Fearing the Shocket

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

We're in chambers this week, fearing the shocket.

Fearing the shocket.

That's what it says in my script, so I'm obliged to read it.

It's scary because why, Jesse?

Because it's our Halloween episode.

Spooky day.

I'm spooky night.

Jesse Thorne.

Halloween.

And with me is the legendary harvester of souls himself, Judge John Hodgman.

Good evening, listeners.

It is I, Judge John Hodgman.

It's Halloween time, scary time, time to dig deep into that big plastic pumpkin head full of Halloween disputes that you submitted.

And together we will all take a big bite out of the razorblade concealing apple of justice.

Jesse Thorne, are you ready?

Let's get into the docket.

Here is a case from DG in Lincoln, Nebraska.

I recently listened to an episode of the podcast, How Did This Get Made, with special guest Paul F.

Tompkins.

Paul and one of the hosts, Jason Manzoukis, were discussing a well-known Halloween candy.

Imagine my horror when they both asserted that the correct pronunciation of the name of this candy is

Reese's Peasies.

I can't even begin to understand this delusion, but I know those two will never back down.

All right.

I don't like this letter.

It's mostly an ad for another podcast.

Yeah, I don't even see how we could address this without having Paul F.

Tompkins actually here.

Well, you know what, Jesse, hang on just one second.

I think I might just have a surprise for you.

Hello?

Paul F.

Tompkins, what are you doing here?

Paul F.

Tompkins, what are you doing here, Paul?

Hi.

Well, I received the letter saying that I would inherit a million dollars if I could spend the night in a haunted podcast studio.

Did you guys get the same letter?

Yes, I got that letter.

That's why I'm here too.

Exactly.

No, John, did you trick Paul F.

Tompkins into coming onto our podcast?

Well, yeah, I did.

Whoop.

You know, you could have just asked me.

I mean, is this podcast studio even haunted?

No, Paul.

I'm really sorry about all this.

Well, then what?

Well, I accept your apology.

But then what are all those creepy dolls doing on the piano over there?

Those creepy dolls on the piano.

They're just my friends, Paul.

They're just my very good friends.

Huh.

Okay.

Can you unlock the door and let me go now?

I would, Paul, but unfortunately, as you can see, I can't unlock the door.

I can't reach it because Jesse and I are handcuffed to radiators on the opposite side of the room right now.

Oh, I didn't notice that.

Yeah.

Yeah, we woke up this way.

Yeah, we don't know how we got here.

We were just going about our business and then we got drugged or something.

We woke up here this morning.

It's frankly, it's terrifying.

Wait, what movie are we in now?

Don't ask too many questions.

It'll only make him angry.

Who?

Oh, no, he's angry.

Paul, he's angry.

Would you please answer that scary black phone on the wall?

We can't reach it because of the radiators.

Fine.

Yellow.

Ah, Paul F.

Tompkins, the famous comedian.

I did not intend to make you play my little game, but perhaps it is for the best.

Can you put it on speaker, Paul?

Come on.

I'm on the.

Okay.

I have to put it on speaker.

Who is this?

It is I, Aiden, keeper of the Spirit Halloween fan wiki.

I trust you have heard of me.

No.

I am the teenager in Pennsylvania who is a huge fan of the Spirit Halloween store.

For years, Judge John Hodgman and Jesse Thorne have called me in my basement lair to discuss the latest in Spirit Halloween scares and provide free content for their podcast.

I'm going to mute you for just one second.

Guys, is this true?

Yeah.

It was good exposure.

He was a teenager and we called him for free content, but it was good exposure for him.

Oof, not a good look.

Oh, hey, and you're back.

What's going on?

It's time for you to get revenge or something?

Correct, Paul F.

Tompkins.

No longer shall I be the Spirit Halloween animatronic skeleton dancing and barfing and sucking out mannequin souls for John and Jesse's amusement.

Now they must dance for me!

I don't want to suck souls.

Shut your pie hole.

I charge you with this task, podcasters.

Rule on 13 Halloween disputes before the chime strikes midnight, or you shall never leave this room.

Okay, okay, bye-bye, bye, bye-bye, Bye.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

Bye-bye.

13.

I've only got like three good ones.

Yeah, we barely have any.

That's why I tricked Paul F.

Tompkins into coming here to waste time.

Mission accomplished.

Wait.

What's that noise?

Why is it getting louder?

What's that noise?

I don't know, but it's getting closer.

Paul, quickly.

Is it Reese's pieces or Reese's PCs?

It's Reese's PCs.

and there's no way it's not.

Why?

That doesn't make any sense.

I know, but it's just the way that it is.

It's Reese's PCs.

You said you would never back down and you won't.

Oh, no.

And

now we're going to, that thing is going to kill us.

We'll be back in just a second with more of the Judge John Hodgman content.

Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman.

The Judge John Hodgin podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members, of course.

Thank you so much for your support of this podcast and all of your favorite podcasts at maximumfund.org, and they are all your favorites.

If you want to join the many member supporters of this podcast and this network, boy, oh boy, that would be fantastic.

Just go to maximumfund.org slash join.

Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman Podcast.

Just to fill you in, Aiden the spirit Halloween kid, has trapped us in the studio with special guest Paul F.

Tompkins, and we have to clear 13 Halloween cases or else we will starve to death chain to these radiators.

Wait, it's just 12 now, right?

Doesn't the Reese's Pieces thing count?

No.

Reese's Pieces, Paul.

And yes, it counts, Jesse.

It counts.

Okay, so 12.

Anyway,

just before the break, a creepy animatronic from Aiden's collection just entered the studio through a crawlspace and scared us.

But now it is out of batteries and it's dead on the floor.

I'm examining its corpse now.

It's a 9.8-foot cord, four and a half feet tall, sharp teeth.

I believe this particular animatic is named Toothie the Clown, now on sale for $212.

How much are you getting from Spirit Halloween for this episode again?

No time for questions, Paul.

It looks like there's something between this animatronic's teeth, a piece of paper.

Look at this.

It's a dispute from Reddit user Spooses.

Here we go.

Our neighborhood gets hundreds of trick-or-treaters every Halloween.

My spouse believes we should buy the good stuff,

even if that means buying less candy.

If we run out of candy quickly and turn out the lights early, that's okay.

