Frankie & Christopher’s Diorama

Here Comes the Guillotine contains offensive language, mature content, and adult themes.

It is not suitable for a younger audience.

This is a Global Player Original Podcast.

How are you doing?

This is producer Andy, and you're listening to a brand new episode of Here Comes the Guillotine.

Susie McCabe is currently off, so we'll have the sultry tones of Frankie Boyle and Christopher MacArthur Boyd.

Thank you for listening to Here Comes the Guillotine, and I hope you enjoy this episode.

I was waiting for you to QMEN.

One, two, one, two, three.

Welcome to Here Comes the Mailbag.

Oh, that's nice.

Croon.

Cooked by crooners.

That's kind of like, I really liked it, the live show when we had the mailbag up, and it was like it said submit to the mailbag, but it sounded like it was a kind of dark demon.

It was like, submit to the mailbag.

But you could also submit to the mailbag.

In the manner of who's the guy in Skyrim

and the Elder Scroll series, like a dark prince.

He's called like Molag Bal.

And he's like,

submit to me.

And you get his mace and you kill a priest with it.

And it puts it's like a soul capturing mace.

Great.

Shout out to Molag Battle if you're listening.

I used to read these books with my kid, my daughter, who was quite into YA young adult fantasy.

And one of them, I forget the name of it, but it was fucking great.

It was like

a Sauron type figure, right?

A kinda the Dark Lord.

It may be called The Dark Lord or something this book, but it's a series of books.

And basically, he's fucking one.

And it's now like a millennium later.

Yeah.

And like, people are just

like it rains ash.

People are just trying to scrape the fucking ash off their fields so they can try and grow some withered crops.

And it's just a complete autocracy.

And it's like, what would that be far down the line?

There was also a version of this in comics which was called

Empire.

It's great.

and it was like the

super villain had won and he'd established a kind of empire.

And it was he had loads of admin in his life, so he's you know, in some meeting going,

and then he would just kind of like teleport and go and fucking blast someone's face off in a barricade somewhere, and then pop back into the meeting.

Yeah, great.

It's kind of what it's like to be alive in Britain in 2020.

2025.

You're just like, Yeah, the Empire won, and now it's slowly collapsing.

And

let's say I listen to it.

I'll read our mailbag out and stop talking about the slow death.

It does feel like, yeah,

the evil empire.

Hi there.

I have been enjoying the podcast.

But as a result of listening to it before going to sleep.

There's always a butt with that.

I've enjoyed the podcast.

But.

As a result of listening to it before going to sleep and my suspectable brain, I now dream about you all on a fairly regular basis.

Interesting.

Sadly these haven't been fantastical whimsy-esque dreams but fairly mundane for a dream where my brain could have been more imaginative.

We're all in a cafe pub and the conversation continues in a not dissimilar vein to the podcast etc.

All fairly tame until the other night when Dream Susie asks me Shag Marry Kill about the three of you.

This is a theme.

I had a Shag Marry Kill type question for the live show there.

Q dream panic, panic, not being able to answer, and waking up in a cold sweat, still thinking about this and how to reply.

Apart from Frankie potentially offering him up as the sacrificial kill, how do I finally answer this question and get a good night's sleep once more?

For context, I'm otherwise sane, sensible, female, early 40s, glass.

Cheers.

Is this mind control?

I think you can kill someone by shagging them.

Yeah.

Certainly my age.

Yeah.

You know?

There's a good chance that's two birds with one stone.

That person could be married to you, and then you're all three.

One person could take the brunt.

Susie would be good to be married to.

And a lot of

handicraft skills are useful around the house.

I've always been attracted to and attract

practical women with a lot of because you're a project.

I'm a project.

Well, to an extent, yeah.

They need to knock through quite a bit here.

And they need to extend, but

break them down, build them back up.

Yeah.

So, yeah, I mean,

I don't know how to drive, but most of my girlfriends have known how to drive, if you know what I'm saying.

Like,

I mean, that extremely

un euphemistically.

It's a very literal thing.

