Stick and Move and No New Butterfinger

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

We're in chambers this week, clearing the docket.

With me, as always, is the world's tallest man, Judge John Hodgman.

Jesse Thorne, you know what I say to that introduction?

Who cares that I'm here because there is someone else here?

Yes, yes.

I mean, we're going to fight to introduce this person.

She is a hero to both of us.

Of course.

An unstoppably funny comedian.

I think it's Amelia Earhart.

That's your guess as to who it is.

Okay, we'll find out.

John, keep going.

She's saying Amelia Earhart.

You know her from Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, but what you don't know.

Sorry, John, I think it's probably Amelia Bedelia.

Go ahead, John.

Oh, you were so close.

We got two votes for Amelia's.

But when you don't know, that show is edited down, right?

And you don't appreciate that even though this person is so, so, so funny off the cuff and on the cuff, all around the cuff on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me.

What they edit out is usually 40 to 50 minutes of pure comedy gold.

I sat there back when they let me be a guest on that show instead of being a panelist.

Get at me, Peter Sagel.

I had to sit in the audience for an extra 30 minutes while this person riffed, did 30 minutes of honestly off the cuff astronaut comedy.

One of the most amazing things I've ever seen.

Listeners to the podcast, please welcome Paula Poundstone.

Paula, it's a joy to have you on the show.

Well, thank you

so much.

What a lovely introduction.

Thank you.

Now, I have to ask you this, Paula, before we get into the docket, and we're going to clear the docket in just a second.

But it's not often that you get a comedy legend on your program.

And of course, you have the Max On podcast.

Nobody listens to Paula Poundstone.

So, you know, I'd like to think that we could give you a call and invite you over to come on

to see that.

It's not often that the occasion for a comedy legend coming on your podcast is the release of a candy bar-themed rap single.

You have a new song

specifically because you're upset about the new recipe for butterfingers.

It's called Not My Butterfinger.

It's a rap song.

How did it come to your attention even that there was a new recipe for butterfingers?

Because I love butterfingers and I was on the road.

Crispity, crunchity, beana buttery?

How can you resist it?

Crispity crunchity.

I love the fun size.

So I was on the road and I got even a better than the fun size.

It was the butterfinger chips.

And I had gone into a store and I came out with a bag of butterfinger chips.

I couldn't have been happier.

I'm a big fan of a butterfinger BB.

Give me a butterfinger BB any day.

What was a BB?

It's like a little spherical butterfinger.

Oh, oh, but wait till you find out what's happened.

Okay.

All right, so I pop one in my mouth and it tastes awful.

And I'm looking for the date on the bag.

I'm thinking, oh my God, I've gotten like a bad, you know, I'm ready to march back in there and get my money back and then some.

A little something extra for mama.

I was ready to sue the

out of them.

And then I look carefully and there's a red corner on the bag.

That is not good news.

And there it says, new improved recipe.

Sickening.

Oh my gosh.

You know, what is there to hope for?

What is there to live for when, you know, Butterfinger doesn't make a good candy bar anymore?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And the thing is, had anybody ever complained about it before?

Had anybody ever, you know, these, you know what these need is a new recipe?

No, we were happy.

That's just make work for some big candy executive who needs to justify his or her position.

Well, it turns out that Butterfingers were bought by a different company.

I think it's called like Ferraro or something.

Ferrara Candy formed in a 2012 merger of Ferrara Pan Candy and Farley's and Sather's Candy Company.

Farley's and Sathers.

I didn't know this.

Ferrara is the ones that make lemon heads, red hots, and Boston baked beans.

None of which are meant to go in the mouth.

That's a candy exclusively for throwing at your teacher.

Yeah, those are not good candies.

Oh.

I got to tell you, well, as a result of the travesty that is the new Butterfinger, I have jettisoned to the Heath Bar.

And so I was driving, in fact, to tape Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone, which we tape in North Hollywood, and it is an enormous schlep from my house.

So I'm driving and driving and driving.

And I had a bag of the small heath bars.

So I, you know, tear one open and I'm chewing on it.

And all of a sudden, there's like, I bite into something that I can't bite into, that I can't get my teeth through.

And I'm like, uh-oh.

I try again.

And then still, not.

