Love Is a Truffle

Speaker 1 Here Comes the Guillotine contains offensive language, mature content, and adult themes.

Speaker 2 It is not suitable for a younger audience.

Speaker 3 This is a global player original podcast.

Speaker 2 Hello, and welcome to Here Comes the Guillotine. I'm Frankie Boyle, and I'm going to be talking to Susie McCabe and Christopher MacArthur Boyd.

Speaker 4 Right, mailbag time?

Speaker 4 Okay, I have one here. You gotta do a ton, Jim, thank you.

Speaker 4 Do the swing.

Speaker 2 Welcome to the mailbag. It's the mailbag.
It's for you.

Speaker 2 Welcome to the mailbag. It's a

Speaker 2 jail and it's a zoo.

Speaker 4 It's beautiful.

Speaker 4 Alright, good evening, guillotiners. Obviously, been sent late in the evening.
My problem is that my friends seem to be more racist than I first thought.

Speaker 2 Oh.

Speaker 4 This is brutal. In the big group chat with my pals, a differing of opinions has emerged.
Historically, there have been some jokes thrown around which could be considered a bit risky.

Speaker 4 I've always taken these jokes with a pinch of salt and assume there was a sense of irony surrounding them. However, recently it feels like the curtain has been lifted.

Speaker 4 Some of my pals are expressing their views around reform.

Speaker 4 This is the only party offering the way forward as the usual rhetoric and also the nonsense that comes with boats being espouted.

Speaker 4 I know that those I'm closer to in the group chat who I see more in person have more reasonable and rational views.

Speaker 4 In person, those that I would more readily call my friends do not believe or express these embarrassing views. But how do I go about broaching the subject with the others in the group chat?

Speaker 4 Is it one of these challenging these views in person?

Speaker 4 But how would you go about it? And when you see people less and less in person and they are expressing increasingly hateful rhetoric online, I mean, who wants to take that first?

Speaker 2 Leave your group chat. Yep.
Start a new group chat with the people you like. Fascists in it.

Speaker 2 I think that's not an explicitly anti-fascist group chat. If you're tolerating people who are saying racist stuff, then what does that say about you?

Speaker 2 I'd love to hear an example of some of these jokes that he thought was. I mean, I thought everybody.
Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 A lot of times people use jokes to kind of soft launch

Speaker 2 their ideology

Speaker 2 but it's a wee bit like that thing of like the Nazi bar do you know what I mean you show up in your favorite bar and there's a Nazi there and you go okay he's not really bothering anybody then the next week there's two Nazis you go well they've got swastikas or you know neck tattoos of the number 88 or something but they seem alright.

Speaker 2 And then the next thing you know,

Speaker 2 there's everybody's a Nazi there. And you're like, oh, I go to a Nazi bar because I didn't actually

Speaker 2 hear you fuck off the first time a Nazi showed up. Do you know what I mean? It's kind of like a Hydra from the Disney film Hercules.

Speaker 4 See, personally, I don't think I could be fucking friends with fascist bastards.

Speaker 4 I don't, I just, I just kind of.

Speaker 4 So last night I had a bit of a thing. I jumped onto Instagram and there was a long-standing friend of mine with a union jack

Speaker 4 and a like fucking free speech or some shite slogan. And I just instantly blocked him.

Speaker 4 And I've been friends with that person for 30 years and I just thought, nah, I've got fucking nothing in common with you anymore. Because if that's your starting point,

Speaker 4 where does it end? And there's no rationale with that.

Speaker 2 Was that a story or was it the grid?

Speaker 4 A story. But I'm just like, I can't sit you down.

Speaker 4 I can't have the conversation with you because if you're now posting that up in a public forum, I sure you're as guilty as those people that were fucking marched through London or

Speaker 4 any of that. Anybody, it's like England for the English or Britain for the British.
I just can't be fucked with you, so I'm just going to cut them out of my life.

Speaker 4 And it's not because they don't agree with me, it's because I know ultimately we're going to get to a position where there is absolutely no movement between the two views, and I can't, I can't abide that level of kind of racism.

Speaker 4 And then it's only a matter of time take turns in my community.

Speaker 4 It already has with the trans, but it's only a matter of time. But

Speaker 4 I'm alright with the gays, as long as they, you know,

Speaker 4 do it in their own house and it's no public. As long as my kids don't see it, as long as my kids don't hear it.
It's all that.

Speaker 4 All the fucking tropes from under section 28 are coming back. It's the same argument.
So I just

Speaker 4 mommy might fucking love the bones of me, but they're expressing views that I think in six months, a year, two years, five years, they'll be like, meh, I'm alright with you being gay, but

Speaker 4 fucking tone it down.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I think if that's in their story imagine what their close friends is like, or their fucking locked Facebook group, or their neighbourhood WhatsApp, all that stuff.

Speaker 2 Here's an interesting thing about jokes being a soft launch and all that. I was watching that Woody Allen thing and I was thinking, he allowed you to see a whole bunch of his neuroses.

Speaker 2 So, you thought this a guy who's neurotic about his physicality, who's neurotic about his relationships to adult women, who's neurotic about how he's perceived, who's got what we would now call general anxiety and stuff like that.

Speaker 2 But he doesn't let you see the real neuroses and Louis C.K., do you know what I mean? All that stuff, but I'm an overeater, I'm a piece of shit.

Speaker 2 I have this relationship with my kids, I feel guilty about blah blah blah, but not the real thing, right? Not the real neuroses.

Speaker 4 Whereas, we all worked with a guy, at a Scottish comedy circuit

Speaker 4 who did let you see it who his material turned out to be the exact same fucking rape fantasies that he was using to sexually harass 25 women.

Speaker 2 A lot of listeners thinking this doesn't narrow it down

Speaker 2 and it doesn't.

Speaker 4 God only knows what's going on just now.

Speaker 2 But that is true because that comedian would always do stuff like, well, I'm to the flash in the park. I mean, well,

Speaker 2 these dick pic stuff. Well, I have him to just use my fucking hobby.

