Piglets, Oinks & Grunters

Here Comes the Guillotine contains offensive language, mature content, and adult themes.

It is not suitable for a younger audience.

This is a Global Player Original Podcast.

Hello, and welcome to Here Comes the Guillotine.

I'm Frankie Boyle, and I'm going to be talking to Susie McCabe and Christopher MacArthur Boyd.

I don't think it happened the other night, it's never happened before.

I was looking up some attack on Titan lore.

Your favourite fascist anime.

It's a criticism of fascism.

I won't go into details here, but it's a lore-heavy anime.

And I had a porn pop-up.

And I've never had a porn pop-up that's not on Barn before.

But it popped up on a forum

for attack on something.

It just popped up.

Right.

And it said

the great

amateur Welsh blowjob.

Like it was like the fucking break-off.

Yeah.

And after that is a

series.

You know what I mean?

Ellis James, obviously.

Hello.

I'm here for the great amateur Welsh blowjob.

Why not?

It's a rabbit.

As I call it.

Wow.

That's wild.

Yeah, it's kind of worryy.

It just feels like the internet's kind of fucking heaving under its own weight and like bits are spilling out into bits they're not supposed to be in.

It's weird when you're watching porn and you get a normal outfit.

I like for a car.

I don't want to think about how a car drive here in the powerful ass.

Obviously, I remember, I don't know how fucking gear stick works.

You need to sugarle it in different directions.

I beg you to.

It's when porn goes, Are you bored of watching porn?

And you're like, no, try fucking old women.

That's why I'm here.

Yeah.

Like, I've got years of this left in me.

Do you want to fuck old women in Motherwell?

Don't.

You will be banned if you don't fuck them.

It sort of likes to guess your area a bit.

Are you looking for an old woman to fuck in Lanarkshire?

You're like, mate, there's no women in Lannarkshire.

They don't live long enough in Lannarkshire.

It was depressing when you were on tour because it would really confuse your VPN.

Do you know what I mean?

It would be like, do you want to fuck an old woman in prison?

Do you remember this?

When they'd have to get like a search rate to fuck this old woman.

It was crazy.

Crazy adverts.

Why is it?

I keep getting ones for ugly old women.

And I'm like, that's not my search.

It's like ugly old women need fuck now.

And I'm like, Jesus.

I guess it's all they've got.

Do you know what I mean?

Do you think it's a real search?

I've never clicked the advert.

I don't know if it's a real search.

No, it's not.

No, it's a no.

Yeah.

It can't be.

You know, you know what?

Good is gold.

You know, on my Yelp review, you know, an old woman turned up from Mother.

Well,

she was, she was DTF.

She rode me to.

If the advert said an old, ugly woman will make you soup right now and you can't say no,

I'd be like, Yeah, good.

I'm up for that.

That's bad.

I would have clicked that a hundred times.

That's what having a mother is.

Oh my god.

I don't know.

You know, if you've got an Irish family, you don't come for food culture really.

Sometimes it's hard to.

I mean, they can make soup.

Let's make soup.

Well, here we go.

Let's hear the family.

The famine didn't dislodge Irish people's ability to ever cook food.

They have eaten since.

Honestly, I remember a stand-up asking me what the Irish eat.

It was quite a posh stand-up from the centre of London.

He's like, What is it they eat?

And Irish and googled it and it was quite grim.

I was like, Depends if your fucking ancestors gave them this soup, you dick.

That's what I actually said to him.

Just like, fuck's sake.

The incredible Irish comedian Alison Spittle has a soup group on Instagram that you can join and you get updates on what soups she's been eating and where she's been eating them.

Where she's been eating them.

So this ranges from ramens and the the the the Izzekayas of modern London to um

you know just coddle.

You know, she's she's doing it.

It'll be bolo biller.

I highly recommend checking out Alison Spittle's soup group.

I'm in the midst of a soup phase.

Yeah.

Oh, what you been making?

I haven't I've not been making it, I've just been buying soup when when it's available.

Okay.

Well like tinned soup?

No, uh the Burrow Collection soup of the day is always exactly the same.

I'd love to be just in a room in a museum and people go, there it is.

And I go, eh.

You wouldn't be the first artist to have done that?

Really?

The artist is present.

Remember that one?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What was that?

It's not an old Marcel Duchamp thing, is it?

Where the urinal?

No.

You didn't sit in a toilet that day and go, oh.

Marina Abramovich.

Oh, her eye.

She's done loads of stuff.

She's in that thing where she was like

running across the Great Wall of China with her boyfriend.

Is that right?

That's one way to fucking end your relationship, isn't it?

That was what it was.

They were like, we're breaking up and we're going to celebrate the end of the relationship by running the length of the Great Wall of China towards each other.

Do you see who dies first?

Towards each other from opposite ends.

I think so.

I mean, yeah, listen, I'm not googling it.

I'm just...

I think that's a job for an electric bike.

Oh, yes.

I need to send it.

We need to sort that out this week because we've only got them to the end of the month.

Can we go in in today?

We probably could go in today, yeah.

Yeah, and electric bikes, my friend.

I don't know.

I'm going to Australia next week.

I don't think I've got time.

Hey there.

What?

I'm going to Australia next week.

When?

When was this discussed?

I think you had casually dropped this in the group chat.

I've said this in person many times, but I can't.

It's because you were saying all this electric bike.

We're going to start a gang, but we need to get the bikes back.

This is like a trial period for being a bike gang.

I think we need to get the bikes back by the end of the month.

But

I think I'll be away by the time we need to hand it back.

When do you leave?

Next Tuesday or something like that.

Still plenty of bike time.

And it'll no be here to hand the fucking bike back, which means one of us, and I say one of us, it'll be me.

And it has to then take his little tiny stabiliser bike back.

Of course, it'll be a tiny bike unusable by other humans.

A trike?

What was the film with the wee person on the trike?

Jigsaw.

Yeah, that was the one.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He should have had an electric bike, and he wouldn't have the pedo as we liked.

Right, well, they've ordered you a bike because you said you wanted one, and now you're going to Australia.

Scheduling mishap.

If they can send it to Australia, I'll ride about the outback, like Mad Max and have the electric bike.

Right, well, Tiso are giving me and Frankie electric bikes.

Yes, that's cool.

What could fucking go wrong?

Well, if Abrima, what's her name?

