A Redundant Offer of Optimism

Here Comes the Guillotine contains offensive language, mature content, and adult themes.

It is not suitable for a younger audience.

This is a Global Player Original Podcast.

How you doing?

This is Producer Vandy, and you're listening to a brand new episode of Here Comes the Guillotine.

Susie McCabe is currently off, so you'll have the sultry tones of Frankie Boyle and Christopher MacArthur Boyd.

Just a little warning that this episode also contains use of historical racial language.

Thank you for listening to Here Comes the Guillotine and I hope you enjoy this episode.

Black Power, Black Power, Black Panther, Black Panther.

Shout out

not just to the Black Panthers but to the Rainbow Coalition which included the Young Patriots, the white working class

group and the Puerto Rican group.

Do you know what they were called?

I wouldn't care to speculate.

The Young Lords.

The young lords.

Yeah.

Pretty cool.

That is cool.

I like that.

Wouldn't mind being a young lord converting to a Puerto Rican nature.

I guess Little Lord Fontelroy would be a touchstone for them.

They call them the Fontle Roys when they're out and about with the switchblades

in their vests.

So ignorant of Puerto Rican.

Don't act as if a Puerto Rican

gang would never have had a blade.

You'd be negligent.

Of course they would.

Sorry, you're Puerto Rican listeners.

Are you okay with Puerto Rican culture in any way?

No, but I do remember the bit in the election where some kind of shitty shock jock comic

did a joke about Puerto Rico and all the kind of centrist podcasts were like, oh my god, this is really swung things for this has really swung things for Harris because now Bad Bunny's getting involved.

Do you know how huge he is with the pottery and all that stuff that they would do?

Of course, Taylor Swift's come out, it's all over for Trump.

And you're like, fuck.

It's odd how disconnected those people are from actual politics and also from consequence because so many times they predict stuff that doesn't happen.

Yeah,

like weather people who've never heard the rain.

Big Bad Bunny is funny.

I mean, maybe it's just

when you're interested in something, everything seems like a

road to it.

But

Puerto Rican superstar Bad Bunny was very briefly a WW superstar, but also Tony Henchcliffe, the bad comedian, who done that joke about Puerto Rico.

And people are like, it was just a piece of racism.

I mean, it was a joke to an extra.

It wasn't a good joke, and it was a racist joke, but it was a joke it's just that it was a joke to actual republicans instead of a comedy crowd and when you're at a rally and you're doing a joke it doesn't really f it's not a stand-up anymore is it it's just a racist joke i think if you came on on a comedy club behind this an electron what i said

electin really takes away i'm joking doesn't it?

The elector's like, uh, I'm making a speech.

I'm at a rally, I'm saying what I actually think.

The elector and it's it's the form of stand-up so important.

I seen somebody at the fringe and they were doing a show, and I see some specials now and then you see

big comedy specials, especially for like

15 years ago, and they don't have the microphone.

They've all got the Wee Britney mic.

And I'm like, you are giving up so much here.

Just so that you can maybe hold a paint and gesture with your other hand.

It's like, come on, get the mic in your hand.

It helps so much, I think, to have a funny thing.

It's like the talking stick from like

ancient societies, right?

Did they just hold a stick to talk?

So, this is like your your caveman thing, you've got the stick and talking 100%.

I feel so

weak on stage if I don't have a talking stick, but then you get these types and they'll have the the little microphone on their face, and I'm just like, Wow, why are you doing that?

Is it to feel more like a pop star, or is it to be bigger with your gestures or something?

Because you're in a big room.

I sometimes think they you know they'd have the old brick background in a comedy club, and that's caused it to it's a simulation of you've chased someone down an alley they've hit a dead end and they've turned around to beg for their life

that's kind of what stand up as some Puerto Ricans are in front of you

yeah he funny though I guess

I don't know he's only 15 into his 25

let's see he's at the sad mark of his friend's show he's gonna say something something about his dad dying or something.