But, yeah, I don't know if I'd be the I don't know if I'm marriage marriage material.

Certainly good company

sometimes, but

good company sometimes.

Mr.

McCarthy Boyd story.

But yeah, fuck my Shagmari kill.

I think she's just hinting to us.

Do you know what I mean?

That she wants to be killed.

Or she wants to kill us.

She wants a ride.

That's right.

She's like, I'm early for you.

You're like, where did that come from?

Do you know what I mean?

Oh, just thinking about this kind of sexy question, dreaming about

listen.

Yeah, she did put age, sex, location at the end, actually.

ASL, you ever had that?

I hope not.

Used to be if you were on chat rooms and stuff, you'd go in a chat room, you go, hey, and they go, hey, like an anonymous chat room.

Hey, hey, ASL, and you'd say, um,

a 31 male Glasgow, and they would either, you know, disconnect or go, oh, that's sexy.

They disconnect because I was asking for an R sex lick out.

And this cunt's just autistically delivering these fucking details.

R sex licking?

Question mark?

Sex seems so...

The S seems so necessary.

Like, if you say R slick out, I'm not like...

Is this a sexual one?

No, it's a purely platonic arsenic.

They do it at the hotel.

You know, it's a lovely room.

They play ambient sound.

There's nothing sexual about it.

There's the aromatherapy room.

There's the fake snow room.

Remember that from Rudding Park?

They actually get annoyed if you

if you interpret the arslicket sexually.

Even if you don't even joke about it.

Yeah, don't yeah, I know it's kind of culturally considered to be a sexual thing, but as an ass like outer, we don't see it that way.

And we try to combat that thought on a social level.

The stigma attached to being a...

Because when I was a weak guy, that was a kind of slagging you could hit out with.

It's a weak trick you could play on someone.

You could go, oh, are you my pal?

And you go, yeah, I'd say you were my pal.

And they go, my PAL, my personal ass liquor?

And you go, no, no, no.

But now as an adult.

Yeah, maybe.

Anyway,

the other one was when you grow up, do you think you'll have a BMW?

And you go, Black Man's Willie.

Black Man's Willie, yeah.

You go, yeah, I think I'll be successful enough.

I'll have a BMW.

You go, ah, black man's willie.

And now you're like, well.

At our school, it was, would you wash a BMW

for 20 quid?

And then this economy.

When olive oil is this, when olive oil is this expensive, 10.50 for

own brand, never mind the nice stuff.

If he's kind of wise enough to stand by the olive oil in a supermarket when he's asking for this to be watched, he's going to get a few takers.

Yeah, where's the loafer?

I'll seven.

I'll seven.

They're expensive as well.

So we need to watch my pals as well.

So I would say, if this conversation doesn't answer your question, I would say, P.S.

is this mind control?

Do you listen to podcasts before you go to sleep?

How do you get to sleep, Frankie?

Not to like, how do you sleep at at night type way?

I was enjoying the old CAM app,

but I've gone off it.

It's just too corporate and too,

I don't know, shan.

Dystopian.

And

I generally go to sleep by watching several episodes of The Walking Dead at the moment.

It's taking me a long time.

Yeah, but you know, when it's done, it's done.

You know, I'll be up to date.

We met up today

and we were saying, because we'd done the live show in Glasgow two days ago.

And I don't know about you, but it was just, it was a really fun thing to do.

But it was kind of like,

man, I need a day off from talking to anybody.

And yeah, I just played a game called City Skyline Architects Edition, where I designed

it's a kind of

building management sim.

So is there another sim where you're building a skyline, but you're not an architect?

Yeah.

Now I think, yeah, that's almost as pointless as the S and E S O.

But yeah, I just needed a day, kinda.

And then at night time, I listened.

I used to listen to Blind Boy.

That's a very good

Irish guy from Limerick talking to you about the history, the ca anti-capitalist history of pineapples.

Do you ever li watch Mr.

Crohn's stuff?

Do you remember Mr.

Crombie?

