No-Glow Contendere

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman Podcast.

I'm summertime, fun-time guest bailiff Monty Belmonte.

This week, no glow contendre.

Michelle brings the case against her husband, Rob.

Rob is restoring an old grandfather clock to make it usable as a display case.

Michelle would like to display her uranium glass collection in the clock under a blacklight, but Rob thinks adding a blacklight will look tacky.

Will Michelle's black-lit uranium make Rob's grandfather clock come to life like Charlie Bucket's golden ticket made his derelict grandfather come back to life?

Or will the black light make the grandfather clock look tacky like the 2022 film Blacklight made the grandfatherly aged actor Liam Neeson look tacky?

Only one can decide.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and presents an obscure cultural reference.

Yeah, I made a paper-mâché walrus.

I made a Scoprion.

And then I thought, if I can make whatever I want, why not make a creature that doesn't exist?

So I made a unihorn.

Summertime fun time guest bailiff Monty Belmonte, please swear the litigants in.

Michelle and Rob, please rise.

Rob, raise your hour hand.

Michelle, raise your minute hand.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

So help you, Cogsworth from Beauty and the Beast, or that glow-in-the-dark doors poster I had in my teenage bedroom, or whatever?

Wowie, Zowie.

I do.

Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that his honor brings a black light to every hotel he's booked in, but not to look for icky bodily fluids, simply to divine for potential uranium mines?

I do.

Yes.

Judge Hodgman, you may proceed.

Wow.

Monty Belmonte.

Not merely making a meal out of it.

It was a whole New England clam bake

of puns and

extra jokes.

It's great to be back.

I'm back in Maine, Monty.

I'm back in New England.

Good to be here back in WERU.

89.9 FM broadcasting from the solar-powered studios here in Orland, Maine, to the entire Blue Hill Peninsula and the world

at weru.org.

And Monty Belmonte, you're out there in Western Massachusetts.

Of course, Monty, you are the host of the fabulous 413,

an afternoon talk and feature show exploring everything that's great about the Pioneer Valley, Western Mass, and beyond.

How's everything going there?

Amazing.

Tomorrow we're going to Tanglewood and we might get to interview John Williams.

So I'm very excited.

Wowie, Zowie.

Yeah, very famous musical composer oh michelle and rob you're here too we are joining us from seattle i believe and what is your public radio station we are here at kuow

yeah

i i love kuow and i've i've been in those studios as well and uh they're very gracious and very clean over there kuow

all right now i'm settled i got to settle back in to maine the pace of maine joel what's the pace of maine pretty slow pretty slow that's right all i know about maine is murder, she wrote.

What was the name of the town where she, where all his murders took place?

Cabot Cove.

Not a real place in Maine.

Not a real place in Maine.

And actually,

not as many murders in Maine as you might think watching that show.

Oh, that's disappointing.

But now you may be seated for an immediate summary judgment in one of yours favors.

Can either of you remember the cultural reference that I quoted as I entered this courtroom?

I remember that the last word was unihorn.

But that's not the word you should be listening for.

Okay.

I'm giving you a big hint.

Michelle, you got to guess where that comes from?

I really have no clue.

So I'm going to go with an old favorite, Batman the Animated Series.

Batman the Animated Series.

I don't think I've ever done a quote from Batman the Animated Series, and I should.

You should.

Terrific cartoon.

Terrific cartoon.

All right, Rob, your turn.

What do you guess?

I'm going to go with labyrinth.

Pretty confident that's not it, but I don't know.

You know, these normally, these cultural references have some, perhaps tenuous, but always some connection to the case at hand.

Was there a word that jumped out at you when I read that?

I'm assuming.

Scoprian.

Exactly.

Look, I'll reveal the answer to you.

That is from the Casper Hauser Comedy Podcast, a maximum fun podcast, one of their best.

episodes, episode 11.

It was their parody of this American life.

And Rob Bedeker does an incredible Iraglass.

And after interviewing Dan, Dan plays this guy who makes these paper-mâché animals, including a paper-miche unihorn.

He plays this guy, Roger.

And Dan Bedeker's Iraglass after that goes, Roger is one of a small group of fantasy animalists who believe it shouldn't be called a unicorn.

It should be called a unihorn.

Because what does it have one of?

A horn or a corn?

Really, really, really funny.

Really funny.

And all still available over there at maximumfun.org, the Kasperhauser comedy podcast, Kasperhauser terrific sketch comedy group.

And the reason that I read this was because I love them so much and I wish they would make more podcasts, but also

because even though all of that is very funny and a unicorn instead of unicorn is very funny, I always think of Scopreon.

For some reason, he says, I made a Scopreon, and there's no reason whatsoever this guy can't pronounce Scorpion.

And it just makes me laugh every time.

Scopreon.

Now, what would a Scorpion have to do with the case at hand?

Your uranium glass collection and your grandfather clock?

Any guesses?

I believe that scorpions fluoresce under UV light.

That is correct.

Much like uranium glass

and like those incredible black light posters they used to sell at Spencer's Gifts

in the Chestnut Hill Mall and other malls around the world.

Scopreons fluoresce,

they light up under long ultraviolet ray lights, black lights as we call them.

So, yes, that was the connection.

You made the connection.

Good for you, Michelle.

You are the one who collects the uranium glass, correct?

That's correct.

Yeah, so you know about things lighting up in black light, but I can't give the case to you as a result because you didn't name the Kasperhauser comedy poppes.

That was the answer I was looking for.

So, Michelle, you are the one who collects the uranium glass.

Are you the one who seeks justice in court?

I am.

And what is the nature of your complaint?

So, I do have a small collection of uranium glass that I hope to enhance.

And I feel the only correct way to display it is under a blacklight.

And so I feel like that is what it should be.

Who's standing in your way, Rob?

Yes, Rob, my husband.

So what's your complaint against Rob?