Don't heck.

It's just a 20-minute dip.

He's dipping on 20.

It's going to come back up.

God bless him.

Pottery Cole, man.

But then that Tony Hinchcliffe guy, he is also appearing with the WWE.

He's going to be at the WrestleMania thing.

He's going to be like doing a roast of the wrestlers or something because the current owners of WWE are like, hey, we're not Vince McMahon anymore.

We're not a fucking crazy guy anymore.

I didn't shit on anyone's head.

That's basically it.

But they are still in with the Trump cabinet and they were at the inauguration, these new people.

Who roasts wrestlers?

Isn't that what they do?

That's what they do, yeah.

They take it really well.

They roll about in agony if you say something bad about them.

They're like really selling it well.

Yeah.

But he's, it's just, it's just,

it's disgusting.

But then also the rival competitor, AEW Elite Wrestling, the guy who owns that's dad also donated a million dollars to the Trump campaign as well.

As you know, I prefer that one as it contains the only wrestler I know.

Christian Cage.

Christian Cage, who has a standard bit of long running pattern now, that he uh is glad that other wrestlers' fathers have died and um that he is uh attractive to their widowed mother.

Yeah.

The filo figure, I think his name was.

George Michael's song.

I can be a fan figure.

Um yeah, and then uh he had a group back for a while.

I've no really been I've really just not watched wrestling in ages because it's so tied into

uh right-wing American politics and is essentially just action figures for billionaires.

Well, we need to start doing a left

left discretion organization

It splits immediately into like a Gramscian faction and

leftist pro-wrestling.

Strict Maoist wrestling.

Mao would have been quite into it.

Do you know what I mean?

Mao published a physical jerks booklet.

Do you know what I mean?

There's a lot of squatting.

a lot of lower body work.

Alright, okay.

I didn't think he was ripped.

Well, you'd be surprised.

I thought he had a kind of Wenny the Pooh-ish kind of

Chinese government figure, the guy who looks like Winnie the Pooh.

But I just kind of assumed he was a doughy

guy.

Maybe he was, do you know what I mean?

But he was lying.

Well,

or maybe he was ripped underneath the fat.

Maybe he was extremely strong, but

we never got the chance to test ourselves against him.

We don't we can only speculate on Mao's stats.

See when like

when death challenges you and it's like you can, I think it's in Bill and Ted or something, you can kind of do whatever game you want.

Traditionally, it's you play chess with death in the kind of Ingmar Beng Bergman way.

But then in Bill and Ted, it's like Twister, he plays with them.

which is very funny.

But

what would you go against Death?

Who can watch The Walking Dead for the longest?

Because I'm like five CDs in.

Wow.

I've not really fucking deviated to look at anything else.

I'm just letting it wash over me every night.

Like a tepid puddle.

Hmm.

What was I thinking?

Oh, yeah.

Can you imagine in a zombie apocalypse that there was a homicide department that just kept going?

And we're like, no, we're going to investigate these murders.

And like,

virtually all murders are zombies.

But they're like, you know what?

I'm going to get fucking justice here.

I'm going to do every autopsy.

You're like, his brain's missing.

Well, let's see.

There's a bad mark on his face.

Yeah.

We just don't know who that was.

A really bloody-minded.

Stubborn cop.

Columbo.

Department Zed.

Yeah, you're saying brains, you know.

Mrs.

Columbo loves brains.

She can't get enough.

I was thinking after the live pod, when we talked to me a bit about Mrs.

Columbo, maybe Mrs.

Columbo was a different gender identity for Columbo.

Youngie goes home, takes off the jacket.

I don't know.

It's a reversible jacket.

It's not a fucking Liza Minelli style.

Like someone's airbrushed a woman's body and inside his jacket.

He just ties it up really tight.

Does that do that thing where you kind of face away for someone and you put your arms around yourself and you touch your back?

Patrick McGooon, as a general, has watched him horrified.