I think we should buy a mix of filler and the good stuff.

That way, more kids get to trick-or-treat at our house.

Paul F.

Tompkins, you grew up in Philadelphia, correct?

That's right.

What did you get mostly for Halloween?

Water ice or no?

Yeah, it was a lot of water ice, a lot of hoogies,

scrapple.

What was Halloween like in Philadelphia for you?

It was, it was like the, um, like it's in terms of candy, it was, it was the staples for sure.

When you say staple, when you say staples, do you mean nine-volt batteries or actual staples?

Actual, actual staples.

Right.

Yeah, it was a big office supply town.

That's our number one export.

A protractor.

I feel like when they make a new candy, it takes a long time for older candies to go away.

So I think like when I was a kid, it's all the same candy that we have now, but it was fewer gummy things.

Like gummy things had not yet come into their own.

You had like your Swedish fish and stuff like that.

But mostly it was about the chocolate.

It was about like the fun size,

you know, three Musketeers, Snickers, that family of Candy Bar, and the, of course, the Hershey's miniatures.

Yeah.

And the single

pack Reese's Cup, Reese Cup, as we used to call them.

No, it's Reese's PCs for sure, but I can say Reese's Cup.

Got it.

There's no internal consistency to this.

It's Reese's PCs.

It's just Reese's PCs.

That's just what it is.

That's just what it is.

Some things will never change.

Sometimes there has to be some magic in the world, Judge Hodgman.

That's exactly right.

Do you speak of introduction to new candies, Paul?

Do you remember when Whatchama Call It came out?

John, I absolutely do.

There was a big push for it on TV commercials.

And boy, oh boy, did that ever work on me, a child?

New candy bar.

How do I get my hands on this?

Did you know that they came up with a sequel candy bar?

This is not a.

Who's he?

What's it?

no

yeah who's he what's it it was a candy bar kidding me you can still get it i don't know when it came out but fairly recently and it was a contest for whatchamacallit heads to name the sequel and it was candy bar it says right on the package candy bar named by lisa m

and it's chocolate chocolatey crisps and peanut butter candy bar it's more chocolate than the crisps than the whatchamacallit so when you were growing up both of you what counted as the good good stuff and what was the filler?

Reese's peanut butter cups is the good stuff.

Absolutely.

The filler was things like Smarties,

which were like, these are,

I will eventually get to these, but they are not, they're not high on the, on the agenda.

And to be clear, we're talking about, there's a British candy called Smarties, which people on the internet seem to think are pretty good.

But we're talking about

the little cylinder of tiny little pills.

Yes.

I think the definition of filler candy to me is that giant bag manufactured by the Tootsie Roll Corporation that has like vanilla Tootsie Rolls in it.

No one wants any of that.

I will say that I never liked Tootsie Rolls and still don't, but I did like the variety of those flavored, those other flavored ones.

I like the

fruity ones.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

It will not surprise either of you to learn that when we took it to the internet, Tootsie Rolls was the number one filler candy reported by people who follow us on social media.

Wow.

And not surprisingly, because they're disgusting, they don't taste good, and they look and are the texture of a bowel blockage.

But here's something

that is surprising.

There was lots of black licorice on the list of filler candy.

Because, you know, it's a heavy, that's a heavy flavor for a child.

Yeah.

But two people said Twizzlers were filler candy.

Do you agree or disagree?

I think any liquor is just filler candy.

But Jesse Thorne, you like a Twizzler.

I really like Twizzlers.

I like their waxy texture and their weird combination of flavorfulness and flavorlessness.

But I honestly think that they're second tier, but they're not filler.

I mean, the first tier, obviously, their pinnacle is obviously Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.

Below that is your higher quality candy bars, which would be like your, your Snickers and your Three Musketeers.

And certainly if you got, I mean, it would be an incredible Halloween were you to get like take five bars.

Right.

I mean, what a gift that would be.

That would be pretty hot, I would say.

Or Kit Kat Dark is good too.

Paul, you were going to say something?

I would say that the, like, the Hershey's miniatures would be.

sort of a second tier because they were so small, but they would still, other than the special dark, which as a a child was disgusting.

And as an adult, it's just not that good.

Those were like,

okay, I still got these.

These are my emergency rations.

But I remember things like Mary Jane's.

Do you remember Mary Jane's?

Which is like such a boardwalk empire candy.

Just weird.

What is it?

What is the flavor?

Just like maple or something.

I don't know.

I think that Hershey's variety is.

you've characterized it perfectly, Paul.

It is an emergency ration, but a sufficient one.

I would argue there's a reason that it's not called Mr.

Great Bar.

It's fine.

It's Mr.

Fine Bar.

It's fine.

It's good.

It's just fine.

You would never go to the store to buy it.

Well, so, all right.

Black licorice, Tootsie Rolls, even Twizzlers, they're second rate.

Here are some of the other suggestions from the internet.

Will any of you stand up for these filler candies and say they're actually first tier?

Candy corn.

Candy corn.

Trash, garbage filler, right?

Candy corn is the edible Easter grass.

You have to have it there.

Right.

Yeah.

Right.

For appearances.

It's a visual signifier.

Yes, exactly.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Halloween is happening and it's gross.

Circus peanuts.

Ugh.

No one gives that out.

It's banana flavored.

Why is it banana flavored?

It doesn't count as food.

All right, fair circus beans is out good and plenty oh garbage yeah garbage garbage right because it's licorice flavored is it not anise that anise flavor no kid wants it exactly here's another adult one score bar score bar oh i love filler no i think score bar is is top tier at the moon worm i think on instagram says milk duds are filler no no you disagree no they're not I don't know.

Here, I feel like nothing that is,

you know, good old American processed chocolate is filler.

A milk duds are gross, though.

They're great.

They're great.

Well, I'd gladly trade my milk duds.

I'd go two for one for something good.

Yeah.

Wow.

You'll be happy to hear, Paul, that at the underscore moonworm

doesn't hate milk duds for milk duds.

Simply the fact that the milk duds fun size box contains, quote, just like four duds.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That is a good point.

Step it up to eight duds.

Yeah.

I got to say, though, I think they were trying to help us out.

You don't need more than four milk duds.

They take a long time to eat.

What about York peppermint patties?