That he is refusing to install a blacklight in this cabinet.

uh that he is putting together for the uranium glass.

Rob, how do you respond?

It's not the installation of a black light in the cabinet.

It is primarily the

installation of the black light in the cabinet and keeping it in our in our dining room and having it on 365 days a year that is that is concerning to me.

And we're not we're not just we're not just talking about any cabinet here, right?

We're talking about what, a grandfather clock?

Correct.

So we found a grandfather clock on the side of the road

that,

you know, it's entered were

we're not in, yes, it's innards were not in good shape.

We actually have another chiming clock in our dining room, like a

wall clock.

So I wasn't,

while I was enthusiastic about the grandfather clock, I didn't really feel like we needed another clock in the same room.

Michelle eventually convinced me that it would be a good idea to transform the clock into a display cabinet, which I do woodworking.

So I'm, you know, I'm happy to make that happen.

And then she later,

you know, gave the idea of we should, we should, you know, turn it into a display cabinet, specifically for the uranium glass, install black lights.

And then I believe the theory is that we should have them on a timer that comes on, you know, evening every day at dusk to make sure that they glow.

And I'm a bit concerned about having uh,

you know, the the typical blacklight glow in our dining room every day.

Because it looks like a crummy dorm room.

Exactly.

That is not the vibe that I'd like for my dining room.

Monty.

Judge.

They're picking up grandfather clocks from the side of the road and collecting uranium glass.

My kind of nerds.

They're living the dream in Seattle.

Absolutely.

Joel, what's the most interesting thing you ever found by the side of the road in Maine?

You can get so much good free stuff on the side of the road.

Like what?

A grandfather clock?

One time I saw a sign that just said free.

And you took the sign?

Yeah.

All right.

In Abbott Cove, you can find a grandfather by the side of the road.

Yeah.

You know what they have in Cabot Cove?

Corpses.

That's all they have by the side of the road in Cabot Cove.

Corpses.

You two are married to one another.

Is that correct?

We are.

Yes.

Do you have kids?

We do.

We have one 10-year-old.

An only child?

An only child, yes.

Wow.

Yeah.

Only child with the most interesting parents in Seattle.

I love it.

You guys are having a good time.

We do try.

Michelle, uranium glass.

I'm going to take a wild guess and figure that most of our listeners aren't intimately familiar with the craft of uranium glass.

What is it?

And

what makes it special?

Right.

Well, so it is kind of what it sounds like.

I believe it was most popular in the 1920s, but sort of started being made in the late 1800s um and it's glass that was made and infused with small amounts of uranium um so it's and why would why would someone do this is it part of a murder scheme a slow murder you have to send in uh angela lansbury um no it was just apparently uranium and things glowing was very trendy right then around the turn of the century uh there were maybe some things they didn't know um about that, but uh it was really popular to have and so it's sort of exactly what you would think.

It's a bright green color.

Sometimes it's a little more translucent, and they call that Vaseline glass

because it sort of looks like Vaseline has been molded into something.

And

isn't the uranium dangerous?

According to the internet,

the amount in uranium glass is so low that it is not a danger.

But on the other hand, how many pieces of uranium glass would you say you have?

Ballpark?

We have three right now.

Ballpark three.

Three pieces.

And did they all come from the same estate sale or whatever?

No, they've been gathered from various estate sales or antique stores.

And are you the original owner?

No, no, definitely not.

Would it be safe to guess that the original owners are all dead?

Almost certainly, yes.

Because of the uranium glass serial killer, or because when you say the turn of the century, you mean 1899 to 1900, not 1999 to 2000?

That's a good point.

Yes, I do mean 1899 to 1900.

They were an old-timey decorative glassware.

What are the shapes of the three pieces that you've got?

What do you got?

Like a candy bowl?

Yes, there are three actually candy bowls.

Those are very common.

You sent in a photo of your uranium glass collection, your three candy bowls.

Yes.

These images are available, obviously, at the show page at maximumfund.org, as well as our Instagram account at judgejohnhodgman.

These don't look like Vaseline to me.

The one in front is a Vaseline glass, the shorter, stubbier one.

That would be the Vaseline glass, because the other ones are more opaque, sort of yellow.

What would you call those?

Snot glass?

We could.

Do they have a terminology?

Not that I'm aware of.

I think it's just uranium glass.

Because there's custard glass, Jadite glass, depression glass, and Burmese glass that I see here on the uranium glass Wikipedia page.

I'm going to take a guess and say semi-opaque or opaque pale yellow would be custard glass, and opaque or semi-opaque pale green is Jadite.

Which would you think it is?

I would say they're Jadeite using those definitions.

There's no mention of Vaseline glass on

the Wikipedia.

There is.

Yeah, yeah, there is.

Don't worry.

I just put it in.

I'm editing the page as we speak.

No, it's in there.

They look like very nice pieces.

How did you start collecting them?

I think we saw one of them.

I don't remember which came first, but saw it either at an estate sale or an antique store.

And I was always aware that Vaseline glass or uranium glass was a thing, thought it was really cool.

And since it was a small piece that was affordable, decided to go for it.

I don't want to be rude, but how much are we talking?

Oh, maybe like $15.

You're not into uranium glass to strike it rich at the Antiques Road Show.

You're just in it.

You're just in it for the Vaseline-shaped candy bowl.

Exactly.

And for things to glow.

You say you were aware that uranium glass was a thing.

I was not.

And I know a lot of weird things.

When did you first hear about this?

This glow-up class?

I honestly, I don't know.

I do.

So I have, I have sort of a glass collection that goes beyond this.

Okay.

At my home, I inherited a milk glass collection from my grandmother.

And milk glass, you mean it's opaque glassware in a milky color, not

glassware for milk, right?

No, yes.

It's a white,

opaque glass.

Yeah, I'm looking at your collection here.

