Animal/Vegetable/Criminal

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

This week, animal, vegetable, criminal, Brent brings the case against his wife, Maite.

Maite likes to unwind by playing 20 Questions with Brent, but Brent doesn't want to play the game with her anymore.

He says she's doing it wrong.

Her answers are too vague.

But Maite says his 20 Questions gameplay is too basic.

Who's right, who's wrong, only one can decide.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and presents an obscure cultural reference.

I'm fed up with this idiotic game.

I'm going home.

Okay.

End of drama.

Bailiff Jesse Thorne, please swear the litigants in.

Brent and Maite, please rise and raise your right hands.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

So help you, God, or whatever.

I do.

I do.

Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that he's never beat me at any games ever in his entire life?

Now, granted, that's because I don't like to play games because I feel bad when I win and I feel bad when I lose.

I do.

I do.

Judge Hodgman, you may proceed, you freaking loser.

There's no way I'm going to beat you at the bailiff uniform game, that's for sure.

Yeah, I put my pants on today, John, because we have litigants in the studio.

Litigants in the studio means Jesse Thornton must wear pants.

And if you'd like to see them, go right now to youtube.com, popular website.

Our channel is judgejohnhodgman pod.

And if you go there now, you will see that when I say you may be seated, it's lying because Brent and Maite are already comfortably seated there at Maximum Fun HQ in Los Angeles.

Very nice to see you both.

But I do offer you this chance for an immediate summary judgment in one of yours favors.

I let's see.

How are we going to do this?

Rather than you guessing the quote, let's play a little game, not of 20 questions, but of

five questions each.

Earlier, you heard me read the quote.

I am fed up with this idiotic game.

I'm going to go home.

The first one who can guess the person who said that will get an automatic immediate summary judgment in their favor.

You may ask up to five yes or no questions, and I'm going to give you a hint.

This is a person, a human animal.

And

Maite, why don't you start?

Now, one of the techniques for playing 20 questions is you want to continually, if possible, sort of break the answers down into 50-50 chances.

So, a very common one, even though there are obviously more than two genders, and gender is obviously a construct as well.

Some people will say, Is this person a man or a woman?

Is this person a man or a woman?

Yes.

Oh, a man.

Sorry.

Is this person a man?

Oh, that counts.

I just won.

One down for you.

I just won.

Before we go to Brent, I understand the intention of your question, Maite.

And the answer is it is, or the person I'm looking for is a man.

Got it.

Brent.

Is it from a movie?

No.

Is it from a TV show?

No.

Let the record reflect that they both shook their heads like, what other forms of communication are there?

What are you doing right now, for example?

Oh.

Is it from a podcast?

No.

That was a trick.

Is it from a book?

No.

Is it a comedian?

No.

Is it a lyric from a song?

No.

That's four.

Is it from a politician?

No.

Final question, Maite.

You're so close.

People are screaming this one into their

radios.

Into their radios.

Into their radios.

Or however they're listening to their podcast.

It might be that they've got a Bluetooth connection to an old-fashioned radio

on which you might be listening to an old-fashioned radio show.

I think he's suggesting that it's Elvis Costello, the songwriter behind Radio Radio.

Could be Radio Rahim from Do the Right Thing.

Yeah.

I don't know.

A radio personality.

A radio personality.

Ryan Seachrist?

I don't know.

It's not Ryan Seacrest,

but you kind of ask two questions in one there.

And in the interest of fun.

Compound.

Okay.

Or

in the interest of debating what is an appropriate way to play 20 questions or not,

I will allow that it is a radio personality.

Okay.

Brent, your fifth and final question to me.

Yes or no question.

Is it Howard Stern?

Is it Howard Stern?

I would say that probably that you got closest, Brent.

Okay.

But all

guesses were wrong.

The correct answer, of course.

I know I'm going to be getting letters from people.

Gilbert Harding.

Gilbert Harding.

You know Gilbert Harding, don't you?

Not a clue.

How well do you know your 20th century BBC radio programs?

And I do pronounce it with a double ME at the end, program.

Gilbert Harding was known as the rudest man in Britain.

He was famous for it.

He was the irascible and frequently very cranky host of the long-running BBC radio show called 20 Questions.

It ran from 1947 to 1976.

He wasn't the host for the entire time.

but he was the host for a good chunk of that time.

He was a former schoolmaster with a studied, stuffy, professional air and glasses.

He later became a journalist and actor, and a frequent panelist on the TV show, What's My Line, where he was notorious for losing patience with the person whose job he was guessing, often accusing them of being boring.

Later, he

equally notoriously walked off the job at 20 Questions.

in 1960 when, according to Wikipedia, quote, after having drunk a triple gin and tonic that he had originally offered to the executive producer,

Gilbert Harding proceeded to completely ruin the night's game.

He insulted two panelists, failed to recognize a correct identification after seven questions, and after revealing finally the answer on the 20th question, he yelled at the panel and the audience and ended the show three minutes early by saying, I'm fed up with this idiotic game.

I'm going home.

So let's get into it.

Brent, we play a little game of five questions.

Your dispute here is with your wife, correct?

Maite?

Correct.

Right.

Your wife, Maite,

who you say doesn't play 20 questions correctly.

How did I do as a 20-question host?

Did I play it correctly?

Yes.

Very simple questions and answers.

Very simple answers.

Because you were asking questions.

Right, right.

No, that was pretty good.

I was confused at the end because we asked if it was a TV show, but it was a TV show.

No, it was not.

It was a radio show.

Oh, radio, that's right.

He was on a TV show called What's My Line,

but the 20 Questions Show was a radio show on the BBC.

Oh, we just uncovered one of my weaknesses in this case.

Listening.

Listening.

Listening.

Brian, how often do you and Maite play 20 Questions?

Lately, a lot less.

Our peak was.

Since the divorce.

Our peak was, you know, maybe a year ago or so.

Now

it really depends, maybe once a week.

And what accounts for the decline in play?

The fact that you hate the way Maite plays?

Yeah.

What does Maite do wrong while playing 20 Questions?

Her answers,

while the questions are very straightforward like yours were, the answers tend to be a little bit vague, a little bit, there's some gray area.

There's a little bit of maybe and not like definitive answers.

So, uh,

her, my line of questioning, her line of answering will lead me astray.

And then I get stuck in

this nether region where, you know, the facts don't matter, and I'm completely lost.

May I ask you a yes or no question?

Is specificity the soul of narrative?

Yes, that's true.

Do you have a specific example of a time of Maite's bad play,

bad 20-question person ship?

Sure.

Recently, the answer, like the thing that I'm supposed to guess

was cacao nibs.

And

somewhere along the line of questioning, it was,

we narrowed it down to like a food.