Oh, I love York peppermint patty.

York peppermint patties are good.

All right.

Because they were like an

off-the-beaten track kind of thing.

They seemed kind of grown-up because they were only grown-ups in the ads.

Yeah.

You know, it was like they would bite into it and then they would be,

you know, buried in a snowbank.

Yeah, that's McDiddy Pop.

McDiddy Pop on the internet said that the problem with these that made them filler is that they're for adults.

They were advertised to adults.

It's a strong flavor.

In the ads, you would take a bite of York peppermint patty and be like hit in the face with a blizzard and smile or whatever.

Exactly.

But a York peppermint patty is a classic refrigerator or a freezer candy,

which is the kind of experimentation that you can get involved in when you have a whole bag of candy.

Yeah.

But let's go, let's settle this now for Rhettic user spoozes.

Should you put only the good stuff out and end Halloween early, if necessary?

Or do you mix in some filler, if only to give some kids some breadth of knowledge of what all kinds of gross candy bars are out there?

Here's my question.

Are they saying that in addition to the normal amount of the good stuff they would buy, they would also purchase extra bags of filler so that

the candy supply overall lasts longer.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Just buy more of the good stuff.

I'm with Paul on the same thing.

If you're buying additional candy to make it last longer, just buy more of the stuff you're already buying.

I feel really strongly that if you live in a Halloween neighborhood, if you're lucky enough, as far as I'm concerned, to live in a Halloween neighborhood to get to

enjoy the experience of only one time a year getting to see all those adorable children in their adorable costumes.

I think you can make the room in your budget for the $35 it will cost to buy the good stuff.

Yeah.

And this one goes out to all the people who wrote in saying, My spouse or partner or friend or whatever feels I should buy more candy, but I don't want to waste the money.

It's garbage.

It's all garbage.

Yeah.

Like even if you have to buy nowadays, they put the filler into big combo bags with the goods.

Yes, that's right so you it's almost unavoidable to buy the filler buy extra bags of that and then throw the filler away i understand

that it's wasteful but it's all garbage it was garbage when it when it was born it is garbage when it goes to the garbage

just throw that stuff away and put in the good stuff i agree treat those kids don't trick them and by the way we're just presuming that those kids are going to have adorable costumes some of them might not be adorable at all and that's why you want to take pictures of all of them because one day one day that kid may be a senator that you want to cancel.

So just hang on to the photos.

You can use Charleston Chew to insulate your walls like old blue jeans.

Oh, I hear something.

It sounds like creepy mushy footsteps and moans.

Whoops.

Here comes a bog zombie.

Oh, another one of Aiden's cursed animatronics.

And looks like he has a dispute sticking out of the muck around his neck.

This one, it says, is from Chad in Edmonds, Washington.

I request a cease and desist on any kind of wearing a uniform as a costume on Halloween: Starbucks worker, cheerleader, any sports uniform.

I say it's lazy.

I answer the door in a full ape costume and throw banana laughy-taffy at the kids.

I expect some effort if I'm giving up free candy.

Paul, I do not like when a person

assumes or presumes that the children have to do something

to earn the candy.

Here's what they did.

They got born.

The end.

This is kid.

It's hard to be a kid.

You got to just give them candy.

This is their thing.

If you want to go the extra mile inside your own home and open the door in a costume and all that,

we could debate banana laughy taffy as something that kids have to earn all day but yeah talk about filler yeah but i mean you just if the kids if the kid makes it there you you give them something that's that's what it is you don't you don't like well where's my trick you have to do a trick which i hate when people first of all adults No, they don't have to do a trick.

Secondly, that's on you.

It's either you give me a treat or I will give do a trick on you.

I don't do that.

You don't make me do a trick for you.

The trick happens to you if you don't fork over that treat.

Yeah, exactly.

If the kid comes and they're dressed as, I don't know what, someone working at Subway or whatever,

truly one of the most terrifying costumes if you think about it.

Yeah.

And Chad is there in his ape costume going like, hmm, pretty lazy kid.

Well, that's when you TP him.

That's when you do the trick.

That's the trick.

Also, if a little kid is in a Starbucks uniform, that's a costume.

That little child doesn't work at Starbucks.

This This touches a really deep nerve for me, guys.

Why?

I don't know if I've shared this on this program, but when I was about 10 years old, I spent the entire month of October with the help of my mother and her friend Mark Farmer building a costume that was guy with a shark biting his head off.

It involved a chicken wire armature and spray-painted foam

and a shoulder mount.

So it was essentially on, it rested on top of my shoulders with its tail up in the air, if you could imagine.

It was like a giant, full, shark-shaped helmet that went over your whole head and shoulders.

Exactly.

And then I wore an Aloha shirt and shorts and so forth.

Sure.

And some blood.

In the Columbia Park Boys Club costume contest.

The stakes of which were very high.

First prize, I think, was a bunch of passes to Marine World Africa USA.

Second prize says dignifies.

I finished second.

First prize, you're fired

i finished second to a guy who just wore his dad's cop outfit wow cop outfit

and i ended up getting a case of diet cherry seven up

and a case of carnation instant breakfast as second prize that's the absolute filler right there oh my gosh was this a costume contest for adults and you shouldn't have been there

it

Yeah.

Diet soda and Carnation Instant Breakfast.

I really think there was just a dusty old storeroom at the Columbia Park Boys Club.

Sure.

They went in there and they found a case of Carnation Instant Breakfast from 1978.

You win this pound of sugar-free Brock's candy balls.

Exactly.

It was a really dark time in my childhood.

I have a question.

So wait a minute.

How old were you when you you did this costume, Jesse?

About 10.

So, the person who won wore his own father's policeman's uniform?

Yeah, and he was about my age, 9, 10.

Was he very tall or was his cop, was his dad a child cop?

No, he looked like a police officer slash 1920s clown with like super long sleeves.

Yeah.

And like a cop who is Benjamin Buttoning.

Exactly.

I don't think he had the, you know, gun or night stick or anything.

Well, put it that way, he really did earn those insured dietary supplements.

Man, he was probably getting splashed by orcas and just thinking about how pathetic I was for trying to make a costume instead of just wearing my dad's outfit from work.

Imagine if I had showed up at the Columbia Park Boys Club dressed in my father's nonprofit fundraising consultant outfit.