It looks like you've got quite a few, looks like

coffee cups or teacups, quite a few platters, a couple of goblets,

a huge, incredible punch bowl, I got to tell you right there.

That's right, yes.

Those were all purchased using SNH green stamps by my grandmother in the 50s and the 60s.

By your grandmother.

I was like, how retro is Michelle that she's actually buying things with SNH green stamps.

Who takes those in this day and age?

You also have a baby cup, which is not milk glass with two handles.

It is a baby cup featuring scenes from Peter Rabbit.

I believe it is.

That belonged to Rob as a baby.

It did.

Your mother just said it.

Just understand Rob because it seems to me it belonged to me, John Odgman.

Oh.

You think I know all about these Peter Rabbit double-handled babies' cups because

I'm an enthusiast?

No,

I had that cup.

Where'd you get it?

Did you take it from my home, Rob?

Maybe my mom did.

I mean,

if Michelle got it from my mom, I can't speak to her whereabouts during your childhood.

That would be, I wish Angela Lansbury were around to solve this mystery because that would be one cozy mystery.

And then you have another collection that I'm looking at here.

These trays.

Yes.

What are these trays all about?

These are called, I hope I'm saying it correctly, Korok trays.

I've seen trays like this.

In fact, Michelle, these are black trays.

They're almost like

they're some kind of composite material, maybe like Bakelite or something.

And inlaid into the trays are little figures.

And there's one that has a little figure of a red cardinal,

which I also have that one.

So

what is happening?

When I'm in Maine,

do you both fly to my home in New York and steal from me?

I think we'd have to put Angela Lensbury on that case.

I can't give any more information.

Rest in power, Jessica Fletcher.

You're listening to Judge John Hodgman.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast, always brought to you by you, the members of maximumfun.org.

Thanks to everybody who's gone to maximumfun.org slash join.

And you can join them by going to maximumfun.org slash join.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by Made In.

Let me ask you a question.

Did you know that most of the dishes served at Tom Clicchio's craft restaurant are made in, made in pots and pans?

It's true.

The Brace Short Ribs, Made In, Made In.

The Rohan Duck Riders of Rohan, Made In, Made In.

That heritage pork chop that you love so much, you got it.

It was made in, made in.

But Made In isn't just for professional chefs.

It's for home cooks too.

And even some of your favorite celebratory dishes can be amplified with Made In cookware.

It's the stuff that professional chefs use, but because it is sold directly to you, it's a lot more affordable than some of the other high-end brands.

We're both big fans of the carbon steel.

I have a little carbon steel skillet.

that my mother-in-law loves to use because cast iron is too heavy for her, but she wants that non-stick.

And I know that she can, you know, she can heat that thing up hot if she wants to use it hot.

She can use it to braise if she wants to use it to braise.

It's an immensely useful piece of kitchen toolery.

And it will last a long time.

And whether it's

griddles or pots and pans or knives or glassware or tableware, I mean, you know, Jesse, I'm sad to be leaving Maine soon, but I am very, very happy to be getting back to my beloved made-in entree bowls.

All of it is incredibly solid, beautiful, functional, and as you point out, a lot more affordable because they sell it directly to you.

If you want to take your cooking to the next level, remember what so many great dishes on menus all around the world have in common: they're made-in,

made-in.

For full details, visit madeincookware.com.

That's m-a-d-e-i-n cookware.com.

Let them know Jesse and John sent you.

so michelle you have a lot of collections i do yes i admit it and you know there's long-standing precedent that the difference between a hoard and a collection is a display case that is true yes

and i see that your milk glass is tidally

arranged in cabinetry yes which is good

uh your kurock tray collection is spread out all over the dining room table the tray collection is is currently homeless.

So you don't have a display case for your Kurok collection?

No, no, not yet.

Oh, wait a minute.

Now, spoons, travel spoons, too?

Most of the spoons have a home, correct?

Maybe not displayed is the set of 10 or 15 that have.

There is some overflow.

That is correct.

Rob, does Michelle have a problem with collecting?

She has a problem with not stopping collecting.

I'm supportive of starting the collections,

but they do not have a stopping point,

which is a concern for the small uranium glass collection today.

Are there any other collections that I need to know about, Michelle, besides the spoons, the milk glass,

the trays, and the

beginnings of a uranium glass collection?

I believe that you should know about Rob's weird collection, which

is also pictured.

Tell me,

you got to tell me that he collects Lazy Susans, Michelle.

You know why?

Turn about his fair play.

Go get them.

We do have a pretty sizable hot sauce

collection on a Lazy Susan on the middle of our dining room table.

It's featured in several of these photos,

and I appreciate that.

What are Rob's collections?

So I'll start with what I find the normal collection.

He collects wooden boxes, sort of inlaid,

you know, puzzle boxes, that kind of thing.

So they're quite lovely.

I fully support that.

It goes with his woodworking hobby.

I see the photos of them here.

They're very nice, Rob.

Thank you.

Thank you.

And they're arranged on a desk in a nice way.

But also, Rob, I want to ask you, there's a little, there's a little, like a little bust, a little sculpture, and maybe in wood.

Who's that?

That is a wooden bust of Batman that

I made as a

test carve on my CNC router

that I use for woodworking.

You know, normally, and I can say this from experience, in a household where there are two parents and one child, an only child, it's the only child who's the lovable weirdo.

The two parents are normals.

But

the two of you, I mean, I can't, either your child is the, the most lovable weirdest of all time or the most square individual I will ever meet.

Say he's pretty normal.

Yeah, he's actually pretty, pretty normal, pretty straight-edged, definitely a rule follower.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, he's an only child.

Of course, he's going to follow the rules.

I just mean to say his eccentricity level, for him to rebel against his parents, he's going to have to rid himself of every eccentricity of all kind and just be the most norm core human of all kind of all time if he were to rebel of course only children don't tend to rebel either so

he is at a foley camp this week though so i think we've got him on the road to weirdo pretty wait you mean

he's at a camp for foley artistry that is correct

wow

Joel, you know what Foley artistry is?