So I spit it out and I look at it like, my God, it's a tooth.

And I think, wait a minute, there was a tooth in my heath bar.

Oh, no.

And I was like, okay.

And then I'm reaching behind me in the car trying to find the wrapper.

I'm like, okay, because I am sending this, I'm going to sue this out of Heath Bar.

So I'm gonna collect the wrapper it came in, you know, so that I have my evidence.

But I think now that I know that you could potentially bite into a Heath bar and find a part of a tooth in it, would I still take the risk of eating Heath bars?

And I decided, yes.

I would because, you know, I haven't heard of it happening before.

It's not like a well-known phenomenon.

No, so exactly.

Like, I cleared that out of my way.

You know, it's like lightning striking twice.

It's not going to happen.

And as I'm having these thoughts, my tongue falls into a hole in my mouth.

And I realize, it was my tooth.

I went through with the lawsuit anyways, and I'll tell you why.

I love that we've uncovered that Paula Poundstone has a secret ambition to sue a candy company.

It's like, hey, I haven't heard Paula Poundstone on Wait Wait, don't tell me.

She doesn't seem to be touring that much anymore.

Oh, you didn't hear?

She retired.

She pulled a slip and fall in in front of the Neka Wafer Company.

Made $10 million.

She's done.

I don't think you even need to pull a slip and fall in front of the NECA Wafer.

You can just sue them for how bad their candy is.

How dare you?

It's a beautiful candy.

Guys, we're talking taffy.

We're talking candy dots.

And we're clearing the docket on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Here's something from Charlie.

He says, someone sideswiped my car the other day, but did the stand-up thing and left a note offering to pay the entire repair cost.

All told, it'll cost him $300 to $500.

My inclination is to cover a portion of the cost myself, maybe $50, to recognize them doing the responsible thing and leaving a note, when it would have been quite easy for them to get away with it.

I asked my mom if this seemed reasonable to her.

She thought I was being too soft.

Am I being too soft or is my mom being too hard?

I love it that Charlie exists.

I love that a 20-something millennial has this approach.

I was in a wreck one time, just a fender bender in a parking lot at the Red Aid.

I think there was a woman backing out.

I was going through the parking lot, and she backed out when it wasn't her turn.

We both got out of our cars, and she said, I don't know what the rules are, but it wasn't my fault.

Fold claim.

Yeah.

That was a 20-something years ago.

That was a Gen Xer.

You know, the millennials have kicked the experience of being 20-somethings up a notch.

I like that.

I say take the money for the repairs, but maybe give them some candy.

That's my thought.

Maybe some Heath bars.

You know, they don't have teeth in them.

That's the new slogan of Heath Bars.

Heath Bars, sponsor the Judge Sean Hodgman podcast.

Now with no teeth.

No, it's not now with no teeth because technically it was my tooth.

So it's Heath Bars.

Heath bars, we've never had teeth.

Heath bars, they they don't bite back.

That's a good one.

Oh, there we go.

Oh my goodness.

Heathbar, come sponsor Judge Hodgman.

So Judge Hodgman, is Charlie being too soft or too hard?

No, I love Charlie too, Paula Poundstone.

I mean, I'm a generation Xer.

I'm a slacker.

You know what I mean?

We're the passed over generation.

The millennials are often criticized for being sensitive and woke and everything else, but they seem to be a generation of true empaths.

They really care about how everyone's feeling, And I think that's really the good thing.

They're not all, you know, smash and grab, me, me, me, greedy, baby boomer types who just want to sue candy companies all the time.

Yeah, yeah.

I've known that ilk.

I think Charlie's impulse is wonderful.

I don't think it's necessary.

I mean, it may have been a millennial who sideswiped Charlie and is also stepping up to do the right thing.

Like, this is my fault.

If you were an anti-SJW edgy comic, you would be saying that they were trying to outwoke each other by paying each other more money for the one thing that went wrong or whatever.

Now they're going to have like a 12 days of Christmas thing.

Like every day one's going to give the other a gift, you know, five golden rings, you know, turtle doves, just stuff's going to just keep piling up on one another's doorstep.

Like, no, it is I who should give you, you know, a partridge and a pear tree.

No, no, it is I.

