The Wheel of Suffering

Here Comes the Guillotine contains offensive language, mature content, and adult themes.

It is not suitable for a younger audience.

This is a Global Player Original podcast.

Hello, and welcome to Here Comes the Guillotine.

I'm Frankie Boyle, and I'm going to be talking to Susie McCabe, Christopher MacArthur Boyd.

Welcome to Here Comes the Guillotine as we bash out some episodes.

Well, Wow, thank you so much.

Susie's away.

You're catching us here at

the end of a very long day.

The end of a very, very long day.

We like to.

I used to bank episodes for my other podcast and join an album.

And

the other comedian's wife was like, oh, you shouldn't say that you record two episodes in a day because the audience will be like, oh.

I thought they came out once a week.

Preserve the magic.

Preserve the magic.

But I feel like sometimes an audience appreciates.

I certainly appreciate a peek behind the curtain to go, oh, that's how they do it.

Fair enough.

I think also we keep talking about things that have just happened.

And they'll be like, the League Cup final?

What are they on about?

Yeah, that hasn't been a 3-3 result.

Nine years?

How long did they back this for?

We have to accept that there's a certain amount of recording going into this recording process, listeners.

Yeah, it's not a live broadcast as you click play on your Android

phone.

yeah you can roll those things up now have you seen that what's that you can roll a phone up and smoke it and smoke it hit someone over the head with it like a newspaper you can swap a fly with your thousand pounds rolled on newspaper

who was asking for that i wish i could roll my phone up do you know

I'm up late at night thinking about it.

My phone is almost exactly the size of my pocket.

Almost fits in it exactly like a holster.

If only I could roll it up.

I understand the clamshell one that started.

Oh, but bring it back the clamshell, you know, because my phone, I don't have a case for my phone.

I'm just not really a case type of guy.

I do have a case, I do have a wallet.

You can't just not be a case type of guy.

If you drop it, it'll break.

Literally, you dropped it today and it didn't break.

Yeah, but dropped it nine times this week, it's fine.

My dad, I don't do that.

I raw dog it.

I raw dog it

raw dogging your phone from raw dogging life with my phone

you're not supposed to do that no you're not good sexual health would say that you're not supposed to raw dog anything ever you know I had a line in the um to the Scotland documentary that was like um

uh

I've probably like at the end monologue going into the end monologue just like you know sometimes you're going into a monologue or something they don't really look at the jokes because it's just like a kind of well that's the end so yeah there's kind of like no drift and it's often a good space to sneak stuff in I said something about

I'll be interested to see how Scotland develops.

I don't care anyway because I'll be dead in 18 months.

Less if I can stop doing bareback but I don't think I can.

Which I thought was like.

You don't think you can stop doing bareback?

Yeah I thought that was really funny.

I really laughed when I wrote it.

And then

it made it all the way through and it was just there in the final edit and you're sitting watching it with them.

And like, they're like,

Someone just noticed it.

The last fucking thing.

Sorry, are you making your reference to pace?

There was just like a text like before it went out.

And they're like, We just noticed.

What was that bit about?

I just remember watching the is it the Scottish documentary down with the Savile bit where you're on like a bit of spare grounds along yeah, time travel and Jimmy Savo had time travelled

from

the massacre of Glencoe or to the massacre of Glencoe.

Jimmy Saville was kind of like Gilles De Ray, the French warlock

paedophile.

And he had, through occult means, travelled to the massacre of Glencoe so that he could watch the life die in the eyes of various young Highlanders, but at the same time he would transport them into a young boy on a roller coaster so that their final moments would be extremely confusing.

It's quite a convoluted monologue, but we've got it in there.

And then there's a break at the end of the shot.

Is it you that's laughing, or is it the camera guy that's laughing?

I think we were all just laughing.

It's just like,

but that's when it was really like, God, I can't believe I actually got that in there.

Yeah, no, I couldn't believe it when I was watching it.

I was like, this doesn't seem like something

should be allowed.

It was great.

