Dry Ice, Disco Balls & Other Best Bits

Here Comes the Guillotine contains offensive language, mature content, and adult themes. It is not suitable for a younger audience.

I've went too far essentially. Do you think you'll come back? No.
No, I'm lost. What about your brew, your Ryan brew?

Shite. I can't really imagine you not.
Nah, I drink it, but you know, there's better stuff out there. I hear you, I hear you.

The Nigerian soft drink scene for me has been a huge

punch to the gut. Cultural awakening.

Yeah, I mean, I just there's a there's a shop around the corner that sells the cost like two pound fifty, but you can buy Nigerian Coke, Nigerian Sprite, and they are giving it.

They are not fucking about the sugar tax.

I was about to say, is it because there's more sugar? Right, this all makes sense now. Can I just tell you?

I got a Korean last night. I got a

bimbap. Babimbap.
Bibimbap. And I said to my daughter, I'm going to.
When I finished, I obviously went, I'm going to go and put this in the babimbag. Obviously, you've seen that.
You're a da.

Go see it.

I got a can of drink called a bonbon,

which was a grape, a Korean grape drink that contained actual whole grapes. Wow.

So

a grape comes through the little hole, a peeled grape, into your mouth. There was like half a dozen peeled grapes in there.
Was that a good experience? It was amazing. Yeah.

It was somewhere between a bubble tea and a kind of

massive glass of grapes. I've never had a bubble tea.
I've never had a bubble tea. It's quite unpleasant.
Right. I've known

it. Talking about like a bulba.
Top and boba. Yeah.

What is the lumps? It's not

oolong tea.

It's not tap. Is it tapioca? I believe the bubbles are tapioca.
Yes. It's as close as you can get to having something come in your mouth.

That's what it is. It's a facsimile.
It's the.

I remember.

I remember growing up, right?

And if I was staying at my grand and I would get a bath and stuff like that when I was a kid, she used to have V balls that you would put in the water and squeeze them, and that's what it reminds me of.

So it kind of no

one person's bubble bath is another person's cum. So a Japanese

lens through which we observe. Yes, Mr.
Mati, yes, well,

yeah, and his wife. Oh, he had a wife.
He had a wife.

So there you go.

Are you hungry?

Look at his free face. I wake up hungry.
I know. I wake up, my stomach screams.
Get a katsu.

Yesterday I went to Umami and I got a chicken katsu curry, a bowl of Edumame

and a big beer. I got a 500ml bottle of curran.
Sat and drank. Lovely.
And I walked home through the park. And I've never known peace like it.
Great.

Yesterday I drove up from Wrexham and I took my mum out. So Wrexham.
Wrexham Comedy Festival.

Wrexham is a comedy festival

it's in that room we were in oh what remember yeah yeah is it the henry or william aston hall something

that was where you we had a real awful interaction with the tech and then he had to be

uh he had to be disciplined

assassinated it was an awful interaction it was

um

and uh Andy, we might need to cut this out, we might not, I don't know. What do we think? He works there anymore, doesn't he? But wasn't he like

gay?

That wasn't the issue we had with him. No, but I think it sort of was.
I think it was that he put on some lights and dry ice that we hadn't asked for at the start of the show.

So it was a bit like fucking stars in their eyes or something. And he was a very camp, not listening, kind of a gay fella.
Just going, I know how to make this fabulous.

I think his sexuality was intrinsically involved.

You thought he was too gay to listen?

It's a new stereotype. I'm not familiar with it.
What a take. Gay people's ears are registered to a different pitch.

We weren't talking at his pitch.

If we had come in higher and told him to fucking knock it in the head. If you had jumped into a splits in the centre of the stage, you would understand.

It was an inappropriate disco ball, disco lights, dry ice start

political satire show. Yeah.

Sounds like my dining room.

Dry ice and disco balls. Has anyone been watching Married at First Sight?