What the hell are you doing, Colombo?

Get out of here, Colombo.

Stop masturbating in your jacket inside out.

Did you hear the times?

Did you count them?

Yeah, big old Patrick Magoo.

Tell you what else I've been doing.

As you know, I've been eating a lot of soup.

And you know what?

Strong molecular bonds are no longer for me.

I'm all for those weak molecular bonds of liquids.

I'm

paddling merrily along a soup river.

I'm heading deep into a soup phase like a fucking savoury Willy Wonka.

They probably had a savoury bit, didn't they?

We had a wee off room that was like some fucking umbalumpas just singing a really sad song about cheese.

That's what happens when umbalumpas get too old, they get fed into a meat grinder, and and then it becomes Willy Wonka's

men's pie.

Yeah, pity.

Petties the flesh.

And yeah, that's all he eats.

I think it's a plot point in the remake.

He doesn't have bad teeth, so I don't think he is like eating so much chocolate.

He probably just eats ground-up, pattied livers of Impalimpas.

Or he has a very long tongue that can

take the sweets back deep into his gullet.

Yeah.

And it never touches his teeth.

Maybe.

Maybe.

What were we talking about before we talked about the walking dead?

We were talking about wrestling.

No, but after that.

Something.

Walking Dead.

I only got into like episode five.

I think I got to like when Norman Reed shows up with a bow and arrow,

which was good.

And his friend was like tied to the top of a building or something.

This might have been like episode three.

This is really it.

Series one.

Yeah, yeah.

I never got into series two.

Does it

it's just relentlessly them turning on being killed by zombies and you know what it's quite enjoyable it's it's downbeat it's strange that that was a big thing after the financial crash yeah because we certainly found in comedy and in entertainment lighter things were demanded do you know what i mean i think so oh yeah the sort of people who like

when now they're starting to intelligence like the end of the fucking blair years and it's like oh what's the grimmest thing anyone can say because life's pretty pretty good there's

good in it.

But we're doing water fans.

So

life's good on the back of a mountain of dead Iraqis.

But then post-the-crash, it was all suddenly a very fucking game show.

You know, you're kind of

padding me against Take Me Out.

It's a hostage to Fortune colony show, that isn't it.

Janks, I want you to come up on the...

I think

there's a lot of people with mental health problems and voices out there and you don't want to be popping up on television take me out underneath.

Take me out, please.

End this fucking hell.

No lucky.

No lighty.

No light me house on fire.

He's uh

seen him talking about having fucking serious depression.

On our podcast reel.

No wonder.

And he was like, you know what depression's like?

It's like being at a James Blunt concert and they've sealed the doors

and then you leave through one door.

There's another James Blunt concert on the other side.

And it was actually a really funny bit of pattern about depression.

I said, I'd love to see because he had grey hair and his beard was a bit grey and he was wearing a nice jacket.

I was like, I'd love to see the fringe Paddy McGinnis.

You know what I mean?

Going to the Soho Theatre and just going through depression and stuff, you know.

Bear with me,

savory Willy Wonka.

you are you are

yeah

he's just got to go through the standards because he knows it's what the audience want he's got no energy for it's like do you remember

find this crispy pizza

So you hank walking, you hank all this

zombie stuff was a response to the financial crash?

Pretty much.

Because it was

a big part of our culture for a long time, was the zombie stuff.

Was it the zombie land, Sean of the Dead?

Was there a bit of early installation of that kind of hang on to that?

Well, I think it's always been a thing of us being able to test our imagination about the apocalypse

without

really admitting that that's what we're doing.

So we can go, oh, imagine like, you know, everything just kind of broke down, and there was people running about killing each other.

Oh, and we've had to add a kind of fantastical element

to give us a little bit of distance from that.

Because what the Walking Dead would actually be, and what it almost is, because the zombies aren't very good, is like the battle of

different groups of non-zombie people for resources.

Right.

That's kind of what we're heading towards.

