A Gallon of Scallops

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

We're in Chambers this week, clearing the docket.

And with me, as always, is Coastal Mains,

number one,

New York-based author of humorous memoirs with the initials J H, Judge John Hodgman.

Hello, yes, with you as always, but not with you, as always,

but with you in spirit and visual.

I can see you here.

You can see me here in the studios of WERU Community Radio, 89.9 FM.

Don't dial in 99.9 anymore.

They don't do it anymore, right, Joel?

That's right.

I don't know why they shut that one down.

It's a lot of controversy, I understand.

Joel doesn't want to talk about it.

No.

Right.

Obviously here with our friend, programs and operations manager here at WERU, Joel Mann.

Joel?

Good to be here with you, Judge.

It's a lot of talk from Joel there all of a sudden.

Joel, the last time I saw you,

last time I saw you

was at the supermarket.

We're like chatty Kathy Mann.

I know.

Well, you know what?

We've all been alone for so long.

All of a sudden,

we can't afford to be flinty misanthropes like we moved to Maine to become.

I can see Joel exchanging a sentence or two with maybe a big iron wood stove.

I ran into Joel in the supermarket about a week ago, and Joel wouldn't stop talking to me.

I was trying to get my groceries, and Joel said, You said you were going to pick up a gallon of scallops.

Yes, I did.

Right off the boat.

You say scallops or scallops?

Scallops.

Yeah.

Were you getting them there from the supermarket?

No, no, no.

I got a diver who dives.

A gallon?

How many?

Every year I get a gallon.

How long does a gallon last you?

Till August.

Oh,

God.

You freeze them?

Yeah, they're perfect for you.

Oh, yeah.

I'm going to say,

how have you lived?

I want to get some scallops today.

Where do I go?

Call David Tarr.

I'll give you his number.

All right.

So I'm going to get some scallops after we record this podcast.

Yeah, I'm up here in coastal Maine, hiding out.

Hiding out with an elderly relative.

I'm just, I feel so inadequate for not having my own scallop diver.

Everybody has a scallop diver, don't they?

I'm here in coastal Maine, hiding out with my, with my family for the foreseeable future.

Jesse Thorne, you are there in Los Angeles looking good in your home studio.

And Jennifer Marmer, you are also there in Los Angeles looking good in your home studio.

How are you?

How are you guys doing as okay as possible?

Yeah, you know.

I mean, my friends, the gardeners, just arrived, and they're building a house across the street from my house, And I live on like a 15-foot-wide street.

Are we going to hear a leaf blower today or what?

Hey, it just started, baby.

It's here.

Oh, great.

I'm here in the isolation booth at WERU, where they are maintaining

impeccable, depopulated, multiple cleanings a day.

I'm in a room where no one else has been for months, said Joel.

I can tell.

But I'm sitting in a chair.

Listen to this.

Oh, wait a minute.

You hear it go?

Can you hear it, Jennifer Marmor?

Yes, I can hear it.

That's not as good as a leaf blower.

I'll try to find a better sound for you here in the studios of WERU.

Maybe the sound of my voice as we lay down some justice.

You and me, Jesse Thorne, old friend.

What do we got on the docket?

Here's something from Jay.

He says, is butt leg.

I guess I should read the rest.

I kind of want to leave it there.

That's like a question my three-year-old would definitely ask.

Frankie would say,

Dad is butt leg.

My view, says Jay, is the gluteal region is part of the leg, an argument endorsed by my med school textbooks and anatomy professors.

Functionally and even aesthetically, butt is leg.

But but, my friend says, butt cannot be leg.

Butt is butt.

Nothing more.

If anything, butt is hip.

The gluteal muscles act on the hip joint.

The argument is not settled and cannot be without a decision by the judge.

Thank you for considering our case.

John, would you say that you're more of a butt man or a butt man?

Well, look, I'll tell you one thing.

I'm not a writer of anatomy textbooks.

I'm no butt doctor.

Like this guy with his fancy med school degree in buttology.

I'm a fake judge.

And like a real judge once said about movies featuring naked butts and other shamy parts, I may not be able to define butt,

but I know a butt when I see it.

What do you think, Jesse?

But is butt leg?

No.

No.

No?

No.

Of course, butt isn't leg.

But

would you ever say,

yeah,

things got hot and heavy with my high school girlfriend?

She touched my leg.

Referring to your butt?

No.

I mean, if I were in high school and a person

touched my elbow, I'd wonder about the implications,

whether they were romantic or a sign of disdain.

Certainly, if someone touched my butt, though,

I would know to feel something,

whether that is fear,

arousal, or

anger at being intruded upon.