No, no, because I'm not in that relationship anymore, so I don't have to do it. No, but has anybody been watching Celebrity Traitors? No.

Oh, fuck. Frankie, you need to do this.
Why wouldn't they be like, that's national treasures, not national fucking

toxic fucking payloads? Yes, get in there. And you're a national treasurer? No, get in there.
Honestly. That's the opposite of a treasure.
A trinket.

That's too nice. Yeah.
Honestly. What would happen if you were a pirate? Like buried radioactive waste.
You think you've found coins, but it's like some fucking

sludge. Sclowing green instead of gold.
And you flip open the overspelling treasure chest full of coins. I don't really watch

Sue Perkins and a fucking nervous breakdown due to your negativity. I'm fucking obsessed with it.
Alan Carr is a traitor. It's the best thing I've ever seen in my fucking life.
It's hilarious.

You're a car head. I am a car head, but he's hilarious.
Do you know what's really annoying me? All these people going, oh my god, Alan Carr is so funny. And I'm like, fucking get you.

I fucking love that man. It's because it's targeted at a middle-class audience, that program, whereas they would never watch Chatty Man.

they would never watch motherfucking other examples of his genius he um and then he's they're confronted with him in this kind of more middle-class friendly reality program and they're like oh he's he's actually quite funny

he um he's always been funny it's always been funny also jonathan ross i'm like how do people not know he's a fucking traitor man how do you not know but it's really good and um it's been great and i've i'm i every time i watch it i'm like i really want frankie to do this

You would be a good faithful, though,

and you would work out the traitors. You'd be good.
I'd be a good Married at First Sight guy as well. I've just got to pump some random for fucking six weeks.

Say it's going fine. Someone told me about In Married at First Sight

where someone married them and then three months later they went this experiment is not working out. Is that what someone went on? This sounds like one of my marriages.

At the altar. Yeah.

And then they go through this thing. So not actually married.
They've gone through a marriage ceremony. And they have to refer to it as my marriage and stuff like that.

And it's basically been

racist, essentially. So

there's one black woman on it.

And she gets partnered with this guy who's clearly

not there, right? So he's just kind of like a a bit basic and a bit weird and just he would never be with this woman in a million years, right? So she goes, I'll shag you, but you can't tell anyone.

They're having sex. On TV? No, no, it's not off.

She goes, keep it off, like off camera, but we can have a sexual relationship, but you better fucking keep your mouth shut, which I think is fair enough, right?

Many people would be happy to take that deal.

And she, meanwhile, goes into the group staff and says, Oh, it's no working out with this guy, I'm not attracted to him.

Which you cannot be attracted to someone and still fuck them if you're trapped in a fucking TV experiment for fucking six weeks. Spoken like a sound.

You think I'm done fucking mock your week?

So

he then. Every possible person you could have shagged by seeing that picture and going, Wow.

Dara.

Hadn't he?

She has put that out there and he's agreed to it. But then she's in the rooms going, oh, I'm not attracted to this guy, I'm not into it, blah, blah, blah.
And he then cracks and he goes,

oh, we are having sex. And then everyone else is like, you've been lying to the group.
And you're like, so fuck.

But they all go mental, and she's the only black woman there.

and they're all attacking her and it just looks like a big dinner party and it's all these people shouting at this woman, even the ones who would have seemed you would have thought they would be nice or at least go calm down.

And the only person that goes, well if you're not personally affected by this, you should stay out of it, is this kind of horrible investment banker, Cockney.

And so it's like it's something about liberalism to me where you go, I all these people that say, oh, I'm dead nice, I'm feminist, I'm anti-racist, I'm all this stuff

when it comes down to it. Do you know what I mean? And it's only this one guy who you would think would have pretty horrible politics.

He's like, actually, you shouldn't all be attacking this one person. I know, it's quite interesting.