No, I don't.

Monty, can you explain it to Joel?

Because I'm just taking this in.

It's the sound effects used in movies.

So, you know, you might have a giant sheet of metal and rumble it to make a thunder sound.

That could be considered old-timey Foley technology.

Are they learning about, like, how to make the sound of an underwater basket at this camp?

I hope so.

I mean, what are we paying for if he doesn't?

Anyway, back on track.

What other collections does Rob have aside from his wooden boxes and his little Batman?

Right.

So Rob has another small collection,

but worrisome, of weird bottles.

You'll see there's a picture of the four of them.

Okay.

For the most part, this is fine.

However, the one that it started with is,

I am pretty sure it's cursed.

And he brought this into our home.

And so I feel like he does not have a leg to stand on when he is talking about whether something is tacky or not.

So I presume you're referring, I mean, all of these bottles look terrifying to me.

Yes.

One of them looks like an old-timey jug that you would sort of blow over in a jug band.

Right.

And that one is covered in leather.

Exactly.

There's actually two covered in leather in that picture.

Ah, that's a tactile clue that I didn't need.

Then, then there's then there's one that looks like a possessed Aztec owl, which is very scary.

That is the one.

That's the one that you find scary.

You don't, oh, that's the one you find scary?

That's the one I find scary, yes.

You don't find the, the, the, the pitch black beaker that is covered in leather with a chain on it and looks like something Edward Gorey would use to murder Dracula?

I, I mean, I think if you're, if I'm having to pick out the cursed object in this one, it's definitely the one with the Aztec bird face on it.

I will have to note that

the one covered in leather with the chain on it, you probably can't see, but it has what appear to be kind of depictions of a crusade

etched into it.

So

in my mind, it's definitely the creepiest, but to each their own.

Yeah.

You ever opened this bottle?

They have all been opened and cleaned out.

Now we all have the curse, Rob.

Yes.

Where are you finding these weird bottles, Rob?

Well, I have to say that the creepy Aztec-looking one was indeed also found on the side of the road in Seattle.

The other three were found in antique stores.

What neighborhood are you traveling through?

There are just like random grandfather clocks and creepy bottles around.

Not the creepiest of neighborhoods.

No, very, as far as Seattle goes, a very normal neighborhood.

Yeah.

Weird.

Weird stuff in Seattle, I guess.

Rob, you have four of these bottles.

This is a relatively new collection for you.

I've had the Aztec-looking bottle for

probably close to a decade, but the other three are relatively new.

So this is one more than Michelle's uranium glass collection.

That's true.

It's true.

I'd also like to point out that the most normal looking bottle, the sort of yellow glass one that's a ship light, actually, also is a music box.

It plays a sort of sea shanty tune.

How dry I am, I believe is the name of the song.

And

it plays it only whenever you pick the bottle up.

So you can, so it starts, you know, playing the music box tune as you are pouring.

It's pretty exciting.

Monty, I think the podcast is over.

I'm being completely out, only childed by these two lovable eccentrics.

I had nothing.

I was just like, wowie, Zowie.

I think I just got to go into the main woods and disappear at this point.

Plus, probably, I got the curse of the black bottle on me.

Okay, I got to get it back together.

You can do it.

You can do it, John.

You can do it, Judge John.

So, Rob's collecting cursed bottles, frankly, more alarming to me than the uranium class.

Plus, he is one more.

Plus,

he's picking up speed.

Rob,

what leg, dare I say, peg leg, do you have to stand on while holding your sea shanty bottle

to point a crooked, cursed finger at Michelle for collecting her stuff?

Oh, no, there's not a finger being pointed for collecting the uranium glass.

It's primarily installing a permanent black light in a grandfather clock.

And, you know, in order to further enhance the uranium glass collection.

Monty, for a second, I forgot about the grandfather clock that Rob is turning into a display case.

Not worried about the uranium glass at all.

I just need to tell everyone, go and look at the photos, including the incredible photos of your incredible home.

And there's other stuff to look at here, including a portrait of Alexander Hamilton drawn in a Sharpie above a mantelpiece.

There's a lot.

And I will say this mantelpiece

is above a fireplace that is

that is bracketed on the other side by more glass-covered cupboards that are, to no one's surprise, full of board games, right?

They're just packed full of tabletop,

esoteric tabletop board games.

These kids are having so much fun in Seattle.

Boy, oh, boy.

Did you remove some of the excess board games from the picture, the ones that can't fit in the cabinet right now?

I just cropped the pictures because they were not cropped.

Yeah.

Oh, that's interesting.

So you're saying, you're saying that these cabinets that are shoved full of board games cannot hold your entire board game collection.

The collection should be whittled down a bit.

That is true.

Yeah.

All right, Rob.

What do you want to put in the grandfather clock?

I'm okay with putting the uranium glass in the grandfather clock.

I am concerned about

expanding, like

the act of adding a black light to the grandfather clock and putting the uranium glass in it, I believe will turn it into a pure uranium glass clock display cabinet versus a display cabinet that could display the uranium glass and creepy bottles or other things.

This is a real, real hair you're splitting, Rob.

Well, I mean,

it's the difference between, yeah, like making it making this specific uranium glass glowing thing a centerpiece of our home versus a thing to display our various weird collections.

You want to put your bottles in there?

I think there's bottles.

I mean, there's cork trays.

There's extra overflow glass that Michelle has.

There's plenty of things that we could use an extra display cabinet for.

You're okay with everything except uranium glass.

And even then, you're okay with uranium glass.

You just don't want it to do what uranium glass does which is light up under black light specifically i'm worried about the black lights having a permanent black light in our in our house okay because it looks like garbage because they look like garbage and i'm worried about it looking like garbage in our dining room 365 days a year like you're you're okay you're okay with having creepy bottles all over the place but you don't want to turn your house into the haunted mansion Exactly.