But butt is not leg, right?

Yeah,

butt and leg are two entirely.

I mean, have you ever gotten out the slow cooker to cook yourself a Boston leg?

No, and nor have I ever cooked the butt of a pig in a slow cooker because a pork butt is its shoulder, stupidly.

Not even the part of the pig.

Is butt shoulder?

Sometimes butt is shoulder, but butt is never leg, except in anatomy textbooks.

So how do we reconcile these two realities?

I will allow this to

Dr.

Buttminster Fuller.

This is ultimately a is a hot dog a sandwich time waster of an argument.

But since pointless arguments and podcasts about them are about the only entertainment we're going to get this winter until we can see each other again, I will allow it.

And I will reconcile it this way for the doctors out there.

I will say that each cheek

is a part of its respective leg,

but taken together,

they become a butt, which is its own thing.

Is that fair?

Am I splitting the baby on that one?

No, I think that's fair.

And I would also just ask you to give blanket permission to all toddlers to ask the question, is butt-legged?

Oh, that's granted.

They need no permission.

Toddlers are out here asking the hard questions we as a society and as a culture and a civilization need toddlers asking is butt leg i'm not sure i need dr j butt man last name redacted asking writing into a podcast act he's just acting like a toddler i want a genuine toddler question I have a clarification here.

We would accept that question from Dr.

J Julius Irving.

If Julius Irving wanted to ask, is butt leg, we'd be glad to.

We'll answer pretty much any.

If Julius Irving, if you're listening right now, and I'm going to extend this to Walt Clyde Frazier.

Yep.

Clyde Frazier, Dr.

J, if you're listening right now,

feel free to write in with any question.

You get an automatic pass-on to the end.

Yeah, any question.

And anyone within the sound of my voice

who has a toddler in their lives,

email me, hodgman at maximumfund.org, the best question your toddler has asked recently.

Have your children asked any, any, any good questions lately?

Like mind-benders?

My youngest child asked a question the other day that I think

fits this, which is, Dad, why is the moon always following us?

Yeah, see?

Look,

Joel Mann is across the glass from me, just nodding his head sagely.

That's a good one.

I want some mind-breaking toddler questions in my inbox.

And

I want more dogs on Jesse Thorne's

I'm seeing one dog on Jesse Thorne's lap.

When we come back from the break, I want there to be two dogs on his lap,

sharing the neck hole of his shirt.

More items on the docket coming up in just a minute with me, Judge John Hodgman, and my dog Coco, who just jumped onto my lap on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

You're listening to Judge John Hodgman.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast, always brought to you by you, the members of maximumfun.org.

Thanks to everybody who's gone to maximumfun.org slash join.

And you can join them by going to maximumfun.org slash join.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by Made In.

John, have you been eating off your made-in

plates and bowls lately?

Are you talking about my world-famous entree bowls?

Yeah, I'm talking about entree bowls, but you know what?

It's okay to put a more voluminous

appetizer into those bowls.

I'm going to tell you, I'm going to tell you what.

I've got made in regular plates.

I've got made in salad plates.

I've got made in regular bowls.

And then I got these entree bowls.

And, you know, I got the entree bowls.

I specifically asked for them for the holidays, for my wife who's a whole human being in her own right because

our children grew up and moved away.

And that means all we do is eat dinner in front of the television.

And if you're sitting on a couch, there's no better way to eat your meal than out of an entree bowl.

It's like a big dinner plate, but it's curved on the sides.

So you have some protection.

It's the ultimate eating festival, particularly in soup season.

And for all of that, it also looks really good, like all the made-in cookware, tableware, glassware.

It's made to look good and it's made to work good for both the pros, like Tom Colicchio and Brooke Williamson and all the other professional chefs who use it in their professional kitchens and for home cooks like me, like Jesse, like Jennifer, and all of you.

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The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by Quince.

Now, Jesse Thorne, did you see me a couple of weeks ago on

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No, that was a murderous row.

Of course I watched that.

I love topical humor.

I was on that show, and you know, the first thing that happened when

I got on set was people said to me, what a great outfit.

And you know how I knew they were buying?

Because I was wearing quints.

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Denim, like a denim jacket cut, but it was made out of this soft wide whale corduroy.

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Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

We're clearing the docket this week, and we have something here from Gene, a former litigator.

Hold the line for a second, Jesse Thorne, because there's an injustice that I need to talk about here.

So in this new iteration, in this strange alternate reality world that we're living in doing Judge John Hodgman,

there have been a few changes.

One, we can see each other, which is great.