It's literally a social experiment. But it's like,

I find that people go on these things, and then when someone behaves in a way, anyway, which is kind of try to win the game they're all playing, they're like, how dare you?

This should be about making friends or something. You're like, It's a fucking game show, essentially.
That happens in this one.

Someone goes, She's the top of it, and she's going, You know, that's the game's gun. Someone goes, It isn't a game, she's like, It is like she has to remind them while we're on a TV show.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It amazes me

how much people forget, and this has probably been the good thing about Caro and Traitors, is that he understands that it's still entertainment. Do you know what I mean?

There was, you might have seen it, you might have seen the social media clip from the first week where Tom Daly was trying to blame Kate Garraway because he was like, Yeah, I can't even remember what word she used, but see, it was fabulous, right?

And was like, Yeah, who even says a word like that?

And he totally gave her side-eye. And Alan Carchester went, You can't think somebody's a traitor because they've got a better vocabulary than me, right?

It was fucking genius, but you're just like fabulous.

I can't remember what the word was. I can't remember.
I can't remember, but it was something fucking ridiculous. And I was just like,

he understands that this has to be entertaining. He understands because Alan is entertaining.
And

he gets that this is light entertainment, like just fucking nonsense. Whereas there are people like I genuinely thought the actor Mark Bonnard was going to have a fucking nervous breakdown.

I like him. He's great.

Is he too Scottish for it? Is he too serious? There was an article in the Herald that was saying he should be discommunicated from or excommunicated from

Scotland. Why is this?

They were saying he was. Oh, fuck, was it Kevin McKenna? Because that cunt is forever moaning about people being excommunicated.

Kevin McKenna does, I swear to God, every week he's just fucking moaning, and it always comes back to trans issues, right?

What's up with Mark Bonner? I fucking like Mark Bonner. I think Mark Bonner's a good guy.

He's a great face.

Very

expressional. Like, very, like, from an acting perspective.
He was brilliant in Department Q.

He was good in Line of Duty. Did you ever see him in Line of Duty?

Fucking great.

Celebrity Traitors Mark Bonner was becoming a national embarrassment. No, he wasn't.
I don't think he was.

What's he saying? The fucking herald.

If you think I'm fucking paying for a paper, a subscription to the Herald, can find out why. Who's writing that? This is by someone called Accept.

Fuck's sake, these stupid fucking newspapers.

You need to subscribe to Reader. He was caught in a net or something.

Alison Rowett, Senior Politics and Features Raider. He's a fucking actor on a light entertainment show, but the Herald are getting

fuck off. Herald, your circulation is like 13,000 and half of that you give away free.
Your readership is retired P teachers. Wind your fucking reckon.
Yes!

They did give me five stars at the fringe, and for that, I will forgive them for their trespasses.

Could we find out? What's the deal with Mark Bonner?

Not paying for a subscription. You have to pay it.
Look up other

people.

And we'll find someone else who will have distilled the Herald's thoughts into

Bonner.

It's not what they said. No, no, no.
The celebrity traitors viewers saw actor Mark Bonner banished in a brutal first ever twist last week. I don't know what any of this means.

Right, so basically, what happened, him and another contestant, I can tell you. So I had missed the first two series of Traitors, and I've just got into this, and now I'm fucking obsessed with it.

So basically, they sit at a round table, they take a vote on who they think they discuss it, they take a vote on who they think the traitors are.

Everybody puts somebody's name on a slate.

This guy, David.

So, David and Mark were a tie, and then basically it was left in the hands of fate, right?

And Mark went out. Now, Mark was a pretty competitive guy, he fucking hated getting it wrong.
He was just your average Scottish da that just hated getting beat.

But he was a good, faithful, good team player, would put money in the prize pot, which has all gone to charity, all of that. And he was just very very Scottish.

Do you know, he's not got that mid-Atlantic accent, he's not got a posh ad, he's just a very genuine guy. But because

someone's giving up their time for charity and you're having a go, I remember, I forget who it was, but someone got a joke scandal, was it Manford or something for a joke at a charity show?