See, when you've done Oban, not to do a kind of behind-the-scenes director's control of a documentary you put a while ago, but when you were filming the stand-up in Oban there was that the same place that we played

that's the only place yeah yeah that wedding venue yeah but I guess it was like a Tuesday or something like that they were less hammered than when we did it but it was still like

really tough one of the things you get with stand up is like um

because it's a trick it's like a magic trick almost right is people don't prestige really understand

you know,'cause you should get things like notes going, Could we get more stuff from Oban, you know, that's a bit banner bouncier?

And like, it was a Tuesday night in Oban, you've got the three fucking jokes that worked, yeah.

You know, um,

almost everything I've ever done, they would always go, Oh, yeah, we just want this to be different and get your take on it, blah blah blah.

And then, after it's all filmed, we're just wondering if you could go and do all the links in a comedy club, yeah, and you're like, Fucking comedy barely works in a comedy club, yeah.

Never mind me reading out a monologue about fucking uh Richard the Lionheart or something like that.

You just kind of like, well,

no.

Yeah.

Yeah, but

that happened every show.

And you just say, no, that would be bad.

And they go, okay.

Yeah, well, you just persuade them it would be really bad.

And then they've seen

how hard it is to do the kind of like tailored material.

Yeah.

Because you write some stuff if you put stand-up in those things that's kind of just for the

show, you know, that's more specifically about the themes and stuff like that.

And they're like, all right, so that's kind of tough to get away.

And it is for it's for everybody, you know.

Because, you know, you go and see stand-up, you go and see a club stand-up, they might have been doing that for like 20 years.

Yeah, Boban, man.

That was a night where a guy in the crowd heckled me so bad that we had to get him kicked out before you even came on.

He just kept trying

punch lens out for myself.

And I was like,

I'm really sorry, man, but it just doesn't work like it, you know.

He was completely ruining the gig, and the crowd were angry.

He got thrown out, which is a good combination.

Was there a gig in Lincoln?

And these guys, so I went on and I went, Oh, great to be in your some joke about your town or something like that.

And someone was like, It's a city, and got really annoyed because Lincoln's either a city or a town or a town or not a city or whatever.

No bother to find out, whatever the fuck it is, right?

But they were so wound up about this municipal nomenclature error that they were uncontainable.

And it was literally the first line in the show, right?

And I was like, Are you going to keep just screaming about whether this is a town or a city?

And they were just apoplectic with rage, right?

And I went, Okay, we're gonna have to almost never happens.

We're gonna have to stop the show and get you thrown out, and I'll be back in two minutes.

So I got off, they're getting thrown out.

But apparently, as they got thrown out, some Scottish guys saw them and went, Well, if they're going, I'm going.

What if the two biggest cunts in Earth are getting thrown out because they're screaming so loud you can't hear the show?

Then you're also going to like leave.

I am Spartacus.

Yeah.

I'm also a cunt.

Yeah, man.

It's wild.

Yeah, it's interesting.

Some of your gigs have people who actively don't like you, but they've paid for a ticket.

I think it's strange.

That's part of the thing of, like, I think people, it's particularly with, like...

They have an image of it, right?

So it's this offensive show or shocking show.

It's not actually shocking at all.

But they think of it as, and all these people are laughing together in a cabal and they they all love this kind of stuff and you're like no it's very contested yeah like

there's people there who have been dragged there clearly if you go to if you go to a 2000 seater like not if they're not a 2 000 people in fucking leads that like it right so there's like a thousand and they've brought their partner who's not impressed or whatever or some people from work or whatever but there's also people who seem to actively not like it who who come along.

You know?

As someone who's only really had only really done solo shows at the fringe before going on tour with you and not really, and you and Susie, Susie took me on tour as well.

But she had

a different dynamic, really, with her audience.

They were supportive.

They were supportive to an extent, yeah.

Most of them are really supportive.

In Nairn, we found some trouble from some drunk Henu, but other than that, it was really nice.

But yeah, man, it was really kind of

they don't understand the concept of being supportive.

So like that's something you have to say to support acts before they start working for you, even if they're just doing a few gigs.

Because if you've not had that before, and you go out, I remember doing Ray Bradshaw and saying this to him, and I introduced Ray with the most show-business:

here he is, Mr.