Speaker 4 And then, and then it turns out,

Speaker 4 you know, cuck, he was like a porn cuck,

Speaker 2 he was a porn cuck, crazy, crazy guy.

Speaker 4 But he also had that material about grabbing a woman by the throat,

Speaker 4 right? And he had that material.

Speaker 4 And then it turned out in a lot of the texts that he was sending, there was that fucking stuff.

Speaker 2 It is interesting

Speaker 2 the line between stuff like that in terms of using because

Speaker 2 you know you watch quentin tarantino and he's a film director so that's kind of held to a different standard of art than stand-up which some people wouldn't say wasn't that some people would say was a craft or something like that but george carlin's thing it's an art but it's not a fine art

Speaker 2 okay yeah it's a nice way of putting it it's a low art form uh or low culture art form so it doesn't have to be it's just not it's just not oil painting yeah and he's a a film director and he clearly loves feet, women's feet, and violence.

Speaker 2 And violence. But, you know, he gets off on feet stuff and he puts that in his stuff.
And it's like, well, I think if you are an artist, you need to put stuff like that in.

Speaker 2 And it's just, well, what are you putting in? So you think they're being kind of deceitful by not putting in the more... No, no, what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 Well, slightly, I mean, slightly, but maybe it's the hidden hand of the unconscious, our old friend. But

Speaker 2 what I'm saying is, if someone is doing kind of racist jokes ironically and whatever, we think, oh, that's actually their opinions about racism and stuff. It could actually be much worse.

Speaker 2 So, some of these people that are like, oh, free speech, and my agenda is about this, that, and the other, and my agenda is about conservatism. It's not really their agenda.

Speaker 2 Their agenda is about authoritarianism and power and camps and re-education and you know, not being told no.

Speaker 2 So, I think sometimes when we think, oh, that person's actually soft-launching some of their worst things, we don't know half of it.

Speaker 4 That's good, I'm in it.

Speaker 4 So, basically, I think it's fair to say that

Speaker 4 the guillotine has said, get the fascists to fuck, come out the group chat, or even just silence it, get another group chat with the good guys, yeah, and have some go to some anti-fascist fucking protests.

Speaker 2 Tell your pals who are near like that that you want to start.

Speaker 2 I've got a few

Speaker 2 offshoots of group chats. You know, I'll wear a group chat and I'll be like, the fuck's that can't talk to me all the time.
And I'll start a Wii One. You know, an offshoot.
A sapling.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 2 And then it's, you know, that person isn't in it. And it's not like we're all fucking slagging that person off or anything, but it's just,

Speaker 2 you know.

Speaker 2 So I would say just prune, prune your life as if it was a rose bush.

Speaker 2 You don't need the thorns of fascism.

Speaker 4 You don't need that fucking negativity in your life either.

Speaker 4 You know, if you're having a good day and then you open up a group chat, and somebody in the group chats a wank and you go, oh, here's this fucking prick.

Speaker 2 This was a big issue for me during lockdown. Where I don't know if you remember this, I think you would maybe be in a different area of the industry.

Speaker 2 But during the club circuit in Scotland, it was all big 40-person group chats, and everybody's not got a job, everybody's in it the whole time.

Speaker 2 And I was muting them, but then still, I just went, Let's see until we've got a job again.

Speaker 2 I don't want to talk to any of these people. Oh, there was a lot of people.
And I just left.

Speaker 4 There were a fair few comedians that I just fucking blocked because I was like, I cannot be arse dealing with your self-obsession and your fucking self-indulgence.

Speaker 2 Just

Speaker 4 fuck off, you greet and faced bastard.

Speaker 4 Fair enough, we all went mental, so but at the same time, yeah, but some people went mental and they still had the comfort of a partner with an income, sure, yeah, they still had the comfort of a fucking garden, they had like they had more than other people, and it still wasn't enough.

Speaker 4 And you're like, do you know what? You're never going to be fucking happy, so just whatever.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 4 yes, I just blocked them.

Speaker 2 Have you ever been in a group chat that was driving driving you mental? I've only ever been in three group chats.

Speaker 4 It's one of the

Speaker 2 with my children, which is called The Lads. One is ours, which is called The Dissidents.
Which was the original name of the podcast.

Speaker 2 And the other one is for the play end game I did in Dublin, which has sort of gone off gone off the boil now. And it's all years ago.
And

Speaker 2 the occasional picture pops up.

Speaker 4 This is why this podcast can never end, because then you'll just be down to one family, one family group chat.

Speaker 2 There was also the tour group chat.

Speaker 2 oh we had the tour group chat

Speaker 2 was it called the circus comes to town or something

Speaker 2 i don't know i was in that

Speaker 2 for your own tour

Speaker 2 it was something about a circus i think

Speaker 2 see you barbara congratulations barbara yeah congratulations barbara on your

Speaker 2 wedding and your lovely wife yeah but some group chats become compromised whenever somebody brings a new person in you always go

Speaker 4 See that? That just doesn't happen in women's fucking group chats because people are like, who's that?

Speaker 2 Get hurt if

Speaker 4 she's not. Women are fucking territorial, man.

Speaker 2 What? I'm telling you.

Speaker 4 I used to do a bit in one of my shows. Oh, I women are like that.

Speaker 4 Who's she?

Speaker 4 She doesn't have the shared history. She doesn't have enough currency in the bank to be in this group chat.

Speaker 4 It's a true story.

Speaker 2 What type of currency? Well, like we all went to school together.

Speaker 4 Not knowing everybody else's secrecy.

Speaker 2 Like Scientology. Aye.
It's like. Come and tell us your deepest, darkest, and then we keep that as collateral.
Collateral against yours.

Speaker 2 Exactly.

Speaker 4 And I tell you, like, that's what women do, man. We fucking, I know, used to are very happy, but

Speaker 4 you'll be in the fucking grips of something that you've done seven years back. And oh, before you know it,

Speaker 4 am I right?

Speaker 2 I've just been out buying a bottle of perfume from my girlfriend due to exactly that kind of thing.