And I was like, fuck off.

If you've

who's who's at a charity fucking cancer benefit,

you know. Did you know Mark Bonner's dad was the artist responsible for the hippos at Glenroffice Roundabout? I did know this.
His dad was an artist for

the New Towns. Yeah,

well, for all the New Towns, poor guy.

I always went, why is there hippos at Glenroffice Roundabout when I'm, you know, when I used to get, I used to have a girlfriend in St Andrews and I can't drive, so I couldn't afford the train, so I'd get the X24 bus from Glasgow Buchanan Street out to St Andrews.

Yeah, that was the bus that went to Pitt and Weim in Anstrother.

I used to go there. That bus as a kid.
That mad big factory that's always on fire. It's like a big flame.
Glasgow School of Art.

And I would always go past my friends. But I would always go past the Cloner Office around the bar and I go, why is that fucking Hippos here? And now I know.

Mark Bonner's dad was the artist of

the New Towns. I think Mark Bonner would be a good laugh.

I think he'd be a good laugh in the pub. But if you're watching the football wheel and stuff.

You need two drinks in Bonner. Four in him and a couple of turns venomous.
No, a couple of gins under the bonnet. Bonner would be a right laugh.
Aye, aye, aye. And

I get the feeling he's a good guy. I get a feeling he's a very severe man.
I've not seen...

He just has one of those faces.

I've not seen the Traitors. I've not seen the Claudia Wincoming Traitors.
And yet... I'm okay

with the whole thing. Why Why is that? I've watched the Irish Traitors, of course.
You have, and who did it? Were they called the Soup Takers?

Because

kneecap came along.

Yeah, it should be the informer, shouldn't it? It should be the tots. I, the touts, get Freddy Scatter Peachy in there.

Just like, could you just go and tell Freddy if you're a faithful fucking that's an online rumor that fucking what is it? One in kneecap was Freddy Scappatici's illegitimate.

Where do we go?

Some forum.

What forum are you fucking reading that on?

Talking about that. Soldier F, not guilty, apparently.
Crazy stuff. Not crazy, not unexpected, is it really? The British state said no, no.

Wild.

Bye. Terrible.
A sad note to end. A fun, rough fun.

However, where are we going for lunch?

You know, I'm happy to mix it up. Fucking starving.
How long have we been here? An hour.

Blessed. Do you know what's happened, right? And I don't.

We need to fudge some of the details here. I went somewhere to get his coffee.

And traditionally... No, no, we can't.
People work out. People will work out.

Oh, yeah. No, we can't.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's.
I'm not. I mean, come on.
Do you want to go to Nippon?

I went to Non-Viet a couple of weeks ago up the top of Sucky Hill Street. It was lovely.
The Non-Viet Empire.

Did we have a Non-Viet with your son? Aye. Yeah.
I've went to two cafes the other night

and I had to leave as they tried to seat us on

high

stools like a fucking baby, like a fucking canary, actually, because they were so fucking small. One was a tackle place.

Tackle involves a certain amount of balance and coordination anyway without perching. What tackle place was this? The tackle place.

Rafa's? It's called the Tackle Place for Man.

I'm not familiar with this game. And then we went to a place in the bottom of Prince's Square, and the guy sees this, but Disney come over, you see this.
And I go, we should go now.

See if they don't come up. And it's totally empty.
And he goes, can only give you like stools. And I'm like,

do you know what i'll go a chair a chair isn't a lot to ask i don't think see when it's dead and they hit you with that pattern you're like can you just treat me like a human being please because i'm one

i'm not a figment i'm not i'm not a little clown what is it

so they have to walk one step less to take the order yeah it's about like well a group could come in how many people in your party Two. That's it.
That's it. They want to steal you up.

I fucking hate stools in the room. There was nobody in there.
There were 40 empty seats.