Ray Bradshaw, and there was no applause all the way to the microphone, just complete and utter silence at the stand at Glasgow.

Complete silence.

Yeah.

You know, and you'd think even Pavlovian said that they would kind of at least applaud.

Show it to the stands mailing list of members.

I've seen support acts go, come on, we need to do a bit better than that when they've not really got applauded onto the stage and them not still not applaud.

I mean, it's like,

fucking come on then.

That's kind of the attitude.

Yeah.

And it's wild.

Yeah.

But it means there's so much less that you can do because when they get behind you, it's like a fucking updraft.

It's like being a little bird on the winds, isn't it?

If you get the wind underneath you, all kinds of things and lips and swirls can happen.

But most of the time, I'm just plowing through a gale.

When I was in the stennel lane, I went out onto the bow of the deck when I went to the seagulls, and I was like, wait a minute, you guys are out here.

I didn't know they went that far out.

You couldn't see land, and these birds were just flying out there.

And I was like, Let me refer you to the name.

I know it's a seagull.

seagull yeah yeah but they're out there man they're out at the sea yeah yeah that's what they are fair play to them do you know that it's not the name it they're just gulls who happen to be at the sea depends where you are you know where else they're a sea gull yeah you could be anywhere as a gull well i used to live in partick it was a partick gull

yeah

But there was such a seagull problem.

I don't know how I stayed there because there was a Rangers fan who lived across the road and he would scream all night and he had a neck neck tattoo and his girlfriend's breasts would dangle from the window.

It was quite a Bukowski-esque period this year.

Yeah, it was.

It was very, it was a mix between Tennessee Williams and Chuck Bukowski.

And I was like, oh, it would have been horrible to be a neighbor to any of those characters.

You try to get to sleep to go work the next day.

Some alky postman is fucking drinking whiskey and screaming about

someone's hips.

Let's have a fucking street car named Desire the Neighbours issue.

You know, I just wish they would shut the fuck up.

Fucking Stella.

Who the fuck's Stella?

Shut the fuck up.

What's the Napoleonic Code?

I don't understand.

Shut up.

On the fucking night shift here, Brando.

Anyway,

I had loads and loads of gulls, but like Partex next to the river, it was next to the sea.

And they would just, because it was next to a school and the school children would throw away a lot of rubbish.

Pedo felt sea gulls.

pedophiles,

but schools throw away a lot of rubbish, so they would scream all night at these girls.

And it's like, go to the sea, this isn't where you're from.

Reincarnation, you'd imagine, well, certainly, paedophiles are getting bumped down the running order, aren't they?

I don't know.

Dalai Lama is the fucking head horn show, so

if you're a Buddhist, take call,

not to say anything about Buddhism, but

if the guy in charge, although the head of the Catholic Church is a bit fucking

but Dalai Lama is like reincarnated, he's an unkillable, paedophile like Highlander.

He's an immortal, he's uh, he's an infinite nonce,

immortal nonce.

That was the word, Daniel.

That was the word.

I did a joke about this in tour, and I used to be a bit,

you're dealing with an immortal nonce.

I had forgotten it, I was reaching for the

post for what the word it was.

How does Buddhism work again?

It's like you're reincarnated.

If you do well, you get slightly bumped up the chain a wee bit.

What's the hierarchy though?

You might get off the old wheel of suffering.

That's the main thing.

You want to stop yearning, stop wanting things, stop being attached to things.

Are animals on the wheel of suffering?

Are animals on the wheel of suffering?

Yeah.

Like a dung beetle, is he on the wheel of suffering?

That would be like

some nons from years ago.

Cool.

Savo, maybe?

He's shoveling shit.

No, he's in London Zoo.

How far down does it go?

Like, I don't know if Buddhists of olden times were aware of like microbes.

Do you know what I mean?

Can you get reincarnated on like a microscopic level as like a tug and

chi private Eye was maybe a paedophile

running up in a previous incarnation.

I was a paedophile, and now I'm Enchai Private Eye.

Antman was up to no good as well.

Yeah,

he was an LK.