Oh, I, the other blind he's is

what were they called?

The Rubber Bandits.

Yeah, I did a sketch with him on one of his shows, and like, I had a fucking name, I can't remember what it was, though.

It was going to be Netflix.

I was Netflix.

But it ended up being something else.

What do you mean it was Network?

What do you mean by Netflix?

My character's here is Netflix.

Were you Irish?

I don't think so.

No.

But I had a kind of mullet wig.

And

Mr.

Chrome is now.

Oh, he doesn't miss the shit.

He's the mullet yeah from the rubber bandits and he is a kind of stop not stop motion animator like he makes miniatures and yeah um really detailed miniatures and like a fake head like makeup what is it yeah he makes little models and stuff and it's honestly on youtube

it's under bobby fingers bobby fingers yeah he's got his own thing going on and it's very much like i think maybe um

you know i think maybe there was a thing of like oh well blind boy was the weird creative guy in that partnership but it's like no this guy's making stuff that's completely top-notch on youtube it was two weird creative guys it was two weird creative guys what a beautiful idea

they were the laurel and hardy you know of uh

irish surrealism we're more just two weird guys

Two of the least creative people we've ever made.

Two laughs like

diorama that we'd fucking come up with.

We're not practical people.

I'm not a practical person anymore.

No, no.

But they both, they're good at making things.

You know what I mean?

Good on them.

I like the rubber eye.

Yeah, so I listen to that to get to sleep.

I don't really listen to podcasts.

Sometimes what I'll be doing is I'll just stick a podcast up, but then my podcast app goes through every podcast I've got, and I'll try and get to sleep to Blaine Boy, but then it will shift into some

podcast I've downloaded about the history of the buzzer where it goes through every fucking buzzer that's ever been made or something.

And I'm fucking shocked awake nine times in an hour.

And I go, right, maybe you've done the buzzer podcast off

anyway.

I would say kill all of us and shag whatever's left.

Shag our dead bodies?

Yeah.

That's you.

Rape our dead mans.

I would say that was always an amazing line to me.

Maybe the first episode of

The League of Gentlemen.

Right.

There's the line, is he dare to kill us?

Rape our dead man.

You got away with that.

How the fuck did that go on there?

You win the period, you can pretty much do what you want, I think.

They're great.

Well, thanks for that.

No name there, but a sensible woman in her early 40s from Glasgow there with

what has been interpreted as a hardcore flirt.

That is a flirt, isn't it?

They go, I had a dream about you.

I had a dream about you, and you were asking me questions in a pub.

And I was...

Ask me Shagmann Kelton.

Hoping that you'll say, that's good, because I'd shag you

to death, and then I'd marry your body.

But thanks for sending that in.

And I hope you have a nice day.

Are you marrying someone's body?

Or are you marrying the soul?

The soul.

Well, it's a religious thing, isn't it?

It's matters of the soul.

So you could say in theory, well, of course, I'm fucking about you've no married my body.

My soul's with you, but

the body's like a puppet that the soul controls, isn't it?

Why are you sending your flesh puppet out to sex clubs for our slickouts?

For SLs.

It's not an it's not an AL.

It's just no S.

It's in the basement of the hotel.

It's got a voucher.

It's more thorough.

A lot of spongies have have little microplastics in them that kind of can inflame your rectum.

Whereas when I pay this

Thai woman to do it, it's more it's just kind of safer for us,

is what they might say.

I think we've answered that finally.

Susie's listening to this going, Why

what's going on here?

Susie is ill today.

Susie's ill today, so you're getting some

Lord of the Rings.

Fan fiction again.

Lord of the Rings is itself fanfiction of the Hobbit.

He did fan fiction of his own book.

Right.

What was he kind of

what was he kind of like basing it on?

Basing it.

Yeah.

Like, what was he?

Like, did he invent modern fantasy, or was there stuff like that before him?

And he was like into it.

There was high fantasy before that.

Lord Dunsony would have been one of them.