Speaker 4 There you go, see.

Speaker 2 What could this person do? Maybe consider making a big bomb. Yeah, dirty bomb.
Driving it into like,

Speaker 4 I don't think we should be suggesting dirty bombs.

Speaker 2 We're just joking. We're just joking.
I know.

Speaker 4 I know.

Speaker 2 Sideways, look at the possibilities of creating a large fertilising bomb in a van. A dark, sideways glance and particularly Glaswegian snow by three of the UK's funniest comedians.

Speaker 2 It's here comes the guillotine. You can't take this seriously,

Speaker 2 Your Honour. However, Your Honor, Your Honour, it was a joke, Your Honour.

Speaker 4 I wouldn't even know what type of fertiliser, Your Honour.

Speaker 2 It was simply a racist joke.

Speaker 2 Pleased to meet you, Mr. Baldy.

Speaker 2 I believe we're going to be spending quite some time together.

Speaker 2 me and baldy body and baldy kicking it large and barrel

Speaker 2 making friends and just all sorts influencing people shout out to again

Speaker 2 don't know how many times i've said this in the podcast

Speaker 2 Anyway, another mailbag.

Speaker 2 Oh.

Speaker 2 okay, can I read one from Rebecca? Go for it.

Speaker 2 Hello, big fan of the podcast as a disabled person living in England who inherited the politics of their communist Republican granddad from Donegal, who I never met.

Speaker 2 It's one of the few things keeping me sane.

Speaker 2 I apologise in advance for grammatical errors. I'm visually impaired, so I've used voice input for this email and I can't be asked correcting it.

Speaker 2 That's fine, you're absolutely crushing it grammatically.

Speaker 2 My next door neighbour is a massive royalist. They put a huge flag of the queen's face in the garden after she died, which was taken down.

Speaker 2 Which was taken down last year because it became damaged beyond repair.

Speaker 2 Much like the queen.

Speaker 2 It was one of the few times in my life being blind has benefited me.

Speaker 2 I've got two relatives that used to be socialists, but they've now been radicalised by the far right. Okay, it's very similar to the first letter.

Speaker 2 Is my hatred of them and English culture in general justified? Kind regards, Rebecca. Yes, next one.
Okay.

Speaker 2 100%. Thank you, Rebecca.

Speaker 4 Hey, I have got one.

Speaker 2 Shout out to all the disabled legends who listen to the podcast.

Speaker 4 I have got one here.

Speaker 4 Firstly, thank you guys. You've got us through a lot over the last year.
Frankie whispering sweet nothings, Christopher's obsession with come, and Susie telling pricks to fuck off. It's been glorious.

Speaker 4 We've noticed there have been a few breakups throughout the time of the guillotine, it's because it's been the fucking podcast of doom.

Speaker 4 And having both just gone through them ourselves, we wondered if you had any advice on managing them, moving on, and even on the dating period after, because we have got no idea what we're doing.

Speaker 4 Both of our exes are men who lacked communication skills. Welcome to my fucking life.
How can you make sure we find and attract the kind of person who's going to do right by us?

Speaker 4 Thank you again, Jessica and and Martin. P.S.
Are you going to do live shows in London?

Speaker 4 We'll definitely be there if so, but would love a night in Glasgow, if not, especially with all the incredible food recommendations.

Speaker 4 Before we get to the issues, may I highly recommend Christopher's King's Theatre show in Glasgow and Martin?

Speaker 2 You need to go to the King's Theatre and you also need to go see Susan Kate. Well, if only Susie was touring, if only she could go touring.

Speaker 4 If only I was going to the Museum of Comedy next April, May. Or alternatively, have two weekends in Glasgow.
One weekend seeing Christopher, one weekend seeing me.

Speaker 4 And then you can have two culinary weekends in this city.

Speaker 2 As for a guillotine live show, the thought of us grabbing cash

Speaker 2 in the future seems unlikely.

Speaker 2 Seems unlikely we would do it. Wink.

Speaker 4 Wink. Yes, wink.

Speaker 2 Hastily thrown together a live show.

Speaker 2 In order to... I thought that the original live shows were not hastily thrown together they were very

Speaker 2 slick slickly produced slick operations i would be happy to pay upwards of 30 pounds fifty for

Speaker 2 indeed they went well they went well yep you could also see chris macartha boy at the leicester square theatre this year i think that i think that'll be announced by the time

Speaker 2 uh next year actually that'll be announced by the time this comes out i think so with regards to the dating so you are quite right jessica and martin there has been a few fucking modelling moments however muddling moments would be a great name for

Speaker 4 moddling moments in our lives however we all seem to be in a very happy space in our individual situations now my advice would be

Speaker 2 just meet somebody that makes you laugh that makes you laugh makes you smile that makes you wake up in the morning hello there and welcome to modeling moments with me maurice thing is are we at the end of return of the jedi and everything's going to be cool from now on?

Speaker 2 Or are we at the end of a new hope and we're about to head into a period of

Speaker 2 Empire Strikes Back?

Speaker 4 No, I think we are at the Return of the Jedi within our personal lives, but society.

Speaker 4 So I think what we need is just hunger down with those that we've chosen and went, this is the person I'm going to spend my time with during the apocalypse.

Speaker 2 Were it that bit in the Star Wars sequels where the guy goes somehow palpatine has returned and then it's just deli he's just back from with no explanation or even

Speaker 2 all the notes you get on a fucking script and these guys go somehow palpatine has returned

Speaker 2 somehow an actor who's it's that mad kind of he's like a spanish guy or something very handsome guy and he just goes somehow palpitine's returned you can just see even the disappointment in the character that palpatine's returned is the exact same tonal, just like, yeah, sometimes sometimes he's returned.

Speaker 2 What's the fucking point? If he's going to return, what's the point anymore? It's a complete. I think that's society.
Sorry, but I think socially, that's where we're at just now.

Speaker 2 But I think in terms of breakup,

Speaker 2 I'd say get out there. Pheromones.
Pheromones. Pheromones.

Speaker 2 Do you actually get on?