Have you seen The Last of Us?

Yeah.

Have you played The Last of Us part two?

Yeah.

But

I got sort of paralysed by horror at one point.

I was just kind of like creeping around in some fucking thing as a lesbian.

And I was like,

do I want to throw a fucking Molotov cocktail over there?

I just, I'm fucking scunned here.

I kind of gave up.

And Thor doesn't really like that kind of stuff anyway.

And really, I need Thor to get me through difficult bits and games gameplay-wise, yeah, because it's like an interesting thing because it's fucking

he's like an

Israeli sympathizer, the guy who came up with that, the

Neil Druckman.

And it's like about Israel and Palestine, that second game.

He's like, Oh, we're just like, it's like, I don't think you've really seen the

bigger picture here, Neil, you know.

I think it's hard to see anything a real Palestine.

A gay woman killing mushroom spored zombies.

That's how he sees it.

Do you know what I think the walking dead is?

It's a bit like a human, it's a two legs, watershed down.

Oh, yeah.

You know, they're plowing along.

They keep arriving at all these different places that look decent.

Oh, this is pretty decent, a fucking gated community.

Well, what's up here?

What's the fucking problem here?

You know, and that's kind of watershed down.

Well, they go to that bit where they've got got these kind of like cucked rabbits and like the farmers eating them, basically.

The farmers fucking the rabbits' wives.

No,

the farmers catching them, but that means there's plenty of carrots and there's plenty of stuff there to keep them there.

And they have this wee poet who's called fucking ragweed or something like that.

And he's like the kind of mouthpiece, the Lord Hawhaw, the artistic

cuckold of the rabbit world.

And he

does these wee kind of bleak

centrist poems.

Who would you say is him in real life?

Most of culture.

Who's not him?

Yeah.

It's quite a thing, isn't it?

Like fucking gazza and all that, and you're just like, nobody says anything.

Comics.

I mean, there's some people, gender.

There's some, right, but we could count them on one hand.

Yeah.

Like,

and people are just like, yeah, let's just wait till those people are wiped out and people probably imagine that I said something.

Yeah.

Imagine I must have.

But I just bought that book by what's it called?

The message.

You know that one?

I don't know it.

Tana Hisi Coates, his name is.

I bought that because I want to know kind of more

about it.

He got in a lot of bother.

He was in America and he was on TV and he was having to kind of intellectually debate American news hosts which seemed unfair of him.

They don't seem the breast bunch.

The people that really get me are people who were like on the soft end of things, if you can call it the soft end of things, but they were going, Oh, this is a this is a attack to say that Israel would ever attack a hospital.

This is like blood libel, this is blah blah blah.

And then you're like, Well, they've now destroyed every hospital

and every school.

And every school.

So what you say now, and then you look at the thing and they're like, Trump, this is terrible, Trump's doing this, so but we need to support Zelensky and blah blah blah.

And you're like, they fucking love Trump getting in, because it gives them a chance to take the moral high ground about something that they actually have the moral high ground on and not talk about this absolute fucking horrendous genocide that they've like underwritten co-sponsors on.

Who was it who done the Trump, the original Trump

presidential, was it Michelle Wolfe?

Oh, you're calling him OG Trump?

Yeah, so that was original Trump.

I have a conspiracy theory that much like Paul McCartney and the wrestler Kane, Kane.

Trump died and they've replaced him with a clone or brother.

Zero evidence.

Zero evidence.

Other than he seems

older.

Yeah.

He seems a few years older than he did a few years ago.

I'll tell you that much.

That's my conspiracy theory.

He's sort of got that kind of white wispiness to his hair now, just like he's like a dandelion seed.

I would love to blow him like with

air and then just watch him explode on the wind, you know.

Like, do you think he would

split into millions of different wee things or like one big thing?

My conspiracy theorist is that he is a dandelion who is six years older than he was six years ago.

It's been alleged that I'm a dandelion.