And I said, is this a man-made food?

And she said, Yes.

And so, okay, so the cacao has to be denibed.

Yeah, it has to be nibified.

And to me, I don't know, a man-made food means to me like much more processing, much more like a block of concrete.

Yes, or yes, yeah, or man-made food.

Uh-huh.

So when we got to the end, and she revealed cacao nibs, and then we reviewed the transcript,

man-made food.

And I was like, No, that's that's not a man, it's a man

in influenced food but

i mean the cacao nib exists

as a whole you have to break it into a nib what is a cacao nib can someone tell me

well we had to look this up obviously because it was a point of contention

yes well my ta i hope that you were not

playing 20 questions with a thing that you you personally would have had to look up.

If you you know what a cacao nib, you would would have to know what a cacao nib is, right?

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

What is it, Mita?

What's a cacao nib?

Pieces of cacao.

Okay.

Right?

So you take the cacao and you break it down, but somebody needs to break it down.

What is a what is cacao now?

I'm sorry.

Cacao is another word for cocoa.

So the cacao, the cacao bean grows on the cacao tree, uh, and it is uh also known as a cocoa bean.

Oh, okay.

Uh, and it is, it is a portion of the bean that has been dried and crumbled.

This is something that is used

that is used in the making of very expensive chocolate bars.

But sometimes you get those chocolate bars with the nibs in them.

Yeah, that's what we're talking about.

We're talking about the crunchy, little, crunchy little bits of real bitter

and tasty.

uh chocolate yeah we're talking about uh nim nibs talking about nim nibs

Maite, it says here that you and Brent used to play 20 questions before bed.

That's set the scene for me.

Why would you play 20 questions before bed?

Well,

for me,

it's hard to unwind when it's bedtime.

So like I need something to sort of

help me unwind.

And that's the game of choice.

And you get into a big fight with your husband over 20 questions.

That is very relaxing to me.

Yeah, the end of the fight isn't relaxing, but I bet you would agree winning the fight is

satisfying.

And I typically do.

So

it's a nice way of clocking out for the day.

Is that true that Maite usually wins your disputes, Brent?

Yes, a high majority.

90% of the games we play, I fail miserably in flames,

much to her amusement and then she's off to sleep so now you're out here trying to work the ref in this one area trying to get a win-hmm even if it's with an asterisk right Brent has Maite always played 20 questions wrong when was the first time you ever played

yes

yes it's it's been a long history of this

situation

I guess when we're starting to dating so it's been at least 11 years of this.

Uh, so we're finally so dating 11 years married now, how long?

Seven.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

And from the beginning, she was playing 20 questions wrong.

Is that what you're trying to say?

Yes.

Yes.

What else does she do wrong?

She also thinks

that when you have a cavity and you get it filled, it's still called a cavity.

And that's another point of contention.

So

her definition

up in 20 questions or at the dentist's office?

No, prior to maybe a year ago, she had had zero cavities.

I had maybe three.

So she held that over me for quite a while.

Jen, how did you not get into this in the pre-interview?

How did you fail on this cavity count?

So

she would still tease me that I still have cavities.

And I said, no, it's been taken care of.

It's been cleaned and filled.

And that the definition of a cavity is an empty space.

And yet she maintains that I still have cavities.

A filled cavity would be called a filling in my parlance.

But this was not part of 20 questions.

This is just another example of my type being wrong.

Yes.

A gratuitous example, you might even say.

Well, you asked, John.

Oh, but I was asking about 20 questions.

Oh, okay.

That wasn't clear to me.

I thought you just wanted a list of grievances.

Yeah, you're right, Jesse.

I'll allow it.

Any other grievances?

Brent was nice enough to provide one.

It's just, but it's just an, it didn't come up exactly in 20 questions, if I recall, but it's the kind of difference we have like in the definition of things, how you define something, how you, if cavity came up in 20 questions, this would be an example of where I would get led astray.

There is an imprecision.

Yes.

that is frustrating to you.

Yes.

In the way Maite

absorbs and reflects and speaks the world.

Yes.

Maite, are you a native English speaker?

I'm not.

What is your first language?

Spanish.

What do they call a cavity in Spanish?

Like a tooth cavity.

Carrie.

And when it's filled, what do they call it?

I don't even know.

We don't even know.

Relleno, osa.

The filling is resina, resin, or

and then relleno is like iller.

Iller.

Yeah.

Like chiles relleno.

So the cavity is stuffed with cheese.

Do you think that that might be part of the reason for some of this imprecision?

No.

No, I do not.

I do not agree that, with that representation, and I do not agree with calling it an imprecision as well.

Fair enough.

You're listening to Judge John Hodgman.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast, always brought to you by you, the members of maximumfun.org.

Thanks to everybody who's gone to maximumfun.org slash join.

And you can join them by going to maximumfun.org slash join.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by Made In.

John, have you been eating off your made-in

plates and bowls lately?

Are you talking about my world-famous entree bowls?

Yeah, I'm talking about entree bowls, but you know what?

It's okay to put a more voluminous

appetizer into those bowls.

I'm going to tell you, I'm going to tell you what.

I've got made-in regular plates.

I've got made-in salad plates.

I've got made-in regular bowls.

And then I got these entree bowls.

And you know, I got the entree bowls.

I specifically asked for them for the holidays, for my wife, who's a whole human being in her own right because

our children grew up and moved away.

And that means all we do is eat dinner in front of the television.

And if you're sitting on a couch, there's no better way to eat your meal than out of an entree bowl.

It's like a big dinner plate, but it's curved on the sides.

So you have some protection.

It's the ultimate eating festival, particularly in soup season.

And for all of that, it also looks really good.

Like all the made-in cookware, tableware glassware it's made to look good and it's made to work good for both the pros like tom collicio and brooch williamson and all the other professional chefs who use it in their professional kitchens and for home cooks like me like jesse like jennifer and all of you and of course it's sold online and delivered to your door so you get the premium stuff at a shockingly reasonable price.

I said it before and I'll say it again.

I will never go to another kitchen retailer for any piece of equipment, be it knives, tableware, glassware, cookware, everything that I've ever touched from Made In.

Not only does it work great, but I want to touch it again and again.

For full details, visit madeincookware.com.

That's M-A-D-E-I-N Cookware.com.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by Quince.