There was the fairy queen,

there was

Midsummer Night's Dream, you know, there was all kinds of

fantasy stuff in

the Shakespearean literature

fantasy then.

Well, not you, I mean, you could then you could say, well, mythology is essentially the start of high fantasy and that King Arthur, the chivalric tales, Merlin, um, but with Jar Tolkien

Teutonic myths, Gandalf the Grey comes from a character from Icelandic myth, a wandering wizard type guy.

So yeah, he sort of

boiled a lot of things together.

And there was also, you know, things like

Beowulf and stuff like that.

He did translations of things.

He was a linguist and all kinds of different stuff came in.

Okay.

Well, there you go.

I feel that's answered.

A really well thought out answer.

After the Icelandic

bonanza of the initial answer.

I hope this gives you what you want and you're not falling asleep to this.

Hello guillotine team.

Hope you are all well.

I've been a listener for a while.

That's right, yeah.

We're not all well.

I've been a listener for a while and would be interested in your take on something that's boiled my piss for a while and I can't seem to let go of.

A bit of backstory.

I'm the youngest of three and grew up in the 80s, west of Ireland.

I'd imagine it's not west of Ireland because it's just the ocean west of Ireland, isn't it?

Could be in a little island.

That's true.

Gola Island off the coast of Donegal.

Okay, this person's from Gola, which I thought was a type of shoe.

My family suffered a loss early in my life.

My dad died when I was nine after a period of illness, which has left its scars on us all.

I left home young as I couldn't wait to get away and have lived in the UK for the majority of my adult life.

I'm now married with two kids under seven, one of whom is disabled.

And unless I make the journey there, I never see my family.

When I do go there, my family still treat me like the 15-year-old I was and behave as if they still have ownership over my life.

They never visit.

And I can count on one hand the number of times they have met my kids.

Yet, with Paddy's Day, I see them all over social media with posts of days gone by and how much family is important to them, and wishing we could see each other more.

I'm raging as it's so fake and all done for clout.

How can I politely tell them to get to fuck and let go of the bitterness that lingers within me like a festering wound?

Logically, I know it doesn't serve me to give a shit, but since hitting 40, I find containing the rage much harder.

Keep up the good good work and happy Paddy's Day.

There's a lot.

A lot to unpack there.

He seems to be seeing less of his family, is it he?

I would say so.

Because he's moved to a different country, but his relations with his family still seem to be positive.

It's just that he doesn't see them often enough.

Right.

I'd love to know.

I would love to know where on the west coast of Ireland.

Do you think that would change your advice depending on what part of the west coast islands you're in?

If they live in Galway and they're like a fucking gregarious community, you know, of just typical Irish people.

Right next to Shannon Airport, so easy to get over here and they're in Galway, which is lovely.

Yeah.

Whereas if they're in fucking Donegal, it's a fucking two-day trek

to get to

the nearest fucking town that you can get a fucking bus to, that you can get to Belfast, you can get to Ferriard airport or whatever yeah do you know what i mean yeah so it really depends to me what are the what are the local transport hubs that's what people often leave out of their problem and galway has some crack a kraken bus station and a cracking coach station and it's easy to get confused i have

um

but yeah this galway i know this isn't what you're asking but galway has some fantastic transport links as far as i'm concerned but

His dad died when he was young.

This has led to

I mean, if you're mentioning that in the letter, this has led to some unresolved tensions in the house and within the family.

Um

and you know

maybe that's

just listening to it the first time, you're like maybe a lot of the problem here is within you.

And if you've voiced this

these feelings to your family of bitterness and rage, they might be quite surprised.

You're just someone they look forward to to seeing every summer with your kids and coming over and

maybe going to a concert or something and they'd be surprised to learn that you are seething internally about the events of what you describe as being over thirty-one years ago yeah

well yeah probably

um

therapy therapy brother yeah so therapy for you see if it all seems a bit better after that yep highly recommend

What about the thing of like feeling as if someone's not?

I think a lot of relationships, friendships, and family stuff strains into.

I don't feel like they're putting as much effort into this as I am.

So what?