He beat his wife.

That's Tony Stark.

He definitely beat his wife.

Hank Pym hit the wasp, I think, in the comics version.

I mean, later on, and it's in the ultimates branch of the universe, anyway,

he was always making people pedoes and rapists and stuff.

We can talk.

But we're not in charge of IPs.

For a reason?

Yeah.

For a very good reason.

Bendis ruined that for everybody.

Used to be a few

spoke nonsense, you could get a few IPs.

Whatever, there you go.

NGI Private Eye, Gretty, Grimm and Gritty Remake, where he's running.

Shrinking down, he's running into dead bodies and exploring them.

He'd CSI it for the inside out.

Oh, that's good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

What was that called?

We need a DNA sample, don't worry.

And he's got to get into the guy's nutsack by hiding in some women's.

Goes into his leaf's relic, it's a sleeping bag, and just wriggles up into his balls and goes, He came last night, these are empty.

It was a crime of passion.

Inch high private eye, you've done it again.

Inch high, you've committed several more serious crimes than the one we were investigating.

Catch me if you can.

Jumps down a stink.

Was Enchai Private Eye and Hong Kong Fuy part of the same universe?

I think they were Hanna-Barberi universe.

Hong Kong Fu, if you don't remember, was a mild-mannered janitor dog who thought he could do kung fu with his hung hung boog of kung fu.

It was off the back of like Bruce Lee films and stuff like that.

And black spoilation to an extent.

And yeah, was he black?

Well, he talked in a kind of black way.

He did jive talk.

He had a jive talk to him.

And Rosemary the telephonist.

You don't remember the start of it?

It would be like, who is Hong Kong Fuye?

Is it Sarge?

Is it Rosemary the telephonist?

Is it Henry, the mild manner janitor?

And he had his like Hong Kong kind of kung fu mobile.

Yeah.

He hit a gong and his like magic car.

It was a bit on the line, it was on the lines of the hair bear bunch, which was black exploitation, really.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There were a bunch of partying bears that a zookeeper wanted to start them partying for some reason.

They're always trying to get out and party.

As if that wouldn't be the greatest attraction on earth.

Every other zoo on the planet has normal bears.

You've got the only reefer smoking party bears in the world in the 60s and 70s.

And you think nobody just

have some kind of marketing.

I think they want to get out of there and like fuck.

And they the um that is true of all animals.

The zookeeper was like a kind of cock blocker.

Yeah, he was scared he was gonna get cocked.

Fuck getting cucked by these bears.

Stay away from my wife, hair bear bunch.

Getting banged by the fucking hairbear bunch.

That one that used to suck.

He'd fry this brain with acid, I think.

He was an acid cashier, scat talking

jazz, jazz bear.

You ever see one of those sun bears and they've got the horrible-shaped bodies, and

it looks like a guy's in a costume.

These horrible,

yeah, yeah, I love them.

Yeah, I liked Uncle Fuku.

It's a long day.

We get to the Hunkofu.

It was really his cat solving this stuff as well.

What?

It was his cat that was solving this stuff.

Who wasn't anthropomorphized at all?

It was just a cat.

His dog was a guy who was kind of

like a Kung Fu guy.

The dog had a cat.

That was his cat.

I thought it was the janitor's cat.

Yeah, he is the janitor of Hong Kong Fu.

He's fucking pulled the wool over your eyes.

What?

I need to watch this again.

Henry, the message.

Have you seen The Substance yet?

No.

Well, spoiler alert for anybody who hasn't seen the the new horror film The Substance.

It's about uh Demi Moore is an aging starlet who takes a strange miracle drug where part of her DNA is like mixed with a thing that kind of revitalizes it.

The first shot of the film is like an egg and

then someone takes a

injects the egg and it it kind of multiplies so it it creates a new younger version of you and you need to kind of um it's an unstable younger version of yourself and you have to kind of share your life with this thing but if you stay in the young body too long things go wrong needless to say things go wrong um

what was that talking about there oh yeah but it's not some people watch it and they go wait is that the same person are they sharing that it's because they share a consciousness and you kind of go to sleep and stuff and people are like oh i thought it was a new person and then at the end when they kind of fuse they're like i didn't understand it why would that be an issue i'm i'm pretty frustrating like that, I have to say.