Gee, I hope to get in a wreck with a millennial.

Yeah, these millennial snowflakes are having a virtue signal war, but I think they're both decent young people.

You know, what I would say is that Charlie should reach out to the person.

First of all, anyone listening, you know, if you, if you ding or damage someone else's car properly, leave a note and, you know, do your best, if it's within your means, to take care of the damage yourself.

Or contact Charlie.

Because Charlie paid for part of it.

Yeah, Charlie's a light touch.

Yeah, you're absolutely right.

Yeah.

And then Charlie, I would say, get in contact with the person and say, this is a really nice gesture.

May I offer to ship in this money or donate some money to a charity that you care about?

Because I just want to honor the gesture that you've made.

And then despite his own mother, Charlie and the side swiper should become best friends.

Yeah, I love this

story.

As a woke millennial myself, John, can I offer a possible alternate structure?

Sure.

Go ahead, avocado toast.

I love Paula's suggestion of offering candy.

I don't know if candy is necessarily the right thing, but I think that Charlie's instinct to offer some consideration to this person feels dead on to me.

Yeah.

But I am not convinced that money is the answer here.

I think a nice note and possibly some kind of small thoughtful gift after all is said and done that just acknowledges, hey, this could have been a lot more hassle for everybody had you not left that nice note and, you know, and actually paid for everything when you said you were.

I really appreciate it.

Here's a gift certificate to a local ice cream place or whatever.

I think something post facto would be a nice way of acknowledging it.

That all sounds good to me until you went dairy.

Years ago, my kids and I, we found somebody's wallet, and they did send me a gift.

It was like a

bread thing, I forget, which was lovely.

But my point is that they also sent me a really nice note, and I've had that note taped up in my room ever since.

So, Charlie, if you don't want to go dairy,

just acknowledging it with a note would be a valuable thing.

Just to recap, Charlie, I suggested maybe donating to a charity of the sideswiper's choice.

Jesse suggested, you know, some kind of dairy trigger.

Yeah.

And a nice note.

I think Paula suggested a nice note.

I think we all agree that your instinct is absolutely correct.

A gesture that will honor the sideswiper's decency is called for.

And I think that just paying back a little bit of the money feels a little hollow compared to the other things that we suggested.

So you're wrong, Charlie.

Your mom's right.

Find another way to give back to the most decent sideswiper of all.

Jeremy says, please help resolve a debate between my girlfriend and me.

When I buy fresh produce at the supermarket, priced by the pound, I remove the extraneous leaves, stems, and other detritus before bagging them up, particularly with bunches of radishes and tomatoes on the vine.

I dispose of the stems by the produce, visible to employees, but not in the way of other shoppers.

I guess next to the the box?

I hate the idea of adding tasks to the supermarket employee's job, but they don't provide waste bins and the employees have to straighten up the produce display regardless.

I believe it's unfair to pay for garbage that will only be thrown away at home.

My girlfriend is mortified when I do this.

She says these bits are part of the product and paying for them is a cost of doing business.

And two, that removing the stems is tantamount to opening the packaging before buying something from a store.

What say you, Judge Hodgman?

So, Paula, are you as sufficiently confused as I am as to what Jeremy is doing in the supermarket, or do you understand what's going on?

Well, I'm not sure where he's putting the, what did he say, debt debt?

The detritus.

The detritus.

I never heard of the word detritus before, but I assume it's in Ohio.

I don't know where he's putting it, but I have to say, I never thought of that before.

The idea that if you're buying something by the pound and it comes with the useless stuff that you're just going to throw throw away when you get it home, I have to say, I think that's kind of genius.

If we've learned anything so far in this episode, it's that our friend Paula Poundstone has schemes.

Apparently, I didn't have enough of them because this is Shirley Brilliant.

Now, whenever I'm at the grocery store, I'm coring those pineapples.

I just bring a core,

don't want to pay for what's not useful.

Most of the pineapple gets thrown out the way I do it, anyways.

Judge Hodgman, I think what's happening is Jeremy is removing everything but the fruit itself, that actual tomato, and putting it next to the produce box because, as he points out, they don't provide a place to throw it away.

Well, I actually wrote back to Jeremy, and I forgot to mention this to Hannah Smith, our producer, that I wrote back to him.