Yeah.

I mean, like, put in as much effort as you want.

Like,

what is it you want from the other person?

Everything comes from you.

Friends had an interesting thing one time, Martin Moore,

was quite a discussion of Buddhism for a bit and he says the thing in Buddhism goes don't be angry because

at the root of anger and this teacher said to him

I'm annoyed that I didn't get what I wanted is often you could often boil it down to that yeah do you know what I mean so if you're in a relationship with some whatever it is a family relationship whatever and then you're like well I'm not getting what I want that's quite a childlike desire really

And can you go into that and diffuse that and go, Well, I'm happy to be doing what I'm doing in this relationship.

Why do I need X, Y, Z in return?

Right, I don't have any relationships where I'm like, I need more back from you for this.

Do you know what I mean?

It's just you're investing your time as you want to, um,

and you just accept how other people are.

I think

there you go,

that's a great point.

Why don't you take a Buddhist approach to your father's death?

It's a good idea.

He's already a stag beetle or something.

He's been reincarnated.

Probably several times.

He's probably gone through all kinds of cycles.

Yeah.

What would you like to be reincarnated into?

I'd like to be a Jenny Long Legs.

A daddy long legs.

What's the difference?

It's the same.

You think so?

Some people say that a daddy long legs is like the spider with the really long legs.

Oh, right.

And I I would say Jenny Longlegs was what you would call a crane fly.

Do you know when you're at a Cook Haddon subway station and you got the

big crane like long ass?

Daddy Longlegs is also a crane fly.

Right.

And it's like one of the kingiest names for an insect.

Do you know what I mean?

We're kind of 70s.

A 70s pimp name.

Wouldn't mind getting anything.

Daddy Longlegs is big.

Wouldn't mind getting any SA love of Daddy Longlegs.

Or giving one.

Yeah, I'll probably watch this BMW at that point, yeah.

Um,

yeah, I just, yeah, I guess the stuff like that, where you feel like your family is not

holding up their end of the bargain.

I'm a bit an airy fairy guy, I kind of like, I can just sit in my house and

I would go back, you know, I got back there at night and I was feeling a bit

lonely or something.

And I just text my mum and I was like, I will come round for dinner or something before I go to Australia.

And she's like, yeah, okay.

Here's the thing I've been thinking of lately.

I had a slight parallel to this

as soon as you can put something into words it has become degraded you know so the minute you can think of expressing something or a word for expressing a thing

it gets taken up and it gets used and as as it gets used it becomes used more broadly it starts to lose meaning so we could see an example this recently a few years ago gaslighting meant a particular thing gaslighting is a behavior within relationships where someone will deliberately try and make you think you're going to marry yeah so they'll take your car keys or you're in bed they'll move your car and they'll park it in the next street and they'll go and you'll go where's my fucking car you're losing it right it's a type of coercive control yeah very quickly that came to be used for denying things within a relationship and just generally lying to someone he's having an affair he's gaslighting her you know those are those are different things but quickly quickly, as a word becomes popular, its use expands.

So, or like woke, I like woke, you know, being part of the black community in terms of meaning, um, just being aware of white supremacy and white nonsense, and then quickly a big meat comes, or you know, drag queens and libraries or something, or like um,

uh, the EU, yeah, anything I don't like

when it used to mean a very, very specific thing.

So, perhaps there is a kind of profundity sometimes to not saying something do you know what i mean the purest way of saying something is by not saying it because you can just have the feeling

are you talking about jerry long legs i'm talking about daddy longlegs

which again is a word that has lost meaning because now it's now it's a crane fly and it's one of those kind of spindly spiders that are very slow i like them

they're called different things they're called like a spider or something

It's not called just a spider.

It's a very specific type of spider.

Some people call them daddy longer.

Maybe it's different countries.

Australian people don't have crane flies and they do have those weird spiders, I think.

And what do they call them?

Daddy long legs.

I think it's just a different thing.

Do you think Jenny long legs is a.

Have you ever heard that phrase?

I think maybe you've said it before.

