David Rees is Like the Wind

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

I'm your judge, John Hodgman, taking the bailiff seat for a moment for a very special episode of our podcast.

Because don't worry, everybody, Jesse Thorne is absolutely fine.

But we have a very special guest bailiff/slash guest judge all-position player here to help celebrate the reveal of the secret project that I've been working on with my good friend David Reese.

Hey, it's my good friend David Reese.

Hello, David.

Hi, John.

How are you, old friend?

I'm doing very well.

You look very comfortable.

I'm so excited that I'm the judge now, and this is my podcast now.

So many fun changes coming to the Judge David Reese podcast.

That's right.

That's the secret project is I'm giving up the podcast.

I'm giving it to David Reese.

Thank you.

I'm laying down my gavel.

And this is the passing.

No, it's not true.

By now, you probably all know that the secret project that we've been working on for a year is, oh, hang on a second, content warning.

I'm about to say

dirty words.

Yeah, I'm about to say kind of a dirty word, and I'm sorry about it.

I can say it so it doesn't mess up your brand.

No, it's fine.

I can say the name of the thing that we made, though I admit it makes me uncomfortable every time, and I regret that I suggested it, and it's my fault.

But this episode of the Judge John Hodgman podcast contains the dirty word that is contained within the title of the project.

And just so you know, we're going to be discussing a popular medication and recreational drug that is available in certain states legally now, but not others.

So we are going to be talking about drugs.

So kids, if you're listening, remember that adults are not to be trusted.

All adults are hypocrites.

Yeah, we will always let you down, kids.

This is nothing to do with drugs.

It's just something you probably need to know.

Seek inside for what gives you the most internal happiness and chase that in your life.

And do not be concerned about pleasing your mom, your dad, your guardian, or anyone else in your life.

Whoa.

And, you know, you don't believe that, right?

That's not how you lived your life.

Didn't you try to please your I've lived my life trying to please everyone in the world and

except myself and it it did not work out and for a long time and then I changed my mind also another thing kids hey kids

I never did a drug until I was 21 years old and I don't regret it.

Never did a single drug until I was 21 years old.

I think that might be about the same for me.

Kids, listen, one of these cases is about a drug.

This is not me saying go do a drug.

I'm saying your brains are at their best right now, believe me, because I'm trying to figure out how to make a sentence as I speak.

I can't do it.

Your brains are at your best right now.

Don't limit them.

Kids.

What if Nancy Reagan's catchphrase,

you know how her catchphrase was just say no to drugs?

What if it had just been, just say no to a drug?

Just say no to a drug.

Pick one and say no to it.

Just pick one.

Jennifer Marmer, you're the producer of this podcast.

Has an hour elapsed already?

Yeah.

Yeah, it has.

Okay.

Yeah.

The show is over now.

Show is over?

No.

Show is just beginning.

All right, let's do this.

Here is the announcement.

The secret project is, we'll say it together on three.

One, two, three.

Dicktown.

Dicktown is the animated show that David and I created last year, or now almost two years ago.

Season one, of course, is available on Hulu.

It is a short-form animated comedy in which I play John Hunchman, a former famous boy detective who is now an older man, who in season one is still embarrassingly solving mysteries exclusively for teenagers.

And David Reese plays David Purfoy.

How would you describe David Purfoy, David?

Just like one of the great characters in American animation?

Yeah, absolutely.

Right up there with Snoopy and the Shmoo.

You know, a lot of fun, good company, surprising depth,

and certain subtleties and the characterization in its dialogue and performance that I think are safe to say unparalleled in the history of human civilization.

Now, all of that is absolutely true, David Reese.

Uh-huh.

There is depth of character to David Purfoy, and he is very well performed by you.

But he is also my character's former high school bully and arch nemesis, who now is an adult and is my hired driver and muscle and unlikely friend.

True.

Bit.ly slash DickTown.

I've been telling you about it for a long time, everybody.

And for a long time, we didn't ever know if there would be a season two.

And then we were told there will be.

And now it's coming out.

It's coming out Thursday, 3-3-22.

That's March the 3rd, 22, which could be tomorrow or even today.

If you are a relatively timely podcast downloader, you can watch it live, two episodes, going up Thursday on FXX at 10 p.m.

And then the next day, they'll be available on Hulu, and it's going to go that way for the entire month of March.

Dicktown on FXX, 10 p.m.

Thursdays, followed by streaming on Hulu the next day.

We've got some incredible guest stars, some incredible storylines.

We'll talk to you about them a little later on.

But meanwhile, we do have, aside from advice to the kids, and content warning, an actual podcast to offer you, some actual justice that must be done.

Let's do it.

David, we're clearing the docket today.

Right.

This means that people have sent in their petitions for justice directly to my email box and probably have also corrected me on some bit of

Great Lake geography that I got wrong.

Yeah.

And they are now seeking justice.

This first case comes from Waldron in Portland, Maine.

Now, Waldron has written in before because Waldron's daughter disagreed with a ruling that I had made in the past.

And she sent sent me an excoriating voice memo pronouncing that I was not Judge John Hodgman, but instead Judge Wong Hodgman, which was an incredible burn that I have not.

She's kind of a zinger right there.

I know.

And I don't remember what she was.

Sorry.

Sorry, Leela.

I don't remember what I got wrong.

I tend to move on from the things that I got wrong, and I also forget the things I do right.

But this is a case about memory.

Judge Wrong Hodgman, please resolve a new dispute between myself and my 11-year-old daughter, Leela.

In a discussion with Leela some months ago, I made the offhand comment, well, you won't even remember this in a few weeks.

Since then, Leela has reminded me every so often that she has not forgotten that discussion, that I was wrong, and so she wins.

But neither of us can remember what the discussion was about.

We've both forgotten what I said she would forget.

Please rule that Leela does not actually remember the discussion.

I'm very glad you're you're here for this, David Reese, because I know that you majored in philosophy, and this seems like a logical paradox.

I don't think it's a logical paradox at all.

I think it's clear that the dad is correct.

Leela doesn't remember the discussion because the topic of the discussion that she was challenged to remember and which she obviously does not remember, the topic of that discussion was not whether she would remember that discussion.

Right?

The thing she remembers is a provocation the dad said, and she remembers that provocation, namely, you will not remember this discussion.

But

that's like an airless, self-referential recall of a statement about its own recollection.

That's not what the discussion was about.

Unless their discussion was actually about the nature of remembering discussions and having said discussions flagged by challenges to remember those discussions, which are then forgotten or remembered.

Not to be all tautological on you.

Oh, here we go.

Oh, let's talk about speech act theory.

But couldn't you make the argument that Leela remembers the part of the discussion that was about not remembering the discussion?

Oh, absolutely.

But that itself is not the discussion.

Well, you won't even remember this in a few weeks.

Since then, Leela has reminded me every so often that she has not forgotten that discussion.

But, yeah, again, I mean, okay, she has not forgotten the part of the discussion where her dad announced that she would forget the discussion.

Right.

But if she can't remember the rest of the discussion, like, she's forgotten the discussion.

you know?

So has the dad.

Yeah, the discussion is gone.

