New England Style Justice Chowder

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Who am I?

Oh, well, it's simply me, your Judge John Hodgman.

Oh, bailiff my bailiff Jesse Thorne has the week off,

but I am in chambers with some of our favorite summer friends to clear the docket.

I know that I've been in New York for much of the summer, most of the summer, because I'm working on a little project for Hulu called up here, so I haven't been able to visit as I would normally do with my summertime, fun-time friend, Monty Belmonte.

Hi, Monty.

Hello, Judge John Hodgman.

Monty Belmonte, of course, is up there in the northwest of the northeast, Northampton, Massachusetts.

WRSI the River, 93.9 frequency modulation.

And of course, even further north and further east is our friend Joel the main man man.

Hello, Joel.

Hello, Judge.

How are you?

I am fine, thank you.

I'm doing as okay as possible.

And you sound as even-keeled and affectless as always.

Joel, up there at W-E-R-U,

89.9 FM.

Community radio up there in Orono, Maine, serving Orino?

Where else?

Blue Hill?

Bar Harbor?

You get to Bar Harbor?

Does your signal get out there?

Ellsworth.

Even as far as Ellsworth, everybody.

The solar-powered sounds of W-E-R-U.

Joel Mann, welcome back to the United States.

I don't want to tell on your personal business, but

you were traveling abroad in France because of what?

My daughter got married.

Your daughter got married.

Congratulations.

Yes.

Congratulations.

That's so wonderful.

Very proud.

Very proud.

Yeah.

And,

you know, initially I was going to try to sneak up to Maine for a weekend.

And

I had a Monday.

And I was like, I said to Jennifer Marmor, who's also with us, hi, Jennifer.

Hello.

I said to Jennifer Marmor, and

you can tell them if I'm a liar.

I said, can we get Joel Mann?

I can go into WERU on this one Monday because

I had a couple of days off.

So I went up to see my family up in Maine.

And she said, I think Joel Mann is in France seeing his daughter get married.

And I said, bullroar, call him back.

That's no excuse.

Come back.

But you wouldn't do it, would you, Joel?

Not this time.

Any other time I would have.

I guess your daughter getting married is more important than this podcast, but only by a hair.

Only by a hair.

And Monty, what'd you do today?

What'd you do today up there in Northampton?

Did you host your morning radio show?

I did.

I had a nice show.

It was pretty good.

Then I went out to lunch with my friend who's a Northampton resident and author, so it's been quite a nice day.

Now I get to talk to you and Joel Mann.

Who's this

other famous friend you got now?

Northampton author?

National Book Award-winning author Jeannie Burtzall, author of The The Penderwicks.

The Penderwicks?

That's very famous.

Yes.

Young adult series.

It is.

I love it.

It's a great series.

All right.

I would be having lunch with you if you came to visit Western Mass.

All right.

I was wondering when the guilt was going to kick in.

I was going to try to start guilting you, but you out-guilted me.

Yeah.

I still have abandonment issues.

No, well, I've not abandoned you.

I simply haven't returned for years.

Not abandonment.

You came out to Western Mass for the Solid Sound Festival, though, so I did get to see you.

Not at North Theater.

But I did get to see you at Solid Sound.

And I think we need to do another event

at the Shea Theater in Turner's Falls.

Don't you agree?

I would love that.

Let's hope that the ongoing pandemic allows it.

But in the meantime, we assembled a docket of

all New England-style cases.

That is to say, thick and creamy.

Not with red tomato sauce?

Not with red tomato.

We're talking about New England-style justice chowder.

Love it.

Thick and creamy and flavored with thyme.

And the three of us are going to bring down some New England justice.

The states of New England, of course, are Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire, Rhode Island.

And that's it.

Am I missing any Monty?

Massachusetts.

Nope, it's not a state.

It's Commonwealth.

Gotcha.

You did.

And then there's one other.

There is one other one.

Technically, Connecticut.

No, not technically.

Fully is a New England state.

They got a lobster roll.

They got to be a state.

But, you know,

last time we did a New England docket, the three of us together,

we were underrepresented in Rhode Island.

Or maybe proportionately represented Rhode Island because Rhode Island is the smallest state in the Union.

They call it Lil Rhodie.

You know, we have a non-democratic Senate that apportions equal votes to states that are large and depopulated, to states that are smaller and densely populated.

And so people complain, like, why does South Dakota have as many senators as the Bronx?

But no one stops to say, why does Rhode Island get a senator at all?

That little thing.

Here's a case from Elsa in Bristol, Rhode Island.

Do you know where that is?

I was married very near there in Warren, Rhode Island.

Yes?

Colt State Park in Warren, Rhode Island.

Love Rhode Island.

Maybe you'll recognize Elsa from her case.

My husband, Dan, often refers to the social gatherings we host together as, quote, my events.

For example, a couple weeks ago, we planned to have some family over for a cookout.

Dan asked his brother if he knew what he was bringing to, quote, Elsa's thing.

This is what it's probably sounding like.

Hey, what are you bringing to Elsa's thing?

That's a Rhode Island accent.