Speaker 2 Or is it just fucking texts? Are you lonely? Do you like having someone's fucking text like your phone up? Or

Speaker 2 are you actually compatible? Do you know what I mean? It's impossible to know that until you actually spend time with them. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Versus, do I j

Speaker 2 because a lot of people they've got a presence online that doesn't actually reflect their

Speaker 2 in-person

Speaker 2 vibe. Sometimes you you talk to someone, this person's clean, I love their Instagram.
And you meet them and you're like, fuck me, you're

Speaker 2 dry as a bone.

Speaker 2 I mean, this is what every fucking relationship expert on line line says, but trust your instincts

Speaker 2 is a huge fucking thing. And you know, as they always say, red flags don't fucking ride through them.
You know?

Speaker 2 I've been in relationships and I've just been like, oh, I just kept putting that to one side. And then I was like,

Speaker 2 yeah,

Speaker 2 that person was the person you thought they were.

Speaker 2 You know? Immediately.

Speaker 2 You know. What was the nature of the red flags, if you don't mind me asking, if we don't have to?

Speaker 2 I think they were just someone who they were in a relationship that was kind of ending and they just wanted to end the relationship and they were only actually interested in who they used to end it with.

Speaker 2 Wow. And

Speaker 2 that can be

Speaker 2 not great to be that human crowbar.

Speaker 4 Could be worse though. You could be the person at the other side of the crowbar when someone's like, you know, maybe

Speaker 4 not even fucking physically cheated on you. They've just emotionally cheated on you.
That's fucking horrific.

Speaker 2 I don't know if you can bullshit. I don't know if you can hear the bitterness coming through these microphones

Speaker 2 listeners, but

Speaker 4 basically, sometimes you realize that the person you're with is just not for you, and sometimes they realise that you're not for them and whether you're ready for it or not.

Speaker 2 But I think, like,

Speaker 2 the hardest bit is before the breakup. I think deciding to break.
Maybe it's just that's personal experience.

Speaker 4 I think it depends. It depends if you've chosen to do the breakup.
Oh, sure. If it's on your timeline, you've already checked out, you've already disconnected.
But if it's on their timeline, fuck

Speaker 2 horrific. Right.

Speaker 4 Being in the fucking end of that bullshit. It's fucking.
People are fucking weird.

Speaker 2 I think sometimes, I think that's an interesting bit. It might work if you might not.

Speaker 2 If you're in heartbreak, treat it like addiction. You know, that fact is not linear recovery.
You don't go, hey, I had a breakthrough and today I feel fine about it all. You'll have ups and downs.

Speaker 2 And once you accept that you'll have ups and downs, much easier.

Speaker 4 Yeah, and I think once you accept it, you just go, Maybe I'm actually happier now than what I was, or maybe that person changed, or maybe I've changed to be with that person.

Speaker 4 Like, I know that when I split up with someone before, I was so far checked out and so far down the road, but I was

Speaker 4 enough about me to realize how much hurt I'd caused. So, you try to make it as not even so much as smooth as possible, the actual breakup, the actual untangling of life.

Speaker 4 That's the fucking hard bit, is the unpicking of that. But once you kind of get over that, and

Speaker 4 it can actually be alright, and you can actually have some form of decent relationship out,

Speaker 4 but only if you trust them to be a friend. And there's some people in your life that you'll never ever trust to be a friend again.
Just get them to fucking get out of here.

Speaker 2 I'm always saying, blame the other person and move on.

Speaker 2 That's the key.

Speaker 4 Get out and get pumping.

Speaker 2 It's their fault.

Speaker 2 You know, 10 steps down the road. Aye, but I think with meeting people and stuff, you just need to, yeah, you need to be in real life.
Aye. You need to be out.

Speaker 2 You can use your phone to meet people, but then you need to actually, you know, you can waste a lot of time.

Speaker 2 There's very little difference between having your time wasted by some name. Some

Speaker 2 internet hang. It's just the same as

Speaker 2 spending an hour just cruising through Deliveroo.

Speaker 4 Can I also see?

Speaker 2 Universal feeling.

Speaker 4 See, as a gay woman in my 40s from a relatively small city and doing this job, you'll be in that position, Frankie, where you're hard-pushed to find somebody that doesn't know what you do for a living.

Speaker 4 Right? So, obviously, I'm already in an ever-decreasing circle just due to my sexuality and my age.

Speaker 4 And you're just sitting going, like, I went in a date, and it was so obvious that she was just a fan. And I was like, oh, this is, I can't, I can't do this because it's wrong.

Speaker 2 It would because of of the power dynamic.

Speaker 4 I, I, and it would be wrong. And I was just like, nah, it's this just can't happen.
So I actually end up getting out with somebody who I've known for, I don't know, 15, 16 years.

Speaker 4 And it's, it's somebody who knew me long before I'd done any of this nonsense. Do you know what I mean? So it's a kind of there's a kind of safety in that, I suppose, as well.

Speaker 2 I've had the other side of it a few times, which is someone asks you out on a date, and you're like, can I check this the date and they just want a meet and greet?

Speaker 2 And like,

Speaker 2 two of them were attached. I remember saying to the swimming,

Speaker 2 you're not attached because you whiffed someone at that thing I met you at. And she was like, no, it's just a pal.
However, let's go out for dinner. Go out for dinner.

Speaker 2 And she was like, actually, that's my husband.

Speaker 2 I just wanted to meet you.

Speaker 4 That's fucking mental.

Speaker 2 Yeah. That's crazy.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 Don't know if this will help any of you, but just get out and get pumping.

Speaker 2 Let the animal inside you sniff

Speaker 2 what the pig. Love is a truffle.
Your soul is a pig. Let it.

Speaker 2 Let it seek

Speaker 2 into your frenzy state.

Speaker 2 Fucking. If you don't call a soul, love is a truffle.

Speaker 2 Love is.

Speaker 2 Snuffle through the undergrowth of the forest of life with your snout and find.

Speaker 2 But then you find it and the farmer takes it away. Yes.
Isn't that so like love?