I watched Andor with Thor, and

there's a character who you see when he's young and when he's older.

So he's the main character in it.

And part of it is a flashback to him being a kid.

Is it Andor?

Isn't Andor the planet?

And

Andor.

No, Andor's a guy?

No, Andor's the planet.

Let's not all go scorille here again.

I thought it was Andor Calrissians, the guy's name or something, and he's like the spy.

Let's look it up.

Okay.

Oh, he's Cassian Andor.

Yeah, Cassian Andor.

Andor, the guy.

I didn't realize it was a flashback to him as a kid, even though

he had the same red robot.

That's cool they shared a robot.

That boy has got a robot.

He's got a red robot.

Yeah.

And they're both very similar.

It's been stated before, but the thing about Star Wars of

R2D2 and C3PO hanging out with Darth Vader in the future, but then having been built by Darth Vader in the past and he doesn't recognise him, you're like...

I mean,

more importantly, the C3PO being the only person who can understand what R2D2 says and fucking Hansel being the only person that can understand what Chewbacca says is the same fucking joke in the same fucking movie.

Yeah,

that's a good joke.

Can you stop it?

You can't say jokes like that in a public-facing job.

They don't control the media, Chewy.

It's the Second World War.

It was all historically accounted for.

There's no room for debate.

Oh, hey.

What are you doing this week?

This week, I'm doing very little, Christopher.

I'm doing a bit of shopping.

I'm going to see my children.

Oh, yeah, so it kind of dates this.

Yes,

it does date it, doesn't it?

We're getting Valentine's presents.

The year 2020.

I might go to the Burrow Collection.

I'm doing Tai Chi in the Burrow Collection these days.

In the morning.

The House of an Art Lover.

I've seen this.

No, in a totally different place called the Burrow Collection.

Are they not the same?

Are they not in the south side?

I don't know where the House of an Art Lover is, but it's a different thing in in a different place.

I don't know if it is.

It is.

Bellhouston Park?

Yeah, a different park.

So Pollock Park that contains

the burrow collection is where this burrow collection is going to be happening.

And in a different place...

Who knows what's happening?

Some of Art Lover is a different building in a different park.

I guess that's why the two names.

This is like Andor.

So we built Andor.

Space IRA.

But I worry that I'll go there and I do Tai Chi among the artefacts, I think.

And A, do I want to be standing on one leg beside some Ming Dynasty stuff?

And B, I think it might be very old people.

You don't want to do Tai Chi with old people?

Not that I don't want it, it's just it might be

eerie.

Yeah.

And it might be.

Smelly?

No, I don't think so.

Old people's bodies break down and the acid does.

I think my smell will cover it.

I think so.

My musky musky scent.

You're not a smelly guy.

Well,

people disagreed.

I don't know if this is a profitable line for discussion

on an audio medium.

Click the Smell-o-Vision.

If you pay Global five quid a month on the Global Player, you can activate Smell-ovision where you phone five.

Or simply take a pickled onion from a jar.

And, you know, I just think it's also an admission of, hey, I'm now an old guy doing Tai Chi with old people.

Fuck, what happened?

It's like when you're doing stand-up and you go from being the the best open spot to the worst professional comedian, you pretty quickly realize you're not the worst.

Yeah, there's many people who have mortgages paid for by stand-up that are ranked rotten at it.

Um, but it's yeah, that you you go from being the oldest young person to the youngest old person at a certain point, don't you?

Um

Burrow Collection, how did he get all that stuff?

Old Burrell

was probably not anything great.

You know,

the public estate was John Sterling Maxwell, who was

a kind of grandee in Scotland.

He came up with the Forestry Commission.

He owned a huge, huge bit of land, and most of it went to the city as this park.

Oh, that's nice.

It'd be nice if that happened.

He was a great guy.

Yeah.

If you were a Protestant.

I think.

Yeah.

Not so keen on the old Catholics.