What do you bring into Elsa's thing?

Right, Elsa's thing.

That's a Rhode Island accent.

Or if I ask Dan to please ask one of the guests to bring X,

you know, something like a gallon of scallops, for example,

Dan will often say to the guest that, hey, Elsa wants you to bring a gallon of scallops

to her thing.

This makes it sound like I'm hosting the party, and that Dan is simply a person who happens to be in the house at the same time.

I should note that Dan is always a fine and helpful co-host, but as we are a married couple living in the same house, Dan should refer to these gatherings as our party rather than my thing.

And I asked Elsa how long they've been a couple.

They've been together for 11 years and married for six of those years.

So I have a question

for you, Monty, and for you, Joel.

Who hosts the things at your houses?

If you have a cookout, who is the host, would you say?

We both are.

Co-hosts, really?

Yeah, yeah.

I would ask the husband why he puts it that way.

I would too, but we don't have him here, so we can just be mean about him without him around.

Well, I can maybe answer for him because I feel very similar to this, where I think a lot of it, for for me personally, when it comes to interactions with human beings on a friendship level, I am painfully shy and afraid to invite people to a gathering at my house.

It takes all of my courage and muster to say, please come to this thing.

So whenever there is a gathering at our house, it is clearly my wife who has orchestrated it.

So that could be one reason.

Why it would be Elsa's thing.

The other reason could be

not shy.

How are you shy?

when have I ever gone to you and said hey Hodgman do you want to go do this thing with me you're a secret introvert is what you're saying yes so I have a friend who I've known for 42 years and my when I was a child in my backyard his backyard was adjacent to mine I would walk back and forth in my backyard in the hopes that he would see me in the backyard and come over because I am terrified I'm going to impose here's my Hodgman anecdote you were

playing with They Might Be Giants at the Calvin Theater in Northampton.

I was providing some narration.

I was not jamming with them.

Right.

You were there as part of the show and you said, text me and we'll hang out after the show.

And I was like, oh my God, terrified.

I'm going to have to, he might change his mind.

I might be imposing.

So I texted you and there was no response.

So I went home.

I changed my husband.

And then you texted me later and

you're like, hey, where are you?

And I said, oh, I texted you and there was no response.

So I went home.

And you were like, hi, I told you we were going to hang out after.

And that's how I am.

But that's not your fault.

That's my fault.

I I was a terrible, I didn't respond in time.

That's my point: I'm terrified of the rejection.

I'm going to be having the greatest time of my life with They Might Be Giants.

I'm sure you were.

The Hangout was that they might be John Flansberg and me going, like, hey, what's up?

Did you see that TV show?

Okay, I got to go home.

Too tired.

Yeah.

Well, Joel, are you a secret introvert?

Yeah, I guess I am, kind of.

Yeah.

I don't think it's a secret.

Yeah.

You have a natural

flinty reticence.

I just say, hey, you want to come over for some scallops?

And that usually does it.

Right.

A gallon of scallops sounds amazing, by the way.

Yeah, did you get your gallon yet, Joel?

I did, and I've worked my way through most of it.

And do you have scallop parties, or do you just sit with your bucket in the middle of the night and enjoy them all yourself?

Usually down in the basement in the dark.

Right, exactly.

But I know that you have people over, right?

And isn't there usually one person who does more than the other?

Well, I usually cook.

That way I don't have to talk to anybody.

There we go.

That's a great trick.

Yeah.

That's a great trick for shy guys.

Have you had any cookouts this summer?

Not a whole lot because we've been away for most of the month.

Yeah, I get it.

You went to France.

I got it.

Yeah, yeah.

Sit in the cafes, you know, a little spritz.

Do you wear a little beret?

No, no.

Got one

for Sweetie Pie, though.

Our new little dog.

You got a beret for your dog Sweetie Pie?

I remember.

Yeah, he's a miniature dachshund, a cocktail wiener.

I don't know how you could get more miniature than a regular dachshund.

You can.

Would you send a photo so that we can post it on our Judge Sean Hodgman Instagram account?

Yeah, I will.

I'll do it.

I appreciate that.

Joel, Monty's theory is that Dan is just shy, and that's why he says this is Elsa's thing.

What do you think about that?

Do you agree, or do you have a different theory about this guy?

I have a different theory.

I mean, it's one thing to be shy, but when you're given a party, I mean,

you know, everybody's part of it.

So I would never say, hey, come over to Michelle's thing.

Right.

That just doesn't seem right.

Why do you think he's doing this, though?

I really couldn't tell you.

I think that's something a lot deeper than we have time to analyze right now, but

it's kind of worrisome that he would approach it that way.

Yeah, I mean,

I think there's something deeper, but I definitely think we have time to say, Dan, you're being a jerk.

He could just be resentful of having to have a party and not want a party.

True.

He could be an introvert and just like

he could be shy.

He could feel uncomfortable about it.

Not want the party.

He may not want the party, but, you know, it's part of the deal of being married.

Jennifer Marmin, do you have a theory as to why Dan doesn't want to say that it's his party too?