It's sort of like how I feel.

Like, I remember that Leela burned me, but I don't remember what it was about because it is

for me to recall.

So you would not correctly say, I remember her criticism of me because you don't remember the criticism.

You remember this sort of appendage to the criticism, which was the incredible zinger when she called you Judge Rong Hodgman.

Yeah, I will never forget that.

Of course.

It's going to haunt you to your grave.

But when it comes to what she was actually...

You know, it's going to be on my grave.

It's not even going to be my name on my grave.

I like that, yeah.

Here lies Judge Wrong Hodgman,

a liar in death and a liar in life.

There you go.

Yeah.

You know, David, before you pass judgment on Leela and save it.

I was going to say before you pass away.

Sorry.

Yes.

Before you pass away.

I do think before you pass away, you should hear this piece of audio because this is Leela pronouncing me wrong.

I might as well remember what it was that I was wrong about because I do have an audio document of it.

I want you to listen to Leela as she pronounces me Judge Wrong Hodgman.

This is, I don't want to tamper with your judgment, but I just want you to know what's coming for you if you end up making a final judgment against Leela in this situation.

You ready to hear this?

Oh, I see.

You're trying to get me scared of this kid.

Okay.

Yeah, all right.

Hang on.

Stand by.

See what you think.

All right.

Judge John Hodgman.

My name is Leela and I'm from Maine.

I am 11 years old.

My dad and I were listening to episode 510 about it being alright to name a child June even though they are expected in June.

Well, my brother's name is August.

He constantly gets the question:

Are you named August because you are born in August?

He's born in December.

I think you made the wrong decision.

That's why from now on, I will call you Judge Wrong Hodgman.

I forgot about the laugh at the end.

That's it, huh?

Yeah.

That laugh at the end truly made me think that Leela is not an 11-year-old from Portland, Maine, but an 11-year-old ghost from Portland, Maine.

Or like, that's a supervillain.

That's like a bad guy in the James Bond movie laughs after they've zinged James Bond.

You understand what the dispute was.

It was, it was, I said it was okay to name a child the name of a month when they weren't born in that month.

And now her brother August is getting harassed every day because he was born in December.

December right but is she saying that what you should have said is it's not okay to name a child after a month if they were born that month unless they were born in that month oh unless they were born in that month okay right i see i probably got that wrong too but i have to say i mean i you know i hate to pick on lila but because she is a supervillain i feel like it's justified oh no your ruling has no bearing on the questions that her brother gets about whether or not he was born in August.

He's going to get those questions regardless.

I don't want to take it to Leela any further.

This is all going to come back on me.

After this, you're going to just...

Yeah, see, I didn't give Leela my phone number or however she's leaving you voicemail messages.

I'm like the wind, Lila.

You can't catch me.

I'll slip through your fingers.

But I think that because of that, you are free to make judgment without fear of reprisal.

I have to let your judgment stand.

I do think, Leela, it's your judge wrong Hodgman talking to you now.

But I think I'm right, and I think David is too.

If you don't remember the core of the discussion, you can't say that you remembered the discussion.

And I understand why you remember the insult that your father gave you.

You won't remember what this is about in two weeks.

That is a challenge and an insult to your mental capacity.

And I'm glad you held on to that.

Just like I remember you calling me wrong, it's the things that hurt us that we remember.

It's a sad thing.

You don't remember putting your hand on a cold stove.

You remember putting your hand on a hot stove.

We remember those wounds.

You know, I said to Ms.

Kirsch, my seventh-grade French teacher,

why do we have to have tests?

I'm just learning this.

I know it.

Why do we have to have tests?

They make me anxious.

Ms.

Kirsch said, that's why we do it.

Studies have shown that the pain of taking a test facilitates knowledge retention.

Is that true?

That sounds.

Look, that's what she said to me.

I thought stress was famously bad for your memory.

But, you know, you remember the bad things that happened to you, the embarrassing things, the humiliating things.

Yes, yes, I do.

You know,

the work of repetition and studying for a test is important, but also the pain of the test is important.

And I mean, I don't remember a lot of French, but I remember that conversation with Ms.

Kirsch because it hurt.

I thought I was so smart, but she judged Rong Hodgman me before Lila was even born.

So.

I don't know if you want to put this in, but it's interesting that you're talking about this remembering stress and trauma from your past because that's, I have to say, that is one of the themes of this second season of Dick Town that I'm here to help promote.

That's a running theme throughout the whole season is trusting your own memory about painful things that happened to you in your youth.

And in this season, Detective John Hunchman and partner and friend David Purefoy are haunted and indeed hunted by a person that they hurt in the past.

That's true.

That's true.

However, inadvertently.

So, Leela, even though you're wrong, I have these two words of advice for you.

And one is a mission.

Take this painful wrongness

and use it to redouble your efforts, because I bet you can remember what that conversation was about.

You can be a detective.

Go through what happened that day.

Reconstruct the day as best you can.

Soon enough, you will remember.

And the pleasure of it will be that your father, Waldron, won't remember anyway.

You can get him.

Go get him, Leela.

And number two is, Leela, you're 11 years old, at least when we started this podcast.

Now you're probably 13.

So it is fine for you to go watch Dick Town, but a content warning, Dick Town has some strong language and adult themes,

mostly adult themes like fear of declining relevancy.

And even though I'm an adult, I don't know when I'm a grown-up.

That sort of stuff.

All right, we're now going to take a quick break.

We're going to hear from this week's partners.

We'll be back with more cases to clear from the docket here on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

When we come back, it will be I, Judge John Hodgman, and now David shall be guest bailiff, David Reese.

Stay tuned.

Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman.

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Let them know Jesse and John sent you.

Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

This week, we're clearing the docket.

David, would you do me the favor of reading a couple of these wonderful letters from our wonderful listeners to me?

Here we go.

Are you ready?

Here's your first case.

All right.

And you, of course, will weigh in.

Oh, yeah.

If I have something to say,

I'll say it.

Yeah.

So this one is from Jim in Stroudsburg, Pennsylvania.

My wife of 20 years, Jessica, appreciates a head rub at the end of the night to relax and settle down for a good night's rest.

I'm always happy to oblige, but I often fall asleep just a few minutes into it.

We both have demanding jobs and a couple of teenagers, so we look forward to getting in bed after a long day.

Jessica gets very upset that I don't, quote, finish the job most nights.

I don't want to leave my wife hanging, but shouldn't I be able to go to sleep when I'm ready?

Oh, man.

I'm staying away from this one.

I'm not weighing in on this.

Judge, take it away.

Why aren't you weighing in on this?

No, no, no, no.

This is the kind of thing where you like, I need to maintain a distance of 20 feet from this.

Because you have a strong opinion?

The prose is lovely.

The phrase, we both look forward to getting in bed after a long day.

I love that.

But I feel like the wrong answer here is going to...

I'm going to stay away from this.

Jennifer Marmor.

Yeah.

You ever make your husband give you a head massage before going to bed?

No.

Sometimes I'll ask for a back tickle.

Right.

What?

You mean like a back scratch?

But like not scratchy, soft.

Oh, no.