Two, dogs are in the picture, always great.

Three, new characters.

Leafblower shows up every Thursday.

But I just heard, what listeners don't know is during the break, Jesse told me that Coco jumped in Jesse's lap because Coco is afraid of Leafblower.

And I don't like that at all.

I invited Leafblower to be part of this podcast.

I invited Leafblower to be a member of the Judge John Hodgman family.

This is a time when we need to comfort each other and ask dumb questions like, is butt leg?

and trade scallop recipes and kindle a light in the darkness.

I don't need Leafblower in here messing up Coco's mood.

So, Coco,

I'm ordering a restraining order against Leaf Blower.

Wow.

This is powerful stuff.

I know Leaf Blower is just doing Leaf Blower's job.

But Leafy, you can't come in here.

Coco is an established character.

She's an elderly dog.

She's an elderly dog and a longtime member of the Judge Sean Hodgman family.

You can't be coming in scaring a dog, Leafy.

If you want to be on this podcast, I know I have no control over Leafy and Leafy's hours.

There's nothing I can do, but this is

a symbolic restraining order, and I hope that it gives Coco some comfort to know that I'm on her side.

Get your act together, Leaf Blower.

My dog takes beef pills.

What's a beef pill?

It's a beef-flavored pill for her heart.

That's incredible.

It's

flavored with beef?

It's beef-flavored, so she'll chew it.

This is an episode of the Beef and Dairy Network podcast waiting to happen, but it's happening here in my real life.

I wish that I had a doctor who would be like, Yeah, you know, you really should start thinking more about your heart health.

You should modify your diet.

You should get some more exercise.

And here, take this pill made of beef.

Contradictory.

That's all I'm saying.

Okay, I'm ready to move on now.

Here's something from Jean, a former litigant.

She and her sister Liz were in episode 427, Coda Conduct.

Here's what she says.

My son Jude and I adopted a wonderful Shiba Inu named Skye 10 years ago.

Skye is wonderful and sassy with eyes that always make it clear she's mildly disappointed in you.

Although I think it's weird, I refer to myself as Sky's mom when scheduling visits to the vet, grooming, and so forth.

It's convenient and I like it better than saying I'm Skye's owner.

However, I recently learned that Jude calls himself Skye's dad.

What?

First, that family tree makes no sense.

Second, as Jude provides lots of fun playtime for Skye, but zero financial support, Jude seems more like a brother than a dad.

Please order Jude to stop referring to himself as Skye's dad.

Well, first of all,

thank you to everyone who wrote in after our last pet-related dispute.

I had asked for photos of cats cuddling together because I needed needed to look at them, and you sent in some wonderful ones.

Also, some of you sent a lot of information and a lot of letters, some of them quite long,

about

feline psychology, and I really enjoyed them.

Special thanks to listener Sarah, who wrote

quite a novel of an email to me.

And I really enjoyed it because just she's a she's a veterinarian in Canada, and she gave me a lot of information about cats that I did not have, including the fact, Jesse, that one of the reasons that cats look so ashamed and wary in the litter box is that they are instinctively terrified of being ambushed in the litter box.

And one of the things that will cause cats to avoid going to the litter box in terms of placement is if it's enclosed and they don't have

a fair view of all of their surroundings, they're going to feel like they're going to get jumped as soon as they get out of that litter box.

They are both prey and predator animals,

Sarah wrote, and they don't have a pack to protect them.

I didn't ever think about that.

So, Sarah, I know from Get Your Pets, the occasional afternoon talk show that I do on Instagram Live where I interview people's cats and dogs.

She is the,

I mean, this is the thing.

Do I say cat mom?

Do I say the mom of, or the owner of, or the person of

the cat's Captain Jack Sparrow Harkness, the time-traveling pirate kitten, who has one eye, an incredible cat, and Sophie, who did not get a good name from Sarah, really, Sarah really stopped naming cats the good way when she named Sophie.

Anyway, it was nice to get that letter from Sarah.

And if she gives me permission, Sarah,

if I have your permission, I'd like to forward that to any letter writer who writes me requesting it.

Your email is really good and interesting.

All right, anyway, so there's that.

Now, this is the issue here: who is what in relation to this incredible dog, Skye?

So I agree with Jean personally.

Jean says that she thinks it's weird, and I agree with her, to call yourself your pet's mom.

I think that's a little weird.

And I know I can hear the letters being written right now.

I'm getting them before we even post this podcast.

I'm sure of it.

Because it's very common for people to call themselves, you know, my cat's mom, my dog's dad, my cat's brother-in-law, or whatever it is.

I get it.