This is for real because I was like, what?

What kind of, I'm not clear what you're talking about.

What veggies and stems are we talking about?

And he said, tomatoes.

He said, this particularly comes into play with tomatoes and bunches of fresh radishes, where he'll load the small plastic bag provided with only the radish or the tomato and tear off the stems and leaves and just sort of leave them gently aside like as if you you know as if you were going in to buy apples and then using one of those fancy spiral apple peelers to take off all the leaves yeah exactly to peel it right yeah i appreciate paula your your gesture towards thrift in not paying for something you don't want and also sneakiness in getting away with something

But we also have a settled principle here at Judge John Hodgman that one should be mindful of the work they leave behind for others.

And what troubles me about Jeremy is he knows he's leaving work behind for others.

He knows that he's leaving extra tidying up for the people who work at the store.

And he's doing it anyway.

And there is another error that Jeremy is making, which is that there isn't a lot of use for tomato stems.

I'll grant you that, Jeremy.

I'll grant you that.

But radish leaves are perfectly edible.

Radish greens you can make into a radish green pesto.

Radish greens you can roast along with radishes.

You can do all kinds of things with radish greens.

They're great.

Just like carrot tops too, Jeremy.

Don't be wasteful.

Do you understand me?

Yeah, I mean, like, but also the grocery store is setting their prices on the basis of people not acting like a crazy person and cleaning and

separating their foods at the stand.

I mean, just as they would, you know, you would charge one price for shelled walnuts and one price for unshelled or whatever.

Like, the grocery store is setting their price, presuming that no one is trying to beat the system.

I just feel like this is a classic case of a guy trying to beat the system.

It's a scheme.

Ultimately, it's making an unsightly mess that someone else has to clean up.

I don't see this couple staying together.

I don't know if that's break them up.

I don't know if that's for another show, but I see

Jeremy and the girlfriend splitting up very soon.

You know, if we've learned one thing on the Judge John Hodgman program, it's that often husbands have other redeeming qualities.

I will say that Jeremy himself has a number of redeeming qualities, not least of which is that he is a longtime supporter of maximum fund.

So I will say his first and last name because his name is Jeremy Frank.

Do you know him?

Yeah, I know Jeremy Frank.

How do you know Jeremy Frank?

Oh, he comes to Max FunCon.

He's a very active Maximum Fun supporter.

Okay, I'm not the judge, but I rule against Jeremy Frank and his weird scheme.

I rule against Jeremy Frank, too.

I thank you for your support, Jeremy.

You named one of the great case names of all time, Snicker Due Diligence.

I name you and I shame you because, one, you're doing it wrong.

And two, I know, Jeremy, that even in the context of shame, you will enjoy having your name read out loud on the podcast.

Jeremy Frank, I judge against thee.

Let's take a quick break.

More items on the docket coming up in just a minute on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members, of course.

Thank you so much for your support of this podcast and all of your favorite podcasts at maximumfund.org, and they are all your favorites.

If you want to join the many member supporters of this podcast and this network, boy, oh boy, that would be fantastic.

Just go to maximumfun.org/slash join.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by Made In.

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Let them know Jesse and John sent you.

Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

We're clearing the docket with

Paula Poundstone recording artist Paula Poundstone from the Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone podcast.

We've got something here from Pedro.

He says, I manage the family cell phone plan, and I recently transferred to a new carrier.

I transferred five lines, mine, my wife, my father, my mother, and my brother.

The new carrier gave me a promotional gift card for moving the lines, $100 for each line for a total of $500,

on a debit card which will arrive around Christmas.

My brother has already claimed $100 of it, but I'm not too keen on this plan because I did all the work.

He lives in Chicago, so I had to mail the sim out to him.

Also, the phone he's using is a hand-me-down I gave him after I upgraded my phone.

Besides paying his portion of the monthly bill, he didn't do anything to earn the promotional credit.

I'd like the judge to allow me to stake full claim of the promotional credit.

Wow, this is a glimpse into a world I knew nothing about.

Phone churning for cash.

Yeah, I don't know about this either.

Paul is excited.

New scheme.

Yeah, when you switch.

And if there's any part of the phone that you're not going to use, take it apart and leave it on the side of the display case.