Speaker 4 Right, let's just try and give Jessica and Martin hope.

Speaker 2 Is it a coincidence that the Grim Reaper

Speaker 2 has farming equipment?

Speaker 2 It's not a coincidence, I know.

Speaker 2 Jesus.

Speaker 2 Are they straight? They could rattle each other.

Speaker 4 I think Martin's gay. Martin's gay.
Jessica's not gay.

Speaker 2 Oh, okay.

Speaker 4 Both their exes were men, so I think they're just like.

Speaker 2 If you cannot, Poole is a gay guy. Come on.

Speaker 4 But

Speaker 4 it's not even the. But even even the gays don't do it, they'll fucking cottage in at a bar thing.
No, they're fucking on the grinder.

Speaker 2 I think it's easy to get your hole as a gay guy, but it's hard to find relationships. Hard to find the truffles, commitment.

Speaker 4 Yeah, listen, they've got it fucking spot on the gay men, they've got it sorted. Meet up, hook up, bish, bash, bosh, up the road.

Speaker 2 But also, all the longest, happiest relationships I know are gay, male gay couples. Yeah,

Speaker 4 and a lot of them won't even be monogamous. A lot of them will be open relationships or it'll be the don't ask, don't tell situation, and they're just quite happy pumping away.

Speaker 2 Don't ask, don't tell is wild. Yeah, they've really reclaimed that terminology.

Speaker 2 Quite right.

Speaker 4 But Jessica and Martin.

Speaker 2 Yes, soldier.

Speaker 2 You do your thing.

Speaker 2 Love is a burning thing. And it makes, it leaves a fiery ring.

Speaker 2 So I would say, check it out.

Speaker 4 Love is a truffle.

Speaker 2 Love is a truffle.

Speaker 2 Be the pig. Roll the dice.
Roll the dice.

Speaker 2 Hi, guillotine crew, forward slash Bruce Rendy, aka producer Andy. No question, just an idea.
A Republican-themed ramen restaurant called Up the Ramen. Take it and go.
My gift to you three. Beautiful.

Speaker 2 Below. Love the show.
John in Limerick. And then he's used.
I was worried it was AI, but it's actually a company called Turbo Logo.

Speaker 2 He's designed a little ramen logo where it's a bowl and there's a ninja's face on it.

Speaker 4 I see what he's done with the ninja there.

Speaker 2 I don't.

Speaker 2 See, if it was a ninja with a balaclava, you'd be like, fair enough.

Speaker 2 And I suppose ninjas to an extent are the IRA of feudal Japan.

Speaker 4 Right.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 4 thanks for that, John. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Thanks. It's great.

Speaker 4 It's great. It's great.
I've got another one here. I've somebody Owen who's a big fan of Christopher.

Speaker 2 Oh, yes, man.

Speaker 4 I wanted to take this opportunity to thank you all for your work in this podcast. I mean, work is a fucking push.

Speaker 2 Everything should start like that, though. Everything that doesn't start like that in the future.
We don't.

Speaker 4 I left my previous job back in January, and during the nerve-wracking months between paychecks, this podcast provided many moments of hilarity and an otherwise pretty shit time.

Speaker 4 Big fan of CMB's latest special on YouTube. What's it called, Christopher?

Speaker 2 I think it's called Scary Times, recorded at the Pavilion Theatre.

Speaker 4 Wonderful, check it out.

Speaker 2 Check it out on the Some Laugh YouTube channel, and I think it might be getting released on the £800 Guerrilla YouTube channel, but that's not being performed.

Speaker 4 Excellent stuff, and thoroughly enjoyed enjoyed listening to your jaunt through the dungeons. Although, feeling a bit scammed, there's no dragon appeared, so there'll have to be another series.

Speaker 4 I don't understand what that means.

Speaker 4 I'm unsure if you're still going to be mail-bagging in your Monday episodes, but on the off-chance, you do. Then, my question to you all is: if you were a Norse god, what animal would you have

Speaker 4 to pull your chariot? Thor used

Speaker 4 reusable edible goats, Freya used giant cats. lads over to you it's basically what's your favourite animal to pull your chariot to pull a chariot

Speaker 2 tapir wouldn't mind a tapir tapir ever seen

Speaker 2 they're uh in japan they are considered to eat your dreams while you sleep there's a yo-kai or demon who is a tapir and he just

Speaker 2 comes up to your head when you're asleep at night and he sucks with his little floppy tube snout and he just

Speaker 2 eats your dreams. I wouldn't mind being pulled by them.

Speaker 2 What would you be the god of?

Speaker 2 Lunch. God of lunch.

Speaker 2 He's tapped your track.

Speaker 2 Alright, they feel kind of like the god of lunch, to be honest with you. What are

Speaker 2 we just had a big dishum?

Speaker 4 It was amazing.

Speaker 4 But we're all quite sleepy.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.
I think I had four big monkeys.

Speaker 2 What brand? Er, just like a sort of king gong.

Speaker 2 Gorillas? Yeah, king gong. Type monkey gorillas.

Speaker 4 I think I would go for like a donkey kong.

Speaker 2 So you both are going for gorillas?

Speaker 2 Types? Yeah. These could be twin gorilla gods.

Speaker 2 What would you be the gods of if you were gorillas? Bananas?

Speaker 2 Melancholy? You could be the god of DIY?

Speaker 4 Yes.

Speaker 4 Yes. I was actually sitting downstairs when we were waiting for you looking at CLS timber that I need to buy to build my log store.

Speaker 4 That's what I'm at. Frankie.

Speaker 2 I'd be like really specific, like Tom Bombado, I'd built the god of like Pollock Estate or something.

Speaker 2 I would you fucking love Pollock Estate.

Speaker 4 That should, in fact, that's what you should buy. Fucking Pollock Estate.

Speaker 2 If you're the god of Pollock Estate, you probably have the little

Speaker 2 Highland Cows dragon, yeah. Oh, that's a good idea.

Speaker 4 Little Shetland ponies, is there Shetland ponies?