It's a sign of affection.

And it is better than

I am, you know,

this is just a thought experiment, Jesse.

I'm not trying to claim your dog here, but like me saying, I am Coco's owner.

What do you say, Jesse?

I'm Coco's owner, not you.

Was that the question?

No, but you can't have my dog.

Oh, no, I was just, it was just a thought experiment.

It was just like...

No, I love my dog, John.

You can't have my dog.

And I don't even know how my dog would get to you.

You're in Maine, and my my dog and I live in Los Angeles.

But I'm you can have my other dog, Sissy.

Okay, great.

But you don't say that you own your children.

Do you say that you own Coco and Sissy?

Or what is the term that you use?

I do generally.

I think I do generally.

I occasionally use parent.

My children have insisted that Coco and Sissy are their siblings, but that doesn't work for me.

I think Coco and Sissy are their weird aunties.

They're both literally older than my children and dramatically older in dog years.

Yeah, I certainly appreciate why,

in Gene's case, though,

if you have raised a dog from a relatively young age that you feel

a paternal or maternal instinct towards, then you would think of it as your child to some degree.

But it is a little, it's a little intimate, just for me.

It's just weirds.

It's one of my little weirdsies.

It weirds me out a little bit.

John, I have to admit here that while I just claim that I would typically refer to myself as the dog's owner, and certainly that is true were I calling, for example, the TLC Pet Medical Center in Pasadena, where my dogs receive veterinary care.

I'm thinking back to earlier this morning when I let the dogs out the front door so they could go sniff around the front yard, and my wife was coming in at the same time through our front gate.

And I greeted her, said hello, then looked at our dogs and said, did you know dogs is a type of baby?

Is dog baby?

I think dog is baby.

Do you think dog is baby?

Yes, she is.

I'm not saying that Gene, look, Gene's a former litigant.

She's a member of the Judge John Hodgman family.

She wants to say that she's Sky's mom, go for it.

If you want to say that you're, not you, Jesse, but listener, if you have a dog, a cat, a bearded dragon, an emu,

go ahead and say that.

Beta fish.

Beta fish.

Yeah, you can go ahead.

You can go ahead and say it.

Just know that I'm going to go, oh, you're kind of diminishing actual parenthood there.

But that's fine.

It's cool.

But this is not the crux of the case, Jesse.

The crux of the case is, if I allow this, can Jean's son be the dad of her own offspring dog?

Or is that only allowed in the British royal family?

I feel like that's an episode of the crown.

Maybe occasionally the Bible, the Old Testament.

I think that you're right, Jesse, that the pet is a member of the family for sure.

And if you're going to incorporate familial names, they should be accurate to the situation.

So, for example,

Coco and Sissy are weird older aunties to your children.

That's perfect sense for all the reasons he said.

And similarly, with regard to Jude, who loves to play with the dog and show the dog a good time and be Mr.

Goodtime for the dog, but never is around when the dog needs to go to the doctor, doesn't pay for any of the dog's food or housing.

That's not a brother, Gene.

I would say that Jude is Skye's deadbeat dad.

Jude can refer to himself as his dog's deadbeat dad,

and then he can go get a pack of cigarettes, never come back.

Here's something from Andrew.

I'm writing the court seeking a cease and desist order against my fiancée, Vanessa.

Vanessa uses the term cheers as a verb, as in, let's cheers to the newlyweds.

I believe cheers is not an action.

It's what you say.

The correct phrasing should be, let's make a toast to the newlywed couple, followed by, cheers.

Please order my fiancée to stop cheersing people.

So Vanessa is Andrew's fiancé?

Yeah.

And they're going to get married at some point.

Yeah, and there's going to be a lot of cheers.

It sounds like it's going to be a lot of fun.

Yeah.

With Vanessa and her family cheersing each other.

I think cheers is a noun, and what you say is, norm.

Yeah.

No, I mean,

I'll tell you, first of all, congratulations, Andrew.

Have a good time getting really mad at your own wedding as your new wife and her family cheers each other up, down, and all around town.

You know, English is a living language.

I understand what you're saying.

A toast is the noun.

Cheers is something you say.

I get it.

I would not recommend that you watch Love Island.

season six for sure because not only are is not only is that the the birthplace of the incredible catchphrase it is what it is in it which is the most

got me through many days

as well as the incredible catchphrase from Mike

Jesse have you watched Love Island

no I missed that somehow

season six you said

do I have to see the previous seasons to understand the storylines no no no no no they're all new groups of people every time.

And in fact, Love Island season six is so like the young woman who lives in our house

made me watch this and she said, you're really going to like this.