That would, it doesn't make you shiver and shudder.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's great.

Oh, all right.

Oh, it's like an ASMR sort of thing.

Maybe.

Maybe it is.

It triggers

some nerve endings.

Maybe.

Right.

And do you ask of this, ask this of him every night?

No, I don't.

Seems a little unreasonable to ask for that every night.

Yeah, he was more...

I felt less bothered asking for it when I was pregnant, but otherwise,

I don't ask much because it feels like a lot.

Wait, I'm sorry.

Can I ask a technical question?

Yeah, of course.

What does he mean by what?

This is going to sound...

This might be a really basic question, but like, what is a head rub?

Is it...

Well, like a scalp massage.

That's what I pictured.

Okay.

I would think that you would get in, and I bet it feels really good.

You get in, you know, your fingertips and you just sort of.

Okay, got it.

It's a massage.

It's not rubbing it like smooshing your hair around in a circle.

No.

Look at your funny hair.

Okay.

It's not a circle.

Right?

I know.

Our routine when I go to bed is I ask my wife, who is a whole human being in her own right, to blow up a balloon and rub it on my hair so that I have really staticky hair.

Yeah.

And it has to be for 15 minutes full.

Like I got to get all the way.

Otherwise, she's not finishing the job.

And then she sticks the balloon to the headboard because of the static electricity.

And this is why I need it for the full 15 because then the balloon will drop on my head precisely at 7 a.m.

That wakes me up.

That's your alarm system.

Yeah, that works great for me.

And

when she doesn't do this time-consuming weird task, when she doesn't finish the job, in the words of Jim.

When she doesn't do this time-consuming weird task every night, as per my instructions, that serves only my pleasures and desires,

Well, then I have the right to get angry and call her out on a podcast.

I think that seems fair.

Whoa, I can tell who you're siding with, I think.

Yeah, I got to go with Jim on this one.

Wow.

Right, Jennifer Marmor?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Wait a minute.

Let me defend the underdog.

Okay.

All right.

I'll hear your appeal.

They've been married for 20 years, so technically either of them can ask anything of the other, and they just have to comply.

Okay?

That's rule number one.

That's the 20-year rule.

Second of all, they both have demanding jobs and a couple of teenagers.

I'm going to assume, and this is unfair on my part, but I'm going to assume that the burden of maintaining the house and having these teenagers, maybe one of the two spouses does a little more work in the home than the other.

The weight of the world hangs a little more heavily on this spouse's shoulders.

I'm assuming, I understand this is very dangerous assumption.

David, we've been doing this podcast for 12 years, dealing with a lot of...

heterosexual married couples.

We have a lot of data points.

So you see where I'm heading.

You see where I'm heading with this, right?

I think would align with the scatter graph that you're making.

Right.

Okay.

I'm just being very

circumspect with my language in case I'm getting the dynamics of this particular situation.

I'm saying Jessica

deserves a head rub.

I'm saying that Jessica deserves a head rub.

I mean,

you know what it is, maybe?

Maybe they're going to bed too late because...

Look what he says.

I often fall asleep just a few minutes into rubbing her head.

Like, you can't stick it out for five minutes.

Five minutes is a long time.

I guess it is, actually.

Time never moves more slowly than

when your partner asks you to rub their back or do something.

It's like, oh my God, I've been doing this for 12 seconds.

My fingers are in agony.

They're just getting settled in, and you're looking at the clock.

It's like, I got five more minutes of this.

That's why I stopped asking for back rubs a long time ago.

Yeah, that's because I couldn't handle the aggrieved sighing and sounds of frustration.

Same, John.

Right?

Ugh.

So

maybe I can propose a technological solution here.

I'm so happy you're going to this place.

Go.

Jessica, can you get one of those, I love these things, those scalp massager things that look like egg beaters?

Right.

And you deploy them slowly pressing down on your head and all these little delicate wires like caress your scalp.

I mean, maybe that, I know it's not the same as having your husband of 20 years.

half-heartedly rub your scalp before falling asleep after two minutes, but it does, I think, you know, literally scratch some of the same itches, right?

Like, it does provide some of the same pleasures.

And the best of all, then you're in control.

You can have one in the middle of the day.

You know, you can do it as long as your own hand doesn't fall asleep.

I mean, I'm sure you know about these things, but I really do love them.

So I just want to recommend them.

The fact is that a head rub or a massage or a foot rub or a back scratch, anything that might be shared with a partner, there is a kindness and there is an intimacy to it that is not going to be matched by an egg beater-like device that you get from the Sharper Image catalog that you shove down onto your head.

I appreciate that.

And I encourage Jim to occasionally give, offer, without even being asked, offer Jessica a true good head rub.

But me, like once a week is, I think, very kind.

Twice a week would be incredibly kind.

But if Jessica,

we are adults, we need to take care of ourselves in certain areas.

If you need to have that head rubbed every night, you can get a device.

And I'm going to say,

David and Jennifer, like, yeah, you can get a scalp massager for very little money.

One of those wire things.

They work really well.

But why would you do that

when you could spend $200?

on a, and I'll go ahead and buzz market this, a Brio iDream 3.

Whoa, what is this thing?

It is is a full head massaging helmet device with goggles whoa

this is something i would want so much if i were a kid find relaxation and relief through precise node technology i don't know if you're on this website but just look at this woman just chilling out on this incredibly it's cool because it looks like she's doing vr right with the most relaxing vr look at this guy sitting on the floor in his bare feet with this thing just chilling

It's a total...

Wow.

I know that guy.

Oh, there's room for somebody's ponytail.

Wow.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

It's ponytail safe.

And apparently you can touch a remote control to your chin as well.

I'm not sure what that has to do with anything.

That's how it works.

You have to hold it to the chin.

Yeah.

Look into it.

I'm just going to say, you know, if you've got an anniversary coming up, Jim.

or a special event in Jessica's life, this thing's on sale.

I don't mind buzz marketing it.

How did you hear about this?

I used the internet.

I figured there had to be something.

I didn't imagine that it would be so glorious and Tron-like.

Well, Judge, it happens that the 21st anniversary is the iDream 3 anniversary.

The Tron anniversary.

Whoa.

Most portable massagers are bulky and loud.

We've committed to revolutionizing this so that users aren't limited by time and place.

Yeah.

Ooh.

Yeah.

Maybe get one of these.

John, I have a new case in the docket.

It's from Gabrielle in Cambridge, Massachusetts, where I used to live.

My beloved fiancé Harrison is the proud owner of a.

Oh,

no.

I think you're going to be excited about this one, David.

My beloved fiancé Harrison is the proud owner of a full-size Miss Pac-Man arcade cabinet that he's had for longer than I've known him.

The game is big.

Our apartment is not.

I wouldn't mind this so much if it wasn't for one thing.

I wouldn't mind this so much if it wasn't for one thing.

The machine emits a high-pitched whining noise whenever it is turned on.

The noise is so unpleasant that it is impossible to enjoy the game.

In the over four years I've known Harrison, I've only ever seen it used a handful of times.

I've suggested he fix it on numerous occasions, and he assures me all it needs is a new speaker.