Abrima Ibramovich?

Maria Abramovich.

Maria Abramovich.

Jesus.

If she wants to redo her art exhibit with electric bikes, with her ex-boyfriend on the Great Wall of China, I think she should be allowed to.

But I can't have a bike.

I think I would just die immediately if I had something like that.

I can get on the old electric bikes, see my friends, the crows.

My friend, the Robin.

What have you been feeding the crows?

The soup.

I've been feeding them cashew nuts, which I have I can only get salted ones in there, so I have been sucking the salt off them

or occasionally washing them off off them in the bathroom of the burrow collection and giving them the crows.

There's so many crows there, and there's such high footfall that the crows don't remember you and don't really give a fuck.

Wow,

really the robin, however, does remember me and he's seeming pretty he's a pretty cheerful fucker.

They are nice for you guys, very round.

Exactly.

That's nice.

I was feeding some crows pulled pork.

Oh, right.

Yeah, they like it.

I've fed a crow ham before.

Yeah.

And he really loved ham.

Yeah, yeah.

And he would bang his

beak in and out of the earth afterwards to clean it.

And I put a thing of this on Instagram and some women was like, you shouldn't shouldn't be giving ham to it.

I'm like, what you want me to change this crow's preferences?

I'm helping a crow here, baby.

Like, get with her, get the fire.

Actually,

don't try and change me, baby.

I'm feeding ham to crows, you lady.

Take me as you find me.

I'm happy, the crow's happy.

You're the only frown I see in this room, baby.

You're the problem, baby.

You got any crow friends?

No, there's a reason for that.

Need that big slice of honey wafer ham in your pocket

if you're gonna go and crow down.

You'd have a different life, eh?

I was doing it in Greyfriars Kirk

with Oink.

Do you know the oink?

Yeah.

Have I spoke about this in the podcast before?

Oink?

Who's been?

Tell Oink.

It's the place with the big pig in the window.

They've got an actual dead pig in the window, and then they rip it off.

Oh man, I couldn't handle that.

You think that, and then you see it, and you're like,

he looks very peaceful with his eyes closed.

Roast.

They chisel a smile on his face post-bed.

The wee thing you put in there, like a cookie cut.

If you saw his actual face, it's like,

I think he looks happy.

And you can get three sizes.

You would hate to order in here, Frankie.

Because you kind of say small, small, medium, or large.

You have to say, can I have a piglet?

Can I have an oink?

Or can I have a grinter?

Get to fuck

to all the listeners.

Can I have a grunt?

Can I have a grunt, please?

I'll have the large, thanks.

So they'll go, oh, do you mean the grunt?

And I'll be like, aye.

Problem to solve.

So we just have to have you hear the phrase.

I'm not your living menu.

I'm not, I don't have to join in.

what's wrong with joining in

joining in with grunter joining in with something some fucking marketing dick thought of when a fucking coat come down you're you're not a joining in guy are you not one of life's joiners i noticed this yesterday me and uh frankie were at a football game yesterday which we won't talk about sorry

but um

our team scored two goals and they were two goals down and they scored two goals and everybody was going mentally.

So, I seen the score when it was 2-0 of the other team,

and I was like, oh, god, they're not gonna be happy.

And then it became, and then it equalised twice, equalised twice, sort of, and the stadium was delirious with excitement, and everybody was jumping about and hugging each other.

And I just seen Frankie, who was standing in front of me, and two people along, just

standing.

You knew it was coming, just standing.

Yeah, I've been cursed with second sight.

I've seen your first sight, and you ended up the wrong row, yes.

Yeah, I had some guys see

some angry dad had to shift me.

What about the kids, though?

The kids with just their singing and shouting at the away fans.

That was very funny.

We were quite close to the away fans, which was like, so the whole thing was like Celtic got beat by Rangers.

If you haven't heard that what we're talking about,

but then you remember, oh, we're like 13 points clear, even after losing it.

So it's kind of like your horse falls at the fucking last hurdle, and then you remember you forgot to put the fucking bet on or something.

Right, right, right.

But looking over at the way fans, I mean, it's you can really see the rise of fascism.

Oh, like you can really see.

So there's like things done in weird, kind of, what would you call it, Nordic fonts?

Yes.

Yes.

They would never look in

an ibrick's stadium crowd and go, oh, there's the Vikings.

Yeah.

It It felt very so.

The fans haven't been in for people who are not up to date with this.

So

Rangers kind of took a bit of the huff for a few years because Celtic kept going to Ibrooks and winning and having a wee party and winning titles and stuff like that.

And they were raging.

So kept us out of Ibrooks.

We kept him out.

It was all very petty and ridiculous.

So they've now came to an agreement to let 3 or 4% of the stadium capacity in their weekend.

Now, as somebody.

3 or 4%.

Yeah, but that's still like 2,000 people.

massive.

So,

as somebody who'd been going to football for a long, long time and was used to going to those games and having, like, I don't know, 10 or 12,000 Rangers fans in, and vice versa at their ground,

it never really kind of bothered me before.

But yesterday, I felt that there was a real shift because it wasn't just like 12,000 football fans just watching a game and singing their songs and wearing their colours.

There was a real

element of alt-right to it, wasn't there?

There was a real element, and I've never,

I can honestly say that when it used to be the way it was just 12,000, it never really felt like that.

There were just fans singing songs, but yesterday felt a bit, oof, this is a bit, um,

this is a wee bit too

fucking right for me, for my liking for the west coast of Scotland.

Like, it's, I know we always go, well, you know, they're for the crown and they're for the monarchy, and we're for this and we're for that.

And

but yesterday it just felt a bit different.

And it wasn't to do the result.

And as soon as I walked in, I was like, this looks different and this feels different.

And I did not like it.

Yeah.

There's like the whole sort of like,

you know, all black and covering your face and all that kind of stuff now that makes kind of ultras look a bit more

you know politic political do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

Like from all football clubs where you sort of just go, oh, that looks more like kind of street fash than

you know, Raging Bears or whatever they have in the past.

I think sometimes

the main thing I think as I get older is, what's how that going to look like in five years?

Do you know what I mean?

You go, five years' time under a reform government.

No, they're going to blow themselves up.

Have you not seen that?

The reform

they uh so the the reform party are all just eating themselves alive, which is standard.

Once Farage is involved, that's what happens, right?