Not a big fan of the

Catholicos.

Wasn't dancing to a lot of fiddle tunes.

Old John Maxwell.

Didn't like the taste of Guinness.

The sounds of beads rattling was entirely absent from his life.

So I might go there.

Yeah.

Or just go there for a wonder.

They have a cafe with a very ineffective ordering system.

But I quite enjoyed it.

What is it with the lack of quality in Scottish museum cafes compared to England?

What it is is our jaded

palates.

Do you know what I mean?

It's the fact that we, most people, they go to, say, a museum cafe

maybe once every four years and they go, that was nice,

took a while, but you know,

whereas you know, we're every day in some new place frustrated by perceived imperfections in the scone delivery systems that they've set up.

Yeah, maybe that's it, yeah.

You see that thing, the

whatever, the fucking right-wing free speech mob tried to set up some culture war stuff about the National Trust having woke scones?

What was that?

The thing they were making or something?

Gluten Free or something like that.

I mean, you're like, fuck, it's desperate at that stage, isn't it?

Yeah.

Do you just realise how thoroughly beaten, if you want to call it wokeism,

any sense of kind of public decency has been that the slightest

the slightest kind of bit of like consideration for others you know

creates this absolute fucking sense of horror and outrage yeah somebody some Tory guy couldn't believe that a cafe was selling a

a blondie

you know right and he was like what even is a blondie and someone was like oh it's like a brownie that doesn't have chocolate in it it's like a vanilla brownie and he went oh you could tell the idea that sounded absolutely delicious to him.

It's very hard to have a war against cakes because,

obviously, I'm speaking as someone who's a bit of a foodophile, but,

you know, if somebody tried to make me angry about a lemon drizzle cake, I would struggle.

Because I would immediately think about all the great lemon drizzle cake experiences in my life.

Didn't I sit and brainstorm in these right-wing think tanks and go, what do people hate?

What can we get them annoyed about?

you know gluten a lack of gluten

uh yeah i seen uh i think i wanted to talk about bellyhouston park because i was looking at a poster in the subway which is where a lot of our ideas historically came from says a lot about our preparation for this show we're on the 12 minute journey here and

We're waiting on a train that comes every five minutes.

If they put posters on the stairs in this building, we'd be talking about that.

If the left had a song, we'd be humming it the entire

year.

I should say there is an animatronic little drummer boy in the lobby of this office who record this.

Stane is welcome.

Whatever months we're broadcasting this in.

He's really been here too long.

He's quite tall.

He's taller than Christopher.

Yeah.

and he plays

often quite loudly a variety of Christmas classics.

Chip tune.

But you don't know.

I'm quite old, so I can't really hear it that well.

I also kind of voluntarily block up my ears with air most of the time.

What do you mean?

I can like sniff hard and it just blocks my ears.

Like a seal?

Yeah.

Seals do that.

Yeah.

That's how they get to the bottom of

the ocean.

Well, my friend, I've never tried to go to the bottom of the ocean.

I've seen you do that one time.

Yeah.

When we were in the sound of mull.

You were in.

That was great.

That was one of the

best and worse.

Not to completely bookend this episode with

Memories of Open.

Memories of Oban, the new podcast on Global Player with Christmas Carter Boyd and Frankie Boyle.

If Oban was a if that audience in Oban was a person, you would have tried to get them sectioned.

I would have strangled them.

I would have reached towards them.

They were so drunk and unhappy and morose.

10% of them were absolutely unbearable.

But even the laugh was sort of like

they were too drunk to play the role, which is audience member.

So much are going to see stuff as

you see it at like punk shows and metal shows.

Like the audience member role is a very specific thing that you need to do.

You have to, if a heavy metal metal band's playing, these people don't really want to mosh.

You know, you see a mosh pit, Slipknot was playing the Hydron Monday, and there would have been people with like bad backs and sore knees, and they'll go, oh, this is the bit where we all jump and run about and push each other and elbow each other for fun.

They don't really want to do that, but you're at the show and you want to be a part of it, and you want to feel like you're a part of something.