And I said,

I reserve the right to be correct in saying no.

But she was right.

It was surprisingly fun and wholesome for a reality show.

Like, you actually like these people.

And also, this was the first season where they banned smoking on camera.

So you look back at like season five and you're like, who are these bad kids?

Give me the season six.

Give me Mike from season six.

Because I don't remember which

it was, it was Trots, I think.

I can't remember his first name, but

he gets to go on a date with the girl that he likes, and she's really into

Disney princess stuff.

So

they decide that the date is going to be in a castle somewhere, and they're going to really

princess it up, right?

And they're going to keep it, they're going to do the scavenger hunt so she gets clues about where to go.

And Mike goes, I know what we'll call it, Operation Fairy Tale.

There's a pause, and he goes, where do I pluck this stuff from?

We say it all the time.

Where do I, anytime any of us, you know, we're all, oh, look, we're all alone.

We're all alone together in Maine.

We just like, we're just trying to find a way to get along.

Anytime we say some dumb idea, like,

I'm going to put salt on this sandwich or whatever.

It's like, where do I pluck this stuff from?

Salt on a sandwich.

That's actually weird.

It's a weird idea.

Never mind.

And then, of course, what they're always saying is, and you're going to really hate this, Andrew, and that's why I'm so happy to say it to you.

They say, let's have a cheers.

Let's have a cheers.

They're using, they're not, it's not even a verb.

They're getting rid of that old noun toast.

Let's have a cheers.

And then they say, cheers.

And guess what they do then?

They have a sip of their drink, alcoholic or non-alcoholic.

They look beautiful.

They have fun.

They're all friends and they're wholesome.

Don't let

your linguistic...

I'm not even going to say pedantry.

I mean, I appreciate your,

you have a certain standard, but don't let it get in the way of fun.

And, you know, you can say all kinds of words.

And to Jesse Thorne's point,

you can say cheers when you're raising a glass to a friend or loved one.

But you can also, and this is my ruling right now, you can also say any title of a Ted Dance in sitcom.

You can say,

Jesse, here's to you.

Becker.

Ink to us all.

Ink to the newlyweds.

Whoa, deep cut.

Wow.

The good place is what everyone's going to say.

To the good place.

But I will, when we can get together again,

if we have meetups, like that incredible meetup we had in Atlanta that time, listeners, Judge John Hodgman,

if you come up to me and you go

and you raise your glass and you say, bored to death to you, John Hodgman, I will buy that drink.

I'll buy that drink right there.

Also, if you say gym cotta.

Yes.

Karate skills, martial arts kills.

Let's take a quick break.

When we come back, we'll hear disputes about tonic water and a letter about parents sucking their own children's pacifiers.

Hmm, that's called a tease.

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Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

We're clearing the docket this week.

Here's something from Barbara.

She says, My husband and I both enjoy an occasional vodka tonic, but we only buy tonic water made with cane sugar.

During the pandemic, we order our groceries ahead of time and and pick them up at the curb.

Sometimes I end up with an item we didn't mean to order or didn't want, so we leave these items with our neighbor who volunteers at our local food bank.

Recently, we mistakenly received tonic water containing high-fructose corn syrup, which we try to avoid.

My husband wants to donate it to the food bank.

He reasons that there may be a food bank patron who appreciates a cocktail, but it strikes me as callous in a kind of let-themeat cake Marie Antoinette way.

What should we do with it?

First of all, you don't make a cocktail with tonic water.

If you're putting tonic water in a thing, that's a mixed drink.

It's not a cocktail.

Second of all, we're recording this in December.

This is a time of desperate need.

Food banks are absolutely slammed across the country with people.

who are living with food insecurity.

Massive numbers of people have been just thrown into

economic places they never expected to ever be in their lives.

And then a massive number of people

were already relying on these food banks, and now there's less and less and less to go around, and we all know why.

So credit to you and especially your neighbor,

Barbara, for

thinking of that food bank.

And I hope that everyone listening can give a moment to find a food bank in their community and think about how they might help out by donating food or time or money, whatever you can spare.

I support an organization in Park Slope called Community Help in Park Slope or CHIPS.

That's one that I like.

And much like Barbara and her husband, I make a point of donating at a minimum, once a year, one bottle of Kampari a week.

No, I don't do that.

I give them something they can use like time or food or money.

Scallops.

Scallops.

Thank you, Joel.

A gallon of scallops.

They freeze beautifully.

Jesse, what do you think?

Should they donate tonic water to a food bank?

Honestly, I'm so hung up on people avoiding high-fructose corn syrup.