And I'm just like, you know, the minute he didn't come over when he saw you. I went to Rafael.
Food's going to be right.

And they have a little steal.

If anything, quite the reverse. If you're eating out in restaurants in your own, probably you've got the last physical shape when you let it perch.
There's a slouch to you.

I've got a routine in my new show, but sitting on a steel in restaurants. Oh, really? Yeah.

I don't like it. You've infected me with your own.
Did you put in my bit about the elf on the shelf? Yes. Nice.
It works. Nice.
It works.

So that's us comedians just helping each other out like a little bunch of fucking

elves. Do you know what I mean?

Like elves on shelves? Elves and the shoemaker. Elves and the shoemaker.
Have I said this before? Clearly, he was pissed.

He's coming home and he's making these fucking shoes and falling asleep. There's nothing fucking elves.

You're right. They're making these shoes for me and they're puking in them.

Wonderful little elves. Fucking elder.

This elf seems to have pissed my pants.

The elf elf in the shelf's pretty sinister, man. Was it uh anti-semitic?

No, what the shoemaker thing? You talking about it?

I don't know if you can hear a shrug.

Most of his clothes, they're always making shoes. What are you talking about? I think I'm getting the word shoes confused with the words.

Oh, fuck, right. Let's go for lunch.

hey how you doing producer andy here just want to say thank you to everyone who got in touch last week about the issues with the clanging funeral bell found it quite ironic that that was an episode that had issues on it ending abruptly after frankie um asked for some clanging funeral bells anyways it's a shorter episode this week, so I've stuck together a couple of the best of from the past couple of years.

Can't believe we're nearly at 100 episodes of Here Comes a Guillotine, not including the 40 to 50 mailbags we've done, but 100 main episodes. It's amazing.

Right, here's some best of guillotine from the past few years. Cheers, guys.
Have a good one. And if you ever see me at a random junior team anywhere across Scotland, come say hi.

I might buy you a bottle.

Because we've got the internet now, you know, it's radicalised people who wouldn't have been radicalised before.

And people like Billy Conley, who had a natural curiosity about the world, that was almost his selling point, right? Was like, I'm not like a normal Scottish person.

Very open-minded. Yeah, he was like, he wanted to travel the world, you know,

all that kind of things that introduced people to. Nowadays, he would have been exposed early on to conspiracy theory and might have gone another way, you know.
Down the rabbit hole.

I've just listened to his book, Rambling Man. Yeah.
And it was, it was good. I really enjoyed it.

But I think you're right because it was that kind of thing of even as a kid, you know, he was quite happy going out a walk and playing with a stick and investigate things and look at things and see the world in a way that the majority of us

don't see it like that because he was just a little bit different. But if he was born 20 years years later he'd be like building seven

fuck off

i don't think so

but yeah i think you're probably right i i've examined the smoke he was just the kind of hippie wasn't he was just the kind of hippie after hippies really i mean it's just a kind of hippie we used to he was that he was a certain type of thing

which is like a person who looks like a hippie and has some elements of hippieishness but will punch you. Aye.
Do you know what I mean? Which is a certain type. There's a certain

in Scotland.

Yeah. Like where you can go.
I mean, there's some pubs that you can go into in this city where it's very traditional. There'll be some trad music.

There'll be old guys at the bar that are kind of stinking of pish.

And then there'll be some kind of hipsters in the corner. And it is that notion if somebody went, I think the Beatles were pish, somebody would actually throw up glass of them.

What? Can't you say that about the Beatles? Like it's that kind of thing.

Sometimes I always feel that about Glasgow that there's always an element where you go, I mean at any given moment this could just go tits up.

Yeah, someone knocks over an ashtray and suddenly it's a fucking free-for-all.

I once worked in a gay bar, right?

It was an assistant manager and I remember this girl coming to ask me out and she was at the end of the bar and it was a Saturday night and the pub was heaving and she's like come in, come and meet me in this club and I was like nah.