And

you don't pay by the pound.

I'm not big on when something happens and somebody goes, Oh, I want part of that.

My daughter did that to me just the other day.

Really?

I said that I was receiving some money for doing something, and she actually said to me, Can I have it?

Which I credit her with only one thing, and that was at least it was direct.

Were you getting your annual settlement check from Three Musketeers?

Yeah, it lacks the subtlety of a signature Paula Poundstone scheme.

Yeah, yeah, no, I liked it.

I liked it that it was direct.

I have to give her that.

But anyway, so for me, I'm bringing some of my own baggage to it, I think.

The fact that it's a brother.

Right, because you expect a child to be a mooch and a taker.

Yeah.

That's their job.

You know, a friend of mine had a boat, and he told me a boat is a hole in the ocean that you pour money into.

And let me tell you, you know, a kid is a hole in the universe that just sucks your bank account dry.

Right.

It's not just your money it takes.

It's also your life force.

Oh, my God.

It takes everything.

Takes a cudgel to your heart.

Yeah.

But to be fair to this brother, this brother is paying his fair share of the bill, as are the other members of the family.

So wait, why is it all on one bill?

Why is his brother's bill on one bill?

Because they have a scheme that they worked out together.

Here's what I got to say.

Pedro's brother is obviously a mooch.

You're a mooch, Pedro's bro.

These are all grown people.

His wife, his father, his mother, and his brother.

They don't even live in the same city.

And Pedro's like, I've got to manage the family phone account.

You brought this on yourself.

These are all adults who could be handling their own biz.

Pedro, I think what John is trying to say, and I've never seen John this fired up before, if you give them the answers, Pedro, how will they learn?

Yeah.

You have conditioned your brother to be a mooch, Pedro, and you should have cut him off long ago.

What do you think, Jesse?

I'm going to be frank.

I think I might be diverging from the two of you.

Uh-oh, boy.

Uh-oh.

Okay, here we go.

Jesse, as it turns out, manages an entire branch of his family trees, phones.

Multi-generational phone manager, Jesse Thorne.

I think that Pedro took on this responsibility willingly.

I think this is his scheme that he came up with in order to save himself money.

And he roped all these disparate family members into stretching the very boundaries of the rules to the point where he has family members across this great nation roped into his family plan.

I don't think he's breaking the rules.

I'm fine with this.

You know, I think the telecom companies have planned for this.

I don't think it's a surprise to them.

I think he does this because he wants to do it, because he saves money doing it.

I don't think this is a tremendous burden on him.

I think he's a guy that loves schemes.

And I think that everyone is paying their fair share.

And when there's a benefit, everybody should get their fair share.

You think that everyone should be paid their fair share by Pedro?

Yeah, I think so.

That's my feeling.

Or they should, you know,

put it towards a family vacation or donate it to charity or something.

I just presume because of the person I am that Pedro took on extra responsibility in order to have emotional leverage over his family so that he could control them.

Oh,

yeah.

He's putting the squeeze on Pedro's brother.

But you're saying it's all about money.

All right.

I think for Pedro, it's about power.

I think he likes to have a scheme.

He likes to be in charge of it.

That none of this is actually a great burden to him, although it may take time.

He had to mail a SIM card.

Yeah.

I think that Pedro is paid for the logistical burden he bears in power and in being the guy who gets to decide what phone plan they have.

If anyone has differing interests, he's the one who gets to pick the one that is best for him and his wife or whatever.

Of course, if I rule in Pedro's brother's favor, then Pedro has to pay out to all of his family members.

Yeah, I think so.

Because that's precedent.

You know what I think is amazing?

This is not a lot to go on, and yet both Jesse the bailiff and the honorable John Hodgman, the judge, have created an entire family story out of this, where there's resentments, there's a lot of filling in that you're doing for the jury.

Just sort of fascinated by how you guys have filled in any possible empty spaces between these pieces of information.

You've created full characters out of a man that we only know as Pedro's brother.

Full, rich characters.

Here is my point.

I want Pedro's brother to have a name.

I want Pedro's brother to be a full, independent human being, to get out from the web of codependence that Pedro himself has woven with the cell phone plan.