It's just a whole thing.

Look, Barbara, yeah, that's a good point, Jesse.

Barbara, you're a valued listener.

And, of course, whatever you want to put in your body is obviously your choice.

And,

you know, the whole new Coke versus old Coke wars were around the different flavor profile of high fructose corn syrup versus cane sugar, and that's reasonable as well.

The Mayo Clinic, which is still an authority on some things, I guess, I like it because it's called Mayo.

They say that there's no real personal health difference between high fructose corn syrup and other sweeteners that's been proven.

However, high fructose corn syrup, you know, that that does not have a

personal risk compared to other sweeteners so much as it is

a community risk because, as Michael Pollan will tell you, it just

is a super cheap sweetener and it just promotes the growth of corn, which is a kind of devastating crop to just grow.

And maize, I'm talking about, if you're listening in the UK, it's a not very good crop to grow.

It's not a very sustainable crop to grow and has negative impacts environmentally.

The problem with high-fructose corn syrup is not that it is more unhealthy for you than cane sugar or beet sugar or wherever else you are getting your sugar.

The problem with high fructose corn syrup is that, you know, in the United States, corn is a highly subsidized crop.

High fructose corn syrup is therefore much cheaper than other forms of sugar.

You know, sugar is very similar

no matter its source, but because it is so much cheaper, it is used heavily in processed foods because it's a very affordable ingredient that people like to taste.

Right.

But I don't have a problem with someone donating a bottle of tonic to the food bank, just as I don't have a problem with there,

you know, not being

restrictions on the foods people can buy with funds from government food programs.

People are capable of making their own decisions.

If the food bank doesn't want it, they can throw it in the garbage.

If nobody who is a patron of the food bank wants it, they're welcome to leave it on the shelf or throw it in the garbage.

People are capable of making their own decisions and managing their own stuff, whether or not they are a food bank or a person who needs food help.

So

it's totally fine with me.

Like

my first choice would be like, in this case, you'll probably survive drinking the high-fructose corn syrup tonic this time.

But beyond that, yeah, sure, give it to the food bank.

They'll tell you if that's not something they accept.

This comes down to a court of judge John Hodgman precedent with regard to whether or not it's okay to fill up,

to refill your cup at the fountain soda

machine or to just get seltzer with your own bottle or whatever it is.

And people come to a podcast to ask for a moral ruling when it's very, very easy to just find out what the truth is, ask.

You know,

asking in the way, the best way to help, of course, is asking in the way you are asked to help.

And sometimes that involves you asking people who are doing the work how to help.

And, you know, the easiest solution to this would have been to go to your neighbor who volunteers at the food bank and say, do you think the food bank wants this?

And if your neighbor says, sure, or I don't think so, They say no, then guess what?

Give the neighbor the tonic.

You know, don't tell them about the corn syrup.

Don't tell them about the corn syrup.

They probably don't even know.

And you know what you add?

Add a bottle of Plymouth gin

as a tribute to your neighbor's good work, unless they're non-drinkers or whatever.

You know, that's how you find out things is you ask.

There are a few things, John, that make me more mad.

And this is not a case of this, but there are a few things that make me more mad than people

shaming folks who get food assistance over what they are using their food assistance for.

You know, you hear these stories about,

you know, oh, I saw somebody paying with food stamps or paying with EBT

who was buying four big steaks or whatever.

First of all, you know, anecdote is anecdote.

It's not a useful sign of what people are actually doing on the whole.

And second of all, let people make their own choices.

And the result of this hysteria is that food benefits uh are are the target of cuts across this country have been for some time to the point where uh they were those cuts were so capricious that a court had to stop them from going into effect uh earlier this year at the start of the pandemic and

you know giving people money to buy food is the single most effective way to alleviate the suffering of poverty.

It is more effective than food banks will tell you the same thing.

Food banks will say,

We're here because

there's excesses in the food system that we can help manage and get food that it would otherwise go to waste to people who need it, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

But if you want to do something about hunger, just give people unrestricted money to use to buy food.

And so,

yeah, I'm really like, and I also just think

as a person who

spent part of his childhood in

what we'll call semi-poverty,

I never felt food insecure, though.

I think I probably was at some times.

As a person who spent his childhood in semi-poverty, I really believe

that

poor people deserve pleasure as well.

Yeah.

And they need that sweet quinine in the tonic water.

That's a natural anti-malarial.

That's an issue in their lives.

I mean, I think the real question at the heart of all of this, John, is

it's weird that tonic water is a thing.

Oh, Jennifer Marmer's giving us a heavy nod there, a Joel Manish heavy nod across a continent.

