heads upside down.

I I sometimes find that babies stare at me, you know, like if I'm in public transport or something, they just kind of look at me and they're like,

as if it's almost like, you're not quite an adult, are you? But you're not quite me. And you're like, well, you would be right.
They just sit and smile away.

Dogs and babies have me pegged, not pegged. Do you know what I mean? They realise I'm up for a play and they'll look at me and they're like, I'm all right.
I they detect whimsy.

He'll pull a face, he'll get involved. I used to be quite scared of babies.
I was always good with kind of toddlers and all, but I used to be quite scared of babies.

And now I'm just like, eh, they're fine. I think something just comes to age.
Because I was always, I didn't even want to hold a baby.

I've got a nephew at 21 years old, and when he was a baby, I was like, nah, you're alright. I'll drop him.
You're fine.

And people used to be like, why are you like that? And I'm like, I've just never, I'd never been around babies growing up because I was the youngest and best. You were the baby of the family.
Aye.

Which explains a lot, Christopher. Yeah, I was also the baby of the family, which also explains a lot, Christopher.

Two babies.

Were you middle?

Explains a lot. Classic middle.

No one really gave a shit.

Oh my god. What is the middle experience? I've only seen it in my women.
We've had the first one. You fucking project all the.
You've got to be like this, you've got to get a job. You've got to...

So my brother's like a fucking

some kind of economist for

property development or something like that.

And then you get to the youngest, it's like, do what you like, you're the fucking queen, or you're the little princeling, or whatever.

And then you're the princeling, yeah, or you are the princeling, the little princeling, and then middle is sort of like, we've got a photo to see the first one,

and you just kind of left your own devices.

So

I wasn't the little

princess or anything like that. I wasn't that kind of, I wasn't that.
The oldest was like the golden child.

And to a certain degree, probably still is. Whereas I was a bit like, oh, for fuck's sake, why can't you be more like the other one? And you're like, well, because I'm totally different.

Because it is that thing as well, isn't it?

So there's, I mean, there's quite a big gap between me and my older sibling. So it's that thing.
Whereas they then have to go back, don't they? They then have to go back. Like, they're in a routine.

There's three of them. They're in a routine.
they've got their way of, you know, we drop him off at school and all that.

And then you come and there's fucking sterilising units and nappies, and fucking they're just like,

ah, fuck, what have we done?

Sab was never.

You're the meteorite that hit there.

In more ways than one, Christopher. In more ways than one.

Ah, you certainly hurt that. It hurt their dearth.

I think I probably ruined a bit of my brother's childhood as well, because I think he was kind of like quite happy being eight years old, and then I fucking come along and he's like, oh, fuck off.

Do you know what I mean? Like,

they often just feel you went from full attention,

full parental love, to much less. And you know, even in adults, you see it.

I know, even that thing of just like, can you, you know, like, cause they're older and they're actually capable, that's like, can you go and get the baby wipes? Can you go and get this? Can you?

And they're just like, oh, fuck, man, was so much easier. I didn't need to do anything.
They were always there. Whereas now, this little fucking sprog has come into my world and ruined it.

I think that's a thing. Definitely.
Yeah.

We were graced this morning by the presence of

Scottish entertainment icon Elaine Smith who's in the studio. Everyone in Scottish Entertainment is also related to Elaincy Smith in some other way.
So her.

And then it'd be interesting to find out what yours is, Susie. Right.
Because, in my experience, this rule holds true.

So, her husband briefly taught me modern studies, Bob, and her auntie, who was, I guess, in her 60s at the time, and around about 60, was it you name me? Really?

In Brighton, yeah.

Um, my

I'm trying to think. So, my non-showbiz experience is the fact that I lived quite close to her.
Like, I used to see her quite a lot.

Um, We probably stayed about a 10-minute walk away from each other, so I used to see her quite a lot, but obviously, I didn't know her, only knew her

from TV. And I grew up at a time where it was like naked video and it was all that.
And I think, was she in a kind of kick up the 80s? Did she have maybe little parts and that? I don't know.

Because it was kind of the same crew, wasn't it? Except we could train and then uh married all, of course, which was quite an iconic kind of Scottish maw, for a better word at that time.