But she was on the she did that great bit of stand-up where all the newspaper people were laughing because this is so silly.

But she was like, No, you're

the ones who benefit from this.

You're going to sell way more papers.

This is brilliant for yous.

Like, this guy, this famous guy is a president.

He's going to say mad stuff all the time.

People are going to click your website every day.

You're going to be a millionaire because of this fascist.

And

she was right.

Yeah.

It's also that thing of like the Democrats were so terrible.

Like,

you know,

they dismantled a kind of ad hoc welfare state that had been set up to deal with COVID.

They sponsored a massive genocide.

Yeah.

They armed it.

And they played on in doing that in the face of likely electoral loss.

Everybody knew that swing states had, or some swing states had large Muslim populations.

Everybody knew that was going really badly.

Yeah.

And they just did it anyway.

And like they had a mad old guy who couldn't really speak or think in charge.

And then when the person who replaced them was asked, would you do it different than he did?

She went, no.

Oh.

So you're a mad old guy then in a woman's body.

You You know, I thought it was going pretty well there.

That guy everybody hates.

The guy everybody hated so much they had to bring me in had the right ideas.

At least Joe Biden had the excuse of being an ancient

rock person.

I kind of golem or something.

I mean, whereas Kier Stahmer is like, I kind of, you know, he has all his faculties intact, but

is actively,

you know,

this stuff about disabled people that he's doing.

Yeah, but remember his thing coming out?

So he has almost nothing to humanize him.

So they went, just say your dad was a toolmaker and like he's got some story about his mum.

He got a phone call when he was like in his 20s saying your mum's going to die.

He has to break it to the rest of his family.

So that's his standard humanising pitch during the election.

His mum did need die, right?

She was okay.

So it seems like a real reach is a

story.

But also, if you found, how do you then turn around and attack disabled people?

Yeah.

Do you know what the fraud rate on the personal independence payment is?

Zero percent.

No.

Yeah.

They don't do it.

Yeah.

The means testing it is so much more expensive than just letting some desperate people exploit it.

How do you make it worse than

I've got friends with cerebral palsy who get assessments, you know, and people come up to someone with like serious cerebral palsy and say, can you walk to that bus stop?

I'm going to stand and watch you.

And they're like, well, I can't.

No, I've got cerebral palsy.

Try.

Yeah.

And they make you try.

And if you don't fail, and like, you know, it's kind of embarrassing to fall to the ground in public.

But if you don't do it, then they cut your money off.

But that's the system that they're degrading.

Yeah.

That's

like this.

That's the fucking bar we're limboing under.

Yeah, and it's partly the fucking neurotic idea that disabled people don't contribute to the economy, which they do.

Yeah, you know, they have needs, do you know what I mean?

Like they need

like my girlfriend's disabled, so there's stuff I need in my house that I wouldn't have bought if she wasn't disabled.

Do you know what I mean?

So there's loads that it does contribute to the economy.

There's loads of,

yeah, my pal's disabled, he's got a kind of bowel conditions, got ulcerative colitis.

And he said that he

applied for help because he can't work a lot of the time

because he's like shitting himself to death essentially.

And

yeah, they said that having to apply for it is absolutely humiliating and being tested is absolutely humiliating.

It's just like

what the fuck's wrong with you?

Like, who is you?

Who are you?

Who are you trying to impress?

Do you know what I mean?

But what's the lower rate of that benefit as well?

Like there's a lot of mobility one,

but like the lower rate is

something

like

29 quid, maybe slightly less than that, maybe like 28.70 or something.

And you're like, really, as a fucking nation that you're always going on about, oh, Britain, you know, and blah, blah, blah,

2012 Olympics and blah, blah, blah.

If you can't find £28 fucking £70 for, you know, people who have serious health problems, like, what's the fucking point?

Yeah.

I just don't know who

I don't think anybody's gonna vote for you.

It's like, well, even let disabled people aren't gonna fucking vote for you, and people who like disabled people are not disabled.