Frankly, that should be your Halloween costume this year.

What are you dressed as?

Veterans peace activist.

I'm going to dress as my dad, former head of the Department of Employment Security under Mike Dukakis in Massachusetts, 1978.

Hey, Chad, good for you for dressing up fancy and throwing laughy-taffy at kids.

But Paul F.

Tompkins is exactly right.

On Halloween, you work for the kids.

Exactly.

Don't work for you.

You never know what's going on in someone else's life, so don't call them lazy just because they're wearing a uniform.

Judge Hodgman, it just so happens that I was rooting around in the Bog Zombies empty eye socket, the sickeningly terrifying empty eye socket, and I found a dispute from Chrissy in Los Angeles.

Let's hear it.

My friends are having an alien-themed Halloween party, not the movie franchise, just anything extraterrestrial.

The problem is this.

I had my heart set on going as Andorra from Bewitched.

I think fantasy witches like Andorra should count as aliens.

They have supernatural powers and tend to be otherworldly.

My friends disagree.

Would it be weird to show up as my favorite TV mother-in-law?

Since aggressively shaking your head in disgust is a perfectly valid answer to this, and yet

does not show up on our audio feed.

Paul F.

Tompkins, will you take it from a facial expression all the way to words for us?

Chrissy, I'm very sorry, but you must not do this.

When somebody wants to have a theme for a party, it only works if everybody adheres to the theme.

That's the fun of it, is that you look around and there's all variations on this theme.

And if you're stretching it that far, it's not as much fun.

It's not, you know, the idea is that you're all doing the same thing.

And that might seem like a pain in the ass a lot of the time where you're like, I don't want to, I don't want to do that.

I don't want to have to, people have parties, and it's like everyone has to wear a hat.

And you might not be a hat person, you might not want to wear a hat, but you got to wear that hat.

You know what I mean?

Or don't go.

But you can't, you either go and you, you, you support the theme, or you don't go.

You can't find loopholes or stretch it or whatever.

Witches are not aliens.

They tend to be otherworldly, though.

That can mean so many things.

That could be Mikhail Baryshnikov.

Exactly.

So I feel like a witch is just not an alien.

That's not, that's not, they're from this world.

I absolutely promise you that without too much Googling, I could find someone who is called in to Coast to Coast AM to claim that indeed the Salem witch trials was an alien invasion.

I have no doubt of that.

But that does, but I fully support what you're saying, Paul.

Is that the kind of reasoning you want to use as a person?

Do you know what I mean?

Witches are not aliens.

You know what the theme is.

And Paul, I venture to ask you, person who remembers and got a lot of old television into their head because you grew up during the UHF era.

That's right.

In this year, 2023, when we have streaming, when we have so much competing for our time, would an Endora costume even work at a Halloween party?

I feel like Endora.

If you were to wear that costume today, it wouldn't look that much like a costume, actually.

It would just look like somebody kind of of dressed up for an event because you know the fashion was very sort of flowy not not quite moo moo's but more fashionable than that but like very flowy silken satiny garments and stuff like that and she had this uh this red sort of buffant and she had very elaborate eye makeup and if you saw somebody

If you didn't know that show and you saw somebody dressed like that, you would think, oh, are they going to an event of some kind?

Are they going to, you know, are they going to be on some red carpet somewhere?

If I saw someone dressed in this costume, I think I would think that they were doing like a drag Julie Klausner.

I didn't realize that she was played by, and Dora was played by legendary actor Agnes Moorhead.

That's correct.

And she did wear, she did have that.

very striking blue eyeshadow.

Yes.

I bet if you went to this party, people would just say, I don't know, what are you, kooky Instagram fashion influencer?

Are you on your way to another party?

They'd say to themselves, gosh, I don't know what character you are.

You're some kind of alien.

I would say to Chrissy that if you dressed as Agnes Moorhead, dressed as Endora,

and then you just put on a couple of like antennae, you know what I mean?

Like you put a little, some moon man antennae on top of your head, that you could just say, I'm the, I'm the, I'm the queen of Venus, and everyone would be happy.

Paul and Jesse, if we were to host a theme party, which is UHF television shows shown in the 80s, but dating back to the 60s, 50s, 40s, or whatever it was.

Who would you go as?

I'm going to go.

I'll give you a hint.

I'm going to go as Frank Nelson from the Jack Benny Show.

Yes.

I mean, if you're looking for ease and comfort, you can't beat the professor from Gilligan's Island.

That's good.

Shirt, pants, sneakers.

You're done.

Yeah.

You'd probably have to bring a radio made out of a coconut just so people would get it.

If you want to go that far.

I mean, if you're if you're doing that.

But if the theme is old TV shows, I suppose if you're doing that costume in the first place, you're obviously trying to cheat.

So, but it's an acceptable, I feel like it's an acceptable cheat on that theme.

Yeah.

I think I might, and my version of that cheat would, of course, be Gomez Adams from the Addams family.

Oh, you would be such a good Gomez.

Already got a mustache.

Put on a suit.

Jesse Thorne, you have any 50s, 60s TV show characters that you would go as?

Well, I'm a millennial, so UHF television was mostly from the 70s and 80s when I was a kid.

And I think I might go with maybe Reverend Jim.

Wow.

There we go.

That's perfect.

Reverend Jim.

Distinctive outfit.

We actually have a story from another friend of the court, Elizabeth Gilbert,

who I had forgotten the details.

And I probably told this story before about someone who showed up at a costume party in entirely the wrong costume.

And I asked Liz if she could remind me of the details.

And she did us the favor of simply recording it into a voice memo, which we'll play now.

So I met a guy at a party like 30 years ago around a keg of beer.

And he told me that his little brother was an artist.

And he came from this like blue-collar family where nobody was an artist, but his brother wanted to be an artist.

And he had gone to, instead of going to like trade school, he'd gone to Paris to learn how to be a painter and to live on the left bank and enjoy all of that.

And while he was in Paris, he met this group of young, friendly French aristocrats, which seems like a contradiction in terms, but they were all of those things.

They were young, they were friendly, they were French, and they were aristocrats.

And he met them in some bar and they loved him and thought he was very charming and interesting.