So

some guy, I can't remember his name, um,

basically kind of bad-mouthed Tyson Farage, going, they're no very good.

And uh, they have kind of had this big public display of infighting and a fractionalized party.

So, I now the reform just looked the reform party just look like every other party, which was the whole thing that Farage sold them and not being like every other party.

I don't know though, Susie.

I think sometimes that stuff is like

purging.

Do you know what I mean?

And it's like exerting control, and like

it's the Tories are quite good at hiding it when they do that, and just doing it when they're in power, kind of thing.

And obviously, reform don't have that kind of party discipline or whatever, but there is to some extent, you know, I think them purging themselves of you know

weaker members and non-believers and all that kind of stuff will actually kind of it'll be an incredibly centralized party anyway and and that'll kind of play in their favour do well they've only got five mps so essentially they've lost

quarter they're running at like 20 the polls i know i know I know.

And Badenock's terrible.

I mean, we always knew she was going to be terrible, but she is not performing well as the leader of the Conservative Party.

And Keir Starmer has just become David Cameron.

You know, he's just became that One Nation Tory where he's got his sleeves rolled up and he's using his thumbs to point to things every time he talks.

You're like...

He had his sleeves rolled up, but like, kind of halfway?

Yeah.

I not rolled up like to the elbow.

It was like halfway and they were flapping about.

And you're like, mate, you've never fucking rolled your sleeves up your life.

Like Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen.

Yes.

Yes.

He always had serious, flappy sleeves, that boy.

But do you know what?

That was a man that could carry off that haircut.

He could carry off the look.

There was an attitude to Lawrence Llewellyn Bowling.

There's nothing to cure.

He's probably, he was in the running for the co-host of that fucking

blowjob.

Yeah, yeah.

A great amateur Welsh blowjob with me, Ellis James, and my good friend, Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen.

The potentially deceased interior designer.

Am I here purely because I sound like I've got a Welsh name?

Shut the fuck up, Lawrence.

Shut up.

Shut up and judge the blowjob.

I would love to see

Lawrence Llewellyn Paul give someone blow-joke.

Well, there's like there could be a celebrity episode for cancer.

There's a cancer one.

You get fucking James A.

Caster and fucking.

Alright.

Nothing but love for James A.

Castor on your pod.

He's a very funny guy.

And that show he did was overlooked.

What was it called?

Hypothetical?

Something like that?

What was that about?

It was fucking.

He was fucking good on it.

It was like

they got people on to discuss a whim.

It sounds terrible, but to discuss a whimsical topic.

And then he would have some, the business end of it, like they've prepared stuff and they would just kind of riff around it.

And it was really really great.

But it does look a bit like one of the pictures of Bible John,

right?

You think he kissed the

who's who's to say?

Well, you were doing off-menu with him.

Yeah, did he ever seem like he'd been in Glasgow before?

Was there a vibe?

Was there a biblical vibe?

There was.

He spoke bitterly about people menstruating in the crowd.

Yeah.

Fuck's sake.

I can smell it.

Don't know that.

I mean, I've got a pal who's a Rangers fan.

Babel John.

Babel John must have been a Paris bun.

Fuck's sake.

Big time, man.

Paris Bun is never funny.

Babel Bash and Ginger can.

Sounds a bit funny.

It might not have been ginger.

Do you know that?

Because the police artist

was

the police artist based it on his son or something.

What?

Yeah, I know this because the police artist was the father-in-law of my Jungian clay therapist.

Right, we need to get into this.

What happened there?

A Jungian clay therapist contacted me and said.

Can we pause there?

Yep.

Can you explain what I obviously carry Jung?

Yep.

The cycle.

I think you can piece this together.

What is a clay therapist, though?

I've never heard that in my life.

What material do you think they might use to critically?

Yes.

But what does that mean?

It means.

Well, I can.

I'll break it down for you.

Right, please.

You go into the room.

There's three sinks, right?

One is filled with warm water, one with sand,

one with

liquid clay.

And at the end, there's a there's a big box of like uh

you know your proper molding clay and they give you some kind of headphones that have theta wave generating sounds right

so it's a bit like what is a theta wave it'd be the different types of brain activity waves are uh you know alpha waves is what you get when you're watching television and you go into a kind of almost like a trance

and alpha waves are what like um a meditative state state.

Ceter waves are supposedly attached to the unconscious.

You put your hands in the warm water, you play about with the sand a bit, you stick your hands in the wet clay, and then you mould something from,

I would say, your unconscious, Jung would say the collective unconscious.

The recesses of your mind.

And I made a quite an elaborate, funneled, disturbing, like

gurneck of clay.

Yeah, I see.

It looked like the First World War.

It did.

I seen an arse.

Oh, did you?

Yeah.

Well, I was thinking, because it's just me and this woman alone this time.

I hope none of this looks sexual.

Because you have a blindfold on, right?

You have a blindfold on.

Oh, wow, okay.

That's quite an important detail.

So at the unveiling, she's like, well, let's see what you made.

Because it's very sort of Bruce Fusa.

And there's two big fucking like balls that are stuck in the middle of it.

And I'm like, oh, that's not great, is it?

And then they dropped off at one point.

And I kind of stuck them back on.

And she sends you, like, a kind of breakdown of what happened.

Um,

or the session, exactly.

Um, and it she mentions this.

He'd stuck these kind of balls back on, like it perhaps had in a kind of psychological significance, which maybe it did.

My fear of castration or whatever.

Yeah, I don't know.

Wow, you fear a dog ownership, maybe?

Could be.

Yeah.

You're not scared of dog ownership.

You're scared of

it.

I just think it would be a disaster round for me, for the dog, or society.

The way society is now, I'm not sure you having a dog is going to be what tips it over the fucking precipice.

So, is this available if you in the borough now next to your installation?

It ought to be.

But to get back to my original point, a Jungian clay therapist was distantly related to the police artist who drew Bible John.

And she said he

said he just based it on his kid.

And the kid had red hair.

So he might not have had red hair.

So hold on, right.

Hold on.

So

the photo fit that we all recognise as Bible John is now not actually Bible John because he just looked like his kid.

I'll show you the two pictures later.

See this photo fit guy?

He shouldn't have been doing that job.

You kind of just draw the hangs that you're used to drawing or that you like drawings.

Do Do you know what was one of the first photo fits?