But that's what we're just talking about there, where

she was saying that you know, you never get the gags when you're a woman, you never ever got the gags in these sitcoms. It was almost like you weren't allowed.
Women could just kind of be funny.

But I think what was interesting was that her and Barbara Rafferty, who played her kind of best pal, kind of made those parts their own and took the lines and could deliver them.

So that it was that Scottish mum, you know, with the tabard tabard on that you really wouldn't mess with, who was a bit exasperated.

But an eye-roll or an inflection would actually add to the joke, and that just maybe shows you how good a talent Elaine and Barbara Rafferty actually, you know, are and were.

But, um, I, an absolute Scottish legend, isn't she?

I

uh, when I was I went to high school with her daughter, who she was near below me, see, check out, yeah.

Also, here's a full circle for the Guillotine podcast.

Our young man who

challenged Christopher at the spelling bay. Oh, aye, aye,

he's

getting on great. Did my assassination attempt not work on him? No,

he's been up three times. I've tried it now, and he's still alive.

So I had got him, he really wants to go into theatre. And when I was doing the Kings one day, I'd got him to come a couple hours before the matinee.

And I'd asked the staff, and they showed him round, they showed him the flies and all that stuff because he loves the Kings. That's the theatre that he's always went to to see the Panto.

So, you know, if you're a theatre kid, that's amazing. And as we were walking around the back of the Kings, there's all the pictures of the Panto, and obviously, Elaine is everywhere.

And he went, Oh, I love Elaine C. Smith.
And I went, What?

He went, Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And

his mum, Emma, was explaining that

he came to see Panto once when he was about nine or ten, in fact, maybe even younger. Loved her character so much, went home on YouTube, so found all the Mary Doll stuff or two doors down, right?

So on and so forth. All the way back to like when Elaine was doing like a one-woman play on it, like a very, very young Elaine C.
Smith.

And he knew it was like, see the way kids can be about Taylor Swift or Beyonce. This is what he was like, but it was Elaine.
So I said to her, I said, Look, I've got this wee guy.

He's been casting a role in kinky boots at the uh at the king's. Gonna send him a wee message.
And she done a wee video, she done a wee video and sent it. And the wee guy was chuffed to bits.

Wow, that's great. Hyper-fixated, that's great.
But isn't that like, we go, she's so. I was like, Elaine, you're, I know you're gonna be like, shut up.

And I'm like, this wee guy knows everything about your career, but fantastic. That's his thing.

Do you know what I really chickened out asking her what do you know when you go into the kings i'd say the right hand dressing room is her dressing room you know so if you're going in there

there's always or there's always been every time i've played it a

poster for the panto with laying on it on that wall if you can picture that wall yeah and some kind of sigil necklace that's to ward off evil spirits

you don't know what this is no it's the turkish eye the turkish eye yeah it's the scene eye it's the eye who wards away the evil demons. Wait, there, is that like the eye of Horace?

It's not like the eye of Horace. Yeah, it's the...
If you go to Turkey, Marmoris,

you will see this everywhere.

Every residence. Well, in Turkey, I would be expecting it almost.

Because in Elaine, she's my dressing room. I'm like, what's this doing for years now? So is Elaine perhaps been pursued by a spirit? A Turkish demon.

A Turkish demon or Des Clark's shapeshifter exactly clarky who's next in line to be the panto dame do you know what i mean des he's more buttons than a dame but maybe as ages as agesh do you know what i mean he doesn't even like competition at the best of times

is that one of his chips

it kind of buffs up my story

um

or someone like Ricky Fulton or whatever from the beyond is like, do you know what? I'm here in hell now. I've fucking wanked off various

friends or whatever. I'm telebelieval.
And I've garnered a certain amount of power to myself. No, this is just the cosmology of here comes the guillotine, right? We all accept that.

We talk about people going to hell and attempting to rally their forces in the netherworld

and via sexual favours. That's just, it's nothing particular about Ricky Fulton.
It's something we say about pretty much everybody that dies. They're now working their way up the ranks of hell

sexually. Yeah.
You know?