Or only the haunted mansion during the month of October, but definitely not.

Right.

Right.

when it's re-themed to Nightmare Before Christmas.

Exactly.

Directed by Henry Selleck.

Sorry, I have to say that from time to time.

Michelle, you have to acknowledge that things glowing in blacklight, whether it be a Scoprion

or a Vaseline glass candy dish or

a poster of a yellow spitting cobra.

You have to acknowledge this all looks pretty trashy.

Sure.

I mean, that's, you also wouldn't find uranium glass at Spencer's Gifts.

So I did include in evidence some example pictures from the internet of people who have this displayed in their homes or in a what looks like a very nice antique store.

And I think if you look at these pictures, that with just the uranium glass being under the black light, I think it looks quite nice.

I think it's classy.

Our home was built in 1916.

So I think, you know, this is, this is of uranium glass Euros.

Exactly.

Yes.

So it would be very historically accurate to be showing this off in our home.

Yeah, but look, I am looking at the same evidence that you sent me conveniently because I'm a professional.

And I have to tell you something.

Like, so this is a display cabinet, non-grandfather clock-shaped, regular display cabinet with some nice uranium glass pieces in there.

And they're black light illuminated and they're glowing.

They're glowing like a Scopreon in the desert.

I got to tell you, Michelle, this is me personally.

This looks a little goofy.

It looks spooky, like spooky goof.

You know what I mean?

Spooky goofy, scary ghost glass.

What do you, how would you describe it, Monty?

I would describe it as a beautiful display cabinet that's filled with things that you'd see in the entranceway to a roller rink/slash laser tag place at a mall.

I think that it looks like a beautiful display case that is full of all of the weird neon-wearing gang members in Batman and Robin,

which was a weird blacklight scene in that movie.

Or maybe a display case that was set up by Splinter to welcome his ninja turtle younglings back home to make them remember the glowing ooze that turned him into the mutants that they are.

Michelle, look, we're having fun.

This stuff is really cool.

I've never seen this before.

I've never heard of this stuff before.

I absolutely see why you love it, but you have have to admit it's a strong flavor.

It is.

You know, I think if you look at the picture of the grandfather clock, though,

it's pretty enclosed.

The display area is not huge.

So I think using the clock as the display case is going to keep the collection contained.

And I think unlike the example picture, which is, you know, sort of glass on all sides, I don't think you're going to get that

obnoxious Spencer's gifts glow coming out of it quite as strongly.

I would say the display cabinet picture,

I'd also like us all to note that this is a picture taken in what looks to be the daytime.

And I am deeply concerned about having a black light on in the evening hours and how much of a purple glow will be emanating from our dining room.

I have to say, though, I didn't even look at this grandfather clock.

This grandfather clock also looks like something out of Edward Corey's animated introduction for the mystery on WGBH.

This is a spooky-looking clock.

I'm intending to clean it up to make it look nicer.

So it came, you know, painted black.

I need to restore it, you know, repair the wood some.

And I was planning on, you know, putting some kind of goldish embellishments on it to make it less pure, you know, Halloween spooky looking.

Were you going to to strip off this black paint and refinish it, or are you going to keep the black?

I was planning on just adding some goldish embellishments

on kind of the textured surfaces to make it kind of gold on black as opposed to just, you know, pure black.

I had to say,

if they're keeping black in the mix at all, Rob,

this truly looks like a grandfather clock that was made to display a glowing candy face.

I agree.

Like it is very much the haunted mansion vibe.

Yes, and that is the vibe I'm going for.

Are you anti-that vibe, Rob?

Well, I mean, the rest of our house, like, I would not be opposed at all to this vibe during the Halloween season, but I don't think having the glowing,

you know, bringing the Halloween vibe to our dining room

12 months out of the year is really, would really fit.

Michelle, did you consider getting a different display case for either a different room or not a project that rob was working on to to glow your uranium glass in i that's really why the collection has stayed small is i i really wasn't sure how to display it until we found this clock and then it was like everything just clicked into place um so you know i'd i'd been restraining myself not buying a lot since we don't have a place for it i just feel like if you're bringing uranium glass into your home, you're also bringing a blacklight into your home.

I feel like those are two great tastes that go great together.

Yeah, but the your in this case is not just your house, Michelle.

It's your all's house, the two of the three of you.

And this is Rob's grandfather clock, is it not?

I mean, who found it?

I guess we both found it.

We both brought it

a few blocks over in pieces.

I had to, with the help of our 10-year-old son, campaign to retrace our steps and and go back for this grandfather clock and bring it into our home.

Was Rob resistant to the grandfather clock?

He was, mostly because he, as he stated earlier, he doesn't think we need a second clock, which I agree with.

So it was when I threw out the idea of using it as a display case that he agreed.

He thought that was a good idea.

Rob, what did you think would be displayed?

I guess

any of the junk you have lying around?

Any of the junk we have lying around,

not under blacklight.

That was my expectation.

You thought

this might be overflow storage for your board games and spoons?

Exactly, exactly.

I'll also say that I think I came up with a pretty good idea for

where this uranium glass could be displayed under blacklight in the clock.

Just not quite in the way Michelle was hoping.

Let me hear your idea.

Imagine a hinged clock face that you can pull open to reveal a kind of secret layer of glowing uranium glass.

You know, display usually means showing something, not hiding it.

Exactly.

You are correct.

A secret display.

I mean,

I like it.

I like secret rooms a lot.

And I presume you must have several of them.

That's pretty cool.

I do like that idea.

But why is that not satisfactory to you, Michelle?

Let me guess.

Well, I again, I also like that idea, but I feel like it's hiding the really cool uranium glass that is in our house.

I think we should use that for something else.

I'm sure I can come up with another

good option for what to put in there, but the glass is meant to be displayed.