Yet here we are.

If you were to rule in my favor, I would request that you order him to fix it within a three-month period or we remove it from the apartment.

She said the noises of, oh,

yeah, now

aside from being the co-creator and co-star of Dick Town with me,

the premiering season two premiering Thursday, March 3rd, 10 p.m.

FXX, followed on Hulu the next day.

You are also, David, the host of an incredible podcast called Election Profit Makers, co-host with Skyline enthusiast John Kimball, on which you speak often of your enthusiasm for making weird noises with guitar pedals, right?

Correct.

Bleeps and bloops, circuit-bent keyboards, guitar pedals, hacked tape recorders, homemade cassette tape loops, DIY synths, all that stuff.

I think you're going to be very, since you are an appreciator of the beauty in

noise particularly noise made by electronic means yeah i want to hear this high-pitched whine but first we got to describe what we're seeing here in these photos these photos will be available on the judge john hodgman page at maximumfun.org as well as on our instagram at judge john hodgman this ms pac-man

it is shoved into a corner behind the sofa like you know harrison was like well it won't take up much space if it's behind the sofa it's like you have to move the sofa four feet out to make room for this thing the sofa's probably two inches from the TV now.

Yeah, the Minsk Pac-Man console is shoved into a corner, as close into the corner as it can get, and then the sofa is backed up right along its side.

So in order to play it, you got to go around the sofa or hop over it and play it in this little alley that's formed between the wall and the sofa.

And I can imagine, unless you are a southpaw, if you're right-handed, you're...

and you're operating that joystick, you are hitting your elbow in the flobbered, yeah, totally.

Yeah, that's not an optimal way to play.

Have you ever ever wanted to have a full-size arcade game or pinball game in your house, or have you ever had one?

No, I don't think ever since I was a because, you know, when I was a kid, I would watch Silver Spoons, and they had multiple games in their living room because

his dad was like a billionaire inventor, I think.

He was a toy inventor.

Toy Inventor.

But I think ever since as, you know, I was never really like.

No, I'd rather use that space for other stuff.

I'm not into arcade games and pinball machines enough to warrant that.

Our friend

Chris McCulloch, aka Jackson Public, the creator or co-creator of Venture Brothers, another popular cartoon, used to have a

Star Trek the Next Generation pinball game in his apartment.

Whoa, really?

Yeah.

They are kind of noisy.

Like, they really are.

That's bold.

I have to say, that's bold.

Anyone who does that.

He's boldly going.

Yeah.

Right?

Yeah, that's the catchphrase of the TV show.

That's the famous catchphrase of the Star Trek shows.

I really envied him because that is one that I would allow in my house because it is the best arcade game.

It is the best pinball game, I will say that.

Really?

Star Trek the Next Generation?

I never played it.

The one I used to play was the one where they always say, Ride the Ferris Wheel.

What game was that?

No, it's like

Ride the Ferris Wheel.

I'm sure one of your listeners will know what I'm doing.

It was like...

Oh, you know, it's like a Coney Island amusement park-themed game.

Right.

You remember this one?

Welcome to my house.

No.

That's another one.

That was a scary one.

I like that.

That's good.

All right.

Before we, speaking of the sounds, we're going to listen to these sounds, but give me your feel about how this Ms.

Pac-Man is fitting into the game.

Oh, this game has got to be long.

This game has got to leave.

This game has got to go.

Really?

Yeah, this is completely inappropriate, I think.

Just in terms of decor, or it's time, do you feel like it's not?

Just everything, man.

Just the way they have it.

Shoved behind the sofa here.

It looks like a dog that's hiding because it knows that it's done something wrong.

It's a dog or a dog that's hiding because it's sick.

Yeah, or because it's making a whining electronic noise that nobody likes and it feels ashamed.

Jennifer Marmert, did you ever have a pinball machine that you were particularly fond of that you would have in your house or an arcade game?

If I had the Simpsons arcade game in my house,

that would be great.

All right.

What anniversary are you and Shane coming up on?

Six.

Isn't that the Simpsons anniversary?

It is, and I have been dropping hints.

Okay, there we go.

Maybe I'll talk to Jesse.

Maybe there's something that you can shove into your apartment.

This is, I mean, this is why God invented storage facilities.

That's where this machine belongs.

So you're saying that this should be saved as a keepsake, but they do not have the room for it now.

Yeah, sure.

You know, someday, you know, if they have a big mansion or a country estate or if he opens a Miss Pac-Man museum.

A museum, sure.

Right?

A museum of Miss Pac-Manology.

He opens the Museum of Broken Whining Video Games.

It's like a huge sound installation.

That might work.

All right.

So not only is it shoved into the apartment, but it emits sounds.

Jennifer Marmor, would you please share?

We have two samples.

One is what the game sounds like in the midst of play.

Oh,

and then we have one where there is no game being played and it's just sitting there at rest.

At rest, emitting this sound.

All right.

Let me turn up my earbuds all the way.

Yeah, you're going to rock out to this.

Wow.

Harsh noise wall there at the end is very Mersbau.

Yeah.

I know, but when you had the

famous noise musician, right?

Mersbau.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

When you had the, when you had Ms.

Pac-Man doing the chomps, you kind of didn't notice it.

It's kind of like, do you say tinnitus or tinnitus?

Anyone know?

Well, I definitely have it, and I say tinnitus, but I think it's tinnitus.

Whatever it is, I have it, and you only notice it when it's quiet.

Right.

Yep.

Hey, everybody, I'm a judge, not a doctor.

But here is a lifestyle hint for you.

Whether you call it tinnitus or tinnitus, one way to distract yourself from having it is going through life.

making sounds like Ms.

Pac-Man.

See, I don't even notice it at at all.

That's incredible.

It's a huge relief.

All right, let's hear what it sounds like at rest.

Oh, boy.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

This sleep is 16 seconds long.

Let's do it.

Let's do it.

Let's do it.

Let's try it.

Let's really do it.

Let's really try it.

Hey, this is a good time for you folks at home to press your forward 15 button on your podcast app.

Absolutely.

Because we are going to play this thing for 16 seconds.

This is called a sound bath.

This can heal you.

So everyone who's brave, don't fast forward.

Let's do this together.

I'm right alongside you.

content warning this sounds awful and i might

it might cause you to uh go into another dimension let's go i'm gonna count i'm gonna count down for the listener yeah that's smart yeah and when i hit when i say one

you hit that skip 15 three two one

That's awesome.

Because it's not constant.

There was an undulating tone that was riding over that bass, you know, that under...

That was really...

Yeah.

They should move that Miss Pac-Man machine in front of the couch.

That should replace the TV.

You now changed your mind completely about that.

I don't know why they're hiding that light under a bushel.

What do you think you could do with this if you had this in your house, David?

Should I order them to give it to you?

Yeah, yeah, please do that.

We would need to hear more than 16 seconds.

We're only getting the briefest tease of what this, I mean, if it changes.

You know, the nice thing about like, you know, there's a genre of experimental music, it's called harsh noise wall.

And a lot of times it is just like, it's almost like abrasive white noise.

It is a completely unchanging, impenetrable wall of abrasive sound, right?