And maybe it's that. maybe it's a sexually empowered fulton maybe as you say turkish demon maybe des

other candidates

uh i mean i suppose it's just theatres are one of the most definitely haunted places isn't there a number of people who have heart attacks at a pantomime because the humour is too rebald

or do you know who i saw in pantomime

who darius dinesh

and he's not with us anymore he's not with us anymore and he's going to command quite a price in hell

he's a handsome boy

obviously there's allegations about the who

how he messes up assassinated rangers yes

is what i was alluding to

without that rabbit hole listening

rangers football club over the rangers

um

it's a wild life it's a wild story it doesn't make any sense none of it makes any sense and you know what lane Smith warding off his unquiet ghost with a Turkish eye, it makes as much fucking sense as anything.

Yeah, yes. But the other candidate.
I don't drink that river water that was full of bacteria. It was to say the river sticks.
The river sticks, essentially.

We don't know that bacteria isn't tiny demons.

We just don't know. That's what I'm doing.
These are deep cuts. You'd have to be quite into the Danny's Dinesh story to follow what Christopher's talking about here.

But we're leaving that up to you because I'm going to throw forward another candidate. Go for it.
Perhaps Gredo. Would he be an occult practiser? I don't think that's even in doubt.
I don't know.

What is his catchphrase? You know,

it's yourself.

Is that what a haunted mirror would say to you? If you look at recollection, or it's like him trying to remember who he is when he's off on some occult fucking trip.

Trip where he's like psychically projecting. He has to go, it's yourself to go back into base body Gredo.
It's yourself. yourself.

But also, there's a lot of people. He could be a good dame.

I'm not a fucking talker in a job here, by the way.

She should be at the fucking dame for as long as that Turkish eye holds up against the occult forces that howl

beneath her. Ceaseless howling.

But Greyl could be a shapeshifter because he's a wrestler. He's a TV presenter.
Tell you what, he's a wrestler who doesn't look like a wrestler as well. Do you know what I mean?

So he's like, he can do all this stuff with his body that it doesn't even look like he should be able to do that.

That's fucking Shapeshifter 101. This is the grand tradition of the slightly chubby, heavy, though.
You know, your dusty roads or your Big Daddy that I believe Grato falls into the lineage of.

Outside the muscle men and the but they weren't he doing what he's doing, he's like fucking rolling about and jumping off ropes and stuff like that.

Big daddy wasn't he jumping off the fucking top rope, nah, right? He was big daddy was lean on it, he would lean on it, and then just kind of he was a one-skinned, do you know what I mean?

He was he was like us, he was like someone who couldn't transform. What was his name? Vivian? Yeah, Vivian something.
Vivian something.

What's so cool? Big Daddy. Big Daddy's name.
He was a big guy. Big Daddy.

He was a big guy.

He wasn't really an athlete. He just kind of was a big bloke.

They just kind of lay on the ropes.

A lot of

a sinister figure, I believe. Big Daddy.
Really? I don't think so. I don't think he could fuck anything.

Although fucking Cyril Smith. Oh, yeah.

Fuck. Cyril Smith.
Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.
Cyril Smith was this fucking lib damn liberal at the time, politician, who was so fat. He was like probably bigger than Big Daddy.
Aye.

He had a kind of cummerbund, didn't he? It was like it came from his groin. And he was sort of like a Yorkshire foghorn leg horn.
He was like,

I say, I'm full of Yorkshire wisdom. Like Fred Elliott.
He was like Fred Elliott. He was almost exactly like Fred Elliott Scott.
No,

no, no, no.

He was more bullish. And he was also like twice

fucking signed.

Right?

And the X-Men villain, the blob. The blob.
And he was

a massive beast

who

I think

will

be in the lower circles of hell. 100%.

I have two things to say. The first is that Big Daddy was called Shirley Crabtree.

Crabtree, there you go.

And

his wife was Eunice Crabtree. The second thing I have to say is I was speaking to another podcast who has been sponsored by Iron Brew.
What?

And yes, yes.

And

can we just put a clanging bell over this and like a clanging

funeral bell over this podcast?

For why?

Because you know, it's got to end really due to capitalism. It's just like

nobody wanted to sponsor it, nobody wants to advertise on it. I have this slightly whatever, this fucking upgraded version of Spotify, that means I get

like there's zero advertisements. Oh, I see, right, okay.
Um,

so I hear nothing on there, and it's like we can tell by our fees.