I want Pedro's brother to be like, I don't want your $100.

I want my own life, bro.

Rise up.

Rise up.

But I'm very torn.

Here's what I'm going to order.

You have to pay $100 to your father, to your mother, to your wife, and to your brother.

And that is punishment for revealing to them that you got this bonus in the first place.

You should be kept with a secret.

Come on, Pedro.

And as damages, Pedro, if your brother does live in Chicago, I'm going to be at the Chicago Humanities Festival presenting my book, Medallion Status, True Stories from Secret Rooms, on November the 3rd of this very year, 2019.

You can find out the details, Pedro, at johnhodgman.com/slash Tori.

You have to buy your brother a ticket to my thing.

There are student tickets at $10, or if you're a good brother,

buy him a VIP package that comes with a book.

But that's damages on top of the $100.

Wow.

He's really thrown the book at him.

Yeah, next time, don't brag about your secret refunds.

Here's something from Elizabeth.

My husband thinks trash cans in the bathroom are disgusting.

After he had to empty a particularly full one this past trash day, he actually threw the entire can away.

He doesn't want to replace it and expects me to carry all bathroom trash to our kitchen can.

We're a family of five with two daughters, and our bathroom is the most frequented one in the house.

I want Judge Hodgman to order my husband to allow a bathroom trash can in each bathroom and an injunction against him raising this issue in the future.

Oh my gosh.

Elizabeth, I will come to where you live and support you.

I will be the Greta Thunberg of your house.

I will sit outside your husband's room with a sign that says bathroom trash cans rule.

Yes.

It's a good sign, catchy slogan.

Let's stick with it.

That's a ridiculous idea not to have a trash can in the bathroom.

You have to understand, Paula, that there is a long history on this podcast of women writing in to say that their spouses, particularly their male spouses, have ridiculous ideas about how to do things.

And I think particularly a long history of, in heterosexual couples,

husbands who come up with a system that does not accommodate the different ways that women experience the world.

I want to address this because I have read some comments recently all around the internet, not a lot, but a couple of comments that suggest that this is a selection bias on my part.

Because when you write to me at hodgman at maximumfund.org or submit a case at maximumfund.org slash jjho, I read those things and I select them.

And people are saying like, well, he just picks the ones in which the husbands are all trash can throwing away creeps.

But you're telling me that the raw data, like the stuff that just comes in unedited in any way, is a large percentage of these God-awful stories.

Are a lot of them about the bathroom trash can?

No,

this is the first one, and I dare say an extreme example of having, of building a new system by getting rid of all systems altogether.

I think it's fair to assert, John, and correct me if I'm wrong, that you are engaged in an active affirmative action program trying to find

wives with schemes just to balance it out a little bit.

Wow.

I'm actively scanning constantly.

I take no pleasure in saying this, but I have now observed, what is it, almost nine years of data, and the scatter graph is very clear.

The behavior cluster is husbands are weird.

And I have learned a lot from this data.

So if you're out there on the internet about to leave a comment that I'm selecting these cases to tell a story as a master storyteller and storycrafter, obviously I do that, but I'm not doing this to tell a story.

I've learned from the data and I've become a better person as a result.

Think about it.

Don't throw out the trash can, dude.

Come on.

That's absurd.

When we come back, we'll have more with our pal Paula Poundstone from Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone.

It's the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

You know, we've been doing my brother, my brother, me for 15 years, and

maybe you stopped listening for a while, maybe you never listened, and you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years.

I know where this has ended up.

But no.

no, you would be wrong.

We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing.

Yeah, you don't even really know how crypto works.

The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on my brother, my brother, and me.

We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

And if not, we just leave it out back and goes rotten.

So check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined.

No, no, no.

It's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Lollum.

I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

We've got Paula Poundstone here from the Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone podcast on Maximum Fun, and we are clearing the docket.

Here is something from Marta.

Whenever we, or even just he, have to travel, he waits until midnight the night before the trip to pack.

He turns on all the lights in the bedroom after I've gone to sleep, wakes me up, and asks me to tell him what to pack.

Then he wants to weigh the pros and cons of each item.

I tell him to pack, and then he questions if he really needs to bring the things that I told him to pack.

He's only responsible for packing his clothing, toiletries, and electronics.