Now, Jesse Thorne, did you see me a couple of weeks ago on

Have I Got News for You on CNN with Roy Wood Jr., Amber Ruffin, ruffin akilo hughes and uh michael ian black oh that was a murderous row of course i watched that i love topical humor i was on that show and you know the first thing that happened when i uh when i uh got on set was people said to me what a great outfit and you know how i knew they weren't buying because i was wearing quints i was wearing my brand new most beloved wide whale royal blue denim style jacket denim like a denim jacket cut but it was made out of this soft wide whale corduroy i love it so much and that's not to mention the 100 record i have getting compliments on my cotton pk over shirts that's not to mention that i just got a notification on my phone that the pants that i ordered from quince are on their way yes i'm going head to toe quince you know why because i like getting compliments and i get compliments every time i wear their wonderful clothes especially now that it's getting a little chillier outside these are warm wonderful soft and yet sharp and snazzy clothes that I can wear in the fall and then later in the winter.

Then later I'll do something for the spring.

Quince delivers every time with wardrobe staples that are designed to carry you from this end every season.

And the best part is that by working with top artisans and cutting out the middleman, Quince gives you this luxury clothing experience at about half the cost of similar brands.

And I'm not just hearing this from my own dunn head.

My wife is a whole human being in her own right shops at Quince now.

Our daughter does, and it's a great way.

I'm going to get

a bunch of clothes for our son for the holidays.

And maybe you should too.

Layer up this fall with pieces that feel as good as they look.

Go to quince.com slash JJHO for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.

Now available in Canada as well.

That's q-u-in-n-ce-e.com slash jjh-o free shipping, 365-day returns, quince.com/slash jjho.

Brent, what are the rules to 20 questions?

Well,

there's two players at least.

One has an object, a thing in mind.

The other person has to guess what that thing is using

within 20 yes or no questions.

And so if I'm the person with the thing in mind, like Gilbert Harding,

and you're guessing, what are my responsibilities to you that Maite fails to fulfill?

You You have to,

I think you have to know a lot about that thing in order to field whatever questions I may have.

So, and then you have to represent correctly, as cleanly and as precisely as possible, yes or no.

The problem here is like it's there's always a caveat, there's always some gray area.

So, yes or no, there's a lot of maybe, there's a lot of can, maybe, you know.

So, that slippery slope leads me down into

the nether regions.

Yeah, the nether.

Yeah.

Is maybe, in your opinion, an unacceptable answer?

Or I don't know?

Um,

like, if we're playing and I've got something in mind, and you ask a question about it, and I don't know the answer, and I say, I don't know,

does that just, does that mean you win?

Does that mean you get an extra question?

Is that allowed?

It's allowed because you can't be expected to, again, be

an absolute expert on every subject.

But yeah, that would be, for me, that would be a free question.

Like, okay, that doesn't count as a question.

Or let's pause and let's figure it out, which we do quite often.

There's a lot of Wikipedia

answers to make sure that we answer, that she answers correctly.

And that's fine.

That's allowed.

Maite,

did you learn different rules to 20 questions when you were growing up?

Well, actually, what's interesting about this is that I never played 20 questions until I met him.

Okay.

So everything that I know,

everything that I learned about this game, I learned by playing with him.

So he taught me the rules of this game.

And I think this is-you are the source of all of Maite's sins.

Correct.

I think this is just a, you know, your typical case of the student surpassing the teacher.

And he's just sour about it.

What was the one with the kangaroo?

Brent, do you remember the story that I'm alluding to?

Yeah, I think it was the

answer, the thing I was supposed to be guessing was kangaroo.

Right.

The question was,

we had narrowed it into it being an animal.

And I said, is this a pet?

Is this an animal that lives in a house?

And she and she said, Maybe.

Wow.

And then the justification once

at the end was

people can have pets of all kinds.

Maybe there's a kangaroo somewhere.

I can't say no because maybe there's a kangaroo somewhere.

And that's exactly the problem.

Like, the answers should be in a as a general as a general knowledge area.

None of these niche fringe

exceptions should be allowed.

Judge Hodgman, do you have any experience with house kangaroos?

I've held a baby kangaroo and I know you have as well, Jesse.

And those kangaroos lived in

a declining mall outside of Minneapolis.

No, those kangaroos lived in that nice lady's house.

There you go.

Oh, really?

The medical director of

Sustainable Safari.

Which is in a declining mall outside of Minneapolis.

That's true, yes.

Well, maybe now it's an ascendant mall now that it has caviars inside of it.

That's true.

It's a pretty wonderful mall, I must say.

But that

nice woman that brought them to our live show in Minneapolis that one time when we held baby kangaroos in swaddling clothes.

Yeah.

She was.

Kangaroos had diapers too.

Exactly.

She was taking care of those baby kangaroos in her home.

But she was fostering them, right?

Until they could go and live at sustainable safari.

Maybe.

Maybe.

Maybe.

You're saying there could be a foster fail and that kangaroo lives with her forever?

Yeah, it could be.

I mean, look, there was almost a foster fail that night at the Fitzgerald Theater when I tried to hide that baby kangaroo in my garment bag.

Yeah,

you had them both underneath your robe the whole show.

Yeah.

Hoping no one would notice.

I was going to take those cuties home with me.

Now, Maite, come on.

You know that most kangaroos are not Kevs' pets.

I agree.

I can agree with that.

Do you feel like it's your job to mislead Brent in your replies?

No, I feel like I'm trying to be extremely precise with my answers.

And because

the questions he asks are so vague, over broad, ambiguous,

it's hard to give him a straight answer.

So, I mean, is this animal a pet?

It can be for someone.

I don't know.

People have peacocks as pets.

You know, Brent, what I'm thinking here is that maybe

your questions are terrible.

I mean, is it a man-made food?

I don't care what food you're talking about.

Pick a food.

An apple.

All right, that's not man-made, I would say.

Fair.

But it's still, that's a real stumper for something like cacao nibs.

Now, cacao nibs are also a stumper.

So you stumped each other.

Yeah.

You got into a fight.

But is the animal kept as a pet i can see i have to say that i can see why my te

was a little bit like i don't know how to answer this one

what not generally would be

kangaroo

well i mean define kept as a pet define an over broad question for 20 questions asking broad questions is the point of 20 questions

That's how the game works.

You ask broad questions and then you ask specific ones.

I'm not sure.

And I don't want to get into a fight with you.

Otherwise, it's just 20 guesses.

Otherwise, it might as well be: is it a marble?

Is it a dog?

You have to start with broad questions.

I don't know that that's true.

That's not my

strategy.

My strategy is to ask specific questions that eliminate categories.

Is it Frank Sinatra?

Is it Maite?

Maybe.

No.

All right.

Brent, it also says here that Maite makes up other games.

What kind of games does Maite make up and how are they also unfair to you?

Actually, the games she makes up are maybe more fair because they're her rules and they're very, very simple and it doesn't require any sort of nuance.

The extra games that we're talking about came up because, you know, I started refusing to play 20 questions,

but she wanted to, again, unwind, you know, have a have a chat as we get, you know, go off to sleep, whatever.