Like,

well, I have something to say about maybe why we haven't had the Iron Brew thing, right?

Well, this is my theory. They've told me Iron Brew

sponsored the podcast and said, listen, you can talk about anything. We don't have any issues with any subject matter under the sun.
You can talk about this, murders, and these things.

Just don't talk about pedos.

And I think they've said that because of us.

What are they hiding?

That is a very specific.

Not only have bars ruined the teeth

of children in Scotland, there may be something more sinister.

Maybe the way, do you know that way you can take a baby's tooth and you can put it in a glass of full-fat coke and it will erode?

Is maybe

they've been putting pedos in vats of iron brew and dissolving them. But maybe it's just, you know, if you're kill killing k kids with sugar, it's a diabeto.

Christopher's gutted, look at him. look we are currently losing any chance of that as sponsorship

I don't give a fuck man

he was just looking for free there's no amount of money they could give me that would make up the money I've given them

do you know what I mean they could pay me 10 grand a second and it wouldn't add up to the the the the the the time and and money that i've spent on their product it's true do you know what i mean true what's the the bottle that's got a year on it 99 90.

if we check the the consent laws for next home,

that might be the good old days. Yeah, that's what they think of.
Is the rambruis it's exactly the same if you taste it. And children were probably working in the factory then.

1901.

Google it. I don't want it on my Google.
Google it. What was it? What was it?

You don't want it in your algorithm? What was the age of consent in 1901? Oh, the thing is, I mean, you'd probably started working when you were, what, 10? Yeah.

I

did it and did it.

Oh, my God.

By 1880, which isn't too far away from 1901, the first date chosen, many Western nations had established an age of consent for the first time, typically of 12 or 13 years.

But then you were dead when you were like 32, weren't it? I think that makes it

started. I think you know what I mean? That's your defense.
Aye, that's

20 years.

I need to pump out 20 quick kids in the hope that

one of them lives. One of them lives, aye.
The more I hear about the 1800s, the more I go, fucking thank fuck I was dead.

Aye, bleak. Bleak times.
Bleak house. My dad was telling me the other day, his dad, I always forget this, was from a family of 12,

six

boys, and then six girls.

And his dad lived the longest.

he lived to 61 wow right but my da at one point when he was a kid said he was trying to establish what had happened to them all and what one died in an industrial accident one died such and such blah blah blah and loads of them came to scotland and died and all that stuff

and he said he said his da as they're out

weak and turf or whatever right

he said to him what about my uncle so-and-so he only lived to 28 or something he said his dad just looked around and went to him, no wonder.

And that was just life, you know, no wonder. So Jank, it was just bevy, fine.
No, no, no, no, no. Just like life was, you lived up the side of a fucking hill with no running water.

It's a shame. Just fucked.

Have you watched this again? This will be a good

episode title. No wonder.
No wonder.

Have I watched the House of Guinness? Watch the House of Guinness. That looks too shy.

I watched it. I watched it.
It was alright, but I found it quite interesting when it was like, right, on my way down to Cornet to stay in the fucking family castle, and it was the famine.

And it was showing you the kind of repercussions of the famine.

Then you had the Catholics working for the Guinness, the family, and then you had the ones who were just like, Let's fucking set fire to the cooperage, like to the cooperage, and just fuck the Guinness family.

It was interesting, it was good. It was

another example of the kneecapification of culture, yes, the house of Guinness, where the island exists, and that sometimes they make art. Yeah, that's the kneecapification.

The fucking guy from kneecap, the fucking guy was in like my

so my dad's cousin

goes to a fucking Kaylee night or whatever in Leo's pub in Minalec in Donegal, which is like Leo was fucking Clannad's Dan, Enya's Dan on that, so the medal

absolute fucking meddle of fucking awesome. Yeah, Enya's da used to have a country music night in his pub, Leo's.

He was Leo, and he would do the same songs all the time, and he would get people up from the audience, and they would sing their fucking party piece.

I love this, it's just like basically like any Irish funeral I've ever been in my entire life. It was still there, it's still there, but fucking the guy from Kneecap, whatever he's called,

that dude was

at a fucking Kayla night. See my phone.
Amazing. It's awesome.