Wow.

What's that?

First ever?

That's like if you're like, I usually draw kind of anime.

Is it okay if I do a kind of anime photo fit of Bible John?

He's not a Japanese, you know, Attack on Titan guy.

I've just drawn a wine glass and an apple.

Yeah.

That's a guy.

Bible John reflected.

So it's my wine glass.

I think that's him, but it's stunning, still live.

Bible John naked in front of a ball of

It's nice.

You can't tell if he's smiling or frowning, and his eyes seem to follow you around.

What was my point?

I've got a pal who's a Rangers fan, and he was saying there was a Rangers game.

Who were they playing?

Some European team, I mean?

Benerbachi.

Fenner Bachi.

Where are they from?

Turkey.

Right.

Istanbul.

Okay, they were playing Fenerbachi, and Ahmed Skroll was unveiled in the crowd.

This is hilarious.

And he said that a lot of you know, listen, he's a Rangers

sympathist.

Do I know this guy?

Yeah.

Alright, okay.

He's a sympathiser.

And but he said that a lot of the Rangers fans were like, fucking hell, that's just so Facebook duh

fascist coded.

was it to protect Europe from woke ideologies yes it was that's what Protestantism is yep it's a European woke ideology

it is it is it was that's how it was it was brought into the world by you know a German who was like let's have a different Christian denomination from Catholicism because they're like

they're charging everybody money charging everybody money and it shouldn't be like that so let's have a more democratic type church, and that's what that is.

And lo and behold, it's now

woke ideology.

I think it's my controversial opinion on this podcast, but it was a good idea.

Protestism was a good idea initially.

Not only was

communism, mate,

Protestantism was good,

and John Knox was pretty much right.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

He was about predestination

about

just

the royal family in Scotland and the fucking excesses of the aristocratic class here.

And, you know,

he was kind of right about it all.

It was a nice idea.

They get too far, maybe.

It was a decent gun to let things get out of hand.

Much like Gaddafi, maybe.

We've all been at the house.

We've all been at the house parties.

We've all been at the hoose parties.

It starts off, you've only said to six people, before you know it, you've got 60 and your huss is trashed.

But it is right, but then fundamentally, I just think it's a

I think to protest against another faith, because that's what it kind of feels like to a degree.

Because it's not people who are like those people that unveiled that banner are not Christians, they are not going to church, they are not worshipping Christ or any of that stuff.

They're just protesting because they don't like that other religion.

That's fucked up, That's weird.

But they're still kind of doing it.

So like yesterday, it was kind of like you're like, oh fuck, all your songs are either about Ireland or parodies of Celtic songs.

The famine is over and all this stuff.

And you're kinda like,

you didn't suffer from Irish immigration.

Like neither did your da, neither did your grandda.

Like some kind called fucking Stuart from fucking Newton Mearns.

You're one of the people in the world who suffered the least from Irish immigration.

You had the most

protected jobs in the British Empire.

Like, you ran closed shops for all the good jobs.

Yeah, and a bit gerrymandered.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

I mean, a gerrymandered state to a degree, you know, right up and probably right up until the liberation of the 60s and the 70s.

And then even then.

That's Northern Ireland.

I mean, most of these counts have no connection to Northern Ireland.

No.

Like, and

loads of the Irish immigration, even from the period when it first started to cause

like a backlash in Scotland, was seasonal.

Like, so people came over, my granny came over and picked potatoes in Ayrshire, and then you go back to Ireland, or you come over and you manage to get a job in fucking Dixon's Blazes or something for like nine months, and that's enough money to fucking go back to Donegal, right?

That's kind of what it was.

The idea that, oh, we've suffered from it from immigration, why don't you go home?

You've suffered absolutely nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

And it's, it's and you've got no intergenerational trauma from it either because chances are your whole family has just been in a position of being advantaged.

But it's weird.

I just don't know how you can live in this city and grow up in this city and be surrounded by poverty and the poverty that's in this city and then be like,

bloody love the monarchy.

You're like, what?

But also, you've just invented something.

Like, it's the level of invention to go, I'm angry about something from 100 to 150 years ago that didn't happen.

Yeah.

You know, and I'm transposing it onto now when there's all this fucking stuff to be angry about.

You're like, what?

What goes on in your fucking head?

But then that's the kind of level of selfishness, isn't it?

To go, I'm alright, my kids are alright.

I've got a job.

I've got the nice house.

I've got the nice castle.

You know, fuck you, but don't you come anywhere near me because you might threaten my existence.

And you're like, well, that's never going to happen.

This is my palsy.

This is a big thing with understanding Trump.

So they went to some Trump rallies to do an article.

And they said, those people aren't poor.

No.

They're the fucking petty bourgeoisie.

They own fucking, you know, car dealerships and fucking ski shops and all that kind of stuff.

That's who they are.

They're trying to protect their bit.

Let's two rungs up from, you know, all the people that are getting ultra-exploited.

I'm kind of hoping that this is going to come true, right?

But I think Trump's kind of fucked it because the economy is gonna go into recession, right?

So they didn't have that under fucking Papa Joe.

But I feel as if now people in Europe are starting to look at America and look at Trump and go,

maybe that fucking right wing thing, isn't he that great an idea?

And they're looking at GD Vance

and I'm looking at the kind of French and stuff in um Canada.

I mean Canada's a great example where Mark Carney, former um Bank of England guy, is going to stand,

but he's obviously a Democrat.

And the Canadians have just done an absolute 360, and even though they were quite a liberal country, but they were moving to the right, and it looked like the right were going to get in.

And as soon as Trump said that about Canada and Mark Carney's came out, and it's about standing up to Trump, the whole country's done a fucking 360 and he is sky high in the polls.

But then he's like an international banker, used to be the head of the Bank England.

I mean, he's like one of the worst people people in the world.

And it's like a kind of

like him last stand of the forces of old evil against kind of Darth Vader versus Emperor, essentially.

Yeah.

But

I'll take old evil

over

people that don't like fucking homosexuals and people with different coloured skins.

I mean, it can get worse.

But it's also the thing with like Celic Maloney in Italy.

It's like she's not really brought in a full fashion programme.

So she stands as a kind of like a proper far-right person.

But when she gets in, she's kind of like,

really, what I'm about is serving power.

What does power want?

And Kierstarma is the same.