This blue-collar kid from somewhere outside of Boston, trying to be an artist.

So one of the aristocrats had an uncle who was a

count or a duke or a lord of some sort with

a castle in the Loire River Valley.

And they invited, they said every year he has this masquerade ball.

You can't miss it.

If you're going to see one amazing thing in Europe, you have to see this.

There's going to be actual crowd heads of Europe there.

Everybody is in costume.

It's amazing.

And

so he rented a car and he spent the whole week scavenging around Paris for ingredients to construct this incredible costume that he was going to wear this fall.

He found the castle.

He got there a little late.

He parked near the woods, changed into his costume, went and knocked on the door.

The butler opened and he said that his name was on the list.

And indeed it was.

And the butler took him to the ballroom and opened up the big doors of the ballroom.

And there he was standing at the top of the stairs looking down at this incredible event.

And that was the point at which he realized there had been some mistranslation.

It was indeed a costume party, but it was a themed costume party.

And the theme was a medieval court.

And everybody was dressed in incredible brocade and silk and

doublais and actual crowns with actual jewels.

And it was one of the most beautiful things he'd ever seen.

And our friend, who was dressed as a lobster,

He was also six foot six and very skinny and he had huge antennae and these massive foam articulated claws and he had a moment of, do you just run?

What do you do?

Do you just run?

But everybody had already spotted him and then he had this realization which was like, well, this is what I have to offer, right?

Like this is what I did.

This is what I made.

This is the only thing I have.

I love my costume.

I'm just going to go.

I love it.

So he crossed crossed the threshold and entered the ball, and the music stopped, and people gathered around him.

And as I remember it, the queen of Belgium said to him, What are you?

And he bowed from the waist and said, I am the court lobster.

Thank you.

That's a great story from Liz Gilbert that starts out sounding like a horror movie, frankly.

Someone should write the horror movie about a guy who gets taken in by a bunch of friendly, beautiful young French aristocrats and tempted to a party and then gets eaten, boiled alive and eaten.

But in any case, oh no, that phone is ringing again.

Hello?

It's 11:45, only 15 minutes left, and you've only ruled on three cases.

Damn you, Aiden!

The Reese's Pieces thing counts!

Reese's Pieces!

And we have to plug the shows that we're about to do.

Now it's 14 minutes.

We'll be right back with Paul F.

Tompkins on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Hi, I'm Alexis.

I'm one of the co-hosts of Comfort Creatures, and I'm here with River Jew, who has been a member since 2019.

Thank you so much for being a listener and a supporter of our show.

Yeah, I can't believe it's been that long.

Yeah, right?

As the Max Fun member of the month.

Can I ask what sort of made you decide to be a member?

I used to work in a library, so I just used to listen to podcasts while I reshelved all the books to really help with doing meeting at work.

So I just wanted to give back to what's been helping me.

Yeah.

It feels good to be part of that.

As the member of the month, you will be getting a $25 gift card to the Maximum Fund store, a member of the month bumper sticker, and you also, if you're ever in Los Angeles, you can get a parking spot at the Max Fun HQ just for you.

Yay!

I'm actually going to LA.

September, so I'll get to use the parking.

Yes.

Thank you so much, River, for doing this.

This has been an absolute blast.

Yeah, of course.

I've been so glad to be able to talk to you too.

And I'm so excited to be a member of the month.

Yay!

Become a Max Fun member now at maximumfund.org slash join.

Hey, everybody, I'm Jeremy.

I'm Oscar.

I'm Dimitri.

And we are the Euro Evangelists for a weekly podcast spreading the word of the Eurovision Song Contest, the most important music competition in the world.

Maybe you already heard Glenn Weldon of NPR's pop culture happy hour talk up our coverage of this year's year's contest.

But what do we talk about in the offseason?

The rest of Eurovision, duh.

There are nearly seven decades of pop music history to cover.

Mm-hmm.

We've got thousands of amazing songs, inspiring competitors, and so much drama to discuss.

And let me tell you, the drama is juicy.

Plus, all the gorillas and bread-bacon grandmas that make Eurovision so special.

Check out Euro Evangelists, available everywhere you get podcasts.

And you could be a Euro Evangelist too.

Ooh, I want to be one.

You already are.

It's that easy.

Okay, cool.

Judge Hodgman, we're taking a quick break from the docket.

Paul F.

Chompkins, you, of course, are perhaps America's most legendary comedy podcaster, the host and co-host of numerous brilliant comedy podcasts, including what are we looking at?

Stay of Homkins, Freedom, The Neighborhood Listen, to name but a few that are current.

What else have you got going on?

Are you going to be live in person anywhere?

Well, let me tell you, you can find me on the World Wide Web Sunday, the 29th of October, when I'll be joining the hosts of Too Scary Didn't Watch, a wonderful podcast that I'm a huge fan of.

And we will be recapping the Pope's Exorcist

live online.

Then,

November, Friday the 17th, I'll be in Charleston, South Carolina, bringing my variety show Variatopia there for the very first time.

I believe tickets are just about sold out, if not completely sold out, for the early show.

So get tickets for the late show.

and that's about it go to paulftompkins.com slash live for all of my tickety links now listen if you are if you're a listener in brooklyn and you went to go see variatopia in the bell house you know that the bell house is now uh mouldering ruins because that show just not brought the house down

also because it rained also also it rained

and no the bell house still stands and it is inspected every year for safety it's a good structure it does not collapse in the rain but the shows were incredible.

And so I charge you, the listeners, with this.

If you are at this show, you know how good it was.

You need to get on social media.

You need to get on email.

You need to get on the phone and tell your friends who can reach Charleston, get to the shows in Charleston.

It's a big mistake if you do not go.

It's always better when you're there.

Pauloff Tompkins, you're the best.

Thank you for being here.

Thank you for having me.

We're going on tour.

We've been on tour and we're going back out on the road starting October 29th.

We're looking at Atlanta, Georgia, Durham, North Carolina, Charlottesville, Virginia, Washington, D.C., Portland, Maine, Boston, Massachusetts, and of course the grand finale in Brooklyn, New York City.

All of those dates and ticket links online at vanfreaksroadshow.com.

Vanfreaksroadshow.com.

And we're going to have all kinds of fun and surprises.