And the thing about the antidote, but the thing is, everybody's gonna be disabled before they die.

Also, tons of people are affected by it.

This is part of the thing in America with the Trump election.

Was um, Biden got rid of a provision that was an emergency provision for COVID that meant that a certain number of people got health insurance.

It's something like seven, eight million people, I think.

And you can tell that they've thought, well, that's not that many people.

And loads of them are nevoars, right?

Because America is, you know, a very big country.

And loads of those people will be like kids that got covered under some plan or whatever, right?

And they forget those people touch so many lives.

So that's someone going, well, you know, life shit, but at least my grandkids have got fucking medical care.

Do you know what I mean?

And it's the same with like these disability cuts.

Hundreds of people's lives intersect with those people that you're persecuting.

And you're already at twenty percent in the polls.

You're already fucking getting dragged down to like reform levels.

Yeah.

Sure, we could talk about wrestling again.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, you just don't see it's hard to see a light.

I guess we're not really the the light perceivers.

We're more there's the darkness.

It's hard to find a happy silver lining in this brutal oppression.

So, yeah, who I just don't know.

It's very hard to.

I guess you'd need like a nishkumar or something to go.

Here's the way, here's one route out or something, or a Josie, maybe a Josie in one time.

Oh, really?

Well, that's kind of interesting to me.

Like, so I've been like interviewing a lot of people the last 18 months, like live things, book launches, Slavov Žižek.

yes George Mumbio did Ash Sarcar the other day it was very good and but there is a thing where people have to offer optimism at the end you know because you know the facts of like a current political situation are pretty bleak and um you know there is a bit in the end where they go but you know try and leave him on a high and I was kind of like it's a bit like a comedian's closer do you know what I mean you sort of feel it shouldn't have to be there but it does kind of have to be there you kind of have to go ah I'm alright but here's the best joke I've got

um i guess some people are canaries and some people are budgies you know

do you know what i'm saying um i'm trying to untick it well some people are down in the coal mine dying so that you know not to die there like get out because this bird's died is i believe what canaries are for in the coal mines but you they wouldn't have a budgie for that you'd have a budgie in your house to cheer you up

who doesn't die of sulfur poison and are we the budgies?

We're the canaries.

We're the canaries.

So we're going down, we're looking at stuff.

And

the crowds are budgery guys.

No, I would say other comedians are budgies.

All right.

Yeah.

House pets.

Maybe they look in the mirror a lot and go, oh, that's nice.

The field negro and the house negro.

I would never.

That's not what I would say.

Yes.

Malcolm X.

There's a good new book about Malcolm X, that's like Hindi Andrews.

But Malcolm X was funny.

Oh, yeah.

He was properly funny.

Have you ever listened to his speeches?

No, no.

He had a great voice for comedy as well.

Do you know what I mean?

And he does a big speech, The Field Negro and the House Negro.

Do you know me this?

I think so.

So he's like, some people are like

house Negroes, you know, from the plantation days.

And like, when the master gets sick, they say, We sick, we sick

because they're so attached to him.

When you know there's like a a fire in the master's house, they go and fetch water and all that stuff, and he's going like

you know, then you get your field negroes, and they're like, When the master gets sick, oh, I hope he dies.

Like,

when there's a fire, the master says, I pray for wind.

That is funny,

much like Samuel L.

Jackson's character in Django Django Unchained would be the house one.

Well, that's exactly what it's supposed to be.

Yeah.

What a fucking film.

My favourite line in it is Ready the Start where Christopher Waltz is getting held up by some restabites or something.

He's got the dance finery.

Yeah.

And somehow has to be less chance, fancy pants.

Yeah.

No, I've not

really

read a lot of of comments maybe after

a biography of him, which is supposed to be kind of an autobiography, but it's by Alex Haley, the guy that did Roots.

And it's great, and it's got loads of great phrases in it.

He keeps Lindy Hopping.

He really loved Lindy Hopping.