And she's like come and meet me in this club and I was like nah. And she was at the end of the barn.
It was like the 90s, so you could still smoke in pubs.

And there was this, you know, the really big, thick, glass ashtray. And I was at one end of the barn, she was at the other.
And she literally picked up the ashtray and flung it at me and went,

come and meet me. And I was like, oh, well, now you've thrown an ashtray at me.
Nothing. I, why not? Because, you know, that's attractive.
I that's brain-damaged ape stuff, isn't it?

So, did you finish? She knows

before this? No, she just

no, she just kind of like we knew each other, and there was a kind of like we'd have chat and a bit of laugh, but I always thought she was a bit mental.

And then it turns out that instincts were right.

And this is why I'm telling you to stay away from the Nazis. You're gonna get an S-tray with us.
What's the current?

All I'm saying is they knew about the log burners,

it was deliberate. They were trying to

don't come from Israel.

It's a carcinogen.

But they look lovely. Can't they believe that? They look lovely in the corner of your living room though.
Don't they?

Brilliant, you know. Just a wee burn glow.

Just fantastic. It's like a log burner.

Lovely and brain-damage poo.

Quite the thing, you know.

He's from Dundee, but he's a Hibbs fan. It's just like, whatever.
Scott, Scottish stuff. It's sci-fi.

That counts as speculative fiction. You see.

Safer ground. We were talking about what football team I should support.

Do you just have any ideas other than Celtic?

As Space IRA fans.

Why not Celtic? Because you're a proddie. Well, there's a lot of people.

Many a proud prod who's played. Greatest ever manager.

Yeah, played. Greatest ever manager, son of an orange man.
Who's that? Joke Steven, Johnstein,

yeah. I've heard about him

from various people. Why don't you maybe start supporting the national team first? No,

everybody I know who does that is a very deeply boring person.

I just like the whole country. Fucking pick a side, you lose it.

I think everybody's great. Well, I don't.

I think everybody's shite.

So maybe like

Leicester or Leeds. People, I was saying that lunch just said people said I should support Leeds.
Then other people are like, don't do that because people who support Leeds are arseholes.

It's more like they're one of these sort of unapologetically evil sides

left, like you know, like Chelsea or something. Aye.
What's evil about them? They're just nasty.

It's just a vibe. It's just a vibe.
You just know, you can just feel the vibe. You know, there's a certain type of town where people are like, I never laugh, and that's a good thing.

Like Like Perth. Hull.
Well yeah. Leeds is one of those towns.
You think so? Yeah, no, it's Door, Yorkshire. Right, yeah.

And you know, you can have good gigs there. I mean, it's nice.
There are nice crowds to be had, but they're going there to flee the rest of the people.

Yeah.

I saw a guy die in Leeds once. Oh, what?

Yeah, when I I used to be in a a rock band and we went on tour and an old man fell out of a bus on his face and they tried to resuscitate him while I was eating pizza with my bandmates.

I just watched him die.

Anyway, what football team just?

This is going to be so different from other podcasts.

I don't know what to say to that.

For some reason, fell down a rabbit hole yesterday about the immortal soul.

You know, going up as a Catholic, you're like, you know, you've got to look after your immortal soul because you're born with original sin. Well, well, here's the thing, right?

It turns out it's a lot muddier than we were taught, right?

Because, like, the idea of the immortal soul isn't really in the Bible, except in one place, right?

So

we get told as Catholics, ah, you've got to look after your

precious immortal soul, blah, blah, blah.

And

the only person that actually makes a case for immortality is

Satan.

Satan in the Garden of Eden says to Eve, you know, eat this and you'll know everything and you'll never die and all that stuff.

And what did they say? Was that Satan? I thought that was a snake.

That snake was Satan? Did you not know that? I had no idea. I just thought that was like a snake.
You just thought it was a random snake? Yeah.