So that that might not even be real either.

Yeah.

But what's it called?

Mallarmé, the French writer, he said

words become worn coins passed from hand to hand in silence.

Wow.

And that's how you can think of language as being this thing.

The more it is used,

the less it means.

Of course, yeah.

So maybe he doesn't get that expressive love from his family.

They don't go, oh, we love you, we love having you here, blah, blah, blah.

But if you see them regularly.

It's also like, where in the UK do you live?

Like, if your family aren't coming to visit you in Bristol or Glasgow,

that's messed up.

But if you live in Milton Keynes,

why would um or Norwich or Norwich?

If you live in Norwich

and you're saying this, brother,

maybe

you don't need therapy, maybe you need um the the URL for zooplah

or right move or something you need to get away from.

Also, move to Ireland.

Yeah, where in Britain is better than Ireland?

Nowhere.

Ireland's amazing.

Go home.

Wait, I realise the construction of that sentence might imply I'm I think Ireland is in Britain.

I do not think

I say where in Britain is better than Ireland.

Yeah.

That could be taken.

Oh, I see.

Yeah, yeah.

You know what I mean?

Ireland isn't Britain, famously.

The island of Ireland is not part of Britain.

The United Kingdom is not Ireland.

Is that right?

Ireland is not a part of the United Kingdom in Great Britain, it's not part of the British Isles.

Also, Northern Ireland isn't part of the United Kingdom.

It's not part of the United Kingdom.

No, is it not?

Well, it was supposed to be.

It's a bit like

your old firm party here.

I'm sure my name is nothing there'll be a United Island?

Yeah, like eventually.

Yeah.

But there is also the thing of like

Britain crumbling.

Do you know what I mean?

It's why you couldn't really get Scottish independence because you're just half a fucking rainy island in the middle of nowhere then.

What have you got?

You're just looking for somebody to park your fucking nukes.

And so...

A car park.

But often

they fucking forget Northern Ireland exists.

You know, that was part of Brexit when they had.

A Good Friday thing.

Then they sort of

the Northern Ireland end of Brexit.

They were like, oh, yeah, fuck yeah, that exists.

Forgot that.

I hang boss Johnson would happily just went.

That's fine.

To get what I want, you can just have it.

But then you're the guy that did that.

So they sort of know that someone's going to have to fucking do that at some point, but they don't want to be the person that broke up the union.

I mean, the last five people who've been in charge, I feel like all of them made mistakes on that level.

I think not mistakes.

Quicker than Doctor Who's.

like Doctor Who got quicker, they'd only do a series or two, yeah.

Like Tom Baker was Doctor Who for like a decade or something, and now, you know, how long was Matt Smith there?

Like four years or something.

And then Jodie, am I saying the right name, Jodie Foster?

Not Jodie Foster.

She wasn't.

She wasn't Doctor Who.

Who was Jodie Whacker?

Yeah, I know, I remember that.

Like Annimalecta.

Who was the Doctor Who?

Who was the woman?

It was Jodie Whedaker.

It was Jodie Whedaker.

Right, and not

Doctor Jodie Foster, who's another actress.

Right, okay, so

it's one for the blooper reel there.

It's all blooper reel.

It's all real.

See, when you'd watch a Jackie Chan film, and at the end, it's just him making loads of mistakes and bleeding.

This is just the blooper reel.

It's a three-minute movie to which we are the never-ending blooper reel.

Well, I feel like that was quite a dull problem, but I feel that the advice we offered him was broadly sound.

If you can sort of go and pick it out from the ramp.

If you can sift the jacket

from the wheat,

the jacky chaff from the jacky wheat.

The Bruce wheat.

You can find some.

I hope that you deal with your bitterness.

I've got some bitterness towards people in my family, and I try and

suppress it.

And then

it comes out at the wrong times.

And I go, oh, I've not really dealt with that.

I thought,

you know, and I don't really know what the solution is.

It's certainly not just don't speak to that person.

I would say, just try and you're saying don't use language.