But, you know, like a lot of music, if you're unfamiliar with it, it takes a while to clue into its logic and to hear the subtleties and stuff.

And there's some harsh noise artists like Mersbau's, the most famous.

And if you listen to a lot of Mersbau's compositions or improvisations, you will start to tune into just like a lot of stuff is going on.

It's like abstract expressionism.

If you take your time and really sit with the painting, you'll start to see a lot of different elements in it.

And there was the hint of that even in that 16 seconds of the Miss Pac-Man machine.

You could hear different things going on.

It was not completely static, just like a 60-cycle hum or something that never changes.

It had some interesting stuff going on.

So I think what I would do if I was them, if I was here, and they're in Cambridge, Massachusetts.

There's so many experimental music venues in New England and in Boston and even in Cambridge.

Like I remember going to a show where a guy was playing old records using a, you know, what was he doing?

He was doing that three-to-one contact thing where you replace the record needles with just cactus spikes or cactus tines to play the record.

Tines, yeah.

So they're all scratchy and horrible sounding like this guy Harrison could show up

he could say I have a new electronic music duo you know like that there's an electronic music duo called pedestrian deposit it's a man and a woman and they and they're like super intense the guy plays synths and she plays like huge pieces of metal and like violins that she's made out of antlers and branches and it's like super abrasive and it's like really intense this guy harrison could show up and say i'm the i have a new power duo here it's me and my partner in crime miss Pac-Man.

I trust you've heard of her.

Yeah, well, she's into noise now.

And he could mic it.

He could run the pedals and she can make the sounds.

You would mic it and then run those sounds through pedals and create new sounds and new loops and stuff.

Well, if it's a problem with the speaker, you wouldn't want to, I mean, what I would do, the thing I usually do is you just, you wire in a quarter-inch jack

so that you, like, if it's an old toy, like a children's toy, those usually have crummy little speakers built into them that are really tinny.

And a lot of times, because I want to get this thing running into a bunch of guitar pedals as soon as possible, I'll remove the speaker and just have the audio outs run directly into a quarter-inch jack like you find in a guitar.

Install a quarter-inch jack so you can run in a guitar cable and run it through the pedals and then out into your amplifier.

But if the Miss Pac-Man, if those sounds are a result of the speaker, I don't think they're a result of a faulty speaker because they sound electronic.

So I think he could run a direct line out, quarter-inch jack line out into a bunch of pedals and just go nuts.

Yeah.

David, could I put you in touch with Harrison?

Like, what I'm thinking is you could do some troubleshooting with him, figure out the best way to make music out of this thing.

Just consult a one-time consultation.

One-time consultation, I'm open to that.

But I do want to say, I don't know enough, certainly about video games.

I don't know enough to quote-unquote troubleshoot.

I could not help him get rid of that sound.

I mean to say, enhance the sound such that it can become more than just...

the one drone, but he could actually make

however horrific sounding it is, music music with it so that he can cut an EP that we can release under the Judge John Hodgman label.

Do you have a noise label?

Yeah, it's long established.

I love it.

Judge John Hodgman noise label.

I'm serious, Harrison.

If you can keep this thing for another three months, if you,

after one complimentary consultation from David Rees, I'll compensate you somehow, David.

I'll send you some pears or something.

Oh, boy, some fruit pears.

Yeah.

That's good pears.

That's good pears.

And David will consult with you.

You have three months from this airing to

record.

What's the length of an EP, would you say?

Well, I mean, honestly, traditionally in noise music,

if we're really going to do this, it should probably be a cassette-only release.

Okay.

Cassette-only release.

A cassette's worth, at least one size of a cassette's worth.

It doesn't have to be a 90-minute cassette.

It'll be a short size.

We'll do like a 12 or 15-minute cassette.

Yeah.

Okay.

12 or 15-minute cassette that'll be available exclusively from Judge John Hodgman Noise Works.

Yeah.

And then I'm afraid you're going to have to put this thing up on

eBay because I think that it served its purpose in your life.

It is one more mission for you, Harrison.

Right.

But it is no, I do not think that it fits physically in your life, nor does it fit emotionally in your

Gabrielle's life.

And if you have not yet fixed this speaker, you probably aren't going to and indeed the broken speaker or whatever is causing this noise let that be the feature not the bug oh do you see exactly yeah make a cassette and miss pac-man and you shall live forever

let's take a quick break when we come back a dispute about a wedding gift here it comes that is only legal in 18 states

You know, we've been doing my brother, my brother, me for 15 years, and

maybe you stopped listening for a while maybe you never listened and you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years i know where this has ended up but no no you would be wrong we're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing yeah you don't even really know how crypto works The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on My Brother, My Brother, and me.

We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

And if not, we just leave it out back and goes rotten.

So check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news, we still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined!

No, no, no, it's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Lollum.

I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Hey, it's your Judge John Hodgen, just taking a quick break from this special episode with David for Dick Town to remind you

cash goat t-shirt.

Yes, it's our special limited edition, limited time, only at maxfundstore.com t-shirt featuring two goats who are going to get some cash.

This is the shirt designed by Alina from the other episode that we heard the other week.

We're only going to have it on for one more week, then it's going to go away forever.

These cash goats are so cashy and goatee.

I encourage you to go check out this great design and help this young couple in Australia find maybe a small garden shed to put a down payment on.

Cash goat t-shirt, maxfundstore.com.

Check it out.

Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

I'm your guest bailiff/slash guest judge, David Reese of Election Profit Makers in Dicktown.

Dicktown premiering March 3rd, 2022 at 10 p.m.

on FXX.

And the next day on the Hulu streaming system.

And you can catch up on season one if you've not seen it or you'd like to refresh your memory.

As always at bit.ly slash dicktown dicktown D-I-C-K-T-O-W-U.

And do we have a case here?

We do.

I have a case from Sasha in Los Angeles, California.

Okay.

Oh, boy, here we go.

My fiancé and I are planning our wedding, which we want to be a really fun summer camp-style weekend event.

He wants to put hand-rolled joints in all the gift bags, made with...

Made with weed that his mom has grown.

She continues, I don't want to give my grandma or his Mormon father a joint in a gift bag.

He says our wedding should be about us and what we like, no matter what other people think.

But I don't think I'd enjoy the wedding as much if I knew my grandma would spend it finding out that I occasionally enjoy recreational marijuana.

Who is right and who is wrong?

David, do you have an opinion on this?

Yeah, I do.

Okay.

Is it a firm opinion or you just got to work it through a little bit?

Oh, I don't have to work anything through.

All right.

There's no ambiguity in my mind.

Then hang on to it for a second so that I can work it through and then we'll see if we agree.

What about you, Jennifer Marmer?

What was your, if I may ask, what was your wedding like?

Did you give a gift?

What kind of drugs did you guys have at your wedding?

All of them.

I saw a lovely photo of you and Shane dancing at your wedding online recently.

Did you post that on your Instagram?

I did.

There was like one of those, you know, on Instagram stories, people are posting prompts and then, you know, people find the photo that matches the prompt.

It's one of the great ways that a predatory company gets us all to make content for it for free.