Yeah, and I just want to say that it would be weird for him to be resentful about having his own family over, assuming that the family gets along and there are no issues.

I think he doesn't want to be responsible.

for this party or gathering in any way.

And so if he keeps saying,

yeah, just bring this to Elsa's thing, you know, it puts the onus on her.

Yeah, I think that you're right, Jennifer, that on some level, there is just a simple desire to evade responsibility.

The responsibilities of being a host

mean you have to

be there for other people.

You have to entertain your guests.

You have to

be available to them.

And if you are shy or introverted, and really what you just want to do is sit inside on a chair and play a video game while your mommy wife takes care of your mom and dad and brothers and sisters for you.

And I don't know that that's what's going on here, but that is an impulse that is natural and yet must be

resisted.

Because

when you get married, you enter into a partnership.

And it's absolutely true that there is often one person or another who sort of

just de facto becomes the more hosty of the hosts.

In my relationship,

my wife, who's a whole human being in her own right, is a little bit more introverted than I am.

She's a wonderful host when she decides to be one, but I'm often initiating like get-togethers, or at least I was doing this before the pandemic began.

And then I realized just how wonderful introversion is.

I may never host a party again in my life.

But back then, back when I was saying, hey, mommy, come on over and drink vodka in my basement,

that was me.

I was like, let's have him over.

Let's have a good time.

And yet, my wife is a whole human being overwrite would never say, this is John's thing.

She would say, welcome to our house.

I would want to know if after the party was over and it was really great, does he say, did you enjoy our party?

Or

does he, you know?

Look, it's very tempting to not think particularly charitable about Dan of Bristol, Rhode Island here.

Can I act as Dan's lawyer since I sort of have?

Elsa does say I should note that Dan is always a fine and helpful co-host.

So really, if he's having a hard time navigating this party scene emotionally and his only

shortcoming is referring to it as Elsa's thing, but is still otherwise holding down the fort when he needs to, I think he should be allowed to call it Elsa's thing.

It's just calling it a thing.

He's still acting appropriately during the event itself.

Well,

you're very smart to bring that up, Monty, because she does say that Dan is a fine and helpful co-host.

So he is not simply sitting inside on his Nintendo Switch, getting his mommy wife to take care of his own family for him.

He is not doing that.

So I'm sorry that I have slandered Dan that way.

But I would argue that if you are a fine and helpful co-host and fulfilling those duties, that's the hard part.

The easy part is to simply say our party.

It does not cost anything to simply say our thing.

Because the whole marriage, that's your plural thing, not your singular.

In France, Joel, as you know, they have different forms of you for singular and plural.

Tu or vous.

But here in the United States, we have such a backwards language.

We only have you or you or you for singular and plural.

And I'll never say y'all because I'm not from the South.

Maybe he loves her so much he wants to give her all the credit.

Maybe that's it.

Whatever.

We'll never know what's going on in Dan's head.

Probably Elsa will never know.

But Dan, if you're listening, Elsa would prefer for you to say it is our party rather than Elsa's thing.

And I think that that's a very reasonable ask.

And if that's a problem for you, then you can interrogate that a little between the two of you, Elsa and Dan.

But yeah,

but the one thing that you don't want to do is be, well, I mean, there are many things you don't want to do, but

if you're a dude and a heterosexual couple, don't foist off party hosting to your wife.

Here's something from Monique in Cranston, Rhode Island.

After dating long distance, I recently moved in with my partner, Kevin, here in Rhode Island.

Yeah, we get it, Rhode Island, got it.

Kevin organizes utensils by size rather than by type.

For example, the space that is designated designated for forks, which is literally shaped like a fork in the drawer, contains small spoons and small forks.

The space designated for spoons, again, shaped like a spoon in the drawer, contains large spoons and large forks.

Kevin says this makes it easier to find a small spoon for eating ice cream.

However, this makes putting away clean dishes very difficult because you must compare utensils to one another in order to know how they size up.

Please order him to organize the drawer by type.

Monty, what do you think about this?

This is an infuriating case.

Why does this speak to you?

Because forks belong with forks and spoons belong with spoons.

And if your only logic for organizing it in this way is to find a small spoon for ice cream, you need to take a small spoon and make it your own and put it somewhere else where you can always find it and let order prevail in your household.

First of all, that ice cream, since we're in Rhode Island, is going to be coffee ice cream covered in coffee syrup.

Ideally autocrat-brand coffee syrup.

The best coffee syrup named for a despot.

Or maybe it's a cabinet, which is a Rhode Island-style milkshake slash wrap.

That's right, a cabinet.

Called a cabinet, presumably because of the New England accent.

Instead of a carbonate, a cabinet.

Oh, I didn't know that.

That is an explanation I have heard for that.

Joel, are you still there?

I'm still here, and that's just wrong.

I couldn't live that way.

You're talking about

my explanation of cabinet as carbonate or the way that Kevin puts the spoons and forks away?

Both.

Yeah.

Can you imagine

dating long distance?

Like, I dated, my wife was a whole human being in her own right for a long time, long distance.

We didn't live together or even in the same cities for much of our early relationship.