Speaker 2 There is, I think, a Shetland pony in there, I'm not sure.

Speaker 4 Get another one, get them pumped.

Speaker 2 Highland cows. Yeah.
You can have the gorillas. Great.
I think

Speaker 2 the Highland cow thing's been slightly overdone by those

Speaker 2 heart that my mum has in her house. Nothing against my mum's taste in art, but...
It's put you against a whole species or whole genus of cow. Yeah, it has.
It's been just... And when you go to like

Speaker 2 Scottish tat shops, they've all got those AI-generated.

Speaker 2 here's a Highland cow wearing a Rangers top or something and you're like come on fuck but I think they are just so powerfully charismatic those cows and when you see one in real life you fall for them it doesn't matter how overdone they are it's like Nando's almost we all got a fucking Nando's so overrated and overplayed but then when you have just the right butterfly chicken with the spicy chips and And a wing.

Speaker 4 And a wing.

Speaker 2 I mean, it's phenomenal. And then the pasta dinata as well.

Speaker 2 It's been another deluge from the god of lunch so although I'm fond of a peppy's chicken and rice yeah the chicken rice is from a box I find myself weightying when I eat them because it's so delicious that I eat it too fast

Speaker 2 and then I'm

Speaker 2 just waiting for lunch

Speaker 2 because you've eaten too fast it's happened to me I would say three or four times I've had the peppy's chicken rice medium spice with spicy chips and a fanta and sprite.

Speaker 2 And then I just I'm so high up here. I'm like, do you know when dogs do that? Sometimes they'll eat food too fast and they'll go

Speaker 2 throw it up because they get too excited.

Speaker 4 You're like a little labrador.

Speaker 2 Yeah. There's a conversation between gods.
Do you want to know the lunch options at the burrow collection? Yes, please. Okay.
Soup.

Speaker 4 What kind?

Speaker 2 It varies from day to day. This is a collaboration between us.

Speaker 4 Is it like a kind of like your nana's kind of soup collection or is it like Christopher's?

Speaker 2 It's like all soups that you get commercially where they put a lot of salt in there and it tends to be quite a creamy thing or occasionally a disgusting minestrone. Oh, I hate minestrone.

Speaker 2 Everyone does it's just after it's just leftover soup. What does minestrone mean?

Speaker 2 It means turn back.

Speaker 2 Explore the rest of the menu. Minestre.
I mean it's just...

Speaker 4 Does everybody hate? I've been restaurants and people have ordered that shit.

Speaker 2 What the fuck's going on? I know. People don't know what they want.
It's where you can hide stuff.

Speaker 2 You can get the Angry Scotsman pasta, which bizarrely is pasta with chilies and shrimp. What? Or not shrimp, prawns.
Oh my god.

Speaker 4 What the fuck is that Scottish?

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's got nothing to do with Scotland and also a huge beef. Giant beef sandwich.
It's actually wild. It's like this big giant beef and cheese.

Speaker 2 It's like a mad thing, yeah. It's like a proper weird.
What the fuck has this been doing? Getting insulted. old people.

Speaker 2 They'll bust. Yeah, it's like three days' food for a pensioner.
Ah, they need salt.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 4 No, they don't. Have you ever seen how much fucking salt pensioners put on their food, man? You're like, fucking.

Speaker 2 My dad puts on a knife and then taps the knife over the skin.

Speaker 4 Honestly, they are.

Speaker 2 Is it something a coke dealer would do?

Speaker 2 A fucking salt dealer.

Speaker 2 That's awesome.

Speaker 2 You can see the salad. You can get a fruit or plain scone.
You have to ask for cream separately now. You ask and pay for the clotted cream separately.

Speaker 4 What if you wanted cream and jam?

Speaker 2 Cream and jam is fine. Jam is gratis.
Right. Clotted cream is money.
Fuck sad. That's surprising.
As they got a lunch. Well, I know, because

Speaker 2 lots of people don't take clotted cream when it's too unhealthy. So you're just giving people things of cream they're not using.

Speaker 4 See if you're having a scon, right?

Speaker 4 I think if you're having a scone, you need to go in there with the cream and jam like

Speaker 2 what's the fucking point otherwise just enjoy it have the indulgence have a nice cup of tea with it really enjoy it then go enjoy that forgive me forgive me if i've already said this in the podcast before but i was in a ramen restaurant in melbourne called mr ramen san which means mr mr ramen in japanese and uh

Speaker 2 They have a thing where you eat your ramen and they go, we'll give you extra

Speaker 2 noodles if you run out of noodles before your broth's done. But if you don't finish them, you need to pay for them.
They're free if you can eat them.

Speaker 4 That's a fucking challenge.

Speaker 2 Yeah. But I think that that's a good way of doing it.

Speaker 2 Not bad. In terms of this wastefulness, it should be you only need to pay for the cream if you don't eat it.

Speaker 2 They should take the burrow collection should take up the

Speaker 2 Mr. Ramen style.
Can I also say if you're going to the burrow collection, you need to get your table number first

Speaker 2 before approaching the queue.

Speaker 4 Can I just say this shit really annoys me

Speaker 4 as a solo traveller on many an occasion? Of course. They don't appreciate that you could be carrying your fucking worldly possessions and they're like, no, I need to know your table number.

Speaker 2 And you're like, well.

Speaker 2 Certainly needs to be more clearly signposted before people join the queue.

Speaker 2 I would feel a thought of you know going online and putting on my website a list of uh or a or a diagram with all the table numbers on it. Oh, right, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 So that if you're stuck in the queue at the borough collection, you could look up frankieboyle.com and go on a diagram and see if you could identify it from the drawing.

Speaker 2 Most comedians use the website to sell tickets for books,

Speaker 2 comedy specials, but you provide my service. Buy a ticket for my book, please.

Speaker 2 I'm also the same with my fucking

Speaker 2 mailing list, which has really devolved into this week. It was a kind of dialogue by

Speaker 2 speech by Professor Moriarty

Speaker 2 where I did plug the poll. Sherlock Holmes' enemy, yeah.
What was he saying about Here Comes a Guillotine? He said it's gone down to Mondays only.