What I mean by the kneecap because you culture, and I've had Irish people contact me to say that they agree with me against you, too.

Right.

Is this me say that they're right, you know? Guinness is having a boom because it's Irish. Do you know what I mean? So, like, you go to Guinness is collaborating right now with who is.

So, Guinness, another thing that existed and was popular before kneecap. But now it's covering

whatever else. Potatoes are popular.

Irishness is true. The kneecapification of Irish culture is a concept that exists out with kneecap.
Yes.

Okay, so what you mean is the popularity of Irish culture? Ireland is very popular just now because it's the good guy.

I think Ireland's always

popular. It's so basic that

it's almost not worth saying. It's just interesting because, like, these people are splitting the G,

you know, and Guinness is collaborating with Percival right now. It's like an English clothing brand because it's like a trendy thing.
It's the only way of being like, no, I'm a good person.

Well, here's the thing though. I'm not going to say my Irish brothers.
Here's the thing though. Is it meaningful, right?

Is it meaningful? No, I don't mean your idea, right? But the increased popularity of Irishness, does it come from... We've always grown up in a hugely anti-United Ireland atmosphere.

anti-Sinn Féin. Jerry Adams is a fucking terrorist.
But we did not wilt, Frankie. We did not wilt.
We did not believe them, right? But

that to me has softened now.

And fucking English people in particular, it's always been a debate here in Scotland, but English people in particular are now a bit like, ah, oh, okay, I get it.

And as the as the sheer weight of the campaign against essentially Irish unity has kind of dissipated slightly.

You know, it does gall me sometimes when you see English lefties going, Oh, great to see a left-winger elected as Irish president, and you know, let's go for United Ireland.

And you're like, You're against Scottish independence, yeah,

fucking riots, you know, because you think you might, and also because you think you might get like two seats, yeah, like for fuck all.

You're like, Let those people be a nuclear missile base so we could get

like one percent on our fucking national vote. Yeah, The thing is, as well, with Ireland, I think Ireland,

when it joined the EU,

just it's still very Irish in its culture and its heritage, and it hangs on to its history. But

it's pretty European in its outlook, whereas it's not stuck to this fucking island that we are trapped on. So,

I always think as well, historically, because of Irish culture and losing 25% of its population, and that population get into the world.

That Ireland's always been very popular, and also like around the world, people don't see Britain as Britain or the United Kingdom, they just class it all as fucking England.

So they look at this little country and then they look at this bigger country and they go, oh, come on, the wee guy. You know?

So, would you see points where Ireland became popular in history as the kneecapification, even before kneecap were born? So, John F. Kennedy.
I think it's a bit of your title for my

failure rolling this back. The The Kennedys were part of the kneecapification.

Johnny F. Kennedy was essentially the Mo Chatter of American politics.
That's what I'm saying.

I need to get that vinyl to you, by the way. I was the JFK.
I was flipping through my record collection the other day and I found the JFK speeches that I bought from Charity Shop for Susie for.

I'm delighted. There was a good

tune. Steinsky and the mass media, they were called in the 80s, like the very, very early days, like fucking carp and and all that stuff.

Did a thing from the news announcements of Kennedy's assassination. It was pretty cool.

The thing with the Kennedys was that was a direct, like America, the American-Irish and Ireland could literally, they just felt that the Kennedys were such a conjuit.

And to because they were quite glamorous as well, you know, like Jackie and I mean, John Kennedy compared to Nixon. I mean, John was quite a handsome boy, and then you've got Jackie, excuse me.

But that felt like a direct conju from Wexford to Washington for them.

And let's be honest, within a hundred years of them boarding a fucking boat and arriving in New York, they were at the top of a white Anglo-Saxon Protestant country. Do you know what I mean?

Do you know what I found out the other day, talking about wasps?

I found out the other day that Rupert Murdock's grandparents and his parents

were Scottish and they came from like the fucking Outer Hebrides. And the grandad or the dad,

no, it was a granddad, was a fucking wee free minister. And I'm like, wait a minute, he comes from a fucking Outer Hebridean Wii Free background.
Trumps

come from that. I think Scotland might be the fucking problem here.
The Klu Klux Klan. The Scottish.
Ku Klux Klan was Scottish, but I do think there is the Ulster Scots.