I organize and pack all the other things, including gifts for his family when we travel to visit them in Bangladesh.

His packing habits have made me anxious for the entirety of our 12-year relationship.

I would like the judge to order that my husband must finish packing by 10 p.m.

the day prior to travel.

Additionally, when he asks me for advice on what to pack, he cannot then question my advice.

Now, it could be, Paula Poundstone, that Marta is advising her husband to pack ambrosia salad and gummy worms.

Yeah, exactly.

Get the vines from the tomato plants.

Honey, put those in there.

Don't throw those radish greens away.

Pack them.

You'll want them in Bangladesh.

Honey, did you put the bird seed in in case we see some birds?

Yeah.

There's some details that aren't in here, by the way.

Yeah, I think the main detail is: does he also shine floodlights into the bedroom and like play loud, heavy metal music on loop?

This is like a psyops campaign he's running.

She says that he turns on all the lights in the bedroom after she's gone to sleep.

So like I'm going to pack tonight to go to work in the morning and I'm going to get picked up at about 3.30 in the morning to head to the airport.

And there's a possibility that I'll be rushing to finish packing before 3.30 in the morning.

So my question would be, what time is her husband able to start packing?

Because I'm a little sympathetic to the waits to pack until midnight thing.

It may be that he's busy.

Everyone has different packing procedures and requirements.

I like to pack the morning of.

I hate packing the night before.

Well, how can you pack the morning of?

You are a confusing man.

So you like to get to the airport hours early, but you also like to pack the morning of?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'll get up earlier so that I can pack the morning of, unless my flight is so early that it would be disruptive to my wife's sleep.

Oh, that's very caring.

In which case, I will make the sacrifice of packing the night before.

I don't know why I don't like to pack the night before.

To me, it just feels,

you know, I don't know.

I just like to pretend that it's the end of a regular day.

But for a regular old trip, I'll pack the morning of, so long as I'm traveling late enough that it's not disruptive to the sleep schedules of my loved ones.

I don't like to travel late.

Got to get on the first flight out because that way there you can stick and move when something goes wrong.

And let me tell you: be able to stick and move.

Something goes wrong.

Here's an important thing that Marta might want to embroider into it, like a sampler that you could hang on the wall, maybe just over her husband's bed.

Packing and writing always take longer than you think they're going to.

Right.

That's just something to keep in mind.

Yeah.

Especially if she's sending them on some sort of scavenger hunt for things to pack.

That's what it sounds like.

Can I suggest a second thing to put on the sampler right underneath?

Yes.

If you're flying, you got to have room to stick and move.

Yeah, got to have room to stick and move.

That's true.

You do.

We definitely have a title for this episode, which is Stick and Move and No New Butterfinger.

Marta's husband, you are allowed whatever process you require in order to pack in the way that you want to pack.

Late at night, early in the morning,

you know,

long period of time of consideration, or just throwing a whole bunch of ambrosia salad into a pillowcase and grabbing an Uber to the airport, whatever you need to do.

But as in all issues within cohabitation and a lifelong partnership, you need to be considerate of the other person.

And you have been torturing your wife for 12 years with this.

You have to make an adjustment.

You cannot pack at midnight and wake her up.

And you cannot do that thing thing that so many spouses do, but should not, which is ask for advice and then say that the advice is wrong.

Take the advice or don't, but just accept the advice as given and then make your move.

You don't get to put the responsibility onto her and not do what she suggests.

You can't get to have both of those things.

Like, obviously, when you ask your wife, what do you think I should bring?

What you're trying to do is make it so that if she doesn't say swimming suit and then you get there and there's a pool, it's her fault.

But you're not even accepting the things things that she's suggesting, right?

So, obviously, she loves you very much.

For 12 years, this relationship has been going on, and I trust that you love her very much.

And you don't want a situation where you have total packing freedom, because that is a situation in which you live alone.

Pack before 10, just as Marta asks, and accept advice, move on.

Okay, we have a letter from a listener in response to episode 432, Dowager Mayer, about neighborly etiquette and the responsibility of greeting one's neighbor when you move into a new neighborhood.

Zach says, my wife and I bought a house in a rapidly gentrifying neighborhood in Philadelphia a couple of years ago.