Speaker 2 I'm still recommending it. Is this part of his syndicate?

Speaker 2 He was trying to get away from the syndicate. He'd started to see through capitalism, which he refers to as the equation.
Right.

Speaker 2 But yeah, sign up for that. If you're hoping to get a diagram of the Burrough Collections, Carfey.
Was he also bringing up your book being released in paperback?

Speaker 2 He forgot.

Speaker 2 He forgot. I can't even believe Moriat.
He forgot. He forgot that my book was released in paperback on September the 11th by a complete coincidence.

Speaker 4 Of course it was.

Speaker 4 Talking about books, we've got a weird recommendation from Shami in Belfast.

Speaker 2 Shamie?

Speaker 4 Shamie has sent in, I don't have social media, so would you please pass this book rec on to Susie? Which is, I mean, basically, all of us. It's My Father's House by Joseph O'Connor.

Speaker 4 I'm reading it and I think it's her sort of vibe, so I'll be fucking researching that.

Speaker 2 My father's house.

Speaker 2 I'm not catching any Wi-Fi, so I would love to do something.

Speaker 4 I know, because we're in the fucking padded cell. Yes.

Speaker 2 If somebody said that this doesn't actually go out to people, this podcast.

Speaker 4 I wouldn't be surprised.

Speaker 2 I wouldn't be if this was just, I'm in a home of some kind and

Speaker 2 it's a kind of make-a-wish thing where they get used to it, kind of look after me.

Speaker 4 Jesus.

Speaker 4 I've also got one from Phoebe. While you're looking it up.

Speaker 2 I'll have a week. My father's home by Joseph O'Connor.
Do you want to speculate about what it could be about?

Speaker 2 It's going to be Catholic Church. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Possible a child abuse.

Speaker 2 No, no, no, no, no. You're at the wrong end of things.

Speaker 4 I'm at the wrong end, okay. It's going to be Catholic Church.

Speaker 2 Based on a true story and several real characters, my father's house opens in September 1943 with wartime Rome as its memorable backdrop.

Speaker 2 The city is occupied by German forces and the Gestapo commander, Paul Huptemann, rules with an iron fist. His torture chambers are housed in the former German Cultural Institute.

Speaker 2 His favoured interrogation tool is the Blowtorch.

Speaker 2 The one place he can't control is the Vatican City. I think this is wildly ahistorical.

Speaker 2 Deemed a neutral independent country. It harbours diplomats as well as priests, several of whom dedicate themselves to helping Jews and escaped Allied prisoners get out of Rome.

Speaker 2 A proud Kerryman, Monsignor Hugh O'Flaherty, is the leader of one such escape line. Its agents call themselves the Choir and meet in a former hospice for fever victims in the right arm of St.

Speaker 2 Peter's Basilica.

Speaker 2 I think that's

Speaker 2 a wild reframing of the Vatican's role within World War II. Of course, the priests were helping the Jews of the Catholic.
They were helping them. They weren't waiting to see where the chips landed.

Speaker 2 Sorry if I said this one of the other episodes, but I'm just back for Amsterdam. Amsterdam was like, I mean, Holland or the Netherlands was like, um,

Speaker 2 oh, when the Nazis took him over, they were like, well, no, really, this, but then when exports increased, the kind of economy turned around because they were exporting to Germany, and they were like, it's actually all right, in town,

Speaker 2 exporting Jews.

Speaker 4 There is nothing, there's nothing quite like what you make money.

Speaker 2 The Kerryman of Lager is the hero of the story was quite. I didn't expect that.

Speaker 2 Didn't expect old O'Flacherty to show up out of nowhere.

Speaker 2 Umberto Echo has the theory that Mussolini wasn't killed and that it was his look-alike decoy that was killed. That's why they battered them so much to

Speaker 2 make sure he couldn't see. And that the Vatican spirited them away along the rat lines.
Too well. But South America probably.
He was very old when he wrote this. Right.

Speaker 2 You know, what the fuck was going through his head? He's maybe talking shite.

Speaker 4 I've got one here, right? So, this is quite comedy-centric. This one,

Speaker 4 hello, uh, Frankie Boyle, Susie, and CMB. I am newish to stand-up, and I love it.

Speaker 2 I think

Speaker 4 I think it's sister. I think

Speaker 4 I'm good at it, but I hate

Speaker 4 the open mic scene. You have absolutely just doubled down in this fucking email.
But I hate the open mic scene in my city.

Speaker 4 It's exactly what you would imagine a B-list Canadian city stand-up scene to be like, full of mediocre men making jokes about topical politics at the expense of marginalised community.

Speaker 4 It's hacky and horrible, and they think being liberal is taking a shot at everyone.

Speaker 4 Last week's conversation in the green room and I was only a woman was about how excited they were that Louis CK was back

Speaker 4 and what tour dates they were seeing him at. At best, it's annoying, at worst I feel unsafe doing what I love.
I am good and I have some success in getting some traction.

Speaker 4 And there is a group of women working in this city, but it's hard. How did I survive the first years of my career having to jump on the open mics with these class freaks?

Speaker 4 I'd love to hear from Susie about her experience in clubs and how to stay sane.

Speaker 4 Love the show, it's giving me a weird autistic hyperfixation with Scottish sectarianism and have no one to talk to about it. All the best, Phoebe.

Speaker 2 Right, Phoebe. Before we get into the feminist aspect, I think it's so interesting how, like, are you aware of the there's a punk band in New York called Sectarian Violence? Yes.

Speaker 2 Who are kinda sectarian's violence themed, but they don't actually they're not in it

Speaker 2 sorry

Speaker 2 okay sorry uh Phoebe

Speaker 4 um this is fucking life and it's not just in comedy but here's the thing you

Speaker 4 go to your work work hard make sure you're better than them they will fucking hate you for it they will probably quite a lot of them will be nice

Speaker 4 fucking white middle class men that have been told the world is there to inherit and that's what they'll believe and then they'll be annoyed when you get more success than them. But you know what?