Chuck Bryant is going to be from Stuff You Should Know will join us in Atlanta.

He's going to be playing some tunes and chatting with us.

All kinds of Jamel Bowie Bowie is going to be joining us on Halloween in Charlottesville, Virginia.

Linda Holmes will be joining us in D.C.

plus other special guests.

And of course, that big show in Brooklyn, it's at the Murmur Opera House, and we're going to have a grand old time.

And you don't know, you don't even know what's coming.

Can I ask you a question?

Did you intentionally book someone that has Boo in their name for Halloween?

Yes, Paul.

I guess we did.

I mean, my hat's off to you.

Jamal Bowie is a brilliant writer, contributes incredible essays to the op-ed section of the New York Times, also an incredible photographer, also an incredible film maven and podcaster himself, but also a renowned expert and tester of different cereals.

And I don't know when the last time he did a taste test of Count Chocula was,

but I think we're going to have to do that at Halloween on our show in Charlottesville, Virginia.

Don't you think, Jesse?

This is like, you know how when you're in the entertainment industry and you have children, you're just desperate that one thing that you do, one person you meet, one

show you get to make a guest appearance on, one thing that you write a person you write a joke for, whatever it is, just one of those things is going to impress your children.

Yes.

The only thing that I could ever do that would impress any of my children is.

have Jamal Bowie do a breakfast cereal review on Judge John Hodgman, which will absolutely floor my daughter, Grace.

Hey, make sure you floor Jesse's children and have a good time yourself.

Go to vanfreaksroadshow.com.

Submit your cases, particularly for Atlanta and Brooklyn right now.

We still are looking for cases.

We've got some.

We need more.

At vanfreaksroadshow.com.

There's a link there to maximumfund.org slash JJ Ho for cases.

And I charge you, the listener, if you're in any of our shows in Lexington or Madison or St.

Paul or Chicago or Austin and you had a good time, tell your friends, go to vanfreaksroadshow.com, have them join us in the cities we got coming up.

It's going to be a really good time.

I'm just getting this word in my ear right now.

Joel Mann and the night and day trio will be joining us in Portland, Maine, to provide musical accompaniment and a dispute with Joel's own human wife, who's a whole human being in her own right.

VanFreaksRoadshow.com.

It's a good time.

And we hope to see you there.

It's better when you're there.

Let's get back to the docket.

Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

We are handcuffed to radiators here at MaxFun HQ and clearing out the Halloween docket with friend of the court, Paul F.

Tompkins.

So we now have like about 12 minutes to rule on 10 more Halloween disputes or else we will starve to death in Aiden's death trap.

Well, I mean, not me, because I'm not handcuffed, so I could eat either one of you or both.

Okay, well, I'm going to say let's hope it doesn't come to that.

Doesn't look like Aiden is sending any more animatronics in here with cases.

So I'm going to go to the mailbox.

Here's something from Reddit user Just a hominid.

My wife and I devote the month of October to watching scary movies.

We have a cute name for it.

We call it Scary Movie Month.

Wow.

But now my wife is starting to suggest we watch scary movies any time of year.

I think this makes scary movie month less special.

Who's right?

Paul, do you have a top scary movie this Halloween season?

I am a fan of Mike Flanagan's horror series.

I'm halfway through the latest one and enjoying it very much.

But we also do a scary movie month.

We don't necessarily watch one every day, but

that's kind of all we watch during October.

So I feel like you can watch them any time of year if come October.

you're exclusively watching scary movies.

Oh,

sometimes a horror movie comes out in March.

And as strange as that is, it's like, what are you going to wait that long to watch a movie you might be interested in watching?

I think you should watch it.

I think you should watch them when you want to watch them.

What is your favorite one that you always watch every Halloween time?

An old classic, a new classic?

Oh, man.

I'll tell you for me, and obviously the person who directed this movie is a literal monster.

But I still watch Rosemary's Baby.

Oh, sure.

Every Halloween.

Another movie directed by that same monster and starring that monster is The Tenant, which is.

Oh, I've never seen that.

Oh, it is.

I tell you what.

I have blocked out everything about it because it is one of the most unsettling movies I've ever seen.

Yeah.

One of my favorite Halloween seasons, I may have discussed it before, is when our daughter was just old enough to start watching scary movies.

Maybe 10 or 11, I feel like.

And I'm like, you definitely want to check out David Cronenberg's The Brood.

Truly one of the scariest movies I've ever seen.

Truly disturbing movie, largely about parenting and bad parenting.

And I was embodying it.

It was one of those moments where I think it was just the right amount above her pay grade.

She was very scared, but she was also very intrigued because she was like,

why would my father think I would like this?

That was due to the question in her mind.

That's the real horror.

Yeah, that's the real horror.

That's a movie that I started to watch.

And then it was so of its time that I was like, I I don't know if I can concentrate on that.

Really?

Yeah, I've always felt like I have to go back and try again with that.

Well, because I feel like it's you come for the murderous little troglodyte children in pastel-colored

jumpers.

Didn't even get to them, but you stay.

I swear to God, I got like 10 minutes into that movie.

To me, you come back for the wild 70s fashions and not just 70s fashions, but Ontarian, Canadian 70s interior designs and incredibly shaggy shaggy carpets.

It was great.

I love it.

Jesse, how do you feel about the idea of scary movie month versus scary movie year?

Because of my daughter's special interests roughly 18 months ago, I've seen a lot of scary movies.

Oh.

Scary movie, scary movie two, scary movie three, epic movie.

Oh, okay.

The films, they are not strong.

No.

What about the best of us?

But you don't like horror movies in general.

No, I have.

I was somebody asked me the day before yesterday, I think we might have been together, John, what

scary movies I'd like.

And I mentioned that I had really loved the movie The Lighthouse, and they said that's not a, that's not a horror movie for some reason.

Well, who was the person who asked you if you liked scary movies?

Was it

was it the killer from Scream?

No, it was our tour producer, Laura.

Oh, right.

Dressed as the killer from Scream.

Laura's the Killer from Scream?

Sorry.

Maybe not in the reboot.

I'm not sure.

You thought she was the lead singer of the band Scout with a K, but she's actually.

She's actually the killer from Scream.

Yeah, I got to say just a hominid.

It's fine to watch a scary movie sometime or another outside of Scary Movie Month.