Tonic water in the 21st century,

outside of the context of a tropical world without anti-malarial drugs, is really a challenge food.

Yeah.

I would say this, Barbara and Barbara's husband, you're not Marie Antoinette.

You're doing a wonderful thing by thinking to donate food that you can't use for whatever reason to a food bank.

And I agree with my bailiff and yours, Jesse Thorne, that the food bank can distribute that food however it sees fit.

I agree with myself that if you have a question about what is suitable or not for the food bank, there's an easy way to find out.

And it's not asking a podcast.

It's asking your neighbor.

And then I think you can ask yourself, especially in this time of year and in this year of years,

can I do a little bit more?

You know, I appreciate it's something that we all have to ask ourselves because when you see and you hear the stories of people lining up at 3 a.m.

to get leftover tonic water from a food bank or actual nourishing food right

it's just hard

so maybe go a little bit further maybe push yourself a little bit to go beyond your neighbor and contact the food bank itself maybe maybe ask the food bank what it needs in support what is the kind of food bank that the food bank really wants or it finds most valuable to distribute and order a case of that food for them right or volunteer some time or just give money to the food bank or other programs that are alleviating poverty and food insecurity.

I mean that fever tree tonic,

that's super good tonic water.

I like tonic water.

I'm not like Jesse Thorne.

I like it.

And I think I know the brand that you're referring to.

And I think it's, I don't think I fucked those corn syrup.

Fever tree.

It's got a cool name.

It's a tree that's got a fever.

Not very popular right now, I realize, but it's a good, good name, good bottle.

They make a good ginger beer, I think.

I'd love for them to be a sponsor of this podcast.

In any case, this is not to shame you.

This is only to

hear you, appreciate you,

and

maybe you consider making a more direct contact with the problem.

And I'm saying that as a challenge to myself as much as to you, Barbara, to make a more direct hands-on contact with the problem and help in the way

that people who are working on the problem ask you to help.

I think you'll feel better if you do.

By the way, I want to give a shout out to all of the Maximum Fund members who bought pins this year.

You might have heard a promo on a Maximum Fund show, but I'll say it here in the body of the program.

Our members in buying pins and us in selling those pins and, you know, having them designed and et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, raised very close to $100,000

for Give Directly who do exactly the thing that we were just talking about.

Give Directly essentially chooses people who qualify for public assistance at random and gives them direct cash grants,

which is the lowest overhead, most effective way to alleviate poverty in most instances.

They have a COVID-19 relief program that we raised almost 100 grand for.

And I'm really proud of MaxFund's community for making happen because that's a lot of people's lives changed by something as stupid as pins.

So thanks, everybody.

Yeah, thank you very much, listeners.

Joel Mann, is there an organization,

a food relief organization here in Maine that...

There's the Emmaus Center, that's in Ellsworth, and then there's Home right up here across the street.

Yeah.

Both two really worthy causes.

Yeah.

What's the first one again, Colin?

The Emma Center.

Emaeus?

Emmaus.

Emmaus.

Emmaus.

Oh, E-M-M-A.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We'll put it in the show notes.

Okay.

All these organizations will be in the show notes, Barbara.

If you and your husband want to make yourself a vodka tonic and

then kind of, you know, maybe have a second one.

And then all of a sudden you're typing in an extra couple of figures in that donation form, you know what I mean?

And then you'll feel, and then you'll cheers to yourselves for being a terrific involved citizen.

Finally, we heard from a couple of listeners in response to a case we heard in episode 493, Mr.

Clicky Keys.

In that episode, we ruled on a case about picking up baby pacifiers with one's toes.

Katie is a doctoral student of biological anthropology and sent in some scientific advice.

She says, yeah, agreed.

Wow.

That's the only appropriate response to that.

Biological anthropology.

Biological anthropology.

That's incredible.

Please tell the foot dad that if he's concerned about his baby's microbiome, he should lick the pacifier instead of showing off his circus skills.

I like this one because it comes from a place of science and contempt for circus skills.

I like this one too because

it gets in, it does the job, it gives information, it totally needles that dad.

And no offense to Sarah, the Canadian veterinarian, and cat mom to Jack and Sophie.

Letters short.

Boom.

In and out.

Zip, zip, zip.

Love it.

I love hearing from everybody.

I love it.

I really do.

And if you've got something you need to get off your chest, go ahead.

We're all reaching out and trying to make connections during this dark time.

We all wish, we don't all have a cocoa on our laps right now.

So, you know, please do write to express yourself.

But yeah, you know, I'm a human being who reads these things.

Take some time.