We made a point to reach out to our neighbors before we even bought the house.

We were trying to be conscious of our status as new inhabitants on a block of people who have lived there for decades.

Speaking to our neighbors early on has been very helpful.

Our neighbors look out for packages and keep an eye on our house when we're out of town.

We also try to do what we can to help out on the block.

In a situation like ours, I think it's very important to introduce oneself.

Although it will not erase the rising taxes and displacement that come with gentrification, it's quite literally the least one can do.

All right, this is a married man and a heterosexual couple who's not a monster.

Good job, Zach.

I mean, gentrification is a complicated topic, obviously.

You are doing at least the very least you can do by being neighborly, and that is a good scheme.

So that's a good one.

Good job, Zach.

Good job, Charlie, You wanted to give money to the person who sideswiped him.

In the parlance of the great podcast, One Bad Mother on Maximum Fun, you're doing a great job.

Paula Poundstone of the great No One Listens to Paula Poundstone podcast on Maximum Fun, you did a great job.

Thank you for being here.

Thanks so much for having me.

Every Judge Sean Hodgman listener should be listening to Paula's Max Fun show, Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone, with the hilarious Adam Felber,

the only man brave enough to interrupt Paula's torrent of hilarity.

He tries to interrupt.

It's very hard to do.

I got to be a guest on that show, and I had such a great time, not least because I got to pet Paula's dog while I was recording.

Well, that's a nice thing, too.

Yeah, dog's a beauty.

The docket is clear.

That's it for another episode of Judge John Hodgman.

This week's episode, edited by Jesus Ambrosio, produced by Hannah Smith.

Jen Marmer headed out on maternity leave.

We wish her all the best.

We love you, buddy.

Good luck.

Follow us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Hodgman.

We're on Instagram at judgejohnhodgman.

Make sure to hashtag your judgejohodgman tweets, hashtag jjho.

And check out the maximum fund subreddit to discuss this week's episode.

You can submit your cases at maximumfund.org slash jjho or hodgman at maximumfund.org via email.

Make sure to let us know if you're in one of the cities to which we are traveling on tour.

And we'll see you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Here's Here's Paula Poundstone's debut recording.

Next in line.

Hey, I see that you have the fun-sized Butterfingers in the bag, but do you have the medium-sized ones?

Yeah, we got a new box right here.

Oh, terrific.

Yeah.

All right, cool.

What do I owe you?

That's

275.

Out of five.

Thank you.

Of all the things that need to change, there are many.

In the butterfinger recipe, there weren't any.

Can't provide equal opportunity.

That's lunacy.

Anyone can see.

Can't they address that deep regret instead of just helping with my chocolate?

Some things need to change.

Some things need to change.

But not my butterfingers.

But not my butterfingers.

Some things need to change.

Some things need to change, but not my butterfingers.

But not my butterfingers.

This a crispity, crunchity, fun size, but what are you thinking?

Wouldn't it have been wise?

Consider my sister, consider my brother.

Stop the gun violence, stop shooting one another.

Cruelty to the transgender.

I don't get it.

It's such a mind-bender.

That needs a correction, but butterfingers don't need a new direction.

Change our type of fuel, make a powerful public school.

And if we don't let love rule, we're done.

Some things need to change.

Some things need to change.

But not my butterfingers.

But not my butterfingers.

But not my butterfingers.

But not my butterfingers.

Please.

It's 2019.

But not my butterfingers.

Skip the meat and eat some greens.

Put down your screens.

I'd like to bring back the telephone booth.

We deserve the truth.

We deserve the truth.

We deserve the truth.

Stop worrying about how much peanut butter.

At the top, we've got a gold plated nutter.

We deserve the truth.

Some things need to change.

Some things need to change.

But not my butterfingers.

But not my butterfingers.

Some things need to change.

Some things need to change, but not my butterfingers.

But not my butterfingers.

Keep it sweet, man.

You know, we try to get better now, bitter out there, but let's go.

I feel all the woke going through my body.

Well, I'm sorry about that, ma'am.

Can I help you with anything else?

Can I get my money back?

Ma'am, you already bid it.

Why didn't I put it back on the shelf?

Next in line, butterfingers.

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