Yeah.

So

one,

so she'll just make up a game that I'll play instead.

Uh, for example,

there's one that was pretty popular for a while called Badouche.

Badouche.

Yeah.

One of the rules of Badouche.

One person asks the other or gives them

a word and that that person has to take that word,

think of a song that has that word in the lyrics,

sing, you know, sing that part of that song.

But at the same time, for no

good reason other than it's just silly, half-asleep craziness, you have to flop your legs up and down like a fish as you're singing

badoosh that's called badouche yeah that's it the name of the game is trademarked badouche

so without without the flopping give me give me one give me a word and let me see if i can play it

um kangaroo there's an important rule you can't just

spew out a word.

You yourself have to know of a song that has that word in it because otherwise.

that's true you know it doesn't all right my no i guess i already failed he doesn't know a song with kangaroo he doesn't know

probably a men at work song i'm sure but i can't quote it right now um

first of all that is racist

just because men at work are just because colin hay the great songwriter colin hay hails from the island of australia doesn't mean all his songs are about kangaroos

it says here Maite, that you feel that Brent's questions are often too specific.

What do you mean?

His questions can be very limiting.

Right?

And

with the example of the kangaroo, the example of the cacao nibs, you know, like

it's a food.

It comes from a natural source, but the thing that I am thinking about is not how in its natural state.

Unlike an apple.

Unlike an apple.

Brent, you say that Maite often has to look things up in order to answer your questions.

Is that right?

Yeah.

Is that off limits in your game, in your version of the game?

No,

I appreciate the, if, if there's a gap in knowledge of like what this thing is, I obviously want a more precise answer.

Ultimately, do you feel like you're not on a level playing field that you're not playing?

Maite isn't playing fair

or is she just playing tough and you'd like it to be easier for you?

It is tough.

And

we have, in the course of this

constant situation,

I do see her point about my questions being too specific or too, you know.

I'm not even sure.

I'm not even sure that

I agree with that description.

Like, there is something about your questions.

Too specific.

It's that, you know, Maite

characterizes, I'm not sure if you know this, but in the affidavit, Maite characterizes your 20 questions game as basic.

Yeah.

Maite says you're a basic player.

What does that mean, Maite?

I think,

you know, maybe because he played this game growing up when he was a child, I think he just stayed at that level, you know, guessing farm animals and stuff like that.

But we are playing into adulthood, right?

This is a different stage of life.

And he needs to get with the times.

I feel, I feel we've graduated primary colors.

We've graduated

basic household items.

It's time to get time to get a little bit tougher in the 20 questions game.

Time to start thinking about some nibs.

The answer cannot be pumpkin spice latte.

Not again.

My day, I'm not sure.

Did I hear from you what you spend your days doing?

What is your calling in life aside from?

I'm an attorney, yeah.

Okay,

I can see why Brent's operating at a disadvantage here.

Thank you.

Is it always the case, Maite, that you are the person with the answer and Brent must ask the question, or does it alternate?

It typically doesn't alternate.

It's typically me with the answer and him asking questions.

Have you ever tried playing it the other way?

I have.

And what is your opinion of Brent's gameplay?

Answer.

The problem with him is that he tries, like, he is actively trying to match my level.

So he will try to pick things that are difficult half the time, I guess.

Or half the time is the things he's thinking about.

Just that's not, it doesn't, no, it doesn't make sense.

He doesn't know how to answer the questions appropriately.

So it's challenging for him

to

pick good things, to answer things appropriately.

So we find it better, right?

That it's me.

By we, I mean I and all impartial observers

know that it's better that Maite

answer the questions.

Maite,

what are some examples or an example of a thing that Brent was trying to get you to guess?

Not very memorable, apparently, because his game is so basic.

Brent, do you remember one where you were allowed to be the answer instead of the guesser?

It's been a long time.

It's been a long time and it rarely happens.

So I'm struggling there.

But

I try to play a little bit more straight down the line.

I mean, a little bit more.

It can be a simple answer.

But I think it's, even if it was an Apple, you still, it still will take you at least 10 questions to get there.

So there's still gameplay involved.

There's still strategy involved.

It doesn't have to be so complicated.

I'm going to be honest with you.

This is a family podcast, but the more specifics of this dynamic you describe, the more it starts to feel like something that should be going on in some sort of adults-only tent.

Well, it sounds like ritualistic bedtime humiliation is fun for some.

The more I hear about getting caught in the nether regions.

Well, Brent, let me ask you this question then.

Sure.

You said that sometimes when you get into these disputes and start bickering about,

you know, Maite's gameplay and Maite's answers, it's fun.

You said it's fun, right?

I mean, it's like, it's fun to get into a little fight, fun fight, right?

Yes.

Yes.

Is that the only feeling you have when you are

humiliated time and time again?

Oh, my God.

I mean, that's what happens.

I mean, how often does he get it right, Maite?

I would say, like, maybe

35% of the time.

35% of the time.

Generous.

And so, Brent, how do you feel?

What's 100 minus 35?

65% of the time.

Okay, so

it is fun.

There is an element of fun.

You love each other.

It's fun, blah, blah, blah.

Is there another feeling?

Like, I wish I could just go to bed.

Yeah, it's it's relief that the round has completed.

Okay, you got me again.

We, we, we, we, I, we identify the, where we went wrong, where I went wrong.

Okay, good.

Thanks.

You know, I'll see you tomorrow.

When Maite wants you to understand where you went wrong, does she often open up like a PowerPoint presentation?

No, but she, but she knows.

She knows as soon as I ask the question, like, oh, here's, because she'll, like she said, she'll mention it, like, oh,

this is going to be the thing, but here's my answer.

So she knows where it went astray.

And Maite, I'll ask you a slightly different question.

When Brent gets it right that Ray or 35% of the time,

how do you feel?

Disappointed.

Disappointed.

Yes.

You get no pleasure in when your partner figures out what you're thinking about and guesses it correctly?

Um,

very little.

I appreciate your honesty.

Brent, what would you like your nighttime routine to be?

I don't want to outlaw gameplay at all.

I think there should be a time limit,

nothing after 11 when I'm particularly exhausted.

We can play 20 questions, but I do appreciate mixing it up with other things.

Well, what would you have me rule if I were to rule in your favor, my day?

Obviously, 20 questions every night.

Brent loses and flops every night, or what?

It doesn't have to be every night, but I do not agree with a cut-off time,

you know, because he can control that basically, you know, whenever it is that he's tired, like 11.

Like, what if, what if we don't make it to bed until 11?

Like, and it's because of you, then my, you're, you're infringing on my,

on on my 20 questions time and that's not fair.