It's such a

some people, and that's what Heckler is: somebody who's like, I don't want to do that, I don't want to play along with this.

But they also think that they're playing a role sometimes with stand-up.

I think they go, well, I'll be the heckler then.

They've invented a role.

Yeah.

But you're like, well, you can't go along to Hamlet and go, yeah, another letter has arrived.

Like,

hasn't he?

Letters are shite.

Ah.

Yeah.

Why is he holding our skull?

Fuck up.

Oh, that's pure York.

But anyway, yeah, we went swimming in the sounding mall, and it was a revitalising experience.

I'd like to go wild swimming a wee bit more.

you didn't look like you'd like to go more.

You screamed.

I was screaming a lot at the time, yeah.

It was cool.

It was very cold.

You were in your pants.

I was in my pants.

You screamed.

You doggy paddled.

Those marine biologists said that it was the coldest it was the entire year, and I thought they were kind of kidding on.

But I looked it up, and

yeah, the beginning of summer for some reason.

The water is colder than it is in winter.

It's colder then than it would be now for somehow.

Yeah,

it certainly was cold.

Yeah, it was really cold.

I'm glad we did it though.

It was like we were washing that audience off our skin.

Well like I said, I get heckled by that guy and he got he got chucked out before you and he did square up not square he I've people get me in trouble for saying that people or I've been squaring up to people.

He went towards me and he made a gesture of I'm not happy about this

like that.

Like what, you know.

And then I thought for the whole we were in I knew we were going to be in Oban for like three or four days, perusing the waters and

um

the restaurants have open and that weird coliseum and we saw Planet of the Apes five

um

when they only had one type of ice cream left and wasn't it like bubblegum or something apple sorry apples apple ice cream bubblegum or something like that

sorry we've only got apple ice cream left nobody's ever said that even in like a fucking apple themed orchard

roller coaster except

even in a fictional non-existent apple themed theme park it's like nobody would have apple ice cream maybe in a poem by lewis carroll maybe

in one of his more deranged moments he would conceive of an apple gelato even we

didn't get any apple ice cream in hindsight i wish i did it sounds lovely

Didn't look too lovely.

No, it was what was left over.

The Phoenix.

And I would like to have seen that place got in flames.

That was that was the right thing to call it, the Phoenix cinema.

It was that guy was eating.

I found a note, because when I started doing this letterbox thing, and you can keep notes.

And I had done it at the time I was reviewing the experience as opposed to the film.

And I remember there was a guy behind us who had a multi-pack of crisps.

Multi-pack?

Yeah, he had like five Monster Munch packets inside another big packet.

And obviously the sound was compounded.

What is wrong with Folkman?

There was a guy sat across from me last week in Night Bitch, a very poor Amy Adams vehicle.

Oh, she's like a mum who goes running with dogs at night.

Is that like a dream sequence?

No, she's a mum who becomes a dog, right?

But

yeah, it is a dream sequence to some extent, and I guess she's not really becoming a dog, and it's a kind of metaphor for

ambiguously, but there are various scenes where she develops eight teeth or a tail comes out of it.

And there's this old guy about sixty sitting across me.

There's only about five people in the whole cinema, and he's got four different containers of food.

And he's just shoveling a like a family bag of what sits into his fucking head as she pulls a fucking tail out of a cyst.

And you're like, what kind of fucking Cronenberg body horror would have to be happening for you to just not even stop eating, but just pause?

yeah you're eating for any length of time he's had sort of humus

and some kind of like fucking crackers and he just like found the noisiest smelliest smelliest like least combinable foods as well you're just like you don't want all these mad textures and flavours

while you're watching this disgusting disgusting deliberately disgusting and not very good movie on your own and it's aimed at mothers I went to see a Humphrey Bogart film at the GFT recently

in a lonely place.

Have you ever seen that?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

And the novel is fantastic.

The novel is completely different.

Alright, well,

the novel is just about a guy who's a serial killer.

who's feeling the net closing in, but it's all done in like the close-third person.

And he's like, it's just really brilliant.

They totally change the thing for the film.

Yeah, in the film, it's a screenwriter

who everybody thinks is an arsehole.