No, you're saying

focus on reincarnation, focus on death,

focus on the wheel, the great wheel in the sky, the great wheel of suffering, the great wheel of suffering that we all evolve around.

I'd say, yeah.

I mean, maybe look at Buddhism, maybe look at therapy, maybe

just say to them, um,

see the way, what's going on here?

And I think they would be genuinely surprised that you feel this way, that you were saying.

I couldn't give a shit about my family,

like my kids, yeah, but like

anytime someone's like, I'm having this real big ding-dong with my sister or something, you're like, gives a shit,

your sister, what, you 12?

Yeah, grow up.

I kind of fell out of my sister.

I don't really speak to her very much.

We had Christmas lunch and it was in quite a fancy place.

And

my palates broadened a lot over the last few years, but this was just before the palate broadening.

Do you know that they've got a nice hotel out in Coat Bridge?

Do they?

The Euro.

Do you know when the bus you made a 900 bus recently?

It's split in two.

Now one of them goes to this bus stop uh hotel in coat bridge it's like one of the things she's talking about imagine the reasons that i would be jumping on the 900 bus

his fucking head down to coat bridge euro hotel

i went to see daniel kitson at the stand once right

and he was saying he was having he wasn't sure if he was going to be able to get his last train back and he just decided fuck it i'll give you the show whatever and if it's too late i'll just get a taxi back, you know.

And I emailed him, I went to his website and emailed him and said, If you ever miss the last train back to Edinburgh, Daniel, you can get the 900 bus from Buchanan Street bus station, and that takes you back to Edinburgh Site Centre.

And it was only like two years after that I went,

we wouldn't do that.

Daniel Kitson wouldn't get the 900 bus, you know.

I don't know what I'm trying to say about him, but I guess once you have any kind of money, you don't take the bus good night night time.

I don't know.

There's a period where if you sit in a micro-celebrity panel show fame, where I would get the bus rather than the train because you're sitting in two seats, you look smelly.

People aren't going to sit beside you and they don't notice you.

Whereas if you're on the fucking

train, you're brightly lit.

You might as well have just your heads popped up in someone's fridge, essentially.

And they're bored for an hour and rest.

And there you are and everybody's facing the same way on the bus so there's a degree of privacy exactly yeah get out of the back get your headphones and scratch a bit so that people think you have some kind of communicable disease and don't sit beside you but anyway we were at this

hotel in condition

um really it's like a dakota so it's like you know nice enough nice nice lunch I was looking at the menu and it was really fancy stuff and I was like, fuck, I don't know if this is for me.

And my sister, what I now realize to be genuinely, said, oh, why don't you look at the kids' menu?

And I said, why don't you shut the fuck up?

And this is became in our family that time Christopher swore.

I mean, swore his sister.

Because the food in Coat Ridge was too fancy.

That's the root of your family disagreement.

But you just can't say.

I'm not paying these fancy ass Coat Ridge prices.

You know, now I've said that loud that doesn't make a lot of sense.

Cajun fries.

Crinkle cut?

I don't.

My tongue can't take the rigid edge of a crinkle cut chip.

So I guess that's not the same level of trauma as my dad died when I was a child and I've never really dealt with it.

But you can we can relate, can't we, Irish guy?

When people tell me about their family thing, they must know that I'm just checked out.

You know, not you, because I'm like, you're on a podcast, I'm being a professional.

But, like, you know, when people are, oh, I had this real thing with man,

my mother's having this sexy thing,

you must know the other person is just happily

listening to tuba music in their head and just

sifting through childhood memories, speculating on football transfers.

You you're essentially putting the other person into standby mode.

It's a form of of

tranquillity, isn't it?

To bring up something about a family member that they don't know.

It's kind of like giving someone a drug, really.

Anaesthetic, is it called?

Yes.

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, I hope that deals with it.

Happy St.

Patrick's Day.

St.

Patrick's Day is like.

What was that a metaphor for when he drove the snakes out of Ireland?

Not really a metaphor.

Like there's no snakes there.

Right.