So, also throw out there:

consider how

we're all enthralled by the glowing uranium glass because we don't see see it very often.

If you have it in the house 365 days a year glowing, I do feel like it's going to lose some of its luster.

It does feel Michelle like Rob is really working with you on this, but on the other side, it also feels a little bit like you're grasping at straws, Rob.

Like

this is fun.

This is this is enjoyable/slash-nauseating at first, but after a while, it'll get boring and you won't like it anymore.

Do you have like a bad experience with a blacklight poster or a dorm room situation that this is bringing you back to?

I did have a blacklight in my room as a teenager growing up, and

I feel like I'm very, very much done with that phase of my life.

You know,

you're a hobbyist, an avid and skilled woodworker and restorer of grandfather clocks.

You're a collector of

creepy cursed bottles.

It seems to me like you're very much

on board with the vibe of your beautiful and eccentric home decor.

So, what was it that you grew out of?

Not eccentricity, obviously.

What are the teenage years that you grow out of where you were like, this is the childish thing I'm putting behind me?

Bye-bye, black light.

It's a very different vibe having a black light, I think, in your dining room versus having it in a teenage bedroom.

Does it?

It feels juvenile to you.

It feels yes.

Michelle, why does the grandfather clock have to be in the dining room?

Mostly because that's just where it will fit the best in our house.

You know, it is pretty large, and that was part of the

debate, even just bringing it in the house, is Rob told me I had to find a place for it.

And it seems just like the best place where it fits is that corner of the dining room.

Is there any other place in the house where this thing could be that would be acceptable to you, Michelle?

I mean, we could, I guess we could move it into our bedroom,

but I feel like he would find that to be much worse.

There is more space in the bedroom.

Exactly.

It'd be a nice night light, you know, if you have to get up in the middle of the night to get a drink of water or something.

Yeah, let's not even talk about that.

Yeah, no, that's not going to happen.

What do you think about Rob's concerns that if you get that uranium glass in there with a black light on a timer, that

your collection of uranium glass is going to expand?

I don't think it will because I think it's the clock and that display case that will keep it contained.

The collection definitely will expand over, you know, to fill to fill the entire clock.

Oh, sure, sure, yes.

Uranium glass loves a vacuum.

That's just science.

How many pieces of uranium glass do you

think slash fear, Rob, she could shove into that grandfather clock?

I mean, if she's got three now, I feel like that cabinet could easily fit 15, 20.

Michelle, would you be content with just three uranium glass pieces or four?

I think whatever fits nicely in the clock would be enough.

I'm, you know, I think between five and ten would be sufficient.

I think that would look nice in there.

I got to disagree with you there because I'm looking again at this piece of evidence you sent, the display case with the uranium glass and it all lit up under black light.

And that's too much uranium glass in there.

I would agree.

And I think that is

much bigger, much taller for sure than the grandfather clock that we have.

Yeah, but for me, I'm looking at that and I feel like

there should be one piece on each level.

Right.

Well, I mean, I think we stop the collection when it looks nice and finished.

Does that mean the next time we go to an antique store that you're going to

is it like a give a give a uranium glass, take a uranium glass kind of situation whenever you find a better looking piece?

Yeah, yeah, sure.

It could be.

You live in Seattle where grandfather clocks line the streets.

Surely there's a little free uranium glass library in your neighborhood.

If there isn't, we could start one.

It's always uranium in Seattle.

Wow, Monty.

Sorry about that.

That's incredible.

No, that is incredible.

So, Michelle, once it has reached completion,

mutually agreed completion, would you then consent to a one-out, one-in policy with uranium glass?

Yes.

Are you capable of that?

I am capable.

I find that that seems like a very good solution.

If I were to rule in your favor, Michelle, it says here that you want me to order that there be a black light in the case that can be turned off and on easily, ideally with a timer, so that it goes on in the evening when you come home from work and then turns off when you go to bed.

Even you are afraid to sleep in a house with glowing uranium glass in it.

Well, I mean, we're in Seattle.

You know, we have to be environmentally conscious with our electricity use.

Oh, I see what you're saying.

So there'd be no illumination of any kind after bedtime.

Right.

Rob, you would like there to be no blacklight in the display case

except for temporary blacklight during the month of October.

I think your glowing uranium glass during spooky season is totally fine with me, but the other 11 months of the year, no.

But how complicated would it be to install a regular display light and a blacklight display light?

You could toggle between them.

I honestly have to figure out the logistics.

Assuming the ruling does not go in my favor, I feel like I have to figure out the logistics of how to install a permanent blacklight and try to make it not look tacky.

So I've got some engineering to do regardless.

Well, no, I mean, blacklights themselves are not tacky.

They're just bulbs.

I don't know if you know this.

There's been a lot of innovation in blacklight technology since you were a teenager.

Yes.

It's just a bulb.

But I guess I have to figure out how to

make it,

make the

bulb itself hidden.

to minimize the amount of purple glow that will be emanating throughout my dining room.

You really just don't like the the glowing uranium glass.

You don't like glowing stuff.

The glowing stuff in the dining room 12 months out of the year is the worry for me.

I find this uranium glass to be pretty nauseating without glowing.

No offense.

I don't mean that in a taste way.

I just mean like

it just looks, it's kind of snot green, you know?

Like.

Are you truly okay with the uranium glass, period, Rob?

Like, if there was was no black, if they didn't glow, if there's no option, would you be okay with having these pieces in the grandfather clock?

Yes, yes, totally.

I think I've heard everything I need to in order to make my decision.

I'm going to crawl into this niche in the basement to sip from a cask of a Montiado and hope that Rob and Michelle don't brick me in while I'm figuring out my verdict.

I'll be back in a moment with my decision.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

This has been an interesting case.

Rob, I need to know, did you send your child to Foley Camp to make the special effects for the horror movie that you are obviously developing in your very creepy house?

He also went to a stop-motion animation camp a few weeks ago.