I think this is one of the most evil countries in the world. There's a good song.

Do you know, is this woman who's like a Scottish poet or something, but she does a song about what's Trump's maw called?

What was her family name? Drump.

No, that was da.

Amazing.

Did you just say Trump? No, Drump. All right.

That was the original name. MacLeod, right? Yes.
So they're from. So they're from the Isle of Lewis and Harris, that's Stornaby, because that name's synonymous up there.

Do you know what the family motto is of McLeod's? Women's done a song of it. It's pretty amazing.
Go for it. I burn, but I am not consumed.

Wow. Wow.
That's awesome. Absolutely.
That's wild. That fucking fire and brimstone in it.

There's a song about Trump, but it's really great. I also found this out that Rupert Murdoch didn't do page three in Australia because his mum was so small C conservative.
Yeah.

And he was like, nah, I can't burst with a grief for my ma. So he never done page three.

And I'm thinking, you look at Trump and you look at Murdoch, and it's almost like two people that are rebelling against that

fucking Presbyterianism. And I'm going, oh, fuck.
There is a touch of the Presbyterianism at Trump still in terms of,

you know, he doesn't drink, he doesn't do drugs, and he's very clean, clean living, you know. Oh, clean living, unless he's at a Jeffrey Epstein sex party.

He's also that thing of the American, so they're sort of Germans anyway.

American is a sort of type of German. But well, let's not get back into that.
The Germanification of American culture is

the Germanification.

Apple striddle. It's like a real version of the nicanification.

Apple striddle, apple pie. There's an old Adam Curtis documentary that's like a really old one, I think, where he talks about Rupert Murdock and he goes, Rupert Murdoch.
Rupert Murdock.

Rupert Murdoch. He sat attracted by an egalitarian.

So he was,

obviously he's completely evil, right?

I got in trouble one time. I did an interview with a fucking artist taxi driver and I was going, oh, Rupert Murdoch's like sort of in the middle of

a bunch of evil people who might run newspapers, which is true, right? There's actually worse people. Right.
And at the time, he wasn't a climate change now in which he became, right?

And people are like, that's terrible. How dare you say he's not the most evil person?

That's actually worse. Like, you know, much as he is evil.
But Adam Cutts's thing was

he's an egalitarian, so he's like, these celebrities and politicians and movie stars think they're above us.

But look, here's a picture of him wearing a beard belly. Here's a picture of her cellulite.
Here's that this politician actually owns a holiday home. They're fucking no better than us.

And that there was in

the genesis of it some kind of idea of egalitarianism that got lost. But to fully understand

Rupert Murdoch's egalitarianism, you have to go back to the Aztec Empire when Cortes marched upon its shores and used chocolate to buy a small boy.

The period of shape is.

There's something that I think crept into comedy as well. I remember doing that

case against the mirror, right?

And my lawyer was like the fucking best lawyer in the country so he represents like Prince Harry and all that stuff right the barrister and he was talking about some of his clients and he was going I've got a client at the moment and because the laws on paparazzi this guy just stalks him and this guy just basically breaks in his garden and stuff like that and him and his family are terrified and he said what's happened is

these people have become objectified, you know, and you think of them as no real people because they're famous and that's how you can treat them in this very dehumanizing way and i sort of thought yeah there was something in comedy at the time as well that was a bit like that i've gone well if you're going to be on the front of the fucking uh newspapers then i get to do a joke about you do you know what i mean you should suck it up and after that i really stopped doing celebrity stuff and went well it should just be politics because

to some extent people do get involved in celebrity and they don't they get kind of sucked in and it grows arms and legs.

And sometimes they find themselves in a position they didn't really intend to be in. I sometimes, as well, I think with celebrity

it's like a tap, isn't it? Once it's open,

you can't shut it off. Do you know what I mean? You can't just fucking go right, put a plug in that, and because it just doesn't work like that.
And I just think it's a bit I. I know what you mean.

It's a bit tough. It's tough.
It's tough. Like, you did get some grief for some terrible, terrible jokes and celebrities.

Rebecca Adlington, man. Oh, my God.