Just a normal snake.

I had no idea it was um Satan loves people like you

he prays on people like you yeah

when I was 15

I'm a 15 year old boy I was walking quite near my house in Port Shaws like there's a park bit

um

and a car

drives by pulls up so all these drunk women they go do you want a love bite in your ass

and i just kind of stand there and look at them right

And then they fucking shout some obscenities and then they drive off. And I'm a little bit shaken.
But I go home and I think,

did I miss an opportunity?

Maybe they did what I fucking love about Mars. And the next week, I went back there at the same time on the off-chance that this was what they did.

Life's so full of missed opportunities. Well, you look back and you go, I miss Red.

Please,

please buy my art.

Please soak my ass, create a vacuum, bruise the blood vessels in my ass cheek. Please, I'm begging.
What an intense experience that would have been.

How many of them was there? There was like five of them or something. I think you'd have been spit roasted, man.

I would have been all five. Yeah, 100%.
Climbing the walls. Listen, you were 15, you'd have lasted about 10 seconds.
Great.

Done.

You need to be careful, though, because at that age, that could leave a kind of most the opposite of trauma and also just regular trauma you know i mean it it would it would be a canon event do you know what i mean it would be a party top it would leave a mark on you and you'd be seeking an arsukin for the rest of your life quite literally leave a mark on me just a bitch raised

dueling scar

i also think that quan should maybe have been recruited

Yeah, to the IRA. Sounds like fucking natural.
He's ready to join Friends Kafka and and Else Madella in the ranks of the time IRA.

Hennessy enlists his nephew, Sean Morrison,

a former Royal Irish Regiment soldier and skilled tracker, to stop Quan. Hennessy learns that Morrison unintentionally leaked information during an affair with his wife Mary.

Bromley notifies Hennessy that they have found the bomber's identity and threatens to raid his farm unless the latter questions McGrath after they track him to his farmhouse.

Hennessy tortures McGrath into telling him where and who the terrorists are, which includes Maggie, whose real name is Sarah Mackay.

Hennessy learns that Mary masterminded the attacks because her brother was murdered by a UVF death squad and hates both the British and her husband for allowing his killers to be jailed.

What's Tracky Chan?

Jackie Chan's not been here for ages. This is just into

Irish politics.

Morrison eventually finds Quan's hideout, but Quan manages to subdue him.

After Morrison is released and returns to the farm, his uncle reprimands him for his actions and gives him one last task before he must return to New York City.

That's it. There's two more paragraphs.
I tell you what, if I was him, I'd be worried about returning to New York. You know how they feel about bombs and all that?

There's a kind of strong link there, though, isn't there, between New York and that eastern seaboard of North America.

Yeah, I mean, you read that Killan Thatcher book and he's over in Boston raising money. That's one of my favourite chapters of Killing Thatcher.
Is what all

these American guys are like, hey, I love the cats, you know, and they're all like,

it's really fun.

I'd love to have a film just of that chapter, and it's kind of get John Candy back for the dead, maybe like find

a tub that he spat in or something and clone him,

bring him back to life. We could do a few fundraisers.

Would you not love to clone John Candy and just have him back in films? And maybe he can meet his family again or something?

Um no, I think you'd be creating a scared homunculus with none of John Candy's memories, just a

vast body. What if he had the improv skills and a vast body, but terrified? But they come from your life experience, don't they? So

you can't you can he clone John Candy. That's such a good point, sorry, for bringing up the um necromancy.

Yeah, that's funny. Flaws of necromancy.

You're trying to become a kind of 80s comedy film necromancer.

Quan enters the bomber's London flat disguised as a gas man.

Very still gamish thing.

It's me, the bocus gas man, and it's fucking Jackie Chan.

It's a Viet Cong super soldier.

What this film should have been called is Jackie Chan, Black and Tan.

He has done the dirty work of fucking Cromwell's army.