You know, and freaking Kier Starmer meets her and did the photo op, didn't he?

And you're just like, yeah, well, of course you do, because you're pretty similar in terms of your

aims.

You're just trying to serve power.

And they're just going, what do you want, guys?

We'll do it.

That's pretty much it.

How you phrase it is just how you get elected.

I genuinely

fucking

that Labour Party, honestly, I cannot believe they are going to cut fucking benefits.

Like, so we've now got Austerity Mark II coming in for our most vulnerable in society.

And you know what?

I might hate that under the Tories, but I'm not surprised.

But that fucking Labour Party are an actual disgrace.

They should just stop calling themselves the Labour Party.

It's a fucking disgrace, and he should be ashamed of himself.

What better names for the party, Jenny?

Could be cunts.

I fucking hate them.

You would get a lot of votes in Scotland if you're the Cunt Party.

I'll vote for the Cunts.

Nah, it's just shocking though, isn't it?

It's shocking

what he's doing.

And even fucking Labour MPs are like...

But yeah, but you get Rachel Reeves and stuff have been saying that they wanted to do austerity for like 10 years.

That's what they said 10 years ago.

They're like, if we come out power, we'll be really ramping up austerity again.

And then

they said that's what they wanted to do, and then they did it.

Is that anything where they can kind of do it more effectively than the Tories?

Because there's a kind of backlash.

And I mean, the Democrats could kind of arm Israel more effectively than Trump can, really, because you know

they kind of have more license, you know.

So

remember, like fucking David Cameron Committee tried to like

privatise the woodlands.

He's like, I'm going to sell off fucking Britain's Woodlands, and there was an uproar and they couldn't do it kind of thing.

And like George Mumbai wrote a column and he was like, if that was Blair, he would have managed that because he would have had some returning woodlands to community ownership, but you know, some fucking bullshit way of framing it, you know,

Cameron, that's a bigger risk for Cameron because that is a high Tory.

Like if you like the Forest of Dean or any of that shite, that is all high concentrated Tory voting areas.

So it was a bigger risk for him than it would have been Blair because they only gave Blair the vote as a loan-off.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

One of the things, like, in Britain, is people with real power don't really fucking stay there anymore.

Do you know what I mean?

So, like,

they would happily fucking concrete over the whole thing for an extra ten bob.

That's Brexit, wouldn't it?

I mean, look at Cameron, no fucking skin in the game for Cameron, was there?

He doesn't have to be here.

Yeah.

Also, like, if his kids want to go and fucking study abroad, they can, because they've got the money.

You know, but your kids and my kids, Chris, will not be able to do that.

Do you understand?

I feel bad for my children, man.

A, the kind of ghost out they be, they don't ever exist.

They don't exist.

Doomed to limbo.

And they have to go to Kylie Uni.

It's just not right.

Do you think they still exist in Limbo, whether you have them or not?

Yeah.

Like potential.

The infinite multiverse of unborn children are out there.

Just spunk that never got junked, you know?

That only got junked.

It's a shame, but I'm sure they're a beautiful bunch.

Or an angry horde.

Furies that have never been born.

Working on occult measures to enter our dimension.

There is a plane somewhere where it's just

infinite versions of me and they're just writhing, begging to be born.

With tails.

With tails.

Some of them have tails.

Many of them have tails.

i'm the only version of me that doesn't have a tool unfortunately i'd love a tail i would just like little versions of you just running about yeah it'd be good i wouldn't mind having a baby but yeah i've got a lot on a lot of switch games to work my way through oh yeah yeah been playing kingdom come to live ons too frankly oh wow i um couldn't i was trying to say to thor yesterday oh christopher's downloaded that game where you're kind of king in bavaria and he was like what are you talking about and i was like, Gates of Heaven 2.

Gates of Heaven, is that not a documentary about people who committed mad suicide?

Yeah, fuck's sake.

So, hopefully, hasn't going to look that up.

What's Gates of Heaven?

Gates of Heaven was like, uh, was it when they were saying the aliens were going to come and we're all going to look up and see them come, and then we'll drink this drink?

And then, was that a different?

Am I combining?

I think you're combining James, uh, you're combining Jones to

Wait, Jim Jones?

Gates of Heaven.

Or is Gates of Heaven not a Vim Vendors film with Peter Falk as an angel?

Of course Columbo's in it.

Of course.

One more thing.

Now, um, my Mrs.

Columbo loves Jonestown.

She loves Kool-Aid.

But what is the stuff you get in there?

You're not going to believe this,

but we're all wrong.

Gates of Heaven is a 1978 American independent documentary film

produced and directed by Errol Morris, you know, famous documentarian, about the pet cemetery business.

Oh, I see.

Ah, okay.

So wait, you're talking about the Mass Suicide documentary?

I mean,

you're still a you're not.

Is it not Wings of Desire?

Wings of Desire, yeah.

That's what you said to your son.

Christopher's downloading the new video, King.

Gates of Desire 2.

Or you're a Bavarian king.

You're stealing Goroshin from people's uh but but you have downloaded what's it called?

Kingdom Come Kingdom Come 2.

Kingdom Come Deliverance 2 I think or Kingdom Deliverance.

That's one of those companies.

You start off as a Bavarian peasant with a view to becoming king of Bavaria.

You're a noble sideman.

And then

what platform are you playing this on?

The Xbox Series X.

It'll be available on the PS5.

And PC.

What about the Switch?

What about the Switch?

No, it's too heavy for the Switch.

Switch cannot cope.

Switch cannot cope.

Even the switch 2 that's coming out could not cope with this game.

Kingdom Come 2 Deliverance is a heavy, heavy game.

You can't have that.

What have you been up to?

Rescued by a little

forest woman who brews

malady restoring potions.

And her daughter, she was exiled from the group because she was used as many

witches,

witch doctors are often she was a midwife and the local noble his wife was having a difficult pregnancy the baby miscarried the woman died even with her help she was exiled from the community and her daughter fell in love with a local butcher and they ran off to the woods to party but the the grieving father the noble he was in the pub going i fucking can't stand that old woman and her her daughter.

They killed my baby, they killed my wife.

One of his underlings went out to the forest to kidnap her.

Didn't realize the boyfriend was there in a panic, caved his head in, well, brick.

Now I'm trying to go in the forest and find his blood everywhere.