Then he brings a girl home

to explain a novel he doesn't want to adapt.

And

she walks away.

Her jealous boyfriend,

spoiler alert, kills her on the way home.

But nobody knows who's done it.

And everybody assumes it's him.

And people

assume it's him so much, it annoys him so much that he does genuinely become like a violent

kill someone at the end of it.

He's about to kill the girl.

And it's like,

it was good.

It was funny and stuff.

I was

good.

But I was seeing that, and it was a guy three rows behind me, and

he was eating popcorn.

And you can't really get angry at people for eating popcorn in the cinema, but I manage.

It's not suitable.

It's crunchy.

It's loud.

It's

what do you think is like...

Maybe we are just sensitive to noises.

We have mesophonia, I believe, which is a fear of small, delicious Japanese soups.

But

what time was it?

What time was it?

I'll say it was 7 p.m.

Who at 7 p.m.

is basically having their dinner of popcorn at a Humphrey Bogart film?

Also, they're usually with someone, so someone beside you

is just getting two hours of chewing, you chewing.

How's that fucking date gonna go?

I wanted to kill him, you know.

I wanted to kill him, But you're not allowed.

You're not allowed.

I'm trying to invent.

I think popcorn chicken.

This is my idea.

Popcorn chicken should become the new cinema thing because it doesn't smell that bad.

I don't think it doesn't smell that strong, I don't think, because maybe it does, and I don't smell like so-like chicken.

But maybe it doesn't, it's not allowed, you know, it's soft fried chicken.

I think we should reinvent fried chicken.

Partly, it's the

containers.

So everything should be served in a stone or porcelain kind of bowl or bucket.

You should be given a pestle and mortar.

And you ground your own.

No, no, we don't want those noises.

We want a round

kind of heavy stone thing.

So they've got to think about if they want it and if they're not as well, because it's quite heavy and you don't want to really carry it into the cinema.

And you carry that in, and it has a kind of paste in it

that you can suck with a straw.

No, no, no, because I was sitting next to a guy at the Adventures.

Noisy with his straw.

He sucked up.

I'm trying to think of how I could recreate this noise.

ASMR style for the listener.

He drank his entire juice, then he kept...

And then he started like fucking his drink with the straw, like through the weed, you know, the little anus that a drink slid has.

He started violently penetrating that back and forth.

And I put my hand on his table and I leaned over and went come on man

which hanks the jeditalist you can do it and he went sorry I didn't realise some guys have a thing of

not

being sensitive to touching other people to being pressing against other people and they've like crossed their legs and put their leg on my knee or something like that and I've always gone don't touch me which I think is like a really clear

yeah a really clear message

you're touching someone in a public place stop doing it yeah um and it always works but there are definitely dudes out there who are just so self-absorbed that

you're just not there yeah

you're just not there

that was another week of here comes the guilty

you don't exist you are a hologram person and you're not even a hologram the universe is a hologram you're not even a person

Not even a hologram person.

It's just sort of doing.

Was he alright, Leonard?

He's fine.

Is he like

a

regular friend of the podcast?

Leonard Suskind, the head of maths at Stanford University, says the world, not the world, the universe,

is a hologram projected from an infinite distance.

Basically, look at black holes, Christopher.

Apparently, it doesn't add up the amount of information that's on the front of a black hole, so it's like it's just been pasted on.

Why would that be?

Well,

because

we're all just essentially pixels.

It feels like that sometimes.

We all have those days, don't we?

When it feels like Leonard, let's go for a pine.

I'll buy you a beer, kid.

If one existed,

let's drink the hologram over Heineken.

I'll buy you a beer.

Hey, how are you doing?

Prudu Sandy here.

Thank you for listening to another episode of Here Comes the Guillotine with Frankie Boyle, Susie McCabe, and Christopher MacArthur Boyd.

Susie and Christopher are playing Edinburgh Fringe this summer, so if you want to head along, head to their socials for more information.

You can get all the episodes of Here Comes the Guillotine on Global Player right now.

Search for Global Player on your app store or go to globalplayer.com.

This is a Global Player Original Podcast.