Exactly.

Exactly.

So, yeah, one of the prompts going around was, it's Valentine's Day coming up.

You know, share what your first dance was with your spouse.

And so I shared a picture of us doing it.

It was the first time you ever danced?

Yes.

What song was it?

And the song was, This Will Be Our Year by the Zombies.

Wow.

Great.

Yeah.

It was.

I don't know that song.

How does it go?

I don't want to get in trouble with ASCAP, but can you hum a few bars?

This will be our year.

We'll take so many drugs.

Starting tonight at our wedding.

We're going to get high with Granny and his mom and father.

Ripping bongs, and we don't bother anyone.

We do drugs for fun.

I'm so glad that just happened on this program.

So the song goes the warmth of your love's like the warmth of the sun this will be our year i love it i like davids better no offense none taken

um but yeah at our wedding we did do like a small favor um

and it

we

We both chose a candy at Sease Candy, which is a California company, and put them together in little, you know, boxes.

And my husband's a cartoonist.

And so he made a little cartoon that went in in the box under the candies.

And that was at everybody's seat at the reception.

That's adorable.

And of course they were, they were infused with THC.

Right.

Because it is a California company.

See's don't get mad.

Of course.

We didn't actually.

Seize does not have any THC in it.

No.

I don't know that we gave favors at our wedding.

I like we were married a long time in the year 1999.

I don't remember that we gave a little thing away.

I've certainly been to weddings since where I got a little something just for showing up.

You know, I gave my

groomsmen

a present.

You know what I gave them?

I gave them each the same thing.

I know what you gave them.

You do?

Yeah.

Do you know what I gave them, David, for real?

Yeah, you told me once.

I never forgot.

I think it was one of the first things you ever told me.

Maybe you're trying to make a good impression.

So

tell the audience.

Well, what I remember, maybe this isn't what you gave them, but in my mind, the thing you gave your presents,

in my mind, the thing that you gave your groomsmen were those canes that have swords inside of them.

Sword canes.

Sword canes, yeah.

Yeah.

That's funny.

You remember that very well,

but it was not, I was not stabbing you with a sword cane or anything.

It was not a memory locked in by pain.

We were just getting to know each other.

You're like, why is this person telling me this?

And then also on your honeymoon, didn't you guys wind up at a swingers' convention?

That was our first anniversary.

Oh, okay.

That's another story that had a big impact on me when I was getting to know you.

It's like, wow, this guy's pretty worldly.

It's a true story.

On our first anniversary, we didn't know what to do.

So

we got a car and we decided to drive up the Hudson River Valley just to see what we could find.

We were pretty familiar with the eastern bank and the towns there because we got married in one of them.

On the western bank, we found ourselves in Kingston.

And finally, we found ourselves in Saugerty's.

Yeah.

We went to the garlic festival because we just didn't know what to do.

And then the sun was going down.

We're like, I think we have to spend the night here in Sogerty's.

So we went to the, I think it was a Howard Johnson's.

And the guy who was in front of us checking in was having a very bad day.

And he was angry that he was being asked to show identification.

And he was like, I'm paying cash.

Why do I need to show ID?

And the person at reception was like, it's just our policy.

And he huffed off.

And we got up.

to the reception desk.

I've told you this story, right, Jennifer Marmer?

Have I said this on the podcast before?

This is a grown-up version of Judge John Hodgman.

She said,

She said, I'm sorry about that person.

I'm like, it's fine.

She said, Do you know what swingers are?

Now, kids, if you're listening,

this is Dicktown-type stuff.

Swingers are people, adults

who get together, oftentimes, as it was explained to us by this person at the Howard Johnson's Motor Lodge,

who will get together and rent a function room at a motor lodge and they and they and they have a club and they all show up and then they have having never met before they'll go and hug and kiss they'll they'll flirt with each other and then they'll pair off or maybe maybe even thrupple off having just met and they go to their rooms their individual rooms and hug and kiss each other very romantic so lifestyle and obviously they attracted at least one creep

that was my first anniversary was hiding in our room, afraid that if I left to get ice,

you would be tempted.

You would be tempted in your marriage.

They would just come and get me.

Like, you've got a swing.

Right.

I walked by the room, and they had the saddest little boombox playing

the saddest little music.

What were they playing?

Do you remember?

Pop music?

Jazz?

I think it was Tears for Fears.

Oh, everybody wants to rule the world.

That's like one of the most erotic songs.

Welcome to your life.

That's good.

Yeah, but now we are going to get sued by a discount.

Yeah.

Anyway, I guess.

All right, so we now know the 21st anniversary is the iDream 3 anniversary, and the sixth anniversary is the Simpsons video game anniversary.

Anyone who's celebrating their first anniversary, get them a gift certificate for Howard Johnson's Motor Lodge in Sogardi's.

See what happens.

Oh, yeah, we have to settle this case.

Right.

Marijuana in gift bags.

And what struck me about it was they can't customize it.

Like, everyone gets it, even grandma.

I think they're not in control of, like, where people are going to.

Oh, they have no way of telling.

Yeah.

John, what do you think about this?

I think that it would be very easy to customize it.

Yeah.

And, you know, you make a list, like the groom's side or the bride's side.

In this case, it's like the people who are cool with it and the people who are uncool with it.

And you...

personalize those bags and you put them on a table and they pick them up as they come in.

Can I say something?

You may.

You know, drugs are interesting and because like most of us don't bat an eye at going to a wedding that has like an open bar.

And you know, frankly, alcohol is a drug.

But it does seem

there's, there's, there's something different about it being marijuana, which, I mean, I don't know the demographics or the ages of the people who are doing this wedding in Los Angeles.

It might be, you know, the mom's growing weed herself.

So obviously, like, there's some faction of the family that is totally okay with it, which I'm totally okay with it.

But the old fuddy duddy in me does kind of feel like you're putting

joints in gift bags.

Like, what if you did this?

What if at the end of the night, as people were leaving, you put out like Halloween style?

Like, you put out a nice tray of joints, and you're like, these joints are made from my mom's weed, the mother of the groom's weed, hand-rolled with love.

Feel free to take one.

Honor system, don't take more than three.

You know, instead of

it seems a little bit of a,

I don't know if you would say imposition, but to put it in the gift bag, like, what if there's like, what if there's kids, I don't know.

Now I just sound like Nancy Reagan all over again.

Forget it.

Everybody just smoke marijuana all the time.

It doesn't matter.

I understand what you're saying, though.

Yeah, and there is the issue of if the person is not,

you might put someone on the cool list, cool with marijuana list, who might be in recovery actually.

Yeah, they might be sober, exactly.

That's why I guess I'm making the comparison between having a bar at a wedding where you can approach and if you want alcohol you can have it and if you don't want alcohol you can have a seltzer or soda or something right but putting drugs into the gift bag that i have to say to me that does feel just a little

a little much i don't know like a little invasive maybe i mean would i complain if i went to a wedding and i opened up my gift bag and there was like one of those little airline bottles of rum or something i guess not if it was if i was at a rum themed

i was at a i was at a wedding and it was a it was like this.