So there if there is going to be a cutoff time,

there needs to be

a provision somewhere to allow for 20 questions times after 11 p.m.

If it is because

you

might

you're suggesting that in addition to a hard temporal cutoff time on the clock,

you're also demanding a window after

the bodies have hit the bed.

Right.

Right.

Because otherwise, he could just run out the clock while everyone's on their feet.

Then he doesn't have to play 20 questions at all.

He falls straight to sleep, and you're just sitting there trying to flop like a fish by yourself.

Exactly.

So that's that's that would be one

thing.

Uh, two,

um, he needs to,

again, level up his gameplay.

i feel like he needs to um ask better questions

he needs to be a lot more receptive to my answers as well and actually listen to what i'm saying and how i'm saying it because i do give you clues you do um mr policeman

but my my

half asleep brain is incapable of handling that so that's why we have to find that middle ground do you ever ever play 20 questions when fully awake?

Nope.

I try,

especially when driving, which is when you're supposed to play 20 questions.

And she's not interested.

That's also when you're supposed to be fully awake, too.

Good point.

Brent, do you want to play 20 questions where

Maite asks you questions sometimes?

Or do you not care?

No, I would.

That would be

definitely a way that we would play more often is if we agreed to an alternate schedule instead of 10 to 1, which is usually the ratio.

Why not alternate back and forth, Maite?

Because then I get frustrated and then that doesn't help me sleep, you see?

So

that's, and I don't like, I don't like to lose.

That's, you know,

I would have to.

It kind of does the opposite of a soothing bedtime practice.

You're only able to, as they say, rest in power.

Absolutely.

One of the contradictions of the ruling that you're asking for, Maite, is that you're hoping, you're asking me to order Brent to get better, to improve his game, to make it less basic.

And if I were to so order, and Brent were able to do that, that would mean that he would start winning more than 35% of the time, in which case you would not be getting

your bedtime routine

basking in his frustration.

You'd be getting less out of the game than you currently enjoy.

I think it would make me have to also level up.

And to keep up with the current ratio, that just means that we have to play more.

How do you level up beyond cacao nibs?

It's possible.

Is that the most obscure one she's ever come up with, Brent?

No.

No.

Protractor the other day.

Protractor was one.

I can't remember precisely, but I do

somehow remember

that it was air

or some it was something.

It was like a, it was something like that,

some invisible thing that just like a like dark matter or something.

It wasn't that specific, but it was something like that where there's absolutely no way you can like guess that, so it's just impossible.

My day

was it dark matter?

I don't have a specific recollection of I have a vague memory, just like you pointed out.

It,

I mean, it sounds like it was a vague answer.

It wasn't air, though.

I wouldn't, I wouldn't go to something like that.

It must have been like helium or something, yeah, some sort of gas.

Can you use helium to hunt an animal?

Maybe,

Brent, Maita says you're not listening to the hints that she's giving you and the consideration that she's giving you.

How do you respond to that?

It's true.

I have to admit that

without, I guess I'm not making excuses.

I'm just explaining what's happening internally is I'm both tired and

I get sidetracked by something she says and I'm like hyper sensitive to her answers because I know I have to be on my toes.

So like

even the slightest intonation or pause or something gets me stuck.

And so I'm thinking about that and I forgot that I had already, I'll ask the same question again because I forgot.

And so just compromise across the board trying to play this game.

Look, I feel like I've asked every question, yes and no, and other question that I can

without actually seeing this in action.

And I think I need to see it in action in order to make a decision.

So I'm going to go into my chambers now and get into pajamas and put on my facial mask because that's my bedtime routine.

And when we come back, Maite, you're going to try to stump me and

Brent with a game of 20 questions.

We each get 10.

Jesse, you want to be in on this?

Yeah, I'll be in on this because that way if I win, I'll feel bad.

And if I lose, I'll feel bad.

Sorry about that, but that's what games are like, I suppose.

Yep.

And

yeah.

And then as soon as I,

well, I mean, I guess it's just trial by 20 questions, right?

I mean, if you can stump me, Mai Tay, you win.

If Brent or I get it right, then Brent wins.

What do you feel about that?

Who cares?

I'm doing it anyway.

I'll be back in a moment.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

Brent, how are you feeling about your chances right now?

About 50-50.

Yeah, not 35-60,

for example.

No, which is where I'm usually at, but no, 50-50.

Do you think you're better at 20 questions than Maite is?

Yes.

Maite, how do you feel about your chances right now?

I feel like,

you know, I'm getting what, three against one?

It's going to be a little bit challenging, but I will, I will take it.

Do you think you're better at 20 questions than your husband?

Absolutely.

The certitude.

She sold it, Brent.

She sold it.

I'm buying it from her.

I'm not buying it from you.

Well, we'll see what Judge Hodgman has to say about all this when we come back in just a moment.

Hi, I'm Amber Nash, the voice of Pam Poovy on the groundbreaking FX animated comedy Archer.

Remember Archer?

I sure don't.

That's why I started rephrasing an Archer rewatch podcast on maximumfun.org.

Join me and a bevy of special guests as we discuss every episode of Archer starting from the very beginning.

Archer executive producer Casey Willis and editor Christian Danley will provide insight and fun and help me remember everything I've forgotten about Archer, which is a lot.

So, join me on rephrasing an Archer Rewatch podcast on maximumfun.org because I can't wait to watch Archer again for the very first time.

The Wizards Answer answer eight by eight.

The Conclaves call to demonstrate their arcane gift, their single spell.

They number 64

until a conflagration

63

and 62 they soon shall be, as one by one the wizards die,

till one remains to reign on high.

Join us for Taz Royale, an oops all wizards battle royale season of the adventure zone every other Thursday on maximumfun.org or wherever you get your podcasts.

John, you know, it's a very special time.

That's right.

It's the 25th anniversary of Bullseye.

Bullseye with Jesse Thorne.

My public radio program turns 25 years old this autumn.

I started it in my dorm room and at the college radio station at UC Santa Cruz, KZSE, the heavyweight 88, when I was 19 years old, 25 years ago.

I have been on the radio every single week without fail for 25 years.

I can't believe it.

We are doing some really cool stuff to celebrate.

What are you doing to celebrate?

Your silver anniversary of Bullseye.

Well, for one thing, we just recorded a live streaming show that is on the Bullseye YouTube channel in which I interviewed 25 people in a row,

including but not limited to Tanya Mosley, the host of Fresh Air,

Rob Cordry, Paul Scheer, Bob Odenkirk,

all kinds of amazing people, Lisa Loeb.

all kinds of amazing people who I love,

as well as a few of Young America old schoolers like Gene and Jordan, my original co-hosts, and Dan Grayson, who wrote the theme music.