I've got my dog sniffing a rag to try and find this woman.

I find them.

I rescue the girl.

from being kidnapped by this guy.

Something's went wrong.

She stabs him through the belly.

Then I have to go back to him and go, can you please forgive this this woman for what she's done and just set this to rest he refused to I killed him and I was brandied on the neck they put a hot poker on my neck that says murderer and now I can't even buy fruit

so I've mostly been fucking doing that it's been great

I know that the fascism

is on the horizon and rapidly coming into focus but my god you can just disappear and you don't heed

It's a some game.

I mean, it's really some see to be fair.

I was actually quite invested in this.

Even you started telling me of the

kind of guy with a grudge, and I'm like, I'm so into this.

You're not supposed to snap this count's neck, but I kind of broke the game.

You know, King Henry II, when he said,

Who will rid me of this troublesome priest, Thomas Beckett?

Right?

I often think,

That's not true.

You know, that thing where he's like, I was just saying who will kill the fucking guy.

I was just

trying to suck to get a drink in here.

I was actually begging to be Lawrence Leland Baller and the great Welsh fucking blowjob.

We'd all had a few drinks in Siddley.

These can't snip off and kill.

And like, no, you told them to.

It's a bit like Trump and the insurrection.

I've got no idea how they all came out of the Capitol building and invaded it and threatened to hang Mike Pence and Nancy Pelosi.

I've got no idea what possibly triggered that.

It's very Henry II of you, you can't.

The reason I was able to snap his neck was because I was in the pub and it was these four Kunans who are like Hungarian nomads and they were kind of

being noisy and they didn't really speak English and I was having to act as the waiter because the waitress was intimidated by them but they were kind of sound but the locals all were like get out of here you foreign bastards and then there was a big brawl and the guy who I was supposed to convince he was in the deck, and I just went over and snapped his unconscious neck, and that's why I got branded as some game.

See, to be honest, like, I mean, I'm quite invested in this story now, right?

But I'm also thinking, this seems like a lot of thought for a game.

You're just honestly, the other day, I just didn't do any me stuff, and I was just in medieval Hungary for like a day.

Maybe we should get into Twitch.

Do you know what I mean?

Our Twitch channel.

I know I've long talked of our DND campaign, but we struggle.

We struggle to generate the income required.

Remember the time you fucking tweeted

Richard Branson going, you want airline, you can't you?

Yeah, he said, oh, I'm out doing an environmental project at the fucking ice caps.

I was like, you want an airline, you might can't you?

And he released some statement about it, going, yeah, we all use planes, even comedians.

And you're like, I don't, I can't.

You do take boats to New York and stuff.

Aye, aye.

No, I don't.

I've never taken a boat to New York.

What are you talking about?

I thought you did.

No.

How did you get to America?

I...

No, I'm not throwing you up as an ecoterrorist.

You're a Hungarian noble.

Teleported this.

I would uh

I would love to take a boat, sell a big long boat, sit with a book, and really just think about it.

In reality, though, it's all gonna go odd and it flies.

You get fucking the fucking engine brakes down in the middle of the fucking Atlantic, you're fighting off some fucking guys from the

crew with your fucking broom handle for two days.

I think I've kind of put a bit of

a bit of roly-poly in the last couple of months because I'm in a new relationship and I'm eating a lot of dinners.

Is that a euphemism?

I'm eating a lot of dinners.

And I feel like I'm getting to the point where I would make an absolutely beautiful marbled piece of pork,

you know, like of my own flesh.

A grunter.

I would be the grinter.

You'd be an oink.

Ah, yeah, I would be.

I'm more than a piglet, but I'm not quite a grinter, and I'm an oink.

Can I just say, you don't look like you've put on anything?

You know, Hinks?

No, you look great.

You look great, Christopher.

You look great.

You look great.

This podcast is metal.

You look smashing.

They never talk about this in the rest of his politics.

They never talk about how they want to get cannibalised on a boat.

Bore's probably got a fucking desire for that.

He's ate flesh.

He's ate flesh and he's had bits of himself eaten while he's still alive.

I think it's a good idea.

And a heroin, but really his arsehole.

Yeah.

Just take a slice of my arsehole, though.

I was in Afghanistan and, yeah, the locals wanted to eat my asshole.

So I let them.

What's wrong with that?

You know?

Why?

I was smoking hashish and I was getting my bum holing.

Centrism produces bad art and bad thought, man.

There's just so much of this fucking.

Is this enough for everybody?

I won't say what it is, but I've been reading a book lately that it did pretty well.

People like it.

And you're just like, this is fucking terrible.

And maybe what they like is that it is terrible.

You know?

Maybe as you said, when I discussed this with you, you said people like shit stuff,

yeah,

they simply did it.

There's a lot of bad stuff out there.

90%, I've said it before, I'll say it again: 99.9%

of everything is shite, yeah.

And you have to go through that to find the 0.1%

of stuff that's amazing, and that stuff is good enough that it justifies the rest.

And you need to be comfortable, but I need to be comfortable knowing that some of the stuff I do is part of the 99.9%, but you're just aiming as an artist to try and

debate some of that

burping as I make my point about how some of this

I just try to

perfection of a guts you know

oh no

I'm going through that

I'm going through that process writing my new show because I just go ah it's not as good as the last show, and it's not as good as do you know what I mean?

But you just have to, it has to be shape for a wee bit before it's good, you know, and you just need to be comfortable going,

I had two rough working progresses on Thursday.

It wasn't my fault, it was the shape of the room.

But now I've done two working progresses that flinned up yesterday and the day before that, and they were really nice.

And I was like, it was a room.

But also, it was, it was in some level, it was me as well.

But yeah, the show, it's just, it's just being an artist in it.

You just need to be comfortable that the first sketch you do is not going to be the same as the final hang into it.

Yeah, totally, totally that.

Totally that.

It's just, yeah.

It's just sifting through it, isn't it?

It's just sifting through it and getting to where you need it to be.

But it's just the process.

But that's what we're in it for.

Do you know what I mean?

So, that is what it is.

It is what it is.

I tell you what it is.

It fucking beats going and working in an office.

Never done it?

No.

This is a this is my office job, brilliant.

This is our office job.

You don't think so, Susie?

We're not in an office.

Andy's sort of our boss.

Do you know?

You mean Andy's our boss?