So, so yes, the combination of Foley and

clay and horror doesn't sound too bad.

Michelle, are you okay with displaying these

uranium glasses not inside an atomic clock, maybe in an already existing cabinet that you have somewhere with a tiny hidden black light that on occasion would illuminate them.

I mean, I think that would be nice.

I think Rob would argue just as strongly against that, perhaps more strongly.

Well, we'll see what the judge has to say all about this when we come back in just a moment.

You know, we've been doing my brother, my brother, me for 15 years, and

maybe you stopped listening for a while, maybe you never listened, and you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years, I know where this has ended up.

But no, no, you would be wrong.

We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing.

Yeah, you don't even really know how crypto works.

The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on my brother, my brother, and me.

We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

And if not, we just leave it out back and goes rotten.

So check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So, how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined!

No, no, no, it's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Long.

I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Monty, we are taking a break from the case.

What do you have coming up on the fabulous 413?

By the time you hear this, we'll have been at Tanglewood broadcasting with our Tanglewood correspondent, who happens to be the conductor of the Boston Pops, Keith Lockhart.

And hopefully, if all went well, we were able to convince former Boston Pops conductor and potentially one of the most important musicians of the latter half of the 20th and early part of 21st century, John Williams, as part of the show.

But you'll have to.

listen to it wherever podcasts are available and see if we were able to actually able to achieve that or not.

Even if we didn't, we have lots of, we have a podcast every day, pretty much.

So yeah, you buried the lead, by the way.

Who needs John Williams when you got Keith Lockhart?

Well, that's true.

Keith Lockhart's been on a bunch of times and he's, he's great.

I got to perform with him and the Boston Pops a couple of times.

What a great bunch.

If you're in Boston or anywhere the Boston Pops might be touring, go see them.

And you can listen to, obviously, you can listen to the Fabulous 413 anywhere you get your podcast.

And Monty, you and your co-host, Khaleese Smith, are total delights.

And it's a totally fun show.

So go check that out.

So, Joel Mann, I believe I heard some pledge driving here at WERU.

You had the big pledge drive earlier this month.

Yes, it went really well.

We thank everyone out there for their support.

35 years.

35 years of community radio

here in Orland, Maine.

But that doesn't mean that people can't offer their financial support to somebody.

You can go to weru.org anytime, and there's a little donation button.

Right.

Hit that.

All right.

Even though it's not the pledge drive, drive, I am lifting the ban on your pledging to WERU because after all, WERU stands for We Are You.

I just remembered that the other day.

We are you.

Very, very clever.

So as far as me,

your little old friend, Judge John Hodgman, oh, I got nothing really coming up except for a massive tour.

That's right.

We are closer than ever to the Van Freaks Road Show.

That's where me and Jesse Thorne are going to go out there and dispense justice throughout the UK, parts of Europe, and much of the United States of America.

And we're calling it Van Freaks Road Show because we both love Antiques Roadshow.

And we are both, and Jesse, especially fans of the Mitsubishi Delica Japanese market-only adventure van.

Where can you drive your delica?

I don't know.

Can you get to Dublin, Republic of Ireland, London, Lexington, Kentucky, Chicago, Illinois, Madison, Wisconsin, St.

Paul, Minnesota, Austin, Texas, Atlanta, Georgia, Durham, North Carolina, Charlottesville, Virginia, Washington, D.C., Portland, Maine, Boston, Massachusetts, Brooklyn, New York.

Get your delica there.

You can see us dispense justice in all of those cities, as well as surprise special guests of all kinds.

It's going to be a lot of fun.

And remember, we need cases for these shows.

Now, we're starting to get some in.

If you have a dispute, if you're coming to the show

and you're bringing someone, figure out what's wrong with them.

Figure out what your dispute is with that person.

No case is too small.

Just write to me via maximumfund.org/slash jjho and make sure you let us know which town you're in.

And we'll consider your dispute for hearing right there, live up on stage.

It'll be a lot of fun.

VanFreaksroadshow.com is where you can get all the tickets, all the information.

I'll say it again: vanfreaksroadshow.com.

All one word, except for the dot.

Go there now, get your tickets, send in your cases.

Maximumfund.org slash JJ Ho, vanfreaksroadshow.com.

Let's get back to the case.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom and presents his verdict.

So, first of all, I feel I have perhaps misrepresented your home, Robin Michelle,

by referring to it as a place that I might be detained or murdered in.

I have made reference to the haunted mansion.

All of these things are not exactly right.

Your house is beautiful and inviting.

and cool and interesting and pretty much in balance.

Its decor offers glimpses of your interests and your eccentricity, but it is not putting it in your face.

You've decorated it in a very, very

loving and careful way to reflect the colors and tones of the arts and crafts movement,

but while also putting in the corners,

obviously, little elements of yourself and your haunted bottles, which are distinctly creepy.

They look good in here.

And your board games are contained for the most part well within those cases.

It looks good.

You're doing a great job.

I will say that you are nearing a point where you are going to have to do some purging.

And, you know, a collection, even one with a display case, can pretty much become a kind of hoard.

when you don't have room for your extra spoons.

Before I make my ruling, I just wanted to give you that

that's my impression.

I don't know if that tracks with the way you both are feeling in your home, but it's a good idea to check in with each other.

Because obviously, Rob is a little concerned that, Michelle, you're on to a new thing and you're running out of room to the point that you're having to scavenge grandfather clocks off of the streets in order to hold this new thing.

That is fair.

Now,

as for this uranium glass, I had never heard of it before.

This case, I find it really fascinating.

I think you can hear in my voice, I think when I said the word nauseating, that it is not to my taste,

but I think it's super cool and an interesting part of history.

And I completely understand why it is to someone else's taste, specifically you.

And Rob doesn't seem to mind it so long as it is not glowing.

But Michelle, you do raise a really interesting point.