To be clear, this is not a clip show.

This was a live show.

25 consecutive interviews, me sitting in the studio.

Yeah, while people rolled through.

And we're talking about people who have been interviewed on Bullseye before, have been part of Bullseye history.

And it's not a coincidence that each and every one of them is a different kind of creative genius, because the truth is, when you listen to Jesse Thorne interview people on Bullseye, you are gaining insight into how the creative mind works that you'll not get anywhere else.

I love you as an interviewer, Jesse.

It's how I came to know you.

You interviewed me, and this is such an incredible thing.

And people can watch it on the YouTube, right?

On the Bullseye YouTube.

Indeed, just search for Bullseye with Jesse Thorne on YouTube.

You will find it there.

We also have three live shows: Los Angeles, where I and the show live, New York City, where we did our first ever live show, I don't know, 15 years ago, 18 years ago, gosh, a long time ago.

And Santa Cruz, where the show started.

So in LA on October 16th, we've got Jason Manzoukis, Aparna Noncharla, Cheech Marine, and Roy Wood Jr.

Not half bad, John.

Murderer's Row.

Not half bad.

Get a load of this.

Get a load of this.

In Santa Cruz, California, I know what you're going to say.

What are you going to interview?

A freaking banana slug?

What are you going to interview?

The caveman that's on the sky tram at the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk.

Jennifer knows what I'm talking about.

Some of the underground dwellers from the movie Us.

Yeah,

what are you going to interview?

A surprisingly large group of people on mushrooms?

No.

What are you going to interview?

A boardwalk made of cement?

There you go.

Adam Scott.

from Severance and Parks and Recreation, Santa Cruz's own.

Santa Cruz's own, Adam Scott.

What a delight.

Plus, representing Oakland, California, one of the greatest rappers of all time, and a brilliant filmmaker, Boots Riley.

My friend Glenn Washington, the host of Snap Judgment, and our very old friend Scott Simpson is going to be doing some stand-up comedy.

He's not that old.

He's just an old friend of ours.

We've known him for a long time.

He's a brilliant comedian.

You remember him from You Look Nice Today, and he's such a delight.

Well, that's a lot of show, Jesse, in Santa Cruz.

John, I didn't even mention Mariachi Eterno de UCSE, the UCSC Mariachi Ensemble.

This is going to be quite a night.

And then November 15th at the People's Improv Theater in New York City, John Benjamin, Josh Gondelman, Jad Abumrod, and our friends and past Judge John Hodgman guests, Kristen Anderson Lopez and Bobby Lopez playing some of the legendary songs that got them in ECOT.

These are all amazing shows.

I can't wait to be at everyone that I can be.

You shouldn't wait either.

How do they get tickets?

Maximumfund.org/slash events is where all the information is.

Maximumfund.org slash events.

LA, Santa Cruz, New York City, live on the internet, all of that at maximumfund.org slash events.

Plus, if you subscribe to Bullseye, we're going to have a full autumn of special programs, including but not limited to highlights from these live shows, but also highlights from 25 years of doing our show.

Gene and Jordan, my original co-hosts, one of of whom I still do Jordan Jesse Go with, came into the studio and our producers made us listen to clips of us 25 years ago on college radio.

And

it was intense.

We listened to the episode.

One time we had to give away these tickets to

a flamenco show in like Felton, California, maybe.

And

somebody called in and they won the contest, but they said they would only take the tickets if Gene would go with them.

Yeah.

And so we decided on the spot to simulate a date between her and Gene.

Like, how would it go?

She did so well that Gene went with her, and then they were boyfriend and girlfriend for like a year.

Wow.

That's a true story.

Anyway, all of that on Bullseye with Jesse Thorne for the 25th anniversary.

I'm so excited.

I am, and I join the world in congratulating you on 25 years of an incredible series of conversations, one of which included me.

It's how we met.

And I'm so glad that we did.

And I hope to see you all there at all these wonderful shows.

Maximumfund.org slash events.

Is that where you go?

Maximumfund.org slash events.

Go and get it.

Please rise as Judge Sean Hodgman re-enters the courtroom and presents his, well, I guess his 20 questions game.

Well, I am going to be a guesser in the game that Maite leads.

Jesse and Brent will also guess.

We will each guess what's 20 divided by three.

We'll alternate starting with Brent, then Jesse, then me, and go round Robin.

Jennifer Marmor, if you will keep track of the total number of questions and the promise that I have made that if

Maite stumps us all,

Mai Tay wins the case.

If Brent or Jesse or I get it right,

then I may give a different verdict.

John, we will each get 6.66 guesses, the guesses of of the beast.

Couldn't be more appropriate.

Maite, do you have the prompt in mind?

I have a few options.

I need a few seconds.

All right.

But,

and I guess this is sideways.

Yeah, you can ask me clarifying questions, certainly.

She's trying to decide between pencil eraser and the metal that goes around the pencil that holds the eraser to the wooden part of the pencil.

Got it.

No.

Let the record reflect that Maite's eyes are closed and she's searching deep within her nether regions for a possible answer.

Will it be Kant's categorical imperative or Freon

or the concept of shame?

All right.

I got it.

Okay.

Brent, are you going to start it off?

Yes.

All right.

I usually start off with, do we own one?

I'm already, I'm learning a lot already.

That's a legitimate question.

My say is gazing into the sky.

We're already in the nether regions.

The first question, do we own one?

A quest point of fact that eliminates many things.

This is when we learn that they actually own five kangaroos.

Well, here's the thing.

Now I need to remember.

I'm trying to go in my mind.

Do we actually own one?

Because maybe he remembers that we do and I don't so this is this is why it's tricky so i'm trying to be very precise

um i am going to say no

this is also difficult because the judge and the bailiff don't know what we own

i'm just trying to it i'm trying to determine style of play here i'm trying to understand okay the dynamics of the play so every everything is correct is it alive uh

no is it a physical object yes is it bigger than a basketball?

No.

Can you?

I'm not falling into that trap.

Not can you eat it?

Do people regularly eat?

No.

That still won't work.

Is it food?

No.

No.

Is it what?

Is it food?

No, it's not food.

How many questions are we in?

Jennifer Marmor says five.

I just assumed Jennifer was brenting out and not listening.

I can see why you find this a relaxing game to play.

I'm over here breaking pencils in half maniacally and flopping my legs around trying to think.

Is it something you find in a kitchen?

This is classic.

This is classic.

Is it something you typically find in a kitchen?

My gracious.

I'm going to say yes.

Yeah.

Oh, wow.

Okay.

Does it require electricity?

No.

To use.

Is that a separate?

Not to exist.

Well, for atoms to stick together, there needs to be a positive and a negative charge.

So in that sense,

it does not require electricity.