Speaker 4 You just get your head down, do it.

Speaker 4 Somebody will come behind you, and she'll be better than them, and so on and so forth. And that's how we bring about change.

Speaker 4 So just ignore all their fucking bullshit and make sure that when that audience leaves that room, you're the one to remember. That's my advice.

Speaker 2 That's good advice. I think, I mean, so much of it is like you can minimise the amount of time you spend in green rooms.

Speaker 2 You can minimise the amount of time you spend backstage. Try and watch more stuff on stage than you spend time backstage.

Speaker 2 And like, be tight because I think things are rolling away from being tight. And I've seen a few things lately where I'm like, this is like, this is not up to standard.

Speaker 2 You know, and sometimes it's easy to go into your shell, where you go, well, they like me at this gig, and they don't like me at the other gig, so I'll just do

Speaker 2 six gigs a month or eight gigs a month, you know, you know and you kinda like you'd sort of you sort of need to do more than that to learn.

Speaker 2 You sorta need to get up to about twelve to fourteen or something to really be

Speaker 2 turning stuff stuff over. I wonder if a punter would understand the kind of balance you have to have in comedy where

Speaker 2 it is like

Speaker 2 you're up there by yourself, but then when you're backstate, that's kind of important as well because it is a everybody that's kind of quite an individualistic thing to do stand up, but at the same time, you're part of a community.

Speaker 2 And when you feel kind of ostracized, or

Speaker 2 I've been in comedy clubs or something, and people have been hitting out with quite shy pattern, and I've just had to go

Speaker 2 I don't think that and then you you're the you're the the wet blanket or the stick in the mud or something and then you don't get booked at that club again and you're like oh I shouldn't have maybe I shouldn't have

Speaker 2 stood up against that stupid cunt um

Speaker 4 but yeah it's hard I would say definitely just keep and just go go and travel go somewhere else get away from them you know I mean like I said just get better get get match fit get gig fit and then just make sure that when when you leave that club, you're the one they remember.

Speaker 4 And if they don't remember you, make sure it's the headliner and then you, and that's that's all right. That's all right.

Speaker 2 I'd say avoid being competitive, is quite good advice, because it's really about you and your crowd.

Speaker 4 That's what I mean, though.

Speaker 4 I don't mean be competitive to the other acts, I just mean make sure that you go out and give such a good account of yourself that they're like, I'm going to look out for her.

Speaker 2 I don't mean, I didn't really mean this as a reflection on what you were saying, but I just meant in general, like

Speaker 2 maintaining humility is really good for writing. Because sometimes, particularly the first few years, you're like, I'm doing this stuff and it's fucking great.
And why isn't it storming as much as

Speaker 2 this other shit that I see people doing? And if you're really honest with yourself, the stuff isn't great. And the stuff isn't good enough.

Speaker 2 And it's the point where you accept that and you go back and you go, okay, this needs to be better. Yeah.
That you start to get really good.

Speaker 4 For you, Phoebe, just write, gig, fucking ignore all the ball bags, just go and do your own thing and don't listen to them. And when you're successful, they'll come crawling back and be like, hey.

Speaker 2 I just think about all the people I started out with who were great, but they didn't have the thing that

Speaker 2 made them want to keep doing that. Whether that's mental health, success, do you know what I mean?

Speaker 4 Maybe success in their own personal lives as well, though.

Speaker 4 Like, you know, I've got a really good job and I've got a kid and I'm not going to throw it away like you did, Susie.

Speaker 2 I've always thought like people who were like who seemed to me the happiest people were people who got up to the stage where they had a fringe show, did a fringe run and stopped.

Speaker 2 There's a guy called John Flint when I started and he ended up being like a professor somewhere. You know he was like in

Speaker 2 academia in some way, you know, really good club act.

Speaker 2 You could go, you could pay your bills or whatever by doing a weekend at stand or, you know, you could go and do the middle spot anywhere and all that kind of stuff.

Speaker 2 You get it up to a stage, you do a good hour and then you know that was fun you know and that seems to me almost a healthier

Speaker 2 high

Speaker 2 isn't it weird that this is super specialized job this so you have to do how many hours is it to be a pilot do you know what i mean it's a few hundred hours flying time yeah i mean you have to do like thousands of hours of this to be good of stage time

Speaker 2 um and but there are also just random members of the public who want to go and do it and you don't have like people go oh dad me and suck the sole do you know what i mean Like, whoa,

Speaker 2 fucking takes about 10 years

Speaker 2 and it's all you think about for 10 years. You can have like birth defects from being raised wrong.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 I'm glad that you're now on message for this, Chris.

Speaker 2 They need to be broken in a very particular way, like the boys from Brazil, do you know what I mean? The fucking dad down the steps.

Speaker 4 That's a that's my meal bag stun.

Speaker 2 So I would say

Speaker 2 like people will just fade away. Like a lot of people just don't fucking do anything.
They don't write anything new. And then they wonder why it's nothing happening.

Speaker 2 It's like, you've not wrote a joke. You've wrote one or two jokes in the last five years.

Speaker 2 It's like, what do you think is going to happen? Shout out to Scottish Comedy.

Speaker 2 Come on in, Glasgow Phoebe. I love a good idea.

Speaker 2 I do think Glasgow is a good place to do stand-up because you're that close to...

Speaker 2 Death.

Speaker 2 Hey, how you doing? Bruce Randy here. Thanks for listening to another episode of Here Comes the Guillotine with Frankie Boyle, Susan McCabe, and Christopher MacArthur Boyd.

Speaker 2 Make sure you check out Christopher MacArthur Boyd and Susan McCabe on tour next year.

Speaker 2 Check it out.

Speaker 4 They'll be all over the place and you'll love it.

Speaker 2 Right, bye.

Speaker 4 You can get all the episodes of Here Comes the Guillotine on Global Player right now.

Speaker 4 Search for Global Player on your app store or go to globalplayer.com.

Speaker 3 This is a Global Player Original Podcast.