It was more like jumping on something that was already happening.

You know, like, if you're trying to get something,

if there's no fucking snakes there.

And you're like, I can come together, get rid of the snakes.

There's a sound kudos to that.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

Like, if you were trying to sell a sheepdog,

perhaps you'd take it up on the hill.

And when it went left, you'd shout, go left.

And when it went right, you'd shout, go right.

And then you're like, what a well-trained dog.

You've got it off your hands.

Actually, it's fucking completely insane.

It's got raised

deaf, rabid, fucking monster, right?

St.

Patrick's a bit like, yeah, get rid of the fucking moles,

get rid of the snakes.

Don't look outside at night time.

Yeah,

you know, just check if there's moles during the day.

I think moles are beautiful creatures, whether they be star-shaped noses and the claws and the lovely faces.

I'd like to meet more of them.

It's unlikely.

Pretty private.

Private.

Unless you start spending a lot of time

two feet underground.

Eating worms.

Yeah.

If once you get into the worm-eating community, which is a bit fancy for me, it's a bit Coperidge for me.

But once you get into the worm.

It's weird how snails and stuff have became this kind of...

Not became, but like in French culture and in Spanish culture, you get the Basque tradition of Los Caracolas, you know.

Eating snails and slugs and stuff.

But nobody, I don't know anybody who eats worms worms other than birds and moths and badges i don't think you're supposed to eat slugs right um there was a guy do you remember this a guy ate a slug for a day oh and you're really not supposed to eat them and he was like

fucking paralyzed and like locked in for like a decade and then died because he had a slug you don't eat slugs Right, okay.

Yeah, I remember once

Matt, do you remember that Scotty dog I was telling you about?

My uncle's Scotty dog?

Oh, yeah.

Whose head nearly burst a Dalmatian's fanny or something?

I think you'd imagined a lot of that.

But yeah.

That dog nearly ate a slug once, and I was like, who cares?

And the family was like, it's really, you shouldn't eat slugs.

Maybe it was around about the time that guy ate one and went mental.

What would God have had to have done in the slug?

to make it look less appetizing?

Do you know what I mean?

The health and safety head are like, God, people are eating slugs.

Like, what the f?

It's slimy who the fuck is it?

It's got eyes on the end of fucking sticks.

You know how you put salt on your food?

They hate salt.

Don't put it near any other food because it's not to be ate.

Don't season it.

If you season it, I'll make it disappear.

And scream?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do they scream?

Yeah.

What does that like?

A scream.

Oh.

Like a human.

No, they make a kind of weird high-pitched

pretty much.

If you're making a video game about slugs and you need someone to do this painful screams of a slug, I have very reasonable rates.

And all I need is

non-crinkle-cut chips as payment.

But listen, I hope that you reconcile with your Irish family.

And I hope you move back to Ireland because it's a great country and you shouldn't live in fucking

Skegness or wherever you've moved to.

Good luck, good luck.

He also sounds like he's on the brink of family annihilation or something.

Sounds like you're about to take a chainsaw to your family tree and then hang yourself from the branch.

So don't do that.

Just go to your therapist and say, um, mental, and he'll talk you through it.

That's what I did.

Best of luck.

Don't scream, shut the fuck up at your sister at Christmas dinner, please.

Because nobody likes that.

Wasn't it a scream?

I was saying it jokey the way I'd say, you're Susie, shut the fuck up, little Roscoe or something.

I'd shut the fuck up, but they don't know me that way.

So your family don't know you well enough to tell when you're joking.

Yeah, exactly.

Hey, how you doing?

Pruduous Andy here.

Thank you for listening to another episode of Here Comes the Guillotine with Frankie Boyle, Susie McCabe, and Christopher MacArthur Boyd.

Susie and Christopher are playing Edinburgh Fringe this summer, so if you want to head along, head to their socials for more information.

You can get all the episodes of Here Comes the Guillotine on Global Player right now.

Search for Global Player on your app store or go to globalplayer.com.

This is a Global Player Original Podcast.