As long as you're curating the best scary movie month you can.

Yes.

Watch whatever movie you want.

Here's a case about decorations from Caitlin in Linfield, Massachusetts.

Is it okay to put out realistic horror decorations in kid-heavy neighborhoods?

Today, I drove by a house that had on display a life-size Michael Myers with a bloody chainsaw.

People like what they like, but are these people going to pay for my children's therapy bills?

First of all,

this house is terrible and should take this down because Michael Myers doesn't use a chainsaw.

That's exactly right.

Did I take what you were going to say, Paul?

No, you did not, but you're right.

Exactly.

Like, get it together.

He never used a chainsaw.

Not once did he use a chainsaw.

Once.

Not even to chop wood.

Yeah.

I don't even know if a chainsaw appears in the Halloween franchise.

I know, Paul and Jesse, the people in Los Angeles, and by people I mean Dana Gould and Pat and Oswalt and some others really love decorating for Halloween.

What's the scariest house?

or the most elaborately decorated house you ever saw at Halloween time.

Oh, man, you know what?

We were in New Orleans a few years ago

in October.

And

those, there was like a street.

I can't remember which street it was, but they, these people like went for it.

There was this very

elaborate Betelgeuse-themed house that had

everything you could want.

It had the couple with the stretched out faces.

It had Betelgeuse himself.

It had a big striped worm.

Like they, they really, it was great.

They, they really went for it.

Let me ask you this question.

Were they handing out Zagnut bars?

Yes or no?

It was not Halloween exactly, and we were not trick-or-treating.

So I do not know the answer to that question.

Forget it.

They're dead to me.

But if I may, I feel like I have seen so many videos from friends of mine of their little kids.

seeing scary Halloween stuff and loving it.

Like they, you know, they, to them, it's like, they know that these things aren't real and that, especially when you're seeing them during the day, you know, you know that these things are not real.

You know that they're decorations.

And I see little kids like really enjoying them.

And just so you know, the person that's going to be responsible for your kids needing therapy is you.

That's just the way it goes.

That's parents and children.

There's no way around that.

It's not going to be the inflatable Oogie Boogie from A Nightmare Before Christmas.

No, no.

That you see in some yard somewhere.

It's going to be because of a thing you said that you don't even remember that you said.

100%.

It's going to be you, parents.

Yeah, I don't know.

Jesse, do you remember, was it last year or the year before

we had a question for Halloween?

And my memory is that the dad liked to dress as the rabbit from Donnie Darko and sit in the in the middle of a garage, like an open garage, and he had the candy on the table in front of him, and he just sat there motionlessly.

And the kids had to come in and get the candy.

That to me is a little bit more terrifying.

I don't, I don't really like that.

There's some people that are very fond of doing that.

And, you know,

I think that you do have to make a decision whether your house is going to be spooky or spoopy.

You're either going to go kind of a

you used a word that I'm not familiar with.

Spoopy?

Spoopy?

Yeah.

You don't know spoopy?

No, what does that mean?

It's like spooky, but cute kind of.

Oh, you know?

Yeah.

And if you're going to lean more on jack-o'-lanterns and more cartoony kind of things, then sort of more nightmare before Christmas as opposed to, you know, hell house.

You know, but you want to have a uniformity of design.

Yeah, what you want is spooky or very spooky.

You can even, I think, err gently on the side of scary.

but horrifying,

that's the line.

You know what?

I'll offer this.

If you're, let's say, because I know people are fond of doing this.

If you're going to lay in wait for children in a costume or in a, in a barrel or whatever it is you have set up where the kids have to come to you to get the candy, you do have to go, you have to make a judgment on how old are these kids?

Can they handle this?

If they're like, like tweens or whatever, yeah, jump out at them.

If they're little kids, you just sit there like you actually are a statue and you don't move.

And that make that a fun challenge for you

rather than challenging these small children.

Yeah, don't move and shut up for once.

That's a good challenge for most adults, especially dads.

I would say that Paul is exactly right.

And I think that that's what we determined with regard to, and people will write me letters, but with regard to Donnie Darko in the garage,

that

the dad had to make a determination as to whether the kids could handle it or not.

But I'm going to say, here's a rule of thumb.

It's not a law, but it's a rule of severed thumb for Halloween.

And that is, everyone understands that the front of your house

during trick-or-treat times is a theater.

It is a show place.

The porch.

The yard, the steps up to your door, the stoop.

The stoop.

Like, what if you want to make it stoopy?

That's all that's all theater, right?

And I think that you can probably convey, even to small kids, this is all just part of the show.

And you can probably go pretty hard scare in

the theatrical realm, which is the public space in front of your home.

But luring kids into a garage, I don't care what day of the year it is, that's not a good look ever.

I would say jumping out of a secret place or luring them into a private space as part of your game is probably something you should set aside.

I don't know.

Maybe it's a tradition in your neighborhood.

I don't want to get your letters, but that's my good rule of severed thumb.

Judge John Hodgeman.

You can use that if you want.

Thank you.

I don't know if this counts as a whole case.

We're running out of time.

Stephen in Minneapolis writes, is shooting fog from a fog machine at kids as they walk up to the house too spooky or rude?

Shooting a fog machine at kids.

Shooting

to me.

Yeah.

Don't shoot anything at kids.

Is it like a jet of fog?

It's like a surprise.

It's a.

Oh, one of those kind of things.

Is it a single poof?

Jesse, you've seen this in action?

No, but I'm imagining what it is, and I think I support it.

I think it is

not too scary,

mostly just fun.

I don't think it's too scary.

I think it's fun.

I would, if it were me, I would opt for a, a nice layer of fog, um, on the ground and, uh, and I would shoot air at them, much in the way the poison darts are simulated in the um Indiana Jones ride.

I think that sounds good.

I would take the, I would take a baseline of fog, shoot air at them, like in the Indiana Jones ride, and then drip a bunch of water on them like every ride at Universal Studios for some reason.

Like, why am I getting dripped on in the mummy?

There's a lot of dripping.

But yes.

But I would also say, Stephen in Minneapolis,

read the ingredients in your fog juice.

Yeah.

Before you start shooting fog jets into kids' faces, for example.

I'm not an expert, but it seems to me like you might want to keep that stuff down, Paul F.