But it is just, yeah, I think that's just the world that we're living in, though.

It's also that thing, though, where, like, you don't do edits. So, you're not in charge of what goes in that thing.
Yeah.

So, you sit in a panel show when you're younger and go, this, that, and the other. And I've got absolutely no control over what they use.
Oh, right, they put that out.

Okay, I guess I'm going to defend it then because I'm part of the thing. You know.

But sometimes a lot of the stuff you say, not just me, but lots of stuff, loads of people said in the cards, was to kind of end the discussion of a bit that had got boring.

I remember the New World Order, and it was with the one when the Queen died, and we were on with Richard Osmond. That was two years, that was three years ago.

I was saying, was it Josie was on it as well? That one?

I was sat next to Richard.

He was the fucking tallest man on the planet, isn't he? What a lovely man, though. And

we. He could have been a wrestler.
Yeah. He could have been a very good wrestler.
Yeah, he could have been very good. Good angle.

And we were talking about the Queen and the BBC coverage of the Queen dine. And I remember saying to you, I could not have given less of a fuck, Frankie, right? And that get kept in.

And I was really surprised that it got kept in because it's the BBC. And then Richard made this good point going, I was really sad and blah, blah, blah.
But you know what?

I'll always defend her right. to say that she didn't care about it and that's the kind of way it is because you know the nation was quite divided about it And I was really shocked that that went out.

And then you never get another series after it. And I think that might have been the one.
Oh, no, I think that would have happened anyway. Do you think

it was on the wall?

But I feel like that, like, not Rebecca Handley and Joe, I didn't think I would go in. No, I don't know.
But then,

if it goes in, and you go, oh, well, that's the producer's fault. No, you can't.
You've said it. Yeah, take responsibility.

It's also that thing as well, though, where,

do you know what?

Sometimes you're just saying stuff for the room yeah you know what i mean you're just playing it for the room you're you kind of need to forget that there's cameras on you as a wise man once said um editing is not a spectator sport

oh

fucking yes

jesus

you had a wisdom to him that never came to fruition unfortunately as part of the brand you know there's an interesting thing frances mcdorman said where she said, you know, you kind of get too involved in yourself as an actor or whatever, because film isn't an actor's medium and it isn't a director's medium, it's an editor's medium.

Aye.

If I'm to deliver a line, and whether I pause or not before I deliver the line, and whether I pause or not in the middle of the line is in the hands of an editor, when they're in control of the medium,

yeah, yeah. I was watching an interview with

Guillermo Dirtoro, and he said that acting's all about the eyes. He meets actors and he just looks in their eyes and he goes, nah, or yes, it's all about the eyes.

And I think Guilermo del Toro would get a good kick out of Lancy Smith's dressing room at the King's if she saw that big eye looking down at him.

For fuck's sake. I regret not asking her now, but I think...
Also, if she didn't really know it would have been weird. If I'd gone, what about that Turkish fucking sigil?

But you have to create a magical secure space in your dressing room. If she hadn't known about it, I would have been.

But what if her eyes just flashed white and she spoke to you in ancient Turkish?

I'll tell you what, this is the weirdest time, but I've got a deja vu.

That's the Turkish demons trying to get in your brain in the night time and warn you about your upcoming encounters with the Scottish light entertainment industry.

Well, we're going for lunch, eh? Turkish? Get some Metsi.

I feel

as if Christopher's been leading us up to this. I feel as he's dropping in the word Turkish to put us in the mood.
Turkish.

I'm a huge fan of that. I've said it before.
I'm a huge fan of the Turkish soft drink.

The legendary Uludag Gazaz from the Uludag Mountains. I see it as part of the Ottoman emperification of Turkey.

Me too.

Hey, Bruce Randy here. Thank you for listening to another episode of Here Comes the Guillotine with Frankie Boyle, Susan McCabe, and Christopher MacArthur Boyd.

Make sure you check out Christopher and Susie on tour next year. They're heading out from March 2026.

Yeah, have a great time, and we'll speak to you next week. You can get all the episodes of Here Comes the Guillotine on Global Player right now.

Search for Global Player on your app store or go to globalplayer.com.

This is a Global Player Original Podcast.