Take some time.

Thank you.

Katie also sent us a link to an article on this subject from Science Daily that we will post on the Judge John Hodgman page at maximumfund.org.

It's a summary of a study from the University of Gothenburg,

which suggests that exposure to harmless bacteria during infancy may be protective against the development of allergy, which is, I think, what Foot Dad was arguing.

And

that one way to harmlessly expose children and infants to bacteria would be

by exposing them to the mouth stuff

of the parents by licking the pacifier.

Yeah.

And you have to suck on the pacifier and then give it to the baby.

You can't just take it to your favorite rave spots.

Yeah, no, don't Bogart the passy.

Same with the Vicks Vapo rub.

Save that for when the kids got a cold.

You know, there are many, many reasons that I miss my mom, who is no longer alive.

But one of them.

First and foremost among them, John, she loved to rave.

She loved to rave.

But one of the reasons that I miss her is that I believe that she told me that when she was sick, her mother, my nanan,

would make her eat a spoonful of Vicks Vaporub.

Oh, whoa.

You ever hear that, Joel Mann?

No.

No.

Because, you know, there are probably a lot of home cures up here in Maine.

Buttleg.

Vicks Vapo Munch.

And when I said this to

people

after my mom had passed away, they met me with the same shock and disbelief that you all have met me with.

And I don't know whether this was a true memory or not.

And I wish I could ask my mom, is that, did I make that up?

Or did you truly have to eat Vicks Vaporub when you were sick in Philadelphia?

We'll never know.

But you know what?

This is for Judge John Hodgman late nights.

You put a little molly in the Vicks Vapo Rub, you're going to have a good rave.

Then we heard from Margaret, who says, also consider oral thrush in babies is a fungal infection.

If eight-month-old Thomas's dad happens to have athlete's foot, he could conceivably give the baby thrush by touching the pacifier with his toes.

That's no fun for anyone.

I can't believe we didn't work the promise of oral thrush into the tees for this section.

Yeah, that really put the

into our

bring that beat back.

You know what I say about this letter?

Ditto.

Short and sweet.

Love it.

Thank you, Margaret.

Appreciate it.

I just want to give a shout out.

You know, this was on that Clicky keyboard episode where I talked about how I bought a clicky keyboard at the thrift store one day.

Yeah.

And I love to use it.

And I do.

I do love to use it.

And I specifically said:

keyboard nerds, don't send me your keyboard tweets.

What happened?

I bought my keyboard at the thrift store.

I don't know what kind it is.

I don't want to talk about keyboards more.

I do not want to become a keyboard nerd.

I just want to have this clicky keyboard.

I would say 12 to 18 keyboard nerds contacted me regarding their

particular clicky keyboard preferences.

Just to tell you about their rig or to ask you questions?

Both.

They wanted to share.

I got shared so many pictures of rigs.

Yeah.

So many rig pics were shared with me.

You know who uses a clicky?

Who's that?

Linda Holmes.

The great Linda Holmes from NPR's Pop Culture Happy Hour.

She tweeted to me

that she used a Clicky keyboard.

She got one.

She sent me a picture of her rig.

They're great, and you can tell on Judge John Hodgman probably anytime that I'm accessing a website because of how noisy my keyboard is.

What I love about coming here to the studios of WERU and Orland, Maine, is

I can really boost the monitor.

And so

I hear my keyboard in the microphone really loud in my ears, and it's so satisfying to hear boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

Our thanks to Katie and Margaret for writing in

are no thanks to the keyboard nerds who added me.

Yeah, but listen, keyboard nerds who have an overlap with music skills, if you can make a rave song composed entirely out of clicky keyboard sounds and send it, that would make me very happy.

We need that.

We need profound questions asked by toddlers.

I don't need any pictures of cats cuddling together anymore.

I got that covered.

And if you need anything from me, write me.

How about that?

Yeah.

The docket's clear.

That's it for another episode of Judge John Hodgman.

Our producer is Jennifer Marmer.

Our engineer in Maine is Joel Mann, program and operations manager at WERU Community Radio in Orland, Maine.

You can listen to weru at weru.org and you can follow Joel on Instagram.

His handle is the main man.

That's M-A-I-N-E-M-A-N-N.

Follow us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Hodgman.

We're on Instagram at judgejohnhodgman.

Make sure to hashtag your judgejohodgman tweets, hashtag jjho.

And check out the maximum fun subreddit at maximumfund.reddit.com to discuss this episode and share pics of your clicky keyboards.

Submit your cases at maximumfund.org slash jjho or email hodgman at maximumfun.org.

And we'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

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