So you develop your whole way of being in the world

without compromise in your home, unless you have roommates.

But even then, it's like you have your room, you have your way of doing things.

Jennifer Marmer, can you imagine dating someone long distance?

No.

First of all, no.

Never done it.

All right, but now, but see if you can put yourself in Monique's shoes.

Okay, I'm there.

You're there in Cranston, Rhode Island.

Well, no, Kevin's there in Cranston, Rhode Island.

Monique is elsewhere.

Oh, right.

She moved in with Kevin, right?

Yes, yes, yes.

Kevin is like, come to my little state.

Yeah.

And Monique is living it up in South Dakota or whatever.

And Kevin's like, move to Rhode Island.

And she's like, why?

We've got two senators here.

And he's like, so do we.

Move here.

Can you imagine moving in with someone?

You've been dating someone.

You're going to make a life with someone.

You've never lived with them.

You move in and you move into his house and you discover forks in the spoon spot.

No, thanks.

That would be almost disqualifying.

Yeah.

That's why long-distance relationships just don't work.

They worked in my case.

But you knew the difference between a fork and a spoon.

I know.

But that doesn't mean that my wife, who's a whole human being in her own right, necessarily does.

Let me tell you something.

This summer, we're basically back to long distance

because she's up there in Maine with our son.

Our daughter's, I don't know where she is, somewhere in the world.

I'm down here in Brooklyn.

You know that I'm putting my forks away the way I want down here in Brooklyn.

I'm doing dishes the way I want, do everything the way I want by myself.

When I came back up to visit Maine when you were away, Joel,

I opened up the utensil drawer.

Let me tell you something.

It's a very simple system.

There are three slots.

There are three sections.

One is for spatulas or things that resemble spatulas.

One is for spoons or other scoops, and one is for tongs.

That's all.

Simple.

Paddles, tongs, scoops.

I open up that utensil drawer.

It's chaos in there.

Somehow there's a can opener in there.

Everything's all mixed up.

I go away for two weeks, and all of a sudden, the paddles are in the scoop trough.

But that's okay.

That's what happens.

People who live alone, as you are forced to do when you're dating long distance, they make up their own systems.

And boy, oh boy, is it a different world?

Let me tell you something, Monty and Joel.

When you move back into your apartment where you live most of the time with your family and a dumb cat and none of them are around,

And there is nothing in there except the empty sound of the humming air conditioner and you, it is very disorienting.

When there is no, I feel like I'm either in prison or a monastery, but it's more of a monastery because there is no one to judge me but God or whatever in this place.

I could be putting spoons in the fork thing all day long.

No one would ever know.

I took a three-hour nap in the middle of the day yesterday.

I could have gone on all day.

No one would know about my indolence.

I could wear clothes to bed.

I could do anything.

It's really weird when you've been living with someone.

And one thing I really began to appreciate, I could understand on a sort of

conceptual level how hard it was for single people throughout this pandemic, and especially during the hard lockdown period.

Because I can't go out and do anything now.

Because of our production COVID protocols.

Like, there's very little that's worth the risk of getting COVID and throwing the production off, you know?

So I'm stuck the way people were stuck and still are stuck if they're dealing with immunocompromised issues or whatever.

Just stuck alone.

It is hard to do.

No wonder you come up with weird new systems.

No wonder you become, like Kevin, a little twisted in the brain.

And if you're living alone before you start living your life with someone else and you start thinking, I've got a new system.

I'm going to put my small ice cream spoon in this little fork cutout.

But Kevin, you're not alone anymore.

You're not alone anymore.

You've got to put those forks in the fork thing.

Got to put the spoons in the spoon thing.

You are joining your life with someone else, and that means not only compromise, but scrutiny.

And meanwhile, this message is to my wife, who's a whole human being in her own right.

It scoops, tongs, paddles.

It's very simple.

Scoops, tongs, paddles from left to right.

You know what?

It's hard being by yourself, so do it whatever way you want.

I don't care.

When you're by yourself, do it whatever way you want.

It doesn't matter.

But when you're sharing a life with someone else, you got to conform to some basic rules.

And just, I think, Monty, your suggestion is very good.

Get a little jelly jar and put a bunch of small ice cream spoons in it, and you'll always know where to go for that ice cream spoon.

I'm starting to wonder if this is an allegory or some sort of euphemism from Monique and Cranston, because they're just moving in together, and maybe Kevin wants to fork when she just wants to spoon.

And they're getting conflated.

They're getting mixed up.

You got to read each other's signals a little bit better.

Jennifer Marmor.

Yes.

I think we're running long, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

But we're going to leave that in, right?

Are we?

We should really cut it, but we're going to leave it in.

Are we?

We're going to take a quick break

to hear from this week's partners.

When we come back, we'll be moving on to Vermont,

another state in New England with more cases to clear from the document of the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

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Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

This week,

I am clearing the docket with our friends from New England, summertime, fun time, bailiff Monty Belmonte of WRSI the River in Northampton, Massachusetts.

Hello, Monty.

Hello.

And of course, we have Joel the Main Man Man up there at WERU 89.9 FM in Orland, Maine.