Why should there be radioactive glass in my home if it's not to glow?

What is the point of uranium glass if not to glow?

Exactly.

And I have to say

that

there has never been a grandfather clock that so thoroughly calls out for a uranium glass collection than this creepy clock that you found.

I have real reservations about how this clock is going to fit in.

Your house is in balance now.

This clock, I don't care how much golden filigree Rob puts on it, and he's clearly a talented and skilled craftsperson, but it's going to look very goth.

And that's not a vibe that you have in your house right now.

I really have hesitations, and I understand where Rob is coming from.

I think that he's been very, very agreeable insofar as he actually

let the thing into the house that you share and is working to restore it because you and your only child want it.

And that's super cool of Rob.

And I respect the line that Rob is trying to draw at the glowing.

I mean, it is a real look.

But we have to see it.

We got to see what it looks like.

We got to have to see it.

We have to see it.

I need to see it.

I need to see it in this world.

I think that it would not be particularly difficult if you're going to install lighting in the clock at all.

I do not think it is going to be particularly difficult to install

a blacklight alternate in there.

And I encourage you, Michelle, to do the work and the research to work with Rob to figure out how to do this if it's possible and to acknowledge if it's not possible.

But if it is possible, my order is to install the blacklight and complete the project.

My further order is there shall be no timer

and there shall be no time when Rob is forced to endure the nauseating image of floating ghost glasses in the clock that he is working to restore on your behalf.

The only time that you may turn on the black light and keep it on is October 31st and maybe a couple days before.

And then the only other time when you may turn on the black light is when Rob isn't home

or you are sitting in the dining room looking to enjoy it yourself or showing your collection off to a friend or you and your child, your only child are enjoying it, but it can't be on during dinner time.

And the final order is that when you get this project done,

that you really look at it with a hard eye.

Obviously, send us a photo, but you need to look at it with a hard eye and see if it really fits in that corner.

So I'm technically ruling in, well, you know what?

I'm going to say that I'm ruling in Rob's favor because he deserves it.

He deserves the win.

Thank you, Judge.

Because as far as you're concerned, Rob, you only ask that you complete your project and

only have a black light on during October.

And as far as you're concerned, that's the only time you will see this blacklight.

That's the only time you will see it.

This is the sound of a gavel.

Judge John Hodgman rules that is all.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

With the wisdom of Solomon there, I think he's come up with a remarkable compromise.

And I'm frankly slightly shocked that it's come out that way.

But Rob, how are you feeling about having to alter this grandfather clock in a way that will both please your wife, Michelle, and please your eyes for every day other than Halloween?

It feels like a very fair judgment to me.

It's a nice compromise.

I appreciate the words of wisdom on the decor in general and,

you know, keeping the collections in check.

And, Michelle, if you see this grandfather clock that is super goth and going to glow in the dark, like the clothes that Ken wears in the new Barbie movie and recognize that it might be too much, would you be willing to admit that eventually?

Yes.

Yes.

I think the judge is correct.

And

once this project is completed,

we can really look at it with a critical eye and see if it really is the right thing for that space.

Michelle and Rob, thank you so much.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Another case in the books.

Before we dispense some swift justice, we want to thank Redditor The Gray Brewer for naming this week's episode No Glow Contendre.

Join the conversation over at the Maximum Fun subreddit over at maximumfun.reddit.com.

We'll be asking for title suggestions there too, so keep an eye out for those.

Evidence and photos from the show are posted on our Instagram account at instagram.com/slash judgejohnhodgman.

Make sure to follow us.

Judge John Hodgman was created by Jesse Thorne and John Hodgman.

This episode was engineered by Robert Jacob Springer at KUOW in Seattle and by Joel Mann at WERU in Orland, Maine.

Marie Barty runs our social media.

Our producer is Jennifer Marmer.

Now let's get to Swift Justice, where we enter.

Wait one second.

There seems to be someone missing from the credits.

Monty Belmonte of New England Public Media is your summertime, fun time guest bailiff.

And it's so nice to be resuming my summer with you by my side and i i'm really glad to hear your voice thank you for joining us monty but now shall we get to swift justice yes we shall david says i did a comedy panel show and my little brother heckled me my parents said that he's just a kid but he was 36 at the time

this is why there should only be only children because Those babies of the family get to be babies their whole lives.

They get to be just kids their whole lives.

And the older, the older siblings have to be the responsible ones.

And the babies get to just be babies.

And the middle children just get lost.

Stop babying that baby brother 36 years old.

And by the way, humans, stop heckling people at comedy shows.

It's not funny.

It's not cool.

You look dumb.

It's terrible.

Stop it.

So this has been a very context-specific episode of Judge John Hodgman because, as you know, if you've been following along week by week, you know that I've been in Maine, hanging out here with Joel, sometimes talking with Monty.

Then I had to go back to Brooklyn, New York to take care of some of my business there and

march on the strike line.

And now I'm back in Maine.

And if you're listening out of order or

it's years into the future or whatever it is, you might be like, what is the context I'm missing here?

What is Maine?

Does Maine still exist in the future?

I don't know.

So

I think that I want to record a couple of evergreen episodes in the future.

Do you know what I mean?

Like just evergreen episodes of Judge John Hodgman.

So I'm asking you for your evergreen disputes.

Do I mean disputes that are not context-specific, that are sort of like timeless disputes?

Is a hot dog a sandwich?

No, I mean disputes about evergreen trees.

If you live in the pine tree state of Maine, any dispute is allowable so long as it references pine trees.

But of course, I'm looking for all of your disputes on any subject, particularly if you're going to be coming to one of our shows on tour, which you've heard all about already, send all your disputes, including your evergreen disputes, into maximumfund.org/slash JJ H O.

Thanks again to Joel and Monty for keeping me company today.

Thanks again to our litigants, and we will talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Maximum Fun, a worker-owned network of artists-owned shows, supported directly by you.