He beats me when he's only looking more for a big wicker wand.

Did you see when we came into this room?

This might not be interesting to listen to, but when we came out of this room in the corner, there was a hamper, and on top of the wicker hamper, there was a signed copy of Lorraine Kelly's new book.

And I assumed that this was some kind of religious text that we were going to be

getting into.

But now I look over and the hamper's gone.

They moved it away from us.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So the new guy with the curly hair went, Andy Shall we move this?

And I was like, They don't trust us with a hamper or a Lorraine Kelly novel.

Which I think was in the hamper.

I'm assuming Lorraine Kelly's true form.

I think you're kind of thinking about it this wrong way around.

Lorraine Kelly's given someone a signed book and a hamper, and they've just fucked it into a corner.

Do you know what I mean?

And I think

perhaps her and Dez are rival magicians.

The shifters.

The prestige.

Like in the prestige, or what's this, the sword and the stone, the Disney kind of uh Merlin, Merlin versus uh, Morgan La Faye, right?

Um, and I guess Dez is Merlin,

and Lorraine Kelly would be kind of Morgan La Faye.

I think, I think Lorraine has Lafe La Faye energy, you know, it's always Lorraine La Faye, it's it's almost as if she's putting it and rubbing our noses in the fact that she's a elder witch.

And if it follows strict uh Arthurian lore, she's going to trap Dez in a tree.

And Dez kind of knows this and lets it happen.

Anyway.

This is terrible news for the live show.

Yeah.

Well, hopefully.

I'm sure Lorraine will still be able to make it.

I'm sure Lorraine.

Despite half her brain power being used to freeze him out.

It could be Lorraine in Dez's form that we meet tomorrow.

We don't know.

We don't know.

Yeah.

We don't know then Lorraine.

If Kelly had given me a hamper and a book, I would be like, let's get this somewhere safe.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

I want my.

I want my.

My autographed national treasure.

Let's put this in a Perspex prison.

Yes.

My sunblushed tomatoes

and autobiography.

Was that kind of witchery that she was doing when she said, oh, that's not...

Well, the thing about paying my taxes is that Lorraine Kelly, the character, was doing that as opposed to Lorraine Kelly.

What was that thing she was talking about?

Remember that?

Alright, so it was like a tax thing where

she was like, like

I'm not employed by these companies.

They are

contractually licensing like the the the personality, Larry and Kelly, which like it sounds fucking ridiculous, but when they do like big contracts for things, they d they you are like licensing the artist.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

A loan agreement is a little bit more like that.

Yeah, exactly.

Let's call it a loan agreement.

So um th I I guess there was some wiggle room there, and HMRC looked at it and went, no.

Come on.

Come on, Tifa.

You're a very powerful witch, but we have our own power.

And she would have flicked through forms as she attempted to debate with them, and they would have said, stabilise your form.

Yeah.

And, you know,

pay your tax.

Decide how many eyes and limbs you have, and then pay it.

You know,

stop consulting your Grimlair.

Yeah.

Yeah.

there is a thing though, where HMRC

being HMRC

are going, oh, yeah, be self-employed and do that.

And you go, all right, okay, and then they're like, I, but you're kind of employed, and you're like, I'm not employed by them.

You, uh, I'm essentially a subcontractor, and they're like, hmm,

because it's fucking HMRC, and they're desperate for the cash.

But also, sometimes you can really see the point because people work mainly for one thing and they're paid millions of pounds.

And And they go, I don't really work for that.

I don't see it that way.

And you're like, well, well, ah, yeah,

everything's here.

Everything's here for you.

Basically, the studio's here, the camera people are here, the production team's here, everything's there for you.

It wouldn't be somebody else coming in to do the TV show, Lorraine.

Tell you what, if they want to tax my, and they do, my £84

per week podcast money, as if I'm employed by you are not getting the £84 per second.

Is it going up?

My numbers went up a lot.

This is now a profitable business.

Really?

Is it profitable enough we can start doing DD?

Possibly, yeah, yeah.

All right.

Holy shit.

Here we go.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We'll take you, we'll take you through it at lunchtime.

Susie, if you enjoyed that story about the

nobleman and his,

I mean, we could, that's basically what Dungeon Dragons is like.

It's just, you know, we can.

Here's how I see it.

Why don't you take me on a Dungeons and Dragons journey?

Would you be the the Dungeon Master or you want me to be a double dumb?

No, no, no.

This is why we need the money.

We need someone who knows what they're fucking doing and how to play Dungeons and Dragons.

Because there's a lot of, oh, I've got a fucking plus one armor class and that.

Does that mean I forgot that?

No, no, no, no, no.

Do we need someone who'll just be able to breeze over it and go, oh no, that doesn't, you know.

A Matthew Mercer or something like that.

So Laurie Penny was up for it, but she lives in London.

And we need to pay her because she needs to write the fucking thing.

Need someone to go up to London and play a wee game.

Just get some guy for the fucking Buchanan Galleries Games Workshop.

Shooting me in here.

Small time.

And this is a big time fucking viewing podcast.

Do you know the thing, right?

Can I be honest?

I feel as if Frankie can't do a small scale D.

I think he's wanting everything all into because see if this person gets it wrong, you're going to be annoyed.

No, I transform this radio desk into a landscape with like little felt trees and you want

Susie to see the river.

It's tinfoil river here.

Of course, we'll want that, but let's start small and build up.

We've been starting small

the whole fucking year.

We've not even started at all.

That's how small we've started.

Other candidates?

Robert Florence.

Yeah, yes, I think that would be.

Well, then we don't know offense to Laurie Penny, but we're going to be paying for somebody to stay at the Ibis just for this, you know.

Whereas

Ibis, you know,

Rob Florence.

Rob Florence, I would love to have him in as a dungeon master because he lives in Hellsborough.

Quit,

stop doxing people where they live.

It is known where he lives.

Someone who's very keen to join an adventuring party is my son.

Yes.

Okay.

Thor.

So Thor

is who has the greatest name, doesn't he?

Yeah, but hopefully his DD name will be like Stephen or something like that.

That would be amazing.

Stuart.

Did you pick that name?

Was that your name?

Yeah, well, he was in early Sinbad.

Come on!

Shut up.

You were going to call him Sinbad?

He was in the mix.

The actor who was in Jingle All the Way.

Sinbad.