Hello, Joel.

Bonjour, monsieur.

How are you going to get him back on the farm once he's been over to Paris?

Here's something from Kate in Vermont.

Vermont, named for the Green Mountains.

Voila.

Our friend Dana claims that the state of New York exports maple syrup to Vermont,

which Vermont supposedly then resells as Vermont syrup.

She insists this is true, even though she has no evidence to support her contention.

She even asserts that New York is doing Vermont a favor by helping it meet demand.

We want an injunction preventing Dana from making such blasphemous false claims, as well as damages for her wanton disregard for the purity and sanctity of the Vermont maple syrup supply.

Now, I know Kate.

She has been a regular guest on my occasional Instagram live/slash Twitch stream, Get Your Pets.

Her cat is named Moxie.

Her friend is named Dana.

Joel Mann, have you ever heard this?

I mean, Maine is the third biggest producer of maple syrup in the United States, after New York, according to my research.

But no,

so you have a dog in this hunt, but if you could set aside any conflict of interest, have you ever heard

of New York secretly supplying Vermont with maple syrup to meet demand?

Has that ever crossed your mind?

Or has that ever have you ever heard of that?

Never.

Never.

No.

Never, right?

Monty, what about you?

You ever hear that?

You ever hear that rumor?

I've never heard of that accusation, and I was so confounded by it as a claim that I looked looked it up at agriculture.vermont.gov and the most recent report I saw was from 2019.

And Vermont makes almost a million gallons more maple syrup than the state of New York.

So I can't imagine that they need help from New York and that it would be legal for them to label it this way.

Because what I have heard and I did not verify if this is true or not, is that if you are in Vermont and you call it maple syrup, it must actually be maple syrup, not like Mrs.

Butterworth or what have you.

It's

maple-flavored topping or what have you.

Right, but that doesn't mean that all maple syrup sold as Vermont maple syrup legally has to be made in Vermont.

It's not impossible that New York could be supplying Vermont with some excess maple syrup.

But could they call it Vermont maple syrup?

I know, but they could be lying is what I'm saying.

No way.

Let's take Joe Mann, for example.

Joe Mann just got back from Sans-serre in France.

When you have Sans-serre,

it is protected.

You can't call the wine that is not from Sans-Cerre.

Sin-serre wine.

Yes.

Right.

Sauvignon Blanc, my favorite, from there.

You've got to call it, if it's from Sancerre, you can't be from someplace else.

It's got to be from Saint-Cerre.

It's not from Brittany.

Vermont maple syrup is

from Vermont.

And they can sell New York maple syrup, but they couldn't call it Vermont maple syrup.

Yeah, but you're talking about France has

legal regulations over this.

Any bubbly wine that does not come from the Champagne region cannot be called Champagne.

Not legally.

That said,

there was a story once that

only whiskey that came from Kentucky, I think Bourbon County, Kentucky, could be called bourbon.

But that's not true.

There are tons of hipster New York distilleries making bourbon all the time.

We don't have that domain of origin protection.

here in the United States.

I don't know that there's a law about the labeling of maple syrup.

I just looked that up too.

Agriculture.vermont.gov.

One, no person shall label any maple syrup, maple product, maple flavored product, or artificial maple flavored product in any manner which is untruthful, unfair, or deceptive.

I would say that taking maple syrup from New York and labeling it Vermont maple syrup would break that law.

I saw that PDF too.

Where did it come from again?

It came from agriculture.vermont.gov.

Yeah, it comes from the state of Vermont.

You don't think that they have a stake in this?

You don't think that they've tapped a huge stake into this tree?

Here's the thing.

These things I know are true.

Vermont is the number one producer of maple syrup in the United States.

In 2018, they tapped close to 2 million gallons

of maple syrup.

New York comes after that, less than half of Vermont's output, 806,000 gallons in 2018.

Then comes Maine, 539,000 gallons.

All of them, all of them, Vermont, New York, Maine, completely overshadowed by Canada.

Vermont,

get over yourself.

Canada is making 12.5 million gallons.

12.5 million.

That's triple all of the United States.

That's 71% of the world's pure maple syrup.

But here's the thing.

Vermont, maple syrup, it's got its cachet.

I don't know if there's legal regulation.

I don't know because I've not done the research.

And you know who else hasn't done the research?

Dana.

I asked Kate, did Dana provide any evidence?

I checked back in with her.

Has Dana ever provided any evidence?

Dana said, I don't have the numbers at hand right now.

I'm not here to do your maple syrup homework, Dana.

I don't believe you're telling the truth.

But if you want to do the research and prove it, or if anyone out there wants to do the research and prove that there is a secret pipeline of maple syrup from New York to Vermont, I would love, I'd love to blow the lid off of that.

I'd love to put agriculture.vermont.gov in their place.

Because

obviously they're crooked.

Crooked as a maple tree branch.

There's more tappable trees in New York State than any other state.

Far more than Vermont.

So they should, by rights, be making more maple syrup.

The only explanation would be that it's less industrialized in New York.

But they could be pipelining into Vermont.