What is Lindy Hopping?

The dance?

Yeah.

What is it like?

Is it that thing where you put your hands on your knees and then you put your knees together and you swap hands?

No, I think they went to struggle to sustain a scene in that particular move.

Where's the Lindy Hop?

Well, I mean, you'll have to check out.

I can demonstrate in an audio form.

This is why people want us to go to YouTube so as we could dart Lindy Hop

But he he also keeps using the phrase uh to alert someone to something.

I tugged his coat.

I tugged his coat to defect it.

That's cool.

Yeah, that's cool.

Yeah.

Okay, the Lindy Hop is an American dance which was born in the African American communities of Harlem in 1928.

What are three characteristics of the Lindy Hop?

Fast rotations, swing outs, and high-energy footwork.

That sounds good.

I think my Lindy Hopping days are behind me.

My Lindy Hopping days are just beginning.

I'm about to start a new Glaswegian Lindy Hop scene.

The soup and Lindy Hopping?

Why are you going away for solids?

Are you not worried?

Because I'm a liquid.

Right.

Do you know what I mean?

Beautiful water.

When the soup comes to me, it's kind of returning home.

You know, it's sailing home.

You're like hydro hydroman.

Yeah, yeah.

Also, a liquid takes the shape of its container.

So when the soup goes into my stomach, it just settles into a stomach shape.

Whereas, like, a pizza's going in there with all kinds of notions, all kinds of notions of what shape it should be.

And I have to reform it.

So I'm saving energy on that.

I guess.

I guess it's like Bruce Lee did say be like water.

But why not be like soup?

Bruce Lee Disney sort of mean that though Bruce Lee means

kind of contracting your body so that you can hit people harder right he means to contract and expand oh okay I thought it was just to find a space and fill it with violence I thought it was like get in the way you would pour into a cup the way you'd pour soup into your frankey you know I mean it would go to every corner it's it's not just that it's also like reacting the kind of natural way I think he means what he's kind of water thing so it's the thing they teach you there where like you get pulled in one arm and you come around and you hit them with that arm, you use the energy that's there.

Oh, that they get everything, yeah, yeah.

Um,

and

yeah, I think most of what he talked about was like really specific fighting stuff.

People have like he was like a really cruel, like very clever and very cruel person.

No, but I think it's probably a bit of a narcissist, yeah.

But um, he had like a metal plate fitted in his shoes that just left like in a quarter of an inch of metal coming round his his shoe again, because if he was gonna kick if he was gonna get in a real fight,

he just wanted to like kick a hole in your leg.

Well, he couldn't lose.

Well, it would have been pretty tricky to I wouldn't have liked to try and someone who dedicated his whole life to fighting.

Well, that's it, but then it's like when you dedicate your whole life to fighting, you know, you have your you know, you kind of watch your back constantly because everybody wants to fight you because you're the best fighter, because everybody wants to beat you.

So, if you beat Bruce Lee in a fight, now you're the greatest fighter.

Heavy is the head that was the crowd.

I met a guy who trained with Bruce Lee, and he said, like, one time they

stopped,

they stopped his car, he's very old at this point, this guy.

But he said, one time that Road Rage thing, and he's pulled his car over, and like, Bruce Lee gets out to fight this guy, and they're kind of squaring up.

And he said, like, Bruce Lee, can I turn around?

I'm like, turn that song up, turn it up.

Somebody die before you have a square go or something.

Turn the song up.

They used to have a guy called Jim Lee that you trained with early on.

He's like a big, looks like a big monstrous version of Bruce Lee, but a superpowered Bruce Lee.

The Ben Venom Bruce.

Yeah, and

he couldn't get a fight.

Jimmy, he did Jeet Kendall as well.

But he nobody would want to fight him, so he had to get people to kind of go into his local bus station and like fucking rile people up and then they'd chase them out and he'd kind of be standing there to get some practical experience.

I think that's what what happens at Manchester Coach Station.