Hold on.

Sinbad Boyle.

Is that what you think when you hear the name Sinbad?

I think Brookside.

You don't think Sinbad the Sailor?

Sinbad was the sailor.

Sinbad, I think, of, I think.

The actor from Jingle All the Way.

And I think the guy from Brookside.

You've got some extremely fucked up Sinbad priorities.

Do you know what I mean?

Fuck, Sinbad was a sailor, and it's your, it's, do you know what it is?

It's your ignorance of Muslim culture

shown through again.

I'm sorry, man.

I've been trying to read that.

Although, we don't know the guy in Brookside wasn't

Muslim.

Hold on, though, can we go back to DD?

Right, so

if we could rub Florence in, because tell me, well, I don't even know what you would do.

We don't, they would dress up.

What goes on?

We don't need to dress up, but I'm going to.

So, you choose your character right and you roll for your character and there's various classes is this like monopoly when you go i'll go the wee dug no it's much more complicated

i feel you're trying to build weedug can't fucking give you bardic inspiration but do you not think it'd be cool if you were playing monopoly and you were like do you know what see because i'm the doug i can get an extra dice roll if someone's eating crisps at the table or something like that do you know what i mean if there was these kind of these kind of roles the hat has certain powers or the iron,

you can

make someone miss their turn if you roll a six or something like that with iron power.

It could be nice.

If you get a bonus power, not try to enter someone.

Imagine you start playing Monopoly in somebody's house.

They fucking in laws or whatever.

We've played slightly differently in the past.

The dog has powers.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Right, so you roll for your thing, right?

So let's just say I'll go, I'm going to be a wizard.

Yes, yes, exactly.

Right?

so I go a wizard and then what happens well you can you can you would you aren't you like different bits and then there's like classes so you can be like a

part wizard part mason you know but it's like the type of person you're so you're an orc wizard yeah which wouldn't be very good because you're like certainly very good at it an elf wizard would be an elf wizard

yeah you can be a gnome

you can be i think i'm a better elf than a gnome you would be a good elk and a good an elk you'd be a good elf right i don't know the difference between an elf and an elk, but keep going.

And it usually starts in like a pub, and it's just like you walk out of a tavern.

Yeah, you walk in, you're a wizard, you walk out of the pub.

What do you do?

Have a beer?

You go up, you say Bucky.

You go to the bar, you say, Bucky, what's going on?

I'll say, have you in the beer?

I'm dealing with these gnomes downstairs higher the function suite.

So I'm kicking off.

You want to go in and sort it out?

Give me your beer for free.

Fucking full moon.

and be drinking, you know, a buck fast.

We have a buck fast, but they'd have some kind of fortified wine made by the meat.

So the paladins up in the monastery have been making this super powerful wine.

The gnomes in the function room have been drinking it.

You would you go in and sort that out?

I'll give you maybe a room and board for the night.

Right, okay.

I'm off and we missions.

So people will ask you stuff like that, and you can go, yeah, oh, I don't know about that.

And you basically decide how you go about things.

amazing but the dungeon master has to have written it so there's a bit of work for them so we need to pay them okay and we we don't need to pay for

no um but we child labour one of the benefits

fantastic but we probably need someone else in the party because there's only that's four issues but you can have three or four people can't you i feel four and a dungeon master

that's a gig man it's a gig it's a lineup but i sort of feel you know you want you want a varied team so you want a wizard you want a barbarian you want a you know perhaps a cowardly bard or something like that

you can be a cowardly rogue um

but you know you need kind of a healer or something like that or maybe a paladin or something it feels to me like there's room for another body

i've done a dungeon dragons uh podcast before got you

and it was me Roscoe was not very good at it.

He wasn't really interested in playing by the rules.

Liam Whiffwell was so the party was Marilyn Robertson.

She was a Ranger.

She never really figured out how to fight in it, so she was always missing arrows and stuff because she was rolling the wrong dice.

She got confused.

It was like Sloss, War,

Whiffnail.

I think comedy full of people with OCD, which is not necessarily that great for board games.

Yeah.

So what we need is like w who's a comedian who doesn't have...

Could get Wiffnell and he was quite good.

He was a bird.

He was a bird.

Maybe we need a woman.

We need a bit of variety in the woman.

My earliest moved to London.

He had a ranger down there.

I don't know.

We'll try and find someone.

I'm on that wire.

Don't know if she can play it, but we can.

How can he play it?

Oh, that's like we can have you can have one person who can who doesn't know the rules.

Right.

And we can all work her that but if it's like three people don't know the rules it's like let the blind leading the blind

you know

i don't know if it's offensive to blind people

is it

they heard it incredibly clearly

you know what i mean they seen my lips moving in a hateful bigoted way daredevil yeah shout out to the blind people

um but it's something to think about isn't it something to think about the old the dungeons and dragons thing i'm going to put a call out to the female comedians of this world Who knows about the Indy?

Who knows about Dungeons and Dragons and when are you next in Gloria?

Also, they just have to have a bit of thing for role play.

You have to get into your character.

My character.

A cowardly, gay druid called Falderall.

Falderall!

Falderall!

Yeah, he just says his own name all the time.

I love Camp Frankie.

I love Camp Frankie.

Well, we want people who can throw themselves into him.

I love the Cloud of Gath.

I'd imagine he would say quite a lot.

He does often rely, he relies too heavily on his fog spells.

But

we want to throw ourselves into this, like theatre kids.

Yes.

I was Ovac the Wolf Splitter.

I was a princess

barbarian.

When you splitting that wolf from.

And I was like a Tory, and so it was great.

I would always be like wanting to go to better hotels and stuff.

And I'm no sleeping in in the ground.

I'm going to go try and find somewhere nicer and stuff like that.

And

really horrible women.

This is just a fag paper away from your actual person.

4.5 on trip advisor.

Little Princess Christopher.

Are you

hungry?

Oh, yeah.

Let's go to China, see

and get the express lunch.

You're going to call it the businessman's, don't you?

The businessman's lunch.

The businessman's lunch.

I think let's explore our options.

Okay, okay.

Oh, interesting.

You're not for a china, see?

Listen next week, loyal listener, as he finds out where we went for lunch.

Thank you for listening to Here Comes the Guillotine with Frankie Boyle, Susan McCabe, and Christopher MacArthur Boyd.

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