It could be happening.

I'd love to blow the lid off this bottle of maple syrup.

So come on, everybody.

If you're listening, go out there, get to work, and let me know what you hear.

Until then, I say Dana's wrong.

Here's something from Stephen in Winthrop, Maine.

My husband, Kenneth, prefers to drive whenever possible.

He places his GPS device down in the console beneath the shift where he has to look away from the road to see directions.

I guess it's probably his phone, right?

Phone with his maps on it.

I've offered to provide a stand for the dashboard or air vent so that he has his phone in front of him, but he says he's never had a dash-mounted device that stays put.

He also says a dash-mounted device clutters the console.

We drove home from dinner last night from the L.A.

region of Maine.

Where's that, Joel?

L.A.?

Lewiston-Auburn.

That's right.

I love L.A.

Yeah.

To our home.

I love it!

To our home in Winthrop, in the rain, in the dark.

I believe there's a firm line that overrides a person's taste when it comes to safety.

When Kenneth looks away from the road, especially in inclement weather, he crosses that line.

He won't budge for me, but I believe he would honor your the judge's decision if you order him to mount the GPS device on the dash.

Naturally, I too would honor a decision if things weren't to go my way, but they will go my way because I am right.

Hmm.

I'm going to say something here that's going to be a little controversial, Monty and Joel.

Uh-oh.

Sometimes when I'm navigating, particularly when I'm driving the Jeep around in Maine, I'll put the phone with the maps on it in the cup holder.

Because Kenneth isn't wrong.

Those air vent mounts for the phones, they'll just pop right off.

They'll pop off at any old time.

You go over a bump, you go over what you call a frost heave in Maine.

You ever hear of a frost heave, Joel?

Yes, I have.

Yeah.

Yep.

I can tell from your voice you don't like the sound.

You don't like to think about frost heaves.

No, no, no.

You bump over a frost heave, all of a sudden,

a frost heave, of course, is

an eruption

when the ground thaws.

I'm trying to explain.

I don't understand how it works.

It's just bad.

It's just a lump in the road.

You pop over that.

You're driving your Jeep.

You pop over that.

You got your phone

in a vent holder.

That vent holder pops off, your phone, and you don't have any doors on your Jeep.

Guess what?

Goodbye to your phone.

So I've done what Kenneth is doing.

But is it good?

What's the most irresponsible thing you've ever done in a car, Monty, while driving?

I hydroplaned a week after I got my license and smashed into a Jersey barrier and totaled the car.

Oh, no, really?

Well, you were a children.

It wasn't quite.

Yeah, I don't know if it would be quite irresponsible, but it was

not very good driving.

That's the closest call.

That's terrifying.

Yes, it was.

You ever hit a moose, Joel, up there in Maine?

I came really close,

like within inches.

Wow.

Yeah, coming home late at night, all the equipment behind me, and it was just

a good thing they just move so slow that you can usually miss them.

Did you maneuver out of its way or did you?

I just hit the brakes and tried to go straight.

And what did it do?

He just looked at me and moved on.

Yeah, these are, these are, I mean, I was just, when you said hydroplaning, Monty, I remember

one time it was a rainy day and we were out there in western Massachusetts and our children wanted to go to Mass Mocha,

the Incredible Art Museum in North Adams, Massachusetts.

And I don't ever want to deny my children art.

I'm like, the weather's pretty bad, though.

It's kind of, it's kind of rough when you drive over the mountain and back down into that other valley over there.

You got to drive through Florida, Massachusetts.

You know what I'm talking about, the top of the mountain there?

Delicious oranges there.

Yeah.

Well, we got up to Florida and at the top of the mountain, it was snowing.

We couldn't get through.

I'm like, this isn't safe.

We drove back down the mountain, and then I tapped the brakes just to slow down.

My brakes locked, and I spun out into a ditch.

It was terrifying.

Terrifying.

Now, I wasn't using my GPS at the time.

I knew the way.

But the thing is, Kenneth, you got to remember, you are driving a weapon of destruction when you drive that car.

And if you hit a moose or a jersey barrier,

it will change the course of your life

potentially catastrophically.

And when I look down into the couple of the Jeep to check my route on the GPS, I know that I'm doing something wrong.

And I'm going to tell you what, I'm never going to do it again.

You got to mount that phone.

You got to mount that phone.

I don't care if it looks cluttered on the dash, and particularly at night,

in the rain, you should be handing your phone to your husband, Stephen, and have him tell you where to go.

Work together.

But no, you got to give all your attention to the road.

All of your attention, put your eyes in front of you.

Any disagreement there, everybody?

I'd recommend getting a Bluetooth or an aux cable and then let the GPS person tell you exactly where you're supposed to go.

Then you don't have to look at all.

You can keep your eyes on the road and you just listen.

Jennifer Marmor raised her finger in agreement with that.

Correct, Jennifer?

Yes, absolutely.

Yeah, get an aux cable.

We just navigate by the stars.

You can't take your eyes off the road to look up at the stars either.

And what's this phone you're talking about?

Yeah, that's right.