It was a kind of summer camp, full weekend wedding.

So no one was going to be driving anywhere.

We all arrived.

We actually pitched a tent and slept in the field.

Our friend Sarah and Matthew got married in New Hampshire.

And they had gifts

for everybody.

They were little engraved silver flasks.

that had the wedding date on.

And they had a high-quality rye whiskey in there.

And it was take it or not.

Do you know what I mean?

Right.

And I thought that was very gracious and nice.

And I kept it as a keepsake.

You know,

drugs very much are, whether it is alcohol or marijuana or any other kind of drug that is used recreationally,

there is a certain context to it, right?

Because

a little rye whiskey and a silver, and this is all about hypocrisy.

It's all about presentation.

It's like, why is it okay to drink a martini at a bar?

And that's classy, but it's kind of skeevy to smoke a joint in a strip mall parking lot.

You know, like it's all, it's all the same thing.

Right.

But in this case, the presentation I thought was fitting and gracious and spirited as it were.

Whereas if I got a gift bag and there was a little a little nip bottle of fireball in there, I would be like, this is gross.

I don't want this.

This seems weird to me.

Why am I being slipped

a little bottle of rum?

You know, it seems like underhanded, a little under the table, a little tawdry, a little winky, a little tawdry, a little tauddry.

A little tauddry.

And the other thing is that I have to say, is like, well, you know, Sasha's looking out for her grandma.

It would be scandalized to find out that Sasha enjoys legal marijuana from time to time.

But in looking out for her grandma, is she insulting Sasha's fiancé's mom, who legally grows weed as part of her lifestyle?

Hmm.

Again, I think this is

we're assuming that Sasha really does know her grandma and that her grandma, in fact, is not a huge pothead.

A huge secret pothead.

Right, exactly.

She found it late in life and it was a game changer and all she does now is like listen to broken video games and get blazed.

And gets her glaucoma cleared up.

Right, exactly.

Yeah.

I mean, absolutely.

The thing that Sasha said about the grandma that I think is really important is that Sasha's husband's argument is like, hey, man, it's our day.

We should do what we want.

And Sasha's point is, well, one of the things that I want to do on my wedding day is not be self-conscious about grandma pulling out a joint out of the gift bag and be like, what on earth is this?

You're saying my granddaughter smokes this?

That's my impression of Sasha's grandmother.

Pretty uncanny.

So I, you know, like, there, I've, you know, I've been a privy to a lot of conversations where somebody saying the wedding is our day is kind of like, I mean, it is, and you should, you should make sure you have a fulfilling day for you and your spouse or whoever is is meaningful on that day.

But I kind of like, I kind of like Sasha's argument here.

It's like, yeah, I don't want to be worried about what my grandma thinks about finding drugs in her gift bag.

Right, right.

I mean, it's not necessarily just about, I mean, I think if you consider a wedding being about you and about everyone coming together to celebrate you,

that is by definition selfish.

and a little bit unseemly.

I think of parties like this as being an opportunity to thank and celebrate the people that you care about.

Right, right.

And that would include, you know,

gifting them something nice, but not necessarily sneaking them a joint if they're not expecting that, not necessarily provoking them

in a way.

And, you know, I think what I'm trying to find is a ruling because I kind of, my gut says, don't do this.

But I do want a ruling that also affords equal respect to Sasha's fiancé's mom.

Right.

Because it would be like saying, my mom wants to bake a bunch of non-THC brownies and put them in the gift.

She loves baking.

Don't you dare do that.

What if somebody doesn't know that I enjoy chocolate?

Right.

Chocolate or whatever.

No, I see that side of it as well.

But that's why I think the solution is like, they're here if you want them.

We're not going to presume.

We're not going to put it in your gift bag.

They're here on this nice tray.

Maybe they could get like a nice terracotta tray or a silver tray

that sits outside the venue at the end of the night.

Like, here's something.

I think it would have to be a a low-key availability because it'll still scandalize your grandma, Sasha.

I acknowledge this, you know?

But hey, if you're going to have an open bar at the wedding and your fiancé's father is a member of the Church of Latter-day Saints, as you indicate, it seems unlikely he's going to be partaking of that alcohol.

You know what I mean?

I mean, I don't know.

Are you saying that they just put the joints at the bar?

I mean, where else would you put them?

A drug is a drug is a drug is a drug.

One thing that they might do, since it's a weekend event, you know, at a summer camp style situation,

I'm guessing they're going to be programming other, you know, things around the wedding leading up to the wedding.

And maybe the night that everybody arrives, you know, grandma's going to go to bed at a certain point.

You know, she's not going to hang out at the campfire or whatever it is.

And next to the s'more fix-ins or whatever it is, you have this tray of joints with a little bit of a lean into the summer camp thing.

Right.

Lean into the summer camp thing.

Yeah.

Oh, I think so too.

I mean, I think that it should be, I mean, you know,

the wedding happens presumably in an afternoon before that open bar is unveiled.

You know what I mean?

You don't want to be handing people joints and nip bottles of fireball before the wedding even starts.

Right.

Everyone's got red eyes in the wedding photos.

You want to wait till after the photos.

This clearly,

I would say, you know, I think what you suggest is really smart, Jennifer Marmor.

A compromise position might be, you know, to do it on the rehearsal dinner night, if there is an equivalent, the night before, you know,

and, you know, the rehearsal dinner is often thrown by the parents of one member of the couple.

It's perfect.

This is the perfect solution.

Right.

And so, like, the groom, the fiancé, if his mom wants to make an announcement at the rehearsal dinner, just saying, I grow marijuana.

It's part of who I am.

I won't be erased.

And

anyone who wants to enjoy some of my homegrown marijuana,

and I'll be leading a tasting later on by the campfire.

Anyone who wants to enjoy it, you go to the bar after dinner.

And if you're 21 or whatever, and this is legal for you, you can take one and enjoy it.

Then she takes the heat.

If grandma's all upset, then

it's on the mother of the groom.

Right, exactly.

And

Sasha can just be like, oh, in-laws, you know?

Boom.

It's the first in-law diss

of many, of many happy years of in-law dissing.

Exactly.

I guess we're saying that there are a number of different ways that you could share your mother's homegrown marijuana, Sasha's fiancé.

But the idea of indiscriminately putting them in every gift bag feels less polite and less problematic and not particularly generous in a certain way.

than other options you might be able to explore.

Yeah, right.

There are ironically more generous ways to share your mother-in-law's passion for marijuana than putting it in everybody's gift bag.

That's interesting, yeah.

Yeah.

Sometimes maximizing distribution is not maximally generous.

Can I tell you a couple times when I've been at weddings and they were impacted negatively by drug use?

Yes.

One time I went to a wedding, a destination wedding in Mexico, and we went deep sea fishing with the groom and one of the party, one of the groomsmen had decided unbeknownst to any of us until he was turning green on the bottom of the ship.

The bottom of the boat was that he had decided to eat a lot of psychedelic mushrooms that he had somehow smuggled into Mexico.

It's like, whatever, do your thing, but it's, I felt a little bit like, bro, this day is not supposed to be about you tripping balls while we try to catch Marlin in the ocean.