Is it used for cooking?

No.

Would you find it in a refrigerator?

No.

Well, I mean, maybe, but no.

Maybe.

I know.

It's a real short list of stuff that you don't eat that you keep in the refrigerator.

I know.

I know.

Batteries.

Well, it could be baking powder.

Okay.

Or soda, I guess.

Batteries.

Is it a tool?

And just because chimpanzees use sticks to get ants doesn't mean sticks count as a tool.

Is it a kitchen stick?

That wasn't a guess.

Is it a tool?

Is the question?

It is a tool.

Okay.

Is it used to eat?

Um,

define eat.

Wow.

So every human being.

Counselor, I'll see you at my bench case.

All right.

I mean, the only possible answer now is one of those pouches that applesauce comes in sometimes.

Or possibly something that holds like a soup that you drink.

Because I can't imagine what else could be maybe eating and maybe not.

Go-gurt.

It's hard to answer.

Again, is

rephrase the question.

I'll allow it.

Is eating something you do with it?

I don't like that rephrase.

It's well, I didn't.

I liked the first phrase.

Obviously, it's the one that made sense.

I am going again.

It's not for cooking, right?

We established it's not for cooking.

I am going.

So, the question is: is it a tool for eating?

Did we establish that it's not for cooking?

Yeah, we did, right?

The answer was no.

Is it used to eat or drink?

Yes.

Is it used to drink?

Yes.

Those of you who are watching YouTube can see that Jesse Thorne has a guess, but it's Brent's guess now.

It's not going to be that easy.

I can tell.

He would never be this easy.

I'm going to say

it's going to be one of those hollowed-out coconuts that you drink tiki drinks out of.

I'm going to say

an espresso.

Is it an espresso cup?

No.

Did you see that?

Did you hear that?

The delay on the notebook, right?

Because then it gets you thinking.

I mean, you could put an espresso in one of those holiday coconuts.

I think that's my

point here.

So, just to just to recap, it's a tool.

It lives in the kitchen.

It's smaller than a basketball.

It

is used for drinking,

but it's not an espresso cup.

How many questions have we asked?

That's not one of my questions.

13.

Oh, this is great.

This is great.

This is going to be great.

Is it generally for

hot drinks?

No.

Well, I take this back then.

The thing I was waving at the camera.

Is drinking its primary purpose?

Yes.

Number 15, Brent.

All right.

We don't own one.

So here's where I have the advantage for you guys.

We don't own like a Stein or a...

What's a Stein?

Like a big, big mug for beer.

Don't guess Stein.

Yeah.

Be realistic.

Be realistic.

Go with Holland out.

You guys can't like exchange info.

No, you're right.

That's true.

We're not exchanging info.

Okay.

We're friends.

That's what friends do.

We're just trying to have a fun time.

Sorry.

We thought for a second that it was a game.

My mistake.

Wait, I have a question.

Is this a podcast?

Okay, go ahead.

So it's maybe a type of vessel for drinking that we don't own.

I'm going to say a canteen.

No.

Is it a straw?

It is.

Oh.

Wow.

Dang.

Do you see that's a perfect reasonable?

That was a pretty reasonable one.

That was

that was incredible.

Like, you don't own a goddamn straw?

I don't think so.

I wasn't.

Do we have straws?

We absolutely own straws.

No, we don't know where.

I mean, maybe.

For Sebastian's cups

for the leftover takeout straws that we have in the drawer.

Maybe, but I don't know for a fact that we have some.

Wow.

Here it is.

That's really interesting.

Yeah, what about Sebastian's cups?

I didn't even think of that.

You see, like, it's not top of mind.

So I'm trying to be fair.

Is Sebastian someone you know, Maite?

No, he's the crab from the little mermaid.

That's our son.

Yeah.

Oh, you forgot that your son

in your

obsession with the dominating 20 questions

forgot about Sebastian and his straws.

That's where she's at.

That's the level.

All right.

Well, now I'm going to make my verdict.

I'm going to make it swift.

Maite, I thought you were going to stump us there and you were just going to walk away with it.

You didn't happen to.

Congratulations, Jesse Thorne.

I don't think I would have ever gotten to straw.

Amazing creative thinking from Jesse Thorne.

And by the way, Maite,

that's a great clue.

Love that clue.

But it was really illustrative and helpful for me to see the gameplay

because I got to see

the faults in your respective games.

One being, you don't know if you own any straws.

And you gave the answer, no, after some back and forth hesitation.

Whereas I think an appropriate answer would have been,

I just don't know.

I'm not sure.

That would be a fair and accurate answer.

Brent, in the meantime, I thought you were out of bounds with: do we own one?

Because my style of play

is

trying to break things down into broad categories of existential categories.

Size,

usefulness,

what is it made of?

When you said existential categories, I was sure you were going to say, like,

does it make life worth living?

Yeah, that, well, I mean, that I do feel that, Brent, some of your questions, you complain about going into these gray areas, but you're opening gray areas, right?

Like, can you use it to hunt?

Does God love it?

You know,

is it a man-made food?

And do we own one?

Are questions that are really open interpretation

rather than clear elimination of category?

And yet, I have to give you credit, we kind of got closer and closer to it because

you reoriented our thinking into,

for me at least, into,

well,

my case is it doesn't exist in your home, but let's think about your home.

Let me break your home down into categories.

Is it a kitchen item?

Is it a bedroom item?

Is it a bathroom item?

That sort of thing.

And I think that helped us get there.

We all played our part, but only Jesse Thorne made that creative move to straw.

And I want to be clear.

I apologize to you guys for winning.

I feel like such a jerk.

Well, Jesse, I understand and I appreciate that.

And I want to talk about that feeling in a moment.

But you don't have to feel like a jerk because really we cheated.

Jennifer Marmor gave us a hint, which was not fair to my day by suggesting that we ask, can you use it to drink?

We might have gotten there eventually.

And I think it's producer's privilege to keep things moving along and creating an interesting outcome.

It was an exciting, fun game.

And what I want to say about it was that it was fun,

that we had fun together.

In no way, right?

In no way was that relaxing or calming

to me,

to Jesse.

Jesse ended up feeling bad.

And I don't know.

To Brent, I'm not sure how he felt about it.

But I mean, was it relaxing to you?

No.

I mean, here's the thing, Maite.

I think that this is a game where people feel put on the spot and forced to prove their intelligence.

And

that's not relaxing to most people.

And I dare say not to Brent.

I can understand why it would be relaxing to you.

if you are primarily the person giving the clue, because then you don't have to prove your own intelligence.

All you have to do is flaunt your own intelligence.

And that I find to be extremely relaxing.

That's why in our automobile family road trips,

we take turns.