That's why you keep your sunroof open even in the dead of winter so you can look up and check out where Polaris is.

Yeah.

Right.

Let's take a quick break.

When we come back, more New England disputes.

You know, we've been doing my brother, my brother, me for 15 years, and

maybe you stopped listening for a while, maybe you never listened, and you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years, I know where this has ended up.

But no,

no, you would be wrong.

We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing yeah you don't even really know how crypto works the only nfts i'm into are naughty funny things which is what we talk about on my brother my brother and me

we serve it up every monday for you if you're listening and if not we just leave it out back and goes rotten so check it out on maximum fun or wherever you get your podcasts

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined!

No, no, no, it's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Law.

I'm Caroline Roper.

And on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

I am here with Summertime Funtime Bailiff Monty Belmonty, as well as our main man in Maine, Joel Mann, of WRSI The River and WERU FM.

respectively.

WRSI The River, of course, is the radio station in Northampton, Massachusetts, where Monty hosts the morning show every weekday morning.

Is that correct, Monty?

That's correct.

And

you can probably listen to it on a website somewhere, right?

WRSI.something.com.

Shamelessly commercial.

And you can also,

if this is your preference, and I think it should be,

subscribe to a week of mornings with Monty Belmonty, where the best of Monty's morning shows are collected every week in one fun chunk.

That's one fun chunk of a podcast, Monty.

I like it a lot.

Thank you.

Gives me a chance to keep up with you, your fam, hear what's happening in the old Pioneer Valley there in Western Massachusetts.

And Joel, of course,

you're the program director up there at WERU Community Radio?

Yep, yep, that's me.

So you're the one who tells them to play all that hippie music?

Yeah.

No, it's one of the true, last true freeform stations, right?

The DJs pick whatever they want.

They do, regardless.

And

regardless of how many times you tell them to play Joe Bird and the Field Hippies, they'll play whatever they want.

Right.

Yeah.

I'll say I pick my own music too, by the way, though.

Yeah, no, no, of course.

Of course, of course.

And yours is, but WERU is a community-supported radio station.

It runs entirely on community donations, correct?

Yes, and volunteers.

And volunteers.

So if you want to go check out WERU,

they play some incredible Acadian music on

Sunday mornings.

Sunday 11-2-1.

What is the name of that show?

Acadia Highlands.

They should change it to Incredible Acadian Music on Sundays.

And among many other great programs, go to weru.org.org and support it if you can.

It's a great radio station.

Here's something from Sean in Marblehead, Massachusetts.

Here we are now in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, Marblehead.

How do you say it in Massachusetts?

Monthly.

Mobblehead.

Right.

My wife Kelly and I live in the scenic coastal town of

Mobblehead, Massachusetts, where the wind blows mightily off the ocean coast.

Kelly insists on sleeping with the windows open, even during the coldest February nights.

As a bald man, no amount of blankets can keep my head warm.

Kelly insists that I wear a winter hat to bed.

This blatant baldism must end.

Please let Kelly, my wife, know that if it is cold enough to wear a winter hat in our room, that maybe we should close the window at night.

Monty, I see you're laughing at this.

Does this resonate with you and your...

I mean, I'm looking at your wonderful clean-shaven head.

Yes.

The only time I've had to do that is when I have had the unfortunate experiences of camping and I had to wear a winter hat to bed.

But I am the one who usually wants the room very cold, and if I am too cold, I just pull the covers all the way up over my head and sleep totally under the covers.

In the winter, in the winter, now, obviously you're inland,

so it's warmer in the valley than it is in the town of, say it again, Mabelhead, which is on the coast.

You don't get those ocean winds.

Right.

In the winter, do you sleep with the with the windows open?

No.

I think it's irresponsible if you're heating your house to have the windows open at night unless you are totally shut the heat off and then do what you will.

But then your pipes are going to freeze.

Joel, what do you think about this?

Well, my significant other, Michelle, she does have her window open, but on my side of the bed, where my bald head lies, it's closed and I'm fine with it.

Like Monty says, I just pull the covers up over my head.

Jennifer, why are you laughing?

I could never.

I don't have a bald head, but the thought of sleeping with the cover all the way over over my head sounds terrible.

I like it.

Sometimes you just got to get away.

Okay.

To each their own.

Yeah.

I don't ever want to sleep with the covers over my head.

That reminds me too much of when I was a child and I was scared that I was going to be possessed by the devil.

Also, I sleep hot.

I understand where Kelly is coming from because I do sleep hot.

I very rarely will sleep with covers on, never mind, over my head.

But is it okay to sleep with the windows open

in Marblehead, Massachusetts?

I'll tell you what.

Earlier in the pandemic, when school was canceled for much of the winter of

2020 to 2021,

we went up there to spend almost a full winter in Maine.

And I loved it.

Winters in Maine have gotten a little mild, haven't they, Joel?

Yes, they have.

Like last winter was nothing.

Nothing.

Did you ever use that snowblower or no?

I got to use it twice.

Two times.

Yeah, yeah.

So it's really paying off.