Like, we're supposed to be here for our friend to like, you know, celebrate his fun day and now you're sick.

Whatever.

I guess that happens.

And then obviously I've been at weddings where alcohol, which again is a drug is consumed in excess and I was at a wedding a couple years ago and a an actual fist fight broke out between uh members of the grooms and and brides families or it was like it was like a blended family and I guess that night the blend was wearing off and it came to blows so yeah I would say if you're going to a wedding it's great to have fun there's so much fun but you know don't don't drink take it easy don't steal focus from from the people whose day you're celebrating and kids don't do a drug and don't just say no to a drug.

Just say no to a drug, kids.

I mean,

they complicate things.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's yeah, that's true.

It's high stakes.

It's high stakes with these drugs.

I'm glad we could bring you this public service announcement here at the end of the docket of this special episode of Judge John Hodgman.

May I please remind you again that David Reese, my friend, my co-star, my co-creator, and the gentleperson currently sitting in the other room from me on the fold-out sofa in my office where he's been staying while we work

on yet another secret project.

Oh, yes.

Oh, you're going to talk about the other secret?

You better hold on.

No, I'm not.

It's a secret.

It's a secret.

One is revealed, another is withheld.

Marijuana.

Secret project.

This has been Judge John Hodgman Nights.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, man.

Judge John Hodgman after dark.

Got noise music.

You got drugs in gift bags.

People coming to blows.

Got swear words in cartoons, adult cartoons.

Popping off every which way.

Hey, let me tell you something.

This Dick Town show, if you've not checked it out,

the most scurrilous thing about it is that it is called Dicktown.

That was my idea.

It's set in a town called Richardsville.

I said, let's call it Dicktown because then our producers will think it's really subversive and cool so that we can make actually a kind of corny cartoon about two guys coming to grips with aging and it has a lot of heart in it.

It's a lot of fun, I would say.

A A lot of fun.

Dicktown season one, bit.ly slash dicktown.

Dicktown season two premieres March the 3rd.

It could be today.

It could be tomorrow.

When you're listening to this, look at your calendar.

Figure it out.

Make your plan.

10 p.m.

Eastern and Pacific, different feeds.

FXX, Friday on Hulu.

Every Thursday in March, there will be new episodes of Dick Town just coming at you on FXX at 10 p.m.

live.

And then on Hulu, the day after.

We surely do hope that you check it out.

We surely do hope that if you like it, you tell a person about it, either in person or maybe using a social media, like with a hashtag.

May I suggest hashtag DickTown?

Why not?

You might be as embarrassed to write it as I am to say it because the truth is, I'm a prude and I feel really nervous talking about drugs, but I think we did a good job.

David, anything you want to add to that before I take us out?

I would just say thank you for having me back on your podcast and thanks to the listeners for their good questions.

And yeah, thanks for making the second season of the show with me.

It was really fun.

I hope people like it.

I would also like to say that you have a great podcast called Election Profit Makers.

Oh, thank you.

Which is available wherever you get your podcasts.

It's a wonderful conversation every week between you and one of your oldest friends, John Kimball, down there in North Carolina, talking about politics to a certain degree, current events to a certain degree, the bad boys of the week, which is one of my favorite news segments,

but also skylines, helicopters,

guitar pedals,

a whole host of, I mean,

when you get two friends, old friends talking together, you never know where it may go.

And it's always delightful.

That's true.

It's like a joint in a gift bag.

You never know where it's going to go.

Election Profit Makers, it's called.

And I want to thank the listeners of Election Profit Makers as much as I thank the listeners of Judge John Hodgman.

I think truly without you all checking out first season of Dick Town at bit.ly slash Dick Town over the past year and telling people about it, we never would have had a chance to make the second season.

And the second season is so much fun.

We've got so many incredible guest stars.

We got Amy Sederis in this season.

Of course, we got Paul F.

Tompkins and Jandy Haddad Tompkins.

We got your friend and guest bail, Gene Gray, but we also got like Jamie Lee Curtis, John Early, Anna Akana.

Amy Mann plays a hot air balloon pilot.

That's right.

Amy Mann plays a hot air.

balloon pilot.

Does it get better than that?

John Glazer, Mike Mitchell of the Doughboys, and also original songs and music by Jonathan Colton and Michael Penn and John Flansberg of They Might Be Giants.

And our Dicktown theme song is sung wildly by Weird Al Yankovic.

It's a big season for us.

We can't wait for you to enjoy it and hope that you do.

That's it for Judge John Hodgman.

Thank you so much.

The docket is clear.

Thank you, David Rees, again for joining us.

Our producer, Jennifer Marmer.

Thank you, Jennifer Marmor, for sharing special memories of your special day.

Thank you for prompting me to talk about it.

People love it when you talk.

Simpson's video game.

Hang on a second.

Simpsons video game.

All right.

That's going to cost you about...

I don't want to tell you how much it's going to cost because maybe one's coming your way.

Do you have room for it?

No.

No?

All right.

And I'll get you two.

I'll get you two.

And our editor is Valerie Moffat.

Thank you, Valerie, as always, for doing such an incredible job of editing.

We're on Instagram at JudgeJohnHodgwin, where you can see the photos from this week's case and all the weeks' cases, including this Ms.

Bacman machine, which truly seems like it's being held against its will.

It wants to fly, dude.

Let it go.

Make sure to hashtag your Judge John Hodgman tweets, hashtag JJ H.O., and check out the Maximum Fun subreddit to discuss this episode.

I go in there and check out the conversation and jump in when I can.

It's always a lot of fun.

And while we're always interested in any kind of case or dispute you might have,

this week begins the month of March.

David Reese, do you have any themes that we might be asking?

March madness, basketball fun, bracketology, college basketball, number one.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

So this is disputes over college basketball.

Mike Szyszewski, disputes about the legacy of Duke head basketball coach Mike Szyszewski, who's finally retiring and he's going on his year-long farewell tour so that everybody can lick his shoes and say, yes, Coach Kay, you're an all-time classic basketball coach coach because he didn't have the decency to retire in the offseason like Roy Williams of the UNC Tar Heels.

This is going to be a lot of fun.

If you have a dispute surrounding March Madness, college basketball, it can be a philosophical dispute like which version of the UNC Tar Heels was the best on the basketball field.

82.

Next question.

Okay.

Maybe you disagree.

Maybe you disagree with David.

It can be

someone in your office

cheated at the thing.

I don't know.

It's a bracket, right?

You make a bracket in the office, and there's a pool, and you win money or something.

But maybe somebody changed their bracket, they erased one of the teams after the game's decision was finalized.

You know, maybe it was like that.

If there's one thing I know about sports, and it's the reason I don't care for it, it's about confrontation.

It's about creating artificial confrontations with a cathartic outcome.

And I'm now ready to hear these cases.

So if you have any March, March Madness, college basketball, or it can be any kind kind of college sports that might fit into this theme,

think broadly on the subject, listeners, and get us your March Madness theme disputes.

As always, at maximumfund.org/slash JJHO.

We'll talk to you next time on the Judge Wrong Hodgman podcast.

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