Oh, nice.

Black and Chan, really?

Black and Tan, that's fucking tremendous.

Jackie Chan, Black and Tan.

Come out of the channel.

Jackie Chan. Come out, you, Jackie Chan.
Come on and fight me. Like, come on.

I don't have in my new flat a bedside table. I'm using uh.
That's a scunner. That's a scunner.
I'm just putting my stuff in the ground. I'm putting a lamp on the ground.

Oh my god, where are the condoms?

Bedside.

In my. Under my pillow?

Just wear one. I hold a sex fairy cup.

It's terrible. I love the idea of that.
Just a wee sex ferry visiting Christopher. I'm the fucking sex fairy.

Fuck.

Road my arsenal.

The Christmas Girl Boyd promise.

The guarantee.

I don't have a bedside table.

Do you have a coffee table? No, I don't have a TV. You're lucky you've got a girlfriend, man, because any girl you brought back to this flat would like

every warning sign you got off in your headside stranger. He's fucking Jeffrey Tom.
He's just got a 1970s style writing desk and vinyl cabinet. He doesn't have a T V.

He doesn't really have many towels yet. I forgot all about that.
Or he's married and this is some kind of fuck pad. Yeah, it does have that vibe, and unfortunately, that's not true.

Wow.

Um it's price having a fuck pad or you're just I don't know what playing jazz on your record player

it's not a fuck pad, it's a life pad. My whole life's in there, but I just don't have much grown.

Imagine that's the opening of your movie. You're sitting there on your

mattress. I have a bed.

Should have said that I have a bed frame. Oh, sorry.

Yeah. Oh, if I if there was no bed frame,

I'd be hanging for the rafters.

Straight up. You wouldn't be able to reach with anything.
Exactly.

Very high ceilings.

Hard to heat.

When you were talking about your rat last week, I had me thinking about when I had the mouse, Jerry, who's living with me for a while, woke up one day, teeth marks in my butter.

That sentence ended a lot better than I thought it was going to end.

Bump cheeks.

A mouse had been eaten mass.

No, in my bar, I found little tiny teeth marks. And then I would...
I was kind of nocturnal for a while. I was living kind of mouse hours.
And I would just hear him.

And sometimes he would come out and look at me while I was watching TV or playing Fallout 4 for the PlayStation 4. And I've kind of had to develop methods for dealing with him.

Tin foil, if you make a little tin foil wall, anywhere you don't want a mouse to go, they are really repulsed by the sound and feeling a tin foil.

So you sat in a circle of kit cat rappers

rather than just get a fucking like pest control guy. I had no, no, I didn't want a pest control guy.
I think it might have been. No, it wasn't during COVID, I was through.

Can I ask, how were you finding living on your own?

Pretty rough so far. Right.

But just to get back to the mouse, I developed a homemade

deterrence, I spray. I took an empty windeline bottle and I made my own.
I looked up guides on how to make your own mouse deterrent. And I had chili flakes, chili oil, cloves, garlic,

bleach.

She was seasoning a live mouse.

Yes.

It did start to sound like something you'd get in a delicatessen for a brought bleach in. Bleach came in.

It was, yeah, it was pretty intense, but then I accidentally maced myself with it because I was checking whether the spray worked. And

two sprays, none came out. Looked in my face.
Third spray. Finally built up the pressure and I maced myself with my homemade mouse deterrent.

And it really hurt.

So how's Living Alone going?

Hey, Bruce Randy here. Thank you for listening to another episode of Here Comes the Guillotine with Frankie Boyle, Susie McCabe, and Christopher MacArthur Boyd.

Make sure you check out Christopher and Susie on tour next year. They're heading out from March 2026.

Yeah, have a great time and we'll speak to you next week.

You can get all the episodes of Here Comes the Guillotine on Global Player right now.

Search for Global Player on your app store or go to globalplayer.com.

This is a Global Player Original Podcast.