It was obviously an advantage

to

having being the person giving the clue.

It's a much better feeling than being the person who is literally clueless.

which is a horrible feeling to have.

And then feeling like you're going to lose and be judged, and you're going to to have to flop your feet in order for your spouse to feel good or whatever it is that's going on in your bedroom.

First of all, games should be fun.

And I think that when Jesse talks about the fact that he feels bad both when he loses games and when he wins games, and therefore he avoids games, that shows a lot of self-knowledge about the fact that games can often be anxiety producing in any direction.

And I think that it's interesting to me, at least to say the the least,

that for you, the fun of the game is enjoying Brent failing.

There's another kind of fun to have, which is when the person guesses correctly

and picks up what you've been laying down.

That's not fun for you.

But the way you're playing now is not really fun for Brent either.

And one of the laws of Court of Judge John Hodgman, as I'm reminded time and time again when I forget to say it, is that if it's not fun for everyone, it's no fun at all.

Torturing Brent

is not fun for Brent.

It's fun for you.

I get it.

I understand why.

Brent does need to improve his game, however.

And I think there are strategies for playing 20 questions that you can read up on that I think will help you get out of these gray area questions and get you into a get your winning quotient up a little bit further.

And in that regard, I do rule in Maite's favor.

But overall,

I rule in Brent's favor

because a game has to be fair.

That means defining the rules very clearly ahead of time.

Like, when do you say yes?

When do you say no?

When do you say I don't know?

When do you say maybe?

And what does that mean?

And do you need to get an extra question if the person doesn't know the answer to one question?

You know, you figure it out, establish the rules.

But the fairest form of fair play is turnabout.

And that means you got to take turns having the clue.

It can't just be you every time, my day.

It's got to go back and forth

because there's one version of this game that is fun, and there's one version of this game where it's just anxiety-producing.

And it just depends on who's playing what position.

And

the

real joy joy of the game is that when someone stumps you

then you get to to mess with them directly afterward and everyone should write this down you're never going to have a happy marriage unless you allow your spouse revenge

maybe that's not something i should say out loud

but the point is you got to take turns

this is the sound of a gavel I want to ask you a bunch of questions, and I want to have them answered immediately.

Judge John Hodgman rules that is all.

please rise as judge john hodgman exits the courtroom my te how are you feeling

i'm at peace i feel like i can live with this ruling brent how are you feeling uh yes very well very good that's a fair ruling i think there's a there's a good compromise there that i'm more than happy to enact brent Maite, thank you for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Thank you.

Thank you.

another judge john hodgman case is in the books in just a second we will have swift justice first our thanks to redditor little sad rufus for naming this week's episode animal vegetable criminal great name join the conversation over on the maximum fun subreddit john that's at reddit.com slash r slash maximum fun

that's where we ask for these title suggestions you can also check out the title suggestions there evidence and photos from the show posted on our Instagram account.

That's at instagram.com slash judgejohnhodgman.

We're also on TikTok and YouTube at judgejohnhodgman pod.

Follow and subscribe to see episodes and video only content.

And speaking of YouTube, our YouTube comment of the week this week comes from user at ADSGMA10.

In our Comfort Feuds episode recently, we had the great Deb Perelman and Kenji Lopez alt of the recipe podcast, and we were discussing the big controversy over whether chili has beans or not.

Real chili?

Does it have beans?

At 80 SGMA 10 says, quote, I'm a vegetarian.

My chili is all beans.

You stay all beans.

At 80 SGMA 10, thank you so much for watching and commenting on YouTube where we always have a blast reading your comments.

Please go check out our YouTube channel at JudgeJohnHodgman Pod on YouTube.

We have whole episodes there, often YouTube-only extras.

And of course, your your chance to like, share, subscribe, and leave a comment, all of which helps our show reach more people.

So thank you.

John, those commenters are often full of beans.

They're all full of beans.

Don't get Jesse Thorne started on beans.

Big fat juicy beans.

Judge John Hodgman was created by Jesse Thorne and John Hodgman.

This broadcast edited by A.J.

McKeon.

Our video editor is Daniel Spear.

Our producer is Jennifer Marmor.

Okay, you ready for Swift Justice, John?

I am ready for Swift Justice.

Comatic

on the MaxFun subreddit says, while putting up closet shelves, my wife very earnestly said, I wish I was a little bit taller.

Equally earnestly, I responded, I wish I was a baller.

Was she right to be upset with me, or is there a skeleton?

I only know

have I ever learned the rest of the lyrics of that song?

You know, I looked them up.

Yeah.

I mean, I heard it so many times, but all I can remember because of my

bad brain, and I'm not talking about the lyrics of a bad brain song, I'm talking about my brain functions badly.

Right.

I wish I were a little bit taller.

I wish I was a baller.

But then you pulled a rabbit out of a hat.

I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat and a six-foot

Impala.

Six, four.

There'd be a 6'4 Impala, I would think.

six four Impala.

I read it wrong over here on the on the lyrics website that I was looking at.

Um, hey, I like that song, it's a great song.

And if you say, I wish I was a little bit taller, you've got to, you've got to imagine I wish I was a baller was coming back at you from the universe somehow.

So, sorry, have fun, have fun with your quote, with your uh, with your rap music quotes.

And, uh, you know, there's always time for fun, even when putting up closet shelves.

That's one of those songs that like uh people who don't really like hip-hop talk about a lot.

And I heard it the other day and I was like, oh, well, yeah, that's just because it rules.

It rules.

It's very, very crazy.

It's a totally great song.

Yeah, it's a great song.

By the way, the leaves are falling from the trees.

We're inching towards all Hallows Eve.

You know what that means.

It's cozy goth season.

Cozy disputes are what we're looking for now.

Do you like a lot of throw blankets, but your roommate?

doesn't want blankets thrown all over the place.

Are you ready to decorate for Christmas, even though it's not even Halloween yet?

Well, you're wrong, but I want to hear about it.

Do you want to use that fireplace, but your partner says it's too soon in the season?

What are your cozy disputes?

I want to know them.

Send them to me at maximumfund.org slash jjho or email me directly at hodgman at maximumfund.org.

I read all of your disputes.

I sort them.

I love them.

I enjoy them.

I put them in for the cozy goth docket that we're going to do.

I put them in for a regular episode.

i put them over there for the new york times magazine everyone gets read and appreciated by me and it doesn't even have to be just cozy goth disputes right jesse could be any kind of dispute no matter what your dispute is big or small we judge them all maximumfund.org slash jjho is where to go to submit them uh and please do maximumfund.org slash jjho we'll talk to you next time on the judge john hodgman podcast

Maximum Fun, a worker-owned network of artists-owned shows supported directly by you.