Tompkins style around ankle level.

I'm not sure whether you're suggesting about poofing it in their faces, but if you poof anything in anyone's face, read the ingredients, make sure that it's safe.

I say you never want to obscure anyone's vision with any of the things that you do.

Oh, really?

Oh, because we have a tradition in my neighborhood where I dress up as Slenderman and I wait until the kids are at my door.

Then I come from my neighbor's house and I put my arms, put my hands in front of their eyes.

That's different.

And then I drag them into a different apartment.

Yeah, that's

that's fun, right?

It's all in good fun.

That's the Slenderman motto.

It's all in good fun, gang.

Here's one from Reddit user Patrick Morgan08.

I find Halloween decorations to be extraordinarily tacky.

Apologies to the nice young man who has the Spirit Halloween wiki.

My wife loves Halloween decorations.

How do we decide on how to decorate?

I don't want anything more than a tasteful harvest season display.

If it were up to her, we'd have a 12-foot skeleton.

Oh, no.

Well, first of all, I just want to say the nice young man who has the Spirit Halloween wiki is really nice.

And Halloween decorations are great, especially all the great animatronics from Spirit Halloween, whether it's Harvester of Souls or Dangerous Dolly or

Murderous Clown, whatever it is.

It's terrific and no one should ever slander them.

And frankly,

Patrick Morgan, 08, you go into the cornfield.

You're bad.

Aiden is good.

But are there any, are there any, just hypothetically, are there any uh uh compromise positions between scary and simply seasonal?

Like a haunted cornucopia, yeah, like a haunted cornucopia that's filled with little skulls.

We just got rich, Paul.

Definitely not a bad idea.

Um, I would say if where you are is tasteful harvest season display and your wife is a 12-foot skeleton, I would go

gothic.

I would, I would have little, there's little, you could have like,

you know, like your sort of harvest, you know, colors and everything, but you could also have like a fake raven or something like that.

You know what I mean?

Like there's things there.

Like you could have a skull that

as a candle holder, you know, like there are things that are not, that look a little more

grown up.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Which still look, they can still look kind of tasteful without being,

you know, as obvious as some of the other stuff.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

It can't be.

It can't be midnight already.

Jesse Thorne, check your watch.

What time is it?

Here's one from Marie Bardi Salinas.

Are those giant skeletons from Home Depot cool or are people just showing off?

Both.

Both.

Do we have any money?

Oh, no.

We're out of time.

We've only done seven.

We've only done seven.

With the Reese's Pieces?

Yes or no?

Yeah, with the Reese's Pieces.

Oh, and I said it the wrong way, too.

Paul, hand me the phone.

Time's up, John and Jesse.

But don't worry.

I will let Paul F.

Tompkins go.

Great.

Once he has feasted on your bones.

No, not great, Paul.

Aiden, Aiden, I'm so sorry.

We didn't mean to exploit your content.

We like you a lot.

And

what can we do to get out of this?

We'll plug your YouTube channel.

YouTube.com/slash at Aiden K2004.

YouTube.com slash at A-I-D-A-N-K2004, please.

YouTube channel?

Do you think I handcuffed you to a radiator just to plug my YouTube channel?

I'm not a monster.

But I will say this: every year I host a haunted house to raise money for our local food pantry.

Food insecurity is at an all-time high in this country right now.

If you encourage your listeners to find their local food pantry and make a donation and then go to my YouTube channel, then I will set you free.

Ah,

the door is unlocked, and my handcuffs just open.

We are free.

Oh, thank God, or whatever.

Oh, John.

Looks like Toothie the Clown came to life and locked the door again.

Oh, and now there are dozens of spirit Halloween animatronics coming in through the air ducts.

There's menacing Molly, ooh, the death stalker, Mr.

Punchy, little skelly bones.

My toys, I can't control them anymore.

They have come to life and are going on a murderous rampage.

I'm sorry, such John Hodgman.

Good luck!

Damn it, you clowns!

Shut your pie hole!

Ow!

Ow, Mr.

Punchy's punching me!

Paul, I'm sorry.

I lured you to your death.

John, wait.

Those creepy dolls from before, are they singing?

Dolls.

Abby's creepy dolls from Dolly Pardon.

They're coming to life.

Prudence, Delilah, Ruth, Debbie, they're picking up weapons.

They're fighting the clowns.

I told you they're my friends.

The creepy dolls are fighting the Spirit Halloween animatronics and it looks exactly like what you would imagine it in your head if you were hearing it.

The dolls have won you guys.

They have set the murderous animatronics on fire and it was very easy to set them on fire because of their cheap cloaks and clown costumes.

Now I don't think Spirit Halloween is ever going to sponsor us.

Well, that's over.

Got to go.

Okay.

Bye, Paul.

Paul, thank you very much for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast this Halloween.

I hope that you have a safe and healthy, scary season.

I can't hear you.

Sorry,

he left.

Jesse, are we okay?

Yeah, I think we are.

And I'm prepared to pronounce this jacket is clean.

Oh, scary.

That's it for another episode of Judge John Hodgman.

Judge John Hodgman was created by Jesse Thorne and John Hodgman.

Marie Barty Salinas runs our social media.

Our producer is Jennifer Marmer.

We're on Instagram at Judge John Hodgman.

Follow us there for evidence and for other photos from the show.

We posted some fun pictures of us with some meat that Aaron Franklin gave us at Franklin's Barbecue in Austin, Texas.

We have a lot of fun on social media.

Well, you know what?

Our social media is still fun.

It's just not debilitatingly sad like some other social media.

It's fun.

Check out the Maximum Fun subreddit, maximumfund.reddit.com, where you can discuss all the decisions in this episode.

And we're headed to the East Coast.

That's right.

As mentioned, we're just about to start our second and final leg of the Van Freaks Road It's not too late to send us your cases, especially if you live in New York City, any of the boroughs there.

So send in your disputes to maximumfund.org slash JJHO.

Get your tickets and other show details at bit.ly slash vanfreaks or vanfreaksroadshow.com.

And of course, we're eager to hear about all your disputes on any subject.

No case too small.

That URL, maximumfund.org/slash jjho.

We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Maximum Fun, a worker-owned network of artists-owned shows, supported directly by you.