But there's no Bruce Lee, it's just constant riling up aggressive fragrance

before you get the old National Express but the classical.

Imagine it's a Flixbus now.

Are you familiar with this?

The Flixbus?

No.

This is the replacement for...

Oh, no, it's like a rival to Megabus.

Finally.

How do you undercut Megabus?

Do you know how to do it?

There's a new thing you can do where the tickets are dead cheap, but you can buy a ticket for nobody

at a reduced price.

You can buy like a half ticket for an empty seat if you don't want people to sit next to you.

And this has completely changed the budget coach game in Scott, in the UK.

They've weaponised misanthropy.

Yeah.

Fantastic.

Because I've always assumed Megabus must be like a money laundering thing or something.

You go along the fucking M8 and you're like, well, there's like three people on a bus paying like fucking four quid each the drivers fucking get more than that yeah

but then

it's like if there's a big event in Aberdeen

you're just fucking praying for Taylor Swift to play Aberdeen it can be very expensive if it's like the wrong day I've I remember I was doing a gig in Aberdeen and I was like no offense to Aberdeen I love Aberdeen with a great life show there Aberdeen's brilliant but I just couldn't be in Aberdeen any longer this night And I opened the gig, ran to the bus station.

I got the last mega bus back to Glasgow, and it was heaving.

It was heaven.

The guy next to me fell asleep on me.

He dropped on my shoulder.

One of my favourite things in Scotland is the bus from Edinburgh, last bus from Edinburgh to Glasgow.

Guess when that goes?

11:59pm.

And they've set it at 59pm because people who don't get the buses regularly and think of jumping one will be like there'll be one at twelve.

So every time as that bus is pulling out, you see people coming down the stairs with pizzas,

getting change out of their pocket and they just look up to see the bus leaving and the driver always gives them a toot to

so long suckers.

Enjoy your pizza crunch.

That fucking last bus back to Glasgow.

I remember I was getting I was getting I've commuted one of the first years I'd done the fringe I commuted from the east end of glasgow the fringe every day on the bus because the 900 went past near my house and there would be people doing portrait up the back of it

yeah fuck's sake

and also people doing heroin it was brilliant now they've got like on the buses they've got the blue light have you been on a mega bus recently they've got the oh the national express between the coach 900 coach between glasgow and edinburgh they have the blue light so you can't do heroin on it so you can't find the vane oh wow Yeah.

Well, what's that off my list?

Of possible heroin spots.

Is that something that Flicksbushbus is saying?

You can actually get a half ticket, and

the bus driver will sell you junk and you can inject it in your cock vein if you want, which I think's great.

Junk.

I haven't had that for ages.

Got any junk, man.

Get any H?

Horse, they call it on the Flicksbus scene.

I would fucking draw my veins on Leobyro before I got on the megabus.

Just make a note of where they are.

Yeah.

How fucking hard is it?

I think maybe just I I obviously maybe I don't know.

I don't want to speculate about um addiction as a serious topic and stuff, but I would I think

you know, the light would

mean that you couldn't see the blue veins on your arm and stuff, but your cog vein would be visible, wouldn't it?

If you had the hard on or something.

So

just get hard in the back seat of the bus and and stab it with a syringe and plunge

um

dreams you've been an eighteenth century clipper ship captain straight into your fucking boiling veins.

Right into your um

yeah, your your your your deck, as they say.

It's just the the matrix, isn't it, basically?

Heroin, just just get on that fucking magic carpet.

Do you think sponsor is heroin?

Or just Afghanistan generally?

This week we're sponsored by Flexbust

and the virus.

And the concept of heroin.

Hey, how you doing?

Prudu Sandy here.

Thank you for listening to another episode of Here Comes the Guillotine with Frankie Boyle, Susie McCabe, and Christopher MacArthur Boyd.

Susie and Christopher are playing Edinburgh Fringe this summer, so if you want to head along, head to their socials for for more information.

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