The winter before that was a little bit colder because I know, because I would often open the window before going to bed and I would stick my head out the window

and peer into the utter darkness of the woods with the bay just beyond them

and listen to the silence and feel the bite of the wind on my cheeks.

And I would do that for a while and breathe deeply

and just breathe death into my lungs

and think about the end of all things and the utter darkness that awaits for us all.

And I found it to be so calming at this stage of my life, so meditative and wonderful.

And then I would go to bed, but I would close the window.

Of course I would close the window.

Of course I would close the window.

I mean, I get it.

But Kelly, this is what we're talking about.

If you were living by yourself in, what's the name of the town again?

Mobblehead.

Right.

If you were living by yourself in, go ahead.

Mobblehead.

Then you could do whatever you want.

You could put the ice cream spoons in the fork drawer.

You could put the spatulas where the scoops go.

You could sleep with the window open all day long.

You could become one of the great New England eccentrics, of which there are many, right, Joel?

Yes, at least a few of us.

That's right.

You could become Joel Mann.

But no, Joel shares his life with another human and an extremely small dachshund.

With a cup of A.

But if you wanted to, you could open that window alone and breathe in the dark abyss of New England winter all night long.

And you'd probably sleep better than you'd ever sleep in your life.

Certainly you'd sleep better than sharing a bed with Sean.

Because the fact is, we all die alone and we all sleep alone when it comes down to it.

Sorry, kids.

Sorry to be morbid.

We're in New England now.

This is what we think about.

But you choose not to be alone, don't you?

You choose to share your life there in...

Say it again, Monty.

Mobblehead.

Yeah, you choose to share your life there in.

Go ahead.

Mobblehead.

With Sean.

And while you're sharing that life with him,

you can't do whatever you want.

You can't do whatever you want.

And while wearing a hat at night,

I mean, people have been doing it since Scrooge times.

Certainly exists

as a thing.

If Sean's not comfortable in that hat, then I don't think you have the right to force him to wear that hat just because you want to waste your heating oil, especially these days.

Expensive to sleep with the window open in the wintertime.

Nightcaps are for before bed, not during sleep.

Close the window.

Can I make one more comment?

Please.

I mean, it is called Mobblehead, which to me

should be indicative of the fact that your gleaming bald head should be able to proudly shine

day and night.

Yeah.

So as a bald man myself.

Let his head shine in the moonlight like Mobble.

Mobble.

I tried my best.

A beacon in the dark.

That's right.

Did good.

Yeah.

If you cover up Sean's shining head, those ships are going to hit the rocks.

Exactly.

Sean's got a job to do, and that's to reflect the moonlight for schools.

The docket is clear.

That's it for another episode of Judge John Hodgman.

Our producer is Jennifer Marmor.

Our editor is Valerie Moffat.

Jennifer, Monty, Joel, Valerie, listening in the edit.

Thank you so much for joining us.

Once again, you can listen to Monty at WRSITRIVER.

Monty, do you have anything coming up in Northampton that you want people to know about?

At the Shea Theater

or whatever else you might be up to?

Yeah, you can check out all of our listings at ShayTheater.org.

It's a nonprofit community theater that I'm on the board of, and there's all sorts of fun stuff happening, including Whiskey Treaty Road Show is coming up.

But soon.

Wait, what?

What Road Show?

It's a local band from Western Mass called Whiskey Treaty Road Show.

They're playing in September.

Right.

Yep.

And hopefully the return of Judge John Hodgman sometime this winter.

Yes, please.

And I will be kicking off the 14th March for the Food Bank that I do for Western Mass by going to the White House Conference on Food, Nutrition, Health, and Hunger that the White House is putting on and that Congressman Jim McGovern, our congressman from the 2nd Congressional District, has been pushing for for a long time.

So be listening for that broadcast sometime this month.

Fantastic.

And Joel Mann, thank you so much for joining us up there in Orland, Maine at WERU, the Solar Powered Studios of WERU.org, 889.9 FM on your radio dial.

What's going on up there?

I hope to get up there and see you sometime soon.

It's September now.

Are you still playing jazz on the porch of the Pentagoa Inn or no?

Yep, we're at the Pentagoa Inn every Tuesday, 5 to 8, and we're down at the Homeport

Inn in Searsport every Sunday, 5 to 8.

This is the Night and Day Trio.

Yeah, the Night and Day trio.

You play bass.

Yep.

Mr.

plays reeds.

Yes, yes.

He's retired now.

He's retired from teaching, but not from your jazz trio, I trust.

No, no, no.

He's still 100%

doing the music.

And then Chris on guitar and vocals, and we're just having a great time.

Hope you can come see us.

You'll be playing the Pentagon through the month until October, would you say, or what?

Yeah, up until Columbus Day, and then we'll see what happens.

Usually everybody disappears by then, but we'll see.

We'll see what happens.

Stay safe up there.

I hope to come and see you, see you

lay down some jazz tunes soon.

Well, great to talk to everybody.

Until then, thank you very much.

We'll be back next week for another episode of the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

We will talk to you then.

Goodbye.

Open the window, Monty.

I want to feel the cold air of death.

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